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How to Survive the Coming ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

In "The horror...the horror!" forum on December 10, 2020 at 1:46 pm

We feel obliged to begin this screed with a disclaimer, lest anyone mistake our motives. It remains theoretically possible, and by any rational estimation preferable, that Donald Trump may yet prevail in his efforts to prove the Democrat presidential victory invalid and retake the White House in defiance of the odds. We are no less convinced than the most avid Trumpers that chicanery played a decisive role in the perceived victory of Joseph Robinette Biden; and we are enraged by the grotesque amalgam of blatantly fraudulent practices adding up to the creative balloting practiced by the Democrat party.  We are no less infuriated by the realization that so despicable an assault on America’s elective process has been abetted by a duplicitous establishment eager to sweep the details from the spotlight, preserving such nefarious technics for future assaults on our Republic.

Otherwise, how account for the election of a doddering buffoon so divorced from reality as to persistently remind voters he was running for the senate, or alternatively, the vice presidency? How account for the appeal of a petulant crank who reacted to critics by shouting nonsense such as “if you don’t like it, you can vote for the other Biden!” and famously, to a 21-year-old female economics student attending one of his town rallies, “you’re a lying dog-face pony soldier!” –a yet-to-be explicated epithet the crotchety zombie blamed on John Wayne, who never uttered anything even remotely similar.  A crotchety zombie barely able to  to simulate English syntax who fondly recalled being sworn in as vice president by “Justice Stewart,” who never existed, a patriot who showed solidarity with America’s fighting men and women by yelling, “Clap for that, you stupid bastards!” when his remarks fell flat at Al-Dhafra Air Base…and a man so estranged from reality as to insist that gun violence claimed the lives of  “150 million Americans… since 2007,” whereupon he resolved to save the remaining two thirds of us by banning “AR-14s,” which is impossible, because they don’t exist.

Building the Zombie Consensus…

In fairness, it must be acknowledged that the pro-zombie vote may not have been effectively gauged, given how few deceased citizens respond to polls. Nevertheless, records show that endless processions of zombified voters became undead long enough to stumble numbly to their polling places this November, blindly determined to elect the first zombie president in American History.  And, mirabile dictu, the overwhelming majority, of dead people vote Democrat–perhaps because they have nothing to lose, being dead–or possibly in solidarity with America’s first undead presidential candidate.

Many deceased voters showed a penchant for voting early.

True, every three or four presidential elections, American voters of their own volition and quite apart from any confounding manipulations, attempt national suicide by electing liberal candidates–the proverbial triumph, one supposes, of hope over experience. Was it Biden’s pledge to “make sure we rejoin the Paris Peace Accord on day one”? (The Paris Peace Accord ended the Vietnam war.)  Or his promise to put 720 million women to work–about four million more women than there are Americans of either sex? Perhaps it was his heartfelt declaration that in the Democrat Party “we choose truth over facts!” Or his Town Hall pledge to support gender reassignment for 8-year olds?

“You’re full of sh*t!” (At least he completed a sentence!)

And in the heartland? Perhaps substantial numbers of gun owners drew sufficient assurance from Biden’s promises of support for the Second-Amendment at campaign stops. In Detroit, for example, Biden was fielding questions from auto workers when one expressed his concern that, if elected, Biden might take people’s guns away. Biden, in an apparent effort to emphasize his contrariant view of the matter, told the autoworker, “You’re full of sh*t!” Many gun owners, initially uncertain of Biden’s true intentions when it came to their right to bear arms, may have felt their concerns allayed by Biden’s frequent efforts to simply and plainly state his support. Such voters may have set their doubts aside upon hearing Biden speak decisively on the issue, as on one occasion when he plainly stated, “I support the Second Amendment–the Second Amendment, just like right now if you yell ‘fire’ that’s not free speech!” And in case that didn’t suffice to make plain his position on the matter, Biden ended by saying, “Guess what? You’re not allowed to own any weapons! I’m not taking your gun away at all!” On other occasions, the zombie candidate insisted he was only interested in banning “assault weapons”–an amorphous weaponological category referenced only by liberals, and precisely defined, so far as we’re aware, by no one ever.

An assault Weapon

Among the many arguments against masks, a relatively small number of critics have complained that they make wearers’ ears stick out, but obviously it remains a concern.

On the other hand, perhaps voters were attracted to Biden’s totalitarian approach to the pandemic–or at least those sufficiently naive to accept Biden’s word that 200 million Americans had already died from COVID-19.  Such voters may have voted Democrat in hopes that Biden’s proposed national lock down and mandatory mask policy might be enacted in time to save the remaining third of our citizenry.

On an encouraging note, and much to his credit, on the subject of Russian meddling in the election of Donald Trump, Biden settled the issue decisively, asking an interviewer, “You think that would have happened under my watch or Barack’s watch? You can’t answer that, but I promise you it wouldn’t have and it didn’t.” (Funny, that’s what we always said!)  But despite such occasional flashes of lucidity, it seems imponderable that a zombie won the popular vote–and by crushing numbers, albeit late in accumulating. (Zombies, understandably, seem to prefer voting after midnight.)  But no–viewed reaistically, the circumstances of the 2020 election are so glaringly stamped with the intaglio of deceit as to ring almost uniquely hollow.

“Wild and baseless allegations” (that are also false)!

Kellyanne may express realistic qualms about Trump’s chances, but from her demeanor, she clearly remains hopeful!

Be all that as it may, beloved readers, our bitter devotion to editorial realism requires that we devote tactical consideration to the possibility–indeed, the probability–of a zombie apocalypse in our nation’s immediate future. To ignore this fact out of loyalty to Donald Trump is tantamount to neglect of duty. Think of this as the Kellyanne Conway default. Kellyanne recently took a lambasting from more sanguine elements of the political Right by observing that ,”If you look at the vote totals in the Electoral College tally, it looks like Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will prevail,” Adding her own view that “the president is continuing to exhaust all of his legal avenues to challenge the results, as is his right to do.” Even this sensibly defended bow to current conditions so triggered the journalists at MSN News that they sandbagged it by instructively adding, “Trump has repeated wild and baseless allegations about widespread voter fraud in the election and falsely claimed that he won states that he lost to Biden.” Now that’s hard-hitting journalism! But let’s be objective. The devil is in the catbird seat–the co-conspiratorial media are monolithically engaged in perpetuating the cover-up, and barring some miracle, the prospect looms that packs of brain-slurping, undead oddballs may soon be traipsing through the West Wing as advisers and staffers to America’s First Zombie.  We realize the immediate instinct is to panic.  We realize the natural tendency is to lapse into immobilizing depression…but hey, nobody ever won a war with zombies that way!

What is to be done?

Now that we’ve reviewed the apparent strengths that swept Biden into office–and concluded there weren’t any–we are left to give credit for his victory to those who deserve it: The academy, the entertainment industry, the news media, the silicon-valley set, the communist Venezuelan gnomes who designed the voting machines, and what the candidate himself accurately described as “the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.” (Adding in the next breath that it was designed to “overwhelm the system,” thereby handicapping media efforts to dismiss the remark as the mere omission of a prefix.)

So what, now, to borrow Lenin’s famous interrogative, is to be done? First and foremost, fellow patriots, don’t lose hope, and don’t shrink from the fray! Remember, we are Americans–and they are only zombies! For four years all too many conservatives and independents emulated the citizens of Metropolis, gaping in awe while Superman fought all the monsters and evil geniuses. But Superman, while hardly dead or banished to the phantom zone, may soon be forced to surrender the oval office. This means the job of continuing the fight now falls to us. John Millius’s “Red Dawn” is upon us, citizens of Metropolis–so let us take up the fight with tenacity and resolve.

Stuff we can’t do much about…

“Enormously consequential” Wordsmith and Vox contributor Dylan Matthews–the new face of responsible journalism.

Your editors wish to thank the ever-assistful apparatchiks at VOX, and in particular author Dylan Matthews, for supplying a to-do list for the Biden presidency, helpful from their perspective, of course, because zombies cannot think unassisted–and from ours because it serves warning on a variety of areas in which liberalism can inflict almost immediate damage. The list, which Mr. Matthews entitled “10 enormously consequential things Biden can do without the Senate,” is helpful first because it provides insight into Leftist priorities, and second, because probably nobody wants a list of only-somewhat consequential things Biden can do; and Mr. Mathews has, we presume, weeded those items out.

Many items are, of course, predictably nitwitted. These include fighting climate change by investing 2 trillion dollars in clean energy, because that worked so well for Obama; forgiving student debt, because it’s only money; easing “the ban on marijuana” (which we didn’t know any longer existed); and cutting back on factory farming. We freely confess having no idea what this last item meant until Mr. Matthews was kind enough supply details. Apparently the good of the country exigently requires decreasing speed limits at slaughterhouses and pig plants, and resurrecting Barrack Obama’s “animal welfare rule,” which somehow slid under our radar originally–but we suppose animals have as much right to welfare as anyone.  It seems equally important that Mr. Biden direct the Postal System “to allow all Americans to create checking accounts at the Federal Reserve,” apparently because Bernie Sanders recommends doing so. “Cracking down on Wall Street,” (essential to any left-wing desideratum worth it salt), is dutifully recommended replete with lengthy descriptions of ways in which government can more assertively hobble free enterprise.

Just as predictably, “expanding access to health care” remains an urgent necessity, health care having been severely constricted by Obama Care, the supposed benefits of which were advertised as “free,”and cost a fortune. (Whatever additional tinkerings and centrally-planned brainstorms may ultimately constitute “Biden Care” will undoubtedly straighten all of this out.) One major health problem, American industry, will be combated with more and better air pollution restrictions. because, as author Matthews points out, “particulate matter pollution,” among sundry other devastating effects, contributes to “increased dementia/Alzheimer’s, faster aging, [and] mental impairment,” which should certainly motivate Joe Biden to seek revenge.

Dreamers committing acts of love, will once again be ushered into our country without documentation. until they are registered to vote Democrat.

Obviously, all of the above measures will kneecap the economy, drive prices higher, and insinuate government further into various areas of our lives–but that’s what liberal presidents always do, and somehow we always claw our way back from the abyss. A more disturbing reform urged by the VOX article is expanded immigration, which would hardly merit a raised eyebrow if the author wished merely to expand legal immigration under the law, but that–of course–is not the idea. The proposed “reform” calls for ever-larger swarms of undocumented foreigners illegally transgressing our borders, unhindered by ICE (whose abolition is not demanded by Mr. Matthews, probably because rendering it useless will make it a budgetary item best eliminated in the interest of debt reduction.)

This must be opposed, and is best opposed in congress. When Biden opens the floodgates, as he certainly will, the congress can be militantly lobbied to close the floodgates with legislation; for instance, a law prohibiting people who have entered the United States illegally from applying for citizenship. Another blow to immigration could come as a law barring illegal entrants from applying for work permits. A law prohibiting illegal entrants from receiving welfare, even if limited to entrants arriving subsequent to the law’s passage, would be icing on the cake. Biden can invite the entire population of Latin and Central America to vault our borders, but once the candy store closes, no one will come, illegally, that is. A hot enough fire lit under congress’s collective posterior can motivate even the most indolent legislator to respond.  If congress matches Biden’s calculated lawlessness by passing countervailing laws that in effect bolster existing laws, the tide can be turned, or at least reduced to a trickle.

Now, let’s look at the greater threats we face–the powerfully destructive changes Biden will attempt to impose on the country, and the damage he may inflict if not zealously opposed!

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