Summer distractions are going to be bigger and better than ever this year, and we’re already off to a stellar beginning thanks to the Liberal News Media’s anxiety-ridden search for anything Americans can be made to pay attention to other than the totalitarian takeover of our body politic by the most ruthless, mendacious and ego-maniacal President in our nation’s history and his merry band of Marxist functionaries whose mission is to subvert the constitution by any means at their disposal whilst our Beloved Leader scratches his head, and pretends utter bewilderment that such chicanery is afoot. Take the former IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman, whose tireless efforts to keep the president entirely ignorant of his agency’s metamorphosis into a voter-suppression syndicate and a vile utensil of Leftist coercion and harassment spreading terror among Tea Party groups as well as Christian and Jewish organizations, clearly required an abundance of bureaucratic deceptiveness. No other world leader in history, with the possible exception of King John, has ever been so doggedly attended by his tax collector…and one can only shudder in consideration of what fiendish dissembling may have deluded our young president into presuming all to be well throughout his realm! In fact, we now learn, Mr. Shulman visited the White House 157 times, which is considerably more than any adviser or cabinet member on the Presidential staff! Obviously keeping the President in the dark about the nefarious exploits of the Internal Revenue Service is a labor-intensive commitment! Well, nobody can fault Mr. Shulman’s dedication, even as we at WOOF persist in marveling at his resemblance to the human constituent of “Wallace and Gromit.”
But summer turns our thoughts—to the extent that the televised and printed media still possess the power to steer them into summery latitudes—to less complex and detail-ridden matters—such as murder! Not to be insensitive or anything, but everybody loves a good murder and the all-news cable channels are always happy to inflate tales of treachery, tawdriness and homicide into national fixations, the better to advance their ratings. That’s okay—that’s free enterprise, although WOOF privately suspects that plenty of important and culturally vicissitudinous murders happen around us fairly often and never elicit a mumble from the Fourth Estate; but we are, admittedly, considered paranoid by many experts. That said, the only murders that seem to make national headlines are the kind with sex and blondes in them, with allowances made for the occasional comely brunette. But until recently these exploitative spasms occurred in a catch-as-catch-can fashion, coming along when they came along. This week, however, the standards of intrigue have been lowered, somewhat, because like we said earlier, the media are desperately seeking distractions, and anything is better than nothing in the crimes-of-passion department, or it so it lately seems.
Case in point: Somewhere in the wilds of Orono, Maine, a guy fell in love with his pretty teenage neighbor, but she spurned his advances. Undaunted, the young man decided to set up a phony Facebook account, use it to befriend the girl and entice her out of her home, stage her kidnapping, hide her in the woods, and then go back and pretend to find her, thus rescuing her (from himself, get it?) and becoming her hero. Foolproof, right? And to assure himself of a broad consensus, the young man told his brother all about the plan, and told his actual girlfriend, too. He then proceeded to lure the unfortunate miss out of her home, and abduct her as planned. He cleverly wore a ski mask to avoid being recognized, and duct-taped the young lady head to toe, tossing her in the back of his pick up truck. Unfortunately, in his haste, the young man forgot that people need to breathe, and duct-taped the young lady’s mouth and nose, so that she was dead by the time he sought to retrieve her. His plan thus frustrated, the young man dumped the young lady’s body in the woods and went home.
Our gentle readers will not be surprised to learn that the young man was subsequently apprehended—recently enough, in fact, that his alleged crimes must be deemed alleged (even though he obviously committed them). But what was surprising is the amount of media attention this story received over the next several days, including the so called “major networks,” which treated this grim incident as though it were the crime of the century—and why? Well, not because it was a slow news week! No, because nowadays a hot news week is when the distractions must be trotted out, because the more time spent reporting the imbecilic actions of the accidental murderer from Orono, the less time need be devoted to the Holder debacle, the IRS debacle, the AP-emails fiasco or the Benghazi travesty. But this augurs well for followers of true crime reportage, because if this local tragedy was seen by the networks as meriting the levels of coverage heaped upon it, imagine what kind of wall-to-wall devotion will be accorded any authentically intriguing homicides that may arise over the next few months? This summer could easily prove a murder-packed crime fest on cable news!
It’s the Great Terrorist, Charlie Brown!
If you were a DNC strategist charged with pulling the spotlight away from All the President’s Mensheviks, what would you come up with? We thought about it and decided we’d come up with a way to persuade John McCain to involve himself in a high-profile junket to the Middle East, peddled to the press as a super secret mission to Syria—maybe even a “secret” meeting with Syrian rebels, secret meaning in this instance a video-taped event released immediately to the media. This would be simple to accomplish—one would only require to have a few doyens of the inside-the-beltway media convince McCain that they loved him again, and tell him what a coups he would score evincing such bravado juxtaposed to Obama’s limp-wristed response to the crisis. What crisis?
That’s right, McCain failed to notice that those few and flimsy signs of indignation visible after Obama ducked out on his original pledge to take action if the Assad regime used chemical weapons against its own people—which it then proceeded to do–had been shunted aside by subsequent events and the ever-protective news media, so his surprise visit performed the main function of providing…distraction! …Just Charlie Brown taking another run at the football with Obama’s media playing Lucy.
But if we were advising the Left on how to take even greater advantage of McCain’s visit, even turning it inside out so as to play McCain for a fool and lend credence to the President’s inaction, what else would we do? Why, of course; we would wait for him to get over there and publicize a few of his “secret” meetings and then we would leak to the press that the big dope was meeting with notorious kidnappers from the terrorist Northern Storm movement—men who had only recently kidnapped and slaughtered a busload of innocent Shi’ite pilgrims. NOW we have a really first class distraction—Charlie Brown gets the football jerked away from him and then Lucy kicks him in the butt! Film at eleven, as they used to say. And McCain’s denial that he met or was photographed with terrorist honcho Mohammad Nour consisted of insisting that none of the people with whom he posed for photos had “identified themselves as Mohammed Nour,” which is one of those gob-smacking idiotisms for which the McCain camp is justly famous. To be fair, McCain spokesman Brian Rogers ultimately composed a perfectly reasonable response to the effect that, “a number of the Syrians who greeted Senator McCain upon his arrival in Syria asked to take pictures with him, and as always, the senator complied. If the individual photographed with Senator McCain is in fact Mohammad Nour, that is regrettable.” A nicely argued point, to be sure, but a point lost in the distractive howlings of the ostensibly indignant, since by that time the Shi’ite had hit the fan.
Of asteroids and lizards on Mars
The headline at Yahoo News reads: “Look now! An asteroid is about to hurl near earth!” This confirms WOOF’s longstanding suspicion that chimps write the headlines at Yahoo—and of course the asteroid is not going to hurl—Yahoo appears to have been attempting to say “hurdle.” Anyway, by the time you read this, earth will have weathered any threat of destruction posed by Asteroid 1998QE2—but for days it has been big news even though it is universally agreed that it is not going to hit us. The 1.7 mile wide space rock is scheduled to pass by Earth Friday afternoon, May 31, buzzing our rooftops at a mere 3.6 million miles of distance, and this is as close as it gets for the next 200 years–
So– why all the ranting in the press? Distraction—from outer space! This is why you have been watching televised reports about the species-terminating cataclysm that would result from impact—reminding us that not only Asteroid 1998QE2 but indeed any asteroid wider than 0.6 miles, could wipe out human civilization if it hit us. Being missed by asteroids appears equally newsworthy these days, however, thus you may also have read or viewed “background” reports that the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs was about 6 miles wide, but hey, that was a while ago, wasn’t it? And the whole asteroid theory of dinosaur extinction is only about two and a half decades old, replacing, as it did, the volcanic eruption theory that alternated for a while in popularity with the super-nova- out-in-space-somewhere-cosmic-rays theory. And does anyone ever give poor Immanuel Velikovsky any credit now that the impact theory is in vogue? Nope. Not even a card at Christmas—but we digress….the really dull and dry truth is that 1998 QE2 won’t even do anything as it passes us—no light show, no fiery glow—and perhaps dullest of all, it isn’t even named after Queen Elizabeth, its designation deriving from the alphanumeric scheme that documents when asteroids are discovered. Boring, but in the news!
Less boring but equally distracting has been the coverage allotted lizards on Mars. A “science” blogger in Japan who shall remain nameless–precisely because he chose to remain nameless–posted claims to the effect that detailed scrutiny of NASA Rover photos from the Martian planetary service had revealed a lizard crawling about, and to back up this claim he helpfully posted a photo of said lizard, included here for your perusal. Now, beloved readers, we maintain here at WOOF a Science & the Paranormal Directorate that monitors news of anomalous, paranormal, and UFO-related phenomena, and we can solemnly assure you that this anonymous blogger’s lizard discovery is hardly on a par with some of the bizarre stuff that goes on around this planet, except that it happened to hit the web when distractions were desperately needed to focus the minds of Earth people on something other than an Administration in need of prosecution under the RICO act.
The San Francisco Chronicle became so overwrought about the Mars picture that it assigned analysts to investigate. In due course the analysts returned the datum that the lizard, as it appears in the actual NASA photo, is just a rock and does not appear to possess legs and a tail except in the version posted by the anonymous Japanese blogger. Perhaps the ultra-liberal Chronicle, which has not, to date, officially noticed anything askew in the Obama Administration, will proceed to investigate NASA to learn why it is doctoring its pictures of Martian lizards to look like rocks.
Tornadoes, global warming, and presidential shout-outs
The weather has been cruel in recent weeks, and weather is certainly a valid reportorial concern, especially when violent, destructive, and deadly. But the actual disasters of May seemed somehow insufficient to satisfy the media’s appetite for the subject, and so greater distractions were displayed in the form of scientific prophecies from various forecasters. If any of the predictions rushed into print by eager journalists called for relative calm and surcease, WOOF missed the stories.
The Boston Globe, also studiedly unconcerned with Administration scandals, is on the story when in comes to global warming, and recently devoted headlines to major storms and droughts that haven’t happened yet…in fact the Globe reports that that the citizens of Earth should “prepare for an unprecedented onslaught of deadly and costly weather disasters,” and cites the recent report by an international team of Nobel-Prize-winning climate scientists as evidence. The scientists, uniformly pessimistic, offered prognostications the Globe considered reliable enough to treat as news. And as if any further proof were required that Dick Cheney’s secret Halliburton weather machine is partially to blame for such matters, the report concludes that the most affected countries will be poor undeveloped ones, although it hastens to aver that all regions of the planet remain imperiled.
Other news outlets enthusiastically recycled the predictions of meteorologist Jeff Masters who received his Ph.D. in “air pollution meteorology” from the University of Michigan. Masters’s claim to fame is that he predicted a hurricane would hit New York—and of course, one did. Contrary to what we are led to believe by Global Warmists, the New York storm was not an historic first. New York has been hit by 14 major (deadly) hurricanes since they started counting in the 1800s. The New England Hurricane of 1938 killed more New Yorkers than Sandy did, and several other storms were near rivals.
So predicting a hurricane in New York did not require Delphic powers—but Masters founded a meteorological group called “The Weather Underground”—a coy meteorological tip of the topper to the killer clowns of the radical ‘60s–and predicted innumerable additional disasters, allowing himself a thirty year cushion for their occurrence, albeit, which obviously means he can confidently anticipate the eventual manifestation of something resembling substantiation of each prediction as judged by himself, should the Lord see fit to preserve him through the coming maelstroms. The media were not waiting for confirmation however; they splashed Dr. Masters’s predictions all over the news, as if the horrors visited upon Oklahoma might prove insufficiently riveting to retain the attention of the public.
The President seemed similarly concerned, and sought to allude to the disasters in Oklahoma during his hug fest with Governor Chris Christie on the Jersey Shore. During his speech Our Beloved Helmsman informed the crowd that he wanted to give a shout out to the Tornado ravaged city of Monroe, Oklahoma, and pledged that they could “count on the fact that they won’t be alone.” But as comforting as the citizens of Monroe presumably found this news, they were untouched by any tornadoes and located a comfy 200 miles from the wreckage in Moore, Oklahoma where the tornado actually struck, killing 24 people. President Obama had just come from surveying the damage in Moore, but oh well.
And then there’s the possibility that nobody cares!
A thousand additional examples of the media campaign to distract us with a wand while the free hand hides the coin could be recited paragraph upon paragraph, but WOOF is merciful. We cannot, however, close this review without mentioning a brand new tactic appearing in the last few days, and this in the form of meeting the scandals head on, giving them complete recognition, and then shelving them as un-newsworthy, which conclusion is said to derive, as is often the case nowadays, from poll findings, causing it to appear both scientific and curiously disassociated from the reporters who “report” it with such conspicuous approval. This is a variety of reportage never before seen in America—a country in which political scandal has always provoked a feeding frenzy of journalists, even when it was their party in the wringer. No more! The “journalists” of contemporary Obamaland have hit upon the notion that scandal is, well, simply uninteresting, should it be in any way associated with Our Beloved Helmsman. Consider these examples:
There’s a new Quinnipiac poll that purports to have discovered that most Americans think the IRS scandal is more important than the Benghazi scandal—but here’s the big reveal: Most Americans think the economy is more important than any Obama scandal. Now, one might have predicted this finding without fielding the resources of Quinnipiac, mightn’t one? It seems only obvious that people in general are most upset by high taxes, low employment, shrinking dollars and the “new normal” recession that never ends than they are by butcheries in distant lands or the IRS’s hi-jinks. The concern about the economy is the necessary result of the damages Obama’s leadership (or any socialist leadership) predictably imposes on citizens. And economic woes of one degree or another continue to affect most Americans—even our liberal friends and neighbors who still think “W” did this to them—This hardly suggests that people aren’t concerned about the other less immediately punitive crises. Indeed, the same poll revealed that three-quarters of Americans now believe a special prosecutor should be appointed to investigate the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, and this includes 63% of Democrats. Nevertheless, a superficial interpretation of the poll’s findings caused broadcasters at CNN, MSNBC, and various other localities around the dial to begin cheerfully assuring one another that Dear Leader would be just fine after all because nobody thought his abuses of power were as interesting as losing their homes, jobs or savings.
Next came a CNN poll showing Republicans losing favor, Democrats gaining favor, and President Obama enjoying a surge in popularity, all of which was promptly attributed to how much Americans despise hearing our young president’s reputation sullied by mud-slinging Neanderthals on the Right!
Donny Deutsche, the advertising executive whom liberal news media have repeatedly attempted to transform into a political commentator, appeared on the TODAY program to offer his view of the situation. Donny rambled on with signature incoherence, finally telling Matt Lauer “after a while we get a little bored and turned off.” Donny ought to know, his last CNN show, “Get to the Point,” was cancelled after one week on the air.
Even Lauer remonstrated with Deutsche that the scandals were “serious problems,” but American indifference to Obama’s miscreant presidency was by then the accepted template in the Liberal Establishment Media. The Daily KOS (like, what is with that KOS deal, are they from Kosovo?) explained that, “The American people just don’t think that it’s the worst scandal since Watergate that Obama called the Benghazi consulate attack an ‘act of terror’ as opposed to a ‘terrorist attack.’” Well, WOOF would like to agree with our ultra-left wing friends from Kosovo. In fact we don’t know anybody who considers what Obama said or didn’t say about the attack to constitute the worst scandal since Watergate. It was the part where the president shot hoops or snoozed or met with “The Pimp with a Limp,” while the Secretary of State sat on her not-insubstantial fundament in the situation room at the White House and declined repeatedly to allow rescue forces to enter the field while four Americans died in an eight-hour battle with Al Qaeda—you know, that part? That’s the part that sort of worries us—along with lying about it for weeks—but hey, people say we’re extremists so perhaps we’re overreacting.
What dreams may come!
One thing’s for sure, Gentle Readers, it will be an especially interesting summer as the Liberal Establishment scrambles to find small fascinations with which to divert us from the president’s predicaments…glittery bijous proffered for the masses….divertissements of every nature, novelties for every taste; prepare to be regaled, gentle readers, with tales of treachery, tragedy, villainy, and tomfoolery, all to wean you from our national reality while you let the lazy estival months slip by.
Hey—did you know that guy—Adam Levine—that guy on NBC’s The Voice—got caught on a hot mic saying, “I hate this country”? Maybe you had no idea there was such a person or such a program, (we had no idea either), but from the coverage you might reasonably suppose that Levine bombed Pearl Harbor. And hey, check out MSNBC’s website—do you know there are political problems in Turkey? Did you know that an asteroid nearly hit us? (Oh yeah, we mentioned that–well, it’s still front page at MSNBC), and never mind the lizards of mars—you can now click on a video tape of a mermaid—see what you think! And by the way, 1 percent of Americans hold 39 percent of our wealth— speaking of whom, Miley Cyrus is currently engaged again to some Australian actor to whom she was also formerly engaged but briefly disengaged from, unless she is no longer engaged again by the time you read this. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, whoever they are, are currently apart, and Kanye West whom we know only because of his drunken insistence that “Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time,” is dating a Cardassian—and we didn’t even think they actually existed! And while we’re discussing space aliens, the latest word from film critics is that Will Smith’s new movie “After Earth” may be the worst movie ever made. Wow! You know, we might actually go to see that!