Happy birthday to us….
It just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first rather hesitant and ill-configured web post on October 31, 2012…so when we checked back to determine this fact, we realized we were born on Halloween. This seems thoroughly ironic, given that we are the least scary and most lovably good natured website in cyberspacial history—and also because some WOOF members do not hold Halloween in particularly high esteem–but we are not the kind to let a coincidence go to waste. Perhaps you’ve noticed? So, we decided first of all to wish ourselves a happy birthday in this article.
So, happy birthday to us, your dedicated and jovial band of troglodytic counter-revolutionaries bringing you the latest thoughts, observations and paranoiac suspicions from the outer fringes of what John McCain would call the “wackabird” Right. Ensconced here in our secret cave on the shores of the fierce Atlantic, we spent our first year ducking drones and clawing our way (doggedly, as it were) out from beneath commie cyber attacks while bringing you the latest and oftentimes painful-but-also-strangely-amusing truth about “…a conspiracy so immense, an infamy so black, as to dwarf any in the history of man.” And what makes something like that amusing in any way shape or form? Well, what made all those (understandably) anonymous political cartoonists in France mock the French revolution, even in its midst? There is always something inherently hilarious about parvenus seizing power and running zanily amok, just as it seems there are always some wackabirds foolish enough to guffaw at it all when common sense dictates restraint—and we at WOOF will keep right on unabashedly scoffing until we have to defend our cave against the adversary’s final onslaught, reaching defiantly even then into our long-hidden stockpile of flintlock pistols and Bowie knives. (How conservative is that?)
So if you like laughing at the endless cavalcade of morons in media, the farcical antics of all those inside-the-beltway bezonians who govern us, and the relentlessly ventilated vulgarities of Hollywood’s homogeneously liberal but embarrassingly vacuous glitterati, then check us out during our second year! We surged during the year now passed from three or four views per day during our first week to –well—okay, a couple of hundred on our good days now, twelve months later. But mark our words, gentle readers, we will be so big by the end of 2014 (assuming the nation as a whole manages to make it that far), your kids will demand to wear WOOF-dog masks to trick or treat in—which will be kind of sad, come to think of it, because we don’t make WOOF dog masks… but we digress.
How, we asked ourselves, could we tie this first year’s anniversary into the Halloween theme, and provide substance beyond a mere recitation of our own thus-far-modest. albeit fascinating attainments? The answer occurred to us after a bit of contemplation. We resolved that our self-congratulatory birthday announcement should be succeeded by a compendium of tales of horror and subversion (to the degree that subversives tend to horrify us, and probably do you, also, since you’re still reading this—or else you’re just very excursive and open minded, for which we thank you). So what follows, dear readers, is a farrago of travesties and gaucheries supplied for your amusement by the socialist totalitarian conspiracy that governs us, and its pals. We thoughtfully and painstakingly divided these items into categories we thought redolent with the spirit of the season—and we hope you find them as scary, horrific, grotesque and macabre as we do—because the whole idea on Halloween, if we correctly understand the principle, is to be frightened, or frightening. So to begin with, let us turn our thoughts to the best McCarthyite science fiction film ever committed to celluloid, the (original) 1956 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Remember that one? Kevin McCarthy (no relation to Joe but evocative nonetheless) plays a country doctor who discovers the population of his small town is being replaced by identical-looking but emotionless alien duplicates bent on gradually taking over and collectivizing our society for the “greater good.” Tellingly, people seem to transmute into these soulless simulacra only if they fall asleep. So our hero fills his pockets with Benzedrine, grabs his girlfriend (the incredibly gorgeous though incongruously British Dana Wynter) and makes a break for it, pursued by the collectivist entities from space.
Finally, the doctor makes his way alone (because they got Dana in her sleep, darn it) into a neighboring town, but he is disheveled and appears mad. On the verge of being packed off to the loony bin by the constabulary and a consulting psychiatrist, the frantic doctor finally gets his point across thanks to fortuitously corroborative testimony from another visitor to the police station. Suddenly persuaded that the nation is indeed under attack by an enemy within, the shrink who was about to commit our hero snatches up his telephone, and shouts into it: “Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Yes, it’s an emergency!”
And so our favorite scary movie has an ending that resounds with hope—the alarm is sounded–perhaps in time! Today, unfortunately, if you called the FBI, you wouldn’t get the dedicated patriots of Hoover’s elite law-enforcement branch. No, you’d get some politically correct Islamophiliac Janissary of the Obama Nation—and if you suggested fighting communist subversion rather than infiltrating right-wing militias or eking out files on Tea Party members, you might get tossed into the same rubber room they were going to put Kevin McCarthy in. So how’s that for scary? But don’t worry about that right now—we have other snippets of the weird and bizarre to run by you!
Just to keep it kind of fair, let’s begin over on the right where we have “Creepy Uncle Sam.” Have you heard of him? He’s a recurrent figure in a series of television and web promos the basic idea of which seems to be scaring the uniformed voter, particularly in the 18-30 demographic, into recognizing Obamacare for the disaster it is. How, or even whether, this is accomplished has come under some scrutiny, however. Many left-to-center bloggers prefer to tell one another the ads will prove unpersuasive owing to their emphasis on repulsiveness, with “creepy Uncle Sam” showing up in some over-the-top scenes in which he frightens young ladies during medical exams, or spooks poor “Chad,” a millennial type who is home alone on Halloween night when “Sam” comes trick-or-treating and demands all the candy. The “Chad” ad is WOOF’s personal favorite.
Interested readers may view a sample of Creepy Uncle’s shenanigans by [clicking here!]. WOOF has viewed most of the ads and agrees for once, however briefly, with TIME, which calls the segments a “canny bit of marketing.” The character is a creation of Generation Opportunity, a conservative political action group backed by those indispensable American patriots Charles and David Koch. The ads have gone viral, as the saying goes, and will undoubtedly score a bull’s eye on the college-aged generation—especially inasmuch as each passing day proves them truer and truer. As for the notion that Uncle Sam is disrespectfully appropriated by the video makers, well, he’s seen worse abuses. He looks to us like a creepy Uncle-Samish version of that stiff, studiedly artificial monarch who paraded around in the Burger King Ads, remember him? The Generation Opportunity filmmakers have simply created a complimentary pastiche, in our opinion…but one that may serve to increase the numbers of young who reject the Affordable Health Care rip-off.
Curse of the forbidden sombrero…
Meanwhile, back at the University of Colorado at Boulder, Uncle Sam may be the only costume that does not seem to horrify Dean of Students Christian Gonzales, and that’s probably only because he didn’t think of it. “If you are planning to celebrate Halloween by dressing up in a costume,” Gonzales warned the student body, “consider the impact your costume decision may have on others in the CU community,” whereupon followed a lengthy enumeration of costume ideas that might prove offensive to the evidently fragile sensibilities of the “diverse CU community.” Even dressing up like a cowboy is ruled out (because they are a “crude stereotype”), together with Indian, geisha, and “squaw,” costumes, not to mention any costume involving a sombrero or a serape. And there’s still more horror. Gonzales goes on to report discovering that, “some students have also hosted offensively-themed parties that reinforce negative representations of cultures as being associated with poverty (‘ghetto’ or ‘white trash/hillbilly’), or with crime or sex work.” So, is it worrisome to the worthy provost that crime and sex work may be portrayed by “negative representations,” or is that syntax accidental? WOOF can’t be certain, but we are sure that Dean Gonzales is the perfect post-secondary party pooper this Halloween.
And some costuming news on the welcome side!
Everybody knows the dress cap for a male marine—it’s on recruiting posters, on TV recruiting ads, you know: “The few, the proud…” and yes, we are including a picture here in case some of you newer arrivals to our site cannot quite place the traditional topper on account of planned cultural illiteracy inflicted on you by the public school system.
Easily winning this October’s award for worst new costume idea, the Defense Department came up with the brainstorm of putting a female cap on the head of every male in the United States Marines. Yes, they really meant to do this, gentle readers, with no significant objection raised by anyone for several weeks until the idea became public. The move was apparently proposed by Our Beloved Helmsman himself, with the full approval of Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. The regime’s desire to see every Marine go unisex was passed down via internal memo, subsequently leaked to the New York Daily Post. This seems especially odd given the Secretary of Defense’s many recent complaints that the spending cuts his administration has inflicted on the American military are terrible, and all the fault of sequestration, of course. We say odd not only because that is a ridiculous assertion, but also because even if it weren’t, the fact would remain that putting every male gyrene in a girly cap comes with the projected cost of an additional $8,221,958. So why on earth is this deemed desirable by Barack and Chuck?
The Corps (or corpse, as our president prefers to say) has functioned fairly well up until now with two dress uniform hats, one for boys and one for girls. A glance at the photo accompanying this screed should be sufficient to demonstrate to any reasonable individual that the young lady looks great in the female cap, and the young man looks ridiculous in it. That’s because boys are different from girls, Mr. President—surely you’ve noticed? Fortunately, the project made it only as far as Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Amos who put a sudden end to it, remarking bluffly that “The Marine Corps has zero intention of changing the male cover.” Thus, the USMC was saved from the uni-sexual depredations of the Obamans, but the very idea of putting male Marines in girl’s caps remains one of the scariest images of the season!
TRICK OR TREAT!
You can’t have a scary Halloween without some good mad doctor stories, right? Doctor Frankenstein, of course, and Dr. Moreau’s House of Pain, and Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde…and so on…but the best mad doctor story this October is definitely Obamacare, which made a lot of doctors mad –and comes with a cavalcade of tricks and treats tailor-made for the season!
The trick part is easy, isn’t it! Our Beloved Leader told us that his signature legislation would reduce the cost of health insurance “by $2,500 per family per year!” Per year? We loved that part! What does that even mean? Well, no matter—the treat is: the luckiest among us will wind up paying double or triple for health insurance from “the exchanges,” while scads of us will lose our insurance plans and pay “taxes” (otherwise known as fines) to excuse the fact that we can’t afford the absurdly expensive Obamacare options!
Trick: “If you like your doctor,” the president famously asserted, “you will be able to keep your doctor—period!” How many of us fell for that one? Well, not us, of course, but we use the term “us” here with a certain empathetic expansiveness. And the treat is: almost 90 percent of America’s doctors say they have considered leaving their practices as a result of Obamacare, and in most cases you can absolutely not keep your current doctor unless your current doctor is a Namibian-trained Serb named Bratislov working out of a storefront clinic 87 miles from your home. And of course, the above described trick came with the ancillary trick: “If you like your current health care plan, you’ll be able to keep it,” which should have been asterisked with “if it’s still there after we get done refusing to grandfather it, which it won’t be!” Which is why the treat is: your insurance company is going to be forced by the irresistible impetus of simple arithmetic to terminate your policy—and the extra-bonus trick that goes along with that is: The Obama Administration gets to claim that your mean old insurance company ruthlessly disposed of you, which permits the Obamans to steer you toward their real goal, and the biggest treat of all: The all-government-all-the-time single-payer health system! (BOO!)
Trick: “Obamacare will create employment opportunities for Americans!” Treat: This is true if you consider working fewer hours and earning less money represents an opportunity. Obviously, small business in America is being smashed to a pulp by the new regulatory demands of socialist health care, and a quick solution for harried employers is to move full-time employees to part time hours. Again this gives the administration the opportunity to claim private businesses are simply far crueler than it ever could have anticipated!
Trick: President Obama solemnly insisted, “I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits—either now or in the future, period.” (Say, remember when they used to make fun of McCarthy for saying “period!” a lot? No, you probably don’t—but at least Joe meant it! And the treat, of course, is that even if we stick with the relatively conservative estimates of the Government Accountability Office (fondly known as the GAO), Obamacare will increase our deficit (which the president just assured us was shrinking, if we recall correctly?) by a whopping 6.2 trillion dollars.
And the best trick of the whole Halloween season? The elitists who shoved this socialist chef-d’oeuvre down our throats also made very certain that they and their families and associates were all personally exempt from it. Harry Reid even managed to exempt his state of Nevada en toto from the majority of the act’s most oppressive ingredients. Thanks, gang!
This one reminds us of the vastly under-appreciated crazed–body-chopping-robot-assembling-aliens-who-are-actually-computer-viruses movie, Virus(1999) Remember that one? No—probably not. Well, see, these salvagers are down on their luck but they discover this drifting Russian satellite tracking ship so they climb aboard and find things in very spooky condition—and then—really bad stuff starts to happen, and it all has to do with what’s in the ship’s computer systems. Ugh! And then there are all those spooky island movies from the older days, like who will ever forget Universal Studio’s black and white epic, Horror Island from 1941? Well—probably most people never knew about it to begin with, but anyway… it had “Fuzzy” Knight in it, remember him? Okay, never mind.
Fast forward to San Francisco Bay where another kind of mystery island –or derelict Russian satellite tracking ship if you use your imagination hard enough– has been discovered! It’s a huge floating barge with four stories of shipping containers stacked on its deck, forming a kind of habitat and work area. Thin vertical slits serve as windows and each level has an enclosed gangway that descends to the ground level. The barge in San Francisco Bay is not legally registered to be afloat there, but nobody in the area Coast Guard is willing to discuss it. Floating near Treasure Island, which lies between San Francisco and Oakland, the unmarked barge is called “the secret project” by locals who offer various home-grown ideas about the mystery. Word of a more informed nature has developed to the effect that the barge is a floating data center resembling copyrights submitted by Google in 2009. Google, however, refuses to respond to requests for information.
And like in any good spooky movie, just when you think you have one mystery, you have two. A nearly identical barge has been located in Portland, Maine. This one is undergoing construction, and The construction company working on the barge and the Portland Harbormaster refuse to comment on the barge’s ownership or purpose. Recently, a reporter trying to photograph the barge, (docked at Ricker’s wharf by the way, if you want to take a peek), was asked to leave the area. A Portland Coast Guard station spokesman assured reporters, “We know what’s inside,” but would not comment further.
So, is it Google, and if so, what is Google up to? Are they using these hugely expensive and problematic barges as floating R&D centers aboard which they intend to develop a product line competitive with Apple? That’s the rumor, but WOOF smells a cover story. Something far more sinister may be afoot—err—afloat. Google has been very good to WOOF, and we are reluctant to bite the hand that nurtures us, but are these data collection sites being assembled in furtherance of the NSA’s exertions to commit espionage against the American people? One barge might suffice to develop a product line, but two? “I am very surprised to hear there is another one,” said Jonathan Koomey, a data-center technology expert at Stanford University, “This is fascinating.” We agree. Especially fascinating because while one barge might suffice to gather data on the western half of the nation, the other is being assembled suspiciously near our secret cave…and may in fact be targeting Watchdogs of Our Freedom! Or, it could always turn out to be under-appreciated crazed–body-chopping-robot-assembling aliens who are actually computer viruses…possibly.
Have you ever noticed that stuff disappears all the time? And besides the routine examples like car keys, glasses, socks and mittens, there are more mysterious vanishings—like the ships, crews and planes that disappear in the Bermuda Triangle, or Judge Crater, or take Louis Le Prince, the 19th century French inventor who created the world’s first motion pictures. Louis had the world at his feet, but vanished from a speeding train never to be found. First Lieutenant Felix Moncla and his radar operator, Second Lieutenant Robert Wilson, flew their F-89 Scorpion out over Lake Superior in 1953 from Kinross AFB to check out a massive UFO. Back at Kinross, radar operators watched the plane’s blip merge with the huge unidentified blip on radar, and plane and crew were never seen again. And there was “D. B. Cooper,” of course, and the boxer Jim Robinson who survived a bout with Mohammed Ali but vanished from the face of the earth in 2009—and so on. Now, WOOF considers it rather obvious that a lot of this is rationally attributable to abductions carried out by flying saucers or by the denizens of the hollow earth, but some kinds of disappearances simply resist such logical explanation! For example:
Disappearing news stories!
The National Broadcasting Corporation, which is practically a subsidiary dis-informational arm of the Obama Administration, astonished everyone on both sides of the political divide when it took a heterodox bounce and reported a news story that portrayed the administration in a negative light. The story was the kind of thing that might evoke yawns from WOOF readers or the conservative cognoscenti in general, but seemed to send shock waves through certain segments of the “independent” and center-left demographic wherein, WOOF has learned, it is apparently not uncommon that people listen to Harry Reid, Dick Durbin, Nancy Pelosi or even Barack Obama and assume that they are hearing the truth.
Yes, last Tuesday an NBC website article appeared revealing that (gasp!) the Obama administration knew as early as 2010 that millions (50 to 75 percent) of Americans would not be able to keep their health insurance under Obamacare, despite which fact Our Dear Leader repeatedly and emphatically promised the contrary. Yes, somebody at NBC actually dug up the details and found that the law was rewritten after passage to render its own grandfathering clause impossible to conform to. For millions of voters who evidently went to the polls believing they were about to get free or “affordable” health insurance or hang onto the plans they were comfortable with, this had the impact of a rogue meteor striking Anytown, USA. Minds were blown, paradigms were shattered, and while good-hearted but weak-witted Obama believers across the fruited plain were bollixed by the sudden effusion of reality from NBC, a previously reliable source of the strict party line, the Obama regime was no less consternated! Calls were made, shouts were shouted into the appropriate receivers, and hence into the appropriate ears at NBC, and the story vanished! Poof! It was gone as mysteriously as it arrived, with nary a bleat of explanation.
But too many had already remarked the story, and its disappearance became bigger news on the right than the president’s perfidies, which were in any case common knowledge in more dextral environs. And so, the embarrassed yanking of this accidental moment of objective journalism became a source of derisory laughter on the radio right, echoing through the conservative blogosphere, and bestirring curiosity from other, less alert venues of “news.” Now the pressure built on NBC to explain the sudden disappearance, so the network zagged, putting the story back up, blaming a “publication glitch” for its brief excursion in limbo….but the article reappeared without its most damnatory paragraph, to wit:
“None of this should come as a shock to the Obama administration. The law states that policies in effect as of March 23, 2010 will be “grandfathered,” meaning consumers can keep those policies even though they don’t meet requirements of the new health care law. But the Department of Health and Human Services then wrote regulations that narrowed that provision, by saying that if any part of a policy was significantly changed since that date — the deductible, co-pay, or benefits, for example — the policy would not be grandfathered.”
Gosh, and that was our favorite paragraph, too! But too many bloggers had copied the initial story, and ultimately even this most accusatory paragraph had to be restored. No editorial note has been appended elucidating the paragraph’s previous removal, but we bet it was another publishing glitch—they are epidemic on the Left these days!
And then there were the 2 million bikers who vanished from Washington DC!
Forget Flight 19, those five Navy “Avenger” TBM aircraft that disappeared in the Bermuda triangle—their story, while piquant, does not begin to compare for scope and strangeness with the events surrounding nearly two million motorcyclists who roared into our nation’s capital on September 11th, partly to put to shame the “Million Muslim March,” (actually about 25 individuals who tastefully chose the anniversary of the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers to assemble in Washington, DC). But the bikers’ larger goal, as one of them put it, was to bear witness to the fact that “We’ve got to revive our country and do something different than we’re doing. It’s time it had a resurrection.”
So almost two million noisy bikers crammed the streets of Washington DC for a full day last September, without a permit, and essentially shut the place down. They did so peacefully, and for purely patriotic purposes, and you would be hard pressed to discover anyone who heard a word about it, so silent were the media. Without a leftist template to fit the bikers to, and absent a nasty incident to focus on, the Liberal Establishment simply colluded to wax mute, and the entire event occurred within an eerie pocket of silence—as though the bikers were never there at all. The bikers vowed to return, but in WOOF’s opinion their next target needs to be the various network news offices in New York City!
AND A FINAL, POST APOCALYPTIC VISION:
Say, has anybody seen any GREEN energy? You know, the power of the future that was supposed to guide us into a new 21st Century world of carefree travel and low-cost energy for our homes and businesses? The market sector where so much of the stimulus went that was supposed to repair our highways and bridges? (Probably the President figured we wouldn’t need highways and bridges if we all had flying cars!) Like, where’s that Solyndra outfit? We the people handed them 535 million dollars, so they must be booming right about now, right? Oh, that’s right, they filed for bankruptcy. First Solar—they got 1.46 billion dollars—so where are they just now? Bueller?….Beuller? What about Evergreen Solar, who received a tidy 25 million? Bankrupt? How can this be? Raser Technologies got 33 million—and went bankrupt. Range Fuels got 80 million—and went bankrupt. Konarka Technologies got 20 million—and, oops, they went bankrupt too. WOOF could go on and on here, gentle readers, truly we could, but we are sensitive to overwhelming you with depressingly redundant detail.
But can we blame the president for putting so much hope, and so much cash, into new, efficient, clean, safe sources of energy? Welll….yeah. We can.
Take a gander, if you have the nerve this Halloween, at the post-apocalyptic realm of the Abound Solar Manufacturing Facility in Longmont, Colorado. We the people gave Abound 400 million in stimulus dollars, but when Abound went bankrupt, it didn’t just fade into that good night. It left behind a toxic cesspool of environmental nightmares, known carcinogens, contaminated water tables, and of course a lot of broken glass, because all that solar energy is pretty glass intensive, apparently. Yes, the Abound fiasco left behind 37,000 square feet of hazardous waste that will cost an estimated 4 million additional dollars to clean up. The offices are falling down, and too contaminated to lease in any case. The idea of selling off inventory to pay for clean up has been abandoned, because there isn’t any. Inventory, including 2,000 finished solar panels that nobody wanted, has vanished…only the toxins and collapsing buildings remain.
How can this be, gentle readers? Wasn’t it only yesterday (all right, 2010) that Our Beloved Leader told us, among other things, that “Abound Solar Manufacturing…will manufacture advanced solar panels at two new plants, creating more than 2,000 construction jobs and 1,500 permanent jobs.” Oh well. The only jobs created turned out to be for lawyers and waste-removal bidders, which fact prompted the National Legal and Policy Center to observe:
“If a coal, oil or gas company pulled something like that the EPA would send out SWAT teams and the U.S. Marshals to track down the offenders, bankrupt or not.”
So where were the EPA and its attendant enforcers on this one? The fact is, manufacturing solar panels requires the use of several known carcinogens including cadmium, which is nothing to mess around with—and yet the derelict factory sites of bankrupt green-energy manufacturers are left largely to rot. Is there a reasonable explanation? WOOF hypothesizes that sequestration has limited the EPA’s ability to respond to a full spectrum of environmental threats, requiring them to limit their focus to maximally menacing operations such as those of the Gibson guitar company (which you may recall was raided with “evidence” of illegal wood importation seized on three separate occasions because they gave large amounts of money to Republican candidates), or gold miners in Chicken, Alaska, (WOOF is not making this up) who were raided by heavily armed EPA agents in full body armor in a driving snow storm on suspicion of causing water pollution, (because Our Beloved Leader really dislikes Alaska—guess why), and rampaging into the Eel River Hydroponics Store in Fortuna, California, M-4s at the ready. We haven’t figured that one out yet at all. But at least the crucial stuff is getting covered!
Okay, Woofketeers, we can’t go further into the scariest events of the season without running the risk of becoming one of them ourselves—our heads might explode. So we will conclude this modest offering by wishing those of you who are not offended by the premise, a very merry (Happy? Joyous? Convivial?) Halloween. If you are going trick-or-treating, don’t get run over by any of those DHS Mine Resistant Armored Protection Vehicles, okay? And please make certain that your costume is one that will pass muster at American universities. One that reflects diversity…say, Frankenstein was diverse, wasn’t he? Maybe he’d be okay. And if you get a lot of candy, don’t tell Michelle Obama—she’ll get upset. And don’t come to the WOOF cave—we keep all our candy for ourselves. (Maybe we read too much Ayn Rand.) Besides, you’d never find us (unless you’re the EPA) and we’re not coming out until all this weirdness subsides!