You know ObamaCare is falling apart, right? And we told you it would, right? And you probably knew it would anyway, so let’s skip that for now—and the fact that John Forbes Kerry (who was in Vietnam before he was against it) has undertaken a disastrous diplomatic initiative with the Iranian government aimed at enabling it to perfect nuclear weapons for exportation to terror groups worldwide as well as for domestic applications such as, say, the elimination of the state of Israel (of which Our Beloved Helmsman and his Secretary of Defense are notoriously unfond) has certainly gained your notice—and besides, we just finished discussing that with you. And, oh…glamorous Hollywood stars are having their breast enlargements reduced to keep abreast (sorry!) of the latest trends—did you notice that? If not, we just told you.
So, all that aside, we’ve decided to dredge up a topic that is not currently “hot” in the political arena—thus, of course, sacrificing hundreds of mouse clicks that we might have captured had we chosen to discuss, say, Miley Cyrus, Alec Baldwin, or Robert Ford, (the Mayor of Toronto, not the guy who shot Jesse James) or any other slow motion train wreck currently in the news…or the actual train wrecks for that matter. But you know what—that’s okay. We don’t need to scrabble for clickers, we need to keep our loyal cadre of supporters aware of what’s really important out there…of what’s actually bubbling beneath the putrescent surface of the febrile swamplands of the socialist left. And that leads us to this morning’s topic—immigration! Or rather, as it is more popularly phrased nowadays, “immigration reform.”
Is reform irredeemable?
Reform always does well in focus groups, you see… any kind of reform; which goes a long way toward explaining why the Left can’t get enough of it. Most Americans scowl the moment anything so ludicrously shatterpated as “legalization of illegal immigrants” gets mentioned to them—because even the contemporary American “likely voter” knows that he’d have to be out of his of generally distractable but not entirely disserviceable mind to go along with anything that daft. Heck, it would be almost as scatterbrained as voting for Obamacare. Twice.
What ought to be explained here for the less acute among us (and we are picking up some erstwhile Obama supporters as we march merrily along here at WOOF, so there are such among us—you know, constituents of that 40% of Americans obtuse enough to have favored Obamacare at its most popular) is that stamping conspicuously odious endeavors with the earmark of “reform” is a standard left-wing hornswoggle applied to any patent non-starter on the Democrat to-do list. Evidently, reform is a difficult concept to oppose!
So here it comes again, gentle readers, dusted off, ironed out, and slapped onto another essentially unsalable product, namely the sociocultural destruction of the nation that conquered the West, built the railways (but not the “intercontinental” one), bridged the waters, won its every war, erected the cities that scraped the skies, salvaged the world after destroying Hitler, and faced down the fiendish totalitarianism of Russian communism. That would be us. And we did this all while maintaining an openhearted system of immigration that made this country the dream of every under-trodden European or Asian or African or Jewish or Hispanic or Latino pilgrim with the wherewithal to come here and the determination to remain—and to remain as what we all wished to be in those days. Americans.
But suddenly this process that built the wealthiest, mightiest, most admired, most God fearing, unapologetically freedom loving nation in the history of our planet, needs reform….immigration reform. It needs to tell the 28% of those strangers in our midst who have come here illegally (if the recent PEW poll is correct) that, hey, that’s okay today—because today we fully accept them anyhow, in fact we love them just the way they are. All that fuss and fulmination about meeting some woefully antiquated criteria for living among us based on some long-forgotten steam-age standards established by a bunch of long-since-decomposed (not to mention suspiciously Caucasoid) arbiters of a bygone commonweal—well, that’s all as obsolete as the buggy whip, decent health care and the heterosexual military, because, America demands reform!
The magic of multiculturalism
Well, more accurately, Progressivism demands reform! Liberalism demands reform! And the countless newspapers, magazines, media broadcasters, TV anchor babblers, show-biz know-it-alls and all the professorial Maoists in our citadels of higher learning, all, as in one voice, as if by tumult, demand reform! So make no mistake, Woofketeers, the idea that immigration reform has failed—that it has been shrugged aside and left to wither—is baloney. It is very much alive! Ask your kids if you doubt us—and what do they teach your kids about illegal immigration? They teach them it’s multiculturalism. And multiculturalism is good, just as Western culture is bigoted, Euro-centric, and built upon a junk heap of lies and injustices—the kinds of racist, greedy capitalistic abuses the multicultural influx will sweep from our land like a righteous broom. Got all that? It’s important to grasp, especially if you want to keep up with what your kids are learning in school.
Let us, therefore, turn our thoughts to the current American drive for diversity and outreach that encompasses the flood of foreign-born “illegals” overwhelming our shores in these times–despite their lacking the funds, education, linguistic abilities (or inclination in many instances) to fit the American blueprint. Immigration reform will once again come to light as the next great transformative mechanism of the age of Obama, and as we ponder these rich veins of cultural influx, perhaps turning our thoughts to the beneficence of maintaining an invitingly porous southerly border, we find ourselves fixated on a specific time and place in our national history—yes—we find ourselves irresistibly drawn to that generative moment in the shaping of our national psyche with regard to such matters. We find ourselves remembering…..the Alamo.
Remember the Alamo?
The whole problem with Mexico resulted from illegal immigration in Texas. In 1829– a result of the unchecked flow of U.S. immigrants into the territory, the Anglos wound up outnumbering native Spanish speakers by a considerable margin. First, Mexico sought to capitalize on this incursion by levying property taxes and increasing the existing tariffs on American imports. The American immigrants (and the wealthier Mexican merchants in the area) refused to meet these demands, so Mexico declared Texas closed to additional immigration, but they forgot to build a fence, so the immigration of Americans into the territory continued illegally.
Mexico’s dictator, General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, decided to make Texas Mexican by military subjugation. Stephen Austin responded by declaring Texas independent from Mexico. Santa Anna responded by marching into Texas and toward the first obstacle he perceived, namely the Alamo. Sam Houston knew perfectly well that there were not enough “Texians” available to defend the Alamo, so he sent Jim Bowie to evacuate the old mission, remove its artillery and blow it up. But Bowie, being Bowie, decided to stay and defend the place. Duly, Santa Anna pulled up outside with 1,800 soldiers and laid siege to the garrison of 189 volunteers.
And as every American school child used to know, (back when the image of Fess Parker and Buddy Epsen battling to their last breaths for Texas was graven into every young imagination) Davy Crockett died at the Alamo, along with 188 other defenders including Bowie, Travis, and James Rose—a friend of Crockett’s who was the nephew of James Madison. Not “Thimblerig,” though; the lovable con artist who teams up with Crockett in so many novels and films seems not to have existed. Anyhow, the Alamo’s defenders delayed Santa Anna for 13 days and killed at least 600 of his soldiers, allowing Sam Houston’s forces to finish the Mexican army off at the subsequent Battle of San Jacinto, resulting in independence for the Republic of Texas in 1836.Unfortunately, strife with Mexico was not ended by Texas’s independence, partly because of continuing border disputes. Just as vexingly, California was teeming with settlers who wanted to play “The Texas Game” and win independence, which wasn’t going over well in Mexico. Following a Mexican attack on an American patrol, President Polk (a Democrat) declared war on Mexico—and after a series of military successes he imposed terms affirming the Rio Grande as a border between Mexico and Texas, and transferring California to the United States. Now, you might think that at face value this would represent a triumph for multiculturalism mightn’t you? In fact, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo gave us possession of California, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado—all of which thereupon benefited from massive infusions of settlers from a wide variety of mainly-European cultures, enriching those localities in numerous ways and promoting economic growth throughout–a clear case of immigration and cultural intermingling leading to unprecedented regional growth.
Yet, here we are, a mere 165 years later, and not everyone is pleased with the multicultural triumph that President Polk preferred to call Manifest Destiny [which concept is expertly explained here] . It is perfectly understandable that Mexican citizens see the economic (and social-service) advantages that exist on the American side of the border and seek to immigrate hither—who can blame them? This understandable desire becomes problematic only insofar as it is pursued without regard to the law. After all, we won the war with Mexico legally, and Mexico’s citizens should obtain green cards or citizenship legally—it’s only fair.
More than fair!
But we at WOOF want to be more than fair, especially when it comes to multicultural outreach. We realize that many Hispanic activists, as well as many loyal, albeit befuddled Americans of other ethnicities believe that justice demands the suspension of the legal process governing immigration—a logical absurdity, of course, but widely subscribed to, nonetheless. We understand that many extreme but influential Hispanic and Chicano organizations are overtly or at least furtively supportive of dispensing with immigration law and working toward Reconquista –the reconquest by infiltration of those territories that were part of Mexico before Texas gained independence and before the “Mexican Cession” which is a polite phrase from 1848, meaning surrender (although we did go so far as to pay Mexico 15 million dollars for the real estate).
But WOOF’s objection to the advocates of Reconquista is not that they wish to reverse history or abolish our laws—but rather that these organizations are racially biased, often calling for the ethnic cleansing of races within the territories they intend to reacquire who are not of La Rasa—“the race.” Obviously, this is not at all multicultural.
“Absolutely not dead” –the Republican problem.
Further, we have the complication of every Democrat and every RINO and (for reasons that remain unexplained), Marco Rubio, advocating “immigration reform,” which would mean the end of the American Republic as any recognizable semblance of the Founders’ vision, even as it would cede to the socialist left an automatic election-day nod from millions of previously illegal immigrants who would become (voting) beneficiaries of amnesty, should amnesty occur. Do you doubt that Republicans support this disfigurement of the electorate? Reince Priebus, who unlike the legendary “Thimblerig” seems to be a real person and who is, in any case, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said in November that, “Something significant is going to happen…I don’t think doing nothing is an option. And I believe most people would agree that something significant needs to take place. Now what that is, I don’t get to make that decision,” to which WOOF adds, thanks be to a merciful Providence! (And why don’t RINOs like Priebus ever think “doing nothing is an option”?)
There are, sad to say, numerous Republicans who will enthusiastically join the Democrat drive to enfranchise illegal aliens whose best understanding of our system is that the government should give them stuff (placing them, admittedly, on a par with a couple of successive generations of our native-born citizens and squarely in the mainstream of today’s Democrat Party). John McCain, naturally, is the most conspicuous and least coherent RINO to support “reform,” and his good friend Lindsey Graham has proven an enthusiastic “bipartisan” as well. But the House is where such legislation could be stopped, were it not for the fact that a growing number of House Republicans think “reform” is a great idea, including Jeff Denham (R-Calif.), Ilena Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla), David Valadao, R-Calif), Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.).
House Speaker John Boehner insisted this past November that immigration reform is “absolutely not” dead. Boehner reported himself “encouraged” by President Obama’s assurances that he was amenable to the GOP’s idea of addressing immigration reforms in a series of smaller bills. Well, duh! When it comes to “boiling the frog” through a series of subtle legislative steps, who is more approving or adept than the Fabianist Left?
A choice, not an echo!
Once again we see the irrelevance of the mainstream Republican party on display. Why subscribe to a party that listens to the Democrats’ socialist agenda and than says either “us too!” or else, “we want the same thing, only it should happen slower”? Not that there isn’t precedent for Republicans opposing the Mexican Cession. Lincoln opposed the war with Mexico, although, to be precisely factual, he was a Whig at the time. But we have today a Republican party that opposes nothing except insofar as it can be seen to have tweaked or enhanced or decelerated it prior to stringing along with it. Why bother? So the probable outcome of this increasingly evident phenomenon—the increasingly evident transition of Republicans from an opposition party into a tag-along troop—would seem to be the eventual collapse of the GOP. Just as the Whigs suddenly vanished in a puff of irrelevance, so will the party of Boehner, McCain and Cantor…unless the conservative remnant manages to stage a takeover (as Goldwater did in ’64 and Reagan in ’80), or unless the Republican alternative is one of such manifest distinctness and genius that it clearly represents a choice rather than an echo. Sadly, the Republican Party has no such plan—but luckily for everyone, WOOF does!
The Inspired Compromise
Perhaps Reince Priebus was correct in asserting that “something significant needs to take place.” Perhaps the radical Hispanic and Chicano groups can be cajoled into realizing that the broadest ambitions of Reconquista are not achievable. Republicans, at the same time, should have their attention directed to the probability that an authentically humanitarian and quasi-apologetic (thus admirably humble) gesture toward Mexico will capture the public imagination—especially the liberal imagination, which is inherently self-flagellating— and put an end to complaints about imperialist tyranny and cultural usurpation for at least a century. It will also evince such sweep, grandeur and creative boldness that any Liberals who oppose it will appear to be incorrigible racists and knavish jingo-ists. It will, simultaneously, save the Republican brand from going the way of all second-rate knock-offs…except Pepsi, that is, which is still around. But a lot of people really like Pepsi, so there’s no accounting for taste.
So here’s the plan: An agreement will be signed by all interested parties, including the Mexican government, the United States, all supportive Hispanic-rights organizations and the usual number of inapposite dignitaries from France, Austria, and of course the Hague just to class things up, and maybe Bono (the U-2 dude, not Cher) if he’s available. The agreement having passed through the advise-and-consent process in the United States Senate and having won ratification by more than the two-thirds majority required by Article II section 2 of the Constitution because none of the Senators wanted to be called racists or jingoists, the Government of Mexico and all signatory parties will freely acknowledge that Mexico has no further territorial claims upon any portion of the United States or its protectorates, and will abide in perpetuity by the new borders delineated in the treaty. A “right of return” will be established, meaning that any illegal aliens of Mexican origin apprehended within the United States who are not obliged to stand trial in the United States will be repatriated to Mexico with the full consent and assistance of the Mexican government.
A fence will be constructed along the entire length of the newly delineated border, costs for which will be absorbed by the United States while the majority of the labor will be supplied by verifiably illegal aliens who will be reimbursed for their efforts by a one-time cash payout as particularized in the treaty, or alternatively by being awarded American citizenship. Those who receive the substantial one-time-only cash reimbursement will be required to return to Mexico. Mexico will agree that any American citizens whose places of residence may fall within territory newly ceded to Mexico will be offered Mexican citizenship or permanent resident status. And, of course, to paraphrase Thomas Magnum, we know what you’re thinking. What on earth would induce Mexico to enter into such an arrangement with the United States—what could we possibly offer them that would make all of this worth their while? And the answer is simple, brilliant, and irresistible.
We will offer them California. They can have the entire state, and we’ll even absorb the former state’s debt in the process. Mexico will inherit approximately 38,041,430 new residents, all of whom, who receive taxable income, will be paying taxes to Ciudad de Mexico. Moreover, California likes to describe itself as the 9th largest economy in the world—which is true in a sense—just as it is true that the Titanic was the largest ship afloat, even as it was sinking. With its debt forgiven, however, the Californian economy will be a boon to the peoples of Mexico—a powerful engine of productivity beyond the scope of their wildest imaginings… and think of the catharsis American liberals will uniformly experience, unburdening themselves of so much atavistic guilt!
Bearing the sacrifice…
The only down side for the United States, besides the obvious sacrifice of so many tax paying citizens and corporations, will be the loss of our beloved entertainment industry, much of which will either reconfigure itself in other locations or adapt to making films in Spanish, and, perhaps even more tragically, the loss of those mighty centers of higher education such as University of California Berkeley that have contributed so much to our national character over the past decades, and perhaps most painfully the loss of those hugely influential “take all” Electoral College votes—all 55 of them. Yes, it will be difficult for America to continue without those 55 electoral votes popping up on our TV screens every four years—on that deep blue background—but in the interest of fair play for Mexico, WOOF believes all true Americans will unite and shoulder the burden bravely.
Won’t you help spread our vision?
The way forward seems simple, dear readers. Mexico needs California more than we do, and giving it to them in exchange for a few comparatively lambent demands is simply the right thing to do. Not Texas, though, they can’t have Texas, or Utah, or Arizona. They can’t even have Nevada or Colorado. But the idea of sacrificing California in the interest of multicultural outreach and the sheer poesy of an intensely introspective national ablution achieved thereby is so noble—it seems irresistible, don’t you think? If we can simply make the plan known to a few men and women of vision and good conscience in Washington—a new age could dawn for both Mexico and the United States. Won’t you help pass this plan along to your Senator or Congressperson? We here at WOOF ask no credit or attribution, we only seek to be helpful. And yes, we feel that this is our best idea since the time we suggested that Darfur salvage itself by invoking protections vouchsafed it under the Anglo-Egyptian concordat of 1916 and declare itself a British Colony—but the fools wouldn’t listen! Won’t you help us get the people to listen now? About the California idea, we mean. That whole Darfur thing just didn’t work out.
WELCOME MOLDOVA! WOOF WELCOMES OUR VERY FIRST CLICK FROM THE GREAT AND INDEPENDENT NATION OF MOLDOVA!
WOOF salutes our very first Moldovan clicker who checked in on the 4th of December, 2013. It is with great pleasure that we welcome Moldova to our site, and here’s to many more viewers in Moldova joining our international readership! Let’s all remember to keep August 27 circled on our calendars as Moldovan Independence Day–the date when in 1991 this great nation threw off the yoke of Soviet oppression following the failure of an attempted Soviet coup and declared itself a free republic! WOOF salutes you, Moldova, and invites your citizens to peruse our quasi-demented ravings free of charge, any time! Cu placere!