WOOF is saddened to report that South Carolina’s beautiful and talented Governor, Nikki Haley, chose to ignore the excellent advice she received in these pages last week, and jolted patriots everywhere with her surprise pick of Tim Scott, formerly of the House of Representatives, to replace the outgoing Jim DeMint who has been pressured by unknown conspirators into leaving office, ostensibly to become the Director of the moderate political think tank, the Heritage Foundation.
Haley, looking lovely in a sensible, muted purple dress suit, insisted, “It is with great pleasure that I am announcing our next U.S. senator to be Congressman Tim Scott,” Haley added, “I am strongly convinced that the entire state understands that this is the right U.S. senator for our state and our country.” Shocked observers noted the glaring omission of any mention of the alternative selectee, former Florida Representative Allen West, whom WOOF recommended to Nikki Haley in a stroke of political-cum-Machiavellian genius only last week. What prevented the striking South
Carolina Governor from so much as explaining her motives in ignoring WOOF’s plan for this Senate selection that we offered together with complete instructions on how to finesse the minor residency issues? Who got to Nikki Haley? WOOF wishes to emphasize two points here despite its undeniable disappointment in the Governor’s actions. First, no matter what sort of pressure was brought against her by the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy, WOOF believes that this irresponsible action by the Governor is the exception rather than the rule in a career of solid, all-American right-wingery; and WOOF continues to believe that Nikki Haley is a fine American and a true patriot deserving of our continued support. Also, WOOF believes that Tim Scott will prove a beneficial addition to the roster of Republican Senators in Washington, inasmuch as he has, while in the House, acquired the reputation of being a fine exemplar of center-right politics and middle American ideals.
Further, WOOF magnanimously congratulates Senator Scott on his elevation to the upper body of Congress,
but simultaneously enjoins him to carry forth the fight that Representative West was championing in the House of Representatives. Senator Scott, sir, with all respect, Allen West knows, we know, and we believe you know the facts. As Congressman West bravely stated, “There’s about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party that are members of the Communist Party.” WOOF’s special file on communist subversion at the highest levels of government and elsewhere inside America, Classic Western Home-runs (it’s code!) confirms these figures but also includes the names of quite a few communists and fellow travelers in the Senate as well! Pledge now, sir, we beg you; while there is still time! Carry on Congressman West’s valiant fight against the enemies of America who flourish in both legislative bodies and throughout the subversive news media! Hunt them down—hunt them even to the Oval Office, but carry on the good fight! WOOF is undeniably sorry that unnamed, clandestine, nefarious combinations succeeded in dissuading Governor Haley from pursuing WOOF’s common-sense policy proposal that she appoint Allen West to the Senate—but this is your time, Senator Tim Scott; and is there any among us who will not say, “Take it to the enemy within–and give ‘em what they have coming, sir!”
Remember, Senator Scott—Thomas Jefferson once shot a man on the White House lawn for treason!* Can any of us aspire, in our own ways and within the compass of our own talents and opportunities, to do less? Good luck, Senator Scott, and God’s speed!
*In its ongoing efforts to maintain only the highest standards of online journalism, WOOF wishes to acknowledge that Thomas Jefferson almost certainly did not shoot anybody on the White House lawn, despite considerable Internet debate on the issue. The story seems to have arisen from John Travolta’s advertence to such an event in the film “Swordfish,” which was a good movie, and we just like the quote. The writers of “Swordfish” are rumored to have misconstrued a distorted version of the shooting of Vince Foster on the White House lawn by Hillary Clinton—but WOOF has never been able to confirm that event, either!