Dear Mr. Obama:
Did you ever see the movie Big Jim McLain? We’re guessing probably not—for one thing, it stars John Wayne, and we don’t see you as a John Wayne guy, besides which it opens with a salute to the hard-working members of the House Un-American Activities Committee. We’re guessing you’d rather appear in an NRA commercial than display a scintilla of sympathy for an anticommunist bunch like HUAC. But that’s not important now. What’s important is Daniel Webster.
The Webster Paradigm
We’ve seen media reports that you’re quite the scholar, Mr. Obama, so we needn’t remind you that Daniel Webster was the American statesman who twice served in the House of Representatives (for New Hampshire and Massachusetts) and then in the Senate (for Massachusetts) between and 1813 and 1827. No, not the guy who wrote the dictionary. That was Noah. No, not the Noah who built the ark—but anyway—the reason we thought of Daniel Webster as we began this effort to help you compose a true accounting of your presidency is because in Big Jim McLain there’s this spooky scene where you see Webster’s gravesite on a lightning-riven night, and the narrator intones these lines from Stephen Vincent Benet:
“Yes, Dan’l Webster’s dead—or, at least, they buried him. But every time there’s a thunderstorm around Marshfield, they say you can hear his rolling voice in the hollows of the sky. And they say that if you go to his grave and speak loud and clear, “Dan’l Webster—Dan’l Webster!” the ground’ll begin to shiver and the trees begin to shake. And after a while you’ll hear a deep voice saying, “Neighbor, how stands the Union?” Then you better answer the Union stands as she stood, rock-bottomed and copper-sheathed, one and indivisible, or he’s liable to rear right out of the ground.”
Please don’t misinterpret that as a threat, sir. True, you wouldn’t pass muster, but we understand your public persona demands pretensions to patriotism, even as you chirpily dissemble your record in that sing-song manner to which we’ve all grown achingly accustomed. You did a good job of this last January on the occasion of your most recent farewell address. Presidents traditionally use such events to voice concerns and hopes for the Nation’s future, but somewhat unsurprisingly, you used the occasion to review what you perceived to be your greatest moments in office. As journalist Caroline Baum remarked, “Why wait for others to assess your legacy when you can do it yourself?” But even the perspicacious Baum failed to note the dichotomy between the legacy you described, and your actual accomplishments—or between what Comrade Lenin called truth and objective truth.
We understand how frustrating it must be to continuously burble misleading flummeries while no proper recognition can be given your genuine achievements as an agent of the Islamo-Fascist Left. Like Dostoyevsky’s Raskolnikov, you must find the thrill of getting away with the perfect crime dampened by the realization that nobody appreciates your brilliance. So in what follows, we at WOOF offer you an opportunity to give a complete accounting of the blows you rained upon the Republic, offered mainly for the edification of a demonic dyad (see below) uniquely positioned to assess the impact of those blows, as well as to applaud those manifold instances in which your famously incomputable intellect sufficed to keep you several steps ahead of the clueless bourgeoisie.
Ben Franklin wrote that ““Three May Keep a Secret if Two are Dead,” and that’s exactly what occurred to us while pondering how best to help you catalog your rascality without risking discovery by the masses. Our plan works a lot like Binet’s–only without Daniel Webster, of course–he being an old, dead White guy who’d throttle you on sight. No, for Binet’s framework to fit our purpose, an antithetic approach was required entailing a very different historical icon–one occupying a very different gravesite. An iconic figure sympatico with your unwaivering revolutionary convictions. We refer here, of course, to Fidel Castro.
The Devil and Fidel Castro
You will doubtless have occasion in the not too distant future to revisit the imprisoned island of Cuba, upon which you recently lavished so much favor, even as you conveyed to its tyrannical leadership so many overt and implicit apologies for the sins of your predecessors. Once arrived and sumptuously quartered in environs palatial enough to gobsmack the average Cuban, you will want to seek out the resting place of Fidel Castro. As you know, his ashes are interred inside a big concrete blob at Santiago’s Santa Iphigenia Cemetery. It’s supposed to be a kernel of corn, but it looks more like the Rubbles’ house in Bedrock. Anyway, the point is, you will want to make a pilgrimage there the better to reenact the Big Jim McLain scene, mutatis mutandis. We suggest you cry out, “Primer Ministro Presidente, Comandante Fidel!” And imagine your thrill when he thunders back, “Comrade, how goes the struggle for el socialismo?”
(Except he will probably add remarks amounting to three or four additional hours of your time, in that inimitably loquacious way of his. So bring a book. After all, Fidel’s penchant for giving five-hour speeches to audiences forbidden to leave their seats on pain of death or imprisonment, makes him the only world leader to have used–and on myriad occasions–even more personal pronouns per speech than yourself. But then again, because Fidel gave such long speeches, he had more opportunities to praise himself than you had in your (comparatively) brief addresses. Judging the matter on an hourly rather than a per-speech basis, you’d win hands down. Take your speech in Austin back in 2014. You spoke for only 40 minutes, but managed to employ the pronouns “me,” “my,” and “I” one-hundred and ninety-nine times. Did you know, the entire Gettysburg Address only lasted about three minutes? It contains a measly 272 words– and Lincoln didn’t use a single personal pronoun in the whole speech. What a wallflower!
Print this article!
So, when Fidel finally finishes you must grab the opportunity to say something like: ”The struggle for socialism, unh, goes pretty well, and, unh, I really stuck it to the unh, Yanquis who are so stupido they –-hah–elected me for two, unh, consecutive terms, and unh…” And…see the problem? Here’s where WOOF can really help out, because, that’s right: There’s no place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s concrete lump, and even if there were, Cuban electrical power is notoriously spotty—did you remember to apologize for that? Anyway, you know how you get when you try to ad lib! So print these articles out, Mr. President, and bring them with you (if you can even get WOOF articles into Cuba, which come to think of it probably isn’t all that easy, but you’ve got pull.) Stick to our comprehensive script and we bet Fidel will just about jump right out of his cement blob and give you a big comradely smooch.
But don’t draw the line at impressing your hero in the big grey blob…no, he’s just the intermediary–like a medium at a seance–or a big cigar-chomping ouija board. What matters most is to impress the big guy himself–El Diablo. You know: Iblīs— did we get that right?–you know who we’re talking about, and he’ll be listening all right, Mr, President–the third person in Franklin’s trilogy. Okay, he’s not dead like Fidel, but he’s not alive like we mortals–so Franklin’s maxim still applies. The Devil can keep a secret all right! So here’s what to say; stick to the script we’ve provided and you’ll do fine!
———Begin reading your statement HERE, Mr. President: ————
“To begin with, right from birth I was the cause of confusion and dissent, only most of it didn’t boil over until I ran for president. See, I was born on August 4th in Mombasa—that’s in Kenya—in 1961, just a year before the Americans blundered into the Bay of Pigs, isn’t that right Comandante? LOL! Anyway, I always told everyone I was born in Kenya; but by the time I was running for senate, comrades like Bill Ayers, Bernardine Dohrn, and Carl Davidson— started to worry abut that. I know the Comandante knows Carl, because he personally contacted him and told him America was ready for revolution, remember? Anyway, as soon as my fellow radicals, ex-weather underground mentors and a few of my favorite CPUSA-type professors came up with the idea of my national political career, they pointed out I had to be born in America—just in case I ever tried running for president. Those were some smart folks, guys—I mean—Fidel and—Mr. Devil, sir, or…can I call you Iblis? Maybe just Old Nick!
Multiple births, multiple mysteries:
“After all the advice I got, I realized I was probably born in Honolulu, Hawaii, (coincidentally, on the same day that I was born in Mombasa) so Hawaii became my updated birthplace, even though I seem to have registered as a foreign student in college. And there were all those brochures left around from 1995 publicizing my forthcoming book, Journeys in Black and White–which never actually forthcame, heh, heh, saying I ‘was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.’ In fact, my Kenyan birth was still going strong as recently as 2007 as publicity for my next book–which actually did get written. I liked the Kenyan version because being a real African always impresses “African Americans” cuz, let’s face it, the majority of ’em couldn’t find Africa on a map–and real Africans always leave white liberal academicians gasping in awe, so the Kenyan angle worked great. To tell you the truth, near as I’m able, I’m not exactly sure where I was born anymore–I was pretty young at the time. But I think we can agree that confusion is a mighty weapon we wield against the forces of capitalism, reaction, and all those backward hayseed southern fundamentalist churches that won’t support partial-birth abortion or transgender bathroom rights…you know, like the Catholics.
“But honestly, fellas, the truth is, Hillary really did start the whole “birther” thing back in ’08, like Trump said, only I’d never tell anybody else that. For starters, she sees all these memos and oppo-research findings about my total disconnect from anything authentically American–a fact I take great pride in, by the way–but politically not so good! Next, in unmistakable Clinton style– the emails get ‘leaked’ saying I’m Kenyan–or Jakartan, or Indonesian–and when everybody runs back to Hillary and asks her ‘Why are you sayin’ all this horrible stuff about Barack?’ (Because by then, remember, the media were trampling her in a mad rush over to my side), so she just pulls that bug-eyed face of hers where she looks like she’s never ever been so shocked in her life, you know–eye balls popping out of her head–and –classic Clinton–she turns around and fires the loyal staffers she had leaking this stuff, and tells the press, ‘oh–we traced those memos to a few renegade staffers but I got rid of them.’
“I mean those Clintons, you gotta admire their style– their knack for looking self righteous while they pump out whatever garbage they just made up– I have to say, I’m a big fan. I’ve certainly tried doing it like that, but when I go for indignation I just come off snotty, so mostly I try to act suave and highbrow, but that bores people after a while, except Charlie Rose. I think I’m going more urban Black from here on out, droppin’ muh final G’s, an’ soundin’ like ah’m from the Chicago hood ‘stead of Indonesia by way of Hawaii. And just between us comrades, thousands of my admirers will totally buy the idea that I’m all of a sudden talking like Charlie Rangel or somebody, because, let’s face it, they’re morons–but I say, praise Allah for making so gosh darn many of ’em! Can I get an amen?
The road to the Whitehouse…
“Okay, some funny things happened on my way to the Oval Office–at first, of course, I didn’t think I could win. Like everybody, I figured Hillary was a shoe in, so I just wanted to get my face out there. I never doubted I could beat John McCain–that guy has the electability of a brain damaged tuber–plus, I swear he was rooting for Hillary–but everything changed when the mainstream media just all of a sudden seemed to decide I was the guy. Like somebody pulled a switch. Okay, let’s face it, somebody did–so let’s give kudos to George Soros here, before I go any farther. Me and George go back to 2004 when he threw me a fundraiser at his New York mansion. Up until then, there wasn’t any real money behind me because most of my supporters were communists or former Weather Underground terrorists– and the only work those people can get with that kind of background is pretty much limited to tenured positions at major universities. But Soros smeared my opponent and got me elected in Illinois, after which I served about 700 days, and ran for President!
Wright and Wrong
“So the next big deal was my history at Jeremiah Wright’s church, which we thought might end my chances, because there’s tons of video tape of him saying stuff like ‘God damn America’ and ranting about the Jews, and White people, except that none of the mainstream networks played those parts. So, I just claimed I sat in his church for 20 years, and never heard a word, which was obviously ridiculous—especially with him being my kids’ Godfather and one of my books being dedicated to him and quoting him about “the white man’s greed”and stuff–but the liberal media held solid and covered it up. In retrospect, we totally overestimated the damage Wright could do me—first because voters just dopily accepted the idea that I sat nodding like a bobble doll in his church for 20 years and never heard a word he said, but also when stuff came out about how he’d mentored me and counseled me politically the whole time, we just called it right-wing nonsense. When it came out he taught Liberation Theology, which is really Marxism, as you fellas well know, the press didn’t go near it. And when that jackass Ed Klein came out with his interview asking Wright if he converted me form Islam to Christianity, Wright tells Klein, “I don’t know about that… I can tell you I made it easy for him to come to an understanding of who Jesus Christ is and not feel that he was turning his back on…his Islamic traditions and his understanding of Islam,” —that could’ve blown me out of the water. But none of our media comrades touched it—even though a few of them—cuz they’re mostly dumber than bricks–but a few of them must know that Jesus is in the Quran—he just isn’t a very big deal.
“But then Jeremiah goes totally nuts and gives a speech to the National Press Club. I was still pretty new at the game, so I had the Secret Service sneak me in to try talking him out of the speech—we even secretly tried bribing him to the tune of 150,000 dollars to shut up—but he goes ahead and gives the speech—and what were we even worried about? It was like it never happened. You know what the press talked about? McCain’s imaginary mistress!
“And the same thing happened with Bill Ayers—who bombed the Pentagon and married Bernadine Dorne—who also bombed the capital and the Pentagon—and here they paved the way for me into Chicago politics, helped mentor me, gave me my big political send-off at their suburban home, and Bill even wrote most of my book for me—the first one, the literate one—and he even gets me on the same board of directors as him for three years—and and guess what? Steffy—you know—Comrade Stephanopoulos over at ABC who reminded me I wasn’t Muslim when I goofed and said I was? Well, he asks me, do you know this dude? And I say, ”This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood’ and that’s all there was to it—the only people who gave a damn after that were on FOX News, which we have yet to destroy, comrades.
Arugula, and other discontents….
“Same deal with the books. Lotsa people bought ’em, but I guess nobody ever read ’em, because they were full of praise for Marxists, radicals, and anti-semites, plus my childhood spent imbibing the wisdom of arch communist activist Frank Marshall Davis, when I wasn’t studying Islam. And all my bloopers, heck, they ignored those too. During the campaign when I told reporters I’d been to 57 states and had one to go, SNOPES actually claimed I made sense! I told a national audience my maternal granny didn’t trust Blacks cuz she was ‘a typical White person….’ after which I got caught on a live mic describing people in the Midwest as “bitterly clinging to their guns and their religion.” Ha, but even that didn’t go much farther than the right-wing blogs and radio shows. I said Hillary’s primary win in Kentucky was because she was better known, being from the neighboring state of Arkansas–then I found out Kentucky is actually next door to my home state. Illinois, that is–not Hawaii, which is in Asia—but aren’t all those southern states supposed to be down south? And then there was the whistle stop where I asked the crowd, “Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and seen what they charge for arugula?” Turns out nobody had. Boy, I had to drop a lot of final “g’s” to make up for that one!
“And of course I told Joe the Plumber he’d be better off if we spread his wealth around, which is crazy, cuz once we redistribute income, Joe’ll be plumbing for the socialist collective for peanuts, but again, it was sloughed off by everyone except that whole Hannity, Limbaugh, O’Reilly bunch—and our people dug into that plumber guy and nearly demolished him with smears and negative press. Chicago rules, right? If you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment! But anyway, I get the nomination, mainly because the press all switched to me from Clinton with two snaps of the fingers–first Soros’s, and second, Zbigniew Brzezinski’s over at the Trilateral Commission–and those folks are some dedicated idealists!
As the tide recedes….
“I get elected, which surprises absolutely nobody by then, least of all that zombie McCain– and I’m on the cover of every magazine on every news stand, and supermarkets are selling me on t-shirts and commemorative plates with my big grinning face on them, Pepsi changes its logo to look like mine, and school kids are singing about me the way they used to sing about Papa Doc Duvalier in where was that– Guatamala? And I give that speech with the Greek columns and the reverb thing on my voice, and I tell everybody ‘this was the moment the sick got cared for, the moment there were good jobs for the jobless—the moment the rise of the oceans began to slow and the planet started healing’—can you believe that schlock? But everybody practically swooned. It’s just like P.T. Bailey used to say, there’s an idiot born every second! And to cap it off, the next thing I know I win the Nobel Prize—for what? Even I couldn’t figure it out! I don’t think those old farts in Stockholm knew why either–but like that skinny girl with the big breasts said in that video that went viral–they all had a crush on Obama!
The trillion dollar misunderstanding….
“I pledged to balance the budget in my first year in office. Seriously? I actually hiked the national debt by 6 trillion and managed to take an economy weakened by the housing collapse and the bank crisis, and drive further into recession and debt by ramming through my trillion-dollar ‘stimulus’ program. I called it the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, but there wasn’t any recovery because instead of reinvestment, we did redistribution, mainly of the middle class’s tax dollars into all kinds of worthy projects such as stimulating the economies of Finland, Indonesia, India, Mexico, China, the Dominican Republic, Thailand, Vietnam, Italy, Russia, Luxembourg, El Salvador, Spain, and France. I told reporters ‘the stimulus won’t cost taxpayers a dime,’ and did they investigate that? Of course not! They just ‘reported’ it! Not that we neglected the domestic side. We gave billions to supporters like Elon Musk, NRG Solar, Siga Technologies, and so on. You know how to borrow a whole bunch of campaign money and get tons of free, influential support? One word: Solyndra! They donated massively to my ’08 campaign, lobbied for me like crazy–heck, their top executives met with me regularly at the White House even after I got elected. They bet a load of money on me, so no wonder I ‘stimulated’ them in return with $535 million. Once they got it, they folded, of course–how’re you gonna sell hundreds of defective solar panels? Earlier, I told everyone Solyndra was going to mean 4,000 new jobs, so the New York Times said I failed “to properly evaluate the company’s business proposals.” And they say the press is never critical of me!
Eagles…who needs ’em?
“I told everyone the money was ‘going to help those hardest hit by the economic crisis,’ and those Ferbies on the networks just repeated that guff, along with all that ‘shovel-ready jobs’ manure. Meanwhile we built a high-speed rail system in California that connects nowhere with nothing for a mere $4.3 billion; we handed $128 million to backers who constructed a bridge between Palm City and Stuart, Florida, right next to the bridge that already does that. We gave an Indiana company $118.5 million to pioneer new vistas in electric-car battery technology, only they filed for bankruptcy instead. The Canandaigua Wind Farm did just fine after receiving $61.8 million to build turbines and towers—probably because it was doing just fine already, having built all those things a year earlier.Meanwhile I got the EPA to okay windmills killing hundreds of American eagles, just as long as they died green, but we spent $16.1 million to save the San Francisco Bay area habitat of the Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse–and, (and this is my personal favorite)–we forked over half a million dollars of taxpayer funds to support the creation of Yoga classes in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Say, maybe Hillary will relocate! So next I nationalize a few banks and take over GM and Chrysler, ban the word “Chevy” and build the Volt.
“The infrastructure continued to crumble, but nobody minded; I told the Press Club, ‘There weren’t as many shovel-ready jobs as we thought!’ and everybody laughs and slaps their thighs, like, okay, Barack, no big deal, buddy! Truth is, the stimulus didn’t create any lasting jobs for working Americans– but we kept people thinking it did. This total genius, Ed Pound, over at this joke called the Recovery Accountability and Transparency Board, comes up with the idea of reporting how many jobs we created ‘or saved!’ Brilliant! Of course, we never did say which were which, and you can’t prove a negative, so if I say I’ve created or saved one million jobs, how do you know I didn’t save 999,999 of them, including yours, and maybe just created one? And every summer we trot Biden out to tell everyone its ‘recovery summer!’ and we get Al Gore to say, ‘the stimulus worked!’ Talk about gaseous emissions! Okay, just one time, ABC slipped up and reported that 79 percent of wind-power money got spent in foreign countries–and even Chuck Schumer got pee-ohed. But you know Jewish liberals–they always fall back in line–so to speak–hey, did I do a microaggression there? LOL!
Killing Mubarak, Gadaffi, and–oops–my own ambassador…..
“Meanwhile, in foreign policy, I totally screwed over our allies in Poland and the Czech Republic by cancelling the missile defense programs Bush negotiated. At home, I cut funding for that dopey star wars thing Reagan started to protect us from enemy missiles, and totally humiliated Benjamin Netanyahu, who’s Jewish, by ditching him and his posse in the East Wing when he refused to let me dictate what concessions Israel needed to offer the Palestinians. I sent him out the back door after he waited for me to finish dinner without him, so he had to walk past the trash cans! I sent Winston Churchill’s bust back to the British Imperialists who put my daddy in prison for trying to communize Kenya, and I ordered Hillary to pull the rug out from under Mubarak, that long-time pro-American toady in Egypt. So much for rubber stamping American strategic interests, allowing our warships priority access to the Suez Canal, letting our aircraft use his airspace–and playing Mr. Softy with Israel! Out he went!
“Next I persuade Hillary–who knows as much about foreign policy as she does about housekeeping–to help Mohammed Morsi and his Muslim Brotherhood take over Egypt–and I mean, this guy is a great choice–he thinks Jews evolved from pigs and he’s all about destroying the state of Israel–heck,the whole Muslim Brotherhood is just a wing of Hamas. So he gets in and I send him 400 army tanks and a bunch of those F-whatever-they-call-’em airplanes–because he’s going to need ’em, surrounded by a hostile state like Israel–and the whole thing looks perfect–we had the media in the U.S. calling it “Arab Spring!” So what happens? Some reactionary army general named Sissy–I swear, that’s his name– kicks Morsi out and takes over–and man, I threw a fit about it–I made every kind of threat I could think of–but Sissy was too dumb to feel threatened, I guess.
“Now, in Libya–this Gaddafi guy got bombed by Reagan way back in the day and got cold feet about blowing up Jews and Americans–and next he tells that “W” cracker he’s giving up his nuclear program so we don’t have to worry about him getting A-bombs or funding terrorists…boy, he never saw me coming! We bombed the crap out of him,which was pretty much illegal, but oh well–and when he finally tries to leave town and his own people grab him, strap him to some car and take turns stabbing him and shooting him–and Hillary goes on CBS and tells some brain-dead reporter ‘we came, we saw, he died!’ and she cackles that blood curdling cackle of hers– and I think, good grief, we can’t let people see this, it’s obscene! But you know what? Just more “Arab spring!” Gaddafi was gone, Libya’s economy was ruined, there was no functioning authority, and terrorist factions devoted to killing Jews and Christians were left scrapping over the remains!
“So Hillary’s so messed up she can’t walk straight, literally–and I’m thinkin’ this cows gotta go; but first we get this perfect opportunity to work with brother Morsi in Egypt to accomplish a mutual goal, namely freeing the Blind Sheikh. See, Americans are only interested in the dumb crap you wave right under their noses, so nobody remembers the Blind Sheikh bombed the World Trade Center during Bill Clinton’s administration, and even though the towers didn’t come down,Clinton had to throw the Sheikh in prison– a political prisoner if ever there was one! Naturally this infuriates the ‘Arab Street,’ and it drives my radical professor, lawyer, and ex-weather-underground comrades crazy, too, not to mention Valerie Jarrett! You know Valerie, right, fellas? She’s the Iranian communist Soros appointed as my chief of staff–man, she makes Van Jones look like Barry Goldwater! So all these folks are telling me we oughta do something to free the Blind Sheikh, but I can’t just pardon the guy–people would start to question my motives–and obviously my motives were the most closely guarded secret of my presidency! So what to do?
“Well, Mohammed Morsi over in Cairo–did I tell you he rewrote the entire Egyptian constitution in one night? What a cool dude–anyway, Morsi is also totally committed to the Sheikh–he’s Morsi’s idol–so we come up with this really cool idea: Instead of just letting the guy go,which would baffle the bourgeoisie, what if there was a hostage swap? What if an important member of the American diplomatic corpse was kidnapped overseas by a bunch of Muslims–only these would be good, ordinary Muslims who were really mad because, let’s say, some Christian in America made a movie critical of Mohammad. The Prophet, that is, not Morsi. And what if they demanded the Sheikh be freed from political prison and exchanged for the hostage? Like most great plans, this one was simple–and nearly foolproof. Hillary would strip the consulate in Libya of its normal security and replace it with some local militia guys who weren’t worth bupkis. Pleas to have the security restored and enhanced would be ignored. The patsy we picked to be kidnapped–the unwitting Ambassador–a friend of Hillary’s– would be snatched by overwhelming numbers of heavily armed, highly trained Ansar al-Sharia terrorists posing as disgruntled movie goers, and I would have no choice but to swap out the Blind Sheik for our guy, because my humanitarian concern would be so–you know–so overwhelming and stuff. Besides, the whole mad-about-a-movie angle would make it look like I was negotiating with a group of indignant cinema critics, not terrorists! What could go wrong?
SEALS of disapproval
“I’ll tell you what went wrong–and not for the first time! It was those same same warmonger SEALs I’d tangled with early in ’09 when Somali pirates were holding an American ship captain hostage on a lifeboat. One of our destroyer boats butts in, but I give very clear orders that any idiot could understand: Don’t do anything or intervene in any way unless the pirates are definitely gonna kill the guy, which won’t happen, because they need him–he’s a hostage, right? So the Somalis should have easily gotten the American captain to the African coast and hidden him inland, no problems, everyone fine–but no! The destroyer boat’s captain colludes with those SEAL maniacs to deconstruct my orders and they decide that just because one of the pirates happens to point his gun in the captain’s direction, the guy’s life is threatened–so bangity-bang, they shoot all the Somalis in the head–a disgusting bloodbath–and rescue the hostage, and I have to act as if I like it. As if I thought of it! Man, that had me steaming.
“Okay, back to Benghazi. All I know is third hand, really because I was asleep in bed during the actual incident. Why bother hanging in the Situation Room, when I planned the situation, right? Hillary wasn’t there either–we all wanted to look surprised so we could say we didn’t send any rescue forces because it all happened so fast–which it would have, except for those damn Army SEALS! Valerie’s in the situation room, handling what is supposed to be a perfectly routine seizure of American diplomatic personnel by irate Muslims, and everything’s going well. All of a sudden, a couple of those SEAL crazies decide to disregard all Valerie’s orders to do nothing, and instead they go do something–and the whole thing turns into this huge, all-night-long battle and when it’s all over and I wake up in the morning, we have a dead Ambassador because the Ansar al-Sharia guys lost their temper when those SEAL soldiers started shooting them, and we have no hostage swap, because who wants a dead Ambassador? And we have this other embassy dude dead, plus the two SEAL guys are dead–which serves them right for acting like Clint Eastwayne and disobeying direct orders–like, don’t they teach you to obey orders at SEAL camp?
“This makes the cover up pretty messy. Susan Rice, one of my Administration’s top up-and-coming Maoists, goes on every media outlet available all weekend, sticking to the story that some movie about Muslims is the reason everybody suddenly went nuts in Libya. I go make a speech at the UN and tell the same ridiculous story, and I blame American religious intolerance for the whole fiasco, saying, “a crude and disgusting video sparked outrage throughout the Muslim world.” Ha! Nobody’d ever seen the dumb thing except a dozen people at some backroom showing in L.A., but I stood up there and lied up a storm, and everybody applauded. Even better, I took the opportunity to make a pitch for government control of the Internet so that in the future no more innocent people would get killed by Muslims justifiably upset by unregulated free speech! Never let a crisis go to waste!
“Hillary even told the parents and spouses of the dead Americans that we were going to get that guy who made the video—which came back to bite her after they found out it was total bull. The story didn’t stretch very well to explain a 13 hour battle with massed forces armed with mortars and RPGs during which nobody tried to help. We did throw Nakoula–the guy who made the video–in prison for insulting the Prophet, and he’d still be there if it was up to me. Sadly, the Blind Sheikh remained in prison and died there just a few weeks ago–and even sadder: Morsi’s in prison now too, since that Sissy guy took over Egypt–but Arab Spring was fun while it lasted! I finally ditched Hillary and replaced her with Comrade John Kerry–a diplomat so shrewd, there was already a plaque in his honor in Hanoi!
“Sure, we had a few failures, and I’m big enough to admit it. We had this great website where citizens could go to report any neighbors, relatives, friends, or teachers who were talking trash about my policies—and it contained lots of reassurances for the public, such as, ‘For the record, the President has consistently said that if you like your insurance plan, your doctor, or both, you will be able to keep them.’ Poor, uninformed souls who didn’t believe stuff like that could be reported and receive educational outreach. Ha! Re-educational outreach is more like it. But so many people whined about it, we had to drop the idea. Even some liberals criticized it—like, what kind of liberal is against squelching criticism?
“One huge downer was earlier when Michelle and I flew to Copenhagen where they supposedly loved me because of the whole Nobel Prize thing, and we explained how important it was to me to make Chicago the site of the next Olympics–I gave this great speech mentioning myself 26 times in 44 sentences after which Michelle made an impassioned plea and mentioned herself 44 times in 41 sentences– which I happen to know because that dirpy George Will guy–is he Jewish?–counted them, but the worst part was that even after we gave our time to fly over there and explain everything, that pack of White European ingrates gave the games to Rio–so that made for a long ride home. Even word that the number of Americans on food stamps was increasing by 11,000 a day couldn’t cheer us up, thanks to those racist morons on the Olympic committee!
“We had problems like Fort Hood where that oppressed Muslim officer shot a bunch of military types. I took the occasion to give shout-outs to my friends and staff and got everyone to applaud this Indian in the audience. I said he won the Congressional Medal of Honor, only he wasn’t there–and it turned out I really gave him the Freedom Medal, which is different, evidently, and besides everyone said I should’ve been solemn because Hasan just shot all those soldiers, but hey, nobody likes a Debbie Downer, right? And of course there was that dumb skeet shooting thing when I said I shot skeet ‘all the time’ at Camp David–like what are skeet, exactly? Anyway, we tried to back it up with that unfortunate photo–man, that was a mistake. I don’t even want to talk about that one!
In all fairness…
“We also sent out a bunch of trial balloons about reinstating the Fairness Doctrine, but as usual, the reactionaries pitched a fit. What do people have against fairness? Why should they just get to listen to what they wanna listen to? Hey, before Reagan revoked the Fairness Doctrine we had “Tradio,” which nobody wanted to listen to, music shows, call-in psychics, car and financial advice, plus sports. What else do you need on the radio? All radio hosts were liberal, because that’s what the FCC called mainstream, and you don’t owe anyone equal time if you’re mainstream. Then Reagan ditches the rules and—bang!—you’ve got Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Larry Ingraham, Mark Levi…they’re everywhere! So we tried to get back to where station owners had to put three hours of liberal commentators on if they ran someone like Limbaugh for three hours. Of course,most people don’t like listening to liberals (even liberals!), which is why you can’t find Air America on your dial anymore! So the owners lose money, so they cancel the liberals–which means they also have to get rid of Limbaugh and switch to 24-hours of self-help babble or sportscasting. Sadly, we failed to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, but we’ll rename it eventually and try again!
“We didn’t do any better at getting rid of FOX news, by the way—like when I had them locked out of our press briefings, man, everyone was up in arms. When I sent government employees to sit in their studios and monitor FOX’s broadcasts ‘to assure objectivity,’ they didn’t even care. Clearly, this remains a work in progress.
“Also during my first term, I had to kill Osama Bin Laden–well, not me personally. Right from the start, I refused to approve any strikes on bin Laden. Valerie and me–we were looking for ways around it–but the whole chiefs of whatever those pentagony militarists call themselves, they got to the point where I could see them leaking to the press if I didn’t act on the available info. In my defense, Mr. Nick, sir, I cancelled the darn operation at least three times! But after cancelling mission after mission I started looking like a wimp. Me, a wimp? Heck, I debated Alan Keyes! I tried to cancel the final mission–the fatal one–too, but those joint chief guys and even Panetta and believe it or not even Hillary pretty much bullied me into going ahead. Valerie said we had to give into the jingoists and besides, she said I might even get re-elected if I ‘got’ bin Laden–Americans seem to have an irrational hatred for the guy.
“But those SEALS didn’t just catch him, oh no! They shot him to bits and pieces. I had to say that we buried him at sea to get around showing the body–but I left that Pakistani doctor who ratted on Osama rotting in prison over there, so good luck collecting his twenty-five million! I also violated operational protocols and outed SEAL Team 6 as the trigger happy bunch that did the dirty deed–and as we all know, SEAL Team 6 was mysteriously blown to bits shortly afterwards when they were rushed aboard a big, slow, cargo helicopter and sent without any air cover into a known danger zone full of Taliban who seemed–heh, heh–to have been tipped off. Ka-boom! But I wasn’t finished! I found out they liked to wear those stupid ‘don’t tread on me’ tea=bagger flags on their uniforms–so I banned them! ‘Too radical,’ I told them! Like I said earlier, you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment! Anyway, all in all, comrades, I hope we can agree that killing Osama was a necessary evil.
“To sum up the rest of my first term, comrades, it went pretty smoothly. Eric Holder botched ‘Fast and Furious’ by getting caught, but the mainstream press wouldn’t talk about it, and we succeeded in arming the drug cartels. We overturned Arizona’s effort to pass some fascist law saying that they were going to enforce federal immigration laws even if I didn’t, and when that Jan Brewer hag got all up in my face about it on the runway, the press all said Governor Brewer was horribly disrespectful of me, so how dare she, right? Let’s face it, that kind of disrespect is only okay for Donald Trump! Ha! And when the congress got antsy about all my deficit spending and tried to look responsible—which is a laugh, because they were so scared of me it was amazing—they did that sequestration thing, and all I had to do was shut down tours of the White House and throw a bunch of octogenarian war veterans out of some war memorials and say, see—see what those heartless Republicans did? Worked like a charm.
Close the fire department!
“That’s the first rule of maintaining socialist programs in a free republic, guys—as soon as they try to cut spending, close the fire department. As soon as they want to trim the fat or cut the pork out of some major boondoggle, threaten the oldsters and the vets. Works every time, and the press played it up like it was the GOP’s fault even after my emails colluding with the Department of the Interior to harass the vets got exposed by National Review--whatever that is!
“Unemployment went to new heights, but by assuming anybody who gave up looking for work no longer counted as unemployed, we hid the 11 percent unemployment figure. The media kept the real figures under wraps even when I finished my first term with two million fewer people working than when I took office, but I told the country I’d ‘created or saved’ 4 million jobs…even though that meant I must’ve destroyed six million jobs, but hey, that’s another six million people who need government money to survive—and I call that progressive, comrades!
“A bunch of conservatives like that Allen West guy, who’s Black, if you can believe it, started saying that the Department of Labor’s figures were “ludicrous,” and that capitalist pig Jack Welsh tweeted “..these Chicago guys will do anything–can’t debate so they change numbers,” so I just have my Labor Secretary says she’s “insulted,” and the story turns into this old rich White CEO bullying this poor, hardworking, Latina civil servant who’s also female—ha–this is why you appoint minorities to these positions, comrades! Never mind if they need it or deserve it, the PC political climate we’ve created makes criticizing them political suicide!
My promising career….
“As for promises kept? I did sign an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay’s detention camp–I just never actually closed it! But I freed a lot of the worst terrorists there who returned to the struggle for Islam on battle fronts in the Middle East. I promised to reduce American and Russian nuclear stockpiles, and I reduced ours tremendously while Russia actually increased theirs -but hey, it’s America that needs to come off it’s high horse, and Russia never keeps agreements anyhow. That’s when I got caught on a live mic begging Medvedev to tell Putin I could disarm faster after I got re-elected, which would’ve ended any Republican’s career, but nope—our media comrades buried it totally. I claimed I’d ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but the terrorists nearly took back Iraq, and we’re still in Afghanistan, and I created a new war in Syria and fought an unconstitutional air war in Libya allowing terrorist factions to seize power.
To infinity, and–never mind!
“I promised to make NASA ‘a robust program of space exploration and scientific discovery.’ Told everyone we’d return to the moon and land on ‘other distant destinations, including Mars.’ But that was all baloney. Thing is, even liberals like space stuff, so that was a crowd pleaser. In reality, I cut NASA’s budget, our Astronauts had to ride Russian rockets to reach orbit, and I re-tasked NASA with Muslim outreach, telling the new Director I wanted him to ‘reach out to the Muslim world and engage …with dominantly [sic] Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering.’ I had NASA focus on promoting global warming, too, until those 49 former NASA scientists and astronauts came out in 2012 and called it all nonsense. I can’t control everyone. Astronauts are almost as bad as SEALS, and it took a lot of effort to keep the story our of the mainstream!
And for my next trick…
“To cap off my first term, I politicized the IRS into a wing of the DNC, denying tax-free status to any Tea Party applicants. I laid our borders wide open to absolutely anybody who felt like coming into the country, ignored my constitutional obligation to deport illegal immigrants already in the United states, changed the rules of Obamacare without approval from congress whenever it seemed convenient, used the EPA to conduct a war against the coal industry, ordered intelligence reports altered to make my ‘war on terror’ look successful, and made the growth of ISIL possible by withdrawing from Iraq prematurely.
“My greatest achievement of course, was socializing American Medicine over the protests of a majority of Americans by ‘deeming’ Obamacare to have passed, after illegally conniving with House and Senate leaders to offer sweetheart deals to Democrat politicians so they’d pretend to like it! Reducing the best medical care system anywhere in the world to something resembling the DMV, only run by the IRS, was quite a feat. And they’ll never be able to get rid of it–NEVER! The media won’t let ’em and the GOP doesn’t have the guts! And as icing on the cake, we spent 600 million on a website teenagers could have designed for peanuts, and found out it didn’t work. So we spent $2.1 billion repairing it. Look, free health care doesn’t come cheap!
“I illegally nationalized the American auto industry and illegally reorganized it to enrich union leaders while shafting shareholders; I illegally targeted conservatives with the IRS, BATF and OSHA, militarized the Department of the Interior to threaten ranchers, forcibly federalized local police departments by concocting claims of racism; promoted voter fraud by using the Justice Department to prevent states from issuing or requiring voter IDs, ignored a court order to lift my illegal ban on deep water drilling in the Gulf, used the resources of the Department of Justice to ramp up public opinion against George Zimmerman, illegally swapped three top ranking terrorists for that deserter guy Bergdahl– with the same name as my dog– who defected to Al Qaida but got homesick; and I established an illegal ‘phone tax’ through the FCC so ‘every school child in America could have Internet service’—which never happened, but the tax is still there. I also got caught altering press conference tapes to remove embarrassing moments, and conspired to remove evidence of radical Islamic connections from criminal events like the Orlando shootings, which I preferred to blame on a homophobic NRA.
“And did I mention Common Core? Our bogus educational initiative actually turned what was left of America’s elementary schools into Marxist/Islamic indoctrination centers! Yep—all in all it was a good first term. And I was only getting started, comrades! There was plenty more to come!”
[Well, Mr. President, what do you think so far? Obviously your achievements on behalf of the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy (as we here at WOOF like to call it) are far too extensive to be summed up in just one installment. So PLEASE don’t go jetting off to Havana until you have the complete set, all right? Fidel isn’t going anywhere, and Old Scratch is infamously patient–so bear with us while we prepare the second installment of your career in review! As you know, it tops even your first four years of unparalleled vision and lengthy vacations, so stay tuned. And meanwhile, rehearse your delivery on this first chapter! We want it just right for the big moment! Remember–no sing-song!]