True to our journalistic standards, WOOF took an exclusive lead last week in revealing that the President of the United States cannot differentiate James T. Kirk, a future native of Riverside, Ohio, from Obi Wan Kenobi who isn’t even an American. As we pointed out in last Sunday’s “Woof Bites,” President Obama concluded his confidential remarks at the annual Gridiron Dinner– the first ever Gridiron Dinner to be closed to the press (even though the press are the audience)—by announcing that he wanted “to thank everybody for not just a wonderful evening” but also wished to leave his devoted sycophants in the Washington Press Corpse “with the words of one of my favorite Star Trek characters, James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, ‘may the force be with you!’”
Okay, so James T. Kirk is one of President Obama’s favorite Star Trek characters, but he can’t keep him individuated in his consciousness from a character in an entirely disparate film played by an Englishman, the late Sir Alec Guinness. In fact, “rappin’ preezy” has clearly failed to mentally assimilate a pop-cultural aphorism so basic to Americana that any six year old could have straightened him out regarding it.
And one of our ever-alert Woofketeers emailed us to say that the presidential bollix at the Gridiron Dinner was not the first time Our Beloved Helmsman confused Star Trek with Star Wars—no, this threatens to become an habitual problem. Our sources reminded us (okay, we didn’t even know about this one, so we weren’t technically reminded so much as informed) that Dear Leader did just about the same thing back on March 1 of this year when he spoke of his desire to “do a Jedi mind meld” with the Republicans in congress to persuade them that his most recent offer was a good deal. Mind melds, however, are Vulcan (as in Star Trek), not Jedi (as in Star Wars). Jedi, so far as anyone knows, have no clue how to perform mind melds and are in any case moralists who would never employ such a technique to deceive congress, even if they knew how.
This strange inability to get American iconography correct is a consistent problem for the President who, readers may recall, once reminded a cheering crowd in Cincinnati that, “We’re the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad,” oblivious, seemingly of the impossibility of building an Intercontinental Railroad without bridging the Atlantic and the Pacific for starters. As for the transcontinental railroad, which is presumably what was intended, it seems safe to assert that had Obama been president in 1869 instead of Grant, he would have banned the enterprise because a) all the locomotives burned coal, b) the railroad magnates did not pay federal taxes, c) the transcontinental rail opened up the West enabling white imperialistic racists from the East to further subjugate the Native American tribes, and d) the connecting spike was driven in Utah, which everyone knows is full of Mormons.
Well, WOOF has resisted thus far the temptation to present a portmanteau of Our Magnificent Helmsman’s weirdly discordant pronouncements, mainly because doing so struck us as just a trifle facile and unnecessarily distracting from our important mission of uncovering deep-rooted communist subversion at home and abroad. Pausing to detail the First Marxists’s gaffes seemed unsporting, somehow— like shooting fish in a barrel—although, didn’t the Mythbusters prove that’s harder than it seems? That’s a good show. But anyway, with the Gridiron incident it seemed somehow ineluctable that we should set aside our principles long enough to reprise the record of this bizarre man, whom the Liberal Media Establishment has wasted no effort persuading us, going on five years now, is the single most brilliant individual ever to bestride American affairs of state. And speaking of cognitive dissonance– how is the public to relate these unremitting assertions of presidential genius to the funfest of addle-pate bloopers that radiate routinely from the presidential podium?
The Obaman capacity to wax simultaneously narcissistic and joltingly tone deaf has been apparent from the beginning of his regime. When the terrorist shootings at Fort Hood (November 5th 2009) resulted in 13 dead and 29 wounded, all gunned down by Major Nidal Malik Hasan as he shouted “Allah Akbar,” the nation turned to its young President for words of solace and a promises of swift justice. Instead, Obama bounded on stage at a Tribal Nations Conference as though he were emceeing a variety show and jovially thanked the members of his staff “who participated today!” Next he added, “I heard that Joe Medicine Crow was around, and so I want to give a shout out to that Congressional Medal of Honor winner—it’s good to see you!” After which, Medicine Crow got a round of enthusiastic applause despite the fact that he wasn’t around, and therefore couldn’t be seen. Nor had Joe Medicine Crow ever received the Congressional Medal of Honor. Obama had in fact awarded him the Medal of Freedom only two weeks earlier, but he obviously didn’t comprehend the difference. When Obama finally got around to saying a few words about the Fort Hood slayings, it was inexcusable mush.
On the other extreme, the president just as frequently showed a considerable talent for melodramatizing tragedies, as when he solemnly informed the press, “In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.” Actually 12 people died. It obviously helps secure the president’s sympathies if one is killed by someone or something other than a Muslim terrorist. The president’s sensitivity to Islam may be born of his own ambivalence, as he once spoke on live television of his gratitude to Senator McCain for not having “…talked about my Muslim faith” during the campaign. Ever the dedicated and objective journalist, ABC liberal George Stephanopoulos hastily reminded candidate Obama, “You mean your Christian faith,” to which Obama replied, “uh—Christian faith.”
And the business of confusing the nation’s highest military honor, so sacred that it is saluted automatically by any member of the military regardless of rank, and awarded preponderantly to those who gave their lives in acts of extraordinary courage, with the Medal of Freedom—awarded by presidential caprice (consider that Frank Sinatra won one), bespeaks a profound ignorance, indeed, ignorance of and contempt for, the American military. You may recall the occasion on which President Obama attempted to salute a United States Navy corpsman named Christopher Brossard, but referred to him as “Navy Corpse Man Christian Brossard” thus getting his first name wrong and transforming him from a medical specialist into a zombie in one fell swoop. The president proceeded to call Brossard a “corpse man” throughout his remarks. Most Americans can pronounce “corpsman” (pronounced core-man, of course) because even if they’ve never served in the Marines or the Navy they’ve seen war movies where Marines get wounded and yell for one. The idea, however, of our brilliant young president sitting through John Wayne in The Sands of Iwo Jima, for example, seems oddly surreal. You know in your hips, don’t you beloved readers, that Obama has never in his lifetime seen a John Wayne movie. And his weird obsession with zombie-like military figures was recycled at a Memorial Day ceremony where he thrust out his jaw and declared “…our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — ” Well, they say Lincoln saw ghosts, so maybe the First Marxist was furthering his efforts at consanguinity with the sixteenth president, who may also have been in the audience, although Barack didn’t mention seeing him.
At certain times, as we’ve all come to realize, the Presidential Teleprompter malfunctions—and most of us have also come to realize that on such occasions the President’s eloquence has a habit of trailing off into incoherent sentence fragments—like the time he suggested that a lot of little kids in emergency rooms probably just need breathalyzers.(We think he meant inhalers.) But when it comes to military occasions we are deprived of even the routine incoherencies. During a White House appearance intended to glorify the Obama administration’s efforts to mainstream military veterans into the workforce, the President took to the podium and appeared to freeze solid. He didn’t make his speech, he didn’t make small talk, he didn’t do anything. Instead, the President stood as though frozen at his podium for an unsettling minute and a twenty seconds during which time the audience became increasingly restive, so that the President finally looked nervously at the room and explained, “Just waiting, here,” which recitation of the blatantly obvious did little to mollify the increasingly agitated crowd. .
At no time did the President indicate what he was waiting for, but most probably his prompter simply hadn’t uploaded his speech in time for his entrance…in other words, his teleprompter malfunctioned. Most politicians would have joked with the crowd, made a few impromptu remarks, possibly voiced a few aphorisms about the importance of our military men and women—but not Obama. He was struck dumb by the failure of his prompter—without an authentic thought in his head about the serving military, or its alumni. Finally, a member of the audience cupped his hands about his mouth and shouted “Awwwwk-ward!” A few seconds later, the teleprompter flamed to life, and the President began his remarks as though he had just entered the room.
While debating Mitt Romney, Obama denied his opponent’s assertion that the Navy is smaller under his presidency than it was in 1916, (Romney had actually said 1917, the year we entered World War One, but Obama missed the point). Speaking of points, the President dismissed the drastic reduction in naval firepower, telling Romney, “We also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed.” Liberals in the audience guffawed at the spectacle of Romney being schooled on modern military realities by the savvy young Commander in Chief—but somebody forgot to brief the savvy young Commander in Chief regarding bayonets. Every Army and Marine rifleman is issued a bayonet and trained in its use. Horses may be gone, but a bayonet still snaps under the barrel of every military rifle. Perhaps this fact was just too yucky for consideration by whichever Team Obama member created that particular retort in anticipation of Romney’s logically foreseeable criticism.
Then we have the problem of geography. Why would the most brilliant human being ever to occupy the Oval Office call Iran “just a tiny country,” or give a speech in Hawaii (November 16th, 2011) and refer to himself as being “here in Asia?” Gosh, the man was allegedly born in Hawaii—does he think he was born in Asia? He is also famous for remarking during a speech in Austria that “Political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States…there’s a lot of — I don’t know what the term is in Austrian, wheeling and dealing.”
But of course there is no term in Austrian for “wheeling and dealing,” because there is no such language as Austrian—Austrians speak German—you know, like Hitler? Born in Linz, Austria, right Mr. President? And yes, we could probably forgive a man, even a man of the President’s towering genius, for forgetting, while giving a speech in Austria, that the native tongue was not “Austrian,” except that when he made speech he was in Strasbourg, which he clearly assumed to be in Austria but which is the ninth largest city in France. And Asia and France are not the only parts of the globe that bewilder our brilliant young president. He promised an El Paso audience in 2011 that border security was tight, declaring that “For the first time we’re screening 100 percent of the southbound rail shipments,” –problem being, of course, that it would be the northbound shipments smuggling in contraband of concern in this country.
In 2008 Candidate Obama gave a stirring speech at the site of the historic voting rights march in Selma, Alabama, in which he wowed the crowd with the story of how his mom and dad met each other because of the Selma march which so moved President Kennedy, Barack explained, that he established a program to bring African blacks to America to study here on scholarships—and thus Barack’s dad came to the States and met Barack’s mom, and they fell in love and had little Barack. Got that? Except that if you think about it, what Senator Obama told the audience was that because of the Selma march in 1965, President Kennedy established a scholarship for Africans (pretty noble of him, especially considering he’d been dead for two years) and as a result, Barack Obama Senior came to these shores in 1960, five years before the march in Selma inspired the late President to establish the scholarship that got him here, thus meeting his bride to be so that little Barack could be born in 1961—only four years before the march that would unite his parents. Got that? (If you think this proves the theory of time travel, WOOF has also considered this, see our Science and the Paranormal menu selection above for evidence that Obama may be a chrononaut!) The alternative, and admittedly less interesting explanation is that Kennedy did in fact establish the program that brought Obama’s daddy to America, but did so when he, Kennedy, was a Senator, not President as Obama wrongly asserted, thus the timeline works perfectly except for the part about Selma, which Obama just lied about to please the crowd. Confusing? Hey, the crowd ate it up!
Each American president must concern himself with the problems of the Middle East, but none has put this more concisely than our Dear Leader, who told a crowd in Tampa Florida (April 29, 2010) that, “The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.” As a candidate he also boldly reminded a crowd of perplexed Jordanians that, “Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under a McCain…administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change.” (Amman, Jordan, July 22, 2008) While actually in Israel, President Obama touted his determination to get tough on Iran, telling a crowd in the city of Sderot: “Just this past week, we passed out of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee — which is my committee — a bill to call for divestment from Iran as a way of ratcheting up the pressure to ensure that they don’t obtain a nuclear weapon.” The Israeli press is not the American News Media, however, and they did something that no self-respecting American journalist would dream of doing—they fact checked Obama—discovering that he had never served on the Senate Banking Committee. Oh, Bamster!
How’s it going, Sunshine?
Nor do the Presidents difficulties with domestic geography end with believing the state of his birth to be in Asia. He made a broadcast via satellite to the Democratic Convention in 2008, declaring, “I’m here with the Girardo family here in St. Louis.” He was actually in Kansas City. And so, in the interest of accuracy, was the Girardo family.
It is widely publicized by right-wing opinionists that the President thinks there are 57 states because of a remark he made to a reporter during his 2008 campaign swing through Beaverton, Oregon. But this is untrue. The President actually said, “I’ve now been in 57 states, I think– one left to go.” So that would be 58 states in the Obama Nation, just to be perfectly accurate. And then there was the time he found himself campaigning in Sunrise, Florida and greeted the crowd by shouting, “How’s it going, Sunshine?”
On the road
Every politician is prey to lapsus linguae while enduring the rigors of the campaign trail—but Our Beloved Helmsman is particularly adept at misstating matters in ways that say more than the intended remark would have. In New Hampshire in 2009 the newly elected Obama was trying to make the case for government efficiency and the blessings of socialized health care. Oddly, he came up with the fact that, “UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right?” Taking stock of his audience’s failure to comprehend this logic, he added, “It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems,” thus confuting his own point. He may still have had the postal system in mind when he explained in a speech made in Washington DC (July, 2009) that “The reforms we seek would bring greater …inefficiencies to our health care system.”
There were the arithmetically challenged moments, such as the exhortation to return to American manufacturing “making products we sell around the world, stamped with three proud words: Made in the USA!”
Then there was the chilling moment in Springfield, Illinois when, during a campaign stop, Obama introduced Joe Biden to a wildly applauding assemblage as “The next President,” which WOOF profoundly hopes was in no sense prophetic.
What WOOF knows….
WOOF is convinced, based on certain reliable sources and some sophisticated meditative noodling, that Barack Obama, the smartest man ever to occupy the Oval Office. according to the communal wisdom of the American media, has a room-temperature IQ between 116 and 126, on the Wechsler Scale. From the inception of his political career, strange and powerful forces have enforced an ironclad secrecy about Our Beloved Helmsman’s college applications, records, writings, and transcripts that has led many to the natural assumption that a great deal is being purposefully hidden. WOOF knows these grades were not sufficient to justify his transfer to Columbia University in 1981 from a small school in Los Angeles (Occidental College), which he was attending on a mysterious scholarship. Next came his acceptance by Harvard’s Law School—and his evident graduation cum laude in 1991. We are allowed to read the cum laude part, but forbidden to examine his transcripts. And who paid for Obama to attend Harvard? Michelle says he went by means of student loans, but WOOF knows that records of such loans being made or repaid, which should be readily obtainable, do not exist. And even stranger than this is the fact that Obama’s records from kindergarten through high school (presumably in Hawaii) are missing. Even Obama’s family’s application to the Punahou School in Hawaii has vanished—and WOOF knows the application contained his actual birth certificate and relevant information.
The Western Center for Journalism, (see WOOF LINKS below) estimates that the President’s personal legal team has spent 1.4 million dollars blocking access to documents that should be public information.. Besides his entire academic history, the President has directed that Americans be shooed away from his medical history, and one cannot rely on his two autobiographies for data because, as has become increasingly apparent even to a perplexed Media Establishment, they are mainly fiction—even the President’s girlfriend, whom he describes at length in “Dreams From My Father”—turned out to be non-existent, requiring Obama to acknowledge that she was “a composite of several girlfriends.” How eerie is that?
WOOF also knows that a variety of social security cards and numbers have been associated with Barack Obama, which fact alone is bizarre in the extreme, but even odder is the fact that the card now referenced by Obama in his official record was issued in Connecticut in 1976—whereas the President never lived or worked in Connecticut and was in any case only 15 years old at the time of issuance. Considering that there is no evidence of the President ever having had, you know, a job—as in a real job–this seems particularly incomprehensible, since relatively few cushy high-dollar sinecures are available, even in the brie & chablis haut monde of the liberal ruling elite, for 15-year olds.
To put in plainly, gentle readers, we have twice elected to the most powerful office in the world a man about whom we know less than we do about the Chinese emperors of the Sung Dynasty. What we are told of him by a unanimously adulatory media establishment is no more actual than what one might learn from the Nuremberg Chronicle about Prester John. And yet the American journalistic establishment steadfastly ignores these mysteries and devotes itself to savaging any who dare enquire. WOOF knows that the answers to these riddles are known to the Red Chinese and Russian intelligence services, however…so why are they not forthcoming with the incriminating details? Because blackmail only works so long as the inculpatory secrets are withheld….and in any case, why would a man largely raised and tutored by Communist Party leader Frank Marshall Davis be disinclined to preside in a fashion amenable to Communist goals? You know, like, maybe devastate the economy, preach Marxist class warfare from the podium, gut the military, redistribute wealth, shred the constitution and disarm the people? And the really embarrassing part is, as you have just seen, it doesn’t take a genius! It only required decades of subverting the media and the academy into blind obeisance to the Red Cause, and someone to take center stage. And in Barack Hussein Obama, the monolithic worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy found that someone! And we are they, fellow patriots, who must unmask him, as the Fourth Estate has deserted its post!