We know, some of you are already becoming testy. Anytime we write about UFOs we garner complaints from readers who tell us to stick to politics and knock off the nonsense. Here at WOOF we long ago realized that no matter how far right we may be, some readers are going to call us liberal; and no matter how pertinent (in select circumstances) we may consider UFOs, a vocal minority of readers will cavil about our lack of gravitas and clutter our email with dozens of tinfoil-hat memes. We don’t mind, really, but if this site adjusted its editorial policies to accommodate every critique, we’d run much shorter articles containing much shorter words, addressing much safer topics.
Postmodern politics…
What really compelled us to visit this topic was Allen Wayne Root’s recent suggestion that Kamala Harris be appointed President Biden’s “balloon czar.” The sobering fact is that Root’s recommendation, though clearly sardonic, sounded entirely plausible given the many gaslightings already initiated by America’s first postmodern administration.
Of course, Americans knew nothing of the massive Communist spy balloon surveying the breadth of our nation until a photograph of it floating over Montana was published by a local newspaper, which called it a UFO. More discerning observers recognized the object as a large, remotely controlled balloon, and journalistic interest turned to the Defense Department, where military experts are supposed to know about (and prevent) such anomalous intrusions.
After some dithering, military experts acknowledged the balloon was Chinese. Apparently they had known about it for four days and nights while it toured the U.S. Later, these experts insisted they had known about the balloon since it was launched from Hainan, China. But only upon the balloon’s national outing did Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin convene a meeting of top officials to “announce a new defense cooperation agreement,” which never seems to have been announced, and probably wasn’t agreed on..
Still a bit mushy…
The administration didn’t bother telling us about it, according to its initial story, because it was only intended to scan Guam and Hawaii (which was evidently okay?) but pesky prevailing winds blew it off course and across North America. How Biden’s top brass knew this, together with how come the object accidentally blew over our strategic missile silos and strategic air bases, together with why Biden didn’t do anything to stop it–remains somewhat mushy.
Instead of announcing any protective action, Pentagon Press Secretary Brig. Gen. Pat Ryder assured the public that “The United States Government has detected and is tracking a high altitude surveillance balloon that is over the continental United States right now.” But by then, everybody already knew that. Asked why nobody thought to eliminate the threat, Biden’s military representative told PBS that the U.S. opted not to shoot it down “simply because [the military] didn’t want to run the risk of it landing on anything on the ground,” which given Montana’s vast open acreage seemed particularly farcical. Besides, even the toadies at MSNBC wondered aloud why it wasn’t intercepted on its approach over the Aleutian Islands.
An executive order?
For his part, when asked why he didn’t order the Chinese spy balloon shot out of the sky, Biden countered that he had indeed ordered his military advisers to shoot it down, but he was told no–and instructed to wait awhile. This explanation repeated the “we don’t want it to fall on anybody” excuse, which may have mollified our cognitively impaired President, unless no such order was actually issued, and therefore never countermanded.
If President Biden really ordered a shoot down, he appears to have been discouraged by the quasi-infamous General Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs. whom Biden may have forgotten he outranks. More darkly, it may simply be the case that President Biden was kidding (or confabulating) about giving any order at all–because Biden didn’t dare shoot the balloon down until the Chinese gave him permission. WOOF cannot claim it knows this–to claim the theory’s authenticity might group us with the kind of paranoiac crazies who subscribe to the reality of Hunter Biden’s laptop–but we cannot help wondering.
Mission accomplished…
At any rate, after concluding its overflight of the United States, the spy balloon was headed out over the Atlantic before it was finally downed by a missile from an F-22, only three days after Biden supposedly gave the order. Thus, the American citizenry was protected from any accidental beanings, and the spy device was plunged into salt water, complicating its recovery and rendering its technologies less readily decipherable. That most of the balloon’s gleanings were already transmitted in real time to its Chinese handlers seems indisputable.
Thunder out of China…
Naturally, the CCP insisted the object was merely a weather balloon that blew off course. China pronounced itself outraged at the hostility of America’s unduly martial response. Naturally, nobody outside Communist China and possibly North Korea took any of China’s objections seriously, and naturally no member of the Biden administration accepted responsibility for the dunderheaded fumbling of the entire affair.
The lackeys are restless!
The media seemed dimly aware of the incident’s several paradoxes– and so its functionaries found themselves in the uncomfortable position of wanting answers to questions. If story number one was true, and the balloon was only discovered in flight over America, why wasn’t it noticed sooner? And if story two was correct and the balloon had been tracked from the moment China launched it, why hadn’t journalists been informed? Some even had the temerity to question the idea that avoiding dropping it on someone’s head was the reason no shoot-down of the device was ordered, or conversely, why Biden’s order to shoot it down was shrugged off, if such an order had indeed been issued… but mostly, wasn’t the whole imbroglio an embarrassment for the all-too-routinely embarrassed President Amtrak?
Look at all the mystery objects!
Needless to say, none of the uncustomarily inquisitive reporters learned anything of substance from the doggedly nebulous Karine Jean-Pierre–who kept referring them to other, equally unforthcoming sources–even as word spread across the networks of several additional mystery objects suddenly occupying our air space.
VanHerck takes charge…
Unanimous in their view that some grown-up somewhere ought o be able to explain matters to them, reporters gathered for a press conference offered by Gen. Glen D. VanHerck, Commander, U.S. Northern Command, on March 6. Asked why the balloon was not immediately dispatched, VanHerck replied, “Hey, you can’t deter, you can’t defeat something if you can’t detect it,” which surfaced the fresh argument that NORAD’s radar is simply substandard–but, VanHerck explained, the whole thing turned out to be a stroke of good fortune because, “Actually, that high-altitude balloon was a great opportunity for NORAD and United States Northern Command to get some attention that I think we deserved.” (A point that seemed difficult to rebut.)
According to NORAD, our radar isn’t tuned to find low flying objects like spy balloons– which makes it hard to understand the version in which the balloon was tracked from the time of its launching. VanHerck further explained that since refocusing our radar, NORAD discovered several other objects in our skies as well as over “Canadia” (to borrow Karine Jean-Pierre’s term). The General wasn’t too sure what they were.
It was then that he was asked if the objects could be extraterrestrial and replied, “I’ll let the intel community and the counterintelligence community figure that out. I haven’t ruled out anything.” That’s right. At least three additional balloons were located floating across North America, and NORAD thought they might be from outer space. Nightly newscasts were suddenly rife with discussion of the possibility of interplanetary invaders. One pilot who observed an allegedly octagonal-shaped balloon was widely quoted as stating he observed no evident means of propulsion–a trait the news readers called typical of UFOs–(not to mention balloons).
Roswell all over again!
Respected UFO researcher David Halperin wrote “First there was one – the Chinese balloon first tracked over Alaska…Now there seem to have been three more, genuine ‘unidentified flying objects’ since we don’t know what they were or what they were doing here. The commander of NORAD refuses to speculate…but as an old UFOlogist, I have to say: this feels like deja vu to 1947.” [Halperin meant it reminded him of the alleged crash of a flying saucer at Roswell, New Mexico, in 1947.]
The news seized upon the UFO theory, not because it made any sense whatsoever, but because it distracted viewers from the monumental incompetence and opacity of the Biden regime and provided a handy distraction from other news such as the chemical train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, and the attendant environmental crisis.
It’s Trump’s fault.
Moreover, the White House quickly added, mystery balloons were not peculiar to the present administration. but had been detected and ignored at least five times during the Trump administration–an unverifiable assertion that even the most sycophantic reporters found impossible to verify and which faded quickly from consciousness, like one of Biden’s statistical misquotations.
Nevertheless, three more objects were rapidly shot down by American aircraft, so the possibility that they were interplanetary visitors doesn’t seem to have deterred NORAD from blasting away Time magazine remained invested in the interplanetary option,pointing out that pilots described one object as a “metallic, cylindrical airship; flying at about 40,000 feet.” We may never know the exact nature of the object, but we know we shot it down. “Sunday’s object,” Time added, “shot down over Lake Huron, was the most mysterious of all, described as octagonal in shape with strings or cables hanging from it. Its means of staying aloft was unclear.” Helium might have constituted a reasonable guess. It transpired that this “most mysterious of all” the invading bogies (which inspired NPR to air an entire program on Michigan’s history with UFOs) was almost certainly a project from a local balloon club.
Declared “missing in action” by an Illinois-based hobbyist club on Feb. 15, this twelve-dollar balloon emerged as a likely explanation for the Lake Huron invader. It took two heat-seeking missiles fired by an Air Force jet to eliminate the balloon, which was not emitting any heat, making the use of such missiles an odd choice of weapons–especially at four-hundred thousand dollars per missile– but at least the threat was neutralized. The club—the Northern Illinois Bottle cap Balloon Brigade (NIBBB)—is (wisely, we think) withholding further comment. It also appears, at least for the time being, that no additional mystery craft are haunting our nation’s skies. In other words the great UFO flap of February, 2023, seems to have faded into history.
Flying saucers farewell…
UFOlogists will now excoriate us for our dismissiveness of the flying saucer phenomenon, but again, we are judged unfairly. Oddly, no one at WOOF has actually beheld a flying saucer, or any similar airborne anomaly, yet readers know us to be editorially supportive of UFO reality. Our cynical attitude toward the short-lived UFO flap of last February is not a product of overall disbelief–it is, rather, indicative of our refusal to mislabel a series of botched balloon interceptions as a possible invasion from space. This narrative seemingly beguiled numerous TV anchors and commentators, but surely no one else took the possibility seriously. Surely Gen. Glen D. VanHerck of NORAD only left the extraterritorial possibility open during his press conference because he was waxing mischievous?
Another, less sanguine possibility is that here, entrenched as we are in the addle-pate realm of “Lunch-bucket Joe’s” postmodern reign, we have the bizarre image of Air Force generals (who always maintain the opposite) hastening to ascribe anomalous aerial phenomena to the possibility of invading space aliens. Simultaneously, the lapdog newscasters, who used to whinny at any suggestion of UFO reality, chorused their approval of the ET hypothesis like an audience of goggle-eyed Spielberg fans. Does any of this commotion bespeak an actual extraterrestrial threat?