Looking for Tail Gunner Jane

 “The chips are truly down!”

Experienced readers are already aware that WOOF never tires of quoting the fictive Gabriel Shears to the effect that “Thomas Jefferson once shot a man on the White House lawn for treason!” (See Guns-and-whamo forum for edification.) WOOF connoisseurs also know that we always admit the quote is sheer nonsense—we just can’t help relishing its piquancy despite its historical spuriousness. The image of Jefferson leveling a cocked musket at the mythical traitor is simply too compelling to fully abandon—like the image of Jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” haranguing Claude Rains until the old fraud shoots himself (nobody thought it odd in the ‘30s that a Senator packed heat), or the late Joe McCarthy wading into the massed ranks of the Leftist cabal like an Irish Catholic kamikaze pilot, warning Americans with ears to hear that “Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between communistic atheism and Christianity. The modern champions of communism have selected this as the time, and ladies and gentleman, the chips are down—the chips are truly down.”

Joe McCarthy is widely reported to have never flown a combat mission in WWII, whereas in fact he flew at least eleven. Seen here in the backseat of a Douglas Devastator

WOOF has long sensed, together with many of our doggedly loyal readers that manhood is in trouble. It has been endangered since at least the early ‘70s when feminist and other liberal sociologists began to redefine the characteristics of manliness—a fact noted somewhat counter-intuitively in such unlikely quarters as the 2004 November issue of Psychology Today in an article entitled “A Nation of Wimps.” The death of John Wayne deprived American culture of a masculine paradigm, and Liberalism, as always, rushed to fill the void. Education, the single most subversive element in American society (although not so conspicuously so as the National Democrat Media Establishment) has spared no effort convincing parents everywhere that manliness is a reprehensible trait, particularly in the male, bordering on mental disease. In 1959 if a kid got bullied in school, he was within his rights to smack the bully upside the head with his Roy Rogers lunch box. Today, no American schoolboy durst contemplate such an action—and were he to attempt it, the school system would close ranks around the ill-served bully—Marxism always siding with the proximal victim of dialectically-imposed anomie, as students of Communism are well aware.  No, today Johnny is manly if he marches on Gay Alliance Day or heads the class recycling drive or lectures his parents about driving an SUV. God forbid he should do anything psycho-dynamically “male,” like maybe doodle a gun in his notebook, for as we have reported on many occasions now he will be liable to suspension, chastisement in front of his class, or even to being thrown in the slammer, as befell a 16-year old Cedar Creek High School student in New Jersey who recently committed just such an offense.

From Buffalo Bill Jr. (1957) to Kurt on GLEE (2010) the masculine model for boys has been a-changin’

Politically, It is fair to say that the Republican side of the aisle suffers most from the degradation of the masculine ethos, because since JFK, there have been no authentic Democrat examples of manhood, while Republicans retain a certain atavistic attachment to the archetype. Manly on the political Left is Chucky Schumer, shrilling against the Defense of Marriage Act, Anthony Weiner, yapping at the pants cuffs of Glenn Beck like a deranged Pekinese, and ultimately expressing his manliness by accidentally tweeting his weener–sending thousands of fans a close up view of his erect penis intended only to harangue one woman he was stalking—or Ted Kennedy and little Chrissy

Anthony Weiner, from Obama’s attack Pekinese to a publicly exposed weener–another sorry image!

Dodd getting drunk and grabbing some hapless waitress to make a “waitress sandwich” out of in Teddy’s private “fun room” at the La Brasserie restaurant in D.C…..Manly on the left is John Kerry getting dragged about by his ear by the Widow Heinz, or the First Metrosexual Marxist sneaking out of the White House for fast food at midnight, after Mama Michelle is abed, dreaming of Huey Newton. Consider the Dadaistic moment in which Obama succumbed to a giddy impulse to assure an incredulous interviewer that he shoots skeet “all the time” at Camp David, which image is ipso facto so hilarious as to require little further comment. Is it any wonder that Bill Clinton is considered a virtual monument to machismo amongst progressives? But this is hardly to say that the Republican party is manly by contrast, merely to say that it wishes it were. Ronald Reagan is dead, and Bush, the F-102 fighter pilot, blew his street cred claiming “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” aboard the U.S.S. Lincoln, or possibly when he choked on the pretzel. Anybody who doubts that manhood is in short supply on the Republican side of the political equation need only observe the rush of inside-the-beltway RINOs to join in the nauseous eulogizing of the devastatingly miscreant Hillary Clinton at her recent hearings. These same stalwarts of the GOP next lined up to snipe at their brethren Paul and Johnson for displaying the cheek to tell Mrs. Clinton to her face that she’d screwed the pooch.

Blue, blue feelin’

With all this fresh in mind, WOOF turns its attention to John Boehner (R-Ohio) who is best known for public displays of weepiness, and recent news that the Speaker from Ohio is feeling blue again—regretting his performance in the fiscal cliff discussions and his role in bitterly gagging down the last-minute deal cooked up between the White House and the Democrat-controlled Senate. This after the Speaker capitulated on each of the main points of the so-called “fiscal cliff” standoff in exactly the way that WOOF’s own Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters foresaw in our recent news-before-it-actually-happens feature (although to be fair, Dr. Walters predicted capitulation on the debt ceiling, as well, which is yet to officially occur—but we have faith!) Last week, Boehner gave a private talk to the Ripon Society (NB: The Ripon Society is a centrist/left Republican group—they have a neutral rating from WOOF’s own Eastern Touchdowns files, meaning they aren’t all that bad.) So, Boehner told the assembled Riponites that he wished he had taken a harder line during the negotiations rather than making his smarmy speech the day after Obama’s bizarre re-election success in which he offered up “new revenue” as part of a larger budgetary compromise—new revenue, of course, meaning higher taxes. Have you noticed that, by the way? The new code word on Capital Hill for raising your taxes is “revenue,” and it’s favored now by both sides of the aisle! Not that higher taxes increase revenue—they lower revenue. But the ruling class has a solution for that too: More “revenue!” And let’s face it, John Boehner could no more grasp the complexities of the Laffer Curve than he could…oh…call the President a horse’s patoot.

The Speaker continued, “Looking back, what I should have done the day after the election was to make it clear the House has passed a bill to extend all of the current tax rates, the House has passed a bill to replace the sequester with cuts in mandatory spending, and the Senate ought to do its work,” Boehner said. Darn right! This is exactly the course of action Michele Bachmann loudly recommended to the House, and “It should have been what I said,” Boehner admitted, adding, “You know, again, hindsight is 20-20.”  Well, as Hillary would say, “woulda, coulda, shoulda, Mr. Speaker!” You didn’t need hindsight–WOOF had Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters standing by in beautiful downtown Zug Switzerland, by the azure radiance of Lake Zug, in the historic Canton of Zug, to bring you up to speed! You could have dropped us an email and we’d have straightened you out on everything!

Dr. Walters in Switzerland–foreseeing the entire collapse.

But no, rather than listen to WOOF, (or Bachmann) the Speaker of the House met continually with the First Marxist, who repeatedly played Lucy to Boehner’s Charlie Brown, coaxing him again and again to take a run at the football, jerking it out of range every time Boehner attempted to kick a goal. Boehner openly lamented his meetings with Obama, after the collapse of which he realized he had only the option of accepting the Senate’s fiscal cliff deal as hammered out by Joe Biden and Mitch McConnell, which was, of course, the Obama plan all along. This agreement

Joe Biden contemplates the fiscal cliff

raised taxes (oops, we mean revenues) and did absolutely nothing to reign in entitlements. At Ripon, Boehner complained of the dissatisfaction in his own ranks, remarking that, “Some of our members don’t realize that while I may be a nice enough guy, and I get along with people, when I was voting I had the 8th most conservative voting record in the House, but a lot of our newer members – they don’t know that. And so, you know, they think I’m some squish, that I’m ready to sell them out in a heartbeat, when obviously, most of you in this room know that that ain’t quite who I am.”  Well, all right, John, but wasn’t it Mrs. Gump who famously observed that “stupid is as stupid does?”

Sally Fields’s moment of authentic glory–as Gump’s mom

The Speaker concluded his remarks by assuring those present (two of whom were secret Wooferines) that he is recommitting himself to a House effort to cobble together a short-term approval of raising the debt limit (Dr. Walters scores again!) in exchange for a Democratic Senate promise to pass a budget—which of course they haven’t managed to do—not once—since Obama’s first coronation, and which promise, if secured, will naturally be broken after the debt ceiling is hiked. See, John? We didn’t even need to check with Dr. Walters to figure that one out!

  Ladies of the House

Get us out from under, Wonder Woman!

Where are the guts, beloved readers? Where are the lions of the Republic when we need them?  Yes, indeed and emphatically, there was the glorious rise of Allen West, and we certainly anticipate hearing more from that great champion of Americanism despite the fact that he was gerrymandered out of office in November, but he stands out for his uniqueness. In a conservative movement starved for leadership, it is tempting to see any indication of backbone whatsoever by any newly discovered Republican politician as heralding the “next Reagan,” but in the House, at least, WOOF is content to look for the next Michele Bachmann, and that’s what we wanted to share with you in this article, Woofketeers.  Perhaps given the cultural hostility currently reserved for men of guts and action, we would do well to cast our gaze to the distaff side. Of course WOOF already did this in 2012 with its inspired campaign to elect Christine O’Donnell president via write-in vote—and trust us, we are currently looking deeply into the apparent lack of response on election day 2012!  Closing ranks around Ms. O’Donnell and seeing to it that she is backed fiercely and uncompromisingly in whatever political venture she next assays is a top priority for us here at Watchdogs of Our Freedom, as it should be for all thoughtful, patriotic men and women.

But Christine is not alone in being denied her rightful status in the Republican leadership! Mia Love would have been the first black female Republican elected to congress had she not been narrowly beaten by some pinko punk named Matheson in Utah’s 4^th district in November. Her victory might have been assured had she not had a 3% chunk taken out of her potential support by a killjoy Libertarian named Jim L. Vein who didn’t have enough sense or decorum to get out of a lady’s way. Matheson thus beat Love only because 49% of the vote went to Matheson and 48% to the lady. But the splendidly conservative Love, who is of Haitian extraction, is only 36 and we can expect to hear much more from her, as soon as we figure out how to get those Libertarians out of the gosh darned way, or possibly recruit the brighter among them!  And as Mia proved through her performance as a key speaker at Romney’s nominating convention, she is a tenacious opponent of all things culturally or politically sinsitral and a champion of authentic conservative values!  As in the case of the extraordinary Christine O’Donnell, WOOF maintains lofty hopes for Mia Love’s political future—in fact, WOOF believes it is not too soon to consider her for the vice-presidential slot on the O’Donnell ticket in 2016!

But the VP nominee could be first on the bumper sticker, right?–so they’d read “LOVE O’DONNELL” see?

Only today we have the case of Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R- Tenn) calling the Great Helmsman out on his absurd remark that he shoots skeet “all the time” at Camp David–something His Eminence obviously thought of to say on the spur of the moment (to an absolutely incredulous New Republic interviewer who must have been hard pressed to jam the discordant datum into his staggered worldview). The President’s  flagrant prevarication may have erupted in pursuit of a transient fantasy of himself as something other than a stuffed-suit apparatchik whose narrow, fragile shoulders were perfectly suited to “getting funky” with Ellen Degeneres, but never intended for absorbing the mighty kick of a man-sized 12-gauge.  This was certainly not lost on the comely congresswoman from Tennessee’s 7th district with the consistent 100% ACU score–indeed, Blackburn openly mocked the First Fantasizer on the floor of the House and during an interview on the subversive CNN network during which she challenged the President to a bipartisan skeet shoot. So far, the White House does not appear to have accepted…perhaps seconds are being arranged?

Rep. Marsha Blackburn–ready to meet the Bamster at High Noon–and she’ll even cook the skeet!

Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Wash) has risen to the number 4 position in the House GOP leadership, and she is all about the battle too!  Who among her male counterparts can one imagine calling a “firebrand?” But “firebrand” is the word Sabrina Schaeffer, the executive director of the conservative Independent Women’s Forum, had for McMorris Rodgers, adding that, “Electing her to the chairmanship [of the House Republican Conference] is the first step in a much-needed transformation of the GOP party!” McMorris Rodgers isn’t a sunshine conservative—by no means a John McCain or Lindsey Graham—no, she’s a lioness, not a lemming!  She has voted to defund planned parenthood, fought  pay-parity legislation expanding mandatory insurance coverage for birth control, and opposed expanding domestic-violence protection to include gay and lesbian

Cathy McMorris Rodgers in Reagan red.

couples. She denounced the proposal to add gays and lesbians under the Violence Against Women Act as a “political stunt.” She has consistently fought to cut taxes, cut spending, and cut regulatory red tape. A farmer’s daughter, McMorris Rodgers, 43, was the first in her family to earn a college degree, and received her master’s in business administration from the University of Washington. Her defense record is exemplary. She voted to proscribe the President’s putting American boots on the ground during Obama’s criminal adventure in Libya, but voted against decreasing Navy and Air Force appropriations. She opposed the repeal of “don’t ask don’t tell,” and hosted the kick off of the Congressional Military Family Conference.  She is well enough organized and paced that even the subversives at CNN grudgingly admitted “ Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ life is like a well-conducted orchestra: Everything happens on cue in precisely the right note.” But CNN meant on the right note, right? Just saying.

Renee Ellmers–nursing a grudge against Obamacare

From North Carolina via Ironwood, Michigan where she paid her way through Oakland University to earn her nursing degree comes Renee Ellmers, who, unlike many of her male counterparts, lost her squeamishness while running the Trinity Wound Center in Dunn, North Carolina. Ellmers took up politics with a vengeance after the passage of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (read: socialized medicine) excited her wrath in 2010. She joined Americans for Prosperity, a free market political advocacy group, and easily secured her 2^nd District Republican Party nomination for Congress She ran against and defeated the execrable seven-term Democrat Bob Etheridge, gaining the endorsement of Sarah Palin in the process. Even better, Ellmers was honored with histrionic levels of media condemnation when she released a campaign ad condemning the “Park 51” (Muslim Mosque) “community center” at ground zero in Manhattan while criticizing Etheridge for hiding under his desk on the issue. The ad won special acknowledgment from Salon, which called it  “the most baldly anti-Muslim ad of the year”  and was simply proclaimed “bigotry” by the subversive Washington Post.  In November of 2010 Ellmers defeated Etheridge by 1,483 votes, Last November, 2012, she clobbered her new Democrat opponent and won re-election with 56% of the vote, and this despite having one of those pesky Libertarian me-tooers distracting the customary 3% of the electorate!

Newsweek’s famous attempt to make Bachmann look psycho–WOOF thought she looked hot.

Michelle Bachmann  of course, won her seat anew in blue, blue Minnesota in 2012, despite having been declared insane by Newsweek Magazine (which did not win re-election) and continues to be an implacable adversary of Obamacare, being the first member of the House to submit legislation demanding its repeal.  Where were the guys on this? Speaking of which, Obama issued an executive order (what else?) a week ago calling for an end to the long-standing Congressional pay freeze, thus initiating raises for returning members of Congress, federal workers and, of course, Vice President Joe Biden who deserves it perhaps more than anyone, being the funniest American since at least Stan Freberg. But even before Congress caved on the fiscal cliff fiasco, Bachmann introduced legislation aimed at prohibiting the pay increase, pointing out with gimlet accuracy that the First Marxist “decided to take the law into his own hands and in effect become his own congress.” She looked kind of lonely out there, though. Maybe everyone else really needed the money.

The governors listeth… 

How mad do liberals make Governor Martinez? Thisssss mad!

Future political leadership on a National basis may derive from various gubernatorial offices, of course, and the four leading Conservatives in this category are Susana Martinez, who rocketed to stardom as Governor of New Mexico where she called for tough immigration control and took steps to terminate New Mexico’s sanctuary status; Nikki Haley of South Carolina who has gone toe-to-toe with the Obama/Holder syndicate after signing a bill mandating voter identification cards in her state, and who remains on good terms with WOOF despite the fact that she conspicuously

Fallin asked for prayer to end heat wave–infuriating all 17 liberal Oklahomans.

failed to follow our advice and sneak Allen West into her state for appointment to the U.S. Senate following the departure of Jim DeMint;  Jan Brewer, who continues to duke it out epically with Obama in Arizona, and Mary Fallin who, as the Governor of Oklahoma, may have found it a simpler task championing conservative ideals in a state that is endemically conservative with a “C” for cowboy.  Any of these ladies could put the average House or Senatorial Republican male to shame in a contest of nerve.

WOOF can’t recall what point Governor Haley was making at this moment–but she’s obviously not describing Anthony Weiner.

Finally, of course, we can not close out our remarks on the highly impressive female conservative bullpen without including an homage to governors like Sarah Palin, who made the entire concept of distaff patriotism a national reality, even as she exposed herself to the full sexist fury of the Socialist Media. Palin has recently freed herself from the encumbrances of her affiliation with the centrist FOX News organization, which placed frequent constraints on her commentary, and is once again free to rampage. While it is certainly true that the vast totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us will continue to paint her as stupid, crazy, and jocund, and while it is equally true that these besmirchments are fully accepted by Americans in exactly those proportions as those believing that Hillary Clinton carried the day during her recent hearings, or that Barack Obama lowered taxes (or shoots skeet), the fact remains that Governor Palin poses a significant threat to the Left by her very existence, and could make herself a formidable nuisance to liberals in any one of several venues, as WOOF confidently expects her to do shortly. The best evidence, meanwhile, that she remains disconcerting to the leftist establishment is the sudden flurry of strangely coincidental stories and articles that greeted her dis-involvement with FOX—articles that simultaneously shout her irrelevance while betraying a high level of preoccupation. A perfect example is a phlegmatic attempt at a slam piece in a recent issue of Vanity Fair, entitled “Is the Sarah Palin Industry Doomed?” (note feigned solicitousness) by one Juli Weiner (no relation to Anthony, so far as we know) who tries her hardest but could use a few snarkiness lessons from Rachel Maddow.

“Hey Todd–I made the cover of Vanity Fair! (Sort of!)”

So, all this said, should the Right be seeking Goldwater, Reagan, or McCarthy amongst its male assemblage? Or should it be looking for the next Gipper or Tail Gunner Joe amid the influx of savvy, high energy, low tolerance, outspoken anti-Obamans of the fairer sex? WOOF has certainly not given up on the male membership of the Senate and House as potential protagonists of the authentic conservative cause, but it is increasingly mindful of the growing presence of first rate female talent—talent that in many instances, and in many categories, outshines that perceptible among the men of the GOP. And we already know that our girls can beat their guys—that’s how they got where they are now!  Perhaps the time has come to alter our expectations just a bit, fellow WOOFerians, and begin an earnest hunt for…Tail Gunner Jane.

“And another thing–Annie Lee Moss was a commie–you got that? A commie!”

Hillary, o, Hillary, whereat wert thou, Hillary?

Hillary finally reports for duty–was it her Ollie North moment?

WOOF realizes that many of you are baffled and bewildered by what happened Wednesday in the Senate and House when our very own first-ever recipient of the coveted “Dullie” award (for most foggy-bottomest acts of statespersonhood), showed up in a green dress and went pretty much berserk for a few hours. Yes, we refer to outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, but in keeping with our vow to refer henceforth to Mrs. Clinton in Tina Brown’s memorable phrase, we will refer to Hillary as “Her Magnificence” throughout much of this discussion. Now, as to the hearings—what was actually learned? Well, if you were previously unaware that House and Senate Republicans would rather gargle scorpions that pick a fight with a media darling, you learned that, right? And if you didn’t know that House and Senate Democrats would rather choke on their tongues than criticize a fellow Liberal, especially a Clinton, you certainly learned that. But most WOOFites already knew all that, so what is probably bothering you at this juncture is: what the heck was the rest of that Kafkaesque farrago about?  Or was it really the triumphant Ollie-North style storming of the Capital that the Post and the NY Times gushed about? Well, never fear, loyal readers! WOOF is here to explain the entire event to you, in an easily understood format with which to tutor your friends and relatives, in case they’re confused too.

Benghazi was never in “Roadhouse”

This is Benghazi

First, who is Ben Ghazi, and what does Hillary Clinton have to do with him? Regular readers are already aware that Benghazi is a place, not the name of the actor who starred in Run for Your Life; but most Americans still seem to be utterly unaware of this distinction, perhaps owing to the fact that the Liberal Media have not reported on the event much, for fear of causing viewers and readers distress and distracting them from the President’s election campaign and subsequent inaugural ceremonies. So for the benefit of the uninformed, Benghazi

This is Ben Gazarra–see the difference, America?

is the second largest city in Libya, and it was there on September 11 (ring any bells?) that a company-sized unit of well armed terrorists equipped with mortars and RPGs attacked the United States consulate compound. Apparently, American Ambassador Chris Stevens was thereupon moved to a “safe house” by Libyan body guards, who had been hired to replace Americans in the interest of multicultural outreach—good so far? Okay, well, in the interest of multicultural outreach, the body guards then went and told the Al Qaeda forces attacking the consulate where, in fact, they had just moved the Ambassador, at which point the safe house came under attack.

Ambassador Stevens’s final moments.

The entirety of the fighting, from the time of the attack on the consulate until the time Ambassador Stevens was dragged through the streets, serially raped, and murdered, was approximately six hours. Also killed were former SEAL Tyrone Woods, former SEAL Glen Doherty, and Sean Smith, U.S. Foreign Service Information Management Officer. Additionally, we know that between ten and twenty others were injured, although nobody has been permitted to interview or even to identify them, and WOOF hasn’t figured out who they are yet. We also know that during the prolonged battle, during which the former SEALS beat the Al Qaeda attackers by a score of 60 to 4, the White House situation room was watching the entire disaster with that cool, sophisticated detachment for which our Beloved Leader is so frequently praised by his lapdog press. See, there’s this lady named Charlene Lamb who is the State Department official who masterminded the whole Libyans-protecting-the-American-consulate idea, and she has testified she could “follow what was happening in almost real time.”  Bear that in mind, WOOFketeers, because that’s important!

Meet Charlene Lamb–the only person in the situation room on 9/11?

As WOOF followers are well aware, the next thing that happened was White House press secretary Jay Carney, boy propagandist, put on one of his more notable displays of creative fiction and insisted that the entire matter was just a protest over a film that nobody had ever heard of or seen. UN Ambassador Susan Rice went on every liberal weekend news program (which means all of them) and sternly repeated this rubbish. Mrs. Clinton even assured the nonplussed father of slain ex-SEAL Tyrone Woods, “we’re going to get the guy who made that film.”

The infamous film maker -WOOF’s 2012 person of year!

But there never really seemed to be any film—just a brief teaser for a film on YouTube that nobody here or abroad ever saw until the Administration began blaming it for the “spontaneous mob violence” that led to the Ambassador’s undoing. The poor schlub who made the teaser, Nakoula Nakoula (no we didn’t make that up) and may or may not have made the movie Innocence of Muslims (since those who acted in the film insist it was a different story altogether and only 20 people ever saw it screened) is rotting in the Regime’s political prison system, despite being WOOF’s “man of the year,” and having done absolutely nothing except forget to call his probation officer—but that’s not important now.

What if we blame it on some movie? Rice and Clinton confer.

What’s important is the strong probability that top officials of the Obama Administration watched the hours long fight in Libya by surveillance drone or satellite cameras while conversing with our side on their communications lash-up in the White House situation room, and chose to do nothing in response—in fact they chose to repeatedly deny CIA offers to send in help and never scrambled air support in the vicinity. Official unnamed sources have also informed WOOF that an AC130 gunship was in the vicinity but was never given permission to open fire. As Tyrone Woods’s father told moderate FOX News journalist Sean Hannity: “I don’t want to point any fingers, but obviously people in the White House were watching this happen real-time. Someone in the White House or many people in the White House watched the events unfolding and knew that if they gave the order to stand down that my son would die. They watched my son die.” The Administration has since countered that nobody watched as this happened, and there was only telephone contact, so maybe Mr. Woods should amend his complaint to: “They listened to my son die.”

The WH Situation room–packed with eager viewers during the UBL raid; but strangely vacant during 6-hour Benghazi crisis!

Obviously, the appropriate thing to do was haul the Secretary of State before a committee and ask her what the heck happened—but Hillary fell and bumped her head and couldn’t get up to testify. Until Wednesday. It was on Wednesday that Her Magnificence, looking wildly disheveled in some sort of shamrock-green fashion error, made herself at last available for congressional scrutiny and proceeded to clarify the situation as follows.

Her Magnificence stands on her record

Ben Cardin, (D), a standard hack Menshevik from Maryland who inexplicably defeated Michael Steele in a Senate race, expressed his sorrow that Clinton’s final appearance before Congress was to explain her role in a tragedy rather than to recap her diplomatic successes, but this seems an unlikely option at best.  WOOF has carefully checked, and there are no such diplomatic successes, unless one defines success as removing the reliably pro-American Hosni Mubarak from the Egyptian presidency and replacing

Mubarek–just dead. Thus always to our allies?

him with an anti-Semitic genocidal maniac named Morsi who rewrote the Egyptian constitution in one night, giving all authority to himself. But perhaps Cardin was thinking of how Hillary next helped eliminate the clownish Qadhafi in Libya, long bombed into reliable neutrality by Reagan’s military, and having deposed him through illegal, armed intervention, cracked jokes about his corpse while Islamic extremists replaced him and proved their gratitude by ultimately assaulting our consulate and killing our ambassador. While thus engaged, let’s remember too that Her Magnificence did absolutely nothing to support “Arab Spring” in the streets of Iran, where it might have overthrown the tyranny of that anti-American government, nor did she assist in the uprisings in Syria, where a banal little psychopath named Bashar Hafez al-Assad has been backing the murder of American troops in Iraq from the time they first arrived, in

Clownish no more–Qaddafi was slowly killed while Hillary cackled, “We came, we saw, he died!”

addition to which he is a pencil necked weirdo who wears gigantic neckties to emphasize his preternaturally tiny head, and who happens to be married to a really attractive lady whom he doesn’t deserve—so why not go after him, Your Magnificence?  Not his wife though, she’s obviously just misguided.  Oh, and let’s not forget that Hillary’s tenure comprises other “successes” such as selling Israel down the river, ignoring North Korea’s growing enthusiasm for lobbing ICBMs whither it whist (and developing atom bombs to put on them), betraying Poland by jerking the rug from under it in the missile defense deal she played a part in scrapping, while at approximately the same time inspiring so much scorn from Beijing that her recent visit to China invited nothing short of hostile derision from that government, and allowing relations with Russia to plummet into a new ice age despite her cute idea of presenting Putin with a big red “reset” button that was supposed to say  perezagruzka (перезагрузка), but in fact read peregruzka, which actually means  “overload” or else, “I am one jelly donut,” we forget which.

Or maybe it said, ‘I understand your lusts.’

Listen, when we give out the coveted John Foster Dulles (“Dullie”) award, we know what we’re doing, gentle readers, and Hillary deserved it! Her entire span of office was sheer chaos. A recent PewResearchCenter study of global attitudes towards the US indicates that sentiment toward America has plunged by double-digit margins everywhere in the world since 2009, and yet Sen. Barbara Boxer, (Dingbat-California), typified the absolutely ludicrous encomia heaped on Her Magnificence by nearly all committee members when she blathered: “Madame secretary you have represented us with tremendous strength and poise. You have won us friends.”

Hillary exhibits ‘poise’ with newly won friends in Libya–she gives victory sign while they contemplate attacking our consulate.

Her Magnificence goes on record

Hillary attempts to take oath as Girl Scout? No, just a pedantic moment.

Well, no “strength and poise” was on display during Hillary’s appearance on Wednesday. She screeched, ranted, pounded the table, flapped her arms and maintained a general affect of near hysteria as she struggled to cope with the questioning without actually giving up the answers. Her single moment of unClinton-like honesty was her initial declaration that “Nobody wants to sit where I am and have to think now about what coulda, shoulda, woulda happened.” Of course, nobody else had to. She went on to explain that Benghazi was a direct consequence of the Arab Spring revolts, which, she explained, toppled authoritarian rulers, thus unleashing “long-suppressed radical forces.” Worse, she pointed out that these forces were well armed as a consequence of the Libyan regime’s collapse and the resultant availability of sophisticated weapons. She neglected to mention that all of this occurred virtually at her direction, and was, at the time, shrilly extolled by her as the democratic remaking of the region.  So should she apologize? Well, no, because, she explained, “We are in a new reality, We are trying to make sense of changes that nobody had predicted but that we’re going to have to live with.” Well, yeah—we’re going to have to live with them because Her Magnificence orchestrated them, but somebody certainly could have predicted the disastrous results because WOOF certainly did—and so did most of the vast right-wing conspiracy, (while the media pundits were flapping their jaws numb about Arab Spring) so why is Hillary so shocked and mystified by her own creation—a pan-psychotic Middle East?

What difference does it make?

When Ron Johnson (R-Wis) pressed her about her inability to recall with any detail what was first known when or by whom, and why nothing whatsoever was done, Hillary shrieked, “The fact is, we had four dead Americans!” as though this had not occurred to anyone else—as though this weren’t the main reason she was being asked to remember how she allowed such a catastrophe to eventuate. Nearly hysterical, she continued,” Was it because of a protest or because of guys out for a walk one night who

Ron Johnson–Leading Wisconsin back to Senatorial glory after a long dry spell?

decided they’d go kill some Americans–  what difference, at this point, does it make?”  And suddenly cognizant of the shock her last ejaculation inscribed on the faces of the Senate panel, immediately added, “It is our job to figure out what happened and prevent it from ever happening again, Senator,” which suggests that maybe it does make a difference after all, and invites the listener to make the insane inference that the person who presided over the entire calamity and was at the informational nexus of events, is now going to set about looking into whatever may have happened…kind of like Dan Rather who finally said of his infamously hoaxed collection of George Bush’s supposed military records, after everyone else had long sense acknowledged their fraudulence, “If the documents are fake, I want to be the one to break the story!”  Besides which, of course, Hillary is slinking out of office and won’t be looking into anything except her own aggrandizement and future political career.

Four people died!

Her Magnificence solemnly acknowledged her full responsibility for the overall provision of security to her department’s outposts, and then claimed not to be responsible, emphasizing that the review board found that “direct responsibility for the deficiencies highlighted during the Benghazi assault began at the level of assistant secretary and below.”  The same board concluded that there had been absolutely no protest of a film involved in the mayhem of September 11, but Hillary didn’t mention that fact, probably because she couldn’t see what difference, at this point, it makes.

Hillary and  future victim Stevens–in happier days.

As to the frantic communications from the Ambassador to the effect that his safety was at issue, repeatedly insisting that his consulate required more security, Clinton simply said she never knew about it. The chairman on the House Committee on Homeland Security specified an August cable sent from the ambassador at Benghazi to the State Department requesting more security. “Someone within your office should have seen this cable?” he ventured. Clinton insisted that the cable never came to her attention. When Senators attempted to discover why the American people had been lied to about a movie protest for almost two weeks, Hillary scoffed, “I was pretty occupied about keeping our people safe, doing what needed to be done.… I wasn’t involved in the talking points process,” which response seems odd considering she’d done exactly nothing while her people were being butchered, and had herself assured Tyrone Wood’s father that she was hot on the trail of the evil filmmaker responsible for the crisis. But her magnificence has little to worry about. The monolithically Leftist media will repair her image for her, flushing her sins down the memory hole long before her presidential bid in 2016—and the excuse makers on the left are already hard at work putting the blame exactly where it could not rationally be suspected of belonging. Bush’s fault? Well, not quite, no—but it was left to Rep. Joaquin Castro, D-San Antonio, a committee member, to strike the proceedings’ comic high point by concluding that: “After this hearing one thing is clear, Congress must take a look at itself and seriously examine whether it commits the resources that are necessary for the State Department to carry out its job properly!” WOOF bets Representative Castro a free t-shirt against his redest power tie that he had that remark prepared before Her Magnificence ever sat down to testify.

“We’ve come a long way–” but we ain’t no-ways tard!   Or is we?

Not to be outdone, Hillary offered a comedic capstone, solemnly averring, “We’ve come a long way in the past four years, and we cannot afford to retreat now!”

_________________________________________________

QUESTIONS NOBODY GOT ANSWERED OR EVEN ASKED IN MOST CASES:

• Why is Charlene Lamb now the only person who seems to have been in real time contact with events as they transpired in Benghazi?
• Why are all the lower level State employees, including Lamb, who were said to have been let go because of their alleged negligence in the Benghazi affair still on the payroll?
• Who made the decision to deny the real-time assistance requested repeatedly by the CIA and the SEALS?
• Where was President Obama while this was happening?
• Where, indeed, was Hillary Clinton?
• Why did the administration conduct an illegal war in Libya to empower the very extremists who attacked the American compound and killed the Ambassador?
• Why did the administration blatantly lie for two weeks about the attack being a reaction to the movie “Innocence of Muslims,” which nobody ever heard of?
• And finally—why was Hillary Clinton’s entire campaign debt from 2008, in the amount of 25 million dollars, retired in full on the day she testified before the House and Senate?

______________________________________________________

      TANKS FOR NOTHING, EGYPT!

Mow down those protesters! Kill those Jews! Support the Pentagon’s mission objectives!

Oh, and in the wake of a violent 9/11 attack on the American Embassy in Egypt, occurring on the same night as the more infamous assault in Libya, and the seizure of the Egyptian government by the radically anti-American Muslim-Brotherhood, the Obama Administration is celebrating by sending its brethren in Egypt a fully equipped squadron of F-16 fighters. But less well known than this, is the additional gift of 200 combat-ready Abrams M-1 main battle tanks. Asked if this obvious effort to arm Israel’s potential adversary with the finest tanks in the world might not be considered a tad irresponsible, Obama’s Pentagon replied that it is constantly reviewing matters of military assistance to foreign regimes to ensure that all such allotments are consistent with “U.S. objectives” which apparently now include as many dead Israeli soldiers as possible, and the ability of Egyptian Thug-in-Chief Mohamed Morsi to run over as many protesters in his streets as he finds necessary to retain power. For his part, Morsi has commented that “No reasonable person can expect progress [with Israel]. Either you accept the Zionists and everything they want, or else there is war. This is what the occupiers of the land of Palestine know – these blood suckers who attack the Palestinians, these warmongers, these descendants of apes and pigs. They must not be given any opportunity and must not stand on any Islamic or Arab land. They must be driven out of our countries.”

Morsi–our man in Cairo!

Once again, WOOF politely asks America’s liberal Democratic Jewish voters:  Are you nuts?

WHY IS EVERYBODY ELSE GETTING DUMBER? WOOF GOES IN SEARCH OF STUPID!

IN SEARCH OF STUPID—WHY AMERICANS ARE BECOMING DUMBER

WOOF is hardly exceptional in noting that America as a culture is growing less intelligent, less discerning, and less aware.  Let’s examine the evidence, shall we? First, Christine O’Donnell was not elected president in November despite WOOF’s endorsement and outspoken support. Second, Barack Hussein Obama was reelected to the presidency after devastating the national economy, embarrassing himself and the United States abroad by bowing to foreign despots, engineering the “Arab Spring” disaster, flirting with communist dictators, insulting the British and the Israelis, and being caught on a live microphone promising the Russians to do further damage to America’s nuclear arsenal if re-elected. Oh yeah, and there was that  part about watching his Ambassador to Libya murdered on his situation-room widescreen while ordering rescuers to do nothing. He is now attempting to erase the 2^nd Amendment to the constitution and dramatically abridge the first. The nation’s free press, which once kept an eagle eye on politicians from a variety of sociopolitical vantage points is now almost 100% liberal and refuses to report on a good deal of what’s going on in the world for fear of tarnishing the image of the President they helped elect and whom they apotheosize routinely. Vast numbers of perfectly reasonable, generally responsible Americans, continue to consider all of this to be perfectly okay…even laudable.

“Don’t get stuck on stupid!” –Lt.Gen Russel Honore

Meanwhile: A quarter of the country was honestly astonished to discover that the Mayans had not accurately predicted our planetary demise this December. Prior to that, at a critical moment in our national history, Chief Justice Roberts made a decision on Obamacare so loopy it required him rewriting the Administration lawyers’ brief for them.  Only last week a 5-year-old Pennsylvania girl who offered to “shoot” another little girl at their school bus stop with her pink, plastic, Hello Kitty toy gun that blew soap bubbles was stood up in tears before her class, told the police would be involved, and suspended for “making terroristc threats.” The New Jersey town of West New York is considering a regulation banning the American flag, while a guy in Anchorage just tried to rob a bank with a hammer.  Americans seem more consternated by the “doping” confession of a champion bicyclist or the strong possibility that Beyonce lip-synced the national anthem than by the fact that their payroll taxes just heaved upward, or by the shrinking value of their dollar, or the cost of the gasoline they pump into their vehicles, or the fact that vast numbers of college-age American women  flocked to the polls last November completely persuaded that if Mitt Romney won the presidency they would be denied access to condoms.

Sheila Jackson Lee– looking for Old Glory on Mars.

One especially concerned voter blogged that if Romney won she was taking her uterus to Mars. The Occupy Wall Street Movement demonstrated repeatedly last year that record numbers of completely uninformed, unemployed, and recklessly fatuous dunderheads could be gathered in public places by a few ranting mountebanks, and our nation’s college graduates are more likely to accurately identify a photo of Lady Gaga (who performed at the President’s inaugural, by the way) than one of Joe Biden, Winston Churchill, or Condoleezza Rice. More than a third of these graduates will tell you that capitalism is what’s wrong with America, that Richard Nixon got us into Vietnam, and that we never really went to the moon. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, on the other hand, wanted NASA to tell her if the rover on Mars would be able to photograph the flag that she thought Neil Armstrong planted there, and Congressman Hank Johnson of Georgia worried aloud that the island of Guam would “tip over and capsize” if too many Marines were stationed on it. Put plainly, everywhere we look, people seem to be stupider. Except us, of course— we’re okay—but what’s with everybody else?

It has been thirty years at least since there was any reason to believe an American child attending public school was going to be taught history or grammar, and it is now the case that cursive writing is fading into desuetude.  The average American school child has no idea whom we fought in World War Two, or what the Cold War was about, except that it was some sort of paranoid delusion foisted upon a naïve public by the likes of Joe McCarthy and Curt LeMay. Ask any solipsistic nineteen year old college student how come he can’t tell you whom America fought in the war of 1812, and he’ll tell you, “because that was before I was born!”

Granted, kids are supposed to be ignorant, self-absorbed narcissists, but educators used to pride themselves on teaching them stuff anyway. Today educators pride themselves on surviving another day in the Blackboard Jungle of America’s public school system where super-litigiousness and liberal permissiveness long ago erased any possibility of teachers wielding authority over their students—but everybody turns on “Glee” and smiles at how cool everything is in High School. Your seven year old is more likely to come home from the 2^nd grade and bust you for failing to recycle your Diet Coke cans than be able to tell you who Thomas Jefferson was, and your neighbor, who has a degree from Yale, probably sincerely believes that too many Americans own machine guns, and that his Prius is saving the ozone layer.

Maybe being on TIME’s cover makes people stupid?

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey may have had all this on his mind when he remarked recently, “I am going to arrest all the stupid people in New Jersey.” (Okay, he wastalking about people who won’t get out of the way of hurricanes), but now we have increasing evidence that Governor Christie is getting sort of stupid himself, going through a kind of Justice Roberts metamorphosis into the kind of pol who says stuff like, “Being in this country without proper documentation is not a crime,” which, actually, it is of course. And then sometimes trying to say something smart sounds so stupid to stupid people that they think you’re stupid. Remember the debate in Delaware in 2010 in which Christine O’Donnell suggested that “separation of church and state” is not in the Constitution? She was nearly guffawed off stage, and so savaged in the liberal media (which is tautology, we know) that her campaign unctuously released a “clarification” to the effect that the comely patriot “was not questioning the concept of separation of church and state as subsequently established by the courts.”  Of course she wasn’t  She was pointing out that the language isn’t in our Constitution! It was Coons, her loathsome opponent, who should have issued a clarification, but the (stupid) crowd assumed he was correct.

Don’t blame us–we voted for Christine O’Donnell!

What’s going on with this? What is the major factor making America stupid? Why do people sit on their duffs instead of getting mad about their Decalogical rights being trampled? Why do most Americans who respond to polls believe the Democrats are the party of lower taxes? Why are the most popular movies nowadays based on comic book characters? (Okay, the first  Iron Man was pretty good.) Why do we put up with a Congress that sits around trying to find out whether some baseball player took steroids, but shrinks from the task of finding out why the President’s czars are either communists or outspoken admirers of communists?  Why do people watch major network news anchors? Believe in man-made global warming? Vote for Elizabeth Warren? Care who “Snooky” is? (We still don’t know—we thought she was one of those Cardassians, but evidently not).

Is it chem trails?

Alleged chemtrails–dumbness from above?

The possible answers are tentative at best, but they demand examination. And to begin with, what about the popular supposition that we are all getting dumber because of “chem  trails?” Yes, this is one of the most widely held conspiracy theories, and WOOF felt obliged to examine it for validity, given the dramatic decline in America’s mental acuity. On the face of it, after all, it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it! Secret aircraft flown by heartless mercenaries in the pay of subversive elements within our government, which would now clearly include the executive branch, dumping chemicals on the American people to sap their intellects, neutralize their adjudicative faculties, and render them docile, malleable servitors of the New Order, asking only their TV entertainments and their creature comforts in return for their lobotomized fidelity to the Ruling Class. Proponents of the “chemtrail” (chemical trail) theory insist that chemtrails can be distinguished from normal contrails (the vapor trails left by aircraft naturally) by analyzing their chemical content, and by observing their unusually long duration in the sky. Chemtrails are said to spread into cirrus-like cloud formations, the better for dispersal.

The basis for the chemtrail conspiracy theory (which we admit liking in spirit) is twofold. First, a United States Air Force document published in 1996 entitled Weather as a Force Multiplier: Owning the Weather in 2025, has been seized upon by conspiracy theorists as proving a military role in spraying chemicals into the atmosphere—supposedly to help manipulate weather patterns. WOOF is dismissive of this possibility because a) the Air Force paper was clearly speculative and hypothetical, not descriptive of a contemporaneous program, b) Dennis Kucinich believed it, and c) Even if true, it wouldn’t be making us stupider, not even Dennis Kucinich, so it isn’t interesting.

The other main basis for a belief in chemtrails is the extraordinarily high levels of barium “discovered” by a reporter for KSLA TV News in Louisiana in deposits thought to be the remnants of chemtrails. Apparently, everybody knows that chemtrails are supposed to have barium in them, even though nobody knows exactly why, so KSLA’s shocking find of a disproportionate amount of it in suspected chemtrail residue was picked up by many news services and Networks before it was discovered that the reporter who originally handled the story misunderstood the lab report and inadvertently misreported the data, which proved anticlimactically normal on second glance.  Which reminds us, why are local TV reporters so stupid? Oh well.

WOOF concludes that it is ridiculous to say that normal contrails don’t linger in the sky and dissipate slowly into cirrus-like clouds, because they do. They’ve been around forever, (okay, since the late 1930s) and they are exactly identical to all the photos and descriptions of chem trails. They are more numerous these days because more aircraft are in our skies, and the fact that so many Americans are convinced that these phenomena are the result of the chemical poisoning of our atmosphere is actually just another example of how foolish we are becoming! Sadly, WOOF is forced to dismiss the idea that chemtrails are culpable in the dumbing down of our citizenry, even though we wish it were true, because it would be less boring than explaining why it’s not. The sad fact, however, is that chem trails don’t exist—they are all contrails of the conventional variety. Ironically, the rapidly growing belief in them is an example of the very dumbness they are rumored to induce.  Sorry readers—but you didn’t really want to wind up in the same boat with Dennis Kucinich, did you?

So, Is it fluoride?

Well, here we have a major contender for the underlying explanation of our national plunge into foolishness! Objections to fluoridated water arose during the late 1940s and continued through the 1950s, covering the era that liberal reporters, liberal historians, and liberal academics like to call the “Red Scare” in America. For those who do not recall this era, suffice it that Reds (that means communists) were infiltrating our churches, our school systems, our entertainment industry and our government—and a lot of people rather sensibly got scared. This climaxed in the investigations of communist influences in our government by the McCarthy Senate Subcommittee on Investigations, and ended for all intents and purposes with the destruction of Senator McCarthy by communists in government and the press, liberals in the Eisenhower Administration, and several brands of whiskey of which Joe was excessively fond. The result of McCarthy’s fall from grace and subsequent death in 1957 is that communists went ahead and fully took control of everything in exactly the manner he said they would, and that explains much of the current situation in the United States. What does this have to do with fluoride? Read on, pilgrim!

By vilifying McCarthy to such an extent that the mere mention of his name was enough to dispel any inclination to point out the encroachments of communism in our culture, the Reds won a vital coup. Today, pointing out even the most manifest and influential communists in our government, like, oh, say, David Axelrod, Cass Sunstein, or Valerie Jarrett, can result in political disaster for the honest observer—witness the recent failure of American patriot and war hero, Allen West, to win re-election to Congress after he correctly pointed out that large numbers of his colleagues were dedicated, conscious agents of the communist cause. The accused parties, meanwhile, are summoned to professorial slots at Ivy League Universities even as American parents continue to go into hock raising tuition payments so that their beloved progeny can go be brainwashed by them.  Stupid?

As for fluoridation, it became the official policy of the U.S. Public Health Service in 1951.  Patriotic organizations like the John Birch Society opposed the move on ethical grounds and out of concern for the possible effects on health, as did many individual scientists and dental-health advocates, but they were held to ridicule in the press and made to appear crazed and zealotic in the public discourse.

General Ripper in “Strangelove”–crazy over fluoride.

The term “McCarthyism” was widely employed as a one-size-fits-all criticism for anyone who resisted the onslaught, so that by 1960, 50 million Americans were drinking fluoridated water, whether they wished to or not. Most of us have seen Stanley Kubrick’s “Dr. Strangelove,” in which an insane SAC General triggers a nuclear war because of his “paranoid” fear of fluoridation. But at best, fluoridation is forced medication, and should be anathema to any right thinking American. Increasingly, however, Americans are not thinking right. It is interesting to note that fluoridation reached record levels of distribution in the mid ‘60s, just in time to account for the defeat of Barry Goldwater’s presidential bid and the otherwise inexplicable election of Lyndon Baines Johnson, who lost no time implementing the subversive “Great Society” programs by which our present day dependencies on socialism were spawned, and a treasonably mismanaged war in Vietnam during which American forces were squandered while forbidden ever to invade the Communist North. As the pathological-yet-eerily-perceptive General Ripper enquires of his nonplussed Canadian counterpart in Kubrick’s film, “How does that coincide with your post-war commie conspiracy, eh, Mandrake?”

Only a few lonely conservative and scientific voices, including WOOF’s, have continued to warn against the dangers of fluoridation between the time of “Dr. Strangelove,” and today, though we now have nearly 70 million Americans on this involuntary medication program. And only now is the truth beginning to find its way to the public.

A total of 36 recent studies have examined the correlation between fluoride and human intelligence and concluded that lower IQ levels correlate with fluoride intake. Even the subversives at Harvard University felt constrained to admit that the effects of fluoride on the brains of young children are worrisome enough to urgently demand further research. It certainly seems that the far right was very right about fluoride, and it is well worth our time to consider fluoride’s role in the dumbing down of our citizenry, especially since the Harvard study revealed that children’s brains seem to be particularly susceptible. “Fluoride seems to fit in with lead, mercury, and other poisons that cause chemical brain drain,” according to senior study author Philippe Grandjean, a professor of environmental health at Harvard.

Okay, but don’t we need fluoride to keep our teeth healthy? Maybe it’s okay to have a bunch of dumb citizens if they have great teeth. This myth stems from the heyday of Dr. Trendley Dean, “the father of fluoridation,” who promoted the scientific belief that fluoridation would prevent cavities. Dean was equally insistent that it was absolutely safe. In 1945 Dean held the earliest fluoridation trials in Grand Rapids, Michigan. His results were applauded as heralding a cavity-free America, but since those happy days Trendley has confessed in two different courts of law that statistics from the early studies were bogus. A study in Arizona in 1993 studied tooth-decay rates in 12 to 14 year olds in both high and low fluoride areas and found no significant difference between them. Research from many parts of the world including a huge recent study in Japan now suggests that rather than benefiting users, fluoride actually damages teeth.

So yes, it looks like fluoride makes us dumb, and no, it doesn’t seem to do our teeth much good. We might want to get rid of that stuff. But can fluoride be the entire problem? The only culprit? WOOF thinks not!

School makes you stupid!?

School went wrong in the ‘60s—like almost everything else that went wrong. Remember, the psychedelic radicalism of the ‘60s was institutionalized in the ‘70s, but even before that, Leftist radicals in sports jackets or pants suits were busy infiltrating the educational establishment. Today, they permeate the American educational system. In 1965 their first initiative was the passage of the subversive Elementary and Secondary Education Act. As a result, funding became available for two radically deceitful undertakings. One was the Behavioral Science Teacher Education Program,  and the other was almost 600-page-long manual of behavior modification (read “brainwashing”) techniques called, “Pacesetters in Innovation.” The purpose of these programs was to institute a “progressive” curriculum designed to extinguish patriotism, individualism, and a belief in the American way—replacing these “outmoded concepts” with collectivism, socialism, and a belief that the United Nations should preside over a global government. To finish the job philosophically, the subversive NEA was given its own cabinet position in 1977 by the newly elected Jimmy Carter, formerly our nation’s worst president. Ensconced in the White House as the U.S. Department of Education, the purveyors of Soviet-style educative techniques proceeded with the dumbing down of the American public school pupil by systematically rooting out every educative program involving an authentic comprehension of American history, the Constitution, the Judeo/Christian ethic, or capitalism.

American educators–a bunch of little Ward Churchills?

Instead, school children were and are taught to revile their nations’ past, regard socialism as the wave of the future, and to work constantly in group settings. They study “language arts” instead of grammar, “social studies” instead of history, and the “New Math.” Health class promotes homosexuality, abortion rights, and heterosexual profligacy. The educational process for new teachers is anti-American, anti-White, anti-capitalist and anti-individualist. If the neophyte pedagogue doesn’t agree, or at least pretend to agree, he doesn’t receive teaching credentials. Multiculturalism, disguised as a laudable theory of outreach and inclusion, is in reality an effort to eliminate traditional American cultural values while keeping disparate elements of American society balkanized and mutually distrustful. Minorities are taught that it is hopeless to presume they can achieve success through hard work and persevernce—instead, they must devote their energies to soaking the unjust “system” and resign themselves to living on the dole, all the while armed with American Education’s newest curricular triumph, self esteem. The fact that the American Left is the system, is the establishment, is the privileged class, and is also the movies, the news, and the school system, goes unnoticed by multitudinous “beneficiaries” of this massive brainwashing campaign.

Strike back, kids!

So what can we do about this? Well, we need to get rid of fluoride and the NEA—how’s that for a slogan? Okay, it needs work; but WOOF has long believed that there is a latent tendency toward rebellion even in the fluoridated, brain-scrubbed children of today, that can be tapped into at every level of education. We must encourage this spirit, and incite our children to question their teachers’ motives, methods, and information! WOOF continues to encourage students in grade school or college to tape their teachers and expose them in the alternative media. What kind of teachers are we talking about?

Lacking an actual photo of the flag stomping, we asked Bill Ayers to stand in–er–stomp in?

Let’s just take one recent example. In Chapin, South Carolina, in December, Chapin High School teacher Scott Compton entertained several classes in a row with a lecture on the meaninglessness of symbols while stomping on the American flag to make his point. If one or two of his students had not become sufficiently irate to report Compton’s antics to their parents, nobody would have been the wiser. Should Compton be fired? Well, WOOF thinks he should be forced to open a Merle Haggard fan club and work in a veterans hospital, maybe not lose his job—because he’s nowhere near as crazy as some of the teachers out there, poisoning the minds of our nations youth. No, dear readers—Scott Compton is nowhere near as revolting as a lot of what’s been reported—and a lot of what goes unreported! WOOF hereby renews its urgent plea to the nation’s youth to reject the conformist liberalism that defines modern education, and strike back by reporting your teachers to us! If we agree, based on the evidence, that the teacher is a Godless commie—or even just a hopelessly whacked-out subversive—we’ll help publicize the fact! And meantime, we can all do whatever it takes at the city and county level to rid our water of fluoride—which turns out to be a commie plot, just like General Ripper tried to tell us!

Readers, we need to save our schools and our precious bodily fluids! Together we can rid education and our drinking water of these encroaching poisons! Let us make our voices heard! Let us armor our children against the America haters and the Marxists in their classrooms! Action this day! Let’s act today, WOOFketeers, before the entire country becomes….stuck on stupid!

THE GREAT OBAMA GUN GRAB–WOOF EXAMINES THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE CRAZY!

New York State’s annual State of the State address this month turned into an especially distasteful venture into unmanly hysterics during which a clearly irrational Andrew Cuomo seemed to squeal, gasp, and shriek a weird assortment of a-tonal imprecations at gun owning “extremists” whom, however he envisioned them, he clearly and emphatically hated. Even more crazily, the Governor seemed driven by the ironic idée fixe that destroying the 2^nd Amendment to the Constitution would be the most patriotically uplifting project to which New Yorkers could possibly commit themselves in the coming year, surpassing even Gay marriage and legalization of pot in this respect.  After spending the better part of the week sputtering about confiscation, the Governor proceeded to insist that this was not about “taking away people’s guns,” but was merely about “sweeping” gun control reforms in New York. In his speech, which was yelped at a frantic decibel level that might have been somewhat less unnecessary had microphones not been available, the Governor cried, “I own a gun! I own a Remington shotgun! I’ve hunted, I’ve shot! That’s not what this is about! It’s about ending the unnecessary risk of high-capacity assault rifles– That’s what this is about!” The Governor did not say what a “high capacity assault rifle” is, or where he believed such weapons to be stashed in his state, but he did manage to add that “No one needs 10 bullets to kill a deer! …End this madness now!” Insouciant of his own plea, he raved for several more minutes, finally making time to mention the need for a women’s equality act, more Gay marriage, and the legalization of marijuana. But that’s not important now.

An unseemly display of histrionics by a man terrified of–Bambi?! Whitaker Chambers, please call your office!

Predictably, the monolithically left-wing media found the Governor’s histrionics impressive. Commentators assured one another that Cuomo had put himself center stage for his party’s 2016 nomination for the presidency, and proven himself a statesman of exemplary courage and clarity fit for higher station. WOOF doesn’t understand how grownups manage to tell each other this kind of pish and tosh without choking in mid-hyperbole, but WOOF does understand that Governor Cuomo is a babbling dizzard of the first order, and somebody needs to tell him so—so, hey Governor Cuomo—regardless of what all those televised blown-dry panty wastes are saying about you, you’re a…well, just read back to the previous sentence and that’s what you are. No offense; it’s just that being Governor of New York you might go quite a while, blathering pointlessly

Andrew Cuomo comes undone–the crowd goes wild!

out there before anybody else warned you about yourself!  See, Governor, deer don’t shoot kids in schools. Deer don’t break into families’ homes, deer don’t jack cars, deer don’t rob us at the point of a weapon, deer don’t rape women; deer, Governor, are just a lot more innocent than you seem to think. Few of us are armed to protect ourselves from deer, Governor Cuomo—in fact you may be the only person we know who is armed to protect himself from deer. The vast majority of us out here, whether we hunt or do not hunt, own guns that were specifically designed to kill people, because killing people who are attempting to kill us is still legal in most states—possibly even in yours!  And because progressive policies like yours and those of your political ilk have made society a very unsafe place for those of us who don’t travel with body guards, we prefer to take necessary precautions. So can we drop all this “rights of hunters and sportsmen” humbug and focus on why the founders gave us a second amendment?  They gave us the second amendment mainly because they also knew that deer don’t attempt to subvert and abridge the rights of a free people. Tyrants do. Tyrants, Governor, and oleaginous two-bit politicos with nothing between their ears but tax-and-spend liberalism and that set of dark, totalitarian visions that it amuses you to call “progressive.”

2010–Harry holds onto a gun, his NRA endorsement, and his seat.

Remember a few weeks ago when WOOF told you bluntly that Harry Reid would lead the charge to grab your guns? Many of you told us not to worry. You told us that while Harry might be as shifty as a shite-house rat, and crazily far left on virtually every other position under the sun, we didn’t have to worry about his position on the second amendment. Old Harry was solid as Gibraltar on that point, you assured us.  But only this week Reid’s staff told reporters that his long-held pro-gun position was “evolving.” And do you know what it means when a liberal says he’s “evolving,” Woofketeers? It means he’s getting ready to publicly take a position that reflects what his true views have been all along. Remember when President Obama had to go evolve in order to support men marrying men?  (And just to be fair, women marrying women, which doesn’t seem quite as yucky, but still–!)  And if you don’t think Harry Reid is going to drop his pro-gun pretense in time for the final putsch toward an unarmed, subservient America, you’re delusional. We still like you and everything, especially those of you who are serially deceived Nevadans– but you’re still delusional! And if you think Harry has been pro-gun thus far in the course of his illustrious career, try popping over to Gun Owners of America’s website (we have the link below) and checking out their detailed history of Harry’s voting record on the issue! Or just go to http://gunowners.org/is-harry-reid-pro-gun-or-anti-gun.htm  Yes, we know you keep reading stuff about Harry pooh-poohing an assault weapons ban, but when he says these things, have you noticed his lips are moving? The surest sign that Harry Reid is being untruthful is his lips moving! Today found Harry making favorable noises about an “assault weapons ban” being on the Senate agenda. To paraphrase G. K. Chesterton regarding a different Utopian socialist, one can lie in bed at night and hear Harry Reid evolve.

Harry Reid evolving–actual photo.

Meanwhile, we have the painfully familiar sight of Dianne Feinstein, who wouldn’t know a derringer from a panzerfaust, storming to center stage in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy. As anyone who has observed Senator Feinstein in full bombast is aware, she is never so much in her glory as when she can maladroitly hoist some formidable-looking firearm while wearing her most sternly sanctimonious countenance, and proceed to declaim on the hazards of “assault rifles,” which terminology she has of late changed to “assault weapons” she having apparently at last absorbed the fact that almost nobody in America can legally own the former, or realistically define the latter.  The beauty of a war on “assault weapons,” clearly, is that nobody knows what they are, and this means that liberal pontificators can claim them to be whatever they prefer.  This worked well enough to bring about the 1994 Federal Assault Weapons Ban. Yes, that’s right—we already banned assault weapons, but apparently psychotic killers don’t read the papers, or else they appear not to have cared. A study conducted by the Department of Justice and the National Institute for Justice in 2004 declared that the assault weapons ban had “no discernible reduction in the lethality and injuriousness of gun violence, based on indicators like the percentage of gun crimes resulting in death or the share of gunfire incidents resulting in injury.” So, Feinstein has decided with impeccable liberal logic, it is high time to ban assault weapons some more!

See? It’s an assault weapon! Feinstein strikes her favorite show and tell pose.

The bill she has proposed this time to really, really, ban assault weapons, whatever they are, is intended to halt the 1) sale, 2) transfer, 3) importation and 4) manufacturing of military-style assault weapons, handguns, and shotguns as well as high-capacity ammunition feeding devices. It further demands a ban on weapons capable of holding more than 10 rounds (which means bullets, for you liberal readers), presumably because you don’t need ten “bullets” to kill a deer. But while Feinstein’s hysterics are music to the ears of her San Francisco peanut gallery, and while Cuomo’s ululations may win him the hearts of the New York Times and the Penthouse Mensheviks of Manhattan, they are not likely to match the mood of Congress precisely, not even a Congress laden with cowardly, inside-the-beltway con-swerve-atives (and don’t think they all shambled off with Dick Lugar—there is no reason to think that Marco Rubio, Chuck Grassley or Rep. Jack Kingston –just to name a few—won’t side with the gun banners given

Maybe it’ll work this time!

half a chance). So ramming “sweeping gun control reforms” through the legislative bodies might prove difficult. Normally, of course, this would mean the Second Amendment is safe—but not with Our Beloved Helmsman in the Oval Office….the first President in history to routinely ignore and openly disparage the constitution and even the courts is not likely to be slowed down by a recalcitrant legislative branch.

After the tortuous kabuki theater of Joe Biden spending days upon days meeting with the aggrieved, the anti-gun, the civic minded, and just for giggles with some pro-gun advocates, all the while taking pains to simulate comprehending what any of them were saying to him, the Vice President grandly approached President Obama with his “gleanings”—which gleanings had been placed in his hand by the leftists at the subversive think tank, Center for American Progress, before he’d ever met with anybody—trust us!  Thus Joe was saved the agony of having to contemplate anything, or even of paying strict attention to anyone—he was simply tasked with handing the preconceived program to the President, who accepted the hand-off and declared that a day would pass and then, surrounded by an army of children, (just to make the scene as cloyingly fulsome as possible) Our Beloved Helmsman will unfold his plan, and make it plain that many of the conditions, in order to be implemented (for the children, of course) must be implemented by Presidential directive. And what is a Presidential Directive?

Again with the big words! How many more days of this? Joe’s show committee grinds along.

Correctly understood a Presidential Directive is an executive order issued by the President with the advice and consent of the National Security Council. Such directives are intended to define or orchestrate the executive’s national security policy and as such they carry the “full force and effect of law.” Bill Clinton abused this power frequently and nobody particularly objected, so Obama has evidently concluded that he can usurp congressional authority by issuing directives  to suit his every whim. But the constitutional separation of powers does not allow for such broad use. While the President may constitutionally issue a decree to carry out a particular action committed to his discretion by the Constitution or by a lawful statute passed by Congress, this does not mean he can slice through the separation of powers and usurp congressional authority. If the President attempts this, he is breaking the law and assaulting the very Constitution he is sworn to protect—an impeachable offense, in a time when grown ups were in charge. But today?

October 1789, Washington uses a Presidential Directive to proclaim the first national day of thanksgiving.

So this morning we have the spectacle of our Dear Leader, surrounded by der kinder and their beaming parents, speechifying from the White House, enjoining the nation to help him end the scourge of gun violence. Next we were treated to the high comedy of Janet Napolitano over at Homeland Security releasing a statement that she’ll be “proud to support” the Obama administration’s efforts to “combat gun violence in our country.”  Should someone tell this nanoid intellect that she is the Obama Administration? And how do she and Our Beloved Helmsman propose to ensure our safety? By disarming the honest citizenry and neutralizing that pesky Constitution, of course—but they daren’t directly say so. Instead, as predicted, Obama let loose a flurry of Presidential Directives, 23 in all, most of which are surprising for their mushy inexactitude, such as number thirteen, which directs that efforts be maximized (whatever that means) “to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime.” This could obviously be construed to mean anything, from retroactive confiscation of firearms to mandating that every citizen go at all times armed. Additionally it seems to suggest that gun wielding crooks be

Many do not realize that using children to make a political point has a lengthy pedigree.

punished severely, which the NRA, WOOF, almost all conservatives, Mickey Spillane and Batman have all been demanding for decades while liberals turned a deaf ear. Other directives are laughable for their disingenuousness, such as number fifteen, which posits that “it be clarified that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes,” which will be difficult to clarify indeed, even once that tricky syntax is resolved, inasmuch as the Affordable Care Act prohibits exactly that—but oh well. It seems odd that Obama placed so much emphasis on today’s speech and then held forth, in the event, with such phlegmatic decretals. But in all the mush and vagueness lies the opportunity for much mischief once the lawyerly classes of the Senate and House have an opportunity to do some interpretive parsing, not to mention every fruit loop that Clinton or Obama appointed to a Federal judgeship. So is it time for the citizenry to consider taking up arms against the leviathan of tyranny?

No!  That’s exactly what they expect us to do! Don’t be deceived by the fact that we dwell in a post-modern era in which truth is deemed unimportant compared to perception, and the perception created by the media is that all of this constitution trashing  is quite wonderful. Do not be deceived by the eight or ten “polls” that just fell out of the blue showing that a majority of Americans support the Obama gun control agenda—that’s just liberal pollsters at play. All of this anti-gun business may yet be rebuked by a Congress that fears its constituents far more than it fears Rosie O’Donnell or the Washington Post (which in any case, only they read). Let us confront this issue in Congress and in the courts and see if we can’t stymie the Vast Left Wing Socialist Totalitarian Conspiracy that governs us! Perhaps we can settle this on the floor of Congress and in the judiciary when necessary. Let’s give it the old WOOF try! We can still win this one without “going Sam Adams” on the feds! The NRA has gained a quarter of a million new members in just two weeks, and more will surely follow! The media and the liberal establishment sought to shame gun owners into capitulation, or make pariahs of them; but instead they sent hordes of people flocking to gun stores to arm themselves in accordance with their second-amendment rights! There are plenty of us ready to stand against this tyranny by haranguing our elected representatives to wakefulness, and the new NRA ads assailing the moral hypocrisy of the Left are so “right on” that offended network news pundits are bellowing like branded cows. In fact, the funniest episode of the day was the White House’s reaction to the NRA ad pointing out that Obama’s kids go everywhere with armed protection while their father calls armed protection for most kids wrong.  A studiedly offended White House released a statement that “The President’s kids should not be used as pawns in a political fight.” Apparently, only the kids Obama has flown in as window dressing while he makes his emotion-driven anti-gun speeches should be used as pawns in a political fight. Who knew?

The President is really just high-fiving these momentarily useful children– it’s not some kind of weird salute, or anything!

Meanwhile, want to totally mess with BATF, the White House, the congress, and Janet Napolitano? Want to simultaneously be able to stockpile types of ammo less in demand than many of the more popular calibers? WOOF’s own Bang Gunley has suggested getting yourself a “Mare’s Leg” like Steve McQueen (lifelong Republican, by the way) used to carry on the old TV show “Wanted Dead or Alive.” They are, admittedly, expensive, impractical, hard to aim, and totally weird looking, but trying to classify them will drive the Left nuts…and hey, one or two of these exotic works of art kept Steve alive through four entire TV seasons. And the intimidation factor? Now as then: Maximum!

Steve McQueen’s “Mare’s Leg” circa 1960–confusion to our enemies!

_____________________________________________________

SERIOUSLY INTERESTED IN OWNING ONE? HERE ARE THE BEST SOURCES–WOOF IS NOT AFFILIATED AND WOULD NOT RECEIVE A DIME ON ANY PURCHASE!  WE BELIEVE IN THE WAY OF ‘GIVE’ AND NOT ‘GET’–DAMMIT!

Eagle Squadron Productions offers an “authentic 1892 Winchester Mare’s Leg carbine.” Of course the gun on the show was mythic, so “authentic” means it’s made like Steve’s! http://www.eaglesquadronproductions.com/bounty.htm

J.B. Custom markets a “1892 Mares Leg Lever Action Pistol”. ..a fully functional copy of McQueen’s weapon, available in a number of calibers.  http://wildwestmerchandise.com/

Rossi Firearms offers a Mare’s leg under the name Ranch Hand.  The Rossi Ranch Hand is manufactured by Taurus in Brazil. ^{http://www.rossiusa.com/product-details.cfm?id=224&category=17.}

Henry Repeating Arms manufactures two versions of the Mare’s Leg.  http://henryrepeating.com/rifle-mares-leg.cfm

This model by Rossi is called the “Ranch Hand”

WOOF reviews the “Zero Dark Thirty” controversy without actually seeing the movie!

What happened to the film “Zero Dark Thirty” between conception and execution? The strange story of a film that was originally expected to puff President Obama as “The Man Who Shot Osama Bin Laden” but wound up hated and despised by all the proper Leftists, is as mysterious as the special warfare and intelligence communities it depicts. It also demonstrates how quickly the tides of totalitarian opinion can change within the vast clockwork fruitcake that is the entertainment Left, and marks an unusually firm relationship being established between politicians and show-biz types both on the occasion of the film’s inception, and in response to its recent release. WOOF wishes to make it clear that this is not a review of the movie per se, as none of us here in the secret cave have actually gone out and seen it. No, this is a discussion of how curiously the film appears to have transformed itself from an object of hope and praise on the left, into a widely denounced “celebration of torture” that decent humans everywhere are advised to avoid at all costs.

WOOF remains convinced OBL may have been his own sister.

Let’s us first explain for the unenlightened that the film in question portrays the hunt for, and the eventual discovery and killing of, Osama Bin Laden. WOOF has not had much to say about Bin Laden since we published an ALERT in 2008 in which we made the case that Osama Bin Laden was actually his own sister. Needless to say, our revelation met with a predictable wall of silence from the establishment, but we should in no respect be here construed as backing away from our original claim which we continue to consider founded on reliable evidence. We have also not said anything about movies since we advised readers to see “The Incredibles,” which we were pleased to see did quite well, subsequent to our endorsement. But in the case of “Zero Dark Thirty” we are fascinated by the way in which the film was initially defended and ballyhooed by the vast left-wing totalitarian socialist conspiracy that governs us, only to wind up in the hurt locker—if you know what we mean.

Rep. King on guard against the Hollywood Left.

Back in 2011 when the film was first underway, Conservative congressman Peter King (R-NY) had a fit over it, calling it blatant leftwing propaganda aimed at ensuring the re-election of President Obama. The film, at least as originally conceived by the Beloved Helmsman’s supporters in tinsel town, was going to show a commanding, hard-as-nails Commander in Chief taking charge of the situation and hunting the villainous Bin Laden to ground where all others had failed. It was speculated that the movie version of events would have the President hovering in a command chopper, or perhaps making a HALO jump into the compound to motion in his Presidential SEAL Team. King angrily charged that the White House was providing unprecedented special access to intelligence secrets and mission protocols to the film’s director, Kathryn Bigelow and her script writer, Mark Boal. As if shilling for Representative King, which is impossible to believe in the circumstances, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd –famously the most humorless human being on earth—gloated that “the moviemakers are getting top-level access to the most classified mission in history,” and made the case that the film’s intended release date of Oct. 12, 2012,  was “perfectly timed to give a home-stretch boost” to the Obama campaign. This incensed John Hayward at Human Events who wrote that “The killing of bin Laden is a worthy story to tell, but not if it’s an eleventh-hour cinematic love letter from Hollywood to a failed president.” Opinionists on the right began to refer to Kathryn Bigelow as the new Leni Riefenstahl, (Hitler’s brilliant but misguidedly-alacritous filmmaker) who is best known for her pro-Nazi documentary, “Triumph of the Will.”

Leni Riefenstahl–filmdom’s official twisted sister.

The conservative Judicial Watch charged that screen writer Boal was far too chummy with the Obama administration and made a similar charge regarding Bigelow. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta met on occasion with Boal and was therefore grilled regarding the suspected release of classified and potentially damaging intelligence to the filmmakers. Panetta promised Rep.King’s committee that, “No unauthorized disclosures were provided to movie producers or anybody else,” which is, once appropriately parsed, merely saying the filmmakers weren’t handed anything Obama didn’t say to give them, which was King’s point to begin with—that Obama was giving away the candy store to Hollywood in hopes of portraying himself as Dick Marcincko. For a few anxious weeks, America’s conservatives braced themselves for the arrival of a film that would propel Barack Obama (whom nobody intelligently believed could otherwise be re-elected) back into the Oval Office. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind what would be on display—a kind of redo of The Missiles of October as our gallant young president rose to the occasion, stiffening the spines of his less courageous minions, barking necessary corrections to his loyal but tactically obtuse military leaders, and essentially masterminding the culmination of a hunt that no one in the theater would be left to doubt began in earnest only after his election in 2008. It all seemed as unavoidable as it would be asinine—but a strange thing happened on the way to Pakistan.

Obrambo? This was the cinematic depiction the Left anticipated and the Right feared.

The first signs of difficulty arose when it turned out the movie just wouldn’t arrive on time—in fact, it was delayed until December, meaning it would not be available in time to  propagandize the brain dead into marching determinedly to the polls to re-elect Barack “Old Blood and Guts” Obama. But the unthinkable occurred anyhow, and Our Beloved Helmsman was retained in office despite fewer people voting for him than voted for John McCain in the previous election (effecting an election result that WOOF is unsure whether to attribute to voter fraud, or, perhaps, to the allegedly stupefying effects of ‘chem trails’).  So in the event, the urgency of a pre-election release was lost in the media-wide celebration of the Return of the King, runaway spending, higher taxes, and universal health rationing…but then, once things had calmed down to a dull afterglow, came the Bigelow film’s pre-release publicity campaign. Like diviners scowling at the innards of a sacrificial goat, critics and conservative pundits began to consult the images for portent. Almost playfully, the early trailers showed a character staring off-screen and exclaiming, “Oh my God, is that I what I think it is?!” But it was difficult to determine, from the teasers, whether the film was or as not what everybody thought it was…a two hour Obama campaign ad. And then,  in due course, came the debut of “Zero Dark Thirty”.

Naomi Wolf–Oh my God, is that what I think it is?

And then, dear readers, a remarkable phenomenon manifested. Rather like in a debating class when the teams, having competed, are suddenly asked by the crafty professor to switch positions and debate again, all the accusations and complaints remained, but the advocates of those positions swapped roles. To begin with, outrage of outrages, the film’s anticipated hero did not even show up on screen! Yes, reader, although WOOF has not seen this picture, we are assured by Hollywood insiders (who went to the movie) that Barack Obama is never depicted, let alone lionized, in the story line. As screenwriter Boals had predicted earlier in Entertainment Weekly, “A lot of people are going to be surprised when they see the film. For example, the President is not depicted in the movie. He’s just not in the movie.” Not in the movie?  So what is depicted in the film? The hard work of a CIA analyst who suffices as a sort of intelligence-community Everywoman, the courage and ingenuity of America’s special operations forces, and, most offensively to the Left, the evident value of torture as a means of extracting vital information from homicidal barbarians who will not offer information voluntarily. Holy Jack Bauer, Batman!

After witnessing Obama staging victory lap after victory lap in the wake of the Bin Laden slaying, while Vice President Biden gushed about the event at every conceivable opportunity as though Barack had choppered in and delivered the fatal shot personally, the Left in Hollywood and on the East Coast was suddenly faced with a film in which the President didn’t even merit a single scene. A Hollywood Left that had previously been atwitter with discussion of whether the Great Helmsman should play himself in his hagiography (after all who else could play him? Denzel Washington? Will Smith? Forest Whitaker? ) was suddenly confronted with a film in which their star was …”just not in the movie.” Where the vision had once been of Kathryn Bigelow as a kind of female Virgil, singing of arms and the man—there was now no man, only some hardworking CIA chick, and the righteous deployment of American arms. And there is nothing more offensive to Hollywood than a film about America’s intelligence services and military that doesn’t vilify our intelligence services and military. So tempers flared.

Jessica Chastain as some CIA chick? Where’s the Man?

The liberal cultural cabal, while not authentically capable of subtlety, often attempts it.  In this instance it would not do to rail against Bigelow and Boals for failing to deliver the expected paean to Field Marshall Barack; no, that would plainly reek of sour grapes, and besides, the only moral high ground from which liberalism ever functions plausibly is that of sanctimony, and so a cause for righteous indignation had to be found, however ancillary to the actual grievance. That was no problem in the case of “Zero Dark Thirty”, because “Zero Dark Thirty” shows torture, folks—and worse than that, it shows torture paying off with the kind of info that led to pinpointing Bin Laden’s location. Thus, while Bigelow continued to be depicted as a contemporary version of Hitler’s pet cinematographer Leni Riefenstahl, the comparison now emanated from Naomi Wolf (herself a failed director having unsuccessfully endeavored to coach Al Gore to play the part of an alpha male in the 2000 election). Wolf pretended to address Bigelow directly, huffing that “like Riefenstahl you are a great artist, But now you will be remembered forever as torture’s handmaiden.” Yipes! But this was only an opening burst. Frank Bruni at the subversive New York Times declared the film’s theme to be “No waterboarding, no Bin Laden.”  Emily Bazelon guessed that “the filmmakers didn’t start out to be Bush-Cheney apologists” but made it plain they had stumbled into that apparently abhorrent mindset and were not even contrite, because “perhaps they’re in denial…” while Michael Wolff at the Guardian (which we would call subversive except it’s British and they can’t help it, really) ranted that the film was “a nasty piece of pulp and propaganda” and deemed director Bigelow “a fetishist and sadist.” In fact, many of the film reviews contained longsome disputations of the efficacy of torture as a means of interrogation, which to our knowledge has never previously been a criterion by which cinema was evaluated. Poor Kathryn Bigelow, gone from the Left’s great brunette hope in the battle to retain the Obama presidency, to the SM-obsessed dungeon mistress from Hell.

Director Bigelow–the new face of fetishistic sadism? So, no Oscar?

With her film opening today in a wide splay of theaters after a cautious limited release during which it fared well despite the opprobrium from the Left, Bigelow seems not to have aroused massive support from the right—you know, the pro-torture right. But to be certain of this, WOOF decided to examine the views of all the best known conservative film critics, and of course that would be Michael Medved. Medved sorely disappointed WOOF by reviewing the film as a film, faulting it for a lack of depth in its characterizations and for moving slowly for the first ninety minutes. He gave “Zero Dark Thirty” three stars and called it “expertly crafted but maddeningly flawed.” Like, what kind of a stupid review is that? Apparently lost in some sanctum of the cloistered conservative right, Medved seems to have lost sight of the need to opine on whether the film is bad because it shows torture leading us to Bin Laden, or pretty good even though it is flawed by showing that torture led us to Bin Laden; and then to say whether torture did or did not in reality lead us to bin Laden—but his review is inexcusably devoid of anything other than cinematic evaluations. Oh well.

Bigelow with Hurt-Locker Oscar–in chummier days.

And as if Medved’s Pilate act weren’t enough of a shunning, out came the Oscar nominations for this year, which WOOF would typically disdain to mention, except that  “Zero Dark Thirty” received a namby pamby five nominations including best picture, best lead actress (Jessica Chastain as the CIA chick) and best original screenplay for Mark Boal. That’s chicken feed compared to what Hollywood bestowed on Spielberg’s Lincoln, which picked up 12 nominations, and consider this: Kathryn Bigelow was NOT nominated as best director.  Now, that’s a snub, fellow patriots, and it must leave Miss Bigelow wondering, in wistful moments, how she went from heroine to heel so quickly in an industry that awarded her the Oscar for best director in 2010 for The Hurt Locker (which WOOF never went to see—but we hear it was okay.)

And as if all this weren’t enough obloquy and disdain for the slenderly attractive film director to bear on her shoulders, we now have the United States Senate involved in the act, with a little presentation WOOF likes to call “A Gal, A Git, and a Gob.” Yes, dear readers, if you don’t think the White House is unhappy with how the Obama war epic turned out, or the fact that Secretary of Defense Panetta (before the muzzle was clapped on firmly) freely circulated his concurrence that water boarding got us to Bin Laden—just consider the appearance, as if by magic, of Capital Hill’s newest cinema critics, Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), Carl Levin (D-Mich.) and, of course, shambling along behind these two pixelated liberals like some obedient-though-witless tulpa comes John McCain (R-Ariz) as the Maverick. These legislative heavy weights were able to wrest themselves away from the onerous demands of a disintegrating economy and a massively disfigured social fabric long enough to waddle up to some microphones and jointly denounced “Zero Dark Thirty’s'” depiction of successful enhanced interrogation methods. They lectured the film’s producer about his “social and moral obligation to get the facts straight.”  John McCain said that the film made him sick, which was certainly a more concise version of what the Left had been trying to communicate about its own collective reaction. And if you doubt that these Congressional conservators of the public aesthetic were dancing to the Administration’s fiddle, ask yourself this: If John McCain is so offended by the depiction of torture as a successful method of interrogation, why did he sit silently through eight seasons of “24” which was seen by far more Americans than are ever likely to see Bigelow’s opus? And if you think it’s rather odd that United States Senators are holding press conferences to review movies—comes now the CIA!

The Gob, the Gal, and the Git--eat your heart out, Rex Reed!

Yes, next on the agenda we have another, even more noteworthy first—a first-ever film review from the Central Intelligence Agency. Yes, Michael Morrell, unmitigated Obama flak, has been acting (emphasis ours) director of the CIA since that bizarre moment when it evidently occurred to Director Petraeus that having a mistress was immoral, whereupon he hastily resigned his post, apparently lest the CIA be tainted by any hint of impropriety. And that left Michael Morrell in charge , who just sent a letter to every single one of the Agency’s employees, which letter he also made public, stating that “Zero Dark Thirty” “creates the strong impression that the enhanced interrogation techniques that were part of our former detention and interrogation program were key to finding Bin Laden. That impression is false.”

Acting CIA Director Morrell seen here coming up with good reasons he should remain in top intelligence slot!

It is mildly amusing that nobody, from Hollywood to the Senate to the CIA has bothered to say at any point during the Dark-Thirty brouhaha exactly what techniques not involving torture did lead us to Bin Laden—possibly the Agency is loathe to reveal that its actual tips on such matters come from the deft manipulation of divining rods and Ouija boards. But one thing is for sure, with enemies like these, “Zero Dark Thirty” needs friends—so WOOF is here for you, Kathryn Bigelow! We are definitely beginning to admire your independent nature and the fact that you long ago divorced that pinko James Cameron. We are also now convinced unalterably that enhanced interrogation got us the information necessary to track Bin Laden to his lair. Why else would so many egregious gobshites be insisting on the contrary proposition? And we bet that “Zero Dark Thirty” is a really good movie. So good, in fact, that we may even go out and see it at some point. But, really…we’ll probably just wait ‘till it’s on Netflix.

Nobama? In this scene form Zero Dark Thirty, SEALS assault OBL’s compound with their Commander in Chief conspicuous by his absence. You call that film making?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? CHECK OUT THE PRESIDENT’S NEW COIN TRICK!

Suddenly, Americans are seeing the results of Obmanomics hit their pay checks—even though they aren’t “one percenters!” And there is a certain bitterness in the air—the kind of bitterness that naturally ramifies from being torn away from American Idol or Two and a Half Men by a reality check in the check book, and the fading certitude that all financial unpleasantness is somehow, however inexactly, the fault of George Bush. No, Americans are beginning to wake up and smell the borscht. And to a greater and greater extent, they are suspicious that the responsible cook lives in the White House. And as the tax hikes, the coming gun grab, and overt efforts to dispose of the

Of all the Obama miscreants, WOOF will miss Suzanne Barr at ICE–she was at least entertainingly lascivious.

constitution through executive orders become more blatant, these millions of newly attentive Americans will begin to sense that things are decidedly wrong, even if the major media marionettes they turn to for information aren’t mentioning the fact. Adding to the disquiet at this point may be the incremental up-tick in  how many of our heretofore unfocused countrymen are sensible of a kind of creeping immaturity in a government so constructed that the President is a guy who goes on The View and Pimp With a Limp but can’t be bothered to bestir himself to action while his Ambassador to Libya is raped and butchered and his bodyguards gunned down during a six-hour battle—a President who still hasn’t done a single thing about the attack or the murders four months later. Equally attention-worthy: a heartbeat from replacing this man is a guy who belongs in clown shoes and possesses the intelligence quotient of a gnat. A really dumb gnat. The treasury is still being run by a tax cheat, the Justice Department is in the hands of an outspoken racist who sold guns illegally to Mexican drug Lords for reasons he has yet to explicate while ICE was apparently led by a sex-obsessed blond —and the military is okay with Gays and multiculturalism but not so good with avoiding a decline in readiness decried even by Leon Panetta, the President’s man at defense, and has a demonstrated inability to disrupt nuclear arms development in Iran or North Korea while the President’s pick to run the CIA could not even keep his extramarital dalliance a secret– and the Secretary of State tripped and hit her head and got replaced while she was concussed by a guy with a plaque honoring him in Ho Chi Minh City. Meanwhile, things keep getting goofier on Capital Hill even as politics as usual seem to go on like a leisurely game of shuffleboard on the fantail of the plunging Titanic, and Obama’s chief economic advisers seem either to be Castro and Chavez…or just a bunch of Harvard professors who have exactly the same views on fiscal policy as Castro and Chavez.

Peter Sellers takes possession of the all-powerful Q-bomb in 1959’s ‘The Mouse that Roared;” Jean Seberg takes exception.

But this week brought news that was worthy of a Peter Sellers comedy of the “Mouse that Roared” stamp, conjuring vague recollections of the zany stunts self-elected Generalissimos used to pull in unpronounceable banana republics to everyone’s amusement in the late ‘50s. Yes, dear readers, this week was floated the idea that we could escape our current financial straits, recently exacerbated by such caprices as a“stimulus package” that transferred 8 trillion dollars to the public service sector and did nothing for the economy, an onrushing bevy of medical and social “reforms” that will cost five-to-seven times more than predicted, even though the predicted levels are themselves unaffordable, and fresh taxes.  And how will we escape the bite of these self-inflicted financial woes? With a magic talisman. That’s right. Shades of Tom Poston in “Zotz!” (In case you think you might remember Tom Poston but have no idea what “Zotz” was, that’s because “Zotz” was a William Castle film from 1962 that was so stupid, nobody could take it seriously, even as a comedy. In the movie, Poston discovers a magic coin that gives him all sorts of special powers, so that’s two things Castle’s movie has in common with this week’s weirdest news story from Obama Land—a magic coin, and stupid.  If you do remember “Zotz!” then you’ll have a slight conceptual advantage in the following discussion).

Tom Poston paves the way for post-rational economics

Okay, well it’s hard even to get a definite lead on who thought up “The Zotz Alternative” (it wasn’t Robert Ludlum, though) and while many are recommending it as brilliant, few are claiming authorship. To make matters stupider still, it appears that the actual person responsible for the idea of a salvific coin—one magic amulet fashioned of platinum designed to make our troubles disappear– is named Beowulf—or at least so he signs himself on the Firedoglake blogsite where the idea first materialized about a year ago. Beowulf’s genius, or comic genius, perhaps, was to point out some moribund laws from the 1990s that permit the Treasury Department to produce platinum coins whenever it feels so inclined, and apparently in any denomination it wishes. You can tell everyone was snoring when that masterpiece of legislative dopiness got gaveled into law, but nobody foresaw Obamanomics…or maybe a few people did! So, anyway, given this law—the original idea being that Treasury might occasionally wish to market novelty coins– it became apparent, at least to Beowulf, that Treasury could just as easily make itself a one-trillion dollar coin. Presto. Then the gang from Treasury takes

Coin advocate Krugman– among friends

the new, shiny platinum, one-trillion dollar coin, very carefully one imagines, down to the Fed, which we all know is just a communist front-entity disguised as a government building, and it deposits it. Ka-ching! And our utterly bankrupt government is suddenly solvent again! So this brainstorm apparently kicked around the blogosphere along with Bigfoot DNA and “chem trails” for a while, and would still be out there, one assumes, orbiting the planetoid Pluto if grown ups ran anything anymore, but alas, two of the most left wing (and media friendly) economists in the entire country, namely Paul Krugman and Mark Thoma found out about the idea. Krugman you probably know because he’s mouthy and obnoxious and likes to be on TV a lot, and tirelessly insists that President Obama is performing economic miracles everyday that are simply too subtle and ingenious for us to notice—and of course he got the 2008 Nobel Prize for this type of analysis, so you may rest assured he’s dismissible. Thoma hangs out at the University of Oregon, looks for green shoots indicative of recovery every summer, and writes editorials blaming the aftermath of the housing collapse on Ronald Reagan. He has yet to win the Nobel Prize, but we predict he’s a shoe-in when his turn comes. So as if these guys weren’t funny enough, they are now enamored of the one-trillion-dollar coin idea, and seriously advocating that Treasury go ahead and mint the sucker!

Now, you are very possibly sane, dear reader, because you are here, reading this, and that fact recommends you highly as somebody with some practical grey matter—and you therefore may be saying to yourself, “but, wait a minute, how could they possibly find enough platinum to make a one-trillion dollar coin out of? That much would be impossible to lay hands on, and impossible to make a coin out of, unless it was the size of that big tire outside Detroit’s Metropolitan Airport. ” And to that we say, yes, that’s true, you are absolutely correct—but you have committed the error of reckoning without liberal ridiculousness, once again asserting itself in this instance. You see, the coin doesn’t have to contain a trillion dollars worth of platinum. In fact, it doesn’t have to contain very much platinum at all to satisfy the law, and the Treasury can stamp any amount it wants on it—like, say—why not a trillion trillion? Zotz!  

Dedicated NPR reporter demonstrates size of pure platinum coin (photo shows simulation, not authentic coin).

And another point to be made here is that what this coin is really intended to address is not so much the deficit qua the deficit, but the debt ceiling. See, the Republicans forgot to cave on the debt ceiling while they were caving on everything else last week, and the White House forgot to insist on it—so the debt ceiling, which prohibits spending over a previously specified level, must be raised to accommodate Obama’s continued spending on welfare, bailouts of the solar-panel industry, subsidization of Acorn, Planned Parenthood, properly subversive Banks, the Obamas’ serial vacation junkets, PBS, NPR, and the wind power and Tofu industries. So printing the magic coin would simply give the government “a way forward,” or in this case “upward” through the debt ceiling and would bypass Congress. The debt ceiling could more or less “be deemed” to have been raised, spending could continue at its present, insane pace, and the lapdog media could chant incessantly that it was all the result of Republican intransigence. In a fantasy world of lemon-drop trees and big rock-candy mountains, everything would be okay again. No recovery, really, no economy to speak of, no free enterprise, no small business, but continued spending as far as the eye can see–  but this is all too laughably immature to really happen, right?  No American administration would be dumb enough to rub that lamp, right? Wrong again, America! Take Josh Barro over at the Bloomberg View who professed indignation at the skepticism of various Republican legislators. Sure, Barro admitted, the idea of creating a wonder coin is “silly/zany/juvenile,” but he added, “Republican intransigence over the debt ceiling is juvenile. There is no particular reason that the president should not use a juvenile strategy in response.” Welll…actually, Josh, there is—but that’s not important now. Anyway, WOOF is working on securing Barro’s home address so our readers can go over and toilet roll his house and ring his doorbell a lot if the coin idea goes through. It may seem silly, zany, and immature, Josh —but you started it, you big dork!

So what could possibly go wrong with this idea? (The coin idea that is, not toilet rolling Josh’s house.) Why not print up a magic coin that allows spending to continue—and why not print up a bunch of them, or one great big super one, and we can all get millions of dollars from the government and be happy forever?  Well, because in the real world, WOOFketeers, when our nation makes a mockery of its own laws, as well as all the standard rules of economics, it loses credibility. The currency is devalued, our debt is demanded due from abroad, our credit rating (which used to matter to us) goes even further into the toilet, and if subsection 31 USC 5112 (the law in question) can be warped into allowing this phantasmagorical “solution” to our problems, we are collectively living in La-La Land and we can all book tickets for the happy cruise on the Good Ship Lollypop. What conceivable budgetary discussion could ever be conducted again with any air of seriousness or maturity? What conceivable standard of valuation could ever again be plausibly applied to our currency? We would have the opposite of a currency secured by gold—we would have a currency secured by the fantasies of a childish president, his childish economists, and his childish supporters in the Senate, House, and media. Keynesianism on steroids? No, this is Keynesianism on LSD.

John Maynard Keynes–Care for some socialism with your electric kool-aid?

Advocates of the magic coin are all over the Internet insisting that there is no way its creation could conceivably cause inflation. Are they on crack?  Besides the fact that the Fed is not even constitutionally permitted to issue currency, and the fact that such an issuance would shred the separation of powers, the creation of a trillion dollars with no perceptible backing of any substantive nature, whether issued illegally by the Federal Reserve or injudiciously by the Treasury would precurse massive inflation. Manufacturing such a coin, no matter how dissembled semantically, would be equivalent to making money out of thin air, so that the laws of supply and demand would take a decisively violent swing in the excruciatingly obvious direction of

The Ship of State, bound for the big rock candy ice berg?

the debasement of the American dollar. The argument that runaway inflation will not ensue is based on the fact that the magic coin won’t be in circulation—but this is a ridiculous argument. Liberals have spent decades trying to argue against monetarism by pointing out that currency issuance is increasingly pointless as a touchstone for inflation in a credit-based, electronically manipulated economy—so now all of a sudden we’ll be okay with insanely expanded assets if we don’t try to get change for the coin down at the 7/11? Then there is the argument that inflation won’t ensue because the Federal Reserve will offset the impact of the trillion dollar infusion by selling off trillions in Treasury securities it has on hand. Your ten year old, provided you have one, can tell you why that plan is self-defeating. And that’s assuming the Fed elects to do anything at all. The funniest line WOOF has read in the inflation debate is from a FORBES contributor (et tu, Forbes?) who takes comfort in the knowledge that all will be well, “as long as the Fed does its job…”  and if that supposition seems sanguine in the extreme, consider the country’s emotional condition once the idea of “Obama’s stash” no longer belongs to the febrile imaginings of a nutty Detroit welfare lady, but exists in actuality, infinitely expandable, infinitely convenient, infinitely available. NO more paying taxes. No more National Debt. No more working. No more competition for wealth. And if you really want to scare yourself, take a look at the web, fellow patriots, and get a load of how widely, almost uniformly, bloggers, economists, and all the paid and unpaid amplifiers of Liberal opinion are supportive of this magic bullet—and damnatory of those stupid Republicans who won’t do what the President wants!

They may be stupid, but at least they didn’t think this up!

So WOOF, assuming that this insanity may well result in the issuance of the coin, and assuming that Congress, having been robbed of its constitutional role of issuing currency may nevertheless retain its role of determining who goes onto the currency issued, has gotten into the spirit of things and submitted a design for the platinum goose egg that will save us all [at top]. What do you think, fellow WOOFians? What do you think, Congress? C’mon, it exactly captures the spirit of the epoch! Oh, and we can’t close here without telling you something else. Do you know who ramrodded these laws through that are now being massaged into permitting the Great Platinum Bank Deposit? None other than Rep. Mike Castle, (R-Del). Ring a bell? Yes, Castle was the RINO who was resoundingly defeated in the 2010 Republican primary by the magnificently brilliant and beautiful Christine O’Donnell, (WOOF’s nominee for the presidency in 2012) and who would also have defeated her revoltingly inadequate opponent in the general election and saved us from all this by now, if only there weren’t so many stupid voters in Delaware! But what do you expect from a state that proudly sent Joe Biden to the Senate term after term? But we digress. Get ready for the Obama Bank Job, America! It may not be long now, and we’ll all be cashing in for keeps!

O’Donnell beat Castle but lost to Coons (the bald creep on the right) in the general election–a dark day for the Republic, not to mention aesthetics!

SLOUCHING TOWARD WASHINGTON? WHO IS CHUCK HAGEL AND WHY CAN’T WE MAKE OURSELVES LIKE HIM?

What do you do with a problem like Chuck?

Who is Chuck Hagel, and why are people saying these awful things about him? He’s not a bad guy by all appearances, with a solid war record in Vietnam resulting in several decorations, two of which are purple hearts that he won without hitting himself with ricochets, a la John Kerry—and hey, Kerry’s going to be Secretary of State, for gosh sakes. Compared to the Ketchup Gigolo from Massachusetts, Hagel looks like Tony by-God Herbert! So why all the sudden cries of opposition to this squishily moderate, moderately intelligent and entirely pleasant chap from Nebraska—home of Henry Fonda, Dick Cavett, Fred Astaire, and all sorts of other inoffensive, pleasant folks?  We don’t really get it! A country that could accept putting Elena Kagan on the Supreme Court and seemed just fine placing Tim Geithner at Treasury, and still doesn’t seem to mind leaving Eric Holder to run amok at Justice, should have the hippy-hippy-shakes over the handsome Nebraskan with real-deal combat “cred” and membership in the Republican party? Did everyone suddenly get a case of the meanies?  After all, one might expect the execrable Barney Frank to have kittens over anyone to the right of Perez Hilton getting Obama’s nod, and of course a stalwart or two on the right will be offended by Hagel’s classically centrist naiveté, but what’s with the rest of the troops? Well, in fairness, it seems that Chuck has found time to offend almost every special interest imaginable in some way or another, albeit in a pleasant kind of understated Nebraskan way. Let’s review the doo-doo buckets he’s managed to place his Guccis in over the past decade or so, and to such an extent that all sorts of people on the left despise him as well as Conservatives and even and all sorts of middle-of-the-road Republicans for whom strong emotions are typically foresworn as rather unsportsmanlike.

Now first we have Hagel’s entirely moderate, entirely sensible, University-brand denunciations of the trade embargo against Cuba. Why, after all, should we continue those old hostilities when common sense recommends reading Fidel into the club and treating him to a few perks? He’s widely admired on the Left, and heck, Ted Turner worships

Never at a loss for Yankee supporters!

the guy—and all those Hollywood people like him, why not see Fidel as just another victim of Nixon and HUAC? We could bring him a cargo lift of Omaha Steaks and a few cases of Dorothy Lynch salad dressings, and that bald parrot guy who recorded that one good song once–Jimmy Buffet, that’s his name, right? He’s a big Castro and Obama fan—he could go over on the plane and sing about freedom, and fail to see the irony! See, there’s just nothing very shocking about this attitude—why almost all Nebraskans probably feel this way about Cuba—and most Rockefeller-wing republicans—the ones we now call “Country Club,” would be okay with it. So why can’t Chuck want to hug Fidel, too? Well, that hot headed young Marco Rubio, the somewhat conservative Senator from Florida, has let it be known he’ll resist Hagel’s nomination for DefSec unless Chuck reverses his position on the U.S. trade embargo. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn! And we here at WOOF? Well, we wouldn’t personally endorse any Secretary of Defense who didn’t want to toss Fidel Castro naked into one of the dungeons he keeps all those Gay Cubans in—but that’s just us, and we’re known to be extreme.

Oh, and hey—speaking of Gays—they all seem to have a real problem with Chuck too, and we don’t just mean Barney Frank. The beef seems to stem from his fifteen-year-old assertion that James Hormel should be dropped from consideration as ambassador to Luxembourg because, Hagel said, he was “openly, aggressively gay.” To homosexuals who feel slighted by Chuck’s apparent reluctance to send a flamer into the diplomatic venues of Ruritania, WOOF says, chill! Good grief, it was only a few months ago that President Obama wouldn’t accept

Barney Frank is horrified–but is this sufficient cause to back a Hagel cabinet position?

the idea of Gay marriage, but he spent 24 hours evolving once the Gay vote seemed crucial to the survival of the Regime, and now he’s all for it—and who doesn’t admire a man who can transform himself spiritually with such sublime ease and philosophical dexterity? So why not assume Chuck will do likewise? He has already apologized for his remarks, and if his apology seemed raspy and generic, it may only be that he has not yet learned the correct technique of evolving. As soon as he comes to the necessarily de rigueur insights—you know, about evolving, and all—he’ll be every bit as acceptable to the LGBT community as our Beloved Helmsman, the man Newsweek Magazine (shortly before its long-overdue death) saw fit to apotheosize as our “first Gay president!” (Evidently Tina Brown didn’t know about James Buchanan, but that’s not important now).

And of course, as moderate Republicans will, Chuck tends to say unfortunately goofy, Network-worthy, University-issue type stuff—why, he even endorsed Barack Hussein Obama for the Presidency—but so did a lot of Republicans. But it rankles some,

Lindsey Graham–feeling feisty at the end of the day?

such as Senator Dan Coats (R-Indiana) who was heard to exclaim, “We watched Chuck take positions that are, frankly, many of them…to the left of Barack Obama.”  But that is a ridiculous charge prima faci, isn’t it? The man cannot do the impossible, can he? And dear old Lindsey Graham who sometimes takes time away from worrying about the invidious influence of Rush Limbaugh and Laura Ingraham long enough to squeak like a conservative, told FOX News’s Chris Wallace that “At the end of the day, there will be very few votes [for a Hagel nomination].” But that’s just Lindsey talking, and this is a man who, at the end of the day, still thinks he can get some lexical juice out of the phrase “at the end of the day,” and who, at the end of the day, always turns out to be wrong about what the day would bring—so why not just go ahead and accept the Hagelian Inevitability?

Okay, so we were really going to come out in opposition to Chuck Hagel here at WOOF, because we just can’t stand it when American politicians see centrist smarminess as obliging them somehow to excoriate the Jewish State and make goo-goo eyes at the homicidal terrorist sects of the Middle east—but then we thought—wait! Let’s be open-minded about this—you know, open-minded in a kind of Allan Bloom sort of way, that is, and let’s look at a some intelligent discussion on the left—maybe something about this whole Jewish issue –and let’s see what a scholarly, judicious review of the facts by a highly qualified scholar of the Left—maybe one who also speaks for a large portion of the Jewish intelligentsia both here and abroad, has to say about all this. And to paraphrase Tom Laughlin in Billy Jack, we tried, dear readers, we really tried!  But our efforts took us ultimately to the Daily Beast and an article by exactly the kind of writer we were in search of—and we were right back to Joe McCarthy and HUAC—can you believe that? And they say there’s no God.

Look, Chuck Hagel is going to be President Obama’s nomination for Secretary of Defense, and he’ll get the job if he wants it, because there aren’t enough rational Republicans in either house to deny The Great Helmsman his druthers in this matter (short of his picking Emily“Yolanda” Harris, maybe—no, she might get it too). And although WOOF has consistently advocated Ted Nugent for the DefSec position, we were almost willing to go along with Hagel. But what really changed our minds was reading the afore-mentioned Daily Beast column by Dr. Bernard Avishai. We don’t pretend to be able to keep up with Dr. Avishai intellectually. How do you keep up with the dianoetic output

“Yolanda” Harris could probably get a cabinet post these days–at least she’s sincere!

of a man who can write the sentence, “We knew for whom an unfair, impatient, insane America would not ‘be good for.’” Admit it, you’re lost too, right? But Bernard Avishai seems like an okay guy to us, albeit way to our Left—and who isn’t? He’s an important fixture at places like Duke and MIT, and International Director of a whole bunch of firms we don’t even know the acronyms for, and technology editor of the Harvard Business Review. Besides Harvard, he is also associated with numerous additional far-left groups and enterpises like The New Yorker, The New York Times Review of Books, Harper’s and a variety of other subversive publications, so when he dashed off a column for the Daily Beast, we tried to get some intellectual ballast out of it—we tried to find the common ground—to reach across the aisle—but all we learned was that Dr. Avishai thought Joe McCarthy was scary and bad, and he was proud that the American Jewish intellectual community, which was good in those days, resisted him. Warming to this remembrance, Avishai writes, “speaking of McCarthyism—the first thick book I read [he was very little, in his defense] was Louis Nizer’s My Life in Court, which was largely about the libel case of Quentin Reynolds against Westbrook Pegler, the impresario of the scurrilous Red Channels.” Right there we were lost again! Did Joe McCarthy secretly morph into Westbrook Pegler and once having done so, secretly publish the infamous pamphlet Red Channels? This is a particularly weird assertion, not only because Joe never actually impersonated Westbrook Pegler, whom he barely knew, but also because Westbrook Pegler didn’t publish Red Channels—it being mainly assembled by FBI agent Ted C. Kirkpatrick under the incautious oversight of Vincent Hartnett, who was in fact sued by John Henry Faulke, not by Quentin Reynolds. For the record, Reynolds sued Pegler for libel because Pegler called him a coward, not a communist. We think that some Straussian-style formulaic re-understanding of history is probably taught at the University of Toronto where Avishai got his doctorate; the kind of codified subtext in which nobody is really who it seems when it seems they should be, while they are often hinted to have interacted with those whom they never met nor were, but whom they might have met or even become had they been who they previously were not—maybe.

Dr. Avishai–some kind of Straussian code?

Naturally, Dr. Avishai lionizes certain defenders of liberty and the political center against the barbarous incursions of the McCarthyites. He offers us the names of a few of these valiant defenders. He mentions Arthur Miller, whose 1953 play, “The Crucible,” was a transparent slap at the House Un-American Activities Committee before which Miller had appeared as an invited guest, and we are reminded about brave little I.F. Stone who faced the forces of reaction like a mid-century David taunting the titans of militarism and paranoia.There was also, Avishai refelcts, Commentary Magazine, “before Norman Podhoretz lost his mind.”  Umm—okay—so we have here a salute to Arthur Miller, known communist, I.F. Stone,

Brave little Izzy–but we’ll always think of him as just good old ‘Pancake.’

known communist, and Norman Podhoretz who became a leading light of NeoConservatism and is therefore written off as insane?  Crypto-communists, it seems, are rational and brave, whereas neocons are nuts—and finally, Podhoretz is portrayed as having gone so utterly bonkers he seems to have taken the whole of Jewish intellectualism with him over to the dark side, because, as Avishai reveals, “…certain major Jewish organizations [he names the ADL, AIPAC, American Jewish Committee, Republican Jewish Coalition]—“are among the most consistent purveyors of McCarthyite-style outrages in America today.”  See, we thought when Arthur Miller didn’t tell HUAC that he wrote under a pseudonym for the Daily Worker and was a lifelong communist sympathizer, that was a “McCarthyite outrage”—or when I.F. Stone presented himself as feisty, free-thinking little “Izzy” just trying to “speak truth to power,” without mentioning that the commies had him on salary and his Russian intelligence codename was “Pancake.”  But then, who would want to admit that? Maybe you would tell somebody like Dick Cavett, “Yeah, Dick, in truth I’m a clandestine Soviet-style communist agent of influence– been one since the ‘30s in fact!” [but] “And back in Moscow they call me ‘pancake”? Nah—that’s asking a lot.

Arthur Miller and bride–living the daily horror of being a HUAC target!

So let us get this straight, okay Dr. Avishai! According to you, we need to have Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense because a lot of Jewish groups that you are no longer proud of don’t like him, and if they keep him from becoming Secretary of Defense, that’s a victory for McCarthyism. And this might happen because Jewish Americans formed a big conga line in the ‘70s and followed Norman Podhoretz (who lost his mind) to the partial right of the political landscape? And these Jewish intellectuals are the purveyors of McCarthyism today?  And the American Israel Public Affairs Committee is now somehow a McCarthyite cabal, because as you write, sir, “Congresspeople will tell you openly that AIPAC has become one of the most feared, and secretly loathed, presences on Capitol Hill.” (And say, if they’re secretly feared, why do these congress—uh—people, tell us about it “openly?”) And another weird thing, Dr. Avishai—did you notice that you never got around to telling us why we should actually like Chuck Hagel?  In fact you say you “won’t presume to go through the credentials that make Chuck Hagel fit for appointment as Defense Secretary…”

Transmogrified into Pegler? Say it ain’t so, Joe!

So darn it, our best efforts just led us right back to where we wound up after we began—(look, now he has us doing it!) You’ve almost single handedly persuaded us to oppose Chuck Hagel’s appointment as Secretary of Defense, Dr. Avishai—not that it’ll matter! It’s a mean season for us poor McCarthyites, Bernard. (By the way, may we call you Bernard?)  You might send a kind thought our way now and then. You might try a little bourbon and sympathy. Because the day hasn’t dawned that Lindsey Graham’s tapioca-like resistance can stave off the media-driven destructiveness of Barrack Obama –and thus Chuck Hagel at Defense bestirs the same atmospheric inevitability as flu season in this most hyperborean hour of the American winter. But we don’t care if it’s pointless, dear readers—heck, WOOF has never minded being pointless! WE hereby state our opposition to the appointment of Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense—why? Because Joe McCarthy and all those extreme pro-Israeli groups are the only thing between us and Louis Nizer and Arthur Miller…okay, we’re lost again, gentle readers. Just tell your congress “people” out there that you don’t want Chuck Hagel for DefSec—and just to be on the safe side, mention that Emily Harris is out, too!

Westbrook, if you weren’t dead, this stuff’d kill you, right?

DOODLES, DIGITS, AND DOWNLOADS: THE THREAT ENLARGES!

Violence in Chicago reaches unprecedented proportions despite anti-gun laws

ILLINOIS’ VALIANT STRUGGLE

Chicago has the highest murder rate in town, so to speak; it beat Detroit (the former champ), Washington DC, and New York in 2012 with over 500 killings.  And only today the  windy city hosted its fifth murder of the new year—a beloved muffler shop owner who was shot in the back by robbers posing as customers (no arrests so far, by the way) meaning Chicago is already moving ahead of the one-murder-per-day mark in 2013. This is dumbfounding considering that the entire state of Illinois is a positive paradise of anti-gun sentiment and gun-ban legislation. You can not legally carry a gun in Illinois, concealed or unconcealed, and if you have a license from another state, forget it—Illinois isn’t

Chicago tops 500 murders in 2012, rushes to make guns even more illegal!

allowing you to walk around armed! If you wish to transport a firearm you must carry it unloaded in an appropriate case, and to even possess a gun or even ammunition for a gun in one’s home is prohibited unless one has applied for and been granted a “Firearms Owners Identification Card” from the state police. For some reason that continues to baffle the Chicago police, the Chicago town council, Rahm Emanuel, and the

Illinois legislature, the citizens of Chicago seem to be gunning one another down despite all these common sense precautions. And don’t think the citizenry isn’t alert and cooperative in the effort to end gun violence. Take the city of Bellevue, Illinois, where some police detectives attempted to have a meal at a Denny’s restaurant on New Years day while carrying their concealed service pistols. An alert manager spotted the problem and marched right up to tell a lady detective (who identified herself with her badge) that she could either take her gun out to her car

Female cop terrorizes Denny’s diners; alert manager cuts her spree short!

and leave it there, or eat someplace else. Police Captain Dan Sax, rather than congratulating the quick-witted Denny’s manager on his gutsy call, made a statement in which he declared himself “very disappointed by the lack of respect shown to on-duty sworn police officers.” Jeesh, what a fascist. And with people like Sax and his renegade bands of police detectives playing cowboy at the expense of Denny’s diners who wish only to degust their Moons Over My Hammy without the disquietude of glimpsing armed police units in their beloved eatery, it becomes blatantly obvious that more legislation is needed—and needed fast!

Need we say it? Yes, enlightened Liberals in the Illinois legislature have responded to this need, launching additional proposals aimed at banning the possession of, delivery, sale and/or transfer of semiautomatic handguns and rifles. The state Senate added more measures to this that would ban high capacity magazines. Things are going so well in the area of proposing anti-gun legislation that a main concern is checking to be certain that proposed legislation doesn’t redundantly ban or criminalize guns or gun-owning or gun-transporting behaviors that have already been proscribed by prior legislation! But all is not sweetness and light in the anti-gun state of Illinois—just ask Governor Pat Quinn, whose December 3^rd efforts to get retrospectively confiscatory anti-gun language through the  Illinois House of Representatives were slapped down by a two-thirds majority vote around the same time the state Senate overrode his veto on a similar issue. One of the horrible ramifications of this mindless and possibly-NRA sponsored legislative resistance to Governor Quinn’s enlightened policies is that Illinois Firearm Identification Cardholders will continue to have the right to mail order ammunition from retailers elsewhere in Illinois. The horror; the horror.

Standing tall against soaring murder rate, Big Pat Quinn shows what he’d do to the NRA if he allowed himself to own guns!

But while Fightin’ Pat Quinn continues the battle to save babies from high-capacity magazines (his language, not ours) all the while remaining steadfastly committed, we might add, to abortion on demand, he can take comfort in knowing he is not the only one out there fighting the forces of Big Gunnery! That’s right Governor Quinn—others are standing with you around the nation, and they are on the move! Only a couple of days ago we reported on the obviation of a potential assault in New Jersey when alert school authorities specially trained to intercept would-be killers in the classrooms noticed a boy sketching a flaming hand in his school notebook “or possibly some type of weapon,” and that boy is in jail now, and you can bet he can’t buy art supplies in the commissary! And Governor Quinn, that’s not all! Even in gun-crazy Mesa, Arizona, a kid was suspended a while ago for sketching a gun during class, because the School District wouldn’t play ball with those First and Second Amendment crazies who attempted to intercede in the little monster’s behalf!

It starts out innocently enough–but once those genes are out of the bottle…

Not that every potential psycho has an artistic gift—some must resort to cruder expressions of burgeoning sociopathy. Early this year, a 7-year-old in Oklahoma City student gave away his homicidal fixation by pointing his index finger as though it were a death-dealing semi-automatic handgun—possibly a Glock, or a Saturday Night Special of some type, and aiming at a wall! Alert, trained educators spotted this and suspended the child forthrightly. They had seen this sort of thing before! Ever since enlightened zero-tolerance policies have been enacted in schools to vouchsafe the well being of all within their walls—students and staff alike—have school authorities been

A national psyche this twisted may take decades to fix with anti-gun legislation!

able to interdict potential mass slayings with the kind of preemptive action such cases demand! Yes, all across this gun-crazed nation, public school faculties are cracking down! Kids are getting suspended or expelled, or in some cases even arrested, for everything from drawing stick figures with little stick guns to wearing pro-military paraphernalia—and all that that implies!  Take heart, Pat Quinn! Last December, Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch –a clear thinking liberal like yourself, Governor Quinn–organized an annual smashing festival of toy guns to which progressive parents brought their children so that the kids could repent of their dark proclivities and destroy their toy guns en mass, whereupon the misguided tykes received harmless, non-violent toys such as puzzles, Gay Teletubbie dolls, or Chevy Volts, in exchange. Hawaii’s left-wing legislature strove mightily to ban the sale of toy guns to anyone under 18, and although they were ultimately thwarted by the corporately-allied, ultra-wealthy toy gun lobby, they came close! And as a result, many of those legislators feel good about themselves, Governor Quinn—and so should you, sir! We understand that increasing numbers of your constituents have taken to calling you “Clueless” Pat of late, but that’s juts the right-wing smear machine, Governor! We know you’re a bigger guy than that!

Consider! Only months ago a 13-year-old boy at Chandler’s Payne Junior High School in Arizona attempted to dissemble his fiendish intentions by doodling a picture of a laser-beam space pistol instead of a typical handgun. Even five years ago he might have gotten away with it, but not this time! Chandler school officials took a gimlet look at the incident, declared it a “gun threat” and suspended the boy.

Nip it in the bud, Chandler School faculty! Today’s phaser is tomorrow’s Bushmaster!

Consider! The above mentioned suspension followed an earlier incident in which Gilbert AZ police rushed to Payne Junior High when a rumor circulated that a 12-year old girl had a gun! No gun was found nor determined to exist (as is often the modus operandi with these sneakier types) but you can be sure that that girl returned home with a stiff warning letter for her paleo-facist parents!

Consider! The Daily Caller reports on Thursday, Jan. 3, 2013, that a six-year-old student at Roscoe R. Nix Elementary School in Silver Spring, Maryland made “the universal gesture of a gun” with his thumb and forefinger. As if this were not sufficiently barbaric to quell his bloodlust, he next pointed his finger at one of his little friends on the playground and was clearly heard to enunciate the onomatopoeic syllable, “Pow!” The horror; the horror.

AND AS IF THIS WEREN’T AWFUL ENOUGH!

As horrifying as all the above information seems, there is a larger, more insidious threat descending upon this trigger happy nation—a phenomenon of such subtly menacing scope and dark portent as to defy belief, but it is true, dear readers—all true! And we will frankly admit that we would have scoffed at this latest information, if it weren’t for the fact that Rep. Steven Israel, (D-NY) made the whole threat very, very real when he introduced legislation to ban it in the bud! And what are we talking about here? Nothing less that computer downloadable guns, ladies and gentlemen! That’s right! Your children may be printing out guns for themselves even as you read this! Take a close look at what’s coming out of their printers, dear readers—is it a Wikipedia entry on the formation of crystals, a certificate of achievement from the good folks at Recycle America, or a semi-automatic assault weapon with a large-capacity magazine?  Hmmm?

Representative Israel shows how he’d take care of printable guns if he knew how to download one!

Listen, Steve Israel is nobody’s fool, America! This is the man who pointed out that Democrats in the House of Representatives are there to provide “adult supervision” for their Republican colleagues—and Steve should know! Adult enough? Heck, he managed to swap his support for the 2008 TARP relief to criminally mismanaged banks for a bailout of his own Dix Hills home in Long Island—and that’s some good old Yankee horse trading! Of the adult variety! So when Steven says we need to stop people from printing out assault weapons on their computers, believe us, he is not smiling!

Still a few bugs to work out!

That’s right, a high-tech consortium calling itself Defense Distributed, claims to have developed a system for producing downloadable weapons  that can be produced using the latest-generation printers. Apparently the new printers can  mold plastics and other materials to create objects with moving parts. And assault weapons are well known to contain moving parts, readers! University of Texas law student Cody Wilson, the project’s 24-year-old CEO, says the group already printed out and test fired an AR-15 rifle. Think this is a joke? The gun was fired six times before it blew up. And say, aren’t most crazed gunmen suicidal anyway? Why it just might be that downloadable exploding AR-15s are just what they want!

See? You can print out parts for an AR-15 and you can even choose your colors!

Though no independent observer was present at the test firing, would the guys who run the company lie to us? A short video clip seems to show the printed gun firing and breaking—and you can find it on YouTube. When contacted by WOOF, Federal firearms regulators said they had heard about the potential manufacture of such experimental guns but insisted that they do not believe an entire weapon has actually been created. Oh yeah? Tell that to Steve Israel! He’s a lot less naive than those Federal agents, and as he put it, “What’s chilling is that last month a group of kids used a 3-D printer to actually manufacture an AR-15 and fire six bullets,” (regular readers are already aware that Liberals call rounds “bullets”) Steve continued, “a gun made by a 3-D printer seems like a Star Trek episode, but now we know it’s real.” And don’t believe otherwise, America! Apparently this nut case Wilson, the brains behind the print-a-gun project is not going to quit until anyone who wants one can print out and own his own plastic, exploding gun. And Wilson says they have them in blue and red, too. Or maybe he said green and yellow—we should’ve written it down–anyway, Wilson is steadfast in his resolve to manufacture plans for guns that we can print with our computers, and he doesn’t seem too upset that Rep.Israel called him and his business partners “kids,” either. While many gun experts with whom WOOF consulted are skeptical of the ability of your kids to manufacture an armory in their bedrooms overnight, the fact remains that these special printers are becoming cheaper to obtain, and the ability to make a gun that shoots several times before blowing up may soon be in the hands of our children! The plastic printers were never meant to be instruments of destruction, one technological savvy informant told WOOF—they were meant to print our spare hobby parts, or Legos.

WOOF has attempted to contact Representative Israel in an effort to learn what level of threat the New York Democrat attaches to the development of Lego assault weapons, but has not heard back from his office as of this printing!

Elizabeth Taylor may have played innocently enough with a squirt gun on the set of “Giant,” but those were different times!

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               Name confusion may have swung GOP primary to moderate! 

Low-information primary voting in ’08 may have resulted in accidental nomination of Arizona Senator!

WOOF ALERT: It has come to our attention that the “low information voter” as both parties now call voters who voted for parties other than the party applying the label, may have led the GOP to destruction in the election of 2008. After extensive survey research and tireless investigations of the matter (many of which remain ongoing as of this writing), it appears that a strikingly large percentage of Republican primary voters in that election year, and perhaps a majority, went to the polls believing they were voting for John McClane to become the party’s nominee, whereas for reasons otherwise deemed utterly inexplicable, the Republican nominee for the presidency was in fact John McCain, a moderate Senator from Arizona who will be remembered mainly for being Sarah Palin’s running mate. Given the obvious tendency to confuse the names, and the fact that McClane is a widely loved and admired hero of action motion pictures, taken in combination with the fact that WOOF’s investigation indicates he enjoys far great name recognition (especially among independents) than does former POW and Navy pilot McCain, it may very well be the case that most Americans who appeared to support McCain’s nomination in the ’08 primaries were under the mistaken impression that they were voting for McClane. “By the time it comes down to  the national election, voters are beginning to pay attention,” strategist Robert Bletchley told WOOF, “but in those early days, it may very well be that the nomination should have gone to the fictitious hero of the Die-Hard movies!” Bletchley went on to explain that a better informed electorate in November’s general election realized the error and either stayed home or voted for Alan Keyes. It may not matter much. Constitutional scholars have gone on record telling WOOF that McClane could not have been officially nominated by the Republican party in 2008 or any other presidential year because, although he was clearly born in the United States,  he doesn’t really exist. However, this need not debar congress from launching an inquiry into whether the entire process should be revisited, now that these facts have come to light.

Still wondering what gives with the zero vote count!

In this vein, WOOF wishes to assure the many readers who have inquired that it is pressing ahead with its efforts to discover whether voter fraud played a major role in the fact that our own candidate for the presidency in 2012, Christine O’Donnell, did not receive a single recorded vote. Asked for his views in this matter, strategist and campaign expert Robert Bletchley told us, “It seems odd to an extent that defies believability that she didn’t get a single vote. I know I voted for her. And while it may be premature to suggest she’d have won the election if no tampering had occurred, it certainly seems reasonable that she would have made a far better showing!”  Exactly! And that’s why WOOF is pressing fearlessly ahead with its investigation into this matter, as well as releasing a survey to all major media pundits and political experts inviting their views. We will get to the bottom of the O’Donnell enigma, fellow patriots, and when we get there, you know we’ll describe it in detail!

____________________________________________________________

FIRST ANNUAL BOX-OF-ROCKS AWARD FOR OBAMA-ERA JOURNALISM

We are pleased to announce that by unanimous vote, we troglodytes here in the WOOF cavern have elected to award the first ever annual Box-of-Rocks Award for exceptionally imbecilic journalism to the hardworking publisher, editors, and reporters of the Journal News, a daily paper serving the New York suburbs in Westchester, Rockland and Putnam Counties. To be eligible for the coveted Box-of-Rocks award, journalists must evince levels of left-wing sanctimony, snarkiness, and slack-wittedness far in excess, even, of the normative standards acceptable in the realm of current left-wing journalism, and preferably invoke the law of unintended consequences by engaging in journalistic crusades of unrivaled injudiciousness producing no discernible benefit to any honest citizen, while amassing liberal cocktail-party “cred” for the authors.

While many news stories of recent vintage competed gamely for the award, the Journal-News team won it hands down through their decision to publish the name and home address of every legal gun owner registered in Westchester and Rockland Counties together with a map depicting with pin-point accuracy who were the licensed pistol owners in the paper’s service area. Career criminals were quick to bestow their thanks on the Journal-News for making it unmistakably clear which citizens were most probably unarmed and therefore most vulnerable to robbery, while at the same time depicting which citizens probably own pistols and exactly where they live in case the criminals opt to burgle some handguns for instant resale on the street. Reformed criminals have been unanimous in their condemnation of the Journal-News’s action as “insane” and “exceptionally stupid!” And that’s exactly what WOOF was looking for in the bestowal this first “Boxie” award. And then there was Frank Abagnale, the international criminal portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio in the 2002 Speilberg film, “Catch Me If You Can,” who denounced the newspaper’s actions as “reprehensible” …but we didn’t count that. Reprehensibility is not one of the qualifiers for the “Boxie.”

The Journal News map–planning a getaway?

Anyhow, congratulations to the staff, editors, and publishers of the Journal News! And by the way, about that publishers? Yeah, they’re a Gannett newspaper, readers—so if you live in the affected areas and you get robbed, don’t think you can’t get your money back! You know, Gannett being the biggest single newspaper publisher in the whole country…you know, USA Today—stuff like that? SO they have a lot of money—like, you wouldn’t have to think, “oh it’s just a little local screed sheet run on a shoestring,” see, because there are actually some really big bucks behind this paper–you know—just in case you get robbed, hurt, humiliated, or deprived of property or anything in any of the areas they have on their map. Say, you probably wouldn’t even have to get robbed to  feel breach of peace, pain, suffering, or emotional distress–the kind of stuff some psychologist could maybe talk about in court– Just sayin’ they’re a bunch of one-percenters at Gannett, they don’t need the money—not as much as you do.

By the way: Those wishing to congratulate the Journal News on their achievement should contact: The Journal News at 113 Westchester Ave., Suite N110. White Plains, NY 10604 or call the paper at (914) 694-9300

Or talk to the publisher, Janet Hasson at her home number: (914) 694-5204

Publisher Hasson–a disarming smile?

BUT GOODBYE TO ALL THAT! WOOF RECALLS THE MOST POINTLESS MEDIA FRENZIES OF 2012!

Remembering the GREATEST MEDIA  NON-STORIES  of 2012:

WOOF just can’t say good bye to 2012 without recalling to mind the biggest media-hyped non-events or wrongly reported fiascoes of the year! We arbitrarily decided to discuss 8 of them, because we had to stop someplace, right?

The infamous film maker is led off to political prison!

FRENZY ONE: WOOF’s man of the year for 2012 is a no-brainer—the choice of the man who sent the media, the Obama administration, the United Nations and the concerned peoples of the globe into the greatest frenzy is definitely Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, the 55-year-old ex-con and part-time filmmaker who managed to get a small bit of leader from an anti-Islamic film that nobody has seen even now, up on the Internet and was blamed for the meticulously-planned rocket and mortar attacks conducted by Al

Charles Woods–father of SEAL killed during the Benghazi battle could barely catch a break from the media–maybe if he was as sexy as Cindy Sheehan?

Qaeda against the American consulate in Benghazi and the embassy in Egypt, (initially described as flash mobs by the Administration), riots across the Middle East, and Bird Flu. The father of Tyrone Woods, one of the Navy SEALS killed in the consulate assault, was actually assured by Hillary Clinton,  “We’re going to have that person arrested and prosecuted that did that video.” And Hillary was as good as her word! Nakoula, who was originally said to be an Israeli millionaire named  Sam Bacile, who, it transpires, never existed, was hauled into a Los Angeles federal court where Judge Suzanne H. Segal cited a “lengthy pattern of deception,” which included the virtually unprecedented enormity of “ lying to parole officials.” On November 7, 2012, Nakoula pled guilty to four of five minor, non-violent charges and was sentenced to one year in prison and four years of supervised release because, as Segal firmly asserted,” The court has a lack of trust in the defendant at this time.” Well, there you go! The court also deemed the defendant a flight risk, although why anybody would care remains mysterious.

Nakoula is apparently an Egyptian Coptic Christian who went broke running a gas station, attempted to manufacture meth but was busted before he could fully break bad, and amassed a handful of additional two-bit criminal convictions and a history of using aliases. The only part of his “movie” that anyone seems to have spotted are some trailers he put on the net, and which apparently remain on the net to no one’s evident consternation, because YouTube says they do not violate its standards. Although an actual movie appears to have been financed by a Christian Charity in Los Angeles, where it was also allegedly filmed, nobody seems to have actually screened  “Innocence of Muslims,” much of which was evidently cobbled together from a film initially entitled “Desert Warrior.” The anti-Muslim references and any discussion of the Prophet seem to have been dubbed in subsequently, and many actors, including Actress Cindy Lee Garcia, are suing, claiming they were deceived. One wonders if there was even film in the cameras?

Actress Cindy Lee Garcia seems to be having a WTF moment during the shooting of whatever film she was really in– and even she isn’t sure at this point!

So nice going, Nakoula Nakoula, or Mark Basseley Youseff as you now claim to be named—you made international headlines for doing absolutely nothing that anybody can accurately specify except providing a handy CYA ploy for President Obama, who, for reasons that remain unexplained, preferred to watch his ambassador to Libya and the ambassador’s valiant defenders being slaughtered on his situation-room TV to giving a “shoot” order to a circling AC-130, or sending in the handily available CIA or Marine “Corpse.”

SO…for making the monolithic Obama-obedient media and the administration they serve look like utter nincompoops for at least two weeks, while Ambassador Susan Rice

Ambassador Rice tries her hardest to remember who told her it was all because of Nakoula’s movie–but it just isn’t coming to her…think, Susan, think!

blamed him incessantly for the crisis, the battle, and all discontent in the region, and while Secretary of State Clinton vowed vengeance against him, and while President Obama actually made a speech to the UN fingering him as the culprit, and while Al Qaeda presumably laughed its butt off at us, WOOF names Nakoula Nakoula its man of the year…whatever his actual name may be. We will continue to follow his career moves and are currently checking out the rumor that his next film will be entitled “Buddha, You Fat Dork, You Ain’t all That Either!”

FRENZY TWO: Jim Avila, ABC’s consumer crusader, went to war against “Pink Slime” and put 2,000 consumers (who happened to have jobs processing beef products) out of work while costing an estimated half a billion dollars in economic damage and nearly

In 1968, Robert Horton (left) saved earth from “The Green Slime,” but he let us down in 2012!

bankrupting at least two companies who were caught in the act attempting to make hamburgers healthier. Beef Products Inc. is suing ABC for over a million dollars for reporting that ridiculed its popular additive as “pink slime.” Actually, “pink slime” is a media invention, possibly commemorating a ridiculous science-fiction film from the late ’60s, and loosely associated with a process of divesting beef of its excessive fats rendering it 94 to 97 percent lean with a nutritional value comparable to 90 percent lean ground beef. The resultant product is treated with ammonia or citric acid (vitamin C) and flash frozen into cubes that can be used as extenders to increase the girth and nutritional content of your next cheeseburger. “Pink Slime,” in other words, is high in protein, very low in fat, contains iron, zinc and B vitamins, and does NOT contain cow intestines or connective tissue such as tendons, unless those evil corporate types at BPI Inc. are lying to us, in which case we have our hokey, brain-dead, dumb-as-rocks Vendetta masks at the ready!

Most despicably of all, villainous Pink Slime producers may have exported this vile stuff to starving West Africans!

FRENZY THREE: Speaking of which, The OCCUPY movement is remarkable for having earned praise and awe from the Obama-obedient media, and from liberal politicians and social commentators generally, while standing for absolutely nothing discernible  and causing incalculable amounts of damage and thugery wherever it assembled its ragged, tweet-responsive  legions. The “movement” was described in hilariously vacuous terms by all who lauded it. The reliably silly Cornel West hailed it as a “democratic awakening,” whatever that means, while the movement described itself as opposing social and economic inequality—which is the same as to say it opposes

Occupiers in the act of occupying– if they’re 99% and the Hells Angels are the 1% –then who are we again?

reality. Led by paunchy, balding ex-hippies with silver pony-tails proudly a-flutter, the OCCUPIERS consisted mainly of unemployed rabble and bored college brats who called themselves “the 99%” and rioted, inflicted property damage, raped and mugged one another, set fire to cars, ransacked buildings, and produced at least one substantive bomb plot while racking up 8,000 arrests of its peace-loving members. President Obama spoke in support of the movement, as did Nancy Pelosi and Elizabeth Warren, the Cherokee Princess recently elected to the Senate in Massachusetts. Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei praised the Occupiers, as did Red China, and North Korea. Joe Biden said the movement was “a lot like the Tea Party,” and Rep. Peter

We were going to market these, but some guy named Sonny Barger threatened to sue us!

Welch of Vermont agreed with him. Welch elaborated, however, attaining dizzying heights of sociopolitical perspicacity when he boldly asserted that,“My strong sense is people who are doing this occupying want their voices to be heard.” Who says Vermont went brain dead in the ‘70s? But the OCCUPY movement, despite the 100% enthusiastic backing of the media propagandists, fell victim to its own insipidity and became a titanic, smelly, litter producing Albatross around the necks of the liberals who tried to love it. Asked what they supported, most Occupiers shouted “socialism!” and asked what they opposed, most occupiers shouted “government!” (Yes, and corporations, of course, we can’t have those things slowing down progress!) Let the epitaph for this flash mob on steroids be spoken by David Weidner of MarketWatch who originally jumped on the bandwagon applauding OCCUPY as “The Tea Party, only with brains!” To his credit, he later wrote, “About a year ago I called Occupy Wall Street a ‘tea party with brains.’ Today, I’m the one who needs his head examined.” Not really, Weidner—it’s your pals on the Left who are too crazy to know they need their heads examined who need their heads examined—but they’re all out protesting global warming, the Koch brothers, and pink slime. Booyeah!

The Tea Party with brains? Go ask… Elizabeth Warren!

FRENZY FOUR: Take my wife—please!  Christianity was just about wiped off the map this year, if press reports were to be believed. Allen Pizzy at CBS saw “the very foundation of Christian thinking” stretched to the breaking point when Harvard professor of divinity Karen King discovered a chunk of papyrus about the size of a business card that contained references to Jesus’ wife—and just in case anybody thought Jesus was talking about “the church” in the metaphoric sense of the church being the bride of Christ, well—there was also discovered an additional reference in which Jesus clearly said, in so many words, “I mean Mary!” See? Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, making the DaVinci Code by Dan Brown a valid theological discourse, just as liberals everywhere believed it to be all along! Network TV newscasts and the liberal dailies and news magazines went bonkers with joy, overlooking entirely the odd fact that Karen King had a long-standing devotion to the idea that Christ was married, and her scholarship at Harvard has been a consistent deconstruction of what she calls the “master story” of Christianity—and miracle of miracles (you should forgive the expression) she now just happened to come into possession of the one small fragment of Egyptian Coptic that proved Jesus was not celibate!

Actually, which Mary in the Bible washed Jesus’ feet remains a matter of theological conjecture–but our experts have ruled out the possibility that the one in this picture is proposing.

In a masterpiece of cyclical reasoning Dr. King asked the Smithsonian Magazine, “Why is it that only the literature that said he was celibate survived? And all of the texts that showed he had an intimate relationship with Magdalene or is married didn’t survive? Is that 100 percent happenstance? Or is it because of the fact that celibacy becomes the ideal for Christianity?” Well, maybe it’s just that no literature ever said he was married to begin with, huh, Karen?  But the New York Times went straight-up orgasmic over

Dr. King enjoying her fifteen minutes. “Yessss, my precious!”

King’s “find,” running an utterly uncritical front page story—and since the dinosaur TV networks check the Times to see what they’re supposed to be reporting (or spiking)    the news anchors went nuts over King’s putative proof of Jesus and Mary as an item. But all good things must end, and darn it all, the Coptic sentences turned out to be badly written, strewn with peculiar typos—and mainly cadged from the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas. The Vatican newspaper branded King’s scrap of papyrus “an inept forgery” and “a fake” — but that’s what you’d expect from those uptight Catholics, right? Problem being that most of the academic community seemed to feel the same way. Oxford University’s Andrew Bernhard pointed out that a forger appeared to have copied a portion of the Gospel of Thomas that is displayed on the Internet—complete with an egregious typo that omitted the Coptic letter “M.”  Professor Francis Watson of DurhamUniversity in England observed that “all of the sentence fragments found on the papyrus fragment have been copied, sometimes with small alterations, from printed editions of the Gospel of Thomas.” Watson added that he would be “very surprised if it were not a modern forgery.” Indeed, expert after expert chimed in subsequently pointing out the glaring indications of forgery contained in King’s little sample of history—enough that the press backed away and wandered off looking for other icons to mangle. Nobody in the scholarly world, of course, has been so crude as to suggest that Dr. King would be better occupied working on a birth certificate for the president—but it’s safe to say her 15 minutes are up.

Hey! Where’s the ‘M,’ yo?

FRENZY FIVE: The Mayan death calendar… well, just as WOOF predicted, we didn’t all die on December 21^st, nor were we transported to another dimension, nor were we turned into adoring flower children who would enter the New Age of Teletubbie hugginess and bliss—no, we’re all still here, just as WOOF’s very own Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters  of Zug Switzerland said we would be—and the most wildly hyped end of the world since at least Y2K has come and gone, leaving a lot of doomsayers with a severe case of buyer’s remorse. As we all know by now, The Mayan calendar moves in cycles with the last cycle ending in December 2012. This is what had everyone

Celebrating Valentines Day in Old Chichen Itza–no time left for astronomy?

convinced that we were goners. The last day of the Mayan calendar corresponds with the Winter Solstice, which gave the alleged end-time prediction an added occult kick, and had many experts mumbling fatalistically. Simon Martin, co-curator for the “Maya 2012: Lords of Time,” exhibit at the Penn Museum in Philadelphia went on record saying that December would usher in an epochal shift of sorts, “rather like the year 2000 marked a new millennium.” Of course, the new millennium didn’t actually begin until 2001, but nobody really seemed to care. As Martin explained some time ago, regarding the long-count Mayan calendar, “What happens in December of this year is that it changes from the 12th baktun to the 13th baktun, and that’s a cycle that has been running for 400 years. The current sequence of 13 baktuns has been running since 3114 BC or 5,125 years.”  So big deal. The fact is, the Mayans had no more authentic impact on this year’s solstice than did the Venusians—maybe less! And anyone with even the vaguest understanding of Biblical prophecy should have been able to tell we weren’t ready for the apocalypse! First of all—where is the famine? Sure, we may be on the brink of a doozy of a famine, but we aren’t in one yet. Second, where are Gog and Magog in that unholy alliance kind of unification thing? Soon, maybe, but not here yet, right? And the rebuilding of the temple on the temple mount in Jerusalem—what’s holding that up? And we have yet to see Nancy Pelosi spread batlike wings in the halls of congress, declare herself the Whore of Babylon and incinerate two thirds of the assembled lawmakers with fire breath. Okay, we made that one up—but trust us when we tell you, the Mayans didn’t know from squat about when the world would end, and the end is not yet!  Soon, maybe, but definitely not yet…and we here at WOOF will definitely let you know if that changes!

What do we have to do, draw you a picture?

FRENZY SIX: Sci-Fi blockbuster—the Disney picture “John Carter of Mars” was supposed to revolutionize the Science Fiction world—and with a story line involving a civil war soldier who winds up on Mars—how could it fail? Especially since the story was originally by the legendary Edgar Rice Burroughs—and just hiring him must have cost Disney a fortune. Determined, perhaps, to produce a spectacular film about life on an alien planet that was not a Pol-Pot-style paean to anti-Corporate revolution, and was simultaneously not a CGI-altered retelling of “Dances with Wolves,” the folks at Disney sank a cool 250 million into their master work, and spent 100 million more marketing

There are more Martians behind John Carter in this still than earthlings who actually saw the film!

it, most of which, apparently, would have been better spent repainting the Peter Pan rides at Disney World and Disneyland and going ahead with the Annette Funicello Monument and Library, as WOOF has long recommended. Anyway, the only epic aspect of the film’s release was its epic failure at the box office where to date it has recouped a paltry 184 million dollars, But experts tell WOOF that John Carter may eventually earn his keep abroad, where foreign audiences prefer American spectaculars because the comparative dearth of dialogue means there are fewer subtitles to keep up with among the explosions, space ship overflights and

Obama’s Martian involvement–buried by the liberal media!

force-field eruptions. There is, of course, another, more sinister reason why Disney may have struck out domestically with what appeared to be a surefire cinematic product, and that is, of course, the subversive Obama administration, the Council of Foreign Relations and the Trilateral Commission, all of whom have a vested interest in keeping the Obama/Mars connection under wraps, where it remains fairly well concealed despite WOOF’s fearless expose (see Science and the Paranormal forum).  Just as films like “The Hanoi Hilton” and “The Wind and the Lion” were met with low theatrical exposure and studied negativity from the critical establishment because their right-wing themes were deliberately squelched by the Socialist Totalitarian Conspiracy, so the kibosh may have been put on the Disney release simply to keep people’s minds off the crimson planet at a time when Obama’s youthful visits to the Martian surface threaten to break into the news cycle. So – a major motion picture from a surefire studio bombs in the American market, and none dare call it conspiracy? Think about it!

Zuckerberg kicks off the public issue of stock– the media ooh, ahh, and swoon.

FRENZY SEVEN: The Facebook zillionaires!  OMG, have you ever scrolled down somebody’s Facebook page? Perhaps you have some peculiar masochistic bent, gentle reader, that has resolved you even to maintain your own Facebook page?  Why would any rational human being subject himself to the daily bombardment of insipidity that this pursuit entails? Where else can you rely on seeing someone declare that she has just made herself a pastrami sandwich, and 47 people report that they “like” this datum? And the political blather, like, really—are all the least intelligent liberals in America confederated in a concerted effort to flood Facebook’s pages with their most embarrassingly demented observations?  But anyhow…in February the loathsome Los Angeles Times reported with its customary reliability that, “the 8-year-old social networking company has submitted registration documents with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission [setting] a preliminary goal of raising $5 billion. Facebook is expected to be valued at $75 billion to $100 billion.” And everyone went nuts predicting the vast proliferation of instant millionaires that would follow fast on the public issuance of Facebook’s stock. The first day Zuckerberg’s stock went on sale it skyrocketed from its opening price of 37 dollars to positively dizzying heights, and then—like the old Navy

The Vanguard Program’s only real payload: A lasting metaphor for the
overblown media frenzies of our time.

Vanguard rockets, settled back down on its launching pad and blew up, finally closing almost exactly where it opened. From there, it retreated consistently to absolutely dismal levels, and today is trading around 19 bucks per share. Rumor has it that investors remain skittish regarding whether the premiere social network can increase revenue by successfully tapping the growing mobile audience, and then there is the matter of a number of major lawsuits which remain unresolved. In December, Facebook stock fell more than 5% as almost 160 million shares held by early insiders and employees were freed from a lockup period. Now, WOOF doesn’t pretend to know whether you should see Facebook stock as a buying opportunity at this juncture, but we do know that it has fallen to a level at which all the breathless hysteria generated by the media pundits over its release can be counted as one of the years best examples of media flatulence disguised as prescience.

Finally, FRENZY EIGHT—we have the classic example of “Arab Spring,” best examined in detail by clicking on our “Chilly Winds” archive in which the entire fiasco is detailed thoroughly—but where else but in America in this era, when the entire bulk of all the news, opinion, and entertainment to which the average American is subjected comes from an inbred consortium of

Arab Spring in Benghazi–Ambassador Stevens entertains local celebrants.

mental pigwidgeons on the East and Left coasts who are simultaneously devoted to misrepresenting the news by design, and misrepresenting reality through abject ignorance, could the collapse and descent of the Middle East into Islamic/Fascistic barbarity be so wildly hailed by so many chuckle-headed anchor

Ford Pinto explodes on Network TV–and apparently only on Network TV.

people and pundits as the greatest moment for human civilization since the Renaissance?  The daily and unanimous assertions that ousting reliable allies or phlegmatically neutral panjandrums from positions of power so that they could be replaced by murderous, genocidal totalitarians bent on the destruction of Israel and Christianity amounted to nothing short of a a golden era for mankind is the sort of thing for which numerous media personalities should simply be flogged in the public square. So much more egregious was this hoopla than Dan Rather’s forgery of the Bush National Guard records, or ABC’s Sylvia Chase airing footage of exploding Ford Pintos without bothering to mention that they’d been rigged to explode—or Newsweek’s riot-provoking fairy tale of Korans being flushed down toilets at Gitmo—that one wonders at the Obama-era media’s uncanny ability to simply stumble ahead, never saying “oops,” never acknowledging its inaccuracies or its obsession with talking points in diametric opposition to the truth. In this sense, WOOF guesses that Erich Segal had it wrong in his 1970 novel “Love Story.” It turns out that LIBERALISM, not love, is never having to say you’re sorry–  but Ali McGraw never mentioned that, did she! Good thing you have WOOF in your life, huh, America?

Speaking of which, here’s Ali McGraw– definitely easier to look at than the Network News.

WOOF GREETS 2013 WITH FISCAL CLIFF SPECIAL, MUSIC BY THE GOLDWATERS: BOLD PREDICTIONS OF TWENTY EVENTS THAT WILL NOT OCCUR!

You can’t actually hear them, but they weren’t all that good  anyhow, so IMAGINE how good they’d sound if they were playing, and they were a whole lot better than they ever were!

Welcome to WOOF’s New Year’s Festival and Threat Appraisal for 2013! We wanted to start off by acknowledging that that death of Dick Clark in 2012, while lamentable, did not turn out to presage the non-occurrence of the new year, as some had feared. So that reminded us that we should start off with some good solid music, and for that we suggest you just close your eyes (after you’ve read this, of course) and imagine that you are listening to the tuneful conservatism of the GOLDWATERS, that hip, touring hootenanny-style folk group that formed to support the candidacy of Barry Goldwater back in 1964, and recorded one LP. We didn’t link to their music because we’re too paranoid, but you can go to other websites and listen to them. We actually haven’t—the idea of them is good enough for us. Some websites call them “unlistenable,” but we say, so what? So what if the right had its own version of the Holy Modal Rounders? And they take us back to the good old days of Goldwaterism when it was solidly Goldwateristic. You know, before Barry became what George Will once politely called “increasingly mercurial.” Whenever we get a little bitter about the failure of our candidate, Christine O’Donnell, to capture the White House last November, we just remind ourselves of what it was like back in ’64 when Barry got clobbered, and we feel strangely better. So, now that we’ve cleared all that….what else does 2013 have in store?

Nancy Ling Perry–from Goldwater Girl to SLA terrorist, killed in FBI shootout–what made you do it, Nancy?

Apostrophe to the 4th wall: Why did so many Goldwater Girls go so wrong, by the way? A rhetorical question, admittedly, but worthy of some thought, nonetheless! We could actually array quite an assemblage here of once radiant young ladies who proudly wore the cowboy hat and boots of a daughter of the Conservative Revolution, but then broke bad. Suffice it for our immediate purposes that we show you two such cases–and omit Karl Hess from the discussion, because he was never exactly, well–he was a guy.

Hillary Clinton–from Goldwater girl to Bill Clinton defender to Benghazi –how did it go so wrong?

DID WE GO OVER THE CLIFF YET—OR ARE SENATORS CHRONONAUTS?

Why on earth would President Obama want to avoid the fiscal cliff? He needn’t fear any unwanted restrictions that the cliff might impose, because he’ll ignore them, just as he ignores federal court orders and the constitutional mandate to submit yearly budgets. Nobody will do anything. Besides, on December 31, the first noticeable effect of the “cliff” will be the disappearance of the Bush tax cuts, and Obama hates the Bush tax cuts. He only extended them briefly to help the economy long enough to help himself gain re-election. He doesn’t need them now, so out they’ll go. He can then claim that Republicans made the tax hikes happen, even though he could easily propose tax reductions for the middle class of his own invention, he won’t. He wants the middle class taxed into oblivion. Then comes the second wave of the assault when on January 1st the average American household will be hit by the alternative minimum tax which is estimated to raise taxes for many Americans by as much as $3,700. Again, Obama could not be happier—he doesn’t need to get re-elected, which is why he’s no longer worried about the already over-extended unemployment benefits crashing to a halt…although we bet the RINOS will extend those one way or another…you know, just to be likable.  And from the point of view of the Great Helmsman, it would be nice to have as many people as possible on the doles to keep them voting Democrat, although with his own regal duff firmly on the throne, Obama is not the type to go fretting unduly about all the little people.

Also on January 1^st (otherwise known as right now) comes “the sequester” which is a euphemism for immediate, drastic reductions in government spending. Sound like a

Hot mic accidentally picks up Our Beloved Helmsman telling Medvedev to tell Putin he can disarm U.S. better after re-election.

conservative’s dream? Not when you consider that this includes a 55 billion dollar slash to defense spending! Obama is anxious to make good on his promise to Vladimir Putin via Medvedev (accidentally picked up by a live microphone, if you recall) to work harder to disarm America following his re-election because he’d have “more flexibility.” Cuts to Medicare will simply point up the need for National Healthcare!

What people can’t understand because people don’t get how crazy congress is, is that the law mandating “sequester” was never supposed to be put into effect—like the doomsday device in Dr. Strangelove. The idea had been to create legislation that would produce spending cuts so horrendous from any sane point of view that the mere existence of the law would force reasonable negotiation and an acceptable raising of the debt ceiling. But nobody foresaw Barrack Obama, the first Martian president! (See Science and the Paranormal forum for the full story.) From Obama’s point of view, this all looks like a pretty good way to reduce the American Republic to cinders while the lapdog media establishment blames—who? Boehner, probably. The Bush thing is getting kind of retro. And Boehner has already proved himself a suitable chump, doggedly playing Charlie Brown to Obama’s Lucy, always willing to take another run at the ball no matter how many times Lucy gleefully jerks it away at the last second! Yes, the New Year will send us careening over the fiscal cliff, unless Boehner caves in enough ways in enough time to save— Obama. (And it appears as of this posting that he and the other Republicans have caved as anticipated, but the year is young, so let’s see how things sort themselves out!)

“Yes, but the whole point of the doomsday machine is that you never have to use it!”

Let’s also bear in mind, there really is no Obama plan, except to raise taxes. Taxing the wealthy may play well among the mindless “Occupy” yawps, but will only hurt the economy while providing very little of the imagined revenue. We say ‘imagined’ because liberals and RINOs both believe that when they tax more they get more revenue. They still don’t understand the Laffer Curve. Jack Kennedy did, (even before Art Laffer sketched it on that famous cocktail napkin—but JFK may have been a chrononaut).

You don’t increase revenue by raising taxes! Got that? Repeat it a couple of times!

Reagan understood the Laffer curve, and yes, “W” did too. But they don’t. The lost lambs in the Senate are clueless about the physics of taxation. Tax people more and they fork over more revenue is the way most RINOs and all Democrats think. It never works, and tax cuts always work, so of course, we’re still going with higher taxes! And gentle reader, if you are scratching your head wondering how lowering taxes can equal more revenue, and if this is the first you’ve heard of this, we aren’t upset. We know how difficult the counter intuitive is to grasp—and how hopelessly propagandized you’ve been by the Socialist Media Cabal—but it’s New Years and we don’t have time to explain right now. Read “The Supply Side Revolution” by Paul Craig Roberts—and say, don’t read too much other stuff by him without us there to explain his weird side, okay? But the economic stuff definitely rocks.

In view of the deal finally (seemingly) struck at (or immediately following) the last moment by congress and the White House, which initially turned out briefly not to have been struck after all because our Beloved Helmsman suddenly announced that he wanted the tax cuts suspended, spooking the ever spookable Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) into withdrawing from the victory lap, we are engaging in this reprise of current and probable future events—reprised as though they were past events. Don’t think about that part too hard.

All right then–Obama’s noon-time press conference of December 31st (where he surrounded himself with carefully selected members of the middle class, direct from central

At least they weren’t wearing lab coats! The Beloved Helmsman and his middle class players–but the deal didn’t show up in time for the production number!

casting, intended to breathe relief on cue over the deal struck with congress), turned out to be pointless because there was no deal to announce. Undaunted, Obama announced that there probably would be a deal. And there almost was, (that would be deal number two of yesterday) but then once again there wasn’t, because it fell through again, see? But the Senate thinks it can time travel and reach a deal today, January 1^st, that will cancel out yesterday, and make yesterday today. See? And such a deal would magically obviate the fiscal cliff, which WOOF pointed out last week was actually overshot several months ago, but which can be retrieved possibly, with swift action in the future. See?

Are some Senators Time Lords?

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SO WHERE ARE WE AT THIS EXACT MOMENT?

The Great Helmsman and congressional lawmakers claim they have reached a deal, too late of course, but apparently just in time! In a way, we are relieved to learn this, because it means that our beloved futurologist, Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters, was correct in his prediction that Republicans would ultimately cave in and effectuate a bargain with the Regime.

The agreement, which includes spending cuts (which will never occur, of course) and revenue increases, (which means higher taxes, but nobody likes saying that) “extends tax cuts on incomes up to $400,000 for individuals and $450,000 for couples.” Of course, you can’t really extend a cut, you can only extend what already is—so there is no cut. Taxes will not go higher in this income range. Those earning above that, however, will be taxed at a rate of 39.6 percent, up from 35 percent. WOOF wonders how long the parties haggled before settling on 39.6 percent! Why not, you know, call it 40 percent? A poison pill for the U.S. Economy!  But that’s okay, because jobless benefits will be extended for another year. That’s right. As predicted in these pages!  Now, as for the spending cuts that will never happen so it’s absolutely ludicrous to discuss them, but here we go anyway, are you ready? Okay—fifty percent of those spending cuts, were they ever actually to manifest, must come from non-defense areas. Because you are clever, dear readers, you have probably therefore concluded, as we have also, that the other fifty percent will come out of defense, which is insane. We also predict that if any cuts ever actually happen, they will come wholly out of the defense budget. After all, Our Beloved Helmsman promised Vladimir Putin to slash our defense, and apparently there is honor among Commissars.

Chucky Schumer (D- New York), of the Senate Democratic leadership, took time out from test firing Tec-9s at his favorite shooting range to assure reporters that the Senate would pass the newly struck deal by “a midnight deadline,” which “deadline” was news to everybody, the deadline having passed prior to the announcement of the deadline that isn’t here yet. Got it? But we predict this deadline will nonetheless be honored by the Senate because when it comes to raising taxes, Chuckie Schumer knows whereof he speaks!

So what about the House where those darn Tea-Party types give House Speaker John Boehner so much trouble? Well, that’s an ugly business  just ask any moderate GOP strategist!  Majority Leader Boehner issued a statement following the announcement of the Senate deal to the effect that: “The House will honor its commitment to consider the Senate agreement if it is passed. Decisions about whether the House will seek to accept or promptly amend the measure will not be made until House members — and the American people — have been able to review the legislation.”

What that means is that Honest John will try his best to ram this through, but some knuckle-dragging ultra-conservative fanatics may prove something of an embarrassment to him, and all right thinking Republicans–namely, the ones whose thinking isn’t all that far right!

We just like this shot of Ann, obviously less than thrilled by the great compromise– hers of course being the neolithic face of knuckle-dragging, insensate ultra-conservatism –save us, John Boehner!

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IMPORTANT EVENTS THAT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAPPEN!

As all true WOOFketeers will recall, in early December, our very own futurologist Dr. Gootensteiner Johannes Walters  predicted the Republicans would cave on tax hikes and raise the debt ceiling in exchange for imaginary budget cuts–thus you read it here first, gentle readers–weeks in advance of it actually happening! Heady with success, we asked Dr. Walters to look into the Akashic record again–but this time, just to make it really hard for him, we asked him to predict what will NOT happen in the year 2013. He rose to the challenge, fellow patriots! And so, all the way from beautiful downtown Zug Switzerland, by the azure placidity of lovely Lake Zug in the beautiful Canton of Zug, we have Dr. Walters’s fearless predictions of 20 events that will NOT take place in the coming year! To wit:

• Iran’s development of nuclear capability is stopped by a joint American/Israeli strike.
• Janice Rogers Brown is nominated by President Obama for the Supreme Court.
• Rush Limbaugh is invited to give the commencement address at Harvard.
• A Federal Court cites Obama with contempt for ignoring a court order.
• A fence is built dividing the United Sates and Mexico.
• President Obama makes good on his four-year-old pledge to balance the budget.
• A liberal Supreme Court Justice astonishes court-watchers by shifting to the right philosophically and voting with the Court’s conservative justices more often than not.
• Joe McCarthy is awarded the Medal of Freedom posthumously.
• The United States Air Force admits that UFOs are real, adding that it isn’t sure what they are or where they come from and pointing out that in any case there is definitely nothing it can do about them.
• Somebody recalls growing up in Hawaii with Barrack Obama.
• Cass Sunstein writes a tell-all book trashing the Administration and accusing the President of being a communist.
• Fidel Castro actually dies.
• Mohammed Morsi joins the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and calls on his countrymen to do likewise.
• John Stewart makes fun of somebody to the left of Gerald Ford.
• Vladimir Putin steps down from public life voluntarily, says he needs more time with family.
• Hugo Chavez endows a chair at the Regent University School of Government.
• The RNC releases a statement acknowledging the fact that its failure to fearlessly embrace a right wing conservative agenda is the reason it keeps running moderates and getting beaten.
• Arianna Huffington snaps out of a two-decade case of clinical fugue and remembers that she’s a right winger.
• Barrack Obama releases his grades and college thesis for everyone’s perusal.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad flies to Tel Aviv to meet with Benjamin Netanyahu, saying “I have come here to renounce my past.”

(And finally):

• Mankind enters a new age of peace and serenity as part of a vast harmonic convergence beginning in January of 2013…oh, and Recovery Summer Five turns out to entail evidence of an actual economic recovery–that’s really two predictions, but Dr. Walters is generous by nature!

So now that you know what definitely will NOT happen in the next 12 months, enjoy the NEW YEAR, fellow WOOFians–and say, why not spend 2013 right here with us–we’ll be here for you right up until that NET NEUTRALITY thing passes and we all wind up in FEMA camps together. Until then– edification to our friends, confusion to our enemies, and hey, let’s make this the year we find out, “Who promoted Peress!”

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