REPUBLICANS AGREE TO RAISE CEILING ON DEBT, LOWER BOOM ON TAXPAYERS!
Why wait until later for news of the inevitable? Armed with our special correspondent’s uncanny ability to read the Akashic record, about which the less said the better, WOOF has decided to scoop all other available news sources in an unprecedented service to its loyal readership (except for the time we reported the Detroit Tigers would not win the World Series a week before they officially didn’t) by reporting the future before it actually happens, not that it won’t, because it will! So here’s the hottest flash of the hour, ripped from the headlines of tomorrow, courtesy of WOOF’s very own futurologist, Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walter, former occult and astrophysical adviser to Queen Juliana of the Netherlands, President Anwar Sadat of Egypt, and more recently, spiritual adviser to the late renowned author, Mickey Spillane. While WOOF’s crack paralegal department has advised us that we must outwardly dissociate ourselves from any official endorsement of Dr. Walters’s forecasted findings, it goes without saying that while “Dr. Walters’s views may not necessarily reflect the views of either WOOF, the secret organization, or it’s cyberspacial subsidiary publication here represented,” we know for a fact that everything the man says is totally for real. So here he is: Dr. G.J. Walter, with the skinny on what treacheries shall come!
Flash! Conservative columnists and radio talk-show hosts voiced unanimous outrage tomorrow, as the stalwarts of Republican party resistance, who stood for weeks like the little Dutch boy at the dyke in the face of Obama-care’s tidal surge, caved in completely, withdrawing their allegorical
finger from the metaphoric crack and allowing the Democratically controlled Senate to raise the debt ceiling to new, obscene heights while simultaneously permitting themselves to be engulfed in a mammoth wave of higher taxes, including taxation of the wealthy, and numerous Obama-care-related economic and anti-Constitutional travesties too horrendous to contemplate! A majority of skittish Republicans in both houses of congress, led by men like Bob Corker (R-Tenn), broke ranks with the conservative movement allowing debt ceiling hikes and higher taxes to sweep over them like those big waves crashing over those Irish people on that beach in that Robert Mitchum film about Ryan’s Daughter! Remember that film? David Lean put Chris Jones in it, which was a guts move at the time—but anyway, a Republican spokesperson speaking on condition of anonymity will soon tell this author, “In a way, it was a tremendous relief! Boehner’s a great guy, and every day he’d get all tearful asking anybody who’d listen, ‘Why am I doing this? Why am I refusing to raise revenues and the debt ceiling? I don’t get it!’ and you know, none of us had a good answer for him. We lost two elections now because a bunch of right-wing lunatics who listen to the haters and the homophobes on the radio and can’t even get themselves on Meet the Press have been running the party off the road into a big ultra-right-wing ditch—and you know who I mean–guys like that Tucker Carlson guy, and whatsername—Rita? Gretel? The one on FOX, right? Who does all the murder stories—or do I mean her? Or is that the one called Laurie?—anyhow, for gosh sakes, it’s time we got back to our moderate roots and did what the President wants—and maybe it won’t even work, but at least we’ll be invited back to the better inside-the-beltway social dos and they’ll be smiling at us over the quiche lorraine again! I mean the way Brian Williams has been slurring kind of like Brokaw used to, and rolling his eyes when he talks about us—we can’t take much more of this—people have to understand; it’s just been very, very brutal!”
In related events to come, Senator Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma) who earlier in the week signaled his willingness to cave in completely to President Obama’s socialist agenda
by stating flatly that no Republican wanted to vote for a tax increase, will agree shortly to vote for a tax increase and help deliver the Senate into Obama’s corner, even as one of Coburn’s aids will shortly tell this reporter that, “It was always Boehner in the House who was crucial—John has a real bunch of crazies on his hands over there, and his life has been hell, trying to get Obama to negotiate with him when the President just laughs at him, and trying to get the lunatic fringe in his own party to understand that the only way to spend more is by increasing the debt ceiling so we can get the Democrats to agree to spending cuts that we all know will never happen anyway! John has been trying to get the President to agree to concessions, and even though it’s totally obvious he’d just be conceding things that have nothing to do with reality, the President has refused to even give up the unreal stuff even though he knows we don’t really expect him to follow up on any of it—and that’s just bad faith! And then, John’s name—he can’t get anybody to pronounce it correctly,” the source will go on to elaborate, “Everybody can say ‘Obama’ but nobody can say ‘Boehner,’ it’s just been hard on the man!”
“We voted to build the fence between us and Mexico,” a spokesperson for Senator Susan Collins, (R-Maine) will shortly declare, adding, “Did we ever build a fence? Of course not! Does the president seriously think if he gives up a few concessions here, anybody’s going to remember it after we brag about it a little on Face the Nation? But the simple fact is, we’re broke, so we need to raise taxes to raise revenues—any school kid in Maine could tell you that!” An anonymous spokesperson for lame duck Olympia Snowe, (R-Maine), well known liberal Republican and Siamese twin of Senator Collins, added, “Those of us in the rational middle on this are ready to sell out completely if we can just get those tea-party Neanderthals off our backs—frankly, the President won a great victory in November, and we owe it to him to spend all he wants while taking the necessary steps to make the Fiscal Cliff look like it’s farther away than it probably is, but it needs to be seen as being farther down the road to get voters to see its important to raise the tax dollars to avoid going off it, and to postpone going off it until some of us are out of this town, like Senator Snowe! Or even that nut DeMint—he may be going to that Heritage Foundation hate tank, but at least he’ll be out of here!”
Lastly, spokespeople for Tom Cole, (R-Okla.) will speak to this reporter on condition of anonymity and on condition that their boss be identified as a
different person from Tom Coburn (mentioned above), also R-Okla, but a Senator, not a congressman, whereas Cole is a congressman, not a Senator, which is admittedly very confusing, especially since both Republicans will cave on taxation at exactly the same moment making differentiation even more difficult. “We need to remember that there’s more at stake here than just some yappity Mormon nutcase on the radio selling gold and all his whacked out books and that Rush guy who doesn’t even write any—we need to remember that this is a serious town politically, and if we can’t go on Liberal Democratic TV shows like Good Morning America and have mainstream Democrat anchor people like George Stephanopoulos treat us semi-decently, we can’t be counted upon to negotiate compromises for the American People—bottom line!”
So that’s the news of the future today, WOOF readers, provided to you at no expense, (until the forthcoming Internet web taxes are negotiated in Washington, by the way) except to WOOF, of course, which paid me a modest stipend for my Akashic-record-reading abilities. Yes, the Republicans will cave on taxes, yes they will raise tax rates to the wealthy, yes they will raise the debt ceiling, and yes they will tell you, while they raise the debt ceiling, that they did it to cut spending! Is there a fiscal cliff? Yes, America! We drove off it about two years ago, but the Socialist Totalitarian media refused to tell you! And as your in-house WOOF futurologist let me assure you, there is no flying car coming from Obama Motors! So happy landings, and until next time, this is Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walter saying good luck, friends! –GJW (Zug, Switzerland)
As always, the editors here at WOOF wish to thank Dr. Walters for his always gimlet and Cassandra-esque reportage—a level of journalism unattainable for most in the business because where Dr. Walters is concerned, foresight is 20/20!