Here are films of recent and increasingly less recent vintage that WOOF avoided going to see, but reviewed for you
anyway! REMEMBER, here at WOOF we miss the films so you don’t have to!
WOOF! Watchdogs of Our Freedom
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THE BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE!!
Global warming has gotten pretty gory! Recently, British climate protesters calling themselves “Extinction Rebellion” poured several gallons of red food dye into a decommissioned fire truck’s water tanks and drove to the British Treasury building, apparently a focal point of wanton ecological destruction. The plan was to spray hundreds of gallons of fake blood on the offending building, symbolizing “climate death.” The plan worked for a total of three seconds before the eco-warrior manning the hose lost control. Despite valiant efforts by fellow protesters to tackle the hose, it continued to writhe and twist unconstrainedly, gushing all 475 gallons of fake blood onto the street, the sidewalks, parked and passing cars, the protesters themselves, and nearly everything else within range, except for the British Treasury building, which escaped unscathed. Woke eco-warriors across England dismissed the bungled spray job as immaterial, reminding the media that a glorious blow against the enemies of carbon-neutrality had been struck no matter where the blood wound up. The only sour note came from Conservative Party lawmaker Susan Hall, who tweeted "What a complete disgrace these people are!” Perhaps she’ll change her tune once the Thames drowns the majority of Londoners and floods the halls of Parliament! Wake up, people!
SAVE YOURSELVES–AND SELL CHEAP!
DETROIT — during the Democrat debate, when the blathering turned to “climate change” (the phenomenon formerly known as Global Warming), Andrew Yang, (Democrat candidate for the presidency, Manhattan entrepreneur, and President Obama’s former "Presidential Ambassador for Global Entrepreneurship") took his fellow Dems to task for their ridiculous and unrealistic views on the topic. In a moment of courageous honesty dwarfing anything issuing from his opponents. Yang let them have it straight and unvarnished: “We are too late!” he told his shocked rivals. “We are 10 years too late!” Yang’s proposed solution? “We need to start moving our people to higher ground!” We at WOOF concur, and seek to ease the trauma and inconvenience for those decamping in accordance with Yang’s clarion warning-- by purchasing their beachfront properties. Sell cheap to your caring friends here at WOOF! Nobody else wants homes everyone agrees will be underwater by the end of the next decade! Consider our willingness to pay bottom dollar for your doomed beachfront properties another example of humanitarian outreach from your considerate friends here at WOOF! (Email us your proposed selling prices—but keep them low—remember, the tide is rising!)
“YOU’RE A SELLOUT, MAVERICK! YOUR PRODUCERS ARE REWRITING ‘TOPGUN’ TO MAINTAIN THE FLOW OF CHICOM CASH!”
Corny, cliché, and hokey as it was, the film “Top Gun” (1986) was forgivable on every count, because the F-14 footage was magnificent, and because it was that rarest of events: An authentically patriotic, pro-military film turned out by Hollywood. And now comes the sequel, which Paramount naturally elected to co-produce with Red China. What could go wrong? For starters, “Maverick’s” iconic leather “bomber” jacket is now viewable in previews—missing the flags of Taiwan and Japan, prominently displayed on Tom Cruise’s original version. As Mark MacKinnon, senior international correspondent for The Globe and Mail newspaper, summed up in a tweet: “There’s a new Top Gun movie coming out. And Maverick is wearing the same leather jacket — only this time it’s Communist Party of China-approved…” So, thanks, Hollywood—what’s next? Maybe “Pork Chop Hill Revisited?”
BOY, NOW WE’RE REALLY IN TROUBLE!
Frederica Wilson (D-FL) has discovered that people are making fun of her and other members of congress. "Those people who are online making fun of members of Congress are a disgrace," she told the press, "and there is no need for anyone think that is unacceptable [we think she was trying to say 'acceptable']." But not to worry. "We're gonna shut them down and work with whoever it is to shut them down, and they should be prosecuted. You cannot intimidate members of Congress, frighten members of Congress. It is against the law, and it's a shame in this United States of America." We aren't certain when This United States of America decided the 1st amendment didn't apply to anyone disgraceful enough to make fun of congress--but we're glad "whoever it is" is on the job, and mighty proud of the clever folks back in Florida's 24th congressional district who re-elect Representative Wilson every 2 years! (Is it possible they think she's Bo Diddley?)
THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH STRIKES AGAIN!
Trying to decide whether The New York Times is still funnier than The New Yorker is a game occasionally played 'round the WOOF cave. Would-be participants should understand that intentionally funny or intendedly funny inclusions don't count. This week The New Yorker pulled ahead, beating the literati at the Times to the realization that this month marks the 70th anniversary of George Orwell's "1984." Concerned lest its readers wax forgetful of Orwell's terrifying portrayal of a future lived under Communism, The New Yorker hastened to remind them that it "was not intended as a book about life under Communism." Rather, it is best "responded to as a book about loyalty oaths and McCarthyism," as well as a precognitive "comment on Nixon and Watergate," and, of course, "in 2016 it got a bump from Trump." That said, the New Yorker pledges to continue in its vital mission, described as "Fighting fake stories with real ones!" At this, they seem to excel; their piece on "1984" is a real story, all right.
DEATH TO ALL FEMALE FEMINIST PATRIARCHS (AND THEIR FATHERS) AT THE NEW YORK TIMES!
Apparently Madonna (the meat-dress one, not the Virgin Mother) is dissatisfied with the results of an interview she recently granted Vanessa Grigoriadis of the New York Times. “I’m sorry I spent 5 minutes with her--it makes me feel raped,” the singer told her Instagram followers, reminding them “I’m allowed to use that analogy having been raped at the age of 19. Further proof that the N.Y.T. Is one of the founding fathers of the Patriarchy, and I say--DEATH TO THE PATRIARCHY…I will never stop fighting to eradicate it.” The pop icon failed to explain how being raped at 19 caused her to realize the Times is a founding father of the PATRIARCHY, or how their female, feminist reporter made her feel raped; but that’s not important now! If we correctly understand the newly “woke” superstar, she intends to eradicate America’s paper of record, and in this vital cause, WOOF declares solidarity and pledges to redouble our own opposition to the New York Times, not to mention Vanessa Grigoriadis and any other feminist female patriarchs allied with that sordid den of misogynists down on Eighth Avenue!
OH, ABOUT THAT–MAYBE I’M A LIFELONG COMMUNIST REPUBLICAN?
After years of mainstream media reminders that James Comey is “a lifetime Republican,” somebody finally decided to commit journalism. Paul Sperry dug into the record and discovered a 2003 interview in New York Magazine in which Comey freely states, “"In college, I was left of center," which is hardly damnatory, given the era, but goes on to describe himself as “a Communist,“ implying that he also voted Communist. Although WOOF cannot confirm any quote from Comey directly admitting he voted for Communist candidates, his remarks in context leave little room for other interpretations. He goes on to say he voted for Jimmy Carter in 1976 (which arguably amounted to a de facto vote for Communism) but explains that he later “moved from Communist to whatever I am now. I’m not even sure how to characterize myself…” a problem WOOF would be more than happy to help him with. Meanwhile, we can’t resist asking: “Who promoted Comey?”
TOM WOLFE, PLEASE CALL YOUR OFFICE!
In a world redolent with war, hunger, poverty, and disease, finally some good news: art is alive and well! Jeff Koons's 1986 stainless steel casting of a 41-inch-tall inflatable rabbit, poignantly entitled "Rabbit," just sold at Christie’s for $91.1 million. This must be heartening news for Koons who hadn’t sold a major work at Christie’s since 2013 when his equally impressive casting, “Balloon Dog (Orange)” sold for a meager 58.4 million. WOOF congratulates both artist and buyer, and expresses hope that news of the sale may occasion a moment of comity between partisans of the world’s two great economic paradigms—proving as it does that privately held capital remains an individual’s right to dispose of however he prefers, while at the same time confirming the long-standing redistributionist argument that a lot of rich people are irresponsible morons.
HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN OUR OLD FRIEND JIMMY? CAN YOU TELL US WHERE HE’S GONE? THOUGHT WE SAW HIM WALKIN’ OVER THAT HIL—OH!—N0—WAIT—THERE HE IS!
Happy 94th birthday, James Earl Carter---actually, we never liked you enough to call you Jimmy, even though you kept telling us to. But we’re glad you aren’t dead, even if we’d be gladder if some other presidents weren’t dead—but everybody says that even though you were the second worst president (and the worst until 2009) you are still a really good person because you nail together homes for poor people, and write books. Sure, we were upset about the antisemitic ramblings in that book you wrote a few years ago, but it turned out you plagiarized the material, so we guess we can’t blame you for it. Your pro-Hamas rants against Israel also seem more infrequent of late. But a spokeswoman for the Carter Center said today that “Both President and Mrs. Carter are determined to use their influence for as long as they can to make the world a better place,” so we guess we shouldn’t let our guard down, right? Anyway, happy birthday, Mr. Carter. Mazel tov!
“LOOK, WILLIE—IT SAYS HERE DA KIDS AT HOME HAS REALLY GOT IT TOUGH!”
According to a recent survey, about 3 out of 5 millennials' (58%) feel life is more stressful “right now than ever before.” Top stressors contributing to their unprecedented trials and tribulations include dying phone batteries, broken phone screens, check-engine lights coming on, job interviews, and slow WiFi. Having absolutely no sense of history was not listed among the top 20 most disconcerting phenomena contributing to their record levels of angst, but why would it be? History happened before they were born!
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PLEASE HELP US GET BANNED BY PAYPAL! BUY THIS BOOK!
Many of you know that PayPal has begun banning conservative websites. In a textbook display of leftist irony, sites advertising the book "BANNED" by Adina Kutnicki, courageous blogger, freedom lover, and Lioness of Zion, have been among those singled out for PayPal's opprobrium. As most of you also know, we don't affiliate with PayPal because we give away stuff when we have it, and we don't ask for money. But we still feel left out , so we're boldly endorsing Adina's book (written with co-author, Joe Newby) in a desperate attempt to get banned by PayPal in solidarity with our fellow conservative bloggers--or at least notified that if we ever want to use PayPal, we are pre-banned--is that a thing? We'd settle for that--but the main idea is to get you to buy Adina's book! DISCLAIMER: WOOF receives no portion of any proceeds resulting from this endorsement and attests that its advocacy of Adina Kutnicki's work is unsolicited, unpaid, and based entirely on our personal belief that she is obviously a warrior goddess.
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