WOOF! Watchdogs of Our Freedom

“The Devil and Barack Obama” (Part One: The Early Years)

In "Unfinished Waffles" forum on March 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm

d-and-o

Dear Mr. Obama:

Did you ever see the movie Big Jim McLain? We’re guessing probably not—for one thing, it stars John Wayne, and we don’t see you as a John Wayne guy, besides which it opens with a salute to the hard-working members of the House Un-American Activities Committee. We’re guessing you’d rather appear in an NRA commercial than display a scintilla of sympathy for an anticommunist bunch like HUAC.  But that’s not important now. What’s important is Daniel Webster.

The Webster Paradigm

We’ve seen media reports that you’re quite the scholar, Mr. Obama, so we needn’t remind you that Daniel Webster was the American statesman who twice served in the House of Representatives (for New Hampshire and Massachusetts) and then in the Senate (for Massachusetts) between and 1813 and 1827. No, not the guy who wrote the dictionary. That was Noah. No, not the Noah who built the ark—but anyway—the reason we thought of Daniel Webster as we began this effort to help you compose a true accounting of your presidency is because in Big Jim McLain there’s this spooky scene where you see Webster’s gravesite on a lightning-riven night, and the narrator intones these lines from Stephen Vincent Benet:

Webster’s grave as depicted in “Big Jim McLain.”

“Yes, Dan’l Webster’s dead—or, at least, they buried him. But every time there’s a thunderstorm around Marshfield, they say you can hear his rolling voice in the hollows of the sky. And they say that if you go to his grave and speak loud and clear, “Dan’l Webster—Dan’l Webster!” the ground’ll begin to shiver and the trees begin to shake. And after a while you’ll hear a deep voice saying, “Neighbor, how stands the Union?” Then you better answer the Union stands as she stood, rock-bottomed and copper-sheathed, one and indivisible, or he’s liable to rear right out of the ground.”

Please don’t misinterpret that as a threat, sir. True, you wouldn’t pass muster, but we understand your public persona demands pretensions to patriotism, even as you chirpily dissemble your record in that sing-song manner to which we’ve all grown achingly accustomed. You did a good job of this last January on the occasion of your most recent farewell address. Presidents traditionally use such events to voice concerns and hopes for the Nation’s future, but somewhat unsurprisingly, you used the occasion to review what you perceived to be your greatest moments in office.  As journalist Caroline Baum remarked, “Why wait for others to assess your legacy when you can do it yourself?” But even the perspicacious Baum failed to note the dichotomy between the legacy you described, and your actual accomplishments—or between what Comrade Lenin called truth and objective truth.

The long farewell– from a man who says he’s not going anywhere! 

We understand how frustrating it must be to continuously burble misleading flummeries while no proper recognition can be given your genuine achievements as an agent of the Islamo-Fascist Left. Like Dostoyevsky’s Raskolnikov, you must find the thrill of getting away with the perfect crime dampened by the realization that nobody appreciates your brilliance. So in what follows, we at WOOF offer you an opportunity to give a complete accounting of the blows you rained upon the Republic, offered  mainly for the edification of a demonic dyad (see below) uniquely positioned to assess the impact of those blows, as well as to applaud those manifold  instances in which your famously incomputable intellect sufficed to keep you several steps ahead of the  clueless bourgeoisie.

Franklin’s arithmetic:

Ben Franklin wrote that ““Three May Keep a Secret if Two are Dead,” and that’s exactly what occurred to us while pondering how best to help you catalog your rascality without risking discovery by the masses. Our plan works a lot like Binet’s–only without Daniel Webster, of course–he being an old, dead White guy who’d throttle you on sight.  No, for Binet’s framework to fit our purpose, an antithetic approach was required entailing a very different historical icon–one occupying a very different gravesite. An iconic figure sympatico with your unwaivering revolutionary convictions. We refer here, of course, to Fidel Castro.

_____________________________________________

The Devil and Fidel Castro

fconeYou will doubtless have occasion in the not too distant future to revisit the imprisoned island of Cuba, upon which you recently lavished so much favor, even as you conveyed to its tyrannical leadership so many overt and implicit apologies for the sins of your predecessors. Once arrived and sumptuously quartered in environs palatial enough to gobsmack the average Cuban, you will want to seek out the resting place of Fidel Castro. As you know, his ashes are interred inside a big concrete blob at Santiago’s Santa Iphigenia Cemetery. It’s supposed to be a kernel of corn, but it looks more like the Rubbles’ house in Bedrock. Anyway, the point is, you will want to make a pilgrimage there the better to reenact the Big Jim McLain scene, mutatis mutandis.  We suggest you cry out,  “Primer Ministro Presidente, Comandante Fidel!” And imagine your thrill when he thunders back, “Comrade, how goes the struggle for el socialismo?”

El Comandante’s tomb is supposed to be a kernel of corn. Presumably the designer was shot.

(Except he will probably add remarks amounting to three or four additional hours of your time, in that inimitably loquacious way of his.  So bring a book. After all, Fidel’s penchant for giving five-hour speeches to audiences forbidden to leave their seats on pain of death or imprisonment, makes him the only world leader to have used–and on myriad occasions–even more personal pronouns per speech than yourself.  But then again, because Fidel gave such long speeches, he had more opportunities to praise himself than you had in your (comparatively) brief addresses. Judging the matter on an hourly rather than a per-speech basis, you’d win hands down. Take your speech in Austin back in 2014. You spoke for only 40 minutes, but managed to employ the pronouns “me,” “my,” and “I” one-hundred and ninety-nine times. Did you know, the entire Gettysburg Address only lasted about three minutes?  It contains a measly 272 words– and Lincoln didn’t use a single personal pronoun in the whole speech. What a wallflower!

Print this article!

No place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel's tomb!

No place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s tomb!

So, when Fidel finally finishes you must grab the opportunity to say something like:  ”The struggle for socialism, unh, goes pretty well, and, unh, I really stuck it to the unh, Yanquis who are so stupido they –-hah–elected me for two, unh, consecutive terms, and unh…” And…see the problem? Here’s where WOOF can really help out, because, that’s right: There’s no place to plug in a teleprompter at Fidel’s concrete lump, and even if there were, Cuban electrical power is notoriously spotty—did you remember to apologize for that? Anyway, you know how you get when you try to ad lib! So print these articles out, Mr. President, and bring them with you (if you can even get WOOF articles into Cuba, which come to think of it probably isn’t all that easy, but you’ve got pull.) Stick to our comprehensive script and we bet Fidel will just about jump right out of his cement blob and give you a big comradely smooch.

Iblis, aka Shaitan–the most important audience member!

But don’t draw the line at impressing your hero in the big grey blob…no, he’s just the intermediary–like a medium at a seance–or a big cigar-chomping ouija board. What matters most is to impress the big guy himself–El Diablo. You know: Iblīs— did we get that right?–you know who we’re talking about, and he’ll be listening all right, Mr, President–the third person in Franklin’s trilogy. Okay, he’s not dead like Fidel, but he’s not alive like we mortals–so Franklin’s maxim still applies. The Devil can keep a secret all right! So here’s what to say; stick to the script we’ve provided and you’ll do fine!

———Begin reading your statement HERE, Mr. President: ————

Carl Davidson’s articles appeared in “FORWARD,” a journal named for the classic battle cry of the Marxist Left. By complete coincidence, that was also my campaign slogan in 2012!

“To begin with, right from birth I was the cause of confusion and dissent, only most of it didn’t boil over until I ran for president. See, I was born on August 4th in Mombasa—that’s in Kenya—in 1961, just a year before the Americans blundered into the Bay of Pigs, isn’t that right Comandante? LOL! Anyway, I always told everyone I was born in Kenya; but by the time I was running for senate, comrades like Bill Ayers, Bernardine Dohrn, and Carl Davidson— started to worry abut that.  I know the Comandante knows Carl, because he personally contacted him and told him America was ready for revolution, remember? Anyway, as soon as my fellow radicals,  ex-weather underground mentors and a few of my favorite CPUSA-type professors came up with the idea of my national political career, they pointed out I had to be born in America—just in case I ever tried running for president. Those were some smart folks, guys—I mean—Fidel and—Mr. Devil, sir, or…can I call you Iblis? Maybe just Old Nick!

Bill and Bernardine: My staunch supporters, advisors, and political advocates in Chicago, pictured here in more carefree times.

Multiple births, multiple mysteries:

“After all the advice I got, I realized I was probably born in Honolulu, Hawaii, (coincidentally, on the same day that I was born in Mombasa) so Hawaii became my updated birthplace, even though I seem to have registered as a foreign student in college. And there were all those brochures left around from 1995 publicizing my forthcoming book, Journeys in Black and White–which never actually forthcame, heh, heh,  saying  I ‘was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.’  In fact, my Kenyan birth was still going strong as recently as 2007 as publicity for my next book–which actually did get written.  I liked the Kenyan version because being a real African always impresses “African Americans” cuz, let’s face it, the majority of ’em couldn’t find Africa on a map–and real Africans always leave white liberal academicians gasping in awe, so the Kenyan angle worked great. To tell you the truth, near as I’m able, I’m not exactly sure where I was born anymore–I was pretty young at the time. But  I think we can agree that confusion is a mighty weapon we wield against the forces of capitalism, reaction, and  all those backward hayseed southern fundamentalist churches that won’t support partial-birth abortion or transgender bathroom rights…you know, like the Catholics.

“But honestly, fellas, the truth is, Hillary really did start the whole “birther” thing back in ’08, like Trump said, only I’d never tell anybody else that. For starters, she sees all these memos and oppo-research findings about my total disconnect from anything authentically American–a fact I take great pride in, by the way–but politically not so good! Next, in unmistakable Clinton style– the emails get ‘leaked’ saying I’m Kenyan–or Jakartan, or Indonesian–and when everybody runs back to Hillary and asks her ‘Why are you sayin’ all this horrible stuff about Barack?’ (Because by then, remember, the media were trampling her in a mad rush over to my side), so she just pulls that bug-eyed face of hers where she looks like she’s never ever been so shocked in her life, you know–eye balls popping out of her head–and –classic Clinton–she turns around and fires the loyal staffers she had leaking this stuff, and tells the press, ‘oh–we traced those memos to a few renegade staffers but I got rid of them.’

“I mean those Clintons, you gotta admire their style– their knack for looking self righteous while they pump out whatever garbage they just made up– I have to say, I’m a big fan.  I’ve certainly tried doing it like that, but when I go for indignation I just come off snotty, so mostly I try to act suave and highbrow, but that bores people after a while, except Charlie Rose. I think I’m going more urban Black from here on out, droppin’ muh final G’s, an’ soundin’ like ah’m from the Chicago hood ‘stead of Indonesia by way of Hawaii. And just between us comrades, thousands of my admirers will totally buy the idea that I’m all of a sudden talking like Charlie Rangel or somebody, because, let’s face it, they’re morons–but I say, praise Allah for making so gosh darn many of ’em! Can I get an amen?

The road to the Whitehouse…

Me and George.

“Okay, some funny things happened on my way to the Oval Office–at first, of course, I didn’t think I could win. Like everybody, I figured Hillary was a shoe in, so  I just wanted to get my face out there.  I never doubted I could beat John McCain–that guy has the electability of a brain damaged tuber–plus, I swear he was rooting for Hillary–but  everything changed when the mainstream media just all of a sudden seemed to decide I was the guy. Like somebody pulled a switch. Okay, let’s face it, somebody did–so let’s give kudos to George Soros here, before I go any farther.  Me and George go back to 2004 when he threw me a fundraiser at his New York mansion. Up until then, there wasn’t any real money behind me because most of my supporters were communists or former Weather Underground terrorists– and the only work those people can get with that kind of background is pretty much limited to tenured positions at major universities. But Soros smeared my opponent and got me elected in Illinois, after which I served about 700 days, and ran for President!

Wright and Wrong

“Don’t turn your back on Islamic tradition–I’m still in the Bible!”

“So the next big deal was my history at Jeremiah Wright’s church, which we thought might end my chances, because there’s tons of video tape of him saying stuff like ‘God damn America’ and ranting about the Jews, and White people, except that none of the mainstream networks played those parts. So, I just claimed I sat in his church for 20 years, and never heard a word, which was obviously ridiculous—especially with him being my kids’ Godfather and one of my books being dedicated to him and quoting him about “the white man’s greed”and stuff–but the liberal media held solid and covered it up.  In retrospect, we totally overestimated the damage Wright could do me—first because voters just dopily accepted the idea that I sat nodding like a bobble doll in his church for 20 years and never heard a word he said, but also when stuff came out about how he’d mentored me and counseled me politically the whole time, we just called it right-wing nonsense. When it came out he taught Liberation Theology, which is really Marxism, as you fellas well know, the press didn’t go near it. And when that jackass Ed Klein came out with his interview asking Wright if he converted me form Islam to Christianity, Wright tells Klein, “I don’t know about that… I can tell you I made it easy for him to come to an understanding of who Jesus Christ is and not feel that he was turning his back on…his Islamic traditions and his understanding of Islam,” —that could’ve blown me out of the water. But none of our media comrades touched it—even though a few of them—cuz they’re mostly dumber than bricks–but a few of them must know that Jesus is in the Quran—he just isn’t a very big deal.

“But then Jeremiah goes totally nuts and gives a speech to the National Press Club. I was still pretty new at the game, so I had the Secret Service sneak me in to try talking him out of the speech—we even secretly tried bribing him to the tune of 150,000 dollars to shut up—but he goes ahead and gives the speech—and what were we even worried about? It was like it never happened. You know what the press talked about? McCain’s imaginary mistress!

“And the same thing happened with Bill Ayers—who bombed the Pentagon and married Bernadine Dorne—who also bombed the capital and the Pentagon—and here they paved the way for me into Chicago politics, helped mentor me, gave me my big political send-off at their suburban home, and Bill even wrote most of my book for me—the first one, the literate one—and he even gets me on the same board of directors as him for three years—and and guess what? Steffy—you know—Comrade Stephanopoulos over at ABC who reminded me I wasn’t  Muslim when I goofed and said I was? Well, he asks me, do you know this dude? And I say, ”This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood’ and that’s all there was to it—the only people who gave a damn after that were on FOX News, which we have yet to destroy, comrades.

Gosh, it’s Reverend Wright, Bill Ayers (that guy down the street) and Bernardine Dohrn. They must be Christians too, LOL!

Arugula, and other discontents….

Comrade Frank Davis: Communist activist, the father I didn’t have to dream about.

“Same deal with the books. Lotsa people bought ’em, but I guess nobody ever read ’em, because they were full of praise for Marxists, radicals, and anti-semites, plus my childhood spent imbibing the wisdom of arch communist activist Frank Marshall Davis, when I wasn’t studying Islam.  And all my bloopers, heck, they ignored those too. During the campaign when I told reporters I’d been to 57 states and had one to go, SNOPES actually claimed I made sense! I told a national audience my maternal granny didn’t trust Blacks cuz she was ‘a typical White person….’ after which I got caught on a live mic describing people in the Midwest as “bitterly clinging to their guns and their religion.” Ha, but even that didn’t go much farther than the right-wing blogs and radio shows. I  said Hillary’s primary win in Kentucky was because she was better known, being from the neighboring state of Arkansas–then I found out Kentucky is actually next door to my home state. Illinois, that is–not Hawaii, which is in Asia—but aren’t all those southern states supposed to be down south? And then there was the whistle stop where I asked the crowd,  “Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and seen what they charge for arugula?” Turns out nobody had. Boy, I had to drop a lot of final “g’s” to make up for that one!

And whenever someone to the right of Che Guevara needs to be smeared, you can ALWAYS count on good old Jan Wenner and  Rolling Stone!

“And of course I told Joe the Plumber he’d be better off if we spread his wealth around, which is crazy, cuz once we redistribute income, Joe’ll be plumbing for the socialist collective for peanuts, but again, it was sloughed off by everyone except that whole Hannity, Limbaugh, O’Reilly bunch—and our people dug into that plumber guy and nearly demolished him with smears and negative press. Chicago rules, right? If you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment!  But anyway, I get the nomination, mainly because the press all switched to me from Clinton with two snaps of the fingers–first Soros’s, and second, Zbigniew Brzezinski’s over at the Trilateral Commission–and those folks are some dedicated idealists! 

As the tide recedes….

“Bailey”

“I get elected, which surprises absolutely nobody by then, least of all that zombie McCain– and I’m on the cover of every magazine on every news stand, and supermarkets are selling me on t-shirts and commemorative plates with my big grinning face on them, Pepsi changes its logo to look like mine, and school kids are singing about me the way they used to sing about Papa Doc Duvalier in where was that– Guatamala? And I give that speech with the Greek columns and the reverb thing on my voice, and I tell everybody ‘this was the moment the sick got cared for, the moment there were good jobs for the jobless—the moment the rise of the oceans began to slow and the planet started healing’—can you believe that schlock? But everybody practically swooned. It’s just like P.T. Bailey used to say, there’s an idiot born every second! And to cap it off, the next thing I know I win the Nobel Prize—for what? Even I couldn’t figure it out! I don’t think those old farts in Stockholm knew why either–but like that skinny girl with the big breasts said in that video that went viral–they all had a crush on Obama!

Reverb on the microphone and Greek columns–because good taste is timeless!

The trillion dollar misunderstanding….

“I pledged to balance the budget in my first year in office. Seriously? I actually hiked the national debt by 6 trillion and managed to take an economy weakened by the housing collapse and the bank crisis, and drive further into recession and debt by ramming through my trillion-dollar ‘stimulus’ program. I called it the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, but there wasn’t any recovery because instead of reinvestment, we did redistribution, mainly of the middle class’s tax dollars into all kinds of worthy projects such as stimulating the economies of Finland,  Indonesia, India, Mexico, China, the Dominican Republic, Thailand, Vietnam, Italy, Russia, Luxembourg, El Salvador, Spain, and France.  I told reporters ‘the stimulus won’t cost taxpayers a dime,’ and did they investigate that? Of course not! They just ‘reported’ it! Not that we neglected the domestic side. We gave billions to supporters like Elon Musk, NRG Solar, Siga Technologies, and so on. You know how to borrow a whole bunch of campaign money and get tons of free, influential support? One word: Solyndra! They donated massively to my ’08 campaign, lobbied for me like crazy–heck, their top executives met with me regularly at the White House even after I got elected. They bet a load of money on me, so no wonder I ‘stimulated’ them in return with $535 million. Once they got it, they folded, of course–how’re you gonna sell  hundreds of defective solar panels?  Earlier, I told everyone Solyndra was going to mean 4,000 new jobs, so the New York Times said I failed “to properly evaluate the company’s business proposals.” And they say the press is never critical of me!

Me, balancing the budget, LOL!

Save the marsh mice! (Screw the eagles!)

Eagles…who needs ’em?

“I told everyone the money was ‘going to help those hardest hit by the economic crisis,’ and those Ferbies on the networks just repeated that guff, along with all that ‘shovel-ready jobs’ manure.  Meanwhile we built a high-speed rail system in California that connects nowhere with nothing for a mere $4.3 billion; we handed $128 million to backers who constructed a bridge between Palm City and Stuart, Florida, right next to the bridge that already does that.  We gave an Indiana company $118.5 million to pioneer new vistas in electric-car battery technology, only they filed for bankruptcy instead. The Canandaigua Wind Farm did just fine after receiving $61.8 million to build turbines and towers—probably because it was doing just fine already, having built all those things a year earlier.Meanwhile I got the EPA to okay windmills killing hundreds of American eagles, just as long as they died green, but we spent $16.1 million to save the San Francisco Bay area habitat of the Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse–and, (and this is my personal favorite)–we  forked over half a million dollars of taxpayer funds to support the creation of Yoga classes in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Say, maybe Hillary will relocate! So next I nationalize a few banks and take over GM and Chrysler, ban the word “Chevy” and build the Volt.

“The infrastructure continued to crumble, but nobody minded; I told the Press Club, ‘There weren’t as many shovel-ready jobs as we thought!’ and everybody laughs and slaps their thighs, like, okay, Barack, no big deal, buddy! Truth is, the stimulus didn’t create any lasting jobs for working Americans– but we kept people thinking it did. This total genius, Ed Pound, over at this joke called the Recovery Accountability and Transparency Board, comes up with the idea of reporting how many jobs we created  ‘or saved!’ Brilliant! Of course, we never did say which were which, and you can’t prove a negative, so if I say I’ve created or saved one million jobs, how do you know I didn’t save 999,999 of them, including yours, and maybe just created one?  And every summer we trot Biden out to tell everyone its ‘recovery summer!’ and we get Al Gore to say, ‘the stimulus worked!’ Talk about gaseous emissions! Okay, just one time, ABC slipped up and reported that 79 percent of wind-power money got spent in foreign countries–and even Chuck Schumer got pee-ohed. But you know Jewish liberals–they always fall back in line–so to speak–hey, did I do a microaggression there? LOL!

The best of everything!

Killing Mubarak, Gadaffi, and–oops–my own ambassador…..

Me and Mubarak–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, suckah!

“Meanwhile, in foreign policy, I totally screwed over our allies in Poland and the Czech Republic by cancelling the missile defense programs Bush negotiated. At home, I cut funding for that dopey star wars thing Reagan started to protect us from enemy missiles, and totally humiliated Benjamin Netanyahu, who’s Jewish, by ditching him and his posse in the East Wing when he refused to let me dictate what concessions Israel needed to offer the Palestinians. I sent him out the back door after he waited for me to finish dinner without him, so he had to walk past the trash cans! I sent Winston Churchill’s bust back to the British Imperialists who put my daddy in prison for trying to communize Kenya, and I ordered Hillary to pull the rug out from under Mubarak, that long-time pro-American toady in Egypt. So much for rubber stamping American strategic interests, allowing our  warships priority access to the Suez Canal, letting our aircraft use his airspace–and playing Mr. Softy with Israel! Out he went!

Me and Gadaffi–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, suckah!

“Next I persuade Hillary–who knows as much about foreign policy as she does about housekeeping–to help Mohammed Morsi and his Muslim Brotherhood take over Egypt–and I mean, this guy is a great choice–he thinks Jews evolved from pigs and he’s all about destroying the state of Israel–heck,the whole Muslim Brotherhood is just a wing of Hamas. So  he gets in and I send him 400 army tanks and a bunch of those F-whatever-they-call-’em airplanes–because he’s going to need ’em,  surrounded by a hostile state like Israel–and the whole thing looks perfect–we had the media in the U.S. calling it “Arab Spring!” So what happens? Some reactionary army general named Sissy–I swear, that’s his name– kicks Morsi out and takes over–and man, I threw a fit about it–I made every kind of threat I could think of–but Sissy was too dumb to feel threatened, I guess.

Gadaffi–last day on the job.

“Now, in Libya–this Gaddafi guy got bombed by Reagan way back in the day and got cold feet about blowing up Jews and Americans–and next he tells that “W” cracker he’s giving up his nuclear program so we don’t have to worry about him getting A-bombs or funding terrorists…boy, he never saw me coming! We bombed the crap out of him,which was pretty much illegal, but oh well–and when he finally tries to leave town and his own people grab him, strap him to some car and take turns stabbing him and shooting him–and Hillary goes on CBS and tells some brain-dead reporter ‘we came, we saw, he died!’ and she cackles that blood curdling cackle of hers– and I think, good grief, we can’t let people see this, it’s obscene! But you know what? Just more “Arab spring!”  Gaddafi was gone, Libya’s economy was ruined, there was no functioning authority, and terrorist factions devoted to killing Jews and Christians were left scrapping over the remains!

So then Hillary goes on CBS and brays like a jackass about it–really! How’d she ever think she could get elected dogcatcher?

How red was my Valerie!

“So Hillary’s so messed up she can’t walk straight, literally–and I’m thinkin’ this cows gotta go; but first we get this perfect opportunity to work with brother Morsi in Egypt to accomplish a mutual goal, namely freeing the Blind Sheikh. See, Americans are only interested in the dumb crap you wave right under their noses, so nobody remembers the Blind Sheikh bombed the World Trade Center during Bill Clinton’s administration, and even though the towers didn’t come down,Clinton had to throw the Sheikh in prison– a political prisoner if ever there was one! Naturally this infuriates the ‘Arab Street,’ and it drives my radical professor, lawyer, and ex-weather-underground comrades crazy, too, not to mention Valerie Jarrett! You know Valerie, right, fellas? She’s the Iranian communist Soros appointed as my chief of staff–man, she makes Van Jones look like Barry Goldwater! So all these folks are telling me we oughta do something to free the Blind Sheikh, but I can’t just pardon the guy–people would start to question my motives–and obviously my motives were the most closely guarded secret of my presidency! So what to do?

Sadly, the Sheikh, Omar Abdel-Rahman, died in prison–but we did our best!

“Well, Mohammed Morsi over in Cairo–did I tell you he rewrote the entire Egyptian constitution in one night? What a cool dude–anyway, Morsi is also totally committed to the Sheikh–he’s Morsi’s idol–so we come up with this really cool idea: Instead of just letting the guy go,which would  baffle the bourgeoisie, what if there was a hostage swap? What if an important member of the American diplomatic corpse was kidnapped overseas by a bunch of Muslims–only these would be good, ordinary Muslims who were really mad because, let’s say, some Christian in America made a movie critical of Mohammad. The Prophet, that is, not Morsi. And what if they demanded the Sheikh be freed from political prison and exchanged for the hostage? Like most great plans, this one was simple–and nearly foolproof.  Hillary would strip the consulate in Libya of its normal security and replace it with some local militia guys who weren’t worth bupkis.  Pleas to have the security restored and enhanced would be ignored. The patsy we picked to be kidnapped–the unwitting Ambassador–a friend of Hillary’s– would be snatched by overwhelming numbers of heavily armed, highly trained Ansar al-Sharia terrorists posing as disgruntled movie goers, and I would have no choice but to swap out the Blind Sheik for our guy, because my humanitarian concern would be so–you know–so overwhelming and stuff. Besides, the whole mad-about-a-movie angle would make it look like I was negotiating with a group of indignant cinema critics, not terrorists! What could go wrong?

SEALS of disapproval

Shoot, shoot, shoot!–and what could have been resolved quietly over the course of a few years becomes a case of mindless butchery at sea! I ask you, who were the real pirates in this scenario?

“I’ll tell you what went wrong–and not for the first time! It was those same same warmonger SEALs I’d tangled with early in ’09 when Somali pirates were holding an American ship captain hostage on a lifeboat.  One of our destroyer boats butts in, but I give very clear orders that any idiot could understand: Don’t do anything or intervene in any way unless the pirates are definitely gonna kill the guy, which won’t happen, because they need him–he’s a hostage, right? So the Somalis should have easily gotten the American captain to the African coast and hidden him inland, no problems, everyone fine–but no! The destroyer boat’s captain colludes with those SEAL maniacs to deconstruct my orders and they decide that just because one of the pirates happens to point his gun in the captain’s direction, the guy’s life is threatened–so bangity-bang, they shoot all the Somalis in the head–a disgusting bloodbath–and rescue the hostage, and I have to act as if I like it. As if I thought of it! Man, that had me steaming.

stevens

Ambassador Stevens, last day on the job.

“Okay, back to Benghazi. All I know is third hand, really because I was asleep in bed during the actual incident. Why bother hanging in the Situation Room, when I planned the situation, right? Hillary wasn’t there either–we all wanted to look surprised so we could say we didn’t send any rescue forces because it all happened so fast–which it would have, except for those damn Army SEALS!  Valerie’s in the situation room, handling what is supposed to be a perfectly routine seizure of American diplomatic personnel by irate Muslims, and everything’s going well. All of a sudden, a couple of those SEAL crazies decide to disregard all Valerie’s orders to do nothing, and instead they go do something–and the whole thing turns into this huge, all-night-long battle and when it’s all over and I wake up in the morning, we have a dead Ambassador because the Ansar al-Sharia guys lost their temper when those SEAL soldiers started shooting them, and we have no hostage swap, because who wants a dead Ambassador? And we have this other embassy dude dead, plus the two SEAL guys are dead–which serves them right for acting like Clint Eastwayne and disobeying direct orders–like, don’t they teach you to obey orders at SEAL camp?

So tell me, if the Left owns Hollywood, how on earth does a disaster like this movie manage to escape? Curse you Michael Bay–you can bet you’re getting audited!

“This makes the cover up pretty messy. Susan Rice, one of my Administration’s top up-and-coming Maoists, goes on every media outlet available all weekend, sticking to the story that some movie about Muslims is the reason everybody suddenly went nuts in Libya. I go make a speech at the UN and tell the same ridiculous story, and I blame American religious intolerance for the whole fiasco, saying, “a crude and disgusting video sparked outrage throughout the Muslim world.” Ha! Nobody’d ever seen the dumb thing except  a dozen people at some backroom showing in L.A., but I stood up there and lied up a storm, and everybody applauded. Even better, I took the opportunity to make a pitch for government control of the Internet so that in the future no more innocent people would get killed by Muslims justifiably upset by unregulated free speech! Never let a crisis go to waste!

Thank goodness for comrades like Samantha Power. When Susan Rice got in trouble for lying about Benghazi, Samantha, my favorite Jane Fonda admirer, took her place at the UN.  

“Hillary even told the parents and spouses of the dead Americans that we were going to get that guy who made the video—which came back to bite her after they found out it was total bull. The story didn’t stretch very well to explain a 13 hour battle with massed forces armed with mortars and RPGs during which nobody tried to help. We did throw Nakoula–the guy who made the video–in prison for insulting the Prophet, and he’d still be there if it was up to me. Sadly, the Blind Sheikh remained in prison and died there just a few weeks ago–and even sadder: Morsi’s in prison now too, since that Sissy guy took over Egypt–but Arab Spring was fun while it lasted! I finally ditched Hillary and replaced her with Comrade John Kerry–a diplomat so shrewd, there was already a plaque in his honor in Hanoi!

Incomplete successes….

“Sure, we had a few failures, and I’m big enough to admit it. We had this great website where citizens could go to report any neighbors, relatives, friends, or teachers who were talking trash about my policies—and it contained lots of reassurances for the public, such as, ‘For the record, the President has consistently said that if you like your insurance plan, your doctor, or both, you will be able to keep them.’ Poor, uninformed souls who didn’t believe stuff like that could be reported and receive educational outreach. Ha! Re-educational outreach is more like it. But so many people whined about it, we had to drop the idea. Even some liberals criticized it—like, what kind of liberal is against squelching criticism?

It’s not as though “re-education” is anything new. Pol Pot pretty much perfected it in the ’70s!

Pearls before swine in Copenhagen!

“One huge downer was earlier when Michelle and I flew to Copenhagen where they supposedly loved me because of the whole Nobel Prize thing, and we explained how important it was to me to make Chicago the site of the next Olympics–I gave this great speech mentioning myself 26 times in 44 sentences after which Michelle made an impassioned plea and mentioned  herself 44 times in 41 sentences– which I happen to know because that dirpy George Will guy–is he Jewish?–counted them, but the worst part was that even after we gave our time to fly over there and explain everything, that pack of White European ingrates gave the games to Rio–so that made for a long ride home. Even word that the number of Americans on food stamps was increasing by 11,000  a day  couldn’t cheer us up, thanks to those racist morons on the Olympic committee!

So it turns out I gave Chief Medicine Crow the Freedom Medal, which is different from the Congressional one somehow or other–and on top of that, the stupid Indian wasn’t even there!

“We had problems like Fort Hood where that oppressed Muslim officer shot a bunch of military types. I took the occasion to give shout-outs to my friends and staff and got everyone to applaud this Indian in the audience. I said he won the Congressional Medal of Honor, only he wasn’t there–and it turned out I really gave him the Freedom Medal, which is different, evidently, and besides everyone said I should’ve been solemn because Hasan just shot all those soldiers, but hey, nobody likes a Debbie Downer, right? And of course there was that dumb skeet shooting thing when I said I shot skeet ‘all the time’ at Camp David–like what are skeet, exactly? Anyway, we tried to back it up with that unfortunate photo–man, that was a mistake.  I don’t even want to talk about that one!

Despite firm White House warnings that nobody was allowed to photoshop my skeet-shooting photo, some jerks remained insufficiently intimidated!

Who needs political radio anyway? Radio used to be plenty entertaining without all that right-wing talk!

In all fairness…

“We also sent out a bunch of trial balloons about reinstating the Fairness Doctrine, but as usual, the reactionaries pitched a fit.  What do people have against fairness? Why should they just get to listen to what they wanna listen to?  Hey, before Reagan revoked the Fairness Doctrine we had “Tradio,” which nobody wanted to listen to, music shows, call-in psychics, car and financial advice, plus sports. What else do you need on the radio? All radio hosts were liberal, because that’s what the FCC called mainstream, and you don’t owe anyone equal time if you’re mainstream. Then Reagan ditches the rules and—bang!—you’ve got  Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Larry Ingraham, Mark Levi…they’re everywhere! So we tried to get back to where station owners had to put three hours of liberal commentators on if they ran someone like Limbaugh for three hours. Of course,most people don’t like listening to liberals (even liberals!), which is why you can’t find Air America on your dial anymore! So the owners lose money, so they cancel the liberals–which means they also have to get rid of Limbaugh and switch to 24-hours of self-help babble or sportscasting. Sadly, we failed to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, but we’ll rename it eventually and try again!

“We didn’t do any better at getting rid of FOX news, by the way—like when I had them locked out of our press briefings, man, everyone was up in arms. When I sent government employees to sit in their studios and monitor FOX’s broadcasts ‘to assure objectivity,’ they didn’t even care. Clearly, this remains a work in progress.

Killing Osama

“Also during my first term, I had to kill Osama Bin Laden–well, not me personally. Right from the start, I refused to approve any strikes on bin Laden.  Valerie and me–we were looking for ways around it–but the whole chiefs of whatever those pentagony militarists call themselves, they got to the point where I could see them leaking to the press if I didn’t act on the available info. In my defense, Mr. Nick, sir, I cancelled the darn operation at least three times! But after cancelling mission after mission I started looking like a wimp. Me, a wimp? Heck, I debated Alan Keyes! I tried to cancel the final mission–the fatal one–too, but those joint chief guys and even Panetta and believe it or not even Hillary pretty much bullied me into going ahead. Valerie said we had to give into the jingoists and besides, she said I might even get re-elected if I ‘got’ bin Laden–Americans seem to have an irrational hatred for the guy.

“But those SEALS didn’t just catch him, oh no! They shot him to bits and pieces. I had to say that we buried him at sea to get around showing the body–but I left that Pakistani doctor who ratted on Osama rotting in prison over there, so good luck collecting his twenty-five million! I also violated operational protocols and outed SEAL Team 6 as the trigger happy bunch that did the dirty deed–and as we all know, SEAL Team 6 was mysteriously blown to bits shortly afterwards when they were rushed aboard a big, slow, cargo helicopter and sent without any air cover into a known danger zone full of Taliban who seemed–heh, heh–to have been tipped off. Ka-boom! But I wasn’t finished! I found out they liked to wear those stupid ‘don’t tread on me’ tea=bagger flags on their uniforms–so I banned them! ‘Too radical,’ I told them! Like I said earlier, you make the Man look bad, you get the treatment!  Anyway, all in all, comrades, I hope we can agree that killing Osama was a necessary evil.

See that? Mess with the Man and say goodbye to your dumbass tea-bag flag!

“To sum up the rest of my first term, comrades, it went pretty smoothly. Eric Holder botched ‘Fast and Furious’ by getting caught, but the mainstream press wouldn’t talk about it, and we succeeded in arming the drug cartels. We overturned Arizona’s effort to pass some fascist law saying that they were going to enforce federal immigration laws even if I didn’t, and when that Jan Brewer hag got all up in my face about it on the runway, the press all said Governor Brewer was horribly disrespectful of me, so how dare she, right? Let’s face it, that kind of disrespect is only okay for Donald Trump! Ha!  And when the congress got antsy about all my deficit spending and tried to look responsible—which is a laugh, because they were so scared of me it was amazing—they did that sequestration thing, and all I had to do was shut down tours of the White House and throw a bunch of octogenarian war veterans out of some war memorials and say, see—see what those heartless Republicans did? Worked like a charm.

Close the fire department!

Ha, it costs nothing to keep war memorials open, and a fortune to police shutting them down–but it was worth it to see those geezer vets get turned away!

“That’s the first rule of maintaining socialist programs in a free republic, guys—as soon as they try to cut spending, close the fire department. As soon as they want to trim the fat or cut the pork out of some major boondoggle, threaten the oldsters and the vets. Works every time, and the press played it up like it was the GOP’s fault even after my emails colluding with the Department of the Interior to harass the vets got exposed by National Review--whatever that is!

“Unemployment went to new heights, but by assuming anybody who gave up looking for work no longer counted as unemployed, we hid the 11 percent unemployment figure. The media kept the real figures under wraps even when I finished my first term with two million fewer people working than when I took office, but I told the country I’d  ‘created or saved’ 4 million jobs…even though that meant I must’ve destroyed six million jobs, but hey, that’s another six million people who need government money to survive—and I call that progressive, comrades!

Never mind the math! This is my Secretary of Labor looking insulted!

“A bunch of conservatives like that Allen West guy, who’s Black, if you can believe it, started saying that the Department of Labor’s figures were “ludicrous,” and that capitalist pig Jack Welsh tweeted “..these Chicago guys will do anything–can’t debate so they change numbers,” so I just have my Labor Secretary says she’s “insulted,” and the story turns into this old rich White CEO bullying this poor, hardworking, Latina civil servant who’s also female—ha–this is why you appoint minorities to these positions, comrades! Never mind if they need it or deserve it, the PC political climate we’ve created makes criticizing them political suicide!

My promising career….

“As for promises kept? I did sign an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay’s detention camp–I just never actually closed it! But I freed a lot of the worst terrorists there who returned to the struggle for Islam on battle fronts in the Middle East. I promised to reduce American and Russian nuclear stockpiles, and I reduced ours tremendously while Russia actually increased theirs -but hey, it’s America that needs to come off it’s high horse, and Russia never keeps agreements anyhow. That’s when I got caught on a live mic begging Medvedev to tell Putin I could disarm faster after I got re-elected, which would’ve ended any Republican’s career, but nope—our media comrades buried it totally. I claimed I’d ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but  the terrorists nearly took back Iraq, and we’re still in Afghanistan, and I created a new war in Syria and fought an unconstitutional air war in Libya allowing terrorist factions to seize power.

______________________________

To infinity, and–never mind!

“I promised to make NASA ‘a robust program of space exploration and scientific discovery.’  Told everyone we’d return to the moon and land on ‘other distant destinations, including Mars.’ But that was all baloney. Thing is, even liberals like space stuff, so that was a crowd pleaser. In reality, I cut NASA’s budget, our Astronauts had to ride Russian rockets to reach orbit, and I re-tasked NASA with Muslim outreach, telling the new Director I wanted him to ‘reach out to the Muslim world and engage …with dominantly [sic] Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering.’ I had NASA focus on promoting global warming, too, until those 49 former NASA scientists and astronauts came out in 2012 and called it all nonsense. I can’t control everyone. Astronauts are almost as bad as SEALS, and it took a lot of effort to keep the story our of the mainstream!

And for my next trick…

I called ISIS the Junior Varsity, and then I called them ISIL to make my cultural sophistication obvious. But I never actually did much to stop them.

“To cap off my first term, I politicized the IRS  into a wing of the DNC, denying tax-free status to any Tea Party applicants. I laid our borders wide open to absolutely anybody who felt like coming into the country, ignored my constitutional obligation to deport illegal immigrants already in the United states, changed the rules of Obamacare without approval from congress whenever it seemed convenient, used the EPA to conduct a war against the coal industry, ordered intelligence reports altered to make my ‘war on terror’ look successful, and made the growth of ISIL possible by withdrawing from Iraq prematurely.

“My greatest achievement of course, was socializing American Medicine over the protests of a majority of Americans by ‘deeming’ Obamacare to have passed, after illegally conniving with House and Senate leaders to offer sweetheart deals to Democrat politicians so they’d pretend to like it! Reducing the best medical care system anywhere in the world to something resembling the DMV, only run by the IRS, was quite a feat. And they’ll never be able to get rid of it–NEVER! The media won’t let ’em and the GOP doesn’t have the guts! And as  icing on the cake, we spent 600 million on a website teenagers could have designed for peanuts, and found out it didn’t work. So we spent $2.1 billion repairing it.  Look, free health care doesn’t come cheap!

The only part of Obamacare that actually worked was the pretty girl’s face on the website–and she turned out not to be a citizen and said she wasn’t signing up–so we ditched her.

“I illegally nationalized the American auto industry and illegally reorganized it to enrich union leaders while shafting shareholders; I illegally targeted conservatives with the IRS, BATF and OSHA, militarized the Department of the Interior to threaten ranchers, forcibly federalized local police departments by concocting claims of racism;  promoted voter fraud by using the Justice Department to prevent states from issuing or requiring voter IDs, ignored a court order to lift my  illegal ban on deep water drilling in the Gulf, used the resources of the Department of Justice to ramp up public opinion against George Zimmerman, illegally swapped three top ranking terrorists for that deserter guy Bergdahl– with the same name as my dog– who defected to Al Qaida but got homesick; and I established an illegal ‘phone tax’ through the FCC so ‘every school child in America could have Internet service’—which never happened, but the tax is still there. I also got caught altering press conference tapes to remove embarrassing moments, and conspired to remove evidence of radical Islamic connections from criminal events like the Orlando shootings, which I preferred to blame on a homophobic NRA.

“And did I mention Common Core? Our bogus educational initiative actually turned what was left of America’s elementary schools into Marxist/Islamic indoctrination centers! Yep—all in all it was a good first term. And I was only getting started, comrades! There was plenty more to come!”

WTSCTGU file photo

The worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us. (file copy).

[Well, Mr. President, what do you think so far? Obviously your achievements on behalf of the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy (as we here at WOOF like to call it) are far too extensive to be summed up in just one installment. So PLEASE don’t go jetting off to Havana until you have the complete set, all right? Fidel isn’t going anywhere, and Old Scratch is infamously patient–so bear with us while we prepare the second installment of your career in review! As you know, it tops even your first four years of unparalleled vision and lengthy vacations, so stay tuned. And meanwhile, rehearse your delivery on this first chapter! We want it just right for the big moment! Remember–no sing-song!]WOOF PRINT

 

Dear Donald, Sir: WOOF’s Open Letter to the President Elect

In "Only you Dick Daring" forum on December 29, 2016 at 2:26 pm

 

woof-dog-swriting-splash-illus

We wouldn’t normally presume to offer unsolicited advice to an incoming president, at least in such detail, Mr. Trump–except that we may well be responsible for your surprise victory over “Her Magnificence” (a cognomen for Mrs. Clinton impulsively bestowed upon her by an effusive Tina Brown and used routinely by us here at WOOF ever since).  But you probably know Tina, right? You seem to know all the glittery people. Anyway–we don’t suppose you had time to notice but we closed our October anniversary post with a suggestion that all patriotic Americans enter the voting booth and cast their ballots while chanting (quietly, of course so as not to distract others) Klaatu barada nikto.

gort-and-patricia

Gort, Miss Neal, and an unidentified friend.

The logic here is relatively obvious: If Patricia Neal’s recitation of those words saved the earth from Gort the robot in the 1951 screen classic The Day the Earth Stood Still, we were pretty certain  they might work to save the earth from Hillary, too.  It is, of course, impossible to authoritatively tabulate how many American voters actually took our advice and thereby sought to enlist extraterrestrial assistance in saving the United States from destruction– but it only took Patricia Neal in the movie–so you can see our point when we say that your shocker electoral triumph may be largely or at least partly due to us–and, of course, benevolent space intelligences who can presumably hack election results without leaving a trace…or perhaps simply transmogrify the hearts of thousands of voters–who knows? So, on this basis, we at WOOF are tendering a kind of desideratum for you to ponder during the lull.

___________________________________

On forsaking Christine…

christine-o

Left on the bench this election year, Christine O’Donnell looks fairly philosophical about it, we think.

And here’s another point. You may not read WOOF regularly, Donald, sir—and we understand if you don’t. After all, you actually work for a living, and you were busy on top of that getting elected—and before that, no offense, you seemed pretty liberal. So we can understand if you aren’t familiar with our editorial customs. But by way of demonstrating how united we became post-convention behind your candidacy, we want to point out that 2016 is the first presidential year we didn’t nominate a separate candidate for the White House. Usually, we nominate Christine O’Donnell—remember her? We just love her. After the 2012 fiasco, we mailed out a lot of our famous “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Christine O’Donnell” bumper stickers. We ran out of them…and since we didn’t charge money for them, we couldn’t afford to print more. But that’s not the point. The point is—and we hope you are properly impressed by it—that despite having a bunch of fresh bumper stickers ready to go this year, we hung fire! And this despite the fact that our planned “Christine in ‘16” slogan reflected the last presidential election year that rhymes with the comely Delawarean’s name until next century—so it took some restraint, believe us!

christine-redo

___________________________________

We’re here to help, Donald—and you’ll like our advice on these matters because it’s the best advice. It’s huge. And it’ll be great. Great. We promise! For example:

Bush signs border fence bill--his heart may have been in the right place, but the fence never was!

Bush signs border fence bill–his heart may have been in the right place, but the fence never was!

Immigration: You know you have to build a wall, right? It was hardly your idea, although because of your outspokenness on the subject, most people probably think so. Few, for that matter, realize that Peter T. King (R-NY) introduced the “Secure Fence” bill in 2006, and that it was passed by both houses of congress including a supportive vote from Hillary Clinton. When“W” signed it into law, he told onlookers that, “This bill will help protect the American people. This bill will make our borders more secure. It is an important step toward immigration reform.”

imjustabillUnfortunately, bills are just pieces of paper and they can’t do any of those things, and while fragments of a “secure fence” were built, mostly the fence remained unbuilt. In no time at all, wily illegals perceived that crossing the border in those far-more-numerous locations where there was no fence was as easy as ever. Eventually, this flaw caught the attention of the 110th Congress, which introduced the “Reinstatement of the Secure Fence Act of 2008”, even though the 2006 act was never really un-instated. The reinstatement bill called for building enough fence to seal the entire border, which is what the original fence was supposed to do—but this version of the bill died in committee.

Some of the construction standards need to be reviewed, too, we think.

Some of the construction standards need to be reviewed, too, we think.

In 2010, waves of illegal aliens poured across America’s southern border at such appalling rates that Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC) decided to take action by authoring the “Finish the Fence” amendment to Peter King’s original bill of 2006, requiring Homeland Security to complete the project by constructing an additional 353 miles of fencing, which wasn’t technically “additional,” because it was already supposed to be there, only it wasn’t. But the amendment to finish the fence that was already lawfully mandated by the original bill died in committee. By 2012 public outrage had grown to a level that the Republican platform that year declared, “The double-layered fencing on the border that was enacted by Congress in 2006, but never completed, must finally be built.” Strangely, however, the Republican congress seemed to forget all about this plank of the GOP platform in the wake of Obama’s re-election.

berlin-wall-design

There are plenty of engineers in the former Peoples Republic of East Germany who can build decent walls–why not consult them? If it keeps people in, it can keep people out, right? And the towers can double as burger & taco restaurants for sightseers–just sayin.’

In fact, even defeated candidate Mitt Romney, whose platform contained the urgent language, joined a chorus of GOP luminaries calling for immigration reforms, which in Washington DC means the abandonment of all efforts at reform and the approval, instead, of blanket amnesty. Romney recommended “swallowing hard,” and passing “a permanent amnesty bill.” Nobody to our knowledge has figured out precisely what distinguishes permanent amnesty bills from ordinary amnesty bills or why swallowing makes them less stupid, but despite valiant efforts by congressional RINOs, no amnesty at all has passed—leaving it to President Obama to impose de facto Amnesty, accompanied by his peculiar resurrection of busing as a means of relocating masses of illegal, non-English-speaking immigrants to distant states—mostly ones that he hates.

Liberals are fond of solving problems with busses--and "Obamabussing" illegal immigrants into states unfriendly to illegal immigration is bound to change hearts and minds...or at least voting demographics..

Liberals are fond of solving problems with buses–and “Obamabussing” illegal immigrants into states unfriendly to illegal immigration is bound to change hearts and minds…or at least voting demographics..

TRUE FACT: Until recently, liberals loved border walls. Here, well known leftist Big Bird sings and dances on the Great Wall of China, beloved by liberals everywhere.

TRUE FACT: Until recently, liberals loved border walls. Here, well known leftist Big Bird sings and dances on the Great Wall of China, beloved by liberals everywhere.

The situation persists. In fact, only recently, the New York Times even noticed it. The Times was quick to assert that building a wall is “impractical,” commenting that “more restrictive immigration policies” would be better. The Times may have forgotten that such immigration policies (indeed, immigration laws) already exist, but are no longer enforced. So, yes, we really need a wall. And don’t think a Republican House and Senate necessarily means this will be easily achieved. Look at their record. Guts are in short supply in Washington, Donald sir, and money talks. A lot of your superficial supporters on the Hill continue working for business interests seeking cheap labor, and the pro-immigration groups (almost all of which represent the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy that Governs Us) seeking to deracinate our culture and subvert our constitution. These interests must be crushed. Not negotiated with–crushed. So build the wall, Donald, sir—and yes, make Mexico pay for it. There are, in fact, several ways to do this—and you probably know what they are. The two most obvious are impounding the 25 billion that flows back into Mexico from Mexicans working in our country—or you could simply redirect the 25 million that Mexico receives from us in the form of foreign aid annually, or both. The academics and media pundits who maunder on piteously that the ramifications of such moves would be horrendous for Mexico have at once grasped and missed the point. But you grasped that a long time ago—didn’t you! Build the wall.

_______________________________________

images

Senate Majority Leader’s face registering unrestrained delight as CNN confirms a Trump victory.

Congress—your new “allies” Even long-time spokespeople for the political right—people who, in other words, should know better—are waxing ecstatic over the fact that the GOP outperformed all expectations in retaining control of the House and the Senate. Granted, this is much better news than losing these institutions to the leftist hordes, but that doesn’t amount to unicorns and sunbeams…far from it. Any supposition that the majority of GOP members in these crucial governing bodies “got the message” can be immediately dispelled by the consideration that both Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan were immediately reinstated to their leadership positions. We aren’t certain that you understand what appalling news this is, Mr. Donald—but believe us when we tell you, it is an absolutely dismal beginning, signaling a difficult and treacherous road ahead.

Smiling men with bad reputations…

You probably recall that Mr. Ryan has been an outspoken critic of practically everything you’ve proposed, said, or thought throughout the nominative process and general election. When you suggested banning Muslim immigration for a period, he professed to be horrified, moaning that such a moratorium was “not what this party stands for and, more importantly, it’s not what this country stands for.” Absurdly, Mitch McConnell found grounds to object to your proposal (no different from Jimmy Carter’s temporary ban of the same nature) because “It would prevent the president of Afghanistan from coming to the United States. The king of Jordan couldn’t come to the United States. Obviously we’re not going to do that.” Senator McConnell did not indicate why either the King of Jordan or the President of Afghanistan might wish to immigrate to America, which would be the only condition under which your ban would apply to them—but Mitch has never been a deep thinker.

Smiling men with bad reputations.

Afghanistan's President Ashraf Ghani registers shock and anguish upon learning that he may not be eligible for American citizenship under Trump.

Afghanistan’s President Ashraf Ghani registers shock and anguish upon learning that he may not be eligible for American citizenship under Trump.

It wasn’t that long ago that McConnell was assuring the media elites that his senatorial leadership would spell doom for the cursed Tea Party. When McConnell crowed to his allies at the New York Times that “…we are going to crush them everywhere,” he wasn’t talking about the Democrats—he was talking about his own party’s conservatives. The primary victories of RINOs like John McCain, Thad Cochran, Kelly Ayotte and yes, Paul Ryan, all won against first rate tea-party-style challengers, are tributes to McConnell’s jihad against the GOP’s conservative element. And because American voters still prefer RINOs to radical leftists, all but Ayotte (who went out of her way to trash your candidacy on the advice of her expert consultants) won their elective contests.

Ayotta looked leftward for support in opposing Trump...so the Democrat won.

Ayotte looked leftward for support …so the Democrat won.

You must have noticed that guys like Ryan and McConnell were sniping at you the whole way for the amusement of the inside-the-beltway gerbil pack—and they haven’t changed any, and they can’t stand you, Donald. As soon as they can bad mouth your presidential performance to the piranhas at WaPo or the lynch mob on Meet the Press, they’ll jump at the opportunity. And the rest of “your” Republican House and Senate voted for them to retain their leadership roles—so don’t think that you have a GOP wind at your back—it’s really a RINO dirk. Wasn’t it the Incredible String Band’s Mike Heron who recorded an album back in the day entitled “Smiling Men with Bad Reputations”? The description was never more apt!

index

Speaker Ryan –more isn’t than ism.

Some giddy optimist at National Review (which we know you declared a failed publication, but just the same) wrote recently that “Conservatives should hope for a synthesis of Trumpism and Ryanism that improves on both.” There are several flaws in this argument. First, there is no such thing as “Ryanism” in a strict sense. Ryanism, unlike Reaganism, or McCarthyism, or for that matter Trotskyism, is an ism without viscera. A smarmy willingness to compromise with the very forces one swore implacable opposition to only months earlier, while doggedly serving, no matter how underhandedly, whichever interests may currently offer maximum media strokes and establishmentarian approval, is less an ism than a personality disorder.

Second, we are fairly certain that Paul Ryan is not a student of Hegel, and we are willing to bet that you aren’t either…sir. So the idea of synthesis, while philosophically charming, is almost certainly inapplicable in praxis. More probably, Ryan will spend his time and energies half-consciously assessing your perceived gains or losses in the matrix of power politics, all the while maneuvering in accordance with his perceptions. This is not a guy you can merge with synergistically. Nothing about the man will hold still long enough to merge with.

images

And finally, sir, “hope” is not a policy—and Conservatives are better advised to spend their time creating (and in many cases, remember, tenaciously obstructing) change, than hoping for it or against it. Let the liberals do the hoping.

______________________________________

Chuck Schumer--avuncular pick pocket.

Chuck Schumer–avuncular pick pocket.

Congress—your former friends Now about your “friends” from the old days—and in particular, since you recently made mention of him, your relationship with Chuck Schumer. We know you probably don’t like us iterating this unattractive concern, Donald, but to run the detail past you one final time, you seem to have been a rather liberal and Democrat-oriented guy for the majority of your time on this planet, and we can definitely understand that—up to a point. After all, when it comes to the particulars of doing business, whether in New York or internationally, one must deal with, befriend, play golf with, and express common ground with a lot of politicians and proverbial “fat cats” who are almost uniformly leftist, whether in the oleaginous domestic sense, or that more cosmopolitan sense that one associates with the likes of Alfonso Cortina, Thierry Breton , or Sir Anthony Salz.  But we got kind of worried when we heard you say that you look forward to working with Chuck Schumer because you “have always had a good relationship with [him]” and because “He is far smarter than Harry Reid and has the ability to get things done.”

reidindex

Harry Reid: Wherever there’s an exercise machine beatin’ up a guy–he’ll be there!

So okay, yes, Schumer is far smarter than Harry Reid, but let’s be honest, so is the average begonia. Also, Reid’s extraordinary inability to voice any criticism or accusation that doesn’t ring simultaneously with mendacity and heinousness made him a kind of poster child for the depraved Left—a Golem-like figure so divested of redeemable characteristics that his opposition to any person or principle served as an almost automatic advertisement for the virtue of whatever he saw fit to assail. A man so detestable that his own exercise machine beat him up. You won’t be so lucky with Schumer, whose genius for duplicity is refined, and whose ability to dissemble any point whilst affecting a certain heuristic (not to say cloyingly condescending) sincerity is comparatively effective with large numbers of gormless voters and media poltroons.

It may be a particularly bitter lesson for you, sir, given your guileless enthusiasm for such characters, but the same politicians it was pleasant and profitable to schmooze while you chatted about real estate deals, or private jets, are now your blood enemies….and flattering someone like Chuck Schumer based on fond recollections of innocent times gone by will not drain him of a scintilla of malice. Consider that no sooner had you found gracious words for the newly anointed Senate minority leader than he made a beeline for the Politico to assure them he was not your friend, never ate a meal with you, never played golf with you, and only took around ten-thousand dollars in donations from you over past election cycles because—well—you only really became objectionably despicable about a year ago. He reminded us of Obama back in 2008 making a show of struggling to remember who on earth Bill Ayers was.

"...just some guy who lived down the street."

“…this is just a guy who lives in my neighborhood….”

How liberals compromise….

On FOX News Schumer vowed to compromise with your administration, yes; but he vowed to do so only on those occasions when your objectives “echoed the views of Democrats,” which is to say, when you already agree with him. For almost 50 years this has been the Democrat approach to “compromise,” and Schumer is a past master. Notice he has also laid groundwork for “compromise” on the 2nd Amendment, telling reporters that you can “prove” your administration is serious about keeping domestic terrorists at bay “only” by “persuading the National Rifle Association to support gun control measures sponsored by Democrats.” Only, in other words, by abridging the 2nd Amendment.

Chuck firmly believes that anyone who can get lciensed for concealed carry in NYC should own a gun. So far, however,, he's the only one.

Chuck Schumer firmly believes that anyone who can get a license for concealed carry in NYC should be allowed to carry a gun.  So far, however, he’s the only one who’s managed. 

The man has already made plain his devotion to compromise on the topic of healthcare, telling MSNBC that “Obamacare, he [Trump] won’t be able to do.” And build the wall? Impossible, says Chuck, “unless he includes a plan for immigration reform.” Yes, we know—this seems funny on the face of it. Saying you can’t wall off the border unless you also have a plan to reform immigration is exactly like saying you can’t go on a diet unless you also have a plan to lose weight. You probably think, well, we can file that one under “duh,” right? Wrong. In liberaleze this means a compromise is required in which you agree to blanket amnesty in exchange for the Democrats agreeing to fund your wall—and, in liberaleze, this means that amnesty will be driven through and the wall will never again be mentioned.

____________________________________

Obamacare must die. And the longer you wait to kill it, the harder it will be. This is due in part to the fact that as soon as the leftwing establishment media begin churning out shrill warnings indexabout what cataclysmic ramifications are certain to follow upon the repeal of this most invidious means of human bondage, a substantial number of Republicans will turn to jello and begin scoring brownie points with their media handlers by appearing on newscasts to support the liberal view. They will appear jointly, as is traditionally the case, with Democrats who will provide contrast by also supporting the liberal view. You must confront this tenaciously! It would be more than sufficient grounds to kill the Affordable Care Act owing to its horrendous impact on business, and small business in particular. It adds to unemployment because most employers daren’t surpass the limits at which they must become providers or custodians of all sorts of reticulate, poorly understood, and often Dadaistic healthcare requirements that cannot be afforded by struggling businessmen, or easily accessed by employees bucking such obstacles as impossibly high deductibles and a drastically diminished quality of service provision.

24images

Too late the hero? Maybe it took 25 hours to rescue John Roberts’s loved ones.

It also remains a constitutional fact that Americans cannot be compelled by their government to purchase a product–any product–unless they have voluntarily entered into some sort of contractual relationship necessitating the purchase. In other words, if you decide to drive a car, the state will allow you to do so on the condition (to give a single example) that you are an insured driver. (Unless, of course, you are an illegal alien, but we digress…) You may choose not to drive a car, or you may prefer to move to a state where the requirements for driving a car are more to your liking, but if you seek a license, you are required to provide certain assurances of indemnification. Not everyone drives, and Heaven knows not everyone should drive–but everyone gets sick now and then, and the government cannot pretend that we do so voluntarily or as part of a contractual understanding.

robertsimages

Actually, we DON’T like that we agree.

The mandated coverage aspect of Obamacare is a tyranny, foisted upon Americans (through the reprehensible connivance of Chief Justice Roberts) as somehow constitutional. Which, clearly, it is not.  It was Justice Roberts’s genius to rewrite the Administration’s argument, you may recall, Donald, sir, so that the increasing levels of fines levied against citizens who failed to comply with the law mandating purchase of health insurance were reimagined as a tax.  Everyone knows taxes are legal, so hey, presto, so became the individual mandate.  Nobody knows what Justice Roberts may have been smoking, or if Jack Bauer simply failed to liberate whatever beloved relative of Roberts’s was being held hostage by Obama’s minions in time to spare the Chief Justice rendering a coerced  opinion– but that’s all behind us now.  Sadly, Obamacare is not, and it has to go– and go now, while its conspicuous failures–intended to make totalitarian control of America’s medical establishment irresistable–can be held aloft instead as proofs of the entire scheme’s impracticality.

Despite the First Lady's mastery of several styles of Kung-fu, the Obama's remain reluctant to return to Chicago.

Despite the First Lady’s mastery of several styles of Kung-fu, the Obamas remain reluctant to return to Chicago.

Take for example the fact that the impossible costs written into the law are now going higher, as dictated by the law’s fine print. Using Obama’s home state of Illinois as an example, premiums are blasting off to dizzying heights.  (Maybe that’s why Rappin’ Preezy says he won’t be returning to Chicago.) Bronze premiums are rising 48 percent, Silver are up 44 percent, and Gold is soaring to a 55 percent increase. (By the way, is this bronze and gold stuff all a Satanic rip-off of Plato’s Republic? Nevermind…) These hikes are similar to those occurring in all 50 states. And of course, all this was by design–because at this point the single payer option was to be trotted out, while all the insurance companies were to be accused of abject greed and driven out of the business by our benevolent leadership in Washington (read: the Leftists in charge of the caper) and specifically the IRS. After all, the IRS did such a good job fairly administering 501(c)(4) status to groups seeking to file as non-profits, it only follows that they should determine what degree and what types of health benefits our citizens may variously receive.  Seriously, Donald, this is like putting the Post Office in charge of the space program– except that it compounds blatant unsuitability with a history of overtly malicious bias.

Comrades, there are wreckers in the healthcare sector!

Photo of a communist show trial at which a woman confesses to be a wrecker in the medical field. WOOF apologizes for the blurry film quality--apparently there were wreckers in the photographic field, too.

Photo of a communist show trial at which a woman confesses to being a wrecker in the medical field. WOOF apologizes for the blurry film quality–apparently there were wreckers in the photographic field, too.

The collapse of Obamacare as we are now witnessing it was part of the original design. As intended, the private insurers (easily the dupes of the decade, so enthusiastically did they greet the idea of mandatory health insurance as a pending bonanza) are now facing bankruptcy unless they charge impossibly high premiums for governmentally dictated levels of coverage or simply drop out of the loop. This was the point at which a future president, say Hillary Clinton for instance, was supposed to carry the socialist ball forward by vilifying the evil corporate insurance providers and explaining to the same citizenry that thought it would be able to keep its insurance policies and its doctors if it wanted to, that thanks to the treason of the money-grubbing private providers, government had no choice but to step in and save the day. The scheme is almost pristinely Stalinist. A few show trials at which the CEOs of major insurance companies confessed to being “wreckers in the healthcare sector” would bring the whole thing to perfection. The ignorant masses would then demand pure government healthcare by tumult– But then you got elected, Donald, sir, and that was absolutely not in the plan.

Reportedly, the AMA's journal drew the line at agreeing to change it's traditional cover to accommodate the President's suggested replacement.

Reportedly, the AMA’s journal drew the line at agreeing to change it’s traditional cover to accommodate the President’s suggested replacement.

So now, behold Obama maneuvering to institutionalize the single-payer option by renaming it the “public option” and advocating its adoption in the Journal of the American Medical Association (wherein peer review would typically deflect such disingenuous and factually insupportable flimflammery, but not, evidently, when the flimflam has been ghost-written on behalf of the First Medic). Obama’s JAMA monograph expounds such significant medical insights as that “Congress should revisit a public plan to compete alongside private insurers in areas of the country where competition is limited,” by which, rest assured, he means the entire country. And the sparkly new idea he and his comrades have generated to address this “unexpected” difficulty? Why, a single-payer government system managed by the IRS and  designed to completely replace all other funding sources by undercutting the market with dollars bled from the very taxpayers to whom it will be offered! In other words, the same old endgame Obama has been advocating since 2003 when he blithely advised the AFL/CIO (who aren’t even doctors!) that he sought nothing short of “a single payer health care plan, a universal health care plan,” except that now he’s within a hair’s breadth of success.

You have a blessing in disguise, however, Donald sir, in Obamacare’s planned collapse–for instead of railing against the private sector and shouting that more of this poison will cure everyone, as Hillary was expected to do, you can point to the system’s myriad fatal flaws as evidence that the Affordable Care Act is a dramatic failure, and make the case for euthanizing the entire program.  Obamacare must be destroyed.

Remember when the Administration tried to sell Obamacare to Millennials? Somehow they remained totally uninterested despite a series of ads, many as brilliantly creative as this one.

Remember when the Administration tried to sell Obamacare to Millennials? Somehow they remained totally uninterested despite a series of ads, many as brilliantly creative as this one.

_______________________________________

About Dodd-Frank As you will discover to be the case henceforth, helpful advisors will pop up unbidden to offer you unsolicited guidance with only your best interests at heart. It’s remarkable, actually, how often lifelong Democrat operatives pause to prescribe policies and attitudes for Republicans, and always in hopes of advancing and improving the Republican brand. If only our own side could display such magnanimity!

Mark Hamrick--we already discussed smiling men, right?

Mark Hamrick–we already discussed smiling men, right?

Mark Hamrick, senior economic analyst at Bankrate.com, for instance, recently opined that “It doesn’t look good for Donald Trump the populist to be essentially disemboweling what was the principal regulatory response to the financial crisis.” But you didn’t swear fealty to the Republican Party and its populist vision, did you, sir. No, in early September you announced from Trump Tower that you were “totally pledging [your] allegiance to the Republican Party and the conservative principles for which it stands.” Everybody heard you—including Reince Priebus whose brow jiggled in such a way that we assume he wasn’t anticipating the entirety of your vow. So in other words, Mark Hamrick might as sensibly have said, “It doesn’t look good for Donald Trump the turnip,” and completed his paralogism on that basis—it would have applied no less sensibly.

We labor the point only to remind you, Donald, that “smiling men with bad reputations” are everywhere, and they will devour you piecemeal if you don’t proof yourself against their advisements, which, no matter how prettily phrased, are never more than invitations to revisit the toxic-waste dump of leftwing agenda items. And what agenda item was Mark Hamrick subtly defending? Why, Dodd-Frank, of course—surely you realized.

Chris and Barney--they're from the government and they're here to help.

Chris and Barney–they’re from the government and they’re here to help.

Okay, as you no doubt recall, you promised to dump Dodd-Frank. This is a good idea, although it will not catch fire for you; first, because the average guy in the street has no idea what you’re talking about. Second, because the banks themselves are afraid to join you in protesting the law’s absurdities mainly because, third, the general perception of banking as an institution is almost entirely negative nowadays—from the Occupy movement to the Tea Party and at most points in between, the “banksters” are loathed and excoriated. And one thing you can say for Dodd-Frank, it definitely makes bankers miserable. Of course, favoring this imbecilic law because it beats up the banks is about as intelligent as favoring confiscatory taxation for the wealthy because one resents rich people.

I'll show you, you scurrilous bankers and rich people--after me, you're next!

“I’ll show you, you scurrilous bankers and rich people–and after me, you’re next!”

Dick Durbin--file photo

Dick Durbin–(file photo)

The Economist recently noted that “After the crisis of 2008, finance plainly needed better regulation. Lots of institutions had turned out to enjoy the backing of the taxpayer because they were too big to fail.” But wait a minute—aren’t government (which is to say taxpayer) bailouts the last resort of government regulators? And would bailouts be necessary if banking institutions were not press ganged into making untenable loans to minorities as a result of people like—well, Dodd and Frank—and threatened with federal retaliation if they refused to issue bad paper?

The Worldwide Socialist Totalitarian Conspiracy that Governs Us (file photo)

The Worldwide Socialist Totalitarian Conspiracy that Governs Us (file photo)

In fact, six years after the passage of this harebrained rewrite of our financial laws, Dodd-Frank has beaten small bankers senseless, left large bankers leveraged against the flurry of endlessly incomprehensible rules and regulations with which the legislation bristles, strangled access to credit, and set us up for a banking collapse that could dwarf 2007. As you seem to perceive, Donald, the whole mess was concocted by politicos who either believed or who found it expedient to pretend that deregulation caused the banking crisis. But when the federal government coerces banks into behaving incautiously, there is no deregulation. And Barney Frank and Little Chrissie Dodd running the nation’s finances makes no more sense than Joseph Stalin trying to run the Soviet Union’s agricultural programs or railroads. It was ridiculous back when Barney and Chrissie (and Dick Durbin –remember him?) were busy causing the credit collapse, and became even more ridiculous when the same culprits expressed outrage at the problems they’d caused and volunteered to fix them, whereupon Frank and Dodd churned out a 14,000 page bill…or rather, they agreed to carry the bill forward on behalf of the shadowy forces that concocted it. WOOF could explain these shadowy forces in detail, but it would require another 8,000 words—so for brevity’s sake we like to call them the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy that Governs Us (somebody says we stole that particular description from the John Birch Society, but so far they haven’t complained). _________________________________

Exactly!

Exactly!

Defense Okay, so far so good! In fact, people often ask us things from time to time like “who would you choose for secretary of defense?” And we always got a kick out of replying “Mad Dog Mattis!” which remark would probably leave more liberals aghast if only more liberals knew who on earth he was– but it sufficed to scare the bejabbers out of the better informed amongst them. It also–have not the slightest doubt–drove Barack Hussein Obama up the Oval Office wall, he having purged the legendary Marine along with scores of other combat-hardened career officers in his putsch to oust  battle-worthy commanders from the military’s top ranks, making way for the kinds of sycophantic careerists with whom he prefers to populate the Pentagon (WOOF story here). And while this was going on, Obama’s short-lived but remarkably destructive secretary of defense, Chuck Hagel, was outspokenly determined to reduce the ranks of our military to the smallest number of active units since before World War II, at which he succeeded, sad to say–given how a vastly reduced military prior to World War II conduced rather obviously to America’s involvement in–well–World War II.  And this in the face of massive build-ups by Russia and Red China whose forces have been consistently upgraded and expanded since the beginning of the present century, and whose militaries are mainly deployed in anticipation of armed conflict with those forces that survived Chuck Hagel’s  meat grinder. “The U.S. Military…is aging. It’s shrinking in size,” warns Dakota Wood, a Heritage Foundation analyst. And this, sir Donald, is profoundly understated.

images

Why don’t things like Obama and Chuck Hagel ever happen to the Chinese?

Here’s a thought: You could make Our Beloved Helmsman even more frantic were you to appoint, say, Jim Webb as Secretary of the Navy. Yes, he was SecNav already under Reagan, but now that Mr. Webb is a Democrat (and a sufficiently outspoken and insubordinate one to keep the DNC in conniptions) it would be fun to ask him to return and once again set about the creation of a 600-hull fleet.  We at WOOF have been lambasted a time or two for recommending that the Iowa class battleships be once again recalled to service– and by a number of well-informed, patriotic readers who happen to think the idea is–well–stupid. But we’d still be okay seeing the three ships in this category returned to the high seas–call us hopeless romantics–but don’t you think it might be worth considering, Mr. Donald? Those Iowa BBs are big–they’re huge. Huge.

1024px-uss_new_jersey_bb-62_underway_in_1983-2

Nothing says “huge!” like nine 16″ rifles–just sayin’

But apart from this admittedly arguable recommendation, there is no escaping the fact that our naval presence around the world is now dangerously thin. As we mentioned, Webb built Reagan a 600-hull navy–and in fact, the average size of the U.S. fleet since World War II has been better than 700 ships. Know how many we have at the moment, Mr. Donald? If you guessed 273, you’re doing well—but our Navy isn’t. It cannot keep ships deployed in a number of theatres important to the global maritime environment. Our international adversaries are well aware of these gaps in the Navy’s coverage and you can be sure they are itching to exploit them. Without firing a shot they can focus influence in regions that may be co-opted into alliances or reliances on potential enemies to the detriment of American interests—and this must be addressed quickly. Sea power remains the most visible and influential form of military might. Building ships, improving weaponry, and keeping our technologies ahead of the curve will cost a lot, but we cannot afford to continue downsizing and revising our Naval presence.

The U.SS. Zumwalt is pretty cool--she is the name vessel of 28 more ships, all but two of which got cancelled by the Administration. And the Zumwalt broke down on her shake-down cruise--a little help?

The U.S.S. Zumwalt is pretty cool–she is the name vessel of 28 more ships in her class of Destroyers, all but two more of which got cancelled by the Administration. And the Zumwalt broke down on her shakedown cruise–a little help?

U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel speaks to U.S. troops at the Al Udeid Airbase, west of Doha December 10, 2013. Hagel briefed Qatari leaders on Tuesday about the effort to destroy Syria's chemical weapons, and he underscored U.S. support for Syria's moderate opposition. Hagel met with Qatari Emir Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad and Defence Minister Hamad bin Ali al-Attiyah on the last day of a visit to the region to reassure Gulf Arab allies of continuing U.S. support, despite disagreements over Washington's policy toward Syria and its diplomatic overtures to Iran. Picture taken December 10. REUTERS/Mark Wilson/Pool (QATAR - Tags: MILITARY POLITICS) - RTX16DBM

U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel uses hand gestures to show troops how to shrink to pre-WWII levels and yet remain a credible deterrent. Some skepticism is detectable in the ranks.

The Army is in even sadder shape.  Aside from the desperate need for improvements in the areas of enhanced lethality, enhanced survivability, improved communications systems, and imaginative advances in its avionic and electronic warfare programs, it needs two-hundred-and-fifty thousand more troops.

Another thing--have you noticed that "nose art" has deteriorated at the same rate as our military supremacy? Maybve you should revive that, too, Donald sir!

Another thing–have you noticed that “nose art” has deteriorated at the same rate as our air supremacy? Maybe you should revive that, too, Donald sir!

And then there is air power to consider. As you come to office,  Red China is phasing more than 1,000 advanced fighters into service.  They will be deployed in full before the end of your first term. Russia is racing to modernize its force of fighter and bomber aircraft. Meanwhile, we are still trying to get the F-35 to stay in the air and not catch fire on takeoff. You see, President Obama killed the F-22 Raptor, so we only have about 120 of those magnificent fighters operational. The idea was that the F-35 would be so much better. This is an old liberal ploy, Donald, sir—kill an efficient weapons project with promises of something much better to come, and then either deploy a flock of turkeys or kill the next project, too, on the same premise. But in battle, a sky full of something is better than a portfolio full of promises.

images

Consider also Northrop’s unbuilt F-23; another excellent fighter option that doesn’t catch fire or suffer “brain problems,” and that looks really awesome, don’t you think?

Build war planes—and build them using your particular genius for cutting through the bureaucratic bologna and wangling the best bang for the buck. To begin with, reboot F-22 production to the tune of an additional 250. That action alone will answer the Chinese expansion profoundly. The F-35 may ultimately prove serviceable in several capacities, but it is too complex, too expensive, and sacrifices too much maneuverability in the name of technological gimmickry to be relied upon as a our first line fighter. Oh, and our Navy needs fighter aircraft that suit its particularly strenuous requirements for carrier duty—don’t saddle them, or the Marines, with a compromise like the F-35 that satisfies nobody because it was meant to satisfy everybody.

F-35s catching fire on their runways--Obama's emphasis on the aircraft's greater destructive capacity neglected to mention that a good deal of it is self-directed.

F-35s catching fire on the ground–Obama’s emphasis on the aircraft’s greater destructive capacity neglected to mention that a good deal of it seems to be self-inflicted.

chappie-james

General Daniel “Chappie” James

Sadly, sir Donald, we must also refurbish and update our nuclear missiles. Your predecessor has been cutting back on  them as fast as he can, and the damage to our security is extreme.  The Russians will take note of improvements to our strategic bomber and missile forces and respect it—and so will the doddering commie oligarchs in Beijing, who are all Maoist atheists and in no hurry to be disintegrated, trust us. Wars aren’t won or prevented on a budget—but a close eye on how an expanded budget is managed at the Pentagon can put us out front again. As Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James once told a contingent of his fellow Black Americans who complained that his campaign for the B-1 meant less money available for improved sewage systems in East Burbank, “Without the B-1, there won’t be any East Burbank.” You should really hire General James, Donald, except he’s been dead since 1978. Nobody’s perfect!

_________________________________

"Whose ox shall we gore today?"

Whose ox shall we gore today?” (Nyuck, nyuck!)

Budget cutting. Cutting taxes increases revenue. But this fact is so little understood by anybody other than Arthur Laffer and everyone in the WOOF cave, that cutting taxes can never be proposed as an economic stimulus without legions of critics chanting, “What budget cuts will you make to offset the loss in revenue?” And of course, budget cuts are a great idea in and of themselves, because we conservatives favor budgetary restraint, as Jeff Sessions has presumably taught you by now. But when you encounter demands for budget cuts from those afflicted with the sophism that reducing taxes amounts to reducing revenues, you will notice they seem overwhelmingly of the opinion that it can’t really be done (which is how you know they never wanted taxes reduced in the first place).  They all say the same thing, to wit, “Whose ox are you willing to gore?”  Ignore the planted axiom that all federal purse tightening must slash welfare and entitlement programs (although this is never an unattractive idea), and tell them you have quite a few substantial cuts in mind that lie outside the province of these gored oxen. As they blink uncomprehendingly, compound their bewilderment by suggesting that for starters you plan to sell Amtrak and the post office for a dollar apiece. Stress that the price is open to negotiation.

irsindexQuickly, while their minds reel with visions of motionless locomotives wrapped in vines and undeliverable parcels, add that you want to dissolve the IRS.  There is no constitutionally defensible basis upon which this tyrannical and politically malignant institution can justify its existence–and the multitudes that inhabit its dark kingdom can be replaced by any number of simple and equitable tax plans. Why not ask Ted Cruz for help devising a plan that will benefit the exchequer without immiserating the citizenry or shredding the bill of rights?  It’s time you two buried the hatchet, and if you can bury the IRS along with it, so much the better.

Next–get rid of the Department of Education. The media will scream that without it, our youth will fall prey to ignorance and illiteracy, but that’s what we believe you New Yorkers call crap. You know about the NEA, right? No other professional organization points annually to the increasingly poor product its members produce as evidence that its members deserve raises. Well, the whole Department of Education was created by Jimmy Carter as a pay-off to the National Education Association for its support in his 1976 election. Nobody needed it then or now. It spent 80 billion this year alone, and achieved nothing except a continued decline in the literacy and general educational levels of America’s school children. Under Obama it became a major promoter of “Common Core” which is a bane to the Republic and a propaganda utensil intended by its radical creators to turn our sons and daughters into America-loathing ignoramuses with no actual concept of their own history, cultural significance, or identities.

ccimages

Eliminating the Environmental Protection Agency will have every liberal academic and media flak in America ranting that you are destroying the planet and polluting the very air we breath (can’t you just hear them?) but in fact, the EPA is a clown act even when it isn’t functioning as a hit squad for leftist political ends. In August, it caused the massive collapse of a mine in Colorado. It also spilled millions of gallons of heavy-metal-contaminated goo into the Animas River and thence into the waterways of three states.  In 2013, in the midst of a blinding snowstorm, a cohort of EPA bravos donned helmets, vests, and combat utility harnesses, hefted their M-4 assault rifles, adjusted their goggles, and marched menacingly into Chicken, Alaska (WOOF did not make that up) to raid the alleged operational epicenter of a gang of  Clean Water Act violators headquartered in a copper mine. The Chicken raiders encountered no armed resistance from the dumbfounded workers, but several House subcommittee Republicans branded the mission “an effort to intimidate miners.” The EPA insisted it was acting to protect Alaskan fisheries from pollutants issuing from mining operations, while the mining CEO accused them of exercising “an authority that nowhere has Congress given them, to go across America and determine where development should occur and where it shouldn’t.”

Undeterred by snowfall, the EPA's heavily armed paramilitary wing assaults Chicken, Alaska.

Undeterred by snowfall, the EPA’s heavily armed paramilitary wing prepares to assault Chicken, Alaska.

Rep. Darrell Issa, (R-Calif) attempted to look into the matter, but when his committee subpoenaed the EPA biologist whose advice triggered the raid, the guy disappeared. When Issa’s committee sought the biologist’s computer records, they disappeared too. The EPA “discovered” that all documents covering the mine episode in Chicken between April 2007 and May 2009 had vanished. Meanwhile, it transpired that the mine on which the biologist based his recommendation was not the mine the EPA raided, but rather “an imaginary mine the EPA invented,” as explained by Washington Examiner columnist Ron Arnold, who added, “You can’t respect anything the EPA says.”

Of course at one time everyone in Detroit just drank Stroh's, but we hear those days are gone too.

Of course at one time in Detroit people just drank Stroh’s, but we hear those days are gone too.

Meanwhile, perhaps most infamously, residents of Flint, Michigan called in the EPA to help with water contamination. But EPA decided to save money by introducing water from the Flint River as Flint’s tap water. The water was so polluted it ate away the pipes, further contaminating Flint’s water supply, which fact the EPA set about trying to cover up. The agency would have allowed Flint residents to continue drinking lead-contaminated water if it hadn’t gotten caught. Just get rid of them, Donald, sir. Don’t just drain the swamp– clear the air. We will all breathe easier.

hudimagesOther government agencies ripe for demobilization include the Department of Energy (another Carter brainstorm that led immediately to gas rationing and soaring prices at the pump), the Department of Commerce (whose very existence threatens commerce) and the Department of Housing and Urban Development, named after a novel but hopelessly dated Paul Newman film. And when was the last time, sir, you looked over at Ivana during breakfast and said, “Say, honey, anything in the paper about whether Europe is complying with the Helsinki Accords?” Not for a while, right? And yet we find dollars in every year’s federal budget (except for those years when Obama didn’t bother submitting one, of course) to maintain a cold-war relic known as the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe (CSCE). Europe can get along just fine without it, or perhaps more accurately, it won’t be any the worse for its absence.

Heck, even the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has a paramilitary arm under Obama—remember when they raided the Gibson guitar factory and seized materials and computer records because Gibson’s president gives money to Republican causes? Fortunately, Gibson finally got its wood back and created the “government model” guitar series (buy some here) to mock the event—but our mental jury is still out on Fish and Wildlife—maybe we’ll wait to hear from Chuck Berry on the matter.

And do you know what the Federal Citizen Information Center (FCIC) does? It provides information–stuff like how to buy a new car, arrange a college loan, transplant your fluimagesDwarf fothergilla shrubs, install drainage around your home, or connect with additional government agencies if you need…well…additional government agencies. The FCIC mission statement touts the Center’s function as “answering questions relating to government services…” so here’s one: Why, in the age of the Internet, do we need the FCIC?

And then we have the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform (NCFRR). Originally established to “identify policies to improve the fiscal situation in the medium term” and “achieve fiscal sustainability over the long run,” the Commission has obviously failed and can  best serve both its stated goals by disbanding.  But since the Center stubbornly refuses to see reason, you may have to be firm…all in the name of fiscal responsibility, of course.

Yipes!

Yipes!

Other tax-funded organizations you might consider terminating include the obviously feckless United States Institute of Peace; the quaintly antiquated Board on Geographic Names (USBGN), founded to ensure consistent spelling of map locations as the railroad expanded Westward, and the Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds (FICMNEW), which we mention not only because nobody needs it, but also for its metaphoric implications pertaining to  these and countless additional agencies crying out for eradication. We could fill an entire article citing additional examples of federal flab in desperate need of actuarial liposuction, but you get the idea, right?

weeds

______________________________________

ISIS At home, begin by supporting passage of the “Muslim Brotherhood Terrorist Designation Act of 2015,” or S.2230, and never mind that the chief sponsor is Ted Cruz, this is vital legislation bimagesaimed at stopping Islamic extremism’s piecemeal establishment of Sharia law here at home. Abroad, you must proceed with a level of violence inflicted on major targets with such repetitive, yet often unpredictable brutality that the foundations of Islam tremble. You have this power; we will leave it to your Joint Chiefs to advise you on the particulars.  Do not go gentle.

_______________________________________

imagesIsrael  Oh, and God wants you to mend fences with Israel. No, not your personal fences, they’re fine–but under Obama the United States has spared no effort to belittle, insult, vilify, and/or delegitimize the Jewish State while embarrassing and insulting its leadership.  Obama’s anti-Israeli exertions include his efforts to humiliate Prime Minister Netanyahu at the White House, to return Israel to the indefensible borders predating the Six Days War, pour hundreds of millions of dollars into Iran’s war chest while encouraging its leadership–the proverbial Mad Mullahs–to perfect and complete construction of atomic weaponry to be used against the Jewish State, his (unsuccessful) attempt to rig the Israeli elections to result in Bibi Netanyahu’s defeat, and finally his sticking his thumb in Israel’s eye by abstaining from a UN vote crucial to Israel’s border security followed by John Kerry’s outgoing anti-semitic rant intended to disparage our most reliable ally in the Middle East and sell it down the river (which in this case would be the East River).  All of this must be turned around quickly, sir Donald–and supporting Israel wholeheartedly is the quickest way to dampen media gossip about your “Alt Right” proclivities into the bargain.

________________________________

images

Maybe mention he’d look cooler if he wore the strap over his head instead of under his chin?

Putin  Apparently, President Obama decided not to leave office without uttering at least one sentiment that was indisputably valid. Toward this end, one assumes, he recently averred that  “Over a third of Republican voters approve of Vladimir Putin, the former head of the KGB.  Ronald Reagan would roll over in his grave.” Notwithstanding the probability that Old Dutch has been spinning in his grave for the last eight years, Slow Rappin’ Preezy had a point.  Sure, his hypocrisy was at full blast, since he cheerfully played flunky to Mr. Putin throughout his first term, even begging Russia’s indulgence on the occasion of the famous live-microphone incident in which Obama could be heard begging Russian President Dmitry Medvedev to prevail upon “Vladimir” to grant him more time to further weaken American missile defense efforts, assuring the Russian that “This is my last election–after my election, I have more flexibility.”  So in other words, if the idea of pro-Russian conservatives seems a jarring departure from tradition, so do throngs of liberals abandoning a convention of irrational Russophilia dating all the way back to the New Deal in order to thunder patriotically against the bloody-fanged Slavic hordes of the East.  On the Left, of course, this is simply further evidence–if any were needed–that principles are largely adaptable to whatever pretense furthers the collectivist cause at the moment.

Teddy Kennedy loved the Russians--why, he even begged Breshnev to interfere in the 1984 election. (Actually, didn't Brezhnev get more votes than Mondale?)

Teddy Kennedy dearly loved the Russians–why, he even begged Brezhnev to interfere with the 1984 election. (Come to think of it, didn’t Brezhnev get more votes than Mondale?)

That said, Vladimir Putin, while certainly an interesting case study, is not an all around  good guy, Mr. Donald.  He is a fascinating guy, a smart guy, a guy it was fun to watch serially outwit Obama and his secretaries of state in Syria and around the world… even a  guy you might want to hang out with, ride a few bears with, shoot some Tokarev automatic pistols with– learn some Judo from–but  never mistake him for a geopolitical buddy– he’s not your pal, he’s not your ally, and no, George W. Bush never looked into his eyes and saw his soul. What he saw was sociopathy. So by all means, remain friendly toward Pooty Poot, enjoy his company, and maintain the warmest possible relationship with Russia–but never forget:  When this guy doesn’t like you, he puts polonium-210 in your borscht. Don’t drink the borscht, Mr. Donald–please!

Beats a walk in the birch woods any day, right?

Beats a walk in the birch woods any day, right?

_______________________________

HUGE!

And that’s it for this December, anyhow, Mr. PEOTUSA.  Congratulations, again! Looking forward to your inaugural–which reminds us–we haven’t gotten our invitations yet, are you sure you have the address right? Remember, it’s a cave–so it can be a bit dodgy finding us. Use Federal Express, they know where we live…they always get our copies of National Review here okay–oops–forget we said that. We’re all in your corner now, Donald Sir; and it’s going to be huge!WOOF PRINT

nrimages

ZOMBIES, WITCHES, CLINTONS and KAINE! (WOOF Celebrates Birthday #4; Awash in the Demon Haunted Matrix of 2016!)

In "The horror...the horror!" forum on October 31, 2016 at 9:04 am

tin-foil-dog

As we always explain at the outset of these birthday reviews, it’s once again the anniversary of WOOF’s entrance upon the cyberspacial stage, which is to say, in a less self-absorbed context, that it is once again Halloween. And as we also remark every year, it just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first hesitant and shabbily configured post on October 31, 2012. And here we are, four years later, the same dedicated band of jovial troglodytic counter-revolutionaries ensconced in our secret cave on the rocky coast of the tempestuous Atlantic, wishing ourselves another happy birthday.

Manifest horrors… 

blair

A pretty scary decade!

As alwaysin keeping with the season, we now proceed to document the spookiest phenomena of the year to date, and this–we regret to say–means paying special attention this year to the scariest idea since demonic possession was re-popularized in the ‘70s  (which was a pretty scary decade, by the way), by which we mean Hillary Clinton becoming President. And that thought conjures a variety of terror that aficionados of the horror genre call “manifest.” In a way, it is the least sophisticated aspect of the art—the part of the movie where the monster appears and comes right at you. Sure, it’s scary, but overtly–almost cathartically so–and never quite so viscerally unnerving as the deeper psychological impact of its subtler counterpart, “implicit” terror.

TRUE FACT: Hillary's head does not actually spin around backwards--this is a misconception attributable the fact that certain lighting effects combine with the Secretary's Mao jacket collars to create the illusion of her head facing backwards.

TRUE FACT: Hillary’s head does not actually spin completely around–this is a misconception attributable to the fact that certain lighting effects combine with the Secretary’s Mao jacket collars to create the illusion of her head facing backwards.

For example, think about the parts in those teen slasher flicks where some supernaturally unvanquishable creature—say, Michael Meyers, or the other guy–the guy in the hockey mask–shows himself and begins lumbering after the screaming teenage coed, knife swishing around menacingly, massive figure looming, dead eyes beaming cold homicidality…all on the big screen….that’s manifest horror. Okay, Mrs. Clinton doesn’t have a knife, but otherwise it’s the same idea. The point is that regardless of whether we’re gaping at Jason or Hillary, the threat is right before our eyes, and while our adrenaline may be pumping uncontrollably, there is at least the oddly comforting realization that this is it–a stark confrontation with a malevolent creature from the Pit.  Hillary Clinton increasingly embodies that ghastly mythologem: the malignant crone of a thousand goose-bump-raising folktales–stumbling and wobbling toward the prize as if upheld by some occult force—and we watch helplessly, captives of a waking nightmare. But as in most nightmares, something nameless exerts an even darker influence on our souls, and strikes us with an even greater fear…

And deeper fears….

The most terrifying influences are psychological—and deeply so, in ways that incorporate those equally vital elements: suspense, and trepidation. Isn’t it scarier watching the coeds wander around outdoors with their dorky candles and flashlights, looking for whatever made the creepy noise outside their cabin, than it is to watch the monster chase them? Or at least unsettling in a creepier, more insidious way? These subtler manifestations of the macabre remind us of Lovecraft’s decree that “the oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is…of the unknown.”

“Hello, police? We’d like to report something creepy moving around outside–we think it might be the worldwide totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us!”

The CREEPING UNKNOWN, 2016….

creep-sideAnd what dimly intuited dread gnaws at the peace of mind of everyday, red-blooded Americans, you ask? Well, okay, you didn’t really ask—but since we have a reply ready to hand, we’re going to pretend you did so we can tell you the answer. Perhaps it’s already occurred to you, or you may have jammed it so deeply into your unconscious that it only occasionally pecks at your awareness like an abreactive vulture—but the answer is: All those other Americans! Seriously, who are they?

led-three-livesTake that  TV show about sympathetic communist spies—what makes such a reprehensible formula salable outside the febrile sanctums of Hollywood? How did we get from Richard Carlson punching out commies for America in I Led Three Lives (1953-1956) to the current fare in which good-guy commies punch out properly degenerate capitalistic Americans? You may feel prompted to reply, “Aha, because so many of our fellow citizens are strangely dislocated from the American ethos; that’s what you’re getting at!” And yes, that’s part of the answer—but why do the rest of us watch? We believe a substantial subset of viewers are half-knowingly in search of answers—seeking to understand these others who come advertised as “The Americans.” And our curiosity seems justified given how many others traipsed distraitly to the polls only four years ago to re-elect the first blatantly anti-American president in our national history. Who are these people, and what on earth befell them between birth and their collective transfigurement?  What hidden force controls them; what infernal delusions motivate them?

the_americans

Pod people…!

We haven’t kept count of how many seed-pods-in-the-basement jokes Glenn Beck has made recently, but they’re nothing to laugh at.  The seed-pod trope has endured in popular vernacular longer than its origins have lingered in popular memory. Just as thousands of water-cooler debaters exhort dissenting co-workers to “just keep drinking that kool-aid” without the foggiest notion of what happened in Jonestown, Guiana, so polemicists like Beck avert to “pod people” without giving any particular thought to which pop-cultural event begat the image. But here at WOOF we’ve been giving it plenty of thought. (You probably saw that coming, right?)

film1956-invasionofthebodysnatchers-originalposterThe 1956 film Invasion of the Body Snatchers originated the pod-people allusion. The average citizen may not recall this minor masterpiece from Don Siegel and Walter Wanger, but graduates of college film courses recall it. That’s because contemporary professors of the cinematic arts loftily reference the film as a blatant example of that era’s greatest evil: McCarthyism. The lectures never vary. Students learn that science fiction films of the 1950’s sought to recast the Red Menace as invaders from space, thus offering film-goers a cathartic release from their cold-war “paranoia.” Mostly, of course, this is unvarnished flapdoodle—but in the case of Body Snatchers, the pundits have a valid point. What they uniformly omit from their critiques, of course, is that McCarthy had a valid point too. He saw the Body Snatchers coming.

“Call the FBI!…Oh, wait…”

Are we seriously suggesting that a movie about seed pods from space materializing in peoples’ basements in small town America and gradually growing to resemble and ultimately replace the unsuspecting townsfolk, offers some sort of vital sociopolitical insight for our times?  Yes. In fact, what critic Leonard Maltin called the picture’s “McCarthy-era subtext” powerfully depicts the undiscerning insouciance of ordinary Americans who fail to notice friends, loved ones, and trusted authorities transforming into monotonic doppelgangers bent on subverting the very culture they inhabit. The town physician (played by the coincidentally appellated Kevin McCarthy) notices, but he can’t get anyone to believe him. Aware that the pod people replace humans while they sleep, the doctor fills his pockets with Benzedrine, grabs his extremely beautiful if incongruously British fiancée (Dana Wynter) and makes a break for it.

2778747162_c745576aef

Sad to say Dana dozes off for a moment and she awakens a gosh darned communist pod person from space– but we still love her.

“Yes, it’s an emergency!”

Dana must have forgotten to take her Benzedrine because she falls asleep and gets co-opted by the space commies, but (Kevin) McCarthy escapes to a neighboring town where he  explains the situation to law enforcement. Understandably, the cops send in a psychiatrist who is about to ship our hero off to a padded cell when suddenly, compelling evidence turns up from another source that verifies his story. The last line in the movie is spoken by the suddenly-persuaded psychiatrist who snatches up the office phone and thunders, “Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Yes, it’s an emergency!

Future Democrat voters.

Future Democrat voters.

Today, the creepiest mystery haunting America is the rationally incomprehensible transformation of nearly half the population into what less gracious blogs might call brainwashed, zombified stooges. Who are these pod citizens who pursue their petty amusements while the Constitution is mocked, the President legislates, Supreme Court Justices toy with their fundamental liberties, and our exchequer is bled dry? Who are the Americans shrugging indifferently as their health care is sabotaged, their children rendered clueless by Common Core, their safety jeopardized by government-approved racial strife, their Joint Chiefs replaced with sycophantic careerists, their Internet handed off to a consortium of thugs, and their economy deliberately incapacitated? Do these people have seed pods in their basements? Are they the hapless victims of some sinister mind-control device? Oh, and about that….

WOOF’s annual THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE award….

In case this segment frightens you, the liberal media have even produced a book proving there is no such thing as the liberal media--you may find it soothing!

In case this segment frightens you, the liberal media have even produced a book proving there is no such thing as the liberal media–you may find it comforting.

Speaking of sinister mind control,the liberal media receive this year’s thing-that-would-not-die award. Of all the cultural monstrosities that beleaguer us, they remain the most conspicuously undead. The final phases of journalistic decomposition, like the final throes of rabies, seem to be the most frenzied and delirious. True, this may be the last major election the media can so shamelessly skew. Surveys suggest that only 6 percent of Americans trust the news nowadays, and (mirabile dictu!) Democrats trust it more than all other categories of respondents. The willingness of pod-voters to cast off the blessings of liberty in exchange for statism’s illusory gewgaws may be at least partly ascribable to massive doses of daily media misdirection.

Runner up: Carlos Danger rides again!

Runner up: Carlos Danger rides again!

Today, even if some freshly aroused citizen were to suddenly take note of the creeping terror at his doorstep, snatch up his phone and demand, ““Operator, get me the Federal Bureau of Investigation!” What good would it do? When James Comey proves unwilling to pursue justice if the result might embarrass the Clinton political machine; and subsequent revelations reveal that the Bureau’s chief function during the Hillary investigation consisted of handing out immunity to her accomplices like party favors–it becomes obvious that even America’s vaunted G-Men have slumbered, and fallen victim to the Body Snatchers. But this brings us to RUNNER UP for our thing-that-would-not-die categorythe perennial Anthony Weiner! If we can credit the latest news flashes, Director Comey now seems poised to redeem his organization by renewing the Clinton investigation; and this because “new evidence” has appeared—and the “new evidence” comes, apparently, by way of the Bureau’s investigation of the Weiner scandal–meaning that Hillary may be sucked into “Weinergate” through Huma Abedin’s cell phone. And that, Woofeteers, is a sentence that could only have been written this Halloween!

_____________________________________________

It takes a GLOBAL village?

Cardinal Sarah--another one of those uppity out-of-towners lecturing America's

Cardinal Sarah–another one of those uppity out-of-towners who doesn’t understand progress.

At May’s National Catholic Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C., Cardinal Robert Sarah opined that in the United States, “God is being eroded, eclipsed,liquidated, in the name of ‘tolerance’.” As evidence, Sarah cited “the legalization of same sex marriage, the obligation to accept contraception within health care programs, and ‘bathroom bills’ that allow men to use women’s restrooms and locker rooms.”  And as if that weren’t offensive enough to the sensibilities of his contemporaries, the Cardinal ended with an even more intolerable microaggression, asking “Should not a biological man use the men’s restroom?” But then, Cardinal Sarah is from Guinea, West Africa, and can be forgiven the archaic bias or two.  It is peculiar, isn’t it, how often a proper understanding of multiculturalism seems lost on foreigners!

alimages

Yes, globalism’s mission to spread the joys of corporatist collusion, U.N. corruption and “social justice” by fiat,  may be threatened by a handful of theological reactionaries. Fay Voshell, for instance, argued in the September 4th American Thinker that globalism constitutes a form of secular religion conducing toward a “world order in which all men pay allegiance to elite priests who rule over a World City without national borders.”  Demonstrating a theological mind set completely at odds with America’s mainstream churches, Voshell went on to argue that such concepts are, in fact, objectionable.  Wallace Henley, senior associate pastor of 2nd Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, called “the global governance scenario” “terrifying,” while Pastor Jim Garlow of Skyline Church in San Diego went so far as to call globalism “demonic at its core.” Globalism, it seems, has a bitter-clinger problem.

Professor Rabkin, contra mundi.so to speak.

Professor Rabkin, contra mundi.so to speak.

Not all opponents of globalism are Bible-belt rustics, however.  George Mason University Law School Professor Jeremy Rabkin–who is immune to accusations of fundamentalist dementia by virtue of being Jewish, which means that people like Hillary can only deprecate his heritage privately or in emails–published The Case for Sovereignty: Why The World Should Welcome American Independence, in which he argues for American exceptionalism, a concept uniformly appalling to Leftists.  More to the point, Rabkin told an interviewer that globalism is “a little creepy, a little uncanny. It’s basically saying ‘We are going to organize the world in a way that establishes an artificial consensus.’ It’s not enough to say it’s undemocratic. It’s threatening; it’s almost demonic.”

The devil, you say!

Well, what if it’s not almost demonic? In 2004, an official decree from Pope John Paul II instructed every Catholic diocese to appoint a qualified exorcist.  Pope Francis, despite his reputation for exhibiting dishearteningly progressive views on sundry matters, is known to support the rite of exorcism wholeheartedly. In fact, Francis himself performed an informal exorcism on a wheelchair-bound parishioner two years ago. What’s up?

blairimages

SPOILER ALERT!  Linda Blair remembered a lot in Exorcist II, although Richard Burton was drunk throughout filming and claimed not to remember anything. Actually, Linda looks a lot better here than the film ever did.

hillary use itWe have a very secularized society in which, more than in the past, there’s the tendency to open the doors to occultism,” explains Father Pedro Barrajon, director of the Vatican’s Instituto Sacerdos. Fortunately there are experts on hand like Italian priest Gabriele Amorth, who has personally cast out 160,000 demons and heads the Catholic International Association of Exorcists—did you know that was even a thing? Amorth’s organization agrees that demonic activity is on the rise—and warns against such subtle seductions as ouija boards…and  yoga.  Suddenly Hillary’s rush to delete those 30,000 yoga-related emails makes sense!

Fr. Amorth believes priests should exorcise frequently.

Fr. Amorth believes priests should exorcise regularly.

Father Amorth went public earlier this month with concerns that his Church may not be able to hold the line against Lucifer.  In Italy, at least, young priests are quailing at the thought of performing exorcisms, declaring the process too terrifying. “There are only nine of us left and many more are needed,” Amorth lamented. “We need other priests like me to meet the needs of so many families.”

Fortunately, Americans are made of sterner stuff.  Sociologist Michael Cuneo insists that “Exorcism is more readily available today in the United States than perhaps ever before,” adding that “there are at least five or six hundred evangelical exorcism ministries in operation today, and quite possibly two or three times this many.” But to date, only Mexico has undergone a national exorcism. Last May, Spain’s noted exorcism expert, Fr José Antonio Fortea, joined forces with Cardinal Juan Sandoval Íñiguez, Archbishop Emeritus of Guadalajara in performing the rare “exorcismo magno,” an effort to deliver the entire country from demonic possession.  Should the United States contemplate such a self-administered cleansing? Or just build a wall in case the effort in Mexico fails?

index

Demons even go viral in sonograms—like the one featured in The Daily Mail last January.   The sonogram is real, although the mother prefers to remain anonymous. The Mail’s readers claimed to see a demonic entity watching the developing baby.  WOOF’s Readers may be relieved to learn that several authenticated sonograms have also appeared in which an image of Jesus was detected, (see example below for reassurance).

abortion-13-689x365-720x381

ISIS actually blew up the original temple of Baal last August because Baal was not a Muslim. The UN called the action a war crime, and then broke for tea..

ISIS actually blew up the original temple last August because Baal isn’t a Muslim. The UN called the action “a war crime,” and then broke for lunch.

And as if  all that weren’t weird enough, author Michael Snyder warns that near-exact replicas of the arch  over the entrance to the Temple of Baal in Palmyra, Syria, have been constructed in Times Square and  Trafalgar Square. Reuters confirmed the simultaneous unveilings, timed, many believe, to coincide with the occult festival of Baal. Sources including Breitbart and O’Reilly have featured reports about the twin arches, which Snyder fears will serve as “giant welcome signs for the Antichrist.” “From this point forward,”  he predicts, ” things are going to get much, much stranger.” We at WOOF are prepared to go out on a limb, and endorse Snyder’s prediction!

There have been signs!

Meanwhile, the baffling fascination insects display for socialist totalitarians-manque continues to dominate our “signs” category. Not only did bees pester Obama everywhere he went during his first term–he seemed incapable of keeping flies from landing on his face during speeches. Many dismissed this as happenstance, and sensibly reasoned that if insects were sending  other-worldly messages by swarming Obama, they would presumably target other progressive reprobates. This quieted our nerves at WOOF until the second Hillary/Trump debate. Hillary no sooner began screaking about her absurd plan to enforce a Syrian “no-fly zone,” than a fly planted itself determinedly above her left eye. Naturally this led us to consult Grayson Moseley Straith, WOOF’s own paranormal adviser, regarding the portent of these manifestations. Grayson replied that evidence of demonic involvement would be lacking, “unless the individuals made no effort to swat or wipe away the insects–as though powerless to do so.”  So now we’re really worried!
untitled

Guess who!

The New Yorker takes a surprisingly incisive editorial stance on the matter....

The New Yorker took a surprisingly enlightened editorial stance on the matter….

Even worse! The Antichrist is Barack Hussein Obama. We didn’t say that, Michelle Bachmann did–or at least she pretty much did. Check her out here. The beautiful conservative and former House member insists that Obama’s next ambition is to assume the top slot at the United Nations “and become King of the World.”  Despite the high regard in which we hold the congresswoman, WOOF continues to believe that Rappin’ Preezy is too sissified and dorky to qualify as the Antichrist.  For that matter, the United Nations is pretty sissified and dorky too…so we maintain that while Obama may be possessed,  he is almost certainly not the Antichrist. We qualify our opinion only because SNOPES bothered to rebut Bachmann’s claims at great length, thereby lending  them a modicum of credence.

Annual Halloween WITCH HUNT update!

High Commissioner Benjamin--further proof if any were needed that the Empire is finished.

High Commissioner Benjamin–further proof if any were needed that the British Empire is finished.

Our yearly witch-hunt update begins in sub-West Africa where the Republic of Ghana is rounding up thousands of alleged witches and stuffing them into internment camps. British High Commissioner Jon Benjamin felt prompted to demand the camps be closed. Obviously a man with little regard for multiculturalism, Benjamin bridled at suggestions he should respect local beliefs, rejoining, “Personally, I believe in the 21st Century it’s time to say there is no such thing as a witch and to decry the practice of using such a term to dehumanise vulnerable women.”  To what extent the Commissioner’s comments may have offended Wiccans is not immediately clear, but they made no discernible impression on the Ghanaians.

TRUE FACT: Despite their negative image, many witches are disturbingly attractive and should not be viewed naked without proper precautions!

TRUE FACT: Despite their popular image as hags and crones, many witches are disturbingly attractive and should not be viewed naked except by trained professionals!

Socialists everywhere may wish to pay special heed to the Republic of Benin this year, where the government announced that witchcraft explains why some people are more successful than others, and proposed state-sponsored counter-magical efforts to ensure an even playing field for its citizens.  Perhaps “income inequality” is banishable by magic? President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia, meanwhile, complains that he’s the target of evil spells. Despite Amnesty International’s objections, Gambia has already arrested over 1,000 witches suspected of anti-Jammehian spellweaving. Not to be outdone, Saudi Arabia has now created a total of nine anti-witchcraft bureaus which, according to the Arab News, have “achieved remarkable success.” In a recent case, witch-busters broke into the home of a suspected sorceress who, according to authorities, was caught in the act of casting a spell while naked, but eluded arrest by flying out her window, “like a bird!” Her flying abilities apparently gave way a few blocks from her apartment and she plunged through a rooftop, landing near a bed filled with sleeping children. There, the Witch Police found her unconscious and cuffed her before she could regain her senses and fly off.

Actual Saudi TV image of fallen witch. Fortunately, she's okay--disappointingly, she appears clothed. Her subsequent fate is unknown.

Actual Saudi TV image of fallen witch, stunned, but unrepentant.

According to the Times of India for March 17th, Agra played host toa horrifying incident, [in which] a man, who suspected his sister-in-law of practicing witchcraft and black magic on his family, chopped off her head with a sharp edged chopper in village Gadhia in the Mainpuri district of Uttar Pradesh on Thursday.”  The man, one Uttam (making him Uttam from Uttar, but we digress), blamed his sister-in-law, Dhandevi, the deceased alleged witch, for performing rites of sorcery leading to the death of his brother Thakur. We cannot help mentioning, in the interest of objectivity, that the Times’ most upvoted comment regarding the incident came from one Harrison H. McDonald, who remarked:

witch2

Cackling Witch” (stock photo)

“The fellow could have been correct. There are lots of witches flying around out there. One of them is running for President of the United States.”

And while we note that Mr. McDonald did not specify a candidate, evidence that Hillary is an occultic witch of the Illuminati is abundantly available at various Internet locations like this one. And lest you dismiss such conjecture out of hand, gentle readers, consider that the international belief in witchcraft remains surprisingly robust. Even in the civilized West a poll of Canadians and British subjects found that 13 percent believed in witches, while almost a quarter of Americans do. Naturally, WOOF made an exhaustive effort to locate survey data indicating what percentage of likely voters would knowingly support a witch’s presidential candidacy, but surprisingly, no such studies exist.

_____________________________________

“You mean, like Democrats?”

ghost-breakersindexZombies are bigger than ever, of course– which continues to baffle those of us who thought they hit their stride when they recorded “She’s Not There”– but films, TV programs, and video games remain infested with the creatures. So what, exactly, is a zombie? Our favorite description derives from the 1940 comedy classic Ghost Breakers. In the film, Bob Hope and co-star Paulette Goddard find themselves in the tropics and beset by zombies. Baffled, they ask a local (played by Richard Carlson) for advice. Carlson explains that zombies have been raised from the dead. “That sounds horrible!” Goddard gasps. “It’s worse than horrible,” Carlson tells her,”because a zombie has no will of his own. You see them sometimes, walking around blindly, with dead eyes–following orders, not knowing what they do–not caring.” Hearing this, Hope asks “You mean like Democrats?”

The zombie Democrat theory got a boost of sorts when Hillary continued campaigning after her death was announced by ABC news.  On the evening of Hillary’s panicky exit from the 9/11 memorial followed by her sidewalk collapse, anchorman Joe Torres began his six o’clock news broadcast on New York’s WABC by saying, “Good evening. We begin with Hillary Clinton’s death.”  Adding to the episode’s surreal atmosphere, the program’s co-anchor continued smiling placidly through Torres’s dire pronouncement, as though she considered it settled history. Pressured for the facts, WABC dismissed Torres’s shocking lead as “a misstatement,” but rumor held that in reality, Torres had departed from contemporary journalistic standards and blurted out the truth.  The rumor gained stature when a tweet materialized purporting to show a screen shot of ABC’s webpage confirming that Clinton “died under hospital treatment at Montefiore Medical Hospital.”  In a rational era, the subsequent inability of anybody to locate such a posting on ABC’s site might have sufficed to discredit the tweet as a hoax; but in Obama’s America–where liberal news networks notoriously expunge or dramatically alter any website items displeasing to their DNC overlords–the post was rumored to have been stricken on orders from the campaign.

Cruel hoax, or yet another example of accidental journalism?

Cruel hoax, or accidental journalism?

Rumors quickly multiplied, including the notion that the woman who emerged feeling “great!” from Chelsea Clinton’s apartment was Hillary’s body double.  Twitter and the blogosphere blazed with support for this theory, mostly highlighting the putative differences in Mrs. Clinton’s figure and/or physiognomy before and after her widely viewed face-plant into her limousine. But even more ghoulish possibilities haunt our thoughts in the WOOF cave. After all, could a body double replace Hillary and also stumble like her? Screech like her? Pop her eyes out or cough like her, or phrase obviously focus-grouped rhetoric in those same painfully artificial tones?  It seems impossible. Which brings us to…..

WOOF’S SECOND ANNUAL “COLANDER OF DOOM” AWARD

colkidsindexWhat if Hillary recently underwent a head transplant? No, really. The internationally-renowned neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero (this year’s recipient of our Colander-of-Doom award) proposed the transplantation of human heads several years ago, explaining the process in a series of scientifically credible monographs detailing his plans  to re-animate lifeless bodies (after attaching his patients’ heads to them) with massive jolts of electrical current. In keeping with this markedly Gothic paradigm, Dr. Canavero turned to Germany for funding. “Today, I am officially asking Germany to help me realize the first cephalosomatic anastomosis in human history on German soil,” he announced, imploring Germans to “live up to what you are, a country that has set standards in medicine and technology for centuries.” Okay, that’s a little creepy.

Famed Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavera upon receiving word that Germany will sponsors his head transplants--what could possibly go wrong?

Famed Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero receiving word that Germany will sponsor his head transplants–note his telltale Hillary-style  Mao jacket!

But even as Canavero petitioned the Fatherland, a seemingly unrelated  news item surfaced in an unlikely venue. The Washington Post reviewed Hillary’s misdeeds as Secretary of State in a manner shockingly close to the truth, concluding that “rarely, if ever, has a potential commander in chief been so closely associated with an organization [her own Foundation] that has solicited financial support from foreign governments.” And of the governments named, the United Arab Emirates and Germany figured most prominently. And since no thinking person would consider having her head transplanted in the United Arab Emirates, that leaves Germany, whose financiers’  interactions with the Clinton Cartel almost certainly include machinations that could prove ruinous if exposed. In such an atmosphere, a mutual willingness to grant occasional favors is understandable. One such favor might involve an affirmative response to Dr. Canavero’s seemingly ridiculous demand for funding. And indeed, just when things looked bleakest for cephalosomatic anastomosis, German funds were made available.  True, WOOF has not yet obtained specific evidence that Mrs.Clinton was secretly transported to Germany for a head transplant, but like James Comey–our investigation continues.

_______________________________

The unquiet dead…

img_kraske_20150814_slk__6_1_mo5il3o3_l149207286

Newman (premorbid), and large flower (background).

And lest you suppose, gentle readers, that zombies and politics never mix, consider how often dead people win elections! Take the case of Kansas City Councilwoman Hila “Dutch” Bucher Newman (D.) who ruled as Grande Dame of Missouri’s liberal establishment for decades.  Mrs Newman died of old age–thrilled that she had survived to see Hillary Clinton (whom she eulogized routinely) receive the presidential nomination.  And despite nationwide torrents of dutifully hagiographic testimonials lamenting her demise,  Councilwoman Dutch Newman was re-elected  on Aug. 3rd, one week after dying at age 95.  Nobody, apparently, dared suggest she relinquish her seat.

haleindex

Boggs, flying high even in absentia

Also in Missouri, back in 2000, a lifeless Governor Mel Carnahan (D) defeated incumbent U.S. Senator John Ashcroft (R). The Governor was known to have died in a plane crash a month earlier, but he somehow managed to soldier on, winning the seat from Ashcroft who was certifiably alive, although never ostentatiously so. And in keeping with our Halloween missing-aircraft tradition, what about House Majority Leader Hale Boggs and Rep. Nick Begich? The plane carrying both politicians disappeared over Alaska on Oct. 16th, 1972–and not a trace of them or their plane was ever found despite exhaustive searching.  And if you think that’s spooky, consider this–not one, but both missing Democrats won re-election. Coincidence?

Florida Democrat Earl K. Wood died several weeks before the 2012 election yet managed to secure a twelfth term as Orange County’s Tax Collector in Orlando, Florida.  In 2010, Carl Geary won a landslide Mayoral victory in Tracy City, Tennessee, despite dying a month earlier. In 2009, Mayor Harry Stonebraker (D), was laid to rest weeks before he was swept to re-election by 90 percent of the vote in Winfield, Missouri. In 2008, Patsy Mink died of pneumonia one week after winning the Democratic primary for Hawaii’s second congressional district, but mysteriously remained on the ballot and won hands down, as it were.

Theodore S. Weiss--endorsed by the NYT despite being dead.

Theodore S. Weiss–endorsed by the NYT despite being dead.

Back in 1992 the New York Times endorsed Ted Weiss for re-election to congress from Manhattan’s West Side. The article acknowledged that Weiss was dead, having succumbed to heart failure days earlier, but encouraged voters to support his ticket anyway inasmuch as Weiss’s opponent was “a right-wing extremist.”  In those days, of course, the Times had subscribers–many of whom filed obediently to the poles handing Weiss a post-morbid walkaway (so to speak) of 54,168 votes to the hapless extremist’s 7,560.  The grisly question naturally presents itself–how many dead Democrat candidates are elected by majorities of equally dead Democrat voters?

zombie1Alarm was raised earlier this year concerning this very issue when J. Christian Adam, former Voting Section Attorney at the US Department of Justice, confirmed that “Dead people are voting!” As evidence, Adam cited a Pew Charitable Trust review of national voting roles that turned up nearly four million dead people who were deemed likely voters, many of whom appear to exercise their franchise regularly from beyond the grave. Astonishingly, irrespective of their politics when alive, dead people almost always vote a straight Democratic ticket—is that because their brains are decaying?

Madonna

Madonna, vowing to make the dead grateful?

And as a postscript to these concerns, surely the emerging data cast an entirely different light on Madonna’s mid-October vow to perform oral sex on everyone who votes for Hillary Clinton this November–the sheer numbers alone seem daunting, and then there’s the whole abuse-of-a-corpse problem. But on the other hand, perhaps she intends to breathe new life (see what we did there?) into the long-foundering Horror Porn genre.

____________________________________

evil clown

Creepy clown sightings…third annual report! 

We at WOOF have been way out in front when it comes to creepy clowns. We began warning you about them in our 2nd birthday post back in 2014, and yet there are more of them now than ever–sort of like liberal celebrities. But the important distinction is that creepy clowns are elusive–and considerably less funny. And now, actual non-creepy clowns are in an uproar about the phenomenon.  In fact, we now have an official statement from the World Clown Association to the effect that “People dressed as horror clowns are not ‘real clowns.’ They are taking something innocent and wholesome and perverting it to create fear in their audience.” Accordingly, scores of professional clowns are preparing to participate in a Clown Lives Matter demonstration [which sounds clownishly microaggressive, but who are we to judge?] Nationally-respected talk show host Howie Carr, whose probity we deem unassailable), reports the WCA issued a statement denying that Democrat vice-presidential candidate Tim Kaine is one of them. Kaine meanwhile has yet to address charges that he may be a creepy clown, and WOOF’s inquiries to his office remain (we think tellingly) unanswered. Creepy clowns, meanwhile, are spreading through more states, apparently undeterred by the Worldwide Clown Association’s reprimands.

1044831114

An authentic creepy clown photo verified by WOOF’s own Science and the Paranormal Directorate which affirms the photo shows real spooky clowns–not suspended models, inflated figures, or members of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Aw, see--now who did that? Some mean people on Twitter, probably--haters!

Tim Kaine–Aw, see–now who did that? Some mean people on Twitter, probably–haters!

Vigilant authorities in Alabama warn that anyone complicit in that state’s outbreak of clown appearances will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law—whichever law that might be.  In Dublin, Georgia, clowns were implicated in at least one auto accident. Police Chief Tim Chatman told local station 11 Alive that “it was a family member that reported it several hours later — that it was the reason why this accident occurred; because someone was in the road dressed like a clown.” Pressed for details, the Chief added,“We can’t say for certain that someone hasn’t seen anyone looking like a clown.”

v2-wascoclownWhen Lebanon, Tennessee experienced a series of clown encounters, the Tennessee Highway Patrol responded swiftly. One Coffee County student claimed she was attacked by one of the baffling bozos, although the story proved difficult to confirm in the absence of the clown. The Highway Patrol’s official bulletin on the subject encouraged citizens to be on the lookout for “suspicious clowns.” And clowns fitting that description turned up soon thereafter in neighboring South Carolina and Kentucky. In South Carolina, citizens of Greenville report a “clown flap” which began on August 21st  when coulrophobic callers lit up the switchboard at the Greenville police station.  The police were not amused—indeed, the Greenville police chief assured concerned residents that “clowning around will not be tolerated [because] It’s illegal. It’s dangerous. And it’s inappropriate…” and yet inappropriate clowns continue to manifest themselves in South Carolina and at least twelve other states. This has, you may be sure, drawn the attention of the Obama administration (also beset by clowns) which announced only this month that spooky clowns are “sinister,” and to be “taken seriously.” A spokesman for the President told reporters that the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security “have been consulted on how to handle the scare.”  So, one assumes the President is focused on the problem like a laser, and a line in the sand may shortly be drawn. Despite these reassuring measures, a newly-released poll from Chapman University shows that 42 percent of Americans are afraid of clowns, whereas only 32 percent are afraid of climate change. We bet the overlap is considerable.

America strikes back!

“Not funny!”

Meanwhile, citizens have taken matters into their own hands, which is usually more efficient in the age of Obama.  During a creepy-clown outbreak in Athens, Georgia, an eleven-year-old girl was discovered with a knife in school. According to police the girl insisted she was carrying the knife “to protect her and her family because she had heard the stories about clowns jumping out of the woods and attacking children.”  The story fails to recount how police dealt with the young lady–presumably they commended her civic-mindedness.

When three creepy clowns showed up in Compton, California, they were confronted by angry locals, one of whom dispensed with formalities and landed a right cross on the nearest clown’s jaw. This sent the harlequins scampering–which is difficult in clown shoes. On October 5th, a creepy clown crept up on a car only to be assaulted by the occupants who beat him nearly unconscious with a baseball bat before discovering he was a friend attempting to frighten them. (Better safe, we think, than sorry!) On the same evening, a creepy clown confronted a woman in Auburn, Maine, formed a gloved hand to resemble a gun, and whispered “Bang!”  Maine, however, is a legal-carry state, and when the 49-year-old woman pulled her 9 mm automatic, the clown chose the better part of valor and beat feet.

clown-shoes____________________________________

SCARY COSTUMES AND MASKS AWARD

2016new-us-font-b-president-b-font-candidate-hillary-clinton-latex-font-b-mask-b-font

Amazingly lifelike, seasonably terrifying, yet oddly unsalable!

Every fourth Halloween, newscasters rush around interviewing costume shop clerks, revisiting the decades-old hypothesis that mask sales predict election results. This year, we haven’t seen any such stories, possibly because “Trump is the most costume-marketable candidate in history,” according to Courtland Hickey, general manager of Chicago Costume. Thus, the Trumpster is this category’s clear winner. Oddly, despite Hillary leading the polls throughout September and most of October, trick-or-treaters are shunning her masks and stocking up on Trump costumes. Also, where is the fashion craze Mrs. Clinton’s day-glo Mao-Tse-Tung outfits should have ignited? The media unanimously hail her wardrobe as “trendy,” but–where’s the trend? Why aren’t progressive women bursting into toney fashion boutiques, demanding pantsuits à la  Hillary? Not since Braniff Airlines painted its passenger jets all sorts of voguish colors (before going bankrupt) has so much eyeball-busting variety been available to the fashion-conscious socialist, yet to date, only Angela Merkel seems to have caught the spirit.

pantsuits

Stronger together? So why aren’t feminists everywhere disporting themselves in outfits like these–from the ‘Hillary Line’ of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s fall collection?

ALIENS FROM SPACE….

aliens among us!John Podesta is our 2016 winner in this category. Bill Clinton’s former Chief of Staff and Hillary’s current campaign chairman is a longtime UFO enthusiast, but that, as the Clintons like to say, is old news. Recent revelations from Wikileaks, however, expose the full intensity of Podesta’s obsession. By his own admission, Podesta tried, during Bill Clinton’s second term, to persuade the Air Force and CIA to allow the White House access to files on Roswell, Area 51, and other saucerological mysteries–but the military-intelligence establishment wouldn’t budge.  Recent Asange revelations make clear that Podesta’s interest in ufology only intensified as a result, and drew him into an utterly bizarre exchange of emails, beginning in 2015, with one Tom DeLonge, the lead singer for the rock band Blink-182, which nobody at WOOF ever heard of, although that’s not particularly damning.  At any rate, DeLonge persuaded Podesta that he, DeLonge, was receiving secret information from at least “ten  highly placed sources inside the U.S. government,” each of whom seemed a virtual wellspring of deeply classified UFO secrets.

Tom DeLonge--John Podesta's personal adviser on ufological affairs.

Tom DeLonge–John Podesta’s personal adviser on UFO affairs.

Bask for a moment in the wonderful ridiculousness of this, Woofketeers! The President’s chief of staff demands facts about flying saucers on behalf of the nation’s Commander in Chief,  and is told by the nation’s military and intelligence elites to pound sand.  Yet these same elites can barely restrain their enthusiasm for handing top-secret UFO files over to  a second-tier rock singer whose familiarity with government seems confined to having once recorded a song entitled “Enema of the State,” and a whirlwind bromance with John Kerry. Following a nervous breakdown, Delonge found himself suddenly in awe of Kerry’s “brilliance” and tagged along on the Massachusetts Senator’s stumble-bum 2004 presidential campaign after which he proclaimed Kerry had changed his life. His band seemed to agree: they expelled DeLonge, telling reporters he’d become “paranoid and mentally ill,”  a diagnosis that, although clinically tautological, seems otherwise shrewd.

Tom, John, and the Fragile Divisions

tom-delonge

Delonge, after prolonged exposure to John Kerry.

DeLonge’s recent emails to Podesta reveal his acquisition of two “military advisers” whom he implores Podesta to meet, adding “I think you will find them very interesting, as they were principal leadership relating to our sensitive topic. Both were in charge of most fragile [sic] divisions, as it [sic] relates to Classified Science and DOD topics. Other words [sic], these are A-Level officials.”  As Podesta’s replies have yet to leak, we can only imagine his jubilation upon realizing his luck. Here he was, corresponding with the only rock burnout on earth who possessed his own military advisor (in fact two such advisors) and even better: advisors fresh from commanding the nation’s “most fragile divisions.” Better still, Podesta is collaborating with DeLonge on a UFO documentary scheduled for release in 2017–in time to be suitably mocked in WOOF’s next annual birthday post.

___________________________________

Mysterious Disappearances….

ameliaEveryone knows that the strangest disappearance since WOOF’s last anniversary was over 30,000 yoga items and wedding invitations vanishing from Hillary Clinton’s private email server(s). This mystery so preoccupied conservative media that its equally mysterious corollary, the disappearance of any trenchant reporting on the subject by anyone in the mainstream media, went largely unremarked. And besides all those yoga emails vanishing into cyberspace, recently leaked FBI notes reveal that two boxes containing Hillary’s printed emails also vanished!  When the State Department’s Office of Information Programs (IPS) first audited them, fourteen boxes of emails were stacked at Secretary Clinton’s Friendship Heights office awaiting FBI examination–but when agents arrived to retrieve the boxes, there were only twelve (insert Twilight Zone music here).  Ever alert, the agents promptly spotted this subtle discrepancy and moved swiftly to detain an IPS official for questioning. Under pressure, the IPS functionary revealed that it was “difficult to say what could have happened.” which apparently mollified the agents, who departed with the twelve boxes that remained.  Shortly afterwards, however, an additional mystery cropped up when all references to the two missing boxes included in the FBI’s official report also completely vanished!

assangeimages

Just as eerily, Julian Assange’s Internet access disappeared without a trace, leaving the Wikileaker temporarily incommunicado at London’s Ecuadorian Embassy where he remains a virtual prisoner. Wikileaks officials insisted Assange’s connection was “intentionally severed by a state party,” which reminds us that Hillary wanted to “drone” Wikileaks while she was Secretary of State. Luckily for Wikileaks, Mrs. Clinton fell during the subsequent Benghazi crisis, bumped her head, and forgot nearly everything she’d said or done while in office, thus her animosity toward Asange was almost certainly erased.  So, we don’t think Mrs. Clinton severed Assange’s link. First, by her own admission, she knows nothing about computers. Second, the leaks were clearly of no concern to her campaign, as demonstrated by the DNC’s assurances that the leaked  anti-semitic, anti-Catholic, anti-Latino, anti-American, and anti-Bernie messages were “no big deal.” Obviously, then, Hillary lacked both motive and means.

________________________________

Escaping Certain Death….

indexEach October we review predictions of imminent doom, so our readers can plan accordingly– but first, let’s examine the ones that missed.  We begin with thanks offered a merciful God, for fending off, again this year, the horrors of Global Warming. This year marked a major milestone given Al Gore’s Oscar-winning prediction that major coastal cities would be submerged by 2016. Unremitting super hurricanes, due to render our seaports uninhabitable,were equally conspicuous in their absence, just as confirmed reports of drowned polar bears remained constant at last year’s level of zero, perhaps because the levels of arctic ice are actually increasing.

Professor Wieslaw Maslowski of the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterrey, California, solemnly foretold the complete absence of polar ice by 2016. Similarly, celebrated climatologist Peter  Wadhams of Cambridge University produced the widely-heralded book A Farewell to Ice, predicting the complete disappearance of arctic ice, even as figures released this September show 21 percent more polar ice than in 2012. We could easily proceed to name dozens of equally-respected experts who fingered this year as mankind’s last opportunity to glimpse icebergs or snow, but we are too overcome with relief at our deliverance.  Deus magnus est.

The Prophet Micah--so misunderstood--it's probably a good thing he's minor.

The Prophet Micah–so misunderstood–it’s probably a good thing he’s minor.

Not only did Hurricane Matthew fall miserably short of expectations–we also survived the entire month of May, which was fraught with peril! For instance,the planet Mercury entered alignment  with the Sun and Earth on May 9th. True this happens thirteen times each century, but the website Prophetico insisted that this time Mercury meant business. A new lunar cycle reduced the moon to a crescent at the apex of Mercury’s alignment–so as Prophetico put it: “The moon itself has been turned into a sickle, so literally turning Orion’s club into a mace as he strikes the lion’s whelp along the cheek, during the transit [of Mercury].” Supposedly this meant worldwide destruction, and/or the return of Christ, as allegedly predicted in the book of Micah—only evidently not. Suffice it that we survived to confront the deathly curse of the Blue Moon.

Black and blue….

blueimagesThe Blue Moon was scheduled to destroy us all on May 21st because it was the fourth full moon in one season—so psychics and tarot readers took to the Internet announcing the end of days. Mercifully, the Blue Moon came and went without incident. But this left us at the mercy of the Black Moon. As opposed to the Blue Moon, the Black Moon of September 27th was the result of the regular moon’s illuminated hemisphere passing under Earth’s shadow. Worse, this particular black moon followed fast upon the heels of a ‘ring of fire’ solar eclipse, which is why legions of astrologers, Internet prophets and religionists predicted worldwide destruction, and/or the return of Christ. As readers are presumably aware, neither event ensued.  This allowed humankind time to catch a breath or two before confronting a far more scientifically supportable problem: Aliens!

62d464b84d4bb3e7861fed1eba75550a

Hawking, the Inscrutable

images-1

TRUE FACT: Despite his countless commitments and intellectual undertakings, Dr. Hawking remains a lifelong fan of the original Mickey Mouse Club!

Indeed, no less an authority on absolutely everything than the ubiquitous Stephen Hawking once again cautioned earth’s inhabitants against “announcing our presence to any alien civilizations that might be out there, especially those that could be more technologically advanced.” If our radio telescopes finally document intelligent signals from some distant planet, Hawking advises “hang up!” because “Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”

earthvsdownloadWOOF understands that Stephen Hawking is far too intelligent for those of us hobbled by less stratified intellects to fully comprehend, but we are confessedly bollixed. First, we wish Dr. Hawking would explain whether we should continue crediting his concerns that AI (artificial intelligence) will shortly contrive to exterminate mankind, or whether these worries are now superannuated by threats of extraterrestrials following our radio transmissions here and invading, or whether these events are expected to occur simultaneously. Moreover, if contacting alien civilizations invites catastrophe, why is Dr. Hawking enthusiastically promoting his “Breakthrough: Starshot” initiative, which intends–suicidally, one might infer–to launch “nanocraft” packed with news about our planet in the direction of neighboring star systems?

departure-of-columbus-from-palos

“No, moron! This is some Godforsaken place called Guanahani–so like I kept telling you, Fort Lauderdale’s that way!”

Also, we humbly implore Dr. Hawking to share whatever groundbreaking research he possesses linking “Native Americans” with Columbus. Until now, we thought it embarrassingly fatuous of American Indian activists to assemble each Columbus Day to bemoan the exploitation, rape, and murder of their ancestors by Columbus, mainly because Columbus never set foot in North America–indeed, the only “Indians” Columbus “discovered,” were inhabitants of the Bahamas, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic, none of whom, ironically, bothers protesting the fact.  But if Hawking can place Columbus in, say, Beaufort, or Port St. Lucie, we stand ready to rethink the entire matter!

___________________________________

They’re here….

And who would know more about extraterrestrial life forms than a real live--well--recently alive--astronaut?

And who would know more about extraterrestrial life  than a real live–well–recently alive–astronaut?

Finally, it seems strange that so many scientists continue devoting their energies to intergalactic outreach when the aliens appear to be here already.  No less an authority than astronaut Edgar Mitchell, the sixth man to walk on the moon, unveiled the alien presence in 2009 when he told the National Press Club,”We are being visited. It is now time to put away this embargo of truth about the alien presence. I call upon our government to open up … and become a part of this planetary community.”  Obviously, the government wasn’t interested, but shortly before his death earlier this year, Dr. Mitchell revealed that,“ETs [have] been attempting to keep us from going to war and help create peace on Earth,” adding that ET is “the highest form of intelligence that works directly with God…and will not tolerate any form of military violence on the planet or in space.”  Admittedly, these assertions are difficult to square with the monumental levels of military violence engulfing our planet–but the aliens may not be infallible, after all.  Researcher Jenny Randles documents more than thirty cases of flying saucer crashes around the world in her book, UFO Retrievals: The Recovery of Alien Spacecraft,  so the aliens may be working out a few bugs in their own equipment.

Of course, after she spoke to Gort, it looked bad for Patricia Neal for a few minutes, but it all turned out okay and 20th Century Fox got its money shot.

Even after she spoke to Gort, it looked bad for Patricia Neal for a few minutes, but it all turned out okay and 20th Century Fox got its money shot.

The takeaway is that the aliens will protect us–at least as soon as they get their act together. They won’t allow nuclear war, and according to Mitchell they’ve already dropped in on the Pope and discussed world peace. So if all else fails, maybe they’ll save us from a second Clinton presidency— is that too much to expect from superior life forms?

How to vote on election day….

In closing, WOOF suggests that every patriot make a point of murmuring “Klaatu barada nikto” repeatedly as he or she enters the polling booth this November.  We aren’t really sure what it means, but when uttered by actress Patricia Neal in 1951’s The Day the Earth Stood Still, the phrase stopped Gort, a robot from space with powers of mass destruction, from laying waste to the entire country…so why shouldn’t it stop Hillary Clinton? Perhaps the aliens, hovering watchfully aboard their motherships, will respond to our appeal by humanely immobilizing the threat.  Gort was a lot tougher than Hillary, after all, plus he could walk around without falling over–so Hillary should be a cinch.  Otherwise, we may be filing WOOF’s next anniversary post from the Ecuadorian embassy in London.  Until then, fellow citizens…continue the mission! Stand your ground! Place your reliance in a just and righteous Providence…but brace for impact! WOOF PRINT 

Altogether now: KLatuu

Altogether now: “Klaatu barada nikto!” “Klaatu barada nikto!” “Klaatu barada nikto!”  (gasp!) “Klaatu barada nikto!””Klaatu barada nikto!”…louder…! “Klaatu barada nikto…”

%d bloggers like this: