It is now widely known that Kim Jung Un, the baby-faced potentate with the failed Hugh Grant coif who has been the beloved helmsman of utterly Communist North Korea since his dad, Kim Jung Il became Kim Jung Dead about a year ago, has proceeded to launch a three stage ICBM-type missile despite warnings from the ever-feckless United Nations and the famously phlegmatic American State Department. Unimpressed by the existence of several United Nations resolutions (and resolutions affirming the seriousness of those resolutions), Pyongyang went ahead and lobbed its Unha (“Galaxy”) missile into space last Wednesday, causing an ever-alert Obama administration to lob Tom Vietor, (the self-same National Security spokesman who recently denied that President Obama has traveled to Mars on several occasions as reported by WOOF https://watchdogsofourfreedom.wordpress.com/science-the-paranormal-forum/) into the White House press room where he assured the usual assemblage of media simpletons that: “Given this current threat to regional security, the United Sates will strengthen our close coordination with allies and partners.” Tremble time, Kim Jong-Un! But of greater “regional” concern is the fact that the Communist missile can reportedly hit California. So how regional is that?
WOOF wants Californians, especially those who follow our website, of course, to be safe from nuclear devastation at the hands of this psychotic (though beloved) young man. With this in mind we have looked into which localities in the GoldenState are not subject to assault by atomic warheads launched from North Korea, or elsewhere. Our
research has revealed that three municipalities in California appear to be vouchsafed against harm. WOOF gave considerably thought to this matter before going to press with what you are about to read, mindful that our news may trigger mass intrastate migrations with attendant risks to life and property—but it is our considered belief that nuclear annihilation is serious business, and it is in this spirit of sober reflection that we have determined to reach out to all citizens of California, updating them on where to situate themselves in the event that atomic attack seems imminent. WOOF strongly encourages all Californians to remain where they are currently located, and take measures to relocate to safe localities only in the event that disaster cannot be otherwise averted. Here are the safe localities:
First, go to Berkeley. The citizens of Berkeley presciently voted to establish the official Nuclear Free Berkeley Act in 1986, and it remains a definitive
exemplar of this type of wisely prophylactic legislation. Ever ones to err on the side of caution, Berkeley residents posted signs at city limits proclaiming their nuclear free status, and lest any among us suppose this to be a hollow exercise in feel-good politics, take heed! Stiff fines are included in the ordinance for any who dare violate the injunction. (North Korea, as a point of information, is notoriously insolvent.) Based on Berkeley’s visionary initiative in this matter, WOOF recommends that Californians relocate to that city as the best safe harbor in the event of attack by North Korea.
Second on our list is the brave little township of Davis, California, which declared itself to be a nuclear free zone as early as 1984. Moreover, Davis was thoughtful enough to add an easement for the University of California campus at Davis which continues running its nuclear reactor at neighboring McClellan Air Force Base, because the patriotic citizens of Davis realized a lot of revenue would vanish if this facility closed down. Similar exemptions were enacted to preserve the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory because it was kind of famous and important and looked good in travel brochures, but these exemptions aside, Davis is dedicated to self-preservation for itself and all the peoples of the planet, and WOOF is recommending that as many Californians as possible go there in the event that nuclear assault seems unavoidable and Berkeley fills up!
Finally, WOOF suggests that Californians give consideration to Oakland as a the third safe haven in the event of nuclear aggression from North Korea. The forward thinking citizens of Oakland passed “Measure T” in 1988, declaring their city a nuclear free zone. Moreover, for good measure, Oakland added Ordinance No. 11062 CMS on December 6, 1988, washing its hands of any association with “any entity knowingly engaged in nuclear weapons work and any of its agents, subsidiaries or affiliates which are engaged in nuclear weapons work.” And WOOF’s crack team of International Blond Paralegals (IBP) has determined that this language definitely covers and subsumes North Korea, its products, armaments, and any nuclear devastation associated therewith. Meanwhile, concerned Americans in states other than California are justifiably concerned that the State Department’s latest denunciation of Kim Jung-Un’s missile launches as “highly provocative” may not prove effective in deterring the Communist rocket program, in which case North Korean capabilities may improve over time, placing additional states in jeopardy. Nervous citizens will be relieved to learn that approximately 190 nuclear free zones exist around the country, and never fear! WOOF will duly advise residents of the 49 remaining states where they may confidently seek refuge as their homes become target-able! Just another public service from your friends and fellow Americans here at the secret headquarters of Watchdogs of Our Freedom!