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In which WOOF's senior editor opines excursively just because he can; est. on August 14, 2017 at 10:41 pm

In which WOOF’s editor in chief, Old Bugler, expresses his up-to-the-minute-if-frustratingly-excursive views on nothing but 100% guaranteed genuine news, mostly in the annoyingly-officious third-person, as befits his station!                                      ________________________________________

  “The Caitlyn in the Hat Incident”

Your editor recalls a day in which Bruce Jenner adorned the fronts of Wheaties boxes, which is merely to say that your editor is ancient of days. A while ago, Emily Yahr of the subversive Washington Post wrote that “To understand the Bruce Jenner of today, you must understand the Kardashians. And sometimes, Bruce Jenner doesn’t even understand the Kardashians.” Your humble editor admits not only that he does not understand the Kardashians, but that until recently he thought they were an alien race on one of those vapid etiolations of Star Trek—but evidently not.  It transpires that Jenner, back in his disco-era Wheaties-box days, married into the Kardashian clan. The exact Kardashian involved appears to be named Kris.

A Cardassian–which turns out to be completely aside from Kardashians.

Old Bugler will now digress into one of those apostrophes that WOOF’s hipper, more commercially-minded proponents warn us about, insofar as they bore millennials and numb the concentration of even their more literary elders; but your editor is of an age at which self-indulgence occasionally triumphs over practicality. He will therefore include here the fact that he has long assumed Bruce Jenner’s wife was named Patti. To further digress, he will go so far as to blame this evident misapprehension on recording artist Warren Zevon (who, together with David Blue, may be fairly considered among the most unfairly pretermitted talents of art rock). In his sardonic opus The Indifference of Heaven, Zevon croons:

They say “Better days are near”
They tell us “These are the good times”
But they don’t live around here
Billy and Christie don’t–
Bruce and Patti don’t–
They don’t live around here.

Looking for Patti

Obviously, at least to your editor, the Billy and Christie reference is to singer Billy Joel and his wife, the once famous model Christie Brinkley, daughter of David Brinkley—last of the major networks’ quasi-objective newscasters. However, Old Bugler’s longstanding assumption that “Bruce and Patti” referred to Bruce Jenner and his wife is plainly confuted by the fact that Jenner’s wife turns out to be Kris Kardashian. Was he married previously? Your editor dispatched Research Elf Ernie to check on the matter. Apparently, Mr. Jenner was previously married to a Chrystie (no relation to the one married to Billy Joel), and a Linda—but, alas, never to a Patti. Patti, according to Research Elf Ernie, refers to the bride of Bruce Springsteen. Oops.  And even more disappointingly, Kris Kardashian (who was evidently named Houghton prior to converting) divorced Bruce/Caitlyn back in 2015, citing irreconcilable differences. It would be churlish, we suspect, to remark that burgeoning similarities may have proved equally irreconcilable.

Currently worth thousands on eBay! Imagine what we could get for our Wild Bill Hickok/Guy Madison Sugar Pops box!

Yahr goes on to write that “Long before he was sucked into the Kardashian vortex, [which sounds harrowing, we think] Jenner lived his life for the cameras. It was how the world watched him triumph in the punishing multi-skill Olympic sport, [the decathlon] taking a victory lap while exhausted rivals writhed in pain. It was how he made a living after that: Wheaties commercials, movies, sitcoms, infomercials, sportscasting and everything in between.” One detects a whiff of disapproval in Miss Yahr’s recitation of Jenner’s noisomely macho past, but her prose brightens as she reminds us that he is now assaying to be female, and that his mother has never been prouder.

America–where even a warrior princess quasi-wiccan from Australia can grow up and appear on John Milius’s series ROME…oh, never mind.

Here, Old Bugler pauses to remind those seeking an impassioned treatise on the courageous nature of Mr. Jenner’s subsequent metamorphosis, extolling his emergence as a veritable Xena, waste deep in the battle for gender equality, that no such kudos is forthcoming. For that matter, those wishing a screed denouncing Mr. Jenner’s hideous display of self-disfigurement while in the throes of pathological gender dysphoria will be equally disappointed. A common-sense (which is to say, we suppose, homo-and-trans-phobic hate-speech riven) discussion of the implausibility of the transsexual endeavor may be found here , courtesy of D.C. McAllister at The Federalist. We recommend it—but here at WOOF our libertarian enzymes prohibit any outright opposition to gender reassignment. Is this hypocrisy? Your editor thinks not.

Consider the tattoo….

Friedrich von Ledebur as Queequeg in John Huston’s film version of Moby Dick–was not widely recognized as a trend setter at the time.

Consider the tattoo–possibly the earliest form of self disfigurement. Presumably, many of you may have tattoos. Some of you may regret having them,others may be deliriously happy to have them and be dreamily engaged in contemplating the acquisition of more. We could care less. Our personal belief that tattoos are idiotic in no respect conduces toward anything like opposition to the right of individuals to freely desecrate their flesh, and as often as they like, assuming the age of majority has been reached. Now and then, for whatever reason, Old Bugler is asked by someone or other, “do you think I should get a tattoo?” And in such circumstances, your empathic editor always takes pains to wax Socratic, countering, in other words, with some such solicitous interrogative as, “Are you insane?” But never has he attempted to obstruct anyone from becoming tattooed; it is, after all, a semi-free country.

Castration in the age of absurdity….

No, the right of Bruce Jenner to undergo sufficient surgical manipulations to resemble a female, to restyle himself Caitlyn, and to declare himself herself, is as inalienable as Old Bugler’s right to drink whiskey, smoke cigars, or own .50 caliber handguns. What worries us is not the practically irretrievable and appallingly extreme nature of transsexual surgery—but rather the social, political, philosophical, and even lexicographical implications of such trauma in the Age of Liberal Absurdity. Liberals may argue that these are precisely the factors about which conservatism ought to be worried as progressivism drags America into the false dawn of atheistic modernity, but this pretermits the law of unintended consequences—that pesky obtrusion of reality upon the pretenses of humanistic Utopianism that follows progressive innovation like a faithful skunk. As an example, consider the tumult surrounding Caitlyn Jenner’s hat.

The lady who mistook her hat for her hat….

Any girl can grab the wrong hat!

It seems that Caitlyn Jenner, to whom we will refer henceforth using female-specific pronouns out of politeness, got in trouble earlier this August because she decided to play golf. No, not because throngs of insensate right-wing Neanderthals gathered to jeer her, ruining her outing and reducing her to tears—because they didn’t. Rather, Miss Jenner was undone by her decision to depart for the links in her 1960 Austin-Healey convertible. Concerned that driving her convertible from her Malibu estate to her Sherwood Country Club would muss her hair, the former decathlon star threw on a hat. She later insisted that she rummaged through a drawer of hats in her closet and simply grabbed one at random. Observing that such behavior might ordinarily be deemed “a guy thing” is beneath your humble editor, who already regrets the thought. Anyway—she arrived at the country club, doffed the hat, put on her golf visor, and “spent an hour or so hitting some balls.”

The Duffer’s Dilemma

According to Miss Jenner, it was only upon returning to her vehicle and retrieving her hat that she realized the enormity of her miscalculation. Only then, she insists, did she glance at the front of her cap, perceiving the maxim: Make America Great Again, whereupon Miss Jenner described herself as “horrified,” insisting “I hate Trump,” but as TMZ explained matters (in their exclusive coverage of the incident) “Caitlyn had a dilemma on her hands … wear the hat home or screw up her ‘do.” Evidently, screwing up her ‘do seemed more horrifying, at least in the moment, than wearing the MAGA cap, which Jenner says she thought nobody would spot. When she stopped at Starbucks on her way home, she prudently exchanged the cap for her golf visor before entering, thus avoiding what almost certainly would have amounted to spontaneous outpourings of rage and indignation from and the mocha-frappe aficionados within.

Oh sure, they look peaceful enough, but experts agree:  Starbuck denizens are dangerously unpredictable and known to succumb to insensate herd instincts in a heartbeat!

Caitlyn in the golf visor-we feel justified in calling the MAGA hat a better fashion choice.

Latte in hand, Miss Jenner drove off, but not before removing the golf visor and once again donning the MAGA hat. This peculiar detail proved her undoing. As fate would have it, the erstwhile Trumpite was halfway home when she realized she was without her purse. It dawned on her that Starbucks was the site of her last use of that accessory. which also contained her cell phone, and this in mind, Jenner threw the Austin-Healey into a U-turn and raced back to the coffee shop. Miss Jenner insists that by the time she re-covered the distance to Starbucks, she’d forgotten entirely that her head remained ablaze with hate speech. Tragically, heedlessly, she entered the establishment still sporting the red cap, which caught the immediate attention of numerous patrons–several of whom unlimbered cell-cams in order to document the star’s depravity.  One can only imagine Miss Jenner’s shock and humiliation.

And regarding the previously-mentioned Kardashian vortex, it was the Kardashians by all reports who most roused and reinforced armies of infuriated tweeters, raging against Jenner’s hat malfunction. According to The Mercury News, the Kardashians denounced Jenner as a “traitor to the transgender community,” adding that she was “heartless,” and “self serving.” Moreover, the Kardashians have since declared their refusal to have anything further to do with Miss Jenner—a gesture the family evidently perceives as punitive.

Oh sure, they look peaceful enough, but experts agree: Kardashians are dangerously unpredictable and known to succumb to insensate herd instincts in a heartbeat!

To her credit, Miss Jenner did her best to regain lost ground. She groveled in the required manner and emphatically renounced Donald Trump, assuring reporters that she “detests him” (for his ban of transgender participation in the military), and declaring for the record that “What he’s doing to our community is absolutely f***ing awful.” (Only without the asterisks—because leftists cannot be regarded as sincere nowadays in the absence of profanity, even if one’s likeness formerly adorned a Wheaties box). By way of additional penance, Miss Jenner resoundingly apologized “to all of the trans community,” adding “I made a mistake, I will never do it again and I’m getting rid of the hat.” In fact, she vowed to rip it up and burn it. Old Bugler is relieved to report that the press, the liberal establishment in general, and the “trans community” in particular–wherever located–appear mollified, at least for the moment.

Ungentlemanly thoughts….

Conscious of the inelegance inherent in doubting a lady’s word, Old Bugler cannot, despite himself, avoid noting a plot hole or two in the above story. Even a cursory reading excites one’s skepticism. First, of course, one feels compelled to wonder why Miss Jenner had a Trump hat in her closet to begin with—but that one’s simple. Jenner nearly paralyzed Diane Sawyer when, during a TV interview, she confided she was a Republican. Worse, she elsewhere voiced her view that Donald Trump “….would be very good for women’s issues,” insisting that a second Clinton presidency would “finish off” America, and going so far as to tender her endorsement of Trump’s candidacy. All of this apparently changed dramatically once Trump tweeted that transgendered individuals would no longer be welcome in the American military—a seemingly scant basis for so dramatic an emotional swing; but not in the liberal realm, and Jenner is a Republican whose transgendered identity mandates dependence on liberal tolerance as surely as on hormonal therapy.  And liberal tolerance for ideas or values other than those deemed acceptable to liberalism—however fleetingly–does not exist.

Presumptions, hopefully forgivable….

Your editor hopes Miss Jenner will forgive him if his presumptions are inaccurate, but he feels reasonably certain that the MAGA hat was not an issue to Miss Jenner until the photos drew torrents of fire from the rabid Left. Until then, she probably didn’t give it a thought. The rest of her multifaceted (and wildly paralogistical) narrative is almost certainly bogus. Your humble editor does Miss Jenner the courtesy of assuming she is rational enough that wearing her Trump cap didn’t strike her as villainous until she found herself awash in the resultant maelstrom. How, really, does one miss the fact that one has grabbed a brilliantly scarlet MAGA cap from one’s closet, and how does one manage to suppose oneself unnoticeable while wearing it, despite the fact that one’s noggin is sticking out of a small, exotic, British sports car with no top, and one is Caitlyn Jenner into the bargain? And if we entertain the possibility that Jenner possessed the presence of mind to swap her hat for a visor before ordering a latte, why would she go to the bother of switching back on the way home? It may not even matter whether Jenner forgot her purse at Starbucks, considering that the snapshot deemed most damnatory by outraged Leftists depicts Jenner driving her convertible rather than retrieving her bag.

The getaway attempt– she “thought no one would notice.”

No, it was probably not until the full brunt of liberal fury broke over her that Miss Jenner chose the better part of valor and back-formulated her explanation’s more inconsistent elements. We are otherwise left to assume that Miss Jenner went from championing Trump to hating him almost overnight, because the President saw fit to reexamine the wisdom of using the military for social experimentation in the Obaman mode, and voiced his objection to throwing transgendered recruits into the ranks without an opportunity for further study.  Of course dubious readers may ask on the other hand, is it realistic to suppose that Miss Jenner was so traumatically affected by a bit of flak from the establishment media and some trash talk on Twitter as to instantly reformulate her entire politics?

Why not shoot the paparazzi?

Fake news can drive anyone a bit nuts!

Yes, it is; or if not reasonable, at least a predictable result of subjecting oneself to deliberate testosterone deprivation even as one endures merciless importunities from the procrustean Left. Consider that a while back, when “one paparazzi” falsely reported that Jenner was Read more… Read the rest of this entry »

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Colt’s 1911 Pistol –An Allegory for Our Times?

In "Gunning for success" forum on July 12, 2017 at 4:34 pm

On shooting fish in a barrel….

It is occasionally remarked around the WOOF cave, especially by well-intentioned supporters who would love to see us eclipsing allegedly rival sites in popularity—that we should stick to articles about Black conservatives, and guns. The argument is entirely supportable from a marketing standpoint. For reasons we do not pretend to fathom, our discussions of conservative thinkers and politicians who are–to employ the currently acceptable (if paralogistical) locution–African American, always score huge numbers of “clicks,” while gun articles tend to outperform even Black conservatives. To be ridiculously candid (because, why not?) the largest number of views our humble site ever scored on a single day followed our publication of “Detroit Shoots Back,” in 2014. That article—which, come to think of it, was about guns and a pro-gun Black police chief—almost made it to the one-thousand clicks line on WordPress’s pale blue bar graph, which is what passes for an astronomical one-day tally here in the WOOF cave.

This is us, being obstinate.

But we are an obstinate lot, not at all driven by vainglory, and thus not much disposed to the pursuit of “clicks” obtained by shaping our ramblings to themes most likely to solicit large responses. And because this is so, when one of our team proposes a story that revisits any of these attention-grabbing topics, our first concern involves a kind of monastic self-catechism—in which we ask ourselves: Why are we doing this again? Are we selling out to the false gods of acclamation when we ought rather to be maundering on about underappreciated nuances of the 14th amendment, or decrying Paul Krugman’s latest sophomoric mishandling of Say’s Law…you know, stuff almost nobody wants to read about, let alone at such torturous lengths!

Besides, even “Stars & Stripes” can fall for fake news!

Usually the answer is in the affirmative, and so we cast aside the glittery item and slog ahead with whatever prohibitively recondite subject we deem preferable; but not always. Sometimes a topic seems irresistible despite threatening widespread appeal—and on such occasions we boldly pursue it. One such topic, as attentive readers will have gathered from this screed’s title and the accompanying illustration, is the United States Army’s pursuit of a new pistol for our troops—a story best left, one might suppose, to the pages of Guns and Ammo, or Stars and Stripes, except for the story’s inherent (and, we think, instructive) ironies, lifting it above a simple “gun story” and infusing it with a near-Greco-Hellenic cachet.

Note to the allegorically dense…

Sophocles, by the way, not Hemingway; but you knew that.

Readers who prefer to regard the forthcoming details less complexly are certainly free to do so. Just as no categorical imperative prohibits one from perceiving The Old Man and the Sea as a straightforward account of a frustrating day of deep-sea fishing, some may prefer to regard what follows as a simple chronicling of weapons development and its discontents. Why not? We invite such readers to skip the following discussion of congressional efforts to end Obamacare. It will seem incongruous and time consuming. We simultaneously invite the more philosophically inclined to bear with us—because what really persuaded us to proceed with this story was its allegorical dimension. The seemingly ineradicable nature of suboptimal policies once they are ensconced systemically is aggravating in itself, but when one further considers how often earnest exertions meant to reform these policies result instead in the reinforcement of their most egregious aspects—well—that’s what we mean by Greek! Permit us a single analogy.

Obamacare and the 1911

Just say  ‘arghhh!

Recently, the Republican Party undertook to relieve the nation of the horror that is Obamacare. It is not the business of this screed to detail the onerous, unconstitutional, and impractical characteristics of President Obama’s signature legislation, beyond remarking that its removal from the body politic is urgently required and demands uncompromising legislative surgery. More to our point is the commonly recognized fact that nothing of that nature happened. Rather, a president steeped in the art of negotiated adjustments to pre-existing business models combined forces with a GOP establishment so fearful of negative media coverage that it hadn’t the nerve even to recycle its own legislative efforts at authentic repeal, and produced instead its own version of Obamacare—sporting a handful of tweaks made chiefly in the interest of creating salable appearances.

President Trump wisely refuses to expose his back to applauding GOP House members.

In other words, what emerged from the GOP’s huddle, despite years of available brainstorming time, was simply the Affordable Care Act dropped into a more sedate, respectably Republican chassis. As Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr famously remarked, “plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.” (Which roughly translated from the French means: “The more the government tries to fix something the surer we are to wind up with more of it, working even less satisfactorily than before it was fixed!”)

It sounds a lot smarter when you say it in French.

One part of government that long seemed exempt from this critique was the military. In fact, however, the service-related procurement authorities were often doddering–even perversely Luddite in their opposition to weaponological breakthroughs. It was, after all, the Army Ordnance Corps that refused to equip the Union Army with the .44-caliber Henry Model 1860 rifle at the outbreak of the Civil War. In doing so, the Corps pulled the plug on what amounted to a per saltum leap in infantry firepower, citing the rifle’s weight when loaded to its 15-round capacity and the fact that the .44 Flat Henry cartridge didn’t fit other Army weapons as grounds for rejection. The Chief of Ordinance further declared himself unimpressed by the Henry’s rapid firing lever action, opining that it would waste ammunition and prove a burden logistically.  Resultantly, the Union fielded an army equipped mainly with single-shot muzzle loaders, relinquishing a potentially decisive advantage in firepower in order to avoid logistical headaches.

Prior to World War I the Army rejected the Lewis Machine Gun, mainly because Chief of Ordnance General William Crozier hated Lewis’s guts. The legendary Browning Automatic Rifle (BAR) was issued to only four American divisions in the last two months of the First World War, while most American Doughboys contended with the wretched French 8×51 mm Chauchat automatic rifle (also legendary, but mainly for jamming and misfiring). The most widely circulated explanation of this idiocy was the War Department’s fear that Germans might obtain a BAR on the battlefield, reverse engineer it, and turn it against us. Obviously, this logic—if generally applied—would prevent any advanced weaponry from reaching the hands of our front-line forces. The BAR became famous only after the armistice, when Bonnie and Clyde adopted it in rather less official circumstances.

Authentic photo of Clyde Barrow displaying his BAR. Bonnie does not appear, as the gang evidently had not yet stolen a delayed exposure camera.

The famous Thompson submachine gun was not accepted by the United states Army until 1938, despite its availability as early as 1918—principally because the First World War ended two days before the earliest Thompsons arrived in Europe, and the War Department sensibly concluded that nothing so devastating as General John T. Thompson’s “tommy gun” would be needed in the Utopian aftermath of what Woodrow Wilson (in his customarily delusional fashion) declared the “war to end all wars.”

General Thompson, and a Thompson.

But to discuss the Thompson is to get rather ahead of ourselves, which rarely happens here at WOOF, where devoted readers know fighting our way beyond the exordial details is our most common challenge. The Thompson is, after all, a weapon famous for its powerful .45 caliber punch; and that punch could not have been delivered without the development of the .45 ACP (Automatic Colt Pistol) cartridge.

Come the Moro…

When 800 Marines disembarked in the Philippines following the Spanish American War, they discovered that while Spain had relinquished its hold on the islands, the inhabitants were feeling less generous. The First Philippine Republic pronounced itself dissatisfied with the terms of the Treaty of Paris (the one ending hostilities between Spain and the United states, not the one ending the revolutionary war…and what is it with peace treaties and Paris, anyway?) In any case, the treaty had been signed without consulting the Philippine Republic, and it was a bit late to make adjustments. Attempts to accommodate Filipino demands were partial at best and suffered a series of bollixed translations and misinterpretations into the bargain. The upshot of all this was a declaration of war, perhaps most remarkable for its injudiciousness, by the First Republic against the United States.

TRUE FACT: Excesses were committed by Americans during the war with the Philippines but obscured by the jingoist press and propaganda of that era. Fortunately, today we have Hollywood to harp on such things endlessly.

To their credit, the soldiery of the Philippine Republic battled far longer than had the Spanish armies and navies, but in 1902 the war ended in its third year with an American victory. Readers will be pleased to know that while a staggering complex of diplomatic, political, governmental, and international developments followed fast upon the Republic’s capitulation, we will resist detailing them here—because none of them serves to advance our narrative. What we will discuss instead is the guerilla warfare that sprang up in the wake of the Filipino surrender. This insurgency involved numerous tribal cultures, many of them savage fighters, but none more relentless in battle than the Moros, whose foremost warrior caste featured the Juramentados, (from the Spanish for “one who takes an oath”) who pledged themselves to kill all Christians. Obviously, this left little room for negotiation.

Meet friendly natives, and learn their customs!

The word Amok (yes, as in running amok) is considered to have Malaysian roots, but it was also the name of a Moro band as deadly as the Juramentados, with an even worse reputation for—well—running amok. The simple Amok creed of battle was to go berserk, charge into the largest available assemblage of infidels (meaning us in this case), and kill or maim as many as could possibly be assailed before being killed oneself.

Obama visiting Mindanao? No, this Moro chieftain’s resemblance is purely coincidental.

Worse still, the Moros preferred to attack after heavily drugging themselves with a form of local narcotic, binding their limbs and bodies with leather in ways calculated to delay blood loss if wounded, and participating in religious rituals that whipped them into homicidal frenzies. These attributes, on top of their 400-year history of relentlessly battling any occupier against whom they declared jihad, made the Moro tribesmen the most implacably bloodthirsty opponents the United States had yet faced. And just by way of reinforcing this article’s undergirding theme, which mnemonically gifted readers will recall as, “plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose,” allow us to present one additional fact about the Moros: They were Muslim.

Short by 56 virgins, but good to go, nonetheless!

As historian David S. Woolman put the matter in Military History Magazine a few years ago, “Although certain of their own extinction, these fanatics were secure in their belief that they would be whisked to the Muslim paradise for their valorous self-sacrifice, where, among other glories, they would be serviced by 16 virgins.” Sound familiar? Okay, we thought it was supposed to be 72 virgins too, but maybe the Moros were victims of soteriological discrimination and simply had to settle; Woolman doesn’t say.

Readers may also find themselves wondering how on earth swarms of Muslims wound up in the middle of the Philippine jungle in 1902, but we invite them to pursue the question independently given that a thorough explanation will involve us in God knows how many discursive tributaries, and none of us wants that, do we. Suffice it for our immediate purpose that Moros were Muslim, and hell-bent on slaughtering Christians—particularly Christians of the American variety, we being the most proximal irritants.

The Moros were not well equipped, of course, being essentially pre-industrial in outlook and armament. Firearms were scarce. Select fighters were equipped with either single-shot, 1871 Model .43 caliber, rolling block Spanish Remingtons (involuntarily provided by the islands’ previous occupiers) or, more commonly, the .70 caliber, black powder Tower musket originally manufactured in England for use by British forces in the Raj. In design, the Tower was barely superior to the infamous “Brown Bess” which British redcoats carried to defeat in the Revolutionary War.  Americans were far better armed with their bolt action Krag–Jørgensens, but even the M1899 carbine model, built specifically for use in the Philippines, was longish and slow to re-chamber for a jungle weapon. The Moros, meanwhile, turned their muskets’ muzzle-loading impediment to advantage by funneling iron pellets, available metal fragments, sections of light chain, and even pebbles down the barrels. The result was a nasty close-quarters scatter gun capable of inflicting horrifying wounds from ambush in the jungles of the southern Philippines.

The 1899 Krag–Jørgensen, a superb collector’s item but a suboptimal jungle weapon.

More often, however, the Moros attacked with their traditional bladed weapons, including the Kriss, a serpentine thrusting sword, the slashing
Kampilan sword, long Budiak spears, and the infamous Barong—often called a sword, but approximately the size of a large Bowie knife, and no less suitable for stabbing or slashing adversaries. Read more….

Read the rest of this entry »

WHAT THE FOX? (How the Murdoch Brothers Hatched a Plan that ‘FOX over’ FNC Viewers while Saving the Planet and Sparing their Wives Further Embarrassment!)

In "The Media are the Massage" forum on May 22, 2017 at 3:37 pm

There is an old adage, familiar to most, that if something works, one should not attempt to fix it. We have no doubt the vast majority of our readers are conversant with this saying, and alert to its meaning; so much so that to explain it here for the benefit of the culturally illiterate seems pointless; first because it ill-repays everyone else’s kind attention, and second, because that rare reader who requires assistance comprehending so obvious a maxim will doubtless be equally bollixed by any attempt at elucidation. Therefore, we suggest that the apprehending majority proceed to this article’s gravamen, while the uncomprehending minority may also elect to proceed, placing its reliance on context in order to establish insight. Or, some may prefer to click over to, say, Infowars, where chemtrails, Pizza gate, and other sinister phenomena, are discussed in simple, easily comprehended terms.

But before plunging fully into the aforementioned gravamen, allow us to point out that unlike so many familiar aphorisms graven into the American psyche, the idea that something need not be repaired if it functions smoothly is virtually irrefutable. One may hear, “he who hesitates is lost,” for instance, and think ironically of Custer’s Last Stand—or reconsider the sagacity of “slow and steady wins the race,” in light of Jeb Bush’s disastrously phlegmatic bid for the presidency. But almost everybody agrees that a marvelously efficient apparatus need not be overhauled in the moment (continuous quality improvement notwithstanding), and this seems even more apparent when the apparatus is essential to some aspect of the nation’s cultural welfare—as is Fox News.

So, if  ‘he who hesitates is lost’ is wrong, but so is ‘slow and steady wins the race,’ how confusing is that?

We at WOOF gaze with considerable dismay upon the widely reported efforts to dismantle the Fox News Channel, or, put more exactly, to transform it—to reshape its core into something bound to prove anathema to the tastes and expectations of its millions of loyal viewers.

Some predicted Turner’s CNN would counter liberal media bias–but when Ted went hunting with Castro and married Jane Fonda, hope perished.

Not even the liberal media could invent a means of diminishing or obfuscating Fox’s primacy among the 24-hour news contenders. A public trained to think “CNN” when it thought of around-the-clock news broadcasting, came despite itself to an awareness that Fox News dwarfed Ted Turner’s band of whiny propagandists in the ratings…and, put frankly, in news coverage. True, a sizable sub-population of that public remained aloof from FNC’s programming, persuaded by the full force of the Liberal Establishment that Fox comprised little beyond an assortment of thunderously fascistic Cro-Magnons, babbling blond Stepford Anchorwomen (whose vacuous skulls had been filled with GOP talking points), and a supporting cast of Republican Party shills whose main function, the Left insisted, was to tell lies.

Lois of “Family Guy” actually enjoyed a brief career at Fox News Channel.

The mythology of Fox’s reliance on calculated prevarication was soon run threadbare by the progressive hierarchy to the point that it became an object of satire on the cartoon program Family Guy. In one episode, for example, Lois, the cartoon housewife, is seen ranting about Fox’s inveracity when she is challenged by the family dog (who talks). The dog accuses her of hyperbole, but Lois doubles down, snarling, “Everything on Fox News is a lie… even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies!” Certainly, that was the official view of the Obama Administration for eight years. But while the “Fox lies!” mantra busied the tongues of besotted liberals and frightened off, one must assume, legions of the irreclaimably naïve, it proved insufficient to thwart FNC’s rise to cable supremacy.

In the beginning…

The late Roger Ailes–looking rightward.

It was February of 1996 when Australian publisher and multimedia mogul Rupert Murdoch hired former GOP strategist-cum-NBC producer Roger Ailes to mastermind the Fox News Channel. Scoffers marveled at the stupidity of “reinventing CNN,” simultaneously pointing out that NBC was launching MSNBC (does anyone know what that actually stands for?) and that a 24-hour news channel run by so hallowed and sacrosanct a broadcasting entity as NBC in combination with the ultra-branded CNN would obviously crush any upstart competitors.

Fox’s refusal to play by the rules of establishment (read: liberal) journalism made it instantly attractive to conservatives among whom Murdoch’s experiment built a swiftly expanding viewership. Moreover, Fox presented liberal viewpoints by a far greater ratio than conservatism appeared elsewhere, thus moderates began to admire the fresh approach too. During the Republican National Convention in 2000, Fox’s ratings handily outpaced all three major (which is to say, hallowed and sacrosanct) news networks, and increased another 300 percent during the American invasion of Iraq.

Heresy!

Hmmm–something’s up.

Further digression into particulars needn’t consume us. Suffice it that Fox climbed from obscurity to the position of America’s number one source for cable news at so dazzling a velocity that establishment progressives were hard pressed to internalize, let alone oppose, the phenomenon. Slowly, in that recalcitrant way in which ponderous beasts react to some peripheral annoyance, the Left began to recognize the magnitude of Murdoch’s heresy. For establishment panjandra, this entailed a more challenging cognitive adjustment than one might suppose. It required stretching the liberal weltanschauung to accommodate three distasteful propositions.

Shattering paradigm (file photo)

First, the guardians of America’s informational orthodoxy were obliged to accept that the major networks, whose news divisions were known to be hallowed and  sacrosanct if only by dint of their ritualistic practice of so describing themselves, had been outclassed in the ratings war by a bunch of conservatives and neocons with no entrée into the progressive guild, and no interest in seeking any. This realization alone was, as the lexicographically slipshod might say, paradigm shattering.

Second, one could not efficiently analyze the success of Fox without acknowledging coinstantaneously that American TV viewers liked Fox’s handling of events more than any competing network’s, and sometimes more than any combination of them, because on a really dark day FNC would pull higher numbers than CNN, MSNBC, and CNBC put together.

The Nielsen ratings– an inconvenient truth.

Third, these facts conduced ineluctably toward one of two available conclusions, neither of which inspired optimism on the Left. Either (a) the American people were more inclined to conservatism than to liberalism, which would disprove longstanding elitist claims to the contrary–or else, (b) vast enclaves of otherwise sensibly progressive citizens were tuning in Fox News every night, beguiled by Roger Ailes’s media sorcery. Once hooked, such viewers apparently surrendered their adjudicative powers and descended ever deeper into the reactionary abyss where they were irretrievably transformed by Murdoch’s dark alchemy. These poor wretches—and there appeared to be millions of them– misperceived themselves as entertained and informed whereas in fact they were merely the former, any semblance of the latter being so interlarded with lies, distortions, and bigotry, as to render it dismissible.

Regarding the above, notice that whether one embraces the first or second alternative, the leftwing perspective relies on the barely concealed subtext that Americans are stupid. (Stupid being the most widely circulated synonym among progressives for ‘not liberal.’) But better they be stupid on account of Roger Ailes’s magical mental manipulations than by mere dictate of nature, and thus the second option of the third proposition carried the day, explaining the second proposition, and maybe even the first. And so was born the “Fox-lies!” mantra, echoed robotically by liberals everywhere, even today. Not only does Fox lie, but in the progressive estimation, Fox lies so skillfully and seductively that Americans prefer it– not only because many of them are stupid (meaning ‘not liberal’), or even because quite a few more are simply stupid, (meaning stupid, in the general sense of acceptation), but mainly because the majority are, in fact, stupefied, which is to say, mesmerized by Rupert Murdoch’s insidious legerdemain. Enter now the progressive passion for “re-education.”

“Just a FOX story!”

For two decades now, Americans have endured a withering barrage of propaganda from every conduit dispensing left-leaning commentary (which is nearly all of them), to the effect that Fox lies, Fox isn’t really a news network (an Obaman favorite), Fox is homophobic, Fox is racist, Fox is Islamophobic, Fox is—well, you get the idea. The enterprising liberal eristic (of that subspecies at least one specimen of which inevitably winds up at Thanksgiving dinner) will always have an ample supply of politically-correct insertions in mind, whereby the basic anti-Fox template may be adjusted to address almost any conversational variant.

“Ummm…lessee…’Operation Fast and Furious?’ Ummm…I think that’s just a Fox Story.”

The Obama administration made excellent tactical use of this planted axiom. Whenever Fox went to air with details of yet another Obama travesty, Obama or one of his acolytes would smirk and declare, “Well, that’s just a Fox story!” and reporters would snicker, nod, and forget the matter. In fact, the President on such occasions was speaking literal truth, since the near-absolute refusal by establishment networks to spotlight anything unfavorable to the regime meant that any hint of scandal, blunder, or illegality associated with Obama was instantly “spiked,” with the predictable result that Fox would be the only network reporting it. Thus, almost every one of the administration’s miscreancies over eight years of unprecedented contempt for law, truth, and the Constitution, might be accurately described as “just a Fox story!”

As vociferously as the liberal networks promulgate this interpretation of Fox’s appeal, one might reasonably assume some effect would be had—but efforts by the punditry to warn viewers of Fox’s wanton disregard for the higher principles of responsible (read: liberal) reportage made no measurable dent in Fox’s ratings. One reason, obviously, was that no matter how often or how emphatically the liberal networks rehearsed Fox’s infamies, no means existed by which to inform the masses–other than by purchasing advertising space on Fox News, which claimed most of the viewers. For the elites in New York, D.C. and Los Angeles, such ignominy would be unendurable, so the likes of Chris Matthews and Don Lemon found themselves limited to warning their comparatively miniscule audiences that Fox was awful—a belief already shared, presumably, by most of their viewers. Small wonder if the resultant frustration drove certain of these journalistic Titans to the occasional social drink.

Looking on the bright side, Fox’s deliverance from the grip of its fascistic, warmongering, misogynistic former executives may have a salvific effect on Don Lemon’s liver.

Following America’s penultimate attempt at national suicide, (we refer here to the 2008 presidential election), President Obama joined in the effort, lambasting Fox News at every opportunity from the Bully Pulpit, even attempting on one occasion to lock Fox out of a news conference, and whining incessantly to anyone who would listen about the colossal unfairness of Fox’s coverage, which often criticized him, whereas all the other televised news operations waxed giddy at his approach.

In a reckless attempt to boost ratings, Joe Scarborough challenges Barney Frank to an impromptu game of patty-cake.

One might suppose that attacks by the administration combined with the exertions of establishment journalists and manipulations by the entertainment industry (which made Fox the butt of endless jokes inserted into movie and TV scripts, sitcoms, rap recordings, and late-night comedy monologues), would erode FNC’s popularity. Shown the error of their ways, thousands of repentant souls might reasonably be expected to grasp– however belatedly– the importance of watching real news as represented by credible journalists like Joe Scarborough (failed conservative talk radio host), or Van Jones (self-confessed communist subversive and 9/11 conspiracy theorist), Al Sharpton (diction-impaired race hustler and tax cheat), or certainly by old pros like Brian Williams (signer of the Declaration of Independence, first journalist to orbit the moon, Bronze Medal winner in Olympic Mahjong), but no! Despite eight years of unremitting, presidentially approved criticism, Fox News emerged unscathed.

Much of Fox’s success may be attributable the inadequacies of its competition. Even the ultra-elitist SALON admitted as recently as last November that “Watching MSNBC is pure torture!”

In fact, 2016 found Fox comfortably atop the ratings for basic cable viewers, prime time viewers, and “total day” viewers (a spot formerly ceded to CNN whose “branding” inclined more people to switch it on at some point in any week, however briefly). For emphasis, FNC delivered the best rated quarter for total viewers in the network’s history and spent ten consecutive weeks as the number one channel in total day viewers of all cable networks, bar none.

A series of unfortunate events…

But precisely at this point began what might be termed a series of unfortunate events, none of which, in any direct sense, reflected meddling by the organized Left. To begin with, a sudden flurry of charges was brought against Fox’s resident mastermind, Roger Ailes. Alysyn Camerota, for instance, charged Ailes with sexually harassing her during her stint at FNC following which Gretchen Carlson lodged similar accusations. Camerota’s complaints might be considered suspect by virtue of her subsequent CNN affiliation, while Carlson could reasonably be described as disgruntled, but when Megyn Kelly added her voice to the mix even as the venerable Greta Van Susteren (to whom WOOF invariably grants special dispensation on account of her being Urban Van Susteren’s daughter) switched from defending Ailes to tweeting her regrets that Ailes was “not better supervised,” the charges seemed substantial enough that few on the Right rushed to protest Ailes’s removal. Read more… Read the rest of this entry »

“The Devil and Barack Obama” (Part One: The Early Years)

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on March 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm

d-and-o

Dear Mr. Obama:

Did you ever see the movie Big Jim McLain? We’re guessing probably not—for one thing, it stars John Wayne, and we don’t see you as a John Wayne guy, besides which it opens with a salute to the hard-working members of the House Un-American Activities Committee. We’re guessing you’d rather appear in an NRA commercial than display a scintilla of sympathy for an anticommunist bunch like HUAC.  But that’s not important now. What’s important is Daniel Webster.

The Webster Paradigm

We’ve seen media reports that you’re quite the scholar, Mr. Obama, so we needn’t remind you that Daniel Webster was the American statesman who twice served in the House of Representatives (for New Hampshire and Massachusetts) and then in the Senate (for Massachusetts) between and 1813 and 1827. No, not the guy who wrote the dictionary. That was Noah. No, not the Noah who built the ark—but anyway—the reason we thought of Daniel Webster as we began this effort to help you compose a true accounting of your presidency is because in Big Jim McLain there’s this spooky scene where you see Webster’s gravesite on a lightning-riven night, and the narrator intones these lines from Stephen Vincent Benet:

Webster’s grave as depicted in “Big Jim McLain.”

“Yes, Dan’l Webster’s dead—or, at least, they buried him. But every time there’s a thunderstorm around Marshfield, they say you can hear his rolling voice in the hollows of the sky. And they say that if you go to his grave and speak loud and clear, “Dan’l Webster—Dan’l Webster!” the ground’ll begin to shiver and the trees begin to shake. And after a while you’ll hear a deep voice saying, “Neighbor, how stands the Union?” Then you better answer the Union stands as she stood, rock-bottomed and copper-sheathed, one and indivisible, or he’s liable to rear right out of the ground.”

Please don’t misinterpret that as a threat, sir. True, you wouldn’t pass muster, but we understand your public persona demands pretensions to patriotism, even as you chirpily dissemble your record in that sing-song manner to which we’ve all grown achingly accustomed. You did a good job of this last January on the occasion of your most recent farewell address. Presidents traditionally use such events to voice concerns and hopes for the Nation’s future, but somewhat unsurprisingly, you used the occasion to review what you perceived to be your greatest moments in office.  As journalist Caroline Baum remarked, “Why wait for others to assess your legacy when you can do it yourself?” But even the perspicacious Baum failed to note the dichotomy between the legacy you described, and your actual accomplishments—or between what Comrade Lenin called truth and objective truth.

The long farewell– from a man who says he’s not going anywhere! 

We understand how frustrating it must be to continuously burble misleading flummeries while no proper recognition can be given your genuine achievements as an agent of the Islamo-Fascist Left. Like Dostoyevsky’s Raskolnikov, you must find the thrill of getting away with the perfect crime dampened by the realization that nobody appreciates your brilliance. So in what follows, we at WOOF offer you an opportunity to give a complete accounting of the blows you rained upon the Republic, offered  mainly for the edification of a demonic dyad (see below) uniquely positioned to assess the impact of those blows, as well as to applaud those manifold  instances in which your famously incomputable intellect sufficed to keep you several steps ahead of the  clueless bourgeoisie.

Franklin’s arithmetic:

Ben Franklin wrote that ““Three May Keep a Secret if Two are Dead,” and that’s exactly what occurred to us while pondering how best to help you catalog your rascality without risking discovery by the masses. Our plan works a lot like Binet’s–only without Daniel Webster, of course–he being an old, dead White guy who’d throttle you on sight.  No, for Binet’s framework to fit our purpose, an antithetic approach was required entailing a very different historical icon–one occupying a very different gravesite. An iconic figure sympatico with your unwaivering revolutionary convictions. We refer here, of course, to Fidel Castro.

_____________________________________________

The Devil and Fidel Castro

fconeYou will doubtless have occasion in the not too distant future to revisit the imprisoned island of Cuba, upon which you recently lavished so much favor, even as you conveyed to its tyrannical leadership so many overt and implicit apologies for the sins of your predecessors. Once arrived and sumptuously quartered in environs palatial enough to gobsmack the average Cuban, you will want to seek out the resting place of Fidel Castro. As you know, his ashes are interred inside a big concrete blob at Santiago’s Santa Iphigenia Cemetery. It’s supposed to be a kernel of corn, but it looks more like the Rubbles’ house in Bedrock. Anyway, the point is, you will want to make a pilgrimage there the better to reenact the Big Jim McLain scene, mutatis mutandis.  We suggest you cry out,  “Primer Ministro Presidente, Comandante Fidel!” And imagine your thrill when he thunders back, “Comrade, how goes the struggle for el socialismo?”

El Comandante’s tomb is supposed to be a kernel of corn. Presumably the designer was shot.

(Except he will probably add remarks amounting to three or four additional hours of your time, in that inimitably loquacious way of his.  So bring a book. After all, Fidel’s penchant for giving five-hour speeches to audiences forbidden to leave their seats on pain of death or imprisonment, makes him the only world leader to have used–and on myriad occasions–even more personal pronouns per speech than yourself.  But then again, because Fidel gave such long speeches, he had more opportunities to praise himself than you had in your (comparatively) brief addresses. Judging the matter on an hourly rather than a per-speech basis, you’d win hands down. Take your speech in Austin back in 2014. You spoke for only 40 minutes, but managed to employ the pronouns “me,” “my,” and “I” one-hundred and ninety-nine times. Did you know, the entire Gettysburg Address only lasted about three minutes?  It contains a measly 272 words– and Lincoln didn’t use a single personal pronoun in the whole speech. What a wallflower!

Print this article!

No place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel's tomb!

No place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s tomb!

So, when Fidel finally finishes you must grab the opportunity to say something like:  ”The struggle for socialism, unh, goes pretty well, and, unh, I really stuck it to the unh, Yanquis who are so stupido they –-hah–elected me for two, unh, consecutive terms, and unh…” And…see the problem? Here’s where WOOF can really help out, because, that’s right: There’s no place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s concrete lump, and even if there were, Cuban electrical power is notoriously spotty—did you remember to apologize for that? Anyway, you know how you get when you try to ad lib! So print these articles out, Mr. President, and bring them with you (if you can even get WOOF articles into Cuba, which come to think of it probably isn’t all that easy, but you’ve got pull.) Stick to our comprehensive script and we bet Fidel will just about jump right out of his cement blob and give you a big comradely smooch.

Iblis, aka Shaitan–the most important audience member!

But don’t draw the line at impressing your hero in the big grey blob…no, he’s just the intermediary–like a medium at a seance–or a big cigar-chomping ouija board. What matters most is to impress the big guy himself–El Diablo. You know: Iblīs— did we get that right?–you know who we’re talking about, and he’ll be listening all right, Mr, President–the third person in Franklin’s trilogy. Okay, he’s not dead like Fidel, but he’s not alive like we mortals–so Franklin’s maxim still applies. The Devil can keep a secret all right! So here’s what to say; stick to the script we’ve provided and you’ll do fine!

———Begin reading your statement HERE, Mr. President: ————

Carl Davidson’s articles appeared in “FORWARD,” a journal named for the classic battle cry of the Marxist Left. By complete coincidence, that was also my campaign slogan in 2012!

“To begin with, right from birth I was the cause of confusion and dissent, only most of it didn’t boil over until I ran for president. See, I was born on August 4th in Mombasa—that’s in Kenya—in 1961, just a year before the Americans blundered into the Bay of Pigs, isn’t that right Comandante? LOL! Anyway, I always told everyone I was born in Kenya; but by the time I was running for senate, comrades like Bill Ayers, Bernardine Dohrn, and Carl Davidson— started to worry abut that.  I know the Comandante knows Carl, because he personally contacted him and told him America was ready for revolution, remember? Anyway, as soon as my fellow radicals,  ex-weather underground mentors and a few of my favorite CPUSA-type professors came up with the idea of my national political career, they pointed out I had to be born in America—just in case I ever tried running for president. Those were some smart folks, guys—I mean—Fidel and—Mr. Devil, sir, or…can I call you Iblis? Maybe just Old Nick!

Bill and Bernardine: My staunch supporters, advisors, and political advocates in Chicago, pictured here in more carefree times.

Multiple births, multiple mysteries:

“After all the advice I got, I realized I was probably born in Honolulu, Hawaii, (coincidentally, on the same day that I was born in Mombasa) so Hawaii became my updated birthplace, even though I seem to have registered as a foreign student in college. And there were all those brochures left around from 1995 publicizing my forthcoming book, Journeys in Black and White–which never actually forthcame, heh, heh,  saying  I ‘was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.’  In fact, my Kenyan birth was still going strong as recently as 2007 as publicity for my next book–which actually did get written.  I liked the Kenyan version because being a real African always impresses “African Americans” cuz, let’s face it, the majority of ’em couldn’t find Africa on a map–and real Africans always leave white liberal academicians gasping in awe, so the Kenyan angle worked great. To tell you the truth, near as I’m able, I’m not exactly sure where I was born anymore–I was pretty young at the time. But  I think we can agree that confusion is a mighty weapon we wield against the forces of capitalism, reaction, and  all those backward hayseed southern fundamentalist churches that won’t support partial-birth abortion or transgender bathroom rights…you know, like the Catholics.

“But honestly, fellas, the truth is, Hillary really did start the whole “birther” thing back in ’08, like Trump said, only I’d never tell anybody else that. For starters, she sees all these memos and oppo-research findings about my total disconnect from anything authentically American–a fact I take great pride in, by the way–but politically not so good! Next, in unmistakable Clinton style– the emails get ‘leaked’ saying I’m Kenyan–or Jakartan, or Indonesian–and when everybody runs back to Hillary and asks her ‘Why are you sayin’ all this horrible stuff about Barack?’ (Because by then, remember, the media were trampling her in a mad rush over to my side), so she just pulls that bug-eyed face of hers where she looks like she’s never ever been so shocked in her life, you know–eye balls popping out of her head–and –classic Clinton–she turns around and fires the loyal staffers she had leaking this stuff, and tells the press, ‘oh–we traced those memos to a few renegade staffers but I got rid of them.’

“I mean those Clintons, you gotta admire their style– their knack for looking self righteous while they pump out whatever garbage they just made up– I have to say, I’m a big fan.  I’ve certainly tried doing it like that, but when I go for indignation I just come off snotty, so mostly I try to act suave and highbrow, but that bores people after a while, except Charlie Rose. I think I’m going more urban Black from here on out, droppin’ muh final G’s, an’ soundin’ like ah’m from the Chicago hood ‘stead of Indonesia by way of Hawaii. And just between us comrades, thousands of my admirers will totally buy the idea that I’m all of a sudden talking like Charlie Rangel or somebody, because, let’s face it, they’re morons–but I say, praise Allah for making so gosh darn many of ’em! Can I get an amen?

The road to the Whitehouse…

Me and George.

“Okay, some funny things happened on my way to the Oval Office–at first, of course, I didn’t think I could win. Like everybody, I figured Hillary was a shoe in, so  I just wanted to get my face out there.  I never doubted I could beat John McCain–that guy has the electability of a brain damaged tuber–plus, I swear he was rooting for Hillary–but  everything changed when the mainstream media just all of a sudden seemed to decide I was the guy. Like somebody pulled a switch. Okay, let’s face it, somebody did–so let’s give kudos to George Soros here, before I go any farther.  Me and George go back to 2004 when he threw me a fundraiser at his New York mansion. Up until then, there wasn’t any real money behind me because most of my supporters were communists or former Weather Underground terrorists– and the only work those people can get with that kind of background is pretty much limited to tenured positions at major universities. But Soros smeared my opponent and got me elected in Illinois, after which I served about 700 days, and ran for President!

Wright and Wrong

“Don’t turn your back on Islamic tradition–I’m still in the Bible!”

“So the next big deal was my history at Jeremiah Wright’s church, which we thought might end my chances, because there’s tons of video tape of him saying stuff like ‘God damn America’ and ranting about the Jews, and White people, except that none of the mainstream networks played those parts. So, I just claimed I sat in his church for 20 years, and never heard a word, which was obviously ridiculous—especially with him being my kids’ Godfather and one of my books being dedicated to him and quoting him about “the white man’s greed”and stuff–but the liberal media held solid and covered it up.  In retrospect, we totally overestimated the damage Wright could do me—first because voters just dopily accepted the idea that I sat nodding like a bobble doll in his church for 20 years and never heard a word he said, but also when stuff came out about how he’d mentored me and counseled me politically the whole time, we just called it right-wing nonsense. When it came out he taught Liberation Theology, which is really Marxism, as you fellas well know, the press didn’t go near it. And when that jackass Ed Klein came out with his interview asking Wright if he converted me form Islam to Christianity, Wright tells Klein, “I don’t know about that… I can tell you I made it easy for him to come to an understanding of who Jesus Christ is and not feel that he was turning his back on…his Islamic traditions and his understanding of Islam,” —that could’ve blown me out of the water. But none of our media comrades touched it—even though a few of them—cuz they’re mostly dumber than bricks–but a few of them must know that Jesus is in the Quran—he just isn’t a very big deal.

“But then Jeremiah goes totally nuts and gives a speech to the National Press Club. I was still pretty new at the game, so I had the Secret Service sneak me in to try talking him out of the speech—we even secretly tried bribing him to the tune of 150,000 dollars to shut up—but he goes ahead and gives the speech—and what were we even worried about? It was like it never happened. You know what the press talked about? McCain’s imaginary mistress!

“And the same thing happened with Bill Ayers—who bombed the Pentagon and married Bernadine Dorne—who also bombed the capital and the Pentagon—and here they paved the way for me into Chicago politics, helped mentor me, gave me my big political send-off at their suburban home, and Bill even wrote most of my book for me—the first one, the literate one—and he even gets me on the same board of directors as him for three years—and and guess what? Steffy—you know—Comrade Stephanopoulos over at ABC who reminded me I wasn’t  Muslim when I goofed and said I was? Well, he asks me, do you know this dude? And I say, ”This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood’ and that’s all there was to it—the only people who gave a damn after that were on FOX News, which we have yet to destroy, comrades.

Gosh, it’s Reverend Wright, Bill Ayers (that guy down the street) and Bernardine Dohrn. They must be Christians too, LOL!

Arugula, and other discontents….

Comrade Frank Davis: Communist activist, the father I didn’t have to dream about.

“Same deal with the books. Lotsa people bought ’em, but I guess nobody ever read ’em, because they were full of praise for Marxists, radicals, and anti-semites, plus my childhood spent imbibing the wisdom of arch communist activist Frank Marshall Davis, when I wasn’t studying Islam.  And all my bloopers, heck, they ignored those too. During the campaign when I told reporters I’d been to 57 states and had one to go, SNOPES actually claimed I made sense! I told a national audience my maternal granny didn’t trust Blacks cuz she was ‘a typical White person….’ after which I got caught on a live mic describing people in the Midwest as “bitterly clinging to their guns and their religion.” Ha, but even that didn’t go much farther than the right-wing blogs and radio shows. I  said Hillary’s primary win in Kentucky was because she was better known, being from the neighboring state of Arkansas–then I found out Kentucky is actually next door to my home state. Illinois, that is–not Hawaii, which is in Asia—but aren’t all those southern states supposed to be down south? And then there was the whistle stop where I asked the crowd,  “Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and seen what they charge for arugula?” Turns out nobody had. Boy, I had to drop a lot of final “g’s” to make up for that one!

And whenever someone to the right of Che Guevara needs to be smeared, you can ALWAYS count on good old Jan Wenner and  Rolling Stone!

“And of course I told Joe the Plumber he’d be better off if we spread his wealth around, which is crazy, cuz once we redistribute income, Joe’ll be plumbing for the socialist collective for peanuts, but again, it was sloughed off by everyone except that whole Hannity, Limbaugh, O’Reilly bunch—and our people dug into that plumber guy and nearly demolished him with smears and negative press. Chicago rules, right? If you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment!  But anyway, I get the nomination, mainly because the press all switched to me from Clinton with two snaps of the fingers–first Soros’s, and second, Zbigniew Brzezinski’s over at the Trilateral Commission–and those folks are some dedicated idealists! 

As the tide recedes….

“Bailey”

“I get elected, which surprises absolutely nobody by then, least of all that zombie McCain– and I’m on the cover of every magazine on every news stand, and supermarkets are selling me on t-shirts and commemorative plates with my big grinning face on them, Pepsi changes its logo to look like mine, and school kids are singing about me the way they used to sing about Papa Doc Duvalier in where was that– Guatamala? And I give that speech with the Greek columns and the reverb thing on my voice, and I tell everybody ‘this was the moment the sick got cared for, the moment there were good jobs for the jobless—the moment the rise of the oceans began to slow and the planet started healing’—can you believe that schlock? But everybody practically swooned. It’s just like P.T. Bailey used to say, there’s an idiot born every second! And to cap it off, the next thing I know I win the Nobel Prize—for what? Even I couldn’t figure it out! I don’t think those old farts in Stockholm knew why either–but like that skinny girl with the big breasts said in that video that went viral–they all had a crush on Obama!

Reverb on the microphone and Greek columns–because good taste is timeless!

The trillion dollar misunderstanding….

“I pledged to balance the budget in my first year in office. Seriously? I actually hiked the national debt by 6 trillion and managed to take an economy weakened by the housing collapse and the bank crisis, and drive further into recession and debt by ramming through my trillion-dollar ‘stimulus’ program. I called it the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, but there wasn’t any recovery because instead of reinvestment, we did redistribution, mainly of the middle class’s tax dollars into all kinds of worthy projects such as stimulating the economies of Finland,  Indonesia, India, Mexico, China, the Dominican Republic, Thailand, Vietnam, Italy, Russia, Luxembourg, El Salvador, Spain, and France.  I told reporters ‘the stimulus won’t cost taxpayers a dime,’ and did they investigate that? Of course not! They just ‘reported’ it! Not that we neglected the domestic side. We gave billions to supporters like Elon Musk, NRG Solar, Siga Technologies, and so on. You know how to borrow a whole bunch of campaign money and get tons of free, influential support? One word: Solyndra! They donated massively to my ’08 campaign, lobbied for me like crazy–heck, their top executives met with me regularly at the White House even after I got elected. They bet a load of money on me, so no wonder I ‘stimulated’ them in return with $535 million. Once they got it, they folded, of course–how’re you gonna sell  hundreds of defective solar panels?  Earlier, I told everyone Solyndra was going to mean 4,000 new jobs, so the New York Times said I failed “to properly evaluate the company’s business proposals.” And they say the press is never critical of me!

Me, balancing the budget, LOL!

Save the marsh mice! (Screw the eagles!)

Eagles…who needs ’em?

“I told everyone the money was ‘going to help those hardest hit by the economic crisis,’ and those Ferbies on the networks just repeated that guff, along with all that ‘shovel-ready jobs’ manure.  Meanwhile we built a high-speed rail system in California that connects nowhere with nothing for a mere $4.3 billion; we handed $128 million to backers who constructed a bridge between Palm City and Stuart, Florida, right next to the bridge that already does that.  We gave an Indiana company $118.5 million to pioneer new vistas in electric-car battery technology, only they filed for bankruptcy instead. The Canandaigua Wind Farm did just fine after receiving $61.8 million to build turbines and towers—probably because it was doing just fine already, having built all those things a year earlier.Meanwhile I got the EPA to okay windmills killing hundreds of American eagles, just as long as they died green, but we spent $16.1 million to save the San Francisco Bay area habitat of the Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse–and, (and this is my personal favorite)–we  forked over half a million dollars of taxpayer funds to support the creation of Yoga classes in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Say, maybe Hillary will relocate! So next I nationalize a few banks and take over GM and Chrysler, ban the word “Chevy” and build the Volt.

“The infrastructure continued to crumble, but nobody minded; I told the Press Club, ‘There weren’t as many shovel-ready jobs as we thought!’ and everybody laughs and slaps their thighs, like, okay, Barack, no big deal, buddy! Truth is, the stimulus didn’t create any lasting jobs for working Americans– but we kept people thinking it did. This total genius, Ed Pound, over at this joke called the Recovery Accountability and Transparency Board, comes up with the idea of reporting how many jobs we created  ‘or saved!’ Brilliant! Of course, we never did say which were which, and you can’t prove a negative, so if I say I’ve created or saved one million jobs, how do you know I didn’t save 999,999 of them, including yours, and maybe just created one?  And every summer we trot Biden out to tell everyone its ‘recovery summer!’ and we get Al Gore to say, ‘the stimulus worked!’ Talk about gaseous emissions! Okay, just one time, ABC slipped up and reported that 79 percent of wind-power money got spent in foreign countries–and even Chuck Schumer got pee-ohed. But you know Jewish liberals–they always fall back in line–so to speak–hey, did I do a microaggression there? LOL!

The best of everything!

Killing Mubarak, Gadaffi, and–oops–my own ambassador…..

Me and Mubarak–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, suckah!

“Meanwhile, in foreign policy, I totally screwed over our allies in Poland and the Czech Republic by cancelling the missile defense programs Bush negotiated. At home, I cut funding for that dopey star wars thing Reagan started to protect us from enemy missiles, and totally humiliated Benjamin Netanyahu, who’s Jewish, by ditching him and his posse in the East Wing when he refused to let me dictate what concessions Israel needed to offer the Palestinians. I sent him out the back door after he waited for me to finish dinner without him, so he had to walk past the trash cans! I sent Winston Churchill’s bust back to the British Imperialists who put my daddy in prison for trying to communize Kenya, and I ordered Hillary to pull the rug out from under Mubarak, that long-time pro-American toady in Egypt. So much for rubber stamping American strategic interests, allowing our  warships priority access to the Suez Canal, letting our aircraft use his airspace–and playing Mr. Softy with Israel! Out he went!

Me and Gadaffi–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, suckah!

“Next I persuade Hillary–who knows as much about foreign policy as she does about housekeeping–to help Mohammed Morsi and his Muslim Brotherhood take over Egypt–and I mean, this guy is a great choice–he thinks Jews evolved from pigs and he’s all about destroying the state of Israel–heck,the whole Muslim Brotherhood is just a wing of Hamas. So  he gets in and I send him 400 army tanks and a bunch of those F-whatever-they-call-’em airplanes–because he’s going to need ’em,  surrounded by a hostile state like Israel–and the whole thing looks perfect–we had the media in the U.S. calling it “Arab Spring!” So what happens? Some reactionary army general named Sissy–I swear, that’s his name– kicks Morsi out and takes over–and man, I threw a fit about it–I made every kind of threat I could think of–but Sissy was too dumb to feel threatened, I guess.

Gadaffi–last day on the job.

“Now, in Libya–this Gaddafi guy got bombed by Reagan way back in the day and got cold feet about blowing up Jews and Americans–and next he tells that “W” cracker he’s giving up his nuclear program so we don’t have to worry about him getting A-bombs or funding terrorists…boy, he never saw me coming! We bombed the crap out of him,which was pretty much illegal, but oh well–and when he finally tries to leave town and his own people grab him, strap him to some car and take turns stabbing him and shooting him–and Hillary goes on CBS and tells some brain-dead reporter ‘we came, we saw, he died!’ and she cackles that blood curdling cackle of hers– and I think, good grief, we can’t let people see this, it’s obscene! But you know what? Just more “Arab spring!”  Gaddafi was gone, Libya’s economy was ruined, there was no functioning authority, and terrorist factions devoted to killing Jews and Christians were left scrapping over the remains!

So then Hillary goes on CBS and brays like a jackass about it–really! How’d she ever think she could get elected dogcatcher?

How red was my Valerie!

“So Hillary’s so messed up she can’t walk straight, literally–and I’m thinkin’ this cows gotta go; but first we get this perfect opportunity to work with brother Morsi in Egypt to accomplish a mutual goal, namely freeing the Blind Sheikh. See, Americans are only interested in the dumb crap you wave right under their noses, so nobody remembers the Blind Sheikh bombed the World Trade Center during Bill Clinton’s administration, and even though the towers didn’t come down,Clinton had to throw the Sheikh in prison– a political prisoner if ever there was one! Naturally this infuriates the ‘Arab Street,’ and it drives my radical professor, lawyer, and ex-weather-underground comrades crazy, too, not to mention Valerie Jarrett! You know Valerie, right, fellas? She’s the Iranian communist Soros appointed as my chief of staff–man, she makes Van Jones look like Barry Goldwater! So all these folks are telling me we oughta do something to free the Blind Sheikh, but I can’t just pardon the guy–people would start to question my motives–and obviously my motives were the most closely guarded secret of my presidency! So what to do?

Sadly, the Sheikh, Omar Abdel-Rahman, died in prison–but we did our best!

“Well, Mohammed Morsi over in Cairo–did I tell you he rewrote the entire Egyptian constitution in one night? What a cool dude–anyway, Morsi is also totally committed to the Sheikh–he’s Morsi’s idol–so we come up with this really cool idea: Instead of just letting the guy go,which would  baffle the bourgeoisie, what if there was a hostage swap? What if an important member of the American diplomatic corpse was kidnapped overseas by a bunch of Muslims–only these would be good, ordinary Muslims who were really mad because, let’s say, some Christian in America made a movie critical of Mohammad. The Prophet, that is, not Morsi. And what if they demanded the Sheikh be freed from political prison and exchanged for the hostage? Like most great plans, this one was simple–and nearly foolproof.  Hillary would strip the consulate in Libya of its normal security and replace it with some local militia guys who weren’t worth bupkis.  Pleas to have the security restored and enhanced would be ignored. The patsy we picked to be kidnapped–the unwitting Ambassador–a friend of Hillary’s– would be snatched by overwhelming numbers of heavily armed, highly trained Ansar al-Sharia terrorists posing as disgruntled movie goers, and I would have no choice but to swap out the Blind Sheik for our guy, because my humanitarian concern would be so–you know–so overwhelming and stuff. Besides, the whole mad-about-a-movie angle would make it look like I was negotiating with a group of indignant cinema critics, not terrorists! What could go wrong?

SEALS of disapproval

Shoot, shoot, shoot!–and what could have been resolved quietly over the course of a few years becomes a case of mindless butchery at sea! I ask you, who were the real pirates in this scenario?

“I’ll tell you what went wrong–and not for the first time! It was those same same warmonger SEALs I’d tangled with early in ’09 when Somali pirates were holding an American ship captain hostage on a lifeboat.  One of our destroyer boats butts in, but I give very clear orders that any idiot could understand: Don’t do anything or intervene in any way unless the pirates are definitely gonna kill the guy, which won’t happen, because they need him–he’s a hostage, right? So the Somalis should have easily gotten the American captain to the African coast and hidden him inland, no problems, everyone fine–but no! The destroyer boat’s captain colludes with those SEAL maniacs to deconstruct my orders and they decide that just because one of the pirates happens to point his gun in the captain’s direction, the guy’s life is threatened–so bangity-bang, they shoot all the Somalis in the head–a disgusting bloodbath–and rescue the hostage, and I have to act as if I like it. As if I thought of it! Man, that had me steaming.

stevens

Ambassador Stevens, last day on the job.

“Okay, back to Benghazi. All I know is third hand, really because I was asleep in bed during the actual incident. Why bother hanging in the Situation Room, when I planned the situation, right? Hillary wasn’t there either–we all wanted to look surprised so we could say we didn’t send any rescue forces because it all happened so fast–which it would have, except for those damn Army SEALS!  Valerie’s in the situation room, handling what is supposed to be a perfectly routine seizure of American diplomatic personnel by irate Muslims, and everything’s going well. All of a sudden, a couple of those SEAL crazies decide to disregard all Valerie’s orders to do nothing, and instead they go do something–and the whole thing turns into this huge, all-night-long battle and when it’s all over and I wake up in the morning, we have a dead Ambassador because the Ansar al-Sharia guys lost their temper when those SEAL soldiers started shooting them, and we have no hostage swap, because who wants a dead Ambassador? And we have this other embassy dude dead, plus the two SEAL guys are dead–which serves them right for acting like Clint Eastwayne and disobeying direct orders–like, don’t they teach you to obey orders at SEAL camp?

So tell me, if the Left owns Hollywood, how on earth does a disaster like this movie manage to escape? Curse you Michael Bay–you can bet you’re getting audited!

“This makes the cover up pretty messy. Susan Rice, one of my Administration’s top up-and-coming Maoists, goes on every media outlet available all weekend, sticking to the story that some movie about Muslims is the reason everybody suddenly went nuts in Libya. I go make a speech at the UN and tell the same ridiculous story, and I blame American religious intolerance for the whole fiasco, saying, “a crude and disgusting video sparked outrage throughout the Muslim world.” Ha! Nobody’d ever seen the dumb thing except  a dozen people at some backroom showing in L.A., but I stood up there and lied up a storm, and everybody applauded. Even better, I took the opportunity to make a pitch for government control of the Internet so that in the future no more innocent people would get killed by Muslims justifiably upset by unregulated free speech! Never let a crisis go to waste!

Thank goodness for comrades like Samantha Power. When Susan Rice got in trouble for lying about Benghazi, Samantha, my favorite Jane Fonda admirer, took her place at the UN.  

“Hillary even told the parents and spouses of the dead Americans that we were going to get that guy who made the video—which came back to bite her after they found out it was total bull. The story didn’t stretch very well to explain a 13 hour battle with massed forces armed with mortars and RPGs during which nobody tried to help. We did throw Nakoula–the guy who made the video–in prison for insulting the Prophet, and he’d still be there if it was up to me. Sadly, the Blind Sheikh remained in prison and died there just a few weeks ago–and even sadder: Morsi’s in prison now too, since that Sissy guy took over Egypt–but Arab Spring was fun while it lasted! I finally ditched Hillary and replaced her with Comrade John Kerry–a diplomat so shrewd, there was already a plaque in his honor in Hanoi!

Incomplete successes….

“Sure, we had a few failures, and I’m big enough to admit it. We had this great website where citizens could go to report any neighbors, relatives, friends, or teachers who were talking trash about my policies—and it contained lots of reassurances for the public, such as, ‘For the record, the President has consistently said that if you like your insurance plan, your doctor, or both, you will be able to keep them.’ Poor, uninformed souls who didn’t believe stuff like that could be reported and receive educational outreach. Ha! Re-educational outreach is more like it. But so many people whined about it, we had to drop the idea. Even some liberals criticized it—like, what kind of liberal is against squelching criticism?

It’s not as though “re-education” is anything new. Pol Pot pretty much perfected it in the ’70s!

Pearls before swine in Copenhagen!

“One huge downer was earlier when Michelle and I flew to Copenhagen where they supposedly loved me because of the whole Nobel Prize thing, and we explained how important it was to me to make Chicago the site of the next Olympics–I gave this great speech mentioning myself 26 times in 44 sentences after which Michelle made an impassioned plea and mentioned  herself 44 times in 41 sentences– which I happen to know because that dirpy George Will guy–is he Jewish?–counted them, but the worst part was that even after we gave our time to fly over there and explain everything, that pack of White European ingrates gave the games to Rio–so that made for a long ride home. Even word that the number of Americans on food stamps was increasing by 11,000  a day  couldn’t cheer us up, thanks to those racist morons on the Olympic committee!

So it turns out I gave Chief Medicine Crow the Freedom Medal, which is different from the Congressional one somehow or other–and on top of that, the stupid Indian wasn’t even there!

“We had problems like Fort Hood where that oppressed Muslim officer shot a bunch of military types. I took the occasion to give shout-outs to my friends and staff and got everyone to applaud this Indian in the audience. I said he won the Congressional Medal of Honor, only he wasn’t there–and it turned out I really gave him the Freedom Medal, which is different, evidently, and besides everyone said I should’ve been solemn because Hasan just shot all those soldiers, but hey, nobody likes a Debbie Downer, right? And of course there was that dumb skeet shooting thing when I said I shot skeet ‘all the time’ at Camp David–like what are skeet, exactly? Anyway, we tried to back it up with that unfortunate photo–man, that was a mistake.  I don’t even want to talk about that one!

Despite firm White House warnings that nobody was allowed to photoshop my skeet-shooting photo, some jerks remained insufficiently intimidated!

Who needs political radio anyway? Radio used to be plenty entertaining without all that right-wing talk!

In all fairness…

“We also sent out a bunch of trial balloons about reinstating the Fairness Doctrine, but as usual, the reactionaries pitched a fit.  What do people have against fairness? Why should they just get to listen to what they wanna listen to?  Hey, before Reagan revoked the Fairness Doctrine we had “Tradio,” which nobody wanted to listen to, music shows, call-in psychics, car and financial advice, plus sports. What else do you need on the radio? All radio hosts were liberal, because that’s what the FCC called mainstream, and you don’t owe anyone equal time if you’re mainstream. Then Reagan ditches the rules and—bang!—you’ve got  Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Larry Ingraham, Mark Levi…they’re everywhere! So we tried to get back to where station owners had to put three hours of liberal commentators on if they ran someone like Limbaugh for three hours. Of course,most people don’t like listening to liberals (even liberals!), which is why you can’t find Air America on your dial anymore! So the owners lose money, so they cancel the liberals–which means they also have to get rid of Limbaugh and switch to 24-hours of self-help babble or sportscasting. Sadly, we failed to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, but we’ll rename it eventually and try again!

“We didn’t do any better at getting rid of FOX news, by the way—like when I had them locked out of our press briefings, man, everyone was up in arms. When I sent government employees to sit in their studios and monitor FOX’s broadcasts ‘to assure objectivity,’ they didn’t even care. Clearly, this remains a work in progress.

Killing Osama

“Also during my first term, I had to kill Osama Bin Laden–well, not me personally. Right from the start, I refused to approve any strikes on bin Laden.  Valerie and me–we were looking for ways around it–but the whole chiefs of whatever those pentagony militarists call themselves, they got to the point where I could see them leaking to the press if I didn’t act on the available info. In my defense, Mr. Nick, sir, I cancelled the darn operation at least three times! But after cancelling mission after mission I started looking like a wimp. Me, a wimp? Heck, I debated Alan Keyes! I tried to cancel the final mission–the fatal one–too, but those joint chief guys and even Panetta and believe it or not even Hillary pretty much bullied me into going ahead. Valerie said we had to give into the jingoists and besides, she said I might even get re-elected if I ‘got’ bin Laden–Americans seem to have an irrational hatred for the guy.

“But those SEALS didn’t just catch him, oh no! They shot him to bits and pieces. I had to say that we buried him at sea to get around showing the body–but I left that Pakistani doctor who ratted on Osama rotting in prison over there, so good luck collecting his twenty-five million! I also violated operational protocols and outed SEAL Team 6 as the trigger happy bunch that did the dirty deed–and as we all know, SEAL Team 6 was mysteriously blown to bits shortly afterwards when they were rushed aboard a big, slow, cargo helicopter and sent without any air cover into a known danger zone full of Taliban who seemed–heh, heh–to have been tipped off. Ka-boom! But I wasn’t finished! I found out they liked to wear those stupid ‘don’t tread on me’ tea=bagger flags on their uniforms–so I banned them! ‘Too radical,’ I told them! Like I said earlier, you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment!  Anyway, all in all, comrades, I hope we can agree that killing Osama was a necessary evil.

See that? Mess with the Man and say goodbye to your dumbass tea-bag flag!

“To sum up the rest of my first term, comrades, it went pretty smoothly. Eric Holder botched ‘Fast and Furious’ by getting caught, but the mainstream press wouldn’t talk about it, and we succeeded in arming the drug cartels. We overturned Arizona’s effort to pass some fascist law saying that they were going to enforce federal immigration laws even if I didn’t, and when that Jan Brewer hag got all up in my face about it on the runway, the press all said Governor Brewer was horribly disrespectful of me, so how dare she, right? Let’s face it, that kind of disrespect is only okay for Donald Trump! Ha!  And when the congress got antsy about all my deficit spending and tried to look responsible—which is a laugh, because they were so scared of me it was amazing—they did that sequestration thing, and all I had to do was shut down tours of the White House and throw a bunch of octogenarian war veterans out of some war memorials and say, see—see what those heartless Republicans did? Worked like a charm.

Close the fire department!

Ha, it costs nothing to keep war memorials open, and a fortune to police shutting them down–but it was worth it to see those geezer vets get turned away!

“That’s the first rule of maintaining socialist programs in a free republic, guys—as soon as they try to cut spending, close the fire department. As soon as they want to trim the fat or cut the pork out of some major boondoggle, threaten the oldsters and the vets. Works every time, and the press played it up like it was the GOP’s fault even after my emails colluding with the Department of the Interior to harass the vets got exposed by National Review--whatever that is!

“Unemployment went to new heights, but by assuming anybody who gave up looking for work no longer counted as unemployed, we hid the 11 percent unemployment figure. The media kept the real figures under wraps even when I finished my first term with two million fewer people working than when I took office, but I told the country I’d  ‘created or saved’ 4 million jobs…even though that meant I must’ve destroyed six million jobs, but hey, that’s another six million people who need government money to survive—and I call that progressive, comrades!

Never mind the math! This is my Secretary of Labor looking insulted!

“A bunch of conservatives like that Allen West guy, who’s Black, if you can believe it, started saying that the Department of Labor’s figures were “ludicrous,” and that capitalist pig Jack Welsh tweeted “..these Chicago guys will do anything–can’t debate so they change numbers,” so I just have my Labor Secretary says she’s “insulted,” and the story turns into this old rich White CEO bullying this poor, hardworking, Latina civil servant who’s also female—ha–this is why you appoint minorities to these positions, comrades! Never mind if they need it or deserve it, the PC political climate we’ve created makes criticizing them political suicide!

My promising career….

“As for promises kept? I did sign an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay’s detention camp–I just never actually closed it! But I freed a lot of the worst terrorists there who returned to the struggle for Islam on battle fronts in the Middle East. I promised to reduce American and Russian nuclear stockpiles, and I reduced ours tremendously while Russia actually increased theirs -but hey, it’s America that needs to come off it’s high horse, and Russia never keeps agreements anyhow. That’s when I got caught on a live mic begging Medvedev to tell Putin I could disarm faster after I got re-elected, which would’ve ended any Republican’s career, but nope—our media comrades buried it totally. I claimed I’d ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but  the terrorists nearly took back Iraq, and we’re still in Afghanistan, and I created a new war in Syria and fought an unconstitutional air war in Libya allowing terrorist factions to seize power.

______________________________

To infinity, and–never mind!

“I promised to make NASA ‘a robust program of space exploration and scientific discovery.’  Told everyone we’d return to the moon and land on ‘other distant destinations, including Mars.’ But that was all baloney. Thing is, even liberals like space stuff, so that was a crowd pleaser. In reality, I cut NASA’s budget, our Astronauts had to ride Russian rockets to reach orbit, and I re-tasked NASA with Muslim outreach, telling the new Director I wanted him to ‘reach out to the Muslim world and engage …with dominantly [sic] Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering.’ I had NASA focus on promoting global warming, too, until those 49 former NASA scientists and astronauts came out in 2012 and called it all nonsense. I can’t control everyone. Astronauts are almost as bad as SEALS, and it took a lot of effort to keep the story our of the mainstream!

And for my next trick…

I called ISIS the Junior Varsity, and then I called them ISIL to make my cultural sophistication obvious. But I never actually did much to stop them.

“To cap off my first term, I politicized the IRS  into a wing of the DNC, denying tax-free status to any Tea Party applicants. I laid our borders wide open to absolutely anybody who felt like coming into the country, ignored my constitutional obligation to deport illegal immigrants already in the United states, changed the rules of Obamacare without approval from congress whenever it seemed convenient, used the EPA to conduct a war against the coal industry, ordered intelligence reports altered to make my ‘war on terror’ look successful, and made the growth of ISIL possible by withdrawing from Iraq prematurely.

“My greatest achievement of course, was socializing American Medicine over the protests of a majority of Americans by ‘deeming’ Obamacare to have passed, after illegally conniving with House and Senate leaders to offer sweetheart deals to Democrat politicians so they’d pretend to like it! Reducing the best medical care system anywhere in the world to something resembling the DMV, only run by the IRS, was quite a feat. And they’ll never be able to get rid of it–NEVER! The media won’t let ’em and the GOP doesn’t have the guts! And as  icing on the cake, we spent 600 million on a website teenagers could have designed for peanuts, and found out it didn’t work. So we spent $2.1 billion repairing it.  Look, free health care doesn’t come cheap!

The only part of Obamacare that actually worked was the pretty girl’s face on the website–and she turned out not to be a citizen and said she wasn’t signing up–so we ditched her.

“I illegally nationalized the American auto industry and illegally reorganized it to enrich union leaders while shafting shareholders; I illegally targeted conservatives with the IRS, BATF and OSHA, militarized the Department of the Interior to threaten ranchers, forcibly federalized local police departments by concocting claims of racism;  promoted voter fraud by using the Justice Department to prevent states from issuing or requiring voter IDs, ignored a court order to lift my  illegal ban on deep water drilling in the Gulf, used the resources of the Department of Justice to ramp up public opinion against George Zimmerman, illegally swapped three top ranking terrorists for that deserter guy Bergdahl– with the same name as my dog– who defected to Al Qaida but got homesick; and I established an illegal ‘phone tax’ through the FCC so ‘every school child in America could have Internet service’—which never happened, but the tax is still there. I also got caught altering press conference tapes to remove embarrassing moments, and conspired to remove evidence of radical Islamic connections from criminal events like the Orlando shootings, which I preferred to blame on a homophobic NRA.

“And did I mention Common Core? Our bogus educational initiative actually turned what was left of America’s elementary schools into Marxist/Islamic indoctrination centers! Yep—all in all it was a good first term. And I was only getting started, comrades! There was plenty more to come!”

WTSCTGU file photo

The worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us. (file copy).

[Well, Mr. President, what do you think so far? Obviously your achievements on behalf of the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy (as we here at WOOF like to call it) are far too extensive to be summed up in just one installment. So PLEASE don’t go jetting off to Havana until you have the complete set, all right? Fidel isn’t going anywhere, and Old Scratch is infamously patient–so bear with us while we prepare the second installment of your career in review! As you know, it tops even your first four years of unparalleled vision and lengthy vacations, so stay tuned. And meanwhile, rehearse your delivery on this first chapter! We want it just right for the big moment! Remember–no sing-song!]WOOF PRINT