As we always explain at the outset of these birthday reviews, it’s once again the anniversary of WOOF’s entrance upon the cyberspacial stage, which is to say, in a less self-absorbed context, that it is once again Halloween. And as we also remark every year, it just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first hesitant and shabbily configured post on October 31, 2012. And here we are, four years later, the same dedicated band of jovial troglodytic counter-revolutionaries ensconced in our secret cave on the rocky coast of the tempestuous Atlantic, wishing ourselves another happy birthday.
As always, in keeping with the season, we now proceed to document the spookiest phenomena of the year to date, and this–we regret to say–means paying special attention this year to the scariest idea since demonic possession was re-popularized in the ‘70s (which was a pretty scary decade, by the way), by which we mean Hillary Clinton becoming President. And that thought conjures a variety of terror that aficionados of the horror genre call “manifest.” In a way, it is the least sophisticated aspect of the art—the part of the movie where the monster appears and comes right at you. Sure, it’s scary, but overtly–almost cathartically so–and never quite so viscerally unnerving as the deeper psychological impact of its subtler counterpart, “implicit” terror.
For example, think about the parts in those teen slasher flicks where some supernaturally unvanquishable creature—say, Michael Meyers, or the other guy–the guy in the hockey mask–shows himself and begins lumbering after the screaming teenage coed, knife swishing around menacingly, massive figure looming, dead eyes beaming cold homicidality…all on the big screen….that’s manifest horror. Okay, Mrs. Clinton doesn’t have a knife, but otherwise it’s the same idea. The point is that regardless of whether we’re gaping at Jason or Hillary, the threat is right before our eyes, and while our adrenaline may be pumping uncontrollably, there is at least the oddly comforting realization that this is it–a stark confrontation with a malevolent creature from the Pit. Hillary Clinton increasingly embodies that ghastly mythologem: the malignant crone of a thousand goose-bump-raising folktales–stumbling and wobbling toward the prize as if upheld by some occult force—and we watch helplessly, captives of a waking nightmare. But as in most nightmares, something nameless exerts an even darker influence on our souls, and strikes us with an even greater fear…
And deeper fears….
The most terrifying influences are psychological—and deeply so, in ways that incorporate those equally vital elements: suspense, and trepidation. Isn’t it scarier watching the coeds wander around outdoors with their dorky candles and flashlights, looking for whatever made the creepy noise outside their cabin, than it is to watch the monster chase them? Or at least unsettling in a creepier, more insidious way? These subtler manifestations of the macabre remind us of Lovecraft’s decree that “the oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is…of the unknown.”
The CREEPING UNKNOWN, 2016….
And what dimly intuited dread gnaws at the peace of mind of everyday, red-blooded Americans, you ask? Well, okay, you didn’t really ask—but since we have a reply ready to hand, we’re going to pretend you did so we can tell you the answer. Perhaps it’s already occurred to you, or you may have jammed it so deeply into your unconscious that it only occasionally pecks at your awareness like an abreactive vulture—but the answer is: All those other Americans! Seriously, who are they?
Take that TV show about sympathetic communist spies—what makes such a reprehensible formula salable outside the febrile sanctums of Hollywood? How did we get from Richard Carlson punching out commies for America in I Led Three Lives (1953-1956) to the current fare in which good-guy commies punch out properly degenerate capitalistic Americans? You may feel prompted to reply, “Aha, because so many of our fellow citizens are strangely dislocated from the American ethos; that’s what you’re getting at!” And yes, that’s part of the answer—but why do the rest of us watch? We believe a substantial subset of viewers are half-knowingly in search of answers—seeking to understand these others who come advertised as “The Americans.” And our curiosity seems justified given how many others traipsed distraitly to the polls only four years ago to re-elect the first blatantly anti-American president in our national history. Who are these people, and what on earth befell them between birth and their collective transfigurement? What hidden force controls them; what infernal delusions motivate them?
We haven’t kept count of how many seed-pods-in-the-basement jokes Glenn Beck has made recently, but they’re nothing to laugh at. The seed-pod trope has endured in popular vernacular longer than its origins have lingered in popular memory. Just as thousands of water-cooler debaters exhort dissenting co-workers to “just keep drinking that kool-aid” without the foggiest notion of what happened in Jonestown, Guiana, so polemicists like Beck avert to “pod people” without giving any particular thought to which pop-cultural event begat the image. But here at WOOF we’ve been giving it plenty of thought. (You probably saw that coming, right?)
The 1956 film Invasion of the Body Snatchers originated the pod-people allusion. The average citizen may not recall this minor masterpiece from Don Siegel and Walter Wanger, but graduates of college film courses recall it. That’s because contemporary professors of the cinematic arts loftily reference the film as a blatant example of that era’s greatest evil: McCarthyism. The lectures never vary. Students learn that science fiction films of the 1950’s sought to recast the Red Menace as invaders from space, thus offering film-goers a cathartic release from their cold-war “paranoia.” Mostly, of course, this is unvarnished flapdoodle—but in the case of Body Snatchers, the pundits have a valid point. What they uniformly omit from their critiques, of course, is that McCarthy had a valid point too. He saw the Body Snatchers coming.
“Call the FBI!…Oh, wait…”
Are we seriously suggesting that a movie about seed pods from space materializing in peoples’ basements in small town America and gradually growing to resemble and ultimately replace the unsuspecting townsfolk, offers some sort of vital sociopolitical insight for our times? Yes. In fact, what critic Leonard Maltin called the picture’s “McCarthy-era subtext” powerfully depicts the undiscerning insouciance of ordinary Americans who fail to notice friends, loved ones, and trusted authorities transforming into monotonic doppelgangers bent on subverting the very culture they inhabit. The town physician (played by the coincidentally appellated Kevin McCarthy) notices, but he can’t get anyone to believe him. Aware that the pod people replace humans while they sleep, the doctor fills his pockets with Benzedrine, grabs his extremely beautiful if incongruously British fiancée (Dana Wynter) and makes a break for it.
“Yes, it’s an emergency!”
Dana must have forgotten to take her Benzedrine because she falls asleep and gets co-opted by the space commies, but (Kevin) McCarthy escapes to a neighboring town where he explains the situation to law enforcement. Understandably, the cops send in a psychiatrist who is about to ship our hero off to a padded cell when suddenly, compelling evidence turns up from another source that verifies his story. The last line in the movie is spoken by the suddenly-persuaded psychiatrist who snatches up the office phone and thunders, “Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Yes, it’s an emergency!”
Today, the creepiest mystery haunting America is the rationally incomprehensible transformation of nearly half the population into what less gracious blogs might call brainwashed, zombified stooges. Who are these pod citizens who pursue their petty amusements while the Constitution is mocked, the President legislates, Supreme Court Justices toy with their fundamental liberties, and our exchequer is bled dry? Who are the Americans shrugging indifferently as their health care is sabotaged, their children rendered clueless by Common Core, their safety jeopardized by government-approved racial strife, their Joint Chiefs replaced with sycophantic careerists, their Internet handed off to a consortium of thugs, and their economy deliberately incapacitated? Do these people have seed pods in their basements? Are they the hapless victims of some sinister mind-control device? Oh, and about that….
WOOF’s annual THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE award….
Speaking of sinister mind control,the liberal media receive this year’s thing-that-would-not-die award. Of all the cultural monstrosities that beleaguer us, they remain the most conspicuously undead. The final phases of journalistic decomposition, like the final throes of rabies, seem to be the most frenzied and delirious. True, this may be the last major election the media can so shamelessly skew. Surveys suggest that only 6 percent of Americans trust the news nowadays, and (mirabile dictu!) Democrats trust it more than all other categories of respondents. The willingness of pod-voters to cast off the blessings of liberty in exchange for statism’s illusory gewgaws may be at least partly ascribable to massive doses of daily media misdirection.
Today, even if some freshly aroused citizen were to suddenly take note of the creeping terror at his doorstep, snatch up his phone and demand, ““Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation!” What good would it do? When James Comey proves unwilling to pursue justice if the result might embarrass the Clinton political machine; and subsequent revelations reveal that the Bureau’s chief function during the Hillary investigation consisted of handing out immunity to her accomplices like party favors–it becomes obvious that even America’s vaunted G-Men have slumbered, and fallen victim to the Body Snatchers. But this brings us to RUNNER UP for our thing-that-would-not-die category—the perennial Anthony Weiner! If we can credit the latest news flashes, Director Comey now seems poised to redeem his organization by renewing the Clinton investigation; and this because “new evidence” has appeared—and the “new evidence” comes, apparently, by way of the Bureau’s investigation of the Weiner scandal–meaning that Hillary may be sucked into “Weinergate” through Huma Abedin’s cell phone. And that, Woofeteers, is a sentence that could only have been written this Halloween!
It takes a GLOBAL village?
At May’s National Catholic Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C., Cardinal Robert Sarah opined that in the United States, “God is being eroded, eclipsed,liquidated, in the name of ‘tolerance’.” As evidence, Sarah cited “the legalization of same sex marriage, the obligation to accept contraception within health care programs, and ‘bathroom bills’ that allow men to use women’s restrooms and locker rooms.” And as if that weren’t offensive enough to the sensibilities of his contemporaries, the Cardinal ended with an even more intolerable microaggression, asking “Should not a biological man use the men’s restroom?” But then, Cardinal Sarah is from Guinea, West Africa, and can be forgiven the archaic bias or two. It is peculiar, isn’t it, how often a proper understanding of multiculturalism seems lost on foreigners!
Yes, globalism’s mission to spread the joys of corporatist collusion, U.N. corruption and “social justice” by fiat, may be threatened by a handful of theological reactionaries. Fay Voshell, for instance, argued in the September 4th American Thinker that globalism constitutes a form of secular religion conducing toward a “world order in which all men pay allegiance to elite priests who rule over a World City without national borders.” Demonstrating a theological mind set completely at odds with America’s mainstream churches, Voshell went on to argue that such concepts are, in fact, objectionable. Wallace Henley, senior associate pastor of 2nd Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, called “the global governance scenario” “terrifying,” while Pastor Jim Garlow of Skyline Church in San Diego went so far as to call globalism “demonic at its core.” Globalism, it seems, has a bitter-clinger problem.
Not all opponents of globalism are Bible-belt rustics, however. George Mason University Law School Professor Jeremy Rabkin–who is immune to accusations of fundamentalist dementia by virtue of being Jewish, which means that people like Hillary can only deprecate his heritage privately or in emails–published The Case for Sovereignty: Why The World Should Welcome American Independence, in which he argues for American exceptionalism, a concept uniformly appalling to Leftists. More to the point, Rabkin told an interviewer that globalism is “a little creepy, a little uncanny. It’s basically saying ‘We are going to organize the world in a way that establishes an artificial consensus.’ It’s not enough to say it’s undemocratic. It’s threatening; it’s almost demonic.”
The devil, you say!
Well, what if it’s not almost demonic? In 2004, an official decree from Pope John Paul II instructed every Catholic diocese to appoint a qualified exorcist. Pope Francis, despite his reputation for exhibiting dishearteningly progressive views on sundry matters, is known to support the rite of exorcism wholeheartedly. In fact, Francis himself performed an informal exorcism on a wheelchair-bound parishioner two years ago. What’s up?
“We have a very secularized society in which, more than in the past, there’s the tendency to open the doors to occultism,” explains Father Pedro Barrajon, director of the Vatican’s Instituto Sacerdos. Fortunately there are experts on hand like Italian priest Gabriele Amorth, who has personally cast out 160,000 demons and heads the Catholic International Association of Exorcists—did you know that was even a thing? Amorth’s organization agrees that demonic activity is on the rise—and warns against such subtle seductions as ouija boards…and yoga. Suddenly Hillary’s rush to delete those 30,000 yoga-related emails makes sense!
Father Amorth went public earlier this month with concerns that his Church may not be able to hold the line against Lucifer. In Italy, at least, young priests are quailing at the thought of performing exorcisms, declaring the process too terrifying. “There are only nine of us left and many more are needed,” Amorth lamented. “We need other priests like me to meet the needs of so many families.”
Fortunately, Americans are made of sterner stuff. Sociologist Michael Cuneo insists that “Exorcism is more readily available today in the United States than perhaps ever before,” adding that “there are at least five or six hundred evangelical exorcism ministries in operation today, and quite possibly two or three times this many.” But to date, only Mexico has undergone a national exorcism. Last May, Spain’s noted exorcism expert, Fr José Antonio Fortea, joined forces with Cardinal Juan Sandoval Íñiguez, Archbishop Emeritus of Guadalajara in performing the rare “exorcismo magno,” an effort to deliver the entire country from demonic possession. Should the United States contemplate such a self-administered cleansing? Or just build a wall in case the effort in Mexico fails?
Demons even go viral in sonograms—like the one featured in The Daily Mail last January. The sonogram is real, although the mother prefers to remain anonymous. The Mail’s readers claimed to see a demonic entity watching the developing baby. WOOF’s Readers may be relieved to learn that several authenticated sonograms have also appeared in which an image of Jesus was detected, (see example below for reassurance).
And as if all that weren’t weird enough, author Michael Snyder warns that near-exact replicas of the arch over the entrance to the Temple of Baal in Palmyra, Syria, have been constructed in Times Square and Trafalgar Square. Reuters confirmed the simultaneous unveilings, timed, many believe, to coincide with the occult festival of Baal. Sources including Breitbart and O’Reilly have featured reports about the twin arches, which Snyder fears will serve as “giant welcome signs for the Antichrist.” “From this point forward,” he predicts, ” things are going to get much, much stranger.” We at WOOF are prepared to go out on a limb, and endorse Snyder’s prediction!
There have been signs!
Meanwhile, the baffling fascination insects display for socialist totalitarians-manque continues to dominate our “signs” category. Not only did bees pester Obama everywhere he went during his first term–he seemed incapable of keeping flies from landing on his face during speeches. Many dismissed this as happenstance, and sensibly reasoned that if insects were sending other-worldly messages by swarming Obama, they would presumably target other progressive reprobates. This quieted our nerves at WOOF until the second Hillary/Trump debate. Hillary no sooner began screaking about her absurd plan to enforce a Syrian “no-fly zone,” than a fly planted itself determinedly above her left eye. Naturally this led us to consult Grayson Moseley Straith, WOOF’s own paranormal adviser, regarding the portent of these manifestations. Grayson replied that evidence of demonic involvement would be lacking, “unless the individuals made no effort to swat or wipe away the insects–as though powerless to do so.” So now we’re really worried!
Even worse! The Antichrist is Barack Hussein Obama. We didn’t say that, Michelle Bachmann did–or at least she pretty much did. Check her out here. The beautiful conservative and former House member insists that Obama’s next ambition is to assume the top slot at the United Nations “and become King of the World.” Despite the high regard in which we hold the congresswoman, WOOF continues to believe that Rappin’ Preezy is too sissified and dorky to qualify as the Antichrist. For that matter, the United Nations is pretty sissified and dorky too…so we maintain that while Obama may be possessed, he is almost certainly not the Antichrist. We qualify our opinion only because SNOPES bothered to rebut Bachmann’s claims at great length, thereby lending them a modicum of credence.
Annual Halloween WITCH HUNT update!
Our yearly witch-hunt update begins in sub-West Africa where the Republic of Ghana is rounding up thousands of alleged witches and stuffing them into internment camps. British High Commissioner Jon Benjamin felt prompted to demand the camps be closed. Obviously a man with little regard for multiculturalism, Benjamin bridled at suggestions he should respect local beliefs, rejoining, “Personally, I believe in the 21st Century it’s time to say there is no such thing as a witch and to decry the practice of using such a term to dehumanise vulnerable women.” To what extent the Commissioner’s comments may have offended Wiccans is not immediately clear, but they made no discernible impression on the Ghanaians.
Socialists everywhere may wish to pay special heed to the Republic of Benin this year, where the government announced that witchcraft explains why some people are more successful than others, and proposed state-sponsored counter-magical efforts to ensure an even playing field for its citizens. Perhaps “income inequality” is banishable by magic? President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia, meanwhile, complains that he’s the target of evil spells. Despite Amnesty International’s objections, Gambia has already arrested over 1,000 witches suspected of anti-Jammehian spellweaving. Not to be outdone, Saudi Arabia has now created a total of nine anti-witchcraft bureaus which, according to the Arab News, have “achieved remarkable success.” In a recent case, witch-busters broke into the home of a suspected sorceress who, according to authorities, was caught in the act of casting a spell while naked, but eluded arrest by flying out her window, “like a bird!” Her flying abilities apparently gave way a few blocks from her apartment and she plunged through a rooftop, landing near a bed filled with sleeping children. There, the Witch Police found her unconscious and cuffed her before she could regain her senses and fly off.
According to the Times of India for March 17th, Agra played host to “a horrifying incident, [in which] a man, who suspected his sister-in-law of practicing witchcraft and black magic on his family, chopped off her head with a sharp edged chopper in village Gadhia in the Mainpuri district of Uttar Pradesh on Thursday.” The man, one Uttam (making him Uttam from Uttar, but we digress), blamed his sister-in-law, Dhandevi, the deceased alleged witch, for performing rites of sorcery leading to the death of his brother Thakur. We cannot help mentioning, in the interest of objectivity, that the Times’ most upvoted comment regarding the incident came from one Harrison H. McDonald, who remarked:
“The fellow could have been correct. There are lots of witches flying around out there. One of them is running for President of the United States.”
And while we note that Mr. McDonald did not specify a candidate, evidence that Hillary is an occultic witch of the Illuminati is abundantly available at various Internet locations like this one. And lest you dismiss such conjecture out of hand, gentle readers, consider that the international belief in witchcraft remains surprisingly robust. Even in the civilized West a poll of Canadians and British subjects found that 13 percent believed in witches, while almost a quarter of Americans do. Naturally, WOOF made an exhaustive effort to locate survey data indicating what percentage of likely voters would knowingly support a witch’s presidential candidacy, but surprisingly, no such studies exist.
“You mean, like Democrats?”
Zombies are bigger than ever, of course– which continues to baffle those of us who thought they hit their stride when they recorded “She’s Not There”– but films, TV programs, and video games remain infested with the creatures. So what, exactly, is a zombie? Our favorite description derives from the 1940 comedy classic Ghost Breakers. In the film, Bob Hope and co-star Paulette Goddard find themselves in the tropics and beset by zombies. Baffled, they ask a local (played by Richard Carlson) for advice. Carlson explains that zombies have been raised from the dead. “That sounds horrible!” Goddard gasps. “It’s worse than horrible,” Carlson tells her,”because a zombie has no will of his own. You see them sometimes, walking around blindly, with dead eyes–following orders, not knowing what they do–not caring.” Hearing this, Hope asks “You mean like Democrats?”
The zombie Democrat theory got a boost of sorts when Hillary continued campaigning after her death was announced by ABC news. On the evening of Hillary’s panicky exit from the 9/11 memorial followed by her sidewalk collapse, anchorman Joe Torres began his six o’clock news broadcast on New York’s WABC by saying, “Good evening. We begin with Hillary Clinton’s death.” Adding to the episode’s surreal atmosphere, the program’s co-anchor continued smiling placidly through Torres’s dire pronouncement, as though she considered it settled history. Pressured for the facts, WABC dismissed Torres’s shocking lead as “a misstatement,” but rumor held that in reality, Torres had departed from contemporary journalistic standards and blurted out the truth. The rumor gained stature when a tweet materialized purporting to show a screen shot of ABC’s webpage confirming that Clinton “died under hospital treatment at Montefiore Medical Hospital.” In a rational era, the subsequent inability of anybody to locate such a posting on ABC’s site might have sufficed to discredit the tweet as a hoax; but in Obama’s America–where liberal news networks notoriously expunge or dramatically alter any website items displeasing to their DNC overlords–the post was rumored to have been stricken on orders from the campaign.
Rumors quickly multiplied, including the notion that the woman who emerged feeling “great!” from Chelsea Clinton’s apartment was Hillary’s body double. Twitter and the blogosphere blazed with support for this theory, mostly highlighting the putative differences in Mrs. Clinton’s figure and/or physiognomy before and after her widely viewed face-plant into her limousine. But even more ghoulish possibilities haunt our thoughts in the WOOF cave. After all, could a body double replace Hillary and also stumble like her? Screech like her? Pop her eyes out or cough like her, or phrase obviously focus-grouped rhetoric in those same painfully artificial tones? It seems impossible. Which brings us to…..
WOOF’S SECOND ANNUAL “COLANDER OF DOOM” AWARD!
What if Hillary recently underwent a head transplant? No, really. The internationally-renowned neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero (this year’s recipient of our Colander-of-Doom award) proposed the transplantation of human heads several years ago, explaining the process in a series of scientifically credible monographs detailing his plans to re-animate lifeless bodies (after attaching his patients’ heads to them) with massive jolts of electrical current. In keeping with this markedly Gothic paradigm, Dr. Canavero turned to Germany for funding. “Today, I am officially asking Germany to help me realize the first cephalosomatic anastomosis in human history on German soil,” he announced, imploring Germans to “live up to what you are, a country that has set standards in medicine and technology for centuries.” Okay, that’s a little creepy.
But even as Canavero petitioned the Fatherland, a seemingly unrelated news item surfaced in an unlikely venue. The Washington Post reviewed Hillary’s misdeeds as Secretary of State in a manner shockingly close to the truth, concluding that “rarely, if ever, has a potential commander in chief been so closely associated with an organization [her own Foundation] that has solicited financial support from foreign governments.” And of the governments named, the United Arab Emirates and Germany figured most prominently. And since no thinking person would consider having her head transplanted in the United Arab Emirates, that leaves Germany, whose financiers’ interactions with the Clinton Cartel almost certainly include machinations that could prove ruinous if exposed. In such an atmosphere, a mutual willingness to grant occasional favors is understandable. One such favor might involve an affirmative response to Dr. Canavero’s seemingly ridiculous demand for funding. And indeed, just when things looked bleakest for cephalosomatic anastomosis, German funds were made available. True, WOOF has not yet obtained specific evidence that Mrs.Clinton was secretly transported to Germany for a head transplant, but like James Comey–our investigation continues.
The unquiet dead…
And lest you suppose, gentle readers, that zombies and politics never mix, consider how often dead people win elections! Take the case of Kansas City Councilwoman Hila “Dutch” Bucher Newman (D.) who ruled as Grande Dame of Missouri’s liberal establishment for decades. Mrs Newman died of old age–thrilled that she had survived to see Hillary Clinton (whom she eulogized routinely) receive the presidential nomination. And despite nationwide torrents of dutifully hagiographic testimonials lamenting her demise, Councilwoman Dutch Newman was re-elected on Aug. 3rd, one week after dying at age 95. Nobody, apparently, dared suggest she relinquish her seat.
Also in Missouri, back in 2000, a lifeless Governor Mel Carnahan (D) defeated incumbent U.S. Senator John Ashcroft (R). The Governor was known to have died in a plane crash a month earlier, but he somehow managed to soldier on, winning the seat from Ashcroft who was certifiably alive, although never ostentatiously so. And in keeping with our Halloween missing-aircraft tradition, what about House Majority Leader Hale Boggs and Rep. Nick Begich? The plane carrying both politicians disappeared over Alaska on Oct. 16th, 1972–and not a trace of them or their plane was ever found despite exhaustive searching. And if you think that’s spooky, consider this–not one, but both missing Democrats won re-election. Coincidence?
Florida Democrat Earl K. Wood died several weeks before the 2012 election yet managed to secure a twelfth term as Orange County’s Tax Collector in Orlando, Florida. In 2010, Carl Geary won a landslide Mayoral victory in Tracy City, Tennessee, despite dying a month earlier. In 2009, Mayor Harry Stonebraker (D), was laid to rest weeks before he was swept to re-election by 90 percent of the vote in Winfield, Missouri. In 2008, Patsy Mink died of pneumonia one week after winning the Democratic primary for Hawaii’s second congressional district, but mysteriously remained on the ballot and won hands down, as it were.
Back in 1992 the New York Times endorsed Ted Weiss for re-election to congress from Manhattan’s West Side. The article acknowledged that Weiss was dead, having succumbed to heart failure days earlier, but encouraged voters to support his ticket anyway inasmuch as Weiss’s opponent was “a right-wing extremist.” In those days, of course, the Times had subscribers–many of whom filed obediently to the poles handing Weiss a post-morbid walkaway (so to speak) of 54,168 votes to the hapless extremist’s 7,560. The grisly question naturally presents itself–how many dead Democrat candidates are elected by majorities of equally dead Democrat voters?
Alarm was raised earlier this year concerning this very issue when J. Christian Adam, former Voting Section Attorney at the US Department of Justice, confirmed that “Dead people are voting!” As evidence, Adam cited a Pew Charitable Trust review of national voting roles that turned up nearly four million dead people who were deemed likely voters, many of whom appear to exercise their franchise regularly from beyond the grave. Astonishingly, irrespective of their politics when alive, dead people almost always vote a straight Democratic ticket—is that because their brains are decaying?
And as a postscript to these concerns, surely the emerging data cast an entirely different light on Madonna’s mid-October vow to perform oral sex on everyone who votes for Hillary Clinton this November–the sheer numbers alone seem daunting, and then there’s the whole abuse-of-a-corpse problem. But on the other hand, perhaps she intends to breathe new life (see what we did there?) into the long-foundering Horror Porn genre.
Creepy clown sightings…third annual report!
We at WOOF have been way out in front when it comes to creepy clowns. We began warning you about them in our 2nd birthday post back in 2014, and yet there are more of them now than ever–sort of like liberal celebrities. But the important distinction is that creepy clowns are elusive–and considerably less funny. And now, actual non-creepy clowns are in an uproar about the phenomenon. In fact, we now have an official statement from the World Clown Association to the effect that “People dressed as horror clowns are not ‘real clowns.’ They are taking something innocent and wholesome and perverting it to create fear in their audience.” Accordingly, scores of professional clowns are preparing to participate in a Clown Lives Matter demonstration [which sounds clownishly microaggressive, but who are we to judge?] Nationally-respected talk show host Howie Carr, whose probity we deem unassailable), reports the WCA issued a statement denying that Democrat vice-presidential candidate Tim Kaine is one of them. Kaine meanwhile has yet to address charges that he may be a creepy clown, and WOOF’s inquiries to his office remain (we think tellingly) unanswered. Creepy clowns, meanwhile, are spreading through more states, apparently undeterred by the Worldwide Clown Association’s reprimands.
Vigilant authorities in Alabama warn that anyone complicit in that state’s outbreak of clown appearances will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law—whichever law that might be. In Dublin, Georgia, clowns were implicated in at least one auto accident. Police Chief Tim Chatman told local station 11 Alive that “it was a family member that reported it several hours later — that it was the reason why this accident occurred; because someone was in the road dressed like a clown.” Pressed for details, the Chief added,“We can’t say for certain that someone hasn’t seen anyone looking like a clown.”
When Lebanon, Tennessee experienced a series of clown encounters, the Tennessee Highway Patrol responded swiftly. One Coffee County student claimed she was attacked by one of the baffling bozos, although the story proved difficult to confirm in the absence of the clown. The Highway Patrol’s official bulletin on the subject encouraged citizens to be on the lookout for “suspicious clowns.” And clowns fitting that description turned up soon thereafter in neighboring South Carolina and Kentucky. In South Carolina, citizens of Greenville report a “clown flap” which began on August 21st when coulrophobic callers lit up the switchboard at the Greenville police station. The police were not amused—indeed, the Greenville police chief assured concerned residents that “clowning around will not be tolerated [because] It’s illegal. It’s dangerous. And it’s inappropriate…” and yet inappropriate clowns continue to manifest themselves in South Carolina and at least twelve other states. This has, you may be sure, drawn the attention of the Obama administration (also beset by clowns) which announced only this month that spooky clowns are “sinister,” and to be “taken seriously.” A spokesman for the President told reporters that the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security “have been consulted on how to handle the scare.” So, one assumes the President is focused on the problem like a laser, and a line in the sand may shortly be drawn. Despite these reassuring measures, a newly-released poll from Chapman University shows that 42 percent of Americans are afraid of clowns, whereas only 32 percent are afraid of climate change. We bet the overlap is considerable.
America strikes back!
Meanwhile, citizens have taken matters into their own hands, which is usually more efficient in the age of Obama. During a creepy-clown outbreak in Athens, Georgia, an eleven-year-old girl was discovered with a knife in school. According to police the girl insisted she was carrying the knife “to protect her and her family because she had heard the stories about clowns jumping out of the woods and attacking children.” The story fails to recount how police dealt with the young lady–presumably they commended her civic-mindedness.
When three creepy clowns showed up in Compton, California, they were confronted by angry locals, one of whom dispensed with formalities and landed a right cross on the nearest clown’s jaw. This sent the harlequins scampering–which is difficult in clown shoes. On October 5th, a creepy clown crept up on a car only to be assaulted by the occupants who beat him nearly unconscious with a baseball bat before discovering he was a friend attempting to frighten them. (Better safe, we think, than sorry!) On the same evening, a creepy clown confronted a woman in Auburn, Maine, formed a gloved hand to resemble a gun, and whispered “Bang!” Maine, however, is a legal-carry state, and when the 49-year-old woman pulled her 9 mm automatic, the clown chose the better part of valor and beat feet.
SCARY COSTUMES AND MASKS AWARD
Every fourth Halloween, newscasters rush around interviewing costume shop clerks, revisiting the decades-old hypothesis that mask sales predict election results. This year, we haven’t seen any such stories, possibly because “Trump is the most costume-marketable candidate in history,” according to Courtland Hickey, general manager of Chicago Costume. Thus, the Trumpster is this category’s clear winner. Oddly, despite Hillary leading the polls throughout September and most of October, trick-or-treaters are shunning her masks and stocking up on Trump costumes. Also, where is the fashion craze Mrs. Clinton’s day-glo Mao-Tse-Tung outfits should have ignited? The media unanimously hail her wardrobe as “trendy,” but–where’s the trend? Why aren’t progressive women bursting into toney fashion boutiques, demanding pantsuits à la Hillary? Not since Braniff Airlines painted its passenger jets all sorts of voguish colors (before going bankrupt) has so much eyeball-busting variety been available to the fashion-conscious socialist, yet to date, only Angela Merkel seems to have caught the spirit.
ALIENS FROM SPACE….
John Podesta is our 2016 winner in this category. Bill Clinton’s former Chief of Staff and Hillary’s current campaign chairman is a longtime UFO enthusiast, but that, as the Clintons like to say, is old news. Recent revelations from Wikileaks, however, expose the full intensity of Podesta’s obsession. By his own admission, Podesta tried, during Bill Clinton’s second term, to persuade the Air Force and CIA to allow the White House access to files on Roswell, Area 51, and other saucerological mysteries–but the military-intelligence establishment wouldn’t budge. Recent Asange revelations make clear that Podesta’s interest in ufology only intensified as a result, and drew him into an utterly bizarre exchange of emails, beginning in 2015, with one Tom DeLonge, the lead singer for the rock band Blink-182, which nobody at WOOF ever heard of, although that’s not particularly damning. At any rate, DeLonge persuaded Podesta that he, DeLonge, was receiving secret information from at least “ten highly placed sources inside the U.S. government,” each of whom seemed a virtual wellspring of deeply classified UFO secrets.
Bask for a moment in the wonderful ridiculousness of this, Woofketeers! The President’s chief of staff demands facts about flying saucers on behalf of the nation’s Commander in Chief, and is told by the nation’s military and intelligence elites to pound sand. Yet these same elites can barely restrain their enthusiasm for handing top-secret UFO files over to a second-tier rock singer whose familiarity with government seems confined to having once recorded a song entitled “Enema of the State,” and a whirlwind bromance with John Kerry. Following a nervous breakdown, Delonge found himself suddenly in awe of Kerry’s “brilliance” and tagged along on the Massachusetts Senator’s stumble-bum 2004 presidential campaign after which he proclaimed Kerry had changed his life. His band seemed to agree: they expelled DeLonge, telling reporters he’d become “paranoid and mentally ill,” a diagnosis that, although clinically tautological, seems otherwise shrewd.
Tom, John, and the Fragile Divisions
DeLonge’s recent emails to Podesta reveal his acquisition of two “military advisers” whom he implores Podesta to meet, adding “I think you will find them very interesting, as they were principal leadership relating to our sensitive topic. Both were in charge of most fragile [sic] divisions, as it [sic] relates to Classified Science and DOD topics. Other words [sic], these are A-Level officials.” As Podesta’s replies have yet to leak, we can only imagine his jubilation upon realizing his luck. Here he was, corresponding with the only rock burnout on earth who possessed his own military advisor (in fact two such advisors) and even better: advisors fresh from commanding the nation’s “most fragile divisions.” Better still, Podesta is collaborating with DeLonge on a UFO documentary scheduled for release in 2017–in time to be suitably mocked in WOOF’s next annual birthday post.
Everyone knows that the strangest disappearance since WOOF’s last anniversary was over 30,000 yoga items and wedding invitations vanishing from Hillary Clinton’s private email server(s). This mystery so preoccupied conservative media that its equally mysterious corollary, the disappearance of any trenchant reporting on the subject by anyone in the mainstream media, went largely unremarked. And besides all those yoga emails vanishing into cyberspace, recently leaked FBI notes reveal that two boxes containing Hillary’s printed emails also vanished! When the State Department’s Office of Information Programs (IPS) first audited them, fourteen boxes of emails were stacked at Secretary Clinton’s Friendship Heights office awaiting FBI examination–but when agents arrived to retrieve the boxes, there were only twelve (insert Twilight Zone music here). Ever alert, the agents promptly spotted this subtle discrepancy and moved swiftly to detain an IPS official for questioning. Under pressure, the IPS functionary revealed that it was “difficult to say what could have happened.” which apparently mollified the agents, who departed with the twelve boxes that remained. Shortly afterwards, however, an additional mystery cropped up when all references to the two missing boxes included in the FBI’s official report also completely vanished!
Just as eerily, Julian Assange’s Internet access disappeared without a trace, leaving the Wikileaker temporarily incommunicado at London’s Ecuadorian Embassy where he remains a virtual prisoner. Wikileaks officials insisted Assange’s connection was “intentionally severed by a state party,” which reminds us that Hillary wanted to “drone” Wikileaks while she was Secretary of State. Luckily for Wikileaks, Mrs. Clinton fell during the subsequent Benghazi crisis, bumped her head, and forgot nearly everything she’d said or done while in office, thus her animosity toward Asange was almost certainly erased. So, we don’t think Mrs. Clinton severed Assange’s link. First, by her own admission, she knows nothing about computers. Second, the leaks were clearly of no concern to her campaign, as demonstrated by the DNC’s assurances that the leaked anti-semitic, anti-Catholic, anti-Latino, anti-American, and anti-Bernie messages were “no big deal.” Obviously, then, Hillary lacked both motive and means.
Escaping Certain Death….
Each October we review predictions of imminent doom, so our readers can plan accordingly– but first, let’s examine the ones that missed. We begin with thanks offered a merciful God, for fending off, again this year, the horrors of Global Warming. This year marked a major milestone given Al Gore’s Oscar-winning prediction that major coastal cities would be submerged by 2016. Unremitting super hurricanes, due to render our seaports uninhabitable,were equally conspicuous in their absence, just as confirmed reports of drowned polar bears remained constant at last year’s level of zero, perhaps because the levels of arctic ice are actually increasing.
Professor Wieslaw Maslowski of the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterrey, California, solemnly foretold the complete absence of polar ice by 2016. Similarly, celebrated climatologist Peter Wadhams of Cambridge University produced the widely-heralded book A Farewell to Ice, predicting the complete disappearance of arctic ice, even as figures released this September show 21 percent more polar ice than in 2012. We could easily proceed to name dozens of equally-respected experts who fingered this year as mankind’s last opportunity to glimpse icebergs or snow, but we are too overcome with relief at our deliverance. Deus magnus est.
Not only did Hurricane Matthew fall miserably short of expectations–we also survived the entire month of May, which was fraught with peril! For instance,the planet Mercury entered alignment with the Sun and Earth on May 9th. True this happens thirteen times each century, but the website Prophetico insisted that this time Mercury meant business. A new lunar cycle reduced the moon to a crescent at the apex of Mercury’s alignment–so as Prophetico put it: “The moon itself has been turned into a sickle, so literally turning Orion’s club into a mace as he strikes the lion’s whelp along the cheek, during the transit [of Mercury].” Supposedly this meant worldwide destruction, and/or the return of Christ, as allegedly predicted in the book of Micah—only evidently not. Suffice it that we survived to confront the deathly curse of the Blue Moon.
Black and blue….
The Blue Moon was scheduled to destroy us all on May 21st because it was the fourth full moon in one season—so psychics and tarot readers took to the Internet announcing the end of days. Mercifully, the Blue Moon came and went without incident. But this left us at the mercy of the Black Moon. As opposed to the Blue Moon, the Black Moon of September 27th was the result of the regular moon’s illuminated hemisphere passing under Earth’s shadow. Worse, this particular black moon followed fast upon the heels of a ‘ring of fire’ solar eclipse, which is why legions of astrologers, Internet prophets and religionists predicted worldwide destruction, and/or the return of Christ. As readers are presumably aware, neither event ensued. This allowed humankind time to catch a breath or two before confronting a far more scientifically supportable problem: Aliens!
Hawking, the Inscrutable
Indeed, no less an authority on absolutely everything than the ubiquitous Stephen Hawking once again cautioned earth’s inhabitants against “announcing our presence to any alien civilizations that might be out there, especially those that could be more technologically advanced.” If our radio telescopes finally document intelligent signals from some distant planet, Hawking advises “hang up!” because “Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”
WOOF understands that Stephen Hawking is far too intelligent for those of us hobbled by less stratified intellects to fully comprehend, but we are confessedly bollixed. First, we wish Dr. Hawking would explain whether we should continue crediting his concerns that AI (artificial intelligence) will shortly contrive to exterminate mankind, or whether these worries are now superannuated by threats of extraterrestrials following our radio transmissions here and invading, or whether these events are expected to occur simultaneously. Moreover, if contacting alien civilizations invites catastrophe, why is Dr. Hawking enthusiastically promoting his “Breakthrough: Starshot” initiative, which intends–suicidally, one might infer–to launch “nanocraft” packed with news about our planet in the direction of neighboring star systems?
Also, we humbly implore Dr. Hawking to share whatever groundbreaking research he possesses linking “Native Americans” with Columbus. Until now, we thought it embarrassingly fatuous of American Indian activists to assemble each Columbus Day to bemoan the exploitation, rape, and murder of their ancestors by Columbus, mainly because Columbus never set foot in North America–indeed, the only “Indians” Columbus “discovered,” were inhabitants of the Bahamas, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic, none of whom, ironically, bothers protesting the fact. But if Hawking can place Columbus in, say, Beaufort, or Port St. Lucie, we stand ready to rethink the entire matter!
Finally, it seems strange that so many scientists continue devoting their energies to intergalactic outreach when the aliens appear to be here already. No less an authority than astronaut Edgar Mitchell, the sixth man to walk on the moon, unveiled the alien presence in 2009 when he told the National Press Club,”We are being visited. It is now time to put away this embargo of truth about the alien presence. I call upon our government to open up … and become a part of this planetary community.” Obviously, the government wasn’t interested, but shortly before his death earlier this year, Dr. Mitchell revealed that,“ETs [have] been attempting to keep us from going to war and help create peace on Earth,” adding that ET is “the highest form of intelligence that works directly with God…and will not tolerate any form of military violence on the planet or in space.” Admittedly, these assertions are difficult to square with the monumental levels of military violence engulfing our planet–but the aliens may not be infallible, after all. Researcher Jenny Randles documents more than thirty cases of flying saucer crashes around the world in her book, UFO Retrievals: The Recovery of Alien Spacecraft, so the aliens may be working out a few bugs in their own equipment.
The takeaway is that the aliens will protect us–at least as soon as they get their act together. They won’t allow nuclear war, and according to Mitchell they’ve already dropped in on the Pope and discussed world peace. So if all else fails, maybe they’ll save us from a second Clinton presidency— is that too much to expect from superior life forms?
How to vote on election day….
In closing, WOOF suggests that every patriot make a point of murmuring “Klaatu barada nikto” repeatedly as he or she enters the polling booth this November. We aren’t really sure what it means, but when uttered by actress Patricia Neal in 1951’s The Day the Earth Stood Still, the phrase stopped Gort, a robot from space with powers of mass destruction, from laying waste to the entire country…so why shouldn’t it stop Hillary Clinton? Perhaps the aliens, hovering watchfully aboard their motherships, will respond to our appeal by humanely immobilizing the threat. Gort was a lot tougher than Hillary, after all, plus he could walk around without falling over–so Hillary should be a cinch. Otherwise, we may be filing WOOF’s next anniversary post from the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Until then, fellow citizens…continue the mission! Stand your ground! Place your reliance in a just and righteous Providence…but brace for impact!