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THE DE-LIONIZATION OF BOB WOODWARD, or, “That’s not what the bully pulpit is supposed to mean!”

In "Sequestration Nation" forum on March 7, 2013 at 12:42 am
The Lion in Winter?

The Lion in Winter?

Who is Bob Woodward? Well, informed Americans ought to know! Especially since whenever there’s a pause in the media braggadocio about how Edward R. Murrow brought down the Satanic Joe McCarthy, there is a compensatory upsurge of sorts in the drumbeat about the glory days in which the intrepid investigative journalists Woodward and Bernstein toppled Richard Nixon, possibly the second most evil entity in the entire known universe. (Presumably Dick Cheney is third.)

Bernstein and Woodward at the Washington Post in the glory days of getting Nixon

Bernstein and Woodward at the Washington Post in the glory days of getting Nixon

It took the media almost forever to get anybody interested in Watergate, but they would not be silent, and little by little the American citizenry was taught that the Watergate Burglary was a Constitutional crisis of unprecedented proportions, and nothing short of Nixon’s impeachment or resignation could ever satisfy the demands of justice—so, finally, out he went. And, of course, Hollywood made a movie about the relentless and courageous reporters who placed their careers at risk (as if!) to bag Evil Dick (who was actually the most liberal president since FDR but who could never be forgiven for being on the House Un-American Activities Committee and leading the fight to prove that Alger Hiss, the upper-crust State Department media darling whom the left-wing intelligentsia considered one of their own, was in fact a Communist Spy).

The Hardy Boys on a case? No, it's Hoffman and Redford pretending to be journalists!

The Hardy Boys on a case? No, it’s Hoffman and Redford pretending to be journalists!

So Dick Nixon had to go. He could fly to China, embrace Mao Tse Tung, end the draft, get us out of Vietnam, introduce wage and price controls worthy of Ted Kennedy, and declare “We are all Keynesians now!” But it didn’t matter. He had to go. And after Woodward and Bernstein brought him down (with considerable help from spineless finkslike John Dean), Hollywood made a movie about it, what a shock, right? The movie, like Woodward’s book, was entitled “All the Presidents Men,” and it starred two big-name liberals, the ineradicably radical Robert Redford, and the dutifully left-wing Dustin Hoffman.  Everyone was taught the story of how these two little reporters went after the nefarious Nixon and, gamely supported by editor Benjamin Bradley (think Jason Robards) at the Washington Post and stealthily assisted by an inside snitch whom Woodward and Bernstein code-named “Deep Throat” after the title of a popular pornographic film of that era, brought down Tricky Dick sort of like Humpty Dumpty so that all the kings horses and all the –well, see how clever that title was?

The nation swept Nixon into his 2nd term in '72--but the Washington Post had other plans!

The nation swept Nixon into his 2nd term in ’72–but the Washington Post had other plans!

Not only did Woodward and Bernstein become iconic on the Left, and indeed, in pop culture generally, but so did the location of the ill-fated burglary led by the future radio commentator and author, G. Gordon Liddy who became iconic in his own right for refusing to testify and going to prison while his fellow “Plumbers” sang like canaries. Since the great Watergate expose, America has patiently endured Irangate, Whitewatergate, Monicagate—and on and on…but of the two reporters, Woodward emerged as the author of successive political expose’s on various topics, though of often questionable validity. In his best seller “Veil,” for instance, he insisted that he eluded CIA security and infiltrated the hospital room of dying CIA Director Bill Casey, who was apparently so thrilled with the finesse of his incursion that rather than summoning his (hopelessly inept) bodyguards, he instead granted an interview on the spot to the ultra-liberal Woodward. Hey, why not, right?

G. Gordon Liddy in Watergate days

G. Gordon Liddy in Watergate days

During this allegedly four minute interview, Casey allegedly confessed his involvement in the Iran/Contra affair and when Woodward asked “Why?” ostensibly replied “I believed!”  The account went totally unchallenged in the liberal media because hey, this was Bob by-God Woodward, the man who got Richard Nixon (hear the heels clicking?) and just because the CIA security was 24/7 and Casey is known not to have been able to communicate understandably if at all during the time frame during which Woodward insists he interviewed him, and just because the CIA had logged the fact that they had intercepted Woodward and led him out of the hospital that night long before he allegedly tippy-toed into Casey’s room, and just because Casey would probably have sooner shot Woodward than spoken to him, doesn’t mean we should have any doubts that things went as Woodward described. He is one of the greatest heroes of leftist journalism, after all—Robert Redford played him in a movie!

The Watergate: It's political infamy distracted many from noticing that it is also among the most unfathomably ugly buildings ever erected!

The Watergate: It’s political infamy distracted many from noticing that it is also among the most unfathomably ugly buildings ever erected!

So what on earth just happened to shift the tectonic plates of the Leftist Establishment to such a degree that Bob Woodward, whose adventures inspired  a hundred thousand liberal teenagers to flood university journalism classes in the 1970s, should suddenly be seen as a villain by the Liberal Establishment Media?  What happened to cause the perpetually insensate Ed Schultz  to take to the air over at MSNBC and bellow that  Woodward’s latest reporting constituted “a total failure by a legendary journalist” and to denounce poor Woodward himself as “nothing but a drama queen”?  (And that last critique, dear readers, cannot be seen as anything less than an expert opinion, emanating from the only routinely-televised talking head more conspicuously unhinged than Chris Matthews!)

What was Bob Woodward’s great sin? What resulted in his being jettisoned from the Liberal Pantheon with such unceremonious hostility? What made his character assassination suddenly paramount in the agendas of the leftist news operations of cable and at the Dinosaur Networks that previously worshiped him?  Why, he was critical of Our Dear Leader!  And not very critical, mind you, just slightly critical—but the current stable of liberal news hawks cannot abide anything critical being said of Our Beloved Leader, and Woodward went from unchallengeable legend to ridiculous “drama queen” in a single news cycle because of his injudiciousness.

You know you're in trouble when this man labels you a 'drama queen!'

You know you’re in trouble when this man labels you a ‘drama queen!’

It’s understandable, in a sense, that being a legend can go to a man’s head to such an extent that he can forget the need to toe the line like any other celebrity or  upstart newsie, and step outside the boundaries of permissible thought and speech in contemporary reportage. We don’t think Woodward meant to give offense to the guardians of pseudo-journalistic conformity on the Left, he just forgot himself for the moment or so it took him to recall, factually, that sequestration was not some horrific concoction foisted upon the Obama administration by the skulking Neanderthals in Congress—no, Woodward explained, the whole idea of sequestration had come from Obama himself—the man who was now loudly protesting it as a potential planet killer.  Writing in his paper of origin, The Washington Post, Woodward had casually mentioned that, “My extensive reporting….shows that the automatic spending cuts were initiated by the White House and were the brainchild of [Jack] Lew and White House congressional relations chief Rob Nabors — probably the foremost experts on budget issues in the senior ranks of the federal government. Obama personally approved of the plan for Lew and Nabors to propose the sequester to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.).” And that did it!

Come to think of it, maybe Jack Lew invented sequester--yeah--that's the ticket!

“Come to think of it, maybe Jack Lew invented sequester–yeah–that’s the ticket!”

You didn’t have to be an investigative journalist to figure this out, of course. Your maiden aunt, if she had any mnemonic skills left, might have recalled that Obama invented the sequester. Can you think back to 2011? The news networks can’t, but if you can you’ll recall that as always we were in the throes of a budgetary crisis (because the Democratic Senate will not bring a budget to the floor) and negotiations over a debt limit were on the rocks. True, Reid and McConnell had put forth a bipartisan proposal, but Obama was running for re-election and didn’t want the inherent controversy of another debt-limit increase before November. He therefore scotched the plan and imposed the idea of sequestration instead.  It wasn’t until this March 4th that Obama admitted the sequester was his idea—heck, he even called it “dumb,” but this was too late for poor Woodward… and the Liberal Establishment Media didn’t report the president’s confession anyway.

Elements of the Left hasten to re-brand Woodward as not so lionly.

Elements of the Left hasten to re-brand Woodward as not so lionly.

The media were already irate that one of their own would break ranks and tell the truth about the origins of Obama’s dumb idea—and then something even more unthinkable happened! Because he had called out Obama on his sequester deception, Woodward was duly treated to a threatening email from White House Economic Adviser Gene Sperling.  Yes, the lion of liberal journalistic intrepidity was curtly informed, in his own words, “you will regret doing this.” And instead of cringing, Woodward went public and exposed the threat. And that was the last straw for the Liberal Establishment Media. After all, it’s bad enough for a reporter to say something negative about President Obama—and get himself condignly threatened—but to then go to the Politico and publicize the fact that he was threatened? Unthinkable! And then, Woodward had the temerity to repeat the charges on Fox programs like Hannity and O’Reilly.  On FOX news! Was Woodward crazy? The Left exploded in a torrent of rage—led by White House adviser David Plouffe (the same guy who tweeted the infamous Obama skeet photo) who growled publicly that Woodward was past his prime—over the hill–  probably losing it a little… while Joe Scarborough (who became a left wing morning showman for MSNBC after failing utterly to garner any sort of audience as a pretend conservative radio host)  made fun of Woodward and was was joined by co-host Mika Brzezinski in  wondering aloud,  “is he really afraid of a little aide who said that to him? Really?” The Huffington Post explained laboriously that the threat was not really a threat (WOOF forgets exactly why, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?) and called Woodward overly sensitive, while Martin Bashir (one of that odd breed of British subjects who come here to scold us over our televisions and then get even angrier at us because nobody watches their programs) struck a multicultural note in his denunciation of Woodward, insisting that  “I’m actually reminded of that British parliamentarian who, when he was attacked by Foreign Secretary Geoffrey Howe, described it as the equivalent of being ravaged by a dead sheep.” (Thought our sides would split, Martin!)

Martin Bashir--this is how he would look if you ever saw him on television, which is statistically unlikely.

Martin Bashir–this is how he would look if you ever saw him on television, which is statistically unlikely, according to Nielsen.

Gene "Knuckes" Sperling--all right he wouldn't intimidate us either...but maybe you had to be there.

Gene “Knuckes” Sperling–all right he wouldn’t intimidate us either…but maybe you had to be there.

CNN’s John Avlon hooted at Woodward’s timidity, rhetorically imploring, “Is this Bob Woodward who fought with the Nixon White House? I mean Chuck Colson and H.R. Haldeman would be ashamed to see Gene Sperling not come at Bob with anything stronger than that.”  And even the tired, saggy old Washington Post, which owes its glory, however faded, to the energies of Woodward and Bernstein, got a dagger into their native son’s back, quipping editorially that, “only in Washington does the back and forthbetween a legendary journalist and a White House wonk turn into an epic talking-head fest and trending Twitter topic.” In other words, the American news media no longer care if their practicing members are coerced into silence by an administration, so long as the administration is Obama’s. The Dear Leader will be protected at all costs, and if he wants to threaten journalists, American journalism is ready to back him up!  As in Fahrenheit 451 where the fire department starts fires, the age of Obama has given us a press elite that exists, at least in large part, to savage reporters who complain about being threatened by the Dear Leader’s minions…for reporting!  This is the kind of situation best described by the adjective Orwellian. Clearly the crown prince of investigative journalism and bonafide hero of the Left  was disposable as soon as he threatened the president’s image or criticized his judgment, just as the Clintons discovered they were expendable as soon as they stood between Obama and the nomination back in 2008. To the contemporary American press corpse, nothing takes precedence over the carefully maintained image of Barack Hussein Obama, Dear Leader, Beloved Helmsman, President for Life.

Nor is Woodward’s situation unique—far from it. The Obama administration has made a common practice of press intimidation since the 2008 election, and the Obama campaign prior to that was notorious for kicking reporters off the campaign plane who had offended the Great Helmsman-to-be, or whose papers or networks had displeased him in some regard.

obama angry

No sooner was Obama inaugurated than an attempt was made to exclude FOX news from the White House Press Pool.  The Pool is a five-member group consisting of ABC, CBS, CNN, Fox News, and NBC that is in no respect subject to the dictates of the Obama administration. To their eternal credit, the other networks involved in the pool insisted that they would not participate if FOX were banned, thus the administration relented.

At CNN it is an open secret that business reporters Rick Santelli and Jim Cramer were told in no uncertain terms to lay off their criticisms of the Beloved Leader’s economic policies.

Even Cramer had to bite his tongue about the First Marxist!

Even Cramer had to bite his tongue about the First Marxist!

On the heels of Woodward’s revelations, ex Clintonista hack Lanny Davis, who is as left- wing as they come, complained that he too had been targeted following a couple of less-than-laudatory columns about the administration. Davis added that his paper’s editor had been contacted and told  “that if he continued to run my columns, he would lose, or his reporters would lose their White House credentials.”

Journalist Ron Fournier says that he was also threatened, claiming that, “As editor-in-chief of a National Journal, I received several e-mails and telephone calls from this White House official filled with vulgarity, abusive language, and virtually the same phrase that Woodward called a veiled threat.”

carsonAnd now comes Dr. Benjamin Carson whom Wooferians will recall from February’s “Breakfast with Benjamin and Barack” article. Dr. Carson has now made public the fact that the Obama administration demanded to see his speech prior to the National Prayer breakfast.  When Dr. Carson pointed out that he didn’t have a speech as his remarks would be spontaneous, he was sternly admonished “not to offend the president.” Judging from the flood of liberal media attacks on the world-renowned surgeon and Medal-of-Freedom winner in the wake of the breakfast, Dr. Carson not only offended the First Marxist, he embarrassed him, and the media have been on him like a school of piranha ever since.

So that’s the way it is, America (to coin a phrase), we are confronted by a Fourth Estate whose avowed purpose is to cover for the most criminal and anti-American administration in our history. And now they have drones, and Google working with them. And WOOF says, no problem! We will take them on with the ferocity and tenacity for which we would like to become so justly famous!  Yes, the drones and the black helicopters with brightly lit interiors have been buzzing the old WOOF cave lately, and various electronic and psychic attacks have been launched in our direction, but we are still here—still publishing the truth for our loyal readers! And as G. Gordon Liddy told the press when he left Danbury Prison, “What does not kill us makes us stronger!” Except he said it in German, like Nietzsche wrote it—you know—in Twilight of the Idols? But we digress.


drone moon this one

Drones over the Atlantic by moonlight–they do look kind of pretty!


In "Sequestration Nation" forum on February 27, 2013 at 2:21 am
Duck and cover, America!

Duck and cover, America!

Fellow Americans and devoted Wooferians, we have, as you are keenly aware, only until Friday at which point the great horror will fall upon us, and life as we’ve known it in these United States will cease to proceed as we’ve been accustomed to heretofore! Our valiant young though pathologically narcissistic  President has done his utmost to scare the bloody hell out of us about this impending National fiscal collapse, and yet many remain unaware of the exact scope of the tragic events that are about to befall the nation. Even in the wake of panic in the streetsthe President’s Sunday morning release of his state-by-state predictions of doom, it appeared that many of our readers remained confused as to what will ensue if the Republican congress doesn’t cave in—which it actually (gasp!) may not—before the final hour tolls!  Well, here’s the truth! The budget is not about to be cut at all—no, that sort of thinking is unknown in the Oval Office or on Capital Hill where politicians have honed the art of blathering endlessly about coming cuts to a budget that is in no respect to be cut, reduced, or even frozen. Not going to happen. Cuts? All you hear about is cuts? Slashing the budget? Draconian reductions in spending? Lies, lies, lies, fellow Woofites!  There aren’t going to be any cuts. There is going to be a massive increase in the budget, billions in excess of what it was previously, and the effect of sequestration will be to reduce that rate of expansion by about 2.5% or a measly 85 billion—and even this slight decrease in the increase won’t be felt immediately, because the government can’t function that efficiently—it’s kind of bloated, have you heard? So what does that mean? The Congressional Budget Office predicts that overall, spending for FY 2013 will ultimately be reduced by that $85 billion-dollar figure, saying, “discretionary outlays will drop by $35 billion and mandatory spending will be reduced by $9 billion this year as a direct result of those procedures; additional reductions in outlays attributable to the cuts in 2013 funding will occur in later years.” What’s that mean? Well, the immediate reduction in the rate of bloating during FY 2013 (still not a cut, got that ?) will really, truly, be only about $44 billion, which is really only a 1.5% reduction in the amount that the Administration would otherwise be spending.

The federal government prepares to cut funding to millions as sequestration looms

The federal government prepares to cut funding to millions as sequestration looms

WOOF understands that this is hard on a lot of your brain bones. WOOF understands that you hear about taking a butcher’s cleaver to the federal budget whenever you turn on the Liberal Establishment Media, and you find it hard to fathom that they are just lying to you through their teeth—and in their defense, most of them aren’t lying at all.

Pretty; idiotic

Pretty; idiotic

They’re just stupid. We don’t mean to call them names or anything—we’re just explaining the news culture—it is mainly populated by idiots. Charlie Gibson is an idiot. Katie Couric is an idiot. They can’t help it—it’s not their fault. Soledad O’Brien? A pretty idiot. You have to work up to the level of say, Meet the Press before you run into the ones who are conscious constituents of the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy that Governs Us. And a lot of them are idiots too—Tom Brokaw? Total idiot. Not a bad guy, we suppose—just challenged. Dan Rather is a simpering moron…and a pretty bad guy to boot! Repeat these truths—you may find them liberating. But we digress.

What we were by way of telling you was that despite the onrushing terror of sequester, your friendly, neighborhood federal government will actually be spending considerably more in 2013 than it did in 2012.  And that’s not all, folks. The federal government, even should sequestration kick in on Friday, will  be spending more than at any other time in American history, even adjusted for inflation, except for 2011 (when we spent $3.598 trillion because we were still bailing out all those mom and pop “Volt” battery manufacturers and solar-powered windmill entrepreneurs to open the door to America’s green future—remember those days?)  So now, if you are really naive, you may be wondering what on earth the President can be talking about when he warns us urgently of all the horrible depredations that sequester will visit upon the commonweal– why is the president telling us all these horror stories about a relatively benign event?scraem

Aha! He’s telling you how scary it will all be, because he fully intends to make it a scary as possible! See, the whole idea of sequestration was Barack Obama’s suggestion in the first place, (yes, he’s now crusading against it, but he suggested it, honest!) and because he is handled by intensely clever Marxist/Leninist management, he took the advance action of building in the phenomenon of “discretionary” cutting. And because the targeting of the reductions are up to the President, he can focus them in ways to make the biggest and most ghastly disruptions. You may wonder why any American President would intentionally create crises during his own tenure in office, and the answer, obviously, is because the media will assist the First Marxist in appearing to be fighting against these crises, just as soon as he has caused them! This is how the last five years have gone in this country, by the way, have you noticed? Obama creates havoc, blames the Republicans, and comes out swinging against his own policies. The establishment media join “rappin’ preezy” in the blame shifting and the heroic posturing, .and 48% of the American people tell one another its all Bush’s fault while 51 percent of the electorate pulls the lever for four more years of this bilge and 2.5 million Republicans who should have shown up and voted stayed home, presumably more bothered by the prospect of a moderate Mormon president than that of a radical Red one.

Another one on one with the President, Speaker Boehner?

Another one on one with the President, Speaker Boehner?

Under the stewardship of the current Administration, WOOF fully expects a slue of petulant, revenge driven firings and layoffs which may have a genuine effect on the value of the daily lives of many Americans, but we will weather it, people—and a few of us will even have the insight requisite to holding the President responsible for it while we do. One cannot hold the Republican establishment responsible for anything at this point—they are still playing Charlie Brown to Obama’s Lucy—still running toward the proffered football only to be snookered anew with every salient. Ever since Howard Jarvis led a tax reform movement in California in the late ‘70s and Jerry Brown (a problem then as now) responded by cutting police and fire protection, as though there were not a multiplicity of options in porky sinecures in need of trimming, the favorite tactic of Liberal plutocrats whenever budgetary constraints threaten has been to ignore their cronies in the Statist bureaucracies and pull the paychecks for the first responders. Think it stinks? Gosh—blame the Republicans!

So what could happen? Well…if sequestration becomes the law of the land, we will finally and officially have gone over that fiscal cliff that we have avoided or kind of avoided approximately 37 times since Obama took office in 2008. This doesn’t mean that we won’t be looking at another fiscal cliff in a few weeks—they are Obama’s premeditated concomitant to all the endless wars he keeps claiming to have ended. But right now, we are busy driving right over this one—and here’s what may happen as a result!


Intelligence agency-affiliated and military-personnel-and-equipment cuts may be spectacular—not because they need to be, but because this is a set up. Nobody else seems to have noticed this, but Obama wants the military weakened to the extent of rendering this country a third-world enterprise—how else to humble the United States, which he is dedicated to wrecking utterly for good old dad and his beloved mentors, Frank Marshall Davis and Reverend Wright. Cuts he never could have made to the military and to national security without being accused of treasonable negligence, he can now make with total impunity and blame on the intractable GOP in congress. This he will assuredly do, and America will be considerably weakened as a result. If Obama’s bluff is called, and that’s all it is of course, he will do a Jerry Brown on the economy and stage a budgetary crisis for his lapdog media to depict and bitterly lament. Consider how odd is the fact that the media will be urged by Obama to magnify every minor episode as Obama causes it. Doesn’t that seem counterintuitive? In days gone by, if Reagan cut funding to albino hermaphroditic psychiatric services, the press would not

Linda looks like she'd like to be "Back in the USA"--just sayin'

Linda looks like she’d like to be “Back in the USA”–just sayin’

rest until they had located an albino hermaphrodite (possibly the only albino hermaphrodite) with a heartrending tale of untreated Bipolar I disorder, and Reagan would be held contemptible in the matter. But now, when Obama’s media amplify the voices of all who suppose themselves harmed by sequester,—the imagery will be of a GOP-created financial collapse. It helps when the news media are your bitch, huh, Barry!

But even as he continues to wreck havoc on the nation while pretending to be fighting the very havoc he engenders and blaming the resultant damage on the Republican party, (personified by the dumbfounded visage of Boehner, speechless and cringing) there remains a limit to the level of desperation the First Marxist  can create while depicting himself as protecting us from. At least this time around/ And WOOF has noticed that the speeches the President is making that warn us of the coming devastation are completely unoriginal rehashes of past recitations of impending doom left over from the last six or seven financial cliffs, crises, and catastrophes that were pointed to as potentially ruinous unless the President got tax hikes and mega-spending programs immediately. All he wants now is another tax increase, and if he doesn’t get it, the military and some government contractors will just have to pay the price of his displeasure—but the discernable pain felt by the average American will be negligible. Yet, America is deluged with the trite banalities rehearsed by the President (who is maundering on someplace even now about women who won’t be able to get screened for cancer and police who will be dragged off the beat if sequestration defunds them, and vaccination programs that will be sidelined and teachers –who aren’t even federally funded, by the way—being furloughed en mass, and blah blah blah).

statue with snorkel

WOOF believes that the President would do well to whip up some fresher, more original concerns—because otherwise the administration is going to bore everyone—and that’s when it all becomes intolerable, don’t you agree? Bad for you and for us, Mr. President! You don’t want to bore us, and we don’t want to be bored, right? Nothing sadder than a dull conspiracy after all! So WOOF wants to help out –in a rare fit of bipartisan bonhomie–with some possible ramifications of reaching sequestration that are every bit as likely as most of those the president has mentioned, but less threadbare from habitual recitation!

  • First of course, everyone should be warned to have 60 days of food, necessary medications, distilled water, and basic medical supplies. Don’t forget toilet paper and a can opener. WOOF would also advise a shotgun, but the Vice President already took care of that. A Mini-14, a 1911 semi-auto pistol in 45ACP, and a Bowie knife would also be a good ideas. Mobs mayrun insensately through the streets expecting to be starved or, possibly, put to work at any second.
  • Cuts to astronomers’ subsidies may conflate with cuts to the military to produce a catastrophe in which a rogue comet strikes the earth after belated detection and an unsuccessful attempt at interception rendered impotent by cuts in military preparedness. This could eliminate half of earth’s population, flooding North America and leaving Western Europe and Russia arid and lifeless. It may also leave North Korea arid and lifeless, but nobody will notice.
  • Grounding the secret, specially outfitted air fleet that flies around gushing “chemtrails” made of tiny particles of barium and thorium into our stratosphere to counteract global warming may result in the tides rising and other symptoms of severe climate change, baking the ice caps and sending the ever-increasing population of polar bears swimming for solid land. This will result in the populations of Canada and Russia being devoured wholesale as wave after wave of furious, ravenous bears struggle ashore in those nations.
  • Safety crews at the nation’s nuclear power plants may be furloughed, engendering several China Syndrome style meltdowns and causing us to wonder yet again why the President is closing down all those coal burning plants, but the resultant nuclear heat will counteract the otherwise wintry conditions engendered by the comet strike!
  • Foreign-aid funds dry up for the newly founded nation of “Koozastan” embittering it against its founder, John Kerry, and his state department thus driving the Koozastanis to abandon their legendary devotion to traditional democratic values. Neighboring Kyrzakhstan will invite Chinese technicians to assist with their arms program in order to better protect themselves as Koozastan forms an anti-American, anti-Israeli, anti-Gay pro-Islamic alliance with the similarly-disaffected Grand Dutchy of Fenwick.
  • Layoffs at General Motors may negatively affect maintenance at the dealership levels to the extent that the Chevy Volt fleet could suffer a spate of battery fires leading to disabling explosions in at least two dozen of the vehicles—which is all of them.
  • George Soros is forced to new levels of parsimony necessitating that several hundred left-leaning “news” operations he keeps afloat are forced to declare bankruptcy and allow themselves to be acquired by Al Jazeera, although the resultant alterations in tone and theme are so minor as to pass practically unnoticed amid the surrounding chaos.
  • The President is forced to cancel his domestic drone surveillance program which results in an avalanche of crime, tea-party-related acts of domestic flag waving, Bernie Madoff-style copy-cat ponzi schemes as well as an epidemic of major and minor driving violations, schoolyard bullying incidents, cruelty to animals and littering. Detroit will secede from the Union.
  • Michelle valiantly rallies the people, embodying the new economic normal by making extra money for the budget by performing as a mime in downtown DC, Joe Biden gets a part time job.

    First Lady will unselfishly perform as mime!

    First Lady will unselfishly perform as mime!

  • And finally, as his own sacrifice in trying times, President Obama gives up his beloved hobby of skeet shooting owing to the high cost of shotgun shells. Instead, he has a tube run up his leg into the ejection port of his shotgun so that a Secret Service agent can blow cigar smoke out the barrel, yielding at least the same satisfying after effect as busting a few clays!

    Gosh--it looks just like the last photo!

    Gosh–it looks just like the last photo!

But all that said, here’s the really bad news, Wooferians: Even if sequestration turns out to be every bit this bad (which it won’t) there is something a whole lot worse coming and nobody’s mentioning it! Did you ever see the British horror epic “Gorgo?” That was a good film. It’s like Godzilla, only it’s Gorgo, and it happens in London, not Tokyo. Anyway, they think they have this gigantic dinosaur and it runs amok for a while and squishes some tanks and double-decker busses while the army shoots tracers at it, in the grand tradition,–but they finally subdue it, and then they realize it’s only a baby—and mom is coming and is she ever mad!

Holy mother of Gorgo!

Coming in March!

Coming in March!

See, you may have noticed that President Obama never bothers with budgets—the Constitution says he needs one approved every year, but the Great Helmsman doesn’t like the Constitution so he ignores the rules, and the Liberal Media Establishment never notices this, because it has the collective IQ of a cumquat, except for those few who are actually sentient, and they’re Marxists—but lumbering toward even the media’s edge of perception comes now Big Momma the Real Budgetary Crisis…Grrr! So Congress will have to pass yet another continual resolution—and this one is slated to be heavier on defense funding unless they try to negotiate a shift, so it could get really interesting just kicking the can down the road—and then, ultimately, if that should succeed, we’ll need another continuing resolution to have any money at all, because somebody—guess who– just can’t get around to coming up with a budget. And congress will have to grapple with this onrushing crisis and get a resolution of continuance passed by the end of March—or yikes! (You know the long form by now, right?) So please don’t sweat sequestration, dear readers—its peanuts compared to the budgetary surprise party President Obama has scheduled for a month from now! Did we mention it’s the Republicans’ fault? We may even have to cancel Saint Patrick’s Day at this rate! Say, is that racist?


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