Welcome to WOOF’s New Year’s Festival and Threat Appraisal for 2013! We wanted to start off by acknowledging that that death of Dick Clark in 2012, while lamentable, did not turn out to presage the non-occurrence of the new year, as some had feared. So that reminded us that we should start off with some good solid music, and for that we suggest you just close your eyes (after you’ve read this, of course) and imagine that you are listening to the tuneful conservatism of the GOLDWATERS, that hip, touring hootenanny-style folk group that formed to support the candidacy of Barry Goldwater back in 1964, and recorded one LP. We didn’t link to their music because we’re too paranoid, but you can go to other websites and listen to them. We actually haven’t—the idea of them is good enough for us. Some websites call them “unlistenable,” but we say, so what? So what if the right had its own version of the Holy Modal Rounders? And they take us back to the good old days of Goldwaterism when it was solidly Goldwateristic. You know, before Barry became what George Will once politely called “increasingly mercurial.” Whenever we get a little bitter about the failure of our candidate, Christine O’Donnell, to capture the White House last November, we just remind ourselves of what it was like back in ’64 when Barry got clobbered, and we feel strangely better. So, now that we’ve cleared all that….what else does 2013 have in store?
Apostrophe to the 4th wall: Why did so many Goldwater Girls go so wrong, by the way? A rhetorical question, admittedly, but worthy of some thought, nonetheless! We could actually array quite an assemblage here of once radiant young ladies who proudly wore the cowboy hat and boots of a daughter of the Conservative Revolution, but then broke bad. Suffice it for our immediate purposes that we show you two such cases–and omit Karl Hess from the discussion, because he was never exactly, well–he was a guy.
DID WE GO OVER THE CLIFF YET—OR ARE SENATORS CHRONONAUTS?
Why on earth would President Obama want to avoid the fiscal cliff? He needn’t fear any unwanted restrictions that the cliff might impose, because he’ll ignore them, just as he ignores federal court orders and the constitutional mandate to submit yearly budgets. Nobody will do anything. Besides, on December 31, the first noticeable effect of the “cliff” will be the disappearance of the Bush tax cuts, and Obama hates the Bush tax cuts. He only extended them briefly to help the economy long enough to help himself gain re-election. He doesn’t need them now, so out they’ll go. He can then claim that Republicans made the tax hikes happen, even though he could easily propose tax reductions for the middle class of his own invention, he won’t. He wants the middle class taxed into oblivion. Then comes the second wave of the assault when on January 1st the average American household will be hit by the alternative minimum tax which is estimated to raise taxes for many Americans by as much as $3,700. Again, Obama could not be happier—he doesn’t need to get re-elected, which is why he’s no longer worried about the already over-extended unemployment benefits crashing to a halt…although we bet the RINOS will extend those one way or another…you know, just to be likable. And from the point of view of the Great Helmsman, it would be nice to have as many people as possible on the doles to keep them voting Democrat, although with his own regal duff firmly on the throne, Obama is not the type to go fretting unduly about all the little people.
Also on January 1st (otherwise known as right now) comes “the sequester” which is a euphemism for immediate, drastic reductions in government spending. Sound like a
conservative’s dream? Not when you consider that this includes a 55 billion dollar slash to defense spending! Obama is anxious to make good on his promise to Vladimir Putin via Medvedev (accidentally picked up by a live microphone, if you recall) to work harder to disarm America following his re-election because he’d have “more flexibility.” Cuts to Medicare will simply point up the need for National Healthcare!
What people can’t understand because people don’t get how crazy congress is, is that the law mandating “sequester” was never supposed to be put into effect—like the doomsday device in Dr. Strangelove. The idea had been to create legislation that would produce spending cuts so horrendous from any sane point of view that the mere existence of the law would force reasonable negotiation and an acceptable raising of the debt ceiling. But nobody foresaw Barrack Obama, the first Martian president! (See Science and the Paranormal forum for the full story.) From Obama’s point of view, this all looks like a pretty good way to reduce the American Republic to cinders while the lapdog media establishment blames—who? Boehner, probably. The Bush thing is getting kind of retro. And Boehner has already proved himself a suitable chump, doggedly playing Charlie Brown to Obama’s Lucy, always willing to take another run at the ball no matter how many times Lucy gleefully jerks it away at the last second! Yes, the New Year will send us careening over the fiscal cliff, unless Boehner caves in enough ways in enough time to save— Obama. (And it appears as of this posting that he and the other Republicans have caved as anticipated, but the year is young, so let’s see how things sort themselves out!)
Let’s also bear in mind, there really is no Obama plan, except to raise taxes. Taxing the wealthy may play well among the mindless “Occupy” yawps, but will only hurt the economy while providing very little of the imagined revenue. We say ‘imagined’ because liberals and RINOs both believe that when they tax more they get more revenue. They still don’t understand the Laffer Curve. Jack Kennedy did, (even before Art Laffer sketched it on that famous cocktail napkin—but JFK may have been a chrononaut).
Reagan understood the Laffer curve, and yes, “W” did too. But they don’t. The lost lambs in the Senate are clueless about the physics of taxation. Tax people more and they fork over more revenue is the way most RINOs and all Democrats think. It never works, and tax cuts always work, so of course, we’re still going with higher taxes! And gentle reader, if you are scratching your head wondering how lowering taxes can equal more revenue, and if this is the first you’ve heard of this, we aren’t upset. We know how difficult the counter intuitive is to grasp—and how hopelessly propagandized you’ve been by the Socialist Media Cabal—but it’s New Years and we don’t have time to explain right now. Read “The Supply Side Revolution” by Paul Craig Roberts—and say, don’t read too much other stuff by him without us there to explain his weird side, okay? But the economic stuff definitely rocks.
In view of the deal finally (seemingly) struck at (or immediately following) the last moment by congress and the White House, which initially turned out briefly not to have been struck after all because our Beloved Helmsman suddenly announced that he wanted the tax cuts suspended, spooking the ever spookable Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) into withdrawing from the victory lap, we are engaging in this reprise of current and probable future events—reprised as though they were past events. Don’t think about that part too hard.
All right then–Obama’s noon-time press conference of December 31st (where he surrounded himself with carefully selected members of the middle class, direct from central
casting, intended to breathe relief on cue over the deal struck with congress), turned out to be pointless because there was no deal to announce. Undaunted, Obama announced that there probably would be a deal. And there almost was, (that would be deal number two of yesterday) but then once again there wasn’t, because it fell through again, see? But the Senate thinks it can time travel and reach a deal today, January 1st, that will cancel out yesterday, and make yesterday today. See? And such a deal would magically obviate the fiscal cliff, which WOOF pointed out last week was actually overshot several months ago, but which can be retrieved possibly, with swift action in the future. See?
SO WHERE ARE WE AT THIS EXACT MOMENT?
The Great Helmsman and congressional lawmakers claim they have reached a deal, too late of course, but apparently just in time! In a way, we are relieved to learn this, because it means that our beloved futurologist, Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters, was correct in his prediction that Republicans would ultimately cave in and effectuate a bargain with the Regime.
The agreement, which includes spending cuts (which will never occur, of course) and revenue increases, (which means higher taxes, but nobody likes saying that) “extends tax cuts on incomes up to $400,000 for individuals and $450,000 for couples.” Of course, you can’t really extend a cut, you can only extend what already is—so there is no cut. Taxes will not go higher in this income range. Those earning above that, however, will be taxed at a rate of 39.6 percent, up from 35 percent. WOOF wonders how long the parties haggled before settling on 39.6 percent! Why not, you know, call it 40 percent? A poison pill for the U.S. Economy! But that’s okay, because jobless benefits will be extended for another year. That’s right. As predicted in these pages! Now, as for the spending cuts that will never happen so it’s absolutely ludicrous to discuss them, but here we go anyway, are you ready? Okay—fifty percent of those spending cuts, were they ever actually to manifest, must come from non-defense areas. Because you are clever, dear readers, you have probably therefore concluded, as we have also, that the other fifty percent will come out of defense, which is insane. We also predict that if any cuts ever actually happen, they will come wholly out of the defense budget. After all, Our Beloved Helmsman promised Vladimir Putin to slash our defense, and apparently there is honor among Commissars.
Chucky Schumer (D- New York), of the Senate Democratic leadership, took time out from test firing Tec-9s at his favorite shooting range to assure reporters that the Senate would pass the newly struck deal by “a midnight deadline,” which “deadline” was news to everybody, the deadline having passed prior to the announcement of the deadline that isn’t here yet. Got it? But we predict this deadline will nonetheless be honored by the Senate because when it comes to raising taxes, Chuckie Schumer knows whereof he speaks!
So what about the House where those darn Tea-Party types give House Speaker John Boehner so much trouble? Well, that’s an ugly business just ask any moderate GOP strategist! Majority Leader Boehner issued a statement following the announcement of the Senate deal to the effect that: “The House will honor its commitment to consider the Senate agreement if it is passed. Decisions about whether the House will seek to accept or promptly amend the measure will not be made until House members — and the American people — have been able to review the legislation.”
What that means is that Honest John will try his best to ram this through, but some knuckle-dragging ultra-conservative fanatics may prove something of an embarrassment to him, and all right thinking Republicans–namely, the ones whose thinking isn’t all that far right!
IMPORTANT EVENTS THAT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAPPEN!
As all true WOOFketeers will recall, in early December, our very own futurologist Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters predicted the Republicans would cave on tax hikes and raise the debt ceiling in exchange for imaginary budget cuts–thus you read it here first, gentle readers–weeks in advance of it actually happening! Heady with success, we asked Dr. Walters to look into the Akashic record again–but this time, just to make it really hard for him, we asked him to predict what will NOT happen in the year 2013. He rose to the challenge, fellow patriots! And so, all the way from beautiful downtown Zug Switzerland, by the azure placidity of lovely Lake Zug in the beautiful Canton of Zug, we have Dr. Walters’s fearless predictions of 20 events that will NOT take place in the coming year! To wit:
- Iran’s development of nuclear capability is stopped by a joint American/Israeli strike.
- Janice Rogers Brown is nominated by President Obama for the Supreme Court.
- Rush Limbaugh is invited to give the commencement address at Harvard.
- A Federal Court cites Obama with contempt for ignoring a court order.
- A fence is built dividing the United Sates and Mexico.
- President Obama makes good on his four-year-old pledge to balance the budget.
- A liberal Supreme Court Justice astonishes court-watchers by shifting to the right philosophically and voting with the Court’s conservative justices more often than not.
- Joe McCarthy is awarded the Medal of Freedom posthumously.
- The United States Air Force admits that UFOs are real, adding that it isn’t sure what they are or where they come from and pointing out that in any case there is definitely nothing it can do about them.
- Somebody recalls growing up in Hawaii with Barrack Obama.
- Cass Sunstein writes a tell-all book trashing the Administration and accusing the President of being a communist.
- Fidel Castro actually dies.
- Mohammed Morsi joins the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and calls on his countrymen to do likewise.
- John Stewart makes fun of somebody to the left of Gerald Ford.
- Vladimir Putin steps down from public life voluntarily, says he needs more time with family.
- Hugo Chavez endows a chair at the Regent University School of Government.
- The RNC releases a statement acknowledging the fact that its failure to fearlessly embrace a right wing conservative agenda is the reason it keeps running moderates and getting beaten.
- Arianna Huffington snaps out of a two-decade case of clinical fugue and remembers that she’s a right winger.
- Barrack Obama releases his grades and college thesis for everyone’s perusal.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad flies to Tel Aviv to meet with Benjamin Netanyahu, saying “I have come here to renounce my past.”
- Mankind enters a new age of peace and serenity as part of a vast harmonic convergence beginning in January of 2013…oh, and Recovery Summer Five turns out to entail evidence of an actual economic recovery–that’s really two predictions, but Dr. Walters is generous by nature!
So now that you know what definitely will NOT happen in the next 12 months, enjoy the NEW YEAR, fellow WOOFians–and say, why not spend 2013 right here with us–we’ll be here for you right up until that NET NEUTRALITY thing passes and we all wind up in FEMA camps together. Until then– edification to our friends, confusion to our enemies, and hey, let’s make this the year we find out, “Who promoted Peress!”