BIDENGATE: The Secret Scandal!

Remember the Secret Storm? That was a good soap opera–but anyway, it only occurred to us because it would make a really good name for this article…except it already has a pretty good name. Like, what if they gave a scandal, and nobody came?  Well,  honored readers, that’s a lot like what happened on May 10, 2023. 

The Watergate Committee got constant live coverage–but of course, burglary is important stuff.

When this man was a kid, this was a free country.

If you are ancient of days, as are several of us in the WOOF cave, you may recall the time when each major network’s news cameras went “live,” shoulder to shoulder with several attending newspaper services, during the Watergate committee’s dogged inquest into whether Richard Nixon ordered (or had guilty knowledge of) the Watergate break-in.  Convicted Watergate burglar (American patriot, lawyer, FBI agent, talk show host, author, and  actor), G. Gordon Liddy died on 31 March, 2021, or he surely would have permitted himself a callous chuckle at the spectacle of a congressional committee proving President Joseph Robinette Biden the recipient of millions of Red-Chinese dollars paid to him surreptitiously for unspecified purposes.  The committee’s findings made a powerful case for labeling Biden an unregistered  agent of influence for Red China, a traitor, and a shamelessly profligate international money launderer. 

Meanwhile, the silence of our domestic media was deafening.  No major American news network broadcast anything live, nor tweeted a syllable. Rather, our lions of the fourth estate focused that morning on such nihil ad rem concerns as the indictment of  Rep. George Santos, R-N.Y, for lying to congress, and the oddly serendipitous verdict of a New York jury that found Donald Trump “not guilty” of raping a woman who couldn’t prove she’d even met him, but which directed him to pay a small fortune in damages anyway. 

Trump accuser: Damaged, but not raped.

The Trump distraction…

Liberals were meanwhile wondering why on earth CNN scheduled  90 minutes of air time that same Wednesday for a Townhall featuring Donald Trump. Why give Trump free air time to carry his dreadful message to a live audience of Americans?  But this was mere shortsightedness; the tactical juxtaposition should have been apparent to even the densest CNN fan.

“I’m ready for my repeated body-slammings, Mr. DeMille!“

Obviously CNN’s view of the upcoming Trump program was that it presented an opportunity to grab some desperately needed ratings while mopping the floor with  the despicable Orange Ogre.  Also, it constituted a kind of BOGO bargain by ensuring a circus event bound to distract the public from  the Comer Committee’s evidence. This was the driving notion, but it was only half right.  The TV production proved a field day for Trump. The CNN live audience loved him, exasperatingly enough,  and the floor got mopped with the  endlessly bellicose and unbearably interruptive Kaitlan Collins. In fact, Collins performed so badly that even Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted “she lost total control” (by which we assume AOC meant to say Collins lost control  totally). WOOF knows that the event was cut short when CNN producers caught Collins between pummelings and advised her that she was being “body slammed” and should “quit while [she] was behind.”

An obvious surprise..?

Trump’s prime-time romp was incontestable, though oddly unanticipated by CNN executives itching to finesse an ambush. Nevertheless, the resultant commotion  served the Left by distracting from the Comer Committee’s exposure of the  nefarious Biden Bunch.

NEWS ITEM: After Trump’s appearance on CNN, Anderson Cooper of CNN appeared on CNN to apologize to viewers of CNN for his network’s exposing them (plus about 2.5 million additional viewers), to  Donald Trump’s de-fanging of CNN’s Kaitlin Collins, which event Cooper obviously considered inappropriate.

The inexhaustibly embarrassing George Santos.

The New York Times was even then poised to defocus readers on the George Santos indictment (cunningly scheduled to coincide with the issuance of the Committee’s findings).  Thus, on the same day that President Joe Biden was outed as a Chinese-communist beneficiary, an international money launderer, and, synoptically put, a kind of profiteer for all seasons, the Times was virtually silent on the matter. Instead, it headlined Santos’s Long-Island indictment with  feigned shock and editorial drum thumping better suited to a disgraced head of state, or at least a  scandal-beset tycoon.  Instead, everyone’s attention was directed to a not-guilty plea from a risibly mendacious (and virtually unknown) congressman from New York’s 3rd district, accused of–um–money laundering.  Santos, in other words, may not have been president, but at least he was a Republican!

The Gray Lady praises the White Suit!

We get it. “Lies, lies, lies!” would’ve made a crummy slogan.

New York Times TV critics in conference…

In a flagrant effort to eat their cake and have it, Times opinionists (momentarily disguised  as TV critics) recast Trump’s Townhall coups as a colossal failure. In the Times version, the hero of that evening turned out to be the beleaguered “Kathleen [sic] Collins, in a white suit,[who] took on Trump!” Clearly, the Gray Lady’s account would have benefited from outreach to at least one informed source, say, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… but the use of sources, except of the unnamed variety, is not currently in vogue at the Times.  Like  several other standards of journalism, sourcing one’s reportage has been moribund for  years.  In this instance, the Times was even scooped by Deadline ,which growled,”Donald Trump Steamrolls Through CNN Town Hall!” (They weren’t happy at Deadline, but at least they were honest.)

The committee and its critics…

But just as the myriad troughs of liberal media proceeded to call Trump’s Townhall success a disgraceful flop (except that at CNN, only Anderson Cooper actually apologized for the ratings boost),  so the coverage of the Oversight Committee’s multiple Biden bombshells was skewed to portray the report as a nothingburger.  In this category, the award for most baldfacedly flouting reality surely goes to Yahoo! News, which exclaimed: “Republicans try to distract from the Trump and Santos debacle [sic] with a Biden nothingburger.” Really? But in defence of the author, MSNBC writer  Eric Garcia, it must be said that he was hardly unique in missing the bulk of the evidence against the Biden crime family. It is almost as though the “nothingburger” scenario were agreed upon at the highest levels of corporate uni-journalism well before the committee ever said a mumbling word.

Ms Mace joins a swath…many seem incredulous!

Rep. Nancy Mace: Under-educated but smarter than Eric Garcia.

MSNBC columnist Garcia seemed particularly peeved at committee member Nancy Mace (R-South Carolina). She  is, in his opinion, undereducated.  He also remarks rather unsympathetically on her identity as a victim of sexual assault. Worse, “Ms [sic]Mace joined a swath [sic] of  Republicans who alleged without any hard evidence that President Joe Biden had committed multiple federal crimes.” Weirdly, Garcia asserted that Comer’s committee “failed to produce any hard evidence during the press conference, and many reporters seemed incredulous that the chairman would waste time with such flimsy evidence.”

Journalist Eric Garcia as represented on his MSNBC page.

Admittedly, WOOF may be “undereducated,”  but we  fail to ken by what journalistic measure Eric Garcia determined how many reporters attending the conference seemed incredulous, or whether he was in the room at all– but if he was, he was clearly distracted by his psycho-kinesic analyses.

FILE PHOTO: the Murdoch family of FOX News, Inc.

Fox News Network, the devolution of which WOOF has discussed elsewhere, seemed to join the mainstream nothingburger contingent when Steve Doocy (on Fox and Friends) informed committee chair, Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), that his “material was weak.” Hardly an eviscerating dagger thrust, yet Rolling Stone leapt to agree with Doocy’s interpretation, crowing that “Even Fox Isn’t Buying GOP’s Claims About Biden’s Foreign Business Dealings.” Notwithstanding Doocy’s objections, Fox’s actual treatment of the report in an article on its home page, correctly stated “the Biden family received millions from foreign nationals, [and] tried to conceal the source of funds…” which seems a trifle substantive.

Steve Doocy: When good people make dumb remarks…

Hard evidence…

Oops! Wrong nothingburger! This one must be from the Durham Report!

 Like obituaries of celebrities prepared well in advance of the celebrities’ actual deaths, the chorus of stage yawns from mainstream media jabberers seemed too readily at hand and too weirdly calculated to be natural.  Moreover, in the wake of the Comer Committee’s revelations, Biden held a press conference (sort of) and the indefatigably evasive Karine Jean-Pierre convened a “press update.” But during neither event did even a single newshound venture so much as a single question about data from the Oversight Committee–it was as though the report never existed.

NEWS ITEM: The Washington Press Corps assembles to learn Comer Committee findings.

Anatomy of a nothingburger…a sampler:

The Oversight Committee presented thousands of pages of financial records revealing the Biden family and associates’ complicated network of “companies” set up during Joe Biden’s vice presidency.  These records are further complicated by the fact that none of the cutout Biden companies was an actual businesses.  The Bidens do not operate any business,  and never have.  The millions the Bidens received from international sources appear as complicated transactions structured to hide payments received by the Bidens from foreign nationals, chiefly the Chinese Communists.  The Committee report links many of these otherwise illogical “payments” to CCP-linked associates, and points to clearly identifiable instances of corresponding influence peddling during Vice President Biden’s tenure, as well as during his presidency. 

“The structuring and layering of the funds exchanged indicate the Bidens intentionally sought to hide, confuse, and conceal the transactions.”  Despite these efforts, bank records prove the Bidens made millions from foreign nationals.  The Biden family set up over a dozen ‘companies’ when Joe was vice president, none of which produced any known product; but all of which turned astounding profits.

All that rice wine, and now the guy won’t even return a phone call!

Per the Committee report, “The Bidens’ foreign entanglements are breathtaking and raise serious questions about why foreign actors targeted the Biden family, what they expected in return, and whether our national security is threatened…”

We ask you: Is this the face of an abject grifter?

“Chinese Nationals and companies with significant ties to Chinese intelligence and the Chinese Communist Party hid the source of the funds paid out to the Bidens. Multiple Biden family members received money from the Chinese,” again, without the performance of a single identifiable service in return.  But not all the Biden family’s benefactors were foreign despots or oligarchs.

Enter the FBI!

FBI Director Freeh–just look at those shifty eyes!

Remember Louis Freeh, former Director of the FBI? In April of 2016 he donated $100,000 to a trust for two of President Biden’s grandchildren.  His explanation was that he “sought to pursue some very good and profitable matters” with his new friend, Hunter Biden. The chain of emails between “Louis” and his adopted business partner surfaced last Thursday, indicating considerable monies donated by Freeh to funds managed by Hallie Biden, Beau Biden’s widow and subsequently Hunter’s girlfriend–(isn’t that in the Bible?) Additionally, the emails contain offers from the former FBI Directer to “help” with IRS audits.

Meanwhile, in Romania…

Meanwhile, the Bidens were busy in Romania, where Biden Family activities indicate additional influence peddling. “The Biden family and associates’ activities in Romania bear clear indications of a scheme to peddle influence from 2015 to 2017. In other words, while Joe Biden lectured Romania on corruption and ethics, the Bidens received over a million dollars from a company controlled by a Romanian named Gabriel Popoviciu. Popoviciu is currently accused of corruption in Romania, but his payments to the Bidens were completed via “a  Biden family associate.”

(READ MORE!)

Hunter Biden’s Imaginary Laptop–A Primer

It was March of 2022 when the New York Times, (famously America’s paper of record according, at least, to the New York Times), reported that “emails between Hunter Biden, [Devon] Archer and others regarding their international business activities came from files recently obtained,”-but from whom? According to the Times, the cache “appeared to have come from a laptop abandoned by Mr. Biden in a Delaware repair shop.” Okay, but “appeared?” Evidently the Times are so stately that they feel it necessary to avoid the unseemly reality of the matter by approaching the fact tangentially; i.e., their source material –almost certainly handed them by the FBI–merely “appears” as evidence of Biden’s abandoned computer and its incriminating contents–it cannot be portrayed as so glaring as to substantiate the device’s existence. But, of course, the statement does precisely that. Almost painfully, the “Gray Lady” adds: “People familiar with the emails and investigation confirmed their authenticity to the Times.” Again, WOOF contends such people would have to inhabit  the 11th floor “Penthouses” atop the J. Edgar Hoover building in Washington D.C., or the D.C. regional office. And in case you aren’t familiar with Devon Archer, he’s the creep who just went to prison for attempting  to defraud American Indian tribes of sixty-million dollars–but that’s not important5 now.

Ordering room service…

So what does it all mean? It means that in one oblique swoop, the nation’s paper of record declared the Biden laptop scandal authentic, but only in passing, and only in order to confirm a relatively inessential point–unavoidably confirming the entire narrative in the process. Never mind the two years they’ve spent guffawing at the laptop story’s proponents. Everything laughable weeks ago is suddenly “confirmed” by “people.”

Additionally, the Times revealed  that Hunter retired a tax liability in excess of one-million dollars while under investigation for tax fraud. As the New York Post put it, “Hunter Biden has been under investigation for failing to pay taxes since his father was vice president, but the inquiry broadened in 2018 to look into how his international business dealings intersected with President Biden’s political career.”
What’s most significant in an immediate sense is the discovery that the Times nonchalantly averred faith in the saga of Hunter’s laptop despite denouncing it repeatedly as contrived, fake, and even non existent. Why confess in bits and drabs then? Are we being fed confirmation a little bit at a time–like UFO disclosure? Or is it simply embarrassing?

The widely reprehended J.P, Mac Isaac

The saga, as many readers will recall–gained public recognition when Hunter Biden, drug-addled offspring of America’s first congenitally addled president, dropped his (Hunter’s) laptop computer off for a tune-up at John Paul Mac Isaac’s repair shop. This turned out to be a poor decision, especially since Hunter forgot to reclaim the device. Also, worst luck, Isaac is a Trump partisan who, in about the same time the media took to admit the event really happened, has written (or collaborated in writing), a book about his discovery of the laptop’s contents and his subsequent travails, entitled American Injustice.

It may also be recalled that the Leftist media in general preferred to treat the entire event as a fabrication, especially since Isaac turned out to be a Trump supporter, and therefore clearly deranged. As recently as last week Times journos referenced the the device in ironic quotation marks.  For instance, even as he claimed to have seen materials derived therefrom, Times writer Gabriel Gatehouse referred to it as “Hunter Biden’s laptop,”as though everybody reasonable knew it didn’t exist, but a few self-deceived kooks claimed to have sighted it here or there, like, say, Mothman.

“Mothman!”

It became quickly if surprisingly apparent to Mac that the FBI was organizationally loathe to review the Biden material.  One agent assured him that nothing bad ever happened to people like him who kept their mouths shut. 

“The door is on the left…”

Concerned for his son’s safety but determined to do his civic duty, Isaac’s father also visited the FBI where he turned over the paperwork signed by Hunter Biden confirming that after 91 days without contact, the shop owned Hunter’s computer.. He told the receptionist the laptop contained vile pornographic material as well as sensitive data related to foreign dealings made on behalf of a presidential candidate. The receptionist t left Isaac’s father in a sealed room for ten minutes and upon returning suggested he get himself a lawyer.”You better lawyer up and don’t talk to anyone about this,” the agent snarled, Isaac’s father sat a moment, perplexed, and was stonily told “I don’t have anything else for you, and the door is on the left.”

DISINFORMATION!

The origin story of the laptop controversy was, from its  inception, too home-grown to pass as Russian disinformation, yet this viewpoint was advanced doggedly by nearly every major news network and journalistic hack.  It might have been easier to simply smear Issac as a mentally deranged Trumper (which the elites deem a tautology in any case) after the fashion in which Bill Clinton’s sex victims were dismissed as money-hungry redneck stalkers until the manifestation of the blue dress.  Surely the FBI could be counted upon to bury the laptop itself in a landfill of glib dismissals, so why wasn’t this approach more aggressively pursued?

The disinformation theme quickly achieved primacy, probably for two basic reasons. First, during the campaign, Biden played the Russian card whenever some errant reporter injudiciously broached the subject. Perhaps this was force of habit, or inspired by advice from Biden’s overtaxed handlers. In either case, it nicely dovetailed with the media’s Pavlovian urge to explain all undesirable facts related to Trump–including his ultimate [should we say penultimate?] election–as products of Russian tampering.  The assertion propaedeutically required that Isaac’s story be nonsense at best, or at worst even treasonable deceit–but this was either overlooked initially, or accepted by the Left’s more naive cadres as seemingly obvious. A veritable cavalcade of vignettes is now available of MSM newsies (speaking with that freakish uni-mind quality that always seems to earmark such pan-network pronouncements, solemnly dismissing Hunter’s laptop as “bearing all the hallmarks of Russian disinformation.” 

Stahling around…

When President Trump, during his interview with Lesley Stahl on CBS’s “20/20” attempted to reference the computer’s contents as proof of  Bidens’ involvement with the Red Chinese, Stahl repeatedly cut him off, doggedly chanting “that’s been proven to be Russian disinformation!” Effectively, she sandbagged the discussion to the point that she stumped the Trump, who  was clearly better, informed than CBS, but unwelcome to make the point.

It only took 760 more days for the news hawks at  CBS to allow correspondent Catherine Herridge to announce she had verified the authenticity of Biden’s formerly imaginary laptop.  Those who understand how network news producers verify such matters need merely grasp that CBS’s verification of the laptop stumbled along in the wake of verifications by the Washington Post and the New York Times.  Presumably Stahl will now apologize at length to President Trump for her belligerence and low-information reportage.  

Twitter turnaround….

“The laptop from hell was apparently a legitimate news story after all,” gasped Andy Meek of the Internet BGR Newsletter. Among his reasons for second thoughts, Meek cited the views of former ‘head of trust and safety’ at Twitter, one Yoel Roth — who ended November with the admission that “the Hunter Biden laptop story should not have been censored on the platform in the heat of the 2020 presidential election.” Identical sentiments have emanated from current Twitter Czar Elon Musk, who asserts he has corroborated the authenticity of the data. Moreover, Musk wrote to a user that Twitter “interfered” in past elections.” The Left is now officially crusading to “cancel” Musk, whom it previously venerated. 

On the Hill, Rep. James Comer (R-KY) announced his intention to  bring “every employee at Twitter who was involved in suppressing the Hunter Biden laptop story” in front of the House Oversight Committee where they can “explain their actions to the American people. This was a huge story.” Comer then added the obvious, namely that “the story’s ban was election suppression.” But as shall be seen, suppression by Twitter was little-league stuff by comparison with the government.

Meek’s admissions were refreshing, juxtaposed to the majority of mainstream distortions most of which now take the “we-knew-it-all-along” attitude while assuring readers and viewers that there isn’t much there to be concerned with–telling them, in other words, that the data and its origins were never seriously in doubt, but should be ignored anyway.

Marco Polo, if you can…

So what is, in fact, on Hunter’s abandoned MacBook? According to various (and dubious) liberal sources, not much. But according to the right-wing nonprofit research group Marco Polo the downloads amount to a treasure trove of duplicity, criminality, and carnal sludge. The group just published a 634-page report (replete with 2,020 footnotes) detailing evidence of no fewer than six alleged crimes committed by “Pop,” aka Joe Biden – including tax evasion, and failure to register under the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA) – and that’s not to mention documentation of 459 crimes Marco Polo alleges were committed by Hunter, including foreign lobbying and money laundering. Imagine what an aroused congress would have done to Donald Trump in reversed circumstances! 

Schrödinger’s Cat…

Marco Polo sent a copy of its report to all members of congress, prompting concerned Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee to insist on querying 51 former intelligence officials as to what (or who) prompted their earlier insistence that the entire imbroglio amounted to Russian disinformation. At this point, among the mainstream networks, Hunter’s computer routinely transmogrifies. It alternately seems to have been real but devoid of actionable evidence, or entirely imaginary, or possibly extant within both states simultaneously, like Schrödinger’s cat.

“I’m from the government, see? And I’m here to help!“

As important as it is to know what we know, it is equally important to cognize when we knew it, and who among us knew it when. That’s because a virtual parade of these personalities, well beyond the febrile offices of  Jack Patrick Dorsey’s version of Twitter, appears to have possessed guilty knowledge of the computer’s authenticity and importance while working in unison to suppress the facts. WOOF knows the FBI actually convened  network and printed news editors to “warn” them that the facts, [much as we relate them above], were about to be leaked, but that the leaks should be ignored because they were “classic examples of Russian disinformation.” In speaking thus, the Bureau was baldfacedly lying in evident collusion with the leadership of the DOJ, and other intelligence agencies, buffering unavoidable releases from the infamous laptop by assuring the news elites that when such  evidence cropped up, it should be fobbed off as a commie plot.  Understandably this was largely believed by the chattering class, who never grasped that the only commie plot was being hatched by anti-Trump factions within the upper echelons of the CIA, FBI, Trump’s own justice department and the Bidens’ paymasters in Beijing, who knew all along the computer was authentic, but conspired to bury that fact in a snowdrift of lies.

Elon Musk senses the disapproval of the liberal establishment—stay strong, Elon!

As of Friday, Republican notables were going wrathfully on record, especially once Musk revealed that Twitter had censored a Washington Post story during the 2020 election that treated the laptop as actual.. It seems impossible to doubt that had the laptop received fair and balanced reporting during the election, Trump would have triumphed no matter how many ballot boxes the Left schemed to stuff. But that cannot be re-fought at this juncture. The GOP is already ineptly piling on Twitter (which is safe because the right never liked, it and the Left newly despises it), but in the true scope of events, this is like beating up the peanut vender because one’s team lost.

The same level of fraud was perpetrated upon each of the major tech baronies, each being offered the same ration of baloney in special courtesy briefings by the FBI. Silicon Valley received dire warnings that dread Russian disinformation was coming and the laptop business was all a red herring.  It didn’t take much to persuade a swarm of anti-Trump techno giants that any sudden scoops attributed to the mythic laptop should be disregarded, and the messengers banned or censored. But none of this makes Twitter or other social platforms a prime target for counter attack. It makes them dupes of an Intelligence cabal dedicated to replacing President Trump with the senior Biden. To what extent this cabal contributed to 2020’s bizarre election result remains conjecture, at least for now, but who can doubt that at a minimum, inside influence was wielded?

In a nation with an objective media, Joe Biden would now be facing impeachment–but that won’t happen immediately. The national-security apparatus may and should be turned inside out, and the FBI leadership scuttled, beginning with the oleaginous Christopher Wray.   In time, as this story continues to ooze forth, the identification of Joseph Robinette Biden as a true-life Manchurian candidate and his removal from office seem inevitable–but let’s not count our chicks before they’re hatched, gentle readers.  As Martin Garner once put it, “the night is large.”

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“Are You a Boy, or Are You a Girl?”

In which WOOF’s editor in chief, Old Bugler, expresses his up-to-the-minute-if-frustratingly-excursive views on nothing but 100% guaranteed genuine news, mostly in the annoyingly officious third-person, as befits his station!   

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If you are as old, or nearly as old, as your humble editor–and granted, few are–you may recall a rock tune from the mid-sixties by a lesser known combo called The Barbarians. They scored a minor hit querying: “Are you a boy, or are you a girl?” The succeeding line, if memory serves, was,“If you’re not a girl, then you come from Liverpool!” It was funny in 1965 because it lampooned a sizable subset of American society that gloried in blaring the titular interrogative at any passing lad sporting hair past the tips of his ears. If you were so assailed in that era, you may recall that none of the assailing dullards seemed able to conceive any wittier insult, and seemed uniformly convinced that screaming “are you a boy or are you a girl?”constituted the ultimate squelch.

But whether you were a screaming dullard, or the recipient of the dullards’ taunts, you recognized the question was (albeit insultingly) binary. In other words you had only two available responses (or you could resist responding altogether, or you could break the issuer’s jaw)… No one in the Barbarians thought to include any alternatives, nor would it have occurred to recipients of the query to explain they were, in fact, “questioning” or “non-binary.” Nobody would have understood such gobbledygook, whereas nowadays we pretend to.

Then as now, however, with occasional hermaphroditic exceptions, all babies came in two varieties, which is to say “boys” and “girls.” It was easy to tell, because boys had penises and girls had vaginas. In fact, the same holds true nowadays. And, however briefly, babies are assigned one of two genders in the hospital, or yes, even by enlightened midwives, because the issuers of birth certificates are either unwoke, or, more probably, sensible of the insufficient space on birth certificates to accommodate whichever clusters of the 82 (currently available) ‘genders’ may appeal to woke moms and dads, dads and dads, or moms and moms. But yes, your editor has already committed an unpardonable sin–he has just confused gender with sex. Oops!

Oops!

Have you noticed how important such nice distinctions seem to liberal pundits? They relish imposing them at moments selected to disconcert the naive; usually college students eager to confuse paradox with profundity. These pedagogic slicksters bask in the stir their counter-intuitive assertions provoke:

“Rape,” the woke professor assures his dumbstruck students,”is not about sex!” Similarly, “the Civil War was not about slavery!” And of course–I admit the ‘error’–“Gender is not about sex–” an arguable lexicographic point rendered moot by repeated draggings (no pun intended) through the muck of  contemporary academe.  A few of us recall a day in which college professors contributed their insights to refining usage notes in dictionaries.  More recently America’s educators seem content to loaf about their faculty lounges confecting nonsense terms that inflate their various unhinged lexicons. Stuffing dictionaries (and students) with such evanescent gibberish is a full-blown professorial fad.

Descriptivism villainously distorts the meaning of language [see previous editorial rant] while constructivism appears to legitimate the resultant havoc. But in this case, to lock down the meaning of our terms, let us return to an epoch antecedent to liberal contamination.  Let’s consult Meriam Webster’s 1913 dictionary.  In 1913, Webster insensitively defined gender as “Sex, male or female.” Additionally, it can imply “a classification of nouns, primarily according to sex; and secondarily to some fancied or imputed quality associated with sex.” [Italics added.] The entry seems uncannily prescient.

Webster\s dictionary in its uncannily prescient avatar…

As to sex? Webster’s in 1913 defined it as “Sex, n. 1. The distinguishing peculiarity of male or female in both animals and plants; the physical difference between male and female; the assemblage of properties or qualities by which male is distinguished from female.” Of course, in 1913, nobody knew any better.

“Out there…”

Paula Leech, evidently a girl.

Descriptivists are busy improving these definitions, or rather, deconstructing them into radical insipidity. A representative example is offered by no less an authority than Paula Leech, LMFT, and AASECT-certified sex therapist. Paula writes, “Thankfully, [sic] it’s 2022, and many of the terms surrounding gender are becoming more widely recognized in our society. The language we have around [gender identity] is rapidly expanding to accommodate for [sic] the wide variety of gender identities and expressions out there.” Out there? No wonder Leech believes 2022 is so thankful–it has shaken the stodgy encumbrances of binary neanderthalism and reached the heady apogee of constructive wokeness.

Jackie Golob, MS, writes, “Gender is a term that relates to how we feel about ourselves, the way we choose to express our gender through makeup, dresses, high heels, athletic shorts, sneakers, and more.” (So, in other words, gender is how we express our gender.)

Oh boy, it’s a continuum…

Golob, MS (And Ms, of course)–also a girl.

But Golob insists gender identity is more than a mere social construct, it is also “a continuum. Our society has convinced us that there are just two options for gender identity, ‘male’ ‘female,’ based on biological sex. But in reality, there’s more fluidity!” See? Fluidity. Now your college students can feel haughtily superior as they condescend to inform you that gender isn’t about sex, but rather, “how we feel about ourselves” (because), “In reality, there’s more fluidity!” Tuition, by the way, is sky high, but worth it if your students learn to recognize reality.

Marching to La-la Land…

But none of what Goleb and Leech are blithering about has any association with reality. Almost the entire literature of gender re-identification is pure fantasy, or as Meriam Webster sentiently suggested back in 1913,”some fancied or imputed quality associated with sex.”

By now the properly programmed liberal will be furious with your humble editor, assuming him homophobic (properly meaning afraid of sameness but relegated lately to what Joseph Sobran called “hive speak,”or what we currently call political correctness. In this sense it connotes one who is hatefully predisposed toward homosexuals.  But this screed is not about homosexuality–not a bit of it. Rather, it protests the Liberal Order’s substitution of fantasy for biology, its abandonment of lexical precision in pursuit of that fantasy, and its casual ransacking of psychology en route to La-la Land.

The world according to Jesse…

Your editor shall now quote liberally (as it were) from an article by Jesse Belinsky that appeared on the website The Verge, Aug 8, 2022. In fairness to Jesse, who seems like a well intentioned bloke (or blokette), we’ll first explain that The Verge is a tech blog, thus Jesse’s article is understandably suffused with thoughts on social media and on-line realms. That said, Jesse also embodies the perfect conflation of fantasy and self-imagery that liberalism celebrates, although in Jesse’s case it is greatly accelerated by the Internet…which Jesse praises as a first-rate accelerant.

Jesse Belinsky, as he prefers to be represented.

Jesse writes that he attends a “fairly liberal high school,” and affirms having “come out as Gay,” but his insecurities remain troublesome because “in real life, I’m a tall, slightly chubby, pubescent boy with the acne and self-esteem to match.” It seems significant that “real life” is mentioned only in this context, and is otherwise sloughed off as unacceptably burdensome. 

Not all school counselors are judgey!

A good school counselor or qualified psychologist might guide Jesse to accept the physical realities of the here-and-now while tackling deficits he realistically desires to modify (e.g., his weight, social anxiety, and acne). If he wishes to embrace his sexual preferences and transvestism, therapy may help him there, too–but Jesse seeks release online. Online he is meeting up with his “pals,” and he is determined to dress appropriately. “I want to show off my sense of style,” Jesse writes, “so I spend a solid amount of time trying on different skirts, dresses, and accessories in order to find the cutest look.” But Jesse assays these fittings on his computer. The dresses and shoes aren’t fitted to his physical body, “but rather, on my villager in the world of Animal Crossing: New Leaf for the Nintendo 3DS.” We don’t know what that means exactly, as we last played a video game when Pong was all the rage, but obviously, Jesse can flaunt his transvestism ‘virtually,’ while concealing his body dysmorphia behind his monitor.

It’s a blessing… 

Jesse admits he would face embarrassment and ridicule if he dressed as a female in public,” but online he can “be whoever I want to be — within the confines of New Leaf’s binary gender system, skinny player models, and light skin tones, that is.” Well, no fantasy is perfect. Jesse concurs. “It’s not perfect by any means, but New Leaf is the first game…that lets male villagers wear feminine clothing and vice versa. So, for people like me…it’s a blessing.”

Is there a Shrink in the hut?

Time for your estrogen booster!

There may not be any villagers in New Leaf’s game who practice psychology, (nor apparently any staffers at Jesse’s “fairly liberal high school”) but if such a clinician appears he might recognize transvestism as one of eight paraphilias (sexual deviancies) somewhat bashfully detailed in the 5th edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5).

If Jesse wished to discuss his transvestism with a professional he might discover that sexually-arousing fantasies entailing cross dressing are not uncommon in his age range–that homosexuals, bisexuals, and heterosexuals present with transvestism, that the symptoms often remit over time, often do not, and that the fundamental dangers are primarily to the transvestite–for obvious reasons.  Jesse might find ways to reduce or refocus his behaviors, or simply learn to function more comfortably within his diagnostic envelope.

The village shrink had best make haste, however, because as God is our witness, Jesse’s paraphilia will vanish from the always-trend-conscious DSM‘s next edition–following in the wake of such prior ejectees as homosexuality, ego-dystonic homosexuality, and sexual perversion, all flushed down the editorial memory hole.

The Search for Jesse’s Gender Identity…

Predictably, the computer simulations are soon insufficient to assuage Jesse’s yearnings. “I’m starting to wear skirts,” he writes….”I’m at the beginning of the process of figuring out my gender identity” and though still riven with incertitude, he is making progress. “[I] pierced my septum and my ears; and …recently began painting my nails. However, I still can’t bring myself to wear dresses or try earrings that are larger than studs…” 

A fashionista forever!

Jesse next praises Discord (the web platform, not the pejorative noun) exclaiming, “With the higher-resolution screen, brighter colors, and better graphics, the styles I choose…can really pop…and instead of asking me if I’m a boy or a girl …New Horizons asks me what my sense of style is…My friends and I can hop on Discord...I can now post screenshots of my villager on social media to say, “Hey! Check out my bangin’ style!”

But Jesse remains pessimistic owing to “the wave of transphobic fearmongering passing through the United States right now,” insisting his predilections make  computerized meeting places “more necessary than ever.” [More than ever? Seriously?] “I hope that queer youth are able to continue to use these digital playgrounds as a safe and fun space to play with gender…I’ll never be able to resist the life of an Animal Crossing fashionista.”

 Transphobia sweeps through the United States…

WOOF supports everyone’s right to dress stylishly.

We hope no one supposes this editorial an attack on Jesse. whose libertarian right to dress in feminine attire (‘bangin” or otherwise), we are predisposed  to defend. Jesse also retains the 1st amendment right to deem himself an occupant of any whimsically-excogitated “gender category” he likes– but not the right to make rational Americans pretend it’s real. That’s a bridge too far–a ‘right’ invented by the liberal establishment. Discerning Americans are well advised to oppose such flapdoodle.

It pains your editor to disappoint Jesse, but he needn’t bother himself further about his true gender identity. In skirts or out of skirts, you’re male Jesse. Even if you ultimately succumb to surgical mutilation to more persuasively disguise the fact, (as is your adult right), you will still be a male, however brutally amended. The Left will help you play dress-up and urge you to pretend otherwise–but it’s not so.

              Say, was that Ze with Zir? Are HU certan?

Seizing upon zany, nonsensical nonce terms to decorate one’s “gender identity” is really just another kind of transvestism. And eventually, probably after playing with numerous gender flavors, Jesse will opt for whichever current phrase strikes him as the sheikest –the most nearly perfect touch that gives his putative identity the most appealing glow. But he’ll still be a guy.

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The Sayings of Joe Biden–Wit and Wisdom from America’s only Zombie President!

We know what you’re thinking–who needs further evidence that Joe Biden is a mental disaster? For that matter, who would be nasty enough to make fun of a man who is obviously impaired cognitively? Isn’t that tasteless and cruel? Well, consider two points. First, the majority of liberals do not believe or have any clue that Joe Biden is a doddering, bumbling  embarrassment, living, as they do, in the bubble of sanitized leftist reporting that painstakingly edits Joe’s verbal fumbles and tosses his cognitive word salads to resemble something akin to purposive English.  Highly intelligent liberals we know scoff at the notion that Biden has mental difficulties and insist that videos showing such blatherings are “edited by the far right,” and are, of course, “debunked” [which see].  It is mainly for their sake that we offer this primer in the unbridled dumbness and incoherence of the 46th president’s official and casual utterances…but the rest of us can get a good laugh out of it, and sometimes one has to laugh to keep from crying.

Always an idiot…

Maybe you have to be a Norwegian to figure this out?

This should simultaneously address the second concern we voiced–in other words, is it cruel to make fun of the King for being naked? Yes, except in circumstances wherein noticing the King’s nakedness constitutes a vital revelation to his befuddled subjects, as well as an insight necessary to rational governance. Our first responsibility, then, is to demonstrate the President’s psychological deficiencies–not to politely pretermit them. We have an entire media complex devoted to the polite erasure (or at best, the hinky rationalizing) of the man’s deficits.

As most of us are already aware, these problems were observable long before the election of 2020, even though the media pretended they weren’t–even  bestowing upon him ridiculous accolades, calling him, for example, “the savviest foreign-policy thinker in the Senate” (ABC News, 2008). In truth, sadly, the President was always a nincompoop, and he is increasingly unmoored from even the most fundamental sensibilities.

He who says “A”…

The legendary WFB Jr, reminding us not to say “B.”

Biden was always an impulsive liar, for that matter, but it seems increasingly unlikely that he recognizes his own prevarications as such. In short, the press was committed to defending Biden’s spoken ludicrosities long before he thanked “the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics,” for elevating him to the presidency, (an accidental venture into truth telling that USA Today “fact checked” and dismissed because “since the beginning of his campaign, Biden’s foot has been no stranger to his mouth.”) Ha, ha–see? Debunked! No one should take Joe seriously, and therefore, no one should suggest Joe has a problem. But as William F. Buckley, Jr. often remarked, “If ‘A’ does not equal ‘B,’ than he who says ‘A’ cannot say ‘B.'”

Debunked..so he never said that right? Well, okay, he said it, but he was probably way too out of it to know what he was saying, so the whole idea that he said it at all is debunked, see?

Too, as with his election-fraud shout-out, Biden’s “gaffes” often have the ring of undisciplined truthfulness.  Remember during the campaign when he was asked how he and running mate Kamala Harris would resolve a major policy dispute, should one emerge between them? Biden frankly (and to Harris’s evident dismay), assured baffled CNN interviewers that, “I will develop some disease and say I have to resign.”  The quote has, of course, spiraled down the memory hole with sundry other Bidenisms, like the time Biden updated the Democrat caucus on his 900-billion-dollar stimulus package, chirruping, “If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong!” Right, and a 100% chance we’re going to get more inflation.

Inflation makes you stronger…

Fortunately for citizens concerned about inflation, Biden has determined that inflation is a kind of Nietzschean character builder, going so far as to tell a labor conference, “the number one threat is the strength, and that number one strength that we built is inflation!”

Russians did it!

Like, suddenly she’s Joe McCarthy?

Strength or not, Biden last week touted wage growth as a means of curbing inflation even after a new report showed prices climbing at the highest rate in 40 years, which, by the way, accounts for a lot of “wage growth,” which is is turn, well, never mind. Bidden blamed Putin’s “ruthless attack on the Ukraine,”for the additional two-dollar hike in gasoline prices,” insisting that “Ulmamitly [sic] the reason gas prices are up, is because of Russia!” But this could work out well because we will soon all switch to electric vehicles, according to Biden, because we are in “a great transition.” (So thank you, Vladimir Putin?)

“The Liberal World Order…”

Can we skip straight to “beyond?”

When asked why Americans should be expected to regard their current circumferences as “sustainable,” White House spokesman Brian Deese replied:,  “What you heard from the president today was a clear articulation [sic] of the stakes–this is about the future of the Liberal World Order and we have to stand firm.” Yipes.

It’s gotten to the point that smaller goofs and bizarre revelations hardly draw attention, like only last month when Biden welcomed an utterly unsuspecting Switzerland into NATO, and declared regime change in Russia inevitable– possibly to curtail what he is currently calling “Putin price hikes” and “Putin gas costs” while continuing–two years into his administration–to label inflation “transitory”…or, apparently, just until we get rid of Putin..

‘Ill-begotten’ gains…

To further emphasize the punishments his administration has in store for Putin and his band of price-hiking oligarchs, Biden gave a televised speech in which he repeatedly attempted to pronounce the word “kleptocracy” without success, saying instead, “we are going to accommodate [sic] the Russian oligarchs, and make sure that we take their ill-begotten [sic] gains. Heh, heh, we’re going to accommodate [sic] them! We’re going to seize their yachts, their luxury homes, and other ill-begotten gains of  Putin’s kepletoert–er–kloc–yeahhh-uh-lipto-ta-ta-cy...But these are bad guys.” (Kleptocrats, that is.) And in case you think Biden was simply enjoying the irony of the verb “accommodate” be aware that the White House transcript disallowed the word, assuring readers that Biden meant to say “hold accountable.” Surely you got that, right? Much of the press got it, apparently, and dutifully made the substitution in their print versions of his speech.

Remember: American Indians are Native Americans, but Indian Americans are from India.

His problems with race go back well before he called Barack Obama “…the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy–” But this article isn’t about Joe Biden’s sociopolitical history or voting record–it’s about his verbal wanderings, like the time he assured an emigre from India that emigrants from India adored him, shouting: “In Delaware the largest growth in population is from Indian Americans–moving from India–” (as supposedly evinced by the fact that) “In Delaware you cannot go to a 7/11 or as Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent, and I’m not joking!” Apparently Biden wished to  stress job availability for that demographic.

“White kids…”

Mysteriously underemployed actress with friend.

Actress Kirstie Alley may have exaggerated when she called Biden’s racial gaffes “constant,” but there are certainly more than can be detailed here. A standout example is his infamous reminder to Chris Wallace that his candidacy was sure to attract southerners because “Delaware was a slave state,” which ranks with his reassurances (offered during a town-hall hosted by the Asian & Latino Coalition), that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.”

“Lincoln or John Lewis?”

Quick, Jefferson Davis or Abraham Lincoln!? Those answering “Davis” are probably too dense to grasp this website–and you definitely “ain’t Black!”

Even race-baiting, that tried-and-true Democrat tradition, is unsafe from Biden’s lips. He failed dismally to rally an audience at the University of Atlanta by rhetorically demanding, “Do you want to be on the side of Dr. King or George Wallace? Do you want to be on the side of John Lewis or Bull Connor? Do you want to be on the side of Abraham Lincoln or Jefferson Davis?” Seriously? It wasn’t so much that Biden’s audience didn’t know who those people were, but rather as if they were unfamiliar to Biden.  Wallace and Connor were not only rabid racists, but also staunch Democrats. Abraham Lincoln, whom Biden presumably intended to laud, was the first Republican president. Jefferson Davis, prior to leading the slave states into rebellion, was a Democrat–and between King and Lewis, only Lewis became  a Democrat; King always shunned political alliances.

Sailor Joe?

So what on earth did Biden mean to ask? Why, for that matter, would he tell one town-hall audience, “I got started out of an HBCU: Delaware State. Now, I don’t want to hear anything negative about Delaware State. They’re my folks!” Except Biden’s “folks” noted he’d never attended Delaware State University. For that matter, he was never enrolled at any historically Black college or university. Biden’s mysterious claim was remindful of his remarks to graduating midshipmen at the United States Naval Academy that he himself had been “appointed to Annapolis in 1965” by Sen. J. Caleb Boggs, which is total bilge.  It’s reasonable to wonder: Does Joe Biden  believe these whoppers as he so casually utters them? The mind boggles.

Does he really believe he was arrested with Nelson Mandela in South Africa? Does he really believe he was arrested in the ’60s during the civil rights movement, as he often maintains?  Is he a licensed tractor trailer driver who spent one summer driving 18-wheeler big rigs, as he told  his audience at a Mack Truck assembly plant? No. Did he go to the Tree of Life synagogue, as he vividly recalls, in the wake of the horrendous antisemitic shootings there? He did not. In fact, he never set foot there according to the surviving Rabbi. Nor is he the recipient of three masters degrees, nor did he graduate from any college with with honors. What sort of space case, really, carries on like this? And let’s not even get started on “CornPop.”

Charlemagne is not amused!

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Charlemagne the God. But he never met CornPop.

In Danville, Virginia, when then VP candidate Biden warned an audience of Blacks that Mitt Romney wanted to put them back in chains, Black Democrat Charles Rangel, congressman from New York, took to the radio long enough to call Biden “stupid.” How can so obvious an insight continue to elude so many? It did not long elude “Charlemagne the God,” co-host of the morning radio show “The Breakfast Club,” which attracts a large African American listenership.  After telling Charlemagne in 2020 that any members of his audience thinking about voting for Donald Trump “ain’t Black,” he proceeded to denounce Trump as the”first racist to be elected president,” which may have gotten Woodrow Wilson off the hook, but induced Charlemagne to snap, “I really wish Joe Biden would shut the eff up forever.” You are not alone, Charlemagne the God.

Some of us took exception, also, to Biden’s recent description of “the MAGA movement” as “really the most extreme political organization that’s existed in American history…” shrinking the KKK, The American Nazi Party, and the American Communist Party, into seaming insignificance.

Subversive activities surpassing all others?

Back to the Mainland!

While in Warsaw, Biden bellowed that if Putin uses chemical weapons in the Ukraine “it will trigger a response in kind!” The idea of our forces using (or distributing) chemical weapons in the region continues to strike WOOF as, well, un-American, but nobody elected us president.

The harried but steadfast Jen Psaki–walking it all back again.

After his cadre of overworked correctors (cynically dubbed “the mop-up crew” by insiders), walked back Biden’s nerve-gas threat, some mischief-maker at C-SPAN asked Biden if, although unwilling to get involved militarily in Ukraine,  he was, “willing to get involved militarily to defend Taiwan if it comes to that?” Biden replied that he was. C-SPAN’s reporter  marveled, “You are?” Biden replied, “Yes. It’s a commitment we made.” Gosh, if poor, overworked Jen Psaki hadn’t burnt so much midnight oil reversing the president on this blooper, while lavishing lip service on the subversive one-China policy, Biden might have enjoyed our support for a glorious moment! But no, even while complaining that President Biden cannot, seemingly, “catch a break from all the bad headlines,” what little remains of Newsweek‘s editorial staff defended Maoist chapter and verse, reminding its several readers that “China considers Taiwan to be part of its sovereign territory, while the U.S. pursues a One China policy that recognizes only one Chinese government—the one based in Beijing.” And blah, blah, blah. 

WOOF’s support for Taiwan is a lot stronger than the State Department’s!

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NEW JERSEY POLICE AND ALERT EDUCATORS ACT JOINTLY TO PREEMPT BOMBING BINGE BY PSYCHO HAND DOODLER!

Freeze, sicko!

Good news, fellow Americans! The North Koreans may have developed the A-Bomb (after President Clinton successfully got them to give up their nuclear program, remember that triumph?) and the capacity to lob one into downtown San Francisco via their new ICBM that we let them develop, and the Iranians will soon be able to do the same, as well as blow Israel off the map, as well as blow up the Straits of Hormuz—but don’t fret yourselves, because you are safe from 16 year olds in Galloway Township  New Jersey!  Yessir, one of them nut cases went and doodled something in his school notebook—and as if that weren’t suspicious enough, apparently he went and doodled a gloved hand shooting flames, although other reports say (gasp!) he doodled a weapon. Fortunately, quick witted liberal teachers spotted this nefarious precursor to mass mayhem!

Alert liberal educators are the first line of defense against flaming hand doodles!

The school superintendent lost no time assuring the press that the public should be “thankful that we had a staff member that (saw something that) caused her some concern, and that she had the sense toreport it to school officials. These are things that teachers receive training on all the time.” Yes! Training evidently exists to ferret out sixteen year old boys who doodle weapons, or hands shooting flames out of them, or Lord knows what other fiendish evincements of psycho-pathological derangement! How fortunate we are, dear readers, that our schools are now bursting with highly trained super sleuths disguised as teachers who can sniff out these maniacs before they can strike, and keen-eyed guardians of the commonweal like the superintendent of Cedar Creek High School (home of the Pirates!) who fully support and applaud the preemptive actions of their cadres of self-educated psychiatric art analysts!! Greater EggHarbor (we didn’t make that up!) RegionalHighSchool District Superintendent, Steve Ciccariello, said that his teacher saw “hand-drawn pictures” of what appeared to be weapons in the boy’s personal notebook and sprang into action!

Experts tell WOOF flaming hand may have looked something like this! Only timely intervention prevented further such drawings!

Well sir, the police were summoned, and darned if they didn’t look at those terrifying doodles that 16-year-old boy drew! And darned if they didn’t “appear to resemble weapons,” according to unnamed police officials—so they took that deranged young rascal into custody iswhat they did!  And in case you don’t think this kid was crafty, listen to this part: Police Chief Pat Moran stated in relation to this case that “no threats were made by the student and there was no indication there was any danger posed to anyone or property at the school.” Now, think about that! If you are going to visit unholy bedlam on a population, isn’t that the first thing you wouldn’t do? You wouldn’t tip your hand, right? You wouldn’t make any threats and you wouldn’t give any indication that you posed a danger, right? Right! And this little monster saw it just that way, dear readers—he deviously didn’t do any of those things!  Clearly, the writing was on the wall.

No sooner had the police been summoned than they reviewed the sketchy sketches and performed a perfunctory projective psychological assessment based on, we assume, the current TSA manual of on-the-scene instant art analysis, based, we assume, on the collected works of Ernst Kris— wouldn’t you think? After all there are various approaches to this, but the classic insights of Dr. Kris who not only practiced as a psychoanalyst but also worked as an art historian and combined these fields to develop a psychoanalytical interpretation of works of art as particularly considered in his Imago  study, Ein geisteskranker Bildhauer  and his classic work “Psychoanalytic Explorations in Art,” seem to have informed the conclusions drawn in this instance. Chief Moran did not mention whether this was the specific foundation his officers relied upon in reaching their determination in this instance, but WOOF’s experts consider it likely, given their level of certitude, that Superintendent Ciccariello’s teachers trained using Kris’s insights, or at a minimum must have studied the psycho-fantastical interpretations of Bruno Bettelheim and the radical Objects-Relationsists, particularly Cashdan.

This classic example of psychotic art depicts flames shooting from a cat! Sources reveal the perpetrator in New Jersey had not yet progressed to sketching flaming cats!

But no matter what intellectual wellsprings led them to their speedy determinations, we may thank Heaven for their time spent in study, for no sooner was this ticking time bomb of a 16-year old waylaid for his scurrilous scribbling than investigators from the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office rushed to his home on East Spencer Lane where—brace yourselves, gentle readers—they found several “types of chemicals that when mixed together could cause an explosion,” according to police sources.

A bomb

As a public service, WOOF asked our Science and Technology Directorate to offer some suggestions as to what sorts of chemicals may have been found in the young man’s home. The list that we were offered included such exotic items as pool sanitizer, acetone, Drano, chlorate mixtures, isopropyl ether, hydrogen peroxide, bleach, zinc tablets, and ammonium liquids, not to mention fertilizer. Even more chilling, none of these or any other equally suspect chemicals had, at the point of the investigation, been mixed into any actual explosive combinations and thus the bomb sniffing dogs brought to the scene did not alert to any of them!  Obviously, the intent here was to thwart the bomb sniffing K-9 units by not having bombs! And as if that weren’t enough, police also discovered various gadgets and electronic items that could be used to make a bomb—you know, like a cell phone, and batteries–and the kid and his mom tried to explain this by saying that the school he attends, Cedar Creek, (home of the Pirates!) is a magnet school for kids interested in engineering and gadgetry and that he likes to take things apart and put them together. Sure! Tell that to the Atlantic City Police Department’s Bomb Squad, the Oceanville fire department, Galloway EMS, Egg Harbor City police, the K9s of Hamilton Township Police Department, the Atlantic City Police Department, Gloucester County Sheriff’s Department, Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department, Millville Police Department and Salem County Sheriff’s Department all of whom assisted with the investigation!

Photographic evidence proves notorious bomb maker Robert Oppenheimer started out with sketches, too!

At the terminus of this exemplary combined-forces operation, Chief Moran declared that “There was no indication he [the kid] was making a bomb, or using a bomb or detonating a bomb,” adding that the family and the student cooperated with the department during the investigation. Evidently on this basis, the student was promptly charged with possession of an explosive device, and was placed in Harborfield’s Detention Center where he is currently cooling his heals, soon to be joined, we can only suppose, by any other would-be terrorists who doodle gloves with flames coming out of them—or anything else you might see in any comic book published over the last 70 years!

Police search suspect’s home–(a simulation.)

Now, we hear from you readers, and a lot of you tell us you think we make stuff up. We aren’t sure why on earth you have that impression, frankly, but many of you do, apparently, so listen, we swear that every word of the above account is true and correct according to our most trusted sources—but here’s the part we just know you’re going to think we’re kidding you about—but we’re not! Honest!  If you want to know who has come to the legal rescue of the 16 year old kid who drew in his notebook and wound up in the slammer, it sure isn’t the ACLU. No, it’s the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. No, really, it is. Don’t believe us? Just email them at info@cbldf.org or give them a call at (212) 679-7151. Tell them WOOF says hi. We are not affiliated, by the way, and the CBLDF may be a bunch of commies for all we know—but at least they care!

Roy Lichenstein is thought to have started out doodling flaming hands too–it seemed innocent enough at the time!