As loyal WOOF ALERT readers are well aware, the United Nation’s Climate Policy Guide, issued in 2010, warned earthlings that the Himalayan Glaciers would completely melt by the year 2035. Regular WOOF subscribers will also recall that WOOF immediately referred this problem to its subsidiary organization, CRRAP (Committee for the Right-of-center Review of Assertions of the Paranormal) since the preservation and protection of the Yeti (aka the Abominable Snowman), native to the imperiled region, have long been major concerns of that organization. Followers of our ALERTS will also recall that CCRAP subsequently reported that all glacial melting on the Indian sub-continent would be halted if enough Americans continued to divert negative energy from the situation by focusing instead on watching football and drinking beer.
Experts have assured WOOF that with their traditional habitat saved by the exertions of WOOF’s dedicated (secret) membership, the Yeti, which together with the Loch Ness Monster and the Thunderbird have long been matters of ecological focus here at our offices, will continue to proliferate and range freely. One expert consulted on the matter by our Staff insisted that “The Yeti is so safe, the species may soon outnumber even the vast over- population of Arctic Polar Bears!”
WOOF can now report that CCRAP’s project to save the Yeti appears to be a success, as the UNITED NATIONS announced on February 9th that the threatened glaciers do not appear to be melting after all. Faced with overwhelming satellite evidence that the Himalayas haven’t melted much at all over the past ten years, Rajendra Pachuri, chief scientist and spokesperson for the U.N.’s subversive Energy and Resources Institute apologized for the discrepancy, stating that the widely circulated initial assessment appeared to have been “poorly vetted,” which is how the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy says “incorrect.” WOOF and CCRAP wish to extend their wholehearted thanks to all the patriotic and environmentally-concerned Americans who helped us save the Yeti by watching football and drinking beer. We will keep you apprised of further developments, but for now, just keep it up, bearing in mind as spring approaches that baseball (according to CCRAP) appears to work just as effectively. The good news is: the YETI is safe!