Editor’s note: In the 1970s and well through the Reagan ‘80s, WOOF maintained PAP (People Against Pandas) as an official subsidiary of our own organization. During the ‘90s and subsequently, PAP operated as a distinct organization without ties to WOOF, partially owing to the fact that WOOF could not verify every detail of the reports PAP was submitting to our headquarters (at that time located in Brodbecks, PA). Recently however, Grayson Moseley Straith, who edits our Science and the Paranormal page, asked permission to reprint the following submission from PAP, and because of our intense respect for Gray’s good judgment and hard work (albeit tinctured with a droplet or two of paranoid personality disorder) we gave our consent to running the following article under our auspices. While WOOF was not able to verify some of the details related below, we invite the reader to check the data and decide for himself whether pandas represent a clear and present danger! –Ed.
Since the mid-1970s, People Against Pandas has warned the people of the United States to be on guard against one of the most nefarious communist plots in the long and frightening history of Red treachery, betrayal and deception: Namely the clandestine surveillance of the United States and its citizens as well as a deliberate series of unprovoked attacks upon innocent Americans and others in friendly countries by panda-bot! These atrocities constitute the true aims of Red China’s production of so-called panda bears. Long believed to be happy-go-lucky, cuddly emissaries of Mao Tse Tung’s workers’ paradise, these horrendous implements of death, destruction and espionage are Beijing’s most successful foray thus far into the sacred bastion that is the American home!
True, the Western World first learned of pandas in March of 1869 when a French missionary named Armand David discovered the dwindling species in China.
Armand David may have witnessed the last remaining biological pandas-– on the brink of extinction. Even at that point, the actual population of Chinese pandas had been hunted to near-extinction by local Asiatic peoples, and almost none were still in existence by the time Theodore Roosevelt managed to track down a fine surviving male of the species, whom he quite sensibly shot. Yes, even the original, biological version of the panda had a well-deserved reputation as a rapacious man-killer, and Teddy’s prize might well have savaged him ruthlessly had he not acted with characteristic decisiveness. It seems certain that the last actual, fully biological pandas were sold off by the Chinese and taken to zoos in London and Chicago, where they lived out their days in captivity, the breed reaching extinction with their passing. No reports or verifiably-genuine photos of living, breathing panda bears have been authenticated since 1938.
The Strange Fate of “Acoustic Kitty”
Fast forward to a seemingly extraneous datum! During the Kennedy administration (John F. Kennedy was America’s thirty-fifth president, for the benefit of readers who are young and publicly educated) was a having no luck at all getting the CIA, circa 1961, to infiltrate the Russian leadership. During this time it became painfully obvious to the American CIA that it could not recruit agents within, nor infiltrate agents into, the Kremlin. Human intelligence, long the staple of spying everywhere, was simply not going to prove possible when it came to cracking the Iron Curtain! Undaunted, the CIA recruited a feline agent to spy on America’s enemies, the idea being that a largely robotic yet still living, breathing cat (filled with listening and photographic equipment) might be properly fitted out to infiltrate the most carefully guarded soviet headquarters.
Operation “Acoustic Kitty” was undertaken by Agency scientists and veterinarians and the result was a cyborg-cat spying and listening device, which while still a living cat, was nevertheless packed to the whiskers with eavesdropping equipment, including a photographic eye. The idea was to train the cyborg cat to exit a nondescript van across the street from Soviet military headquarters, run over, and jump the wall. Once inside, the cat was trained to insinuate itself into situations of a private or confidential nature and broadcast her findings to the cat’s controllers in the van for subsequent diplomatic shipment to Virginia. Sadly, Operation Acoustic Kitty met a tragic fate, despite its ground-breaking significance, when the cat, on its way from the van to the Kremlin, was hit by a speeding Moscow taxi cab and knocked out of commission, not to mention killed. And there, on that slushy Moscow street, the story might have ended were it not for another extraordinary coincidence! According to PAP, a foreign exchange student in Moscow at the time of the spy cat’s premature demise was a young Asian scholar with a precocious gift for computerization, micro-technology, and the budding science of animatronics. Inspired by what he knew of Walt Disney’s advances in the field, youthful Huang Chengqing had only recently presented to the executive branch of China’s state council his plan to animatronically revive Mao in the event of his death, so that he would appear to retain the power of leadership, exhibit several facial expressions, affect a number of characteristic postures, and utter a variety of useful socialist shibboleths for the enlightenment of visitors. The Council, while impressed with Huang’s brilliance, considered the plan too ambitious (settling in the event for merely stuffing Mao and placing him in a glass condiment case for the adoration of the masses.) Still, it was determined that Huang’s genius should be put to good service, and he was dispatched to study and further develop his theories as an exchange student at Lomonsov Moscow State University.
While young Huang enjoyed his studies at Lomonsov very much, he found himself no less a victim of chronic food shortages than any other Muscovite, and therefore, happening along the road that day on his bicycle, paused to place the freshly killed Acoustic Kitty in his back pack, utterly unaware of what he had just laid hands on! Not until he arrived back at the small campus apartment that he shared with nineteen fellow Chinese exchange students, and began to prepare the cat for the boiling pot, did Huang grasp the magnitude of his discovery! Wresting the cat’s remains from the clutches of his famished comrades, Huang, with increasing excitement, proceeded to disassemble and diagram every detail of what he now perceived to be an espionage device of such sophistication and creative genius, he at first presumed it to be the work of the Israelis. Only later did he identify the work as that of the American CIA, and vow to himself that his mission in life would be to enlarge and expand on the secrets that had fallen into his hands—for the greater glories of communism and the People’s Republic of China.
The ghastly secret of Xiachuan Island
It was not until the early 1970s that Huang Chenquing returned to China and petitioned the scientific branch of the Central Military Commission of the People’s Liberation Army to consider his request to undertake his master plan, code named: 熊的欺騙手段, or Bears of Deception. After much deliberation he was granted a limited budget, although substantial for its day, and was able to establish a secret laboratory on the Chinese Island of Xiachuan, in the South China Sea near the coast of China’s Guangdong province, an island long maintained as “a secure zone” by the Reds and feared by local fishermen as a prohibited experimental area. There, in his secret laboratories, Huang began the development of his own version of the CIA’s ill-fated “Acoustic Kitty”—he began to create a race of robotic cyborgs in the form of panda bears, whose capacity for intelligence gathering, electronic data accumulation, and, and yes, horrifically violent attacks on homo sapiens, exceeded anything previously known—or dreamt of– in the field of animatronics.
People Against Pandas sounds the alarm!
By the time President Nixon’s ill-conceived 1972 mission to Beijing was concluded, the Chinese Communists had several prototypical Panda-bots ready to put up to mischief! Certainly the best known of these being the models “Ling-Ling” and “Hsing-Hsing” the pair of spybears sent home with President and Mrs. Nixon after their diplomatic venture to the enslaved Communist mainland. Pat Nixon innocently contributed these two fully-operational spy machines to the Washington Zoo, where they began their substantial careers as agents in place for their Red Chinese designers. And it was at this juncture that the fledgling organization Watchdogs of our Freedom was contacted by certain freedom loving refugees from China’s mainland, and informed of the Panda-bots’ insidious mission and actual nature.
A small off-shoot of WOOF organized as PAP (People Against Pandas) in 1974 and attempted to warn freedom loving peoples everywhere that the Chinese pandas were nothing less than furry, electronic Trojan Horses, sent to deprive us of our liberties and attack us overtly if discovered about their sinister business! But in those days before the Internet or TWITTER there was little to be done against the onslaught of pandamania sweeping the nation! More panda-bots were innocently demanded by other countries and obligingly sent to England, Japan, and yes, even Taiwan. The damage to the national security of these nations as well as to our own is virtually impossible to calculate, especially since the later models were able to hover for limited amounts of time, the better to pick up and transmit state secrets to the ever-attentive antennae atop the Chinese Embassy in DC!
But the eventual expiration of these devices, whose operational life expectancies are known only to their communist designers, became problematic for the Reds, and by 1984, panda-bots were no longer given freely as agents of “diplomacy.” Instead, the Chinese secret service collaborated with Huang Chengqing (who remained in overall charge of the program) to offer the latest model spy bears to targeted nations as ten-year loans. The standard terms entailed payments of one million U.S. dollars per year, and the eventual return of the “bear,” the better to thoroughly develop its data, and refit it for its next mission! Think of it, those Chicoms were actually charging us to be spied on!
Record of blood!
Most of the world’s citizens are unaware of the robotic nature of pandas, and oblivious of the hard cold truth that when these pseudo-ursine cyborgs embark on missions taking them outside the confines of their habitats, as they routinely do, they will turn instantly murderous in the rare event that these nocturnal spying operations are discovered by witnesses. This is what occurred at the San Diego Zoo in March of 2011 when a pandabot the zookeepers called Bai Yun (White Cloud) was caught in the act of sneaking out of her pen by keepers who overheard her picking the lock. When the keepers entered the area to ascertain the origin of the sounds, Bai Yun flung herself at them in a ferocious attack. The details were instantly hushed up, but at least one keeper was known to be in serious condition and even the typically pro-panda LA Times admitted in a related story that, “Despite their cuddly appearance, pandas, in the wild or in captivity, are known for quick changes of temperament that can lead to aggressiveness.” In the wild? The Times either did not realize or did not care to acknowledge that all pandas photographed “in the wild” are merely animatronic devices positioned in surroundings suitable for photography! Many of these pandas are less sophisticated models, suitable for climbing trees, pretending to eat bamboo shoots, and mugging for photographers, but they are no less creations of the scientists on Xiachuan Island than their more murderous and perfidious counterparts, the fully equipped pandabots! Nature photogs who believe themselves to be snapping shots of pandas in the wild behaving naturally might just as well be at Disney World enjoying the Safari Ride and shooting pictures of the fake elephants and the surfacing mechanical hippo—they are the pandabots distant cousins! Another violent incident occurred in Hong Kong in 2008 when a giant panda suddenly grabbed a keeper who was feeding him bamboo leaves at a Hong Kong park. The panda, whose name was Peace, savaged the handler while evidently pawing through his pockets for the keys to the gates. The Hong Kong press is now largely under the dominance of the Beijing government, of course, and nothing more was reported of the incident beyond the assurance that the keeper was recovering from his wounds.
Pandabots are not only adept spies and opportunistic maulers—they have also been used in assassination attempts on foreign dignitaries. Former French leader Valery Giscard d’Estaing was enticed to the zoo in Paris and recalls finding himself suddenly, for reasons he cannot clearly recall (indicating a powerful post hypnotic suggestion from a source or sources unknown) standing alone in the middle of the panda cage. The panda immediately attacked d’Estaing and would have certainly made brief work of him had aids not rushed to the dignitary’s defense, wrenching him from the insatiable jaws of the cyborg. The pandabot that attacked D’Estaing was named Yen-Yen, a gift to prior French President Georges Pompidou (who may have been the intended target) from Mao Tse Tung himself. Another pandabot offered to the French at the same time, Li-Li, evidently malfunctioned and went inoperative shortly after delivery. Li-Li’s target, had she remained on line, may have been author Jean-François Revel, according to sources within the French intelligence community.
We need not belabor the point here with case after case related in grisly detail, even the most half-hearted Google search will disclose a vast catalogue of ruthless panda attacks on humans. In fact, the majority of these devices, fiendishly infiltrated into the zoos of unsuspecting democracies, is currently believed to be waiting in “sleeper” mode for some signal from Beijing activating some sort of collective action—and what that may be is known only to the highest officials in the Chinese government and the covert team of animatronic scientists on dread Xiachuan island!
What you can do!
PAP cannot win this fight alone! You, the average loyal American can help People Against Pandas spread the alarm—inform the public—protest efforts to propagandize your fellow citizens into conceptualizing pandas as cute, cuddly emissaries of gentleness and goodness! Don’t allow your children to play with panda bear toys—give them good honest American Teddy Bears, named after a farsighted president who shot pandas for sport! Keep pandas off your kids’ pajamas, bedclothes, and undies! Protest when local news broadcasts present programming about how adorable pandas are! Think about it: Americans are surrounded by a virtual ocean of panda imagery everywhere they look nowadays, but it isn’t too late to stop this vile infestation, and there is still time to insist that America return all pandabots currently engaged in espionage activities from bases within our own zoos to China for a refund! The clock is ticking, but before the great sleeper-panda H-hour arrives, when these soulless creatures may undertake in unison and en masse whatever brand of mass destruction their creators have programmed them for, there may still be time to get them out of the country, out of our media, and off our nursery walls! Are you with us America?