WOOF thanks its special SCIENCE & THE PARANORMAL editor, the irreplaceable Grayson Straith, for the painstaking care and expert insights he brings to this menu selection despite recurrent bouts of dipsomania and the occasional Schneiderian first-rank auditory hallucination. Thanks for being here, Grayson!
ROVER ENIGMA LINKED TO OBAMA MARS MISSION?
THE PANDABOT CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!
TIME TRAVELING LIBERALS: HOW THEY DID IT AND WHY THEY STOPPED!
RIP, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III. "May the angels lead you into paradise; may the martyrs come to welcome you and take you to the holy city, the new and eternal Jerusalem." Amen.
The liberal media could not restrain their praise when Kamala Harris promised to model her vice-presidency on the example set by Joe Biden. We may be in the minority, but WOOF understood her remarks to imply a solemn determination to blurt indefensibly stupid and often ridiculous ideas for the next four years, often supported by statistics that upon examination seem paradoxically un-supportive, unless analyzed while on LSD. Too, she seemingly pledged to become absurdly wealthy by coercing friendly regimes, and selling out to enemy despotisms, provided the results are obscenely profitable. WOOF has no evidence (yet) suggesting Harris has delved into influence peddling in emulation of the Biden crime family; but in the stupid-and-ridiculous category, she can be rightfully deemed an overachiever! Most recently, during an interview on WSAZ 3 TV, Harris was asked about the 14,000 West Virginians suddenly facing joblessness owing to Biden’s energy policies. Harris was not caught napping, citing Biden’s plan to retrain “All of those skilled workers who are in the coal industry.” How? Simple. Harris promised that “all” those workers would be taught the green-energy advantages of “transferring those skills to what we need to do in terms of reclaiming abandoned land mines." Okay, sure, as every mainstream news Muppet rushed to explain, Harris probably meant “Abandoned Mine Land.” But the image of unemployed West Virginians retrained to search out, and presumably disarm, imaginary land mines, not only pays homage to Biden’s rich legacy of moronic bloopers, but also evokes nostalgic remembrances of FDR’s various make-work projects, so vital to ensuring the great depression’s sustainability. That is, until the Empire of Japan intervened and saved America from the New Deal.
Gore Vidal often criticized famous figures of his day by pointing out that no matter how reasonable and coherent they affected to sound, every so often a little cuckoo bird would pop out of their heads. Joe Biden may or may not be on Adderall, but his cuckoo bird definitely overdosed! Last Saturday, while addressing a group of former Obama staffers, Biden congratulated them, saying, “We’re in a situation where we have put together, and you’d [sic] guys did it for our administration…we have put together, I think, the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics!” This boner occasioned a blizzard of Dem operatives insisting their candidate meant to say “anti-fraud,” but this defense ignores Biden’s subsequent boast that “it’s gonna overwhelm the system!” --which certainly constitutes a novel way to fight fraud!
According to reports, Tinsel Town is fast becoming a necropolis. Hollywood’s liberal politicians and policies have resulted in the Movie Capital hemorrhaging stars, producers, writers, and directors, all fleeing runaway crime, and skyrocketing taxes. The Daily Mail reports that “Junkies and the homeless, many of whom are clearly mentally ill, walk the palm-lined streets like zombies – all just three blocks from multi-million-dollar homes overlooking the Pacific.” Pavements are littered with syringes, front lawns are defecated on by wandering homeless folks, and upsurges in beatings, robberies, and rapes have the elites fleeing in droves. Have they learned anything in the process? Nah. Pamela Geller’s site posts the sobering reminder that “Just because people leave blue cities over Liberal policies, does not necessarily mean they will vote Republican in their adopted cities.” That’s an understatement! Given the lack of intelligence blatantly handicapping almost all Hollywood stars and the majority of their show biz associates, whatever new lands they settle will soon manifest all the same symptoms of liberal rule that made Hollywood uninhabitable. Build a wall, America!
News flash from Bloomberg Businessweek: “MIAMI WILL BE UNDERWATER SOON!” Arghh!!! What can be done? Is there any hope? Is the city evacuating? Scanning the article for details we learn that Climate Change is the culprit—but we bet you already guessed that part. Then comes the bombshell: “Barring a stupendous reversal in greenhouse gas emissions, the rising Atlantic will cover much of Miami by the end of this century.” So, okay, if your idea of “soon” is something eighty-one years in the future, it’s time to panic. But there’s an even more immediate danger! With that bizarre appetence for paradox so typical of climate-change experts, Rachel Silverstein warns that global warming’s effects may shortly contaminate the city’s aquifer, leading to catastrophic water shortages. Bloomberg reporter Christopher Flavelle frets that, “without this abundant source of fresh water…this hot, remote city could become uninhabitable.” So in that case, why is anybody worried about it flooding in 80 years? In a refreshing moment of reportorial honesty, Flavelle adds that “What nobody knows is when that will happen, or what happens next.” Gosh, Christopher Flavelle, if you’d just said that to begin with, we could have skipped all the fear-mongering hyperbole and enjoyed our breakfast! Don’t bury the lead next time, okay?
NEWS ITEM: "Scientists in Antarctica find bizarre creature 3,500m under ice: ‘Like nothing seen before.'" Indeed, Dr. Stewart, leader of the scientific expedition acknowledged finding a completely unknown creature. Dr Schnabel, a marine biologist at the National Institute of Water and Atmospheric Research in New Zealand, exclaimed, “It has something quite interesting at the front which sort of likened it to a hippopotamus.” Well, at least that rules out James Arness, or does it? But WOOF still believes the only intelligent thing to do with unknown life forms found under the ice in Antarctica—especially given how this year is going so far—is exactly what Kurt Russell did in the remake of The Thing! Come to think of it, James Arness wasn’t in the remake—and it was even scarier! Get your flame thrower, Kurt!
Let joy reign unconfined! According to North Korea’s official news agency, “All participants…burst into thunderous cheers of ‘hurrah,'” as the North’s tubby totalitarian, Kim Jong Un, returned to public view despite rumors that he was dead. Smiling, chain smoking cigarettes, and sporting a new wrist scar western analysts say indicates recent heart surgery, the portly potentate seemed fully recovered. Welcome back, Lil’ Kim! We are all breathing easier in the WOOF cave knowing we still have you to—um--write about! So light up an Yves Saint Laurent custom cigarette, chow down on some of that top-quality Danish pork, sip some Hennessy—re-watch “Rambo,” and take the wife out on the yacht. Life is good, Kim! Live it to the max! (Watch out for your sister, though—she looks mean--just sayin'!)
Many of you know that PayPal has begun banning conservative websites. In a textbook display of leftist irony, sites advertising the book "BANNED" by Adina Kutnicki, courageous blogger, freedom lover, and Lioness of Zion, have been among those singled out for PayPal's opprobrium. As most of you also know, we don't affiliate with PayPal because we give away stuff when we have it, and we don't ask for money. But we still feel left out , so we're boldly endorsing Adina's book (written with co-author, Joe Newby) in a desperate attempt to get banned by PayPal in solidarity with our fellow conservative bloggers--or at least notified that if we ever want to use PayPal, we are pre-banned--is that a thing? We'd settle for that--but the main idea is to get you to buy Adina's book! DISCLAIMER: WOOF receives no portion of any proceeds resulting from this endorsement and attests that its advocacy of Adina Kutnicki's work is unsolicited, unpaid, and based entirely on our personal belief that she is obviously a warrior goddess.
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