The TIMES they are a-changin’?
Was it a sign of the apocalypse, a genuine shift in editorial policy, or just what Rush Limbaugh likes to call “a random act of journalism?” Or maybe there’s something atavistically stimulating about the anniversary date of June 6th that brings out the Americanism in people—even those unregenerate fellow travelers at the subversive New York Times. But for whatever reason, the “Grey Lady” roused herself from that stuporous apathy which safeguarded her from the slightest twinge of journalistic curiosity through the Fast-and-Furious scandal, the Benghazi betrayal, the secret criminal initiatives undertaken against the Associated Press and Fox News, the weaponizing of the IRS, and Eric Holder’s and Lois Lerner’s clandestine war against the Tea Party.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the Times bestirred itself to declare the clandestine monitoring and storing of the average American’s most intimate telephonic and cyberspacial communications a “massive overreach” by the administration, boldly opining that Obama had “now lost all credibility,” a judgment that was subsequently modified (as colder feet seemingly prevailed) to read, “now lost all credibility on this issue [mocking italics WOOF’s].” But the Times held fast to its original view that “To casually permit this surveillance — with the American public having no idea that the executive branch is now exercising this power — fundamentally shifts power between the individual and the state, and repudiates constitutional principles governing search, seizure and privacy.”
The Times didn’t stop there, either—it named Obama as culpable and insisted that he had every intention of keeping his malefactions a state secret—wow! If you are the Obama Administration (you’re not, are you?) this had to freak you out of your socks. Everyone knows that the New York Times never criticizes Obama—never! And yet all of a sudden, America’s “paper of record” thrusts its bloody blade into the back of the entire socialist-totalitarian conspiracy! And even more terrifying must be the probable ripple effect in the other lap-poodle media. It is not widely understood, nor, of course, ever mentioned by the news media, that almost no one at any of the original TV news operations has any clue how to gather or prioritize news stories. Nada. From the early ‘60s onward it has been a gentleman’s secret at the “major networks” that their news producers simply thumb through the New York Times and report the same stuff the same way. This always worked fine from a liberal point of view, but suddenly, without warning, it seemed likely that ABC, NBC, CBS, and possibly PBS would be inclined by habit and dependency to parrot the Times’s expose of the president’s lost credibility and shameful skullduggeries. And this could not be permitted to happen! (Egad!)
What would the Bubba do?
The problem didn’t really require a great deal of fixing. It must have been completely obvious to Obama’s mob lieutenants from the beginning that at the slightest excuse to distract itself from hard news stories, the Liberal Media would ignore every scandal currently engulfing the White House and joyfully refocus on anything else even plausibly attention-worthy. The only remaining question was, what sort of “anything else” was available? Well…remember when Bill Clinton discovered that Monica Lewinsky had his –umm—DNA preserved on her dress? And, oops, that meant that he had to quit dismissing her as a psycho-bimbo stalker from Hell and admit instead that he had, after all, had sex with her a time or ten, come to think of it. (Remember him biting his lip?) And to get everyone’s mind off this inconvenient fact, and possibly escape impeachment, President Clinton first tried blowing up an aspirin factory in the Sudan with a couple of one-million dollar cruise missiles. This, he told Americans, was a near fatal blow dealt terrorism in the Middle East which is especially amusing in hindsight since the Sudanese thereupon offered him Osama Bin Laden–at that time their prisoner, and Bubba said no thanks)—but the truth leaked out about the darn aspirin factory and it became the stuff of spoofs and late night comedy. Chagrined, President Clinton did some soul searching and decided that America needed to bomb the be-jabbers out of Kosovo in Eastern Europe in order to stamp out evil, and genocide, and, you know…bad stuff.
One thing the U.S. Military does really well is bomb the be-jabbers out of places, and the spectacular light show of night bombings is always a crowd pleaser. President Clinton, although ultimately impeached, was not removed from office. By drastically inflating the number of Kosovo’s Albanians killed by state forces, Clinton made Yugoslav President Slobodan Milošević look like a world-class genocidal maniac, (whereas he was strictly bush league), so the media joyfully turned their attentions to Clinton’s visually appealing bombardments, which probably killed around 5,000 innocent civilians. But Milosevic (rather sensibly) surrendered to NATO, otherwise known as the good guys, and was tried for crimes against humanity by the United Nations. The trial was held at the Hague, of course, and being a UN-sponsored event it naturally dragged on for years ending only when Milošević rather unsportingly died of a heart attack and everybody had to go home. . .
Son of “Wag the Dog”
You might think, at first glance, that the Obama administration merely asked itself what the stupidest possible foreign policy move would be at this moment in history, on the assumption that towering ineptitude would sufficiently astonish and fixate the media to distract one and all from the flurry of the ever-emerging domestic scandals; but give them more credit than that. What they actually asked themselves was, what did Clinton do to escape the wrath of the people and the glare of the spotlight when the Lewinsky business blew up in his face? And the answer was obvious—he wagged the dog! You see, war is always okay with Liberals when they wage it. Where do you think Cindy Sheehan went when the Bamster took office? What happened to Code Pink? Where are the parading college students carrying coffins and wearing war casualty make-up protesting the ongoing wars in the Middle East? Where are those casualty figures dolefully recited by media sermonizers? Vanished into the mist! Polls indicate that most Americans believe we have left Iraq and finished up in Afghanistan, thus these ongoing conflicts are unknown to the Nations’s legions of low information voters.
Besides, all American casualties magically became “NATO casualties” the moment the Bushes were booed out of the West Wing. Our gentle readers may recall the film, Wag the Dog, which rose to popularity during the Clinton Administration’s sideshow in the Balkans, largely because its plot seemed to presage Clinton’s sudden obsession with military glory. In the film, a fictional president gets caught with an underage girl and fabricates a totally fictitious “war” with Albania to distract public opinion. The war in the film is staged by Hollywood producers and the patriotic fervor it bestirs in the unwitting American public leads to the president’s re-election despite his sexploits—a plot that narrowly predated Clinton’s Lewinsky/Bosnia venture and seemed eerily predictive of it. But, as the Clintonistas realized, fake wars are not as impressive as real ones, so the cleansing of Yugoslavia of, well, cleansers, was undertaken…with a bang and a boom, as it were. And thus was created a template for future Leftist presidents to employ when scandals threatened their sinistral designs!
The road to Damascus!
WOOF readers are aware that John McCain flew to Syria on a highly publicized “secret mission” and met with rebel forces—some of whom turned out to be kidnappers, racists, and murderers, but failed to tell the Senator’s advance team in time to have their photo-ops cancelled. Senator McCain (R-AZ) returned to the Capital saying what he was already saying before he left–namely that the United States should take decisive action to oust Bashar Al Assad, Syria’s psychotic-yet-oddly-banal dictator, famous for his peculiarly tiny head, fat neckties, and profoundly hot wife.
Lindsey Graham, (R-S.C), who never misses a chance to assert something boneheaded, seconded McCain’s sentiments, telling CBS news that, “The President’s red line has been crossed. U.S. credibility is on the line. Now is not the time to merely take the next incremental step. Now is the time for more decisive actions.” And then, as the Supremes might say, it happened! After continuously ducking the obvious fact that Assad used chemical weapons against his rebellious citizenry as much as six months earlier, Obama’s administration suddenly discovered, to their shock and amazement, only last week, that Assad used chemical weapons against his rebellious citizenry! An outraged President Obama declared that the United States would swing into action on the side of rebel forces., thus allying ourselves with Al Qaeda (just as we did in Libya during Hillary Clinton’s tenure as the most dramatically incompetent Secretary of State in American history), and plunge ourselves into an impossibly complex war zone teeming with contending interests and military forces, all of them rotten. True, by precipitately plunging American forces into the fray, Dear Leader could easily cause World War III, maybe even Armageddon, but the Bamster has never been one to let potential devastation, whether economic, literal, or Biblical, distract him from his immediate self interest.
The BLEAK PICTURE!
America is now committing herself to a third middle eastern war, the other two having gone so swimmingly. What does this deployment look like so far? Well first it becomes apparent that Secretary of State John Kerry, who opposed intervention in Syria before he was for it, and who praised Bashar Assad as a statesman and a visionary before, more recently, denouncing him as depraved lunatic, was bringing his several weeks of combat experience in Vietnam to the table, whereas Obama’s newly hand-picked Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, whose most significant traits are his snarky antisemitism and his rug-level IQ, will form the driving brain trust of the expeditionary force—together with whatever posterior-osculating military poltroons parade their stars and braids and scrambled eggs into the Beloved Helmsman’s war room to cluster officiously around their Supreme and Infallible Strategist the better to offer their politically correct assessments while trying all the while to sound more like SLA Marshall than Admiral Wrongway Peachfuzz—you know who we mean. Those politcolonels and General embarrassments who have, with a few blessed exceptions, gotten where they are by fawning over the perfect creases of the Bamster’s pants. Regarding this, WOOF would just like to pause a moment and ask once again: “Who promoted Peress?” And for that matter, who imagined that Wesley Clark should receive a fourth star, let alone a first one? And when Nadal Mallik Hassan shot down 45 of his fellow soldiers, both men and women, in cold blood at Fort Hood while shouting the praises of Allah, and Chief of Staff General George W. Casey rushed out to assure everyone that the real problem was that Hassan’s killing spree might cause a backlash against “some of our Muslim soldiers” which would be just terrible because, “as horrific as this tragedy was, if our diversity becomes a casualty, I think that’s worse.” …why wasn’t he immediately transferred to Antarctica for penguin outreach? Anyhow, you get WOOF’s drift here, right? Things keep going down hill, and everybody’s afraid to notice it! (Except us, of course!)
The US military is deploying 20,000 additional soldiers to Jordan in case they are needed for an invasion of Syria, which of course they aren’t, while 200 troops from the 1st Armored Division will establish a headquarters near Jordan’s border with Syria, just in case Obama decides intervention is necessary, and we still happen to have some tanks left that he didn’t give away to the Muslim Brotherhood. The Los Angeles Times, never previously known to monger war, or anything else to the right of unicorns and rainbow sprites, breathlessly added that American military spokesmen “explicitly described [the movement of forces] as a possible step toward direct military involvement in Syria,” The Pentagon has reported that plans exist to expand the force to 20,000 or more if necessary, including bringing in special operations teams to find and secure Syrian chemical weapons stockpiles, plus US air defense units now being flown into Jordan’s airspace, and conventional military units capable of moving into Syria if necessary.”
But wait, there’s still more!
The magnificently imposing USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, one of America’s 11 main battle carriers (CVNs) has evidently overcome the crippling constraints of dread sequestration and is now off the Syrian coast where she joins 17 American destroyers as well as several frigates and guided missile cruisers. The Eisenhower herself contains eight fighter bomber squadrons and 8,000 personnel, plus a substantial compliment of combat-ready Marines.
And what about the United States Air Force? We can’t have a good distraction this summer without them, too, right? Well, if there is one thing that really scares us here at WOOF, it is Senator Lindsey Graham’s inexhaustible capacity for ideas. When he and John McCain have the same idea simultaneously it spells double trouble for everyone, witness the current immigration disaster they are jointly huckstering! But lest we digress….the latest military brainstorm from Lindsey entails the pressing need for American air superiority in a part of the world that, the truth be told, holds not an iota of national interest for us at the moment. But now that Our Dear Leader has decided to throw in with the psychopathic rebel contingent and eliminate the regime of Bashar Al-Assad by throwing the full might of the United States behind Al- Qaeda, Lindsey and John want to see the imposition of a “no-fly’’zone over Syria to eliminate Assad’s air advantage. Last weekend, Graham said on NBC’s Meet the Press, “I think you can neutralize the air power by cratering the runways with cruise missiles and you can set up a no-fly zone by having aircraft and Patriot missile batteries operating out of Turkey and Jordan to neutralize the air power.” Or at least that’s probably how it looked when Lindsey set it all up on his card table at home, he being old enough to think that Patriot missiles hit airplanes–they used to. The PAC-3 Patriot is a complete system redesign, intended exclusively to destroy tactical ballistic missiles. But we digress.
Wake us when the revolution’s over!
Now look, if America’s strategic interests were currently salvageable in this region, or even descry-able, all this would be fine and dandy, but the fact is, that the small envelope of time during which Assad could have been toppled and an effective government installed in Syria is long past. Hillary (“Her Magnificence”) Clinton and Obama ignored it, and the Iranian “green revolution” too, while they were busy turning Egypt and Libya into Anti-American, anti-Semitic terror states, and ignoring the 8-hour battle that killed their own ambassador, two SEALS and a state department official in Benghazi. That bird has flown. Here’s the line up now: we have American aircraft being positioned in Turkey, and by permission in Jordan, where Patriot Missile cites are also being established….to shoot down enemy missiles, got that Lindsey Graham?
We certainly won’t be lonely. Although Benjamin Netanyahu has displayed a killjoy’s commitment to common sense and sound judgment throughout this imbroglio, issuing public statements to the effect that Israel’s Defense Forces will not take up arms on behalf of either side, unless its own interests are affected, almost everybody else wants to play in Syria. Syria has an excellent air force courtesy of the Soviets, excuse us, the Russians, and the Russians themselves maintain strong air assets in striking distance of anywhere in the country. Russian naval power is also obsessively clustered around Syria, and her first aircraft carrier is said to be en route. Well founded rumor has also reached WOOF’s vigilantly-perked ears that 900 Russian Marines have deployed to Syria, ostensibly to protect Russian interests, which in reality means shooting at us.
John Kerry (who was in Vietnam, before he was against it) took to a podium in Germany this weekend to sternly warn the Russians that they should not send new S-300 missiles to Syria because this might “prolong the country’s civil war, imperil attempts to form a transitional government through negotiation and hurt Israel’s strategic interests.” That’s telling them, John. Obviously Vladimir Putin never counts the day wasted if he can prolong the struggle, backstab any effort at transitional government, and bollix Israel’s interests, not to mention play Obama like a balalaika– but John Kerry is the only thing worse than a fatuous dunderhead, he is a stentorian one, which makes his maunderings unbearable in every nation he subjects to them, and this is very much true in Russia. In fact, we bet the Kremlin thinks he’s as funny as WOOF does. Worse, German Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle (who may also be a fatuous dunderhead, although WOOF lacks sufficient data to assert as much) made similar remarks and indicated that Germany might view further interference from Russia as provocative. Russians, however, are not afraid of Germans. They just really hate them.
During a TV interview with French Channel 2 on Tuesday, French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius threatened that all options including military intervention are on the table. At home, Boy Propagandist Jay Carney found himself “concerned deeply” (and for the first time on record) “about the continued fighting in Qusayr,” (you can substitute Bosnia here, if you want to observe the original Bubba template in action). Carney added that the” situation has led to a dire situation, with severe shortages of food, water and medicine.” Yeah, war does that. Meanwhile, France and the UK say the Syrian government has used chemical weapons against militants, a claim Damascus has rejected as “lies,” which means, obviously, that its true.
According to the French minister, samples taken from Syria and tested in France “prove the presence of sarin.” But everyone’s known that for a while now, really, which makes Obama’s suddenly manifested indignation seem all the more ludicrous. Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan (whose name has somehow never been changed in any way by the AP at any time during his tenure) insisted Iran is the only country that could help Bashar Al Assad survive the massive protests geared to topple his regime. Why do they care? Well, see, Damascus lays claim to the historical Antioch region of the Euphrates River valley, but so do the Turks. So, by the way, do the Iranians. So Turkey has flipped and adapted a Bashar-must-go policy while the Iranians, who at top levels are famously if often illogically intransigent, remain steadfastly pro-Bashar, which fact Iran recently emphasized by sending four-thousand good-will ambassadors in the form of its murderous Revolutionary Guard to the region. But this get’s better!
What if they gave a war and EVERYBODY came?
We may derive some cheer from knowing that the vilest bottom crawler in the entire region, President Morsi (whose name is occasionally changed by the AP to Mursi but now appears to have reestablished itself as Morsi) has sided against the vile and corrupt Assad administration! Huzzah, right? Of course Egypt is backing the same people we are now allied with, because we handed Egypt over to Al-Qaeda’s forces back when Mrs. Clinton decided that our time-honored ally President Mubarak was the worst person on earth and had to go, remember? This led the way to “Arab Spring” which turned out to be a pan-regional nightmare and collapsed in a bloody seizure of power by Egypt’s Islamic Brotherhood, led by Morsi, the artist formerly known as Mursi, formerly of Hamas, now known as the Egyptian government. So having realized that Morsi was a slathering, insensate terrorist who raved incessantly about annihilating Israel, ( whose citizens he considers apes) Obama presented him with 400 Abrams main battle tanks and a squadron of F-16 fighters.
Morsi figures this all went so well, he would like to see the same thing happen in Syria, and who can blame him? So he, Morsi, is now on the side of Al-Qaeda, NATO, and us—otherwise known as the good guys. And speaking of whom, did you realize that Hamas, the ‘terrorist elite’ of Gaza, has dumped poor Bashar Al-Assad (and his very hot wife) and abandoned any ties to Damascus and now supports the Gulf Arabs’ desire to crush Assad? Syrian government forces claim that Hamas has even trained Syrian rebels in the manufacture and use of home-made rockets, which is how the Syrian government sounds when it isn’t making stuff up. Jordan meanwhile is requesting additional American troops, planes, and Patriot missiles, because it is understandably terrified, leaving Israel as the only rational principality in the neighborhood, and, of course, everyone else wants them to disappear. Well, except Jordan–and the King of Jordan has a a hot wife too, and she’s even American, so maybe he deserves some more Patriot missiles.
And then there’s the dragon’s breath from far Cathay!
That’s right, gentle readers, we would be remiss to pretermit the Chinese from this analysis! The Chinese? Yes, dear readers, the Chinese, by whom Syria is considered a trading hub in which China has immersed an extraordinary amount of investment. WOOF KNOWS that China is also one of the sources that arms and manipulates Hamas and Hezbollah as surrogate Katzenjammer kids in this cauldron of crisis and shifting opportunities. Why–? Look, some people are just inscrutable!
So why is Obama there at all, sticking our Country’s nose into the biggest light socket anywhere on the planet currently, making false friends out of authentic enemies, while genuinely alienating old friends, and allying himself with the lowest of the low? What purpose does any of this serve? Well, for the naive view, lets turn to the those dear hearts, John McCain and Lindsey Graham. “It’s disgraceful….the United States sitting by and watching this happen,” said John, meaning that he was prepared to make as much sense on this issue as he has in his ongoing crusade to permanently screw up immigration. Lindsey Graham, the Pillsbury-dough RINO, added on Meet the Press that he just doesn’t see why the Iranians should take our objections to their nuclear program seriously unless we stand up to Syria. Really, Lindsey? But the Iranians aren’t going to take us more seriously just because we do a cannonball dive into a snake pit for the broadcasting pleasure of Al Jazeera.
No, somebody should tell the Keebler Elf from South Carolina that Iran will take us seriously when we end their nuclear program by detonating a 100 kt warhead over their largest nuclear research facility. And not before. Got that, Lindsey? Arming and training Al-Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah just isn’t going to produce peace in our time– didn’t we learn this lesson from the mujaheddin? Nukes, truth be told, have a better diplomatic track record than multiculturalism. So, as we said at the beginning, Woofketeers, the only reason that the United States of America is currently throwing itself into this hell-broth with such preternatural zest and insouciance, is that Our Beloved Helmsman believes it will buy him some time away from the sprawling domestic desolation created by the malignant synergy of his Marxist class-warfare obsession in tandem with his sophomoric determination to promote kitschy, Castro-ite economic values, not to mention the domino effect of his anti-constitutional conspiracies becoming serially exposed. That he is risking World War Three to distract the nation from his high crimes and misdemeanors does not bother him—indeed, it may not have occurred to him, so far from reality is he removed by the twin demons of adulation and conceit. So its off to war, folks, to save Rappin’ Preezy’s second term… Let’s do it for the in-crowd shall we? Lets win one for Tina Brown, for Chris Matthews, and the girls on the VIEW, eh wot? (Always remember, Woofketeers: There is nothing more violent, nor more ineptly violent, than a peace-nik breaking bad!)
Come to think of it, in the film Wag the Dog, they actually hired a composer to write a catchy theme song for the war to get everyone feeling patriotic rather than censorious—and it worked pretty well…so WOOF hereby suggests the following adaptation of Irving Berlin’s classic“This is the Army”:
This is the tail that wags the dog!/ The bill of rights has vanished in the fog!/You once had some freedoms/but this is war/And they won’t bother you anymore! Although, for those of you who remain, as does WOOF, a bit more invested in what’s really going on in the Republic and around the planet, WOOF recommends the more enlightened strategy advanced by an old folk-blues ditty from Lead Belly’s repertoire, tossed off with the simple but inspired tactical sapience of a veritable delta-style Sun-Tzu; to wit:
“If’n your house catches fire, and thar ain’t no water ’round– Jus’ crawl out th’ window, an’ let the dawg-gone place burn down!” (“Come a ki-yi-yippy-come-a-ki-yi-yippy-yippy-ay!”) Are ya listenin’ out there, Rappin’ Preezy? There is still time, brother! “Yippy-ay!”