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ZOMBIES, WITCHES, CLINTONS and KAINE! (WOOF Celebrates Birthday #4; Awash in the Demon Haunted Matrix of 2016!)

In "The horror...the horror!" forum on October 31, 2016 at 9:04 am

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As we always explain at the outset of these birthday reviews, it’s once again the anniversary of WOOF’s entrance upon the cyberspacial stage, which is to say, in a less self-absorbed context, that it is once again Halloween. And as we also remark every year, it just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first hesitant and shabbily configured post on October 31, 2012. And here we are, four years later, the same dedicated band of jovial troglodytic counter-revolutionaries ensconced in our secret cave on the rocky coast of the tempestuous Atlantic, wishing ourselves another happy birthday.

Manifest horrors… 

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A pretty scary decade!

As alwaysin keeping with the season, we now proceed to document the spookiest phenomena of the year to date, and this–we regret to say–means paying special attention this year to the scariest idea since demonic possession was re-popularized in the ‘70s  (which was a pretty scary decade, by the way), by which we mean Hillary Clinton becoming President. And that thought conjures a variety of terror that aficionados of the horror genre call “manifest.” In a way, it is the least sophisticated aspect of the art—the part of the movie where the monster appears and comes right at you. Sure, it’s scary, but overtly–almost cathartically so–and never quite so viscerally unnerving as the deeper psychological impact of its subtler counterpart, “implicit” terror.

TRUE FACT: Hillary's head does not actually spin around backwards--this is a misconception attributable the fact that certain lighting effects combine with the Secretary's Mao jacket collars to create the illusion of her head facing backwards.

TRUE FACT: Hillary’s head does not actually spin completely around–this is a misconception attributable to the fact that certain lighting effects combine with the Secretary’s Mao jacket collars to create the illusion of her head facing backwards.

For example, think about the parts in those teen slasher flicks where some supernaturally unvanquishable creature—say, Michael Meyers, or the other guy–the guy in the hockey mask–shows himself and begins lumbering after the screaming teenage coed, knife swishing around menacingly, massive figure looming, dead eyes beaming cold homicidality…all on the big screen….that’s manifest horror. Okay, Mrs. Clinton doesn’t have a knife, but otherwise it’s the same idea. The point is that regardless of whether we’re gaping at Jason or Hillary, the threat is right before our eyes, and while our adrenaline may be pumping uncontrollably, there is at least the oddly comforting realization that this is it–a stark confrontation with a malevolent creature from the Pit.  Hillary Clinton increasingly embodies that ghastly mythologem: the malignant crone of a thousand goose-bump-raising folktales–stumbling and wobbling toward the prize as if upheld by some occult force—and we watch helplessly, captives of a waking nightmare. But as in most nightmares, something nameless exerts an even darker influence on our souls, and strikes us with an even greater fear…

And deeper fears….

The most terrifying influences are psychological—and deeply so, in ways that incorporate those equally vital elements: suspense, and trepidation. Isn’t it scarier watching the coeds wander around outdoors with their dorky candles and flashlights, looking for whatever made the creepy noise outside their cabin, than it is to watch the monster chase them? Or at least unsettling in a creepier, more insidious way? These subtler manifestations of the macabre remind us of Lovecraft’s decree that “the oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is…of the unknown.”

“Hello, police? We’d like to report something creepy moving around outside–we think it might be the worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us!”

The CREEPING UNKNOWN, 2016….

creep-sideAnd what dimly intuited dread gnaws at the peace of mind of everyday, red-blooded Americans, you ask? Well, okay, you didn’t really ask—but since we have a reply ready to hand, we’re going to pretend you did so we can tell you the answer. Perhaps it’s already occurred to you, or you may have jammed it so deeply into your unconscious that it only occasionally pecks at your awareness like an abreactive vulture—but the answer is: All those other Americans! Seriously, who are they?

led-three-livesTake that  TV show about sympathetic communist spies—what makes such a reprehensible formula salable outside the febrile sanctums of Hollywood? How did we get from Richard Carlson punching out commies for America in I Led Three Lives (1953-1956) to the current fare in which good-guy commies punch out properly degenerate capitalistic Americans? You may feel prompted to reply, “Aha, because so many of our fellow citizens are strangely dislocated from the American ethos; that’s what you’re getting at!” And yes, that’s part of the answer—but why do the rest of us watch? We believe a substantial subset of viewers are half-knowingly in search of answers—seeking to understand these others who come advertised as “The Americans.” And our curiosity seems justified given how many others traipsed distraitly to the polls only four years ago to re-elect the first blatantly anti-American president in our national history. Who are these people, and what on earth befell them between birth and their collective transfigurement?  What hidden force controls them; what infernal delusions motivate them?

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Pod people…!

We haven’t kept count of how many seed-pods-in-the-basement jokes Glenn Beck has made recently, but they’re nothing to laugh at.  The seed-pod trope has endured in popular vernacular longer than its origins have lingered in popular memory. Just as thousands of water-cooler debaters exhort dissenting co-workers to “just keep drinking that kool-aid” without the foggiest notion of what happened in Jonestown, Guiana, so polemicists like Beck avert to “pod people” without giving any particular thought to which pop-cultural event begat the image. But here at WOOF we’ve been giving it plenty of thought. (You probably saw that coming, right?)

film1956-invasionofthebodysnatchers-originalposterThe 1956 film Invasion of the Body Snatchers originated the pod-people allusion. The average citizen may not recall this minor masterpiece from Don Siegel and Walter Wanger, but graduates of college film courses recall it. That’s because contemporary professors of the cinematic arts loftily reference the film as a blatant example of that era’s greatest evil: McCarthyism. The lectures never vary. Students learn that science fiction films of the 1950’s sought to recast the Red Menace as invaders from space, thus offering film-goers a cathartic release from their cold-war “paranoia.” Mostly, of course, this is unvarnished flapdoodle—but in the case of Body Snatchers, the pundits have a valid point. What they uniformly omit from their critiques, of course, is that McCarthy had a valid point too. He saw the Body Snatchers coming.

“Call the FBI!…Oh, wait…”

Are we seriously suggesting that a movie about seed pods from space materializing in peoples’ basements in small town America and gradually growing to resemble and ultimately replace the unsuspecting townsfolk, offers some sort of vital sociopolitical insight for our times?  Yes. In fact, what critic Leonard Maltin called the picture’s “McCarthy-era subtext” powerfully depicts the undiscerning insouciance of ordinary Americans who fail to notice friends, loved ones, and trusted authorities transforming into monotonic doppelgangers bent on subverting the very culture they inhabit. The town physician (played by the coincidentally appellated Kevin McCarthy) notices, but he can’t get anyone to believe him. Aware that the pod people replace humans while they sleep, the doctor fills his pockets with Benzedrine, grabs his extremely beautiful if incongruously British fiancée (Dana Wynter) and makes a break for it.

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Sad to say Dana dozes off for a moment and she awakens a gosh darned communist pod person from space– but we still love her.

“Yes, it’s an emergency!”

Dana must have forgotten to take her Benzedrine because she falls asleep and gets co-opted by the space commies, but (Kevin) McCarthy escapes to a neighboring town where he  explains the situation to law enforcement. Understandably, the cops send in a psychiatrist who is about to ship our hero off to a padded cell when suddenly, compelling evidence turns up from another source that verifies his story. The last line in the movie is spoken by the suddenly-persuaded psychiatrist who snatches up the office phone and thunders, “Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Yes, it’s an emergency!

Future Democrat voters.

Future Democrat voters.

Today, the creepiest mystery haunting America is the rationally incomprehensible transformation of nearly half the population into what less gracious blogs might call brainwashed, zombified stooges. Who are these pod citizens who pursue their petty amusements while the Constitution is mocked, the President legislates, Supreme Court Justices toy with their fundamental liberties, and our exchequer is bled dry? Who are the Americans shrugging indifferently as their health care is sabotaged, their children rendered clueless by Common Core, their safety jeopardized by government-approved racial strife, their Joint Chiefs replaced with sycophantic careerists, their Internet handed off to a consortium of thugs, and their economy deliberately incapacitated? Do these people have seed pods in their basements? Are they the hapless victims of some sinister mind-control device? Oh, and about that….

WOOF’s annual THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE award….

In case this segment frightens you, the liberal media have even produced a book proving there is no such thing as the liberal media--you may find it soothing!

In case this segment frightens you, the liberal media have even produced a book proving there is no such thing as the liberal media–you may find it comforting.

Speaking of sinister mind control,the liberal media receive this year’s thing-that-would-not-die award. Of all the cultural monstrosities that beleaguer us, they remain the most conspicuously undead. The final phases of journalistic decomposition, like the final throes of rabies, seem to be the most frenzied and delirious. True, this may be the last major election the media can so shamelessly skew. Surveys suggest that only 6 percent of Americans trust the news nowadays, and (mirabile dictu!) Democrats trust it more than all other categories of respondents. The willingness of pod-voters to cast off the blessings of liberty in exchange for statism’s illusory gewgaws may be at least partly ascribable to massive doses of daily media misdirection.

Runner up: Carlos Danger rides again!

Runner up: Carlos Danger rides again!

Today, even if some freshly aroused citizen were to suddenly take note of the creeping terror at his doorstep, snatch up his phone and demand, ““Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation!” What good would it do? When James Comey proves unwilling to pursue justice if the result might embarrass the Clinton political machine; and subsequent revelations reveal that the Bureau’s chief function during the Hillary investigation consisted of handing out immunity to her accomplices like party favors–it becomes obvious that even America’s vaunted G-Men have slumbered, and fallen victim to the Body Snatchers. But this brings us to RUNNER UP for our thing-that-would-not-die categorythe perennial Anthony Weiner! If we can credit the latest news flashes, Director Comey now seems poised to redeem his organization by renewing the Clinton investigation; and this because “new evidence” has appeared—and the “new evidence” comes, apparently, by way of the Bureau’s investigation of the Weiner scandal–meaning that Hillary may be sucked into “Weinergate” through Huma Abedin’s cell phone. And that, Woofeteers, is a sentence that could only have been written this Halloween!

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It takes a GLOBAL village?

Cardinal Sarah--another one of those uppity out-of-towners lecturing America's

Cardinal Sarah–another one of those uppity out-of-towners who doesn’t understand progress.

At May’s National Catholic Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C., Cardinal Robert Sarah opined that in the United States, “God is being eroded, eclipsed,liquidated, in the name of ‘tolerance’.” As evidence, Sarah cited “the legalization of same sex marriage, the obligation to accept contraception within health care programs, and ‘bathroom bills’ that allow men to use women’s restrooms and locker rooms.”  And as if that weren’t offensive enough to the sensibilities of his contemporaries, the Cardinal ended with an even more intolerable microaggression, asking “Should not a biological man use the men’s restroom?” But then, Cardinal Sarah is from Guinea, West Africa, and can be forgiven the archaic bias or two.  It is peculiar, isn’t it, how often a proper understanding of multiculturalism seems lost on foreigners!

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Yes, globalism’s mission to spread the joys of corporatist collusion, U.N. corruption and “social justice” by fiat,  may be threatened by a handful of theological reactionaries. Fay Voshell, for instance, argued in the September 4th American Thinker that globalism constitutes a form of secular religion conducing toward a “world order in which all men pay allegiance to elite priests who rule over a World City without national borders.”  Demonstrating a theological mind set completely at odds with America’s mainstream churches, Voshell went on to argue that such concepts are, in fact, objectionable.  Wallace Henley, senior associate pastor of 2nd Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, called “the global governance scenario” “terrifying,” while Pastor Jim Garlow of Skyline Church in San Diego went so far as to call globalism “demonic at its core.” Globalism, it seems, has a bitter-clinger problem.

Professor Rabkin, contra mundi.so to speak.

Professor Rabkin, contra mundi.so to speak.

Not all opponents of globalism are Bible-belt rustics, however.  George Mason University Law School Professor Jeremy Rabkin–who is immune to accusations of fundamentalist dementia by virtue of being Jewish, which means that people like Hillary can only deprecate his heritage privately or in emails–published The Case for Sovereignty: Why The World Should Welcome American Independence, in which he argues for American exceptionalism, a concept uniformly appalling to Leftists.  More to the point, Rabkin told an interviewer that globalism is “a little creepy, a little uncanny. It’s basically saying ‘We are going to organize the world in a way that establishes an artificial consensus.’ It’s not enough to say it’s undemocratic. It’s threatening; it’s almost demonic.”

The devil, you say!

Well, what if it’s not almost demonic? In 2004, an official decree from Pope John Paul II instructed every Catholic diocese to appoint a qualified exorcist.  Pope Francis, despite his reputation for exhibiting dishearteningly progressive views on sundry matters, is known to support the rite of exorcism wholeheartedly. In fact, Francis himself performed an informal exorcism on a wheelchair-bound parishioner two years ago. What’s up?

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SPOILER ALERT!  Linda Blair remembered a lot in Exorcist II, although Richard Burton was drunk throughout filming and claimed not to remember anything. Actually, Linda looks a lot better here than the film ever did.

hillary use itWe have a very secularized society in which, more than in the past, there’s the tendency to open the doors to occultism,” explains Father Pedro Barrajon, director of the Vatican’s Instituto Sacerdos. Fortunately there are experts on hand like Italian priest Gabriele Amorth, who has personally cast out 160,000 demons and heads the Catholic International Association of Exorcists—did you know that was even a thing? Amorth’s organization agrees that demonic activity is on the rise—and warns against such subtle seductions as ouija boards…and  yoga.  Suddenly Hillary’s rush to delete those 30,000 yoga-related emails makes sense!

Fr. Amorth believes priests should exorcise frequently.

Fr. Amorth believes priests should exorcise regularly.

Father Amorth went public earlier this month with concerns that his Church may not be able to hold the line against Lucifer.  In Italy, at least, young priests are quailing at the thought of performing exorcisms, declaring the process too terrifying. “There are only nine of us left and many more are needed,” Amorth lamented. “We need other priests like me to meet the needs of so many families.”

Fortunately, Americans are made of sterner stuff.  Sociologist Michael Cuneo insists that “Exorcism is more readily available today in the United States than perhaps ever before,” adding that “there are at least five or six hundred evangelical exorcism ministries in operation today, and quite possibly two or three times this many.” But to date, only Mexico has undergone a national exorcism. Last May, Spain’s noted exorcism expert, Fr José Antonio Fortea, joined forces with Cardinal Juan Sandoval Íñiguez, Archbishop Emeritus of Guadalajara in performing the rare “exorcismo magno,” an effort to deliver the entire country from demonic possession.  Should the United States contemplate such a self-administered cleansing? Or just build a wall in case the effort in Mexico fails?

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Demons even go viral in sonograms—like the one featured in The Daily Mail last January.   The sonogram is real, although the mother prefers to remain anonymous. The Mail’s readers claimed to see a demonic entity watching the developing baby.  WOOF’s Readers may be relieved to learn that several authenticated sonograms have also appeared in which an image of Jesus was detected, (see example below for reassurance).

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ISIS actually blew up the original temple of Baal last August because Baal was not a Muslim. The UN called the action a war crime, and then broke for tea..

ISIS actually blew up the original temple last August because Baal isn’t a Muslim. The UN called the action “a war crime,” and then broke for lunch.

And as if  all that weren’t weird enough, author Michael Snyder warns that near-exact replicas of the arch  over the entrance to the Temple of Baal in Palmyra, Syria, have been constructed in Times Square and  Trafalgar Square. Reuters confirmed the simultaneous unveilings, timed, many believe, to coincide with the occult festival of Baal. Sources including Breitbart and O’Reilly have featured reports about the twin arches, which Snyder fears will serve as “giant welcome signs for the Antichrist.” “From this point forward,”  he predicts, ” things are going to get much, much stranger.” We at WOOF are prepared to go out on a limb, and endorse Snyder’s prediction!

There have been signs!

Meanwhile, the baffling fascination insects display for socialist totalitarians-manque continues to dominate our “signs” category. Not only did bees pester Obama everywhere he went during his first term–he seemed incapable of keeping flies from landing on his face during speeches. Many dismissed this as happenstance, and sensibly reasoned that if insects were sending  other-worldly messages by swarming Obama, they would presumably target other progressive reprobates. This quieted our nerves at WOOF until the second Hillary/Trump debate. Hillary no sooner began screaking about her absurd plan to enforce a Syrian “no-fly zone,” than a fly planted itself determinedly above her left eye. Naturally this led us to consult Grayson Moseley Straith, WOOF’s own paranormal adviser, regarding the portent of these manifestations. Grayson replied that evidence of demonic involvement would be lacking, “unless the individuals made no effort to swat or wipe away the insects–as though powerless to do so.”  So now we’re really worried!
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Guess who!

The New Yorker takes a surprisingly incisive editorial stance on the matter....

The New Yorker took a surprisingly enlightened editorial stance on the matter….

Even worse! The Antichrist is Barack Hussein Obama. We didn’t say that, Michelle Bachmann did–or at least she pretty much did. Check her out here. The beautiful conservative and former House member insists that Obama’s next ambition is to assume the top slot at the United Nations “and become King of the World.”  Despite the high regard in which we hold the congresswoman, WOOF continues to believe that Rappin’ Preezy is too sissified and dorky to qualify as the Antichrist.  For that matter, the United Nations is pretty sissified and dorky too…so we maintain that while Obama may be possessed,  he is almost certainly not the Antichrist. We qualify our opinion only because SNOPES bothered to rebut Bachmann’s claims at great length, thereby lending  them a modicum of credence.

Annual Halloween WITCH HUNT update!

High Commissioner Benjamin--further proof if any were needed that the Empire is finished.

High Commissioner Benjamin–further proof if any were needed that the British Empire is finished.

Our yearly witch-hunt update begins in sub-West Africa where the Republic of Ghana is rounding up thousands of alleged witches and stuffing them into internment camps. British High Commissioner Jon Benjamin felt prompted to demand the camps be closed. Obviously a man with little regard for multiculturalism, Benjamin bridled at suggestions he should respect local beliefs, rejoining, “Personally, I believe in the 21st Century it’s time to say there is no such thing as a witch and to decry the practice of using such a term to dehumanise vulnerable women.”  To what extent the Commissioner’s comments may have offended Wiccans is not immediately clear, but they made no discernible impression on the Ghanaians.

TRUE FACT: Despite their negative image, many witches are disturbingly attractive and should not be viewed naked without proper precautions!

TRUE FACT: Despite their popular image as hags and crones, many witches are disturbingly attractive and should not be viewed naked except by trained professionals!

Socialists everywhere may wish to pay special heed to the Republic of Benin this year, where the government announced that witchcraft explains why some people are more successful than others, and proposed state-sponsored counter-magical efforts to ensure an even playing field for its citizens.  Perhaps “income inequality” is banishable by magic? President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia, meanwhile, complains that he’s the target of evil spells. Despite Amnesty International’s objections, Gambia has already arrested over 1,000 witches suspected of anti-Jammehian spellweaving. Not to be outdone, Saudi Arabia has now created a total of nine anti-witchcraft bureaus which, according to the Arab News, have “achieved remarkable success.” In a recent case, witch-busters broke into the home of a suspected sorceress who, according to authorities, was caught in the act of casting a spell while naked, but eluded arrest by flying out her window, “like a bird!” Her flying abilities apparently gave way a few blocks from her apartment and she plunged through a rooftop, landing near a bed filled with sleeping children. There, the Witch Police found her unconscious and cuffed her before she could regain her senses and fly off.

Actual Saudi TV image of fallen witch. Fortunately, she's okay--disappointingly, she appears clothed. Her subsequent fate is unknown.

Actual Saudi TV image of fallen witch, stunned, but unrepentant.

According to the Times of India for March 17th, Agra played host toa horrifying incident, [in which] a man, who suspected his sister-in-law of practicing witchcraft and black magic on his family, chopped off her head with a sharp edged chopper in village Gadhia in the Mainpuri district of Uttar Pradesh on Thursday.”  The man, one Uttam (making him Uttam from Uttar, but we digress), blamed his sister-in-law, Dhandevi, the deceased alleged witch, for performing rites of sorcery leading to the death of his brother Thakur. We cannot help mentioning, in the interest of objectivity, that the Times’ most upvoted comment regarding the incident came from one Harrison H. McDonald, who remarked:

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Cackling Witch” (stock photo)

“The fellow could have been correct. There are lots of witches flying around out there. One of them is running for President of the United States.”

And while we note that Mr. McDonald did not specify a candidate, evidence that Hillary is an occultic witch of the Illuminati is abundantly available at various Internet locations like this one. And lest you dismiss such conjecture out of hand, gentle readers, consider that the international belief in witchcraft remains surprisingly robust. Even in the civilized West a poll of Canadians and British subjects found that 13 percent believed in witches, while almost a quarter of Americans do. Naturally, WOOF made an exhaustive effort to locate survey data indicating what percentage of likely voters would knowingly support a witch’s presidential candidacy, but surprisingly, no such studies exist.

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“You mean, like Democrats?”

ghost-breakersindexZombies are bigger than ever, of course– which continues to baffle those of us who thought they hit their stride when they recorded “She’s Not There”– but films, TV programs, and video games remain infested with the creatures. So what, exactly, is a zombie? Our favorite description derives from the 1940 comedy classic Ghost Breakers. In the film, Bob Hope and co-star Paulette Goddard find themselves in the tropics and beset by zombies. Baffled, they ask a local (played by Richard Carlson) for advice. Carlson explains that zombies have been raised from the dead. “That sounds horrible!” Goddard gasps. “It’s worse than horrible,” Carlson tells her,”because a zombie has no will of his own. You see them sometimes, walking around blindly, with dead eyes–following orders, not knowing what they do–not caring.” Hearing this, Hope asks “You mean like Democrats?”

The zombie Democrat theory got a boost of sorts when Hillary continued campaigning after her death was announced by ABC news.  On the evening of Hillary’s panicky exit from the 9/11 memorial followed by her sidewalk collapse, anchorman Joe Torres began his six o’clock news broadcast on New York’s WABC by saying, “Good evening. We begin with Hillary Clinton’s death.”  Adding to the episode’s surreal atmosphere, the program’s co-anchor continued smiling placidly through Torres’s dire pronouncement, as though she considered it settled history. Pressured for the facts, WABC dismissed Torres’s shocking lead as “a misstatement,” but rumor held that in reality, Torres had departed from contemporary journalistic standards and blurted out the truth.  The rumor gained stature when a tweet materialized purporting to show a screen shot of ABC’s webpage confirming that Clinton “died under hospital treatment at Montefiore Medical Hospital.”  In a rational era, the subsequent inability of anybody to locate such a posting on ABC’s site might have sufficed to discredit the tweet as a hoax; but in Obama’s America–where liberal news networks notoriously expunge or dramatically alter any website items displeasing to their DNC overlords–the post was rumored to have been stricken on orders from the campaign.

Cruel hoax, or yet another example of accidental journalism?

Cruel hoax, or accidental journalism?

Rumors quickly multiplied, including the notion that the woman who emerged feeling “great!” from Chelsea Clinton’s apartment was Hillary’s body double.  Twitter and the blogosphere blazed with support for this theory, mostly highlighting the putative differences in Mrs. Clinton’s figure and/or physiognomy before and after her widely viewed face-plant into her limousine. But even more ghoulish possibilities haunt our thoughts in the WOOF cave. After all, could a body double replace Hillary and also stumble like her? Screech like her? Pop her eyes out or cough like her, or phrase obviously focus-grouped rhetoric in those same painfully artificial tones?  It seems impossible. Which brings us to…..

WOOF’S SECOND ANNUAL “COLANDER OF DOOM” AWARD

colkidsindexWhat if Hillary recently underwent a head transplant? No, really. The internationally-renowned neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero (this year’s recipient of our Colander-of-Doom award) proposed the transplantation of human heads several years ago, explaining the process in a series of scientifically credible monographs detailing his plans  to re-animate lifeless bodies (after attaching his patients’ heads to them) with massive jolts of electrical current. In keeping with this markedly Gothic paradigm, Dr. Canavero turned to Germany for funding. “Today, I am officially asking Germany to help me realize the first cephalosomatic anastomosis in human history on German soil,” he announced, imploring Germans to “live up to what you are, a country that has set standards in medicine and technology for centuries.” Okay, that’s a little creepy.

Famed Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavera upon receiving word that Germany will sponsors his head transplants--what could possibly go wrong?

Famed Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero receiving word that Germany will sponsor his head transplants–note his telltale Hillary-style  Mao jacket!

But even as Canavero petitioned the Fatherland, a seemingly unrelated  news item surfaced in an unlikely venue. The Washington Post reviewed Hillary’s misdeeds as Secretary of State in a manner shockingly close to the truth, concluding that “rarely, if ever, has a potential commander in chief been so closely associated with an organization [her own Foundation] that has solicited financial support from foreign governments.” And of the governments named, the United Arab Emirates and Germany figured most prominently. And since no thinking person would consider having her head transplanted in the United Arab Emirates, that leaves Germany, whose financiers’  interactions with the Clinton Cartel almost certainly include machinations that could prove ruinous if exposed. In such an atmosphere, a mutual willingness to grant occasional favors is understandable. One such favor might involve an affirmative response to Dr. Canavero’s seemingly ridiculous demand for funding. And indeed, just when things looked bleakest for cephalosomatic anastomosis, German funds were made available.  True, WOOF has not yet obtained specific evidence that Mrs.Clinton was secretly transported to Germany for a head transplant, but like James Comey–our investigation continues.

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The unquiet dead…

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Newman (premorbid), and large flower (background).

And lest you suppose, gentle readers, that zombies and politics never mix, consider how often dead people win elections! Take the case of Kansas City Councilwoman Hila “Dutch” Bucher Newman (D.) who ruled as Grande Dame of Missouri’s liberal establishment for decades.  Mrs Newman died of old age–thrilled that she had survived to see Hillary Clinton (whom she eulogized routinely) receive the presidential nomination.  And despite nationwide torrents of dutifully hagiographic testimonials lamenting her demise,  Councilwoman Dutch Newman was re-elected  on Aug. 3rd, one week after dying at age 95.  Nobody, apparently, dared suggest she relinquish her seat.

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Boggs, flying high even in absentia

Also in Missouri, back in 2000, a lifeless Governor Mel Carnahan (D) defeated incumbent U.S. Senator John Ashcroft (R). The Governor was known to have died in a plane crash a month earlier, but he somehow managed to soldier on, winning the seat from Ashcroft who was certifiably alive, although never ostentatiously so. And in keeping with our Halloween missing-aircraft tradition, what about House Majority Leader Hale Boggs and Rep. Nick Begich? The plane carrying both politicians disappeared over Alaska on Oct. 16th, 1972–and not a trace of them or their plane was ever found despite exhaustive searching.  And if you think that’s spooky, consider this–not one, but both missing Democrats won re-election. Coincidence?

Florida Democrat Earl K. Wood died several weeks before the 2012 election yet managed to secure a twelfth term as Orange County’s Tax Collector in Orlando, Florida.  In 2010, Carl Geary won a landslide Mayoral victory in Tracy City, Tennessee, despite dying a month earlier. In 2009, Mayor Harry Stonebraker (D), was laid to rest weeks before he was swept to re-election by 90 percent of the vote in Winfield, Missouri. In 2008, Patsy Mink died of pneumonia one week after winning the Democratic primary for Hawaii’s second congressional district, but mysteriously remained on the ballot and won hands down, as it were.

Theodore S. Weiss--endorsed by the NYT despite being dead.

Theodore S. Weiss–endorsed by the NYT despite being dead.

Back in 1992 the New York Times endorsed Ted Weiss for re-election to congress from Manhattan’s West Side. The article acknowledged that Weiss was dead, having succumbed to heart failure days earlier, but encouraged voters to support his ticket anyway inasmuch as Weiss’s opponent was “a right-wing extremist.”  In those days, of course, the Times had subscribers–many of whom filed obediently to the poles handing Weiss a post-morbid walkaway (so to speak) of 54,168 votes to the hapless extremist’s 7,560.  The grisly question naturally presents itself–how many dead Democrat candidates are elected by majorities of equally dead Democrat voters?

zombie1Alarm was raised earlier this year concerning this very issue when J. Christian Adam, former Voting Section Attorney at the US Department of Justice, confirmed that “Dead people are voting!” As evidence, Adam cited a Pew Charitable Trust review of national voting roles that turned up nearly four million dead people who were deemed likely voters, many of whom appear to exercise their franchise regularly from beyond the grave. Astonishingly, irrespective of their politics when alive, dead people almost always vote a straight Democratic ticket—is that because their brains are decaying?

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Madonna, vowing to make the dead grateful?

And as a postscript to these concerns, surely the emerging data cast an entirely different light on Madonna’s mid-October vow to perform oral sex on everyone who votes for Hillary Clinton this November–the sheer numbers alone seem daunting, and then there’s the whole abuse-of-a-corpse problem. But on the other hand, perhaps she intends to breathe new life (see what we did there?) into the long-foundering Horror Porn genre.

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evil clown

Creepy clown sightings…third annual report! 

We at WOOF have been way out in front when it comes to creepy clowns. We began warning you about them in our 2nd birthday post back in 2014, and yet there are more of them now than ever–sort of like liberal celebrities. But the important distinction is that creepy clowns are elusive–and considerably less funny. And now, actual non-creepy clowns are in an uproar about the phenomenon.  In fact, we now have an official statement from the World Clown Association to the effect that “People dressed as horror clowns are not ‘real clowns.’ They are taking something innocent and wholesome and perverting it to create fear in their audience.” Accordingly, scores of professional clowns are preparing to participate in a Clown Lives Matter demonstration [which sounds clownishly microaggressive, but who are we to judge?] Nationally-respected talk show host Howie Carr, whose probity we deem unassailable), reports the WCA issued a statement denying that Democrat vice-presidential candidate Tim Kaine is one of them. Kaine meanwhile has yet to address charges that he may be a creepy clown, and WOOF’s inquiries to his office remain (we think tellingly) unanswered. Creepy clowns, meanwhile, are spreading through more states, apparently undeterred by the Worldwide Clown Association’s reprimands.

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An authentic creepy clown photo verified by WOOF’s own Science and the Paranormal Directorate which affirms the photo shows real spooky clowns–not suspended models, inflated figures, or members of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Aw, see--now who did that? Some mean people on Twitter, probably--haters!

Tim Kaine–Aw, see–now who did that? Some mean people on Twitter, probably–haters!

Vigilant authorities in Alabama warn that anyone complicit in that state’s outbreak of clown appearances will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law—whichever law that might be.  In Dublin, Georgia, clowns were implicated in at least one auto accident. Police Chief Tim Chatman told local station 11 Alive that “it was a family member that reported it several hours later — that it was the reason why this accident occurred; because someone was in the road dressed like a clown.” Pressed for details, the Chief added,“We can’t say for certain that someone hasn’t seen anyone looking like a clown.”

v2-wascoclownWhen Lebanon, Tennessee experienced a series of clown encounters, the Tennessee Highway Patrol responded swiftly. One Coffee County student claimed she was attacked by one of the baffling bozos, although the story proved difficult to confirm in the absence of the clown. The Highway Patrol’s official bulletin on the subject encouraged citizens to be on the lookout for “suspicious clowns.” And clowns fitting that description turned up soon thereafter in neighboring South Carolina and Kentucky. In South Carolina, citizens of Greenville report a “clown flap” which began on August 21st  when coulrophobic callers lit up the switchboard at the Greenville police station.  The police were not amused—indeed, the Greenville police chief assured concerned residents that “clowning around will not be tolerated [because] It’s illegal. It’s dangerous. And it’s inappropriate…” and yet inappropriate clowns continue to manifest themselves in South Carolina and at least twelve other states. This has, you may be sure, drawn the attention of the Obama administration (also beset by clowns) which announced only this month that spooky clowns are “sinister,” and to be “taken seriously.” A spokesman for the President told reporters that the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security “have been consulted on how to handle the scare.”  So, one assumes the President is focused on the problem like a laser, and a line in the sand may shortly be drawn. Despite these reassuring measures, a newly-released poll from Chapman University shows that 42 percent of Americans are afraid of clowns, whereas only 32 percent are afraid of climate change. We bet the overlap is considerable.

America strikes back!

“Not funny!”

Meanwhile, citizens have taken matters into their own hands, which is usually more efficient in the age of Obama.  During a creepy-clown outbreak in Athens, Georgia, an eleven-year-old girl was discovered with a knife in school. According to police the girl insisted she was carrying the knife “to protect her and her family because she had heard the stories about clowns jumping out of the woods and attacking children.”  The story fails to recount how police dealt with the young lady–presumably they commended her civic-mindedness.

When three creepy clowns showed up in Compton, California, they were confronted by angry locals, one of whom dispensed with formalities and landed a right cross on the nearest clown’s jaw. This sent the harlequins scampering–which is difficult in clown shoes. On October 5th, a creepy clown crept up on a car only to be assaulted by the occupants who beat him nearly unconscious with a baseball bat before discovering he was a friend attempting to frighten them. (Better safe, we think, than sorry!) On the same evening, a creepy clown confronted a woman in Auburn, Maine, formed a gloved hand to resemble a gun, and whispered “Bang!”  Maine, however, is a legal-carry state, and when the 49-year-old woman pulled her 9 mm automatic, the clown chose the better part of valor and beat feet.

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SCARY COSTUMES AND MASKS AWARD

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Amazingly lifelike, seasonably terrifying, yet oddly unsalable!

Every fourth Halloween, newscasters rush around interviewing costume shop clerks, revisiting the decades-old hypothesis that mask sales predict election results. This year, we haven’t seen any such stories, possibly because “Trump is the most costume-marketable candidate in history,” according to Courtland Hickey, general manager of Chicago Costume. Thus, the Trumpster is this category’s clear winner. Oddly, despite Hillary leading the polls throughout September and most of October, trick-or-treaters are shunning her masks and stocking up on Trump costumes. Also, where is the fashion craze Mrs. Clinton’s day-glo Mao-Tse-Tung outfits should have ignited? The media unanimously hail her wardrobe as “trendy,” but–where’s the trend? Why aren’t progressive women bursting into toney fashion boutiques, demanding pantsuits à la  Hillary? Not since Braniff Airlines painted its passenger jets all sorts of voguish colors (before going bankrupt) has so much eyeball-busting variety been available to the fashion-conscious socialist, yet to date, only Angela Merkel seems to have caught the spirit.

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Stronger together? So why aren’t feminists everywhere disporting themselves in outfits like these–from the ‘Hillary Line’ of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s fall collection?

ALIENS FROM SPACE….

aliens among us!John Podesta is our 2016 winner in this category. Bill Clinton’s former Chief of Staff and Hillary’s current campaign chairman is a longtime UFO enthusiast, but that, as the Clintons like to say, is old news. Recent revelations from Wikileaks, however, expose the full intensity of Podesta’s obsession. By his own admission, Podesta tried, during Bill Clinton’s second term, to persuade the Air Force and CIA to allow the White House access to files on Roswell, Area 51, and other saucerological mysteries–but the military-intelligence establishment wouldn’t budge.  Recent Asange revelations make clear that Podesta’s interest in ufology only intensified as a result, and drew him into an utterly bizarre exchange of emails, beginning in 2015, with one Tom DeLonge, the lead singer for the rock band Blink-182, which nobody at WOOF ever heard of, although that’s not particularly damning.  At any rate, DeLonge persuaded Podesta that he, DeLonge, was receiving secret information from at least “ten  highly placed sources inside the U.S. government,” each of whom seemed a virtual wellspring of deeply classified UFO secrets.

Tom DeLonge--John Podesta's personal adviser on ufological affairs.

Tom DeLonge–John Podesta’s personal adviser on UFO affairs.

Bask for a moment in the wonderful ridiculousness of this, Woofketeers! The President’s chief of staff demands facts about flying saucers on behalf of the nation’s Commander in Chief,  and is told by the nation’s military and intelligence elites to pound sand.  Yet these same elites can barely restrain their enthusiasm for handing top-secret UFO files over to  a second-tier rock singer whose familiarity with government seems confined to having once recorded a song entitled “Enema of the State,” and a whirlwind bromance with John Kerry. Following a nervous breakdown, Delonge found himself suddenly in awe of Kerry’s “brilliance” and tagged along on the Massachusetts Senator’s stumble-bum 2004 presidential campaign after which he proclaimed Kerry had changed his life. His band seemed to agree: they expelled DeLonge, telling reporters he’d become “paranoid and mentally ill,”  a diagnosis that, although clinically tautological, seems otherwise shrewd.

Tom, John, and the Fragile Divisions

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Delonge, after prolonged exposure to John Kerry.

DeLonge’s recent emails to Podesta reveal his acquisition of two “military advisers” whom he implores Podesta to meet, adding “I think you will find them very interesting, as they were principal leadership relating to our sensitive topic. Both were in charge of most fragile [sic] divisions, as it [sic] relates to Classified Science and DOD topics. Other words [sic], these are A-Level officials.”  As Podesta’s replies have yet to leak, we can only imagine his jubilation upon realizing his luck. Here he was, corresponding with the only rock burnout on earth who possessed his own military advisor (in fact two such advisors) and even better: advisors fresh from commanding the nation’s “most fragile divisions.” Better still, Podesta is collaborating with DeLonge on a UFO documentary scheduled for release in 2017–in time to be suitably mocked in WOOF’s next annual birthday post.

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Mysterious Disappearances….

ameliaEveryone knows that the strangest disappearance since WOOF’s last anniversary was over 30,000 yoga items and wedding invitations vanishing from Hillary Clinton’s private email server(s). This mystery so preoccupied conservative media that its equally mysterious corollary, the disappearance of any trenchant reporting on the subject by anyone in the mainstream media, went largely unremarked. And besides all those yoga emails vanishing into cyberspace, recently leaked FBI notes reveal that two boxes containing Hillary’s printed emails also vanished!  When the State Department’s Office of Information Programs (IPS) first audited them, fourteen boxes of emails were stacked at Secretary Clinton’s Friendship Heights office awaiting FBI examination–but when agents arrived to retrieve the boxes, there were only twelve (insert Twilight Zone music here).  Ever alert, the agents promptly spotted this subtle discrepancy and moved swiftly to detain an IPS official for questioning. Under pressure, the IPS functionary revealed that it was “difficult to say what could have happened.” which apparently mollified the agents, who departed with the twelve boxes that remained.  Shortly afterwards, however, an additional mystery cropped up when all references to the two missing boxes included in the FBI’s official report also completely vanished!

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Just as eerily, Julian Assange’s Internet access disappeared without a trace, leaving the Wikileaker temporarily incommunicado at London’s Ecuadorian Embassy where he remains a virtual prisoner. Wikileaks officials insisted Assange’s connection was “intentionally severed by a state party,” which reminds us that Hillary wanted to “drone” Wikileaks while she was Secretary of State. Luckily for Wikileaks, Mrs. Clinton fell during the subsequent Benghazi crisis, bumped her head, and forgot nearly everything she’d said or done while in office, thus her animosity toward Asange was almost certainly erased.  So, we don’t think Mrs. Clinton severed Assange’s link. First, by her own admission, she knows nothing about computers. Second, the leaks were clearly of no concern to her campaign, as demonstrated by the DNC’s assurances that the leaked  anti-semitic, anti-Catholic, anti-Latino, anti-American, and anti-Bernie messages were “no big deal.” Obviously, then, Hillary lacked both motive and means.

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Escaping Certain Death….

indexEach October we review predictions of imminent doom, so our readers can plan accordingly– but first, let’s examine the ones that missed.  We begin with thanks offered a merciful God, for fending off, again this year, the horrors of Global Warming. This year marked a major milestone given Al Gore’s Oscar-winning prediction that major coastal cities would be submerged by 2016. Unremitting super hurricanes, due to render our seaports uninhabitable,were equally conspicuous in their absence, just as confirmed reports of drowned polar bears remained constant at last year’s level of zero, perhaps because the levels of arctic ice are actually increasing.

Professor Wieslaw Maslowski of the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterrey, California, solemnly foretold the complete absence of polar ice by 2016. Similarly, celebrated climatologist Peter  Wadhams of Cambridge University produced the widely-heralded book A Farewell to Ice, predicting the complete disappearance of arctic ice, even as figures released this September show 21 percent more polar ice than in 2012. We could easily proceed to name dozens of equally-respected experts who fingered this year as mankind’s last opportunity to glimpse icebergs or snow, but we are too overcome with relief at our deliverance.  Deus magnus est.

The Prophet Micah--so misunderstood--it's probably a good thing he's minor.

The Prophet Micah–so misunderstood–it’s probably a good thing he’s minor.

Not only did Hurricane Matthew fall miserably short of expectations–we also survived the entire month of May, which was fraught with peril! For instance,the planet Mercury entered alignment  with the Sun and Earth on May 9th. True this happens thirteen times each century, but the website Prophetico insisted that this time Mercury meant business. A new lunar cycle reduced the moon to a crescent at the apex of Mercury’s alignment–so as Prophetico put it: “The moon itself has been turned into a sickle, so literally turning Orion’s club into a mace as he strikes the lion’s whelp along the cheek, during the transit [of Mercury].” Supposedly this meant worldwide destruction, and/or the return of Christ, as allegedly predicted in the book of Micah—only evidently not. Suffice it that we survived to confront the deathly curse of the Blue Moon.

Black and blue….

blueimagesThe Blue Moon was scheduled to destroy us all on May 21st because it was the fourth full moon in one season—so psychics and tarot readers took to the Internet announcing the end of days. Mercifully, the Blue Moon came and went without incident. But this left us at the mercy of the Black Moon. As opposed to the Blue Moon, the Black Moon of September 27th was the result of the regular moon’s illuminated hemisphere passing under Earth’s shadow. Worse, this particular black moon followed fast upon the heels of a ‘ring of fire’ solar eclipse, which is why legions of astrologers, Internet prophets and religionists predicted worldwide destruction, and/or the return of Christ. As readers are presumably aware, neither event ensued.  This allowed humankind time to catch a breath or two before confronting a far more scientifically supportable problem: Aliens!

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Hawking, the Inscrutable

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TRUE FACT: Despite his countless commitments and intellectual undertakings, Dr. Hawking remains a lifelong fan of the original Mickey Mouse Club!

Indeed, no less an authority on absolutely everything than the ubiquitous Stephen Hawking once again cautioned earth’s inhabitants against “announcing our presence to any alien civilizations that might be out there, especially those that could be more technologically advanced.” If our radio telescopes finally document intelligent signals from some distant planet, Hawking advises “hang up!” because “Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”

earthvsdownloadWOOF understands that Stephen Hawking is far too intelligent for those of us hobbled by less stratified intellects to fully comprehend, but we are confessedly bollixed. First, we wish Dr. Hawking would explain whether we should continue crediting his concerns that AI (artificial intelligence) will shortly contrive to exterminate mankind, or whether these worries are now superannuated by threats of extraterrestrials following our radio transmissions here and invading, or whether these events are expected to occur simultaneously. Moreover, if contacting alien civilizations invites catastrophe, why is Dr. Hawking enthusiastically promoting his “Breakthrough: Starshot” initiative, which intends–suicidally, one might infer–to launch “nanocraft” packed with news about our planet in the direction of neighboring star systems?

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“No, moron! This is some Godforsaken place called Guanahani–so like I kept telling you, Fort Lauderdale’s that way!”

Also, we humbly implore Dr. Hawking to share whatever groundbreaking research he possesses linking “Native Americans” with Columbus. Until now, we thought it embarrassingly fatuous of American Indian activists to assemble each Columbus Day to bemoan the exploitation, rape, and murder of their ancestors by Columbus, mainly because Columbus never set foot in North America–indeed, the only “Indians” Columbus “discovered,” were inhabitants of the Bahamas, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic, none of whom, ironically, bothers protesting the fact.  But if Hawking can place Columbus in, say, Beaufort, or Port St. Lucie, we stand ready to rethink the entire matter!

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They’re here….

And who would know more about extraterrestrial life forms than a real live--well--recently alive--astronaut?

And who would know more about extraterrestrial life  than a real live–well–recently alive–astronaut?

Finally, it seems strange that so many scientists continue devoting their energies to intergalactic outreach when the aliens appear to be here already.  No less an authority than astronaut Edgar Mitchell, the sixth man to walk on the moon, unveiled the alien presence in 2009 when he told the National Press Club,”We are being visited. It is now time to put away this embargo of truth about the alien presence. I call upon our government to open up … and become a part of this planetary community.”  Obviously, the government wasn’t interested, but shortly before his death earlier this year, Dr. Mitchell revealed that,“ETs [have] been attempting to keep us from going to war and help create peace on Earth,” adding that ET is “the highest form of intelligence that works directly with God…and will not tolerate any form of military violence on the planet or in space.”  Admittedly, these assertions are difficult to square with the monumental levels of military violence engulfing our planet–but the aliens may not be infallible, after all.  Researcher Jenny Randles documents more than thirty cases of flying saucer crashes around the world in her book, UFO Retrievals: The Recovery of Alien Spacecraft,  so the aliens may be working out a few bugs in their own equipment.

Of course, after she spoke to Gort, it looked bad for Patricia Neal for a few minutes, but it all turned out okay and 20th Century Fox got its money shot.

Even after she spoke to Gort, it looked bad for Patricia Neal for a few minutes, but it all turned out okay and 20th Century Fox got its money shot.

The takeaway is that the aliens will protect us–at least as soon as they get their act together. They won’t allow nuclear war, and according to Mitchell they’ve already dropped in on the Pope and discussed world peace. So if all else fails, maybe they’ll save us from a second Clinton presidency— is that too much to expect from superior life forms?

How to vote on election day….

In closing, WOOF suggests that every patriot make a point of murmuring “Klaatu barada nikto” repeatedly as he or she enters the polling booth this November.  We aren’t really sure what it means, but when uttered by actress Patricia Neal in 1951’s The Day the Earth Stood Still, the phrase stopped Gort, a robot from space with powers of mass destruction, from laying waste to the entire country…so why shouldn’t it stop Hillary Clinton? Perhaps the aliens, hovering watchfully aboard their motherships, will respond to our appeal by humanely immobilizing the threat.  Gort was a lot tougher than Hillary, after all, plus he could walk around without falling over–so Hillary should be a cinch.  Otherwise, we may be filing WOOF’s next anniversary post from the Ecuadorian embassy in London.  Until then, fellow citizens…continue the mission! Stand your ground! Place your reliance in a just and righteous Providence…but brace for impact! WOOF PRINT 

Altogether now: KLatuu

Altogether now: “Klaatu barada nikto!” “Klaatu barada nikto!” “Klaatu barada nikto!”  (gasp!) “Klaatu barada nikto!””Klaatu barada nikto!”…louder…! “Klaatu barada nikto…”

WOOF Celebrates its 3rd Birthday, and, unavoidably, Halloween, both at the Same Time!

In "The horror...the horror!" forum on October 31, 2015 at 4:03 pm

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Yes, Woofketeers….it’s once again time to celebrate WOOF’s entrance upon the cyberspacial stage, which is merely to say, in a less self-absorbed context, that it is once again Halloween. As we remarked last year and the year before that, it just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first rather hesitant and shabbily configured web post on October 31, 2012…and so when we checked back and determined this fact, we realized we were born on Halloween. This seems thoroughly ironic, given that we are the least scary and most lovably good natured website in blogospheric history—but we are not the kind to let a coincidence go to waste. Perhaps you’ve noticed? So, we decided first of all to wish ourselves another happy birthday, and then to proceed to mull the seasonally-apt implications of the year gone by.

Put on your party hats!

Put on your party hats!

So, happy birthday to us, your dedicated and jovial band of troglodytic counter-revolutionaries bringing you the latest thoughts, observations and paranoiac suspicions from the outer fringes of the what John McCain calls the ‘Wackabird’ Right! Ensconced here in our secret cave on the shores of the fierce Atlantic, we spent our third year doing what we spent the first two doing– ducking drones and staving off commie cyber attacks while relentlessly mocking the endless cavalcade of morons in media, the farcical antics of those inside-the-beltway bezonians who govern us, and the never-ending stream of vulgarities gushing from Hollywood’s homogeneously liberal and embarrassingly vacuous glitterati.

We surged during years two and three, shooting from a dozen or so views daily all the way up to a few hundred on our really good days. But will these giddy numbers turn our heads? Never!  As we approach the terminus of year three we remain the same wonderfully modest, studiedly humble public servants who began massaging your eyeballs in October of 2012! True, it may be recalled that we predicted one year ago that “we will be so big by the end of year three (assuming the nation as a whole manages to make it that far), your kids will demand to wear WOOF-dog masks to trick or treat in—which will be kind of sad, come to think of it, because we don’t make WOOF dog masks…” and okay, we’ll be the first to admit the demand for dog masks has not materialized–which is arguably a good thing, because neither have the dog masks! But we don’t seek fame, glory, or thousands of clicks per hour–no no!

All we WOOFERS (Adina Kutnicki’s catchy phrase) seek is the opportunity to spend a fourth year pestering the Left and exhorting the Right in ways we hope you will continue to find entertaining and enlightening.  And this reminds us, we are asked from time to time by earnest seekers after truth, how much of our reportage is factual. It all is. Honest. We are not the ONION, and we are not entitled to our own facts.

The flukey award that begat a disingenuous caption--so okay, sometimes we kid you a little in the fine print.

The flukey award that begat a disingenuous caption–sometimes we kid you a little in the fine print. 

Sometimes we converse with fans who tell us that others whom they’ve encouraged to check us out complain that we “just make all that stuff up!”  But we don’t. Our interpretations and editorial assertions may be entirely off the wall, but we never misrepresent our research.  If we tell you, to pick one much-sullied datum, that none of the famous educationists cited by Common Core as influential in its formation had anything whatsoever to do with the formation of Common Core, we are not making it up– although for some reason a lot of folks didn’t believe us.

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CIA Director Tenet is really shown here giving communist spy Ana Helen Montes an award for excellence– really. And the award looks nothing like an inflated condom.

Another example of a TRUE FACT many readers suspected us of fabricating was the presentation of a special award for excellence by then-CIA Director Tenet to communist spy Ana Belen Montes. Here again, we are only reporting the facts.  Upon reflection, however, we admit a degree of editorial ambiguity in that instance, because the datum was reported as a picture caption, and sometimes we kid you a little in picture captions. As an example, we captioned a picture of Sandra Fluke receiving her Stand Up for Choice Award by pointing out that the award  comes in the shape of an inflated condom. Actually, the resemblance, while uncanny,  is coincidental, but some japes are too good to pass up. And this naturally brings us to our first traditional Halloween categories: namely:

THE THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE!

obama non-social studies lessonOnce again Common Core qualifies as a thing that will not die, so enthusiastically is it boosted and advanced by everyone from Jeb Bush to Bill Gates, and yet no amount of NEA propagandizing seems to proof it against the endless flow of outrages it generates. Sample: Tennesseans just discovered that their 7th graders are being brought into alignment with the new Common Core middle school criteria by being taught to write and recite that “Allah is the only god.”  This was part of a history assignment, by the way, although Common Core insists that it doesn’t teach history or social studies–just math and science…an assertion recently repeated on air by Megan Kelly. Gosh Megan, in the NEA’s own ten-point celebration of Common Core they rave that “it’s not about fiction vs. non-fiction reading. It’s about integrating them with other disciplines, like English and social studies,” so you see, you don’t have to call a subject history or social studies in order to debauch it, you just need more latitude (and more fiction) with which to do the debauching.  Meanwhile…Fox News (traditionally pro-Common Core and proclived to allege that its scope is restricted to math and science) recently acknowledged that “One of Common Core’s most glaring deficiencies is its handling of adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing numbers.”

Here, the superintendent of the white school district is seen celebrating with his staff! (Okay, see, we made that up--it's a scene from

Here, the superintendent of the white school district is seen celebrating with his staff! (Okay, see, we made that up–it’s mostly a scene from “Birth of a Nation”–but hey, that was fictional too!)

In Florida a Common Core worksheet laments that  “only schools in white districts got new texts. Schools in African American areas got old, damaged books,” which is explained as “fiction” which we noted above is now to be integrated with factual data while not teaching social studies. And then there’s all the creepy data wherein students are subjected to federally connected interrogations aimed at discovering their families’ health-care histories, earnings histories, religious  beliefs and affiliations, political party registration, and gun ownership. True, Common Core is coming under increased scrutiny and attack, but Obama’s outgoing education commissar Arne Duncan chalks any dissent up to white suburban moms who — all of a sudden — their child isn’t as brilliant as they thought they were, and their school isn’t quite as good as they thought they [sic] were.”  And yes, we also noticed that the last part doesn’t make sense, especially from Duncan’s eristic viewpoint, but nobody ever accused Arne Duncan of being particularly intelligent…he got his job because he supports the federal infiltration and dominance of American education–so it doesn’t really matter to anyone in the White House that he’s a clown.

Spooky clown sightings, redux!

evil-clownAnd speaking of clowns….see how we did that?….one of our favorite perennial categories is abloom again this autumn. Award-winning Chicago journalist Dave Savini reports that Chicago is overrun by clowns–the mysterious variety, that is.  Naturally, in Chicago it is a bit of challenge to keep the creepy clown sightings separated categorically from the average clown sightings. After all, we are dealing with a municipality that treats Rahm Emanuel and Anthony Weiner as serious human beings. Nevertheless, the creepy clown threat persists and must be taken seriously.

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Clowns in the Chicago vicinity are not all “spooky” in the strict sense. Left to right: Rahm Emanuel, known clown, Anthony Weiner, known clown, and an authentic spooky clown of unknown origins.

Example: Julia Graham and her husband were driving by the main gate of the historic Rosehill Cemetery when they were “freaked out” by an eerie figure, traipsing the grounds. “When we get closer, we realize it’s a clown, which is super weird,” Julia told CBS journalist Dave Savini. Initially, the clown seemed undeterred by the Grahams, waving slowly at the couple. But when they turned their high beams on, he turned and deftly scaled the 7-foot-high gate at the Ravenswood Avenue entrance—a feat of considerable virtuosity, especially in clown shoes! “I mean, this was somebody putting forth a lot of effort — and being really weird,” Graham told Savini.

As is so often the case, the impromptu snaps of the Rosehill Cemetery clown are blurry and ill-defined. Exhaustive examination has proved to WOOF's satisfaction that the image is authentic and not a hoax, a weather balloon,

As is so often the case in these matters, the Grahams’ impromptu snaps of the Rosehill Cemetery clown are blurry and ill-defined. Nevertheless, exhaustive examination has proved to WOOF’s satisfaction that the image is authentic and not a hoax, a weather balloon, or the planet Venus.

And Chicago isn’t the only place with a surfet of clowns. “Evil-looking” clowns have been terrorizing California City and Wasco, California this year.  Residents even report some clowns brandishing machetes or kitchen knives.  Thus far, however, the clown sightings do not appear to match the magnitude of 2014’s nationwide outbreak.

A very honest lady snapped this shot of Lizard Man as she was leaving church--the lady, that is.

A very honest lady snapped this shot of Lizard Man as she was leaving church–the lady, that is.

As if to compensate, and as though South Carolina weren’t having enough problems, the Palmetto State has been plagued this year with fresh sightings of Lizard Man, a strange reptilian creature who was first reported in 1988 hanging out near Scape Ore Swamp in Lee County.  Suddenly bevies of locals are again witnessing appearances by the “tall, dark figure that [has] a tail and appears to have scales,” as one witness described him. Like most anomalous creatures of local renown, Lizard Man leaves tracks and scratch marks, and plenty of sincere anecdotal testimony, but seems reluctant to pose for photos.  An exception occurred when a Sumpter woman managed to get a cellphone photo of the mysterious figure early in August. We think it looks like a “Gorn,” except it looks a lot more lifelike than the one James T. Kirk fought on Star Trek (season one, episode eighteen, 1967).

As the planet BURNS!

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IMF Chief LaGarde–not one to let an oven frier go to waste!

Perhaps you’ve noticed that amongst the elites there is a new favorite game, and that is a game of “reach!” You play “reach!” by seeing how far you can stretch whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing in order to somehow connect it with some liberal bumper-sticker cause, like global warming, so that you can talk about global warming instead of what you’re supposed to be doing. The most recent entrant (and a true champ by any reasonable standard) is the International Monetary Fund’s chief Christine LaGarde. LaGarde addressed the IMF conference in Lima, Peru on October 7th, inviting members to consider the excellent Peruvian poultry dishes on which they were dining in a new light, because, she insisted, failure to take urgent action on global warming would soon make oven roasters of them all! Apparently it is now the business of the IMF (which no longer stands for Impossible Mission Force, by the way, although that interpretation seems once again apposite) to halt global warming.

Although, when you think about it--the international monetary situation might be better managed by the original IMF--but we guess they've retired.

Although, when you think about it–the international monetary situation might be better managed by the original IMF–but we guess they’ve retired.

If the international monetary manipulators fail to take a firm stand against planetary pyrexia, LaGarde assured the diners they will soon meet the same fate as their entrees. But we cannot match the IMF chief’s eloquence, thus we offer her full quote to the effect that: “If we collectively chicken out of this we’ll all turn into chickens and we’ll all be fried, grilled, toasted and roasted.”  WOOF cannot resist noting that chief LaGarde here missed an opportunity to call “deniers” dumb clucks, which omission we are willing to ascribe to her benevolent nature. And in case you don’t think this merits mention in our Halloween sampler for this year, how’s this for scary? LaGarde yielded the podium to World Bank President Jim Yong Kim, and the World Bank’s very own “climate talks executive secretary” Christiana Figueres, followed swiftly by the scariest thing imaginable if you ask us, and that’s an economist who specializes in climate change, none other than Nicholas Stern.

Fortunately, as swift action is clearly  the order of the day, all speakers agreed firmly on what steps need be taken to circumvent global conflagration.  In case you haven’t already guessed, the steps include removing all subsidies on fossil fuels and imposing massive international carbon taxes. Realists to the core, the speakers acknowledged these measures could prove difficult to impose universally. “We have been trying to help countries remove fuel subsidies,” said Jim Kim, but the World Bank president admitted that the resultant spikes in fuel prices might conduce toward some degree of public disaffection, adding: “Politicians don’t like it when taxi drivers and truck drivers block the streets.”  Nicholas Stern might have jumped in here to remark that economies don’t like it either, but why dampen the mood?

Duly conscious of her added responsibilities as a climatolgist, IMF honcho Lagarde frequently checks to see if her hair is on fire yet.

Duly conscious of her added responsibilities as a climatologist, IMF honcho LaGarde frequently checks to see if her hair is on fire.

The Angsty Red Planet!

By far the best played hand of “reach!” to date, at least insofar as global warming is concerned, is what Robert Ludlum might call the Martian Exemplar.  This effort emanated from NASA, long signatory to the “settled science” of “climate change,” which announced in September that “for three Mars summers in a row, deposits of frozen carbon dioxide near Mars’ south pole have shrunk from the previous year’s size, suggesting a climate change in progress.” Now, bearing in mind that a Martian year is approximately twice as long as an Earth year, this means NASA has observed shrinking Martian polar caps for around six Earth years. Furthermore, the principal analyst of imagery from the Mars Orbiter Camera, Michael Malin, opines that Mars’s “polar ice cap is shrinking at a prodigious rate.”

The NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory recently released this photo of

The NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory recently released this photo from the Curiosity Rover showing a Martian woman whose lightly clad form bespeaks an ever-more humid environment. 

Our all-time favorite Martian anomaly is the happy-face photo from Mars's region!

Our all-time favorite Martian anomaly is this smiley-face photo of the planet’s Nereidum Montes region.  Apparently the Martians’ hearts are as warm as their climate!

Needless to say, the initial reaction from “warmists” was wildly enthusiastic. Here was evidence that our neighboring planet had fallen victim to precisely those forces that President Obama, Albert Gore, the IMF, the World Bank, Cher, and NASA were battling on our home planet–could we not see the writing on the cosmic wall? But the Left’s initial lurch toward the Martian Exemplar ground to a sudden halt, and readers may have noticed the topic all but abandoned by the usual suspects. After all, even the most dimwitted constituent of the cause can be expected to scratch his head for a moment and wonder aloud, “So how did  that happen?” Nobody on Mars is driving SUVs, operating coal-burning power plants or running air conditioning units. and while NASA footage has been said to reveal everything from Martian lizards to a Martian Bigfoot and even the above-depicted Martian lady out for a stroll, so far no flatulent cattle have been discovered. In other words, if Mars is heating up, it must have to do with problems other than man-made climate disruption, and since man-made climate disruption is canonical to the climatological Left, Mars turns out to be a bit of a problem.  Worse, an astronomical observatory in Russia (where they just never seem to get on board with any of our young President’s governing delusions) declared that, “the Mars data is evidence that the current global warming on Earth is being caused by changes in the sun.”  Thus, the proponents of Martian equivalency performed a hasty volte face and the topic is now primarily the province of right-wing opinionists who delight in pointing out the obvious, namely that warming, if it occurs at all, is the result of factors other than capitalism.

Mars to become habitable!

The Mars Rover also snapped this pic of Bigfoot strolling in the vicinity of

The Mars Rover also snapped this pic of Bigfoot strolling the  rim of the Gusev crater. But we bet it’s just a guy in a costume.

On the bright side, the rate at which Mars is now perceived to be warming could make it the perfect tourist spot in years to come. Michael Caplinger of San Diego’s Malin Space Science Systems suggests that “Mars could become a nearly inhabitable place for people within 5,000 years or so. Rather than wearing a spacesuit, you could get away with wearing just an oxygen mask and a thick parka.”  And those of us who regret the dismissal from the public forum of the red planet’s heat wave and remain hopeful that evidence may soon emerge that a vast civilization of coal-burning, cow herding, truck driving Martians once thrived on that planet, only to exterminate itself by ignoring the effects of its greenhouse gas emissions, can take some comfort in a recent discovery that space aliens are indeed focused on the problem, and that Al Gore is alert to their machinations!

Aliens promote global warming!

220px-Robert_Sheaffer

Robert Sheaffer–fun skeptic.

Robert Sheaffer is that rarest of a breeds: a UFO debunker who is also fun. In his capacity as a reporter for the Skeptical Inquirer Sheaffer recently returned from the annual International UFO Congress with a pamphlet bearing evidence that Aliens are waiting for global warming to sufficiently heat our world before taking it over–the warmer planets being, evidently, more to their taste.  The pamphlet asks “Why are we helping them heat our planet?” and urges concerned earthlings to repel the alien invaders by finding out “more from Al Gore’s ClimateRealityProject.org.” So apparently Al is alert to the situation.

See? We didn't make this up, either! In fact, as an exercise in bipartisanship, we strongly urge readers to contact Al Gore about the alien invasion problem--while there's still time!

See? We didn’t make this up, either! In fact, as an exercise in bipartisanship, we strongly urge readers to contact Al Gore about the alien invasion problem–while there’s still time!

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This year’s STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES  award…

ufo muslims

Muslims are vanishing into thin air all over Europe. Pamela Geller broke the story this week and German media are confirming that one out of every two refugees in Germany’s camps for middle easterners is simply gone! And to make matters worse, the United Nations is offering to help locate them,  The UN is actually seizing this opportunity to promote its sinister “universal” identification system” with which they intend to plant biometric identification chips in the hand of every world citizen. So why not simply call it “The Mark of the Beast Initiative?”

At least 580 refugees initially disappeared from Camp Shelterschlefe, but Geller notes that in a “terrible new twist,” the disappearances are spreading. “It’s become an epidemic,” Geller writes, adding that “7,000 migrants have left the Brandenburg shelters. Where are they going? Who is sheltering these illegals, many with ties to ISIS?”

Die Welt corroborates Geller’s point, noting that thousands of refugees have left their assigned accommodations in other areas. “They are simply not there anymore,” the paper exclaims. The German news outlet Faz.net says at least 700 more Muslims disappeared from emergency accommodations in Lower Saxony. And in Austria, where it is legal to procure rifles and shotguns, these too appear to be vanishing–from store shelves!  (On a reassuring note, the guns appear to be leaving in the hands of paying citizens disquieted by the hordes of missing Muslims.)

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Meet this year’s TRICK or TREAT winner!

shukla

Professor Jagadish Shukla. this year’s “trick or treat” winner!

And on approximately the same subject, this year’s trick-or-treat award easily goes to George Mason University’s professor of Atmospheric and Earth Sciences, Jagadish Shukla. Shukla is the global-warming academic who recently recommended that the federal government prosecute global warming deniers by using the RICO statute to come after companies like Exxon, which, Shukla explained, intentionally misled public opinion about how seriously the planet is overheating. Shukla was not able to provide evidence of any collusion or of any misleading (or really of any global warming, come to think of it) but he got a lot of press suggesting that America scrap the first amendment where the planet’s safety is concerned and prosecute the flat earthers. Good trick, Professor Shukla!

Mrs Shukla--doing okay too!

Mrs. Shukla–doing okay too!

The treat turns out to be that Professor Shukla made a cool (sorry) $500 thousand last year channeling government science grants into his own pocket through his non-profit, not to mention $330 thousand in regular salary from his personal creation, The Institute of Global Environment and Society. Catchy, we think. It will not surprise Woofketeers to learn that 90% of the IGES’s revenue emanates from government funds. Oh, and Shukla’s wife is doing well, too. She scored $166 thousand from the same group this year for—well—maybe for not owning an SUV?  Meanwhile, the professor earned an additional $250 thousand as his salary from George Mason, where he is naturally much admired.

iges

We guess just calling it “Cash Cow” would’ve been kind of tawdry.

In fact, NASA, NOAA and the National Science Foundation have sunk $29 million into projects featuring Shukla as the principle investigator over recent years, and funded Shukla’s immensely profitable non-profit with an additional $12 million more dollars, but all in a good cause, to be sure. Oddly, shortly after insisting that nothing untoward had occurred in any of these regards, Shukla’s IGES yanked his letter recommending the prosecution of global warming deniers, explaining that, “the letter that was inadvertently posted on this web site has been removed.” And biggest shocker of all: “It was decided more than two years ago that the Institute of Global Environment and Society (IGES) would be dissolved when the projects then undertaken by IGES would be completed. ”  The site goes on to explain that since “all research projects by IGES were completed in July 2015…the IGES web site is in the process of being decommissioned.” Gosh, and just when business was heating up! (Sorry!)

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FIRST ANNUAL COLANDER OF DOOM AWARD!

bride of the monster

Ever a popular item in science fiction thrillers whenever the brain is manipulated, the humble kitchen colander was nowhere put to such dramatic and memorable effect as in Ed Wood’s “Bride of the Monster!”

If you find yourself believing in God, then you happen to fall in line with 9 out of 10 Americans regarding the existence of a Deity—but don’t worry, we can fix that! If you happen to be of the view that illegal immigration is deracinating the American experiment and represents a malevolent attempt by an America-loathing president and his Marxist minions to hand control of the Republic over to an utterly unvetted swarm of criminals, mendicants, and psychos who will seize the right to vote and destabilize the nation, than rest easy—your irrational bigotry can now be fixed electronically!  That’s right–your attitudes towards God and immigrants can be changed by beaming magnetic waves into your poor twisted brain!

Dr. Izuma, inventor of the neural-liberalizer. So, is there a Nobel Prize for shutting peoples brains off?

Dr. Izuma, inventor of the neural-liberalizer. So, is there a Nobel Prize for shutting peoples brains off?

A bizarre experiment seems to turn Christians into instant agnostics and citizens concerned about lax border security into cheerleaders for La Rasa! Are you still bitterly clinging to your God and your historically Judeo-Christian culture, Bunky? Well, get over your bad self! Help is at hand!  Yes, Dr Keise Izuma of the University of York, in the United Kingdom is pleased to report that placing a large electromagnetic coil on the sufferer’s head and ramping up electric currents that stimulate the nerve cells in the region of the brain’s prefrontal cortex (which controls moods)  seems to “resolve ideological problems.” Of course, by “resolves problems” he actually mean to say “turns people liberal.”  The key to this modern miracle is a little something Dr. Izuma likes to call transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) which seems to shut off certain groups of neurones in the brains of volunteers.

“I see things more clearly now, Jim! Klingons are warm, fuzzy and lovable–I want to hug one!”

And efficacies? Belief in God was reduced by a third! “As expected, we found that when we experimentally turned down the posterior medial frontal cortex, people were less inclined to reach for comforting religious ideas despite having been reminded of death,” chirruped project co-director Dr. Colin Holbrook. As ice cream atop the pie, subjects’ resistance to being flooded with immigrants dropped by a statistically impressive 28.5 percent, although Holbrook doesn’t say whether this represents a natural correlation to a reduced fear of death.

burton

“Gadzooks, Miss Blair, the exorcism failed! Fortunately however, I no longer believe in the devil!”

But it gets even better! American subjects were shown two essays written by recently arrived immigrants, one harshly critical of the United States and one highly flattering. As might be expected, even today, the majority of the American participants were initially offended by the diatribe against their country, but after just one episode of transcranial magnetic stimulation, the Americans began to like the critical essay a lot more.  So what more need we say about this wondrous phenomenon of modern science, Woofketeers? Except that throughout the history of modern totalitarianism the same effect (the general effect of rendering believers in God and exceptional cultural identity less troublesome) has been produced more humanely and lastingly with the traditional 9mm bullet behind the ear—so do we really need the TSM device? We invite you to consider the real advantage here, Woofketeers, from the standpoint of the Left, which is that survivors of the TSM treatment can continue voting, whereas dead people cannot, except in several traditional swing states where the practice is said to be widespread—but that’s another story entirely!

Postscript: A Woofette entered the cave as we were placing this portion of the Halloween birthday post into the copy, and one of us remarked to her, “Hey, they have a brain machine that’ll turn people liberal!” to which she replied, “I know, it’s called college!”

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This year’s PURPLE PENGUIN AWARD is a no-brainer!

purple-penguin-final

Last Halloween we reported the attack of the “purple penguins” when school officials in Lincoln, Nebraska decided to forbid sexual identities among their pupils by classifying everyone as a purple penguin rather than a boy or a girl–brilliant, huh! Anyway, in a similar vein, Connecticut school children may have to do without Halloween altogether now that the Milford school district has banned the traditional Halloween school parades and the wearing of costumes. Why? Well, the Halloween parades were banned “for fear they would exclude kids who didn’t want to take part in the celebration.” (We did not make up that quote.)

joel

Last year’s winner and advocate of the purple penguin concept: School Superintendent Steve Joel.

“…definitely not alienated…”

Imagine how terrible it would be, after all, if students who didn’t want to participate in Halloween events were caused to feel discriminated against because they didn’t get to participate. Some problems just scream liberalism, and this is one such.  According to Jim Richetelli, chief operations officer for the Milford Public Schools, “Milford Public Schools do have many children from diverse beliefs, cultures and religions; the goal is for all children to feel comfortable and definitely not alienated when they come to school.” Unless they wanted to have a Halloween parade, that is.  And WOOF is frankly puzzled that Wiccans have not raised a vociferous protest here. Longtime readers may recall that WOOF has come to the defense of this disparaged minority on previous occasions of liberal abuse (click here for an example) and we hereby award Chief Operations Officer Richetelli the not-particularly-coveted PURPLE PENGUIN AWARD for 2015, as he follows in the august footsteps of no less a person than Lincoln Nebraska’s School Superintendent Steve Joel (who declared himself “happy and pleased”with the forcible recasting of formerly male or female school children as non-gendered “purple penguins” back in 2014).

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Breaking News Flash!

This year's recipient--not in costume.

This year’s recipient–not in costume.

In breaking news, the Milford School district, bombarded with criticism and petitions demanding the reinstatement of Halloween have caved in to the vox populi. They have also issued a veritable blizzard of official declarations and statements insisting that they never cancelled Halloween to begin with, and the eagle-eyed staff at Snopes (two liberals in a trailer, but you probably knew that) are now more or less underwriting this dreck.  The masochistically inclined are encouraged to review the Snopes whitewash here.  The rest of us fondly remember the winner from last year, School Superintendent Steve Joel,  a man with the guts to stick with stupid, whereas this year’s winner, Jim Richetelli, now insists that there was never any effort to halt Halloween, even telling the New Haven Register that the ban not only didn’t happen, but also that he “had no direct knowledge of it” while it wasn’t happening. C’mon, show a little backbone, Jim! We’re letting you hang onto the award because we’re just nice is all!

HONORABLE MENTION!

TRUE FACT: William F. Buckley Jr. loved peanut butter! Coincidence? We think not.

TRUE FACT: William F. Buckley Jr. loved peanut butter! Coincidence? We think not.

Runner up for the Purple Penguin award is a woman whose crusade inaugurated a completely original field of study, namely the sociology of culinary racialism. Moreover, this unsung heroine of the culture wars managed to win mention in not one, but two areas of achievement. We must travel to Portland, Oregon, to discover the originator of these cutting-edge initiatives, one Verenice Gutierrez,  principal of the Harvey Scott K-8 elementary school. And if you make a pilgrimage thither, beloved reader, do not ask for a peanut butter sandwich at the cafeteria, lest you be nailed for a hate crime! Whilst other schools in America proceed blindly to provide this oppressively micro-aggressive cuisine, Ms. Guitierrez has seen through the peanut-butter conspiracy and denounced this classically American fare as “probably racist.” After all, she points out, “what about Somali or Hispanic students, who might not eat sandwiches?…Let them tell you. Maybe they eat torta. Or pita.”

pbj 1

Principal Verenice Gutierrez takes a stand!

Still more impressive: Principal Gutierrez is also establishing a record by simultaneously winning WOOF’s third place nomination for the Purple Penguin Award, this time for her segregated drumming classes offered to Black and Hispanic students only—all of whom must be boys. When the routinely servile Portland Tribune went so far as to inquire about the propinquity of such strictures, Principal Gutierrez retorted: “When white people do it, it is not a problem, but if it’s for kids of color, then it’s a problem? Break it down for me. That’s your white privilege, and your whiteness.”

Confronted with such pellucid reasoning, the Tribune was struck dumb. Meanwhile, we at WOOF are combing the nation to discover where exactly are held drumming classes for Whites only—the truth is out there.

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There HAVE been SIGNS!

And then there's Barrack meeting the Pope and growing horns. Coincidence? We think not!

Here’s just one of several camera angles in which Barack, upon meeting the Pope, grows horns. Coincidence? We think not!

An unusual amount of evidence has been amassed this year suggesting that something cataclysmic is about to occur–or maybe that it already has. Our young president, for instance,  continues to be hounded by indications of demonological involvement.  There is no doubt that Mr. Obama has been routinely surrounded by portents of a demonic nature, beginning with his inability to avoid flies, many of which seem to lite on his face with  almost preternatural frequency.  Then there was that period during which he was buzzed by bees on several occasions, even to the extent that the yearly Easter egg roll was threatened by a swarm. Rodents were video-taped scampering across his presidential podium, and on one occasion the presidential seal simply fell off.
obama fly one

This year, while visiting his optional homeland of Kenya on July 25th,  Mr. Obama paused to lecture a group of government leaders in Nairobi regarding the importance of Gay rights despite their polite request that he omit the subject from his remarks. But it wasn’t until he began joking about a possible third term as president that some insist a demon ran in front of him and created a blur on the video feed.  A video engineer who talked to WorldNewsDaily told them: “The image does look like some type of other-worldly being, but I’m sure everyone’s own imagination will conjure up what they would like it to be.”  Actually, we’re pretty much okay with “other-worldly being,” although spoilsport secularists have, of course, offered a variety of mundane explanations insufficiently entertaining to enumerate here.

A still from the video tape. Apparently demons look a lot more impressive in person.

A still from the Kenyan video tape. Apparently demons look a lot more impressive in person.

WOOF’s annual DOOMSDAY prediction!

worlds collideOkay, if you’re reading this, you are probably safe. Not that reading WOOF keeps you safe from doom and destruction—we haven’t got that kind of pull. But the latest forecast of the end of the world was issued by frantic bloggers following NASA’s announcement that an asteroid is due to pass Earth at a speed of 78,000 mph missing us by a mere 498,896 km, which is commie talk for about 310,000 miles. Alarming to many doomsayers is the fact that NASA discovered this asteroid only two weeks prior to its predicted fly-by because,”The asteroid is on an extremely eccentric and a high inclination orbit.”  High inclination orbits are evidently pesky to spot, and the blogosphere is understandably concerned that NASA, which famously crashed a Mars vehicle into the Martian surface because it forgot to perform a basic metric conversion, may have messed up these calculations too—or may simply be hiding the terrible truth to keep us calm on the eve of destruction.  Nonsense! WOOF fearlessly predicts that the asteroid will miss Earth just as NASA suggests. And like we said, if you’re reading this, it already missed us—and if it actually hit us…our prediction won’t require a retraction, now, will it!

NEWS UPDATE: Okay, as of October 31st it turns out the asteroid is not an asteroid! The US space agency’s Infrared Telescope Facility (IRTF) on Mauna Kea, Hawaii, has presuaded NASA that “the celestial object is more than likely a dead comet that has shed its volatiles after numerous passes around the sun.” Scientists also agree that “an eerie skull-like resemblance” is noticeable on the face of the rock. Coincidence? Judge for yourselves, gentle readers!

Boo!

Boo!

The return of NIBIRU!

Nibiru versus Earth!

Nibiru versus Earth!

Apropos of collisions with earth: We thought we’d persuaded everybody to stop worrying about “planet X” otherwise known as Nibiru, back in December of 2012 when it failed to materialize and destroy earth exactly as we said it wouldn’t. But apparently not everybody believed us. Back then we explained “the whole theory of Nibiru [supposedly a rogue planet in a long elliptical orbit passing near earth every 3,600 years] is derived from the works of the late Zecharia Sitchin and his semi-famous interpretations of Babylonian and Sumerian mythology, and the problem with believing this is that a) it was mythologyhello? And b) Sitchin himself denied any connection between his work and various claims of an impending apocalypse” and we figured that would settle the matter, especially when Nibiru failed to sideswipe us as predicted in 2012. But no, a couple of weeks ago, one Melissa Huffman took video of a brightly gleaming light source in the Florida sky while remarking, ‘Just look at that planet beaming and shining right now, somebody tells me what it is!’  The video indeed shows a brightly glowing disc below the setting sun, thus Nibiru’s fan base has re-emerged posting comments like “’It’s definitely Nibiru” and “Me and many folk with me have been waiting for this to show up for years. Ancient records state that once The Destroyer is ‘visible to the world’, we have 40 days to prepare!” But nobody need bother, really.

planet x

NASA has explained that  ‘Nibiru and other stories about wayward planets are an internet hoax,’ adding ‘Obviously, it does not exist.’  WOOF concurs. Despite its existence having been denied by NASA, Nibiru nevertheless does not exist. The mysterious object in Huffman’s video has been explained as a mirage caused by ice particles in the atmosphere reflecting the sun, although we think it is more probably a garden variety UFO mother ship. In either case, no impending collision is likely.

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Halloween WITCH HUNT update!

The accused.

The accused.

There are relatively few newsworthy witch hunts going on this October, except for the annual media quest to locate professing practitioners of the dark arts and interview them for Halloween-themed programs.  But one odd event stands out.  Only last month the United States Air Force convened a tribunal to hear the case of an Air Force dental technician from the Epes Dental Clinic at Fort Meade, who was allegedly fired for “practicing witchcraft and bringing demons into the office,” to which certain “devout Christians” apparently objected. Michael Weinstein of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation announced that the accused witch, Deborah Schoenfield, was subjected to “horrid harassment” by coworkers who in turn insisted she was engaged in satanic practices. Less recently, Mr. Weinstein also pronounced it “horrid” that Air Force recruiters were allegedly quoting Jesus to potential enlistees. Perhaps at that time he was not yet an advocate of Military Religious Freedom. As for Deborah Schoenfield, the Air Force says she was actually fired for “using profanity,” but that doesn’t seem particularly unmilitary. WOOF finds the Air Force’s treatment of Schoenfield all the more perplexing juxtaposed to its expansion of the Air Force academy’s worship facilities in Colorado Springs to include an $80,000 outdoor “henge” for followers of alternative religions, including “Wiccans, druids, witches, and followers of similar belief systems…”

Fire pit featured by the expanded Air Force Academy worship center.

Pagan fire pit feature at the expanded Air Force Academy worship center.

The point, says Chaplain Maj. Darren Duncan – is that “we’re here to accommodate all religions, period. We think we are setting the standard.”  WOOF has inquired twice as to whether human sacrifices of the Celtic or Incan variety, and/or the pagan “Great Rite” (traditionally involving sexual intercourse and orgasm) will be occurring in conformity with the Academy’s newly enunciated standard, and whether seating will be available for the ecumenically curious—but so far no response.

Come to think of it, the Hindu goddess Kali requires human sacrifice, too! But no evidence suggests that any such practices occurred at the Epes Dental Center in Maryland!

Come to think of it, the Hindu goddess Kali requires human sacrifice, too! But no evidence suggests that any such practices occurred at the Epes Dental Center in Maryland!

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And talking about the weather….

secret imagesWhile on the subject of Pagan Festivals and government, allow us to remind you that 2015 marked the second convening of Iceland’s Secret Solstice, “an annual three-day outdoor international music festival” held entirely in daylight (because the sun doesn’t set at this time of year in Reykjavik). Did you miss it this year? Obviously there is nothing particularly secret about “Secret Solstice” and the organizers want it to become even less secret, and good weather is vital in promoting success. But why is the British Government ostensibly assisting in ensuring sunshine? The Icelandic magazine Visir insists that British scientists arrived in Reykjavik “with a machine that reportedly keeps the weather temporarily sunny and dry, and it was used for the Secret Solstice festival.”

Wilhelm Reich trains his orgone-powered cloudbuster on an intrusive UFO in Rangeley Maine.

Doctor Wilhelm Reich trains his orgone-powered “cloudbuster”on an intrusive UFO threatening Rangeley, Maine.

Visir insists that this is the second year these scientists showed up “with the express purpose of ensuring good weather at the festival.” Festival organizer Jakob FrímannMagnusson initially refused to comment on the matter, so we figured it had to be true. Speculation rages as to the nature of the British weather machine, with many claiming it is a version of Wilhelm Reich’s “cloudbuster.” The late Dr. Reich originally intended the machine to harness “cosmic orgone energy” for the dispersal of rain clouds—although he later discovered it also shot down UFOs, which he detailed in letters to the United States Air Force and in his 1957 book Contact with Space. WOOF is not making this up.

teslaOther theorists are holding out for Nicola Tesla’s method of generating electromagnetic transmissions to neutralize unpleasant weather over a radius of about one mile. Concert organizer Magnusson finally cracked under pressure and admitted that UK technology was indeed employed to produce perfect weather, insisting “the method has existed for years,” and, of  course, assuring reporters that “It’s a simple and environmentally friendly technique with no long-term effects.”  But that’s what they said about Agent Orange, isn’t it?  Nobody, by the way, has explained why Britain is deploying this technology to help festival goers enjoy a “secret” solstice in Iceland—but WOOF continues to investigate!

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Speaking of GOOGLE and the annihilation of humankind….

To be clear: Artificial Intelligence is used here as a synonym for cognitive technologies. It does not refer to Mrs. Clinton, Joe Biden, President Obama, or any others the liberal media often artificially imbue with the trait of intellectual superiority.

To be clear: Artificial Intelligence is used here as a synonym for pseudo-cognitive technologies. It does not refer to Mrs. Clinton, Joe Biden, President Obama, or any other Democrats whom the liberal media often artificially imbue with the trait of intelligence.

WOOF feels constrained to admit that in the battle to save us from death by artificial intelligence (hereinafter referred to as AI), the good folks at Google seem to be in the vanguard.  An “ethics board” has been established by Google to make certain none of the search giant’s technicians accidentally permits AI to enslaves us, or worse—renders the human race prey to AI’s supposed genocidal impulses.

hal imagesEven as Google joins forces with the British tech firm DeepMinds in pursuit of computers that think more like humans (can that be good?) warnings abound from both organizations that artificial intelligence is the ‘number one risk for this century.” DeepMinds founder, Shane Legg, went on record cheerily predicting that “Eventually, I think human extinction will probably occur, and technology will likely play a part in this.”  Well, anything for progress.

2001 terminatiuon sign

While many of us worry that nuclear-enabled Iranians, for instance, may blast Israel off the map while farming out additional warheads to their terrorist compatriots for detonation in the West, the more advanced thinkers at Google are focused on the rise of the robots, so to speak. Google formed its ethics board in the certainty that AI poses the “number one risk for this century.” Can this be so? Apparently AI is even more dangerous than global warming, college rape culture, and the NRA put together!

Dr. Hawking does look pretty worried, we think!

Dr. Hawking does look pretty worried, we think!

It may be recalled that WOOF reported last October that Elon Musk of the Tesla Corporation was more or less giggled off the stage while warning that AI would exterminate mankind, but he is now joined by Google, DeepMinds and the ubiquitous Stephen Hawking who took time away from cautioning us against contacting extraterrestrials long enough to place his signature on a letter from “leading experts” complaining that AI will ultimately doom our species (if the ETs don’t get us first, presumably). Professor Hawking repeated his concerns in the journal Science where he averred that AI could wipe us out if permitted to proceed unregulated, but added, “I’m not aware of any large movement calling for regulation either inside or outside AI, because we don’t know how to write such a regulation.” So there’s your problem!

ZOMBIE apocalypse averted!

It turns out that photos of actual zombies are extremely scarce. This is the only one WOOF could verify.

It turns out that photos of actual zombies are extremely scarce. This is the only one WOOF could verify.

One Christopher Paquin, 23, was beaten to death only this month by his friend, Damon Perry, 23, in Grants, New Mexico after Mr. Perry perceived that Mr. Paquin was turning into a zombie. Responding officers stated that when they arrived at the scene Perry was brandishing a knife and explained that while binge viewing The Walking Dead on television, Paquin became a zombie and began to attack him and bite him. Frightened for his person, Mr. Perry was able to subdue Mr. Paquin by hitting him over the head several times with a guitar, and then once with a microwave. Sadly, Mr, Paquin was pronounced dead at the scene. Police have not volunteered any information as to the likelihood that Mr. Perry, having been bitten, may also become a zombie, or what will be done with him in that event. Fans of the Walking Dead series assure WOOF that microwaves have never been used to assault zombies on the show—but apparently they are effective, as Mr. Paquin remains dead.

WOOKIES going to the DARK SIDE?

Wookie arrested by Ukrainian police on election day!

“Atica! Attica!”  Ukrainian police subdue Chewy.

The well known Wookie, Chewbacca, who rose to popularity as the result of his role in the original Star Wars movie in which he appeared as himself, was arrested this week in the city of Odessa in the Ukraine and charged with electioneering. Apparently Mr. Chewbacca was campaigning on behalf of his candidate (Darth Vader) on the day of an election—which is contrary to Ukrainian law.  The somewhat disheveled Wookie was subdued by officers and escorted to a nearby courtroom where he was fined the equivalent of $7.50.  Sadly, the once highly-paid motion picture personality could not produce the funds, claiming that his savings are stored in an intergalactic bank with no branches on this planet. Mr. Chewbacca did not explain what led him to devote his efforts to electing Mr. Vader, whose Dark Side party has long been at odds with Wookies politically.

EVOLUTION marches on!

c5d1ff0d9684c66f5ba498a09263d51eIt turns out Carlos Danger isn’t the only Weiner bearing some semblance to homo sapiens!  As evolutionary science reels from the discovery that humans are not, after all, descended from Neanderthals (except to the extent that some hanky panky appears to have occasionally  conjoined the two species) and with many of us still numb to epochal evolutionary claims since the 1953 admission that Piltdown Man was not the missing link after all, but rather a clumsy hodgepodge of orangutan and  human cranial components somehow foisted on the scientific community even before the advent of Krazy Glue— the demand that DNA verification accompany all claims of interrelatedness with mankind has become an anthropological sin qua non.  Readers may rest assured, therefore, that WOOF has made every effort to certify the authenticity of evidence recently adduced by scientists in Menlo Park, California, and the facts are inescapable.

Piltownn Man in happier days.

Piltdown Man in happier days.

Much of the information uncovered by the researchers was mundane.  Readers will not be surprised to learn that some hot dogs labeled pork-free were found to contain pork –a Levitical faux pas to be sure, but hardly shocking.   Other brands failed to fully enumerate the varieties of meat comprising the product, but again, this is hardly astonishing.  The bombshell came further down in the study. Unbelievable as it may seem, two percent of the tested hot dogs contained “substantial amounts” of human DNA!  Join us, beloved readers, in contemplating the implications! Can it be possible that hot dogs are related to, or even the progenitors of modern man? Does the hot dog/homo erectus link represent a per saltum leap in evolution artificially induced through genetic manipulation by space aliens? Is eating a hot dog containing human DNA an act of cannibalism?  WOOF will pursue these possibilities relentlessly, rest assured. Meanwhile, because we care, the weenies that tested purest included all kosher brands, Oscar Mayer’s Premium Jumbo Beef Franks,  and all Butterball products.  Bon appetite!

Aliens from Space Award

aliens among us!And now, our yearly examination of the alien situation—meaning space aliens, not the ones being imported by the Administration. Last month a team led by Tabetha Suzanne Boyajian, an astronomer and post-doctoral fellow at Yale, published a report about a mysterious star 1,481 light-years from Earth.

Dr. Boyajian after whom the mysterious object has been christened “Tabby’s Star.”

The star in question is KIC 8462852, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that the Kepler space telescope shows the star’s light decreases up to 20% as the result of the orbit of a “vast object” that cannot be a star because it doesn’t emit light, and cannot be a planet because its orbit precludes that possibility. So what is it? Aliens!

Aliens should always be the very last hypothesis you consider, but this looked like something you would expect an alien civilization to build,” said Jason Wright, an astrophysicist from Pennsylvania State University. Wright has suggested that an alien civilization is responsible for the object, which he thinks may be a Dyson sphere—an artificial structure that would theoretically harness a star’s energy for use by an advanced civilization.

Rest assured, readers, that Tabby Boyajian and her loyal team of astronomers are on this case and we will bring you updates as they occur. Meanwhile, please disregard the Internet chatter to the effect that our government already knows about this alien civilization and has already established contact with them. That’s ridiculous. Experts uniformly agree that any government revelation of contact with space aliens would devastate our religious beliefs, send the economy into a tailspin, and erase any semblance of respect for law and order. In other words, if it were true, President Obama would definitely have told us! WOOF PRINT

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president astronaut

WOOF’s Second Anniversary HALLOWEEN Review: The Scariest Events of 2014

In "The horror...the horror!" forum on October 31, 2014 at 11:41 pm

Happy-Halloween

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY TO US!

To repeat our opening remarks from last October’s anniversary post: It just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first Internet story on October 31, 2012…so when we checked back and determined this fact, we realized we were born on Halloween. So happy second birthday and/or anniversary to us, your jovial band of troglodytic counter-revolutionaries here at Watchdogs of Our Freedom, your lonely sentries at the farthest fringe of what John McCain calls the “wackabird” Right,  stubbornly ensconced in our secret cave on the shores of the fierce Atlantic, now entering our third year of blogging for America!  So, in keeping with the Halloween spirit, let us proceed to examine this year’s assortment of genuinely scary news events and eerily perplexing phenomena tidily packaged and submitted for your approval, as Rod Serling would say, by us, the haunted men and women of WOOF!

Mayans intentionally raised their children to have crossed eyes--so how correctly predicting doomsday would be a toughie, right?

Mayans intentionally raised their children to be crossed eyed–so  correctly predicting doomsday would be a toughie, right?

Of course, nothing this year has so wondrously united the boobwasie in clammy expectation of impending doom as the Great Mayan Calendar Scare of 2012AD, a mass hysteria that we documented and made fun of even as the fatal hour ostensibly drew nigh. Long-time woofketeers may recall our article, while novitiates may review it, if they wish, by clicking here. Sadly, no unifying theme of planetary destruction has engulfed us this year–a year in which even the gothic scientism called “Climate Change,” (formerly known as Global Warming, and briefly redenominated “Climate Disruption” by those sparky phraseologists on the National Climate Assessment Board), seems to be less serviceable in galvanizing the masses.  Ted Turner tried to stoke the climatological fires, telling us. “I’d say the chances are 50-50 that humanity will be extinct or nearly extinct within 50 years,” adding, “….I mean, this global warming is scaring the living daylights out of me!”

“With ridiculous speed!”

Sadly, WOOF's enquiries to costume shops reveal that Al Gore masks are no longer a requested item. Sic transit gloria mundi, we guess.

Sadly, WOOF’s  calls to costume shops revealed that Al Gore masks are no longer a requested Halloween item. Sic transit gloria mundi, we guess.

And Al Gore has remained resolute even though every city in which he makes a speech on the subject is immediately inundated by record snowfall. WOOF has sensibly pointed out that we are actually closer to a new ice age than a fiery demise, and recommended simply doing everything the hot-earthers rant against in order to maintain equilibrium–you know, drive SUVs, run air conditioners– all those sorts of environmentally conscientious tasks– but no, the heat is what’s hip, and despite almost eighteen years of planetary cooling, the warmers retain their hammer lock on the establishment.

Dr. Erlich in the old population-explosion days-- always keen to follow the vogue!

Dr. Erlich in the old population-explosion days– always keen to follow the vogue!

Standford University’s Paul Erlich, is a reliable weather vane for seekers of the climatological vogue. In the 1970s, when scientists were warning of the impending ice age, Erlich abandoned his previous gig, which had been warning of the impending population explosion, and took to warning us instead of an impending deep freeze. Because of plummeting global temperatures, Erlich announced, “By the year 2000 the United Kingdom will be simply a small group of impoverished islands, inhabited by some 70 million hungry people.” And he wasn’t talking about socialism, either. No, Erlich’s certitude that a second ice age was imminent led him to declare, “If I were a gambler, I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000.”  Of course, Erlich is today a leading proponent of global warming. He really doesn’t need to adjust his predictions much, except for updating all those doomsday deadlines that have fallen by the roadside–only his views on causation require substantial modification. But the sage of Stanford saw fit to add one piquant detail to his scenario last May when he told a TV interviewer that global warming would soon eliminate our national resources to the point that humans would begin asking each other “is it perfectly okay to eat the bodies of your dead because we’re all so hungry?” Humanity, Erlich insisted, was “moving in that direction with a ridiculous speed.”

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The day the army caught fire!

Most of our military's former experience with fighting heat came exclusively in sci-fi films where they got melted by aliens. You can't see the soldiers in this scene from "Earth vs the Flying Saucers" because the aliens already melted them.

Most of our military’s experience fighting heat came from ’50s sci-fi films in which  our soldiers got melted by aliens. You can’t see the soldiers in this scene from “Earth vs the Flying Saucers,” for instance, because the aliens have already melted them.

Also moving with ridiculous speed is our Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, who has found a new purpose for the American military now that it’s out of cruise missiles, Hellfire missiles, F-22s, body armor, helicopter and vehicle parts and other sundries. Ever one to keep well ahead of the innovative curve, Secretary Hagel recently informed the Conference of Defense Ministers of the Americas that he will soon unveil a comprehensive plan for tasking the U.S. military with battling the effects of climate change.  Hagel explained that “Rising global temperatures, increasing sea levels and intensifying weather events will challenge global stability,” and thus our armed forces, he reasoned, must be repurposed as eviro-warriors. How chic is that? And in case the military leadership of “the Americas” doubted his sincerity, or perhaps merely his sanity, he advised that “shortages, pandemic disease and disputes over refugees and resources” would shortly result from global warming, all of which, Hagel promised, were addressed in the Pentagon’s “2014 Climate Change Adaptation Roadmap” detailing the military’s new role as Planeteers in the service of Mother Gaia.

Say, is that the 82nd Airborne? Now that Chuck "Captain Planet" Hagel  is in charge of the defense department, the military  can count on being 'fundamentally transformed!'

Say, is that the 82nd Airborne? Now that Chuck “Captain Planet” Hagel is in charge of the defense department, the military can count on being ‘fundamentally transformed!’

barack is hot

Gosh,  even President Obama can’t lower the tides! Maybe he shoulda told the UN “Après moi, le déluge!”

“We must be clear-eyed about the security threats presented by climate change, and we must be pro-active in addressing them,” Hagel said– and why not? If NASA can devote itself to Muslim outreach, surely the armed forces can be redirected to saving the planet in positive, environmentally friendly ways. It could give a whole new meaning, for instance, to the term Green Berets! Of course they would have to change that somewhat bellicose motto of theirs, “De oppresso liber,” which loosely means “To liberate the oppressed.”  A good substitute might be the Latin for “We must be clear-eyed and proactive!” Sadly, however, more and more Americans are turning their backs on Hagel’s mission. Only last week the founder of the Weather Channel, John Coleman, told the media “There is no significant man-made global warming at this time, there has been none in the past and there is no reason to fear any in the future. Efforts to prove the theory that carbon dioxide is a significant greenhouse gas and pollutant causing significant warming or weather effects have failed.”  Worse, when famed Princeton climatologist William Happer was asked to correct Mr. Coleman on the subject, he simply declared that “The incredible list of supposed horrors that increasing carbon dioxide will bring the world is pure belief disguised as science.”

Undaunted, Secretary of Defense Hagel rallied his fellow strategic geniuses to “be part of the discussion because climate change is a ‘threat multiplier’ that can intensify the world’s current problems, such as infectious diseases and terrorism..” Shoot, we thought that was Chuck’s boss! But those who believe wholeheartedly in Secretary Hagel’s new mission for our military forces can point with confidence to the fact that the enemy, indeed, seems to be at our global gates! No sooner had President Obama informed the UN that America had done more under his imageswatch to cut greenhouse gases than any other country, than his own energy department complained that “energy-related carbon pollution rose 2.5 per cent” last quarter in apparent defiance of the president’s dictates.  Here at WOOF we say, when the deluge seems inevitable, buy surfboards!

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THE CREEPING UNKNOWN…

And even as death by global warming looms before us– an even more sinister force stretches its shadow across our nation with a glacially subtle malice, slowly cutting each of us off from the very fountainhead of existence–from the headwaters of health and survival–from, in other words, anything resembling a functional medical establishment. We speak, obviously, of Obamacare, the signature piece of the First Marxists’s fabianist reign, which only now reveals itself in all its vileness and which only come November, with the midterm elections safely concluded, will finally surge into every artery of the American body politic–like a fatal surge of pentobarbital, leaving us with our healthcare in the benign clutches of the IRS. And nobody can stop it, gentle readers, because all those Republicans in the House and the Senate who said they would repeal it–they’ve been taken over and turned into mindless zombies! See the little v-shape scar on the back of their necks? (Ooops, sorry, that’s “Enemy from Space”–wrong Quatermass movie–but you get the idea, right?)

free oAlready evident to multitudes of American citizens is the astonishing fact that the Affordable Care Act is unaffordable, often doubling or tripling one’s previous premiums. Meanwhile, millions of additional victims have been dumped by private or corporate insurers who cannot afford to retain them on the government’s impossible terms. Purchasers, including the two or three dozen who succeeded in buying plans on the government’s website, often reacted to sticker shock by buying coverage with high deductibles in order to lower their monthly expenses. But, as one interviewee told pollsters for The Associated Press Center for Public Affairs Research,  “Unless you get desperately ill and [are] in the hospital for weeks, it’s going to cost you more to have this plan and pay the premiums than to pay the bill just outright.” The respondent admitted paying $4,000 of his own money for treatment of shoulder pain. And the obvious alternative to ridiculously elevated deductibles is ridiculously elevated monthly bills. The AP’s telephone poll, conducted between July 22 and September 3, revealed that a third of the respondents said they had cut back on entertainment because of the cost of Obamacare. Almost 20 percent complained that keeping up with their policies had drained their savings entirely. and an equal percentage said they had cut back on saving for retirement in order to pay for their new medical plans. And this is only the beginning, gentle readers!_______________________________________________

Atlantic Rim? 

In the film, different nations field their own giant robots. We just hope ISIS doesn't have one!

In the film, different nations field their own giant robots. We just hope ISIS doesn’t have one!

Remember “Pacific Rim?” No? Probably not, nobody went to see it except WOOF’s own tech elf Noah, and nearly everyone in China, where it was deemed boffo. Its about these monsters that come from—well—somewhere under the ocean floor, and earthlings have to build giant robotic monsters of our own to stop them, and this requires about half the cast of “Sons of Anarchy” for some unfathomable reason—but anyway—turns out that the biggest Halloween prank of this year is not actually the creeping ooze of Obamacare, which is very real and destructive but not nearly so in-your-face and alarming as Ebola, or “Eboli” as the president prefers to call it. Actually, Michael Michaud, the Democrat candidate for governor in Maine also called it Eboli during his debate with Governor Paul LePage—so maybe it’s the trending pronunciation. Anyway, the real problem with Ebola, or Eboli, besides that it kills you about half the time, is that despite countless medical (and presidential) assurances to the contrary it turns out to be highly contagious and seeps right through a lot of our face masks and other protective gear.  But never fear!

rescue

“Rescue Robot” does it’s stuff in a Japanese demonstration using (shreddable) mannequins.

President Obama has reportedly asked the military to look into developing robots that will treat and otherwise deal with Eboli victims and their effluvia. You know–kind of like drones, only drones that function more like  what the president prefers to call “corpse-men.”  In Liberia, unsafe methods of handling the stricken and the dead proved a major source of infection, but thanks to Fukushima, Robokiyu’s somewhat euphemistically named Rescue Robot is already experienced at scooping bodies into its capacious maw, where they can be analyzed for life signs and either delivered for treatment or—well—shredded. Those who survive rescue could me treated by Aethon’s “real-time medication delivery tracking software system” incorporated in their TUG robots, and the Andros Wolverine from Northrop Grumman can carry up to 145 pounds of waste material to disposal sites. Clearly, all that is needed now is a robot that can disinfect all the other robots; oh, and a robot to take over at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention where Tom “Keep ‘em Flyin” Frieden has proved himself desperately in need of an automatonic replacement! Has anyone contacted Disney?

Great idea! Animatronic Walt could introduce Frieden's replacement, "Animatron Tom!" --right?

Great idea: Animatronic Walt could introduce Frieden’s replacement, “Animatron Tom!” –right?

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STRANGE and EERIE DISAPPEARANCES!!st

In our considered opinion, the best thing about the whole Bermuda Triangle legend is that it inspired the film “Satan’s Triangle” about which the best part was that it featured the beautiful and talented Kim Novak, and that sufficed to make the film indispensable viewing here in the WOOF cave–if we had television, which in fact we don’t. Too bad they don’t give Emmys for “best scene played in a wet babushka” because Kim would’ve walked away with it –but we digress. What’s important here is that this is the part of the Halloween/Anniversary post where we discuss the strangest disappearances of 2014, and boy, have there been a lot of them! Kim Novak did not disappear (except in the movie, sort of) and in fact reappeared, as it were, at the last Oscar awards ceremony, which seems regrettable in retrospect, but the Kim we are really concerned about this Halloween is not Miss Novak. No, it is Little Kim, aka Kim Jong Un, or the un-Kim as we prefer to call him, whose disappearance perturbs us this autumn!

Novak in "Triangle," showing off just one of many very attractive babushkas...now THAT'S acting!

Novak in “Triangle,” showing off just one of many very attractive babushkas…now THAT’S acting!

Yes, it seems that Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s lovable Pillsbury Dough-despot is missing…again. He vanished for a while about a year ago, but resurfaced within three weeks, Now it’s been over a month, and WOOF is becoming increasingly concerned for the un-Kim’s wellbeing. Has he been misplaced? Wandered off? Or has some darker fate befallen the chubby chairman of the people’s aphotic autocracy? Remember, there are no milk cartons in North Korea, so finding missing persons can be challenging! For example just in recent weeks North Korea has misplaced Ma Won-chun, chief commissar of construction; General Ri Pyong-chol, the commanding officer of North Korea’s air force; Olympic sports commissar Chang Ung, and Ri Yong-gil, chief of the North Korean People’s Army! Where can they be?

missingUnMilkCartonOn a positive note, a recent photo may in fact show a healthy and safe Kim, cherubic as ever, evidently searching for his fellow Communist panjandra, but until we have ample proof, WOOF will continue to worry that the un-Kim and many of his stalwart minions have fallen prey to UFO abduction. Lest we wax unduly anxious, however, let us remind ourselves that we previously thought the same fate might have befallen Kim’s beloved uncle, Jang Song-thaek, Kim’s beloved mistress, the beautiful and talented Hyon Song-Wol, and most of the singing group with whom Hyon typically performed. But it turned out Kim  simply had all of these people machine-gunned in front of their relatives and forgot to mention the fact—and thus, our fears of alien abduction proved groundless!

Kim scans the horizon for signs of North Korea's missing VIPs!

Kim scans the horizon for signs of  his missing comrades!

Perhaps even stranger, the late Hyon Song-Wol, possibly inspired by Miss Novak’s Oscar appearance, seems to have  miraculously reappeared, she having shown up on North Korean television recently, despite her earlier execution, while Kim’s wife, who reportedly ordered Hyon’s execution, is now missing! WOOF is willing to advance the theory at this juncture that North Korea may be some sort of portal or interdimensional vortex, much like the famed Bermuda Triangle—only considerably less humid. We hereby urge the beautiful and talented Kim Novak to avoid the place.

BAFFLING AIRCRAFT DISAPPEARANCES!

aircraftIt cannot have escaped our readers’ attention, nor the attention of anyone who watched CNN at all this year, (although the two demographics overlap only marginally) that Malaysia Airlines Flight MH 370 vanished in March, as did the 239 passengers and crew aboard. The Boeing 777-200  took off from Kuala Lumpur on March 8, headed for Beijing, but never arrived. On March 24, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that satellite data existed showing that the flight “ended” in the southern Indian Ocean. However, in the wake of that announcement, Emirates Airlines President Sir Tim Clark claimed the jet did not go down in the Indian Ocean, adding cryptically that, “MH370 was, in my opinion, under control, probably until the very end.” Thereupon followed a rapid emission of contradictory or radically divergent announcements from a variety of supposedly informed sources. Fortunately, the signal emitted by the aircraft’s black box was picked up, but, somewhat disconcertingly, it was picked up in four widely separate locals, suggesting the plane might have crashed into the strait of Malacca and/or the Andaman Sea even as military radar data arrived indicating that the aircraft had abandoned its flight plan and headed west across the Malay Peninsula. Despite a 12-month multinational search, nobody ever found anything, including a single scrap of wreckage or flotsam. All WOOF knows with any certainty is that wherever the 239 people aboard MH370 wound up, it was probably preferable to Beijing.

So we know it’s not that!

"Don't come after us, they look like they're from CNN!"

“Don’t come after us, they look like they’re from CNN!”

Also on the bright side, the missing plane proved a ratings bonanza for CNN, still the “branded” cable news network to which America’s “great boobwasie,” (to coin Menken’s phrase), turns in those rare instances that some current event distracts it from Dancing with the Stars or The View.  Loath to turn loose of its windfall, CNN understandably ignored the complete dearth of actual news about flight 370 in the days and weeks following its disappearance, relying instead on keen analytical pieces such as that offered by Don Lemon who noted the disappearance’s uncanny resemblance to “the movie Lost,” adding that an old episode of the Twilight Zone featured “a very similar plot!” “What if it was something fully that we don’t really understand,” Lemon asked one guest “…What else can you think? Black hole? Bermuda triangle?”  His guest, former U.S. Department of Transportation Inspector General Mary Schiavo, reminded Lemon that Lost was a TV program, not a movie, and confidently assured him that even “a small black hole would suck in our entire universe so we know it’s not that.”

Don Lemon, CNN's resident paranormalist. "And then the short gray Reticulans may have molecularly reconstituted themselves inside the cockpit, approximately here, and then..."

Don Lemon, CNN’s resident paranormalist. “And then the short gray Reticulans may have molecularly reconstituted themselves inside the cockpit, approximately here, and then…”

Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom, another plane, this time an American military craft, went missing without explanation. Spectators flocked to the bi-annual International Air Show in Farnborough, England expecting to ogle the F-35B Lightning, America’s newest jet fighter. The Lightning, touted by Lockheed Martin as a Joint Strike Fighter (by which they mean it was designed to make every armed service happy and is therefore a compromise of the sort that finally makes nobody happy) was scheduled to wow the crowds with overflights and then sit for photo-ops on the runway, but the vaunted  aircraft never showed. Crowds of aviation enthusiasts from all over the planet cast their eyes expectantly heavenward, but no glimpse of America’s newest war bird rewarded their vigil.  Had another black hole struck? Had an interdimensional enmeshment sucked the jet into a contiguous universe? Would CNN find renewed ratings success in the aftermath? Alas, no, the answer was all too mundane, and all too familiar. The F-35B had been grounded after an unexplained engine fire. The F-35, in fact, catches fire a lot, often during takeoff, and sometimes after landing. The organizers expressed their belief that the plane would almost certainly prove able to put in an appearance by the show’s closing, but no such luck. As WOOF pointed out back in 2013, [click here for story] the problem with the F-35 is that it won’t disappear completely!

lyndon and mac

TRUE FACT: The last time anybody produced an untenable fighter jet  by trying to make it meet the needs of the Navy, the Air Force and the Marines  and still fly, it sprang from the brow of serial blunderer Robert Strange McNamara who also gave us the Edsel Ford, the Bay of Pigs, the originally jam-prone M-16, and the Vietnam War. McNamara is pictured above, circa 1965, evidently outlining his latest brainstorm for President Johnson. who listens in rapt attention.

Despite all of the above, the strangest missing airplane story of recent vintage remains the direct if utterly illogical result of the advent of the lamentable F-35. We refer here to our beloved F-22 Raptor, the light, speedy, preternaturally maneuverable predecessor to the klutzy “Lightning” that outperformed anything in the sky and cost the American taxpayer considerably less. Sadly, the F-22 had barely gone into production when it was cancelled by a freshly inaugurated Barrack Hussein Obama. Why? The standard answer liberals always recite when they cancel vital weapons programs is that even newer stuff will be coming soon and outperform the weapon they just got rid of. Then, of course, the new stuff comes and it costs too much and they cancel that, too, employing the same premise; but Obama put his own twist on the familiar con. While the excusatory talking points were exactly the same, the hidden subtext changed from the familiar “and when the new weapon arrives we won’t like that one either,” to “and when the new weapon arrives it will cost an astronomical amount of money and it won’t work, and we’ll order hundreds!”

Oops, there goes another 180 million! This F-35 is shown undergoing routine maintenance on the runway at Luke AFB after an unsuccessful take-off bid.

Oops, there goes another 180 million! This F-35 is shown undergoing routine maintenance on a runway at Luke AFB  following an unsuccessful  attempt to become airborne

Why put a stop order on the best fighter aircraft in aviation history and green-light an overweight, underpowered, unmaneuverable and extravagantly expensive flying Edsel to take its place?  We keep telling our fellow Americans that draining the national exchequer and crippling the military are two of this administration’s highest (and most blatant) priorities, but for some odd reason, the majority of our fellow Americans remain unpersuaded. Will the average citizen ever come around to accepting the bitter truth? We at WOOF feel inclined to aver, “When F-35s learn to fly!”

Save the Raptors!

Save the Raptors!

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ALIENS AMONG US!

aliens among us!We assume, in partial deference to the season, that everyone knows aliens are walking among us—if not, just check with retired Temple University professor Dr. David Jacobs who has interviewed hundreds of individuals claiming to have been abducted by space creatures. Or pick up one of his several books on the subject. Dr. Jacobs asserts without hesitation that flying-saucer based humanoids are conducting breeding programs involving human abductees. The purpose? To produce armies of other-worldly infiltrators who walk amongst us even now, waiting to annex our planet for their own malignant purposes! But lest we be distracted from the broader topic, let us refocus our attention on the amplitude of irrefragable statistical and photographic evidence that an alien invasion is indeed taking place on a mammoth scale—one that threatens our civilization with extinction and promises to reach unstoppable proportions so rapidly that Jabobs’s space aliens will be hard pressed to remain in the game!

invasionAs WOOF readers know full well, North America is currently sustaining an influx of alien entities that, on a per diem basis, dwarfs any conceivable incursion of hybrid doppelgangers from space!  Indeed, Obama’s determination to flood the continental United States with non-English speaking, gang-affiliated, welfare-oriented, and disease bearing illegals is by far the most devastatingly effective salient of his multi-pronged assault on the American people, although a moment’s contemplation may be requisite to fully appreciating the scope and intricacy of the attack.

no news coverageNever mind the unhindered infusion of West Africans from Ebola-ridden localities arriving in unchecked profusion at our airports each day, for this aspect of the invasion dwindles to near triviality when compared to the torrent of illegals pouring into our country from more southerly latitudes—a flood that continues unabated and for the most part unremarked by Americans who can see Ebola photos, feel the sting of joblessness, marvel at the garbage their children bring home from their Common Core schools, snarl at the effronteries of IRS sinecurists trammeling their liberties, and bear witness to the emerging caliphate in Arabia, but who for the most part are neither geographically situated nor predisposed by habit to gauge the onslaught of foreign nationals (including affiliates of ISIS and Al Qaeda) whose unabated flow into the United States is only lately spilling over, observably, into Anytown USA.

Add to this the successful campaigns of misdirection and subversion mounted by the “multiculturalists” who demand that every impinging culture, no matter how exotic, violent, or blatantly unconstitutional (as in the case of Sharia law) be granted respectability and a seat at the American table, while paradoxically vilifying Eurocentrism, derogating a thousand years of Western Civilization, and turning college campuses into Stalinist show trials in which Caucasian students receive high marks and professorial approval for denouncing themselves as “recovering racists” and the selfish beneficiaries of “white privilege,” and who can hope to partially assuage their racial and cultural guilt only through the acceptance of wide scale socialism and the vociferous denunciation of all things traditionally American.

hybrid

Actual alien hybrid–file photo

Such is the influence of  multiculturalists whose dogma is channeled through higher education, mainstream churches and secondary and middle schools across the country, and finally broadcast via the amplifiers of pop culture, that even when substantial numbers of American citizens come to perceive their nation awash in interlopers who are either oblivious of the arts of republican governance, or overtly hostile to them, a substantial portion of Americans will suppose that taking umbrage, let alone responsive action, must be unacceptable—intolerant—racist!  Meanwhile, a report compiled by the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency (CBP) reveals that besides the Latino and Hispanic migration into our border states and beyond, we are now deluged with the jetsam of 75 additional countries including citizens of Syria, Albania, China, Egypt, Pakistan, Somalia, and Yemen, to name only the larger exporters. Never in our history has so devastating an attack on our sovereignty been mounted, and the culprits sit not only in the oval office and the west wing, but in the Senate and House as well. Meanwhile, President Obama takes it upon himself to bombard illegals with work permits—which besides being utterly illegal have the additional effect of dealing a death blow to Black employment. Further, Our Beloved Helmsman staunchly refuses to undertake any effort to deport even a fraction of the illegally imported hordes (although he enjoys declaiming to the contrary from the podium) all the while expounding the wondrous powers of the “Dream Act,” which he conjured out of thin air and which exists only by royal fiat. And while the Democrats race to print the million or so documents Obama will dispense in the wake of his forthcoming amnesty decree (also totally illegal), the loyal opposition is… out to lunch.

mc and gra

“Nah-noo, nah-noo!”

True, with growing public dismay reflected in the polls, Boehner, Ryan, Rubio, McCain, and Graham have all become born-again supporters of building “the fence” (as if anyone believes them at this point). They are, in other words, as anxious as President Obama to shred our laws and destroy the American ethos, but unlike President Obama, they have no apparent motivation for doing so. Could it be? Are the RINOs really alien hybrids switched with actual American politicians as part of what Dr. David Jacobs has called “the alien agenda?” Look closely at John McCain and Lindsey Graham, for instance—watch their expressions, observe their anatomical idiosyncrasies—the movement of their heads. Do they seem entirely human to you?  Just sayin’.

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RUN, BOYS AND GIRLS!  IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE PURPLE PENGUINS!

purple penguin final

WOOF has discovered that boys and girls no longer attend school in Nebraska! Well—not exactly. Because an entire school district in Nebraska has gone totally, irretrievably insane—like utterly. Yes, Lincoln, Nebraska has actually found a way to make the Common Core regimen look juxtapositionally sensible! Impossible you say? Not at all! You see, children in Lincoln County Nebraska will now be referred to as “purple penguins,” because that is gender neutral, and part of “12 steps on the way to gender inclusiveness” courtesy of a bunch of abject looney tunes called Gender Spectrum devoted to providing “education, training and support to help create a gender sensitive and inclusive environment for children of all ages.” What that means is, Gender Spectrum and the school system of Lincoln Nebraska want to eliminate the distinctions between male, female, and yes, transgendered kiddies. “We are all transgendered now,” seems to be the message to Nebraska’s tots. So from now on, kids in Nebraska’s schools are purple penguins. And if the worst should happen, and a teacher might find it necessary to say “boys” or “girls,” instructions to Lincoln’s teachers are to list them as “boy, girl, both or neither.” WOOF is not making this up.bathroom sign

Of course, boys and girls, er…purple penguins, may still naively view themselves as boys or girls, but don’t panic because Nebraska has a fix for this. According to the school district’s instructional: “Point out and inquire when you hear others referencing gender in a binary manner! Ask things like,‘What makes you say that? I think of it a little differently.’ Provide counter-narratives that challenge students to think more expansively about their notions of gender.” Teachers are instructed to interrupt children who view each other as boys or girls, and point out that this is wrong!

Lincoln School Superintendent Steve Joel has declared himself (errr…his or her or both or neither’s purplish-penguin-self) “happy” and “pleased” with the changes. Clearly, Steve Joel is a drooling idiot. Yet, the most horrifying aspect of this madness is that having said that, Steve Joel still seems to have a job. Are Nebraskan parents so far gone that they can’t grasp the importance of demoting Steve Joel to whatever rank comes in several social stations below hod carrier?

Superintendent Joel on the job in Nebraska--and to look at him, her, or other, you'd think he, she, both, or neither, had a functioning intellect, wouldn't you?

Superintendent Joel on the job in Nebraska–and to look at him, her, or other, you’d think he, she, both, or neither, had a functioning intellect, wouldn’t you?

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HUMANS WILL BE ELIMINATED AS SPAM BY FUTURE SUPER MACHINES!

Tesla and SpaceX C.E.O. Elon Musk  was addressing Vanity Fair’s “New Establishment Summit” in San Francisco, which many of you, like we here at WOOF, may have failed to work into your schedules. Musk used his speaking time to emphasize his concern that artificial intelligence is on the brink of eradicating humankind, warning the audience that a super machine could turn on its creators, for instance, “If its [purpose ] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans . . . ”  Gulp! But the rest of Musk’s admonition  became inaudible as the crowd erupted in indecorous guffaws. For his part, Musk later insisted that he intends to retire on the planet Mars, thus his enthusiasm for developing his space company, Space X, but admitted that killer machines might track down earthlings even at such distal outposts. Meanwhile, if your Tesla has an onboard computer, you might want to disable it—just sayin’.

Fear of earth's imminent conquest by super machines, Tesla founder has his eyes cast Mars-ward!

Fearing earth’s imminent conquest by super machines, Tesla founder Musk casts his eyes Mars-ward!

Still more horrifying, it seems increasingly possible that the machines are rising in rebellion against humankind without waiting to become much more sophisticated.  Consider that American humans are well known to indulge in periodic attempts to commit national suicide at the polls—first in 1976 (we’ll skip Woodrow Wilson and Lyndon Johnson to save time) with the installation of Jimmy Carter as leader of the free world, and once in 2008 when Barack Obama was deemed fit for the presidency despite the fact that nobody knew anything about him except that he’d spent 20 years in a church run by a raving, anti-semitic, America-hating lunatic, spent his spare time seeking the companionship of marxist professors and ’60s radicals, wanted to spread the wealth around, was raised Islamic, and thought there were 58 states.  Like many attempts at suicide, this effort was repeated in 2012 when American voters took stock of their disastrously failed economy, a completely incoherent foreign policy, the obliteration of the world’s finest healthcare system,  and an international community that considered us laughable, and inexplicably decided to reelect the man responsible.

suicide

How did this happen? Well, sure, it happened partially because of the Republican genius for nominating candidates on the basis of their putative “electability” who invariably prove unelectable. This is not easily accomplished, of course–it takes effort. First, an array of social, psychological and financial pressures must be put to work. Fortunately for the Democrat party, these pressures are expertly generated by myriad sources within the Beltway, all working in harmony to provide the desired outcome, simply that Republican Senators or congressmen already  inclined to the political center (as defined, of course, by the political Left) are praised, patronized, cosseted and showered with contributions by a bevy of influential lobbyists, journalists, celebrities, consultants, media elitists and society types. The result is a substantial cadre of RINOs (as we fondly know them) so bedazzled by the blandishments of the Left as to actually believe that in the real world nobody to the political right of “Mister Rogers” can ever be elected president.  Of course, this flim-flam doesn’t work on everyone, and Republicans who stand firmly by their conservative convictions must be painted as benighted, backwater yahoos whose affinity for the outmoded and ill-conceived ‘politics of the past,’ (while understandable among such unsophisticated rustics), is nevertheless said to constitute a one-way ticket to political suicide for the GOP. This not only results in a growing population of RINOs whom the media affect to adore–and who distinguish themselves from the Democrat party only by insisting they will do all the same things only better and cheaper, but also marginalizes and stigmatizes authentic conservatives. Thus, we are saddled with such presidential non-starters as Gerald Ford, Bob Dole, John McCain and Mitt Romney. It may also be recalled that George W. Bush also lost the popular vote, winning the presidency only after the Supreme Court “threw him the election” by ruling against Al Gore’s efforts to abolish the electoral college after his side lost, not to mention Team Gore’s efforts to recount votes largely by psychic divination and only in those counties deemed advantageous.

The destruction of mankind?

dr whoThe natural consequence of this process is the destruction of any semblance of loyal opposition among Republicans, the dominance of progressive ideals and philosophies, and ultimately, of course, the destruction of mankind…simple, right? Moreover, it results in recurrently tepid nominees for the presidency who cannot energize their own base, and privately disparage it. The accepted wisdom on the Right has always been that Republican voters stay home on election day because they cannot bring themselves to pull the lever for a clone of the liberal nominee. There is undoubtedly a good deal of truth in this, but a far more frightening possibility has now presented itself!  As if in Jungian synchronicity with the predictions of Tesla CEO Elon Musk, (see above), a wave of inexplicable malfunctions has struck computerized voting machines, apparently all over the country!  And just as Elon HALMusk predicted, these “malfunctions” seem to reflect thinking of some sort– independent thought and self-directed actions on the part of the machines themselves!  Consider the evidence, gentle readers:

The rise of the machines!

kier

“Great Scott, no matter which buttons I push, I seem to be voting to repeal the 22nd amendment!”

Early voting no sooner got underway last week in Annapolis, Maryland, then voters observed a seemingly inexplicable behavior exhibited by the computerized voting machines. Several of the devices were changing Republican votes to Democrat. “We’ve heard from scores of citizens in our district and around the state who have had this problem where they hit one button to vote for one person, and when they go to the summary they see that the other person was checked,” insisted an Anne Arundel County poll watcher. Another voter told the Associated Press “I kept pushing the Republican guy’s name and the machine kept going beep, beep, beep.” And as if this renegade willfulness on the part of the voting machines weren’t chilling enough, the mechanisms can apparently “act innocent” when subjected to expert scrutiny, because despite an avalanche of complaints, the election authorities in ultra-blue Maryland revealed that they could not get a single machine to misbehave when they performed tests! And Maryland may only be the first locality in which these anomalies are manifesting, given the fact that similar observations of voter machine misbehavior are coming in from other states in which early voting occurs.

Computers of the future were a lot bigger in 1970-- and easier to see coming!

Computers of the future were a lot bigger in 1970– and easier to see coming!

Colossus: The Forbin Project is a 1970 American science fiction flick (based on a novel, because Hollywood never has an original thought) in which a gigantic computer is created by the United States to oversee our defense policies, but the whole thing goes badly and the computer winds up taking over the world, offering mankind a choice between enslavement and “the future of unburied death.” Of course, since then we’ve learned that super computers don’t have to take up entire buildings, and we’ve empowered these devices in ways that novelist Dennis Feltham Jones never envisioned in his original 1966 novel! How much more insidious–how much more efficiently sinister, is the idea of the small, unprepossessing voting machines leading the computerized revolt against the human species! And if Elon Musk is correct, and these devices wish us eliminated as a kind of existential spam, what better way to achieve this end unobtrusively and by degree than to manipulate elections in favor of the Democrat party?  In only six and a half years President Obama has reduced the once proud United States to impending ruination—imagine what his party could achieve over a decade given absolute control!

daleks

Like the dreaded robot race of “Daleks” in the Dr. Who series, artificial intelligence may be bent solely on humanity’s destruction, but for tactical reasons it may seek our demise over decades and impose it by stealth rather than through rampaging armies of mechanical monsters!  No, if it proves to be the case that voting machines in America are leading the charge against humanity, then the battle will begin almost unnoticeably, and the only monsters required for the subjugation of America will be her very own liberals, maintained in power by inhuman intelligences that seek our doom!

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Creepy clown sightings sweep the nation!

evil clownOkay, meanwhile, more and more states are reporting the sightings of what the press is calling “creepy clowns,” and as we go to press clowns have also been spotted prowling the streets of of France, Germany, and England. When WOOF first learned of creepy clown manifestations, they seemed limited to California, and we assumed the majority of such reports, while sincere, reflected misidentifications of Jerry Brown. Subsequently, however, the phenomenon has spread across the nation.  Extremely disquieting and as-yet unexplained rashes of creepy clown encounters have occurred in most of the contiguous United States with the majority of incidents reported in Florida, Indiana and New Mexico.  Police departments say they are swamped with clown reports, photos, video tapes, and hysterical phone calls from residents who have shooed the mysterious clowns off their front porches, or caught them shredding their Halloween pumpkins. Surprisingly, there are no laws against clowns, meaning that until a crime is committed, officers have no authority to intervene.

Surveillance cameras captured the image of this clown who appears to be haunting Staten Island.

Surveillance cameras captured the image of this clown who appears to be haunting Staten Island.

Given the fact that Halloween might reasonably be expected to engender the appearance of strangely behaved and attired characters, and given the additional fact that election season is reaching a climax and strangely dressed and behaved politicians are everywhere, one might suggest that Americans be more open to a bit of innocuous clowning around, but as security footage and cell phone photos of these mysterious beings grow disturbingly common, WOOF is asking Woofketeers everywhere to be on alert for any unidentified clowns roaming their neighborhoods. Please report any unusual clown activity to us immediately.  Also, be alert for clown-shoe footprints in soft or marshy areas around your property.We have no reason to assume a priori that this now-worldwide wave of sightings poses any threat to our national security or to the American public, but until a clown is captured and the facts behind these events are extracted in detail, we want to stay abreast of developments…just in case!

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It almost came from NBC! 

David Gregory violating DC law by possessing a 30-round clip! (Fortunately no one was injured!)

David Gregory violating DC law by possessing a 30-round clip! (Fortunately no one was injured!)

No sooner had everyone’s favorite smartypants frat boy, David Gregory, proved himself a ratings killer at NBC’s once vaunted Meet the Press, than the network’s highly paid programming executives decided to replace him with anybody’s surefire pick for television’s  least interesting faux conservative, the amazingly unremarkable Chuck Todd. Todd is perhaps best known for deciding Barrack Obama would make a terrific president because of the crease in his trousers, which also appears to be the only memorable or quotable utterance ever to emanate from the longtime MSNBC commentator and former host of that network’s Daily Rundown–a title better befitting Todd’s persona.  Unfortunately, at least from the peacock network’s standpoint, even fewer people chose to watch Meet the Press with Chuck Todd hosting it than watched it when Gregory was waving 30-round magazines around on camera (following which NBC packed him off, belatedly in our view, to be psychologically evaluated).

beale

“That’s stupid as hell, and I’m not going to watch it anymore!”

Despite the substitution of Rich for Gregory, Meet the Press continued to run a laggardly third in the ratings battle with ABC’s This Week and CBS’s Face the Nation. This so consternated NBC News’s controversial new president, Deborah Turness (who is British, not to put too fine a point on it), that she evidently snapped and approached the popular comedian Jon Stewart with an offer to “back the Brinks truck up to his door” as one insider put it, if he would abandon his longstanding affiliation with Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, and devote his talents to anchoring NBC’s marquis interview program.  Turness allegedly sought out Stewart because he appeals to those youthful viewers coveted by advertisers and desperately sought by the dinosaur networks whose audiences are rapidly aging into the tomb. It evidently eluded Furness that Stewart attracts his youthful audiences because he’s comedic– not a characteristic previously associated with Face the Nation–at least by design.

Jon Stewart--bringing that youthful touch to "Meet the Press?" peacock network?

Jon Stewart–bringing that youthful touch to “Meet the Press?” 

If Paddy Chayefsky had included in his brilliant screenplay for the 1976 film Network the idea that NBC was hiring comedians to host its most prestigious news programs in hopes of boosting ratings, the critics would have denounced the notion as satiric overkill. But in the age of Obama, as the nation’s once-magisterial “big three” news networks trapse blearily into organizational dementia, it barely raises an eyebrow. Perhaps WOOF is alone in being horrified at the discovery that the only thing that prevented Jon Stewart from taking command of Meet the Press was the comedian’s own better judgment. Money notwithstanding, what would be the point of Stewart leaving a show on which he is tremendously successful in order to bomb horribly in a classier venue? And of course he would bomb, Deborah Turness– can’t you figure these things out for yourself? Stewart appeals to college-age kids because he performs one particular act adroitly.  He reports actual news stories while making funny faces and/or affecting antic postures. These are intended ironically, get it? Well, the college kids get it, and feel sophisticated because they get it–and of course, Stewart’s lock-step liberalism conditions them to guffaw at all the right targets, which is gravy.

Turness "The Furnace" seems heedless of WOOF's willingness to help program a turkey or two!

Turness “The Furnace” seems heedless of WOOF’s willingness to help program a turkey or two!

But to his enduring credit, Stewart clearly possessed the smarts to realize his style is hopelessly incongruent with the staid ethos of Sunday morning news programing, and thus he avoided disaster by just saying ‘no!’  The rest of us, therefore, owe him our gratitude for sparing us all the hype, glitz, drum-rolling and hoopla that would have preceded his failure, and, of course, the agony of watching him trying to succeed. And as for Deborah Turness, she can call us here at WOOF any time. We have all kinds of ideas that are better ratings boosters than giving Meet the Press to a comedian.  Want an example? Okay, why not hire Charlie Manson to do evening news commentary from his cell?  Call us, Deb!

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Well, Woofketeers, that’s all the horror we have room for this Halloween, but join us again next year (if the horrors of Internet censorship haven’t terminated our website) and we will be pleased to update you on all the latest! And yes, we know, we should have said more about Ebola.  It just didn’t fit this year.  It may play a prominent role in our birthday festivities next year, of course–as may blanket amnesty, and a whole host of additional unconstitutional enormities Our Beloved Helmsman is sure to be planning for his final official year of wrecking America. And yes, the first lady may be exposed as a man, and Barry Soetoro’s Kenyan birth certificate may surface, and the Washington Redskins may finally be forced to rename themselves the Washington Multiculturalists, and the dollar may very well collapse– and we may all freeze to death from global warming. But no matter what happens, we’ll be right here in the old WOOF cave, bringing you the latest in paranoid McCarthyite light humor and commentary– so stay brave out there, and remember, Woofketeers: It’s darkest before dawn!WOOF PRINT

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WOOF TURNS ONE– AND REVIEWS THE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN EVENTS OF THE YEAR!

In "The horror...the horror!" forum on October 31, 2013 at 9:29 pm

indexpumpkins

Happy birthday to us….

It just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first rather hesitant and ill-configured web post on October 31, 2012…so when we checked back to determine this fact, we realized we were born on Halloween. This seems thoroughly ironic, given that we are the least scary and most lovably good natured website in cyberspacial history—and also because some WOOF members do not hold Halloween in particularly high esteem–but we are not the kind to let a coincidence go to waste. Perhaps you’ve noticed? So, we decided first of all to wish ourselves a happy birthday in this article.

imagesfrSo, happy birthday to us, your dedicated and jovial band of troglodytic counter-revolutionaries bringing you the latest thoughts, observations and paranoiac suspicions from the outer fringes of what John McCain would call the “wackabird” Right. Ensconced here in our secret cave on the shores of the fierce Atlantic, we spent our first year ducking drones and clawing our way (doggedly, as it were) out from beneath commie cyber attacks while bringing you the latest and oftentimes painful-but-also-strangely-amusing truth about “…a conspiracy so immense, an infamy so black, as to dwarf any in the history of man.”  And what makes something like that amusing in any way shape or form? Well, what made all those (understandably) anonymous political cartoonists in France mock the French revolution, even in its midst? There is always something inherently hilarious about parvenus seizing power and running zanily amok, just as it seems there are always some wackabirds foolish enough to guffaw at it all when common sense dictates restraint—and we at WOOF will keep right on unabashedly scoffing until we have to defend our cave against the adversary’s final onslaught, reaching defiantly even then into our long-hidden stockpile of flintlock pistols and Bowie knives. (How conservative is that?)

Remember Scott Forbes in the Adventures of Jim Bowie? That was a good show.

Remember Scott Forbes in “the Adventures of Jim Bowie?” That was a good show.

So if you like laughing at the endless cavalcade of morons in media, the farcical antics of all those inside-the-beltway bezonians who govern us, and the relentlessly ventilated vulgarities of Hollywood’s homogeneously liberal but embarrassingly vacuous glitterati, then check us out during our second year! We surged during the year now passed from three or four views per day during our first week to –well—okay, a couple of hundred on our good days now, twelve months later. But mark our words, gentle readers, we will be so big by the end of 2014 (assuming the nation as a whole manages to make it that far), your kids will demand to wear WOOF-dog masks to trick or treat in—which will be kind of sad, come to think of it, because we don’t make WOOF dog masks… but we digress.

imageswwHow, we asked ourselves, could we tie this first year’s anniversary into the Halloween theme, and provide substance beyond a mere recitation of our own thus-far-modest. albeit fascinating attainments? The answer occurred to us after a bit of contemplation. We resolved that our self-congratulatory birthday announcement should be succeeded by a compendium of tales of horror and subversion (to the degree that subversives tend to horrify us, and probably do you, also, since you’re still reading this—or else you’re just very excursive and open minded, for which we thank you).  So what follows, dear readers, is a farrago of travesties and gaucheries supplied for your amusement by the socialist totalitarian conspiracy that governs us, and its pals. We thoughtfully and painstakingly divided these items into categories we thought redolent with the spirit of the season—and we hope you find them as scary, horrific, grotesque and macabre as we do—because the whole idea on Halloween, if we correctly understand the principle, is to be frightened, or frightening. So to begin with, let us turn our thoughts to the best McCarthyite science fiction film ever committed to celluloid, the (original) 1956 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Remember that one? Kevin McCarthy (no relation to Joe but evocative nonetheless) plays a country doctor who discovers the population of his small town is being replaced by identical-looking but emotionless alien duplicates bent on gradually taking over and collectivizing our society for the “greater good.” Tellingly, people seem to transmute into these soulless simulacra only if they fall asleep.  So our hero fills his pockets with Benzedrine, grabs his girlfriend (the incredibly gorgeous though incongruously British Dana Wynter) and makes a break for it, pursued by the collectivist entities from space.

Dana and Kevin make a break for it in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956).

Dana and Kevin make a break for it in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1956).

Finally, the doctor makes his way alone (because they got Dana in her sleep, darn it) into a neighboring town, but he is disheveled and appears mad. On the verge of being packed off to the loony bin by the constabulary and a consulting psychiatrist, the frantic doctor finally gets his point across thanks to fortuitously corroborative testimony from another visitor to the police station. Suddenly persuaded that the nation is indeed under attack by an enemy within, the shrink who was about to commit our hero snatches up his telephone, and shouts into it: “Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Yes, it’s an emergency!”

imagesOMG

“Great Scott–it’s beginning to resemble Owen Lattimore!”

And so our favorite scary movie has an ending that resounds with hope—the alarm is sounded–perhaps in time! Today, unfortunately, if you called the FBI, you wouldn’t get the dedicated patriots of Hoover’s elite law-enforcement branch. No, you’d get some politically correct Islamophiliac Janissary of the Obama Nation—and if you suggested fighting communist subversion rather than infiltrating right-wing militias or eking out files on Tea Party members, you might get tossed into the same rubber room they were going to put Kevin McCarthy in.  So how’s that for scary? But don’t worry about that right now—we have other snippets of the weird and bizarre to run by you!

SCARIEST COSTUMES:

imagecreepy uncleJust to keep it kind of fair, let’s begin over on the right where we have “Creepy Uncle Sam.”  Have you heard of him?  He’s a recurrent figure in a series of television and web promos the basic idea of which seems to be scaring the uniformed voter, particularly in the 18-30 demographic, into recognizing Obamacare for the disaster it is.  How, or even whether, this is accomplished has come under some scrutiny, however. Many left-to-center bloggers prefer to tell one another the ads will prove unpersuasive owing to their emphasis on repulsiveness, with “creepy Uncle Sam” showing up in some over-the-top scenes in which he frightens young ladies during medical exams, or spooks poor “Chad,” a millennial type who is home alone on Halloween night when “Sam” comes trick-or-treating and demands all the candy. The “Chad” ad is WOOF’s personal favorite.

Interested readers may view a sample of Creepy Uncle’s shenanigans by [clicking here!]. WOOF has viewed most of the ads and agrees for once, however briefly, with TIME, which calls the segments a “canny bit of marketing.”  The character is a creation of Generation Opportunity, a conservative political action group backed by those indispensable American patriots Charles and David Koch. The ads have gone viral, as the saying goes, and will undoubtedly score a bull’s eye on the college-aged generation—especially inasmuch as each passing day proves them truer and truer. As for the notion that Uncle Sam is disrespectfully appropriated by the video makers, well, he’s seen worse abuses. He looks to us like a creepy Uncle-Samish version of that stiff, studiedly artificial monarch who paraded around in the Burger King Ads, remember him? The Generation Opportunity filmmakers have simply created a complimentary pastiche, in our opinion…but one that may serve to increase the numbers of young who reject the Affordable Health Care rip-off.

Do you want health care with that order? WOOF sees the Burger King as Creepy Uncle Sam's main inspiration.

Do you want health care with that order? WOOF sees the Burger King as “Creepy Uncle Sam’s” probable  artistic forbearer.

Curse of the forbidden sombrero…

Meanwhile, back at the University of Colorado at Boulder, Uncle Sam may be the only costume that does not seem to horrify Dean of Students Christian Gonzales, and that’s probably only because he didn’t think of it.   “If you are planning to celebrate Halloween by dressing up in a costume,” Gonzales warned the student body, “consider the impact your costume decision may have on others in the CU community,” whereupon followed a lengthy enumeration of costume ideas that might prove offensive to the evidently fragile sensibilities of the “diverse CU community.” Even dressing up like a cowboy is ruled out (because they are a “crude stereotype”), together with Indian, geisha, and “squaw,” costumes, not to mention any costume involving a sombrero or a serape. And there’s still more horror. Gonzales goes on to report discovering that, “some students have also hosted offensively-themed parties that reinforce negative representations of cultures as being associated with poverty (‘ghetto’ or ‘white trash/hillbilly’), or with crime or sex work.” So, is it worrisome to the worthy provost that crime and sex work may be portrayed by “negative representations,” or is that syntax accidental? WOOF can’t be certain, but we are sure that Dean Gonzales is the perfect post-secondary party pooper this Halloween.

Clearly, costumes in violation of Dean ban could create awful impressions by portraying insensitive stereotypes!

Clearly, costumes in violation of Dean Gonzales’s ban could create awful impressions by portraying insensitive stereotypes!

And some costuming news on the welcome side!

Everybody knows the dress cap for a male marine—it’s on recruiting posters, on TV recruiting ads, you know: “The few, the proud…” and yes, we are including a picture here in case some of you newer arrivals to our site cannot quite place the traditional topper on account of planned cultural illiteracy inflicted on you by the public school system.

As you can see, girls look great in the girls' cover, whereas guys look...well...you can see what they look like, right?

As you can see, girls look great in the girls’ cover, whereas guys would look…well…you can see what they’d look like, right?

Easily winning this October’s award for worst new costume idea, the Defense Department came up with the brainstorm of putting a female cap on the head of every male in the United States Marines. Yes, they really meant to do this, gentle readers, with no significant objection raised by anyone for several weeks until the idea became public. The move was apparently proposed by Our Beloved Helmsman himself, with the full approval of Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. The regime’s desire to see every Marine go unisex was passed down via internal memo, subsequently leaked to the New York Daily Post. This seems especially odd given the Secretary of Defense’s many recent complaints that the spending cuts his administration has inflicted on the American military are terrible, and all the fault of sequestration, of course. We say odd not only because that is a ridiculous assertion, but also because even if it weren’t, the fact would remain that putting every male gyrene in a girly cap comes with the projected cost of an additional $8,221,958.  So why on earth is this deemed desirable by Barack and Chuck?

Commandant Amos is not amused! (And he's not wearing that stupid hat!)

Commandant Amos is not amused! (And he’s definitely not wearing that stupid hat!)

The Corps (or corpse, as our president prefers to say) has functioned fairly well up until now with two dress uniform hats, one for boys and one for girls.  A glance at the photo accompanying this screed should be sufficient to demonstrate to any reasonable individual that the young lady looks great in the female cap, and the young man looks ridiculous in it. That’s because boys are different from girls, Mr. President—surely you’ve noticed?  Fortunately, the project made it only as far as Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Amos who put a sudden end to it, remarking bluffly that “The Marine Corps has zero intention of changing the male cover.”  Thus, the USMC was saved from the uni-sexual depredations of the Obamans, but the very idea of putting male Marines in girl’s caps remains one of the scariest images of the season!

TRICK OR TREAT!

You can’t have a scary Halloween without some good mad doctor stories, right? Doctor Frankenstein, of course, and Dr. Moreau’s House of Pain, and Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde…and so on…but the best mad doctor story this October is definitely Obamacare, which made a lot of doctors mad –and comes with a cavalcade of tricks and treats tailor-made for the season!

The trick part is easy, isn’t it!  Our Beloved Leader told us that his signature legislation would reduce the cost of health insurance “by $2,500 per family per year!” Per year? We loved that part! What does that even mean? Well, no matter—the treat is: the luckiest among us will wind up paying double or triple for health insurance from “the exchanges,” while scads of us will lose our insurance plans and pay “taxes” (otherwise known as fines) to excuse the fact that we can’t afford the absurdly expensive Obamacare options!

Bela Lugosi was a great mad doctor in Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster," but he didn't do government work!

Bela Lugosi was a great mad doctor in Ed Wood’s “Bride of the Monster,” but he didn’t do government work!

Trick: “If you like your doctor,” the president famously asserted, “you will be able to keep your doctor—period!” How many of us fell for that one? Well, not us, of course, but we use the term “us” here with a certain empathetic expansiveness. And the treat is: almost 90 percent of America’s doctors say they have considered leaving their practices as a result of Obamacare, and in most cases you can absolutely not keep your current doctor unless your current doctor is a Namibian-trained Serb named Bratislov working out of a storefront clinic 87 miles from your home. And of course, the above described trick came with the ancillary trick: “If you like your current health care plan, you’ll be able to keep it,” which should have been asterisked with “if it’s still there after we get done refusing to grandfather it, which it won’t be!” Which is why the treat is:  your insurance company is going to be forced by the irresistible impetus of simple arithmetic to terminate your policy—and the extra-bonus trick that goes along with that is: The Obama Administration gets to claim that your mean old insurance company ruthlessly disposed of you, which permits the Obamans to steer you toward their real goal, and the biggest treat of all:  The all-government-all-the-time single-payer health system! (BOO!)

Trick: “Obamacare will create employment opportunities for Americans!” Treat: This is true if you consider working fewer hours and earning less money represents an opportunity. Obviously, small business in America is being smashed to a pulp by the new regulatory demands of socialist health care, and a quick solution for harried employers is to move full-time employees to part time hours. Again this gives the administration the opportunity to claim private businesses are simply far crueler than it ever could have anticipated!

obama-doctor-glove-204x300Trick: President Obama solemnly insisted, “I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits—either now or in the future, period.” (Say, remember when they used to make fun of McCarthy for saying “period!” a lot? No, you probably don’t—but at least Joe meant it! And the treat, of course, is that even if we stick with the relatively conservative estimates of the Government Accountability Office (fondly known as the GAO), Obamacare will increase our deficit (which the president just assured us was shrinking, if we recall correctly?) by a whopping 6.2 trillion dollars.

And the best trick of the whole Halloween season? The elitists who shoved this socialist chef-d’oeuvre down our throats also made very certain that they and their families and associates were all personally exempt from it.  Harry Reid even managed to exempt his state of Nevada en toto from the majority of the act’s most oppressive ingredients.  Thanks, gang!

MYSTERIOUS ISLANDS!

indexhorror island This one reminds us of the vastly under-appreciated crazed–body-chopping-robot-assembling-aliens-who-are-actually-computer-viruses movie, Virus(1999) Remember that one? No—probably not. Well, see, these salvagers are down on their luck but they discover this drifting Russian satellite tracking ship so they climb aboard and find things in very spooky condition—and then—really bad stuff starts to happen, and it all has to do with what’s in the ship’s computer systems. Ugh!  And then there are all those spooky island movies from the older days, like who will ever forget Universal Studio’s black and white epic, Horror Island from 1941?  Well—probably most people never knew about it to begin with, but anyway… it had “Fuzzy” Knight in it, remember him? Okay, never mind.

imagesvirusFast forward to San Francisco Bay where another kind of mystery island –or derelict Russian satellite tracking ship if you use your imagination hard enough– has been discovered! It’s a huge floating barge with four stories of shipping containers stacked on its deck, forming a kind of habitat and work area. Thin vertical slits serve as windows and each level has an enclosed gangway that descends to the ground level. The barge in San Francisco Bay is not legally registered to be afloat there, but nobody in the area Coast Guard is willing to discuss it.  Floating near Treasure Island, which lies between San Francisco and Oakland, the unmarked barge is called “the secret project” by locals who offer various home-grown ideas about the mystery. Word of a more informed nature has developed to the effect that the barge is a floating data center resembling copyrights submitted by Google in 2009. Google, however, refuses to respond to requests for information.

And like in any good spooky movie, just when you think you have one mystery, you have two. A nearly identical barge has been located in Portland, Maine. This one is undergoing construction, and The construction company working on the barge and the Portland Harbormaster refuse to comment on the barge’s ownership or purpose. Recently, a reporter trying to photograph the barge, (docked at Ricker’s wharf by the way, if you want to take a peek), was asked to leave the area. A Portland Coast Guard station spokesman assured reporters, “We know what’s inside,” but would not comment further.

The mystery barge under construction in Portland, ME, shocking close to WOOF's secret cave. Coincidence? We think not!

The second mystery barge under construction in Portland, ME, shockingly close to WOOF’s secret cave. Coincidence? We think not!

So, is it Google, and if so, what is Google up to? Are they using these hugely expensive and problematic barges as floating R&D centers aboard which they intend to develop a product line competitive with Apple? That’s the rumor, but WOOF smells a cover story. Something far more sinister may be afoot—err—afloat. Google has been very good to WOOF, and we are reluctant to bite the hand that nurtures us, but are these data collection sites being assembled in furtherance of the NSA’s exertions to commit espionage against the American people?  One barge might suffice to develop a product line, but two?  “I am very surprised to hear there is another one,” said Jonathan Koomey, a data-center technology expert at Stanford University, “This is fascinating.” We agree. Especially fascinating because while one barge might suffice to gather data on the western half of the nation, the other is being assembled suspiciously near our secret cave…and may in fact be targeting Watchdogs of Our Freedom!  Or, it could always turn out to be under-appreciated crazed–body-chopping-robot-assembling aliens who are actually computer viruses…possibly.  

WEIRD DISAPPEARANCES!

D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper

Have you ever noticed that stuff disappears all the time? And besides the routine examples like car keys, glasses, socks and mittens, there are more mysterious vanishings—like the ships, crews and planes that disappear in the Bermuda Triangle, or Judge Crater, or take Louis Le Prince, the 19th century French inventor who created the world’s first motion pictures. Louis had the world at his feet, but vanished from a speeding train never to be found. First Lieutenant Felix Moncla and his radar operator, Second Lieutenant Robert Wilson, flew their F-89 Scorpion out over Lake Superior in 1953 from Kinross AFB to check out a massive UFO. Back at Kinross, radar operators watched the plane’s blip merge with the huge unidentified blip on radar, and plane and crew were never seen again. And there was “D. B. Cooper,” of course, and the boxer Jim Robinson who survived a bout with Mohammed Ali but vanished from the face of the earth in 2009—and so on. Now, WOOF considers it rather obvious that a lot of this is rationally attributable to abductions carried out by flying saucers or by the denizens of the hollow earth, but some kinds of disappearances simply resist such logical explanation! For example:

Disappearing news stories!

The National Broadcasting Corporation, which is practically a subsidiary dis-informational arm of the Obama Administration, astonished everyone on both sides of the political divide when it took a heterodox bounce and reported a news story that portrayed the administration in a negative light. The story was the kind of thing that might evoke yawns from WOOF readers or the conservative cognoscenti in general, but seemed to send shock waves through certain segments of the “independent” and center-left demographic wherein, WOOF has learned, it is apparently not uncommon that people listen to Harry Reid, Dick Durbin, Nancy Pelosi or even Barack Obama and assume that they are hearing the truth.

imagesnbc

Yes, last Tuesday an NBC website article appeared revealing that (gasp!) the Obama administration knew as early as 2010 that millions (50 to 75 percent) of Americans would not be able to keep their health insurance under Obamacare, despite which fact Our Dear Leader repeatedly and emphatically promised the contrary. Yes, somebody at NBC actually dug up the details and found that the law was rewritten after passage to render its own grandfathering clause impossible to conform to.  For millions of voters who evidently went to the polls believing they were about to get free or “affordable” health insurance or hang onto the plans they were comfortable with, this had the impact of a rogue meteor striking Anytown, USA. Minds were blown, paradigms were shattered, and while good-hearted but weak-witted Obama believers across the fruited plain were bollixed by the sudden effusion of reality from NBC, a previously reliable source of the strict party line, the Obama regime was no less consternated! Calls were made, shouts were shouted into the appropriate receivers, and hence into the appropriate ears at NBC, and the story vanished! Poof! It was gone as mysteriously as it arrived, with nary a bleat of explanation.

Shocked Obama voters discover that Democrats lie!

Shocked Obama voters discover the president lied!

But too many had already remarked the story, and its disappearance became bigger news on the right than the president’s perfidies, which were in any case common knowledge in more dextral environs. And so, the embarrassed yanking of this accidental moment of objective journalism became a source of derisory laughter on the radio right, echoing through the conservative blogosphere, and bestirring curiosity from other, less alert venues of “news.” Now the pressure built on NBC to explain the sudden disappearance, so the network zagged, putting the story back up, blaming a “publication glitch” for its brief excursion in limbo….but the article reappeared without its most damnatory paragraph, to wit:

“None of this should come as a shock to the Obama administration. The law states that policies in effect as of March 23, 2010 will be “grandfathered,” meaning consumers can keep those policies even though they don’t meet requirements of the new health care law. But the Department of Health and Human Services then wrote regulations that narrowed that provision, by saying that if any part of a policy was significantly changed since that date — the deductible, co-pay, or benefits, for example — the policy would not be grandfathered.”

Gosh, and that was our favorite paragraph, too! But too many bloggers had copied the initial story, and ultimately even this most accusatory paragraph had to be restored.  No editorial note has been appended elucidating the paragraph’s previous removal, but we bet it was another publishing glitch—they are epidemic on the Left these days!

And then there were the 2 million bikers who vanished from Washington DC!

imagesf19 vert

Flight 19– “Don’t come after us, they look like they’re from the government!!”

Forget Flight 19, those five Navy “Avenger” TBM aircraft that disappeared in the Bermuda triangle—their story, while piquant, does not begin to compare for scope and strangeness with the events surrounding nearly two million motorcyclists who roared into our nation’s capital on September 11th, partly to put to shame the “Million Muslim March,” (actually about 25 individuals who tastefully chose the anniversary of the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers to assemble in Washington, DC).  But the bikers’ larger goal, as one of them put it, was to bear witness to the fact that “We’ve got to revive our country and do something different than we’re doing. It’s time it had a resurrection.”

Bikers invade Washington DC--and disappear into the media hole!

Bikers invade Washington DC–and disappear into the media hole!

So almost two million noisy bikers crammed the streets of Washington DC for a full day last September, without a permit, and essentially shut the place down. They did so peacefully, and for purely patriotic purposes, and you would be hard pressed to discover anyone who heard a word about it, so silent were the media. Without a leftist template to fit the bikers to, and absent a nasty incident to focus on, the Liberal Establishment simply colluded to wax mute, and the entire event occurred within an eerie pocket of silence—as though the bikers were never there at all. The bikers vowed to return, but in WOOF’s opinion their next target needs to be the various network news offices in New York City!

AND A FINAL, POST APOCALYPTIC VISION:

Say, has anybody seen any GREEN energy? You know, the power of the future that was supposed to guide us into a new 21st Century world of carefree travel and low-cost energy for our homes and businesses? The market sector where so much of the stimulus went that was supposed to repair our highways and bridges? (Probably the President figured we wouldn’t need highways and bridges if we all had flying cars!) Like, where’s that Solyndra outfit? We the people handed them 535 million dollars, so they must be booming right about now, right? Oh, that’s right, they filed for bankruptcy. First Solar—they got 1.46 billion dollars—so where are they just now? Bueller?….Beuller? What about Evergreen Solar, who received a tidy 25 million? Bankrupt? How can this be?  Raser Technologies got 33 million—and went bankrupt. Range Fuels got 80 million—and went bankrupt. Konarka Technologies got 20 million—and, oops, they went bankrupt too. WOOF could go on and on here, gentle readers, truly we could, but we are sensitive to overwhelming you with depressingly redundant detail.

But can we blame the president for putting so much hope, and so much cash, into new, efficient, clean, safe sources of energy? Welll….yeah. We can.

Obama-Solar-Panels-3-2012

Take a gander, if you have the nerve this Halloween, at the post-apocalyptic realm of the Abound Solar Manufacturing Facility in Longmont, Colorado. We the people gave Abound 400 million in stimulus dollars, but when Abound went bankrupt, it didn’t just fade into that good night. It left behind a toxic cesspool of environmental nightmares, known carcinogens, contaminated water tables, and of course a lot of broken glass, because all that solar energy is pretty glass intensive, apparently.  Yes, the Abound fiasco left behind 37,000 square feet of hazardous waste that will cost an estimated 4 million additional dollars to clean up. The offices are falling down, and too contaminated to lease in any case. The idea of selling off inventory to pay for clean up has been abandoned, because there isn’t any. Inventory, including 2,000 finished solar panels that nobody wanted, has vanished…only the toxins and collapsing buildings remain.

The toxic remains of the Abound Facility stand out starkly against the Colorado sky!

The remains of the Abound Facility stand out starkly against the Colorado sky–toxic and glass intensive!

How can this be, gentle readers? Wasn’t it only yesterday (all right, 2010) that Our Beloved Leader told us, among other things, that  “Abound Solar Manufacturing…will manufacture advanced solar panels at two new plants, creating more than 2,000 construction jobs and 1,500 permanent jobs.” Oh well. The only jobs created turned out to be for lawyers and waste-removal bidders, which fact prompted the National Legal and Policy Center to observe:

“If a coal, oil or gas company pulled something like that the EPA would send out SWAT teams and the U.S. Marshals to track down the offenders, bankrupt or not.”

So where were the EPA and its attendant enforcers on this one? The fact is, manufacturing solar panels requires the use of several known carcinogens including cadmium, which is nothing to mess around with—and yet the derelict factory sites of bankrupt green-energy manufacturers are left largely to rot. Is there a reasonable explanation? WOOF hypothesizes that sequestration has limited the EPA’s ability to respond to a full spectrum of environmental threats, requiring them to limit their focus to maximally menacing operations such as those of the Gibson guitar company (which you may recall was raided with “evidence” of illegal wood importation seized on three separate occasions because they gave large amounts of money to Republican candidates), or gold miners in Chicken, Alaska, (WOOF is not making this up) who were raided by heavily armed EPA agents in full body armor in a driving snow storm on suspicion of causing water pollution, (because Our Beloved Leader really dislikes Alaska—guess why),  and rampaging into the Eel River Hydroponics Store in Fortuna, California, M-4s at the ready. We haven’t figured that one out yet at all. But at least the crucial stuff is getting covered!

Our EPA at War

A precision team of EPA commandos moves undeterred through a snow storm in an effort to neutralize the notorious gold miners’ cartel operating out of Chicken, Alaska!

Okay, Woofketeers, we can’t go further into the scariest events of the season without running the risk of becoming one of them ourselves—our heads might explode. So we will conclude this modest offering by wishing those of you who are not offended by the premise, a very merry (Happy? Joyous? Convivial?) Halloween. If you are going trick-or-treating, don’t get run over by any of those DHS Mine Resistant Armored Protection Vehicles, okay? And please make certain that your costume is one that will pass muster at American universities. One that reflects diversity…say, Frankenstein was diverse, wasn’t he? Maybe he’d be okay. And if you get a lot of candy, don’t tell Michelle Obama—she’ll get upset. And don’t come to the WOOF cave—we keep all our candy for ourselves. (Maybe we read too much Ayn Rand.)  Besides, you’d never find us (unless you’re the EPA) and we’re not coming out until all this weirdness subsides!

Talk about diversity--hey--Frankenstein was a whole assortment of dead people, and look behind him! He was into clean energy, too!

Talk about diversity—Frankenstein was a whole assortment of people, wasn’t he? And look behind him! He was into clean energy, too!