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THIS SUMMER? LET’S MAKE IT WAR WITH SYRIA! “Operation Distraction” Wags the Dog –and Slim Pickens’ ride may be here!

In "Springtime for Terror" Forum on June 20, 2013 at 4:06 am
"When it battle I am never lost, for I always watch on TV from my drones!"

When in battle I am never lost, for I always watch my drone surveillance on TV!”

The TIMES they are a-changin’?

imagesCAWEF1VHWas it a sign of the apocalypse, a genuine shift in editorial policy, or just what Rush Limbaugh likes to call “a random act of journalism?” Or maybe there’s something atavistically stimulating about the anniversary date of June 6th that brings out the Americanism in people—even those unregenerate fellow travelers at the subversive New York Times. But for whatever reason, the “Grey Lady” roused herself from that stuporous apathy which safeguarded her from the slightest twinge of journalistic curiosity through the Fast-and-Furious scandal, the Benghazi betrayal, the secret criminal initiatives undertaken against the Associated Press and Fox News, the weaponizing of the IRS, and Eric Holder’s and Lois Lerner’s clandestine war against the Tea Party.

Et tu, "Pinchy?" What is Editor Sulzberger thinking?

Et tu, “Pinchy?” What is Editor Sulzberger thinking?

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the Times bestirred itself to declare the clandestine monitoring and storing of the average American’s most intimate telephonic and cyberspacial communications a “massive overreach” by the administration, boldly opining that Obama had “now lost all credibility,” a judgment that was subsequently modified (as colder feet seemingly prevailed) to read, “now lost all credibility on this issue [mocking italics WOOF’s].” But the Times held fast to its original view that “To casually permit this surveillance — with the American public having no idea that the executive branch is now exercising this power — fundamentally shifts power between the individual and the state, and repudiates constitutional principles governing search, seizure and privacy.”

The Times didn’t stop there, either—it named Obama as culpable and insisted that he had every intention of keeping his malefactions a state secret—wow! If you are the Obama Administration (you’re not, are you?) this had to freak you out of your socks. Everyone knows that the New York Times never criticizes Obama—never! And yet all of a sudden, America’s “paper of record” thrusts its bloody blade into the back of the entire socialist-totalitarian conspiracy! And even more terrifying must be the probable ripple effect in the other lap-poodle media. It is not widely understood, nor, of course, ever mentioned by the news media, that almost no one at any of the original TV news operations has any clue how to gather or prioritize news stories. Nada. From the early ‘60s onward it has been a gentleman’s secret at the “major networks” that their news producers simply thumb through the New York Times and report the same stuff the same way. This always worked fine from a liberal point of view, but suddenly, without warning, it seemed likely that ABC, NBC, CBS, and possibly PBS would be inclined by habit and dependency to parrot the Times’s expose of the president’s lost credibility and shameful skullduggeries. And this could not be permitted to happen! (Egad!)

bamster pensive

What would the Bubba do?

Ms. Lewinski strikes a classic stenographic pose.

Ms. Lewinsky strikes a classic stenographic pose.

The problem didn’t really require a great deal of fixing. It must have been completely obvious to Obama’s mob lieutenants from the beginning that at the slightest excuse to distract itself from hard news stories, the Liberal Media would ignore every scandal currently engulfing the White House and joyfully refocus on anything else even plausibly attention-worthy. The only remaining question was, what sort of “anything else” was available? Well…remember when Bill Clinton discovered that Monica Lewinsky had his –umm—DNA preserved on her dress? And, oops,  that meant that he had to quit dismissing her as a psycho-bimbo stalker from Hell and admit instead that he had, after all, had sex with her a time or ten, come to think of it. (Remember him biting his lip?) And to get everyone’s mind off this inconvenient fact, and possibly escape impeachment, President Clinton first tried blowing up an aspirin factory in the Sudan with a couple of one-million dollar cruise missiles. This, he told Americans, was a near fatal blow dealt terrorism in the Middle East which is especially amusing in hindsight since the Sudanese thereupon offered him Osama Bin Laden–at that time their prisoner, and Bubba said no thanks)—but the truth leaked out about the darn aspirin factory and it became the stuff of spoofs and late night comedy.  Chagrined, President Clinton did some soul searching and decided that America needed to bomb the be-jabbers out of Kosovo in Eastern Europe in order to stamp out evil, and genocide, and, you know…bad stuff.

"I never had sex with that woman! "  Unleash the dogs of war!

Cry, “I never had sex with that woman! ” and unleash the dogs of war!

One thing the U.S. Military does really well is bomb the be-jabbers out of places, and the spectacular light show of night bombings is always a crowd pleaser. President Clinton, although ultimately impeached, was not removed from office. By drastically inflating the number of Kosovo’s Albanians killed by state forces, Clinton made Yugoslav President Slobodan Milošević look like a world-class genocidal maniac, (whereas he was strictly bush league), so the media joyfully turned their attentions to Clinton’s visually appealing bombardments, which probably killed around 5,000 innocent civilians. But Milosevic (rather sensibly) surrendered to NATO, otherwise known as the good guys, and was tried for crimes against humanity by the United Nations. The trial was held at the Hague, of course, and being a UN-sponsored event it naturally dragged on for years ending only when Milošević rather unsportingly died of a heart attack and everybody had to go home. . .

Son of “Wag the Dog”                                                                                                                                                                     

Cindy Sheehan's 15 minutes were up the moment Dems took over the wars in the Middle East--did she get a job, or move, or what?.

Cindy Sheehan’s 15 minutes were up the moment Dems took over the wars in the Middle East–did she get a job, or move, or what?.

You might think, at first glance, that the Obama administration merely asked itself what the stupidest possible foreign policy move would be at this moment in history, on the assumption that towering ineptitude would sufficiently astonish and fixate the media to distract one and all from the flurry of the ever-emerging domestic scandals; but give them more credit than that. What they actually asked themselves was, what did Clinton do to escape the wrath of the people and the glare of the spotlight when the Lewinsky business blew up in his face? And the answer was obvious—he wagged the dog! You see, war is always okay with Liberals when they wage it. Where do you think Cindy Sheehan went when the Bamster took office? What happened to Code Pink? Where are the parading college students carrying coffins and wearing war casualty make-up protesting the ongoing wars in the Middle East? Where are those casualty figures dolefully recited by media sermonizers? Vanished into the mist! Polls indicate that most Americans believe we have left Iraq and finished up in Afghanistan, thus these ongoing conflicts are unknown to the Nations’s legions of  low information voters.in wag thw dog

Besides, all American casualties magically became “NATO casualties” the moment the Bushes were booed out of the West Wing.  Our gentle readers may recall the film, Wag the Dog, which rose to popularity during the Clinton Administration’s sideshow in the Balkans, largely because its plot seemed to presage Clinton’s sudden obsession with  military glory. In the film, a fictional president gets caught with an underage girl and fabricates a totally fictitious “war” with Albania to distract public opinion. The war in the film is staged by Hollywood producers and the patriotic fervor it bestirs in the unwitting American public leads to the president’s re-election despite his sexploits—a plot that narrowly predated Clinton’s Lewinsky/Bosnia venture and seemed eerily predictive of it. But, as the Clintonistas realized, fake wars are not as impressive as real ones, so the  cleansing of Yugoslavia of, well, cleansers, was undertaken…with a bang and a boom, as it were. And thus was created a template for future Leftist presidents to employ when scandals threatened their sinistral designs!

One thing about "Wag the Dog," it had Kirsten Dundt in it! Obama's war in Syria does not.

One thing about “Wag the Dog,” it had Kirsten Dunst in it! Obama’s war in Syria does not…an unforgivable omission. 

The road to Damascus!

WOOF readers are aware that John McCain flew to Syria on a highly publicized “secret mission” and met with rebel forces—some of whom turned out to be kidnappers, racists, and murderers, but failed to tell the Senator’s advance team in time to have their photo-ops cancelled. Senator McCain (R-AZ) returned to the Capital saying what he was already saying before he left–namely that the United States should take decisive action to oust Bashar Al Assad, Syria’s psychotic-yet-oddly-banal dictator, famous for his peculiarly tiny head, fat neckties, and profoundly hot wife.

John McCain making himself foolish in Syria..

John McCain indiscriminately posing for snapshots with fans during his “secret” mission to Syria.

Lindsey Graham, (R-S.C), who never misses a chance to assert something boneheaded, seconded McCain’s sentiments, telling CBS news that, “The President’s red line has been crossed. U.S. credibility is on the line. Now is not the time to merely take the next incremental step. Now is the time for more decisive actions.” And then, as the Supremes might say,  it happened! After continuously ducking the obvious fact that Assad used chemical weapons against his rebellious citizenry as much as six months earlier, Obama’s administration suddenly discovered, to their shock and amazement, only last week, that Assad used chemical weapons against his rebellious citizenry! An outraged President Obama declared that the United States would swing into action on the side of rebel forces., thus allying ourselves with Al Qaeda (just as we did in Libya during Hillary Clinton’s tenure as the most dramatically incompetent Secretary of State in American history), and plunge ourselves into an impossibly complex war zone teeming with contending interests and military forces, all of them rotten. True, by precipitately plunging American forces into the fray, Dear Leader could easily cause World War III, maybe even Armageddon, but the Bamster has never been one to let potential devastation, whether economic, literal, or Biblical, distract him from his immediate self interest.

The BLEAK PICTURE!

General Casey: The main fight is always the same: Multiculturalism!

General Casey: The main objective never changes: Multiculturalism!

America is now committing herself to a third middle eastern war, the other two having gone so swimmingly. What does this deployment look like so far? Well first it becomes apparent that Secretary of State John Kerry, who opposed intervention in Syria before he was for it, and who praised Bashar Assad as a statesman and a visionary before, more recently, denouncing him as depraved lunatic, was bringing his several weeks of combat experience in Vietnam to the table, whereas Obama’s newly hand-picked Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, whose most significant traits are his snarky antisemitism and his rug-level IQ, will form the driving brain trust of the expeditionary force—together with whatever posterior-osculating military poltroons parade their stars and braids and scrambled eggs into the Beloved Helmsman’s war room to cluster officiously around their Supreme and Infallible Strategist the better to offer their politically correct assessments while trying all the while to sound more like SLA Marshall than Admiral Wrongway Peachfuzz—you know who we mean. Those politcolonels and General embarrassments who have, with a few blessed exceptions, gotten where they are by fawning over the perfect creases of the Bamster’s pants. Regarding this, WOOF would just like to pause a moment and ask once again: “Who promoted Peress?” And for that matter, who imagined that Wesley Clark should receive a fourth star, let alone a first one? And when Nadal Mallik Hassan shot down 45 of his fellow soldiers, both men and women, in cold blood at Fort Hood while shouting the praises of Allah, and Chief of Staff General George W. Casey rushed out to assure everyone that the real problem was that Hassan’s killing spree might cause a backlash against “some of our Muslim soldiers” which would be just terrible because, “as horrific as this tragedy was, if our diversity becomes a casualty, I think that’s worse.” …why wasn’t he immediately transferred to Antarctica for penguin outreach? Anyhow, you get WOOF’s drift here, right? Things keep going down hill, and everybody’s afraid to notice it!  (Except us, of course!)

Who DID promote Peress? Maybe Zazzle knows!

Who DID promote Peress? Maybe Zazzle knows!

The US military is deploying 20,000 additional soldiers to Jordan in case they are needed for an invasion of Syria, which of course they aren’t, while 200 troops from the 1st Armored Division will establish a headquarters near Jordan’s border with Syria, just in case Obama decides intervention is necessary, and we still happen to have some tanks left that he didn’t give away to the Muslim Brotherhood.  The Los Angeles Times, never previously known to monger war, or anything else to the right of unicorns and rainbow sprites, breathlessly added that American military spokesmen “explicitly described [the movement of forces] as a possible step toward direct military involvement in Syria,” The Pentagon has reported that plans exist to expand the force to 20,000 or more if necessary, including bringing in special operations teams to find and secure Syrian chemical weapons stockpiles, plus US air defense units now being flown into Jordan’s airspace, and conventional military units capable of moving into Syria if necessary.”

But wait, there’s still more!

The magnificently imposing USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, one of America’s 11 main battle carriers (CVNs) has evidently overcome the crippling constraints of dread sequestration  and is now off the Syrian coast where she joins 17 American destroyers as well as  several frigates and guided missile cruisers. The Eisenhower herself contains eight fighter bomber squadrons and 8,000 personnel, plus a substantial compliment of combat-ready Marines.

USS David E. Eisenhower (CVN 69)  Enormous power, illusive purpose!

USS  Eisenhower (CVN 69) Enormous power, elusive purpose!

And what about the United States Air Force? We can’t have a good distraction this summer without them, too, right? Well, if there is one thing that really scares us here at WOOF, it is Senator Lindsey Graham’s inexhaustible capacity for ideas. When he and John McCain have the same idea simultaneously it spells double trouble for everyone, witness the current immigration disaster they are jointly huckstering! But lest we digress….the latest military brainstorm from Lindsey entails the pressing need for American air superiority in a part of the world that, the truth be told, holds not an iota of national interest for us at the moment. But now that Our Dear Leader has decided to throw in with the psychopathic rebel contingent and eliminate the regime of Bashar Al-Assad by throwing the full might of the United States behind Al- Qaeda, Lindsey and John want to see the imposition of a “no-fly’’zone over Syria to eliminate Assad’s air advantage. Last weekend,  Graham said on NBC’s Meet the Press, “I think you can neutralize the air power by cratering the runways with cruise missiles and you can set up a no-fly zone by having aircraft and Patriot missile batteries operating out of Turkey and Jordan to neutralize the air power.”  Or at least that’s probably how it looked when Lindsey set it all up on his card table at home, he being old enough to think that Patriot missiles hit airplanes–they used to. The PAC-3 Patriot is a complete system redesign, intended exclusively to destroy tactical ballistic missiles. But we digress.

john and lindsey

When these two silly RINOS put their heads together, one never knows what zany antics may ensue!

Wake us when the revolution’s over!

Now look, if America’s strategic interests were currently salvageable in this region, or even descry-able, all this would be fine and dandy, but the fact is, that the small envelope of time during which Assad could have been toppled and an effective government installed in Syria is long past.  Hillary (“Her Magnificence”) Clinton and Obama ignored it, and the Iranian “green revolution” too, while they were busy turning Egypt and Libya into Anti-American, anti-Semitic terror states, and ignoring the 8-hour battle that killed their own ambassador, two SEALS and a state department official in Benghazi. That bird has flown. Here’s the line up now: we have American aircraft being positioned in Turkey, and by permission in Jordan, where Patriot Missile cites are also being established….to shoot down enemy missiles, got that Lindsey Graham?

900 Russian Marines into the bargain--some, evidently, transexual!

900 Russian Marines into the bargain–some, evidently, transsexual!

We certainly won’t be lonely.  Although Benjamin Netanyahu has displayed a killjoy’s commitment to common sense and sound judgment throughout this imbroglio, issuing public statements to the effect that Israel’s Defense Forces will not take up arms on behalf of either side, unless its own interests are affected, almost everybody else wants to play in Syria. Syria has an excellent air force courtesy of the Soviets, excuse us, the Russians, and the Russians themselves maintain strong air assets in striking distance of anywhere in the country. Russian naval power is also obsessively clustered around Syria, and her first aircraft carrier is said to be en route.  Well founded rumor has also reached WOOF’s vigilantly-perked ears that 900 Russian Marines have deployed to Syria, ostensibly to protect Russian interests, which in reality means shooting at us.

Reporting for duty? Not again!

Reporting for duty? Not again!

John Kerry (who was in Vietnam, before he was against it)  took to a podium in Germany this weekend to sternly warn the Russians that they should not send new S-300 missiles to Syria because this might “prolong the country’s civil war, imperil attempts to form a transitional government through negotiation and hurt Israel’s strategic interests.” That’s telling them, John. Obviously Vladimir Putin never counts the day wasted if he can prolong the struggle, backstab any effort at transitional government, and bollix Israel’s interests, not to mention play Obama like a balalaika– but John Kerry is the only thing worse than a fatuous dunderhead, he is a stentorian one, which makes his maunderings unbearable in every nation he subjects to them, and this is very much true in Russia. In fact, we bet the Kremlin thinks he’s as funny as WOOF does. Worse, German Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle (who may also be a fatuous dunderhead, although WOOF lacks sufficient data to assert as much) made similar remarks and indicated that Germany might view further interference from Russia as provocative. Russians, however, are not afraid of Germans. They just really hate them.

During a TV interview with French Channel 2 on Tuesday, French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius threatened that all options including military intervention are on the table. At home, Boy Propagandist Jay Carney found himself “concerned deeply” (and for the first time on record) “about the continued fighting in Qusayr,” (you can substitute Bosnia here, if you want to observe the original Bubba template in action). Carney added that the” situation has led to a dire situation, with severe shortages of food, water and medicine.” Yeah, war does that. Meanwhile, France and the UK say the Syrian government has used chemical weapons against militants, a claim Damascus has rejected as “lies,” which means, obviously, that its true.

French scientists have long suspected the use of saran gas by Assad;s forces in Syria!

French scientists have long suspected the use of sarin gas by Assad’s forces in Syria!

According to the French minister, samples taken from Syria and tested in France “prove the presence of sarin.”  But everyone’s known that for a while now, really, which makes Obama’s suddenly manifested indignation seem all the more ludicrous. Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan (whose name has somehow never been changed in any way by the AP at any time during his tenure) insisted Iran is the only country that could help Bashar Al Assad survive the massive protests geared to topple his regime. Why do they care? Well, see, Damascus lays claim to the historical Antioch region of the Euphrates River valley, but so do the Turks. So, by the way, do the Iranians. So Turkey has flipped and adapted a Bashar-must-go policy while the Iranians, who at top levels are famously if often illogically intransigent, remain steadfastly pro-Bashar, which fact Iran recently emphasized by sending four-thousand good-will ambassadors in the form of its murderous Revolutionary Guard to the region.  But this get’s better!

What if they gave a war and EVERYBODY came?

indexWe may derive some cheer from knowing that the vilest bottom crawler in the entire region, President Morsi (whose name is occasionally changed by the AP to Mursi but now appears to have reestablished itself as Morsi) has sided against the vile and corrupt Assad administration! Huzzah, right? Of course Egypt is backing the same people we are now allied with, because we handed Egypt over to Al-Qaeda’s forces back when Mrs. Clinton decided that our time-honored ally President Mubarak was the worst person on earth and had to go, remember? This led the way to “Arab Spring” which turned out to be a pan-regional nightmare and collapsed in a bloody seizure of power by Egypt’s Islamic Brotherhood, led by Morsi, the artist formerly known as Mursi, formerly of Hamas, now known as the Egyptian government. So having realized that Morsi was a slathering, insensate terrorist who raved incessantly about annihilating Israel, ( whose citizens he considers apes) Obama presented him with 400 Abrams main battle tanks and a squadron of F-16 fighters.

Did we mention Asma Assad is hot? She is also rumored to enjoy observing torture--but one must overlook such things in beautiful women.

Did we mention Asama Assad is hot? She is also rumored to enjoy observing torture–but one must overlook such idiosyncrasies in beautiful women.

Morsi figures this all went so well, he would like to see the same thing happen in Syria, and who can blame him? So he, Morsi, is now on the side of Al-Qaeda, NATO, and us—otherwise known as the good guys. And speaking of whom, did you realize that Hamas, the ‘terrorist elite’ of Gaza, has dumped poor Bashar Al-Assad (and his very hot wife) and abandoned any ties to Damascus and now supports the Gulf Arabs’ desire to crush Assad?  Syrian government forces claim that Hamas has even trained Syrian rebels in the manufacture and use of home-made rockets, which is how the Syrian government sounds when it isn’t making stuff up.  Jordan  meanwhile is requesting additional American troops, planes, and Patriot missiles, because it is understandably terrified, leaving Israel as the only rational principality in the neighborhood, and, of course, everyone else wants them to disappear.  Well, except  Jordan–and the King of Jordan has a a hot wife too, and she’s even American, so maybe he deserves some more Patriot missiles.

And then there’s the dragon’s breath from far Cathay!

That’s right, gentle readers, we would be remiss to pretermit the Chinese from this analysis! The Chinese?  Yes, dear readers, the Chinese, by whom Syria is considered a trading hub in which China has immersed an extraordinary amount of investment. WOOF KNOWS that China is also one of the sources that arms and manipulates Hamas and Hezbollah as surrogate  Katzenjammer kids in this cauldron of crisis and shifting opportunities. Why–? Look, some people are just inscrutable!

chinese intervention

So why is Obama there at all, sticking our Country’s nose into the biggest light socket anywhere on the planet currently, making false friends out of authentic enemies, while genuinely alienating old friends, and allying himself with the lowest of the low? What purpose does any of this serve? Well, for the naive view, lets turn to the those dear hearts, John McCain and Lindsey Graham. “It’s disgraceful….the United States sitting by and watching this happen,” said John, meaning that he was prepared to make as much sense on this issue as he has in his ongoing crusade to permanently screw up  immigration.  Lindsey Graham, the Pillsbury-dough RINO, added on Meet the Press that he just doesn’t see why the Iranians should take our objections to their nuclear program seriously unless we stand up to Syria. Really, Lindsey?  But the Iranians aren’t going to take us more seriously just because we do a cannonball dive into a snake pit for the broadcasting pleasure of Al Jazeera.

indexo

No, somebody should tell the Keebler Elf from  South Carolina that Iran will take us seriously when we end their nuclear program by detonating a  100 kt warhead over  their largest nuclear research facility. And not before. Got that, Lindsey?  Arming and training  Al-Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah  just isn’t going to produce peace in our time– didn’t we learn this lesson from the mujaheddin? Nukes, truth be told, have a better diplomatic track record than multiculturalism. So, as we said at the beginning, Woofketeers, the only reason that the United States of America is currently throwing itself into this hell-broth with such preternatural zest and insouciance, is that Our Beloved Helmsman believes it will buy him some time away from the sprawling domestic desolation created by the malignant synergy of his Marxist class-warfare obsession in tandem with his sophomoric determination to promote kitschy, Castro-ite economic values, not to mention the domino effect of his anti-constitutional conspiracies becoming serially exposed. That he is risking World War Three to distract the nation from his high crimes and misdemeanors does not bother him—indeed, it may not have occurred to him, so far from reality is he removed by the twin demons of adulation and conceit.  So its off to war, folks, to save Rappin’ Preezy’s second term… Let’s do it for the in-crowd shall we? Lets win one for Tina Brown, for Chris Matthews, and the girls on the VIEW, eh wot? (Always remember, Woofketeers: There is nothing more violent, nor more ineptly violent,  than a peace-nik breaking bad!)

Mr. Pickens, sir, your ride's here!

Mr. Pickens, sir, your ride’s here!

Come to think of it, in the film Wag the Dog, they actually hired a composer to write a catchy theme song for the war to get everyone feeling patriotic rather than censorious—and it worked pretty well…so WOOF hereby suggests the following adaptation of Irving Berlin’s classic“This is the Army”:

This is the tail that wags the dog!/ The bill of rights has vanished  in the fog!/You once had some freedoms/but this is war/And they won’t bother you anymore! Although, for those of you who remain, as does WOOF, a bit more invested in what’s really going on in the Republic and around the planet, WOOF recommends the more enlightened strategy advanced by an old folk-blues ditty from Lead Belly’s repertoire,  tossed off with the simple but inspired tactical sapience of a veritable delta-style Sun-Tzu; to wit: 

“If’n your house catches fire, and thar ain’t no water ’round– Jus’ crawl out th’ window, an’ let the dawg-gone place burn down!”  (“Come a ki-yi-yippy-come-a-ki-yi-yippy-yippy-ay!”) Are ya  listenin’ out there, Rappin’ Preezy?   There is still time, brother!   “Yippy-ay!”

Huddie Ledbetter--the American Clausewitz

Huddie Ledbetter–an American Clausewitz

BREAD AND CIRCUSES–HOLD THE BREAD! How the Media will fill Recovery Summer #5 with enough hocus pocus to keep Obama in soft focus!

In "The Media are the Massage" forum on June 2, 2013 at 9:26 pm

side show

Summer distractions are going to be bigger and better than ever this year, and we’re already off to a stellar beginning thanks to the Liberal News Media’s anxiety-ridden search for anything Americans can be made to pay attention to other than the totalitarian takeover of our body politic by the most ruthless, mendacious and ego-maniacal President in our nation’s history and his merry band of Marxist functionaries whose mission is to subvert the constitution by any means at their disposal whilst our Beloved Leader scratches his head, and pretends utter bewilderment that such chicanery is afoot. Take the former IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman, whose tireless efforts to keep the president entirely ignorant of his agency’s metamorphosis into a voter-suppression syndicate and a vile utensil of Leftist coercion and harassment spreading terror among Tea Party groups as well as Christian and Jewish organizations, clearly required an abundance of bureaucratic deceptiveness. No other world leader in history, with the possible exception of King John, has ever been so doggedly attended by his tax collector…and one can only shudder in consideration of what fiendish dissembling may have deluded our young president into presuming all to be well throughout his realm!  In fact, we now learn, Mr. Shulman visited the White House 157 times, which is considerably more than any adviser or cabinet member on the Presidential staff! Obviously keeping the President in the dark about the nefarious exploits of the Internal Revenue Service is a labor-intensive commitment! Well, nobody can fault Mr. Shulman’s dedication, even as we at WOOF persist in marveling at his resemblance to the human constituent of “Wallace and Gromit.”

Shulman and Wallace--just sayin'

Shulman and his above-mentioned doppelganger, Wallace–both sporting feet of clay?

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But summer turns our thoughts—to the extent that the televised and printed media still possess the power to steer them into summery latitudes—to less complex and detail-ridden matters—such as murder!  Not to be insensitive or anything, but everybody loves a good murder and the all-news cable channels are always happy to inflate tales of treachery, tawdriness and homicide into national fixations, the better to advance their ratings. That’s okay—that’s free enterprise, although WOOF privately suspects that plenty of important and culturally vicissitudinous murders happen around us fairly often and never elicit a mumble from the Fourth Estate; but we are, admittedly, considered paranoid by many experts. That said, the only murders that seem to make national headlines are the kind with sex and blondes in them, with allowances made for the occasional comely brunette. But until recently these exploitative spasms occurred in a catch-as-catch-can fashion, coming along when they came along. This week, however, the standards of intrigue have been lowered, somewhat, because like we said earlier, the media are desperately seeking distractions, and anything is better than nothing in the crimes-of-passion department, or it so it lately seems.

Case in point: Somewhere in the wilds of Orono, Maine, a guy fell in love with his pretty teenage neighbor, but she spurned his advances. Undaunted, the young man decided to set up a phony Facebook account, use it to befriend the girl and entice her out of her home, stage her kidnapping, hide her in the woods, and then go back and pretend to find her, thus rescuing her (from himself, get it?) and becoming her hero. Foolproof, right? And to assure himself of a broad consensus, the young man told his brother all about the plan, and told his actual girlfriend, too. He then proceeded to lure the unfortunate miss out of her home, and abduct her as planned. He cleverly wore a ski mask to avoid being recognized, and duct-taped the young lady head to toe, tossing her in the back of his pick up truck. Unfortunately, in his haste,  the young man forgot that people need to breathe, and duct-taped the young lady’s mouth and nose, so that she was dead by the time he sought to retrieve her. His plan thus frustrated, the young man dumped the young lady’s body in the woods and went home.

kyle and victim

Kyle Dube, kidnapper and rescuer-manque, and accidental homicide victim, Nichole Cable

Our gentle readers will not be surprised to learn that the young man was subsequently apprehended—recently enough, in fact, that his alleged crimes must be deemed alleged (even though he obviously committed them). But what was surprising is the amount of media attention this story received over the next several days, including the so called “major networks,” which treated this grim incident as though it were the crime of the century—and why?  Well, not because it was a slow news week! No, because nowadays a hot news week is when the distractions must be trotted out, because the more time spent reporting the imbecilic actions of the accidental murderer from Orono, the less time need be devoted to the Holder debacle, the IRS debacle, the AP-emails fiasco or the Benghazi travesty. But this augurs well for followers of true crime reportage, because if this local tragedy was seen by the networks as meriting the levels of coverage heaped upon it, imagine what kind of wall-to-wall devotion will be accorded any authentically intriguing homicides that may arise over the next few months? This summer could easily prove a murder-packed crime fest on cable news!

AP photo of Penobscot County Sheriff Glenn Ross finding himself at a major full-coverage press conference in Bangor, Maine—guess they don’t hold press conferences in Orono.

AP photo of Penobscot County Sheriff Glenn Ross finding himself at a major full-coverage press conference in Bangor, Maine—guess they don’t hold press conferences in Orono.

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It’s the Great Terrorist, Charlie Brown!

If you were a DNC strategist charged with pulling the spotlight away from All the President’s Mensheviks, what would you come up with? We thought about it and decided we’d come up with a way to persuade John McCain to involve himself in a high-profile junket to the Middle East, peddled to the press as a super secret mission to Syria—maybe even a “secret” meeting with Syrian rebels, secret meaning in this instance a video-taped event released immediately to the media. This would be simple to accomplish—one would only require to have a few doyens of the inside-the-beltway media convince McCain that they loved him again, and tell him what a coups he would score evincing such bravado juxtaposed to Obama’s limp-wristed response to the crisis. What crisis?

That’s right, McCain failed to notice that those few and flimsy signs of indignation visible after Obama ducked out on his original pledge to take action if the Assad regime used chemical weapons against its own people—which it then proceeded to do–had been shunted aside by subsequent events and the ever-protective news media, so his surprise visit performed the main function of providing…distraction!  …Just Charlie Brown taking another run at the football with Obama’s media playing Lucy.

Charlie Brown

But if we were advising the Left on how to take even greater advantage of McCain’s visit, even turning it inside out so as to play McCain for a fool and lend credence to the President’s inaction, what else would we do? Why, of course; we would wait for him to get over there and publicize a few of his “secret” meetings and then we would leak to the press that the big dope was meeting with notorious kidnappers from the terrorist Northern Storm movement—men who had only recently kidnapped and slaughtered a busload of innocent Shi’ite pilgrims.  NOW we have a really first class distraction—Charlie Brown gets the football jerked away from him and then Lucy kicks him in the butt! Film at eleven, as they used to say. And McCain’s denial that he met or was photographed with terrorist honcho Mohammad Nour consisted of insisting that none of the people with whom he posed for photos had “identified themselves as Mohammed Nour,” which is one of those gob-smacking idiotisms for which the McCain camp is justly famous. To be fair, McCain spokesman Brian Rogers ultimately composed a perfectly reasonable response to the effect that, “a number of the Syrians who greeted Senator McCain upon his arrival in Syria asked to take pictures with him, and as always, the senator complied. If the individual photographed with Senator McCain is in fact Mohammad Nour, that is regrettable.”  A nicely argued point, to be sure, but a point lost in the distractive howlings of  the ostensibly indignant, since by that time the Shi’ite had hit the fan.

John McCain making new friends among the grass roots.

John McCain making new friends –some of whom may be “regrettable.” 

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Of asteroids and lizards on Mars

The headline at Yahoo News reads: “Look now! An asteroid is about to hurl near earth!” This confirms WOOF’s longstanding suspicion that chimps write the headlines at Yahoo—and of course the asteroid is not going to hurl—Yahoo appears to have been attempting to say “hurdle.” Anyway, by the time you read this, earth will have weathered any threat of destruction posed by Asteroid 1998QE2—but for days it has been big news even though it is universally agreed that it is not going to hit us. The 1.7 mile wide space rock is scheduled to pass by Earth Friday afternoon, May 31, buzzing our rooftops at a mere 3.6 million miles of distance, and this is as close as it gets for the next 200 years–

QE2 whizzes by Earth--hope it doesn't hurl!

QE2 whizzes by Earth–hope it doesn’t hurl!

So– why all the ranting in the press? Distraction—from outer space!  This is why you have been watching televised reports about the species-terminating cataclysm that would result from impact—reminding us that not only Asteroid 1998QE2 but indeed any asteroid wider than 0.6 miles, could wipe out human civilization if it hit us. Being missed by asteroids appears equally newsworthy these days, however, thus you may also have read or viewed “background” reports that the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs was about 6 miles wide, but hey, that was a while ago, wasn’t it? And the whole asteroid theory of dinosaur extinction is only about two and a half decades old, replacing, as it did, the volcanic eruption theory that alternated for a while in popularity with the super-nova- out-in-space-somewhere-cosmic-rays theory. And does anyone ever give poor Immanuel Velikovsky any credit now that the impact theory is in vogue? Nope. Not even a card at Christmas—but we digress….the really dull and dry truth is that 1998 QE2 won’t even do anything as it passes us—no light show, no fiery glow—and perhaps dullest of all, it isn’t even named after Queen Elizabeth, its designation deriving from the alphanumeric scheme that documents when asteroids are discovered.  Boring, but in the news!

"Uh-oh!" Few people realize that the dinosaurs were not made extinct by an asteroids until sometime around the mid-1980s!

“Uh-oh!” Few people realize that the dinosaurs were not made extinct by an asteroid until sometime around the mid-1980s!

Less boring but equally distracting has been the coverage allotted lizards on Mars. A “science” blogger in Japan who shall remain nameless–precisely because he chose to remain nameless–posted claims to the effect that detailed scrutiny of NASA Rover photos from the Martian planetary service had revealed a lizard crawling about, and to back up this claim he helpfully posted a photo of said lizard, included here for your perusal. Now, beloved readers, we maintain here at WOOF a Science & the Paranormal Directorate that monitors news of anomalous, paranormal, and UFO-related phenomena, and we can solemnly assure you that this anonymous blogger’s lizard discovery is hardly on a par with some of the bizarre stuff that goes on around this planet, except that it happened to hit the web when distractions were desperately needed to focus the minds of Earth people on something other than an Administration in need of prosecution under the RICO act.

Martian Lizard captures tremendous media attention--NASA engaged in cover up?

Martian Lizard captures tremendous media attention–NASA engaged in cover up?

The San Francisco Chronicle became so overwrought about the Mars picture that it assigned analysts to investigate. In due course the analysts returned the datum that the lizard, as it appears in the actual NASA photo, is just a rock and does not appear to possess legs and a tail except in the version posted by the anonymous Japanese blogger. Perhaps the ultra-liberal Chronicle, which has not, to date, officially noticed anything askew in the Obama Administration, will proceed to investigate NASA to learn why it is doctoring its pictures of Martian lizards to look like rocks.

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Tornadoes, global warming, and presidential shout-outs

The weather has been cruel in recent weeks, and weather is certainly a valid reportorial concern, especially when violent, destructive, and deadly. But the actual disasters of May seemed somehow insufficient to satisfy the media’s appetite for the subject, and so greater distractions were displayed in the form of scientific prophecies from various forecasters. If any of the predictions rushed into print by eager journalists called for relative calm and surcease, WOOF missed the stories.

The Boston Globe, also studiedly unconcerned with Administration scandals, is on the story when in comes to global warming, and recently devoted headlines to major storms and droughts that haven’t happened yet…in fact the Globe reports that that the citizens of Earth should “prepare for an unprecedented onslaught of deadly and costly weather disasters,” and cites the recent report by an international team of Nobel-Prize-winning climate scientists as evidence. The scientists, uniformly pessimistic, offered prognostications the Globe considered reliable enough to treat as news. And as if any further proof were required that Dick Cheney’s secret Halliburton weather machine is partially to blame for such matters, the report concludes that the most affected countries will be poor undeveloped ones, although it hastens to aver that all regions of the planet remain imperiled.

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Secret weather machine? Rumors have long circulated that Halliburton possesses weather-changing technology under the nefarious command of Dick Cheney!

Other news outlets enthusiastically recycled the predictions of meteorologist Jeff Masters who received his Ph.D. in “air pollution meteorology” from the University of Michigan.  Masters’s claim to fame is that he predicted a hurricane would hit New York—and of course, one did. Contrary to what we are led to believe by Global Warmists, the New York storm was not an historic first. New York has been hit by 14 major (deadly) hurricanes since they started counting in the 1800s. The New England Hurricane of 1938 killed more New Yorkers than Sandy did, and several other storms were near rivals.

Jeff Masters, meteorology's prophet of doom.

Jeff Masters, meteorology’s prophet of doom.

So  predicting a hurricane in New York did not require Delphic powers—but Masters founded a meteorological group called “The Weather Underground”—a coy meteorological tip of the topper to the killer clowns of the radical ‘60s–and predicted innumerable additional disasters, allowing himself a thirty year cushion for their occurrence, albeit, which obviously means he can confidently anticipate the eventual manifestation of something resembling substantiation of each prediction as judged by himself, should the Lord see fit to preserve him through the coming maelstroms. The media were not waiting for confirmation however; they splashed Dr. Masters’s predictions all over the news, as if the horrors visited upon Oklahoma might prove insufficiently riveting to retain the attention of the public.

The scientific prediction of weather has never fully established itself as a predictive instrument.

The prediction of weather has never fully established itself as a reliable science.

The President seemed similarly concerned, and sought to allude to the disasters in Oklahoma during his hug fest with Governor Chris Christie on the Jersey Shore. During his speech Our Beloved Helmsman informed the crowd that he wanted to give a shout out to the Tornado ravaged city of Monroe, Oklahoma, and pledged that they could “count on the fact that they won’t be alone.” But as comforting as the citizens of Monroe presumably found this news, they were untouched by any tornadoes and located a comfy 200 miles from the wreckage in Moore, Oklahoma where the tornado actually struck, killing 24 people. President Obama had just come from surveying the damage in Moore, but oh well.

The president tours the soon to be forgotten city of Moore, Oklahoma

The president exhibits telltale signs of disorientation as he tours the soon to be forgotten city of Moore, Oklahoma

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And then there’s the possibility that nobody cares!

What ever happened to Baghdad Bob? Why is he denied credit for pioneering contemporary American journalistic stnadards.

What ever happened to Baghdad Bob? Why is he denied credit for pioneering contemporary American journalistic standards?

A thousand additional examples of the media campaign to distract us with a wand while the free hand hides the coin could be recited paragraph upon paragraph, but WOOF is merciful. We cannot, however, close this review without mentioning a brand new tactic appearing in the last few days, and this in the form of meeting the scandals head on, giving them complete recognition, and then shelving them as un-newsworthy, which conclusion is said to derive, as is often the case nowadays, from poll findings, causing it to appear both scientific and curiously disassociated from the reporters who “report” it with such conspicuous approval. This is a variety of reportage never before seen in America—a country in which political scandal has always provoked a feeding frenzy of journalists, even when it was their party in the wringer. No more! The “journalists” of contemporary Obamaland have hit upon the notion that scandal is, well, simply uninteresting, should it be in any way associated with Our Beloved Helmsman. Consider these examples:

There’s a new Quinnipiac poll that purports to have discovered that most Americans think the IRS scandal is more important than the Benghazi scandal—but here’s the big reveal: Most Americans think the economy is more important than any Obama scandal. Now, one might have predicted this finding without fielding the resources of Quinnipiac, mightn’t one?  It seems only obvious that people in general are most upsetdepression by high taxes, low employment, shrinking dollars and the “new normal” recession that never ends than they are by butcheries in distant lands or the IRS’s hi-jinks. The concern about the economy is the necessary result of the damages Obama’s leadership (or any socialist leadership) predictably imposes on citizens. And economic woes of one degree or another continue to affect most Americans—even our liberal friends and neighbors who still think “W” did this to them—This hardly suggests that people aren’t concerned about the other less immediately punitive crises. Indeed, the same poll revealed that three-quarters of Americans now believe a special prosecutor should be appointed to investigate the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, and this includes 63% of Democrats. Nevertheless, a superficial interpretation of the poll’s findings caused broadcasters at CNN, MSNBC, and various other localities around the dial to begin cheerfully assuring one another that Dear Leader would be just fine after all because nobody thought his abuses of power were as interesting as losing their homes, jobs or savings.

Next came a CNN poll showing Republicans losing favor, Democrats gaining favor, and President Obama enjoying a surge in popularity, all of which was promptly attributed to how much Americans despise hearing our young president’s reputation sullied by mud-slinging Neanderthals on the Right!

Donny Deutsche, the advertising executive whom liberal news media have repeatedly attempted to transform into a political commentator, appeared on the TODAY program to offer his view of the situation. Donny rambled on with signature incoherence, finally telling Matt Lauer “after a while we get a little bored and turned off.” Donny ought to know, his last CNN show, “Get to the Point,” was cancelled after one week on the air.

Donny's former CNN program--now you see it, now you don't!

Donny Deutsche’s former CNN program–now you see it, now you don’t!  “After a while we get a little bored and turned off.”

Even Lauer remonstrated with Deutsche that the scandals were “serious problems,” but American indifference to Obama’s miscreant presidency was by then the accepted template in the Liberal Establishment Media. The Daily KOS (like, what is with that KOS deal, are they from Kosovo?) explained that, “The American people just don’t think that it’s the worst scandal since Watergate that Obama called the Benghazi consulate attack an ‘act of terror’ as opposed to a  ‘terrorist attack.’” Well, WOOF would like to agree with our ultra-left wing friends from Kosovo. In fact we don’t know anybody who considers what Obama said or didn’t say about the attack to constitute the worst scandal since Watergate. It was the part where the president shot hoops or snoozed or met with “The Pimp with a Limp,” while the Secretary of State sat on her not-insubstantial fundament in the situation room at the White House and declined repeatedly to allow rescue forces to enter the field while four Americans died in an eight-hour battle with Al Qaeda—you know, that part? That’s the part that sort of worries us—along with lying about it for weeks—but hey, people say we’re extremists so perhaps we’re overreacting.

Ambassador Stevens relinquishing his post after 8-hour gun battle wit Al Qaeda.

Ambassador Stevens relinquishing his post after 8-hour gun battle with Al Qaeda.

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What dreams may come!

images surf

One thing’s for sure, Gentle Readers, it will be an especially interesting summer as the Liberal Establishment scrambles to find small fascinations with which to divert us from the president’s predicaments…glittery bijous proffered for the masses….divertissements of every nature, novelties for every taste; prepare to be regaled, gentle readers, with tales of treachery, tragedy, villainy, and tomfoolery, all to wean you from our national reality while you let the lazy estival months slip by.

freaks and odditiesHey—did you know that guy—Adam Levine—that guy on NBC’s The Voice—got caught on a hot mic saying, “I hate this country”? Maybe you had no idea there was such a person or such a program, (we had no idea either), but from the coverage you might reasonably suppose that Levine bombed Pearl Harbor. And hey, check out MSNBC’s website—do you know there are political problems in Turkey? Did you know that an asteroid nearly hit us? (Oh yeah, we mentioned that–well, it’s still front page at MSNBC), and never mind the lizards of mars—you can now click on a video tape of a mermaid—see what you think! And by the way, 1 percent of Americans hold 39 percent of our wealth— speaking of whom, Miley Cyrus is currently engaged again to some Australian actor to whom she was also formerly engaged but briefly disengaged from, unless she is no longer engaged again by the time you read this. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, whoever they are, are currently apart, and Kanye West whom we know only because of his drunken insistence that “Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time,” is dating a Cardassian—and we didn’t even think they actually existed! And while we’re discussing space aliens, the latest word from film critics is that Will Smith’s new movie “After Earth” may be the worst movie ever made. Wow! You know, we might actually go to see that!

female cardassian

A female Cardassian–not necessarily the one who caught Kanye’s eye.