Fellow Americans and devoted Wooferians, we have, as you are keenly aware, only until Friday at which point the great horror will fall upon us, and life as we’ve known it in these United States will cease to proceed as we’ve been accustomed to heretofore! Our valiant young though pathologically narcissistic President has done his utmost to scare the bloody hell out of us about this impending National fiscal collapse, and yet many remain unaware of the exact scope of the tragic events that are about to befall the nation. Even in the wake of the President’s Sunday morning release of his state-by-state predictions of doom, it appeared that many of our readers remained confused as to what will ensue if the Republican congress doesn’t cave in—which it actually (gasp!) may not—before the final hour tolls! Well, here’s the truth! The budget is not about to be cut at all—no, that sort of thinking is unknown in the Oval Office or on Capital Hill where politicians have honed the art of blathering endlessly about coming cuts to a budget that is in no respect to be cut, reduced, or even frozen. Not going to happen. Cuts? All you hear about is cuts? Slashing the budget? Draconian reductions in spending? Lies, lies, lies, fellow Woofites! There aren’t going to be any cuts. There is going to be a massive increase in the budget, billions in excess of what it was previously, and the effect of sequestration will be to reduce that rate of expansion by about 2.5% or a measly 85 billion—and even this slight decrease in the increase won’t be felt immediately, because the government can’t function that efficiently—it’s kind of bloated, have you heard? So what does that mean? The Congressional Budget Office predicts that overall, spending for FY 2013 will ultimately be reduced by that $85 billion-dollar figure, saying, “discretionary outlays will drop by $35 billion and mandatory spending will be reduced by $9 billion this year as a direct result of those procedures; additional reductions in outlays attributable to the cuts in 2013 funding will occur in later years.” What’s that mean? Well, the immediate reduction in the rate of bloating during FY 2013 (still not a cut, got that ?) will really, truly, be only about $44 billion, which is really only a 1.5% reduction in the amount that the Administration would otherwise be spending.
WOOF understands that this is hard on a lot of your brain bones. WOOF understands that you hear about taking a butcher’s cleaver to the federal budget whenever you turn on the Liberal Establishment Media, and you find it hard to fathom that they are just lying to you through their teeth—and in their defense, most of them aren’t lying at all.
They’re just stupid. We don’t mean to call them names or anything—we’re just explaining the news culture—it is mainly populated by idiots. Charlie Gibson is an idiot. Katie Couric is an idiot. They can’t help it—it’s not their fault. Soledad O’Brien? A pretty idiot. You have to work up to the level of say, Meet the Press before you run into the ones who are conscious constituents of the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy that Governs Us. And a lot of them are idiots too—Tom Brokaw? Total idiot. Not a bad guy, we suppose—just challenged. Dan Rather is a simpering moron…and a pretty bad guy to boot! Repeat these truths—you may find them liberating. But we digress.
What we were by way of telling you was that despite the onrushing terror of sequester, your friendly, neighborhood federal government will actually be spending considerably more in 2013 than it did in 2012. And that’s not all, folks. The federal government, even should sequestration kick in on Friday, will be spending more than at any other time in American history, even adjusted for inflation, except for 2011 (when we spent $3.598 trillion because we were still bailing out all those mom and pop “Volt” battery manufacturers and solar-powered windmill entrepreneurs to open the door to America’s green future—remember those days?) So now, if you are really naive, you may be wondering what on earth the President can be talking about when he warns us urgently of all the horrible depredations that sequester will visit upon the commonweal– why is the president telling us all these horror stories about a relatively benign event?
Aha! He’s telling you how scary it will all be, because he fully intends to make it a scary as possible! See, the whole idea of sequestration was Barack Obama’s suggestion in the first place, (yes, he’s now crusading against it, but he suggested it, honest!) and because he is handled by intensely clever Marxist/Leninist management, he took the advance action of building in the phenomenon of “discretionary” cutting. And because the targeting of the reductions are up to the President, he can focus them in ways to make the biggest and most ghastly disruptions. You may wonder why any American President would intentionally create crises during his own tenure in office, and the answer, obviously, is because the media will assist the First Marxist in appearing to be fighting against these crises, just as soon as he has caused them! This is how the last five years have gone in this country, by the way, have you noticed? Obama creates havoc, blames the Republicans, and comes out swinging against his own policies. The establishment media join “rappin’ preezy” in the blame shifting and the heroic posturing, .and 48% of the American people tell one another its all Bush’s fault while 51 percent of the electorate pulls the lever for four more years of this bilge and 2.5 million Republicans who should have shown up and voted stayed home, presumably more bothered by the prospect of a moderate Mormon president than that of a radical Red one.
Under the stewardship of the current Administration, WOOF fully expects a slue of petulant, revenge driven firings and layoffs which may have a genuine effect on the value of the daily lives of many Americans, but we will weather it, people—and a few of us will even have the insight requisite to holding the President responsible for it while we do. One cannot hold the Republican establishment responsible for anything at this point—they are still playing Charlie Brown to Obama’s Lucy—still running toward the proffered football only to be snookered anew with every salient. Ever since Howard Jarvis led a tax reform movement in California in the late ‘70s and Jerry Brown (a problem then as now) responded by cutting police and fire protection, as though there were not a multiplicity of options in porky sinecures in need of trimming, the favorite tactic of Liberal plutocrats whenever budgetary constraints threaten has been to ignore their cronies in the Statist bureaucracies and pull the paychecks for the first responders. Think it stinks? Gosh—blame the Republicans!
So what could happen? Well…if sequestration becomes the law of the land, we will finally and officially have gone over that fiscal cliff that we have avoided or kind of avoided approximately 37 times since Obama took office in 2008. This doesn’t mean that we won’t be looking at another fiscal cliff in a few weeks—they are Obama’s premeditated concomitant to all the endless wars he keeps claiming to have ended. But right now, we are busy driving right over this one—and here’s what may happen as a result!
Intelligence agency-affiliated and military-personnel-and-equipment cuts may be spectacular—not because they need to be, but because this is a set up. Nobody else seems to have noticed this, but Obama wants the military weakened to the extent of rendering this country a third-world enterprise—how else to humble the United States, which he is dedicated to wrecking utterly for good old dad and his beloved mentors, Frank Marshall Davis and Reverend Wright. Cuts he never could have made to the military and to national security without being accused of treasonable negligence, he can now make with total impunity and blame on the intractable GOP in congress. This he will assuredly do, and America will be considerably weakened as a result. If Obama’s bluff is called, and that’s all it is of course, he will do a Jerry Brown on the economy and stage a budgetary crisis for his lapdog media to depict and bitterly lament. Consider how odd is the fact that the media will be urged by Obama to magnify every minor episode as Obama causes it. Doesn’t that seem counterintuitive? In days gone by, if Reagan cut funding to albino hermaphroditic psychiatric services, the press would not
rest until they had located an albino hermaphrodite (possibly the only albino hermaphrodite) with a heartrending tale of untreated Bipolar I disorder, and Reagan would be held contemptible in the matter. But now, when Obama’s media amplify the voices of all who suppose themselves harmed by sequester,—the imagery will be of a GOP-created financial collapse. It helps when the news media are your bitch, huh, Barry!
But even as he continues to wreck havoc on the nation while pretending to be fighting the very havoc he engenders and blaming the resultant damage on the Republican party, (personified by the dumbfounded visage of Boehner, speechless and cringing) there remains a limit to the level of desperation the First Marxist can create while depicting himself as protecting us from. At least this time around/ And WOOF has noticed that the speeches the President is making that warn us of the coming devastation are completely unoriginal rehashes of past recitations of impending doom left over from the last six or seven financial cliffs, crises, and catastrophes that were pointed to as potentially ruinous unless the President got tax hikes and mega-spending programs immediately. All he wants now is another tax increase, and if he doesn’t get it, the military and some government contractors will just have to pay the price of his displeasure—but the discernable pain felt by the average American will be negligible. Yet, America is deluged with the trite banalities rehearsed by the President (who is maundering on someplace even now about women who won’t be able to get screened for cancer and police who will be dragged off the beat if sequestration defunds them, and vaccination programs that will be sidelined and teachers –who aren’t even federally funded, by the way—being furloughed en mass, and blah blah blah).
WOOF believes that the President would do well to whip up some fresher, more original concerns—because otherwise the administration is going to bore everyone—and that’s when it all becomes intolerable, don’t you agree? Bad for you and for us, Mr. President! You don’t want to bore us, and we don’t want to be bored, right? Nothing sadder than a dull conspiracy after all! So WOOF wants to help out –in a rare fit of bipartisan bonhomie–with some possible ramifications of reaching sequestration that are every bit as likely as most of those the president has mentioned, but less threadbare from habitual recitation!
- First of course, everyone should be warned to have 60 days of food, necessary medications, distilled water, and basic medical supplies. Don’t forget toilet paper and a can opener. WOOF would also advise a shotgun, but the Vice President already took care of that. A Mini-14, a 1911 semi-auto pistol in 45ACP, and a Bowie knife would also be a good ideas. Mobs mayrun insensately through the streets expecting to be starved or, possibly, put to work at any second.
- Cuts to astronomers’ subsidies may conflate with cuts to the military to produce a catastrophe in which a rogue comet strikes the earth after belated detection and an unsuccessful attempt at interception rendered impotent by cuts in military preparedness. This could eliminate half of earth’s population, flooding North America and leaving Western Europe and Russia arid and lifeless. It may also leave North Korea arid and lifeless, but nobody will notice.
- Grounding the secret, specially outfitted air fleet that flies around gushing “chemtrails” made of tiny particles of barium and thorium into our stratosphere to counteract global warming may result in the tides rising and other symptoms of severe climate change, baking the ice caps and sending the ever-increasing population of polar bears swimming for solid land. This will result in the populations of Canada and Russia being devoured wholesale as wave after wave of furious, ravenous bears struggle ashore in those nations.
- Safety crews at the nation’s nuclear power plants may be furloughed, engendering several China Syndrome style meltdowns and causing us to wonder yet again why the President is closing down all those coal burning plants, but the resultant nuclear heat will counteract the otherwise wintry conditions engendered by the comet strike!
- Foreign-aid funds dry up for the newly founded nation of “Koozastan” embittering it against its founder, John Kerry, and his state department thus driving the Koozastanis to abandon their legendary devotion to traditional democratic values. Neighboring Kyrzakhstan will invite Chinese technicians to assist with their arms program in order to better protect themselves as Koozastan forms an anti-American, anti-Israeli, anti-Gay pro-Islamic alliance with the similarly-disaffected Grand Dutchy of Fenwick.
- Layoffs at General Motors may negatively affect maintenance at the dealership levels to the extent that the Chevy Volt fleet could suffer a spate of battery fires leading to disabling explosions in at least two dozen of the vehicles—which is all of them.
- George Soros is forced to new levels of parsimony necessitating that several hundred left-leaning “news” operations he keeps afloat are forced to declare bankruptcy and allow themselves to be acquired by Al Jazeera, although the resultant alterations in tone and theme are so minor as to pass practically unnoticed amid the surrounding chaos.
- The President is forced to cancel his domestic drone surveillance program which results in an avalanche of crime, tea-party-related acts of domestic flag waving, Bernie Madoff-style copy-cat ponzi schemes as well as an epidemic of major and minor driving violations, schoolyard bullying incidents, cruelty to animals and littering. Detroit will secede from the Union.
- Michelle valiantly rallies the people, embodying the new economic normal by making extra money for the budget by performing as a mime in downtown DC, Joe Biden gets a part time job.
- And finally, as his own sacrifice in trying times, President Obama gives up his beloved hobby of skeet shooting owing to the high cost of shotgun shells. Instead, he has a tube run up his leg into the ejection port of his shotgun so that a Secret Service agent can blow cigar smoke out the barrel, yielding at least the same satisfying after effect as busting a few clays!
But all that said, here’s the really bad news, Wooferians: Even if sequestration turns out to be every bit this bad (which it won’t) there is something a whole lot worse coming and nobody’s mentioning it! Did you ever see the British horror epic “Gorgo?” That was a good film. It’s like Godzilla, only it’s Gorgo, and it happens in London, not Tokyo. Anyway, they think they have this gigantic dinosaur and it runs amok for a while and squishes some tanks and double-decker busses while the army shoots tracers at it, in the grand tradition,–but they finally subdue it, and then they realize it’s only a baby—and mom is coming and is she ever mad!
Holy mother of Gorgo!
See, you may have noticed that President Obama never bothers with budgets—the Constitution says he needs one approved every year, but the Great Helmsman doesn’t like the Constitution so he ignores the rules, and the Liberal Media Establishment never notices this, because it has the collective IQ of a cumquat, except for those few who are actually sentient, and they’re Marxists—but lumbering toward even the media’s edge of perception comes now Big Momma the Real Budgetary Crisis…Grrr! So Congress will have to pass yet another continual resolution—and this one is slated to be heavier on defense funding unless they try to negotiate a shift, so it could get really interesting just kicking the can down the road—and then, ultimately, if that should succeed, we’ll need another continuing resolution to have any money at all, because somebody—guess who– just can’t get around to coming up with a budget. And congress will have to grapple with this onrushing crisis and get a resolution of continuance passed by the end of March—or yikes! (You know the long form by now, right?) So please don’t sweat sequestration, dear readers—its peanuts compared to the budgetary surprise party President Obama has scheduled for a month from now! Did we mention it’s the Republicans’ fault? We may even have to cancel Saint Patrick’s Day at this rate! Say, is that racist?