MAGGIE’S DRAWERS DIVISION, byline Bang Gunley
To help the President in his crusade to drive up gun sales, WOOF has asked its staff weaponologist Bang Gunley (not his real name) to suggest advantageous gun purchases for patriotic readers who have been negligent in arming themselves heretofore, presumably because they were diverting unaccustomedly massive amounts of their budgets to paying taxes, fueling their cars, and coping with skyrocketing insurance rates as socialist healthcare looms.
Naturally, Bang was operating under certain constraints in assembling his recommendations, first because we asked him to address the needs of adults only, whereas Bang believes children should be armed at birth; and second because Bang was required to mention only weapons that are legally obtainable by honest citizens, meaning that none of the automatic fire power recently supplied to Mexican drug cartels by our Justice Department was considered. Here follows a portion of Mr.Gunley’s remarks, which we are serializing on account of length. This installment features Mr. Gunley’s advice on selecting a handgun for the man of the family.
“The most important thing, first off, is to buy American, so this should mean getting a Colt. There are, of course, many other fine American gun manufacturers who make excellent pistols, but none of them make Colts, so for a man’s handgun, you will wish to obtain the .45ACP caliber for maximum person-stopping power in the classic 1911 design, but for better handling and concealment you want a cooler slightly shorter version and that will require obtaining the ‘Commander’ model of the same weapon with the 4.25” barrel, which presents a problem because the currently offered Colt Commander out of the box is the 1991 series and isn’t as reliable as the same model in the XSE-series version. For more money however, Colt will provide the XSE Commander which is a good idea because it also comes with the Wayne Novak sites, which you definitely want. Also the 1991 model has a lowered ejection port, but it is not actually fluted, and it has that ouch-provoking grip tang instead of a ‘beaver tail’ grip safety, so even though it has the nice blued finish, you probably want to look at the XSE, which does come with a lowered and fluted ejection port, comfortable beaver tail, and can be fitted with the Wayne Novak sights as previously mentioned, but the Commander in XSE either comes in the blue finish, which you definitely want, but with an aluminum receiver, which you definitely don’t want, or is available in all steel, which you definitely want, but only brushed stainless steel, and nobody wants a shiny gun—so you don’t really want that, besides, did I mention you really want the series ’70 firing system, so you probably want to look elsewhere. Fortunately, Colt recently issued new 1911s with the ’70 series firing system and they also come in blue, but unfortunately they do not make a Commander model in the series ‘70, so that won’t really work, and besides they have the bad tang and no work on the ejection ports. So what you can do is, you need to look at this thing called the 21st Century Commander and it comes blue with a high beaver tail grip, a lowered and fluted ejection port, and everything else you want, plus the series 70 firing system, except it costs a mint and it has that stupid aluminum frame, which you definitely don’t want, or you could just give up on the Commander model and get the 5” barrel but you’ll want to get one with all the above-mentioned adjustments making your best bet the Special Government Model, which is all-steel but has the ambidextrous safety, creating a snagging hazard, which you don’t want, and besides, the barrel’s too long. I will continue to negotiate with the fine folks at Colt Manufacturing Co., in hopes of persuading them to produce a blued series ’70 Colt Commander that is all-steel and has the Novak sights, but in the meantime, buy an M-1 .30 caliber carbine and a couple of ‘banana’ clips…and get one for the little lady—they’re easy on the recoil!”–B.G. (Next time: Bang discusses his problems with the M-1 Carbine!)