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“Are You a Boy, or Are You a Girl?”

In "See you in the funnies" forum on September 14, 2022 at 3:53 pm

In which WOOF’s editor in chief, Old Bugler, expresses his up-to-the-minute-if-frustratingly-excursive views on nothing but 100% guaranteed genuine news, mostly in the annoyingly officious third-person, as befits his station!   


If you are as old, or nearly as old, as your humble editor–and granted, few are–you may recall a rock tune from the mid-sixties by a lesser known combo called The Barbarians. They scored a minor hit querying: “Are you a boy, or are you a girl?” The succeeding line, if memory serves, was,“If you’re not a girl, then you come from Liverpool!” It was funny in 1965 because it lampooned a sizable subset of American society that gloried in blaring the titular interrogative at any passing lad sporting hair past the tips of his ears. If you were so assailed in that era, you may recall that none of the assailing dullards seemed able to conceive any wittier insult, and seemed uniformly convinced that screaming “are you a boy or are you a girl?”constituted the ultimate squelch.

But whether you were a screaming dullard, or the recipient of the dullards’ taunts, you recognized the question was (albeit insultingly) binary. In other words you had only two available responses (or you could resist responding altogether, or you could break the issuer’s jaw)… No one in the Barbarians thought to include any alternatives, nor would it have occurred to recipients of the query to explain they were, in fact, “questioning” or “non-binary.” Nobody would have understood such gobbledygook, whereas nowadays we pretend to.

Then as now, however, with occasional hermaphroditic exceptions, all babies came in two varieties, which is to say “boys” and “girls.” It was easy to tell, because boys had penises and girls had vaginas. In fact, the same holds true nowadays. And, however briefly, babies are assigned one of two genders in the hospital, or yes, even by enlightened midwives, because the issuers of birth certificates are either unwoke, or, more probably, sensible of the insufficient space on birth certificates to accommodate whichever clusters of the 82 (currently available) ‘genders’ may appeal to woke moms and dads, dads and dads, or moms and moms. But yes, your editor has already committed an unpardonable sin–he has just confused gender with sex. Oops!

Oops!

Have you noticed how important such nice distinctions seem to liberal pundits? They relish imposing them at moments selected to disconcert the naive; usually college students eager to confuse paradox with profundity. These pedagogic slicksters bask in the stir their counter-intuitive assertions provoke:

“Rape,” the woke professor assures his dumbstruck students,”is not about sex!” Similarly, “the Civil War was not about slavery!” And of course–I admit the ‘error’–“Gender is not about sex–” an arguable lexicographic point rendered moot by repeated draggings (no pun intended) through the muck of  contemporary academe.  A few of us recall a day in which college professors contributed their insights to refining usage notes in dictionaries.  More recently America’s educators seem content to loaf about their faculty lounges confecting nonsense terms that inflate their various unhinged lexicons. Stuffing dictionaries (and students) with such evanescent gibberish is a full-blown professorial fad.

Descriptivism villainously distorts the meaning of language [see previous editorial rant] while constructivism appears to legitimate the resultant havoc. But in this case, to lock down the meaning of our terms, let us return to an epoch antecedent to liberal contamination.  Let’s consult Meriam Webster’s 1913 dictionary.  In 1913, Webster insensitively defined gender as “Sex, male or female.” Additionally, it can imply “a classification of nouns, primarily according to sex; and secondarily to some fancied or imputed quality associated with sex.” [Italics added.] The entry seems uncannily prescient.

Webster\s dictionary in its uncannily prescient avatar…

As to sex? Webster’s in 1913 defined it as “Sex, n. 1. The distinguishing peculiarity of male or female in both animals and plants; the physical difference between male and female; the assemblage of properties or qualities by which male is distinguished from female.” Of course, in 1913, nobody knew any better.

“Out there…”

Paula Leech, evidently a girl.

Descriptivists are busy improving these definitions, or rather, deconstructing them into radical insipidity. A representative example is offered by no less an authority than Paula Leech, LMFT, and AASECT-certified sex therapist. Paula writes, “Thankfully, [sic] it’s 2022, and many of the terms surrounding gender are becoming more widely recognized in our society. The language we have around [gender identity] is rapidly expanding to accommodate for [sic] the wide variety of gender identities and expressions out there.” Out there? No wonder Leech believes 2022 is so thankful–it has shaken the stodgy encumbrances of binary neanderthalism and reached the heady apogee of constructive wokeness.

Jackie Golob, MS, writes, “Gender is a term that relates to how we feel about ourselves, the way we choose to express our gender through makeup, dresses, high heels, athletic shorts, sneakers, and more.” (So, in other words, gender is how we express our gender.)

Oh boy, it’s a continuum…

Golob, MS (And Ms, of course)–also a girl.

But Golob insists gender identity is more than a mere social construct, it is also “a continuum. Our society has convinced us that there are just two options for gender identity, ‘male’ ‘female,’ based on biological sex. But in reality, there’s more fluidity!” See? Fluidity. Now your college students can feel haughtily superior as they condescend to inform you that gender isn’t about sex, but rather, “how we feel about ourselves” (because), “In reality, there’s more fluidity!” Tuition, by the way, is sky high, but worth it if your students learn to recognize reality.

Marching to La-la Land…

But none of what Goleb and Leech are blithering about has any association with reality. Almost the entire literature of gender re-identification is pure fantasy, or as Meriam Webster sentiently suggested back in 1913,”some fancied or imputed quality associated with sex.”

By now the properly programmed liberal will be furious with your humble editor, assuming him homophobic (properly meaning afraid of sameness but relegated lately to what Joseph Sobran called “hive speak,”or what we currently call political correctness. In this sense it connotes one who is hatefully predisposed toward homosexuals.  But this screed is not about homosexuality–not a bit of it. Rather, it protests the Liberal Order’s substitution of fantasy for biology, its abandonment of lexical precision in pursuit of that fantasy, and its casual ransacking of psychology en route to La-la Land.

The world according to Jesse…

Your editor shall now quote liberally (as it were) from an article by Jesse Belinsky that appeared on the website The Verge, Aug 8, 2022. In fairness to Jesse, who seems like a well intentioned bloke (or blokette), we’ll first explain that The Verge is a tech blog, thus Jesse’s article is understandably suffused with thoughts on social media and on-line realms. That said, Jesse also embodies the perfect conflation of fantasy and self-imagery that liberalism celebrates, although in Jesse’s case it is greatly accelerated by the Internet…which Jesse praises as a first-rate accelerant.

Jesse Belinsky, as he prefers to be represented.

Jesse writes that he attends a “fairly liberal high school,” and affirms having “come out as Gay,” but his insecurities remain troublesome because “in real life, I’m a tall, slightly chubby, pubescent boy with the acne and self-esteem to match.” It seems significant that “real life” is mentioned only in this context, and is otherwise sloughed off as unacceptably burdensome. 

Not all school counselors are judgey!

A good school counselor or qualified psychologist might guide Jesse to accept the physical realities of the here-and-now while tackling deficits he realistically desires to modify (e.g., his weight, social anxiety, and acne). If he wishes to embrace his sexual preferences and transvestism, therapy may help him there, too–but Jesse seeks release online. Online he is meeting up with his “pals,” and he is determined to dress appropriately. “I want to show off my sense of style,” Jesse writes, “so I spend a solid amount of time trying on different skirts, dresses, and accessories in order to find the cutest look.” But Jesse assays these fittings on his computer. The dresses and shoes aren’t fitted to his physical body, “but rather, on my villager in the world of Animal Crossing: New Leaf for the Nintendo 3DS.” We don’t know what that means exactly, as we last played a video game when Pong was all the rage, but obviously, Jesse can flaunt his transvestism ‘virtually,’ while concealing his body dysmorphia behind his monitor.

It’s a blessing… 

Jesse admits he would face embarrassment and ridicule if he dressed as a female in public,” but online he can “be whoever I want to be — within the confines of New Leaf’s binary gender system, skinny player models, and light skin tones, that is.” Well, no fantasy is perfect. Jesse concurs. “It’s not perfect by any means, but New Leaf is the first game…that lets male villagers wear feminine clothing and vice versa. So, for people like me…it’s a blessing.”

Is there a Shrink in the hut?

Time for your estrogen booster!

There may not be any villagers in New Leaf’s game who practice psychology, (nor apparently any staffers at Jesse’s “fairly liberal high school”) but if such a clinician appears he might recognize transvestism as one of eight paraphilias (sexual deviancies) somewhat bashfully detailed in the 5th edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5).

If Jesse wished to discuss his transvestism with a professional he might discover that sexually-arousing fantasies entailing cross dressing are not uncommon in his age range–that homosexuals, bisexuals, and heterosexuals present with transvestism, that the symptoms often remit over time, often do not, and that the fundamental dangers are primarily to the transvestite–for obvious reasons.  Jesse might find ways to reduce or refocus his behaviors, or simply learn to function more comfortably within his diagnostic envelope.

The village shrink had best make haste, however, because as God is our witness, Jesse’s paraphilia will vanish from the always-trend-conscious DSM‘s next edition–following in the wake of such prior ejectees as homosexuality, ego-dystonic homosexuality, and sexual perversion, all flushed down the editorial memory hole.

The Search for Jesse’s Gender Identity…

Predictably, the computer simulations are soon insufficient to assuage Jesse’s yearnings. “I’m starting to wear skirts,” he writes….”I’m at the beginning of the process of figuring out my gender identity” and though still riven with incertitude, he is making progress. “[I] pierced my septum and my ears; and …recently began painting my nails. However, I still can’t bring myself to wear dresses or try earrings that are larger than studs…” 

A fashionista forever!

Jesse next praises Discord (the web platform, not the pejorative noun) exclaiming, “With the higher-resolution screen, brighter colors, and better graphics, the styles I choose…can really pop…and instead of asking me if I’m a boy or a girl …New Horizons asks me what my sense of style is…My friends and I can hop on Discord...I can now post screenshots of my villager on social media to say, “Hey! Check out my bangin’ style!”

But Jesse remains pessimistic owing to “the wave of transphobic fearmongering passing through the United States right now,” insisting his predilections make  computerized meeting places “more necessary than ever.” [More than ever? Seriously?] “I hope that queer youth are able to continue to use these digital playgrounds as a safe and fun space to play with gender…I’ll never be able to resist the life of an Animal Crossing fashionista.”

 Transphobia sweeps through the United States…

WOOF supports everyone’s right to dress stylishly.

We hope no one supposes this editorial an attack on Jesse. whose libertarian right to dress in feminine attire (‘bangin” or otherwise), we are predisposed  to defend. Jesse also retains the 1st amendment right to deem himself an occupant of any whimsically-excogitated “gender category” he likes– but not the right to make rational Americans pretend it’s real. That’s a bridge too far–a ‘right’ invented by the liberal establishment. Discerning Americans are well advised to oppose such flapdoodle.

It pains your editor to disappoint Jesse, but he needn’t bother himself further about his true gender identity. In skirts or out of skirts, you’re male Jesse. Even if you ultimately succumb to surgical mutilation to more persuasively disguise the fact, (as is your adult right), you will still be a male, however brutally amended. The Left will help you play dress-up and urge you to pretend otherwise–but it’s not so.

              Say, was that Ze with Zir? Are HU certan?

Seizing upon zany, nonsensical nonce terms to decorate one’s “gender identity” is really just another kind of transvestism. And eventually, probably after playing with numerous gender flavors, Jesse will opt for whichever current phrase strikes him as the sheikest –the most nearly perfect touch that gives his putative identity the most appealing glow. But he’ll still be a guy.

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The Sayings of Joe Biden–Wit and Wisdom from America’s only Zombie President!

In "See you in the funnies" forum on August 5, 2022 at 11:17 am

We know what you’re thinking–who needs further evidence that Joe Biden is a mental disaster? For that matter, who would be nasty enough to make fun of a man who is obviously impaired cognitively? Isn’t that tasteless and cruel? Well, consider two points. First, the majority of liberals do not believe or have any clue that Joe Biden is a doddering, bumbling  embarrassment, living, as they do, in the bubble of sanitized leftist reporting that painstakingly edits Joe’s verbal fumbles and tosses his cognitive word salads to resemble something akin to purposive English.  Highly intelligent liberals we know scoff at the notion that Biden has mental difficulties and insist that videos showing such blatherings are “edited by the far right,” and are, of course, “debunked” [which see].  It is mainly for their sake that we offer this primer in the unbridled dumbness and incoherence of the 46th president’s official and casual utterances…but the rest of us can get a good laugh out of it, and sometimes one has to laugh to keep from crying.

Always an idiot…

Maybe you have to be a Norwegian to figure this out?

This should simultaneously address the second concern we voiced–in other words, is it cruel to make fun of the King for being naked? Yes, except in circumstances wherein noticing the King’s nakedness constitutes a vital revelation to his befuddled subjects, as well as an insight necessary to rational governance. Our first responsibility, then, is to demonstrate the President’s psychological deficiencies–not to politely pretermit them. We have an entire media complex devoted to the polite erasure (or at best, the hinky rationalizing) of the man’s deficits.

As most of us are already aware, these problems were observable long before the election of 2020, even though the media pretended they weren’t–even  bestowing upon him ridiculous accolades, calling him, for example, “the savviest foreign-policy thinker in the Senate” (ABC News, 2008). In truth, sadly, the President was always a nincompoop, and he is increasingly unmoored from even the most fundamental sensibilities.

He who says “A”…

The legendary WFB Jr, reminding us not to say “B.”

Biden was always an impulsive liar, for that matter, but it seems increasingly unlikely that he recognizes his own prevarications as such. In short, the press was committed to defending Biden’s spoken ludicrosities long before he thanked “the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics,” for elevating him to the presidency, (an accidental venture into truth telling that USA Today “fact checked” and dismissed because “since the beginning of his campaign, Biden’s foot has been no stranger to his mouth.”) Ha, ha–see? Debunked! No one should take Joe seriously, and therefore, no one should suggest Joe has a problem. But as William F. Buckley, Jr. often remarked, “If ‘A’ does not equal ‘B,’ than he who says ‘A’ cannot say ‘B.'”

Debunked..so he never said that right? Well, okay, he said it, but he was probably way too out of it to know what he was saying, so the whole idea that he said it at all is debunked, see?

Too, as with his election-fraud shout-out, Biden’s “gaffes” often have the ring of undisciplined truthfulness.  Remember during the campaign when he was asked how he and running mate Kamala Harris would resolve a major policy dispute, should one emerge between them? Biden frankly (and to Harris’s evident dismay), assured baffled CNN interviewers that, “I will develop some disease and say I have to resign.”  The quote has, of course, spiraled down the memory hole with sundry other Bidenisms, like the time Biden updated the Democrat caucus on his 900-billion-dollar stimulus package, chirruping, “If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong!” Right, and a 100% chance we’re going to get more inflation.

Inflation makes you stronger…

Fortunately for citizens concerned about inflation, Biden has determined that inflation is a kind of Nietzschean character builder, going so far as to tell a labor conference, “the number one threat is the strength, and that number one strength that we built is inflation!”

Russians did it!

Like, suddenly she’s Joe McCarthy?

Strength or not, Biden last week touted wage growth as a means of curbing inflation even after a new report showed prices climbing at the highest rate in 40 years, which, by the way, accounts for a lot of “wage growth,” which is is turn, well, never mind. Bidden blamed Putin’s “ruthless attack on the Ukraine,”for the additional two-dollar hike in gasoline prices,” insisting that “Ulmamitly [sic] the reason gas prices are up, is because of Russia!” But this could work out well because we will soon all switch to electric vehicles, according to Biden, because we are in “a great transition.” (So thank you, Vladimir Putin?)

“The Liberal World Order…”

Can we skip straight to “beyond?”

When asked why Americans should be expected to regard their current circumferences as “sustainable,” White House spokesman Brian Deese replied:,  “What you heard from the president today was a clear articulation [sic] of the stakes–this is about the future of the Liberal World Order and we have to stand firm.” Yipes.

It’s gotten to the point that smaller goofs and bizarre revelations hardly draw attention, like only last month when Biden welcomed an utterly unsuspecting Switzerland into NATO, and declared regime change in Russia inevitable– possibly to curtail what he is currently calling “Putin price hikes” and “Putin gas costs” while continuing–two years into his administration–to label inflation “transitory”…or, apparently, just until we get rid of Putin..

‘Ill-begotten’ gains…

To further emphasize the punishments his administration has in store for Putin and his band of price-hiking oligarchs, Biden gave a televised speech in which he repeatedly attempted to pronounce the word “kleptocracy” without success, saying instead, “we are going to accommodate [sic] the Russian oligarchs, and make sure that we take their ill-begotten [sic] gains. Heh, heh, we’re going to accommodate [sic] them! We’re going to seize their yachts, their luxury homes, and other ill-begotten gains of  Putin’s kepletoert–er–kloc–yeahhh-uh-lipto-ta-ta-cy...But these are bad guys.” (Kleptocrats, that is.) And in case you think Biden was simply enjoying the irony of the verb “accommodate” be aware that the White House transcript disallowed the word, assuring readers that Biden meant to say “hold accountable.” Surely you got that, right? Much of the press got it, apparently, and dutifully made the substitution in their print versions of his speech.

Remember: American Indians are Native Americans, but Indian Americans are from India.

His problems with race go back well before he called Barack Obama “…the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy–” But this article isn’t about Joe Biden’s sociopolitical history or voting record–it’s about his verbal wanderings, like the time he assured an emigre from India that emigrants from India adored him, shouting: “In Delaware the largest growth in population is from Indian Americans–moving from India–” (as supposedly evinced by the fact that) “In Delaware you cannot go to a 7/11 or as Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent, and I’m not joking!” Apparently Biden wished to  stress job availability for that demographic.

“White kids…”

Mysteriously underemployed actress with friend.

Actress Kirstie Alley may have exaggerated when she called Biden’s racial gaffes “constant,” but there are certainly more than can be detailed here. A standout example is his infamous reminder to Chris Wallace that his candidacy was sure to attract southerners because “Delaware was a slave state,” which ranks with his reassurances (offered during a town-hall hosted by the Asian & Latino Coalition), that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.”

“Lincoln or John Lewis?”

Quick, Jefferson Davis or Abraham Lincoln!? Those answering “Davis” are probably too dense to grasp this website–and you definitely “ain’t Black!”

Even race-baiting, that tried-and-true Democrat tradition, is unsafe from Biden’s lips. He failed dismally to rally an audience at the University of Atlanta by rhetorically demanding, “Do you want to be on the side of Dr. King or George Wallace? Do you want to be on the side of John Lewis or Bull Connor? Do you want to be on the side of Abraham Lincoln or Jefferson Davis?” Seriously? It wasn’t so much that Biden’s audience didn’t know who those people were, but rather as if they were unfamiliar to Biden.  Wallace and Connor were not only rabid racists, but also staunch Democrats. Abraham Lincoln, whom Biden presumably intended to laud, was the first Republican president. Jefferson Davis, prior to leading the slave states into rebellion, was a Democrat–and between King and Lewis, only Lewis became  a Democrat; King always shunned political alliances.

Sailor Joe?

So what on earth did Biden mean to ask? Why, for that matter, would he tell one town-hall audience, “I got started out of an HBCU: Delaware State. Now, I don’t want to hear anything negative about Delaware State. They’re my folks!” Except Biden’s “folks” noted he’d never attended Delaware State University. For that matter, he was never enrolled at any historically Black college or university. Biden’s mysterious claim was remindful of his remarks to graduating midshipmen at the United States Naval Academy that he himself had been “appointed to Annapolis in 1965” by Sen. J. Caleb Boggs, which is total bilge.  It’s reasonable to wonder: Does Joe Biden  believe these whoppers as he so casually utters them? The mind boggles.

Does he really believe he was arrested with Nelson Mandela in South Africa? Does he really believe he was arrested in the ’60s during the civil rights movement, as he often maintains?  Is he a licensed tractor trailer driver who spent one summer driving 18-wheeler big rigs, as he told  his audience at a Mack Truck assembly plant? No. Did he go to the Tree of Life synagogue, as he vividly recalls, in the wake of the horrendous antisemitic shootings there? He did not. In fact, he never set foot there according to the surviving Rabbi. Nor is he the recipient of three masters degrees, nor did he graduate from any college with with honors. What sort of space case, really, carries on like this? And let’s not even get started on “CornPop.”

Charlemagne is not amused!

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Charlemagne the God. But he never met CornPop.

In Danville, Virginia, when then VP candidate Biden warned an audience of Blacks that Mitt Romney wanted to put them back in chains, Black Democrat Charles Rangel, congressman from New York, took to the radio long enough to call Biden “stupid.” How can so obvious an insight continue to elude so many? It did not long elude “Charlemagne the God,” co-host of the morning radio show “The Breakfast Club,” which attracts a large African American listenership.  After telling Charlemagne in 2020 that any members of his audience thinking about voting for Donald Trump “ain’t Black,” he proceeded to denounce Trump as the”first racist to be elected president,” which may have gotten Woodrow Wilson off the hook, but induced Charlemagne to snap, “I really wish Joe Biden would shut the eff up forever.” You are not alone, Charlemagne the God.

Some of us took exception, also, to Biden’s recent description of “the MAGA movement” as “really the most extreme political organization that’s existed in American history…” shrinking the KKK, The American Nazi Party, and the American Communist Party, into seaming insignificance.

Subversive activities surpassing all others?

Back to the Mainland!

While in Warsaw, Biden bellowed that if Putin uses chemical weapons in the Ukraine “it will trigger a response in kind!” The idea of our forces using (or distributing) chemical weapons in the region continues to strike WOOF as, well, un-American, but nobody elected us president.

The harried but steadfast Jen Psaki–walking it all back again.

After his cadre of overworked correctors (cynically dubbed “the mop-up crew” by insiders), walked back Biden’s nerve-gas threat, some mischief-maker at C-SPAN asked Biden if, although unwilling to get involved militarily in Ukraine,  he was, “willing to get involved militarily to defend Taiwan if it comes to that?” Biden replied that he was. C-SPAN’s reporter  marveled, “You are?” Biden replied, “Yes. It’s a commitment we made.” Gosh, if poor, overworked Jen Psaki hadn’t burnt so much midnight oil reversing the president on this blooper, while lavishing lip service on the subversive one-China policy, Biden might have enjoyed our support for a glorious moment! But no, even while complaining that President Biden cannot, seemingly, “catch a break from all the bad headlines,” what little remains of Newsweek‘s editorial staff defended Maoist chapter and verse, reminding its several readers that “China considers Taiwan to be part of its sovereign territory, while the U.S. pursues a One China policy that recognizes only one Chinese government—the one based in Beijing.” And blah, blah, blah. 

WOOF’s support for Taiwan is a lot stronger than the State Department’s!

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NEW JERSEY POLICE AND ALERT EDUCATORS ACT JOINTLY TO PREEMPT BOMBING BINGE BY PSYCHO HAND DOODLER!

In "See you in the funnies" forum on December 30, 2012 at 6:24 am

Freeze, sicko!

Freeze, sicko!

Good news, fellow Americans! The North Koreans may have developed the A-Bomb (after President Clinton successfully got them to give up their nuclear program, remember that triumph?) and the capacity to lob one into downtown San Francisco via their new ICBM that we let them develop, and the Iranians will soon be able to do the same, as well as blow Israel off the map, as well as blow up the Straits of Hormuz—but don’t fret yourselves, because you are safe from 16 year olds in Galloway Township  New Jersey!  Yessir, one of them nut cases went and doodled something in his school notebook—and as if that weren’t suspicious enough, apparently he went and doodled a gloved hand shooting flames, although other reports say (gasp!) he doodled a weapon. Fortunately, quick witted liberal teachers spotted this nefarious precursor to mass mayhem!

Alert liberal educators are the first line of defense against flaming hand doodles!

Alert liberal educators are the first line of defense against flaming hand doodles!

The school superintendent lost no time assuring the press that the public should be “thankful that we had a staff member that (saw something that) caused her some concern, and that she had the sense toreport it to school officials. These are things that teachers receive training on all the time.” Yes! Training evidently exists to ferret out sixteen year old boys who doodle weapons, or hands shooting flames out of them, or Lord knows what other fiendish evincements of psycho-pathological derangement! How fortunate we are, dear readers, that our schools are now bursting with highly trained super sleuths disguised as teachers who can sniff out these maniacs before they can strike, and keen-eyed guardians of the commonweal like the superintendent of Cedar Creek High School (home of the Pirates!) who fully support and applaud the preemptive actions of their cadres of self-educated psychiatric art analysts!! Greater EggHarbor (we didn’t make that up!) RegionalHighSchool District Superintendent, Steve Ciccariello, said that his teacher saw “hand-drawn pictures” of what appeared to be weapons in the boy’s personal notebook and sprang into action!

Experts tell WOOF flaming hand may have looked something like this!  Only timely intervention prevented further such drawings!

Experts tell WOOF flaming hand may have looked something like this! Only timely intervention prevented further such drawings!

Well sir, the police were summoned, and darned if they didn’t look at those terrifying doodles that 16-year-old boy drew! And darned if they didn’t “appear to resemble weapons,” according to unnamed police officials—so they took that deranged young rascal into custody iswhat they did!  And in case you don’t think this kid was crafty, listen to this part: Police Chief Pat Moran stated in relation to this case that “no threats were made by the student and there was no indication there was any danger posed to anyone or property at the school.” Now, think about that! If you are going to visit unholy bedlam on a population, isn’t that the first thing you wouldn’t do? You wouldn’t tip your hand, right? You wouldn’t make any threats and you wouldn’t give any indication that you posed a danger, right? Right! And this little monster saw it just that way, dear readers—he deviously didn’t do any of those things!  Clearly, the writing was on the wall.

No sooner had the police been summoned than they reviewed the sketchy sketches and performed a perfunctory projective psychological assessment based on, we assume, the current TSA manual of on-the-scene instant art analysis, based, we assume, on the collected works of Ernst Kris— wouldn’t you think? After all there are various approaches to this, but the classic insights of Dr. Kris who not only practiced as a psychoanalyst but also worked as an art historian and combined these fields to develop a psychoanalytical interpretation of works of art as particularly considered in his Imago  study, Ein geisteskranker Bildhauer  and his classic work “Psychoanalytic Explorations in Art,” seem to have informed the conclusions drawn in this instance. Chief Moran did not mention whether this was the specific foundation his officers relied upon in reaching their determination in this instance, but WOOF’s experts consider it likely, given their level of certitude, that Superintendent Ciccariello’s teachers trained using Kris’s insights, or at a minimum must have studied the psycho-fantastical interpretations of Bruno Bettelheim and the radical Objects-Relationsists, particularly Cashdan.

This classic example of psychotic art depicts flames shooting from a cat!  Sources reveal the perpetrator in New Jersey had not yet progressed to sketching flaming cats!

This classic example of psychotic art depicts flames shooting from a cat! Sources reveal the perpetrator in New Jersey had not yet progressed to sketching flaming cats!

But no matter what intellectual wellsprings led them to their speedy determinations, we may thank Heaven for their time spent in study, for no sooner was this ticking time bomb of a 16-year old waylaid for his scurrilous scribbling than investigators from the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office rushed to his home on East Spencer Lane where—brace yourselves, gentle readers—they found several “types of chemicals that when mixed together could cause an explosion,” according to police sources.

A bomb!

A bomb

As a public service, WOOF asked our Science and Technology Directorate to offer some suggestions as to what sorts of chemicals may have been found in the young man’s home. The list that we were offered included such exotic items as pool sanitizer, acetone, Drano, chlorate mixtures, isopropyl ether, hydrogen peroxide, bleach, zinc tablets, and ammonium liquids, not to mention fertilizer. Even more chilling, none of these or any other equally suspect chemicals had, at the point of the investigation, been mixed into any actual explosive combinations and thus the bomb sniffing dogs brought to the scene did not alert to any of them!  Obviously, the intent here was to thwart the bomb sniffing K-9 units by not having bombs! And as if that weren’t enough, police also discovered various gadgets and electronic items that could be used to make a bomb—you know, like a cell phone, and batteries–and the kid and his mom tried to explain this by saying that the school he attends, Cedar Creek, (home of the Pirates!) is a magnet school for kids interested in engineering and gadgetry and that he likes to take things apart and put them together. Sure! Tell that to the Atlantic City Police Department’s Bomb Squad, the Oceanville fire department, Galloway EMS, Egg Harbor City police, the K9s of Hamilton Township Police Department, the Atlantic City Police Department, Gloucester County Sheriff’s Department, Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department, Millville Police Department and Salem County Sheriff’s Department all of whom assisted with the investigation!

Photographic evidence proves Oppenheimer started out with sketches, too!

Photographic evidence proves notorious bomb maker Robert Oppenheimer started out with sketches, too!

At the terminus of this exemplary combined-forces operation, Chief Moran declared that “There was no indication he [the kid] was making a bomb, or using a bomb or detonating a bomb,” adding that the family and the student cooperated with the department during the investigation. Evidently on this basis, the student was promptly charged with possession of an explosive device, and was placed in Harborfield’s Detention Center where he is currently cooling his heals, soon to be joined, we can only suppose, by any other would-be terrorists who doodle gloves with flames coming out of them—or anything else you might see in any comic book published over the last 70 years!

Police search suspect's home--a simulation.

Police search suspect’s home–(a simulation.)

Now, we hear from you readers, and a lot of you tell us you think we make stuff up. We aren’t sure why on earth you have that impression, frankly, but many of you do, apparently, so listen, we swear that every word of the above account is true and correct according to our most trusted sources—but here’s the part we just know you’re going to think we’re kidding you about—but we’re not! Honest!  If you want to know who has come to the legal rescue of the 16 year old kid who drew in his notebook and wound up in the slammer, it sure isn’t the ACLU. No, it’s the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. No, really, it is. Don’t believe us? Just email them at info@cbldf.org or give them a call at (212) 679-7151. Tell them WOOF says hi. We are not affiliated, by the way, and the CBLDF may be a bunch of commies for all we know—but at least they care!

Roy Litchenstein is thought to have started out doodling flaming hands--it seemed innocent enough at the time!

Roy Lichenstein is thought to have started out doodling flaming hands too–it seemed innocent enough at the time!

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