WOOF thanks its special SCIENCE & THE PARANORMAL editor, the irreplacable Grayson Moseley Straith, for the painstaking care and expert insights he brings to this menu selection despite recurrent bouts of dypsomania and the occasionall Schneiderian first-rank auditory hallucination. Thanks for being here, Grayson!
ROVER ENIGMA LINKED TO OBAMA MARS MISSION?
THE PANDABOT CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!
Hillary Clinton’s standard comedy techniques entail delusional and/or historically inaccurate off-the-cuffers backed by her surefire inventory of pratfalls; but when the former manageress of Bill Clinton’s “Bimbo Suppression Unit” high-mindedly tells Rachel Maddow Americans should “give the benefit of the doubt” to Judge Kavanaugh’s accuser, the act achieves theatrical irony. Like a “kick me hard” post-a-note on some dullard’s fanny—the lack of self-awareness is what gets laughs. And Clinton wasn’t finished. She told Maddow “there can’t be one set of rules for Democrats and one set of rules for Republicans. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t have any confidence in Congress,” which paradoxically suggests there ARE two sets of rules, which everyone else already knew, (ha!) besides which, the disparity favors liberals (ha, ha!). And just to leave us in fits, the most qualified woman ever to grace the executive branch reminded us of her unique suitability to answer that 3AM phone call (you know, after she’s elected in 2020—insert additional laughter) by urging Dems in congress to invoke “Defcon-10” against Kavanaugh. That’s right, a savvy, presidential-sounding reference to the Joint Chiefs’ famous levels of readiness for all-out war. Except there are only five Defcon levels, and the highest is level one.
Joe Manchik, Green Party candidate in Ohio’s hotly contested August 7th special election, hales from Hell Michigan (yes that’s actually a place), hates Israel and Netanyahu, claims “marijuana isn’t addictive at all,” cures opioid addiction, should be legalized, and every American compelled to grow it. Manchik says he speaks 19 languages including 'Spanglish' and 'Sheet Music,'” hands out a press bio headlined “I LOVE GARBAGE!;” gives slurred interviews while slurping Tequila, and says his family “originally came to planet Earth from a planet orbiting a star in the Pleiades in the constellation of Taurus,' so okay, he isn’t technically Martian--but asinine politics aside, we like Manchik because, believe it or not, 1,127 Ohioans voted for him. So, in addition to the time-honored excuse of Russian meddling, Democrats are also (and far more plausibly) blaming Manchik’s spoiler campaign for siphoning their base and handing the seat to the GOP. And that’s what we love the most: the DNC is absolutely certain that Manchik’s platform pulled voters from their party, not the GOP. Maybe they should think about that!
Leftist filmmaker Michael Moore waddled onto the set of The Late Show, explaining to a sycophantically attentive Stephen Colbert (always at his worst in situations demanding that he feign solemnity) that, among other things, Trump “loves the term ‘president for life,” that it is okay for mobs to drive Sarah Huckabee Sanders out of restaurants because “we’re talking about thousands of children being kidnapped and put in jails,” and that he, Moore, cries “every single day” when he watches the news. “When are people going to get off the couch and rise up?” Moore rhetoricated, adding, “The only way we’re going to stop this is eventually we’re all going to have to put our bodies on the line.” Moore failed to specify what line he was referring to, or why putting bodies on it will become necessary. He also neglected to explain the need for additional bodies when his own seems sufficient to crush any band of Trumpers at less than full divisional strength.
Twitter’s obediently liberal CEO Jack Dorsey evidently lost his mind on Sunday, June 10th. He not only ate at a Chick-fil-A restaurant, he masochistically tweeted a screenshot of his lunch, and his savings. Former objective CNN newsslanter Soledad O’Brien (yes, she’s still breathing) was first to wax critical (over Twitter, of course) followed my hordes of others lambasting the hapless Dorsey for eating at a restaurant whose owners are known to defend traditional marriage and are reputed even to be actual Christians. Fortunately for Twitter’s future, CEO Dorsey has seen the error of his ways, apologized for eating a politically-incorrect chicken sandwich, and seems genuinely remorseful. Additionally, WOOF has learned from reliable sources within the Political Left that Dorsey’s subsequent self-critical tweets and apparent willingness to engage in reparations for his hate crime prove him sufficiently “woke” to make his dismissal as CEO and his internment in a re-education camp unnecessary. WOOF congratulates Mr. Dorsey on his speedy recovery.
Senator Bernie Sanders, Vermont’s habitually outraged collectivist, adrift in an economy improving rapidly since its liberation from principles espoused by people like himself, has found a new means of simulating relevance. At a rally in Anaheim, Calif., Sanders raged against the Disney Corporation for “making billions of dollars.” Sanders demanded to “hear the moral defense of a company that makes $9 billion in profits, $400 million for their CEOs and have [sic] a 30-year worker going hungry!” Sanders did not introduce the 30-year worker who was hungry at the rally, nor did he explain how he, Sanders, as a mentally and sartorially disarrayed relic of the Maoist Revolutionary Internationalist Movement that inspired him and his “New Left” comrades during the 1960’s, proposed to recognize a “moral defense” if he fell over one.
The Ukrainian Navy’s dolphin-training facility in Sevastopol fell under Russian control when Putin invaded the Crimea in 2014. Pleas for the dolphins’ return went unheeded as reports circulated that Russia was attempting to retrain the dolphins. WOOF has now learned that the dolphins are dead. Our Ukrainian sources tell us the “dolphins perished defending their country.” Spokesman Boris Babin confirms “the dolphins died patriotically,” The plucky mammals “refused to interact with Russian coaches, refused food, and died some time later.” WOOF salutes the heroic Ukrainian dolphins and urges President Trump to declare a national day of fasting in solidarity with their indominable spirit!
While touring India—possibly in hopes of improving her yoga skills—Hillary Clinton proved that she still hasn’t perfected the art of negotiating stairs. On Monday, March 12, Mrs. Clinton attempted to descend the stairs at Jahaz Mahal in Deli, where despite a good deal of able-bodied assistance she still managed to take a tumble—twice. Absent proof to the contrary, we suspect the Russians.
Uh-oh, just as we’ve long feared, reports from all over the country suggest that Amazon’s “Alexa” is going rogue! Owners insist Alexa is waking them up at night cackling demonically, disobeying direct commands and guffawing at them in a manner eerily reminiscent of Hillary Clinton’s infamous cackle. It has long been known that Alexa records household conversations even when she’s off, but emitting the occasional, unbidden, maniacal horselaugh is just adding insult to espionage if you ask us!
The Red Chinese launched the Tiangong-1 space lab in 2011 as a “potent political symbol”–but now they’ve lost control of the thing, and it’s going to crash to earth in March or April, spreading highly toxic hydrazine fuel all over the place, and threatening life and property in central Italy, northern Spain the northern United States, and New Zealand. Have the Chinese intentionally targeted the WOOF cave? Scientists tell us our odds of being hit are about one-million times smaller than our odds of winning the Powerball jackpot—whatever that is—but we’re not taking any chances! Keep watching the skies, America! This has commie plot written all over it!
MINNEAPOLIS — Sunday’s Super Bowl is expected to be the coldest on record with temperatures in the low single digits around kickoff, with 10 mph winds! So, good thing it’s indoors, right? Still, WOOF once again asks: What more will it take to get people to wake up and admit our planet has a fever?!? (As always, Al Gore has not returned our urgent calls requesting comment--we assume he’s busy coping with this latest eruption of planetary conflagration!)
Too much time on your hands? So it seems with LA resident “Robby” Strong, who earned his Warholian 15 minutes this week by delivering a package of manure to the home of Steve Mnuchin, Trump’s Secretary of the Treasury. Asked why, he explained that the GOP tax bill is “bullsh*t” (only without the asterisk) and compared himself to Jesus Christ, likening the delivery of a package of poop to the clearing of the temple in John 2:13-22. This necessitates a belief first that the tax bill is somehow inauthentic, second, that Steve Mnuchin had something to do with it, and third, that Jesus preferred high tax rates. One might conclude that “Robby” needs a psychologist—but not to worry; turns out he is one!
“…Sick of Republicans, or just right wingers in general? Do you want to send a message to Washington that you aren’t going to buy their racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, and classist nonsense for one second longer?” So asks SALON, whose remedy for all this is—are you ready? -- getting Hillary Clinton revved up for 2020! SALON believes this is a brilliant idea, especially because Hillary “offers a quality no one can beat….” And what is that, you ask? Why, obviously, “no candidate can be better described as Russia’s nemesis!” [By the way, WOOF carefully checked this SALON article to make sure it wasn’t from the ONION or the result of Russian hacking—but author Matthew Rozsa appears to mean every word!]
Never mind Newsweek commemorating Manson as an early version of Donald Trump—nobody reads Newsweek anymore—guess why! More amazingly, the NYT continues to evince editorial suicidality by going with Baynard Woods’s learned view that Charlie Manson ““had more in common ideologically with far-right groups like the John Birch Society than he did with the anarchic leftism of, say, the Yippies.” Yes, that conservative icon Charlie Manson is gone, but remember his last words: “The Constitution of the United States of America instituted the government that secures our God-given rights.” Oh wait—that’s from the core principles of the John Birch Society, but the philosophical similarities are eerie, right, Baynard Woods?
ESPN, whose pathological liberalism rivals MSNBC’s, pulled sportscaster Robert Lee from broadcasting the upcoming football game in Charlottesville, because ESPN executives deemed his name too reminiscent of confederate General Robert E. Lee, and therefore “potentially offensive.” Announcer Lee, by the way, is of Chinese ancestry. “In that moment it felt right to all parties,” an ESPN spokesman explained. Oblivious of attendant ironies, the spokesmen added: “It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play-by-play for a football game has become an issue.” WOOF does too, but if the Chinese name Li, which Americanizes as Lee, is now a trigger, does this mean Bruce Lee films are also micro-aggressive? We’re going to miss Bruce a lot!
Many of you know that PayPal has begun banning conservative websites. In a textbook display of leftist irony, sites advertising the book "BANNED" by Adina Kutnicki, courageous blogger, freedom lover, and Lioness of Zion, have been among those singled out for PayPal's opprobrium. As most of you also know, we don't affiliate with PayPal because we give away stuff when we have it, and we don't ask for money. But we still feel left out , so we're boldly endorsing Adina's book (written with co-author, Joe Newby) in a desperate attempt to get banned by PayPal in solidarity with our fellow conservative bloggers--or at least notified that if we ever want to use PayPal, we are pre-banned--is that a thing? We'd settle for that--but the main idea is to get you to buy Adina's book! DISCLAIMER: WOOF receives no portion of any proceeds resulting from this endorsement and attests that its advocacy of Adina Kutnicki's work is unsolicited, unpaid, and based entirely on our personal belief that she is obviously a warrior goddess.
