Good news, fellow Americans! The North Koreans may have developed the A-Bomb (after President Clinton successfully got them to give up their nuclear program, remember that triumph?) and the capacity to lob one into downtown San Francisco via their new ICBM that we let them develop, and the Iranians will soon be able to do the same, as well as blow Israel off the map, as well as blow up the Straits of Hormuz—but don’t fret yourselves, because you are safe from 16 year olds in Galloway Township New Jersey! Yessir, one of them nut cases went and doodled something in his school notebook—and as if that weren’t suspicious enough, apparently he went and doodled a gloved hand shooting flames, although other reports say (gasp!) he doodled a weapon. Fortunately, quick witted liberal teachers spotted this nefarious precursor to mass mayhem!
The school superintendent lost no time assuring the press that the public should be “thankful that we had a staff member that (saw something that) caused her some concern, and that she had the sense toreport it to school officials. These are things that teachers receive training on all the time.” Yes! Training evidently exists to ferret out sixteen year old boys who doodle weapons, or hands shooting flames out of them, or Lord knows what other fiendish evincements of psycho-pathological derangement! How fortunate we are, dear readers, that our schools are now bursting with highly trained super sleuths disguised as teachers who can sniff out these maniacs before they can strike, and keen-eyed guardians of the commonweal like the superintendent of Cedar Creek High School (home of the Pirates!) who fully support and applaud the preemptive actions of their cadres of self-educated psychiatric art analysts!! Greater EggHarbor (we didn’t make that up!) RegionalHighSchool District Superintendent, Steve Ciccariello, said that his teacher saw “hand-drawn pictures” of what appeared to be weapons in the boy’s personal notebook and sprang into action!
Well sir, the police were summoned, and darned if they didn’t look at those terrifying doodles that 16-year-old boy drew! And darned if they didn’t “appear to resemble weapons,” according to unnamed police officials—so they took that deranged young rascal into custody iswhat they did! And in case you don’t think this kid was crafty, listen to this part: Police Chief Pat Moran stated in relation to this case that “no threats were made by the student and there was no indication there was any danger posed to anyone or property at the school.” Now, think about that! If you are going to visit unholy bedlam on a population, isn’t that the first thing you wouldn’t do? You wouldn’t tip your hand, right? You wouldn’t make any threats and you wouldn’t give any indication that you posed a danger, right? Right! And this little monster saw it just that way, dear readers—he deviously didn’t do any of those things! Clearly, the writing was on the wall.
No sooner had the police been summoned than they reviewed the sketchy sketches and performed a perfunctory projective psychological assessment based on, we assume, the current TSA manual of on-the-scene instant art analysis, based, we assume, on the collected works of Ernst Kris— wouldn’t you think? After all there are various approaches to this, but the classic insights of Dr. Kris who not only practiced as a psychoanalyst but also worked as an art historian and combined these fields to develop a psychoanalytical interpretation of works of art as particularly considered in his Imago study, Ein geisteskranker Bildhauer and his classic work “Psychoanalytic Explorations in Art,” seem to have informed the conclusions drawn in this instance. Chief Moran did not mention whether this was the specific foundation his officers relied upon in reaching their determination in this instance, but WOOF’s experts consider it likely, given their level of certitude, that Superintendent Ciccariello’s teachers trained using Kris’s insights, or at a minimum must have studied the psycho-fantastical interpretations of Bruno Bettelheim and the radical Objects-Relationsists, particularly Cashdan.
But no matter what intellectual wellsprings led them to their speedy determinations, we may thank Heaven for their time spent in study, for no sooner was this ticking time bomb of a 16-year old waylaid for his scurrilous scribbling than investigators from the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office rushed to his home on East Spencer Lane where—brace yourselves, gentle readers—they found several “types of chemicals that when mixed together could cause an explosion,” according to police sources.
As a public service, WOOF asked our Science and Technology Directorate to offer some suggestions as to what sorts of chemicals may have been found in the young man’s home. The list that we were offered included such exotic items as pool sanitizer, acetone, Drano, chlorate mixtures, isopropyl ether, hydrogen peroxide, bleach, zinc tablets, and ammonium liquids, not to mention fertilizer. Even more chilling, none of these or any other equally suspect chemicals had, at the point of the investigation, been mixed into any actual explosive combinations and thus the bomb sniffing dogs brought to the scene did not alert to any of them! Obviously, the intent here was to thwart the bomb sniffing K-9 units by not having bombs! And as if that weren’t enough, police also discovered various gadgets and electronic items that could be used to make a bomb—you know, like a cell phone, and batteries–and the kid and his mom tried to explain this by saying that the school he attends, Cedar Creek, (home of the Pirates!) is a magnet school for kids interested in engineering and gadgetry and that he likes to take things apart and put them together. Sure! Tell that to the Atlantic City Police Department’s Bomb Squad, the Oceanville fire department, Galloway EMS, Egg Harbor City police, the K9s of Hamilton Township Police Department, the Atlantic City Police Department, Gloucester County Sheriff’s Department, Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department, Millville Police Department and Salem County Sheriff’s Department all of whom assisted with the investigation!
At the terminus of this exemplary combined-forces operation, Chief Moran declared that “There was no indication he [the kid] was making a bomb, or using a bomb or detonating a bomb,” adding that the family and the student cooperated with the department during the investigation. Evidently on this basis, the student was promptly charged with possession of an explosive device, and was placed in Harborfield’s Detention Center where he is currently cooling his heals, soon to be joined, we can only suppose, by any other would-be terrorists who doodle gloves with flames coming out of them—or anything else you might see in any comic book published over the last 70 years!
Now, we hear from you readers, and a lot of you tell us you think we make stuff up. We aren’t sure why on earth you have that impression, frankly, but many of you do, apparently, so listen, we swear that every word of the above account is true and correct according to our most trusted sources—but here’s the part we just know you’re going to think we’re kidding you about—but we’re not! Honest! If you want to know who has come to the legal rescue of the 16 year old kid who drew in his notebook and wound up in the slammer, it sure isn’t the ACLU. No, it’s the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. No, really, it is. Don’t believe us? Just email them at firstname.lastname@example.org or give them a call at (212) 679-7151. Tell them WOOF says hi. We are not affiliated, by the way, and the CBLDF may be a bunch of commies for all we know—but at least they care!