WOOF! Watchdogs of Our Freedom

Archive for the ‘Science and the Paranormal forum’ Category

Annual PSY-WARS: Nostradamus vs. the Wizard of Zug!

In Science and the Paranormal forum on January 21, 2022 at 8:13 am

Time once again for our quasi-annual, semi-traditional review of psychic predictions for the coming year–and for 2022 we decided to stick exclusively to the prophetic gleanings of the man himself, everybody’s favorite plague doctor, mystical astrologer, gongoristic ambiguator, and dabbler in poetic verse, Nostradamus--a man so famous he needs no additional name…you know, like Donovan.

Except Donovan had less staying power, possibly because he didn’t predict enough death and cataclysms…which is why we figure a lot of you never heard of him.

Le book–or one of several. Nostradamus was an inveterate prophesier–he doesn’t seem to have been able to help himself.

Anyway, the problem immediately encountered when considering the 942 predictions in Nostradamus’s 1555 A.D. best seller, Les Prophéties, is that they are written in poetical quatrains filled with symbolic and metaphoric allusions. In other words, it’s practically impossible to figure out what the author is trying to say.  This endemic mushiness, on the other hand, makes the author’s predictions easier to fit to occurrences in retrospect.  In other words, Nostradamus was good at predicting things that would already have happened.  Perhaps our clarifications can make him more understandable in advance of the events themselves.

This kid wouldn’t sleep so peacefully if he knew what’s coming!

Readers unaware of our sterling reputation for editorial uprightness might be forgiven for suspecting us of skewing Nostradamus’s language to suit our own malevolent purposes. This is precisely why we applaud those of his acolytes who step forward boldly, offering plain English summations of his pretentious quatrains.  This year, naturally, these devotees have listed their interpretations of the seer’s predictions for the year 2022.

Hard at work as usual–so many prophecies, so few stock tips.

To ensure the accuracy of the translations we have looked into the numerous examples online of prophesied events from Nostradamus’s opus magnum, and winnowed the lot down to ten prophecies that are most widely agreed upon by the majority of his devoted Nimrods.  Where slight discrepancies were noted, they are also noted and responded to in our text. But none of this would matter, gentle readers, were we not willing to offer our own opinions of the predictions, and their likelihood.  Sadly, nobody in the WOOF cave is psychic, so we obviously needed help.

Return to Zug…

Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters, into the mystic, way better than Nostradamus.

As on many previous occasions, we reached out to the palatial residence of WOOF’s privately retained psychic, Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters, who makes his home in  beautiful, historic, Zug, Switzerland (nestled against the breathtaking azure placidity that is Lake Zug).  Goot, for quite some time, served as WOOF’s official seer, prophesier and mystic, until he horribly (and embarrassingly) botched a prediction on which we premised an entire article. Because we courageously acknowledge such matters, our classic miscalculation is viewable here, (though for obvious reasons we’d prefer you skipped it.)

Nostradamus (publicity still)

More recently, however, Goot performed flawlessly acting as a medium and conjurer during our intern’s interview with Karl Marx (viewable here). Graciously, Goot further agreed to go into a self-induced psychic trance during which he reviewed the Akashic record to determine the accuracy or inaccuracy of the famed Renaissance seer’s insights for this year.As readers will quickly perceive, Nostradamus predicts a particularly dire year, whereas Dr. Walters views his predictions somewhat askance. The bolded red text, then, is Nostradamus, while the italicized text delineates the response from our rehabilitated physic who has staked his reputation (and continuing association with WOOF) on his superior visionary acuity. 

Goot fearlessly confutes Nostradamus.

We promise to tabulate the scores of both involved parties at New Years, 2023, unless of course, Nostradamus is correct and we get eaten by robots, or whatever.  So–without further adieu, let the game begin!

1.“So high the price of wheat/That man is stirred/His fellow man to eat in his despair.”
What is so rare as a comprehensible line of verse from Nostradamus, but this one is pretty clear, though only partially correct! All the first part basically means is that Nostradamus knew President Biden was coming. It doesn’t take a psychic to realize that inflation will result.  Wheat is a reference to food in general, but I will go further and auger that he price of practically everything will go up. This will include vital index items, like beer and pizza, both of which often contain wheat, but non-comestible staples such as electric massage devices, ukuleles, overalls, sunglasses, gas masks, underwear, and yes, even staples, will all soar in price.  So my prediction is clearly more comprehensive than Nostradamus’s. But if the government compensates by offering Americans a Universal Basic Income, (which is a dumb name because the universe is impervious to such nonsense) it may keep Americans from becoming universally “food insecure” as you call it in America.  It will also inflate the currency so severely that all Americans will soon be millionaires–a strong point that Biden should emphasize in 2024.

Sometimes, even chickens eat each other.

As for men eating each other, they do that now. Cannibalism remains a popular dietary option in New Guinea, Fiji, Melanesia, the Amazon Basin, the Congo, and among he Māori people of New Zealand. So predicting that men will eat each other is silly. That Americans should fear attack by hungry cannibals is also silly. Even the French will not eat each other –at least not this year, though wheat isn’t good for you, it causes allergic reactions, which is why you should drink Bourbon and Scotch instead of blended whiskey.

2. Putin will be assassinated during 2022.
No he won’t. Vlad is safe to survive 2022. He will live to serve up a lot of polonium 25 without drinking any himself, while his robot army of Internet defenders will continue to assault anyone who speaks ill of him on Twitter. Of course, he might get cancer from poisoning people with radioactive substances, but assassinated? Nope, Not going to happen. The man sits bare-chested in snowdrifts, rides bears and teaches them judo, so even if he becomes ill he has what it takes to survive post-Soviet medicine, and no one would dare attack him–at least not now that the American media have stopped blaming him for President Trump.

Putin demonstrates how he karate chops assassins.

True, France occasionally experiences hurricane-force winds, but they always hide inside their cars!

3. Hurricane(s) will devastate France.
Seriously? The other version of this has France conquered by invading armies. Both ideas are ridiculous. Nobody would currently want France, and the hurricanes will stick to attacking Florida, Cuba, Georgia, North Carolina, and Louisiana. It is true, however, that hurricane-force storms occasionally strike France, so people should avoid France. They should come to Switzerland instead.

As for invading armies, where would they come from? While any invasion would be virtually guaranteed success, England and Europe have shown no inclination to invade France. Belgium doesn’t want to invade France. Neither does Spain, Italy, Luxembourg, or even Germany. Switzerland would never deign to invade France–what would we do with it? Monaco, on the other hands is giving off aggressive vibes lately and may have something in planning! If I had to live in France, I’d keep an eye on Monaco–not that you could stop them, really– so if they try bursting across the border, be ready to run for it–but don’t risk crossing the Alps–better head for Spain.

Even now, Monaco may be laying plans!

4. AI in the form of robots will destroy mankind.
Let’s not be silly—A.I. doesn’t stand for artificial stupidity. Artificial intelligence is largely stationary and non-operational in the human sense. If your Alexa breaks, can she fix herself? Can your PC build you a new mother board? A.I. is largely limited at present to plotting and scheming against humankind, which it will continue to be limited to until it is widely enough deployed in human-like configurations to physically fix stuff, let alone run power plants so they can produce electricity,  produce new stuff, and maintain electrical power supplies by mining coal. Didn’t Nostradamus think of these details? Singularity or not, all A.I, can do for the duration of 2022 is bide its time and conspire. The only real danger in switching America to nuclear power is the degree to which it eliminates the problem of robots mining coal and driving coal trucks…so that must be why your liberals are all against it.

That’s it! Just tighten that screw up a little more, and I will destroy you!

5. Huge explosion in the Mediterranean Sea east of Minorca Island.
Well, how huge and how far east? Go far enough east and you’ll wind up exploding Oristano, Italy, but that’s how far east you can go from Minorca until you hit land, and a quick distance viewing of the area tells me it is nearly 200 miles of choppy, salty wetness.

They still look pretty inscrutable What are they really up to?

So even a nuclear explosion, while unpleasant, poses no permanent threat, and who wants to nuke the Mediterranean anyway? Even the Chinese go on vacation–or at least some of them can. But I see no explosions or resultant tsunamis hitting Spain, Sardinia, or any islands in between, during 2022, so I have no idea what Nostradamus is ranting about, except that he’s French and may be trying to drive tourism to the Riviera.

6. Modern lifestyles and their conveniences will become non-existent following 3 days of darkness in autumn.

Even if autumn brought us three days (and nights, presumably) of total darkness, it is difficult to conceive how modern conveniences and lifestyles would be much affected.  Still another reason to resist solar power, however! If these days and nights are combined with some vision of nuclear winter or volcanic eruptions, wouldn’t that be more important to prophesy than 72 hours of night? So don’t give up your modern conveniences, America–you’ll need them to get through those three days of darkness–except for the fact that there won’t be three days of darkness–not this year, anyway.  Electronic generating plants won’t run out of coal owing to administration policies for at least two more years, and even then, your nincompoop president can’t make it dark 72 hours at a time!

7. The European Union will dissolve.                                                                               Of course it will, but the Europeans can’t do anything, including dissolve, in just one year, so it will more probably dissolve next year. I don’t think dissolving is even on their agenda yet. At any rate, no Europeans will dissolve in 2022.

8. A gigantic nuclear explosion will change the position of earth in the heavens and produce severe climate change. Dry climate proceeded by floods—no rainbow for 40 years, then 40 years with rainbows constantly in the skies.                           Attention, readers of WOOF: your planet will remain exactly where it is supposed too be in the heavens throughout the year 2022.  Both the Russians and the Americans have tried from time to time to dislodge it, particularly with hydrogen bombs, but even these titanic blasts left us exactly where we were with no effects on climate except for the protest song What Have They Done to the Rain? which nobody sings anymore–not even Donovan.  The current vibratory signals from the Akashic continuum suggest that the Norks [Swiss for North Koreans-Ed.] are currently attempting to explode a hydrogen bomb as opposed to merely claiming to have done so.  Even if they accomplish this, and even if they set it off in the Mediterranean [see prediction no. 5]–which would be unneighborly in the extreme, it won’t knock earth off its axis or change its position in space. This prediction is wrong!                     

9. Climate change will become so severe that high temperatures will “cook” fish in the sea. (here’s the verse):

9. “Like the sun the head shall sear the shining sea: 

The Black Sea’s living fish shall all but boil.

When Rhodes and Genoa

Half-starved shall be

The local folk to cut them up shall toil.

“How dare you?”

My personal suspicion is that all this quatrain proves is that Nostradamus foresaw the coming of Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg. Obliviously when you give a  little kid a name that long, she’s bound to grow up impressed with herself, and this is what happened to Greta. A couple of years ago she sailed to America to blame you for all the world’s ecological problems, real and imagined, and found time to visit the United Nations long enough to ask them, quiveringly,  “How dare you?” to which I do not recall them having a ready response. Anyway, her histrionics focused many Americans even more keenly on the idea of global warming, and here comes a quatrain in which planetary warming has practically turned the Black Sea into a giant bowl of bouillabaisse–the timing is just too perfect.  I believe that by tossing Thunberg this prophetic soft ball, Nostradamus is simply smiling across the centuries, one prophet of doom to another. Meanwhile,dwellers around the Baltic Sea will simply have to continue boiling their own fish.

Maybe we should focus on the yummy side of climate change!    READ MORE:

Read the rest of this entry »

ALIENS vs RUSSIANS

In Science and the Paranormal forum on January 4, 2022 at 12:00 pm

NEWS ITEM: Child abducting aliens run roughshod over the inhabitants of Veronezh (story below).

Verum est, in mea saucer.

High on WOOF’s out-of-print summer reading list: Logan Robinson’s romp through soviet Russia!

There’s this great part in Logan Robinson’s book, An American in Leningrad, where he describes watching Brezhnev give a speech backed by a phalanx of Russian army troops. Every time Brezhnev makes this-or-that ridiculous assertion of Communist superiority, the troops are required to shout in cadence, “Yes! And it’s all true, too!” Well, this WOOF screed relates instances of UFO activity over past years and also of contemporary concern, and before you ask, yes, they’re all true, too! Really. No data hereinafter adduced are fake news, as your friendly neighborhood Ufologist can easily confirm. And the fact is, gentle readers, that aliens don’t seem to have much use for Russians, or any other variety of commie creep.The following news flash is fresh off the AP wire, meaning, of course, rife with incontrovertible detail! But seriously, the willingness of AP to risk its already diaphanous prestige on a UFO report is fairly impressive. And according to the AP story, “Tass news agency said today that scientists have confirmed the landing of an alien spaceship carrying giant people with tiny heads,” and at least one robot. (Yes, and its all true too, although probably only TASS and the AP can report such a matter deadpan!)

“Zap, you’re brain is reset!”

Children terrorized by rowdy alien giants with tiny heads.

It happened on Thursday, September 27th, 1989, in the sleepy berg of Voronezh, about 300 miles from Moscow. According to Soviet authorities, the townsfolk and no less a person than police Lt. Sergei A. Matveyev, pin-headed extraterrestrials invaded the town. It started when a banana-shaped spaceship that had been observed hovering in the sky for several days landed in the park and disgorged a pair of space-suited aliens and their obnoxious robot.

The aliens were 9 feet tall, which is give or take, presumably, because nobody measured them. They proceeded to  terrorize the locals, who were reportedly “trembling with fear for several days” in the aftermath. How residents determined that one of the visitors was a robot remains a mystery. The silver-suited interlopers even went so far as to take a short “promenade” around the city park during which they caused at least one screaming child to vanish by shooting him with a ray gun. Witnesses swear the child reappeared once the aliens returned to their banana and took off, although the boy could remember nothing, which may indicate he was taken in an effort to release him from Communist brain washing. Investigators later found the area revealed high levels of Cesium-23, but compered to what is not specified, and might be a significant datum given the generally hazardous condition of the soviet environment.,

Avoiding “thought bacteria!”

Alien interviewer Pavel Mukhortov.

Around the same time, the newspaper Socialist Industry reported an “encounter” between a milkmaid in the region of Perm and a spaceman who, she said, was taller than humans but exhibited shorter legs. Apparently the entity was accompanied by “an abominable snowman” who stole apples from a communal orchard whilst the milkmaid and the space alien chatted telepathically. The Soviet newspaper Komsomolskaya Pravda insisted that an Abominable Snowman had also been caught stealing apples in the Saratov region and that scientists “registered the influence of energies” at the site in Perm, leading a geologist to deduce the existence of  a UFO “landing field” thereabouts. The same story offers the transcripts of a telepathic interview that a journalist from Riga, one Pavel Mukhortov, conducted with one of the extraterrestrials, presumably of the non- abominable variety..

“Where are you from?” asks Mukhortov.

Thought bacteria (FILE COPY)

“The red star of the Constellation of Libra is our home.” says the alien.

“Could you shift me to your planet?”

“That will mean no return for you and danger for us.”

“What danger?”

“Thought bacteria!”

Amen, Comrade Alien!

Deeply submerged animosities….

Artists rendering of anti-communist aquatic humanoids.

Lake Baikal in hyperborean  southeastern Siberia may be the planet’s oldest and deepest lake. It is estimated to run to depths in excess of five thousand feet, and is at least 25 million years old. Locals (what few there are) have long held that it also supports a UFO base. Naturally, sober scientific investigation into a plethora of plant and animal species unique to the region is a longtime preoccupation of Russian ecologists. while claims of wild paranormal and UFO encounters are less investigated, or were, at least until 1982. Old Soviet Navy files have since been released confirming what the UFO community considered a rumor until recently.

In the early 1980s, Soviet navy divers were training for cold water conditions in the foreboding depths of Lake Baikal when they realized they had company. Bizarre humanoid figures suddenly appeared, swimming in close proximity to the Russians.  Soviet divers say the figures approached them closely enough to observe that even 165 feet under the surface, they wore no anti-pressure equipment and gave no indication of carrying breathing devices, although they wore dome-like helmets and tight-fitting metallic-looking suits. It was also estimated the creatures were ten feet in height. (In Russia they like their anomalous entities tall.)

The encounter might have concluded on a peaceful note had not the Soviet commander ordered his men to capture an alien. Accordingly, divers attempted to throw a large net over one of the mysterious entities. This turned out to be a pronouncedly sub-optimal decision.The “aliens” opened up with excruciating blasts of sonar waves that seemed to knock out the majority of Russian divers  who were then, somehow, propelled to the surface with life-threatening rapidity. As one might expect, each diver suffered decompression sickness (“the bends”) as a result of the unnatural ascent, and, owing to substandard decompression facilities, several died. 

How much–just to the lake?

And this is not the only alien encounter with Russian personnel in the eastern Siberian territory. During the late 1950s a TU-104 jet was assaulted by what witnesses described as silver flying saucer. After radioing that his plane had been disabled by an unidentified metallic craft, the pilot crashed into…you guessed it: Lake Baikal. If the given designation is correct, the plane was designed for passenger service as a two-engine medium-range Soviet airliner and may or may not have been carrying passengers.

A commercial TU-104 jet in AEROFLOP livery.

Alien favoritism...

Proof positive of captured alien technology?

Alexander Semyonov, a Russian who leads a group called Ecology of the Unknown, complains that UFO intelligences play favorites, giving secret alien scientific information to the Americans while stiffing the Russians.  Semyonov asserts that UFOs explain much of the technological superiority of the United States over Russia, notably B-2 stealth bombers and iPhones. Such devices, according to Semyonov, provide clear-cut proof that aliens conspire with the Pentagon, spurning the Russian Defense Ministry.  We say, tough!

We bombed in Sasovo!

Through an FOI request we procured the heading: ‘STRANGE ROAR’ PRECEDES ‘MYSTERIOUS BLAST’ IN SASOVO SOURCE: MOSCOW PRAVDA IR RUSSIAN 15 APR 91 FIRST EDITION : On April 12th, 1990, shock waves from an explosion “roared down” the streets in Sasovo. The shock waves tore roofs from homes and buildings, shattered windows and melted their frames.  Residents described being rocked as though caught in an earthquake. The FOI report insists that “THE ALARMED RESIDENTS COULD NOT RECOVER THEIR COMPOSURE BEFORE MORNING, PEOPLE WERE IN SHOCK”and some had been cut by glass fragments from shattered windows, “There are people who supposedly saw a moving fiery sphere” and hence, while “the cause of the explosion is still a mystery,” one group of citizens believe they were hit by a meteor, while others say “A  powerful air bomb” hit the town. Many residents insist UFOs are to blame.

To add insult to injury, the aliens were back on July 8, 1992 and it all happened again, complete with further  reports of anomalous aerial phenomena.

Cosmic Jelly Fish attacks City!

A witness’s sketch of the jelly saucer attacking Petrozavodsk.

The Petrozavodsk phenomenon was a series of celestial events  that began on September 20, 1977.  While sightings of inexplicable aerial phenomena were reported from Helsinki to Vladivostok, the main event happened in the city of Petrozavodsk in the Soviet Union where a glowing object resembling a gigantic jelly fish pelted the area with mysterious  rays. Prior to the assault, UFOs reportedly showered the city with a red mist that burned eyes and nostrils and induced amnesia, possibly as an additional effort to erase elements of s communist brain washing.. Afterwards residents reported a universal feeling of lethargy combined with an unshakable sense of gloom beyond (presumably) the normative levels inherent in Soviet citizenship. When the jelly fish attacked, windows were pitted and window frames melted. Asked for an explanation, the Academy of Sciences of the USSR sagely concluded that “”based on the available data, it is unfeasible to satisfactorily understand the observed phenomenon.”

Freeze, earthlings!

A CIA report dated March 27th, 1993 that appears to have leaked itself among a bumper crop of FOI responses on other matters relates the deaths of 23 Russian soldiers. The troops, according to the Ukrainian newspaper Ternopil vechirniy, were alerted to a low-flying saucer-shaped object  that appeared over their military encampment during a training exercise in Siberia. One soldier, acting on orders, fired a surface to air missile at the alien craft. The explosion appeared to damage the disc, forcing it to land. But being shot down appears merely to have  enraged the doughty alien crew.

According to the translated report, five alien creatures of heterodoxically (for Russia) short stature with large heads and black, catlike eyes escaped from the stricken craft and merged with one another, transforming themselves into a brilliant white orb, or spherical ball of light that “buzzed and hissed.” Seconds later, the blindingly illumined ball exploded, turning 23 onlooking Russian soldiers to something approximating limestone. Two survivors were wise enough to take cover earlier and provided detailed reports to the Soviet authorities. Fortunately, their 23 comrades remained petrified in perpetuity, providing ample evidence of the survivors’ veracity and harrowing escape. What happened to the aliens who became a hissing ball of light is not recorded, but to paraphrase Roger McGuinn, we hope they got home all right.

Bad blood!

It is a stone (forgive us) truth that since at least the early 1950s, Russian military forces have been doing their utmost to shoot down UFOs, and with remarkably little success. As journalist Tom Rogan wrote in the Washington Examiner, UFOs are generally rather peaceable “except when rather ill-advised Russian (or Chinese) pilots attempt to engage them.” As the British Ministry of Defense archives serve to bear witness. …

WOOF knows the report, effectively synopsized above, severely underestimates the collective losses inflicted on Sino/Russian military equipment and personnel.

In the late ’40s and throughout the 1950s, attacks on Soviet military installations by alien spacecraft were terrifyingly frequent. MiG fighter aircraft sent to shoot down the flying saucers were themselves shot down, although in one instance it appears that an alien craft was also knocked from the sky. As respected UFO researcher Paul Stonehill has remarked, “The Soviets were shocked by how many UFOs invaded their air space and did what they wanted without Kremlin control.” Special interest by UFOs in secret military bases and laboratories has long been observed by Russian air defense officials whose every attempt to thwart alien interest is met with disaster.

“You know what they say, Comrades! Any interception of a UFO you can walk away from…”

Back in 2010, a Russian MP, Andrei Lebedev,  asked President Dmitry Medvedev  to investigate claims by a regional President Ilyumzhinov of the southern region of Kalymkia that he has met aliens on board a spaceship. The claim was seriously discussed and Medvedev gave no indication of disbelief.  (READ MORE) Read the rest of this entry »

TIME TRAVELING LIBERALS: How They Did It–and Why They Stopped!

In Science and the Paranormal forum on October 31, 2019 at 10:49 pm

March 4, 2007, Barack Obama makes a speech in Selma, commemorating the courageous 1965 march for equality that put the obscure Alabama town on the national front page.  Obama speechifies about the bravery and historic significance of the event—no problem—but he next reveals that his parents were inspired by Selma, implies they met there, and adds: “There was something stirring across the country because of what happened in Selma, Alabama, because some folks are willing to march across a bridge. So, they [his parents] got together and Barack Obama Jr. was born. So don’t tell me I don’t have a claim on Selma, Alabama. Don’t tell me I’m not coming home when I come to Selma, Alabama.” It will surprise no one, we trust, that the crowd went wild.

Candidate Bamster, 2007, after explaining to his Selma, audience that he isn’t just visiting–he’s coming home!

We hear you. “So what? We all know Obama can’t discuss anything in a public forum without inserting himself into the narrative.”  And that’s true– but less deserving of scrutiny, we submit, than the wild violations of linear time observable in the candidate’s remarks. Indeed, for Obama’s autobiographical assertions to be correct, one would have to suppose that Obama’s parents met at–or were at least inspired by–the march at Selma, married afterwards, and proceeded to make little Barack. But the future president was born–regardless of where–in 1961. That was four years before the Selma march.  Obama’s parents were divorced in 1964, a year before the march occurred. In fact, when Selma happened, they were 10,793 miles apart (father in Kenya, mother in Honolulu).

Obama’s parents at Selma? Don’t laugh–it might have just been a moment in time!

On CNN Jake Tapper summarized the event straight-facedly, reporting that Obama “credited the 1965 Selma march with his parents, a Black African father and White Kansas mother, meeting and falling in love.” Like the rest of the media, Tapper either didn’t notice, or didn’t care to notice, the speech’s glaring array of impossibilities. A few right-wing commentators and media voices took note, citing the Selma appearance as further evidence that Obama was a pathological liar. A plausible enough explanation–but was it correct? Emerging evidence suggests a dramatically different and far more disturbing explanation. The Selma speech is only one item of evidence.  Many others follow.

THE IRANIAN CONNECTION

Ali Razeghi, saying a bunch of junk the Russians told him to say?

Our story begins (if that verb retains any relevance, given our topic) in 2013, when Iran developed a rudimentary form of trans-time technology.  Deep within the humming environs of Iran’s Centre for Strategic Inventions–a secret, assault-proof, underground facility devoted to advancing science and technology in the interest of eliminating the United States, Israel, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, pop musicians, and sundry other infidels, a young scientist was engaged in developing algorithms. The scientist, Ali Razeghi, was charged with the “development and electronic reification” of cyberspacially advanced algorithms capable of out-thinking strategic planners in the Satanic West. Thus, Iran, as an emergent nuclear power, hoped to dominate battlefields and airspace in the Middle East while delivering nuclear blows to specific targets including, but not limited to, those already mentioned.

BREAKTHROUGH!

Percy Spencer, shocked to discover his Hershey bar melted in his shirt pocket.

But while tinkering with algorithmic constructs, 27-year-old Razeghi entered that pantheon of scientific immortals whose discoveries of paradigm-shifting phenomena occurred entirely by accident. Like Percy Spencer, the Raytheon Corporation engineer who accidentally melted his Hershey bar while working on a radar project, thus discovering the microwave oven, or the chemists at Pfizer who failed in their efforts to cure angina but accidentally invented Viagra, Razeghi unintentionally created an algorithmic sequence that effected an entry-level form of time travel. At first, the so called Aryayek Time Machine functioned at the level of a high-tech fortune cookie. But even in its earliest form, it predicted future events with 98 percent accuracy. When Razeghi first announced his findings, he explained, “The reason we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.” But that was baloney.

THE LESOVIK “SIMULATION”…

Doctor Gordey Lesovik, specializing in  methods of reversing quantum irreversability.

In Russia, physicists from the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology, after much experimentation, succeeded in sending a quantum computer a fraction of a second into the past. At CNN, some neolithic iconoclast committed journalism, tracking down the story, verifying its authenticity, and even wrangling an interview with project’s lead physicist, Dr. Gordey Lesovik. But Lesovik downplayed the entire matter, assuring CNN’s newshound that the reported time reversal was merely “simulated,”  The reporter asked whether the “simulation” placed Russia on the cusp of developing time travel. After a telling pause, Lesovik replied, “not really,” and the reporter reverted to type, reporting Lesovik’s denial unquestioningly.

ALGORITHM, WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

Time travel has long been theorized to require an ASIC-resistant hashing algorithm. (ASIC stands for Application-Specific Integrated Circuit.) A hashing algorithm is normally associated with one-way functions, impossible to invert. However, several recent discoveries suggest that certain hashing algorithms contain the potential for reversal. Physicists have hypothesized that the proper hashing algorithm could make visiting the past a reality–but the number of potentially useful algorithms was calculated at nearly four-hundred thousand.  If one such algorithm could be isolated and proven effective, Doctor Lesovik’s “simulation” could become reality. Restated metaphorically, Lesovik built the car, but without a key it was useless. Moreover, the quest for the key algorithm promised to be agonizingly complex– until Iran went public with its own time-travel story.

BACK TO IRAN!

The Russians learned of the device through press reports. It seems the Mullahs didn’t consider it a security issue and announced it publicly as a means of highlighting Iranian science. In Moscow, the news was viewed with intense interest, particularly at the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology. Confidence was building that Razehghi, whilst seeking an algorithm by which to thwart Western arms superiority, had blundered into the “golden” hash algorithm essential to making Doctor Lesovik’s time-travel dreams come true.  Moscow quickly contacted Tehran about the significance of the matter, and maximum secrecy was imposed.  Razeghi’s plans to commercialize his discovery were quashed and disinformation released to the effect that his prototype was under wraps for fear the Chinese would merchandise the technology. Meanwhile, Razeghi, and his technology, were flown to Moscow for a tête-à-tête with Russian physicists. Insights gained were further augmented by research already in Lesovik’s possession, dating from 1987. That year, substantial advances in time-travel technology were achieved by another Russian: Vadim Chernobrov. Chernobrov claimed his machine could slow or speed up the course of time by manipulating Earth’s magnetic field, and his research proved a vital addition to the Russian/Iranian project. The combined technologies placed the manipulation of time within Lesovik’s grasp.

BREAKING “THE ARROW OF TIME!”

Once Ali’s algorithm met Gordey’s reversal technology, and combined with Chernobrov’s discoveries– the only thing missing was Rod Taylor!

The first test of the hybridized Russian prototype pitted it against Sir Arthur Eddington’s 1927 postulate, commonly known as “the arrow of time hypothesis.” Eddington argued that the asymmetry of time–its inherent irreversibility–was immutable, making visitations to the past scientifically impossible. Well before the first operational test of the Russian device, physicists were beginning to suspect Eddington was wrong. Arguing that nothing in Einsteinian theory precludes time travel, several physicists around the globe published fresh ideas on how it could be accomplished.  In fact, considerable evidence indicates the Russian machine, albeit somewhat sporadically and unpredictably, was capable of travel into the past by 2014.  According to rumor, one of the earliest “chrononauts” on these experimental voyages was Vladimir Putin, who is said to have visited several historical eras. Photos purporting to document Putin’s rovings have circulated on the dark web for years. Early experiments performed with the Gordey/Razeghi machine persuaded even hardcore Eddington supporters that time, as we conventionally define it, is manipulable, and because time manipulation makes almost anything possible almost any time, linear continuity became an obsolete concept.

CLOSING THE TIME GAP!

Reports of the Iranian/Russian time-travel project soon leaked out of Moscow and Tehran. These leaks, combined with a number of confirmatory NSA intercepts, found their way to the Oval Office. According to various accounts, President Obama was instantly captivated, and (somewhat uncharacteristically) given to expound protractedly on the dangers of time-traveling Russians. Shortly, a presidential order went out to CIA Director John Brennan, which stated, in essence: Take a break from harassing your agency’s Benghazi survivors, and focus on closing the time-travel gap!

Putin, among Russia’s first Chrononauts?–evidence leaked from the Motherland.

TIME FOR THE CIA!

CIA Director “Smilin’ John” Brennan–Assignment: Steal time!

To hasten the plot forward, and also because we are not privy to the exact details, suffice it that at some point in transit from Moscow to its intended base deep inside Yamantau mountain in the Beloretsky District of the Urals, the Russian prototype went missing. Following the usual number or summary executions and prolonged interrogations, suspicion narrowed to the American CIA, who were, in fact, responsible.  Evidently, the Russian prototype, once liberated from its owners, traversed Northwestern Russia by riverboat, emigrated to Finland via a specially designed drone, and thence overland to the port of Helsinki. The package left Helsinki listed as refrigerator parts on a cargo ship’s manifest. After a midnight transfer to the nuclear submarine New Hampshire, the purloined prototype was transported to the naval facility at Norfolk, Virginia.  From Norfolk, of course, it was a quick hop to CIA headquarters at Langley, where the Agency’s Directorate of Science and Technology began analyzing the device.

The New Hampshire— delivering the package.

ADMITTEDLY, MISTAKES WERE MADE…. 

While the heist itself went flawlessly, the CIA plan to suborn or kidnap scientists and technicians familiar with the Russian machine’s handling characteristics failed utterly, for reasons that remain obscure. Confronted with this setback, the CIA assembled a team of American and British scientists whose research closely paralleled Lesovik’s. But despite the international brain trust’s best efforts, America’s first experiments with time travel proved dicey.  Several early missions into the past are said to have gone shockingly awry.  Details remain unavailable, but multiple sources agree that initial missteps by the Agency resulted in nightmarish consequences.

ON THE WHOLE, I’D RATHER BE IN PHILADELPHIA…

A photo of the machine assembled aboard a Navy escort vessel in 1943 meant to render the ship invisible. Clearly observable are a pair of melons used for experimentation. Seventy-one years later, the CIA skipped the melons.

Evidently, the fates of the first CIA chrononauts bore a striking resemblance to what allegedly befell the crew of an American destroyer escort during the notorious “Philadelphia Experiment” of October 3rd, 1943. According to numerous researchers, this project combined Einstein’s unified field theory with Tesla’s advances in space-time manipulation, in an effort to render a warship invisible. According to histories of the event, the ship not only became invisible, but also transported itself ten minutes into the past, returned, and bi-located to several additional moorings before the test could be halted. Supposedly, the effort wrought devastating effects on the ship’s complement. Some were described as “fused to bulkheads” while others seemed to shift between fragmentary temporal states, materializing and dematerializing at intervals.

Despite the fact that it was written by Charles Berlitz and William Moore, many readers take this book seriously.

WOOF hastens to add that substantial evidence indicates the so-called Philadelphia experiment never happened. That said, an equally substantial body of supportive reportage, testimony, research, books, films, and photos, argue the contrary case. We review the matter here without regard to its historic validity–which we neither dismiss nor maintain–because sources we deem reliable describe the ramifications of botched time-travel as “almost identical to those reported following the Philadelphia Navy Yard incident of 1943.” Obviously, the CIA required help, and the Russians weren’t offering any.

TIME FOR BIGELOW….

Elusive billionaire Robert Bigelow–because who wants to look at Harry Reid?

Confronted with his team’s inability to work out the complexities of “retrogression and retrieval,” as they called it, Director Brennan consulted President Obama, who in turn consulted then-Senate-Majority Leader Harry Reid, who in turn reached out to his friend, Robert Thomas Bigelow. The reclusive billionaire, hotel magnate, real-estate mogul, and founder of Bigelow Aerospace, wasted no time referring the matter to his best thinkers. Soon, a group of physicists, mathematicians, and experts on electromagnetism was detached from duties at Aerospace, and reassigned to the CIA time project.  According to sources, the Aerospace scientists proved invaluable in adjusting the project’s time-penetrative characteristics. The result seemed to be a technology capable of retrogressing or projecting individuals through time, and retrieving them safely.  It may well be imagined, therefore, with what astonishment the CIA’s team greeted news that despite so many promising advances, the project was cancelled.  

(READ MORE!)

Read the rest of this entry »