WOOF! Watchdogs of Our Freedom

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS!

FAQs

In which the editors of WOOF respond to oft-voiced interrogatives from visitors to our site!

What does WOOF stand for?

Watchdogs of Our Freedom, obviously. Except for the “obviously…” That’s extra.

Are you a Tea Party organization?

Not specifically–is there a membership card? But we love the Tea Party. We’re a lot funnier, though.

Good point! Some say you are liberals lampooning crazy right wingers, is that true?

Nope. We’re genuinely crazy right wingers—sorry.

Would you call yourselves ultra-conservatives?

We call ourselves counter-revolutionaries—a term we borrowed from Whittaker Chambers. We want to roll back the liberal establishment. We want the world to be safe for conservatives, but some of us may be too bohemian to fit into that mold ourselves.

Are you a Christian organization?

We think so, but we keep hearing from Christians who don’t. Actually any non-communist American can join WOOF—Jewish folks, Buddhists, Catholics, Protestants, Mormons—even atheists and agnostics. We aren’t fussy…

How does somebody join WOOF?

You can join us in your heart, mainly—we don’t have dues or anything—we don’t have meetings, either. We might get around to sending you a membership card if you really wanted one. Possibly even a t-shirt. We believe in the way of give and not get.

How old is WOOF?

Our values are timeless, of course, but we started mailing out information pieces in 1976. We called them WOOF ALERTS. When we found out about the Internet we started sending email alerts. Then we found out we could have a web page, so now we do that and here we are. 

Do you really live in a cave on the Atlantic Coast?

Of course we do—why would we lie about that? But you don’t have to live in a cave to join WOOF—it just helps.

What do you say to people who think you’re paranoid?

We’ve never denied it. Besides, denying it would make us sound paranoid!

Are you 911 “truthers?”

We tell the truth about everything—including our firm belief that Al Qaeda flew commercial airliners into the trade towers. Does that count?

Are you “birthers?”

Some of us are, some of us aren’t—but there’s something very strange about Barack Obama’s background. We are currently checking to see if he may have been born on Mars.

You also seem to believe in the Hollow Earth theory—and UFOs. Why do you throw this into your beliefs?

It’s fun to believe in the Hollow Earth and UFOs. Sir Edmond Halley believed in the Hollow Earth, and Barry Goldwater firmly supported the reality of flying saucers—so what’s the problem?

Are you connected with the John Birch Society?

No, not at all–but they’re okay with us—we just liked William F. Buckley Jr. a lot more than they do– but we aren’t mad about it or anything. They might be, but not us.

Why are you so pro-Israel?

Because they are the only democracy in the Middle East, the most admirable and refined culture in the region, a loyal ally, the classic embattled underdogs whom we are naturally predisposed to root for, and mainly because the Mossad sends us huge monthly bribes.

Does the Mossad really send you bribes?

No, we made that part up—but we’d like to put it out there that if the Mossad would like to send us huge monthly bribes, we’d be fine with that.

How can people contact you?

Our techno-elves assure us that our email is in the “contact us” menu tab on the home page.

Can anyone write for WOOF?

Almost no one can write for WOOF—it takes a special knack to churn out lighthearted yet steadfastly McCarthyite commentary that’s simultaneously verifiable, hilarious, and by many accounts impenetrably grandiloquent. It’s harder than it looks. But if you send us something and we like it, we might use it—why not?  

Do you pay people if you use their material?

Not unless the Mossad comes through—but we’ll send you a t-shirt.

What do you say to people who tell you your articles are too long, or too difficult to read because of the big words?

We have a simple solution to the first complaint–we just tell people who say we should write shorter articles to start halfway down.  As for the big words, we were thinking awhile back of sending free dictionaries to anyone who sent us a complaint if the the reader cited at least 5 words he couldn’t understand in a specific article. But then our techno-elf Noah informed us that anyone can look up any word on any computer nowadays–so we dropped the idea. Maybe people who can’t understand our prose are also unaware of this amazing availability–evidently it’s something called Goggle, or Gurgle, or something like that–you just type in the word and hit ‘search’ and apparently the definition pops right up–but if you ask us, dictionaries are still better.  We checked, and the PCs on our desks in the WOOF Cave actually weigh more than our single volume OED from 1968–and you don’t have to plug the OED in, either!

Are all the readers who come to this page going to know what the OED is? 

Oh–possibly not. So they should learn about that Goggle thing and just type it in on their computers, right?

Why don’t you say who you are—the individual WOOF writers and researchers? Are you cowards? Don’t you think the government knows who you are anyway?

Yes, of course, the government could figure out who we are, and if we’ve annoyed them enough they probably already have. But WOOF is a secret society and always has been. Were the “Sons of Liberty” cowards? You just can’t have a secret society if you go around telling everybody who you are—and yes, some of us would lose our jobs if we were publicly known…particularly the university professors and also those of us who might have jobs in Hollywood—except that so far none of us does. But it’s mainly just fun to have a secret society, and we insist on having fun! 

Why were you so hard on President Obama?

It’s definitely nothing personal—we just didn’t like him, but it was mostly just because he was a communist.

Are you racists?

No! We supported Alan Keyes for the presidency in 2000 and we are huge supporters of Allen West—and we remain sentimental fools for Condi Rice, even though she handed the country to Obama for 8 years because she liked playing piano and watching NFL games too much to bother running against him. And we would really like to get Thomas Sowell to write for us, but evidently he only does that if you pay him. Oh, and we really like to watch “I Spy” reruns on Hulu—that was a good show! Does that count?

What is your website’s main purpose?

To make fun of people.

Do you ever make fun of Republicans?

All the time! John McCain, Susan Collins, and Mitt Romney, for instance! We’d make fun of Benjamin Harrison and Chester A. Arthur, too—but it’s not as funny when they’re dead.

Well, John McCain’s dead now too, right?

Right! So we wrote a eulogy that made fun of him. But we’ll probably lay off him now, and maybe switch to Jeff Flake for a while.

Do you have a favorite conservative?

John Wayne.

What about somebody who’s not dead?

We don’t stick our necks out like that. If we pick somebody who’s alive, he might take a wrong turn—but you can rely on dead people, because it’s too late for them to mess things up!

Who was your favorite president?

George Washington.

How about more recently?

John Adams.

Isn’t it unnecessarily controversial for you to stick up for Joe McCarthy?

Probably—but then, the whole idea of WOOF is unnecessarily controversial when you really think about it.

Originally you said you would not “tweet” your articles, but now you do—what changed your minds?

Learning how to tweet.

Is WOOF against Gays?

Not at all—we welcome Gay readers—we want them to have t-shirts too! But we oppose Gay marriage, per se. Marriage of men to women is at least 20,000 years old and redefining it is what roils our conservative enzymes—which is most of them. WOOF favors civil partnerships for Gays.

Aren’t Gays going to call themselves married anyway?

No biggie. WOOF supports the First Amendment.

Is WOOF planning any major expansions or new features?

Not really.

You’re not planning anything in the way of new features?

Well, things like that may show up, but they’ll be largely accidental.  We rely mostly on teleology—it saves us the trouble of having ideas.

The theme of your cite has been called the worst one ever created by critics of blog designs.  Why don’t you switch to something better?

Well, it’s true that the Depo Masthead design is almost impossible to do much with in the way of customization or expansion–we found that out the hard way–but isn’t there something intrinsically appealing about sticking with the worst blog design in history? At least we use a web theme that we can honestly state is without equal, right?

Do you ever censor comments to your site?

We censor profanity and we won’t keep any racist or anti-Semitic comments up—but we love our critics. We wish they wanted t-shirts, but they never seem to. We even wish the swarms of people who bluster critically about us on Reddit would do the same on our cite, but they seem to prefer being decisively rebutted in that larger venue.  

What’s the main message WOOF wants to convey to the world?

“Stop it!”

Any_Questions_438_292

[Well! How about you gentle readers? If you feel WOOF has not answered an important question that YOU have, feel free to type it in under the comments section of this FAQ page, and who knows? One of us may get around to answering it for you! –Ed.] 

  1. I’ll bite, WOOF! Are you all male or are some of you ladies?

    Like

  2. Every merry band needs a Maid Marian or two, Elaine–but the exact demographics are, of course, classified! –Ed.

    Like

  3. Hey, WOOF, where do old WOOF BITES go? I miss seeing some of them, now that you’ve shortened the column.

    Like

  4. Oh, ummm…we’re afraid where they went is–away! Sorry. They’re gone. Maybe we should have started a “morgue” for them, but the sad truth is, WOOF BITES are ephemeral–although all the more precious in their fleeting effulgence, don’t you think? –Ed.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s