ILLINOIS’ VALIANT STRUGGLE
Chicago has the highest murder rate in town, so to speak; it beat Detroit (the former champ), Washington DC, and New York in 2012 with over 500 killings. And only today the windy city hosted its fifth murder of the new year—a beloved muffler shop owner who was shot in the back by robbers posing as customers (no arrests so far, by the way) meaning Chicago is already moving ahead of the one-murder-per-day mark in 2013. This is dumbfounding considering that the entire state of Illinois is a positive paradise of anti-gun sentiment and gun-ban legislation. You can not legally carry a gun in Illinois, concealed or unconcealed, and if you have a license from another state, forget it—Illinois isn’t
allowing you to walk around armed! If you wish to transport a firearm you must carry it unloaded in an appropriate case, and to even possess a gun or even ammunition for a gun in one’s home is prohibited unless one has applied for and been granted a “Firearms Owners Identification Card” from the state police. For some reason that continues to baffle the Chicago police, the Chicago town council, Rahm Emanuel, and the
Illinois legislature, the citizens of Chicago seem to be gunning one another down despite all these common sense precautions. And don’t think the citizenry isn’t alert and cooperative in the effort to end gun violence. Take the city of Bellevue, Illinois, where some police detectives attempted to have a meal at a Denny’s restaurant on New Years day while carrying their concealed service pistols. An alert manager spotted the problem and marched right up to tell a lady detective (who identified herself with her badge) that she could either take her gun out to her car
and leave it there, or eat someplace else. Police Captain Dan Sax, rather than congratulating the quick-witted Denny’s manager on his gutsy call, made a statement in which he declared himself “very disappointed by the lack of respect shown to on-duty sworn police officers.” Jeesh, what a fascist. And with people like Sax and his renegade bands of police detectives playing cowboy at the expense of Denny’s diners who wish only to degust their Moons Over My Hammy without the disquietude of glimpsing armed police units in their beloved eatery, it becomes blatantly obvious that more legislation is needed—and needed fast!
Need we say it? Yes, enlightened Liberals in the Illinois legislature have responded to this need, launching additional proposals aimed at banning the possession of, delivery, sale and/or transfer of semiautomatic handguns and rifles. The state Senate added more measures to this that would ban high capacity magazines. Things are going so well in the area of proposing anti-gun legislation that a main concern is checking to be certain that proposed legislation doesn’t redundantly ban or criminalize guns or gun-owning or gun-transporting behaviors that have already been proscribed by prior legislation! But all is not sweetness and light in the anti-gun state of Illinois—just ask Governor Pat Quinn, whose December 3rd efforts to get retrospectively confiscatory anti-gun language through the Illinois House of Representatives were slapped down by a two-thirds majority vote around the same time the state Senate overrode his veto on a similar issue. One of the horrible ramifications of this mindless and possibly-NRA sponsored legislative resistance to Governor Quinn’s enlightened policies is that Illinois Firearm Identification Cardholders will continue to have the right to mail order ammunition from retailers elsewhere in Illinois. The horror; the horror.
But while Fightin’ Pat Quinn continues the battle to save babies from high-capacity magazines (his language, not ours) all the while remaining steadfastly committed, we might add, to abortion on demand, he can take comfort in knowing he is not the only one out there fighting the forces of Big Gunnery! That’s right Governor Quinn—others are standing with you around the nation, and they are on the move! Only a couple of days ago we reported on the obviation of a potential assault in New Jersey when alert school authorities specially trained to intercept would-be killers in the classrooms noticed a boy sketching a flaming hand in his school notebook “or possibly some type of weapon,” and that boy is in jail now, and you can bet he can’t buy art supplies in the commissary! And Governor Quinn, that’s not all! Even in gun-crazy Mesa, Arizona, a kid was suspended a while ago for sketching a gun during class, because the School District wouldn’t play ball with those First and Second Amendment crazies who attempted to intercede in the little monster’s behalf!
Not that every potential psycho has an artistic gift—some must resort to cruder expressions of burgeoning sociopathy. Early this year, a 7-year-old in Oklahoma City student gave away his homicidal fixation by pointing his index finger as though it were a death-dealing semi-automatic handgun—possibly a Glock, or a Saturday Night Special of some type, and aiming at a wall! Alert, trained educators spotted this and suspended the child forthrightly. They had seen this sort of thing before! Ever since enlightened zero-tolerance policies have been enacted in schools to vouchsafe the well being of all within their walls—students and staff alike—have school authorities been
able to interdict potential mass slayings with the kind of preemptive action such cases demand! Yes, all across this gun-crazed nation, public school faculties are cracking down! Kids are getting suspended or expelled, or in some cases even arrested, for everything from drawing stick figures with little stick guns to wearing pro-military paraphernalia—and all that that implies! Take heart, Pat Quinn! Last December, Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch –a clear thinking liberal like yourself, Governor Quinn–organized an annual smashing festival of toy guns to which progressive parents brought their children so that the kids could repent of their dark proclivities and destroy their toy guns en mass, whereupon the misguided tykes received harmless, non-violent toys such as puzzles, Gay Teletubbie dolls, or Chevy Volts, in exchange. Hawaii’s left-wing legislature strove mightily to ban the sale of toy guns to anyone under 18, and although they were ultimately thwarted by the corporately-allied, ultra-wealthy toy gun lobby, they came close! And as a result, many of those legislators feel good about themselves, Governor Quinn—and so should you, sir! We understand that increasing numbers of your constituents have taken to calling you “Clueless” Pat of late, but that’s juts the right-wing smear machine, Governor! We know you’re a bigger guy than that!
Consider! Only months ago a 13-year-old boy at Chandler’s Payne Junior High School in Arizona attempted to dissemble his fiendish intentions by doodling a picture of a laser-beam space pistol instead of a typical handgun. Even five years ago he might have gotten away with it, but not this time! Chandler school officials took a gimlet look at the incident, declared it a “gun threat” and suspended the boy.
Consider! The above mentioned suspension followed an earlier incident in which Gilbert AZ police rushed to Payne Junior High when a rumor circulated that a 12-year old girl had a gun! No gun was found nor determined to exist (as is often the modus operandi with these sneakier types) but you can be sure that that girl returned home with a stiff warning letter for her paleo-facist parents!
Consider! The Daily Caller reports on Thursday, Jan. 3, 2013, that a six-year-old student at Roscoe R. Nix Elementary School in Silver Spring, Maryland made “the universal gesture of a gun” with his thumb and forefinger. As if this were not sufficiently barbaric to quell his bloodlust, he next pointed his finger at one of his little friends on the playground and was clearly heard to enunciate the onomatopoeic syllable, “Pow!” The horror; the horror.
AND AS IF THIS WEREN’T AWFUL ENOUGH!
As horrifying as all the above information seems, there is a larger, more insidious threat descending upon this trigger happy nation—a phenomenon of such subtly menacing scope and dark portent as to defy belief, but it is true, dear readers—all true! And we will frankly admit that we would have scoffed at this latest information, if it weren’t for the fact that Rep. Steven Israel, (D-NY) made the whole threat very, very real when he introduced legislation to ban it in the bud! And what are we talking about here? Nothing less that computer downloadable guns, ladies and gentlemen! That’s right! Your children may be printing out guns for themselves even as you read this! Take a close look at what’s coming out of their printers, dear readers—is it a Wikipedia entry on the formation of crystals, a certificate of achievement from the good folks at Recycle America, or a semi-automatic assault weapon with a large-capacity magazine? Hmmm?
Listen, Steve Israel is nobody’s fool, America! This is the man who pointed out that Democrats in the House of Representatives are there to provide “adult supervision” for their Republican colleagues—and Steve should know! Adult enough? Heck, he managed to swap his support for the 2008 TARP relief to criminally mismanaged banks for a bailout of his own Dix Hills home in Long Island—and that’s some good old Yankee horse trading! Of the adult variety! So when Steven says we need to stop people from printing out assault weapons on their computers, believe us, he is not smiling!
That’s right, a high-tech consortium calling itself Defense Distributed, claims to have developed a system for producing downloadable weapons that can be produced using the latest-generation printers. Apparently the new printers can mold plastics and other materials to create objects with moving parts. And assault weapons are well known to contain moving parts, readers! University of Texas law student Cody Wilson, the project’s 24-year-old CEO, says the group already printed out and test fired an AR-15 rifle. Think this is a joke? The gun was fired six times before it blew up. And say, aren’t most crazed gunmen suicidal anyway? Why it just might be that downloadable exploding AR-15s are just what they want!
Though no independent observer was present at the test firing, would the guys who run the company lie to us? A short video clip seems to show the printed gun firing and breaking—and you can find it on YouTube. When contacted by WOOF, Federal firearms regulators said they had heard about the potential manufacture of such experimental guns but insisted that they do not believe an entire weapon has actually been created. Oh yeah? Tell that to Steve Israel! He’s a lot less naive than those Federal agents, and as he put it, “What’s chilling is that last month a group of kids used a 3-D printer to actually manufacture an AR-15 and fire six bullets,” (regular readers are already aware that Liberals call rounds “bullets”) Steve continued, “a gun made by a 3-D printer seems like a Star Trek episode, but now we know it’s real.” And don’t believe otherwise, America! Apparently this nut case Wilson, the brains behind the print-a-gun project is not going to quit until anyone who wants one can print out and own his own plastic, exploding gun. And Wilson says they have them in blue and red, too. Or maybe he said green and yellow—we should’ve written it down–anyway, Wilson is steadfast in his resolve to manufacture plans for guns that we can print with our computers, and he doesn’t seem too upset that Rep.Israel called him and his business partners “kids,” either. While many gun experts with whom WOOF consulted are skeptical of the ability of your kids to manufacture an armory in their bedrooms overnight, the fact remains that these special printers are becoming cheaper to obtain, and the ability to make a gun that shoots several times before blowing up may soon be in the hands of our children! The plastic printers were never meant to be instruments of destruction, one technological savvy informant told WOOF—they were meant to print our spare hobby parts, or Legos.
WOOF has attempted to contact Representative Israel in an effort to learn what level of threat the New York Democrat attaches to the development of Lego assault weapons, but has not heard back from his office as of this printing!
Name confusion may have swung GOP primary to moderate!
WOOF ALERT: It has come to our attention that the “low information voter” as both parties now call voters who voted for parties other than the party applying the label, may have led the GOP to destruction in the election of 2008. After extensive survey research and tireless investigations of the matter (many of which remain ongoing as of this writing), it appears that a strikingly large percentage of Republican primary voters in that election year, and perhaps a majority, went to the polls believing they were voting for John McClane to become the party’s nominee, whereas for reasons otherwise deemed utterly inexplicable, the Republican nominee for the presidency was in fact John McCain, a moderate Senator from Arizona who will be remembered mainly for being Sarah Palin’s running mate. Given the obvious tendency to confuse the names, and the fact that McClane is a widely loved and admired hero of action motion pictures, taken in combination with the fact that WOOF’s investigation indicates he enjoys far great name recognition (especially among independents) than does former POW and Navy pilot McCain, it may very well be the case that most Americans who appeared to support McCain’s nomination in the ’08 primaries were under the mistaken impression that they were voting for McClane. “By the time it comes down to the national election, voters are beginning to pay attention,” strategist Robert Bletchley told WOOF, “but in those early days, it may very well be that the nomination should have gone to the fictitious hero of the Die-Hard movies!” Bletchley went on to explain that a better informed electorate in November’s general election realized the error and either stayed home or voted for Alan Keyes. It may not matter much. Constitutional scholars have gone on record telling WOOF that McClane could not have been officially nominated by the Republican party in 2008 or any other presidential year because, although he was clearly born in the United States, he doesn’t really exist. However, this need not debar congress from launching an inquiry into whether the entire process should be revisited, now that these facts have come to light.
In this vein, WOOF wishes to assure the many readers who have inquired that it is pressing ahead with its efforts to discover whether voter fraud played a major role in the fact that our own candidate for the presidency in 2012, Christine O’Donnell, did not receive a single recorded vote. Asked for his views in this matter, strategist and campaign expert Robert Bletchley told us, “It seems odd to an extent that defies believability that she didn’t get a single vote. I know I voted for her. And while it may be premature to suggest she’d have won the election if no tampering had occurred, it certainly seems reasonable that she would have made a far better showing!” Exactly! And that’s why WOOF is pressing fearlessly ahead with its investigation into this matter, as well as releasing a survey to all major media pundits and political experts inviting their views. We will get to the bottom of the O’Donnell enigma, fellow patriots, and when we get there, you know we’ll describe it in detail!
FIRST ANNUAL BOX-OF-ROCKS AWARD FOR OBAMA-ERA JOURNALISM
We are pleased to announce that by unanimous vote, we troglodytes here in the WOOF cavern have elected to award the first ever annual Box-of-Rocks Award for exceptionally imbecilic journalism to the hardworking publisher, editors, and reporters of the Journal News, a daily paper serving the New York suburbs in Westchester, Rockland and Putnam Counties. To be eligible for the coveted Box-of-Rocks award, journalists must evince levels of left-wing sanctimony, snarkiness, and slack-wittedness far in excess, even, of the normative standards acceptable in the realm of current left-wing journalism, and preferably invoke the law of unintended consequences by engaging in journalistic crusades of unrivaled injudiciousness producing no discernible benefit to any honest citizen, while amassing liberal cocktail-party “cred” for the authors.
While many news stories of recent vintage competed gamely for the award, the Journal-News team won it hands down through their decision to publish the name and home address of every legal gun owner registered in Westchester and Rockland Counties together with a map depicting with pin-point accuracy who were the licensed pistol owners in the paper’s service area. Career criminals were quick to bestow their thanks on the Journal-News for making it unmistakably clear which citizens were most probably unarmed and therefore most vulnerable to robbery, while at the same time depicting which citizens probably own pistols and exactly where they live in case the criminals opt to burgle some handguns for instant resale on the street. Reformed criminals have been unanimous in their condemnation of the Journal-News’s action as “insane” and “exceptionally stupid!” And that’s exactly what WOOF was looking for in the bestowal this first “Boxie” award. And then there was Frank Abagnale, the international criminal portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio in the 2002 Speilberg film, “Catch Me If You Can,” who denounced the newspaper’s actions as “reprehensible” …but we didn’t count that. Reprehensibility is not one of the qualifiers for the “Boxie.”
Anyhow, congratulations to the staff, editors, and publishers of the Journal News! And by the way, about that publishers? Yeah, they’re a Gannett newspaper, readers—so if you live in the affected areas and you get robbed, don’t think you can’t get your money back! You know, Gannett being the biggest single newspaper publisher in the whole country…you know, USA Today—stuff like that? SO they have a lot of money—like, you wouldn’t have to think, “oh it’s just a little local screed sheet run on a shoestring,” see, because there are actually some really big bucks behind this paper–you know—just in case you get robbed, hurt, humiliated, or deprived of property or anything in any of the areas they have on their map. Say, you probably wouldn’t even have to get robbed to feel breach of peace, pain, suffering, or emotional distress–the kind of stuff some psychologist could maybe talk about in court– Just sayin’ they’re a bunch of one-percenters at Gannett, they don’t need the money—not as much as you do.
By the way: Those wishing to congratulate the Journal News on their achievement should contact: The Journal News at 113 Westchester Ave., Suite N110. White Plains, NY 10604 or call the paper at (914) 694-9300
Or talk to the publisher, Janet Hasson at her home number: (914) 694-5204