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WOOF under sneak cyber attack– pummeled by relentless hacking and jamming!

In "Terry and the Pirates" forum on February 19, 2013 at 6:36 pm

tinfoil dog

That’s right, fellow Patriots, while you lounged about assuming that we here at Watchdogs of Our Freedom were simply taking a break, we were hunkered down in our secret cave location fighting a terror from above so insidious that we initially assumed it was the work of the Obama Regime, zapping our technological assets and combing our caverns with powerful electronic suctioning waves causing modular discordance while pilfering stored data. Our first suspicion was that an attack of this magnitude might emanate from a hovering HALE-D super blimp, (the secret airship jointly developed by the United States Army, the United States Air Force’s Missile Defense Command and Lockheed Martin but WOOF knows about it anyway) or possibly the more sophisticated and ultra-super secret triangular, nuclear powered TR-3B, so secret in fact that WOOF really doesn’t know about it, but we hear it’s pretty secret. Anyway…


The super-secret TR3B–possibly nuclear powered–called a myth by the government; but WOOF sees them all the time!

After 48 hours of cyberspacial counterintelligence efforts it began to seem apparent to our experts that the Obama Regime, though subversive,  was innocent of any first hand involvement. Following the obvious algorithm, we next looked into the possibility that ultraterrestrial or extraterrestrial craft were complicit in relentlessly bombarding our computer systems with life-siphoning magno-sonic inversion beams that corrupted our hard drives, lifted vital information into the ether, and threatened to pollute our precious bodily fluids. Oddly, there was no trace of this either, as our UFO detection equipment remained silent and showed no signs of having been “spoofed” by Aliens or interdimensional transmogrifications of the type usually associated with such raids. And yet our equipment continued to be degraded, compromised, and drained of information. Boy, were we getting hacked! (Get it?)

Many do not realize that UFO-related scanning is the single greatest cause of computer malfunctions and crashes!

Many do not realize that UFO-related scanning is the single greatest cause of computer malfunctions and crashes!

So anyway, it turned out that the insidious Chinese Communists were behind the whole thing—we could have kicked ourselves for not figuring it out in the first place. We traced their interference back to the their infamous Unit 61398 facilities in Shanghai—after considerable effort, retro-formulating the transmissive frequencies of the influx as they were refracted off the ionosphere and redirected toward a series of inter-phased computer terminals behind the bamboo curtain, we ascertained the location of the offending agency headquartered at the Chinese People’s Liberation Army strategic cyber command, 3rd department of the General Staff. This is a massive headquarters building, 12 stories tall, staffed by hundreds, conceivably even thousands of dedicated Chicom cyberspacial saboteurs. It was first discovered on our satellite imagery in 2007. Unit 61398 is located at Datong Road 208 within the Pudong New Area of Shanghai. Check it out on Google Earth!

Suddenly, the source of interference was starkly clear!

Suddenly, the source of interference was starkly clear!

It is known that the 3rd Department has a combined focus on signals intelligence, foreign language proficiency, and defense information. Obviously, this makes WOOF a prime target for their fiendish machinations, and target us they did, extensively damaging our memory banks, lifting our emails, compromising our access codes and corrupting at least one Ed Wood film collection on disc. The resultant chaos obliged us to take leave of the web briefly, and we know that many of you felt rudderless and unsupported during this time, but we are here now, dear readers and fellow patriots, working with our freshly reconstituted computerized resources, bringing you the shocking truth regarding this dastardly Chinese Communist assault on our instrumentation and your First Amendment rights!

Sinister Red Chinese hackers work tirelessly in Shanghai to bollix WOOF and other freedom-loving organizations!

Sinister Red Chinese hackers work tirelessly in Shanghai to bollix WOOF and other freedom-loving organizations!

Nor was WOOF the only target of these massive attacks. Many defense and commercial industries were similarly assailed. Nor does WOOF wish to hog all the credit for determining the source of these attacks. Generous as always, we hasten to salute the hard working folks at the Mandiant Corporation who were retained by several concerned organizations to investigate these cyber-attacks (while WOOF preferred to carry out its own investigation) and who independently, without any help or input from us, came to most of the same conclusions as we here at WOOF. In fact, Mandiant estimates that the current battle order of the Chinese cyber-attack groups comprises over 1,000 servers. Mandiant also remarks in a recent report that this unit is supported by “linguists, open source researchers, malware authors, industry experts who translate task requests from requestors to the operators, and people who then transmit stolen information to the requestors” (www.mandiant.com). Needless to say, WOOF has vociferously expressed its displeasure at the disruption of our systems by the Chinese Communist government. In response, the Chinese Defense Ministry has responded, telling us that “It is unprofessional and groundless to accuse the Chinese military of launching cyber attacks without any conclusive evidence.” How’s that for a response? When you think about it, they’re telling us we can’t fairly accuse them of anything they clearly got away with! Well those folks at Mandiant came up with a memo from the Chinese telecommunication provider that clearly supplies communication links to the very building in which WOOF discovered the Liberation Army doing its dirty work, and the memo says in no uncertain terms that the unit will “smoothly accomplish this task for the military based on the principle that national defense construction is important.” So how’s that for proof, Chinese Defense Ministry? Hmmm?

FACT: Chinese diplomats who double as spies often communicate with each other by using subtle hand signs!

FACT: Chinese diplomats who double as spies often communicate with each other by using subtle hand signs!

Don’t doubt for a moment, readers, that WOOF has also complained to its elected officials about this unwarranted (okay, maybe slightly warranted) Communist intrusion into our cyberspace, and as you might have supposed, both Democrats and Republicans are in firm agreement on the point that powerful legislation is needed, especially to protect the National electric grid, but also to protect all American corporations from Chinese cyber theft and tampering. As our savvy and well educated readership is aware, this means that congress has no clue what to do about any of this.

But as for us, we here at WOOF are back, and feistier than ever, ready to strike the next blow against Red aggression in our own back yard, and around the world! So stay on your toes down there in Shanghai, you never know what kind of payback we may be cooking up in our fabulous Science and Technology Directorate! As soon as we replace a few more cathode tubes, we’ll be ready to take you on, comrades! And America, please excuse our absence—we have improvised, adapted, and overcome! And now we need to get back to the important .business of saving the Constitution for the American people!

WOOF fearlessly prepares to strike back!

WOOF fearlessly prepares to strike back!


In "Terry and the Pirates" forum on December 17, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Honest Abe scores stunning victory in Japan

Honest Abe scores stunning victory in Japan

Great news, fellow world watchers! The Liberal Democratic Party just won a big election sweep in Japan! Go LDP, go! And why, you might ask, would WOOF be enthusiastic about the Liberal Democrats winning 300 parliamentary and 480 lower-house seats while their kindred spirits in the New Komeito party picked up 30 seats? What’s good about that, you ask?  Simple! (And yet, strangely complex!) In Japan the Liberal Democratic Party is the Conservative party! Ah so! The party of hawks and tax cutters—say, no wonder they call the Japanese inscrutable, huh?

True Fact: Did you know: Conservative Senator S. I. Hayakawa was of Japanese ancestry!

 TRUE FACT: Conservative Senator S. I. Hayakawa was of Japanese ancestry!

And notwithstanding the “recent unpleasantness” (you know, Pearl Harbor, Bataan, and all that other history you wouldhave to go to an American public school not to know anything about) we are big fans of karate and sushi, and those great Akira Kurasowa movies that gave us the plot lines for all our classic westerns—and we really do wish the Japanese people well. Thus we really hope this deadlock-busting conservative victory of about 20 hours ago helps unleash the world’s third biggest economy so we can get some toys at McDonalds that are made in Japan instead of Red China! Of course, just to make matters even more inscrutable than ever, the new government of Shinzo Abe was also the former government of Shinzo Abe, but Abe got sick and quit, and was replaced by a (liberal) Liberal named Noda who came to power in 2009 promising to pay more attention to consumers than corporations (obvious commie talk) and proceeded to reduce the economy to rubble while also allowing a tidal wave to hit Northern Japan in 2011. In brief, things were so utterly underwater that the ruling leftist Democratic Party (not the good Liberal Democratic Party, which is good, but the bad Democratic Party, which is bad) suffered a humiliating defeat yesterday, which is good. So complete was the liberal Liberal party’s discomfiture that the disgraced Noda resigned on the spot, telling reporters that, “We failed to meet the people’s hopes after three and a half years.” No word yet as to whether Noda or any of his fellow disenfranchised Leftists have done anything –you know—honorable.

Economics appear to have played a major role in the election, as many experts believe disenchanted voters put Abe back in power partly because of his promise to ease monetary policy and increase fiscal spending which would be really, really bad, except that it could be temporarily good because the yen slumped to its lowest over the last 18 months against the U.S. dollar on the news of Abe’s election triumph, which would be really bad, except you have to bear in mind that it’s actually good, because the economic difficulties Japan faces are mainly associated with a strong yen and the perils of deflation, so a weakened yen, which would be good, is what the Abe government is striving to achieve.

Godzilla is just one of many highly successful Japanese exports!

Godzilla — just one of many highly successful Japanese exports!

Tough enough? Japanese Karate genius "Cat" Yamaguchi was way tougher than any Kung-fu fighters!

Tough enough? Japanese Karate genius “Cat” Yamaguchi was way tougher than any Kung-fu fighters!

Combined with his yen for more yen adding up to fewer dollars, Abe is considering the forthcoming 2014 hikes in sales taxes, which are bad, except that Abe is talking about postponing them, which is good. Also of note is the new government’s pledge to take steps to stand up to military provocations coming from Red China (whose MiGs tend to “stray” into Japanese air space) and Communist North Korea (they being proclived to shoot missiles at Japan for sport, although so far none of them have carried warheads). A major regional news agency has emphasized that, “It is a troubling sign that some [elements of the new Abe government] have pledged to take a tough stance on territorialdisputes and boost military spending to woo rightist voters.” The source went on to say that this would increase tensions “with neighbors in the region” and increase nationalism, which the source denounced as very very bad, except that the source of these views is Xinhuanet, the Chinese Communist news agency, considered by many experts to be even more radical than Reuters and the AP. So it doesn’t take an Edward Teller to figure out that whatever Xinhuanet thinks is bad is good—like standing up to the commies over the hotly disputed Senkaku cluster of islands in the East China Sea which WOOF has learned are uninhabited, but the Chinese want them so WOOF firmly believes that the Japanese should hang onto them. Speaking at his first news conference, Abe reaffirmed Tokyo’s historic claim of sovereignty over the island group, saying, “China is challenging the fact that [the islands] are Japan’s inherent territory…our objective is to stop the challenge.”  And in case you don’t think that’s good, dear readers, consider this: The subversive New York Times opined only hours ago that, “the dominant view [meaning the New York Time’s view] of Sunday’s vote was that it was not so much a weakening of Japan’s desire for drastic change, or a swing to an anti-Chinese right, as a rebuke of the incumbent….”  So we can clearly rest assured that what we have here is weakening of Japan’s desire for “change” (which is what the Times often calls radical Liberalism) combined with a swing to the anti-Chinese right! And to that, WOOF says, banzai!WOOF PRINT

Japanese model Saki Yamaguchi has the same last name as the famous Karate expert--but does not appear to be a close relation!

True Fact: Japanese model Saki Yamaguchi has the same last name as the famous Karate expert–yet does not appear to be a close relation!


In "Terry and the Pirates" forum on November 22, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Hu’s out?


Readers of the TERRY AND THE PIRATES segment of earlier WOOF reports are already aware that mainland China was lost to the free world in 1949 owing to the underhanded efforts of the insidious Communists, some of whom were led by the late Mao Tse Tung, but most of whom worked for the American Sate Department. This loss forced Chaing Kai-shek to relocate the Chinese people to the island of Formosa, now known as Taiwan, while the Chinese Communists occupied the greater land mass now known as Red China, sometimes laughingly called The Peoples Republic of China. Regular readers also know that Hu Jintao has been made fun of in these pages from the earliest days of WOOF ALERTS. So now it is time to bid a fond farewell to Hu…Hu is retiring. In his farewell address to 2,000 Chicom party delegates he made some important remarks. Taking these remarks as raw feed from a Reuter’s dispatch of November 8th, WOOF turned them over to our resident Oriental languages expert, Connie Confucius, for interpretation, in hopes of discovering a new hint of liberalization in Hu’s tone. Here follow Hu’s remarks, first as he delivered them, and then, in italics as our very own Connie Confucius transposed them into English. (And not a single “who” pun this time! We’re proud of ourselves!)

“Combating corruption and promoting political integrity, which is a major political issue of great concern to the people, is a clear-cut long-term political commitment of the party!”

 We got here by shooting anyone who gave us any problems, and we’re going to keep right on shooting them!

 “If we fail to handle this issue well, it could prove fatal to the party and even cause the fall of the party and the collapse of the state!”

 If we don’t keep shooting more and more people, we might all be overthrown along with all our fellow commie butchers, hacks and lackeys in Beijing and throughout the country, and then they’ll hang us like rats in Tienanmen Square!

 “We must thus make unremitting efforts to combat corruption!”

So we need to pick some of the party’s middle leadership and shoot them, too! Shooting, shooting, shooting! Bang, bang, bang, bang!!

 “All those who violate party discipline, whoever they are, or whatever official positions they hold, must be brought to justice without mercy!”

In fact, a lot of you right here in this room, listening to me now, are going to get shot!

“We must uphold the leadership of the party!”

Bangity bangity-bang, bang-bang-bang!!!

Woof has learned that President Hu’s remarks were met with polite applause.

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