That splash you heard wasn’t Icharaus hitting the brine, although titanic efforts will be expended to convince you it was—no, it was just Newsweek magazine admitting the obvious—that it is morally, journalistically and financially bankrupt–and going under with a perfunctory gurgle. Already WOOF has noticed editor-in-chief Tina Brown (another of those insufferable Americanized British Leftists) telling anyone who’ll listen (and that’s everyone in the greater Eastern Liberal Media fraternity) that Newsweek was “a victim of the Zeitgeist.” Sounds a lot better, doesn’t it, than saying ‘yeah, we published such brain-dead ultra-leftist horse poop that even we got tired of reading it!” Not that Tina needs to worry. Power diving an American institution like Newsweek headlong into the drink won’t damage her reputation any—the Left adores anyone who went down swinging against those dreadful clingers and religionists out there in flyover country! No Tina, former editor of The Tattler and winner of four George Polk Awards (whatever those are) will still be there for us at the Daily Beast, and wherever else she can serve the Liberal cause. The rest of us can just be glad that Newsweek is off our backs, at least as a checkout counter eyesore!
But Newsweek is a small victory. The magazine that couldn’t put Obama on the cover often enough during the 2008 election, and typically showed him in supernal soft-focus, nimbus-crowned and benignant of countenance, and which also gave us such memorable cover stories as “Is your baby racist?” and “What do you do with a problem like Sarah?” (the cover of which was, at least, a super hot picture of our favorite Alaskan Governor, albeit purloined from a sports magazine without permission), would have
died a couple of years ago when the Washington Post put it up for sale for a dollar—but ultra-leftist billionaire Sidney Harman bought it and kept it on life support until his recent death. Now, no sugar daddy to sustain it, the end has come for the historic weekly. But the farther the magazine slanted left, the more certain its destruction became. In 2011 the USA Today founder Al Neuharth summed it up when he wrote that, “When Newsweek was owned by the Washington Post, it was predictably left-wing, but it was accurate. Under Tina Brown, it is an inaccurate and unfair left-wing propaganda machine.”
Newsweek started out honorably enough during the (first great) depression doing what it did throughout it’s existence—imitating TIME magazine. And it sold well to a readership that found TIME’s inverted sentence structures and coyly captioned photos a bit much. (We kind of liked them, actually.) But TIME also affiliated itself with the lock-step-conformist left of the post-Vietnam culture and went from the glory days of Henry Luce to its current state of journalistic psychosis—running articles like “Does it still matter?” in which the U.S. Constitution is deemed obsolete because the Founders lived in a world without, among other vital evidences of social evolution, Lady Gaga. A leading light at TIME, Mark Halperon, forgot himself during an NBC interview and casually reminded Lester Holt that, “…the media is very susceptible to doing what the Obama campaign wants…” (well, there goes the 4th estate!) while his magazine went to print with covers like the one purporting to explain “Why Israel doesn’t care about peace,” which rivaled in ridiculousness the hideous cover besmirching the Marine Corps monument while declaring “green is the new red white and blue.” Yes, green because TIME is absolutely hysterical over our planet’s phantasmagorical “fever.” Managing Editor Richard Stengel explained that, “we say there needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War II to combat global warming and climate change,” and seemed utterly unprepared to explain why, let alone why he thought this country had prepared for World War II, which it hadn’t. But this is a guy who says stuff like, “I didn’t go to journalism school, but this notion that journalism is objective, or must be objective is something that has always bothered me.” That’s right, gentle readers, TIME sucks every bit as horribly as Newsweek, and as you have probably noticed, its man of the year this year turns out to be (surprise!) President Obama. Its circulation is in the toilet, of course, but as we said already, this is simply evidence in the echo chamber of the snobbery-driven Left that glorious heights of elitist refinement have been attained. The evidence is ample! During the second half of 2009 news stand sales of TIME plunged 34.9%. During the first half of 2010, sales declined by an additional third. In the second half of 2010 they dropped another 12% to just over 79,000 copies per week, and lost another 2.9% in the first months of 2011… you get the idea, right? If TIME doesn’t find a sugar daddy of its own soon, Leftists like Halperon and Stengel will be standing around ritzy brie-and Chablis wingdings in New York accepting accolades from jet-set airheads for having flown their magazine into ground, fighting the good fight against Palinism and Tea Party neanderthals—and we’ll be cheering their demise as we are today cheering Newsweek’s! (WOOF gets all excited just thinking about it!)
But here’s the thing, as Patrick J. Buchanan always says (and WOOF still loves you Pat, even though your whole Israel take is shatterpated), we cannot—simply cannot—establish the supreme political dominance that our clarion right-wing policies so richly deserve, until we have smashed the death hold secular liberalism has on the press elites. We can’t afford the time to snicker at Newsweek’s discomfiture or TIME’s discomfort—we must press immediately onward, striking at the very heart of journalistic Stalinism. We must ruthlessly expose and mock all those who shamble across our TV screens numbly reciting the tacky shibboleths of lock-step liberal conformity—all those who bespatter the pages of our daily papers with copybook twaddle from the subversive AP or the despicable Mensheviks at Reuters! Let our billionaires and millionaires pool their assets and purchase cable networks! Let our journalists publish papers! Let our ensign go forward, and slay the minions of ‘60s era radicalism on the battleground of ideas! Or, say– everyone can just read WOOF! That’d be great, right? But in case that doesn’t happen, here’s another idea:
WOOF is hereby organizing “Operation Righteous Ninja”—or we could change the name to something else if nobody likes that name, but we like it. Anyhow, the idea is that young conservatives and counterrevolutionaries who are interested in entering the field of televised or print journalism agree to dissemble their political leanings and posture as drooling, left-wing sycophants—which process will serve the dual purpose of disguising their true aims and making it infinitely easier for them to find jobs. This could really work—we got the idea from that old Charles Bronson movie Telefon—remember it? Maybe not, it’s pretty old, but it was about these Russian sleeper agents waiting to spring into action for the Kremlin when the word came from Moscow—And that’s what we’ll do—only we won’t be commies, obviously–we’ll infiltrate the ranks of the Eastern Elite Leftist Media pretending to be the latest wave of mindless, cookie cutter liberals from journalism school, but when the time comes, once our people have worked their way up the ladder of success a bit—we strike! And suddenly there is this massive infusion of right-of-center sagacity where before there were only the barren vistas of endless progressivism! Don’t you think that could work? Take the brilliantly capable and preternaturally attractive E.D. Hill, who was fired by FOX for correctly identifying the Obamas’ fist bump as a terrorist salute…we hear she’s working at CNN now; could she be a Righteous Ninja?
Remember, as long ago as 1988, 76 percent of America’s journalists reported voting for Michael Dukakis for president. It may be the case, in fact, that only journalists voted for Michael Dukakis to be president,
or Fritz Mondale for that matter. We do not have to turn the tables completely, dear readers! A fifty-fifty balance is all that would be necessary to vouchsafe a future free from incessant collectivist/socialist agitprop blared into our children’s ears and cascaded across their uncritical gazes! And of course, we must be careful not to oust those who unwittingly serve our cause— people like Chris Matthews, and Keith Olbermann (if he ever gets another job—like, is he even working right now?) are probably good for our cause because people, even people who vote Democrat, cannot watch them for long without realizing that they’re pretty much just insane– like, do you remember Olbermann’s “how dare you Mrs. Clinton” rant from the ’08 election? We couldn’t take our eyes of the screen–but a sudden sea change in the basic population of the news industry could undoubtedly be effectuated if our plan is followed and the networks don’t learn to use that new Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging technology to examine our operatives’ neural activity by using powerful magnetic force to trace blood-flow changes—because then they could tell our agents were infiltrating. See, that could be a problem…but that’s not a hiring process yet, is it?
But anyway, Newsweek is dead, TIME is moribund, nobody watches CNN and of the 15 top blogs in America, fully nine are right wing or right of center…and that’s not counting WOOF, which is too new to the Internet to have topped the list as of yet; and besides, we tend to hide out from people, due to the vital and secretive nature of our work. In fact, if we were any more popular than we already are, we wouldn’t have shared the above plan for Operation Righteous Ninja with you in this forum—but we figure you can keep a secret. The main thing is to balance the media, balance the academy, and take back the entertainment industry. WOOF has lots of other brilliant plans for how this can be accomplished, but for now our Righteous Ninja scheme is enough to contemplate, unless you want to turn in your Godless Red subversive teacher or professor in which case see our “Just say HUAC” archive—and don’t lose heart out there! Watchdogs of Our Freedom will be up late tonight, as always, hatching schemes and building dreams!