NEW JERSEY POLICE AND ALERT EDUCATORS ACT JOINTLY TO PREEMPT BOMBING BINGE BY PSYCHO HAND DOODLER!

Freeze, sicko!

Good news, fellow Americans! The North Koreans may have developed the A-Bomb (after President Clinton successfully got them to give up their nuclear program, remember that triumph?) and the capacity to lob one into downtown San Francisco via their new ICBM that we let them develop, and the Iranians will soon be able to do the same, as well as blow Israel off the map, as well as blow up the Straits of Hormuz—but don’t fret yourselves, because you are safe from 16 year olds in Galloway Township  New Jersey!  Yessir, one of them nut cases went and doodled something in his school notebook—and as if that weren’t suspicious enough, apparently he went and doodled a gloved hand shooting flames, although other reports say (gasp!) he doodled a weapon. Fortunately, quick witted liberal teachers spotted this nefarious precursor to mass mayhem!

Alert liberal educators are the first line of defense against flaming hand doodles!

The school superintendent lost no time assuring the press that the public should be “thankful that we had a staff member that (saw something that) caused her some concern, and that she had the sense toreport it to school officials. These are things that teachers receive training on all the time.” Yes! Training evidently exists to ferret out sixteen year old boys who doodle weapons, or hands shooting flames out of them, or Lord knows what other fiendish evincements of psycho-pathological derangement! How fortunate we are, dear readers, that our schools are now bursting with highly trained super sleuths disguised as teachers who can sniff out these maniacs before they can strike, and keen-eyed guardians of the commonweal like the superintendent of Cedar Creek High School (home of the Pirates!) who fully support and applaud the preemptive actions of their cadres of self-educated psychiatric art analysts!! Greater EggHarbor (we didn’t make that up!) RegionalHighSchool District Superintendent, Steve Ciccariello, said that his teacher saw “hand-drawn pictures” of what appeared to be weapons in the boy’s personal notebook and sprang into action!

Experts tell WOOF flaming hand may have looked something like this! Only timely intervention prevented further such drawings!

Well sir, the police were summoned, and darned if they didn’t look at those terrifying doodles that 16-year-old boy drew! And darned if they didn’t “appear to resemble weapons,” according to unnamed police officials—so they took that deranged young rascal into custody iswhat they did!  And in case you don’t think this kid was crafty, listen to this part: Police Chief Pat Moran stated in relation to this case that “no threats were made by the student and there was no indication there was any danger posed to anyone or property at the school.” Now, think about that! If you are going to visit unholy bedlam on a population, isn’t that the first thing you wouldn’t do? You wouldn’t tip your hand, right? You wouldn’t make any threats and you wouldn’t give any indication that you posed a danger, right? Right! And this little monster saw it just that way, dear readers—he deviously didn’t do any of those things!  Clearly, the writing was on the wall.

No sooner had the police been summoned than they reviewed the sketchy sketches and performed a perfunctory projective psychological assessment based on, we assume, the current TSA manual of on-the-scene instant art analysis, based, we assume, on the collected works of Ernst Kris— wouldn’t you think? After all there are various approaches to this, but the classic insights of Dr. Kris who not only practiced as a psychoanalyst but also worked as an art historian and combined these fields to develop a psychoanalytical interpretation of works of art as particularly considered in his Imago  study, Ein geisteskranker Bildhauer  and his classic work “Psychoanalytic Explorations in Art,” seem to have informed the conclusions drawn in this instance. Chief Moran did not mention whether this was the specific foundation his officers relied upon in reaching their determination in this instance, but WOOF’s experts consider it likely, given their level of certitude, that Superintendent Ciccariello’s teachers trained using Kris’s insights, or at a minimum must have studied the psycho-fantastical interpretations of Bruno Bettelheim and the radical Objects-Relationsists, particularly Cashdan.

This classic example of psychotic art depicts flames shooting from a cat! Sources reveal the perpetrator in New Jersey had not yet progressed to sketching flaming cats!

But no matter what intellectual wellsprings led them to their speedy determinations, we may thank Heaven for their time spent in study, for no sooner was this ticking time bomb of a 16-year old waylaid for his scurrilous scribbling than investigators from the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office rushed to his home on East Spencer Lane where—brace yourselves, gentle readers—they found several “types of chemicals that when mixed together could cause an explosion,” according to police sources.

A bomb

As a public service, WOOF asked our Science and Technology Directorate to offer some suggestions as to what sorts of chemicals may have been found in the young man’s home. The list that we were offered included such exotic items as pool sanitizer, acetone, Drano, chlorate mixtures, isopropyl ether, hydrogen peroxide, bleach, zinc tablets, and ammonium liquids, not to mention fertilizer. Even more chilling, none of these or any other equally suspect chemicals had, at the point of the investigation, been mixed into any actual explosive combinations and thus the bomb sniffing dogs brought to the scene did not alert to any of them!  Obviously, the intent here was to thwart the bomb sniffing K-9 units by not having bombs! And as if that weren’t enough, police also discovered various gadgets and electronic items that could be used to make a bomb—you know, like a cell phone, and batteries–and the kid and his mom tried to explain this by saying that the school he attends, Cedar Creek, (home of the Pirates!) is a magnet school for kids interested in engineering and gadgetry and that he likes to take things apart and put them together. Sure! Tell that to the Atlantic City Police Department’s Bomb Squad, the Oceanville fire department, Galloway EMS, Egg Harbor City police, the K9s of Hamilton Township Police Department, the Atlantic City Police Department, Gloucester County Sheriff’s Department, Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department, Millville Police Department and Salem County Sheriff’s Department all of whom assisted with the investigation!

Photographic evidence proves notorious bomb maker Robert Oppenheimer started out with sketches, too!

At the terminus of this exemplary combined-forces operation, Chief Moran declared that “There was no indication he [the kid] was making a bomb, or using a bomb or detonating a bomb,” adding that the family and the student cooperated with the department during the investigation. Evidently on this basis, the student was promptly charged with possession of an explosive device, and was placed in Harborfield’s Detention Center where he is currently cooling his heals, soon to be joined, we can only suppose, by any other would-be terrorists who doodle gloves with flames coming out of them—or anything else you might see in any comic book published over the last 70 years!

Police search suspect’s home–(a simulation.)

Now, we hear from you readers, and a lot of you tell us you think we make stuff up. We aren’t sure why on earth you have that impression, frankly, but many of you do, apparently, so listen, we swear that every word of the above account is true and correct according to our most trusted sources—but here’s the part we just know you’re going to think we’re kidding you about—but we’re not! Honest!  If you want to know who has come to the legal rescue of the 16 year old kid who drew in his notebook and wound up in the slammer, it sure isn’t the ACLU. No, it’s the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. No, really, it is. Don’t believe us? Just email them at info@cbldf.org or give them a call at (212) 679-7151. Tell them WOOF says hi. We are not affiliated, by the way, and the CBLDF may be a bunch of commies for all we know—but at least they care!

Roy Lichenstein is thought to have started out doodling flaming hands too–it seemed innocent enough at the time!

PUBLIC SERVICE ITEM: WOOF RELUCTANTLY TAKES LEAD IN ENDING MASS GUN VIOLENCE!

“Americans always beat up the peanut vendor when their team loses!” — Marshall McLuhan (The Medium is the Message)

“…that every citizen be armed!”

Okay, WOOF really wanted to let the liberals and the patriotic men and women of the NRA work this one out for themselves, but it looks like they’re just going to mess it up, so we’re sticking our muzzle into it—and yes, this should really go in our “Guns and Wham-o” forum, and it probably will, eventually, but we thought we’d just put it out here as a public service, because it seems that once again we are needed. Okay, we all know that psychopaths like to shoot large numbers of innocent people, and that the most convenient location in which to find large numbers of innocent people is usually in school. We also know that nobody ever shoots back because the wily psychopaths usually pick the places with the highest levels of anti-gun sentiment the better to carry out their foul deeds—like Norway, for instance—remember that guy? He killed 80 people before anybody else arrived with a gun.

Mrs. Peel–we are needed!

Similarly, in 2008, Marti Saari, 22, walked into a vocational college in Kauhajoki, Finland, and shot 10 people, then set their bodies on fire—and then shot himself. (That makes 11). Robert Steinhaeuser, 19, was mad because he’d been expelled from school in Erfurt, Germany, so he killed 13 teachers, two former classmates and one policeman, before committing suicide. Back in 1996, Martin Bryant, 29, sauntered into a café in Port Arthur, Tasmania, and gunned down 20 people, killing 15 more on his way out of the place. In the same year, Thomas Hamilton shot 43 kindergarten children and their teacher in an elementary school in Dunblane Scotland and then shot himself. In 1989 Marc Lepine shot every woman he encountered at Montreal’s Ecole Polytechnique College, killing nine and then himself, apparently oblivious of the fact that he himself was not a woman, and making it impossible to ascertain his motive. We focus here on non-domestic incidents in order to demonstrate that a) they occur even in countries where gun control is almost total, and b) many people don’t realize they occur at all.

Boo! Since Nixon’s cache faded, only this man’s image can focus a liberal on the concept of evil.

American Liberalism has never been able to cope with the idea of evil except perhaps as they perceive it to be embodied in such personages as Dick Cheney, so the Liberal must always substitute a talisman, a replacement for the actual problem. In the ‘80s this meant unilateral disarmament, because the Left was so frightened of nuclear war it craved the elimination of all American nukes, overlooking the fact that Soviet superiority in such weapons would be the surest guarantor of a nuclear war.  Ronald Reagan said it was like getting rid of the fire department because you hate fires. Similarly, in its argument for “choice,” the concept of infanticide is too horrible for liberal contemplation and so the baby becomes fetal matter and the issue becomes the woman’s body, which we all enjoy contemplating but which is only obliquely apposite. With mass shootings the idea of killing the mass shooter is too horrible for Liberals to contemplate, so they chant that the elimination of guns is the answer. But lets review.

You cannot legally own a gun in Finland unless you have first obtained an acquisition license, which canbe  requested, for a fee, from the local police. A separate license is required for each individual firearm. Self-loading rifles must be kept in certified gun safes inspected and approved by the local police authority. In Germany the law requires would-be gun owners to prove need, expertise and mental stability in order to get government permission to use and keep firearms.

Sweden has prohibitive gun laws, yet native Swede Ann-Margret clealry overcame any fear of handguns–not to mention of recoil!

To get a gun in Tasmania you have to apply for a firearms license. You have to show a genuine reason for requiring  a firearm, and wanting to shoot people is not on the list–and you have to demonstrate a need for the particular firearm you wish to own, and you have to store the weapon in an approved safe. Most readers are aware, WOOF supposes, that Scottish restrictions on gun ownership, in conformity with British laws generally, are among the most restrictive in the world. Liberals may now be applauding wildly –but please review the mass shootings we listed above—each occurred not only despite restrictive gun laws, but to an equally plausible extent, because of them! In Connecticut, to cite a tragic recent example, a permit is required to carry a handgun on or about one’s person, or in a vehicle, and the applicant must first complete a handgun safety course approved by the state. Not only did Mr. Lanza slip right through the state’s gun legislation, he seemed undeterred by being refused the legal purchase of a firearm. He couldn’t even get Dick’s Sporting Good store in Danbury to sell him a rifle, and rifles are easier to purchase than handguns since liberals used to blame handguns for everything almost exclusively. He used an illegally obtained weapon and gained access to the school by breaking and entering. Apparently it hadn’t occurred to anybody that a locked school door wouldn’t work very well if a suicidally deranged gunman smashed through the glass.

You know you’re just going to have to move it back again! The “Atomic Scientists” at the University of Chicago and their stupid doomsday clock…

So “banning” guns, like “banning” nuclear weapons, is hardly the road to freedom from spree killing lunatics. Even the infamous “Batman” shootings in Colorado (which has gun-friendly laws) occurred only after the killer bypassed two closer theaters showing the same film but where handgun carry was not prohibited.  So Liberalism is clearly wrong in its supposition that grabbing the guns out of Americans’ homes will stop gun violence. Most Liberals believe this because they are liberal, and not thinking carefully. The ruling class Liberals, such as Obama and his subversive puppet masters, know this perfectly well, but have long wanted an unarmed American citizenry as part of the agenda of their Worldwide Socialist Totalitarian Conspiracy. These power seekers wish only to see America disarmed and its Constitution shredded, and since nothing else will satisfy them, they don’t really figure into the current conversation. It is the genuine, caring, air-headed liberal, like Dianne Feinstein or Chuckie Schumer who suffers the talismanic obsession with gun banning as an authentic solution—and even at that, WOOF has learned that Chuckie likes to shoot. He particularly seems to enjoy blasting away with a Tec-9, a piece of junk by any standard, and one he wrote legislation to ban, but apparently cool-looking enough to give the Senator a visceral thrill on weekends. Liberals!

Think we’re kidding? Here’s Chuckie Schumer blasting away with a Tec-9—yes, America, even vacuous narcissists can enjoy the range!

So what about the NRA’s idea of putting a cop in every school? Listen, Wayne LaPierre is a good guy and all, but he’s no Chuck Heston. Wayne is under a lot of pressure, and the whole cop-in-every-school idea may have been the first thing to come to mind, but it will never work. It would run afoul of sabotage from local police chiefs (and police chiefs are political animals who got where they are, by and large, playing footsy with the Leftist establishment), and local school boards who are largely irrationally liberal.

Cher, 1964–perfect until dementia set in from the Left?

And even where it might actually be brought to fruition, the plan would provide one uniformed policeman who would be a likely first target of a nut with a gun. So WOOF has to say, nothing but love for you Wayne, but let’s rethink this. (Before moving on however, WOOF wonders—is Wayne LaPierre related to Cher whose last name was also LaPierre before she married Sonny? See, Cher might’ve turned out okay if she’d just stuck with Sonny—shows you what divorce does to peoples brains, right?)

Now, here comes the armed-teachers argument. Right now in Utah (which ranks 2^nd after Texas on WOOF’s official list of sane states), teachers are turning out by the hundreds to attend firearms training classes in Salt Lake City. As one teacher put it, “[In the event of a school shooting] we’re sitting ducks—you don’t have chance in hell—you’re dead, no ifs ands or buts!” And in Ohio, a firearms group is launching a new test program to teach tactical firearms handling to 24 teachers. This is great stuff, and even greater because it absolutely drives liberals into apoplectic fits (which is one of WOOF’s clearly established main goals) but it is probably not the way—er—forward. Sooner or later a well intentioned, somewhat well trained educator will leave a Glock or a Ruger on his or her desk long enough for some middle-school student to snatch it, and while no violence may result, a carefully orchestrated spasm of media hysteria certainly will, and the whole armed teachers program will be dropped like a hot Saturday Night Special.

Oops! One over-rammed charge on the U.S.S.. Iowa does more damage than the Japanese inflicted at Pearl Harbor.

Remember when that gun turret explosion happened on the U.S.S. Iowa? Remember the solution the politicians and President Bush (the First) came up with? Well maybe you don’t, so here it is: Get rid of America’s battleships! Heck, even Cher, who seems to be emerging as this screed’s recurrent theme, loved battleships—almost literally, vide her “If I Could Turn Back Time” video of decreasingly recent vintage. But one misfire in a forward turret and out they went! And with the Socialist Totalitarian Establishment in charge of almost everything the average American hears, sees, or is entertained by, it is painfully obvious that the first time anything goes wrong with the armed teachers plan, the plan will be rolled up by the Left with only a few whimpers of protest from the sheeple. Besides, we really don’t need a kind of well-intentioned Volkssturm doddering up and down school corridors toting weapons they are insufficiently trained to use matched with imperfectly developed weapons-management skills that may result in incidents, however slight, that the Leftwing Establishment Media will be poised to seize upon. That’s why the Utah experiment is unlikely to prove ideal.

Cher aboard the Missouri “…loved battleships—almost literally.”

As usual, the great state of Arizona (number three on WOOF’s sane states list, narrowly edging ahead of Alaska), has a better idea. The Arizona attorney general has proposed changing state law to permit an educator in each school to carry a gun. And this is almost what is needed. Look, WOOF doesn’t want to abridge anybody’s right to carry a gun—we have Congress for that! And if teachers feel safer armed, let them go armed. Let college students do likewise! Statistics show time and again that the more heavily armed a lawful group of citizens is, the less crime and violence is perpetrated in their midst. The fact that liberals find this incomprehensible is one of the best evidences that liberalism should be included in the forthcoming DSM-V as a form of personality disorder! (Of course it won’t be, because the DSM– properly the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association– is compiled, edited, and revised entirely by liberals)

Liberalism’s latest gun-control initiative?

And while we are thus digressed, this seems like a good place to add that some liberals have turned to a different talismanic substitute for really bad people—they have turned to really insane people and (joined by a few unwary conservatives) attempted to lay the blame for events in Connecticut and elsewhere at the feet of slipshod mental healthcare providers who, it seems, are not doing their jobs. Look people, the best psychologists on earth can’t typically tell when most psychopaths are going to go on a rampage, and the solution is not more widely disseminated neuroleptic drugs—nope, sorry. It’s more widely disseminated guns. That’s right—guns. But not on the hip of every health-class spinster in the NEA. Nope. That’s why the Arizona idea is closer to the mark. Here’s what is needed:

More pills=fewer kills?

The ideal self-defense plan for a school would be the identification by the principal of three to four volunteer teachers who are either expertly conversant with firearms or who are willing to become so. These individuals, male or female, will be known to the Principal alone, and perhaps certain members of staff. Neither their identities nor, necessarily, their very existence need be publicized in any fashion. These individuals would be gun savvy volunteers who would carry a key inconspicuously on their persons, around the necks of males, or otherwise concealed on the persons of females whose mode of dress might make a neck chain visible. These keys would open any of four permanent, non-portable gun safes placed at equidistant localities around the school, known full well to the teachers, but to no one else except the principal and a few trusted staff. The gun safes would be secured in hidden locales making them otherwise unapparent among the typical surroundings of a school environment. They would contain a prescribed firearm and three additional magazines. In the event of shots being heard or strangers entering unbidden, the prescribed teachers would go to these locations and whoever was nearest would be first to challenge the shooter or the intruder, gun ready for use if needed.

Roddy McDowall in “Class of ’84” —not what we’re looking for here!

One might argue that by the time shots have been heard it is too late for some, and this is unfortunately true, but there would be far less time for a shooter to inflict casualties, and the deterrent of knowing such systems were in place would be tremendous. For the ultimate word on the sagacity of this plan, let’s hear from the Israelis: Oren Shemtov is the CEO of Israel’s Academy of Security and Investigation.  In a recent interview with Fox’s Greg Tepper, Shemtov noted that armed faculty could go a long ways toward slowing down a planned killing spree while police are notified of the incursion and head for the scene. According to Shemtov, “Two (armed) teachers would have kept (the Newtown shooter) occupied….we need to give them the tools to be heroes.” Security consultant Dov Zwerling of the Israeli counter-terror police, added: “Of all the active shooter events in the U.S., almost all of them conclude with the shooter taking his own life the moment he is challenged by the first officer on the scene. Why not challenge him earlier?” Damn straight, Dov!

Guy Madison (TV’s Wild Bill Hickok) taught Judy Garland to use a .45? Who knew!

So, there is the WOOF plan, America—it’s cheap, it’s low profile, it’s Israeli approved, and it’ll work—so we’re pretty much assuming it isn’t going any further than this page. But one thing is totally for sure: All the addle pate liberal politicians, school officials and University pundits backed by the full faith and credit of the Monolithic Leftwing Media Cabal will not do anything whatsoever to lessen the threat of gun violence in America. They will only achieve what they always achieve when they put feelings into a cause—the exact opposite of what they profess to desire, a cavalcade of unintended and equally undesired consequences, and a bunch of little magnetized ribbons to put on your hybrid. And then of course, they will recommend even more of what made the problem worse to begin with. Only WOOF can protect honest God-fearing Americans from liberal do-gooders run amok—but when it comes to nuts threatening our children, we can’t afford to lash out at talismans.

The Range Rider (Jock Mahoney) never got as much glory, but he had even cooler fringe!

Even if he isn’t related to Cher, Wayne LaPierre got one thing absolutely dead center: The only thing that has ever stopped a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Not another law, not TV brow beatings from bullying wimps like little Davey Gregory and his petulant ilk, not another lecture from moronic entertainment personalities, no—only gunfire. That’s what Harry Callahan meant when he said, “there’s nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot.” And isn’t this the land of Wild Bill Hickok and Jingles Jones? Of Fess Parker as Davy Crockett? Of Chris Colt, Cheyenne Bodie and Bronco Layne? Of Jack Bauer and Dirty Harry?  Come on people, reach for your roots! If we give up our guns, who will protect us? The liberals? Oh, that’s right, they all have bodyguards and concealed-carry permits. What’s with that, by the way? Anyhow, more on this as needed! And somehow, sadly, we feel that needed it shall be!

It’s tough on a Republican gun owner these days, huh Steve!

NEWSWEEK COMMITS JOURNALISTIC SUICIDE, EDITOR IN CHIEF BLAMES HEGEL!

That splash you heard wasn’t Icharaus hitting the brine, although titanic efforts will be expended to convince you it was—no, it was just Newsweek magazine admitting the obvious—that it is morally, journalistically and financially bankrupt–and going under with a perfunctory gurgle. Already WOOF has noticed editor-in-chief Tina Brown (another of those insufferable Americanized British Leftists) telling anyone who’ll listen (and that’s everyone in the greater Eastern Liberal Media fraternity) that Newsweek was “a victim of the Zeitgeist.”  Sounds a lot better, doesn’t it, than saying ‘yeah, we published such brain-dead ultra-leftist horse poop that even we got tired of reading it!” Not that Tina needs to worry. Power diving an American institution like Newsweek headlong into the drink won’t damage her reputation any—the Left adores anyone who went down swinging against those dreadful clingers and religionists out there in flyover country! No Tina, former editor of The Tattler and winner of four George Polk Awards (whatever those are) will still be there for us at the Daily Beast, and wherever else she can serve the Liberal cause. The rest of us can just be glad that Newsweek is off our backs, at least as a checkout counter eyesore!

Any landing you can walk away from! Tina Brown does a little soul searching, blames the Zeitgeist!

But Newsweek is a small victory. The magazine that couldn’t put Obama on the cover often enough during the 2008 election, and typically showed him in supernal soft-focus, nimbus-crowned and benignant of countenance, and which also gave us such memorable cover stories as “Is your baby racist?” and “What do you do with a problem like Sarah?” (the cover of which was, at least, a super hot picture of our favorite Alaskan Governor, albeit purloined from a sports magazine without permission), would have

Who could have a problem with perfection? Sometimes NEWSWEEK missed the obvious!

died a couple of years ago when the Washington Post put it up for sale for a dollar—but ultra-leftist billionaire  Sidney Harman bought it and kept it on life support until his recent death. Now, no sugar daddy to sustain it, the end has come for the historic weekly. But the farther the magazine slanted left, the more certain its destruction became. In 2011 the USA Today founder Al Neuharth summed it up when he wrote that, “When Newsweek was owned by the Washington Post, it was predictably left-wing, but it was accurate. Under Tina Brown, it is an inaccurate and unfair left-wing propaganda machine.”

Say–wasn’t James Buchanan the first Gay president?

Newsweek started out honorably enough during the (first great) depression doing what it did throughout it’s existence—imitating TIME magazine. And it sold well to a readership that found TIME’s inverted sentence structures and coyly captioned photos a bit much. (We kind of liked them, actually.) But TIME also affiliated itself with the lock-step-conformist left of the post-Vietnam culture and went from the glory days of Henry Luce to its current state of journalistic psychosis—running articles like “Does it still matter?” in which the U.S. Constitution is deemed obsolete because the Founders lived in a world without, among other vital evidences of social evolution, Lady Gaga.  A leading light at TIME, Mark Halperon, forgot himself during an NBC interview and casually reminded Lester Holt that, “…the media is very susceptible to doing what the Obama campaign wants…” (well, there goes the 4th estate!) while his magazine went to print with covers like the one purporting to explain “Why Israel doesn’t care about peace,” which rivaled in ridiculousness the hideous cover besmirching the Marine Corps monument while declaring “green is the new red white and blue.” Yes, green  because TIME is absolutely hysterical over our planet’s phantasmagorical “fever.” Managing Editor Richard Stengel explained that, “we say there needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War II to combat global warming and climate change,” and seemed utterly unprepared to explain why, let alone why he thought this country had prepared for World War II, which it hadn’t. But this is a guy who says stuff like,  “I didn’t go to journalism school, but this notion that journalism is objective, or must be objective is something that has always bothered me.”  That’s right, gentle readers, TIME sucks every bit as horribly as Newsweek, and as you have probably noticed, its man of the year this year turns out to be (surprise!) President Obama. Its circulation is in the toilet, of course, but as we said already, this is simply evidence in the echo chamber of the snobbery-driven Left that glorious heights of elitist refinement have been attained. The evidence is ample!  During the second half of 2009 news stand sales of TIME plunged 34.9%. During the first half of 2010, sales declined by an additional third. In the second half of 2010 they dropped another 12% to just over 79,000 copies per week, and lost another 2.9% in the first months of 2011… you get the idea, right? If TIME doesn’t find a sugar daddy of its own soon, Leftists like Halperon and Stengel will be standing around ritzy brie-and Chablis wingdings in New York accepting accolades from jet-set airheads for having flown their magazine into ground, fighting the good fight against Palinism and Tea Party neanderthals—and we’ll be cheering their demise as we are today cheering Newsweek’s! (WOOF gets all excited just thinking about it!)

First off, let’s stop killing trees to make TIME magazine!

But here’s the thing, as Patrick J. Buchanan always says (and WOOF still loves you Pat, even though your whole Israel take is shatterpated), we cannot—simply cannot—establish the supreme political dominance that our clarion right-wing policies so richly deserve, until we have smashed the death hold secular liberalism has on the press elites. We can’t afford the time to snicker at Newsweek’s discomfiture or TIME’s discomfort—we must press immediately onward, striking at the very heart of journalistic Stalinism. We must ruthlessly expose and mock all those who shamble across our TV screens numbly reciting the tacky shibboleths of lock-step liberal conformity—all those who bespatter the pages of our daily papers with copybook twaddle from the subversive AP or the despicable Mensheviks at Reuters!  Let our billionaires and millionaires pool their assets and purchase cable networks! Let our journalists publish papers! Let our ensign go forward, and slay the minions of ‘60s era radicalism on the battleground of ideas! Or, say– everyone can just read WOOF! That’d be great, right? But in case that doesn’t happen, here’s another idea:

Was Hill really fired, or did she go deep cover? Hmmmm….

WOOF is hereby organizing “Operation Righteous Ninja”—or we could change the name to something else if nobody likes that name, but we like it. Anyhow, the idea is that young conservatives and counterrevolutionaries who are interested in entering the field of televised or print journalism agree to dissemble their political leanings and posture as drooling, left-wing sycophants—which process will serve the dual purpose of disguising their true aims and making it infinitely easier for them to find jobs. This could really work—we got the idea from that old Charles Bronson movie Telefon—remember it?  Maybe not, it’s pretty old, but it was about these Russian sleeper agents waiting to spring into action for the Kremlin when the word came from Moscow—And that’s what we’ll do—only we won’t be commies, obviously–we’ll infiltrate the ranks of the Eastern Elite Leftist Media pretending to be the latest wave of mindless, cookie cutter liberals from journalism school, but when the time comes, once our people have worked their way up the ladder of success a bit—we strike! And suddenly there is this massive infusion of right-of-center sagacity where before there were only the barren vistas of endless progressivism! Don’t you think that could work?  Take the brilliantly capable and preternaturally attractive E.D. Hill, who was fired by FOX for correctly identifying the Obamas’ fist bump as a terrorist salute…we hear she’s working at CNN now; could she be a Righteous Ninja?

Remember, as long ago as 1988, 76 percent of America’s journalists reported voting for Michael Dukakis for president. It may be the case, in fact, that only journalists voted for Michael Dukakis to be president,

It’s the Pillsbury Dough-bully! Keith Olbermann may be indispensable to the Right!

or Fritz Mondale for that matter. We do not have to turn the tables completely, dear readers! A fifty-fifty balance is all that would be necessary to vouchsafe a future free from incessant collectivist/socialist agitprop blared into our children’s ears and cascaded across their uncritical gazes! And of course, we must be careful not to oust those who unwittingly serve our cause— people like Chris Matthews, and Keith Olbermann (if he ever gets another job—like, is he even working right now?) are probably good for our cause because people, even people who vote Democrat, cannot watch them for long without realizing that they’re pretty much just insane–  like, do you remember Olbermann’s “how dare you Mrs. Clinton” rant from the ’08 election? We couldn’t take our eyes of the screen–but a sudden sea change in the basic population of the news industry could undoubtedly be effectuated if our plan is followed and the networks don’t learn to use that new Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging technology to examine our operatives’ neural activity by using powerful magnetic force to trace blood-flow changes—because then they could tell our agents were infiltrating.  See, that could be a problem…but that’s not a hiring process yet, is it?

A Peter Finch moment for sure! (Chris Matthews is a keeper!)

But anyway, Newsweek is dead, TIME is moribund, nobody watches CNN and of the 15 top blogs in America, fully nine are right wing or right of center…and that’s not counting WOOF, which is too new to the Internet to have topped the list as of yet; and besides, we tend to hide out from people, due to the vital and secretive nature of our work. In fact, if we were any more popular than we already are, we wouldn’t have shared the above plan for Operation Righteous Ninja with you in this forum—but we figure you can keep a secret. The main thing is to balance the media, balance the academy, and take back the entertainment industry. WOOF has lots of other brilliant plans for how this can be accomplished, but for now our Righteous Ninja scheme is enough to contemplate, unless you want to turn in your Godless Red subversive teacher or professor in which case see our “Just say HUAC” archive—and don’t lose heart out there! Watchdogs of Our Freedom will be up late tonight, as always, hatching schemes and building dreams!

Georg Hegel may have invented the zeitgeist, but he’s not guilty of doing in NEWSWEEK–it was buffoonery killed the beast!

PLANETARY DESTRUCTION AVERTED–BUT JOHN KERRY APPEARS INEVITABLE!

Reporting for duty?  Oh, not again!

Well, on the bright side, the world didn’t end (told you so!) and on the down side, John Forbes Kerry is going to be Secretary of State. No sooner do we bestow the first annual “Dullie” award on brave little Hillary, than she’s out of here. Anyone who doubts that the Congress is chockablock full of communists and fellow-traveling sympathizers need only sit back and watch how fast the Kerry nomination will zoom through the Senate! Meanwhile, the monolithic socialist press establishment is turning handsprings. John Kerry is exactly the kind of effete, plutocratic subversive with whom the televised and print journalists of today associate exclusively—and they are already hard at work soft-soaping his past with an almost sensual devotion. They will omit the fact that he is considerably richer than Romney, of course, or that his past is one of treasonable misconduct and deceit—focusing instead on what a brilliant chap he is (because they always tell us their bozos are brilliant—heck, they even told us Jimmy Carter was a genius, and only a decade ago they talked about Joe Biden as if he were the smartest man in congress—before he spent enough time in the spotlight to invalidate the assertions). So who is this horsefaced social Brahman with the imperishable grin and the botox brow?

Comic  cheap shots likening Kerry to characters such as Fred Munster are puerile, and WOOF will have no part of them!

Kerry, a wealthy son of diplomat and an even richer mother (on the Forbes side of the family), attended Yale University, joined the infamous Skull and Bones Society, and joined the Naval Reserves in 1966—but the war in Vietnam got a lot hotter and John found himself on the Mekong Delta in command of a “swift” boat—a hastily refitted civilian craft armed with machine guns and armored with flak jackets draped over the sides. It is true he volunteered for this duty, but as he once told the subversive Boston

John with his crew–they look like they love him right?

Globe, “I didn’t really want to get involved in the war…when I signed up for the swift boats, they had very little to do with the war. They were engaged in coastal patrolling and that’s what I thought I was going to be doing.” Now WOOF is really going to shock many readers here, so hold on—bear with us! We don’t know what the heck John did or didn’t do during some of his time in Vietnam. The record is too murky. Of course, he could un-murk it at any time he wanted by releasing his military records to the public, but he never has. It does seem that he chased down and killed a VC guerilla at some point, and we have evidence that he really did go back under fire to fish Green Beret James Rassamann out of the river after Rassamann was knocked overboard by an exploding mine. And WOOF is very much in favor of going back for Green Berets, so that’s fine with us. It also seems likely that Kerry’s second of three purple hearts may have been deserved because he took shrapnel to the leg, and that’s what we think we know about that.

All that said, the best evidence shows that he received his first purple heart for an accidentally self inflicted injury so minor that a band-aid sufficed to heal it, and his third for hurting his arm during a patrol. He nominated himself for the first one, which violates Navy protocol, and also won a silver star with a V for Vietnam according to his biography, which is weird, because there was never any such medal. He stated that spending Christmas of 1968 in Cambodia on a secret mission was  “seared into” his memory—but the U.S. wasn’t sending boats into Cambodia until 1969, even secretly. John also claims to have been taken under fire on these missions by the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerillas, but they weren’t organized until 1970. It is also unclear how he acquired four battle stars when he was in Vietnam less than four months, and why his citation for the silver star is signed by Secretary of the Navy John Lehman, who was Secretary of the Navy under Reagan, decades after the medal was awarded, remains a mystery. Most intriguingly, perhaps, WOOF cannot rule out that these strange temporal anomalies may point to John Kerry’s secret identity as a Chrononaut—perhaps even traveling to Mars with young Barrack Obama? (See Science and Paranormal link for full story). You know, time travel could explain a lot of the inconsistencies in the records of both men! Really!

Is this John time traveling? No–just visiting NASA in 2004.

But let us leave the realm of speculation, no matter how compelling, and focus on what came next for John Kerry, because this is where it gets really seamy. Kerry comes home, puts on a cable knit sweater with a hole in the elbow, poses for a fawning People Magazine article while organizing an anti-war movement from a phone booth, and begins to call his military brethren back in Vietnam every name in the book, including war criminals. On April 22, 1971, Kerry became the first Vietnam veteran to testify before Congress about the war. Appearing in green fatigues (with campaign ribbons pinned to them) before a Senate committee while still a Lieutenant in the United States Navy Reserve, Kerry complained that his colleagues “…had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam in addition to the normal ravage of war, and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied bombing power of this country.” And that was just for starters! By the way, although Kerry excoriated the Nixon administration at every possible opportunity, it was Nixon’s Defense Secretary Melvin Laird who declined two requests from the Navy to court martial Reserve Lieutenant Kerry over his antiwar actions. Strange but true!

We were media superstars once, and young!  (John tells Senator Fulbright that our side sucks.) 

The day after testifying before the Senate, John and a bunch of other resentful Vietnam vets threw their medals over the White House fence. But John likes to pin his medals on whenever possible these days. WOOF happens to know that he even showed up with them pinned to his tuxedo (picture that!) at the white-tie Gridiron Club dinner in Washington last March. When Kerry was originally asked how it could be that his medals were on display in his Senate office years after he tossed them over the White House fence, he blandly explained that he’d really thrown somebody else’s medals over the fence. Oh, John!

This was the era of running around with Jane Fonda’s pals, organizing rabble off the streets to pose as disgruntled Vietnam vets and publishing a pro-Hanoi book, The New Soldier, the dust jacket of which featured John and friends mocking the Marine Corps Memorial. Almost all of these books were scrupulously hunted down and demolished during Kerry’s presidential bid in 2004—even snatched out of libraries lest some rogue newsie lay hold of a copy and report on it; but if you have one, sell it on eBay—you’ll get a healthy sum, possibly from John himself!

John has often denied having much to do with Jane Fonda.

Jane Fonda didn’t consider Washington “authentic” and therefore preferred to conduct her portion of the Winter Soldier protests in Michigan. (Who knows!) But not John, he staged Operation Dewey Canyon III on April 18, 1971, in which almost 1,000 Vietnam veterans and a whole bunch of hippies claiming to be veterans stormed the Washington’s Mall and acted out “a limited incursion into the country of Congress.”

The group staged pretend firefights on the steps of the Capitol and Supreme Court and defied U.S. Park Police after the Department of Justice issued an injunction barring it

John still likes to clench his fist now and then–see?

from camping on the Mall. The communist Daily World ballyhooed photos of John addressing his fellow protesters while pro-communist banners proliferated in the foreground.Kerry soon found himself marching alongside openly professing Reds displaying what the Boston Herald described as an “abundance of Vietcong flags, clenched fists raised in the air, and placards plainly bearing legends in support of China, Cuba, the USSR, North Korea and the Hanoi government.’”

The Mysterious Madame Binh—Red hot in the ’70s

But wait, there’s more! Kerry next traveled (or teleported, if he is in fact a Chrononaut) to Paris where, while still a member of the American military reserves, he met in secret conferences with The Dragon Lady of the Viet Cong, no less a person than the mysterious Madame Binh, top Viet Cong negotiator to the Paris Peace talks. Even today, we have no insights into how Kerry managed to arrange the meeting, how long it lasted, which high Communist officials were in attendance, or just what Kerry and Madame Binh discussed. But we do know that one result of this meeting and of Kerry’s ceaseless efforts to undermine the war effort at home was a place of honor for our next Secretary of State on the wall of the Vietnamese Communist War Remnants Museum in Communist Saigon (now called Ho Chi Minh City, of course) where his photo is proudly displayed. In it, Senator Kerry is exchanging greetings with Comrade Do Muoi, Secretary General of the Vietnamese Communist Party. So at least we know that our next Secretary of State will, whatever other honors may accrue to his glory, be a documented Communist War Remnant.

John says howdy to Communist Nicaraguan despot Paul Ortega, circa 1985, just dropping by?

Thus, when President Obama assured us yesterday that “”In a sense, John’s entire life has prepared him for this role. … John’s played a central role in every major foreign policy debate for nearly 30 years,” it becomes fairly clear what he meant, right?  And we don’t have to outline all the foreign policy debates he’s been involved in since the bad old days do we? We can’t think of a single time he’s been right about anything, except for the times he was right but then changed his mind.  After all, he was best buds with the execrable Ted Kennedy, so in a sense, from Jane Fonda to Madame Binh to Ted, poor John never had a chance to think a clear thought. But even though WOOF would personally have preferred seeing any of a  multitude of other far more worthy and capable individuals get this nomination, (especially Chuck Norris), we aren’t completely nonplussed. That President Obama chose Kerry as opposed to Jane Fonda, or Oliver Stone, or Angela Davis, or any of the people he would clearly have preferred to pick if he could get away with it, demonstrates that his total dominance of the American main stream has yet to be established. Unless….

Unless there’s a bond between these two men that goes back to Project Pegasus and the Martian jump-room expeditions reported in our Science and the Paranormal forum?  That might be worth looking into….

DOOMSDAY POSTPONED! ARMAGEDDON CANCELLED FOR TODAY–WOOF URGES CITIZENS OF EARTH TO RESUME THEIR NORMAL ROUTINES!

With a deeply-felt awareness of our announcement’s likely effect on the lives, plans, and beliefs of peoples the world over, WOOF, after much soul searching, has decided to cancel the end of the world formerly scheduled for today, December 21^st. We apologize for the short notice. See, to be perfectly honest we knew it wasn’t going to happen in the first place. We know you probably think we cheated and asked our colleague in Zug, Switzerland, Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walter (world famous futurologist, reader of the Akashic record, and former life coach to renowned monoloquist Theodore Gottleib) to check the future for us using one of his well-tested remote viewing techniques, but no, not this time, we did it ourselves! And it is, we are pleased to tell you, entirely impossible that the world can end today. How do we know? It’s simple arithmetic, really. If you understand probability theory and in particular the analysis of random phenomena held as non-deterministic quark-related systemic complexes describable by statistical mechanics when the probabilistic nature of phenomena is configured in accordance with the (second-order) law of total probability thus ensuring that marginal probabilities and conditional probabilities are not conflated, you can see how we did it. Besides, the end of the world has been predicted about a bazillion times and nobody’s been right so far, so what are the chances? Like zip, that’s what! Consider this brief and highly truncated history of the ends of the world:

Hilary of Poitiers signalling two more days, but his countdown proved delusional.

Back in the 2^nd century, AD, two doomsday predictors named Maximilla and Priscilla and a prophet named Montanus predicted that Jesus would restore Jerusalem in Phrygia around 160 AD—which he didn’t—but the cult persisted for about four centuries, and came to include Tertullian, who was a big shot theologian in those days.  In 365 AD Hilary of Poitiers predicted the world would end in 365, leaving little margin for error. Hilary, a bishop of the church whose name meant ‘happy’ was pretty unhappy about the impending apocalypse, but presumably he cheered up when the year elapsed with no doom in sight. But by 380AD, the Donatists of North Africa (another Christian sect) predicted the end of the world that very same year. But the world didn’t end—in fact, it outlasted the Donatists.

Roman theologian Sextus Julius Africanus (60-240AD) revealed the End would come 6000 years after the Creation. He did the math and somehow concluded there were 5,531 years between the Creation and the Resurrection, and confidently predicted the end would arrive as scheduled in 500 AD. A nice round number, but no apocalypse. But then came the Spanish monk Beatus of Liébana Elipandus, bishop of Toledo, who foresaw and helped precipitate an end-time panic, We were supposed to be toast on

Thiota discovered folks were really upset about missing doomsday!

Easter Eve, 793, but lasted through the year. Beatus, ever the optimist, rescheduled for 800 AD, but his followers were again disappointed. In heavy competition with Beatus was Bishop Gregory of Tours who proved mathematically that the world would end in 799, and then when that didn’t happen he proved it would end in 806, but his figures, like Beatus’s, proved incorrect. Then came 848AD and the prophetess Thiota, who got a lot of people excited just by being gorgeous and mystical and stuff,  but proved a bit of a poser when her predicted doomsday fizzled and she admitted inventing her prophecy for laughs. As a remonstrance, she was publicly flogged.  Bernard of Thuringia calculated that the earth would check out in 992, and of course the year 1000 invited a lot of apocalyptic certitude, sending much of Europe (yet again) into what might be considered a kind of Y1-K panic—but the millennial transition occurred (in 1001, actually, yes we know) and the world was still turning on its axis and no computers are reported to have crashed anywhere.

Are you beginning to get the picture here, fellow earthlings? Since the year 1000AD, just to name a few, we’ve had:John of Toledo who saw the alignment of planets dooming us on September 23, 1186; Joachim of Fiore, who liked 1200 and then 1260; Pope Innocent who struck out in 1284, Gerard of Poehlde who blew it in 1306, and look, you get the basic overview, right? So let’s skip to after America was discovered and stuff began to matter.

Cotton Mather looks puzzled as his preferred date for Armageddon comes up snake eyes!

Cotton Mather predicted a fiery judgment in 1716, having initially predicted 1697. The Shaker sect took a crack at 1792, then tried for 1794. John Wesley took a stab at 1836. William Miller told his loyal Millerites that proceedings would wrap up on March 21, 1844. He then realized an imperfection in his exegetics and explained that the correct date was really October 22^nd, which also failed to pan out. The Seventh Day Adventists were founded in the belief that 1874 marked the end, but obviously they overcame their disappointment and soldiered on. Unrivaled for his dogged tenacity, Herbert W. Armstrong of the Worldwide Church of God chose the year 1936, followed by the year 1943, followed by 1972, followed by 1975. None were winners. Meanwhile, the Jehovah’s Witnesses took another shot with 1941, piggy-backed with Mr. Armstrong in 1975 and then set their sights on October 2, 1984, a couple of years after the end of the world per Pat Robertson, who predicted November of 1982.  Back in 1967, Jim Jones (who later gave us the phrase “kool-aid drinkers” ) said the time was at hand, but the only pestilence that hit us in 1967 was the hippies. And remember Hal Lindsey? He wrote that the 1980s were the end (but he said probably so we really shouldn’t count him). Louis Farrakhan was much more definite about Gulf War One, declaring it the final war before Armageddon. And of course, we all remember self-taught exegete Harold Camping who had half the world in conniptions with his prediction of May 21, 2011—generously held over until October of the same year, but to no good end, as it were.

So why is the earth supposed to be ending today, December 21, 2012?  Well, it’s mainly the fault of the Mayans, who are extinct as a culture and cannot explain why their calendar seems to end today, let alone their weird preoccupation with tearing beating-hearts out of victim’s

Mayans intentionally raised their children to have crossed eyes–so how could they see the future?

chests. But say, if calendars ending perfunctorily predict doomsday what about the Seiko prediction? We have a Seiko phone on which the calendar ends on December 31, 2099—and if you think that’s weird, we have a colleague with Samsung cell phone and it ends on the same day! And you know what happens if you try to take it further into the future? Are you sitting down? It flashes a message that reads, “Invalid date.” So here at WOOF we’re pretty much going with December 31, 2099.  Hold us to it, gentle readers! True, the Hopi Mesoamerican Long Count calendar supposedly also ends today, 2012, but those Hopi look like they’re just along for the ride on this one—besides, they take a lot of peyote, don’t they? And their shamans’ names are hokey, like Prancing Coyote and stuff—who can take that seriously? And experts in Mayan culture – which is traceable to 250 AD in Central America and faded into the jungle by 900AD, insist that the 2012 prediction is a gross misrepresentation of the Mayan’s long-count calendar and is not reiterated in any surviving Mayan texts. Besides, why should anybody take a culture seriously that based all its most important calculations on the life cycle of maize?

And then there’s the idea that some planet named Nibiru is going to do us in because that nice lady who is in psychic contact with the UFO aliens says they warned her it’s swooping in on its vast elliptical orbit and smashing into us today. Well, we don’t doubt the lady’s sincerity but—if she would just read John A Keel or Jacques Vallee instead of listening to a bunch of stupid aliens, or, geez, just read “When Prophecy Fails,” huh lady? –she would know that the aliens are just a bunch of liars—and besides, the whole theory of  “Nibiru” is derived from the works of the late writer Zecharia Sitchin and his semi-famous interpretations of Babylonian and Sumerian mythology, and the problem with believing this is that a) it was mythology—hello? And b) Sitchin himself denied any connection between his work and various claims of an impending apocalypse, and c) he, Sitchin, never accepted the obvious reality of the earth’s being hollow, so he can’t be all that reliable to begin with!

Planet Nibiru scheduled to hit earth today! (Not!)

SO: Is there any reliable evidence that earth will end on this day? The only really troubling indications that we may actually be doomed are found in the disquieting fact that both NASA and the Obama administration have taken pains to assure us there is nothing to worry about—that none of the doomsday prophecies associated with this date are in any respect valid. But even in the face of these admittedly consternating pronouncements, WOOF confidently declares the earth’s destruction to be cancelled for today, and postponed until at least 2099. Doubt us today, fellow earthlings, if you so choose—but you’ll be thanking us tomorrow! See you then! Don’t sell short! We’re here for you! ________________________________________________________

Come on now–a world with PETA in it is better than no world at all!

WILL THE INFAMOUS 9th CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS SINK TV’S FUNNIEST PROGRAM?

Let’s face it, everyone loves whales—and everyone hates the 9^th Circuit Court of appeals—and as Gary Lewis once musically reminded us, everybody loves a clown—so what a complexity of enthusiasms course through our brains as those lubberly Looney-tunes from the Animal Channel’s “Whale Wars” are hauled before the most-reversed court in the nation to hear an appeal by Japanese whalers to the effect that the good ship Steve Irwin (named after the crocodile guy, but he was dead at the time) and her crew are a menace to navigation and just about everything and everybody else afloat! One hopes that the anti-whaling Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, which puts to sea repeatedly to harass Japanese whaling operations will send lawyers to the Seattle based court rather than the stalwart crew of the good ship Steve, because the crew would, without doubt, get lost trying to find the place, argue, bicker, back bite one another, lose all cohesion as a unit and erupt into hissy fits plus one or two crying jags, without ever arriving.

If you haven’t tuned in the “reality” television show Whale Wars, you are missing one of the great comic events of recent years—the spectacle of a crew composed of

No previous sea-going comedy can touch “Whale Wars” for zany antics and pratfalls!

hilariously inept hippy-dippy do-gooders caught up in a brain-dead crusade to save a whale—any whale. And after at least five seasons it is fair to say they have never come close. But therein lies the program’s irresistible draw. Whale Wars is the keystone cops on the high seas—the ever-enticing allure of self-serious, monomaniacally sanctimonious bunglers making a hash of everything they set a hand to, and all on record for our personal amusement.

The problem seems to be that one cannot muster a crew of experienced sailors dopey enough to subscribe to the creed and comportment demanded by the Sea Shepherd Society, (including an all-vegan on-board mess menu) and as the only available option, a bizarre assortment of stoners, environuts, collegiate space cases and bitchy hippy chicks got the job—all without any particular experience—and all led by their redoubtable skipper, Paul Watson, a guy so nuts he got kicked out of Green Peace for radicalism—though he seems to be the only hand aboard who knows a scupper from a binnacle.

Arrghh! Captain Paul flanked by those old salts Arianna Huffington and AP president Marjorie Kaplan. 

During any hour-long episode one can sit and gleefully watch the entire complement of the Steve Irwin making hopeless marplots of themselves. They may lower their high-dollar Zodiac speed boat to intercept a Japanese whaling ship, at which juncture the Zodiac–with crew aboard– hits the water slantwise and flips over, requiring rescue; they may intrepidly board a whaling vessel only to be taken hostage when skipper Watson changes course without retrieving his boarding crew; they may repeatedly attempt to get their helicopter—which never works—aloft despite the protests from the chopper pilot that it isn’t safe to fly; or send their super modern racing ship (a contribution from its original owner) into the path of a whaler that unavoidably hits it, slices it in half and sends it to the bottom; or they may become dangerously enmeshed in ice flows, first because the crew has no idea what it’s doing and then because the weirdo placed at the helm all night ignores his instructions and follows his psychic impressions instead—getting them into so much additional ice that Captain Paul has to interrupt his habitual writing of poetry (about whales) in his cabin and come out to steer. We especially enjoyed the climax to the first season when Captain Paul clutched his chest yelling “I’m hit!” (despite the fact that nobody was shooting at him) and produced a bullet from under his sweater claiming that his trusty bullet proof vest (which he displayed the uncanny foresight to be wearing) had stopped it. This was offered as evidence of the sheer malignancy of the wily whaling creeps.

Well, at least the radio still works! And the valiant crew of the “Steve Irwin” will forge ahead no matter what breaks next!

Life below decks in the off hours is equally entertaining as each social misfit takes a turn whining, inveighing against the fates, criticizing the skipper, or lashing out at other crew members for affronts real and imagined. When the ship’s fresh water supply is depleted in one episode, (oops!) the crew cravenly radios the whaling ship they’ve just tormented, requesting fresh water. The level of indignation when none is forthcoming is a laugh riot.

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals — overturned 68% of the time!

So don’t miss Whale Wars, dear readers, it’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys—and very aptly compared to a barrel of monkeys, come to think of it—and wish them well in their dealings with the only land-locked organization as profoundly disconnected from reality and as self-indulgently intragint as themselves: The 9^th District Court of Appeals! The court issued an injunction recently debarring the Sea Shepherd from coming within 500 yards of Japanese whaling ships in Antarctic waters while it contemplates the Japanese side of the argument—but we don’t think the Steve Irwin will be dry-docked by the court—far from it; for what is the 9^th Circuit but a a veritable cauldron of like minded Utopians? And who better to free the fatuous laughing stock aboard the (remaining) Sea Shepherd ships than the fatuous laughing stock that is the 9^th Circuit Court?  Ahoy, maties, WOOF predicts that Captain Paul and his dysphoric rabble will cast off shortly for more fun afloat, springing leaks, losing tempers, and making general nuisances of themselves upon the bounding main—unless they screw up and go after a Russian whaler, of course—those Ruskies would sink this series in a heartbeat!

Linda Darnell had her differences with Robert Newton in “Blackbeard,” but even her on-board kvetching never reached Whale-Wars proportions!

WOOF awards Whale Wars 4 “Backstroms,” withholding the fifth which is awarded only to intentionally-hilarious comedy programs.

HALEY DROPS WEST WITHOUT EXPLANATION; APPOINTS SCOTT IN 11th HOUR SHOCKER!

WOOF is saddened to report that South Carolina’s beautiful and talented Governor, Nikki Haley, chose to ignore the excellent advice she received in these pages last week, and jolted patriots everywhere with her surprise pick of Tim Scott, formerly of the House of Representatives, to replace the outgoing Jim DeMint who has been pressured by unknown conspirators into leaving office, ostensibly to become the Director of the moderate political think tank, the Heritage Foundation.

Haley under obvious pressure to drop the West appointment did not mention him during Scott’s official naming.

Haley, looking lovely in a sensible, muted purple dress suit, insisted, “It is with great pleasure that I am announcing our next U.S. senator to be Congressman Tim Scott,” Haley added, “I am strongly convinced that the entire state understands that this is the right U.S. senator for our state and our country.” Shocked observers noted the glaring omission of any mention of the alternative selectee, former Florida Representative Allen West, whom WOOF recommended to Nikki Haley in a stroke of political-cum-Machiavellian genius only last week. What prevented the striking South

Clearly caught off guard by his appointment in West’s stead, Scott vows to make the most of his surprise selection!

Carolina Governor from so much as explaining her motives in ignoring WOOF’s plan for this Senate selection that we offered together with complete instructions on how to finesse the minor residency issues?  Who got to Nikki Haley? WOOF wishes to emphasize two points here despite its undeniable disappointment in the Governor’s actions. First, no matter what sort of pressure was brought against her by the Worldwide Totalitarian Socialist Conspiracy, WOOF believes that this irresponsible action by the Governor is the exception rather than the rule in a career of solid, all-American right-wingery; and WOOF continues to believe that Nikki Haley is a fine American and a true patriot deserving of our continued support. Also, WOOF believes that Tim Scott will prove a beneficial addition to the roster of Republican Senators in Washington, inasmuch as he has, while in the House, acquired the reputation of being a fine exemplar of center-right politics and middle American ideals.

Further, WOOF magnanimously congratulates Senator Scott on his elevation to the upper body of Congress,

Colonel West appears grateful for WOOF’s support despite last minute dumping by Haley.

but simultaneously enjoins him to carry forth the fight that Representative West was championing in the House of Representatives. Senator Scott, sir, with all respect, Allen West knows, we know, and we believe you know the facts. As Congressman West bravely stated, “There’s about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party that are members of the Communist Party.” WOOF’s special file on communist subversion at the highest levels of government and elsewhere inside America, Classic Western Home-runs (it’s code!) confirms these figures but also includes the names of quite a few communists and fellow travelers in the Senate as well! Pledge now, sir, we beg you; while there is still time! Carry on Congressman West’s valiant fight against the enemies of America who flourish in both legislative bodies and throughout the subversive news media! Hunt them down—hunt them even to the Oval Office, but carry on the good fight! WOOF is undeniably sorry that unnamed, clandestine, nefarious combinations succeeded in dissuading Governor Haley from pursuing WOOF’s common-sense policy proposal that she appoint Allen West to the Senate—but this is your time, Senator Tim Scott; and is there any among us who will not say, “Take it to the enemy within–and give ‘em what they have coming, sir!”

Remember, Senator Scott—Thomas Jefferson once shot a man on the White House lawn for treason!* Can any of us aspire, in our own ways and within the compass of our own talents and opportunities, to do less?  Good luck, Senator Scott, and God’s speed!

Fact: Halle Berry appeared in the movie “Swordfish.”

*In its ongoing efforts to maintain only the highest standards of online journalism, WOOF wishes to acknowledge that Thomas Jefferson almost certainly did not shoot anybody on the White House lawn, despite considerable Internet debate on the issue. The story seems to have arisen from John Travolta’s advertence to such an event in the film “Swordfish,” which was a good movie, and we just like the quote. The writers of “Swordfish” are rumored to have misconstrued a distorted version of the shooting of Vince Foster on the White House lawn by Hillary Clinton—but WOOF has never been able to confirm that event, either!

Jane Fonda, seen here manning a Communist anti-aircraft gun during the Vietnam War is one of many traitors we know Thomas Jefferson did not shoot.

SUN RISES ON THE RIGHT FOR ENLIGHTENED JAPANESE VOTERS!

Honest Abe scores stunning victory in Japan

Great news, fellow world watchers! The Liberal Democratic Party just won a big election sweep in Japan! Go LDP, go! And why, you might ask, would WOOF be enthusiastic about the Liberal Democrats winning 300 parliamentary and 480 lower-house seats while their kindred spirits in the New Komeito party picked up 30 seats? What’s good about that, you ask?  Simple! (And yet, strangely complex!) In Japan the Liberal Democratic Party is the Conservative party! Ah so! The party of hawks and tax cutters—say, no wonder they call the Japanese inscrutable, huh?

 TRUE FACT: Conservative Senator S. I. Hayakawa was of Japanese ancestry!

And notwithstanding the “recent unpleasantness” (you know, Pearl Harbor, Bataan, and all that other history you wouldhave to go to an American public school not to know anything about) we are big fans of karate and sushi, and those great Akira Kurasowa movies that gave us the plot lines for all our classic westerns—and we really do wish the Japanese people well. Thus we really hope this deadlock-busting conservative victory of about 20 hours ago helps unleash the world’s third biggest economy so we can get some toys at McDonalds that are made in Japan instead of Red China! Of course, just to make matters even more inscrutable than ever, the new government of Shinzo Abe was also the former government of Shinzo Abe, but Abe got sick and quit, and was replaced by a (liberal) Liberal named Noda who came to power in 2009 promising to pay more attention to consumers than corporations (obvious commie talk) and proceeded to reduce the economy to rubble while also allowing a tidal wave to hit Northern Japan in 2011. In brief, things were so utterly underwater that the ruling leftist Democratic Party (not the good Liberal Democratic Party, which is good, but the bad Democratic Party, which is bad) suffered a humiliating defeat yesterday, which is good. So complete was the liberal Liberal party’s discomfiture that the disgraced Noda resigned on the spot, telling reporters that, “We failed to meet the people’s hopes after three and a half years.” No word yet as to whether Noda or any of his fellow disenfranchised Leftists have done anything –you know—honorable.

Economics appear to have played a major role in the election, as many experts believe disenchanted voters put Abe back in power partly because of his promise to ease monetary policy and increase fiscal spending which would be really, really bad, except that it could be temporarily good because the yen slumped to its lowest over the last 18 months against the U.S. dollar on the news of Abe’s election triumph, which would be really bad, except you have to bear in mind that it’s actually good, because the economic difficulties Japan faces are mainly associated with a strong yen and the perils of deflation, so a weakened yen, which would be good, is what the Abe government is striving to achieve.

Godzilla — just one of many highly successful Japanese exports!

Tough enough? Japanese Karate genius “Cat” Yamaguchi was way tougher than any Kung-fu fighters!

Combined with his yen for more yen adding up to fewer dollars, Abe is considering the forthcoming 2014 hikes in sales taxes, which are bad, except that Abe is talking about postponing them, which is good. Also of note is the new government’s pledge to take steps to stand up to military provocations coming from Red China (whose MiGs tend to “stray” into Japanese air space) and Communist North Korea (they being proclived to shoot missiles at Japan for sport, although so far none of them have carried warheads). A major regional news agency has emphasized that, “It is a troubling sign that some [elements of the new Abe government] have pledged to take a tough stance on territorialdisputes and boost military spending to woo rightist voters.” The source went on to say that this would increase tensions “with neighbors in the region” and increase nationalism, which the source denounced as very very bad, except that the source of these views is Xinhuanet, the Chinese Communist news agency, considered by many experts to be even more radical than Reuters and the AP. So it doesn’t take an Edward Teller to figure out that whatever Xinhuanet thinks is bad is good—like standing up to the commies over the hotly disputed Senkaku cluster of islands in the East China Sea which WOOF has learned are uninhabited, but the Chinese want them so WOOF firmly believes that the Japanese should hang onto them. Speaking at his first news conference, Abe reaffirmed Tokyo’s historic claim of sovereignty over the island group, saying, “China is challenging the fact that [the islands] are Japan’s inherent territory…our objective is to stop the challenge.”  And in case you don’t think that’s good, dear readers, consider this: The subversive New York Times opined only hours ago that, “the dominant view [meaning the New York Time’s view] of Sunday’s vote was that it was not so much a weakening of Japan’s desire for drastic change, or a swing to an anti-Chinese right, as a rebuke of the incumbent….”  So we can clearly rest assured that what we have here is weakening of Japan’s desire for “change” (which is what the Times often calls radical Liberalism) combined with a swing to the anti-Chinese right! And to that, WOOF says, banzai!

True Fact: Japanese model Saki Yamaguchi has the same last name as the famous Karate expert–yet does not appear to be a close relation!

MORE AMERICANS NOW REALIZE THIS MAN IS NOT BENGHAZI!

Ben Gazzara–no longer mistaken for second largest city in Libya?

For several weeks now, Americans have remained frustratingly uniformed regarding the recent debacle in Benghazi—some, when asked to identify the word, believed it to be a reference to the late actor Ben Gazzara.  But Americans are traditionally slow to catch on. When Watergate happened in 1972—that is, in brief, when Richard Nixon’s guys, led by G. Gordon Liddy, broke into the Watergate Hotel to bug the offices of the Democratic Party, just as the Democratic Party had bugged Goldwater’s campaign headquarters in 1964, and Nixon’s in 1968, a funny thing happened. They got caught. But an interesting thing at the time was that absolutely nobody cared. Well, almost

Nixon — an endearing moment.

nobody. The news divisions at the TV Networks cared, as did the Washington Post—and there followed a six month media campaign of non-stop caterwauling aimed at making the gosh darned American people care too. During these tense days, a favorite media tactic was the man-on-the-street interview. The reporter (they were colorless and interchangeable then as now) would stop some hapless dweeb trying to make his way home from the office and ask him, “Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me, what is: Watergate?” And of course the interviewee would predictably not know, sometimes offering an hilariously erroneous speculation. The interviewing reporter would then heave a sigh of

Fact: While “Deepthroat” was code for the secret source Washington Post reporters relied upon in their Watergate investigation, the source was not Linda Lovelace!

exasperation at the camera and “throw” to the news room where the blown-dry-Chiclet-toothed guy anchor would swivel his chair toward the lobotomized-blond girl anchor, and the pair would engage in a frantic on-camera discussion about what to do about a nation of doltish yawps unaware of the biggest story in American history—a botched burglary. After months of exposure to this, the American people bovinely sensed that they were supposed to care, Watergate gained traction, and Nixon, a man so paranoid that he taped his own phone conversations, was obliged to resign the office of the Presidency.

This is hard to understand today, when the current President can refuse to produce a physical copy of a long form birth certificate; refuse to release his college records (almost certainly because they would show that he registered as a foreign student); take over General Motors by staging “Kangaroo” Bankruptcy proceedings in which stock holders were robbed of their legitimate holdings by Presidential fiat; conspire with his racist Attorney General to allow members of the New Black

Holder and Obama at work circumventing the Constitution

Panther Party to go uncharged even after they confessed to armed voter intimidation at polling places during the President’s election in 2008; be named by involved politicos as party to bribery to gain their votes during the Obama-care imbroglio; send American war planes to bomb and strafe Libyans despite the fact that Libya posed no discernible threat to the U.S; fail utterly to perform his Constitutional duty to enforce immigration law while suing the sovereign state of Arizona for doing it for him; appoint innumerable “Czars” to cabinet level positions, many of whom are known Communists or “fellow travelers” without submitting them for Congressional advice and consent; order the Federal Communications Commission to enact regulations giving the federal government control of the Internet and its contents in direct contravention of the United States Supreme Court; conspire with his Attorney General (we called him racist before, and he still is, it just gets boring saying so) to sell American guns to Mexican drug lords; unilaterally halt offshore drilling for oil without authority, ignore at least three court orders from Federal Judge Martin Feldman in New Orleans to lift his ban on offshore drilling; ram a National Defense Authorization Act through a seemingly oblivious Congress giving himself absolute authority to arrest any American citizen on U.S. soil, holding them without trial for so long as the President thinks he may suspect them of terrorist ties; and actively seek to subvert the Constitution in order to advance the nationalization of auto industries, banks, insurance companies, and medical treatment. So it may be a bit hard to figure at this point in history, how Nixon got forced out of office over an attempt to put a microphone in the Democrats’ campaign headquarters—but this brings us, gentle readers, to our point. Yes, at long last, our point!   

Alert WOOF followers may have noted how a similar dislocation of American attentiveness benefited the Obama administration in the run-up to the 2012 election (during which it obviously behooved the Monolithic Media Establishment to cover for its beloved First Marxist by ignoring to death the disgusting details of his misconduct last September 11th when the American Consulate in Benghazi was hit with a carefully planned terrorist action resulting in the violent murder of four Americans, one the Ambassador to Libya (who was also homosexually raped–and how is that Islamic?–but let’s stick to murdered for the sake of brevity).  And all of this was supposed to blow over, because nowadays the dweeb on the street who thinks that “Benghazi” was the actor who got killed by Patrick Swayze in “Road House” isn’t disparaged by the News Media at all—no, nowadays he IS the News Media, today’s newscasters having themselves replaced the schmuck on his way home with a head full of Show Biz and NFL trivia and no time to focus on anything genuinely portentous… yes, today’s media are, in less metaphoric terms, a ludicrous assemblage of jabbering leftwing propagandists and Administration sycophants whose attitude toward four years of impeachable offenses by the President is personified by the monkeys carved into the 17^th Century Tosho-gu Shrine in Japan…you know the ones we mean: See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil—at least never of anybody to the approximate left of, say, Diane Sawyer.

Major network news anchors zero in on the Benghazi scandal.

But some members of Congress have not gotten the memo. Some members of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs refused to blink, even when the media called them slathering racists for pointing out that the President’s UN ambassador, the remarkably indistinct Susan Rice, was obviously misleading the public when she spent an entire Sunday explaining to all of the bobble-head pundits on “Meet the Press” and its assorted network clones that the whole thing was a “flash mob” distressed over a 15 minute video on YouTube that to date absolutely nobody seems to have watched, including Al Qaeda  The President then told the same pack of obvious lies to the United Nations, where, of course, humbug is considered  traditional, after which Secretary of State Clinton (recent winner of WOOF’s “Dullie” Award for Statespersonship) assured the grieving father of one of the dead SEALs that he didn’t need to worry “because we’re going to get that guy who made that film!”

Susan Rice trying to remember who told her it was all because of that stupid movie….

Congress was supposed to get the message and play ball, not remain nosy and aggressive like a bunch of knuckle-dragging McCarthyites for heavens sake– but the stench from Benghazi and its seemingly deliberate mismanagement by the President only grew more noisome over October and November, and the Media effort to ignore it to death has not succeeded. The smell grew smellier still when the Central Intelligence Agency’s Director suddenly resigned, ostensibly because he had a mistress (!?) and then gave testimony before Congress without being sworn in. Next, the less-than-candid candidate for Secretary of State, the President’s friend and preternaturally forgettable UN Ambassador, Susan Rice had her nomination abruptly withdrawn by the White House immediately following Obama’s rock-solid expression of total confidence in her during one of his legendarily rare press conferences. Strangest of all, perhaps, the 20 or so wounded Americans who were evacuated from Benghazi after the six hour battle pitting two SEALS against a screaming mob of Al Qaeda  terrorists (the SEALS won on points, by the way) have been hidden by the Administration and their names have been withheld from the House committee members investigating the disaster—this has no precedent in American history. Finally, Hillary Clinton, having said that she was looking forward to testifying on the matter on December 20, next sent aids to insinuate that she wouldn’t appear after all, thank you, she having developed one of those pesky “scheduling issues,” and when this failed to dampen the committee’s interest in her testimony, she reported today, Saturday, December 15, that she had developed the tummy flu, which caused her to faint, which caused her to hit her head, which gave her a concussion, which meant she couldn’t testify—WOOF is not making this up, gentle readers! (And say, can’t those concussions affect your memory?)

Benghazi? A movie? Six hour battle? The last thing I remember was hitting my head on the floor!

This should all have worked, too, of course, permitting the slavishly-accommodating media to move the crowds along, chanting “nothing to see here, folks,” as is their wont—but a couple of Republicans in Congress (Ed Royce, CA, and Jason Chaffetz, Utah) seem be taking their responsibilities and their oaths seriously and dragging less adamant constituents of the House Foreign Affairs Committee (e.g., John Kerry) along to the fight. But don’t get too hopeful, gentle reader—they still haven’t issued any subpoenas.

Obama was busy on 9/11 doing his scheduled appearance on the “Pimp with a Limp” show.

The important thing to bear in mind is that four Americans died including two SEALS in the defense of an American “safe house” to which the American Ambassador had been evacuated (for his safety) after the first waves of planned, orchestrated terror broke over the American Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, on September 11, 2012. We also know that repeated requests from the CIA and military assets in the immediate vicinity to hurry to the rescue of the embattled safe house were repeatedly rebuffed by the Obama regime. Despite an AC130 gunship orbiting the area and repeatedly requesting a shoot order, the Administration refused any support during the entire course of the battle, which lasted six bloody hours before our naked, sexually assaulted Ambassador was dragged through the streets by cheering crowds. We know by process of elimination that the President of the United States either sat on his presidential fundament and watched the slaughter unfold on the widescreen in his situation room, or was somehow off doing other things, (like appearing on the “Pimp with a Limp” program) and simply couldn’t be bothered to send in the “Marine Corpse.”

We also know that recent polls indicate that Americans believe the President should have intervened militarily during the prolonged battle by a majority of 65-24 percent. In addition, 48 percent say the administration is engaged in a cover up of the incident while 42 percent are obviously dope-smoking, lock-step-commie-pinko ninny hammers who couldn’t think a sane thought if their trust funds depended on it, and of course, the usual ten percent that still thinks Benghazi was that actor who got killed at the end of “Road House” and used to be in “Run for Your Life” in the mid-60s. But that’s progress, dear readers! And now, as usual, you are utterly up to speed on the latest demurrals from Foggy Bottom and the dastardly ducks and deceptions from the West Wing—and newer WOOF readers can now successfully distinguish between Benghazi and Ben Gazzara, who was also in “Arrest and Trial” with Chuck Connors in the early ‘60’s, remember that show?  That was a good show; they ought to put that show on DVDs or something.

Just a thought.

PELOSI REMARKS JUST THE LATEST IN DEMOCRAT WAR ON PAGANS?

Nancy Pelosi–witch hunter?

What she was actually trying to say remains, as is so often the case, anybody’s guess—but Nancy Pelosi’s meandering, incoherent remarks of yesterday cannot be dismissed by men and women of good conscience as just another example of the woman’s signature traulism—just more dysphonic evidence of botox-induced aphasia—no! For if what we heard in House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s sputterings of the day gone by was no worse than the usual irrational incoherencies she subjects us to, it was what we decidedly did NOT hear that conjured dark images of burnings, drownings, torturous persecutions, and organized state-sanctioned violence visited upon helpless minorities from a cold, forgotten chamber of our collective National psyche!  The low blow struck a new level of degeneracy in the Minority Leader’s long history of rhetorical and moral devolutions and we here at WOOF say, it’s time to put away our differences with those of strange or distal faiths long enough to shout “Enough, Madam! Enough! Is there no end to your effronteries?!”

Joan of Arc burns in Rouen–have we learned nothing since 1431?

In her remarks from the House floor, Pelosi gave voice to her concern that Americans do not have enough to spend on shopping this Holiday Season, which indisputable fact she seemed somehow to attribute to their not being taxed enough. She insisted that Americans wanted to have the President’s higher taxes and higher debt ceiling hurried through Congress over the protests of Grinch-like Republicans so they, the American people, could enjoy a holiday free of concern over “bonding rituals.” Pelosi asked plaintively if “we” had stopped caring about the aforementioned bonding rituals, so important to our society. “Do we not care about that?” She pondered rhetorically—adding “Well, the American people do, and they want to shop for it!”

WOOF wants to make it clear that if your family is brought together by shopping for bonding rituals over Christmas, that’s fine with us—we at WOOF harbor strong Libertarian tendencies. But the stunner came when Pelosi carefully listed the significant celebrations of Yuletide, crying to the galleries, “Is there not an appreciation for the

Typical leftist smear of witches aimed at Christine O’Donnell enraged pagans; won WOOF’s 2010 award for lousiest Photoshop project of year.

Jewish holidays? The Christmas holiday? Kwanzaa? “ …and then made a decided point of halting her references precisely there!  One can hear for oneself, on the widely circulated video, the dumbstruck silence in the wake of the Minority Leader’s glaring omission of…Solstice! Worse, this follows a pattern of Democrat party witch-baiting, one clear and undeniable example of which is the unfounded smear campaign run out of the White House against WOOF’s 2012 presidential nominee, Christine O’Donnell during her bid for a congressional seat in 2010…a campaign of such insensate virulence that Miss O’Donnell was forced to take to the airwaves to deny being a witch, which she is not—although she’d make a cute one.

Mrs. Pelosi, for your information madam, there are well over 700,000 Wiccans and assorted other pagan religionists living in the United States alone, according to the authoritative American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS) of 2008, and they hold Solstice sacred, Mrs. Pelosi—a time of wintry celebration that predates Christ’s earthly mission and has infused itself in many Christian and secular traditions! To these misguided but constitutionally-protected American witches, the Great Wheel turns to the season of Yule and the universally celebrated festival of Midwinter whose roots go back to the Stone Age, Mrs. Pelosi, and are traceable to Roman and ancient Germanic times—and at this most significant sabbat on the pagan calendar, you snub them? Rudely, with manifest premeditation—you simply eject them from the American roll call? Mrs. Pelosi, we at WOOF believe you go too far!

Non-black Liberals celebrating exclusively Black holiday–sensitive, or just silly?

You managed to mention Kwanzaa, after all, a holiday that traces its ancient traditions back to 1966 when it was invented by a Communist named Ron Karenga who was jailed for assault and the torture of two women and whose prison psychiatrist pointed out that he tended to have conversations with his blanket, and imaginary visitors while complaining frequently of being attacked by dive bombers. Besides, Mrs. Pelosi, according to a BIGresearch poll of 2004, only about 1.6 million Americans celebrated Kwanzaa that year, and the numbers grow fewer each year.  And let’s be frank: those people are mainly white liberals who want

Fact: Although not actually a witch, Kim Novak played one in “Bell.Book And Candle.”

to look sensitive, college professors who are in love with the Marxist principles the holiday embraces, and Maya Angelou. Just to put this in proportion for you, Mrs Pelosi, that means more Americans say they’ve been abducted by UFOs than say they celebrate Kwanzaa! (Although to be fair, the one population may subsume the other to an extent.)

So where’s the sense of proportionality here, Nancy?  Hmm? Sure, you can celebrate Kwanzaa if you want to—for that matter, we here at WOOF will defend your right to celebrate National Fruitcake Awareness Day (December 27^th,by the way) if you want to. Just lay off those pagans, okay? They may be lost lambs of the spirit, and WOOF suspects without actually checking that most of them probably vote liberal—but to give them the cold shoulder in so starkly calculated and unfeeling a manner? No, Mrs. Pelosi—it is religious bigotry at its ugliest and it will not serve! WOOF calls on you here and now to issue a public apology for your crude rejection of this historically oppressed minority. You’re big enough to put this behind you, Mrs. Pelosi—show some class!

Despite Leftist slurs and insinuations, most pagans live normal, productive lives!