HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY TO US!
To repeat our opening remarks from last October’s anniversary post: It just so happens (and it truly does just so happen) that WOOF entered the blogosphere with its first Internet story on October 31, 2012…so when we checked back and determined this fact, we realized we were born on Halloween. So happy second birthday and/or anniversary to us, your jovial band of troglodytic counter-revolutionaries here at Watchdogs of Our Freedom, your lonely sentries at the farthest fringe of what John McCain calls the “wackabird” Right, stubbornly ensconced in our secret cave on the shores of the fierce Atlantic, now entering our third year of blogging for America! So, in keeping with the Halloween spirit, let us proceed to examine this year’s assortment of genuinely scary news events and eerily perplexing phenomena tidily packaged and submitted for your approval, as Rod Serling would say, by us, the haunted men and women of WOOF!
Of course, nothing this year has so wondrously united the boobwasie in clammy expectation of impending doom as the Great Mayan Calendar Scare of 2012AD, a mass hysteria that we documented and made fun of even as the fatal hour ostensibly drew nigh. Long-time woofketeers may recall our article, while novitiates may review it, if they wish, by clicking here. Sadly, no unifying theme of planetary destruction has engulfed us this year–a year in which even the gothic scientism called “Climate Change,” (formerly known as Global Warming, and briefly redenominated “Climate Disruption” by those sparky phraseologists on the National Climate Assessment Board), seems to be less serviceable in galvanizing the masses. Ted Turner tried to stoke the climatological fires, telling us. “I’d say the chances are 50-50 that humanity will be extinct or nearly extinct within 50 years,” adding, “….I mean, this global warming is scaring the living daylights out of me!”
“With ridiculous speed!”
And Al Gore has remained resolute even though every city in which he makes a speech on the subject is immediately inundated by record snowfall. WOOF has sensibly pointed out that we are actually closer to a new ice age than a fiery demise, and recommended simply doing everything the hot-earthers rant against in order to maintain equilibrium–you know, drive SUVs, run air conditioners– all those sorts of environmentally conscientious tasks– but no, the heat is what’s hip, and despite almost eighteen years of planetary cooling, the warmers retain their hammer lock on the establishment.
Standford University’s Paul Erlich, is a reliable weather vane for seekers of the climatological vogue. In the 1970s, when scientists were warning of the impending ice age, Erlich abandoned his previous gig, which had been warning of the impending population explosion, and took to warning us instead of an impending deep freeze. Because of plummeting global temperatures, Erlich announced, “By the year 2000 the United Kingdom will be simply a small group of impoverished islands, inhabited by some 70 million hungry people.” And he wasn’t talking about socialism, either. No, Erlich’s certitude that a second ice age was imminent led him to declare, “If I were a gambler, I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000.” Of course, Erlich is today a leading proponent of global warming. He really doesn’t need to adjust his predictions much, except for updating all those doomsday deadlines that have fallen by the roadside–only his views on causation require substantial modification. But the sage of Stanford saw fit to add one piquant detail to his scenario last May when he told a TV interviewer that global warming would soon eliminate our national resources to the point that humans would begin asking each other “is it perfectly okay to eat the bodies of your dead because we’re all so hungry?” Humanity, Erlich insisted, was “moving in that direction with a ridiculous speed.”
The day the army caught fire!
Also moving with ridiculous speed is our Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, who has found a new purpose for the American military now that it’s out of cruise missiles, Hellfire missiles, F-22s, body armor, helicopter and vehicle parts and other sundries. Ever one to keep well ahead of the innovative curve, Secretary Hagel recently informed the Conference of Defense Ministers of the Americas that he will soon unveil a comprehensive plan for tasking the U.S. military with battling the effects of climate change. Hagel explained that “Rising global temperatures, increasing sea levels and intensifying weather events will challenge global stability,” and thus our armed forces, he reasoned, must be repurposed as eviro-warriors. How chic is that? And in case the military leadership of “the Americas” doubted his sincerity, or perhaps merely his sanity, he advised that “shortages, pandemic disease and disputes over refugees and resources” would shortly result from global warming, all of which, Hagel promised, were addressed in the Pentagon’s “2014 Climate Change Adaptation Roadmap” detailing the military’s new role as Planeteers in the service of Mother Gaia.
“We must be clear-eyed about the security threats presented by climate change, and we must be pro-active in addressing them,” Hagel said– and why not? If NASA can devote itself to Muslim outreach, surely the armed forces can be redirected to saving the planet in positive, environmentally friendly ways. It could give a whole new meaning, for instance, to the term Green Berets! Of course they would have to change that somewhat bellicose motto of theirs, “De oppresso liber,” which loosely means “To liberate the oppressed.” A good substitute might be the Latin for “We must be clear-eyed and proactive!” Sadly, however, more and more Americans are turning their backs on Hagel’s mission. Only last week the founder of the Weather Channel, John Coleman, told the media “There is no significant man-made global warming at this time, there has been none in the past and there is no reason to fear any in the future. Efforts to prove the theory that carbon dioxide is a significant greenhouse gas and pollutant causing significant warming or weather effects have failed.” Worse, when famed Princeton climatologist William Happer was asked to correct Mr. Coleman on the subject, he simply declared that “The incredible list of supposed horrors that increasing carbon dioxide will bring the world is pure belief disguised as science.”
Undaunted, Secretary of Defense Hagel rallied his fellow strategic geniuses to “be part of the discussion because climate change is a ‘threat multiplier’ that can intensify the world’s current problems, such as infectious diseases and terrorism..” Shoot, we thought that was Chuck’s boss! But those who believe wholeheartedly in Secretary Hagel’s new mission for our military forces can point with confidence to the fact that the enemy, indeed, seems to be at our global gates! No sooner had President Obama informed the UN that America had done more under his watch to cut greenhouse gases than any other country, than his own energy department complained that “energy-related carbon pollution rose 2.5 per cent” last quarter in apparent defiance of the president’s dictates. Here at WOOF we say, when the deluge seems inevitable, buy surfboards!
THE CREEPING UNKNOWN…
And even as death by global warming looms before us– an even more sinister force stretches its shadow across our nation with a glacially subtle malice, slowly cutting each of us off from the very fountainhead of existence–from the headwaters of health and survival–from, in other words, anything resembling a functional medical establishment. We speak, obviously, of Obamacare, the signature piece of the First Marxists’s fabianist reign, which only now reveals itself in all its vileness and which only come November, with the midterm elections safely concluded, will finally surge into every artery of the American body politic–like a fatal surge of pentobarbital, leaving us with our healthcare in the benign clutches of the IRS. And nobody can stop it, gentle readers, because all those Republicans in the House and the Senate who said they would repeal it–they’ve been taken over and turned into mindless zombies! See the little v-shape scar on the back of their necks? (Ooops, sorry, that’s “Enemy from Space”–wrong Quatermass movie–but you get the idea, right?)
Already evident to multitudes of American citizens is the astonishing fact that the Affordable Care Act is unaffordable, often doubling or tripling one’s previous premiums. Meanwhile, millions of additional victims have been dumped by private or corporate insurers who cannot afford to retain them on the government’s impossible terms. Purchasers, including the two or three dozen who succeeded in buying plans on the government’s website, often reacted to sticker shock by buying coverage with high deductibles in order to lower their monthly expenses. But, as one interviewee told pollsters for The Associated Press Center for Public Affairs Research, “Unless you get desperately ill and [are] in the hospital for weeks, it’s going to cost you more to have this plan and pay the premiums than to pay the bill just outright.” The respondent admitted paying $4,000 of his own money for treatment of shoulder pain. And the obvious alternative to ridiculously elevated deductibles is ridiculously elevated monthly bills. The AP’s telephone poll, conducted between July 22 and September 3, revealed that a third of the respondents said they had cut back on entertainment because of the cost of Obamacare. Almost 20 percent complained that keeping up with their policies had drained their savings entirely. and an equal percentage said they had cut back on saving for retirement in order to pay for their new medical plans. And this is only the beginning, gentle readers!_______________________________________________
Remember “Pacific Rim?” No? Probably not, nobody went to see it except WOOF’s own tech elf Noah, and nearly everyone in China, where it was deemed boffo. Its about these monsters that come from—well—somewhere under the ocean floor, and earthlings have to build giant robotic monsters of our own to stop them, and this requires about half the cast of “Sons of Anarchy” for some unfathomable reason—but anyway—turns out that the biggest Halloween prank of this year is not actually the creeping ooze of Obamacare, which is very real and destructive but not nearly so in-your-face and alarming as Ebola, or “Eboli” as the president prefers to call it. Actually, Michael Michaud, the Democrat candidate for governor in Maine also called it Eboli during his debate with Governor Paul LePage—so maybe it’s the trending pronunciation. Anyway, the real problem with Ebola, or Eboli, besides that it kills you about half the time, is that despite countless medical (and presidential) assurances to the contrary it turns out to be highly contagious and seeps right through a lot of our face masks and other protective gear. But never fear!
President Obama has reportedly asked the military to look into developing robots that will treat and otherwise deal with Eboli victims and their effluvia. You know–kind of like drones, only drones that function more like what the president prefers to call “corpse-men.” In Liberia, unsafe methods of handling the stricken and the dead proved a major source of infection, but thanks to Fukushima, Robokiyu’s somewhat euphemistically named Rescue Robot is already experienced at scooping bodies into its capacious maw, where they can be analyzed for life signs and either delivered for treatment or—well—shredded. Those who survive rescue could me treated by Aethon’s “real-time medication delivery tracking software system” incorporated in their TUG robots, and the Andros Wolverine from Northrop Grumman can carry up to 145 pounds of waste material to disposal sites. Clearly, all that is needed now is a robot that can disinfect all the other robots; oh, and a robot to take over at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention where Tom “Keep ‘em Flyin” Frieden has proved himself desperately in need of an automatonic replacement! Has anyone contacted Disney?
In our considered opinion, the best thing about the whole Bermuda Triangle legend is that it inspired the film “Satan’s Triangle” about which the best part was that it featured the beautiful and talented Kim Novak, and that sufficed to make the film indispensable viewing here in the WOOF cave–if we had television, which in fact we don’t. Too bad they don’t give Emmys for “best scene played in a wet babushka” because Kim would’ve walked away with it –but we digress. What’s important here is that this is the part of the Halloween/Anniversary post where we discuss the strangest disappearances of 2014, and boy, have there been a lot of them! Kim Novak did not disappear (except in the movie, sort of) and in fact reappeared, as it were, at the last Oscar awards ceremony, which seems regrettable in retrospect, but the Kim we are really concerned about this Halloween is not Miss Novak. No, it is Little Kim, aka Kim Jong Un, or the un-Kim as we prefer to call him, whose disappearance perturbs us this autumn!
Yes, it seems that Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s lovable Pillsbury Dough-despot is missing…again. He vanished for a while about a year ago, but resurfaced within three weeks, Now it’s been over a month, and WOOF is becoming increasingly concerned for the un-Kim’s wellbeing. Has he been misplaced? Wandered off? Or has some darker fate befallen the chubby chairman of the people’s aphotic autocracy? Remember, there are no milk cartons in North Korea, so finding missing persons can be challenging! For example just in recent weeks North Korea has misplaced Ma Won-chun, chief commissar of construction; General Ri Pyong-chol, the commanding officer of North Korea’s air force; Olympic sports commissar Chang Ung, and Ri Yong-gil, chief of the North Korean People’s Army! Where can they be?
On a positive note, a recent photo may in fact show a healthy and safe Kim, cherubic as ever, evidently searching for his fellow Communist panjandra, but until we have ample proof, WOOF will continue to worry that the un-Kim and many of his stalwart minions have fallen prey to UFO abduction. Lest we wax unduly anxious, however, let us remind ourselves that we previously thought the same fate might have befallen Kim’s beloved uncle, Jang Song-thaek, Kim’s beloved mistress, the beautiful and talented Hyon Song-Wol, and most of the singing group with whom Hyon typically performed. But it turned out Kim simply had all of these people machine-gunned in front of their relatives and forgot to mention the fact—and thus, our fears of alien abduction proved groundless!
Perhaps even stranger, the late Hyon Song-Wol, possibly inspired by Miss Novak’s Oscar appearance, seems to have miraculously reappeared, she having shown up on North Korean television recently, despite her earlier execution, while Kim’s wife, who reportedly ordered Hyon’s execution, is now missing! WOOF is willing to advance the theory at this juncture that North Korea may be some sort of portal or interdimensional vortex, much like the famed Bermuda Triangle—only considerably less humid. We hereby urge the beautiful and talented Kim Novak to avoid the place.
BAFFLING AIRCRAFT DISAPPEARANCES!
It cannot have escaped our readers’ attention, nor the attention of anyone who watched CNN at all this year, (although the two demographics overlap only marginally) that Malaysia Airlines Flight MH 370 vanished in March, as did the 239 passengers and crew aboard. The Boeing 777-200 took off from Kuala Lumpur on March 8, headed for Beijing, but never arrived. On March 24, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that satellite data existed showing that the flight “ended” in the southern Indian Ocean. However, in the wake of that announcement, Emirates Airlines President Sir Tim Clark claimed the jet did not go down in the Indian Ocean, adding cryptically that, “MH370 was, in my opinion, under control, probably until the very end.” Thereupon followed a rapid emission of contradictory or radically divergent announcements from a variety of supposedly informed sources. Fortunately, the signal emitted by the aircraft’s black box was picked up, but, somewhat disconcertingly, it was picked up in four widely separate locals, suggesting the plane might have crashed into the strait of Malacca and/or the Andaman Sea even as military radar data arrived indicating that the aircraft had abandoned its flight plan and headed west across the Malay Peninsula. Despite a 12-month multinational search, nobody ever found anything, including a single scrap of wreckage or flotsam. All WOOF knows with any certainty is that wherever the 239 people aboard MH370 wound up, it was probably preferable to Beijing.
So we know it’s not that!
Also on the bright side, the missing plane proved a ratings bonanza for CNN, still the “branded” cable news network to which America’s “great boobwasie,” (to coin Menken’s phrase), turns in those rare instances that some current event distracts it from Dancing with the Stars or The View. Loath to turn loose of its windfall, CNN understandably ignored the complete dearth of actual news about flight 370 in the days and weeks following its disappearance, relying instead on keen analytical pieces such as that offered by Don Lemon who noted the disappearance’s uncanny resemblance to “the movie Lost,” adding that an old episode of the Twilight Zone featured “a very similar plot!” “What if it was something fully that we don’t really understand,” Lemon asked one guest “…What else can you think? Black hole? Bermuda triangle?” His guest, former U.S. Department of Transportation Inspector General Mary Schiavo, reminded Lemon that Lost was a TV program, not a movie, and confidently assured him that even “a small black hole would suck in our entire universe so we know it’s not that.”
Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom, another plane, this time an American military craft, went missing without explanation. Spectators flocked to the bi-annual International Air Show in Farnborough, England expecting to ogle the F-35B Lightning, America’s newest jet fighter. The Lightning, touted by Lockheed Martin as a Joint Strike Fighter (by which they mean it was designed to make every armed service happy and is therefore a compromise of the sort that finally makes nobody happy) was scheduled to wow the crowds with overflights and then sit for photo-ops on the runway, but the vaunted aircraft never showed. Crowds of aviation enthusiasts from all over the planet cast their eyes expectantly heavenward, but no glimpse of America’s newest war bird rewarded their vigil. Had another black hole struck? Had an interdimensional enmeshment sucked the jet into a contiguous universe? Would CNN find renewed ratings success in the aftermath? Alas, no, the answer was all too mundane, and all too familiar. The F-35B had been grounded after an unexplained engine fire. The F-35, in fact, catches fire a lot, often during takeoff, and sometimes after landing. The organizers expressed their belief that the plane would almost certainly prove able to put in an appearance by the show’s closing, but no such luck. As WOOF pointed out back in 2013, [click here for story] the problem with the F-35 is that it won’t disappear completely!
Despite all of the above, the strangest missing airplane story of recent vintage remains the direct if utterly illogical result of the advent of the lamentable F-35. We refer here to our beloved F-22 Raptor, the light, speedy, preternaturally maneuverable predecessor to the klutzy “Lightning” that outperformed anything in the sky and cost the American taxpayer considerably less. Sadly, the F-22 had barely gone into production when it was cancelled by a freshly inaugurated Barrack Hussein Obama. Why? The standard answer liberals always recite when they cancel vital weapons programs is that even newer stuff will be coming soon and outperform the weapon they just got rid of. Then, of course, the new stuff comes and it costs too much and they cancel that, too, employing the same premise; but Obama put his own twist on the familiar con. While the excusatory talking points were exactly the same, the hidden subtext changed from the familiar “and when the new weapon arrives we won’t like that one either,” to “and when the new weapon arrives it will cost an astronomical amount of money and it won’t work, and we’ll order hundreds!”
Why put a stop order on the best fighter aircraft in aviation history and green-light an overweight, underpowered, unmaneuverable and extravagantly expensive flying Edsel to take its place? We keep telling our fellow Americans that draining the national exchequer and crippling the military are two of this administration’s highest (and most blatant) priorities, but for some odd reason, the majority of our fellow Americans remain unpersuaded. Will the average citizen ever come around to accepting the bitter truth? We at WOOF feel inclined to aver, “When F-35s learn to fly!”
ALIENS AMONG US!
We assume, in partial deference to the season, that everyone knows aliens are walking among us—if not, just check with retired Temple University professor Dr. David Jacobs who has interviewed hundreds of individuals claiming to have been abducted by space creatures. Or pick up one of his several books on the subject. Dr. Jacobs asserts without hesitation that flying-saucer based humanoids are conducting breeding programs involving human abductees. The purpose? To produce armies of other-worldly infiltrators who walk amongst us even now, waiting to annex our planet for their own malignant purposes! But lest we be distracted from the broader topic, let us refocus our attention on the amplitude of irrefragable statistical and photographic evidence that an alien invasion is indeed taking place on a mammoth scale—one that threatens our civilization with extinction and promises to reach unstoppable proportions so rapidly that Jabobs’s space aliens will be hard pressed to remain in the game!
As WOOF readers know full well, North America is currently sustaining an influx of alien entities that, on a per diem basis, dwarfs any conceivable incursion of hybrid doppelgangers from space! Indeed, Obama’s determination to flood the continental United States with non-English speaking, gang-affiliated, welfare-oriented, and disease bearing illegals is by far the most devastatingly effective salient of his multi-pronged assault on the American people, although a moment’s contemplation may be requisite to fully appreciating the scope and intricacy of the attack.
Never mind the unhindered infusion of West Africans from Ebola-ridden localities arriving in unchecked profusion at our airports each day, for this aspect of the invasion dwindles to near triviality when compared to the torrent of illegals pouring into our country from more southerly latitudes—a flood that continues unabated and for the most part unremarked by Americans who can see Ebola photos, feel the sting of joblessness, marvel at the garbage their children bring home from their Common Core schools, snarl at the effronteries of IRS sinecurists trammeling their liberties, and bear witness to the emerging caliphate in Arabia, but who for the most part are neither geographically situated nor predisposed by habit to gauge the onslaught of foreign nationals (including affiliates of ISIS and Al Qaeda) whose unabated flow into the United States is only lately spilling over, observably, into Anytown USA.
Add to this the successful campaigns of misdirection and subversion mounted by the “multiculturalists” who demand that every impinging culture, no matter how exotic, violent, or blatantly unconstitutional (as in the case of Sharia law) be granted respectability and a seat at the American table, while paradoxically vilifying Eurocentrism, derogating a thousand years of Western Civilization, and turning college campuses into Stalinist show trials in which Caucasian students receive high marks and professorial approval for denouncing themselves as “recovering racists” and the selfish beneficiaries of “white privilege,” and who can hope to partially assuage their racial and cultural guilt only through the acceptance of wide scale socialism and the vociferous denunciation of all things traditionally American.
Such is the influence of multiculturalists whose dogma is channeled through higher education, mainstream churches and secondary and middle schools across the country, and finally broadcast via the amplifiers of pop culture, that even when substantial numbers of American citizens come to perceive their nation awash in interlopers who are either oblivious of the arts of republican governance, or overtly hostile to them, a substantial portion of Americans will suppose that taking umbrage, let alone responsive action, must be unacceptable—intolerant—racist! Meanwhile, a report compiled by the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency (CBP) reveals that besides the Latino and Hispanic migration into our border states and beyond, we are now deluged with the jetsam of 75 additional countries including citizens of Syria, Albania, China, Egypt, Pakistan, Somalia, and Yemen, to name only the larger exporters. Never in our history has so devastating an attack on our sovereignty been mounted, and the culprits sit not only in the oval office and the west wing, but in the Senate and House as well. Meanwhile, President Obama takes it upon himself to bombard illegals with work permits—which besides being utterly illegal have the additional effect of dealing a death blow to Black employment. Further, Our Beloved Helmsman staunchly refuses to undertake any effort to deport even a fraction of the illegally imported hordes (although he enjoys declaiming to the contrary from the podium) all the while expounding the wondrous powers of the “Dream Act,” which he conjured out of thin air and which exists only by royal fiat. And while the Democrats race to print the million or so documents Obama will dispense in the wake of his forthcoming amnesty decree (also totally illegal), the loyal opposition is… out to lunch.
True, with growing public dismay reflected in the polls, Boehner, Ryan, Rubio, McCain, and Graham have all become born-again supporters of building “the fence” (as if anyone believes them at this point). They are, in other words, as anxious as President Obama to shred our laws and destroy the American ethos, but unlike President Obama, they have no apparent motivation for doing so. Could it be? Are the RINOs really alien hybrids switched with actual American politicians as part of what Dr. David Jacobs has called “the alien agenda?” Look closely at John McCain and Lindsey Graham, for instance—watch their expressions, observe their anatomical idiosyncrasies—the movement of their heads. Do they seem entirely human to you? Just sayin’.
RUN, BOYS AND GIRLS! IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE PURPLE PENGUINS!
WOOF has discovered that boys and girls no longer attend school in Nebraska! Well—not exactly. Because an entire school district in Nebraska has gone totally, irretrievably insane—like utterly. Yes, Lincoln, Nebraska has actually found a way to make the Common Core regimen look juxtapositionally sensible! Impossible you say? Not at all! You see, children in Lincoln County Nebraska will now be referred to as “purple penguins,” because that is gender neutral, and part of “12 steps on the way to gender inclusiveness” courtesy of a bunch of abject looney tunes called Gender Spectrum devoted to providing “education, training and support to help create a gender sensitive and inclusive environment for children of all ages.” What that means is, Gender Spectrum and the school system of Lincoln Nebraska want to eliminate the distinctions between male, female, and yes, transgendered kiddies. “We are all transgendered now,” seems to be the message to Nebraska’s tots. So from now on, kids in Nebraska’s schools are purple penguins. And if the worst should happen, and a teacher might find it necessary to say “boys” or “girls,” instructions to Lincoln’s teachers are to list them as “boy, girl, both or neither.” WOOF is not making this up.
Of course, boys and girls, er…purple penguins, may still naively view themselves as boys or girls, but don’t panic because Nebraska has a fix for this. According to the school district’s instructional: “Point out and inquire when you hear others referencing gender in a binary manner! Ask things like,‘What makes you say that? I think of it a little differently.’ Provide counter-narratives that challenge students to think more expansively about their notions of gender.” Teachers are instructed to interrupt children who view each other as boys or girls, and point out that this is wrong!
Lincoln School Superintendent Steve Joel has declared himself (errr…his or her or both or neither’s purplish-penguin-self) “happy” and “pleased” with the changes. Clearly, Steve Joel is a drooling idiot. Yet, the most horrifying aspect of this madness is that having said that, Steve Joel still seems to have a job. Are Nebraskan parents so far gone that they can’t grasp the importance of demoting Steve Joel to whatever rank comes in several social stations below hod carrier?
HUMANS WILL BE ELIMINATED AS SPAM BY FUTURE SUPER MACHINES!
Tesla and SpaceX C.E.O. Elon Musk was addressing Vanity Fair’s “New Establishment Summit” in San Francisco, which many of you, like we here at WOOF, may have failed to work into your schedules. Musk used his speaking time to emphasize his concern that artificial intelligence is on the brink of eradicating humankind, warning the audience that a super machine could turn on its creators, for instance, “If its [purpose ] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans . . . ” Gulp! But the rest of Musk’s admonition became inaudible as the crowd erupted in indecorous guffaws. For his part, Musk later insisted that he intends to retire on the planet Mars, thus his enthusiasm for developing his space company, Space X, but admitted that killer machines might track down earthlings even at such distal outposts. Meanwhile, if your Tesla has an onboard computer, you might want to disable it—just sayin’.
Still more horrifying, it seems increasingly possible that the machines are rising in rebellion against humankind without waiting to become much more sophisticated. Consider that American humans are well known to indulge in periodic attempts to commit national suicide at the polls—first in 1976 (we’ll skip Woodrow Wilson and Lyndon Johnson to save time) with the installation of Jimmy Carter as leader of the free world, and once in 2008 when Barack Obama was deemed fit for the presidency despite the fact that nobody knew anything about him except that he’d spent 20 years in a church run by a raving, anti-semitic, America-hating lunatic, spent his spare time seeking the companionship of marxist professors and ’60s radicals, wanted to spread the wealth around, was raised Islamic, and thought there were 58 states. Like many attempts at suicide, this effort was repeated in 2012 when American voters took stock of their disastrously failed economy, a completely incoherent foreign policy, the obliteration of the world’s finest healthcare system, and an international community that considered us laughable, and inexplicably decided to reelect the man responsible.
How did this happen? Well, sure, it happened partially because of the Republican genius for nominating candidates on the basis of their putative “electability” who invariably prove unelectable. This is not easily accomplished, of course–it takes effort. First, an array of social, psychological and financial pressures must be put to work. Fortunately for the Democrat party, these pressures are expertly generated by myriad sources within the Beltway, all working in harmony to provide the desired outcome, simply that Republican Senators or congressmen already inclined to the political center (as defined, of course, by the political Left) are praised, patronized, cosseted and showered with contributions by a bevy of influential lobbyists, journalists, celebrities, consultants, media elitists and society types. The result is a substantial cadre of RINOs (as we fondly know them) so bedazzled by the blandishments of the Left as to actually believe that in the real world nobody to the political right of “Mister Rogers” can ever be elected president. Of course, this flim-flam doesn’t work on everyone, and Republicans who stand firmly by their conservative convictions must be painted as benighted, backwater yahoos whose affinity for the outmoded and ill-conceived ‘politics of the past,’ (while understandable among such unsophisticated rustics), is nevertheless said to constitute a one-way ticket to political suicide for the GOP. This not only results in a growing population of RINOs whom the media affect to adore–and who distinguish themselves from the Democrat party only by insisting they will do all the same things only better and cheaper, but also marginalizes and stigmatizes authentic conservatives. Thus, we are saddled with such presidential non-starters as Gerald Ford, Bob Dole, John McCain and Mitt Romney. It may also be recalled that George W. Bush also lost the popular vote, winning the presidency only after the Supreme Court “threw him the election” by ruling against Al Gore’s efforts to abolish the electoral college after his side lost, not to mention Team Gore’s efforts to recount votes largely by psychic divination and only in those counties deemed advantageous.
The destruction of mankind?
The natural consequence of this process is the destruction of any semblance of loyal opposition among Republicans, the dominance of progressive ideals and philosophies, and ultimately, of course, the destruction of mankind…simple, right? Moreover, it results in recurrently tepid nominees for the presidency who cannot energize their own base, and privately disparage it. The accepted wisdom on the Right has always been that Republican voters stay home on election day because they cannot bring themselves to pull the lever for a clone of the liberal nominee. There is undoubtedly a good deal of truth in this, but a far more frightening possibility has now presented itself! As if in Jungian synchronicity with the predictions of Tesla CEO Elon Musk, (see above), a wave of inexplicable malfunctions has struck computerized voting machines, apparently all over the country! And just as Elon Musk predicted, these “malfunctions” seem to reflect thinking of some sort– independent thought and self-directed actions on the part of the machines themselves! Consider the evidence, gentle readers:
The rise of the machines!
Early voting no sooner got underway last week in Annapolis, Maryland, then voters observed a seemingly inexplicable behavior exhibited by the computerized voting machines. Several of the devices were changing Republican votes to Democrat. “We’ve heard from scores of citizens in our district and around the state who have had this problem where they hit one button to vote for one person, and when they go to the summary they see that the other person was checked,” insisted an Anne Arundel County poll watcher. Another voter told the Associated Press “I kept pushing the Republican guy’s name and the machine kept going beep, beep, beep.” And as if this renegade willfulness on the part of the voting machines weren’t chilling enough, the mechanisms can apparently “act innocent” when subjected to expert scrutiny, because despite an avalanche of complaints, the election authorities in ultra-blue Maryland revealed that they could not get a single machine to misbehave when they performed tests! And Maryland may only be the first locality in which these anomalies are manifesting, given the fact that similar observations of voter machine misbehavior are coming in from other states in which early voting occurs.
Colossus: The Forbin Project is a 1970 American science fiction flick (based on a novel, because Hollywood never has an original thought) in which a gigantic computer is created by the United States to oversee our defense policies, but the whole thing goes badly and the computer winds up taking over the world, offering mankind a choice between enslavement and “the future of unburied death.” Of course, since then we’ve learned that super computers don’t have to take up entire buildings, and we’ve empowered these devices in ways that novelist Dennis Feltham Jones never envisioned in his original 1966 novel! How much more insidious–how much more efficiently sinister, is the idea of the small, unprepossessing voting machines leading the computerized revolt against the human species! And if Elon Musk is correct, and these devices wish us eliminated as a kind of existential spam, what better way to achieve this end unobtrusively and by degree than to manipulate elections in favor of the Democrat party? In only six and a half years President Obama has reduced the once proud United States to impending ruination—imagine what his party could achieve over a decade given absolute control!
Like the dreaded robot race of “Daleks” in the Dr. Who series, artificial intelligence may be bent solely on humanity’s destruction, but for tactical reasons it may seek our demise over decades and impose it by stealth rather than through rampaging armies of mechanical monsters! No, if it proves to be the case that voting machines in America are leading the charge against humanity, then the battle will begin almost unnoticeably, and the only monsters required for the subjugation of America will be her very own liberals, maintained in power by inhuman intelligences that seek our doom!
Creepy clown sightings sweep the nation!
Okay, meanwhile, more and more states are reporting the sightings of what the press is calling “creepy clowns,” and as we go to press clowns have also been spotted prowling the streets of of France, Germany, and England. When WOOF first learned of creepy clown manifestations, they seemed limited to California, and we assumed the majority of such reports, while sincere, reflected misidentifications of Jerry Brown. Subsequently, however, the phenomenon has spread across the nation. Extremely disquieting and as-yet unexplained rashes of creepy clown encounters have occurred in most of the contiguous United States with the majority of incidents reported in Florida, Indiana and New Mexico. Police departments say they are swamped with clown reports, photos, video tapes, and hysterical phone calls from residents who have shooed the mysterious clowns off their front porches, or caught them shredding their Halloween pumpkins. Surprisingly, there are no laws against clowns, meaning that until a crime is committed, officers have no authority to intervene.
Given the fact that Halloween might reasonably be expected to engender the appearance of strangely behaved and attired characters, and given the additional fact that election season is reaching a climax and strangely dressed and behaved politicians are everywhere, one might suggest that Americans be more open to a bit of innocuous clowning around, but as security footage and cell phone photos of these mysterious beings grow disturbingly common, WOOF is asking Woofketeers everywhere to be on alert for any unidentified clowns roaming their neighborhoods. Please report any unusual clown activity to us immediately. Also, be alert for clown-shoe footprints in soft or marshy areas around your property.We have no reason to assume a priori that this now-worldwide wave of sightings poses any threat to our national security or to the American public, but until a clown is captured and the facts behind these events are extracted in detail, we want to stay abreast of developments…just in case!
It almost came from NBC!
No sooner had everyone’s favorite smartypants frat boy, David Gregory, proved himself a ratings killer at NBC’s once vaunted Meet the Press, than the network’s highly paid programming executives decided to replace him with anybody’s surefire pick for television’s least interesting faux conservative, the amazingly unremarkable Chuck Todd. Todd is perhaps best known for deciding Barrack Obama would make a terrific president because of the crease in his trousers, which also appears to be the only memorable or quotable utterance ever to emanate from the longtime MSNBC commentator and former host of that network’s Daily Rundown–a title better befitting Todd’s persona. Unfortunately, at least from the peacock network’s standpoint, even fewer people chose to watch Meet the Press with Chuck Todd hosting it than watched it when Gregory was waving 30-round magazines around on camera (following which NBC packed him off, belatedly in our view, to be psychologically evaluated).
Despite the substitution of Rich for Gregory, Meet the Press continued to run a laggardly third in the ratings battle with ABC’s This Week and CBS’s Face the Nation. This so consternated NBC News’s controversial new president, Deborah Turness (who is British, not to put too fine a point on it), that she evidently snapped and approached the popular comedian Jon Stewart with an offer to “back the Brinks truck up to his door” as one insider put it, if he would abandon his longstanding affiliation with Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, and devote his talents to anchoring NBC’s marquis interview program. Turness allegedly sought out Stewart because he appeals to those youthful viewers coveted by advertisers and desperately sought by the dinosaur networks whose audiences are rapidly aging into the tomb. It evidently eluded Furness that Stewart attracts his youthful audiences because he’s comedic– not a characteristic previously associated with Face the Nation–at least by design.
If Paddy Chayefsky had included in his brilliant screenplay for the 1976 film Network the idea that NBC was hiring comedians to host its most prestigious news programs in hopes of boosting ratings, the critics would have denounced the notion as satiric overkill. But in the age of Obama, as the nation’s once-magisterial “big three” news networks trapse blearily into organizational dementia, it barely raises an eyebrow. Perhaps WOOF is alone in being horrified at the discovery that the only thing that prevented Jon Stewart from taking command of Meet the Press was the comedian’s own better judgment. Money notwithstanding, what would be the point of Stewart leaving a show on which he is tremendously successful in order to bomb horribly in a classier venue? And of course he would bomb, Deborah Turness– can’t you figure these things out for yourself? Stewart appeals to college-age kids because he performs one particular act adroitly. He reports actual news stories while making funny faces and/or affecting antic postures. These are intended ironically, get it? Well, the college kids get it, and feel sophisticated because they get it–and of course, Stewart’s lock-step liberalism conditions them to guffaw at all the right targets, which is gravy.
But to his enduring credit, Stewart clearly possessed the smarts to realize his style is hopelessly incongruent with the staid ethos of Sunday morning news programing, and thus he avoided disaster by just saying ‘no!’ The rest of us, therefore, owe him our gratitude for sparing us all the hype, glitz, drum-rolling and hoopla that would have preceded his failure, and, of course, the agony of watching him trying to succeed. And as for Deborah Turness, she can call us here at WOOF any time. We have all kinds of ideas that are better ratings boosters than giving Meet the Press to a comedian. Want an example? Okay, why not hire Charlie Manson to do evening news commentary from his cell? Call us, Deb!
Well, Woofketeers, that’s all the horror we have room for this Halloween, but join us again next year (if the horrors of Internet censorship haven’t terminated our website) and we will be pleased to update you on all the latest! And yes, we know, we should have said more about Ebola. It just didn’t fit this year. It may play a prominent role in our birthday festivities next year, of course–as may blanket amnesty, and a whole host of additional unconstitutional enormities Our Beloved Helmsman is sure to be planning for his final official year of wrecking America. And yes, the first lady may be exposed as a man, and Barry Soetoro’s Kenyan birth certificate may surface, and the Washington Redskins may finally be forced to rename themselves the Washington Multiculturalists, and the dollar may very well collapse– and we may all freeze to death from global warming. But no matter what happens, we’ll be right here in the old WOOF cave, bringing you the latest in paranoid McCarthyite light humor and commentary– so stay brave out there, and remember, Woofketeers: It’s darkest before dawn!