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“The Devil and Barack Obama” (Part One: The Early Years)

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on March 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm


Dear Mr. Obama:

Did you ever see the movie Big Jim McLain? We’re guessing probably not—for one thing, it stars John Wayne, and we don’t see you as a John Wayne guy, besides which it opens with a salute to the hard-working members of the House Un-American Activities Committee. We’re guessing you’d rather appear in an NRA commercial than display a scintilla of sympathy for an anticommunist bunch like HUAC.  But that’s not important now. What’s important is Daniel Webster.

The Webster Paradigm

We’ve seen media reports that you’re quite the scholar, Mr. Obama, so we needn’t remind you that Daniel Webster was the American statesman who twice served in the House of Representatives (for New Hampshire and Massachusetts) and then in the Senate (for Massachusetts) between and 1813 and 1827. No, not the guy who wrote the dictionary. That was Noah. No, not the Noah who built the ark—but anyway—the reason we thought of Daniel Webster as we began this effort to help you compose a true accounting of your presidency is because in Big Jim McLain there’s this spooky scene where you see Webster’s gravesite on a lightning-riven night, and the narrator intones these lines from Stephen Vincent Benet:

Webster’s grave as depicted in “Big Jim McLain.”

“Yes, Dan’l Webster’s dead—or, at least, they buried him. But every time there’s a thunderstorm around Marshfield, they say you can hear his rolling voice in the hollows of the sky. And they say that if you go to his grave and speak loud and clear, “Dan’l Webster—Dan’l Webster!” the ground’ll begin to shiver and the trees begin to shake. And after a while you’ll hear a deep voice saying, “Neighbor, how stands the Union?” Then you better answer the Union stands as she stood, rock-bottomed and copper-sheathed, one and indivisible, or he’s liable to rear right out of the ground.”

Please don’t misinterpret that as a threat, sir. True, you wouldn’t pass muster, but we understand your public persona demands pretensions to patriotism, even as you chirpily dissemble your record in that sing-song manner to which we’ve all grown achingly accustomed. You did a good job of this last January on the occasion of your most recent farewell address. Presidents traditionally use such events to voice concerns and hopes for the Nation’s future, but somewhat unsurprisingly, you used the occasion to review what you perceived to be your greatest moments in office.  As journalist Caroline Baum remarked, “Why wait for others to assess your legacy when you can do it yourself?” But even the perspicacious Baum failed to note the dichotomy between the legacy you described, and your actual accomplishments—or between what Comrade Lenin called truth and objective truth.

The long farewell– from a man who says he’s not going anywhere! 

We understand how frustrating it must be to continuously burble misleading flummeries while no proper recognition can be given your genuine achievements as an agent of the Islamo-Fascist Left. Like Dostoyevsky’s Raskolnikov, you must find the thrill of getting away with the perfect crime dampened by the realization that nobody appreciates your brilliance. So in what follows, we at WOOF offer you an opportunity to give a complete accounting of the blows you rained upon the Republic, offered  mainly for the edification of a demonic dyad (see below) uniquely positioned to assess the impact of those blows, as well as to applaud those manifold  instances in which your famously incomputable intellect sufficed to keep you several steps ahead of the  clueless bourgeoisie.

Franklin’s arithmetic:

Ben Franklin wrote that ““Three May Keep a Secret if Two are Dead,” and that’s exactly what occurred to us while pondering how best to help you catalog your rascality without risking discovery by the masses. Our plan works a lot like Binet’s–only without Daniel Webster, of course–he being an old, dead White guy who’d throttle you on sight.  No, for Binet’s framework to fit our purpose, an antithetic approach was required entailing a very different historical icon–one occupying a very different gravesite. An iconic figure sympatico with your unwaivering revolutionary convictions. We refer here, of course, to Fidel Castro.


The Devil and Fidel Castro

fconeYou will doubtless have occasion in the not too distant future to revisit the imprisoned island of Cuba, upon which you recently lavished so much favor, even as you conveyed to its tyrannical leadership so many overt and implicit apologies for the sins of your predecessors. Once arrived and sumptuously quartered in environs palatial enough to gobsmack the average Cuban, you will want to seek out the resting place of Fidel Castro. As you know, his ashes are interred inside a big concrete blob at Santiago’s Santa Iphigenia Cemetery. It’s supposed to be a kernel of corn, but it looks more like the Rubbles’ house in Bedrock. Anyway, the point is, you will want to make a pilgrimage there the better to reenact the Big Jim McLain scene, mutatis mutandis.  We suggest you cry out,  “Primer Ministro Presidente, Comandante Fidel!” And imagine your thrill when he thunders back, “Comrade, how goes the struggle for el socialismo?”

El Comandante’s tomb is supposed to be a kernel of corn. Presumably the designer was shot.

(Except he will probably add remarks amounting to three or four additional hours of your time, in that inimitably loquacious way of his.  So bring a book. After all, Fidel’s penchant for giving five-hour speeches to audiences forbidden to leave their seats on pain of death or imprisonment, makes him the only world leader to have used–and on myriad occasions–even more personal pronouns per speech than yourself.  But then again, because Fidel gave such long speeches, he had more opportunities to praise himself than you had in your (comparatively) brief addresses. Judging the matter on an hourly rather than a per-speech basis, you’d win hands down. Take your speech in Austin back in 2014. You spoke for only 40 minutes, but managed to employ the pronouns “me,” “my,” and “I” one-hundred and ninety-nine times. Did you know, the entire Gettysburg Address only lasted about three minutes?  It contains a measly 272 words– and Lincoln didn’t use a single personal pronoun in the whole speech. What a wallflower!

Print this article!

No place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel's tomb!

No place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s tomb!

So, when Fidel finally finishes you must grab the opportunity to say something like:  ”The struggle for socialism, unh, goes pretty well, and, unh, I really stuck it to the unh, Yanquis who are so stupido they –-hah–elected me for two, unh, consecutive terms, and unh…” And…see the problem? Here’s where WOOF can really help out, because, that’s right: There’s no place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s concrete lump, and even if there were, Cuban electrical power is notoriously spotty—did you remember to apologize for that? Anyway, you know how you get when you try to ad lib! So print these articles out, Mr. President, and bring them with you (if you can even get WOOF articles into Cuba, which come to think of it probably isn’t all that easy, but you’ve got pull.) Stick to our comprehensive script and we bet Fidel will just about jump right out of his cement blob and give you a big comradely smooch.

Iblis, aka Shaitan–the most important audience member!

But don’t draw the line at impressing your hero in the big grey blob…no, he’s just the intermediary–like a medium at a seance–or a big cigar-chomping ouija board. What matters most is to impress the big guy himself–El Diablo. You know: Iblīs— did we get that right?–you know who we’re talking about, and he’ll be listening all right, Mr, President–the third person in Franklin’s trilogy. Okay, he’s not dead like Fidel, but he’s not alive like we mortals–so Franklin’s maxim still applies. The Devil can keep a secret all right! So here’s what to say; stick to the script we’ve provided and you’ll do fine!

———Begin reading your statement HERE, Mr. President: ————

Carl Davidson’s articles appeared in “FORWARD,” a journal named for the classic battle cry of the Marxist Left. By complete coincidence, that was also my campaign slogan in 2012!

“To begin with, right from birth I was the cause of confusion and dissent, only most of it didn’t boil over until I ran for president. See, I was born on August 4th in Mombasa—that’s in Kenya—in 1961, just a year before the Americans blundered into the Bay of Pigs, isn’t that right Comandante? LOL! Anyway, I always told everyone I was born in Kenya; but by the time I was running for senate, comrades like Bill Ayers, Bernardine Dohrn, and Carl Davidson— started to worry abut that.  I know the Comandante knows Carl, because he personally contacted him and told him America was ready for revolution, remember? Anyway, as soon as my fellow radicals,  ex-weather underground mentors and a few of my favorite CPUSA-type professors came up with the idea of my national political career, they pointed out I had to be born in America—just in case I ever tried running for president. Those were some smart folks, guys—I mean—Fidel and—Mr. Devil, sir, or…can I call you Iblis? Maybe just Old Nick!

Bill and Bernardine: My staunch supporters, advisors, and political advocates in Chicago, pictured here in more carefree times.

Multiple births, multiple mysteries:

“After all the advice I got, I realized I was probably born in Honolulu, Hawaii, (coincidentally, on the same day that I was born in Mombasa) so Hawaii became my updated birthplace, even though I seem to have registered as a foreign student in college. And there were all those brochures left around from 1995 publicizing my forthcoming book, Journeys in Black and White–which never actually forthcame, heh, heh,  saying  I ‘was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.’  In fact, my Kenyan birth was still going strong as recently as 2007 as publicity for my next book–which actually did get written.  I liked the Kenyan version because being a real African always impresses “African Americans” cuz, let’s face it, the majority of ’em couldn’t find Africa on a map–and real Africans always leave white liberal academicians gasping in awe, so the Kenyan angle worked great. To tell you the truth, near as I’m able, I’m not exactly sure where I was born anymore–I was pretty young at the time. But  I think we can agree that confusion is a mighty weapon we wield against the forces of capitalism, reaction, and  all those backward hayseed southern fundamentalist churches that won’t support partial-birth abortion or transgender bathroom rights…you know, like the Catholics.

“But honestly, fellas, the truth is, Hillary really did start the whole “birther” thing back in ’08, like Trump said, only I’d never tell anybody else that. For starters, she sees all these memos and oppo-research findings about my total disconnect from anything authentically American–a fact I take great pride in, by the way–but politically not so good! Next, in unmistakable Clinton style– the emails get ‘leaked’ saying I’m Kenyan–or Jakartan, or Indonesian–and when everybody runs back to Hillary and asks her ‘Why are you sayin’ all this horrible stuff about Barack?’ (Because by then, remember, the media were trampling her in a mad rush over to my side), so she just pulls that bug-eyed face of hers where she looks like she’s never ever been so shocked in her life, you know–eye balls popping out of her head–and –classic Clinton–she turns around and fires the loyal staffers she had leaking this stuff, and tells the press, ‘oh–we traced those memos to a few renegade staffers but I got rid of them.’

“I mean those Clintons, you gotta admire their style– their knack for looking self righteous while they pump out whatever garbage they just made up– I have to say, I’m a big fan.  I’ve certainly tried doing it like that, but when I go for indignation I just come off snotty, so mostly I try to act suave and highbrow, but that bores people after a while, except Charlie Rose. I think I’m going more urban Black from here on out, droppin’ muh final G’s, an’ soundin’ like ah’m from the Chicago hood ‘stead of Indonesia by way of Hawaii. And just between us comrades, thousands of my admirers will totally buy the idea that I’m all of a sudden talking like Charlie Rangel or somebody, because, let’s face it, they’re morons–but I say, praise Allah for making so gosh darn many of ’em! Can I get an amen?

The road to the Whitehouse…

Me and George.

“Okay, some funny things happened on my way to the Oval Office–at first, of course, I didn’t think I could win. Like everybody, I figured Hillary was a shoe in, so  I just wanted to get my face out there.  I never doubted I could beat John McCain–that guy has the electability of a brain damaged tuber–plus, I swear he was rooting for Hillary–but  everything changed when the mainstream media just all of a sudden seemed to decide I was the guy. Like somebody pulled a switch. Okay, let’s face it, somebody did–so let’s give kudos to George Soros here, before I go any farther.  Me and George go back to 2004 when he threw me a fundraiser at his New York mansion. Up until then, there wasn’t any real money behind me because most of my supporters were communists or former Weather Underground terrorists– and the only work those people can get with that kind of background is pretty much limited to tenured positions at major universities. But Soros smeared my opponent and got me elected in Illinois, after which I served about 700 days, and ran for President!

Wright and Wrong

“Don’t turn your back on Islamic tradition–I’m still in the Bible!”

“So the next big deal was my history at Jeremiah Wright’s church, which we thought might end my chances, because there’s tons of video tape of him saying stuff like ‘God damn America’ and ranting about the Jews, and White people, except that none of the mainstream networks played those parts. So, I just claimed I sat in his church for 20 years, and never heard a word, which was obviously ridiculous—especially with him being my kids’ Godfather and one of my books being dedicated to him and quoting him about “the white man’s greed”and stuff–but the liberal media held solid and covered it up.  In retrospect, we totally overestimated the damage Wright could do me—first because voters just dopily accepted the idea that I sat nodding like a bobble doll in his church for 20 years and never heard a word he said, but also when stuff came out about how he’d mentored me and counseled me politically the whole time, we just called it right-wing nonsense. When it came out he taught Liberation Theology, which is really Marxism, as you fellas well know, the press didn’t go near it. And when that jackass Ed Klein came out with his interview asking Wright if he converted me from Islam to Christianity, Wright tells Klein, “I don’t know about that… I can tell you I made it easy for him to come to an understanding of who Jesus Christ is and not feel that he was turning his back on…his Islamic traditions and his understanding of Islam,” —that could’ve blown me out of the water. But none of our media comrades touched it—even though a few of them know—cuz they’re mostly dumber than bricks–but a few of them must know that Jesus is in the Quran—he just isn’t a very big deal.

“But then Jeremiah goes totally nuts and gives a speech to the National Press Club. I was still pretty new at the game, so I had the Secret Service sneak me in to try talking him out of the speech—we even secretly tried bribing him to the tune of 150,000 dollars to shut up—which was a lot of bread for us before we got our hands on the money machine–but he goes ahead and gives the speech—and what were we even worried about? It was like it never happened. You know what the press talked about? McCain’s imaginary mistress!

“And the same thing happened with Bill Ayers—who bombed the Pentagon and married Bernadine Dorne—who also bombed the capital and the Pentagon—and here they paved the way for me into Chicago politics, helped mentor me, gave me my big political send-off at their suburban home, and Bill even wrote most of my book for me—the first one, the literate one—and he even gets me on the same board of directors as him for three years—and and guess what? Steffy—you know—Comrade Stephanopoulos over at ABC who reminded me I wasn’t  Muslim when I goofed and said I was? Well, he asks me, do you know this dude? And I say, ”This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood’ and that’s all there was to it—the only people who gave a damn after that were on FOX News, which we have yet to destroy, comrades.

Gosh, it’s Reverend Wright, Bill Ayers (that guy down the street) and Bernardine Dohrn. They must be Christians too, LOL!

Arugula, and other discontents….

Comrade Frank Davis: Communist activist, the father I didn’t have to dream about.

“Same deal with the books. Lotsa people bought ’em, but I guess nobody ever read ’em, because they were full of praise for Marxists, radicals, and anti-semites, plus my childhood spent imbibing the wisdom of arch communist activist Frank Marshall Davis, when I wasn’t studying Islam.  And all my bloopers, heck, they ignored those too. During the campaign when I told reporters I’d been to 57 states and had one to go, SNOPES actually claimed I made sense! I told a national audience my maternal granny didn’t trust Blacks cuz she was ‘a typical White person….’ after which I got caught on a live mic describing people in the Midwest as “bitterly clinging to their guns and their religion.” Ha, but even that didn’t go much farther than the right-wing blogs and radio shows. I  said Hillary’s primary win in Kentucky was because she was better known, being from the neighboring state of Arkansas–then I found out Kentucky is actually next door to my home state. Illinois, that is–not Hawaii, which is in Asia—but aren’t all those southern states supposed to be down south? And then there was the whistle stop where I asked the crowd,  “Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and seen what they charge for arugula?” Turns out nobody had. Boy, I had to drop a lot of final “g’s” to make up for that one!

And whenever someone to the right of Che Guevara needs to be smeared, you can ALWAYS count on good old Jan Wenner and  Rolling Stone!

“And of course I told Joe the Plumber he’d be better off if we spread his wealth around, which is crazy, cuz once we redistribute income, Joe’ll be plumbing for the socialist collective for peanuts, but again, it was sloughed off by everyone except that whole Hannity, Limbaugh, O’Reilly bunch—and our people dug into that plumber guy and nearly demolished him with smears and negative press. Chicago rules, right? If you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment!  But anyway, I get the nomination, mainly because the press all switched to me from Clinton with two snaps of the fingers–first Soros’s, and second, Zbigniew Brzezinski’s over at the Trilateral Commission–and those folks are some dedicated idealists! 

As the tide recedes….


“I get elected, which surprises absolutely nobody by then, least of all that zombie McCain– and I’m on the cover of every magazine on every news stand, and supermarkets are selling me on t-shirts and commemorative plates with my big grinning face on them, Pepsi changes its logo to look like mine, and school kids are singing about me the way they used to sing about Papa Doc Duvalier in where was that– Guatamala? And I give that speech with the Greek columns and the reverb thing on my voice, and I tell everybody ‘this was the moment the sick got cared for, the moment there were good jobs for the jobless—the moment the rise of the oceans began to slow and the planet started healing’—can you believe that schlock? But everybody practically swooned. It’s just like P.T. Bailey used to say, there’s an idiot born every second! And to cap it off, the next thing I know I win the Nobel Prize—for what? Even I couldn’t figure it out! I don’t think those old white farts in Stockholm knew why either–but like that skinny girl with the big breasts said in that video that went viral–they all had a crush on Obama!

Reverb on the microphone and Greek columns–because good taste is timeless!

The trillion dollar misunderstanding….

“I pledged to balance the budget in my first year in office. Seriously? I actually hiked the national debt by 6 trillion and managed to take an economy weakened by the housing collapse and the bank crisis, and drive it further into recession and debt by ramming through my trillion-dollar ‘stimulus’ program. I called it the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, but there wasn’t any recovery because instead of reinvestment, we did redistribution, mainly of the middle class’s tax dollars into all kinds of worthy projects such as stimulating the economies of Finland,  Indonesia, India, Mexico, China, the Dominican Republic, Thailand, Vietnam, Italy, Russia, Luxembourg, El Salvador, Spain, and France.  I told reporters ‘the stimulus won’t cost taxpayers a dime,’ and did they investigate that? Of course not! Can you even imagine SNOPES looking at something like that? Heck, they’d’ve co-signed my baloney! Nope, the press just ‘reported’ it! Not that we neglected the domestic side. We gave billions to supporters like Elon Musk, NRG Solar, Siga Technologies, and so on. You know how to borrow a whole bunch of campaign money and get tons of free, influential support? One word: Solyndra! They donated massively to my ’08 campaign, lobbied for me like crazy–heck, their top executives met with me regularly at the White House even after I got elected. They bet a load of money on me, so no wonder I ‘stimulated’ them in return with $535 million. Once they got it, they folded, of course–how’re you gonna sell hundreds of defective solar panels? Earlier, I told everyone Solyndra was going to mean 4,000 new jobs, so the New York Times said I failed “to properly evaluate the company’s business proposals.” And they say the press is never critical of me!

Me, balancing the budget, LOL!

Save the marsh mice! (Screw the eagles!)

Eagles…who needs ’em?

“I told everyone the money was ‘going to help those hardest hit by the economic crisis,’ and those Ferbies on the networks just repeated that guff, along with all that ‘shovel-ready jobs’ manure.  Meanwhile we built a high-speed rail system in California that connects nowhere with nothing for a mere $4.3 billion; we handed $128 million to backers who constructed a bridge between Palm City and Stuart, Florida, right next to the bridge that already does that.  We gave an Indiana company $118.5 million to pioneer new vistas in electric-car battery technology, only they filed for bankruptcy instead. The Canandaigua Wind Farm did just fine after receiving $61.8 million to build turbines and towers—probably because it was doing just fine already, having built all those things a year earlier. Meanwhile I got the EPA to okay windmills killing hundreds of American eagles, just as long as they died green, but we spent $16.1 million to save the San Francisco Bay area habitat of the Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse–and, (and this is my personal favorite)–we  forked over half a million dollars of taxpayer funds to support the creation of Yoga classes in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Say, maybe Hillary will relocate! So next I nationalize a few banks and take over GM and Chrysler, ban the word “Chevy” and build the Volt.

“The infrastructure continued to crumble, but nobody minded; I told the Press Club, ‘There weren’t as many shovel-ready jobs as we thought!’ and everybody laughs and slaps their thighs, like, okay, Barack, no big deal, buddy! Truth is, the stimulus didn’t create any lasting jobs for working Americans– but we kept people thinking it did. This total genius, Ed Pound, over at this joke called the Recovery Accountability and Transparency Board, comes up with the idea of reporting how many jobs we created  ‘or saved!’ Brilliant! Of course, we never did say which were which, and you can’t prove a negative, so if I say I’ve created or saved one million jobs, how do you know I didn’t save 999,999 of them, including yours, and maybe just created one?  And every summer we trot Biden out to tell everyone its ‘recovery summer!’ and we get Al Gore to say, ‘the stimulus worked!’ Talk about gaseous emissions! Okay, just one time, ABC slipped up and reported that 79 percent of wind-power money got spent in foreign countries–and even Chuck Schumer got pee-ohed. But you know Jewish liberals–they always fall back in line–so to speak–hey, did I do a microaggression there? LOL!

The best of everything!

Killing Mubarak, Gadaffi, and–oops–my own ambassador…..

Me and Mubarak–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, suckah!

“Meanwhile, in foreign policy, I totally screwed over our allies in Poland and the Czech Republic by cancelling the missile defense programs Bush negotiated. At home, I cut funding for that dopey star wars thing Reagan started to protect us from enemy missiles, and totally humiliated Benjamin Netanyahu, who’s Jewish, by ditching him and his posse in the East Wing when he refused to let me dictate what concessions Israel needed to offer the Palestinians. I sent him out the back door after he waited for me to finish dinner without him, so he had to walk past the trash cans! I sent Winston Churchill’s bust back to the British Imperialists who put my daddy in prison for trying to communize Kenya, and I ordered Hillary to pull the rug out from under Mubarak, that long-time pro-American toady in Egypt. So much for rubber stamping American strategic interests, allowing our  warships priority access to the Suez Canal, letting our aircraft use his airspace–and playing Mr. Softy with Israel! Out he went!

Me and Gadaffi–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, suckah!

“Next I persuade Hillary–who knows as much about foreign policy as she does about housekeeping–to help Mohammed Morsi and his Muslim Brotherhood take over Egypt–and I mean, this guy is a great choice–he thinks Jews evolved from pigs and he’s all about destroying the state of Israel–heck,the whole Muslim Brotherhood is just a wing of Hamas. So  he gets in and I send him 400 army tanks and a bunch of those F-whatever-they-call-’em airplanes–because he’s going to need ’em,  surrounded by a hostile state like Israel–and the whole thing looks perfect–we had the media in the U.S. calling it “Arab Spring!” So what happens? Some reactionary army general named Sissy–I swear, that’s his name– kicks Morsi out and takes over–and man, I threw a fit about it–I made every kind of threat I could think of–but Sissy was too dumb to feel threatened, I guess.

Gadaffi–last day on the job.

“Now, in Libya–this Gaddafi guy got bombed by Reagan way back in the day and got cold feet about blowing up Jews and Americans–and next he tells that “W” cracker he’s giving up his nuclear program so we don’t have to worry about him getting A-bombs or funding terrorists…boy, he never saw me coming! We bombed the crap out of him,which was pretty much illegal, but oh well–and when he finally tries to leave town and his own people grab him, strap him to some car and take turns stabbing him and shooting him–and Hillary goes on CBS and tells some brain-dead reporter ‘we came, we saw, he died!’ and she cackles that blood curdling cackle of hers– and I think, good grief, we can’t let people see this, it’s obscene! But you know what? Just more “Arab spring!”  Gaddafi was gone, Libya’s economy was ruined, there was no functioning authority, and terrorist factions devoted to killing Jews and Christians were left scrapping over the remains!

So then Hillary goes on CBS and brays like a jackass about it–really! How’d she ever think she could get elected dogcatcher?

How red was my Valerie!

“So Hillary’s so messed up she can’t walk straight, literally–and I’m thinkin’ this cows gotta go; but first we get this perfect opportunity to work with brother Morsi in Egypt to accomplish a mutual goal, namely freeing the Blind Sheikh. See, Americans are only interested in the dumb crap you wave right under their noses, so nobody remembers the Blind Sheikh bombed the World Trade Center during Bill Clinton’s administration, and even though the towers didn’t come down, Clinton had to throw the Sheikh in prison– a political prisoner if ever there was one! Naturally this infuriates the ‘Arab Street,’ and it drives my radical professor, lawyer, and ex-weather-underground comrades crazy, too, not to mention Valerie Jarrett! You know Valerie, right, fellas? She’s the Iranian communist Soros appointed as my chief of staff–man, she makes Van Jones look like Barry Goldwater! So all these folks are telling me we oughta do something to free the Blind Sheikh, but I can’t just pardon the guy–people would start to question my motives–and obviously my motives were the most closely guarded secret of my presidency! So what to do?

Sadly, the Sheikh, Omar Abdel-Rahman, died in prison–but we did our best!

“Well, Mohammed Morsi over in Cairo–did I tell you he rewrote the entire Egyptian constitution in one night? What a cool dude–anyway, Morsi is also totally committed to the Sheikh–he’s Morsi’s idol–so we come up with this really cool idea: Instead of just letting the guy go, which would  baffle the bourgeoisie, what if there was a hostage swap? What if an important member of the American diplomatic corpse was kidnapped overseas by a bunch of Muslims–only these would be good, ordinary Muslims who were really mad because, let’s say, some Christian in America made a movie critical of Mohammad. The Prophet, that is, not Morsi. And what if they demanded the Sheikh be freed from political prison and exchanged for the hostage? Like most great plans, this one was simple–and nearly foolproof.  Hillary would strip the consulate in Libya of its normal security and replace it with some local militia guys who weren’t worth bupkis.  Pleas to have the security restored and enhanced would be ignored. The patsy we picked to be kidnapped–the unwitting Ambassador–a friend of Hillary’s– would be snatched by overwhelming numbers of heavily armed, highly trained Ansar al-Sharia terrorists posing as disgruntled movie goers, and I would have no choice but to swap out the Blind Sheik for our guy, because my humanitarian concern would be so–you know–so overwhelming and stuff. Besides, the whole mad-about-a-movie angle would make it look like I was negotiating with a group of indignant cinema critics, not terrorists! What could go wrong?

SEALS of disapproval

Shoot, shoot, shoot!–and what could have been resolved quietly over the course of a few years becomes a case of mindless butchery at sea! I ask you, who were the real pirates in this scenario?

“I’ll tell you what went wrong–and not for the first time! It was those same same warmonger SEALs I’d tangled with early in ’09 when Somali pirates were holding an American ship captain hostage on a lifeboat.  One of our destroyer boats butts in, but I give very clear orders that any idiot could understand: Don’t do anything or intervene in any way unless the pirates are definitely gonna kill the guy, which won’t happen, because they need him–he’s a hostage, right? So the Somalis should have easily gotten the American captain to the African coast and hidden him inland, no problems, everyone fine–but no! The destroyer boat’s captain colludes with those SEAL maniacs to deconstruct my orders and they decide that just because one of the pirates happens to point his gun in the captain’s direction, the guy’s life is threatened–so bangity-bang, they shoot all the Somalis in the head–a disgusting bloodbath–and rescue the hostage, and I have to act as if I like it. As if I thought of it! Man, that had me steaming.


Ambassador Stevens, last day on the job.

“Okay, back to Benghazi. All I know is third hand, really because I was asleep in bed during the actual incident. Why bother hanging in the Situation Room, when I planned the situation, right? Hillary wasn’t there either–we all wanted to look surprised so we could say we didn’t send any rescue forces because it all happened so fast–which it would have, except for those damn Army SEALS!  Valerie’s in the situation room, handling what is supposed to be a perfectly routine seizure of American diplomatic personnel by irate Muslims, and everything’s going well. All of a sudden, a couple of those SEAL crazies decide to disregard all Valerie’s orders to do nothing, and instead they go do something–and the whole thing turns into this huge, all-night-long battle and when it’s all over and I wake up in the morning, we have a dead Ambassador because the Ansar al-Sharia guys lost their temper when those SEAL soldiers started shooting them, and we have no hostage swap, because who wants a dead Ambassador? And we have this other embassy dude dead, plus the two SEAL guys are dead–which serves them right for acting like Clint Eastwayne and disobeying direct orders–like, don’t they teach you to obey orders at SEAL camp?

So tell me, if the Left owns Hollywood, how on earth does a disaster like this movie manage to escape? Curse you Michael Bay–you can bet you’re getting audited!

“This makes the cover up pretty messy. Susan Rice, one of my Administration’s top up-and-coming Maoists, goes on every media outlet available all weekend, sticking to the story that some movie about Muslims is the reason everybody suddenly went nuts in Libya. I go make a speech at the UN and tell the same ridiculous story, and I blame American religious intolerance for the whole fiasco, saying, “a crude and disgusting video sparked outrage throughout the Muslim world.” Ha! Nobody’d ever seen the dumb thing except  a dozen people at some backroom showing in L.A., but I stood up there and lied up a storm, and everybody applauded. Even better, I took the opportunity to make a pitch for government control of the Internet so that in the future no more innocent people would get killed by Muslims justifiably upset by unregulated free speech! Never let a crisis go to waste!

Thank goodness for comrades like Samantha Power. When Susan Rice got in trouble for lying about Benghazi, Samantha, my favorite Jane Fonda admirer, took her place at the UN.  

“Hillary even told the parents and spouses of the dead Americans that we were going to get that guy who made the video—which came back to bite her after they found out it was total bull. The story didn’t stretch very well to explain a 13 hour battle with massed forces armed with mortars and RPGs during which nobody tried to help. We did throw Nakoula–the guy who made the video–in prison for insulting the Prophet, and he’d still be there if it was up to me. Sadly, the Blind Sheikh remained in prison and died there just a few weeks ago–and even sadder: Morsi’s in prison now too, since that Sissy guy took over Egypt–but Arab Spring was fun while it lasted! I finally ditched Hillary and replaced her with Comrade John Kerry–a diplomat so shrewd, there was already a plaque in his honor in Hanoi!

Incomplete successes….

“Sure, we had a few failures, and I’m big enough to admit it. We had this great website where citizens could go to report any neighbors, relatives, friends, or teachers who were talking trash about my policies—and it contained lots of reassurances for the public, such as, ‘For the record, the President has consistently said that if you like your insurance plan, your doctor, or both, you will be able to keep them.’ Poor, uninformed souls who didn’t believe stuff like that could be reported and receive educational outreach. Ha! Re-educational outreach is more like it. But so many people whined about it, we had to drop the idea. Even some liberals criticized it—like, what kind of liberal is against squelching criticism?

It’s not as though “re-education” is anything new. Pol Pot pretty much perfected it in the ’70s!

Pearls before swine in Copenhagen!

“One huge downer was earlier when Michelle and I flew to Copenhagen where they supposedly loved me because of the whole Nobel Prize thing, and we explained how important it was to me to make Chicago the site of the next Olympics–I gave this great speech mentioning myself 26 times in 44 sentences after which Michelle made an impassioned plea and mentioned  herself 44 times in 41 sentences– which I happen to know because that dirpy George Will guy–is he Jewish?–counted them, but the worst part was that even after we gave our time to fly over there and explain everything, that pack of White European ingrates gave the games to Rio–so that made for a long ride home. Even word that the number of Americans on food stamps was increasing by 11,000  a day  couldn’t cheer us up, thanks to those racist morons on the Olympic committee!

So it turns out I gave Chief Medicine Crow the Freedom Medal, which is different from the Congressional one somehow or other–and on top of that, the stupid Indian wasn’t even there!

“We had problems like Fort Hood where that oppressed Muslim officer shot a bunch of military types. I took the occasion to give shout-outs to my friends and staff and got everyone to applaud this Indian in the audience. I said he won the Congressional Medal of Honor, only he wasn’t there–and it turned out I really gave him the Freedom Medal, which is different, evidently, and besides everyone said I should’ve been solemn because Hasan just shot all those soldiers, but hey, nobody likes a Debbie Downer, right? And of course there was that dumb skeet shooting thing when I said I shot skeet ‘all the time’ at Camp David–like what are skeet, exactly? Anyway, we tried to back it up with that unfortunate photo–man, that was a mistake.  I don’t even want to talk about that one!

Despite firm White House warnings that nobody was allowed to photoshop my skeet-shooting photo, some jerks remained insufficiently intimidated!

Who needs political radio anyway? Radio used to be plenty entertaining without all that right-wing talk!

In all fairness…

“We also sent out a bunch of trial balloons about reinstating the Fairness Doctrine, but as usual, the reactionaries pitched a fit.  What do people have against fairness? Why should they just get to listen to what they wanna listen to?  Hey, before Reagan revoked the Fairness Doctrine we had “Tradio,” which nobody wanted to listen to, music shows, call-in psychics, car and financial advice, plus sports. What else do you need on the radio? All radio hosts were liberal, because that’s what the FCC called mainstream, and you don’t owe anyone equal time if you’re mainstream. Then Reagan ditches the rules and—bang!—you’ve got  Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Larry Ingraham, Mark Levi…they’re everywhere! So we tried to get back to where station owners had to put three hours of liberal commentators on if they ran someone like Limbaugh for three hours. Of course,most people don’t like listening to liberals (even liberals!), which is why you can’t find Air America on your dial anymore! So the owners lose money, so they cancel the liberals–which means they also have to get rid of Limbaugh and switch to 24-hours of self-help babble or sportscasting. Sadly, we failed to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, but we’ll rename it eventually and try again!

“We didn’t do any better at getting rid of FOX news, by the way—like when I had them locked out of our press briefings, man, everyone was up in arms. When I sent government employees to sit in their studios and monitor FOX’s broadcasts ‘to assure objectivity,’ they didn’t even care. Clearly, this remains a work in progress.

Killing Osama

“Also during my first term, I had to kill Osama Bin Laden–well, not me personally. Right from the start, I refused to approve any strikes on bin Laden.  Valerie and me–we were looking for ways around it–but the whole chiefs of whatever those pentagony militarists call themselves, they got to the point where I could see them leaking to the press if I didn’t act on the available info. In my defense, Mr. Nick, sir, I cancelled the darn operation at least three times! But after cancelling mission after mission I started looking like a wimp. Me, a wimp? Heck, I debated Alan Keyes! I tried to cancel the final mission–the fatal one–too, but those joint chief guys and even Panetta and believe it or not even Hillary pretty much bullied me into going ahead. Valerie said we had to give into the jingoists and besides, she said I might even get re-elected if I ‘got’ bin Laden–Americans seem to have an irrational hatred for the guy.

“But those SEALS didn’t just catch him, oh no! They shot him to bits and pieces. I had to say that we buried him at sea to get around showing the body–but I left that Pakistani doctor who ratted on Osama rotting in prison over there, so good luck collecting his twenty-five million! I also violated operational protocols and outed SEAL Team 6 as the trigger happy bunch that did the dirty deed–and as we all know, SEAL Team 6 was mysteriously blown to bits shortly afterwards when they were rushed aboard a big, slow, cargo helicopter and sent without any air cover into a known danger zone full of Taliban who seemed–heh, heh–to have been tipped off. Ka-boom! But I wasn’t finished! I found out they liked to wear those stupid ‘don’t tread on me’ tea=bagger flags on their uniforms–so I banned them! ‘Too radical,’ I told them! Like I said earlier, you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment!  Anyway, all in all, comrades, I hope we can agree that killing Osama was a necessary evil.

See that? Mess with the Man and say goodbye to your dumbass tea-bag flag!

“To sum up the rest of my first term, comrades, it went pretty smoothly. Eric Holder botched ‘Fast and Furious’ by getting caught, but the mainstream press wouldn’t talk about it, and we succeeded in arming the drug cartels. We overturned Arizona’s effort to pass some fascist law saying that they were going to enforce federal immigration laws even if I didn’t, and when that Jan Brewer hag got all up in my face about it on the runway, the press all said Governor Brewer was horribly disrespectful of me, so how dare she, right? Let’s face it, that kind of disrespect is only okay for Donald Trump! Ha!  And when the congress got antsy about all my deficit spending and tried to look responsible—which is a laugh, because they were so scared of me it was amazing—they did that sequestration thing, and all I had to do was shut down tours of the White House and throw a bunch of octogenarian war veterans out of some war memorials and say, see—see what those heartless Republicans did? Worked like a charm.

Close the fire department!

Ha, it costs nothing to keep war memorials open, and a fortune to police shutting them down–but it was worth it to see those geezer vets get turned away!

“That’s the first rule of maintaining socialist programs in a free republic, guys—as soon as they try to cut spending, close the fire department. As soon as they want to trim the fat or cut the pork out of some major boondoggle, threaten the oldsters and the vets. Works every time, and the press played it up like it was the GOP’s fault even after my emails colluding with the Department of the Interior to harass the vets got exposed by National Review--whatever that is!

“Unemployment went to new heights, but by assuming anybody who gave up looking for work no longer counted as unemployed, we hid the 11 percent unemployment figure. The media kept the real figures under wraps even when I finished my first term with two million fewer people working than when I took office, but I told the country I’d  ‘created or saved’ 4 million jobs…even though that meant I must’ve destroyed six million jobs, but hey, that’s another six million people who need government money to survive—and I call that progressive, comrades!

Never mind the math! This is my Secretary of Labor looking insulted!

“A bunch of conservatives like that Allen West guy, who’s Black, if you can believe it, started saying that the Department of Labor’s figures were “ludicrous,” and that capitalist pig Jack Welsh tweeted “..these Chicago guys will do anything–can’t debate so they change numbers,” so I just have my Labor Secretary says she’s “insulted,” and the story turns into this old rich White CEO bullying this poor, hardworking, Latina civil servant who’s also female—ha–this is why you appoint minorities to these positions, comrades! Never mind if they need it or deserve it, the PC political climate we’ve created makes criticizing them political suicide!

My promising career….

“As for promises kept? I did sign an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay’s detention camp–I just never actually closed it! But I freed a lot of the worst terrorists there who returned to the struggle for Islam on battle fronts in the Middle East. I promised to reduce American and Russian nuclear stockpiles, and I reduced ours tremendously while Russia actually increased theirs -but hey, it’s America that needs to come off it’s high horse, and Russia never keeps agreements anyhow. That’s when I got caught on a live mic begging Medvedev to tell Putin I could disarm faster after I got re-elected, which would’ve ended any Republican’s career, but nope—our media comrades buried it totally. I claimed I’d ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but  the terrorists nearly took back Iraq, and we’re still in Afghanistan, and I created a new war in Syria and fought an unconstitutional air war in Libya allowing terrorist factions to seize power.


To infinity, and–never mind!

“I promised to make NASA ‘a robust program of space exploration and scientific discovery.’  Told everyone we’d return to the moon and land on ‘other distant destinations, including Mars.’ But that was all baloney. Thing is, even liberals like space stuff, so that was a crowd pleaser. In reality, I cut NASA’s budget, our Astronauts had to ride Russian rockets to reach orbit, and I re-tasked NASA with Muslim outreach, telling the new Director I wanted him to ‘reach out to the Muslim world and engage …with dominantly [sic] Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering.’ I had NASA focus on promoting global warming, too, until those 49 former NASA scientists and astronauts came out in 2012 and called it all nonsense. I can’t control everyone. Astronauts are almost as bad as SEALS, and it took a lot of effort to keep the story our of the mainstream!

And for my next trick…

I called ISIS the Junior Varsity, and then I called them ISIL to make my cultural sophistication obvious. But I never actually did much to stop them.

“To cap off my first term, I politicized the IRS  into a wing of the DNC, denying tax-free status to any Tea Party applicants. I laid our borders wide open to absolutely anybody who felt like coming into the country, ignored my constitutional obligation to deport illegal immigrants already in the United states, changed the rules of Obamacare without approval from congress whenever it seemed convenient, used the EPA to conduct a war against the coal industry, ordered intelligence reports altered to make my ‘war on terror’ look successful, and made the growth of ISIL possible by withdrawing from Iraq prematurely.

“My greatest achievement of course, was socializing American Medicine over the protests of a majority of Americans by ‘deeming’ Obamacare to have passed, after illegally conniving with House and Senate leaders to offer sweetheart deals to Democrat politicians so they’d pretend to like it! Reducing the best medical care system anywhere in the world to something resembling the DMV, only run by the IRS, was quite a feat. And they’ll never be able to get rid of it–NEVER! The media won’t let ’em and the GOP doesn’t have the guts! And as  icing on the cake, we spent 600 million on a website teenagers could have designed for peanuts, and found out it didn’t work. So we spent $2.1 billion repairing it.  Look, free health care doesn’t come cheap!

The only part of Obamacare that actually worked was the pretty girl’s face on the website–and she turned out not to be a citizen and said she wasn’t signing up–so we ditched her.

“I illegally nationalized the American auto industry and illegally reorganized it to enrich union leaders while shafting shareholders; I illegally targeted conservatives with the IRS, BATF and OSHA, militarized the Department of the Interior to threaten ranchers, forcibly federalized local police departments by concocting claims of racism;  promoted voter fraud by using the Justice Department to prevent states from issuing or requiring voter IDs, ignored a court order to lift my  illegal ban on deep water drilling in the Gulf, used the resources of the Department of Justice to ramp up public opinion against George Zimmerman, illegally swapped three top ranking terrorists for that deserter guy Bergdahl– with the same name as my dog– who defected to Al Qaida but got homesick; and I established an illegal ‘phone tax’ through the FCC so ‘every school child in America could have Internet service’—which never happened, but the tax is still there. I also got caught altering press conference tapes to remove embarrassing moments, and conspired to remove evidence of radical Islamic connections from criminal events like the Orlando shootings, which I preferred to blame on a homophobic NRA.

“And did I mention Common Core? Our bogus educational initiative actually turned what was left of America’s elementary schools into Marxist/Islamic indoctrination centers! Yep—all in all it was a good first term. And I was only getting started, comrades! There was plenty more to come!”

WTSCTGU file photo

The worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us. (file copy).

[Well, Mr. President, what do you think so far? Obviously your achievements on behalf of the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy (as we here at WOOF like to call it) are far too extensive to be summed up in just one installment. So PLEASE don’t go jetting off to Havana until you have the complete set, all right? Fidel isn’t going anywhere, and Old Scratch is infamously patient–so bear with us while we prepare the second installment of your career in review! As you know, it tops even your first four years of unparalleled vision and lengthy vacations, so stay tuned. And meanwhile, rehearse your delivery on this first chapter! We want it just right for the big moment! Remember–no sing-song!]WOOF PRINT


BEWARE THE ATTACK OF THE WOUNDED DUCK! (Why Obama’s post-political phase means it’s not safe to go back in the water!)

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on November 30, 2014 at 5:54 pm


We know that many of you are jubilant in the wake of November’s election results, and we here at WOOF do not mean to give an impression of indifference– but at the same time we are alarmed by the amount of palaver we’ve  audited about the “lame-duck” status of Barack Obama in the face of what clearly amounts to  a significant rejection of his policies and principles by the American electorate. Certainly, the forlorn lot of the presidential lame duck is a well-established and oft-referenced condition of the office, and a staple of American political tradition. Bill Clinton even produced a humorous video about the general sense of ennui besetting his final White-House days as a proverbial lame duck.  On the off chance that any of our readers doubts us, or has nothing better to devote five minutes of his lifetime to than watching the Big Bubba hamming it to the unendurable max, we offer said video here!  Whether you watch it or not, it serves nowadays as a bittersweet reminder of a time in which even the most ardent left-wing mountebank could face his political denouement with something approximating acceptance…even grace.

RIP, Hugh Sidney--if you were alive, this would kill you!

RIP, Hugh Sidney–if you were alive, this would kill you!

Apparently, numerous observers of the American political scene, including many who are conservative, including many who should know better, suppose that Barack Obama, like Bill Clinton, will ease himself into political irrelevance and shamble off stage, his pockets packed with the traditional book deals and exorbitant lecture fees.  It is as though the shade of the ever-affable, ever reasonable, Hugh Sidney were strolling the streets intoning in his ever sedating drone, “All’s well! All’s normal in these good old United States of ours!” But this is not so, nor is anything approaching normal lame-duckery about to happen. Oh, Barack will get the book deals and lecture fees, all right; but the part that isn’t going to happen is the part where he goes gentle into that good night…the very idea is preposterous, because Obama is not so much a lame duck as he is a wounded and indignant duck.


The NY Times looked at Zizek and saw “Elvis.” 

Ponder the extraordinary naïveté of Mitch McConnell who, after observing Obama’s behavior in the immediate aftermath of the election found himself scratching his head and ruefully noting, “The president continues to send signals that he has no intention of moving toward the middle.” Mitch, Obama was never a post-racial president, but he was most certainly the first post-American one. We at WOOF must continually remind ourselves that most folks still cannot fathom this enormity.  We genuinely believe, for instance, that Chris Cillizza  Washington Post when he reasoned thatObama’s decision is a simple one: [A presidential directive granting amnesty to illegals] is good policy and, in the long term — maybe in the short term, too — good politics.”  Chris, listen old sport, politics was a transitional phase of the Obama revolution. Who do you think you’re analyzing here, Mary Landrieu? We are beyond politics now–so forget your old Teddy White histories and check out a few radicals, like self-proclaimed Leninist Slavoj Žižek (the NY Times called him “the Elvis of cultural theory”) who speaks of “what you might call our cultural, post-political capitalism, in which the most passionate struggles are cultural ones.” (Like the cultural struggle to terminate capitalism.)

The duck heads farther left!

The duck heads further left!

And his pummeling this November merely strengthened Obama’s resolve to deal blow after blow to the American commonweal by dismantling the culture, the economy, and the military and the Constitution. Move to the center, Senator McConnell? Obama will move further to the radical left, because he isn’t interested in shoring up his party’s fortunes and fixing its image– he couldn’t care less about that. He’s interested in doing maximum damage, partly out of his ideological disdain for the United States, and partly. now, as vengeance for his repudiation by an unworthy American public. How can we be so sure?

Psycho-duck unchained!

eveelduckBecause WOOF is a secret society, we are precluded from offering the various qualifications of individual members who are equipped at postgraduate levels to formulate diagnostic hypotheses of a clinical nature–and nervy enough to apply them to the President of the United States. The reader is therefore free to disbelieve that such qualified individuals exist among us, (although, WOOF is not making this up), and we feel confident in advancing the proposal that, all other diagnostic vagaries notwithstanding, Barack Obama primarily demonstrates the consistent behavioral characteristics of a textbook narcissist. So what does that mean? Well, there are several flavors of narcissism, such as “vulnerable” and “malignant,” but these are hypothetical constructs, and while our analysts do not doubt that such nuanced interpretations have merit, they will defer here to the official poop sheet, the redoubtable DSM-5, i.e., the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Now for those who may not in fact sleep with the American Psychiatric Society’s manual of mental disorders under your pillows (and we certainly hope that’s the majority of you, because it’s a very bulky compendium) we had better cover the main symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (which are coded 301.81 in case Obamacare covers it). We resort to the use of “bullets” for brevity’s sake:

  • Exhibits a pervasive pattern of grandiosity
  • Exhibits preoccupations with unlimited success and power.nar
  • Habitually exaggerates  his brilliance, achievements, and talents
  • Expects constant praise and admiration
  • Exhibits an often unreasonable sense of entitlement.
  • Fails to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings
  • Expects others to go along with hiss ideas and plans
  • Manipulates and takes advantage of others
  • Expresses disdain for those he deems uncooperative or inferior.
  • Believes that others are jealous and envious of his situation, or genius.
  • Frequently sets unrealistic goals
  • Is easily hurt and quick to react to rejection.
  • Compensates for fragile self-esteem by exhibiting haughty, arrogant, and aloof attitudes and behaviors.
doubling down

Mandate of the mind!

This is a man who shot selfies of himself grinning merrily at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.  His speeches, too, have always been monuments to his self-absorption, but in the post-mid-term era they are bound to set new records. In Chicago last week he managed to use the first person singular (mainly the pronouns “I” and “me” and the adjective “my”)  a stunning 91 times; but this is not his personal best. In 2010 he treated an audience in Austin, Texas to 199 references to himself in no less than 40 minutes. Beat that, Fidel Castro!  So perhaps you can see our point, gentle readers, when we suggest we are ruled by a pathalog of definable nature and propensities.  We also maintain that the traits bulleted above demand our attention more than ever in the wake of the November elections.

The president, after all, delivered a speech in the aftermath of his administration’s decisive (if woefully belated) rejection by American voters that was notable for its detachment from reality.“I have a unique responsibility to try and make this town work” the president told the press.  “So, to everyone who voted, I want you to know that I hear you.” And then, as the liberal media gaped uncomprehendingly, he bizarrely appended, “And to the two-thirds of voters who chose not to participate in the process yesterday, I hear you, too.”  Really? And what, you may be wondering, did Our Dear Leader hear the two thirds of Americans who didn’t vote, say to him? The answer, we suggest, lies within the narcissistic pathology, and it’s simple: Obama heard two thirds of the American people tell him that he is exactly on target, that he is brilliant and misunderstood by his inferiors and that he must press courageously, unwaveringly ahead to complete his mission of bringing the fundamental transformation of America to its full, maximally destructive conclusion!  Okay, narcissists don’t hear things, per se, but they infer things in strict accordance with their grandiosity. And this is a classic feat of narcissistic re-framing—a psychically perceived mandate grabbed out of thin air in the midst of a blatant and historically decisive political rejection.

TRUE FACT: Throughout psychiatric history, individuals afflicted with schizophrenia have reported hearing odd assortments of voices, but to date, not a single schisophrenic patient has claimed to hear the voices of people who didn't vote!

TRUE FACT: Throughout psychiatric history, individuals afflicted with psychosis have reported hearing odd assortments of voices, but to date, not a single psychotic  patient has claimed to hear the voices of voters who didn’t vote!

How, a rational citizen might ask himself, can the man have missed the point?  One of the defining components of narcissistic personality disorder is it’s utility as an ego defense mechanism. Narcissists are exceptionally well equipped to practice self deception even to the point of delusion. They simply reframe their “superior” concepts of reality to accommodate their narcissistic delusions.  Thus, Obama’s take-away from having lead his party to an unprecedented slaughter at the polls is that approximately two thirds of the American people secretly want him to move boldly forward and ram his agenda all the way home.

arrogant 1The Washington Press Corpse on the day following the election were so shell shocked that a number of them came completely out of character and asked pointed, even intelligent questions of the president, all of which he deflected with his customarily aloof double-speak, a good deal of which emphasized the need for bipartisanship. Bipartisanship, for the unfamiliar, is that quality of political compromise and malleability invariably sited by the Liberal Establishment Media as essential in Republicans whenever Republicans win big, lest they be perceived as arrogant, and never mentioned in conjunction with Democrats except to the extent that when Democrats win big, it is once again decreed essential for Republicans, lest they appear defiant. Obama, however, has a particularly dissociative view of the concept, remindful of the famous Hollywood director who when asked to define teamwork, quipped, “Teamwork is a whole bunch of people running around doing exactly what I say!” And that is a perfect narcissistic conception of the term, so that Obama’s references to bipartisanship may be correctly understood to mean giving the president exactly what he wants, exactly how he wants it. Narcissists never, ever, compromise in matters of importance, unless it’s a trick or a trap, and most often it is both!

evil duck

TRUE FACT: Narcissistic lame ducks charge when wounded!

Despite the risk of  expatiating wearisomely, we cannot resist adding that a compounding danger inherent to the  narcissistic personality is the tendency, when challenged or frustrated,  to gravitate toward mania… a burst of energized activity combined with a diminished awareness of the dissonance between the narcissist’s  expectations and reality,  If you are thinking at this point that a for-instance might be helpful, try repeating “presidential directive” a few times, while ignoring the Constitution. And consider further how quickly unrealistic goals and schemes become less unrealistic when we stipulate that the narcissist is President of the United States, and a wounded duck on the attack. And scarier still: the loyal opposition is almost  uniformly chicken.  So, what zany antics will ensue?

Migrating pains….


The “Dreamers” arrive!

With respect to the tsunami of non-english speaking, uninvited and completely illegal immigrants pouring over our borders and taking up residence in the U.S., the reader may find solace in President Obama’s frequent assurances that, despite his most malignant wishes, he lacks any authority to instigate or legitimate such phenomena. In fact on 22 distinct occasions [documented here] he has explained that it does not fall within his purview to unilaterally legalize the entry of millions of unregistered foreign citizens into this country, nor to grant them the right to make themselves at home in America.

imagesIn October of 2010 Obama explained to Univision that he could not act unilaterally “because I am the president, I am not a king,” and during a  Town Hall in 2011 he added, “With respect to the notion that I can just suspend deportations through executive order, that’s just not the case, because there are laws on the books that Congress has passed ….” And he assured Telemundo in 2011 that “I can’t do these things just by myself, I’m not a king,” And our favorite came on September 25, 2011, when President Obama reminded a group of disgruntled Hispanics, “I swore an oath to uphold the laws on the books …. Now, I know some people want me to bypass Congress and change the laws on my own. Believe me, the idea of doing things on my own is very tempting. I promise you. Not just on immigration reform. [WOOF’s italics] But that’s not how our system works. That’s not how our democracy functions. That’s not how our Constitution is written.”  But now we are entering the Year(s) of the Wounded Duck, or what we might rightly term (with apologies to the late President Sukarno of Indonesia) “the year(s) of living dangerously!” And “how our Constitution is written” has ceased to concern President Obama, even rhetorically. From now on our system works however he prefers.

images.jpgduckitaThus, the first and most spectacular aspect of the recent presidential directive legitimating (without any recourse to those branches of government that establish and enforce our laws)  5,0000,0000 or so illegal immigrants currently among us, is the fact that Obama has now struck out on a course he himself declared illegal on over twenty occasions.  He, not Sarah Palin, nor the superannuated John McCain, has indeed “gone rogue,” and made it clear to any rational observer of the American system that the rule of law is no longer of consequence to him. By issuing blanket amnesty to 5 million illegal aliens Obama is declaring them, like himself, exempt from the rule of law, and presumably declaring them uniformly eligible for green cards, although no operative body of law permits a sitting president to hand those out, any more than he may hand out Senate seats, liquor licenses, voter registrations, or building permits. Further, he has implicitly relieved concerned authorities such as the United States Border Patrol and Customs and Immigration Services of their duty to enforce the law.


And bear in mind, Woofketeers, there is no telling if the “five million” Obama refers to represent a fixed, pre-established figure, or if they are merely a figure he imagines may sound bearable. He can change the figure at will and it shall become law, n’est ce pas? That twice or thrice as many amnesties may be about to issue is entirely plausible, and “chain amnesty” may soon facilitate the importation of aunts, uncles, parents and siblings, mark our words!

“”Uh…the dye are cast!”

And thus, our Wounded Duck has paddled across the Rubicon. He has, in the process,  dragged the American republic across the Rubicon with him—and while it is the business of the Liberal Establishment Media and the Hollywood glitterati to make us all feel good about having wet bottoms, the fact is, America is now under profound assault, illegals notwithstanding, because it is at moments such as this that republicanism (in the authentic sense of the term) ends, and government by regal fiat ensues. And as Pat Buchanan sagely adds: “Bosses who hired illegals off the books will also receive de facto amnesty. La Raza is celebrating. But, make no mistake, a corrupt corporate crowd is also publicly relieved and privately elated.” These are the capitalists who, to paraphrase Lenin, will sell totalitarianism the landscaping shovels it uses to whack them over the head and bury them.

Consider the children!


Consider also the children–you know the ones. The“children” flown, bussed, airlifted and otherwise imposed upon the United States during this summer’s allegedly extemporaneous influx, creating what Our Beloved Leader termed an “urgent humanitarian situation.” WOOF predicts that these tads with gang tats will shortly prove eligible to have their parents and relatives join them and receive amnesty as the families of children already situated in the country…a perverse variation on the military concept of “force multiplication,” inimical in this instance to the Republic. Nancy Pelosi  waxed philosophical  about the problem, you may recall, declaring the invasion something “we have to view as an opportunity.”  This makes sense as a tactical analysis from the ultra-liberal perspective, but which Pelosi endeavored to dissemble as spiritual. Clasping her hands with that look of supernal derangement so familiar to her physiognomy, she intoned, “If you believe as we do that every child, every person has a spark of divinity in them, and is therefore worthy of respect — what we [are seeing] is a dazzling, sparkling, array of God’s children, worthy of respect.” Respect, perhaps, Congresswoman, but not citizenship by royal decree.

Diana West--does she have to draw us a picture?

Diana West–does she have to draw us a picture?

Alas, WOOF fears that Pat Buchanan may also miscomprehend the full implications of Wounded Duckiness.  He argues that “with this amnesty Obama takes custody of and responsibility for the entire illegal population. He is the patron saint of illegal aliens. And for what they do, he will be held accountable, as was Jimmy Carter for the Marielitos Castro sent and Carter welcomed.” Really, Pat?  We love you, Pat, but–accountable?  My, what a quaint pre-Obaman concept that is! Accountable to whom, exactly, Pat? David Muir? George Stephanopoulos? Whoopi Goldberg? Bill Gates? Jeb Bush?  Charlie Rose? The grownups are gone, Pat—Diana West tried to tell us, but maybe you missed the memo. [Catch up here)

Bordering on insanity

images.jpgm4It seems probable that the newest development in the border fiasco is the piecemeal disarming of American border patrol agents tasked (however prosaically) with protecting Arizona against illegal incursions. These agents are now being stripped of their firearms by the U.S. Customs and Border Protection’s Offices of Border Patrol and Training and Development (is that even an acronym?) While the Obama regime works feverishly to militarize nearly every other branch of government, it seems to have different plans for the border patrols. The agents’ M4 carbines are being collected for “purposes of inspection” but are not being returned. Because the  M4s have not been returned or replaced, agents are reportedly pooling their weapons. Queried about the disappearing weapons by reporters in Tucson, Customs and Border Protection released a statement to the effect that “CBP’s Offices of Border Patrol and Training and Development are jointly inspecting the serviceability of M4 carbines throughout Border Patrol Sectors nationwide. Some of (the) inspected M4 carbines were deemed unserviceable and removed from inventory to alleviate safety concerns. Inspections will continue to ensure the unserviceable M4 carbines are repaired or replaced for reintroduction into the field. No further information is available at this time.”fife 2

Increasingly outgunned by Mexico’s drug cartels, agents now find themselves without any viable means of defense even against occasional assaults by Mexico’s corrupt and unevenly equipped federales. Some agents have independently asked former drug enforcement agent Jeff Parther, who runs a weapons training school in Tucson, for the loan of some firearms until the issue is resolved.  According to News 4 Tucson, “Prather believes removing some of the rifles may be politically motivated. He says he was told that many of these guns are being removed for issues that are easily repaired like the firing pin and bolt.” Prather points out that the government’s concerns about the condition of the missing M-4s focuses on problems that could usually be resolved in the field, and, according to News 4, “That makes him suspicious that the agency could be disarming its agents.”  Has Eric Holder resigned yet?  Is this nation really okay with the tragi-comic spectacle of American border agents deciding whose turn it is today to have the gun? “No further information is available at this time.”

It maht ay’ve bean eh diversity beumb! 

“Were you expecteeng eh beumb?”

At it’s nastiest, Obama’s approach to multiculturalism is silkily-voiced race baiting  typified by his tip-of-the-topper to the rioters in Ferguson, about whom he took the time to remark “…the frustrations that we have seen, are not just about a particular incident. They have deep roots in many communities of color, who have a sense that our laws are not always being enforced uniformly or fairly. That may not be true everywhere….but that’s an impression that folks have and it’s not just made up. It’s rooted in reality.” But even at its most benign, Obama’s “diversity boom” is a devastating blow to the American social fabric…a judo technique flipping the nobility of the melting-pot ethos into a promotion of cultural balkanization and social divisiveness. Even some American liberals (and we refer here to folks like your Uncle Buddy who wear Birkenstocks, drive Priuses and take “Whale Wars,” seriously–in other words, those victims of the leftist establishment brainsoaking who mean nobody a lick of harm and just never quite grasped that we actually do need a military more than we need the National Endowment for the Arts) are slowly blinking at the light and realizing that radically shifting the tectonics of the Homeland is less appealing in praxis than it seemed in theory.

You know the situation is dire when even collegial America's mimper in chief takes notice!

You know the situation is dire when even collegial America’s beloved mimper in chief takes notice!

The three fastest-growing counties in Virginia (in case you were wondering, but even if you weren’t) are liberal Fairfax, ultra-liberal Arlington and predominantly liberal Prince William — where the diversity explosion was praised and enthusiastically ushered into residency. These communities are  growing so rapidly because of a torrent of arrivals that began in the Clinton ’90s and increased dramatically this century owing to the lax border policy of President Bush and the no-borders policy of Barack Obama.  Of the 2 million residents in these three counties, fully 32% are now Hispanic and Asian. Blacks, on the other hand, account for only 12 percent of the population. It hardly requires reporting that the population of foreign, non-English speaking residents is growing explosively while the older Black and Caucasian elements remain relatively stagnant, or dwindle. Suddenly, the largely liberal, Democrat-voting Whites and Blacks in these counties are waxing obstreperous about the situation. Did they all turn racist overnight?  Did Rush Limbaugh do this to them, or did they accidentally watch an episode of Sarah Palin’s Alaska?  Could it be the insidious seepage of FOX News into the aether?

WOOF admits uncertainty as to exactly what a KKK Exalted Cyclops does, but here's a file photo of one such.

WOOF admits uncertainty as to exactly what a KKK Exalted Cyclops does, but here’s a file photo of one .

No, it’s really just reality—that bugaboo of American liberal Utopianism, catching up with the goodly residents of these three progressive localities and turning folks a might splenetic. Why, Fairfax  County is actually discussing policies to make illegal immigration –well—you know—illegal. The housing shortage produced by the unregulated influx of foreigners has pushed thousands of Black families out of Arlington, and down in Fairfax they can’t scrape together the funding to pay all those extra teachers or build all those additional schools to educate the ever increasing armies of children who don’t grasp the necessity, let alone the vagaries of secondary education, and who don’t speak English. Illegal immigration isn’t all sweetness and light, it seems…and it turns out you don’t have to be a raving “Exalted Cyclops,” or whatever, to notice that things are getting ugly…especially in the Black community (where we assume there are relatively few Exalted Cylopses) as unemployment and housing shortages skyrocket. And then there’s that whole crime thing—it transpires that not all illegal immigrants are “dreamers” in the paradigmatic sense. A lot of them are gang members, rapists, drug addicts and people who maintain a strong cultural tradition of driving while drunk and unlicensed.

Spanking the canary!

tweetyAnd meanwhile,  back at the kibbutz, it cannot have escaped any reasonably attentive person’s attention that Barack Obama holds Israel in unqualified contempt and views its Prime Minister with barely concealable disdain.  This point was driven home with all the subtlety of a knee to the groin—an exhibition of that Chicago-style gaucherie that particularly defined the early months of Obama’s first term and is likely to manifest itself even more floridly during the coming Year(s) of the Duck. Those heady early days saw Obama kicking Winston Churchill’s bust out of the Oval Office, (making Sir Winston the only foreigner he ever sent home), warning Republicans in no uncertain terms that listening to Rush Limbaugh was not how things got done in Washington, attempting to lock FOX news out of press conferences on the grounds that they were “not a real news station,” and most asininely of all, humiliating Benjamin Netanyahu by design. The Israeli prime minister was set up neatly, invited to an evening at the White House during which the characteristic diplomatic regimen might be expected to entail a series of warm but frank discussions between allies followed by a state dinner.

Say what?

Say what?

But Barrack Hussein Obama had a very different reception planned. He escorted the Israelis to the Roosevelt Room where he immediately presented Netanyahu with a list of no fewer than 13 demands the complete satisfaction of which, he curtly declared, constituted the only means by which his administration’s feud with Israel could be resolved, and the steps necessary to restoring the confidence of the Palestinian leadership before they would agree to engage in further peace talks. Before any of that, Obama informed the Prime Minister, Israel would have to meet his administration’s previous demand that all new settlement construction in east Jerusalem be halted at once. When Netanyahu evinced the temerity to suggest that certain of the demands on first reading were not entirely in keeping with Israel’s best interests and might negatively impact its national security, Obama sighed exasperatedly, rose stiffly from his chair and snapped, “I’m going to the residential wing to have dinner with Michelle and the girls.”  At the door, Obama glanced back toward the stupefied Israeli delegation and rasped,“I’ll still be around–so let me know if you come up with anything new!” During the remnants of the Prime Minister’s visit, to quote Israel’s Maariv newspaper, “There is no humiliation exercise that the Americans did not try on the prime minister and his entourage.”


Needless to say, things have not improved subsequently.  And now that November 4th is behind us and Obama is free once more to exercise his animosities overtly without concern for political ramifications, we suddenly have the widely reported story that an (unnamed) senior Obama official went to the pains of denouncing Prime Minister Netanyahu as “a chickenshit,” which remark was made, tellingly, to journalist Jeffrey Goldberg, following which (by an amazing coincidence) another unnamed senior official went on record calling Netanyahu a “coward” with respect to his handling of the Iranian nuclear threat. (Like, maybe he should have drawn a  line in the sand?)

BY TOTAL COINCIDENCE:  Defence Secretary Chuck Hagel suddenly resigned this week--but we still think it was really Biden, but he got Netanyahu confused with  Atifete Jahjaga of Kosovo.

BY TOTAL COINCIDENCE: Defence Secretary Chuck Hagel suddenly resigned this week–just sayin’

WOOF admits it has been unsuccessful in pinpointing which senior official(s) made the remarks, by which we mean we have not yet been able to corroborate information received from one usually-reliable “Barker Street Irregular,” but we are achingly close to nailing down the facts and we are positive that the remarks were made by two different administration members, both male, both cabinet-level big shots. One, we were assured, would be resigning before November was out. But besides the fact that both our suspects are embarrassingly incompetent officials who boast long records of antagonism toward Israel, what’s going on here?

“Anonymous sources in all our sources…”

jen bibiTrue, Obama is entirely capable of enjoining his subordinates to call Netanyahu names for no more elaborate reason than the fact that he resents Netanyahu—and one need not be an ardent Zionist to recognize this as falling well within the profile of clinical narcissism we outlined above. Also, please note that no apparent concern about the remark issued from the regime. No reaction of any sort by Barrack Hussein Obama is anywhere to be found, nor from any major player in the regime. Instead, once again, the hapless ding-a-ling Jen Psaki  (she of the Ukrainian hashtag and a dozen other mortifications) was trotted out of the state department rubber room to reassure reporters that John Kerry (another prime suspect) was soon to meet with Netanyahu and that  “If this issue comes up we will make sure it is clear it’s not reflective of the secretary’s views.” Really, Jen?  Asked whether any effort was being made to locate the White House personnel who made the offensive remarks. Psaki, incredibly, said no. The reporter asked, “Do you have suspicions?” Psaki said she did not.  The reporter tried again, asking “Is the administration trying to figure out who made those inappropriate and counterproductive comments?”  Psaki again said no. Bollixed, the AP reporter managed to croak,“Why not?” And the hilarious Ms. Psaki offered the following wisdom: “There are anonymous sources in all of your sources every single day. If we spent all of our time focused on that effort we wouldn’t be working on diplomacy.”  Right, Jen, and heaven forefend anything get in the way of diplomacy!

islamic duck

The Wounded Duck is all but exhorting the mullahs! Could he be expecteeng eh beumb?

Reporter Jeffrey Goldberg noted in his Jerusalem Post piece that “revealing its belief that there is no longer a real threat of an Israeli strike – again, whether their assessment is correct or incorrect – these senior officials have done considerable damage to security of the United States and to the possibility of striking an effective deal with Iran.” What Goldberg cannot bring himself to grasp (because he has yet to comprehend the Tao of Wounded Duckiness) is that no geopolitical leverage to stall the development of Iranian nukes was ever applied or intended, and the message now is simply “the sooner the better!”  Israel, the proverbial canary in the mine shaft, is being shoved down the throat of the Iranian nuclear arms developers, and the intended message from index.jpgbebWashington is not “oops, some unruly knave uttered a counterproductive indelicacy regarding Mr. Netanyahu, and we’re so sorry” but rather, “Hurry up, Iran, because Bibi’s a push over!” The president may in the process be visiting irreparable damage on U.S./Israeli relations, true, but one has missed the point of the post-political Obama era if one supposes this matters a farthing to the administration–indeed, it’s a plus…and the utter lack of any authentic constraint placed on the Iranian atom program by Obama, taken in conjunction with what now amount to diplomatic asides to the mullahs of a near-hortatory nature, may mean that US/Israeli relations will be rendered of no consequence whatsoever by the Iranian nuclear arsenal! Is anyone expecting  “a beumb?”

global-warming-awarness-poster-design (18)

NOTE: Results are computer enhanced for entertainment purposes– city may appear drier in actual viewings.

Wait for it; wait for it! Global warming is stilll coming!

Well,  on the other hand, nearly everybody seems to be expecting global warming.  We make movies about it,  pass laws to prevent it–we blame it for almost everything, but it never seems to show up. Like all “Warmists,” the president has consistently dismissed informed climate debate as the height of irresponsibility given the meteorological catastrophe that confronts us, year after year, albeit without ever actually materializing, which is not a big deal of course because global warming, unlike all other solid science, is not falsifiable.  As Obama’s website puts it, “Climate change is real—the stakes are too high for climate denial!”  The highly funded (and now heavily-armed) EPA couldn’t agree more, and they’re rushing to enact the president’s 2015 agenda for limiting “greenhouse gas” emissions from existing and planned power plants before our coasts are engulfed by the onrushing seas. Put another way, the administration is finalizing its plans to eliminate coal-fueled power plants altogether, replacing them with no power plants, thus driving the cost of electricity through the roof as the supply becomes frighteningly strangulated.

Starla Yeh--

Starla Yeh, thwarting planetary destruction one regulation at a time!

In that adorably Orwellian way peculiar to left-wing propagandists, the EPA is spewing assurances that the new rules will actually help lower utility bills and help fight global warming. “The good news is that we can afford to tackle the growing threat of climate change and, really, we can’t afford not to,” explains Starla Yeh, a policy analyst at the subversive Natural Resources Defense Council. “Doing the right thing will save money even as we protect our health, our communities and future generations.” Gosh, Starla, who knew that freezing to death would stop global warming? For that matter, who knew that we could still afford anything?

Meet President Obama's EPA-- ready to kick ass and take air samples!

Meet President Obama’s EPA– ready to kick ass and take air samples!

The first EPA rule takes the form of draconian new restrictions on coal-fired power plants. It should cost the power sector a hefty $21 billion, which costs will of course be passed to the consumer, which is, evidently, how the EPA plans to “help lower utility bills.” But that’s not all, folks! Comes next the EPA-led rewrite of the “Waters of the United States” section of the Clean Water Act, which amounts to a titanic seizure by imposed regulatory authority of the nation’s waterways—including even pond-sized bodies of water on private property.  As Louisiana’s Republican Senator David Vitter succinctly put it, “The ‘waters of the U.S.’ rule may be one of the most significant private property grabs in U.S. history…permitting authority over virtually any wet area in the country, while at the same time providing a new tool for environmental groups to sue private property owners.”  The Liberal Establishment Media are hot on the story of course, doing their best to smear fresh lipstick all over this weary old pig.  Just last week CNN news blond Deb Feyerick did her part, asking Bill Nye (“the science guy”), in all apparent seriousness, if a recently reported meteor’s near-earth trajectory was caused by global warming.  Nye kept his composure and replied politely in the negative, somehow resisting what must have been the intense temptation to quip, “No, but it makes Malaysian airliners melt!” Meanwhile, the president’s battle to clean up our environment doesn’t stop with his fight to preserve our atmosphere– no, it continues even in cyberspace, which also turns out to need a good scrubbing!

The Truthy is out there!twitter angry bird

Obama’s war on freedom of expression will intensify on all fronts now that Our Beloved Helmsman has felt the stinging rebuke of an unworthy electorate. Consider  Twitter—where a taxpayer-funded initiative at Indiana University called “Project Truthy” set about seeing how many conservative Twitter accounts it could get suspended. Funded by the subversive National Science Foundation to the tune of a cool million, the University project (spearheaded by crusading cyberspacial censor Filippo Menczer, a professor of Informatics [sic] and Computer Science at Indiana University) vowed its determination to track ‘false and misleading ideas, hate speech, and subversive propaganda communicated by conservative groups.”  (Apparently liberal groups do not indulge in such despicable miscreancies, so there’s a break.)  Truthy’s victories over Twitter-based bggotry are now a matter of record. They were, for example, able to suspend the Twitter account of one C. Steven Tucker, a health insurance broker, for using the hashtag “American Patriots.” Another individual’s account with the highly suspicious moniker, @PeaceKaren_25, was suspended after being linked to numerous tweets of support for that well-known right-wing hate-monger, John Boehner.  Countless equally despicable examples of hate speech abound on Twitter according to Project Truthy, which despite limited time and resources monitored by its own account 1.2 million tweets containing “one or more of our political keywords.” That’s right, besides such “false and misleading ideas” as supporting John Boehner (which we’ll grant seems a tad irrational) and such venomous verbal sewage as “American Patriots,” plenty of other odious right-wing phrases and memes are floating around out there, so beware!

Lamar Smith, suspected

Lamar Smith, suspected “American Patriot” virtually oozes hatred as he plots to thwart Project Truthy’s crusade to rid Twitter of everyone to the right of Che Guevara!

Despite its best efforts, Project Truthy couldn’t silence all the reactionaries on Twitter before attracting the ire of the fascistic House Science, Space, and Technology Committee whose chairman, Lamar Smith (R-Texas) (quite possibly an American Patriot himself, now that we think about it) insisted “… taxpayers deserve to know how NSF decided to award a large grant for a project that proposed to develop standards for online political speech and to apply those standards through development of a website that targeted conservative political comments.” Well, heck—the IRS can’t do it all alone, Senator!

Professor Flippo MThe benevolent face of Internet protection, fairness, and ...did we mention fascism?

Professor Filippo Menczer,Indiana University’s  benevolent face of Internet protection, fairness, and socialist totalitarian harmony 

Forgetting, evidently, that the entire world is not in lockstep with the mores of the academy, Professor Menczer co-authored a book filled with somewhat self-incriminating braggadocio about “Truthy’s” accomplishments. Armed with Menczer’s tome and the equally self-congratulatory published findings of the Truthy research team, Smith is asking for the original application for the study, and “every internal and external e-mail, letter, memorandum, record, note, text message or other document” sent or received by the NSF about Truthy since the study began in 2011.  WOOF certainly hopes that none of the University’s team members suffered any computer crashes recently—that would be unfortunate.

Abandon all neutrality, ye who enter here!


Okay, nobody ever believes us when we bring this one up, and more than any other of WOOF’s pet peeves this lands us repeatedly in hot water with our staunchest allies in the libertarian and conservative communities, but perhaps our more dextrally-situated critics will finally rethink the issue now that they find President Obama firmly on their side. We speak of net neutrality, which we repeat is just another exemplification of the leftist proclivity for ironically disinformative labels—you know, like “affordable care” and “choice,” and “immigration reform.” Need we continue? Well, we’re going to.

Tom Wheeler--from the government and here to help!

Honest Tom Wheeler–from the government and here to help!

Obama has already trotted this pony around the track a time or two, along with various re-ragged versions of the “fairness doctrine” earlier in his presidency. It was only last spring that subversive FCC chairman Tom Wheeler proposed new rules on Internet access that advanced what amounts to “pay to play” access in the name of—you know–fairness. Wheeler is that guy the leftist landscape painters continually insist cannot possibly exist: a player in nearly every imaginable telecom industry venue and a biggie with the National Cable Television Association for which he lobbied in various capacities, as well as a dedicated agent of socialism who devoutly bundled millions in cash infusions for the 2008 Obama candidacy, thus purchasing favor and power within an administration he fully realized was farther left than any other in American history—and thus obtaining his appointment.

alfieThat our nation is flooded with wealthy, influential businessmen who serve the cause of international socialist totalitarianism seems to baffle observers both left and right who have been propagandized into perceiving all businessmen as Republican fat-cats, or Ayn Rand superheroes. Sadly, most of these captains of industry are simply dumb. Anyone who thinks businessmen are too smart to fall for socialism’s bait-and-switch tactics should review the enthusiasm with which insurance companies greeted Obamacare, supposing themselves in line for a monopolistic windfall—only to recognize that the realities of the scheme made it impossible for them to do business and stay in business simultaneously. Next stop? A single-payer healthcare system, as Obama always intended, and said he intended. But the insurance doyens were never fellow travelers, they were useful idiots. Guys like Tom Wheeler are fully aware of the part they play, and all he more dangerous because of it.

Confronted by critics who saw his recommendations for improving the Internet as a veneer for controlling it, Wheeler evinced shock. “I will say it again,” he purred, “there is nothing in the proposal that authorizes fast lanes on the Internet. It simply asks questions, such as should there be a ban on paid prioritization. But there is nothing in the rule that authorizes it.” If this sort of doublespeak sounds reminiscent of the selling of Obamacare, it’s because the template is so similar. Wheeler neglected only to add, “If you like your free Internet, you can keep your free Internet—period!”


The president’s vigorously renewed enthusiasm for “keeping our Internet fair and free” centers on Title II of the Telecommunications Act. This is the portion of the bill that supposedly guarantees “net neutrality” courtesy of the government, naturally, and rather oddly since the substance of Title II traces its roots to 1934, and the last time a president actively declared capitalism obsolete. It may not startle the sagacious reader to learn that it is considerably more than 100 pages of ambiguous (and antiquated) legalese aimed at  regulating (yes, we said regulating) how carriers conduct communication in order to serve “the public interest.” The problem (or advantage, as Obama clearly sees it) is that the language is susceptible to interpretation and could readily conduce toward the elimination of a free and open Internet by offering ISPs the option of colluding with Internet companies ensuring the prioritization of traffic, but ensuring, under the new provisions, that traffic flows per governmental dicta. Once the Internet companies are on board with administration policies of fairness and balance, (and don’t think they won’t be once favoritism becomes the key to primacy), the government will be the new sheriff patrolling the information superhighway.


Fortunately, not all the corporate players are feeling “useful.” Verizon complained that “Reclassification under Title II, which for the first time would apply 1930s-era utility regulation to the Internet, would be a radical reversal of course that would in and of itself threaten great harm to an open Internet, competition and innovation.” Right on! Verizon may justifiably be denounced as self-interested, as, obviously, it is, and WOOF realizes that generations reared in the faith that nothing can be worse than big corporations making money and that the solution to all matters of inequality is always big government will be quick to revile the loathsome communications giants and rally to Obama’s egalitarian humbug. Obama realizes this too and will denounce the profit-taking communications industry just as zestfully as he denounced the for-profit medical establishment (hacking off limbs unnecessarily for fun and profit, remember?) while leading us into the nightmare of “affordable healthcare.”

This will not be a winning issue for you, Ted! See, everyone wants free Internet--even President Obama!

Ted Cruz notes on his Facebook page (and say, should he even be allowed to have a Facebook page?) that net neutrality  ‘puts the government in charge of determining Internet pricing, terms of service, and what types of products and services can be delivered, leading to fewer choices, fewer opportunities, and higher prices for consumers.” He called it “Obamacare for the Internet,” which is apt indeed, and the amount of flak flung his way by Internet idealists is already so thick, you’d think we at WOOF would take the hint and shut up about this, wouldn’t you? But the idealists can take heart. Yes, those armies of youthful high-tech cognoscente who know exactly how wrong Cruz is because they know exactly how wonderful net neutrality would be if it were ever enacted in accordance with their highest ideals by a consortium of angels in sublime isolation from any real-world sources of manipulation or co-optation will probably get to see their side of the debate triumph. WOOF can already imagine Boehner, McCain, and Lindsey Graham dining with the president and agreeing that net neutrality is do-able, desirable, and just plain good for America–like immigration reform, requiring only a strong bipartisan effort from congress. (Everybody running around doing exactly what the president says!) They will also take a moment to remind us that Ted Cruz is a “wacko-bird.” Sigh.

And speaking of wack-o birds, our thoughts turn perforce to the final bit of buzz-killing reportage planned for this screed:

The charge of the RINOs  


The Righteous Bros: harmonizing with the Left to save us from ourselves.

This is one of those good news/bad news jokes in closing. The good news is that yes, those of you who await rescue at this fateful moment by the charge of the Republican calvary, can already hear the hoofbeats signifying a massive movement underway! The bad news is, well, that’s the sound of the Republicans racing each other out of Washington on vacation without so much as a backward glance at the conquered citadel where the forces of fundamental transformation are in full array! Do you really expect them to return to DC burning with a passion to repeal Obamacare, staunch the flow of illegal emigration, or draw up articles of impeachment over Benghazi, the IRS scandal, or the usurpation of congressional authority as defined in the Constitution? Look, we hate to tell you this, we really do, but the best thing about the Republican avalanche at the polls this month from the standpoint of the Republican mainstream is: To them, it means the death of the Tea Party!


Who loves you, Carl?

Yes, a substantial enough win was effectuated this November by  grass-roots conservatives that Carl Rove and his like-minded rinosassoauri have concluded that the party can now refocus itself on schmoozing the yocals with the usual e while  fighting to eliminate that embarrassing lunatic fringe they perceive as the ragtag spawn of the odiferous Goldwater (that great interloping heathen) and Reagan, whom they privately traduce as a party-pooping anomaly, and otherwise known as that grass roots !  Here is the GOP’s chance to absorb or destroy the wacko-birds. Now is the time to put a lid on those noisy obstructionists like Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Trey Gowdy and Mike Lee, while marginalizing pesky agitators like Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, and WOOF’s beloved Christine O’Donnell–problem children whose antics embarrass the party pros and inflame those crazy, Christian, gun-loving, anti-abortion, tea-party extremists.

Off with her head!

RINOs are even now telling one another that the  GOP has a chance to get back to business as usual,  pursuing the  very same agenda as the Left, only more slowly, with greater financial responsibility, and a bit more military spending thank you, (because the GOP is at least loath to be blasted to atoms while it sleeps). Incoming young turks will be brought swiftly to heel by their wiser, more pragmatic senior numbers. And the party moderates will seize this opportunity to consolidate power while revisiting all their beloved inside-the-beltway salons and getting their champagne glasses clinked at all the right Georgetown festivities while luxuriating in the false economia and assured air time the Liberal Establishment Media reserves for the the compliantly faux conservative. That’s right, fellow patriots, rally now for the 2nd amendment, for original understanding of our founding document, for freedom from oppression and from illegally prescribed surveillance, for the right to life, for the building of border fences and the forceful circumscription of the an insensate IRS! Rally now to free local schools to pursue agendas unblemished by the Weather Undergrounders who confected the standards of Common Core. Rally now to build the pipeline after 6 years of feigned concerns for the migratory habitudes of the American burying beetle, the pallid sturgeon and the  black-footed ferret, and continue now more emphatically than ever to pound the table in the supernal name of American liberty ….. lest the the only axiom that ultimately recalls this November’s  victories transpires to be that hollow irony prophesied so long ago by the WHO:

        “Meet the new boss– same as the old boss!” WOOF PRINT

monster duck



baker baker

Well, just as Sherlock Holmes relied on the intelligence services of his trusty “Baker Street Irregulars,” remember, we here at WOOF often rely on contacts in vital areas of national concern–ranging from PTA to CIA, from local campaigns to the Oval Office! (Okay, not the Oval Office--yet–but we’re all ears!) So if you would like to become a WOOF irregular at absolutely NO salary, and slide us some intriguing inside info to which you may be privy, check out our email address under “contact us” and leak your heart out!  If your info checks out, you’ll get absolutely zero credit, but when you see the bold“WOOF knows…”  preceding your info, you’ll still feel mighty proud, won’t you!  NB: Please, nothing more about Roswell, and we do not care where Jimmy Hoffa is.  Otherwise, knock yourselves out! –Your grateful editors.



Pipeline Dreams and Luddite Schemes: Big Oil vs. the Keystone Cops

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on February 4, 2014 at 12:34 am


Hubbert, Hubbert?

Ever hear of Marion King Hubbert? No, he’s not the narrator of Lolita. He was a geologist for Gulf Oil who created a method for gauging how rapidly oil supplies would be consumed and when their depletion would eventuate in exhaustion. He expertly evolved a quantitative technique (the Logistical Growth Curve, more commonly called the Hubbert Curve) by which he scientifically predicted at what juncture the world’s oil reserves would run dry. Problem being, Hubbert presented this theory first at the 1956 meeting of the American Petroleum Institute in San Antonio, Texas, and predicted that the availability of oil in the United States would peak in the early ‘70s and diminish rapidly thereafter, hitting the dry dregs by around 1980. His estimates, though intellectually impressive and honorably motivated, were wrong, but they inspired the legions of doomsayers who followed, many of whom did not scruple at insisting that planet earth would be drained of fossil fuels within “the next ten years,” counting from whenever they happened to be issuing their dire warnings.



Casting our gaze rearwards long enough to embarrass all of the geologists, environmentalists,politicians and pop-cultural speechifiers who took it upon themselves to write petroleum’s death warrant over the bygone decades would be amusing, to be sure, but unnecessarily time consuming.  Suffice it that only one expert got things exactly right, and he was a guy who infamously appeared in movies with a chimpanzee—yes, he was Ronald Reagan who took the contrary position, rasping unconcernedly that we were floating on a sea of oil—an observation that earned him so much scholarly pique and popular derision that he might as well have said we were well supplied with marshmallow bushes and lemon drop trees. Still, we are not, even today, confronted with a crisis of depleted oil supplies; only the problem of liberal interference with their extraction and transport, which seems eternal.

steam cupWOOF knows “fossil fuels” (if that’s even what petroleum is) will still be derivable from mother earth long after its inventive denizens (assuming they have not inventively blown themselves up) evolve more efficient and less labor-intensive methods of propelling themselves hither and thither—yes, WOOF predicts that better sources of energy will be discovered and profitably developed for general use by the free market, just as they have always been—like, has anybody made a speech about “King Steam” lately? So don’t give up on your flying car—it’s not too wild a dream. But while we await coming breakthroughs, we still need to drive cars and heat our homes; and many of us are not fortunate enough to live near nuclear power plants. Thus, we require fossil-based energy to stay warm, commute, and listen to our old Jackson Browne LPs. For this reason, a source of readily available oil is imperative. And just as obviously, this is not obtainable through an obsequious reliance on oil production in Arab countries whose leadership and populations hate our guts. 

North to Alaska!

wayne fabian One of the facts that eluded poor Hubbert back in the day was the coming inclusion of the magnificent state of Alaska in the American union, and the construction of the Alaskan Pipeline. If you are young, it might astonish you to discover that during the early ‘70s Atlantic Richfield, a hated and despised private oil company, suggested building a pipeline running 800 miles from Prudhoe Bay to Valdez, Alaska, thereby conveying a veritable ocean of crude oil from the frozen wastes to energy-dependent American motorists and homeowners, with enough left over to sell internationally.

Despite much ignorant stereotyping, most native Alaskans are an attractive and friendly people.

Despite much ignorant stereotyping of their culture, most native Alaskans are an attractive and friendly people.

Naturally, then as now, this idea struck American liberals as horrendous. Alaskan Natives (that’s how we say “Eskimos” nowadays) were understandably concerned that the proposed construction would traverse land traditionally claimed by a variety of native tribes without any economic benefits accruing to the indigenous peoples. Conservationists (which is how the media prefer to say “environuts”) were angry about everything—as always—insisting that the proposed project would squish arctic trees, pollute the tundra, and devastate the native herds of caribou, whose migratory and grazing habits would, they argued, be irretrievably hobbled, probably resulting in almost instantaneous extinction.

nature tv

Liberal American citizens worried that the vast acreage of Alaska and the majestically bounding caribou that they so adored watching on PBS specials would vanish from the screens of their color TV sets, swept away by an all-consuming tsunami of yucky pollution directly related to the heartless connivances of “Big Oil.” These and other arguments were just as ridiculous then as President Obama’s “concerns” about the building of the Keystone Pipeline are today. But that didn’t keep environmentalists from hogging airtime and press coverage together with their Democrat mouthpieces in congress. In fact, a ready supply of crude from the hyperborean vistas of the Land of the Midnight Sun (to quote Johnny Horton) might have proved a pipe dream and nothing more, were it not for the swift and timely intervention of a large consortium of  Arab sheikhs.

OPEC to the rescue! opec two

Fortunately, Americans were neither quite so stupefied by the media nor quite so propagandized by the environmental Left in the ‘70s, besides which the oil-producing nations of the Middle East rode to the rescue of the pipeline, however unwittingly. In 1973, when the “Yom Kippur War” (one of the serial endeavors to eliminate Israel launched by its genocidally-inclined Arab neighbors) ended badly for the invaders,  OPEC (your friendly neighborhood Organization of Arab Petroleum Exporting Countries) endeavored to punish American support for the embattled Jewish state by imposing an oil embargo against the United States.

Caribou, as it turns out, pay almost no attention to the Alaskan Pipeline.

Caribou, as it turns out, pay almost no attention to the Alaskan Pipeline.

The embargo proved successful at first (until greed peeled the signatory members away one by one) causing the price of oil and gasoline to skyrocket in the U.S.  This entirely fortuitous occurrence led to President Nixon making passage of pipeline legislation a White House priority. Even extremely liberal Senate and House members came under tremendous pressure from their constituents and the Trans-Alaska Pipeline Authorization Act passed both houses allowing the hated oil companies to ink a deal on January 23, 1974, permitting work to start. Happily (even in the strict adverbial sense) the native peoples whose lands were thus traversed, recouped a bundle in the process. And, of course, despite a 1,300 page document submitted by the environmental lobby detailing each of the plagues that pipeline construction was bound to unleash upon Alaska and the environment in general, the trees are doing fine, the rivers are flowing cleanly, and the caribou are frolicking blithely—but even in that slightly-less-irrational day, the battle to win an uninterrupted flow of petroleum for the American public was, to borrow the Duke of Wellington’s phrase, “a damn close run thing!”

A collection of the particularly naive anticipate O's fulfillment of his word on the environment--does frustration wait them?

A collection of the near-criminally naive anticipate O’s fulfillment of his word on the environment–does frustration await them?

Obama’s green dreams….

You would have to be a determinedly uninformed voter (and yes, they are legion, we know) to avoid grasping President Obama’s adamant opposition to any form of utile, cheap energy (except the kinds that don’t work), and in particular his opposition to the construction of the Keystone XL oil pipeline from Canada. When he isn’t conniving to drive coal down the chute, (sorry), or to eliminate nuclear power as a viable option (by closing down the Yucca Mountain nuclear-storage site at the same time that he laughably asserted his desire for “a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country”), he is hard at work attacking our sources of oil. Beyond his proscription of drilling in the Gulf, and his nonchalant dismissal of a federal judge’s order to suspend the proscription, he famously bollixed construction of the Keystone Pipeline, making its rejection a veritable centerpiece of his energy policy, as well as a rallying point during many of his aggravatingly sing-song public addresses.

Well--they say a picture is worth a thousand solar cells...

Well–they say a picture is worth a thousand solar cells…or was it brain cells?

In January of 2012, insisting that “safety is key,” President Obama flatly rejected  TransCanada’s bid to build a $7 billion oil pipeline stretching from the tar sands of Alberta for 1,700 miles across seven states to American refineries on the Gulf of Mexico. Not only is the idea anathema to Our Beloved Leader owing to the lower energy rates it would engender, it also threatens to create approximately one-hundred thousand new jobs, which must viscerally revulse the First Marxist, and thus he declared in January of 2012 that, “the rushed and arbitrary deadline insisted on by Congressional Republicans prevented a full assessment of the pipeline’s impact, especially the health and safety of the American people, as well as our environment. As a result, the Secretary of State has recommended that the application be denied. And after reviewing the State Department’s report, I agree.”

So take that, Canada!

Albert Arnold Gore, pondering the wonderfulness of being...well...Albert Arnold Gore.

Albert Arnold Gore, pondering the wonderfulness of being…well…Albert Arnold Gore.

The threat of a pipeline project resurfaced in 2013, causing an especially histrionic Al Gore to denounce the idea as “an atrothity” and raising the dander of the Natural Resources Defense Council (to nobody’s surprise) which exclaimed that tar-sands oil is “dirtier and more corrosive” than conventional oil (which, in any case, the NRDC also abhors), and is certain to cause high levels of greenhouse gas pollution, speeding our deaths by global warming, and, of course, killing many of us while we await death by global warming through dread spills that will leave us wallowing in “immense lakes of toxic waste.” That this has not occurred in Alaska is of no matter—nor is it worth considering that pipe-building technology may have advanced over the intervening 40 years even beyond what worked in Alaska. No, if we let Keystone go through, we’ll be swimming in guck and baking beneath a relentless sun within the decade! And Our Beloved Leader is keenly aware of these concerns, besides which he’s had one or two revelations of his own. In 2013 he let a reporter know that, “The most realistic estimates are this might create maybe 2,000 jobs during the construction of the pipeline – which might take a year or two – and then after that we’re talking about somewhere between 50 and 100 jobs in a economy of 150 million working people.” As if that weren’t sufficiently ridiculous to rock the press back on its heels, (had they so much as the collective analytic prowess of a bed of freshwater bivalves) he added blame canada untitledthat the pipeline would not lower gas prices, and might, in fact, drive them upwards. The assembled press members dutifully wrote this down as Rappin’ Preezy took full voice, appending his view that, “I’m going to evaluate this based on whether or not this is going to significantly contribute to carbon in our atmosphere–and there is no doubt that Canada at the source in those tar sands could potentially be doing more to mitigate carbon release.” So take that, Canada, you polluting barbarians! And enter the reliably-unctuous Agriculture Secretary, Tom Vilsack, to assure an increasingly desperate citizenry that “The Obama Administration remains committed to the production of clean, renewable energy from homegrown sources, and to the businesses that are hard at work to create the next generation of biofuels.” (Yawn.)

EPA Secretary Gina McCarthy--whose football career was not widely known until this informative NRDC campaign.

EPA Secretary Gina McCarthy–whose football career was not widely known prior to this informative NRDC ad.

And that brings us to now, as in the present, where it begins to get really interesting. The State Department ruled last March, curiously enough, that the pipeline would not increase greenhouse gas emissions –but the Environmental Protection Agency, in a strongly worded letter, called for a more detailed study one month later. (If this seems odd, turn immediately to our ingenious explanation of cabinet-level Three-card Monte published last month.) And while you’re checking that out, ask yourself this puzzler: What’s going on with State and its developing war of words with the EPA?  Are these two branches of the Obaman power elite actually at odds with each other? Why would a reliable liberal hack like John Kerry (who served in Vietnam before he was against it) enter into an unnecessary tussle with so refined an exemplar of sinistral flimflammery as EPA archduchess Gina McCarthy, (about whom WOOF can think of nothing good to report apart from her having a cool last name)?  So striking were the State Department’s assurances that the pipeline would not poison Americans to death that Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell roused himself from his chronic torpor long enough to declare, “”This report from the Obama administration once again confirms that there is no reason for the White House to continue stalling construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline, so, Mr. President, no more stalling — no more excuses.”  Say, that’s some dazzling rhetoric all right, Mitch, thanks!  But WOOF will not be in the least shocked should the EPA, or possibly the Department of the Interior (find the little lady and win the dough), respond with further forecasts of death, doom, and disaster, lobbing the ball back toward State’s court, as it were.

Internecine conflict? Nope--just another round of "Monte" for the masses!

Internecine conflict? Nope–just another round of Three Card Monte for the masses!

Is this internecine warfare? Nonsense! Bureaucracies are bovine entities of course, especially governmental ones, and momentary displays of cross-purposed verbiage are only to be expected. But now, State has come back with an iterance of its view that Keystone raises “no major environmental concerns,” and you can imagine the chaos this report is causing among those shrill defenders of the permafrost whom Edith Efron used to amusingly dismiss as “those save-the-fishies people.” Strange days indeed!

Okay, here’s your explanation for this apparent dichotomy, and it’s at once simple and entertaining, or we wouldn’t bother with it! The fact is, Barack Hussein Obama wants to okay the Keystone Pipeline about as badly as he wants to start a chapter of the John Birch Society. He has frantically sought options to doing the obvious—even to the extent of clearing the way for the opening of a (comparatively insignificant) Oklahoma-to-Texas line created to alleviate an oil bottleneck at a Cushing, Oklahoma storage hub. Oil began flowing unrestricted down the lesser pipeline last week, but it would have done so with or without Rappin’ Preezy’s okay because its 485-mile length crosses no U.S. borders despite the fact that TransCanada operates it. This is a classic Obaman beau geste…graciously granting his approval of that which is in any case inevitable, and as a sop to American voters and the Canadian oil industry it probably barely registered. Meanwhile, the sound of impatient American feet tapping has waxed thunderous, and the Canadians are showing signs of annoyance too. Canadian Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver read over the most recent reports and huffed, “The benefits to the U.S. and Canada are clear. We await a timely decision on this project.”  Timely? Leviathan will not be rushed.

Canadian Minister Joe Oliver--where is that neighborly smile?

Canadian Minister Joe Oliver–where is that neighborly smile?

Now, the afore-mentioned Barack Hussein Obama would typically scoff at these demands for oil, timeliness, practicality, jobs—and all that other stuff he finds so irritating; and the disdain this will earn him from Canadians bothers him not a wit more than the fact that most of Europe, Great Britain and the Middle East consider him an irretrievable boob. He has bigger fish to fry, dear readers, and believe us when we tell you: we are those fish! So in any other circumstances the president would stick to his guns (not that he owns any, but figuratively speaking), and let Mao take the hindmost. But not this time out, because there is more at stake here than previously. The quick-witted among our readers (and we confidently assume this is everyone) will say in chorus with us: Ahhh, yes, the Senate!

The president sticks to his guns--or gun?--since he's carrying no shells, we assume he's handed a different shotgun every couple of rounds.

The president sticks to his guns–or gun?–since he’s carrying no shells, we assume he’s handed a different shotgun every couple of rounds.

Politico freaks out

Dan Flood--did you think we were kidding?

Dan Flood–did you think we were kidding?

According to a story in the reliably liberal Politico last week, Democrat financiers are pulling their millions out of looming races for the House of Representatives infrank acknowledgment that recapturing that body in 2016, barring some unforeseeable game changer, is a lost cause. So powerfully have the American people reacted to their sadly-belated discovery that Obama’s promises about his healthcare program were a raft of dejecta, that many long time Democrat socialists in the House are simply dropping out of the game, the most recent example of which is the unbearable Henry Arnold Waxman, U.S. Representative for California’s 33rd congressional district, serving in Congress since 1975. Long heralded by the obedient press establishment as one of the most influential members of congress, Waxman was a leading loon in the fight to ram socialized medicine down the throats of Americans, but he suddenly lost his feistiness last week, declaring himself out of the running in 2016, because, gosh darn it, “It’s been frustrating because of the extremism of tea-party Republicans”  (which phrase, translated into real-speak, means “I’ve seen my current polling data and there’s no way I’m getting re-elected after what I pulled with Obamacare!”). Thus, the House is losing not only a liberal kingpin, but also the least attractive member of that body since Dan Flood (D-PA) decided to grow a mustache out of his nose. (Ugh, why did we remind ourselves of that?)


Henry Waxman–another victim of the extreme right?

Waxman’s welcome departure exemplifies a growing panic on the Left, according to the leftists at Politico, that 2016 will be another 2010, resulting in the Senate shifting to Republican control. Threatened in this regard, the multimillionaires of the fashionable Left have begun focusing their contributions on the Senate, in hopes of hanging onto that chamber, or at least keeping the Republican numbers low enough that a Lincoln Chaffey-style defection or two can be engineered as a make-up exercise.  Politico states that even some of the leftist elites whose donations were aimed at reuniting Nancy Pelosi with her whack-a-mole speaker’s gavel have lost heart and adjusted their fire to have maximum effect in the upcoming Senate races. The cool slang for this on the Left is “triage,” and WOOF would certainly prefer to see liberalism doing triage than dancing Snoopy dances—but this is not true of our Dear Leader. Okay, we know what you’re thinking: What does this Democratic panic, no matter how appealing, have to do with the disagreement between State and the EPA about the advisability of building the Keystone Pipeline? And here’s the partial answer: POTUS is also terribly afraid that the Senate may go Republican…do you find that implausible? We mean, implausible that he would give a tinker’s damn?

Why would a president whose clinical narcissism drives him again and again to ignore even his most sympathetic critics while tossing even his most devout followers under the proverbial bus whenever circumstances make doing so exigent, give a darn what happens to the Senate?  Let them go down in flames, right? They were too small for the Obaman Vision!  More Republicans on the Hill just means more candidates for the president’s patented version of the blame game. Why should he give a flying fleep?

Again, dangerous visions…king

Well, he does—give a flying fleep that is–and here’s why: WOOF knows (and we don’t say that unless we do) that Our Beloved Helmsman has been hard at work lately—not protecting the constitution or presiding over the proper functions of the executive branch, but rather holding lengthy meetings with legal experts and a handful of (perhaps ironically sympathetic) constitutional scholars regarding the removal of the biggest obstacle to his future happiness, namely the 22nd Amendment.  This bothersome Republican legislation prevents any president from seeking a third term, whether concurrently or following a hiatus from office—it just cannot be done constitutionally. And Rappin’ Preezy is doing his best to seek a means of repeal so that he can oversee the utter and complete ruination of the republic. Really. And you don’t have to be Thomas by-God Sowell to figure out that the Bamster isn’t getting anywhere—anywhere at all, without a left-wing Senate to back his perversities!

We rest our case.

We rest our case.

Now, you may well say, gentle readers, that no American in his right mind would vote to invite Barry Obama back for a third term, with or without the repeal of the 22ndamendment, but consider two distressing factors. First, Obama cannot bring himself to believe this, and even apart from his unbounded egomania, he has a finely tuned ground game ready to roll whose particular specialties are voter fraud and intimidation. Also consider: No matter what you or we in the WOOF cave may think, there are plenty of Americans still flaunting their “Obama for me!” bumper stickers and aching to vote a third time for the nation’s first communist president. If no American in his right mind would vote for the man, how did he win a second term despite all the disasters, lies, and excuses, compounded with interminable economic recession and skyrocketing unemployment?  But we digress…

Good cop, bad cop….

Keystone...cops...we tell you, this stuff just writes itself!

Keystone…cops…we tell you, this stuff just writes itself!

So here is where we find our explanation of the strange disconnect between the State Department and the EPA when it comes to the Keystone Pipeline. Normally, the First Marxist would simply say no to the pipeline—sneering with his customary hauteur that he will eschew all such environmentally destructive, jobs-neutral endeavors aimed at lining the pockets of Big-Oil magnates along with their fellow Republican fat cats—and blah blah blah.  But it is beginning to look to the POTUS (and to innumerable analysts and strategists) as though he cannot afford to just say no. It is beginning to look as though politics militate for the pipeline’s construction, lest the democratic brand in the Senate be further tarnished by the obdurate Luddite in the Oval Office. And it is WOOF’s position on this that the obdurate Luddite has not yet resolved himself to build so detestable a thing as an oil pipeline—especially one, the construction of which, comes with the additional nightmares of more jobs and more gasoline for the cars of Americans who should be trained to rely on mass transit. But on the other hand, Mr. Obama is also unable to shake the gnawing conviction that axing the Keystone Pipeline at this juncture might also drop the ax on any hope his party retains of holding the Senate. If he says yes, his fringe environmental wing tears him to shreds, which has a ripple effect among the college-age voting block of professorially-and-parentally brainwashed robo-students who vote for “cool.” But if he says no, the country seethes at this latest manifestation of incompetence and puerile stubbornness. What is a Bamster to do?

Default position: Bamlet!

A fellow of infinite beau gestes?

A fellow of infinite beau gestes?

He does his Hamlet act, of course–pretending to wrestle in torment over whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outraged environmental lobbiests or take arms against a sea of oil emerging from TransCanada’s accursed pipeline, and by opposing end it?  Okay, sorry—but you get the idea—the image that the public and the always gullible news media must now be shown is that of “lonely-at-the-top” Barry, weighing all the issues and finally cowboy-ing up and taking a stand. The dichotomous views of the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of State are a chimera specifically engineered not only to reflect this “profound” internal torment, but to afford the president cover no matter which way he decides to decide—this is the only function of the pantomime—to give Obama cover for a decision he is not yet certain how to finesse.


This is, in fact, what we previously referred to as cabinet-level Monte, played to a fare-thee-well. The fact, of course, being that Obama desperately wants to kill the entire capitalistic annoyance, but cannot bring himself to take quite so outrageous a political stand when the result might be the loss of the Senate and his hopes of kinghood along with it. This is why the EPA is playing unabashed “bad cop,” ready to stand by the president if he is forced to turn TransCanada (and the American people) down flat out of his fidelity to left-wing extremism, while the State Department, you will kindly note, stopped short of actually recommending pipeline construction, precisely to play “good cop” while leaving ample room for knifing the project without much suggestion of official discord. In this manner, State’s relatively glowing report will give cover to POTUS if he decides he has no choice but to hold his nose and side with Canada and the United States.

The shape of schemes to come…

Known to employ both Erst Stavro Blofeld and Dr. No as fashion designers, Valerie Jarrett always cuts a figure! (The "Reds offstage" have not submitted a photo).

Known to employ both Ernst Stavro Blofeld and Dr. No as fashion designers, Valerie Jarrett always cuts a figure! (The “Reds offstage” have not submitted a photo).

What will he ultimately decide? (What will Valerie Jarrett and the Reds offstage ultimately decide?) We probably don’t have long to wait before we find out—but the possibilities here seem to be limited to a yes, a no, or another ploy to extend the time requisite for the government’s already painfully protracted perusal of Keystone’s merits until after November, 2014, which is still uncomfortably distant. To this end, it might be that some other constituent of the Obaman uni-cabinet will be mustered into action, thus the Interior Department may suddenly develop a set of concerns and insist on a new study, or perhaps the Department of Energy. Why not?

Well, In this regard, WOOF has not availed itself of the services of our very own in-house psychic, the illustrious and at-least-mostly clairvoyant Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters, vaunted head of our award winning Occult Divinations Division (ODD), headquartered in beautiful downtown Zug, Switzerland. Unfortunately (as we see it) the Doctor’s fearless prediction of last May to the effect that Obama’s administration would somehow or other fail to outlast the year (which see ) has clearly come a cropper by almost six weeks. WOOF, therefore, is uncertain whether to further enlist the Doctor’s services, and did not, in any case, inquire of him regarding the present matter. He may consider himself on probation.

Dr. Walters in Switzerland--accepts probation philosophically; continues to insist he will soon be vindicated.

Dr. Walters in Switzerland–accepts probation philosophically; continues to insist he will soon be vindicated.

All of which means, we aren’t entirely certain how the president will resolve his pipeline predicament, and neither is he—but although it seems a decision must not be long in coming, given the pressures both left and right, we must recall that POTUS spent his career in the Illinois state senate voting “present” 129 times and showed little willingness to take a stand on anything controversial beyond the usual liberal agenda items, although as a United States Senator, it must be acknowledged, he took a leading role in safeguarding the right of doctors to crush infantile skulls postnatally. Basically, however, Mr. Obama is not a man who likes to make decisions—and one senses that the major decisions of his presidency continue to be made for him.

With all this in mind, it will be interesting to watch how the rehash of the 2012 decision on Keystone, itself a kind of reprise of the 1973 controversy over the Alaskan pipeline, plays out over coming days and weeks.  Only yesterday (as we go to press), Obama confidently assured moderate TV commentator Bill O’Reilly that his decision on  Keystone awaits only the go-ahead from the Department of State–which seems odd, since he already has it in the form of State’s report. No, we at WOOF cannot predict this one with certainty (although we sense increasing uneasiness among the environuts)! We can only predict one thing with complete confidence: When Our Beloved Helmsman announces his long-awaited decision…there will be blather!


SYRIAN SITZKRIEG ENTERS SECOND MONTH–WOOF wearies of subject but soldiers on!

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on September 7, 2013 at 5:07 pm


         “If you set out to take Vienna—take Vienna!”–Napoleon Bonaparte

And now a quick assessment of the unfolding Middle Eastern ludicrosity: Let’s see—President Obama is flying home from being repeatedly humiliated by Vladimir Putin at the G-20 summit in Russia, ready to face the possibility of being handed the closest thing to a vote of no-confidence the House of Representatives can bestow on a sitting president, unless the administration prevails in that legislative body and is granted permission to do what it already has the authority under the War Powers Resolution to do anyway, but apparently doesn’t really want to do any more, which is punish the regime of Bashar Assad, who may or may not be guilty of actually doing what a considerable number of intelligence services now believe his opponents really did, so that we can wage war on behalf of our sworn enemy, Al Qaeda, because some of their friends may or may not be as bad as they are. In an effort to rally support for a military strike against Assad, President Obama has recently taken to assuring us that Assad will not be a target, that his nerve gas stores will not be a target, and that whatever we do it won’t be all that much. Meanwhile, our potential adversaries in the vicinity have been offered generous amounts of time in which to contemplate and arrange all sorts of retaliatory strikes, the main target of which will almost certainly be Israel, with whom we remain titularly allied despite Beloved Leader’s obvious disdain for the Jewish State.

Photo of officer and men aboard the Russian guided missile cruiser Varyag shows Russia's continued reliance on service men aboard their warships--a practice John McCain declared obsolete!

Photo of officer and men aboard the Russian guided missile cruiser Varyag shows Russia’s continued reliance on servicemen aboard their warships–a practice John McCain believes obsolete!

Unless of course Russia does something nasty, and apparently we consider that unthinkable and have not, therefore, thought about it. Meanwhile, to add a final note of clarity, John McCain has just gone on record at a town hall meeting to the effect that the entire operation can be carried off handily and “not put a single American life in danger.”  So, no bombers, no fighters, and the robotization (seemingly) of the entire Sixth Fleet?! All WOOF can say is: wow!  Russia, by comparison, is reportedly beefing up its fleet in the Mediterranean—and we bet they’re still using old fashioned human sailors on their ships—how 1991 is that?

We’ll always have Paris!

we'll always have ParisQuick, what is the Paris of the Middle East? Don’t know? Well, don’t fault yourselves, gentle readers, because there isn’t one! However, once upon a time there was, and it was Beirut. Yes, Beirut Lebanon. Seriously. In the post-World-War-Two era, Beirut blossomed as a magnificent intellectual and architectural beacon to the world’s citizenry—a highly preferred tourist destination and a booming commercial metropolis aglow with all the gleam and gaud of the Persian Gulf’s runaway oil market. Moreover, it remained a shining monument to peaceful, prosperous internationalism right through the Kennedy era, the Johnson era, and even Nixon’s tenure. And then, in 1975, following the American humiliation in Vietnam and as if in recognition of the phlegmatic American Congress that sold South Vietnam down the drain despite the pleas of a powerless Jerry Ford, a civil war exploded all over Lebanon, pitting the Muslims against the Christians, and the veritable oasis of Beirut’s beautiful downtown area was reduced to rubble.  None of this was helped by Syria rolling in and throwing its military behind the Muslims. Despite an eventual Israeli incursion aimed at restoring order and blunting the Syrian attacks on Christians, Syria retained a dark influence in Lebanese politics together with a force of 14,000 troops in country. Perhaps readers recall the “Cedar Revolution” and a million protesters gathered to demonstrate against the Syrian presence, following which Syrian forces withdrew. Happy Days, right? So why, you must be asking by now, is WOOF making you think about all this when the real problems are now in Syria?

See Lebanon and die?

See Lebanon and die?

Well…see…despite the Syrian withdrawal from Lebanon, a little problem by the name of Hezbollah was left behind. Okay, we lied about the ‘little’ part—Hezbollah is in fact a fast-metastasizing aberration in the form of Shi’a Islamic terrorists who despise America, hate Israel, and seek Jihad for Jihad’s sake every day in every way! And they are, naturally, displeased to learn that the United States may be preparing to shoot cruise missiles at their old partner in crime, Bashar Assad, the Syrian dictator  with the teensy-weensy head and the big fat neckties (and the inexplicably hot wife).  But we digress. The main point is this, Woofketeers:


Hezbollah recruits swearing to extirpate Israel (and then us), demonstrate their nostalgically retro salute!

The State Department on Friday ordered nonessential U.S. diplomats to leave Lebanon, citing unspecified security concerns surrounding the Obama administration’s well-known and agonizingly prolonged plans to launch American military strikes in reprisal for Syria’s alleged use of chemical weapons on August 21st. “The potential in Lebanon for a spontaneous upsurge in violence remains,” the Department said, adding that: “Lebanese government authorities are not able to guarantee protection for citizens or visitors…  should violence erupt suddenly. Access to borders, airports, roads, and seaports can be interrupted with little or no warning.” Woahhh…first we messed up Egypt beyond all recognition, then we destabilized Libya by eradicating any semblance of national order, next we began threatening airstrikes against Syria in support of Al Qaeda, and now Lebanon is blowing up in our faces? Yes, because Hezbollah is part of the Russian-Iranian-Syrian alliance and enjoys its Lebanese monopoly on terror. Hezbollah and Al Qaeda are nearly identical from a topographical point of view, just as Al Capone’s mob and Bugs Moran’s mob were overtly similar in intent and comportment. But when Bugs decided to muscle in on Al’s territory, the Saint Valentine’s Day massacre resulted, right? Similarly, supporting Bashar Assad in his battle with the “moderate rebel elements” (aka Al Qaeda) makes sense for the Lebanese jihadists despite the manifest consanguinity of the two factions.

Turkey flambé?

Think it can’t get worse than this? Six hours ago (as we tap this out in the candlelit maw of the WOOF cave) the U.S. Department of State warned “U.S. citizens traveling to or living in Turkey” (yes! Turkey!) that, “the U.S. Consulate General in Adana has been authorized to draw down its non-emergency staff and family members because of threats against U.S. government facilities and personnel.” The Department of State went on to warn Americans in no uncertain terms against “non-essential travel to Turkey.”  And how on earth did we get to the point of a Turkish upheaval? By conducting a pro-Jihadist foreign policy from the moment Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama put their noodles together, that’s how.

Stability and peace getting on your nerves? Just add Hillary!

Stability and peace getting on your nerves? Just add Hillary!

And as regular readers are aware, WOOF has far too much respect for both above-named individuals to assume, as most of their critics seem to, that simple ineptitude and/or imperishable ignorance account for the boundless ruination their policies generated and continue to generate. On the contrary, WOOF persists in its firm belief that every inch of this has been intentionally engineered, and that the transformation of the Middle East into a raging Caliphate united in odium and the rabid abhorrence of Israel was a confidential goal of the Obama presidency even before it reified on that bleak 2nd November in the year of Our Lord, 2008. And just when you thought Iraq, although still a red hot combat zone, was off your worry list because the Liberal Establishment Media no longer cover it (Our Dear Leader having declared it over with), it turns out those gosh darned Iranians are sending undercover units of their Revolutionary Guard’s suicidally adamant  Quds Force to attack the American embassy in Baghdad. And word has it that specially trained Syrian forces allied with the above mentioned crazies of Hezbollah are poised to assault the embassy in Beirut.  And of course, Henry the horse dances the waltz! (Sorry, we threw that in).

Why would the Bamster want to bomb Bashar?

This, youngsters, is Thomas Magnum (Tom Selleck) but WOOF still doesn't know where he kept that .45!

This, youngsters, is Thomas Magnum (Tom Selleck) but WOOF still doesn’t know where he kept that .45!

Okay, so to paraphrase Thomas Magnum, we know what you’re thinking! If the whole commie plot was to toss the entire Middle east into unprecedented turmoil, why are we preparing to bomb Bashar Assad for a silly miscreancy like using a little nerve gas on about fourteen hundred of his citizens when the civil unrest in Syria has already claimed over one-hundred thousand lives? How does this sudden yen to play “World Police” fit into the Obama regime’s scheme to induce chaos across the Middle East conducing toward a pan-Islamic Caliphate? Well, it doesn’t!  But it was never supposed to get out of hand like this—it was planned as a nice, simple, military diversion—you know, some jet something-or-others would drop some of those “jdam” thingamajigs, and maybe some of those exploding drone-type whatchacallit cruise missiles could go off and there could be some of that cool camera footage like in that Iraq war back when people watched CNN, and we could watch those airplanes—you know—the kind that take off from those big boats? And maybe some submarines could shoot some stuff or something—and then Our Dear Leader’s popularity would go sky high in the poles, and nobody—and here’s the main idea, so don’t miss it: Nobody would be talking about the snowballing collection of Obamagate scandals. So what scandals are we referring to? Well, in no necessary order:

The use of the IRS to electioneer for Obama by clamping down on Tea Party organizations prior to the 2012 elections; the use of the Justice Department to ObamaShhhrun guns to Mexican Drug Lords in hopes they’d shoot some Americans (as indeed they did) enabling the Administration to  repeal the 2nd amendment (which didn’t work out because it got caught smuggling the guns); the further use of the Justice Department’s outreach wing to publicly rabble rouse for the arrest and conviction of George Zimmerman despite the absence of incriminating evidence; the refusal of the Justice Department to do anything whatsoever about members of the New Black Panther Party harassing voters with billy clubs in 2008; the further use of the Justice Department to intimidate journalists by, for instance, declaring FOX News’s James Rosen a criminal; the manifest perjury committed by Attorney General holderEric Holder when he told Congress he had no idea that such depredations had been visited upon poor Rosen just before his, Holder’s, signature was found on the affidavit declaring Rosen a criminal; the additional perjury of William Holder assuring Congress he had just learned about the “Fast and Furious” gun running travesty when he was clearly directing it from the beginning; the GSA ringing up a bill for 823,000 dollars for a “conference” in Las Vegas which included a number of psychic mind readers and at least one professional clown; waging war on the government of Libya without congressional approval and for a far greater length of time than permitted by the War Powers Resolution; Solyndra; Verizon; ignoring orders from a Federal court to lift the ban on drilling for oil off our coastline; unilaterally deciding not to enforce federal law by refusing to report or deal with reports of illegal aliens; unilaterally deciding not to allow the law of the land (i.e., Obamacare) to occur until it is convenient to the Democrat party’s fortunes; overseeing the Justice Department’s illegal seizure of innumerable AP  reporters’ phone records; overseeing the NSA’s intrusion into the private communications of practically every American citizen; and of course the effort to free the “Blind Sheikh” by colluding with the Muslim Brotherhood to kidnap the American Ambassador to Libya so that the Sheikh (who master-minded the original World Trade Center bombing), could be sent back to Egypt in a seemingly humanitarian prisoner exchange. This last effort, gone badly awry, led to the additional high crimes of allowing the Ambassador to Libya to be seized, serially raped, and murdered following an eight-hour battle in Benghazi while all the while issuing repeated stand-down orders through Valerie Jarrett (who had no constitutional right to issue such orders), thus dooming two State Department officials and two former SEALs to violent deaths, and then lying for two full weeks about the nature of the attack in Benghazi while blaming it on a ridiculously bad movie that nobody in Libya had ever seen or heard of until they learned about it from Susan Rice. (Whew!) And this, by the way, is a very short, highly abridged list!

Blind Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman: a man so evil, he routinely impersonates Santa Claus!

Blind Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman: a man so evil, he routinely impersonates Santa Claus!

But just as the tidy plan to confect a seemingly humanitarian prisoner exchange (thereby retrieving Ambassador Stevens and sending the Blind Sheikh back to his adoring fan base in Egypt) went terribly wrong when those darned Ansar al-Sharia gunsels muffed the job and (oops!) killed the unsuspecting Ambassador, so the planned martial extravaganza–meant to relieve our bovine brains of all this preoccupation with administration scandal–went terribly wrong.  WOOF knows that the plans for a quick, photogenic shoot-em-up emanated from the Susan Rice, Chuck Hagel, John Kerry quadrant—that portion of the president’s brain trust (if one may apply such a term without appearing unduly knavish) that thinks in terms of party politics and domestic exigencies. WOOF knows that up until August 30th, this cohort was dominant and Rappin’ Preezy was convinced that a bit of faux martial pyrotechnics would boost his sagging poll numbers and give his lap-poodle media the desperately-sought opportunity to distract themselves and their viewers from any burgeoning discussions of the gargantuan accretion of scandal overshadowing his Oval Office—particularly any further inquiries into the Benghazi catastrophe. Benghazi defied any explanation, after all, other than the truth; and the truth amounted to treason—so a few bombs and rockets, it was reasoned, a bit of wagging the dog a la Clinton, should put the whole circus back on the road and paper over the irregularities of the past.


hamletBut the presidential determination to strike and to strike swiftly and colorfully in whatever ways General Dempsey and the rest of the president’s uniformed acolytes recommended soon ran afoul of Valerie Jarrett and the radically anti-American wing of the Obama advisory klatch. This wing is respondently phobic of America’s military in any capacity other than observable decline, and in complete solidarity with Islamic terror wherever encountered, and no matter by whom advanced. Remember, it was Valerie Jarrett who repeatedly (at least thrice, it appears) dissuaded Obama from the bin Laden raid, until even his most sycophantic generals and admirals staged a mini coup and insisted that the raid proceed or the president’s serial refusals be leaked. Similarly, it was Jarrett, an Iranian-born communist agent of influence, who persuaded Obama, as August waned, that military action against the Assad government would be unconscionable. Thus, on the 31st of August, WOOF knows the Bamster called a cabinet meeting and announced that he was now lost in incertitude about the attack he’d so adamantly demanded earlier. He told his astonished advisors that he had decided to dump the whole matter on Congress. The decision would thus be theirs to make, and the president could vote “present,” as is his wont.

The quavering red line…

Colonel Travis really knew how to draw a line in the sand--Obama should have checked out his panache! (But then again, those guys all got killed!)

Colonel Travis really knew how to draw a line in the sand–Obama should have emulated his panache! (But then again, those guys all got killed!)

Problem: The president  made it very clear on an occasion in 2012 that the Syrians would cross a “red line” if they used nerve gas.  “A red line for us,” Obama puffed, “is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized, that would change my calculus.” Revising this sadly-typical moment of ill-considered fustian was old hat for Dear Leader, who simply informed the press this week that he had never said any such thing—that in fact the red line comment emanated from “the international community.” And that inelegant dodge might have worked six months earlier, when Obama’s adoring media would simply have repeated the revised drivel as gospel, but at this rocky juncture even ABC and CBS played the old tape juxtaposed to the new tape, and the cognitive dissonance seemed painful to them.

Math challenged? The redoubtable Jen Psaki rope-a-doping for Rappin' Preezy.

Math challenged? The redoubtable Jen Psaki rope-a-doping for Rappin’ Preezy.

Next came poor, long suffering State Department fixit girl, Jen Psaki, who wisely insisted she would not “have a debate or conversation about the red line in Syria” but assured all and sundry that 9 countries had agreed to support the united States in an attack on Syria. Within a few breaths this number became 10 countries. Not content with dithering over whether adding America to the originally stated 9 countries provided the figure of ten countries, Ms. Psaki soon erupted with, “I should say…30 countries” but as was the case with a far greater American protagonist many decades earlier, she seemed to have left her list in her other suit. When asked to name actual countries she returned to the figure 9, rattling off Australia, Albania, Kosovo, Canada, Denmark, France, Poland, Romania, and Turkey.  Heaven knows our boys will fly into battle more confidently knowing the Air Forces of Kosovo and Albania have their backs! But at that point some pesky reporter informed Psaki that Secretary of State Kerry had said 34 countries. Psaki countered by upping the ante to 50 countries, but these turned out to be countries that agreed Assad had used gas on his own people. This leaves, by WOOF’s calculation, 146 countries on the planet which, by the simple fact of their exclusion from Psaki’s list of 50, must not agree that Assad used gas on his own people.

Putin, ascendant!

One lump of plutonium, or two? It's a sad day when Vlad Putin comes across as more   believable than Our Own First Marxist!

One lump of plutonium, or two? It’s a sad day when Vlad Putin comes across as more believable than our own First Marxist!

One such country is clearly Russia. We know this because Vladimir Putin, who never misses an opportunity to stick his foot out whenever the Bamster is traipsing by, announced last Thursday that Russia had clear evidence that it was the Syrian rebels who used gas on August 21, not Assad. The details were supposedly laid out in a thick report compiled by Russia’s investigative team. Meanwhile, Putin took to the airwaves via Russia’s Channel 1 (a government controlled station) and submitted to an interview with Russia’s First Channel and the AP (which is, of course, also a government controlled news source, the difference being that it is controlled by Obama’s government, not Putin’s). For sheer clarity, charm, and assertiveness, the ex-KGB spook carried the day, creating a striking contrast to the mumbling, hemming, hawing and halting performance of his frazzled American counterpart. The real problem with this interview, at least for those of us who survived the cold war—the really mind jolting aspect of it for any who thrilled to Kennedy’s Cuban missile address where the facts were laid bare and the truth was driven home that any aggression by Cuba would result in a massive nuclear attack launched by the United States against the USSR—or any who recall Patton’s blistering denunciations of Soviet methods offered point blank to a stunned Marshall Zhukov, or any who thrilled to Goldwater’s straightforward anti-Soviet rhetoric from the 1964 campaign, or who rejoiced to hear Ronald Reagan demand, “tear down this wall!” is the perversely alien illation that Putin, the mid-level Soviet apparatchik, won the day for plain speaking and plausibility, vis-a-vis an American president and a Secretary of State who seemed furtive, feckless and perfidious by comparison.

Georgie Patton explains communism to Zukhov's translater--Zukhov obviously hasn't heard the translation yet.

Georgie Patton offers his views on communism to Zhukov’s translator–Zhukov obviously hasn’t heard the translation yet.

We believe that at the very least we should wait for the results of the UN inspection commission in Syria,” Putin said. He reviewed the illogic of Syria resorting to such provocative means of destruction when they were clearly winning conventionally, adding “They know all too well that this could become a cause for sanctions and even for a military operation against them. That’s stupid and illogical.” Regarding John Kerry’s testimony to congress, Putin offered, “Well, he [Kerry] lies. And he knows that he lies. This is sad.” And what’s sadder is that we have come to the unhappy circumstance of finding Vladimir Putin more credible that John Kerry, and more trustworthy than the President of the United States.

And the Sitzkrieg drags on….

Actually, back in the days of LBJ, Donovan sang about the "war" dragging on, but we can't afford those anymore.

Actually, back in the days of LBJ, Donovan sang about the “war” dragging on, but we can’t afford those anymore.

So here we are, back on the Syrian subject again with nary a bomb dropped nor a SAM shot, and not a step closer to any sort of recognizable resolution. In fact, we seem to be further from one since Our Beloved Helmsman went sort of wobbly with his navy arrayed (and exposed) in the Mediterranean, his prerogatives at least temporarily surrendered to Congress, and his tough earlier ultimatum now surreally ascribed to “the international community,” whatever that is. Indeed, we are now arrived at a place in which the president’s only visible resolve seems to entail his determination to see any sub-optimal outcome in Syria ascribed to some entity, organization, agency or individual other than himself. WOOF figures if nothing else good comes out of this, we are at least assured a place in the Guinness Book of World Records where we will hold (quite possibly in perpetuity) the title for staging the most discussed, debated, explicated, adjusted, commented upon and predeterminedly circumscribed offensive in the history of  modern warfare.  Indeed, no matter what else we may be accused of subsequently, it can never be said that we engaged in anything so craven as a surprise attack! And no matter how superbly our military may perform, if called upon to perform, it can never be said, either, that an authentic act of war transpired…unless by complete accident! Because no matter what Barack Obama and his domesticated Joint Chiefs may eventually serve up as Bashar Assad’s just deserts, and no matter how picturesque and noisy this committee-generated beau geste  proves, the action is foreordained to fit that famous descriptive flourish uttered by French Marshall Pierre Bosquet, who, upon witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War, remarked to his dumbfounded aide de camp: “It is magnificent, but it is not war…” adding, after a moment’s thought, “It is madness.”

Where's Erol Flynn when we need him?

So…where’s Errol Flynn when we need him?


Barack on the Brink: Or how we learned to stop worrying and blow the Hell out of Syria!

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on August 30, 2013 at 5:32 pm


“It isn’t always being fast or even accurate that counts, it’s being willing. I found out early that most men, regardless of cause or need, just aren’t willing. They blink an eye or draw a breath before they pull a trigger. I won’t.”—John Wayne The Shootist

Well, we know you get tired of hearing “we told you so!” so we aren’t going to begin that way, gentle readers—but you know we told you this would happen way back in June, right? Yeah, we did. As the various scandals ranging from the president’s weaponization of the IRS to Holder’s illegal sale of American firearms to Mexican drug cartels, to the the DOJ’s outreach department acting as propagandists and organizers in a push to indite and convict George Zimmerman, to the botched effort to allow an American ambassador to be taken hostage in Benghazi, and so many more we’ve kind of lost count ourselves, the Liberal Establishment’s angst has grown to the point of furtive-but-unconcealable panic. Yes, Rappin’ Preezy’s extra-constitutional and downright illegal escapades have now acquired sufficient accretive stench that even the mainstream news media are finding it difficult to avert their gaze and their quivering nostrils. It must have become obvious down at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue that it was going to take more than Alec Baldwin’s latest meltdown or Miley Cyrus’s newest vulgarities to sufficiently distract the national psyche from Dear Leader’s cavalcade of high crimes and misdemeanors—nossir, it was going to take something serious!  And just as President Clinton turned the nation’s attention to blowing up aspirin factories in the Sudan and bombing ethnic cleansers in Serbia when Monica Lewinsky proved impervious to what that administration used to term “bimbo suppression,” so the Liberal imagination generally turns in times like these to the art of war.

Monica Lewiinsky: The face that launched a thousand cruise missiles--but somewhat underbid the Helenic paradigm.

Monica Lewinsky: The face that launched a thousand cruise missiles–but somewhat undershot the Hellenic paradigm.

Well, not war war…not like Americans getting shot or blown up by IEDs or anything. Not like Tarawa or Normandy or Khe Sanh or Fallujah–Lord knows enough of that still goes on and it’s increasingly bloody and tragic as Iraq unravels and Afghanistan falters while the president’s commitment melts away. But none of this is embarrassingly bloody or tragic, because the Liberal Establishment Media stopped reporting body counts or filming coffins coming off transport planes the day Obama entered office. Gitmo may never have closed, but since nobody ever mentions it any more, is it really there?  — And the peace movement?  Even if it still exists in small pockets around the nation, it stands no more chance of getting any news coverage than—well—a gun used to prevent a crime, or a Black conservative, or a Black conservative using a gun to prevent a crime! Anyway…

Real war: Marines of the 2nd Division headed for the beach at Tarawa--1,500 casualties on day one--not at all what Dear Leader has in mind.

Real war: Marines of the 2nd Division headed for the beach at Tarawa–1,500 casualties on day one–not at all what Dear Leader has in mind.

No, nobody in or around the Obama cabinet wants a real war—that could be messy and it wouldn’t “focus group” well at all. What is needed to preoccupy the American psyche just now is an almost real war—the kind with lots of explosions and cruise missile strikes and F-18s catapulting off carrier decks and videos of triple-A fecklessly sweeping the night skies over Damascus as our ghostly B-2s drop their payloads with surgical precision and vanish into the nocturne…that is the kind of war that will fill our hearts with martial passion and turn us as a nation in breathless gratitude to the man of the hour, Field Marshall Barack Hussein Obama, who will have, by the above-described demonstrations of military potency, delivered us from the threat of the hour—which was—well…Syrian..something or other. Why, this all sounds so good, gentle readers, we get goose bumps here in the WOOF cave just writing about it!  So what’s holding up production?

Waiter, there’s a fly in my ointment!

Russians in disguise? A rule of thumb is that guys who play basketball and spout empty rhetoric should avoid contests with guys who play chess and know judo--but at least the tho world leaders have habitual prevarication in common!

Russians in disguise? A rule of thumb is that guys who play basketball and spout empty rhetoric should avoid contests with guys who play chess and know judo–but at least the two world leaders have habitual prevarication in common!

Well—the problem with war, no matter how artificially manufactured and gingerly applied, is that it comes replete with an unvarying catalog of contingencies any of which, regardless of how scrupulously the drama is orchestrated, can ruin the impression. What happens if, for example, Syria uses one of its world-class Russian SAMs (surface to air missiles) to nasty effect and knocks down a Navy fighter jet? What happens if the pilot and/or his Radar Intercept Officer parachute to safety only to be taken captive and turned into media sensations by the Syrians?  What happens, for that matter, if a Syrian cruise missile should score a hit on an American naval vessel?  What if Vladimir Putin orders the Russian military (entrenched in the massive Russian naval facility at Tardus in Syria) to carry out attacks on American ships or aircraft while disguised in Syrian livery? Even if Obama became aware of the “false flag” nature of such operations, would he dare make such awareness public? (In case you haven’t guessed, the answer is “nyet!”)

What does the president do when he discovers that nullifying a chemical weapons threat cannot be easily effectuated from the air, and that neutralizing the Syrian Air Force will not prevent delivery of such weapons by artillery or other means? Besides which, blowing up stores of nerve gas or infectious agents on the ground may kill untold numbers of civilians…by inadvertently nerve-gassing them!  Add to this the problems of no exit strategy (or none that doesn’t leave the problem intact), no clear war aims (other than getting everyone to think about foreign policy rather than domestic outrages) and the obvious fact that, just as Dennis Kucinich said during a rare moment of lucidity, we would be “serving as Al Qaeda’s air force,” (as indeed we did in Libya, which ended in Benghazi), and you can begin to understand why Obama’s brain trust saw this as an opportune diversion initially, but sobered into less strident tonalities as the week expired. War, it turns out, is not as simple as all that. It can turn on you.

Proof of maturity: Kerry making all the same old accusations, but saying "Syria" everywhere he used to mention "America!"

Proof of maturity: Kerry making all the same old accusations, but saying “Syria” everywhere he used to say, “America!”

But we have, as Hillary Clinton might say in somewhat different circumstances, “kem too fur tuh tarn back now!” Indeed, the bellicosity with which Secretary of State John Kerry’s most recent pronouncements rang was impressive, and his heartfelt lamentations regarding “the indiscriminate slaughter of civilians, the killing of women and children and innocent bystanders” were of a magnitude of conviction heretofore reserved exclusively for criticisms of his own military. The adventure must have seemed a masterstroke, initially, this idea of a few quick salients into evil Syria, goosing Dear Leader’s approval ratings while depriving the runaway scandal chatter of oxygen. Besides, there was that peskily irretractable quote about crossing a red line if Assad used nerve agents, followed by an apparent reluctance to act, which looked irresolute, because it was. It may be recalled that several reported uses of nerve gas preceded the now cardinal incident of 21 August, making the arbitrariness of the current indignation all the more evident.

The President listeth?

After considering the problems militarily and factoring in the near impossibility of determining who used the nerve gas in the first or second or third place, (it after all being to the rebel’s advantage to gas a few civilians to bring American might to bear against the government forces), and following the administration’s rather lackluster summation of the allegedly damnatory evidence that consisted of a monitored phone conversation that was instantly reminiscent of the monitored phone conversation adduced by Colin Powell at the UN back in 2001 “proving” that weapons of mass destruction were cached in Iraq…oops…and after Bashar Assad categorically denied using weapons of mass destruction, the whole picture became considerably less clear.

images barack alone

The leader of the Free World after the Free World left the room—a good time to “go all wobbly”?

As WOOF has pointed out on numerous occasions, Bashar Assad is a putrescent scoundrel whose preternaturally tiny head contains little thought of truth-telling or humanitarianism even in the calmest of times—but why would he do this now, exactly when he seems to have the upper hand against the rebel factions and exactly when Obama is committed, however injudiciously, to do something about it?  In fact, considerable evidence has been amassed implicating the rebels in the gassings of the 21st, as a glance at Adina Kutnicki’s totally hip and WOOF-approved web site will suffice to demonstrate. For Obama’s part he has carefully explained that “We do not believe that, given the delivery systems, using rockets, that the opposition could have carried out these attacks. We have concluded that the Syrian government in fact carried these out.” To interpret: the president does not believe that the opposition (Al Qaeda and Ansar al-Sharia—which is Libyan for Al Qaeda, otherwise known as our noble allies) could have used the nerve gas because the nerve gas is delivered by missiles, which these terrorist organizations (otherwise known as our noble allies) don’t possess. This is problematic in several respects, not least of which is the statement’s syntactically misshapen but carefully planted axiom. In reality there is no reason whatsoever that nerve gas cannot be delivered by mortar, artillery fire, IED, or the old heave ho. The rebels are well equipped with such options, in part courtesy of the CIA.

Brits out, now!

British PM David Cameron stumped for involvement but lost t parliament said "no!" Cameron expressed regret but underscored his belief "in respecting the will of this House of Commons." But he has yet to apologize for making "Titanic" or "Avatar."

British PM David Cameron urged involvement but Parliament said “no!” Cameron expressed regret but has yet to apologize for making “Titanic” and “Avatar.”

 And as these drawbacks grow more noticeable Our Beloved Helmsman seems to equivocate. The man who orotundly assured us that “There need to be international consequences,”  is now in earnest of assuring us that he has not made a decision, and that even when he does make a decision, he won’t decide to target Assad. (We just hope he doesn’t target Assad’s wife—she’s hot. Why do some total losers get chicks? But we digress…)  Obama is not alone in his equivocation as our staunch allies begin to ask themselves, (rather sensibly if unstaunchly), what on earth they would be doing and whom on earth they would actually be punishing– or aiding and abetting — by committing themselves to an air war over Syria.  Britain fell away with a thud on Thursday, and other “allies” (who obviously have no more faith in Obama’s word, wisdom or backbone than they do in, say, the Greek economy) are wobbling uncertainly in the moral vacuum. It may well be that the Bamster will have to go to Al Qaeda’s rescue alone, or nearly so, if he chooses to plunge ahead. This will make relatively little difference militarily, truth be told, but it looks bad on the surface—and Barack Obama is the consummate political surface dweller. Here is the man who excoriated George Bush for invading Iraq without UN sanction and without a declaration of war, preparing to launch attacks into Syria despite the UN Security Counsel’s refusal to approve the venture, and without so much as a congressional vote of support (which Bush sought and received). Where Bush had allies, whom Kerry memorable denounced as a coalition of the coerced and the bribed, Obama seems fresh out of allies and the only coerced and bribed coalition he has ever put together were the Democrats who passed national health care.

Consulting America’s “charter of negative liberties.”

images consAnd then there is the minor inconvenience of congress, and particularly that band of notorious haters and bitter clingers in the House who stand stubbornly between the Regime and the ultimate collectivization of America, sabotaging as they do our brilliant young president’s every progressive salient, obstructing his perfect vision, delaying the elevation of our rapaciously materialistic system into an enlightened matrix of Big Unions, undocumented aliens, and entitlement recipients. It seems highly unlikely that Obama will wrangle a vote of temporary support let alone a declaration of war out of these troglodytes, and to make matters worse, even the Democrats—who so obediently upheld the destruction of the world’s most effective medical system so that the IRS could seize control of every citizen’s health care, are balking at the Syrian operation. Most of this is just for appearances sake however. Even dyed in the wool peace-at-any-cost subversives like Barbara Lee and Jim McDermott are only mumbling in a pro forma kind of way.  Like all those supposedly pro-life Blue Dogs, they will shape-shift and support the White House when Obama passes the pork. But can the president use the War Powers Clause of the constitution to launch “police actions” without the consent of Congress? In the area of the War Powers Clause, the flexibility provided by the requirement is mootable. The President is often argued to be granted the right to defend the country, its people, or its manifest interests by virtue of Article I, Section 8, Clause 11. But  in 1973 a particularly dove-ish Congress passed the War Powers Resolution which requires the President to obtain either a declaration from Congress or a resolution specifically authorizing the use of force within 60 days of initiating hostilities. This, WOOF feels obliged to acknowledge, gives Obama two months to bomb Syrians without congressional approval, although other constitutional opinionists most definitely differ.

What’s the job pay?

It’s hard to see how Our Beloved Leader goes about making the current situation pay off for himself or his party—he miscalculated the value of threatened aggression and must now either aggress or demure. If the former, he risks tremendous ramifications militarily and geopolitically. If the later, he looks even more like a quintessentially indecisive wimp in the eyes of the world, and what remains of his prestige at home will be grossly diminished. If he attacks too little, he will appear to have underbid the crisis, and if he ventures too much he could launch a series of devastating confrontations throughout the region and beyond.

Waging just enough war to distract the home folks but not enough to get them upset--a relatively novel tactical problem.

Waging just enough war to distract the home folks but not enough to get them upset–a relatively novel tactical problem.

But America’s Student President has talked too much, promised too much and postured too much to simply change the subject. He cannot vote present; he must make a command decision, and the only certainty is that whatever decision he makes will be a bad one, if only because there are no good options on the table. The Bamster finds himself hogtied by his own propensity for bombast, and this only because he needed a break from all the scandal talk in Washington and his mouth got ahead of his brain–if only because he forgets from time to time that some of this is real. So now he is about to attack a country about which he knows nothing, in a region of which he is almost totally ignorant, without a single ally either on the ground or in the sky above—except the media! We may safely predict (and indeed we do), that the Liberal Establishment Media will “sing of arms and the man” as soon as Barack shoots his first cruise missile at some ammo dump, and Hollywood writers will go to work on film treatments depicting him as the lonely colossus, bringing the force of American arms to bear where lesser men feared to tread. Meanwhile, where can we get one of those bumper stickers? You know the ones—the ones sanctimoniously emblazoned with,“War is not the answer!”  We could use a few of those stickers this week. They’re not just for Priuses anymore!

obama for peace

Nobama?? WOOF’s crack psychic predicts TRAINWRECK 2013!

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on May 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm


Well, here we go again, relying on the psychic and occult powers of our very own Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters, resident of beautiful, faraway Zug, Switzerland, and WOOF’s very own seer, prophesier and mystic, providing psychic services exclusively to Watchdogs of Our Freedom since—well—since about 6 months ago when we put him in charge of our Occult Divinations Division (ODD). Now, as a glance at Dr. Walters’s previous contributions to our pages will suffice to demonstrate, our staff prophet has racked up a pretty good record and helped WOOF in its efforts to report the news before it actually happens, as we did with the Republican budgetary collapse back in December (which see).  In fact, we can honestly say, the good Doctor is batting darned near a thousand.

Dr. Walters stresses his point.

Dr. Walters stresses his point…”Gone-zo!”

Nevertheless, when the Doctor approached us with his latest psychic afflatus, we confess we were torn as to whether we should broach it to our beloved readers, especially given the dramatic nature of its content. We wish to emphasize that only the broadest aspects of what we are about to assert reflect Dr. Walters’s actual divinations, and the rest of our article is purely speculative—or rather, the facts we confidently adduce for your perusal are firm, but whether they will constitute contributing factors to the outcome so confidently predicted by Doctor Goot’ (as we affectionately refer to him) remains to be seen! Okay, let’s be clear, or as Richard Milhous Nixon would say, let us be perfectly clear. When we splashed this piece as the prediction of a train wreck, we were not predicting a literal train wreck…no, WOOF was waxing metaphoric, beloved readers—but perhaps you sensed that? For indeed, the train wreck that Dr. Walters is now insisting will occur this year, and he bets his best turban on it by the way, is nothing of any less moment than the collapse of the Obama Administration in its entirety—as in, to use Dr. Walters’s term, “gone-zo…” (is that Swiss?), and we will be the first to admit this seems unlikely in the extreme.  Indeed, we would not consider giving voice to the prediction were it not for Dr. Goot’s overwhelming level of certitude, the adamancy with which he advanced his views, and his near-perfect oracular record!

Doc Goot emphasizes that the "train wreck" will be an organizational problem.

Dr. Walters emphasizes that the “train wreck” will be an organizational problem.

One thing both Dr. W and we here in the WOOF cave wish to emphasize is that the Doctor’s psychic vision is of organizational failure and political discomfiture.  Nobody should read into this prediction that any physical harm is foreseen in any way shape or form for the President or any of his people—this is not what the Doctor is predicting. He has predicted a political disaster, and insists that no taint of violence besmirches his fatidic vision, just a lot of governmental wreckage—otherwise WOOF would not report the story, first because we are conscientious, ethical right-wing wackos  and secondly because we know how many of our readers experience overwhelming panic at the thought of a Biden presidency!

biden 2016

So what is Dr. Walters’s prediction exactly? Well, he was apparently doing some “distance viewing” last weekend—whatever that is– and realized that the Obama Administration, qua the Obama Administration, cannot be viewed as an organizational entity beyond 2013. According to Dr. Goot, there is a massive cloud of turmoil engulfing the entire concept of Obama-ism as a sociopolitical proposition, and then…the future depicts nothing. Well, for Obama-ism, that is. He told us that Obama can be distance viewed beyond this point, but not in conjunction with the White House or American politics. He told us a lot of other stuff, too—but we didn’t really understand any of it. So naturally we asked Dr. Walters if there was some indication as to the cause of this stunning disintegration of the twice-elected government of the First Marxist, and Dr. Walters assured us that he could see only what he saw, and nothing further. Imagine our frustration. So what were we to do with this trance-induced tidbit, gentle readers?  We thought long and hard and then concluded that we would present the prediction as such, and then present our 3 best guesses as to how it might unfold. And what if it doesn’t unfold as predicted? Well, we here at WOOF despise polls—you know, the kind you can do on your blog site or web page—because we never look to polls to shape our notoriously infidelic views, so who needs them? But in this case, in the event that Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters should prove incorrect, we may institute a poll to determine what our readers believe his fate should be; i.e., should he be ejected from WOOF ignominiously, or simply removed from his directorship of ODD, or retained on the basis of past performance, or just what?  Meanwhile, assuming he’s on target with this latest and most ambitious prediction, what on earth could lead to such a comeuppance for the ‘Bamster? What follows are WOOF’s three best guesses as to what may be about to ensue!

One of three: The train wreck that dares to speak its name:

Max Baucus sees that train a-comin'!

Max Baucus–he sees that train a-comin’!

Certainly the most conspicuous “train wreck” looming in Our Beloved Leader’s future is the on-rushing catastrophe that will be National Health Care! All by itself it threatens to nuke the entire Democrat brand, and Democrats are beginning to sense this. Most notably, Max Baucus, chairman of the high-powered Senate Finance Committee, took a moment out of his busy day to think about the impending ObamaCare fiasco and remark, “I just see a huge train wreck coming down!” Wow, Max—what a shame this didn’t occur to you sooner—like while you were playing an instrumental role in cramming the whole thing down our throats!  But other Democrats are beginning to realize that stuff really happens when you flush the greatest system of medical care in history down the toilet and replace it with the North Korean model. Senator Ron Wyden (D-Oregon) joined the ranks of the officially concerned last week, observing that young people are liable to act up once they see their insurance rates “shoot up.” Of course the threat of spiking insurance rates among voters perturbs Wyden only, it seems, in that adorably self-interested way particular to the ruling elites, as the Senator waxed shrillest upon realizing that, “this is going to wash into the United States Senate in a hurry!”


Wyden succumbs to solipsistic dread.

Even unions are beginning to comprehend the blow they’ll be dealt. For example, the United Union of Roofers, Waterproofers and Allied Workers is now urging repeal of ObamaCare—because they just realized it will put American workers out of business. How can medical care put workers out of business? Simple—it teams up with Obama’s equally wonderful immigration reform bill, which grants 11 million illegal aliens  “provisional legal status” to remain stateside and obtain jobs—but did we mention they aren’t obligated to get health insurance? So what sort of wing nut would hire a citizen, with all the red tape and expense that entails, when provisional aliens are so handy?

Many aliens sit around jobless--but becoming provisional aliens will change all that!

Many aliens sit around jobless–but becoming provisional aliens will change all that!

Just in general, the 4,000 page monstrosity that is the “Affordable Care Act” adds up to disaster. The Society of Actuaries is estimating that “affordable health” will raise the  cost of individual plans on exchanges more than 80% in many states… and of course we’ll also enjoy the customary socialist trimmings, namely higher taxes, higher premiums, punishing cuts in Medicare, the disintegration of private insurance companies, loss of access to doctors, the destruction of our already badly bludgeoned economy by the overwhelming debt of socialized medical treatment for 300 million Americans, and, last but not least, Death Panels, which will come with bureaucratic control of your medical decisions. They’ll probably call them something cheerfully paradoxical though, like maybe “Life Choice,” or, “Outward Bound!” (No wait, that’s taken, right?)

NEWSWEEK floats a balloon-- but then they pulled the plug on NEWSWEEK.

NEWSWEEK floated the balloon– but then they pulled the plug on NEWSWEEK.

So is ObamaCare the likely undoing of Our Beloved Helmsman’s five-year anti-American rampage? Well, it certainly will shake things up, that’s for sure. But does it fit the prophecy? By definition, no, since the full poop storm isn’t scheduled to hit us until 2014, and Doc Goot’s augury is for 2013. And there is little indication that public awareness could trigger a reaction before the event. Consider that recent polls have shown that four out of ten Americans have no clue that the Affordable Care Act is the law of the land. Twelve percent of our countrymen think Congress repealed it. Seven percent think the Supreme Court overturned it despite Justice Roberts’s last-minute fit of the vapors, and 23 percent admit they have no idea. If this level of ignorance disheartens you, dear readers, WOOF feels your pain (click here to see possible explanation), but it remains difficult to see the train wreck of health care as the likely agent of Obama’s political demise.

Two of three: Benghazi and the whole Arab kerfuffle

Now here’s the proverbial shite brick in the punch bowl, beloved readers! To review, in case some readers are coming to us from the major networks, Benghazi is a city in Libya where, on the night of September 11, 2012, heavily armed Al Qaeda operatives overran the American Consulate and a nearby annex killing Ambassador Chris Stevens, and three other Americans during an eight hour battle while the Obama administration did nothing whatsoever (see previous report). And despite the best efforts of a Liberal Media Establishment whose collective purpose is now to spike the news rather than report it (sort of like the fire department in Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 started fires instead of putting them out), some tenacious congressmen have kept the spotlight on this enormity. And now the whistle blowers are showing up on the Hill!

Hill' on the Hill--what difference does it make?!

Hill’ on the Hill–what difference does it make?!

We know now that Hillary Clinton (whom Tina Brown taught us to call “Her Magnificence”) worked her fingers to the bone yanking all references to Al Qaeda out of the signals traffic, and even tried to cut her own counter-terrorism bureau out of the loop, for reasons that remain mysterious. Further allegations regarding Her Magnificence are known to be forthcoming, including testimony by former State Department employees who say they were subjected to threats intended to discourage them from talking to congress or the press. Her Magnificence, meanwhile, has attempted to establish that she was absent during the Benghazi disaster, and later misled by the Intelligence Community as to its nature. But WOOF knows that Mrs. Clinton was very much present and on the job during the attack on her embassy, busily deleting all references to Al Qaeda, shutting down all information that should normally have gone to her own counter-terrorism units, and helping to invent the bizarre story that the attack comprised a few local hotheads incensed over the creation of a film about Mohammed—a film that nobody ever saw or heard of until the Obama Whitehouse fingered it as culpable in the entire matter. Thus equipped with the thinnest, least plausible cover story since dogs first ate homework, the Regime shoved its U.N. ambassador, Susan Rice, out to destroy her career by appearing on every Liberal Media outlet over that weekend repeating the palpable balderdash that the consulate came under attack because of a YouTube video. And let it not be forgotten that Rappin’ Preezy Himself stood before the assembled United Nations and repeated the whole idiotic story, replete with bilious effusions in defense of free speech (even as the hapless filmmaker was tracked down and clapped in prison, where he remains to this day—America’s only authentic political prisoner).

The infamous film maker -WOOF's 2012 person of year!

The infamous film maker -WOOF’s 2012 person of year!

WOOF knows that this story is only beginning to break, and that the long term revelations, if they are permitted to transpire, will be devastating to the Obama Regime, as well as Mrs. Clinton, whose entire tenure as Secretary of State was an unmitigated catastrophe. WOOF also knows that two other sore points of a Middle Eastern origin are beginning to develop traction and threaten the Presidential image. First, the President’s inability to make good on his threat to intervene in Syria if chemical weapons were used has caused him to appear craven even to those who are not routinely perceptive of this trait in his character, and the explanation for his reluctance is simple and formulaic. The President supports any Middle Eastern initiative that is rabidly anti-American (as in Libya and Egypt) and refuses to intervene in any Middle Eastern initiative that might prove authentically democratic or pro-American (as in Iran or Syria). Why? The President is a communist, gentle readers. We keep telling you this, but we know it’s hard for many of you to accept.

Meanwhile, back at the mosque….

Saudi contact Alharbi, just before he was never a suspect.

Saudi contact Alharbi, just before he was never a suspect.

Oh, and then there’s the papered-over Saudi connection to the Boston terror bombings. WOOF believes the Marathon bombings were largely engineered and orchestrated by Saudi operatives, fronted by party boy Abdul Rahman Ali Alharbi, who was arrested the day of the attack and whose family is known to maintain connections with Al Qaeda. But on the day of the attack, hasty and confidential meetings were held involving the President, Janet Napolitano, and Secretary of State John Kerry with various highly-placed Saudi officials. In the immediate wake of these meetings, Alharbi was sheep dipped, as they say at CIA.  In other words, his record was cleansed of all incriminating details.  In one swell foop, Alharbi was removed from the no-fly list, and his 212 (3b) file—the least equivocal of all terrorist classifications assignable by the National Targeting Center (NTC), was caused to disappear in a puff of blue smoke. Alharbi, who was slightly wounded in the explosions in Boston, was originally held under arrest. It was at this point that CNN’s news reader, John King, was correctly informed by his trusted police source that a suspect was in custody and it was an Arab—a Saudi. In the name of political correctness, however, King could not bring himself to report the news, blubbering, “I’m making a personal judgment — forgive me, I think it’s the right judgment — not to try to inflame tensions,” but, King finally admitted, “they say it’s a dark-skinned male. I’m gonna stop there.” (He couldn’t quite make himself say “Arab.”)

Janet Napolitano

Secretary Napolitano: “…full with misstatements!”

Meanwhile, Alharbi went from being under arrest to being a suspect to being a person of interest to being a wounded bystander. Busy day. Next, he was to be “deported” (read: exfiltrated) , but Glenn Beck took such dogged possession of the story on his radio and television broadcasts that suddenly Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced that he, Alharbi,  was not being deported, was never about to be deported, and was really somebody else anyway, not who Beck thought he was. When Congressman Jeff Duncan (R-SC) evinced sufficient temerity to ignore this bilge and simply ask Napolitano why she had, in fact, been about to deport a foreign national who only days before was the top suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings, Madam Secretary was driven to fresh heights of eloquence, replying, “I’m not going to answer that question. That question is so full with misstatements and misapprehensions that it is not worthy of an answer. There’s been so much reported on this that’s been wrong, I can’t even begin to tell you!” (And so she didn’t!) Might the Middle East contain the seeds of Our Beloved Helmsman’s discomfiture? It is certainly a possibility—and Her Magnificence isn’t looking too good here either!

Three of three—the Martian connection!

Recently Bernard Mendez (right) divulged that he too is a "jump room" veteran who remembers meeting young Obama on Mars.

Recently Bernard Mendez (left) divulged that he too is a “jump room” veteran who remembers meeting young Obama on Mars.

Yes, we here at WOOF were inclined to disregard this one, until we heard it officially denied by Tommy Vietor, the spokesman for the National Security Council. Then we began to wonder. And when Major Ed Dames, formerly of the Army’s Project Star Gate (a distance viewing and psychic warfare program sponsored by the Central Intelligence Agency) denied having prepared future sojourners on Mars for their odyssey during training and orientation sessions held at California’s College of the Siskiyous in 1980, we became even more interested. Of course, all the details of Project Pegasus, the DARPA project to teleport earth residents to the red planet, are entirely classified. Normally, one would not have expected a single hint of its existence to slip into the information stream—but Andrew Basiago, a successful Washington-state lawyer turned whistle blower, came forward in 2008 to say that he was part of the project. Basiago initially attempted to document his experiences through learned treatises on the topography and fauna of Mars which he submitted to the National Geographic Society, but the Society, understandably, thought he was insane. Frustrated, Basiago “outed” himself publicly through a series of media interviews in which he revealed the truth about his teenage years spent in large part, he insisted, transporting between the CIA “jump room” in El Segundo, and the surface of Mars. And among Basiago’s most controversial claims: his class of trainees included a young man called Barry Soetoro, otherwise known as Barack Obama. No sooner had the National Security Counsel denied that President Obama was part of a clandestine program to colonize Mars than a second graduate of Project Pegasus came forward in the person of William Stillings who averred, “I can confirm that Andrew D. Basiago and Barack Obama (then using the name “Barry Soetoro”) were in my Mars training course in Summer 1980 and that during the time period 1981 to 1983, I encountered Andy, Courtney M. Hunt of the CIA, and other Americans on the surface of Mars after reaching Mars via the jump room in El Segundo.”

Irwin Allen's TV show "The Time Tunnel" may have been based on Project Pegasus!

Irwin Allen’s  mid-60s TV show “The Time Tunnel” may have been based on Project Pegasus!

Subsequently a number of others have come forward as well, many boasting academic degrees and professional associations that WOOF has not been able to confirm—but before you dismiss these additional witnesses, bear in mind that the jump room was, according to all who claim knowledge of it, a time relocation device, as well as a transportation tool! Yes, dear readers, as we have told you in our Science and the Paranormal section, Barack Obama may be a chrononaut, which would enable him, for example, to erase the academic records and curricula vitae of certain individuals even before they existed—or hide his own records of birth someplace on Mars, or drop them off somewhere before he was actually born. Yes, and a chrononaut could exist several times, over and over, in various life experiments until settling on one that resulted in the American Presidency, which might explain why Our Beloved Helmsman has so many issues involving various social security cards assigned to him, including one that gives evidence of originating in Connecticut, where he never lived or worked—but may have lived and worked in an alternative life experiment.  In fact, the President may have been born in Hawaii after or before he was born in Kenya, right? Truly, once one factors chrononautics into the game, there is no end to what might be hidden, recreated, altered or achieved! The mind boggles, does it not?

Well, we’re here!


Obama allegedly made his first jump to Mars at the age of nineteen–although he does not appear to be on Mars in this photo.

Okay, so what WOOF is really by way of suggesting here, as our third category of potential deal breakers for the Obama Administration, and placing under the Martian rubric for conversation’s sake, is what we might more generally call the weirdness factor. Something about the meteoric rise to incompetence of Barack Hussein Obama is simply weird…and one need not believe any specific item on the list to acknowledge that the list seems far too lengthy and far too murky in far too many ways to amount to nothing. From the bizarre assortment of social security numbers to the hermetically sealed college transcripts to the suppressed college essays to the belatedly supplied birth certificate that many experts have declared fraudulent, (including the Israel Science and Technology website), to the striking paucity of anyone who knew Obama in Hawaii…what’s going on? Why did his own grandmother say he was born in Kenya? Why do press brochures for his first book say the same thing? Can he be considered a natural citizen when his father was a British Subject? Why does his autobiography describe a girlfriend who turns out not to have existed, obliging the President to admit he made up a composite girlfriend? How did he manage to listen to Jeremiah Wright spew antisemitism, racism, anti-Americanism and Liberation Theology for 20 years but never hear a word of it—and yet quote a good deal of it in his book, Dreams from my Father?

Barry Soetoro arrives on mars-- what's in the sack, Barry? Is it still up there?

Barry Soetoro arrives on mars– what’s in the sack, Barry? Is it still up there?

Why does he refuse to share his health records, or allow a glimpse of his passport? Why do Columbia University’s records show that he graduated with a BA in 1991, but Obama says he attended in 1981? Why does leaked FBI information suggest Obama was in Pakistan in 1981—and okay, if he’s a chrononaut this could make sense, but otherwise it’s a major discrepancy, isn’t it? In fact, when one objectively reviews the nearly endless tangle of contradictory details constituting Our Beloved Helmsman’s biography, one is left to conclude that the only plausible alternative to an inference of deception is the availability of time travel as an optional explanation. If we are inclined to accept the testimony of, say, Robert Dean (another ostensible witness to the Pegasus project) about probes to past and future events, including time reviews conducted by “teleportation and chronovision” then Obama’s participation in Mars exploration and his time-line of twisted inconsistencies actually make sense. Otherwise?  Otherwise we see a treasure trove of damnatory irregularities begging to be vetted by an awakened press corps—and as the events in Benghazi and the cruel realities of ObamaCare become inescapably obvious, the media may at least consider taking a discreet peak. (Or maybe not.) We here at WOOF, meanwhile, are not wholly prepared to abandon the Project Pegasus story. Certain elements of it, properly considered, contain a persuasive verisimilitude. Take for example Basiago’s account of “jumping” from El Segundo to Mars with the 19-year-old Obama. His remembrance of the event precisely encapsulates the wit and observational acuity that even today defines our President—could Basiago simply confect conversations that ring so true? For example, he vividly recalls the doors of the jump chamber rolling open, recalls standing there with the future president as together they gazed upon the vast revealed vistas of Mars, and remembers Obama’s words to him on that occasion: “Well, we’re here.”


“Well–we’re here!”

“When performing rocket surgery, always set your light saber on stun”– is Obama’s mind lost in space, or too stellar for earthly comprehension?

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on March 16, 2013 at 4:59 pm
Hope he didn't tell Nichelle Nichols how unforgettable she was as Princess Leia!

Hope he didn’t tell Nichelle Nichols how unforgettable she was as Princess Leia!

True to our journalistic standards, WOOF took an exclusive lead last week in revealing that the President of the United States cannot differentiate James T. Kirk, a future native of Riverside, Ohio, from Obi Wan Kenobi who isn’t even an American. As we pointed out in last Sunday’s “Woof Bites,” President Obama concluded his confidential remarks at the annual Gridiron Dinner– the first ever Gridiron Dinner to be closed to the press (even though the press are the audience)—by announcing that he wanted “to thank everybody for not just a wonderful evening” but also wished to leave his devoted sycophants in the Washington Press Corpse “with the words of one of my favorite Star Trek characters, James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, ‘may the force be with you!’”

James Tiberius Kirk, right? Everybody still with us?

James Tiberius Kirk, right? Everybody still with us?

Okay, so James T. Kirk is one of President Obama’s favorite Star Trek characters, but he can’t keep him individuated in his consciousness from a character in an entirely disparate film played by an Englishman, the late Sir Alec Guinness. In fact, “rappin’ preezy” has clearly failed to mentally assimilate a pop-cultural aphorism so basic to Americana that any six year old could have straightened him out regarding it.

Obi Wan Kenobi--not Kirk, right? We good?

Obi Wan Kenobi–not Kirk, right? We good?

And one of our ever-alert Woofketeers emailed us to say that the presidential bollix at the Gridiron Dinner was not the first time Our Beloved Helmsman confused Star Trek with Star Wars—no, this threatens to become an habitual problem. Our sources reminded us (okay, we didn’t even know about this one, so we weren’t technically reminded so much as informed) that Dear Leader did just about the same thing back on March 1 of this year when he spoke of his desire to “do a Jedi mind meld” with the Republicans in congress to persuade them that his most recent offer was a good deal. Mind melds, however, are Vulcan (as in Star Trek), not Jedi (as in Star Wars). Jedi, so far as anyone knows, have no clue how to perform mind melds and are in any case moralists who would never employ such a technique to deceive congress, even if they knew how.

This strange inability to get American iconography correct is a consistent problem for the President who, readers may recall, once reminded a cheering crowd in Cincinnati that, “We’re the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad,” oblivious, seemingly of the impossibility of building an Intercontinental Railroad without bridging the Atlantic and the Pacific for starters. As for the transcontinental railroad, which is presumably what was intended, it seems safe to assert that had Obama been president in 1869 instead of Grant, he would have banned the enterprise because a) all the locomotives burned coal, b) the railroad magnates did not pay federal taxes, c) the transcontinental rail opened up the West enabling white imperialistic racists from the East to further subjugate the Native American tribes, and d) the connecting spike was driven in Utah, which everyone knows is full of Mormons.

The Transcontinental Railroad is completed in Promontory, Utah. If it was the Intercontinental Railroad, they have met up mid-ocean, right?

The Transcontinental Railroad is completed in Promontory, Utah. If it was the Intercontinental Railroad, they’d have met up mid-ocean, right?

Well, WOOF has resisted thus far the temptation to present a portmanteau of Our Magnificent Helmsman’s weirdly discordant pronouncements, mainly because doing so struck us as just a trifle facile and unnecessarily distracting from our important mission of uncovering deep-rooted communist subversion at home and abroad. Pausing to detail the First Marxists’s gaffes seemed unsporting, somehow— like shooting fish in a barrel—although, didn’t the Mythbusters prove that’s harder than it seems? That’s a good show. But anyway, with the Gridiron incident it seemed somehow ineluctable that we should set aside our principles long enough to reprise the record of this bizarre man, whom the Liberal Media Establishment has wasted no effort persuading us, going on five years now, is the single most brilliant individual ever to bestride American affairs of state. And speaking of cognitive dissonance– how is the public to relate these unremitting assertions of presidential genius to the funfest of addle-pate bloopers that radiate routinely from the presidential podium?

Obama's alleged brilliance-- is it true genius, or just media hype run amok?

Obama’s alleged brilliance– is it true genius, or just media hype run amok?

The Obaman capacity to wax simultaneously narcissistic and joltingly tone deaf has been apparent from the beginning of his regime. When the terrorist shootings at Fort Hood (November 5th 2009) resulted in 13 dead and 29 wounded, all gunned down by Major Nidal Malik Hasan as he shouted “Allah Akbar,” the nation turned to its young President for words of solace and a promises of swift justice. Instead, Obama bounded on stage at a Tribal Nations Conference as though he were emceeing a variety show and jovially thanked the members of his staff “who participated today!” Next he added, “I heard that Joe Medicine Crow was around, and so I want to give a shout out to that Congressional Medal of Honor winner—it’s good to see you!” After which, Medicine Crow got a round of enthusiastic applause despite the fact that he wasn’t around, and therefore couldn’t be seen. Nor had Joe Medicine Crow ever received the Congressional Medal of Honor. Obama had in fact awarded him the Medal of Freedom only two weeks earlier, but he obviously didn’t comprehend the difference. When Obama finally got around to saying a few words about the Fort Hood slayings, it was inexcusable mush.

Joe Medicine Crow receives the Medal of Freedom as the President captures the spirit of the moment!

Joe Medicine Crow receives the Medal of Freedom as the President captures the spirit of the moment!

On the other extreme, the president just as frequently showed a considerable talent for melodramatizing tragedies, as when he solemnly informed the press, “In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.”  Actually 12 people died. It obviously helps secure the president’s sympathies if one is killed by someone or something other than a Muslim terrorist. The president’s sensitivity to Islam may be born of his own ambivalence, as he once spoke on live television of his gratitude to Senator McCain for not having “…talked about my Muslim faith” during the campaign. Ever the dedicated and objective journalist, ABC liberal George Stephanopoulos hastily reminded candidate Obama, “You mean your Christian faith,” to which Obama replied, “uh—Christian faith.

Militarily helpless?

Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta is first living recipient of the Medal of Honor in 40 years-- pride is written all over the President's face.

Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta is first living recipient of the Medal of Honor in 40 years– pride is written all over the President’s face.

And the business of confusing the nation’s highest military honor, so sacred that it is saluted automatically by any member of the military regardless of rank, and awarded preponderantly to those who gave their lives in acts of extraordinary courage, with the Medal of Freedom—awarded by presidential caprice (consider that Frank Sinatra won one), bespeaks a profound ignorance, indeed, ignorance of and contempt for, the American military. You may recall the occasion on which President Obama attempted to salute a United States Navy corpsman named Christopher Brossard, but referred to him as  “Navy Corpse Man Christian Brossard” thus getting his first name wrong and transforming him from a medical specialist into a zombie in one fell swoop. The president proceeded to call Brossard a “corpse man” throughout his remarks. Most Americans can pronounce “corpsman” (pronounced core-man, of course) because even if they’ve never served in the Marines or the Navy they’ve seen war movies where Marines get wounded and yell for one. The idea, however, of our brilliant young president sitting through John Wayne in The Sands of Iwo Jima, for example, seems oddly surreal. You know in your hips, don’t you beloved readers, that Obama has never in his lifetime seen a John Wayne movie.  And his weird obsession with zombie-like military figures was recycled at a Memorial Day ceremony where he thrust out his jaw and declared “…our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — ” Well, they say Lincoln saw ghosts, so maybe the First Marxist was furthering his efforts at consanguinity with the sixteenth president, who may also have been in the audience, although Barack didn’t mention seeing him.

life is tough

John Wayne movies–perhaps a gap in the President’s education?

At certain times, as we’ve all come to realize, the Presidential Teleprompter malfunctions—and most of us have also come to realize that on such occasions the President’s eloquence has a habit of trailing off into incoherent sentence fragments—like the time he suggested that a lot of little kids in emergency rooms probably just need breathalyzers.(We think he meant inhalers.)  But when it comes to military occasions we are deprived of even the routine incoherencies. During a White House appearance intended to glorify the Obama administration’s efforts to mainstream military veterans into the workforce, the President took to the podium and appeared to freeze solid. He didn’t make his speech, he didn’t make small talk, he didn’t do anything. Instead, the President stood as though frozen at his podium for an unsettling minute and a twenty seconds during which time the audience became increasingly restive, so that the President finally looked nervously at the room and explained, “Just waiting, here,” which recitation of the blatantly obvious did little to mollify the increasingly agitated crowd. .

At no time did the President indicate what he was waiting for, but most probably his prompter simply hadn’t uploaded his speech in time for his entrance…in other words, his teleprompter malfunctioned.  Most politicians would have joked with the crowd, made a few impromptu remarks, possibly voiced a few aphorisms about the importance of our military men and women—but not Obama. He was struck dumb by the failure of his prompter—without an authentic thought in his head about the serving military, or its alumni. Finally, a member of the audience cupped his hands about his mouth and shouted “Awwwwk-ward!” A few seconds later, the teleprompter flamed to life, and the President began his remarks as though he had just entered the room.

boatsWhile debating Mitt Romney, Obama denied his opponent’s assertion that the Navy is smaller under his presidency than it was in 1916, (Romney had actually said 1917, the year we entered World War One, but Obama missed the point). Speaking of points, the President dismissed the drastic reduction in naval firepower, telling Romney, “We also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed.” Liberals in the audience guffawed at the spectacle of Romney being schooled on modern military realities by the savvy young Commander in Chief—but somebody forgot to brief the savvy young Commander in Chief regarding bayonets. Every Army and Marine rifleman is issued a bayonet and trained in its use. Horses may be gone, but a bayonet still snaps under the barrel of every military rifle. Perhaps this fact was just too yucky for consideration by whichever Team Obama member created that particular retort in anticipation of Romney’s logically foreseeable criticism.


M-4 with newest bayonet–a sticking point in the debate?

Surreal Geography

Then we have the problem of geography. Why would the most brilliant human being ever to occupy the Oval Office call Iran “just a tiny country,” or give a speech in Hawaii (November 16th, 2011) and refer to himself as being “here in Asia?” Gosh, the man was allegedly born in Hawaii—does he think he was born in Asia?  He is also famous for remarking during a speech in Austria that “Political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States…there’s a lot of — I don’t know what the term is in Austrian, wheeling and dealing.”

DID YOU KNOW? Though born in Austria, Hitler could not speak a word of Austrian!

DID YOU KNOW? Though born in Austria, Hitler could not speak a word of Austrian!

But of course there is no term in Austrian for “wheeling and dealing,” because there is no such language as Austrian—Austrians speak German—you know, like Hitler? Born in Linz, Austria, right Mr. President?  And yes, we could probably forgive a man, even a man of the President’s towering genius, for forgetting, while giving a speech in Austria, that the native tongue was not “Austrian,” except that when he made speech he was in Strasbourg, which he clearly assumed to be in Austria but which is the ninth largest city in France.  And Asia and France are not the only parts of the globe that bewilder our brilliant young president. He promised an El Paso audience in 2011 that border security was tight, declaring that “For the first time we’re screening 100 percent of the southbound rail shipments,” –problem being, of course, that it would be the northbound shipments smuggling in contraband of concern in this country.

In 2008 Candidate Obama gave a stirring speech at the site of the historic voting rights march in Selma, Alabama, in which he wowed the crowd with the story of how his mom and dad met each other because of the Selma march which so moved President Kennedy, Barack explained, that he established a program to bring African blacks to America to study here on scholarships—and thus Barack’s dad came to the States and met Barack’s mom, and they fell in love and had little Barack. Got that? Except that if you think about it, what Senator Obama told the audience was that because of the Selma march in 1965, President Kennedy established a scholarship for Africans (pretty noble of him, especially considering he’d been dead for two years) and as a result, Barack Obama Senior came to these shores in 1960, five years before the march in Selma inspired the late President to establish the scholarship that got him here, thus meeting his bride to be so that little Barack could be born in 1961—only four years before the march that would unite his parents. Got that? (If you think this proves the theory of time travel, WOOF has also considered this, see our Science and the Paranormal menu selection above for evidence that Obama may be a chrononaut!)  The alternative, and admittedly less interesting explanation is that Kennedy did in fact establish the program that brought Obama’s daddy to America, but did so when he, Kennedy, was a Senator, not President as Obama wrongly asserted, thus the timeline works perfectly except for the part about Selma, which Obama just lied about to please the crowd. Confusing? Hey, the crowd ate it up!

Each American president must concern himself with the problems of the Middle East, but none has put this more concisely than our Dear Leader, who told a crowd inharder in israel Tampa Florida (April 29, 2010) that, “The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.” As a candidate he also boldly reminded a crowd of perplexed Jordanians that, “Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under a McCain…administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change.” (Amman, Jordan, July 22, 2008) While actually in Israel, President Obama touted his determination to get tough on Iran, telling a crowd in the city of Sderot: “Just this past week, we passed out of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee — which is my committee — a bill to call for divestment from Iran as a way of ratcheting up the pressure to ensure that they don’t obtain a nuclear weapon.” The Israeli press is not the American News Media, however, and they did something that no self-respecting American journalist would dream of doing—they fact checked Obama—discovering that he had never served on the Senate Banking Committee. Oh, Bamster!

How’s it going, Sunshine?

Nor do the Presidents difficulties with domestic geography end with believing the state of his birth to be in Asia. He made a broadcast via satellite to the Democratic Convention in 2008, declaring, “I’m here with the Girardo family here in St. Louis.” He was actually in Kansas City. And so, in the interest of accuracy, was the Girardo family.

It is widely publicized by right-wing opinionists that the President thinks there are 57 states because of a remark he made to a reporter during his 2008 campaign swing through Beaverton, Oregon. But this is untrue. The President actually said, “I’ve now been in 57 states, I think– one left to go.” So that would be 58 states in the Obama Nation, just to be perfectly accurate. And then there was the time he found himself campaigning in Sunrise, Florida and greeted the crowd by shouting, “How’s it going, Sunshine?”

On the road

Every politician is prey to lapsus linguae while enduring the rigors of the campaign trail—but Our Beloved Helmsman is particularly adept at misstating matters in ways that say more than the intended remark would have.  In New Hampshire in 2009 the newly elected Obama was trying to make the case for government efficiency and the blessings of socialized health care. Oddly, he came up with the fact that, “UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right?” Taking stock of his audience’s failure to comprehend this logic, he added, “It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems,” thus confuting his own point. He may still have had the postal system in mind when he explained in a speech made in Washington DC (July, 2009) that “The reforms we seek would bring greater …inefficiencies to our health care system.”

There were the arithmetically challenged moments, such as the exhortation to return to American manufacturing “making products we sell around the world, stamped with three proud words: Made in the USA!”

Then there was the chilling moment in Springfield, Illinois when, during a campaign stop, Obama introduced Joe Biden to a wildly applauding assemblage as “The next President,” which WOOF profoundly hopes was in no sense prophetic.

President Biden? Come off it, Barack!

President Biden? Come off it, Barack!

What WOOF knows….

WOOF is convinced, based on certain reliable sources and some sophisticated meditative noodling, that Barack Obama, the smartest man ever to occupy the Oval Office. according to the communal wisdom of the American media,  has a room-temperature IQ between 116 and 126, on the Wechsler Scale.  From the inception of his political career, strange and powerful forces have enforced an ironclad secrecy about Our Beloved Helmsman’s college applications, records, writings, and transcripts that has led many to the natural assumption that a great deal is being purposefully hidden. WOOF knows these grades were not sufficient to justify his transfer to Columbia University in 1981 from a small school in Los Angeles (Occidental College), which he was attending on a mysterious scholarship. Next came his acceptance by Harvard’s Law School—and his evident graduation cum laude in 1991. We are allowed to read the cum laude part, but forbidden to examine his transcripts. And who paid for Obama to attend Harvard? Michelle says he went by means of student loans, but WOOF knows that records of such loans being made or repaid, which should be readily obtainable, do not exist. And even stranger than this is the fact that Obama’s records from kindergarten through high school (presumably in Hawaii) are missing. Even Obama’s family’s application to the Punahou School in Hawaii has vanished—and WOOF knows the application contained his actual birth certificate and relevant information.

Didn't he know these composite girlfriends never work out?

Didn’t he know these composite girlfriends never work out?

The Western Center for Journalism, (see WOOF LINKS below) estimates that the President’s personal legal team has spent 1.4 million dollars blocking access to documents that should be public information.. Besides his entire academic history, the President has directed that Americans be shooed away from his medical history, and one cannot rely on his two autobiographies for data because, as has become increasingly apparent even to a perplexed Media Establishment, they are mainly fiction—even the President’s girlfriend, whom he describes at length in “Dreams From My Father”—turned out to be non-existent, requiring Obama to acknowledge that she was “a composite of several girlfriends.” How eerie is that?

WOOF also knows that a variety of social security cards and numbers have been associated with Barack Obama, which fact alone is bizarre in the extreme, but even odder is the fact that the card now referenced by Obama in his official record was issued in Connecticut in 1976—whereas the President never lived or worked in Connecticut and was in any case only 15 years old at the time of issuance.  Considering that there is no evidence of the President ever having had, you know, a job—as in a real job–this seems particularly incomprehensible, since relatively few cushy high-dollar sinecures are available, even in the brie & chablis haut monde of the liberal ruling elite, for 15-year olds.

OMG, He's a freaking lizard!!

OMG, He’s a freaking lizard!!

To put in plainly, gentle readers, we have twice elected to the most powerful office in the world a man about whom we know less than we do about the Chinese emperors of the Sung Dynasty. What we are told of him by a unanimously adulatory media establishment is no more actual than what one might learn from the Nuremberg Chronicle about Prester John.  And yet the American journalistic establishment steadfastly ignores these mysteries and devotes itself to savaging any who dare enquire. WOOF knows that the answers to these riddles are known to the Red Chinese and Russian intelligence services, however…so why are they not forthcoming with the incriminating details? Because blackmail only works so long as the inculpatory secrets are withheld….and in any case, why would a man largely raised and tutored by Communist Party leader Frank Marshall Davis be disinclined  to preside in a fashion amenable to Communist goals? You know, like, maybe devastate the economy, preach Marxist class warfare from the podium, gut the military, redistribute wealth, shred the constitution and disarm the people?  And the really embarrassing part is, as you have just seen, it doesn’t take a genius!  It only required decades of subverting the media and the academy into blind obeisance to the Red Cause, and someone to take center stage.  And in Barack Hussein Obama, the monolithic worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy found that someone!  And we are they, fellow patriots, who must unmask him, as the Fourth Estate has deserted its post!

The Liberal Media prepare for another Presidential press conference--looks like it's up to us, readers!

The Liberal Media prepare for another Presidential press conference–looks like it’s up to us, readers!

THE GREAT OBAMA TRANSPARENCY MELTDOWN (and how to see right through it!)

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on February 21, 2013 at 5:28 pm

invisble man 2

Let us explain what happened, here, gentle readers, because it is the finest example thus far of an event involving Dear Leader and his lapdog media that is simultaneously too hilarious to constrain ourselves from guffawing at, and too demoralizing to take as lightly as we’d prefer. Let’s review, shall we? It was April of 2011 before the President of the United States got around to releasing the long form of his birth certificate, purportedly proving he was born in Hawaii. By that time national polls showed that a quarter of adult Americans doubted Obama’s word that he had been born in the United States. Yet the Leftist Establishment Media never launched the slightest enquiry into the bizarre absence of a long form certificate, nor made any attempt to request a physical copy after the image of the certificate was published by the White House. WOOF has no position as to whether the President is an American or not, unless of course one judges such matters behaviorally, in which case he is definitely not an American—but that’s a different story. You can’t grow up mentored by Frank Marshall Davis, after all, and not act out a little! For now, suffice it that nobody in “mainstream” journalism ever showed the slightest curiosity about the matter—nor ever interviewed anybody who knew the President in Hawaii, nor ever found the doctor who birthed him, nor a nurse who was present, nor any Hawaiian who remembered meeting him or going to kindergarten with him or seeing him as an infant—but maybe that’s just because they never looked.  Perhaps Obama was born in Hawaii and simply kept to himself a lot—all WOOF can say for sure is that a similar controversy involving the birth of Republican politician seeking the highest office would have been exhaustive and shrill—the establishment media would have made today’s “birthers” look positively decorous by comparison.

You can't see the original--but you can get  a copy on a coffee mug!

You can’t see the original–but you can get a copy on a coffee mug!

Prior to his election it transpired that candidate Obama had spent 20 years sitting in Jeremiah Wright’s racist, ant-American church, listening to Wright rave and rant about Liberation Theology (which is a communist interpretation of the New Testament). Wright married Barack to Michelle. He baptized each of their children. He was and presumably still is the children’s Godfather. In 2007, Wright was appointed to

Jeremiah Wright--godfather, spiritual mentor, preacher, and evident stranger!

Jeremiah Wright–godfather, spiritual mentor, preacher, and evident stranger!

Barack Obama’s African American Religious Leadership Committee—essentially a ploy to win support for Obama’s coming election bid. Obama also named his first autobiography after a phrase of Wright’s, and quoted Wright extensively in his second autobiography (our Beloved Leader having written two prior even to winning the presidency). Among the elements of Wright’s sermons that Obama quoted in his book are blatherings about the white man’s greed that candidate Obama claimed never to have heard. In fact, after sitting in Wright’s Trinity United Church of Christ for 20 years, nodding like a bobble doll, Candidate Obama claimed never to have heard any of the anti-American rantings with which the man he called his spiritual adviser repeatedly regaled his parishioners—and the Establishment Media shrugged and declared skepticism akin to racism.

Van Jones, former Obama functionary, lifelong communist.

Van Jones, former Obama functionary, lifelong communist. That’s a “bro fist,” right, Van?

Fast forward to the Obama Presidency. Our Beloved Helmsman has made countless cronies and fellow travelers, many of them known Communists, into “czars,” which is to say, de facto cabinet members, thus dodging the advice and consent of the U.S. Senate mandated in the Constitution. These individuals receive independent funding and wield tremendous power, but go totally unchallenged by the Liberal Media Establishment. In fact, when known (and self-professing) communist Van Jones was finally given the gate, it was because he turned out to be a 911 “Truther,” not because he was an active constituent of the Communist conspiracy to destroy America—nobody minded that part!

Never let a crisis go to waste! Deepwater Horizon pollutes the Gulf--Obama  recommends the Chevy Volt.

Never let a crisis go to waste! Deepwater Horizon pollutes the Gulf–Obama recommends the Chevy Volt.

During his first term, Obama responded to an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico by ordering a moratorium on all offshore drilling in the Gulf, and both the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans. He also prohibited any new drilling on federal land in any of the United States. This is utterly unconstitutional, of course, and Federal Judge Martin Feldman said so, declaring from the bench that the President could not use the Department of the Interior to wield such power, The court issued an order lifting the moratorium, but the President ignored it. A Presidency in contempt of a federal court, especially one who is driving up the price of gasoline in the process, would typically excite the press into a feeding frenzy, yet not a word was spoken (or is spoken) about this situation by the talking heads of the lapdog Left. Similarly, the President’s job-killing decision to prohibit the Keystone Pipeline project is a usurpation of the powers of congress, yet the press barely gave this travesty a glance.

To be perfectly honest, these babies ain't going nowhere!

“To be perfectly honest, these babies ain’t going nowhere!”

When the President shrugged off his constitutional duty to defend our borders and enforce our laws by opening our southern borders to invasion, refusing to allow enforcement of the law on Federal land in Arizona and other states. He ordered the border patrols to overlook illegal entry into the country and put a halt to deportation proceedings, all without congressional approval. Nobody in the media blinked. Instead they went after Governor Jan Brewer for attempting to enforce federal laws already on the books. He then illegally conjoined the United States with Mexico in lawsuits against his own country (Arizona, that is to say) and the media worried about Sarah Palin.

Governor Brewer explains reality to Our Beloved Helmsman--it didn't take.

Governor Brewer explains reality to Our Beloved Helmsman–it didn’t take.

The President single-handedly dismissed the Defense of Marriage Act (passed by the Congress), calling it unconstitutional, (thus becoming his own Supreme Court as well as his own congress)  and further declared that he would not allow the Justice Department to uphold it or defend it against legal suits. The Justice Department was busy anyway, through the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, running guns illegally to drug cartels in Mexico so they would kill Americans with them and give the Administration a chance to insist that the Second Amendment be done away with in response—but this murderous plot to dissolve one of the original ten amendments in a sea of blood and deception, met with no curiosity whatsoever from the American media—and Eric Holder is still Attorney General.

Border violence courtesy of "Fast and Furious" --which most Americans still think is a Chuck Norris movie.

Border violence courtesy of “Fast and Furious” –which most Americans still think is a Chuck Norris movie.

The United States was taken to war in Libya without any congressional authority, and this resulted in the military defeat and ouster of Muammar Qadhafi, who was not actively exporting terror and had given up his nuclear program, so that he could be beaten and shot to death and replaced by radical Islamic leaders who were eager to export terror and who sat on their thumbs while our consulate in Benghazi was burned and four Americans slaughtered, including the Ambassador to Libya. Compounding this travesty, Obama and Hillary sat on their thumbs too—in fact, nobody is sure where they even were during the crisis. It is known that help was consistently refused the embassy personnel during the six hour battle that resulted in the Ambassador’s demise, and nobody in the American media has ever asked the President to account for this, or explain where he was during the crisis.

Ambassador Stevens was a close friend of Hillary Clinton's-- but "what difference, at this point, does it make?".

Ambassador Stevens was a close friend of Hillary Clinton’s– but “what difference, at this point, does it make?”

The First Amendment has always offended Our Beloved Leader, who more than once warned against watching FOX news, attempting to exclude the network from press availabilities. He also cautioned a crowd that Rush Limbaugh as somebody you shouldn’t listen to if you wanted to do business in WashingtonDC. Even during his 2008 campaign, Barack Obama tossed journalists off his airplane (okay it was on the ground at the time, but nevertheless) with whose newspapers or networks he disagreed—while the other reporters huddled voicelessly, evidently intent on keeping their own seats.

What does this man have in common with journalists whose papers criticize Obama? They've all been kicked off airplanes!

What does this man have in common with journalists whose papers criticize Obama? They’ve all been kicked off airplanes!

Have we made our point? Examples of the press ignoring what would normally be causes of obsessive, ceaseless, caterwauling simply because they emanated from Dear Leader’s White House could fill volumes. But shout huzzah, beloved readers, because this is all about to change! The press has finally decided to demand access, to insist on accountability, and the word of the day is transparency, WOOFketeers!  Yes indeed, the demand for transparency is finally heard abroad in the land! And what brought this happy event about? What was the final enormity, the ultimate depredation, the last proverbial straw?  Why, Tiger Woods, of course. Got that? It was nothing we’ve discussed here that turned the press, however briefly, on Obama—it was the jilted lovers’ hissy fit they threw when the object of all their devotions went golfing without them.

Tiger seems more transparent than his golfing partner--what's with that?

Tiger seems more transparent than his golfing partner–what’s with that?

You could call it Golfgate, we suppose; the awful moment in which the President’s abuse of power became more than even the American Media could bear! Rick Blum of the Sunshine in Government Initiative (SIGI?) actually bestirred himself to complain about the fact that President Obama went golfing with champion golfer and well known sex addict Tiger Woods and didn’t invite the press. “As the president, you cannot just disappear for four days,” Blum insisted—oblivious, seemingly, of the fact that disappearing for four days with Tiger is in no respect a violation of the Constitution, unlike everything else we’ve covered! Even the perpetually breathless Anne Compton, who follows the President adoringly for ABC News, gasping melodramatically about his every utterance or action, paused to grouse, “The way the president’s availability to the press has shrunk in the last two years is a disgrace. … This White House goes to extreme lengths to keep the press away.” Yes, Anne, and only the First Marxist could enjoy the most fulsomely sycophantic press coverage in Presidential history and still consider reporters a threat to his image.

Anne Compton misses a gold date and experiences a momentary spat of criticality? At long last, Mr. President, where's your sense of transparency?

Anne Compton misses a golf date and experiences a momentary spat of criticality? At long last, Mr. President, where’s your sense of transparency?

The newly militant Washington Press Corpse demanded answers from Press Secretary Jay Carney, boy propagandist, and Carney was swift to address their concerns, telling them that President Obama actually holds many more press conferences than George Bush ever did, which is an unvarnished lie, but nobody blinked.  So there you have it, fellow Wooferians, a wave of protest and rebellion among the vast membership of the Liberal Establishment Media, because the object of their adoration neglected to take them golfing. It won’t last long, of course—because today’s journalists are not interested in holding grudges against their obsessive love interest any more than they are interested in investigative journalism. They will be bought off by some smiles and ameliorative language from their Beloved, and return to running interference for his every outrage. Could we expect more? And thus will pass the great transparency howl– you need give it no further thought–rest assured the media won’t!WOOF PRINT

Media default position--J. Fred Muggs, please call your office!

Media default position–J. Fred Muggs, please call your office!

Breakfast with Ben and Barack

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on February 10, 2013 at 6:13 am
Obama was livelier at breakfast back in 2008 when a reporter asked him a question in Pennsylvania diner and he snapped, "Can I just finish my waffle?"

Obama was livelier at breakfast back in 2008 when a reporter asked him a question in a Pennsylvania diner and he snapped, “Can I just finish my waffle?”

You don’t have to be a secular humanist to find the Annual Prayer Breakfast boring—it’s been boring for decades. In case you’re not up on the details, suffice it that the Breakfast was founded in 1953 by the equally boring Abraham Vereide, a staunch Methodist clergyman who emigrated (legally) from Norway and founded Goodwill Industries in Seattle. Every president since Dwight David Eisenhower has participated in the Breakfast, which has somehow been passed over thus far by the despisers of America’s Judeo/Christian heritage who so energetically scour the nation’s courthouses for Christian symbols or inscriptions requiring removal in the name of the first amendment, or declare themselves psychologically damaged by the knowledge that children are somewhere pledging allegiance to a nation “under God” in federally subsidized classrooms.  In stark contrast to the secularist groundswell that ripped the ten commandments out of Judge Roy Moore’s courthouse in 2003, or which just recently inspired Louisiana State University to airbrush away the crosses worn on the necks of “the painted posse,” a cheer-leading faction of football fans who paint their bodies with LSU colors but who cannot, evidently, be seen in LSU email advertisements with their Christian identities shamelessly exhibited, the annual Prayer Breakfast has simply gone on year after year without much harassment from the Left, partially because it is so boresomely unremarkable that almost nobody notices it, and partially because it gives Democratic presidents a chance to look at least vaguely religious for the voters.

Yuk, grapefruit? Even JFK couldn't spice up the prayer breakfast.

Yuk, grapefruit? Even JFK couldn’t spice up the prayer breakfast.

The breakfast is held each year at this time in the Ballroom of the D.C. Hilton and typically draws around 3,500 guests including foreign dignitaries, social butterflies, and massive numbers of politicians who would clearly prefer to be elsewhere. It is newsworthy only insofar as it exists and occurs—year after year speakers as varied as Tony Blair, Bono, and Mother Teresa have key-noted the festivities. In fact, the last time anyone can recall the National Prayer Breakfast being in any true respect noteworthy was way back in the early ‘70s when Senator Mark Hatfield got up in front of Nixon and Kissinger to denounce the war in Vietnam as a “national sin.”  As might be expected, Dick and Henry looked less than pleased with Senator Hatfield’s remarks, which fact drove the Left into paroxysms of glee. Observers of the phenomenon of “speaking truth to power” will have noticed that this stylish rhetorical technique is practiced solely by Liberals who denounce sitting-duck media targets thus winning plaudits for their moral courage. With the most leftwing Liberal politician in Congress now firmly ensconced in the White House, there was certainly no reason to expect nixon hippyfireworks—in fact the Press Corpse assigned only one pool reporter to the affair. Why should everyone suffer through such theocratic bilge with no discernible payoff in the way of a scoop?


Praying that the Nicorette kicks in....

Praying that the Nicorette kicks in….

Obama, who intensely dislikes early mornings, appeared intensely fatigued, and sources tell WOOF that he was popping Nicorette gum serially, fighting to remain conscious during a breakfast that began at the unconscionably early hour of 7:55.  Even with Nicorette wedged tightly in cheek, the President was clearly fighting the impulsion to nod off during the predictably lackluster warmup speakers, and most notably while opera singer Andrea Bocelli, –who popped up in a charcoal grey suit out of the rows of breakfasters– rendered a threnodial version of “Ombra mai fu” which is an aria from an unpopular opera (“Serse”) by Handel, and which is, perhaps not unfittingly, an impassioned ode to a plant.

Ode to a plant? An opera for rappin' preezy.

Ode to a plant? An opera for rappin’ preezy.

And then came Dr. Benjamin S. Carson, famed neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital, who must have looked good to the White House on paper, he having been the subject of a Hollywood film in which he was portrayed by no less a liberal than Cuba Gooding Jr. And didn’t Mr. Gooding high-five the Dear Leader only last year at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation’s Annual Phoenix Awards?  And the movie “Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story,” was ballyhooed by the elites as a gritty portrayal of a black man’s rise to fame and high position despite, you know, racism and stuff, and Dr. Carson seemed like a good bet to drone away about the “struggle” and all that remained wrong and unfinished with the American dream. But the problem with successful Black Americans who make it to the top on the basis of their own merits, talents, and education is that while most of the time you get a good solid clone of say, Octavia Spencer, or Don Cheadle, sometimes things go a bit haywire and out pops some aberration like Herman Caine or Nicki Manaj, obliging the African American “community” (once cued by the White Liberal Elites) to collectively scratch its head and give full-throated voice to its displeasure lest more souls be lost.

Jim Crow outrage? No, just the White Left declaring open season on Condi.

Jim Crow outrage? No, just the White Left declaring open season on Condi.

But the problem with Dr. Benjamin Carson was not so much that he came at Obama from out of the sun, or that he seemed to be some Tomming ingrate Oreo (you know, like that Michael Steele guy—or even that terrible Condoleezza Rice woman), no, the real problem with Carson was that he didn’t have anything political to say at all during his key note speech. Not in any strict sense, anyhow. He didn’t discuss the recent election, or make negative comments about this or that political figure—he didn’t need to. He had more macrocosmic things on his mind. In broad terms he wished to discuss freedom, God, America, and common sense. Can you think of a better way to wreck breakfast for the President and his crew?

Dr. Carson begins-- Our Beloved Helmsman notes a tone of discord.

Dr. Carson begins– Our Beloved Helmsman notes a tone of discord.

Dr. Carson limited himself to 25 minutes of speaking time, during which he addressed issues of faith (mentioning Jesus Christ by name, which is a bold move inside the    beltway, even at a prayer breakfast), and then moved on to the topic of healthcare. Dr. Carson might be presumed to know a thing or two about health care, because he lives it on a daily basis—so seeing him turn his attention thence was not in itself disconcerting. One might easily anticipate that he would voice positive sentiments about the impending “Affordable Healthcare Act” –but what he had to say was, reasonably summarized, damnatory.  At the outset of his remarks, Dr. Carson expressed a thoroughgoing contempt for political correctness, which he described as “a horrible thing” the effect of which is to stultify free speech and inhibit creative thought and expression. He called on all Americans to shed their fears—to speak out as they saw fit, insisting that, “We’ve reached a point where people are actually afraid to talk about what they want to say, because somebody might be offended. We’ve got to get over this sensitivity…it keeps people from saying what they really believe.”

A better prescription from a real doctor!

A better prescription from a real doctor!

Having thus positioned himself, Carson dug into the concept of excessive taxation. “What we need to do,” he said, “ is come up with something simple. And when I pick up my Bible, you know what I see? I see the fairest individual in the universe, God, and he’s given us a system. It’s called a tithe.”  A tithe? Well, yes—a flat tax is the secular version of the idea, but the Bible calls it tithing.  Of course a tithe goes to the Church whereas a flat rate goes to the government, but think of the welcome simplification such a system would immediately engender.  Think of the bureaucracies of accountants, inquisitors, lawyers and IRS agents who would have to seek honest employment.  Dr. Carson continued, “We don’t necessarily have to do 10% but it’s the principle. He didn’t say if your crops fail, don’t give me any tithe or if you have a bumper crop, give me triple tithe. So there must be something inherently fair about proportionality. You make $10 billion, you put in a billion. You make $10 you put in one. Of course you’ve got to get rid of the loopholes. Some people say, ‘Well that’s not fair because it doesn’t hurt the guy who made $10 billion as much as the guy who made 10.’ Where does it say you’ve got to hurt the guy? He just put a billion dollars in the pot. We don’t need to hurt him. It’s that kind of thinking that has resulted in 602 banks in the Cayman Islands. That money needs to be back here building our infrastructure and creating jobs.”

Kerry signals the press!

Kerry signals the press!

Obama at this juncture appeared taught-jawed and tense, no longer somnolent. John Kerry began yawning histrionically as if to say “nothing to see here, folks!” to the media’s pool reporter who might need a reminder that this was fast becoming a non-event, which reminder he took to heart by the way– while Joe Biden sat staring into the crowd with that expression of contented detachment that only the truly uncomprehending can achieve.  “…Here’s my solution,” Said Carson, “When a person is born, give him a birth certificate, [say, there’s an idea!] an electronic medical record, and a health savings account (HSA) to which money can be contributed — pretax — from the time you’re born ’til the time you die.

The President begins to focus--now he really needs a cigarette.

The President begins to focus–now he really needs a cigarette.

When you die, you can pass it on to your family members, so that when you’re 85 years old and you got six diseases, you’re not trying to spend up everything. You’re happy to pass it on and there’s nobody talking about death panels.”  (An odd assertion in a week when the President’s pet economist Paul Krugman was joining former administration honcho Steve Rattner in broaching the topic by name).  But what about the poor and the destitute, Dr. Carson? The hapless mendicants who rely on socialism to yank their aching molars and patch their hernias?  Are they now forsaken? Shouldn’t they have the opportunity to stand in lines similar to the MVA while low-level government functionaries with rotten attitudes shuffle them around like haunches of beef while denying this and denying that?  Carson actually has them covered too.

The serenity of the unoccupied mind--Biden doesn't get it.

The serenity of the unoccupied mind–Biden doesn’t get it.

Turning his thoughts to, “the people who were indigent who don’t have any money,” he explained that “we can make contributions to their HSA each month because we already have this huge pot of money. Instead of sending it to some bureaucracy, let’s put it in their HSAs. Now they have some control over their own health care.”  Control over their own health care? Dr. Carson, surely you are not this naive.  What good does it do the power drivers of the worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us to give us power?  Why, they might as well let us eat what we like, drive whatever cars we prefer, and set our thermostats where we like. No, Dr. Carson knows full well that Barack Obama is vitally interested in health care only because it translates into health control.  Control the citizenry’s access to medical care and you control the citizenry—with the added option of  being able to slyly neglect the health concerns of those  you have difficulty controlling. What a deal!


While Obama stared icily, Carson concluded on an upbeat note, declaring America’s problems dire but solvable if bright and innovative people were allowed to address them. Naturally, that is the last thing that the Obama Administration plans on allowing, and clearly, Carson knows it—his cheerful, sprightly talk was a carefully camouflaged smackdown, and perfectly executed. Whether one concurs in each particular of his briefly described solution to the health care mess, Carson clearly succeeded in demonstrating that a free, creative people, unsaddled by Marxist dogma, can solve such problems handily and without inflicting lethal damages on the national exchequer.  It is a telling indictment of the current Administration that a lucid, clarion exhortation to enact financially responsible, free enterprise solutions to the looming Obamacare catastrophe drove the President of the United States to venomous glares, and nearly put our newest Secretary of State to sleep.ben_carson_america_beautiful

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