Remembering the GREATEST MEDIA NON-STORIES of 2012:
WOOF just can’t say good bye to 2012 without recalling to mind the biggest media-hyped non-events or wrongly reported fiascoes of the year! We arbitrarily decided to discuss 8 of them, because we had to stop someplace, right?
FRENZY ONE: WOOF’s man of the year for 2012 is a no-brainer—the choice of the man who sent the media, the Obama administration, the United Nations and the concerned peoples of the globe into the greatest frenzy is definitely Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, the 55-year-old ex-con and part-time filmmaker who managed to get a small bit of leader from an anti-Islamic film that nobody has seen even now, up on the Internet and was blamed for the meticulously-planned rocket and mortar attacks conducted by Al
Qaeda against the American consulate in Benghazi and the embassy in Egypt, (initially described as flash mobs by the Administration), riots across the Middle East, and Bird Flu. The father of Tyrone Woods, one of the Navy SEALS killed in the consulate assault, was actually assured by Hillary Clinton, “We’re going to have that person arrested and prosecuted that did that video.” And Hillary was as good as her word! Nakoula, who was originally said to be an Israeli millionaire named Sam Bacile, who, it transpires, never existed, was hauled into a Los Angeles federal court where Judge Suzanne H. Segal cited a “lengthy pattern of deception,” which included the virtually unprecedented enormity of “ lying to parole officials.” On November 7, 2012, Nakoula pled guilty to four of five minor, non-violent charges and was sentenced to one year in prison and four years of supervised release because, as Segal firmly asserted,” The court has a lack of trust in the defendant at this time.” Well, there you go! The court also deemed the defendant a flight risk, although why anybody would care remains mysterious.
Nakoula is apparently an Egyptian Coptic Christian who went broke running a gas station, attempted to manufacture meth but was busted before he could fully break bad, and amassed a handful of additional two-bit criminal convictions and a history of using aliases. The only part of his “movie” that anyone seems to have spotted are some trailers he put on the net, and which apparently remain on the net to no one’s evident consternation, because YouTube says they do not violate its standards. Although an actual movie appears to have been financed by a Christian Charity in Los Angeles, where it was also allegedly filmed, nobody seems to have actually screened “Innocence of Muslims,” much of which was evidently cobbled together from a film initially entitled “Desert Warrior.” The anti-Muslim references and any discussion of the Prophet seem to have been dubbed in subsequently, and many actors, including Actress Cindy Lee Garcia, are suing, claiming they were deceived. One wonders if there was even film in the cameras?
So nice going, Nakoula Nakoula, or Mark Basseley Youseff as you now claim to be named—you made international headlines for doing absolutely nothing that anybody can accurately specify except providing a handy CYA ploy for President Obama, who, for reasons that remain unexplained, preferred to watch his ambassador to Libya and the ambassador’s valiant defenders being slaughtered on his situation-room TV to giving a “shoot” order to a circling AC-130, or sending in the handily available CIA or Marine “Corpse.”
SO…for making the monolithic Obama-obedient media and the administration they serve look like utter nincompoops for at least two weeks, while Ambassador Susan Rice
blamed him incessantly for the crisis, the battle, and all discontent in the region, and while Secretary of State Clinton vowed vengeance against him, and while President Obama actually made a speech to the UN fingering him as the culprit, and while Al Qaeda presumably laughed its butt off at us, WOOF names Nakoula Nakoula its man of the year…whatever his actual name may be. We will continue to follow his career moves and are currently checking out the rumor that his next film will be entitled “Buddha, You Fat Dork, You Ain’t all That Either!”
FRENZY TWO: Jim Avila, ABC’s consumer crusader, went to war against “Pink Slime” and put 2,000 consumers (who happened to have jobs processing beef products) out of work while costing an estimated half a billion dollars in economic damage and nearly
bankrupting at least two companies who were caught in the act attempting to make hamburgers healthier. Beef Products Inc. is suing ABC for over a million dollars for reporting that ridiculed its popular additive as “pink slime.” Actually, “pink slime” is a media invention, possibly commemorating a ridiculous science-fiction film from the late ’60s, and loosely associated with a process of divesting beef of its excessive fats rendering it 94 to 97 percent lean with a nutritional value comparable to 90 percent lean ground beef. The resultant product is treated with ammonia or citric acid (vitamin C) and flash frozen into cubes that can be used as extenders to increase the girth and nutritional content of your next cheeseburger. “Pink Slime,” in other words, is high in protein, very low in fat, contains iron, zinc and B vitamins, and does NOT contain cow intestines or connective tissue such as tendons, unless those evil corporate types at BPI Inc. are lying to us, in which case we have our hokey, brain-dead, dumb-as-rocks Vendetta masks at the ready!
FRENZY THREE: Speaking of which, The OCCUPY movement is remarkable for having earned praise and awe from the Obama-obedient media, and from liberal politicians and social commentators generally, while standing for absolutely nothing discernible and causing incalculable amounts of damage and thugery wherever it assembled its ragged, tweet-responsive legions. The “movement” was described in hilariously vacuous terms by all who lauded it. The reliably silly Cornel West hailed it as a “democratic awakening,” whatever that means, while the movement described itself as opposing social and economic inequality—which is the same as to say it opposes
reality. Led by paunchy, balding ex-hippies with silver pony-tails proudly a-flutter, the OCCUPIERS consisted mainly of unemployed rabble and bored college brats who called themselves “the 99%” and rioted, inflicted property damage, raped and mugged one another, set fire to cars, ransacked buildings, and produced at least one substantive bomb plot while racking up 8,000 arrests of its peace-loving members. President Obama spoke in support of the movement, as did Nancy Pelosi and Elizabeth Warren, the Cherokee Princess recently elected to the Senate in Massachusetts. Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei praised the Occupiers, as did Red China, and North Korea. Joe Biden said the movement was “a lot like the Tea Party,” and Rep. Peter
Welch of Vermont agreed with him. Welch elaborated, however, attaining dizzying heights of sociopolitical perspicacity when he boldly asserted that,“My strong sense is people who are doing this occupying want their voices to be heard.” Who says Vermont went brain dead in the ‘70s? But the OCCUPY movement, despite the 100% enthusiastic backing of the media propagandists, fell victim to its own insipidity and became a titanic, smelly, litter producing Albatross around the necks of the liberals who tried to love it. Asked what they supported, most Occupiers shouted “socialism!” and asked what they opposed, most occupiers shouted “government!” (Yes, and corporations, of course, we can’t have those things slowing down progress!) Let the epitaph for this flash mob on steroids be spoken by David Weidner of MarketWatch who originally jumped on the bandwagon applauding OCCUPY as “The Tea Party, only with brains!” To his credit, he later wrote, “About a year ago I called Occupy Wall Street a ‘tea party with brains.’ Today, I’m the one who needs his head examined.” Not really, Weidner—it’s your pals on the Left who are too crazy to know they need their heads examined who need their heads examined—but they’re all out protesting global warming, the Koch brothers, and pink slime. Booyeah!
FRENZY FOUR: Take my wife—please! Christianity was just about wiped off the map this year, if press reports were to be believed. Allen Pizzy at CBS saw “the very foundation of Christian thinking” stretched to the breaking point when Harvard professor of divinity Karen King discovered a chunk of papyrus about the size of a business card that contained references to Jesus’ wife—and just in case anybody thought Jesus was talking about “the church” in the metaphoric sense of the church being the bride of Christ, well—there was also discovered an additional reference in which Jesus clearly said, in so many words, “I mean Mary!” See? Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, making the DaVinci Code by Dan Brown a valid theological discourse, just as liberals everywhere believed it to be all along! Network TV newscasts and the liberal dailies and news magazines went bonkers with joy, overlooking entirely the odd fact that Karen King had a long-standing devotion to the idea that Christ was married, and her scholarship at Harvard has been a consistent deconstruction of what she calls the “master story” of Christianity—and miracle of miracles (you should forgive the expression) she now just happened to come into possession of the one small fragment of Egyptian Coptic that proved Jesus was not celibate!
In a masterpiece of cyclical reasoning Dr. King asked the Smithsonian Magazine, “Why is it that only the literature that said he was celibate survived? And all of the texts that showed he had an intimate relationship with Magdalene or is married didn’t survive? Is that 100 percent happenstance? Or is it because of the fact that celibacy becomes the ideal for Christianity?” Well, maybe it’s just that no literature ever said he was married to begin with, huh, Karen? But the New York Times went straight-up orgasmic over
King’s “find,” running an utterly uncritical front page story—and since the dinosaur TV networks check the Times to see what they’re supposed to be reporting (or spiking) the news anchors went nuts over King’s putative proof of Jesus and Mary as an item. But all good things must end, and darn it all, the Coptic sentences turned out to be badly written, strewn with peculiar typos—and mainly cadged from the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas. The Vatican newspaper branded King’s scrap of papyrus “an inept forgery” and “a fake” — but that’s what you’d expect from those uptight Catholics, right? Problem being that most of the academic community seemed to feel the same way. Oxford University’s Andrew Bernhard pointed out that a forger appeared to have copied a portion of the Gospel of Thomas that is displayed on the Internet—complete with an egregious typo that omitted the Coptic letter “M.” Professor Francis Watson of DurhamUniversity in England observed that “all of the sentence fragments found on the papyrus fragment have been copied, sometimes with small alterations, from printed editions of the Gospel of Thomas.” Watson added that he would be “very surprised if it were not a modern forgery.” Indeed, expert after expert chimed in subsequently pointing out the glaring indications of forgery contained in King’s little sample of history—enough that the press backed away and wandered off looking for other icons to mangle. Nobody in the scholarly world, of course, has been so crude as to suggest that Dr. King would be better occupied working on a birth certificate for the president—but it’s safe to say her 15 minutes are up.
FRENZY FIVE: The Mayan death calendar… well, just as WOOF predicted, we didn’t all die on December 21st, nor were we transported to another dimension, nor were we turned into adoring flower children who would enter the New Age of Teletubbie hugginess and bliss—no, we’re all still here, just as WOOF’s very own Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters of Zug Switzerland said we would be—and the most wildly hyped end of the world since at least Y2K has come and gone, leaving a lot of doomsayers with a severe case of buyer’s remorse. As we all know by now, The Mayan calendar moves in cycles with the last cycle ending in December 2012. This is what had everyone
convinced that we were goners. The last day of the Mayan calendar corresponds with the Winter Solstice, which gave the alleged end-time prediction an added occult kick, and had many experts mumbling fatalistically. Simon Martin, co-curator for the “Maya 2012: Lords of Time,” exhibit at the Penn Museum in Philadelphia went on record saying that December would usher in an epochal shift of sorts, “rather like the year 2000 marked a new millennium.” Of course, the new millennium didn’t actually begin until 2001, but nobody really seemed to care. As Martin explained some time ago, regarding the long-count Mayan calendar, “What happens in December of this year is that it changes from the 12th baktun to the 13th baktun, and that’s a cycle that has been running for 400 years. The current sequence of 13 baktuns has been running since 3114 BC or 5,125 years.” So big deal. The fact is, the Mayans had no more authentic impact on this year’s solstice than did the Venusians—maybe less! And anyone with even the vaguest understanding of Biblical prophecy should have been able to tell we weren’t ready for the apocalypse! First of all—where is the famine? Sure, we may be on the brink of a doozy of a famine, but we aren’t in one yet. Second, where are Gog and Magog in that unholy alliance kind of unification thing? Soon, maybe, but not here yet, right? And the rebuilding of the temple on the temple mount in Jerusalem—what’s holding that up? And we have yet to see Nancy Pelosi spread batlike wings in the halls of congress, declare herself the Whore of Babylon and incinerate two thirds of the assembled lawmakers with fire breath. Okay, we made that one up—but trust us when we tell you, the Mayans didn’t know from squat about when the world would end, and the end is not yet! Soon, maybe, but definitely not yet…and we here at WOOF will definitely let you know if that changes!
FRENZY SIX: Sci-Fi blockbuster—the Disney picture “John Carter of Mars” was supposed to revolutionize the Science Fiction world—and with a story line involving a civil war soldier who winds up on Mars—how could it fail? Especially since the story was originally by the legendary Edgar Rice Burroughs—and just hiring him must have cost Disney a fortune. Determined, perhaps, to produce a spectacular film about life on an alien planet that was not a Pol-Pot-style paean to anti-Corporate revolution, and was simultaneously not a CGI-altered retelling of “Dances with Wolves,” the folks at Disney sank a cool 250 million into their master work, and spent 100 million more marketing
it, most of which, apparently, would have been better spent repainting the Peter Pan rides at Disney World and Disneyland and going ahead with the Annette Funicello Monument and Library, as WOOF has long recommended. Anyway, the only epic aspect of the film’s release was its epic failure at the box office where to date it has recouped a paltry 184 million dollars, But experts tell WOOF that John Carter may eventually earn his keep abroad, where foreign audiences prefer American spectaculars because the comparative dearth of dialogue means there are fewer subtitles to keep up with among the explosions, space ship overflights and
force-field eruptions. There is, of course, another, more sinister reason why Disney may have struck out domestically with what appeared to be a surefire cinematic product, and that is, of course, the subversive Obama administration, the Council of Foreign Relations and the Trilateral Commission, all of whom have a vested interest in keeping the Obama/Mars connection under wraps, where it remains fairly well concealed despite WOOF’s fearless expose (see Science and the Paranormal forum). Just as films like “The Hanoi Hilton” and “The Wind and the Lion” were met with low theatrical exposure and studied negativity from the critical establishment because their right-wing themes were deliberately squelched by the Socialist Totalitarian Conspiracy, so the kibosh may have been put on the Disney release simply to keep people’s minds off the crimson planet at a time when Obama’s youthful visits to the Martian surface threaten to break into the news cycle. So – a major motion picture from a surefire studio bombs in the American market, and none dare call it conspiracy? Think about it!
FRENZY SEVEN: The Facebook zillionaires! OMG, have you ever scrolled down somebody’s Facebook page? Perhaps you have some peculiar masochistic bent, gentle reader, that has resolved you even to maintain your own Facebook page? Why would any rational human being subject himself to the daily bombardment of insipidity that this pursuit entails? Where else can you rely on seeing someone declare that she has just made herself a pastrami sandwich, and 47 people report that they “like” this datum? And the political blather, like, really—are all the least intelligent liberals in America confederated in a concerted effort to flood Facebook’s pages with their most embarrassingly demented observations? But anyhow…in February the loathsome Los Angeles Times reported with its customary reliability that, “the 8-year-old social networking company has submitted registration documents with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission [setting] a preliminary goal of raising $5 billion. Facebook is expected to be valued at $75 billion to $100 billion.” And everyone went nuts predicting the vast proliferation of instant millionaires that would follow fast on the public issuance of Facebook’s stock. The first day Zuckerberg’s stock went on sale it skyrocketed from its opening price of 37 dollars to positively dizzying heights, and then—like the old Navy
Vanguard rockets, settled back down on its launching pad and blew up, finally closing almost exactly where it opened. From there, it retreated consistently to absolutely dismal levels, and today is trading around 19 bucks per share. Rumor has it that investors remain skittish regarding whether the premiere social network can increase revenue by successfully tapping the growing mobile audience, and then there is the matter of a number of major lawsuits which remain unresolved. In December, Facebook stock fell more than 5% as almost 160 million shares held by early insiders and employees were freed from a lockup period. Now, WOOF doesn’t pretend to know whether you should see Facebook stock as a buying opportunity at this juncture, but we do know that it has fallen to a level at which all the breathless hysteria generated by the media pundits over its release can be counted as one of the years best examples of media flatulence disguised as prescience.
Finally, FRENZY EIGHT—we have the classic example of “Arab Spring,” best examined in detail by clicking on our “Chilly Winds” archive in which the entire fiasco is detailed thoroughly—but where else but in America in this era, when the entire bulk of all the news, opinion, and entertainment to which the average American is subjected comes from an inbred consortium of
mental pigwidgeons on the East and Left coasts who are simultaneously devoted to misrepresenting the news by design, and misrepresenting reality through abject ignorance, could the collapse and descent of the Middle East into Islamic/Fascistic barbarity be so wildly hailed by so many chuckle-headed anchor
people and pundits as the greatest moment for human civilization since the Renaissance? The daily and unanimous assertions that ousting reliable allies or phlegmatically neutral panjandrums from positions of power so that they could be replaced by murderous, genocidal totalitarians bent on the destruction of Israel and Christianity amounted to nothing short of a a golden era for mankind is the sort of thing for which numerous media personalities should simply be flogged in the public square. So much more egregious was this hoopla than Dan Rather’s forgery of the Bush National Guard records, or ABC’s Sylvia Chase airing footage of exploding Ford Pintos without bothering to mention that they’d been rigged to explode—or Newsweek’s riot-provoking fairy tale of Korans being flushed down toilets at Gitmo—that one wonders at the Obama-era media’s uncanny ability to simply stumble ahead, never saying “oops,” never acknowledging its inaccuracies or its obsession with talking points in diametric opposition to the truth. In this sense, WOOF guesses that Erich Segal had it wrong in his 1970 novel “Love Story.” It turns out that LIBERALISM, not love, is never having to say you’re sorry– but Ali McGraw never mentioned that, did she! Good thing you have WOOF in your life, huh, America?