DEALING WITH THE ASSAULT RIFLE ISSUE--byline Bang Gunley (not his real name)
Assault Rifles are of grave concern to our nation’s gun controllers ever since Liberals first learned the term. Whenever some psycho uses a gun to kill innocent people, regardless of what sort of gun is used, the call goes out to rid our nation of assault rifles—so WOOF wants to help. And we can’t get rid of assault rifles until we know what they are, right? I mean, Liberals could, but before we get to that, let’s look at some reliable definitions. First, Wikipedia, because even though it’s there for anybody to edit, we all look at it all the time anyhow, right? So here’s the Wikipedia definition: “An assault rifle is a select-fire (either fully automatic or burst capable) rifle that uses an intermediate cartridge and a detachable magazine.” Now that’s a great definition, but just to be certain, let’s open up the Oxford Dictionary—they define it as “a lightweight rifle developed from the sub-machine gun, which may be set to fire automatically or semi-automatically.” Correct again! I could go on and on, but it gets boring. Basically you need a light rifle, using an intermediate cartridge (no such thing as a “high powered” assault rifle, whatever the President thinks that means), that has the capacity to fire fully automatic. That means “like a machine gun” for you liberal readers. Why don’t they make “high powered” assault rifles? Because nobody could hold them on target or carry enough ammo for them, that’s why!
The very first authentic assault rifle was the German Sturmgewehr (meaning “Assault Rifle,” how about that?) It had image problems right from jump street because first off, it was made for Nazi soldiers and SS troops, and second, even Hitler didn’t like it because—well, he was just sort of negative guy, really. He especially didn’t like the shorter 8mm Mauser cartridge that the new weapon could spray accurately on full automatic, the 7.92x33mm. Go figure. Anyway, the Nazi manufacturers decided to make a bunch of Sturmgewehrs behind der Fuhrer’s back, but they got caught and he closed down production. Later on, demand from the Eastern front got him to rethink the matter, and the 1944 models were put into production, but it was too late in the war to make much difference. Hitler of course was a gun grabber who had no patience with the idea of an armed citizenry, and did nothing for the reputation of firearms unless you count shooting himself with a Walther PPK (no, not an assault rifle).
The most famous assault rifle ever made is, of course, the legendary AK-47, that tool of communist revolution around the globe, and the only gun to be on a national flag (Mozambique, in fact—I figured you’d want to know). This selective fire 7.62x39mm gun was first developed by good old Michael Kalashnikov, and what a character he was, huh? Anyway, the commies have by now turned out about a bazillion of these puppies, and they’ve seen use all over the world, wherever the bad guys need a little firepower. Say, that scamp Vladimir Putin just opened up a factory in cooperation with Venezuela’s Chavez that makes—AK-47s! And you can buy yourself some type of this weapon anywhere in the world—or start a Communist revolution and get a bunch for free!
Well, do WE have assault rifles? Yes, Virginia, there is an American assault rifle—in fact there are several by now—but the M-16 is the most famous. It fires the infamous .223 cartridge and is widely despised or adored by American soldiers and Marines, depending on whom you ask. We used it in Vietnam, and that means there are a lot of cool pictures with John Wayne holding one—but the one he breaks against a tree in “The Green Berets” was actually a plastic toy—I guess the Duke didn’t want to mess up a real one.
Since the M-16 we have had a lot of other kinds of assault rifles. The original versions of these were called the AR-15 (as originally issued to U.S. Special Forces in Vietnam) and the CAR-15, a carbine version of the M-16 that jammed a lot—but it was still an assault rifle. Just one that jammed a lot. Right now the troops are using the M-4, a really nasty looking weapon that has a lot of bells and whistles, is much shorter than the M-16, and reportedly jams a lot—but there are rumors that the military may adapt the Heckler and Koch HK416, which uses a cool new self-regulating gas system that prevents powder residue from building up in the receiver—so it doesn’t jam.
Another possible contender for the American military would be the SCAR, or Special Operations Forces Combat Assault Rifle, which obviously doesn’t quite give you that exact acronym, but nobody liked saying SOFCAR. Anyhow, it’s manufactured right here in good old South Carolina by the good folks at F.N. Herstal, and it chambers two NATO flavors of cartridge, you can have 5.56x45mm, or the good old 7.62x51mm and SCARs chambering either caliber come in long barrel and close-quarters (short barreled) options.
Okay, but we’ve all seen the local news bozo, Spiff Spiffly doing a remote from right outside the Acme Gun & Coin shop, right? And Spiff says into the camera, “This is the very same gun that the VC mowed down our forces with in Vietnam, Sally! And I just bought it without any difficulty at the Acme Gun & Coin Shop, right behind me here on Main Street!” And Spiff holds up his new AK-47, so the camera can get a good shot of it, right?
And then the local news gang goes into paroxysms of dismay that you can just go buy “a machine gun” at a downtown store in their city! So we need gun control, right?
Well good news! That AK-47 Spiff bought will not shoot fully automatic—so it isn’t an assault rifle! (He doesn’t tell you this, because he’s too stupid to know it—no, not because he’s slanting the news, trust me, I know Spiff—he’s just an idiot!) And the local news at 6 team? You know those people are morons. All of them. These days even the sports casters are complete morons. They must have to flunk a test or something! And this is doubly true on the macro-cosmic scale—except that they are really subversive Leftists at that level. So when a subversive government-controlled propaganda source shows you a headline like this one: “(AP) — Meriden police say they have recovered a stolen Bushmaster assault rifle and ammunition from the killer’s effects”—they know better—first of all they know that that Bushmaster is not an automatic weapon, and second, in this tragic incident, they know the Bushmaster wasn’t actually even used in the crime—but they don’t mention that part and they figure you’re too stupid to ask–they just figure you’ll go running into the office next day saying something totally ignorant like, “We have to get rid of all these assault rifles!” Don’t be that guy! The first rule of survival in America today is to be smarter than the Associated Press.
But I digress. See, the point is that way back in the roaring ’20s, people got tired of Al Capone’s guys shooting up the city with those Tommy Guns. Those Thompsons fired fully automatic if you wanted, and in the 1920s you could buy them legally. As you might have guessed, it was that man, Franklin Delano Roosevelt who decided that the Thompson-style weapons should be banned. He stated his concern that “”Federal men are constantly facing machine-gun fire in the pursuit of gangsters,” which FDR apparently thought would stop once the gangsters realized their guns were banned. The result of FDR’s campaign was the National Firearms Act of 1934, which to this very day, ladies and gentleman, TO THIS VERY DAY, means that no private citizen may take possession of a fully-automatic firearm (like, oh say, an assault rifle) without paying a $200 tax to the Internal Revenue Service, undergoing a stringent background check, and being approved by the Treasury Department to own the firearm, (which isn’t actually going to happen, by the way), which will register the weapon federally in the rare event that such a “collectors” license is granted.
What I just said, then, is that nobody can go into any American gun store and purchase an assault rifle. It can’t be done. It could never be done—not since FDR spoiled it for the rest of us and left “Tommy guns” strictly in the hands of mobsters. You can purchase a gun that looks very wicked and would scare the bejabbers out of Senator Dianne Feinstein or Nancy Pelosi—but it probably wouldn’t be nearly as dangerous to life and limb as a lot of “civilian looking” hunting rifles that also fire semi-automatic—and what does that mean? It means when you pull the trigger, the gun fires one round (that’s bullet to you liberals), and if you want it to fire again, you have to pull the trigger again. Bang, bang, bang—not ratatatatat, see the diff? So there: We have eliminated all sales of assault rifles everywhere in America, in one swell foop! How’s that for public-spirited action! Yes, I know what you liberal readers are going to ask—you’re going to ask me, well, if all those crazed killers didn’t have assault rifles, how did they kill so many people in so little time? And the answer is simple. Those people were unarmed! (And, sadly, unprotected!)
Now—just as the Global Warming hoaxers learned that they’d be crushed by empiricism if they stuck to the “getting hotter” scenario and therefore switched to calling the problem “Climate Change” which has—obviously—no possible definition, so the assault rifle banners have, to some extent, figured out that there are no assault rifles to ban—so they have coined the term “assault weapon” meaning any type of weapon a liberal thinks you shouldn’t own. Is there a lexicographer in the house?? More on this NEXT TIME! –B.G.