We know—the first resolution you think we should make is to stop procrastinating, right? That way we wouldn’t be coming up with our New Year’s resolutions in February. But hey, it just wouldn’t be WOOFlike for us to be on time with stuff, would it? So we say: better a late list of resolutions than none at all. Besides, didn’t G. K. Chesterton tell us that if a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly? We would add “or late!” except the whole idea of the Chestertonian inversion would be compromised by the codicillary sentiment ….so…maybe our first resolution should be to stop digressing so much. Except that, too, strikes us as unWOOFlike.
We may even resolve never to do New Year’s resolutions again, because we have the firm presentiment that they aren’t likely to turn out to be click magnets—but as longtime WOOFketeers know, we have a positive genius for avoiding potentially popular ideas, electing instead to post stuff like—well—like our New Year’s resolutions. Or take the time we posted that list of cities you could go to in the event of an atomic attack because they are nuclear free zones, remember? And our article extolling the virtues of the trillion-dollar coin, how about that one? Looks like it didn’t catch on. Even Paul Krugman stopped advocating the idea….possibly because the debt is now 19 trillion, so we’d need a lot more coins. Of course, as Stan Collender of FORBES suggests, we could resolve to stop worrying about the national debt altogether, but Mr. Collender’s argument for this is based on a policy recommended by the IMF, so we are actually even more worried…we could always do an article about the advisability of minting a 20-trillion dollar coin, but we’d have to design a whole new coin and the artwork for the last one took longer than the article took to write. Anyway, our point is, we obviously aren’t trolling for clicks here, (And if you see ads, it’s because WordPress sticks them in occasionally, not us. We don’t mind, though—we’re glad they’re thinking of us.)
Blame Paul Ryan!
But Paul Ryan is really to blame. To blame for us doing this, that is, because what got us thinking about the idea was when he posted his resolutions for 2016—did you happen to catch those? He resolved to spend 2016 advancing the “Conservative Agenda,” advocating for “unity,” fighting for “decentralized power,” ensuring “transparency and regular order,” “culture change,” and a couple of other ideas so linguistically ambiguous that we forgot them. And in fairness to Ryan, he resolved to do all this stuff during 2016, so the fact that he broke just about every single resolution before 2016 might not count. Breitbart, for instance, insists that “Ryan’s “$1.1 trillion, two-thousand-plus-page-long omnibus spending bill alone broke most of these promises,” while ramming “Obamatrade” through by resurrecting the internationalist monstrosity in the wake of its presumed demise and hustling it through on the sneak pretty much wiped out anything that was left of conservatism or transparency. For all we know, Ryan may have just been getting all the squishy RINO accommodationism out of his system before buckling down in 2016 and swapping his perfidious ways for a sense of studious conservative punctilio—but we doubt it. Besides, the speaker’s zest for breaking all his resolutions before the New Year even got here gives us heart. Obviously, nobody expects New Years resolutions to be kept—or, put in terms our RINO critics will understand, they are clearly non-binding! So don’t hold us to any of these—because we probably won’t get around to most of them!
Papal Bull/Royal Pain?
First, we resolve to find out what the Pope and the Queen really said this Christmas! They’re more important than Paul Ryan, aren’t they? And you’d think that when they say or don’t say something, it would be pretty simple to nail down—but no! Followers of Pope Francis and Her Majesty were traumatically frazzled this New Year when both dignitaries reportedly proclaimed 2016 the last year for civilization as we know it. The eerie synchronization of their respective prophecies seemed especially chilling. We know for a fact that Francis told his audience this Christmas that the holiday was a charade. We read it at Salon, so it must be true. But from a wide variety of additional websites we learned the Pontiff also insisted that the world’s present situation presages the “end times,” that the world will probably be unrecognizable before 2016 concludes. His Holiness added that Christmas 2015 “for those who choose to celebrate it, may be their last.” Hard to get happy after that one!
Francis seems as dispirited by the situation within the Vatican as beyond its gates. Less than a year ago he chastised the Holy City’s establishment severely, openly denouncing the institution’s lack of Godliness and insisting that the Curia was plagued by fifteen “spiritual illnesses,” including “a lust for power and wealth,” which seems predictable given the whole Genesis narrative, doesn’t it? But he also diagnosed many constituents of the Holy See as afflicted with “spiritual Alzheimer’s,” which sounds pretty serious. His Holiness also enumerated the thirteen remaining spiritual illnesses, but we can’t remember their names at the moment. You can find all of this on several reputable Catholic websites, but when it comes to the whole doomsday business, not much is available. Church related sites such as CRUX make no mention of Francis’s gloomy prognostications over the holidays, noting simply that “2015 has been a rough year for Pope Francis.”
There are those, of course, who predicted a rough papacy for Francis from the get-go, insisting that his appointment fulfills the prophecy of the Irish Saint Malachy, the 12th century bishop of Armagh. Malachy supposedly had a vision and listed the popes in order of succession, Peter the Roman comes after Benedict (the previous pope) and, according to Malachy (whom we tend to consider credible because he’s Irish) this final pope will “feed his flock amid many tribulations, after which the seven-hilled city will be destroyed and the dreadful Judge will judge the people. The End.” And yes, we know, Francis’s name is Francis, not Peter, and he’s from Argentina, not Rome—so what was Malachy thinking? WOOF’s crackerjack researchers went to work investigating the proposed connection, but the best they could discover is that a) Francis’s parents were from Italy, and that b) Saint Francis, from whom Pope Francis took his papal name, was originally named Pietro. If that seems a bit thin, add to the mix that some scallywags are now bruiting it about that St. Malachy’s prophecies are fakes, so maybe the Pope is worried over nothing.
Raving– the Queen?
Meanwhile, there’s the whole Queen Elizabeth II imbroglio, and this one’s even more mysterious! During Her Majesty’s traditional Christmas message, broadcast each yuletide to her adoring subjects over the BBC, Elizabeth allegedly lost her grip and rambled on prolongedly about a number of unsettling things. First, the Queen is reported to have vented her concern that “malevolent forces, much stronger than our own, are stalking across Europe, gaining ground every day,” (and this according to various news sources including Breitbart’s Before It’s News and yournewswire.com.) after which she reportedly said of Princess Diana, “she knew too much.” Finally, a distraught and haunted sovereign sighed, “I hope you enjoy your final Christmas,” while BBC technicians raced to pull the plug on the broadcast and implored Her Majesty to rethink her premise over a restful break and a nice restorative cup of Earl Grey.
According to BBC insiders (according, again, to various unnamed sources) Elizabeth was persuaded to do a re-take later in the afternoon, and delivered a far more conventional and uplifting message. This is the message that the British people viewed on Christmas, and the truth about her initial rant is known only because certain BBC technicians and producers leaked the story. WOOF resolves to search tirelessly for these unidentified BBC employees, since Buckingham Palace is not responding to our enquiries, and the BBC never responds to our enquiries. Regardless, we firmly resolve to uncover the truth behind the Pope’s and the Queen’s predictions before…well…before next Christmas, anyway.
No MICROAGGRESSION too small!
That’s right, we here in the WOOF cave have concluded that mean people suck, and we’ve had enough of them—and not just on Reddit! (Shall we go there again? Have we mentioned lately that we’re banned from the Conservative forum on Reddit? Probably not for a while now—not since it happened a couple of years ago, but back then we had not evolved on this issue). Back then we didn’t realize that banning us was a microaggression. Since then, our horizons have broadened—and we see things now as they truly are. And those microaggressors who assail us on all the other Reddit forums that haven’t banned us yet better watch out too—and you oppressive fascists on Twitter who don’t like our tweets—and all those angry haters who send us uncomplimentary emails here at WOOF—you know who you are! Be warned, because we are drawing fresh inspiration in the coming year from the faculty and administration of Penn State where president Eric Barron recently announced that “There is no place for hate, overt or subtle,” while Lisa Powers, director of Penn State’s strategic communications office (which sounds fairly important, we think), added that “An act of intolerance can be identified as any forms [sic] of microaggressions, verbal assaults, and/or racial subjugation.”
WOOF was previously unaware that racial subjugation was being practiced at Penn State, but we are one-hundred percent in favor of ending it promptly! And the panjandra of higher learning at Penn are obviously no less committed, having swung into action against microaggressiveness by printing thousands of posters and boldly issuing a whole bunch of refrigerator magnets asking students to report utterances or activities that do not match what President Barron calls “our mutually held values.” The student body at Penn is asked to remain vigilant for signs of “homophobia, prejudice, hostility, bullying, defamation, intolerance, inequity, cultural appropriation” and many other similar barbarities.
Don’t become culturally appropriated–fight back!
Some of our readers may not know how to spot a microaggression—do not be discouraged! We ourselves were unfamiliar with the signs of microaggressiveness until we educated ourselves. According to the Penn State course Subtle Slights: Understanding the Impact of Unconscious Bias and Microaggressions, microaggressions are “unspoken, often unrecognized ‘little things’ that foster sentiments and attitudes of inequity and incivility.” Students are encouraged to report any observed incidents to the Office of the Vice Provost for Educational Equity. We think everybody should help out, and we resolve to report any microaggressions to which we are subjected immediately! By the way, the Vice Provost’s number is (814) 865-5906. Why let the students and faculty of Penn State fight this battle alone? Remember, if you are microaggressed against, dial 1-814-865-5906, or go to the website at http://equity.psu.edu/reportbias and submit a form! As President Barron so perspicuously puts it, “Be the difference!” Save our mutually held values! Dime on a microaggressor today!
WOOF RESOLVES to stop faking celebrity deaths!
Well, that’s not exactly correct. We didn’t really fake a celebrity death, we just thought we did for a few minutes. As emails poured into the WOOF cave (all right, to be perfectly honest for once, two emails actually poured in) accusing us of having faked the death of Annette Funicello in 2013 as part of a twisted plot to associate it cosmically with the passing of Margaret Thatcher that year, as indeed we did (see the original piece here). We confess we became increasingly concerned as we reviewed news sources confirming that Funicello followed David Bowie into the aether during early January of this year. Yipes, did we hallucinate the entire event back in 2013? For a horrendous moment we doubted our rationality (can you imagine?) especially as the super-reliable Woofette who was checking news sources insisted that indeed, Miss Funicello had just died–the news was everywhere.
We were relieved, finally, to uncover an INQUISITOR piece entitled: “For Some Reason, Everyone Thinks Annette Funicello just Died Again” which immediately put us at ease. According to the INQUISITOR, the whole thing started when a site called Health Cure Portal announced Annette’s death, stating she had “lost her long battle to multiple sclerosis,” which was true, but which they neglected to point out had been true since 2013 when WOOF originally reported the fact in our article entitled “And so she passed out of our lives forever,” which is the very favorite of all our articles of at least two of our esteemed writer/editors–which is one reason we were loath to reconsider its premise!
The INQUISITOR went on to detail other web sources that jumped on the rumor of Annette’s second passing. Apparently in each case, and at each site, the ex-Mouseketeer’s obituary was copied exactly from a People magazine article that correctly marked Funicello’s passing three years ago—but when reproduced without context, seemed to indicate that she had just expired. Checking further, we determined that most of the major news sites reporting Annette’s (second) death were attributing it to the website Health of Women where we discovered another verbatim duplication of the old People piece, except dated January 1, 2016. Say—maybe we’re wasting our time with this originality stuff!?
To add insult to injury, when we told Tech Elf Noah (our resident teenage cyber-genius) about the whole brouhaha the next day, thinking to amuse him, his only comment was, “Why didn’t you tweet your original story with the real date of her death to all those twitterers who thought she just died?” And we all exclaimed, “Oh! We should’ve done that?” Sometimes we’re just too hopelessly dense for Tech Elf Noah to bear. But if we took all his advice, we might become popular, and we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves.
So anyway, from Annette’s second embrace of the great mystery, we derived the following solemn new-year’s resolutions:
• Here at WOOF we will only allow people to die once, and only then if we deem it unavoidable.
• When people we deem to have died once die twice, we will “tweet” our objections, especially if it “promotes clicks” as Tech Elf Noah likes to say…
• We will never plagiarize a People magazine article, even though doing so seems to make sites instantly newsworthy, and finally…
• (Codicil) If by any chance David Bowie dies again, we will suspend the above resolutions and simply report the redundancy as authentic, because we’re pretty sure where David is concerned that could actually happen.
‘Till we have Facebook….
In related news: WOOF resolves not to start a Facebook page again this year! January marks the beginning of the 4th year of WOOF’s existence as a website, or “blog,” and thus it concurrently marks the 4th year that everybody who knows anything about cyberspacial stuff has gone out of his or her way to persuade us that we absolutely must have a Facebook page to go with our website. But nobody has ever explained to us in a manner we could comprehend why this is so. Besides, with the exception of a Woofette or two, none of us likes Facebook. The reason we never allow “likes” of our articles is because we are unanimously appalled by social networking that allows 78 people to “like” it when some narcissist reports, say, having Eggs Benedict for brunch. So resolved: no Facebook page in 2016! Of course we once firmly resolved not to be on Twitter either, whereas Tech Elf Noah now tells us we have almost two-thousand followers, which he says is “pretty good.” So you never know.
We resolve to BUY MORE GUNS!
President Obama’s recent blatherings should leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that during his disastrous final year in office he will do everything within his power to shred the 2nd Amendment, and Attorney General Loretta Lynch is clearly on board to vouchsafe the constitutionality of any caprice the First Marxist decides to couch as an executive order. We at WOOF are not, at this point, sufficiently alarmist to advocate procuring additional weapons in the face of an impending gun ban—but that doesn’t mean we don’t advocate buying more guns. The more guns sold, the more gun owners and enthusiasts we cultivate, and the better prepared becomes the “militia,” meaning, as George Mason defined it, “the whole people” to quash any authoritarian salients Our Beloved Helmsman may concoct during what WOOF likes to call the “year of the wounded duck.”
Remember whenever you find yourself waxing critical of our young president, that no matter what else one can say about his tenure, he has almost single handedly succeeded in increasing the sale of guns in this country by an impressive 150% while doubling production by American gun manufacturers —and it would be churlish to allow his exertions to go unheralded. Buying guns in 2016 may be the perfect way to say ‘thank you, Mr. Obama!’ After all, according to no less an authority on liberal irrationality than the Washington Post, President Obama has given the gun and ammunition industries a nine-to-ten-billion-dollar boost, and say, we bet there are some Ruger or Smith & Wesson shares tucked away in the presidential portfolio—though like everything else about history’s most transparent president, such details remain tightly sealed.
RESOLVED—we will help President Obama with the economy by cutting back on stuff we can’t have as much as we want of, except vacations, which we will take more of, but not to Las Vegas–unless other countries object—or—okay, this is a hard one to get a handle on. We know from the President’s speeches about American consumerism that Americans can’t have everything they want. We vividly recall him telling us specifically that “We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times … and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK,–because that’s not leadership. That’s not going to happen.” We were somewhat confused by his syntax at the time, and now that Judicial Watch has released the news that the Obamas spent eight million dollars on just one vacation to Hawaii two years ago, we are genuinely adrift. That must have been leadership, because it definitely did happen, right?
Add to this the fact that the Obamas spent $470,000 a day during their most recent junket to Hawaii, and that Americans shelled out over $50 million for the seven winter vacations taken by the first family to date and it becomes almost impossible to know when to cut back and when to splurge. If we keep our SUVs in the garage and turn our thermostats down, it is presumably all right to spend wildly on our vacations—because after all, we won’t care what our thermostats at home are set to if we’re in Hawaii—but we still don’t think we should go to Las Vegas.
Leaving Las Vegas
Readers may recall that President Obama told Americans to avoid Las Vegas in February of 2010, which we thought was sound moral advice—but then he visited the city 14 times in ensuing years (a record for any sitting president) and was most recently seen speechifying to his fellow climate hysterics at Harry Reid’s massive National Clean Energy Summit, which is hosted by Sin City each August.
So this is a tough one, but we have resolved to drive our SUVs less, turn down the thermostat in the WOOF cave, and not “eat as much as we want” unless its Kobe beef—which doesn’t actually turn up much around here. With what we save by having no secret service protection, and therefore no sex-worker expenses, we can vacation somewhere that isn’t Las Vegas unless we attend a climate summit, which obviously we won’t–because why would we?–so maybe we’ll go to Hawaii—and we can justify the exorbitant price tag to our creditors by explaining that we vacationed in Asia—given that President Obama was in Hawaii, putatively his home state, when he described himself as being “here in Asia” during a 2011 press conference…but we are gladthat the final term of the man Tom Shales (of the aforementioned Washington Post) called “the smartest kid in the class” is coming to a close, because keeping up with his towering dianoetic prowess is really taxing (no pun intended), and it’s time he went home to Honolulu, or some other exotic Asian capital.
As a final note on this difficult subject–we don’t think readers should emulate our resolution to spend exorbitantly on vacations unless they can specify some other area in which they plan to save a concomitant amount of cash. With President Obama, it was defense, of course. Think of the savings inherent in just a few of his jumbo military cuts—why, just cutting back the Zumwalt Class destroyers from an order of 27 to 7 and then, as an afterthought, to 3 was enough to offset the cost of Kobe beef, we bet. And here at WOOF, we have a similar master plan!
NO PANIC ROOM in the WOOF Cave!
That’s right—it won’t result in the level of savings that President Obama’s defense cuts produced, but here at WOOF we have made some defense cuts of our own. In fact, we’re cutting defense totally, and sticking strictly to offense! Loyal readers know that we at WOOF often complain about the drone traffic around the mouth of our secret cave headquarters, and on several occasions we’ve speculated that some form of invasion by government or other malign forces may be imminent. Fortunately, so far it just turns out that we’re paranoid—or perhaps our patent willingness to defend hearth and hole struck chills in our adversaries’ hearts and gave them pause. After all, who knows how many attacks were called off owing to our stated determination to mount an unyielding resistance? It can hardly have escaped the attention of would-be aggressors that we only recently equipped ourselves with coffee mugs emblazoned with the legend, “What would Jim Bowie do?” So there’s that! But our major plans to outfit the cave with a “panic room” are now officially abandoned. We resolve to face our fate without such a room—because –well, think about it!
Maybe you saw the 2002 movie Panic Room with Jodie Foster? We missed it, but the idea caught our attention, and the New York Times did a big spread on the rapidly growing industry providing such enclosures. So, we initially perceived an innovative, American-based manufacturing trend that helped property owners shore up their defenses in the event of armed intrusion. You can see how we got confused, right? It sounds pretty good at first. And WOOF has no objections to the industry itself. We are no more opposed to capitalists who profit from the manufacture and installation of panic rooms than we are to the manufacturers of, say, rape whistles. The fact that women on liberal college campuses allow women’s groups and assorted faculty milquetoasts to persuade them that the best thing to do, should rape impend, is to begin blowing a silly whistle in no way diminishes our respect for the whistle makers. After all, it’s not the whistle that blows (okay we need to work on that). Nor is our support of panic-room construction reduced by the product’s leftishly-proclived clientele. Business, after all, is business!
Besides, whereas a woman who reaches for a rape whistle is likely to be incapacitated and subdued before she can get off so much as a single respectable toot, panic rooms actually serve a prophylactic purpose in the lives of liberals…and WOOF assumes that God loves liberals, since he made so many of them. The thing about Panic Rooms is that they appeal to people whose familial or corporate psychology cannot in any circumstance conceptualize authentic resistance to evil. In this aspect, panic rooms are very much like big, high-tech rape whistles with metal walls…or like public schools declaring “gun free zones.” The genius of much capitalistic innovation is that it addresses widely acknowledged deficits in our social or practical environments, and panic rooms do both for the trepid Left. The societal dilemma for liberal idealists is that abjuring firearms leaves them defenseless in a world occupied by felons who are mainly inclined to carry them. Liberalism has long subscribed to the municipal homiletics of Democrat politicians who advocate trusting the police to provide protection, but a practical difficulty with this approach is that police almost never arrive anywhere until the crimes requiring their attention have already been perpetrated.
According to journalist Hector Gonzales, “Security experts say it’s just good common sense to have a room inside a home where a family can hide in the event of a break-in.” But WOOF doesn’t agree. Why would Americans hide in the event of a break in? To reiterate our earlier point, “What would Jim Bowie do?” WOOF hereby declares its firm suspicion that panic rooms are essentially un-American, which, as we mentioned, is merely to say, liberal. If you break into our cave, we’re going to fight you and maneuver, not hide in a panic room hoping you don’t take all our stuff. So our resolution to cancel the official WOOF panic room ties in nicely with our resolution to buy more guns. In fact, liberals, why not put some guns in your panic room, just in case? Maybe just little, not very scary-looking ones? Remember: You don’t need a ten rounds to kill a home invader!
RESOLVED—we will CONTINUE TO WORK on our FIRST-EVER MUSICAL PRODUCTION!
We resolve to continue work on AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH—THE MUSICAL in hopes of an off-Broadway opening in 2017! Some of you are aware that WOOF’s very own, young, enthusiastic, and semi-competent proof reader, Proofreadin’ Stan, has left us for the hallowed halls of higher agitprop and is no longer rendering services in the WOOF cave. True, we are reliably informed that we could send Stan copy via the Internet, and he could proofread it that way—but we think that sounds complicated. We are temporarily looking, therefore, for a semi-competent replacement who doesn’t mind caves—but that’s not important now.
What matters is that Stan is continuing to develop both the score and the “book,” as show-biz people call it, for a magnificent musical production based on Al Gore’s Oscar-winning 2006 book and film. Sadly, the theme song from the actual film, “I Need to Wake Up” will not be included because Proofreadin’ Stan says it “lacks thematic resonance” with his vision, and also because of some potentially nasty copyright snags. But Stan has treated us to several of the snappy new numbers he’s already created for WOOF’s first musical, including our favorite so far, “Polar Bear, Polar Bear, Swim to the Shore!” and believe us when we tell you, folks, you will be leaving the theater humming these great melodies and feeling good about life if this advanced taste is any indication! More details as they emerge!
Let’s not be mean to Albert!
Oh, and speaking of Al Gore—we resolve not to gloat over the passing of his prediction that by January of 2016 the world would be plunged into chaos by the horrors of global warming. It is important to remember that Mr. Gore embarked as a visionary pioneer in a field he knew absolutely nothing about. Climate science has advanced greatly since Mr. Gore predicted vanishing coastlines and massive flooding for this January. Obviously, his insistence that the earth would “turn into a total frying pan” by now, to borrow his manifestly precipitate and disappointingly absonant metaphor, came acroper. But as the earth sciences progress, climatological pundits are learning to keep their prognostications vague, and at greater distances. Science, in other words, marches on!
Remember Earth Day?
To understand the roots of climatological hysteria it is necessary to recall the founding of “Earth Day,” which is what hippy and yippy protesters came up with when they ran out of Vietnam War. It began when peace activists took advantage of a 1969 UNESCO Conference in San Francisco to insist that Earth needed a day to honor it. Originally this was proclaimed to be March 21 because that’s when spring starts in the northern hemisphere, so U Thant (then secretary of the UN) declared Earth Day a thing. But a competing and more media-savvy Earth Day was subsequently declared by the otherwise innocuous Gaylord Nelson, (D-WI) whose election to the senate by the people of Wisconsin evinced the continuation of that state’s downward political spiral. . Nelson’s polished and reconfigured Earth Day debuted in 1970, kindling an onslaught of febrile enviro-nutty sanctimony that is with us today and growing like kudzu in our schools, churches, and communities.
Predictions offered on the occasion of that inaugural Earth Day, April 22, 1970, included the end of civilization within 15 to 30 years; the death by starvation of 100 million in America alone, and the necessity of survivors donning gas masks in order to survive in the inescapable effusions of corporate pollution. But none of that particularly mattered because it would all be trumped by the second ice age, which was scheduled for the year 2000, because the Left hadn’t yet realized that global warming was easier to blame on corporations than global freezing. It should surprise no one that once each of these forecasts failed risibly, Gaylord Nelson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It was presented to him in 1995 by Bill Clinton, for…well… thinking it all up—or at least for swiping it from U Thant and the yippies. So let’s excuse Albert Gore his excesses of passion…they are common fare on the climatological fringe. And by now, we’re sure Al has learned to do what all the major players do in this realm—keep all predictions a nice, safe, 50 years away! That way, by the time they don’t happen, nobody remembers they were supposed to, and everybody’s predicting something worse….due to occur in 50 years, of course.
RESOLVED: WOOF will send a sympathy card to George Soros. The multi-billionaire champion of subversive causes both here and abroad took time out recently from keeping Planned Parenthood, ACORN and La Raza afloat, working tirelessly to surrender American sovereignty to the World Bank and the IMF, sinking untold millions into promoting global warming hysteria and plying his bread-and-butter craft of ruining entire nations through the black art of currency manipulation to say some distressing things about his longtime friend and confident, Barack Obama. Freshly enamored of the Clinton camp, Soros now bemoans his enthusiasm for Obama in the last two elections which he terms “a mistake.” He recently assured Mrs. Clinton that had he kept his wits about him, he would have remained in her corner rather than dumping her, as he did, for the Kenyan exchange student from Illinois.
The New Yorker reports that Soros wrote a check for $5 million to help elect Obama in 2008, but despite such flamboyant gestures of fealty, Obama snubbed Soros after his election. Soros responded at the time by declaring himself “disappointed by [Obama], both politically and personally.” Anyone who knows anything about George Soros knows that he has lots of ideas, all the time. If he isn’t funding abortions via Planned Parenthood, or crashing the currency of Malaysia or Great Britain, he’s coming up with other Internationalist schemes to promote world chaos and financial devastation. And anyone who knows George will also tell you he’s a bit of a megalomaniac, so when George thinks of these ideas, he likes to share them with other highly placed demolishers of the American social and financial fabric. But instead of welcoming Soros into the Oval Office as a fellow demolitionist and America basher, Obama “pissed on him,” to quote an aide whom we decided to quote without bowdlerization because the The New Yorker quoted him first, so it must be okay.
Anyway, we feel so bad for Mr. .Soros that we resolve to write him a sympathy card and remind him that we will always be pleased to do lunch with him and learn about all his latest plans for global pillage and ruination. Fortunately, it transpires that Hillary Clinton and husband Bill are also great supporters of Mr. Soros’s work, and Her Magnificence has lunched with him numerous times recently, inspiring his outspoken admiration and support. So cheer up, George Soros! At least the woman who bagged Muammar Qaddafi while he was jumping through hoops to make ovations toward the U.S,, slept through Benghazi, replaced our staunch ally in Egypt, President Mubarak, with the slathering jihadists of the Muslim Brotherhood, presented the Russians with a mistranslated button accidentally bearing the word “overcharge,” and clapped the hapless Nakoula Nakoula behind bars for attempted filmmaking, is paying attention to you—and so are WE! ….Oh, and one more thing….
George! Stop poking that dragon….
Concern for George Soros’s well-being is also paramount in our minds here, this January, since the famed devourer of national economies may have bit off a bit more than he can chew when he decided to go after China as though it were just one more supine western democracy soaked in the duplicities of the World Bank and the bien-pensant mummery of Bilderberg-style savants who view the decline of the west with an almost dissociative hauteur. Not so the Chicoms! As soon as Soros began making the customary noises that precede his currency-toppling exertions vis-à-vis Red China, the dragon responded with fiery exhalations and not a little tantruming. Beijing denounced Soros’s financial hooliganism and warned him in rather overt terms of the dangers of messing with the renminbi and the Hong Kong dollar. The Chinese Communist newspaper the People’s Daily, which has long featured an editorial style only slightly less puerile than, say, Pyongyang’s, published an admonitory article entitled,”Declaring war on China’s currency? Ha ha!” Seriously, we hope George takes the hint. These people will rip his lungs out and make it look like suicide. “Ha ha!” Take it from us, George–compared to China’s Ministry of State Security, the gang back at the Bohemian Grove looks like the off-Broadway cast ofHAIR.
Gone, but not widely missed…
Well, Woofketeers, 2015 did not exit gracefully–it took quite a toll on the informational and opinionated Left both from a literary and a televideo standpoint. WOOF knows, for instance, that after delivering a glowing encomium on the occasion of The New Republic‘s one-hundredth anniversary in print, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg cancelled her subscription. No, really, she did. And why not? The publication is helmless, rudderless, and foundering, decks awash. The vaunted first journal of sinistral opinion stood for a century as the universally recognized flagship of American liberalism in print, and served as the model (mutatis mutandes, thank Heaven) for William F. Buckley Jr’s magnificent National Review, but now it seems the iconic magazine has either gone belly up or is at least flopping about with such desperation that belly-up status seems only a few contortions away. Some say it will become a “vertically integrated digital media company,” but we don’t know what that means, and we’re guessing nobody who mattered at The New Republic does either. We resolve to ignore the idea.
HuffPost Live is dead too, although we confess we didn’t even know it was alive in the first place. Embarrassing? It seems to have been an 8-hour per day “streaming network,” which failed to stream in a sufficiently appealing fashion according to media pundit Jeff Jarvis, (who seems to know about this stuff), because it visually and formulaically resembled traditional TV news formatting, and this, Mr. Jarvis assures us, killed it despite the fact that “the hosts were hip, the outfits ironic, the beards stubbly, the set cool.” WOOF, on the other hand, wonders if these factors too may have combined with nearly non-stop fits of liberal psychosis to hasten the operation’s failure, but we don’t know enough to argue with Jeff Jarvis who insists that the future of news delivery “is video” but adds that he doesn’t know exactly what he means by that. Neither do we, Jeff. Keep us posted though, okay? We’d love to try your ideas out as soon as you’re sure what they are!
And let’s not forget to think a few kind thoughts in parting about Al Jazeera America, which officially departs your cable menu in April, but which has already declared itself a corpse. What fatal ill befell the network to which Al (Jazeera) Gore (we couldn’t help ourselves, sorry) sold his moribund CURRENT television venue after refusing it to Glenn Beck, who, Gore explained, did not share his values? It cost Al Jazeera 500 million to take over Gore’s failed cable channel. WOOF knows Gore turned down a marginally higher offer from Beck, by the way–but there was that whole values problem, remember? Anyhow, the Arab-run network swung into action even as The Nation (the surviving liberal magazine that long played Newsweek to The New Republic‘s TIME) asked its readers “Can Al Jazeera America save Cable News?” Obviously, in the event, Al Jazeera America couldn’t even save itself. and down with the ship (or should we say, the dhow), went numerous third-rate American journalists who had cast their lot with the ill-fated enterprise.
As is so often the case, the Washington Post’s commentary on the matter is funnier than anything we can excogitate. The Post straight-facedly declared that the network, (owned and controlled entirely by the Qatari government’s Al Thani royal family), aired a form of “subversive journalism that challenges power.” Got that? And if that weren’t enough of a thigh slapper, the Post explained that Al Jazeera failed here because “critics inside and out protested it was boring, tepid, old school, too objective…or way too Americanized.” Maybe the Post can sell that schlock to its ever-dwindling readership of triple-mocha-latte-sipping silver ponytailed savants at Starbucks…but the rest of the country knows that Al Jazeera America failed because it was rude, crude, insolent and boring.
Its 4th of July broadcast, just as one example, was entirely devoted to mocking and ridiculing the United States through the devilishly clever ploy of pretending to emphasize our national assets, wink, wink. The newscast devolved into an SNL-style fusilade of anti-American vitriol. One red-white-and-blue-clad presenter trilled that “Americans consume 80 percent of the world’s painkillers. Makes sense though, right? I mean racism in this country is a big pain in the ass!” while other masterminds mocked American guns, pregnancies, and incarceration levels. Viewers were also asked to cheer the fact that Americans lead the world in obesity levels. In fact Mexico’s are conspicuously higher, as are those in several Arab countries. Anyway, so long, Al Jazeera America!
If there were no more Onion, would the walrus still be Paul?
WOOF resolves to think kind thoughts about these departed news entities– as well as one non-news entity, namely, the infamous Onion. We confess a particular dislike for the Onion, first because people are always saying about us, “but they’re like the Onion, right?” because they think we make stuff up. This miffs us considerably, gentle readers–because here at WOOF we merely report stuff that nobody believes–not that we’ve invented–see the difference? And also because making up news stories that aren’t true always seemed to us to be a one-trick-pony approach to humor, as in, “See this story? It’s fake! Haa ha!” How many times is that funny? Anyhow, even though they gave up publishing a print version in 2013, the Onion is still around but was just purchased by Univision, a hugely profitable Spanish language broadcaster, which placed Haim Saban in charge of the operation, he being a millionaire Democratic power-broker and quite possibly Hillary Clinton’s biggest fan, having called Her Magnificence “great for the country and great for the world.” So the Onion is still with us, but now propagandizing for Mrs. Clinton–which they will not, of course, report to their readers, because that would be a true story.
WOOF resolves to support President Obama’s efforts to reduce blood pressure on college campuses across America given his recent Executive Order that all lunchrooms in American schools offering “Texas Pete” hot sauce as a condiment, or some similarly cayenne-deficient brand as listed by the Department of Health and Human Services, be obliged to switch to one of the new guideline-approved varieties of sauces that are higher in cayenne pepper content. The presidential guidelines on this matter include such approved substitutions as Frank’s Red Hot and Frank’s Red Hot Original sauces, Crystal hot sauce, Happy Birthday Cayenne Hot Sauce, and Huy Fong Chili Garlic Sauce. At a press conference defending the latest presidential directive, Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Mathews Burwell explained that studies overwhelmingly indicate that ample levels of cayenne pepper in these sauces support immunity to colds and flu, healthy blood pressure levels, migraine prevention, and balanced levels of LDL cholesterol and triglycerides. “The President believes that our nation’s students deserve to be assured they are receiving the optimal health benefits from these popular sauces during the vital life-experience of University attendance,” Burwell told reporters, adding that many of the sauces currently employed in campus cafeterias are chosen on the basis of affordability rather than cayenne content. “We understand budgeting,” Burwell said, “but not when it happens on the backs of America’s young scholars!”
Okay, see how we did that? Not a word of it that whole stupid hot sauce thing is true—but you almost believed it, right? In fact, if we were mischievous—which we are not, of course—we could get this on the Internet and everyone would be raving about how stupid the whole idea is without ever checking to see that we admitted making the whole thing up. And that’s what The Onion does, all day, everyday—so pardon us if we think the joke got tired! (Besides, we like Texas Pete—and so far as we know, its cayenne levels are just fine.) By the way, if while reading the above nonsense you found yourself nodding and thinking, “yeah, that makes sense!” you are not cut out for this website—just a friendly warning!
Need something to drink to? Or, come to think of it—something to drink over?
WOOF resolves that before the election in November, we will, as always, endorse a candidate—or at least a human being—for the presidency. We realize we have never endorsed anyone who actually won, and we have almost never endorsed anyone who even actually ran—but that will not dissuade us from choosing the finest American conceivable upon whom to bestow our mantle. And the really good news is, no matter whom we pick, they would probably win (if, indeed, they got nominated by anyone besides us) because this year will see something close to a 47-state landslide for the Republican nominee!
How do we know this? We have the word of famed economist Arthur Laffer, father of the famous Laffer Curve, which the young economist legendarily sketched on a cocktail napkin during the Ford administration in front of Jude Wanniski, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney. One result was Ronald Reagan, who stubbornly cut taxes in the face of almost universal disapproval, much as had Jack Kennedy during his term in office. Both cuts preceded epic booms in the economy. So when Art Laffer speaks, WOOF listens—even though almost all other economists are still preoccupied with explaining why he’s crazy.
And Art Laffer predicts a near-clean sweep at the polls for the Republican presidential candidate this autumn. “I would be surprised if the Republicans don’t take 45, 46, 47 states out of the 50,” Laffer assured John Catsimatidis, host of the “The Cat’s Roundtable” on AM-970 radio in New York. We at WOOF are known, long-time Lafferites, and we will joyfully hoist a brew or three or four to the maverick economist’s prediction. For his part, Dr. Laffer professes himself pleased with the entire stable of Republican hopefuls, including Mr. Trump. We fervently hope our favorite living economist’s judgment is better than our own in this regard, but given the apparent trends in the Republican nominative process we can’t help recollecting the words of the GOP official who, after Reagan astonished both party establishments by clobbering Carter in 1980 and pulling in scads of new Republicans on his coattails, remarked: “If we’d known we were going to win so big, we’d have run better candidates!”
WOOF resolves to become topical.
Right! And some of you may prefer to suppose that we are already somewhat–topical. But our conclaves in the WOOF cave have resulted in a conclusion–namely, that a more quotidian sort of news treatment is required in order to keep us and our beloved readers abreast of comment-worthy developments that do not require “uberposts.” Uberposts? We didn’t know what an uber post was either, until we we became the grateful recipients of praise from the term’s creator, the estimable Kevin Baker (whose most excellent blog is The Smallest Minority). Kevin was kind enough to say we’d breathed fresh life into the format. Apparently almost nobody has the attention span for lengthy articles nowadays, or so we’re often told, but WOOF, of course, doesn’t care. Or put more correctly, we care only enough to add some features in addition to our usual stuff, which will be aimed at the beloved reader in a hurry. And we hereby resolve to get these additions in gear this year, since we didn’t get around to them last year. There are two terrible, almost satanically coincidental glitches holding up this project, and they involve some guy named Derek Powazek , and Japan. Perhaps we should explain further…it will, if nothing else, provide readers with a firmer grasp of what causes stagnation here in the WOOF cave.
Curse you, Derek Powazek, whoever you are!
Our first problem, once we determined to reserve a column for current, snappy, comparatively brief editorializing and reporting, was technical. We launched some inquiries into how this might be accomplished. Our thought was to add a fourth column (no word play intended) to our front page, reserved exclusively for short diatribes on up-to-the-minute events. But apparently we reckoned without the fact that Derek Powazek, creator of the “Depo Masthead” blog theme, had created what techy author “Eskith” calls “the worst theme available on WordPress,com!” Probably so: we all loved it the moment we laid eyes on it, so it had to be trouble! It seems that among the theme’s many infamous drawbacks is its virtual immutability, so that expanding the three-column arrangement (which you see when you bring up WOOF’s ‘front page’ ) is next to impossible. Tech Elf Noah is of the opinion that it might be simpler to “pin” the left-most of the three existing columns and dedicate it to current commentary, while reserving the middle and rightward columns for the most recent mega-articles–you know…long ones, like this one. We probably would have gone ahead with this by now, except for some additional problems.
Little dots from Japan….
First, we had to decide who would write the shorter articles intended for the pinned left column–that took a while. Then, we had to come up with a “look” for it, since we are very visual people here at WOOF…who like to color with crayolas–maybe you’ve noticed. We thought of a good name for the column, and we had our resident WOOF artist draw a really good sketch for the top of the column–which we all approved thoroughly. But, worst luck, we then agreed on the idea of doing the new column in black and white, like an old newspaper–because we’re just corny like that, with grey tones supplied in small dotted shades, like the old days– sound conservative enough? So, the next problem was all those little dots.
According to our artist, you could once walk into any art store and buy sheets of any kind of little dots you wanted, to transfer onto artwork, no problem at all. But, since the computer age hit the commercial art field,. nobody makes the stuff anymore. Now you just download some computer program that makes the little dots for you, but without the subtlety or variation our artist demands–so we came to a dead halt. No little dots to go on the really good drawing– and even worse: the same people who made the little dots made the transfer lettering that is also no longer available, so our column’s title is going to take longer to “art” as they say in the field of…well…art.
Fortunately, it turns out that somebody still does make the little dots that can be transferred onto art work–the Japanese! Why? Because “Manga”artists use a lot of the stuff. So we ordered a bunch of it from Japan, but it never got here. So we are trying again. And when we get our technical issues all straightened out, with or without the help of the afore-mentioned Derek Powazek, and when we get our sheets of little dots from the good folks at “Deleter Manga Shop” in Tokyo (it is, understandably, difficult delivering packages to a cave), we will initiate our new topical, up-to-the-moment column of briefer commentary. With any luck at all, this will happen sometime this year. At least, that’s our New Year’s resolution!
In the sight of God and man….
And now, we can happily set aside this almost-no-longer-seasonal subject and set about the tawdry process of breaking most of the above resolutions, while, we devoutly hope, realizing a few them, too, as the year progresses— and so in closing, let’s take a moment to recall that all of these effluvial vows, asseverations, and velleities pale before that singular, historic pledge that WOOF exists to conserve and advance. Let us close, therefore, by recalling the trenchant sentiment of John Adams expressed to his beloved Abigail in a letter dated July 3, 1776 to the effect that: “Yesterday the greatest question was decided which ever was debated in America; and a greater perhaps never was, nor will be, decided among men. A resolution was passed without one dissenting colony, ‘that these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States. In a few days there will be a Declaration setting forth the causes which have impelled us to this mighty Revolution… and the reasons which will justify it in the sight of God and man.”