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Kids–is your teacher a Godless, subversive Red? The law of averages says, “Da!”

In Just say HUAC forum on November 30, 2012 at 7:07 am

CITADELS OF SUBVERSION FORUM!

tccomic

According to the devoted patriots at the educational advocacy initiative, CAMPUS REFORM, ninety-six percent of the faculty and staff at Ivy League colleges that contributed to the 2012 presidential race donated to President Obama’s campaign. The organization admittedly reached this figure by studying data from the subversive Federal Election Commission (FEC), but WOOF nevertheless considers the findings accurate. WOOF’s own estimation of non-Ivy-League faculty leanings, compiled by an arcane combination of intuitive cognition and remote viewing (the precise details of which must remain confidential for the time being), suggests identical levels of radical bias almost everywhere in post-secondary academe.

Worse, the nation’s colleges and universities are not alone in their non-stop promotion of left-wing attitudes and philosophies—teachers at the middle-and-high-school level around the country are just as emphatically and vociferously allied with the worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy. Until this runaway leviathan of sinistral indoctrination is fought to a standstill and diversity of opinion is again given an authentic outing in our institutes of higher (and lower) learning, our children will continue to be hammered into mental conformity by the artificers of totalitarian liberalism! What can be done to stem this crimson tide?

Founder of Department of Education

When James Earl Carter, the peanut farmer from Georgia who was elected to the American presidency in 1976 during one of America’s earlier dalliances with national suicide, created the Department of Education as a sop to his supporters in the subversive National Education Association, he inaugurated the Federal endeavor to transform America’s schools into mills of deception churning out mindless, recycling-fixated, planetary warmth-fearing, self-esteem-obsessed, tofu munching mini-Marxists whose brow-beaten detestation of success, meritocracy, and individual creativity was made manifest in last November’s defeat of WOOF’s nominee, Christine O’Donnell, as well as the genial if unobtrusive Mitt Romney, who WOOF has learned ran as the Republican party candidate. Now, it is time to blow the whistle on these heuristic hooligans and shatter their death grip on the American education system! Start a home school in which children can

Candidate O'Donnell

Candidate O’Donnell

learn about capitalism and freedom—get those youngsters reading Hayek and Oakeshott, help them to appreciate Von Mises, Von Humboldt and, yes,Von Dutch! But if you are a student, gentle reader, we call on you—nay, we implore you–to stand up against the monolithic Mensheviks of post-modernity, and refuse to become fodder for their collectivist cookie cutter!  Rebel! Rise and rebel!! We stand with you in obstreperous solidarity! Rebel! Get a video of your left wing teacher in full outcry against God and country, John Wayne, Elvis or good cheeseburgers! Tape him or her trashing whatever American institution or value they dare to rail against next, and send it to us at watchdogsofourfreedom@gmail.com and if we think your teacher is a commie, (you know, as opposed to just being nuts), we’ll post the video right here on the WOOF site for everyone to watch and giggle at! Remember, nothing is as utterly destructive to the sinews of the Left as ridicule, which is why they long ago suborned and now dominate the stand-up comedy industry! But with your help, we can make YOUR anti-American professor or seditious secondary school teacher a laughing stock—and we’ll be here to laugh right along with you!  Yes, it could well be YOUR very own ranting, ultra-left-wing, paleo-Stalinist pedagogue who finds him or herself saying:

“….And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddlesome kids and that WOOF!!”

Today, the Academy, tomorrow the stand-up comic industry! WOOF marches on!

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Middle East peace hopes brighten with Hillary’s arrival!

In "Springtime for Terror" Forum on November 25, 2012 at 4:27 am

All eyes on you, Madam Secretary!   

United States Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton arrived this week on the West Bank determined to resolve the long-standing conflict between Arabs and Israelis. It was reported only Tuesday that peace had accordingly broken out in the Middle East as Mrs. Clinton met in earnest discussions with Gaza’s Hamas leadership, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and the Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi, who is taking time away from the rioters calling for his dismemberment in Cairo to extend the hand of friendship and cooperation amidst the chaos and destruction of recent weeks. Despite continued launchings of missiles into Israeli territory, and the terror bombing of an Israeli bus, Mrs. Clinton pluckily informed the media that, “In the days ahead, the United States will work with our partners here in Israel and across the region toward an outcome that bolsters security for the people of Israel, improves conditions for the people of Gaza and moves toward a comprehensive peace for all people of the region.” As she spoke, Israeli jets blasted Gaza in at least 30 air strikes,  blowing up government buildings and smuggling tunnels, as well as a variety of high-ranking Hamas party officials, while badly rattling the French News Agency, Agence France-Presse, which seems to have been coincidentally located adjacent to the main Hamas media offices.

WOOF readers should bear in mind that war is no stranger to Mrs. Clinton, who, it will be remembered, vividly described  dodging sniper fire upon landing at Tuzla Airport in Bosnia during her husband’s administration, an event so traumatizing to the rest of her entourage that none of them, including entertainers Sindbad and Sheryl Crow, could recall it ever having happened! Thus, prospects for peace are looking up in the vicinity, and as if Hillary’s presence were not enough to vouchsafe a new era of trust and serenity in that war ravaged region, WOOF has learned that additional firepower recently arrived in the person of U.N. General Secretary Ban Ki-moon who wasted no time. despite the onslaught of Palestinian rocket attacks, urging that Israel show “maximum restraint.”

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WOOF’s review of previous outbreaks of peace in the middle east for the student of history in a hurry…

In "Springtime for Terror" Forum on November 25, 2012 at 3:56 am

A look back at  great moments in Middle Eastern diplomacy!

As students of history are aware, peace was first brought to the Middle East by Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, who in 1956 stopped Israel, France, and Britain from beating up the Egyptians and seizing control of the Suez Canal from Gama Abdel Nasser, who had just “nationalized” it. Since then, several other American Secretaries of State have brought peace to the Middle East in similar ways—By WOOF’s informal count, secretaries of state who have achieved peace in the middle east prior to Mrs. Clinton include the above mentioned Dulles as well as Christopher Archibald Herter, who founded the Middle East Peace Institute while serving with the World Peace Foundation; Dean Rusk, who when implored by Israeli Minister Eban to intercede on Israel’s behalf to prevent an attack by Egypt, refused, but encouraged a cease fire after Israel’s victory in the Six Day War; William Pierce Rogers who brought peace to the Middle East on behalf of President Nixon by brokering a cease-fire between Israel and Egypt; which led to the 1973 Yom Kippur War in which Israel was attacked by Egypt, Syria and Jordan whereupon it defended itself successfully enough that Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was obliged to bring peace to the Middle East by persuading Israel to cease firing and return the Egyptian Third Army.

Following the election of James Earl Carter, the first peanut farmer from Georgia to win the American presidency, Secretary of State Cyrus Vance was persuaded to leave his duties with the Trilateral Commission long enough to help forge the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty, the first peace treaty between Israel and an Arab neighbor. The treaty was signed by Israel’s Prime Minister Menachem Begin and President Sadat of Egypt, thus bringing peace to the Middle East. This lasted until President Sadat was shot to death by his own troops while reviewing them on parade. Cyrus Vance was shortly succeeded by Edmund Muskie who brought peace to the Middle East by negotiating a halt to Soviet expansion into the Persian Gulf region just prior to the Soviet expansion into the region, while in 1982 Secretary of State Al Haig brought peace to the Middle East by negotiating a cease fire between Israel and the PLO after which the PLO shot an Israeli ambassador in London and shelled several of Israel’s northern communities. This resulted in the Israeli invasion of Lebanon which threatened to eliminated the PLO until special envoy Phillip Habib finessed a regional truce calling for the removal of all foreign armies from Lebanon, thus bringing peace to the Middle East.

Secretary of State Haig was succeeded by Secretary of State George Shultz who focused U.S. diplomatic efforts on resolving the conflict in the Middle East, specifically by insisting that Israel abide by UN resolution 242 and withdraw from the West Bank. Schultz was then able to bring peace to the Middle East by opening a diplomatic dialogue with the Palestinian Liberation Organization and Yasir Arafat. Peace in the Middle East was cemented by Secretary of State James Baker at the 1991 Madrid Peace conference which called for an end to the ongoing conflict between Israel, the PLO, and neighboring Arab countries. Baker’s successor, Lawrence Eagleburger, maintained the peace process by talking Israel out of shooting back when Saddam Hussein fired a total of 42 Scud missiles at it during the first Gulf War. But peace in the Middle East was thereafter ensured by Secretary of State Warren Christopher who in 1993 persuaded the Israelis and the PLO to sign the Oslo Accords, recognizing Israel’s right to exist in return for Israel allowing the Palestinian Authority to exist.

By 1997, however, the Palestinian Authority was sending swarms of exploding Palestinians into Israel, engaging the attention of Madeline Albright, Secretary of State under William Clinton.  Secretary Albright felt that peace could prevail in the Middle East if Israelis agreed to refrain from building new Jewish settlements in disputed areas. Albright was replaced by Colin Powell who announced that the United States was “ready to contribute actively” to the process of bringing peace to the Middle East, adding that Yasir Arafat should “arrest, prosecute, and punish the perpetrators of terrorist acts,” which didn’t actually happen. Next, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s successful negotiation of several agreements in the Middle East, including the August 14, 2006 ceasefire between Israel and Hezbollah forces in Lebanon, led to lasting peace in the region, lasting in fact until 2008 when the border between Gaza and Egypt was breached by Hamas who installed Russian and Iranian rocket launchers whereupon followed 2,378 additional rocket and mortar attacks on Israel. Fortunately, as noted above, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton has now arrived in the Middle East, and Reuters and the AP reported Tuesday that peace has come at last to that war-torn region. WOOF hopes that this brief and admittedly hurried review of the Middle Eastern peace process has been enlightening!

Hillary wins first ever “DULLEY” award on brink of Mideast triumph!

In "Springtime for Terror" Forum on November 25, 2012 at 3:16 am

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Hillary–clearly stunned by the honor

In recognition of Mrs. Clinton’s most recent feat of statespersonship on foreign soil, WOOF has determined to make her the recipient of its first ever award for extraordinary Foggy-Bottom style American diplomacy. In creating this award, WOOF has reached all the way back to that time in the 1950’s when France, Great Britain and Israel brought us to the brink of resolving the entire Middle Eastern crisis permanently and decisively, but were hurled back by an alert John Foster Dulles, who together with a highly cooperative Soviet Russia and resolvedly anti-colonialist United Nations proved able to put a halt to early military successes by France, England, and Israel, and thwart their efforts to wrest the Suez Canal from Egyptian hands. Moreover, Dulles ensured that the United Nations would patrol the Israeli/Egyptian border to guard against any future hostilities…one of the earliest outbreaks of peace in the Israeli/Arab dysphoria. And in this spirit of evenhanded diplomatic savvy, WOOF bestows upon Secretary Clinton its first annual John Foster Dulles Award for Statespersonship, fondly known as “The Dulley!” Congratulations, Hillary! WOOF knows you deserve it!

PATRIOTS SHOCKED: O’DONNELL LOSES IN LANDSLIDE!

In "Christine in '16" forum on November 22, 2012 at 8:23 pm

No demand of a recount?

Yes, the apparent truth, however incomprehensible, in the wake of the November 6th surprise re-election to the American presidency of foreign-exchange student Barack Hussein Obama, is the Goldwater-esque shellacking sustained by WOOF’s nominee, Christine O’Donnell. Miss O’Donnell does not appear to have carried a single state of the Union in contrast to the President, who won a total of 303 electoral votes (with Florida and Kenya still contested as of this writing). Mitt Romney, son of George Romney, the former Governor of Michigan, appears also to have finished ahead of O’Donnell. Shocked patriots, who expected a populist groundswell to put Miss O’Donnell in the oval office this January–following the boost she received from WOOF’s endorsement–are scratching their heads in bewilderment at this heartrending outcome. To date, Miss O’Donnell has given no indication that she plans to request a re-count despite innumerable instances of voter intimidation and other irregularities at the polls. But WOOF supporters will be heartened to know that even as our special investigations division undertakes their inquiry into what role election fraud may have played in O’Donnell’s defeat, our swag shop is gearing up to churn out bumper stickers reading “Don’t blame me, I voted for Christine O’Donnell!”

EYES ON THE ORIENT: CHINA UPDATE

In "Terry and the Pirates" forum on November 22, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Hu’s out?

TERRY AND THE PIRATES ASIAN DESK……

Readers of the TERRY AND THE PIRATES segment of earlier WOOF reports are already aware that mainland China was lost to the free world in 1949 owing to the underhanded efforts of the insidious Communists, some of whom were led by the late Mao Tse Tung, but most of whom worked for the American Sate Department. This loss forced Chaing Kai-shek to relocate the Chinese people to the island of Formosa, now known as Taiwan, while the Chinese Communists occupied the greater land mass now known as Red China, sometimes laughingly called The Peoples Republic of China. Regular readers also know that Hu Jintao has been made fun of in these pages from the earliest days of WOOF ALERTS. So now it is time to bid a fond farewell to Hu…Hu is retiring. In his farewell address to 2,000 Chicom party delegates he made some important remarks. Taking these remarks as raw feed from a Reuter’s dispatch of November 8th, WOOF turned them over to our resident Oriental languages expert, Connie Confucius, for interpretation, in hopes of discovering a new hint of liberalization in Hu’s tone. Here follow Hu’s remarks, first as he delivered them, and then, in italics as our very own Connie Confucius transposed them into English. (And not a single “who” pun this time! We’re proud of ourselves!)

“Combating corruption and promoting political integrity, which is a major political issue of great concern to the people, is a clear-cut long-term political commitment of the party!”

 We got here by shooting anyone who gave us any problems, and we’re going to keep right on shooting them!

 “If we fail to handle this issue well, it could prove fatal to the party and even cause the fall of the party and the collapse of the state!”

 If we don’t keep shooting more and more people, we might all be overthrown along with all our fellow commie butchers, hacks and lackeys in Beijing and throughout the country, and then they’ll hang us like rats in Tienanmen Square!

 “We must thus make unremitting efforts to combat corruption!”

So we need to pick some of the party’s middle leadership and shoot them, too! Shooting, shooting, shooting! Bang, bang, bang, bang!!

 “All those who violate party discipline, whoever they are, or whatever official positions they hold, must be brought to justice without mercy!”

In fact, a lot of you right here in this room, listening to me now, are going to get shot!

“We must uphold the leadership of the party!”

Bangity bangity-bang, bang-bang-bang!!!

Woof has learned that President Hu’s remarks were met with polite applause.

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