That’s right, fellow Patriots, while you lounged about assuming that we here at Watchdogs of Our Freedom were simply taking a break, we were hunkered down in our secret cave location fighting a terror from above so insidious that we initially assumed it was the work of the Obama Regime, zapping our technological assets and combing our caverns with powerful electronic suctioning waves causing modular discordance while pilfering stored data. Our first suspicion was that an attack of this magnitude might emanate from a hovering HALE-D super blimp, (the secret airship jointly developed by the United States Army, the United States Air Force’s Missile Defense Command and Lockheed Martin but WOOF knows about it anyway) or possibly the more sophisticated and ultra-super secret triangular, nuclear powered TR-3B, so secret in fact that WOOF really doesn’t know about it, but we hear it’s pretty secret. Anyway…
After 48 hours of cyberspacial counterintelligence efforts it began to seem apparent to our experts that the Obama Regime, though subversive, was innocent of any first hand involvement. Following the obvious algorithm, we next looked into the possibility that ultraterrestrial or extraterrestrial craft were complicit in relentlessly bombarding our computer systems with life-siphoning magno-sonic inversion beams that corrupted our hard drives, lifted vital information into the ether, and threatened to pollute our precious bodily fluids. Oddly, there was no trace of this either, as our UFO detection equipment remained silent and showed no signs of having been “spoofed” by Aliens or interdimensional transmogrifications of the type usually associated with such raids. And yet our equipment continued to be degraded, compromised, and drained of information. Boy, were we getting hacked! (Get it?)
So anyway, it turned out that the insidious Chinese Communists were behind the whole thing—we could have kicked ourselves for not figuring it out in the first place. We traced their interference back to the their infamous Unit 61398 facilities in Shanghai—after considerable effort, retro-formulating the transmissive frequencies of the influx as they were refracted off the ionosphere and redirected toward a series of inter-phased computer terminals behind the bamboo curtain, we ascertained the location of the offending agency headquartered at the Chinese People’s Liberation Army strategic cyber command, 3rd department of the General Staff. This is a massive headquarters building, 12 stories tall, staffed by hundreds, conceivably even thousands of dedicated Chicom cyberspacial saboteurs. It was first discovered on our satellite imagery in 2007. Unit 61398 is located at Datong Road 208 within the Pudong New Area of Shanghai. Check it out on Google Earth!
It is known that the 3rd Department has a combined focus on signals intelligence, foreign language proficiency, and defense information. Obviously, this makes WOOF a prime target for their fiendish machinations, and target us they did, extensively damaging our memory banks, lifting our emails, compromising our access codes and corrupting at least one Ed Wood film collection on disc. The resultant chaos obliged us to take leave of the web briefly, and we know that many of you felt rudderless and unsupported during this time, but we are here now, dear readers and fellow patriots, working with our freshly reconstituted computerized resources, bringing you the shocking truth regarding this dastardly Chinese Communist assault on our instrumentation and your First Amendment rights!
Nor was WOOF the only target of these massive attacks. Many defense and commercial industries were similarly assailed. Nor does WOOF wish to hog all the credit for determining the source of these attacks. Generous as always, we hasten to salute the hard working folks at the Mandiant Corporation who were retained by several concerned organizations to investigate these cyber-attacks (while WOOF preferred to carry out its own investigation) and who independently, without any help or input from us, came to most of the same conclusions as we here at WOOF. In fact, Mandiant estimates that the current battle order of the Chinese cyber-attack groups comprises over 1,000 servers. Mandiant also remarks in a recent report that this unit is supported by “linguists, open source researchers, malware authors, industry experts who translate task requests from requestors to the operators, and people who then transmit stolen information to the requestors” (www.mandiant.com). Needless to say, WOOF has vociferously expressed its displeasure at the disruption of our systems by the Chinese Communist government. In response, the Chinese Defense Ministry has responded, telling us that “It is unprofessional and groundless to accuse the Chinese military of launching cyber attacks without any conclusive evidence.” How’s that for a response? When you think about it, they’re telling us we can’t fairly accuse them of anything they clearly got away with! Well those folks at Mandiant came up with a memo from the Chinese telecommunication provider that clearly supplies communication links to the very building in which WOOF discovered the Liberation Army doing its dirty work, and the memo says in no uncertain terms that the unit will “smoothly accomplish this task for the military based on the principle that national defense construction is important.” So how’s that for proof, Chinese Defense Ministry? Hmmm?
Don’t doubt for a moment, readers, that WOOF has also complained to its elected officials about this unwarranted (okay, maybe slightly warranted) Communist intrusion into our cyberspace, and as you might have supposed, both Democrats and Republicans are in firm agreement on the point that powerful legislation is needed, especially to protect the National electric grid, but also to protect all American corporations from Chinese cyber theft and tampering. As our savvy and well educated readership is aware, this means that congress has no clue what to do about any of this.
But as for us, we here at WOOF are back, and feistier than ever, ready to strike the next blow against Red aggression in our own back yard, and around the world! So stay on your toes down there in Shanghai, you never know what kind of payback we may be cooking up in our fabulous Science and Technology Directorate! As soon as we replace a few more cathode tubes, we’ll be ready to take you on, comrades! And America, please excuse our absence—we have improvised, adapted, and overcome! And now we need to get back to the important .business of saving the Constitution for the American people!