Yes, Woofketeers….it’s once again time to celebrate WOOF’s entrance upon the cyberspacial stage, which is merely to say, in a less self-absorbed context, that it is once again Halloween. As we remarked last year and the year before that, it just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first rather hesitant and shabbily configured web post on October 31, 2012…and so when we checked back and determined this fact, we realized we were born on Halloween. This seems thoroughly ironic, given that we are the least scary and most lovably good natured website in blogospheric history—but we are not the kind to let a coincidence go to waste. Perhaps you’ve noticed? So, we decided first of all to wish ourselves another happy birthday, and then to proceed to mull the seasonally-apt implications of the year gone by.
So, happy birthday to us, your dedicated and jovial band of troglodytic counter-revolutionaries bringing you the latest thoughts, observations and paranoiac suspicions from the outer fringes of the what John McCain calls the ‘Wackabird’ Right! Ensconced here in our secret cave on the shores of the fierce Atlantic, we spent our third year doing what we spent the first two doing– ducking drones and staving off commie cyber attacks while relentlessly mocking the endless cavalcade of morons in media, the farcical antics of those inside-the-beltway bezonians who govern us, and the never-ending stream of vulgarities gushing from Hollywood’s homogeneously liberal and embarrassingly vacuous glitterati.
We surged during years two and three, shooting from a dozen or so views daily all the way up to a few hundred on our really good days. But will these giddy numbers turn our heads? Never! As we approach the terminus of year three we remain the same wonderfully modest, studiedly humble public servants who began massaging your eyeballs in October of 2012! True, it may be recalled that we predicted one year ago that “we will be so big by the end of year three (assuming the nation as a whole manages to make it that far), your kids will demand to wear WOOF-dog masks to trick or treat in—which will be kind of sad, come to think of it, because we don’t make WOOF dog masks…” and okay, we’ll be the first to admit the demand for dog masks has not materialized–which is arguably a good thing, because neither have the dog masks! But we don’t seek fame, glory, or thousands of clicks per hour–no no!
All we WOOFERS (Adina Kutnicki’s catchy phrase) seek is the opportunity to spend a fourth year pestering the Left and exhorting the Right in ways we hope you will continue to find entertaining and enlightening. And this reminds us, we are asked from time to time by earnest seekers after truth, how much of our reportage is factual. It all is. Honest. We are not the ONION, and we are not entitled to our own facts.
Sometimes we converse with fans who tell us that others whom they’ve encouraged to check us out complain that we “just make all that stuff up!” But we don’t. Our interpretations and editorial assertions may be entirely off the wall, but we never misrepresent our research. If we tell you, to pick one much-sullied datum, that none of the famous educationists cited by Common Core as influential in its formation had anything whatsoever to do with the formation of Common Core, we are not making it up– although for some reason a lot of folks didn’t believe us.
Another example of a TRUE FACT many readers suspected us of fabricating was the presentation of a special award for excellence by then-CIA Director Tenet to communist spy Ana Belen Montes. Here again, we are only reporting the facts. Upon reflection, however, we admit a degree of editorial ambiguity in that instance, because the datum was reported as a picture caption, and sometimes we kid you a little in picture captions. As an example, we captioned a picture of Sandra Fluke receiving her Stand Up for Choice Award by pointing out that the award comes in the shape of an inflated condom. Actually, the resemblance, while uncanny, is coincidental, but some japes are too good to pass up. And this naturally brings us to our first traditional Halloween categories: namely:
THE THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE!
Once again Common Core qualifies as a thing that will not die, so enthusiastically is it boosted and advanced by everyone from Jeb Bush to Bill Gates, and yet no amount of NEA propagandizing seems to proof it against the endless flow of outrages it generates. Sample: Tennesseans just discovered that their 7th graders are being brought into alignment with the new Common Core middle school criteria by being taught to write and recite that “Allah is the only god.” This was part of a history assignment, by the way, although Common Core insists that it doesn’t teach history or social studies–just math and science…an assertion recently repeated on air by Megan Kelly. Gosh Megan, in the NEA’s own ten-point celebration of Common Core they rave that “it’s not about fiction vs. non-fiction reading. It’s about integrating them with other disciplines, like English and social studies,” so you see, you don’t have to call a subject history or social studies in order to debauch it, you just need more latitude (and more fiction) with which to do the debauching. Meanwhile…Fox News (traditionally pro-Common Core and proclived to allege that its scope is restricted to math and science) recently acknowledged that “One of Common Core’s most glaring deficiencies is its handling of adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing numbers.”
In Florida a Common Core worksheet laments that “only schools in white districts got new texts. Schools in African American areas got old, damaged books,” which is explained as “fiction” which we noted above is now to be integrated with factual data while not teaching social studies. And then there’s all the creepy data wherein students are subjected to federally connected interrogations aimed at discovering their families’ health-care histories, earnings histories, religious beliefs and affiliations, political party registration, and gun ownership. True, Common Core is coming under increased scrutiny and attack, but Obama’s outgoing education commissar Arne Duncan chalks any dissent up to “white suburban moms who — all of a sudden — their child isn’t as brilliant as they thought they were, and their school isn’t quite as good as they thought they [sic] were.” And yes, we also noticed that the last part doesn’t make sense, especially from Duncan’s eristic viewpoint, but nobody ever accused Arne Duncan of being particularly intelligent…he got his job because he supports the federal infiltration and dominance of American education–so it doesn’t really matter to anyone in the White House that he’s a clown.
Spooky clown sightings, redux!
And speaking of clowns….see how we did that?….one of our favorite perennial categories is abloom again this autumn. Award-winning Chicago journalist Dave Savini reports that Chicago is overrun by clowns–the mysterious variety, that is. Naturally, in Chicago it is a bit of challenge to keep the creepy clown sightings separated categorically from the average clown sightings. After all, we are dealing with a municipality that treats Rahm Emanuel and Anthony Weiner as serious human beings. Nevertheless, the creepy clown threat persists and must be taken seriously.
Example: Julia Graham and her husband were driving by the main gate of the historic Rosehill Cemetery when they were “freaked out” by an eerie figure, traipsing the grounds. “When we get closer, we realize it’s a clown, which is super weird,” Julia told CBS journalist Dave Savini. Initially, the clown seemed undeterred by the Grahams, waving slowly at the couple. But when they turned their high beams on, he turned and deftly scaled the 7-foot-high gate at the Ravenswood Avenue entrance—a feat of considerable virtuosity, especially in clown shoes! “I mean, this was somebody putting forth a lot of effort — and being really weird,” Graham told Savini.
And Chicago isn’t the only place with a surfet of clowns. “Evil-looking” clowns have been terrorizing California City and Wasco, California this year. Residents even report some clowns brandishing machetes or kitchen knives. Thus far, however, the clown sightings do not appear to match the magnitude of 2014’s nationwide outbreak.
As if to compensate, and as though South Carolina weren’t having enough problems, the Palmetto State has been plagued this year with fresh sightings of Lizard Man, a strange reptilian creature who was first reported in 1988 hanging out near Scape Ore Swamp in Lee County. Suddenly bevies of locals are again witnessing appearances by the “tall, dark figure that [has] a tail and appears to have scales,” as one witness described him. Like most anomalous creatures of local renown, Lizard Man leaves tracks and scratch marks, and plenty of sincere anecdotal testimony, but seems reluctant to pose for photos. An exception occurred when a Sumpter woman managed to get a cellphone photo of the mysterious figure early in August. We think it looks like a “Gorn,” except it looks a lot more lifelike than the one James T. Kirk fought on Star Trek (season one, episode eighteen, 1967).
As the planet BURNS!
Perhaps you’ve noticed that amongst the elites there is a new favorite game, and that is a game of “reach!” You play “reach!” by seeing how far you can stretch whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing in order to somehow connect it with some liberal bumper-sticker cause, like global warming, so that you can talk about global warming instead of what you’re supposed to be doing. The most recent entrant (and a true champ by any reasonable standard) is the International Monetary Fund’s chief Christine LaGarde. LaGarde addressed the IMF conference in Lima, Peru on October 7th, inviting members to consider the excellent Peruvian poultry dishes on which they were dining in a new light, because, she insisted, failure to take urgent action on global warming would soon make oven roasters of them all! Apparently it is now the business of the IMF (which no longer stands for Impossible Mission Force, by the way, although that interpretation seems once again apposite) to halt global warming.
If the international monetary manipulators fail to take a firm stand against planetary pyrexia, LaGarde assured the diners they will soon meet the same fate as their entrees. But we cannot match the IMF chief’s eloquence, thus we offer her full quote to the effect that: “If we collectively chicken out of this we’ll all turn into chickens and we’ll all be fried, grilled, toasted and roasted.” WOOF cannot resist noting that chief LaGarde here missed an opportunity to call “deniers” dumb clucks, which omission we are willing to ascribe to her benevolent nature. And in case you don’t think this merits mention in our Halloween sampler for this year, how’s this for scary? LaGarde yielded the podium to World Bank President Jim Yong Kim, and the World Bank’s very own “climate talks executive secretary” Christiana Figueres, followed swiftly by the scariest thing imaginable if you ask us, and that’s an economist who specializes in climate change, none other than Nicholas Stern.
Fortunately, as swift action is clearly the order of the day, all speakers agreed firmly on what steps need be taken to circumvent global conflagration. In case you haven’t already guessed, the steps include removing all subsidies on fossil fuels and imposing massive international carbon taxes. Realists to the core, the speakers acknowledged these measures could prove difficult to impose universally. “We have been trying to help countries remove fuel subsidies,” said Jim Kim, but the World Bank president admitted that the resultant spikes in fuel prices might conduce toward some degree of public disaffection, adding: “Politicians don’t like it when taxi drivers and truck drivers block the streets.” Nicholas Stern might have jumped in here to remark that economies don’t like it either, but why dampen the mood?
The Angsty Red Planet!
By far the best played hand of “reach!” to date, at least insofar as global warming is concerned, is what Robert Ludlum might call the Martian Exemplar. This effort emanated from NASA, long signatory to the “settled science” of “climate change,” which announced in September that “for three Mars summers in a row, deposits of frozen carbon dioxide near Mars’ south pole have shrunk from the previous year’s size, suggesting a climate change in progress.” Now, bearing in mind that a Martian year is approximately twice as long as an Earth year, this means NASA has observed shrinking Martian polar caps for around six Earth years. Furthermore, the principal analyst of imagery from the Mars Orbiter Camera, Michael Malin, opines that Mars’s “polar ice cap is shrinking at a prodigious rate.”
Needless to say, the initial reaction from “warmists” was wildly enthusiastic. Here was evidence that our neighboring planet had fallen victim to precisely those forces that President Obama, Albert Gore, the IMF, the World Bank, Cher, and NASA were battling on our home planet–could we not see the writing on the cosmic wall? But the Left’s initial lurch toward the Martian Exemplar ground to a sudden halt, and readers may have noticed the topic all but abandoned by the usual suspects. After all, even the most dimwitted constituent of the cause can be expected to scratch his head for a moment and wonder aloud, “So how did that happen?” Nobody on Mars is driving SUVs, operating coal-burning power plants or running air conditioning units. and while NASA footage has been said to reveal everything from Martian lizards to a Martian Bigfoot and even the above-depicted Martian lady out for a stroll, so far no flatulent cattle have been discovered. In other words, if Mars is heating up, it must have to do with problems other than man-made climate disruption, and since man-made climate disruption is canonical to the climatological Left, Mars turns out to be a bit of a problem. Worse, an astronomical observatory in Russia (where they just never seem to get on board with any of our young President’s governing delusions) declared that, “the Mars data is evidence that the current global warming on Earth is being caused by changes in the sun.” Thus, the proponents of Martian equivalency performed a hasty volte face and the topic is now primarily the province of right-wing opinionists who delight in pointing out the obvious, namely that warming, if it occurs at all, is the result of factors other than capitalism.
Mars to become habitable!
On the bright side, the rate at which Mars is now perceived to be warming could make it the perfect tourist spot in years to come. Michael Caplinger of San Diego’s Malin Space Science Systems suggests that “Mars could become a nearly inhabitable place for people within 5,000 years or so. Rather than wearing a spacesuit, you could get away with wearing just an oxygen mask and a thick parka.” And those of us who regret the dismissal from the public forum of the red planet’s heat wave and remain hopeful that evidence may soon emerge that a vast civilization of coal-burning, cow herding, truck driving Martians once thrived on that planet, only to exterminate itself by ignoring the effects of its greenhouse gas emissions, can take some comfort in a recent discovery that space aliens are indeed focused on the problem, and that Al Gore is alert to their machinations!
Aliens promote global warming!
Robert Sheaffer is that rarest of a breeds: a UFO debunker who is also fun. In his capacity as a reporter for the Skeptical Inquirer Sheaffer recently returned from the annual International UFO Congress with a pamphlet bearing evidence that Aliens are waiting for global warming to sufficiently heat our world before taking it over–the warmer planets being, evidently, more to their taste. The pamphlet asks “Why are we helping them heat our planet?” and urges concerned earthlings to repel the alien invaders by finding out “more from Al Gore’s ClimateRealityProject.org.” So apparently Al is alert to the situation.
This year’s STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES award…
Muslims are vanishing into thin air all over Europe. Pamela Geller broke the story this week and German media are confirming that one out of every two refugees in Germany’s camps for middle easterners is simply gone! And to make matters worse, the United Nations is offering to help locate them, The UN is actually seizing this opportunity to promote its sinister “universal” identification system” with which they intend to plant biometric identification chips in the hand of every world citizen. So why not simply call it “The Mark of the Beast Initiative?”
At least 580 refugees initially disappeared from Camp Shelterschlefe, but Geller notes that in a “terrible new twist,” the disappearances are spreading. “It’s become an epidemic,” Geller writes, adding that “7,000 migrants have left the Brandenburg shelters. Where are they going? Who is sheltering these illegals, many with ties to ISIS?”
Die Welt corroborates Geller’s point, noting that thousands of refugees have left their assigned accommodations in other areas. “They are simply not there anymore,” the paper exclaims. The German news outlet Faz.net says at least 700 more Muslims disappeared from emergency accommodations in Lower Saxony. And in Austria, where it is legal to procure rifles and shotguns, these too appear to be vanishing–from store shelves! (On a reassuring note, the guns appear to be leaving in the hands of paying citizens disquieted by the hordes of missing Muslims.)
Meet this year’s TRICK or TREAT winner!
And on approximately the same subject, this year’s trick-or-treat award easily goes to George Mason University’s professor of Atmospheric and Earth Sciences, Jagadish Shukla. Shukla is the global-warming academic who recently recommended that the federal government prosecute global warming deniers by using the RICO statute to come after companies like Exxon, which, Shukla explained, intentionally misled public opinion about how seriously the planet is overheating. Shukla was not able to provide evidence of any collusion or of any misleading (or really of any global warming, come to think of it) but he got a lot of press suggesting that America scrap the first amendment where the planet’s safety is concerned and prosecute the flat earthers. Good trick, Professor Shukla!
The treat turns out to be that Professor Shukla made a cool (sorry) $500 thousand last year channeling government science grants into his own pocket through his non-profit, not to mention $330 thousand in regular salary from his personal creation, The Institute of Global Environment and Society. Catchy, we think. It will not surprise Woofketeers to learn that 90% of the IGES’s revenue emanates from government funds. Oh, and Shukla’s wife is doing well, too. She scored $166 thousand from the same group this year for—well—maybe for not owning an SUV? Meanwhile, the professor earned an additional $250 thousand as his salary from George Mason, where he is naturally much admired.
In fact, NASA, NOAA and the National Science Foundation have sunk $29 million into projects featuring Shukla as the principle investigator over recent years, and funded Shukla’s immensely profitable non-profit with an additional $12 million more dollars, but all in a good cause, to be sure. Oddly, shortly after insisting that nothing untoward had occurred in any of these regards, Shukla’s IGES yanked his letter recommending the prosecution of global warming deniers, explaining that, “the letter that was inadvertently posted on this web site has been removed.” And biggest shocker of all: “It was decided more than two years ago that the Institute of Global Environment and Society (IGES) would be dissolved when the projects then undertaken by IGES would be completed. ” The site goes on to explain that since “all research projects by IGES were completed in July 2015…the IGES web site is in the process of being decommissioned.” Gosh, and just when business was heating up! (Sorry!)
FIRST ANNUAL COLANDER OF DOOM AWARD!
If you find yourself believing in God, then you happen to fall in line with 9 out of 10 Americans regarding the existence of a Deity—but don’t worry, we can fix that! If you happen to be of the view that illegal immigration is deracinating the American experiment and represents a malevolent attempt by an America-loathing president and his Marxist minions to hand control of the Republic over to an utterly unvetted swarm of criminals, mendicants, and psychos who will seize the right to vote and destabilize the nation, than rest easy—your irrational bigotry can now be fixed electronically! That’s right–your attitudes towards God and immigrants can be changed by beaming magnetic waves into your poor twisted brain!
A bizarre experiment seems to turn Christians into instant agnostics and citizens concerned about lax border security into cheerleaders for La Rasa! Are you still bitterly clinging to your God and your historically Judeo-Christian culture, Bunky? Well, get over your bad self! Help is at hand! Yes, Dr Keise Izuma of the University of York, in the United Kingdom is pleased to report that placing a large electromagnetic coil on the sufferer’s head and ramping up electric currents that stimulate the nerve cells in the region of the brain’s prefrontal cortex (which controls moods) seems to “resolve ideological problems.” Of course, by “resolves problems” he actually mean to say “turns people liberal.” The key to this modern miracle is a little something Dr. Izuma likes to call transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) which seems to shut off certain groups of neurones in the brains of volunteers.
And efficacies? Belief in God was reduced by a third! “As expected, we found that when we experimentally turned down the posterior medial frontal cortex, people were less inclined to reach for comforting religious ideas despite having been reminded of death,” chirruped project co-director Dr. Colin Holbrook. As ice cream atop the pie, subjects’ resistance to being flooded with immigrants dropped by a statistically impressive 28.5 percent, although Holbrook doesn’t say whether this represents a natural correlation to a reduced fear of death.
But it gets even better! American subjects were shown two essays written by recently arrived immigrants, one harshly critical of the United States and one highly flattering. As might be expected, even today, the majority of the American participants were initially offended by the diatribe against their country, but after just one episode of transcranial magnetic stimulation, the Americans began to like the critical essay a lot more. So what more need we say about this wondrous phenomenon of modern science, Woofketeers? Except that throughout the history of modern totalitarianism the same effect (the general effect of rendering believers in God and exceptional cultural identity less troublesome) has been produced more humanely and lastingly with the traditional 9mm bullet behind the ear—so do we really need the TSM device? We invite you to consider the real advantage here, Woofketeers, from the standpoint of the Left, which is that survivors of the TSM treatment can continue voting, whereas dead people cannot, except in several traditional swing states where the practice is said to be widespread—but that’s another story entirely!
Postscript: A Woofette entered the cave as we were placing this portion of the Halloween birthday post into the copy, and one of us remarked to her, “Hey, they have a brain machine that’ll turn people liberal!” to which she replied, “I know, it’s called college!”
This year’s PURPLE PENGUIN AWARD is a no-brainer!
Last Halloween we reported the attack of the “purple penguins” when school officials in Lincoln, Nebraska decided to forbid sexual identities among their pupils by classifying everyone as a purple penguin rather than a boy or a girl–brilliant, huh! Anyway, in a similar vein, Connecticut school children may have to do without Halloween altogether now that the Milford school district has banned the traditional Halloween school parades and the wearing of costumes. Why? Well, the Halloween parades were banned “for fear they would exclude kids who didn’t want to take part in the celebration.” (We did not make up that quote.)
“…definitely not alienated…”
Imagine how terrible it would be, after all, if students who didn’t want to participate in Halloween events were caused to feel discriminated against because they didn’t get to participate. Some problems just scream liberalism, and this is one such. According to Jim Richetelli, chief operations officer for the Milford Public Schools, “Milford Public Schools do have many children from diverse beliefs, cultures and religions; the goal is for all children to feel comfortable and definitely not alienated when they come to school.” Unless they wanted to have a Halloween parade, that is. And WOOF is frankly puzzled that Wiccans have not raised a vociferous protest here. Longtime readers may recall that WOOF has come to the defense of this disparaged minority on previous occasions of liberal abuse (click here for an example) and we hereby award Chief Operations Officer Richetelli the not-particularly-coveted PURPLE PENGUIN AWARD for 2015, as he follows in the august footsteps of no less a person than Lincoln Nebraska’s School Superintendent Steve Joel (who declared himself “happy and pleased”with the forcible recasting of formerly male or female school children as non-gendered “purple penguins” back in 2014).
Breaking News Flash!
In breaking news, the Milford School district, bombarded with criticism and petitions demanding the reinstatement of Halloween have caved in to the vox populi. They have also issued a veritable blizzard of official declarations and statements insisting that they never cancelled Halloween to begin with, and the eagle-eyed staff at Snopes (two liberals in a trailer, but you probably knew that) are now more or less underwriting this dreck. The masochistically inclined are encouraged to review the Snopes whitewash here. The rest of us fondly remember the winner from last year, School Superintendent Steve Joel, a man with the guts to stick with stupid, whereas this year’s winner, Jim Richetelli, now insists that there was never any effort to halt Halloween, even telling the New Haven Register that the ban not only didn’t happen, but also that he “had no direct knowledge of it” while it wasn’t happening. C’mon, show a little backbone, Jim! We’re letting you hang onto the award because we’re just nice is all!
Runner up for the Purple Penguin award is a woman whose crusade inaugurated a completely original field of study, namely the sociology of culinary racialism. Moreover, this unsung heroine of the culture wars managed to win mention in not one, but two areas of achievement. We must travel to Portland, Oregon, to discover the originator of these cutting-edge initiatives, one Verenice Gutierrez, principal of the Harvey Scott K-8 elementary school. And if you make a pilgrimage thither, beloved reader, do not ask for a peanut butter sandwich at the cafeteria, lest you be nailed for a hate crime! Whilst other schools in America proceed blindly to provide this oppressively micro-aggressive cuisine, Ms. Guitierrez has seen through the peanut-butter conspiracy and denounced this classically American fare as “probably racist.” After all, she points out, “what about Somali or Hispanic students, who might not eat sandwiches?…Let them tell you. Maybe they eat torta. Or pita.”
Still more impressive: Principal Gutierrez is also establishing a record by simultaneously winning WOOF’s third place nomination for the Purple Penguin Award, this time for her segregated drumming classes offered to Black and Hispanic students only—all of whom must be boys. When the routinely servile Portland Tribune went so far as to inquire about the propinquity of such strictures, Principal Gutierrez retorted: “When white people do it, it is not a problem, but if it’s for kids of color, then it’s a problem? Break it down for me. That’s your white privilege, and your whiteness.”
Confronted with such pellucid reasoning, the Tribune was struck dumb. Meanwhile, we at WOOF are combing the nation to discover where exactly are held drumming classes for Whites only—the truth is out there.
There HAVE been SIGNS!
An unusual amount of evidence has been amassed this year suggesting that something cataclysmic is about to occur–or maybe that it already has. Our young president, for instance, continues to be hounded by indications of demonological involvement. There is no doubt that Mr. Obama has been routinely surrounded by portents of a demonic nature, beginning with his inability to avoid flies, many of which seem to lite on his face with almost preternatural frequency. Then there was that period during which he was buzzed by bees on several occasions, even to the extent that the yearly Easter egg roll was threatened by a swarm. Rodents were video-taped scampering across his presidential podium, and on one occasion the presidential seal simply fell off.
This year, while visiting his optional homeland of Kenya on July 25th, Mr. Obama paused to lecture a group of government leaders in Nairobi regarding the importance of Gay rights despite their polite request that he omit the subject from his remarks. But it wasn’t until he began joking about a possible third term as president that some insist a demon ran in front of him and created a blur on the video feed. A video engineer who talked to WorldNewsDaily told them: “The image does look like some type of other-worldly being, but I’m sure everyone’s own imagination will conjure up what they would like it to be.” Actually, we’re pretty much okay with “other-worldly being,” although spoilsport secularists have, of course, offered a variety of mundane explanations insufficiently entertaining to enumerate here.
WOOF’s annual DOOMSDAY prediction!
Okay, if you’re reading this, you are probably safe. Not that reading WOOF keeps you safe from doom and destruction—we haven’t got that kind of pull. But the latest forecast of the end of the world was issued by frantic bloggers following NASA’s announcement that an asteroid is due to pass Earth at a speed of 78,000 mph missing us by a mere 498,896 km, which is commie talk for about 310,000 miles. Alarming to many doomsayers is the fact that NASA discovered this asteroid only two weeks prior to its predicted fly-by because,”The asteroid is on an extremely eccentric and a high inclination orbit.” High inclination orbits are evidently pesky to spot, and the blogosphere is understandably concerned that NASA, which famously crashed a Mars vehicle into the Martian surface because it forgot to perform a basic metric conversion, may have messed up these calculations too—or may simply be hiding the terrible truth to keep us calm on the eve of destruction. Nonsense! WOOF fearlessly predicts that the asteroid will miss Earth just as NASA suggests. And like we said, if you’re reading this, it already missed us—and if it actually hit us…our prediction won’t require a retraction, now, will it!
NEWS UPDATE: Okay, as of October 31st it turns out the asteroid is not an asteroid! The US space agency’s Infrared Telescope Facility (IRTF) on Mauna Kea, Hawaii, has presuaded NASA that “the celestial object is more than likely a dead comet that has shed its volatiles after numerous passes around the sun.” Scientists also agree that “an eerie skull-like resemblance” is noticeable on the face of the rock. Coincidence? Judge for yourselves, gentle readers!
The return of NIBIRU!
Apropos of collisions with earth: We thought we’d persuaded everybody to stop worrying about “planet X” otherwise known as Nibiru, back in December of 2012 when it failed to materialize and destroy earth exactly as we said it wouldn’t. But apparently not everybody believed us. Back then we explained “the whole theory of Nibiru [supposedly a rogue planet in a long elliptical orbit passing near earth every 3,600 years] is derived from the works of the late Zecharia Sitchin and his semi-famous interpretations of Babylonian and Sumerian mythology, and the problem with believing this is that a) it was mythology—hello? And b) Sitchin himself denied any connection between his work and various claims of an impending apocalypse” and we figured that would settle the matter, especially when Nibiru failed to sideswipe us as predicted in 2012. But no, a couple of weeks ago, one Melissa Huffman took video of a brightly gleaming light source in the Florida sky while remarking, ‘Just look at that planet beaming and shining right now, somebody tells me what it is!’ The video indeed shows a brightly glowing disc below the setting sun, thus Nibiru’s fan base has re-emerged posting comments like “’It’s definitely Nibiru” and “Me and many folk with me have been waiting for this to show up for years. Ancient records state that once The Destroyer is ‘visible to the world’, we have 40 days to prepare!” But nobody need bother, really.
NASA has explained that ‘Nibiru and other stories about wayward planets are an internet hoax,’ adding ‘Obviously, it does not exist.’ WOOF concurs. Despite its existence having been denied by NASA, Nibiru nevertheless does not exist. The mysterious object in Huffman’s video has been explained as a mirage caused by ice particles in the atmosphere reflecting the sun, although we think it is more probably a garden variety UFO mother ship. In either case, no impending collision is likely.
Halloween WITCH HUNT update!
There are relatively few newsworthy witch hunts going on this October, except for the annual media quest to locate professing practitioners of the dark arts and interview them for Halloween-themed programs. But one odd event stands out. Only last month the United States Air Force convened a tribunal to hear the case of an Air Force dental technician from the Epes Dental Clinic at Fort Meade, who was allegedly fired for “practicing witchcraft and bringing demons into the office,” to which certain “devout Christians” apparently objected. Michael Weinstein of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation announced that the accused witch, Deborah Schoenfield, was subjected to “horrid harassment” by coworkers who in turn insisted she was engaged in satanic practices. Less recently, Mr. Weinstein also pronounced it “horrid” that Air Force recruiters were allegedly quoting Jesus to potential enlistees. Perhaps at that time he was not yet an advocate of Military Religious Freedom. As for Deborah Schoenfield, the Air Force says she was actually fired for “using profanity,” but that doesn’t seem particularly unmilitary. WOOF finds the Air Force’s treatment of Schoenfield all the more perplexing juxtaposed to its expansion of the Air Force academy’s worship facilities in Colorado Springs to include an $80,000 outdoor “henge” for followers of alternative religions, including “Wiccans, druids, witches, and followers of similar belief systems…”
The point, says Chaplain Maj. Darren Duncan – is that “we’re here to accommodate all religions, period. We think we are setting the standard.” WOOF has inquired twice as to whether human sacrifices of the Celtic or Incan variety, and/or the pagan “Great Rite” (traditionally involving sexual intercourse and orgasm) will be occurring in conformity with the Academy’s newly enunciated standard, and whether seating will be available for the ecumenically curious—but so far no response.
And talking about the weather….
While on the subject of Pagan Festivals and government, allow us to remind you that 2015 marked the second convening of Iceland’s Secret Solstice, “an annual three-day outdoor international music festival” held entirely in daylight (because the sun doesn’t set at this time of year in Reykjavik). Did you miss it this year? Obviously there is nothing particularly secret about “Secret Solstice” and the organizers want it to become even less secret, and good weather is vital in promoting success. But why is the British Government ostensibly assisting in ensuring sunshine? The Icelandic magazine Visir insists that British scientists arrived in Reykjavik “with a machine that reportedly keeps the weather temporarily sunny and dry, and it was used for the Secret Solstice festival.”
Visir insists that this is the second year these scientists showed up “with the express purpose of ensuring good weather at the festival.” Festival organizer Jakob FrímannMagnusson initially refused to comment on the matter, so we figured it had to be true. Speculation rages as to the nature of the British weather machine, with many claiming it is a version of Wilhelm Reich’s “cloudbuster.” The late Dr. Reich originally intended the machine to harness “cosmic orgone energy” for the dispersal of rain clouds—although he later discovered it also shot down UFOs, which he detailed in letters to the United States Air Force and in his 1957 book Contact with Space. WOOF is not making this up.
Other theorists are holding out for Nicola Tesla’s method of generating electromagnetic transmissions to neutralize unpleasant weather over a radius of about one mile. Concert organizer Magnusson finally cracked under pressure and admitted that UK technology was indeed employed to produce perfect weather, insisting “the method has existed for years,” and, of course, assuring reporters that “It’s a simple and environmentally friendly technique with no long-term effects.” But that’s what they said about Agent Orange, isn’t it? Nobody, by the way, has explained why Britain is deploying this technology to help festival goers enjoy a “secret” solstice in Iceland—but WOOF continues to investigate!
Speaking of GOOGLE and the annihilation of humankind….
WOOF feels constrained to admit that in the battle to save us from death by artificial intelligence (hereinafter referred to as AI), the good folks at Google seem to be in the vanguard. An “ethics board” has been established by Google to make certain none of the search giant’s technicians accidentally permits AI to enslaves us, or worse—renders the human race prey to AI’s supposed genocidal impulses.
Even as Google joins forces with the British tech firm DeepMinds in pursuit of computers that think more like humans (can that be good?) warnings abound from both organizations that artificial intelligence is the ‘number one risk for this century.” DeepMinds founder, Shane Legg, went on record cheerily predicting that “Eventually, I think human extinction will probably occur, and technology will likely play a part in this.” Well, anything for progress.
While many of us worry that nuclear-enabled Iranians, for instance, may blast Israel off the map while farming out additional warheads to their terrorist compatriots for detonation in the West, the more advanced thinkers at Google are focused on the rise of the robots, so to speak. Google formed its ethics board in the certainty that AI poses the “number one risk for this century.” Can this be so? Apparently AI is even more dangerous than global warming, college rape culture, and the NRA put together!
It may be recalled that WOOF reported last October that Elon Musk of the Tesla Corporation was more or less giggled off the stage while warning that AI would exterminate mankind, but he is now joined by Google, DeepMinds and the ubiquitous Stephen Hawking who took time away from cautioning us against contacting extraterrestrials long enough to place his signature on a letter from “leading experts” complaining that AI will ultimately doom our species (if the ETs don’t get us first, presumably). Professor Hawking repeated his concerns in the journal Science where he averred that AI could wipe us out if permitted to proceed unregulated, but added, “I’m not aware of any large movement calling for regulation either inside or outside AI, because we don’t know how to write such a regulation.” So there’s your problem!
ZOMBIE apocalypse averted!
One Christopher Paquin, 23, was beaten to death only this month by his friend, Damon Perry, 23, in Grants, New Mexico after Mr. Perry perceived that Mr. Paquin was turning into a zombie. Responding officers stated that when they arrived at the scene Perry was brandishing a knife and explained that while binge viewing The Walking Dead on television, Paquin became a zombie and began to attack him and bite him. Frightened for his person, Mr. Perry was able to subdue Mr. Paquin by hitting him over the head several times with a guitar, and then once with a microwave. Sadly, Mr, Paquin was pronounced dead at the scene. Police have not volunteered any information as to the likelihood that Mr. Perry, having been bitten, may also become a zombie, or what will be done with him in that event. Fans of the Walking Dead series assure WOOF that microwaves have never been used to assault zombies on the show—but apparently they are effective, as Mr. Paquin remains dead.
WOOKIES going to the DARK SIDE?
The well known Wookie, Chewbacca, who rose to popularity as the result of his role in the original Star Wars movie in which he appeared as himself, was arrested this week in the city of Odessa in the Ukraine and charged with electioneering. Apparently Mr. Chewbacca was campaigning on behalf of his candidate (Darth Vader) on the day of an election—which is contrary to Ukrainian law. The somewhat disheveled Wookie was subdued by officers and escorted to a nearby courtroom where he was fined the equivalent of $7.50. Sadly, the once highly-paid motion picture personality could not produce the funds, claiming that his savings are stored in an intergalactic bank with no branches on this planet. Mr. Chewbacca did not explain what led him to devote his efforts to electing Mr. Vader, whose Dark Side party has long been at odds with Wookies politically.
EVOLUTION marches on!
It turns out Carlos Danger isn’t the only Weiner bearing some semblance to homo sapiens! As evolutionary science reels from the discovery that humans are not, after all, descended from Neanderthals (except to the extent that some hanky panky appears to have occasionally conjoined the two species) and with many of us still numb to epochal evolutionary claims since the 1953 admission that Piltdown Man was not the missing link after all, but rather a clumsy hodgepodge of orangutan and human cranial components somehow foisted on the scientific community even before the advent of Krazy Glue— the demand that DNA verification accompany all claims of interrelatedness with mankind has become an anthropological sin qua non. Readers may rest assured, therefore, that WOOF has made every effort to certify the authenticity of evidence recently adduced by scientists in Menlo Park, California, and the facts are inescapable.
Much of the information uncovered by the researchers was mundane. Readers will not be surprised to learn that some hot dogs labeled pork-free were found to contain pork –a Levitical faux pas to be sure, but hardly shocking. Other brands failed to fully enumerate the varieties of meat comprising the product, but again, this is hardly astonishing. The bombshell came further down in the study. Unbelievable as it may seem, two percent of the tested hot dogs contained “substantial amounts” of human DNA! Join us, beloved readers, in contemplating the implications! Can it be possible that hot dogs are related to, or even the progenitors of modern man? Does the hot dog/homo erectus link represent a per saltum leap in evolution artificially induced through genetic manipulation by space aliens? Is eating a hot dog containing human DNA an act of cannibalism? WOOF will pursue these possibilities relentlessly, rest assured. Meanwhile, because we care, the weenies that tested purest included all kosher brands, Oscar Mayer’s Premium Jumbo Beef Franks, and all Butterball products. Bon appetite!
Aliens from Space Award
And now, our yearly examination of the alien situation—meaning space aliens, not the ones being imported by the Administration. Last month a team led by Tabetha Suzanne Boyajian, an astronomer and post-doctoral fellow at Yale, published a report about a mysterious star 1,481 light-years from Earth.
The star in question is KIC 8462852, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that the Kepler space telescope shows the star’s light decreases up to 20% as the result of the orbit of a “vast object” that cannot be a star because it doesn’t emit light, and cannot be a planet because its orbit precludes that possibility. So what is it? Aliens!
“Aliens should always be the very last hypothesis you consider, but this looked like something you would expect an alien civilization to build,” said Jason Wright, an astrophysicist from Pennsylvania State University. Wright has suggested that an alien civilization is responsible for the object, which he thinks may be a Dyson sphere—an artificial structure that would theoretically harness a star’s energy for use by an advanced civilization.
Rest assured, readers, that Tabby Boyajian and her loyal team of astronomers are on this case and we will bring you updates as they occur. Meanwhile, please disregard the Internet chatter to the effect that our government already knows about this alien civilization and has already established contact with them. That’s ridiculous. Experts uniformly agree that any government revelation of contact with space aliens would devastate our religious beliefs, send the economy into a tailspin, and erase any semblance of respect for law and order. In other words, if it were true, President Obama would definitely have told us!