YETI SAVED FROM UNITED NATIONS THREAT!
ROVER ENIGMA LINKED TO OBAMA MARS MISSION?
THE PANDABOT CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!
WOOF! Watchdogs of Our Freedom
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WOOF’S COVETED “NAKOULA NAKOULA” AWARD FOR 2017–WE HAVE A WINNER!
Many may suppose it too early to pick an annual award winner, but we are certain no one will top the performance of HanAssholeSolo (not his real name) who tweeted a video of Donald Trump as a wrestler, body slamming the CNN logo. Trump found it amusing and retweeted it, at which juncture the liberal news establishment waxed uniformly apoplectic. Demonstrating a previously undetected knack for investigative journalism, CNN doggedly tracked down the blogger (who appears to be 15 yrs old) and demanded a “full throated apology” lest they “dox” him, meaning releasing his name and personal information to the public. Given this level of coercion, HanAssholeSolo penned an apology. CNN will “out” him, they say, only in the event that he ever criticizes them again. At least he isn’t in jail—on which account WOOF applauds CNN’s liberal forbearance!
MIAMI TRIPE?
In 2015, Obama amazed an audience of Parisians with news that fish were swimming through the streets of Miami. His source may have been Al Gore, who earlier told NPR "I was in Miami…and fish from the ocean were swimming on some of the streets…that happens regularly." Gore repeated the claim this month when he told Chris Wallace “I saw fish swimming through the streets of Miami on a sunny day!” Channel 7 in Miami did its part for the cause, airing video of a tourist pointing downward and exclaiming “Look at that! A mullet in the street!” Nobody at WOOF has seen a mullet in the streets of Miami, but one of us saw Bigfoot once. Not in Miami, though. Sorry.
PARADISE STRIKES OUT!
Despite Obama-era expectations that Americans would flood Cuba, spreading prosperity and learning the glories of socialism—nobody’s going. Only 2% of likely tourista polled as plausibly interested in checking out the imprisoned island during 2017. American air carriers fought for routes into Havana but their jets are empty. Visitors were startled by the censored Internet, food shortages, water shortages, and no transportation. An Allianz study found lack of travel infrastructure “a major cause of anxiety” to American Castroites-manque. After all, why suffer the discontents of communism when one can crank the AC, maintain one’s Facebook presence, and read P.J. O'Rourke’s “Holidays in Hell” in the comfort of one’s own home?
OMG, SHE DIDN’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!!!
MSNBC’s rising star Rachel Maddow has not hosted her highly rated program since May 25. Also, her normally buzzy Twitter account is strangely, if blessedly, silent. LIBERAL CONCLUSION? Daily Kos writer LibbyD frets “I am really getting concerned and I’m not alone...now I am not quick to jump to conclusions but…to think she is on the Kremlin’s radar is not absurd her journalism is remarkable and I think she’s getting closer and closer to the truth. We all know what Putin does to his critics and opposition leaders. Will he…do something to Rachel?” WOOF certainly wishes Miss Maddow a speedy recovery from whatever ails her—physically, that is--and just to be on the safe side, strongly suggests laying off the borcsht, especially if it glows in the dark.
DANGEROUS PROFESSOR PURSUED BY SOCIAL JUSTICE ADVOCATES!
Students at Evergreen State College in Washington declared a no-whites day on campus, but biology Professor Bret Weinstein ignored it. Students responded by rioting, occupying the library, and stopping passing cars looking for Weinstein. The college administration admits “things are out of control” but has “hamstrung the police,” according to the Washington Times. Students remain barricaded in campus buildings, “shouting down anyone who disagrees with them or shows insufficient passion for racial justice.” Tuition for a year of higher education at Evergreen State is $25,000, by the way, so start saving up, mom and dad!
CURSE YOU, VLADIMIR PUTIN!!!
WOOF staunchly maintains that its BARDOT metric (see below) correctly predicted a LePen victory this Sunday, and herewith charges RUSSIA with HACKING the election results. WOOF believes that only RUSSIAN HACKING can explain the ridiculously lopsided Macron victory! Mister Putin, you have overplayed your hand, sir! And just as in the United States, WOOF cites the total absence of evidence of RUSSIAN HACKING as clearly implicating RUSSIA. Logically speaking, if Putin’s FSB hadn’t cleaned up all the clues, why wouldn’t there be some? Ha, and they say we never learn from the Democrats!
NEWS FLASH! WOOF CALLS FRENCH ELECTION FOR LE PEN!
How can it go otherwise, now that the legendary French screen bombshell Brigitte Bardot has endorsed Marine Le Pen and denounced liberal Emmanuel Macron as, among other things, hostile to animal rights and possessing cold, steely eyes? And Bardot is no single issue simpleton. She boldly opposes Muslim presumptions on her national culture, declaring that Le Pen “will…take France in hand, restore borders, and give priority to the French.” Can any true Frenchman vote for Macron in the wake of Bardot’s revelations? WOOF contends “La guerre est finie!”
SO, IS “LEFT SHARK” GETTING A FASHION LINE TOO?
Readers will be thrilled to know that Hillary Clinton has been honored by Katy Perry (pop singer, friend of Left Shark, novice fashion designer) with her own line of shoes, which Perry denominated “The Hillary.” Why the full pair are not designated “Hillaries” goes unexplained. More to the point, the former first lady, failed presidential candidate, and failed secretary of state managed to prove that she could “Do the Freddy” despite the encumbrances of one of her trademark Ernst-Stavro-Blofield jackets, and not fall over. Readers who do not know what “the Freddy” is are not as old as Mrs. Clinton and should refrain from expressing embarrassment in her behalf, which we are fairly certain would constitute ageism.
J. FRED MUGGS–PLEASE CALL YOUR OFFICE!
The Max Planck Institute of Environmental Anthropology in Leipzig conducted a test of 34 great apes at Leipzig Zoo, after which Dr.David Buttelmann declared: “This study shows for the first time that great apes - chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans - can use an understanding of false beliefs to help others appropriately.” Presumably this makes them potential hires in any number of positions, but we have to admit: anchoring "mainstream" newscasts came most immediately to mind!
RIP CHUCK BERRY; AND FLIGHTS OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST!
The paradoxes of Chuck Berry’s career were as monumental as his music. One example from his marvelous 1987 autobiography is his experience of performing for Jimmy Carter at the White House’s “black music appreciation picnic” days before reporting to Lompoc Prison Camp for tax evasion. Chuck Berry dying seems as ridiculous as “Back in the USA” or “Promised Land” dying—but Mr. Berry duck walked off planet during the afternoon of March 18th. Somewhere in space, his recording of “Johnny Be Good”(part of the content Carl Sagan launched aboard 1977’s “Voyager”) in hurtling toward galaxies beyond ours. No finer exemplar of terrestrial creativity is imaginable.
CHINA GETS SERIOUS!
NEWS ITEM: March 13: China’s Communist Party has strengthened civil code protections of its iconic heroes and martyrs, making it illegal to defame or belittle them. Violators will be subject to fine and imprisonment.
FUNNIEST TWITTER EXCHANGE EVER!
WOOF stands by its view that Tim Scott’s tweet, (a few WOOF BITES below this one), remains the funniest TWEET ever; but as the funniest EXCHANGE of tweets (between the esteemed Charles Cooke and the equally estimable—if perhaps not quite as widely read—Carol Bannon), this one takes the cake, and speaks volumes about the topic at the same time! And WOOF still loves you Carol! It’s “all in the family,” after all!
EXPLODING WHALES THREATEN SUN BATHERS–PLANET!
More than 650 pilot whales have beached themselves along a five-kilometer stretch of coastline at the tip of the South Island, New Zealand. Authorities closed the beaches citing the imminent threat of exploding whales. One expert explains: “These things explode from the stomach and if you’re standing right there it’s not very nice getting a ‘gut bomb’ on your face.” To date, no whales have exploded, and no casualties have occurred, but since no known means exist by which to defuse exploding whales, disaster appears imminent. Reuters is keeping a close eye on developments, but has yet to quantify the global warming threat posed by so much methane. As of this writing, no connection to Donald Trump or the Russians has been verified.
CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!
Every time the Left gets ready to lay some awful act of racist terror at the feet of the conservative right, their hopes are dashed. It’s getting sad, really. For weeks now the media have insisted that bomb threats sent to Jewish organizations, schools, and community centers since Trump’s election are plainly the work of his moronic, race-baiting acolytes. Alas, no joy. The accused culprit is one Juan Thompson, and he’s Black, darn it, on top of which he’s a pro-communist Bernie Sanders supporter, vociferous Trump hater and a former reporter for NPR! But keep hoping for a break, liberal media; sooner or later some “tea bagger” will turn out to be guilty of something! (Maybe!)
IN THE NEWS: THE NINTH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS (file photo)
News that the 9th District Court of Appeals refused to immediately reinstate President Trump’s immigration ban is being treated by the media as further proof of the embargo’s unconstitutionality. Nonsense! Let’s take a moment and remind ourselves that no other judgment could possibly be expected from the 9th Circuit Court—a clown act, and the most reversed court in America. Reversed decisions include the 9th’s finding that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional because it mentions God, that individuals have no constitutional right to own guns, that banning assisted suicide violates the 14th Amendment, and (in the Court’s one nod to federalism), finding that the federal government can’t interfere with state laws legalizing marijuana. Seriously, beloved readers: Be not alarmed; be amused! The grownups will show up soon.
THE SOUR GRAPES OF WRATH?
Obama’s staffers posed this week for what has to be the glummest group photo since the Nuremberg trials. Nate Lowentheil of Obama's National Economic Council explained, “It’s particularly hard knowing the next wave of people coming are going to be working to reverse the things you were working to advance until your very last hour." Cheer up, Nate; it doesn’t bother us at all!
BEST TWEET EVER!
When Senator Tim Scott, the Black Republican from South Carolina, came under predictably nasty fire from liberal trolls on Twitter for endorsing the nomination of Jeff Sessions, one particularly brilliant detractor named “Simone” denounced him as a “house nigga.” Scott tweeted back, “Senate” proving beyond doubt that brevity is indeed the essence of wit!
MYSTERIOUS “4CHAN” STRIKES AGAIN–THROWS SMOKING BOMB TO THE CIA!
Yes, 4CHAN is apparently the source for the CIA report that Donald Trump was video-taped cavorting with Russian prostitutes by Kremlin intelligence agents—and likewise the source of the report that he encouraged employees to pee on a bed formerly occupied by Obama. Of course, 4CHAN makes up all kinds of crazy nonsense, a fact evidently lost on the CIA as well as CNN’s top media advisor who once told a credulous host that 4CHAN “May have been a system administrator” who “knew his way around and how to hack things!” Nope. As WOOF’s Tech Elf Noah explained over a year ago, 4CHAN is just “a sketchy website run by a teenager!” If only the CIA and CNN read WOOF, they could avoid so many embarrassments!
NEWS ITEM: OBAMA ADMINISTRATION SIGNALS NEW “GET TOUGH” POLICY TOWARD RED CHINA IN WAKE OF HIGH-SEAS TECHNOLOGY SNATCH!!
Eat leaden death, commie scum!
REMEMBER: ANY NUCLEAR PEARL HARBORS BETWEEN NOW AND OBAMA’S LEAVING OFFICE ARE THE FAULT OF THE PRESIDENT ELECT!
HORRORS! Former CIA director (and Clinton flak in perpetuity) Leon Panetta, has discovered that Donald Trump is receiving an average of one presidential intelligence briefing a week. Panetta pronounced himself shocked and dismayed by this news, asserting that Trump “risks being blamed after any potential attack on the United States if he refuses to receive more regular intelligence briefings.” Oddly, Panetta never expressed any such fears during his entire term as Obama’s defense secretary despite Obama skipping almost all of his briefings (and this even after actually being sworn in)!
IF THIS WAS A ROOKIE ERROR WE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE DOES ON PURPOSE!
For the record: WOOF is rhapsodic over the telephone conversation held by president-elect Trump and Chinese (okay, Taiwanese) President Tsai Ing-wen. The only “rookie error” Trump made in our estimation was failing to exclaim “Back to the mainland!” at the terminus of the call!
AFTER ALL–WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR HIM LATELY?
Of course, WOOF readers are smart enough to realize that not everything they see in the National Enquirer is true, but if this headline has any substance, Hollywood’s glitterati may all be wearing designer tees soon that read: “950K over the last eight years, and all we get is droned?!”
CHER VOWS TO LEAVE PLANET–BUT TRANSITION PHASE PROCEEDS SLOWLY!
Every presidential election a long list of liberal glitterati swear they will leave the country if the Republican candidate wins. The following is a list of all celebrities who ever made good on this vow: Johnny Depp. So will the dozens of celebrities who swore to evacuate if Trump won, make good on their promises and go away? The list is quite lengthy, but limiting it to only those famous celebrities WOOF has actually heard of, we are left with: Lena Dunham, Miley Cyrus, Cher (who promised to leave the planet), Bryan Cranston, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Whoopi Goldberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Amy Schumer, Al Sharpton, and Barbra Streisand. We won’t count Whoopi because she wasn’t emphatic, or Ruth Bader Ginsberg because she appeared to be joking (darn it!) but when will the rest of these malcontents ship out? Haven’t we heard enough empty promises over the last 8 years?
BUNDLE UP, IT’S GLOBAL WARMING!
Climatologist Dr. Dave Robinson tells CBS that the Northeast is in for a big chill. explaining that things “will get colder, at least in the years ahead, because of the warming pattern…” This, he said, is because of disappearing Arctic ice. NASA, meanwhile, announced that “Sea ice surrounding Antarctica reached a new record high this year,” also because of global warming. Arctic ice has increased by 33 per cent at last report from the European Space Agency—but we assume this too reflects the pervasive warming trend. Further planetary-fever updates as they break!
THE FOURTEENTH STAR TREK MOVIE: “STAR TREK INTO GLOBALISM!”
Brazilian President Temer, Chinese President Xi Jingping, Indian PM Modi, Russian President Putin and South African President Zuma take a solid stand in support of globalism at an economic summit held in the Indian city of Goa. But never mind that junk—just look at those outfits! Uniforms—and cool Star Trek uniforms at that! So, if we recall correctly, Temer and Xi are in engineering, Modi is wearing a Captain’s ochre, and Vlad and Zuma are science officers, right? Rumor has it Obama refused to attend because nobody knew what color a “Supreme Lord, Munificent Sage, and Sun Light of the Universe” uniform should be. Everyone else is clearly ready to beam up—or down—hard to say!
WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ AMENDMENTS!
FEC Democrats are angling to penalize Fox News for airing a presidential debate that excluded some hapless dweeb named Mark Everson, a former IRS commissioner who apparently sought the GOP nomination this year, albeit without anyone noticing. FEC Commissioner Ann Ravel brushed aside Fox’s First Amendment defense last week, explaining that “Upholding constitutional principles is not an appropriate role for a member of the Federal Election Commission…because I'm not on the Supreme Court. If I were, I'd be happy to do so.” WOOF thanks Commissioner Ravel for shedding new light on where government’s responsibilities to the Bill of Rights cease to apply. In fact, this probably explains most of the last eight years.
RIP Phyllis Schlafly; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
Phyllis Schlafly is one of those magnificent souls who made conservatism a lasting political phenomenon in our time. She fought back against femininutsiness, helped turn the ERA into a bad memory, promoted a rich conservative agenda through the Eagle Forum, which she founded, and knocked out a weekly column rich with conservative eristics for five decades. Her last book, released in August, is “The Conservative Case for Trump,” which deserves every conservative’s attention, as indeed does every aspect of Schlafly’s extraordinary career, from “ballistics gunner” during World War II to a holder of a Juris Doctorate and fellow of the American Enterprise Institute. Schlafly, 92, succumbed to cancer on September 5, 2016, at her home in Missouri. America is richer for her life’s work, and poorer in her absence.
WOOF APPLAUDS MSNBC’s RATINGS TRIUMPH!
While Fox beating its two closest rivals combined in prime-and-daytime over the last 10 weeks surprised nobody, lowly MSNBC--a network so comedically leftwing that most liberals find it hard to take -began consistently outperforming CNN. The mother ship of broadcast liberalism has evidently become so shrill in its efforts to smear Trump and laud Hillary that even ardent Democrats are turning to MSNBC for relief. WOOF congratulates the addlepated propagandists at MSNBC for proving that even the Bad News Bears of cable can have their day! We are now expecting the Detroit Lions to win the Super Bowl. (It could happen!)
DON’T BE A BIGOTED, RACIST, SEXIST, ISLAMOPHOBE…OKAY?
Street artist Lushsux made news by painting a swimming-suit version of Hillary Clinton on the wall of a Melbourne scooter shop in, Australia. The local counsel decided the image of Clinton with $100 bills stuck in her bikini was “offensive because of the depiction of a near-naked woman.” So Lushsux painted Muslim attire over Mrs. Clinton’s figure, adding the words: “If this Muslim woman offends u, u r a bigot, racist, sexist Islamophobe.” The counsel is contemplating its next move.
SERIOUSLY, MR. CLINTON, SOMETIMES I FORGET I’M SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER TO THINK YOU’RE A FEMINIST!!
Further proof that the Leftwing Media are hilarious in their repeated inability to perceive their own ironies came when Rachel Maddow (who distracts us from guffawing at the idiocy of her views by including enough aggressive snarkiness to pass for wit) worried aloud on her MSNBC program that Bill Clinton’s DNC speech “was not a feminist way to start,” and was, in addition, “shocking and rude.” WOOF cannot imagine which Bill Clinton Ms. Maddow was expecting at the podium, but the only women’s-rights issue the real one can be tied to is the one associated with Roe vs. Wade.
FREE LEGARDE, YOU FOOLS, OR FACE PLANETARY DOOM!!!
Worst news: International Monetary Fund chief Christine Lagarde will stand trial in France for arranging a 2008 arbitration ruling that handed 400 million euros to a “politically-connected business magnate.” Surely they jest! Only last year the visionary IMF leader warned a London audience they would be cooked like the chickens they just lunched on unless they and the IMF immediately addressed global warming. Indeed, what other purpose does the IMF serve? WOOF calls for the immediate dismissal of charges against Lagarde—the battle to save our planet must take precedence! At the very least, France must change the national venue so that James Comey can rule on these charges, n’est-ce pas?
THANK HEAVEN YOU’RE SAFE!
U2’s lead singer and studied international humanitarian “Bono” (not to be confused with Sonny, Cher, or Chaz) had to be rescued by armed police after being pinned down during the Bastille-Day massacre in Nice. Reporters Peter Allen and John Shammas described the rock singer as “gripped with fear,” until armed police were able to rescue him from his seafront terrace at La Petite Maison. Afterwards, U2 tweeted that "Love is bigger than anything in its way,” but neglected to mention that a lot of good guys with guns seem to be pretty important, too.
JOE MANCHIN DISCOVERS DUE PROCESS–AND IT’S GOTTA GO!
Senator Joe Manchin (D-West Virginia), has discovered a major problem with America—it’s the Bill of Rights! It turns out that the Constitutional concept of “due process” is a “firewall” preventing meaningful gun control—in fact, “due process is what's killing us right now." Gosh, it’s suddenly all so obvious! The second, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and ninth amendments are a threat to the commonweal! "So,” added Joe, “can't we say that if a person is under suspicion, there should be a five-year period of time that we have to see if good behavior, if this person continues the same traits?" Traits? And these are the liberals who thought McCarthyism threatened our freedoms.
AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THAT LEARNING-TO-READ STUFF IS PRETTY HARD!
In five years time, according to Nicola Mendelsohn, chief of Facebook operations in Europe, Africa, and the Middle East, Facebook will be almost entirely composed of videos. Mendelsohn added that statistical analysis shows the written word will become obsolete, replaced by moving images and speech. Mendelsohn explained to her London audience that, “The best way to tell stories in this world, where so much information is coming at us, actually is video, It conveys so much more information in a much quicker period. So actually the trend helps us to digest much more information.” Whew, for a minute there, we were worried!
MAYBE TRY MAKING SOLAR PANELS–SNAGGING SOME BAILOUT BUCKS?
Burlington College, a small liberal arts college in VT often targeted for derision by WOOF, is now gone, but we can’t take all the credit; the school is closing its doors owing to financial mismanagement, mainly during the presidency of Jane Sanders, the wife of Sen. Bernie Sanders, who, like her husband, seems incapable of comprehending arithmetic. Perhaps a government bailout? Oh, wait—the President prefers Hillary. Sorry Burlington; have you thought of asking Michelle to take over—just till you’re back on your feet?
WE APPROVE!
WOOF approves of the retention of Hamilton (largely owing to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s brilliant Broadway show) on our ten dollar bill. (Not the first time a work of magnificent poesy has preserved an American icon.) Treasury’s decision to replace Old Hickory instead of Hamilton with the estimable Harriet Tubman, is a good one. Put quickly, Jackson loved centralized power, ignored the rule of law, lacked a conscience and typified a cult figure bestirring a belligerent, vitriolic and essentially anti-conservative populism. Also, Arthur Schlesinger liked him—‘nuff said? Besides, Harriet Tubman was a gutsy, gun-toting, freedom loving Christian Republican soldier spy who is a welcome addition to our currency. As for Andy—he’ll be fine. Charlton Heston’s screen portrayals and Johnny Horton’s “The Battle of New Orleans” will keep his embers aglow! Welcome to our wallets, Sister Harriet!
COBRA’S MANAGER SILENT IN WAKE OF INCIDENT
Indonesian pop singer Irma Bule was known for live concerts featuring cobras and other exotic snakes amongst which the songstress gyrated while performing her hits. Last Sunday she was well into her second song when she accidentally stepped on a cobra, which bit her on the thigh. For reasons that remain elusive the pop star refused anti-venom and continued performing until she started vomiting and collapsed. Bule was immediately driven to a nearby hospital where she was pronounced dead. WOOF’s sincere sympathies go out to Miss Bule’s countless fans, but we cannot help wondering: When will American pop divas commit to showing their audiences similar levels of commitment and authenticity?
SURE, IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEBODY FEELS UNSAFE!
Jim Wagner, president of Emory University, announced his students are “frightened” after some obvious psycho inscribed 'Trump 2016' all over campus in chalk. Wagner insisted his students experienced “genuine concern and pain” after their harrowing encounter with the traumatizing graffiti. Students told reporters that their 'safe space' was ruthlessly violated. Wagner’s announcement came only after the student government expressed outrage at the university’s low key initial reaction to the appalling incident. Students say they remain dissatisfied, and plan a massive protest. Humanitarians that we are, WOOF dispatched a team of trained clinicians to Atlanta to help Emory’s students deal with their obvious PTSD, but our team experienced fright, pain, and anxiety when it saw countless “FEEL THE BERN” bumper stickers on campus, and fled back to the WOOF cave—our safe spot. Good luck, students of Emory—you have faced the unimaginable and proved your metal! Surely, it’s all down hill from here!
RIP ANTONIN SCALIA–AND FLIGHTS OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST.
The loss of Antonin Scalia at the Supreme Court is a body blow for the Republic. WOOF mourns his passing with anguish and trepidation. Pronounced dead over the telephone by a Presidio County Judge intriguingly named Cinderela Guevara, and whisked away without an autopsy despite reports that he was discovered with a pillow over his head, the Supreme Court Justice will undoubtedly fuel as much controversy in death as he did in chambers. No matter what (or who) actually occasioned Scalia’s passing, the cause of “original understanding” at the Supreme Court is in grievous peril, We of WOOF pray for Antonin Scalia’s safe passage to Glory, and for the far less certain proposition of a high court that remains sensible of our Constitution’s lawful authority in these treacherous times.
WHAT A NICE SAFE SPACE…TO P**P ON!!!
When Hulu’s impertinent mascot, Triumph the Insult Dog, learned that the University of New Hampshire had issued a “Bias-free Language Guide” to help students avoid microaggressive labels like “American,” or “Caucasian,” the cigar chomping mutt determined to visit the campus where his politically incorrect inquiries sent swarms of aghast students scampering for their “safe spaces.” Our favorite exchange occurred when a male student officiously denounced Triumph’s labeling as hurtful and nativist. “Well,” Triumph countered, “what do YOU identify as, besides pretentious?”
“JEB WATCH”–STANDING THE LONELY VIGIL, cont.
After nearly exhausting the largest war chest in primary history in order to finish with 2.8 percent of the vote in Iowa, Jeb Bush flew on to New Hampshire where the lights went out three times during his town hall event in Rindge, following which a young male voter told Bush he’d be voting for the first time in 2016, and Jeb passionately assured him, “I want to be your first!” Bush’s aides flatly deny hiring Lena Dunham to concoct seemingly off-the-cuff witticisms for their otherwise lachrymose candidate to trot out during all those dull moments.
“LEAPIN’ LIZARDS, WHERE DID TH’ FELLAS GO, SANDY?”
WOOF once published a screed entitled “Looking for Tailgunner Jane” in which we advanced the proposition that the only folks in congress with any cajones were women! Our views found additional support recently when roll was taken in the Senate following the DC blizzard, prompting Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) to observe, “As we convene this morning, you look around the chamber, the presiding officer is female. All of our parliamentarians are female. Our floor managers are female. All of our pages are female.” Seems like the guys just couldn’t muster enough grit to brave the blizzard. WOOF rests its case!
WOOF CONGRATULATES THE NEWLY ELECTED PRESIDENT OF CHINA!
WOOF congratulates Tsai Ing-wen on her landslide victory as China’s first democratically elected female president! We wish her a productive term in office, and we certainly hope she has better luck than her predecessors when it comes to subduing the ruthless, atheistic rebels who have forcibly seized control of the large land mass to her nation’s immediate northwest!
HATES KIDS–LOVES ‘COMMON CORE,’ NEEDS JOB!
Dianne Barrow, West Coast Sales Manager for Houghton Mifflin Harcourt was caught on video tape guffawing about the Common Core scam, assuring her listeners, “I hate kids--I'm in it to sell books, Don't even kid yourself for a heartbeat.” When some naïf interjects that Common Core is reputed to be a superior educative system, Barrow laughs and says, “What are you, crazy? It's all about the money!” WOOF is relieved to learn that capitalism has something to do with the Common Core program—we previously considered it an unalloyed communist scheme to misinform and stupefy our youth! As for Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, they fired Barrow immediately and then dismissed her comments as the ravings of a disgruntled former employee.
CNN BLONDE’S POSTURE MIMICS NETWORK’S RATINGS SLUMP!
Poppy Harlow is a CNN anchor, which means she works in relative obscurity, but WOOF was nonetheless concerned when she passed out on live TV. Harlow, always known to lean toward her left, actually became incoherent and slumped all the way over, unconscious, while reporting a poll unfavorable to President Obama. Fortunately Miss Harlow returned minutes later to assure her small but shrinking audience of her full recovery, adding: “I got a little hot and I passed out…” which may be the case, but leaves WOOF skeptical. After all, the women on FOX News are all hot, so why don’t they ever pass out?
“SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL…”
In one of her increasingly frequent “Twilight Zone” moments, Hillary Clinton bellowed in September that she wanted “to send a message to every survivor of sexual assault: Don’t let anyone silence your voice. You have the right to be heard. You have the right to be believed, and we’re with you.” Who, exactly is “we?” Did Her Magnificence refer to herself and hubbie Bill whom Hillary loyally served as Czarina in charge of “bimbo eruptions” throughout the First Masher’s political career? Adding an additional layer of high strangeness, Mrs. Clinton tweeted this week that: “Every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported!” Rod Serling, please call your office!
OKAY, WHO IS THIS REALLY??
The New York Times reports that 20 Obama aides pretend to be the president online! You knew he didn’t really send all those hip, nonchalant tweets, like, “Cool clock, Ahmed—want to bring it to the White House?” Right? The Times explains that paying 20 people to pretend to be him on line shows Mr. Obama’s genius in bringing a “sense of spontaneity and accessibility” to his job. Young leftists like Kori Schulman say they are “very much tasked” with their duties, while “Hashtag” Jan Psaki says this will “pull the curtains back and show people how government works!” WOOF agrees, and is only slightly disappointed Bill Ayers didn’t get the job.
“JEB WATCH!” STANDING THE LONELY VIGIL!
We all know Jeb Bush is supposed to be the GOP nominee in 2016, but it seems fewer and fewer of us care. Jeb has tried various reboots attempting to gain traction and the most recent seems to be shouting. The normally phlegmatic Jebster introduced this feature during his Lexington, SC speech, shouting that “a president can’t say it’s somebody else’s fault!” (Which is clearly untrue) and “A president can’t say ‘you’re fired’ and cut to commercial!” (Also untrue, except maybe for the commercial part) and “A president has to roll up their [sic] damn sleeves and get to work to fix the things that are absolutely broken right now!" (Also untrue, because otherwise the president would have fixed Jeb’s campaign by now, wouldn’t he?)
TIME FLIES WHEN YOU’RE RACING TOWARD PLANETARY EXTINCTION!
In May 2014, French foreign minister Laurent Fabius announced jointly with John Kerry that “we have 500 days to avoid climate chaos," following which he returned to France and scheduled the "21st Conference of the Parties on Climate Change" for November this year—which is actually 65 days more than 500, but Minister Fabius probably figured no one would notice, what with all the chaos and all.
SO DOES THIS MEAN THERE’S A 4th SEASON OF “HANNIBAL” AFTER ALL?
Yes, it's so unfair of us, we know--but after all the times NEWSWEEK put him on the cover with a halo, we can't resist offering this glimpse of the President from three angles, sporting horns as he greets the Pope. It's just the devil in us, we guess!
“WINSTON AND CHE”—DIDN’T JON MEACHUM WRITE THAT ONE?
Buenos Aires, ARGENTINA: Daniel Scioli, has emerged from primaries this week as the leading candidate to be Argentina’s next president. Scioli promises to bring inspiration to that office based upon his two greatest heroes, Che Guevara and Winston Churchill! Argentina does not have a Dissociative Identity Disorder Party per se, so Scioli is running on the Justicialist Party ticket. If elected, readers will be relieved to learn Scioli has vowed to “do the right thing,” insisting his lionization of Guevara isn’t “for being a blood-spilling communist but rather as a symbol of idealism and fighting for your dreams.” So we hope that clears that up!
R.I.P. Robert Conquest–and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
When Robert Conquest authored “What to do when the Russians Come” in the ‘80s, WOOF gently suggested a sequel entitled “What to do UNTIL the Russians Come,” but we never held this crusader against communist tyranny in any but the highest regard. Conquest turned on communism because he saw the depths of its satanic power and fought against the pro-Marxist uni-think that beset (and still largely besets) the American intelligentsia, confronting everyone from the blatantly mendacious Lillian Hellman to the devotedly communist Walter Duranty, to “brave little Izzie” Stone whose KGB codename we now know was ‘Pancake.” Thank you Robert conquest for all you said and wrote to bring enlightenment where nothing but the scarlet shroud of communist mendacity was otherwise visible. Mr. Conquest succumbed to pneumonia on 11 July—he was 98. He is survived by his wife, Elizabeth, and funeral arrangements will be made in Palo Alto. Conquest will be missed for many reasons, not the least of which include his talent for limericks, to wit: There was a great Marxist called Lenin /Who did two or three million men in/ That’s a lot to have done in /But where he did one in/ That grand Marxist Stalin did ten in.
TOUGH NEW ANTI-ALIEN RHETORIC RISKS REPRISALS, SOME FEAR!
California Governor Jerry Brown signed a law Monday banning the use of the word “alien” in the state’s labor laws. Moreover, the bill’s author, State Senator Tony Mendoza insisted the word was so offensive that “It has no place in our laws.” Thus far, WOOF’s inquiries to the Mutual UFO Network as to whether Brown’s action could precipitate a rise in intergalactic tensions have not met with a response.
WE BET THE IRANIANS MADE HIM WEAR THAT TIE!
Ayatollah Khamenei announced on Saturday in the wake of signing Obama’s nuclear arms deal that U.S. policies in the region were "180 degrees" opposed to Iran's, and promised to defy American aims in the region despite signed agreements. His audience greeted these revelations with the customary shouts of "Death to America" and "Death to Israel." Upon learning of the Ayatollah’s remarks, chief Obama negotiator, Secretary of State John Kerry (who was in Vietnam before he was against it) told reporters: “If it is the policy, it's very disturbing, it's very troubling." Nothing gets past you, does it, John!
DUE TO UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENTS, GLOBAL WARMING WILL BE FURTHER DELAYED.
As if global warming advocates didn’t have enough problems, now come scientists whose newest solar models seem to successfully predict the sun’s activities, and we are not getting any warmer. In fact, as Prof Valentina Zharkova just assured an international meeting of astronomers in Wales, the present cooling trend will place us in a “little ice age” by the year 2030. As always, we at WOOF continue to call for increased reliance on SUVs, coal burning power plants, paper products, and flatulent cattle in an environmentally-conscious effort to stave off the big freeze!
MORE CHANGE REQUIRED, AMERICA!
President Obama may have appeared to be looking back over his accomplishments of the last seven years when he lamented to radio host Mark Maron (whose suitably distinguished podcast is called “WTF”), that “Societies don’t, overnight, completely erase everything that happened 200 to 300 years prior!” But no, it was not a frank appraisal of the depredations the First Marxist has inflicted on American culture and values—it turns out he was explaining why we are still racist. Our mistake!
GOOD NEWS, CHUCK! THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED!!!
Scientists at Stanford, Princeton and Berkeley report that vertebrates are vanishing at a rate 114 times faster than normal. Apparently this last occurred 65 million years go because of an asteroid strike—so did the recently-vanished species realize an asteroid is coming and go extinct to get out of the way? Skipping past this concern, the scientists declare "We are now entering the sixth great mass extinction event," and it’s because of global warming! "There are examples of species all over the world that are essentially the walking dead,” says WOOF’s favorite futurologist, Stanford University’s hilarious Paul Ehrlich. And since Paul predicted in the 1970s that England would be wiped out by the year 2000 because of the “population explosion,” shouldn’t he be relieved to know the problem seems to be resolving itself nicely?
BUCK UP, MANDRAKE! THE PRESIDENT’S GOT OUR BACKS ON THIS ONE!
US journalist Mark Dice roamed the beaches of San Diego asking sun-dazed liberals to sign a petition backing what he called President Barack Obama’s “plan to nuke Russia” in order to “maintain America’s superiority.” The majority of beachgoers seemed happy to support what they supposed to be an Obama initiative and blithely signed the bogus petition. Dice had equally good luck back in 2013 when he got Obama supporters to sign petitions to “help the president get rid of the Bill of Rights.” Of course, in that former instance, WOOF unequivocally opposed the proposal.
DEATH CAB FOR “BEAUTY”–RIP JOHN NASH!
John Nash died on May 23rd, together with his devoted wife, Alicia de Lardé Nash in a traffic accident on the New Jersey Turnpike. Nash’s biography “A Beautiful Mind” by Sylvia Nasar was fictionalized nearly beyond recognition by Ron Howard’s movie, making Nash famous despite his disapproval of the film. He will be best remembered for his contributions to Game Theory, but should be equally praised for his rejection of Keynesian economic doctrines and his origination of an “ideal money” hypothesis drawn heavily from the economic theories of Friedrich Hayek. WOOF remembers him most fondly as the man who said his recovery from schizophrenia was based in part upon “the rejection of politically oriented thinking as essentially a hopeless waste of intellectual effort.” Boy, he had that right! And yet, we persist here at WOOF, immersed in our Sisyphean toils! Farewell John and Alicia! And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
RED PIGS FLY INTO LAKE; BLOGGERS FLY INTO TIZZY!
Tourism officials in Central China are in hot water with Western media pundits for staging an event in which piglets were herded off a platform and obliged to dive into Shiyan Lake before swimming to shore. Flying pigs—get it? Trendy travel bloggers are professing horror and dismay, calling the event “disgusting” and “nauseating.” Travel author Giselle Kuchirka wonders: "What is so entertaining about forcing scared animals into doing things they wouldn't normally do?” Apparently Giselle, you’ve missed the entire point of communism!
GIVE THIS MAN ANOTHER CHANCE!
Did you know that the most popular show in the world is “Top Gear?” We didn’t, but of course, we live in a cave. Thus, we also never heard of Jeremy Clarkson until he was fired from the hit BBC program for punching his producer. Now it comes to light that Mr. Clarkson was previously in trouble for punching Piers Morgan—which surely speaks highly enough of Clarkson’s integrity to buy him a bit of grace in the present circumstance?
“AND SHOULD I DECLARE ONE OF THOSE…UH…DEFCON THINGIES?!”
When Egypt fell to the Muslim Brotherhood, he rejoiced. When Benghazi turned into a prolonged massacre of Americans, including his own ambassador, nobody has any idea where he was—and when Putin stormed Croatia, he played golf. But finally a threat so grave to this nation’s security that it demands his full focus and concern is forcing Barack Obama to retreat to the Situation Room at the White House. Yes, the president has confirmed he will set up headquarters in that grim portion of the West Wing typically devoted to crisis management when Benjamin Netanyahu addresses congress at 11:39 a.m., so that our president can “confer with world leaders.” Precisely who will show the president how to find the situation room was not announced.
DOES HE HAVE TO PAINT YOU A PICTURE?!
Nelson Shanks of Bucks County, PA, is one of the finest portrait artists on earth. His work includes Clinton’s presidential portrait but the Clintons are now lobbying to have it yanked from the National Portrait Gallery—why?—because Shanks just announced it depicts a bit of Monica Lewinski’s blue dress in the background. Shanks loved painting subjects Maggie Thatcher and Lady Di, but describes Bill Clinton as “probably the most famous liar of all time,” and says he made Clinton nervous. “He was petrified.” Shanks adds that the dress’s inclusion provides “a bit of a metaphor in that it represents a shadow on the office he held, or on him.” Man, we hope he paint’s Obama next!
STILL STUPID AFTER ALL THESE YEARS…
Keith Olbermann is more fun than a barrel of monkeys! Fired by (among other employers) FOX sports, MSNBC News and even Albert Gore’s Current TV (before it became Aljazeera), Olbermann now gets suspended from jobs before we even know he has them—like sports casting for ESPN. When Penn State students tweeted their pride in raising 13 million for pediatric cancer, Olbermann tweeted “pathetic!” and called the subsequently indignant students “moron,” and “sonny,” while remarking on their “stupidity.” He has now apologized, of course, declaring, “I was stupid and childish and way less mature than the students,” leaving everyone baffled by his outburst, and perhaps more baffled by why he worded his apology in the past tense!
MITT’S NOBLEST MOMENT!
Forget that first debate (all too soon forgotten) or saving the Olympics—or saving Dominos Pizza, for that matter (which we cared more about, actually…) and admit it: No matter how fond or unfond of Mitt Romney you may be, his greatest public moment was his surprise withdrawal from the 2016 presidential race. On January 30, Mitt withdrew his hat from the ring with grace and an added a dash of generosity, announcing: "I believe that one of our next generation of Republican leaders, one who may not be as well known as I am today, one who has not yet taken their message across the country, one who is just getting started, may well emerge as being better able to defeat the Democrat nominee…in fact, I expect and hope that to be the case." Take that, Jeb! WOOF regrets to report that Gov. Romney stopped short of endorsing Christine O’Donnell—but the race is young!
RINO WATCH!
Just when you were wondering if you really needed more Mitt, and how on earth to put up with Jeb, it now appears that Lindsey Graham (aka: The Pillsbury Dough-McCain) is throwing his hat in the ring with the rest of the RINOs. Lindsey explained his interest to reporters, telling them, "What I'm looking at is, is there a pathway forward on the ground in Iowa and New Hampshire for a guy like me?” So maybe we should just pray for lots of snow?
TIPPING THE SCALES OF JUSTICE?
WOOF has learned that filmmaker Michael Moore’s latest anti-American blatherings piqued the ire of country singer Craig Morgan. After hearing Moore trashing Clint Eastwood’s biopic “Sniper,” Morgan drawled, “This is a guy who abuses the privileges of this country more than anybody out there. Why this guy is not put in jail is beyond me.” WOOF has a simple explanation for the patriotic songster: prison food budgets cannot be stretched limitlessly, and given Mr. Moore’s already-prohibitive dimensions, it is probably correct to resort to the cliché: “No cell could possibly hold him!”
GLOBAL WARMING THREATENS YET ANOTHER SPECIES!
It cannot bode well for the species generally that record-breaking cold across the United States is now so intense that the penguins at Pittsburgh’s National Aviary have been moved to indoor quarters to protect them from the cold. When will people realize that this is only the beginning if we don’t all work together to fight global warming in order to stop global freezing? C’mon America, it’s “settled science!”
THE ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE DESPOTIC MIND…
We know, we do this a lot, but every time our Beloved Helmsman takes to the surf, we can't help thinking of his philosophical predecessor, Mao Tse Tung (the original Beloved Helmsman) doing likewise, in sublime obliviousness of the havoc his policies are wreaking upon the masses! Of course, the Pacific is prettier than the Yangtze River--and, say, it has sharks, doesn't it? Okay, cancel that thought. Enjoy your vacation, Mr. President!
NO JUSTICE, NO BRAINS!
Only the Ivy League Left could decide to hold a silent protest of the Ferguson shooting at the same time and in the same place as Harvard University’s traditional “Primal Scream Run” in which well over a hundred students run naked around the Harvard Yard after consuming prodigious amounts of alcohol. Neglectful of the Pauli Exclusion Principle, the primal screamers careened into the Ferguson protesters attempting to occupy the same space at the same time. Predictably, Pauli’s hypothesis was upheld, and chaos ensued. Naked runners ranted drunkenly at protesters who retaliated by chanting “Silence! Silence!” which seems rather self defeating, we think. “This is absolutely ridiculous, this is absolutely ridiculous,” shouted protest organizer, Aubrey J. Walker at the height of the encounter. WOOF wishes to thank Mr. Walker (class of ’15) for bringing clarity to the event.
CELEBRITIES WE LOST RESPECT FOR IN 2014….
No, there’s nothing to click on—we don’t have much respect for MOST celebrities—but in case you missed it, that “campus Republican named Barry” who raped Lena Dunham according to her account in her mega-bestselling liberal blockbuster “Not that Kind of Girl,” turns out to be blatantly innocent—and is suing Dunham (and Penguin Random House who neglected to fact check) for a fortune. Dunham has refused to help police clarify who, if anyone, raped her, even though she describes her assailant as a violent serial aggressor. Not to worry, however, because Dunham is now firmly ensconced as a leftist media darling and the Left doesn’t care that she made it all up—because as Dan Rather would say, “even if the evidence is false, the story is true!” So be on the lookout for Lena’s forthcoming sequel: “Reagan and Me: My Secret Affair with America’s 40th President” (Of course, Lena may need a new publisher, but WOOF is always here to help!)
IS THERE A SHRINK IN THE HOUSE? HOW ABOUT IN THE SENATE??
During an interview on Laura Ingraham’s program, the brilliant Thomas Sowell, who is at the top of the media’s list of Black achievers whom Black Americans are not allowed to find out about, was asked why the GOP will not take a stand against amnesty. Sowell demurred, insisting that "you would have to get a psychiatrist…to explain that. There are cleaning women who say 'I don't do windows. I don't explain Republicans.'" Amen, Dr. Sowell. We at WOOF do occasionally explain Republicans, but it makes for depressing copy, and besides, we just finished diagnosing the president and we’re on break!
OR… MAYBE THEY CAN MAKE SHARKS WHO ONLY LIKE CHEESE!
Scientists at the University of Rochester have announced a new mouse/human hybrid (okay, still essentially mice), which they achieved by injecting mice with human “glial” cells from the central nervous system. The scientists report astonishing increases in rodent IQs, demonstrating behaviors that showed they were “statistically and significantly smarter than control mice." While most journalists are making cutesy “Secrets of NIMH” comparisons, WOOF ponders the larger question: Will it work on sharks?
LOOK, DOCTOR! THE FETAL TISSUE IS READY FOR ITS CLOSE-UP!
WOOF likes to contribute, every so often, to the Republican War on Women, and in this installment we may be accused of striking a particularly savage blow against female reproductive rights while chauvinistically reinforcing the subjugation of womankind to archaic paternalistic dictates straight out of the stone age; but we can’t help posting this 4D ultrasound depicting Leo David Hargreaves, 5 months into gestation, smiling broadly inside his mother’s womb. Apparently babies rather commonly smile in utero, which is quite a good stunt for “fetal material,” suggesting almost-human characteristics—but, hey, let’s not get carried away here. We feel misogynistic enough just posting the image—and in so doing threatening the rights of women everywhere to…you know… retain freedom over their own vaginas—and stuff—cuz…somehow or other—like, okay, how does that work again?
“What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?”
In Washington, Pennsylvania, two hard working "Stop the Violence" community organizers, Nikole Ardeno and Emanuel Velez, became suspicious that fellow “Stop the Violence” organizer Joshua Magraff was pilfering from their belongings. Skipping right past conflict resolution, the aggrieved activists settled the matter by beating Magraff until he vomited blood and lost consciousness. The organizers were promptly arrested and charged with aggravated assault following which, in an especially engaging nod to the practice of situational irony, Miss Ardeno wore her “Stop the Violence” T-shirt to the arraignment.
Maybe he meant OB/GYN KENOBI?
Dear Leader was giving Eric Holder a long-overdue sendoff at the White House and waxed jocund. “Like me,” President Obama said, “Eric married up.” He then attempted to say that Holder’s wife, Dr. Sharon Malone, is a famous OB/GYN, but the best the president could do was to pronounce her a “nationally-renowned oh-bee-guy-knee . . . .” which isn’t even phonetic, for gosh sake. WOOF is checking to see if it may be Kenyan, or if perchance Halliburton programmed the First Teleprompter, which would, of course, make this Bush’s fault!
Maybe we’ll just call him “Alex WHO” from now on….
Alexis de Tocqueville has been going through some changes lately. First President Obama re-christened him “Alex” de Tocqueville back in February while trying to impress visiting French President Hollande, and now Hillary Clinton has renamed him “Lexus” and informed a group of goggle-eyed admirers that he “came to the United States in the very early 1930s and traveled around our country," despite, as it happens. having died in 1859. Luckily for liberals who try to sound smart, their audiences are always less smart, thus nobody so much as murmured while Mrs. Clinton transformed the famous French author and commentator into a Time Lord.
“HAVE BEEN EXPECTING SAME!”
Recently, WOOF asked Tech Elf Noah (age 15) what “4chan” was. He promptly replied, “It’s a sketchy website run by a teenager, so avoid it!” CNN, on the other hand, lacks our vast resources and was forced to rely on tech expert Brett Larson when host Brooke Baldwin discovered that recently leaked nude celebrity pics were posted by “4chan.” Baldwin asked Larson, “Do we even know? Who is this 4chan person…?” and Larson opined, “He may have been a system administrator who knew his way around and how to hack things!” For that matter, Brett—maybe it’s a whole team of hackers! Maybe there are FOUR Chans!? WOOF is only trying to help!
SO WE’RE HOPING THIS IS PHOTOSHOPPED!
If you thought all ATOMIC BORES work for SANE or the Union of Concerned Scientists, think again! Germany reports an onslaught of radioactive boars (okay, admittedly, that’s BOARS, as in pigs, but we couldn’t resist the swipe) roaming the forests of Saxony--apparent victims of the Chernobyl melt down almost three decades ago! The nuclear swine have played hob with hunting and marketing boar flesh, a delicacy in Germany, but the worst may yet be avoided as experts at the Brandenburgische Technische Universitat in neighboring Cottbus have assured WOOF that the odds of a 50-foot-tall gigantic Atomic Pig attacking Berlin appear miniscule.
ASKING EVERYONE TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR ANY SOCIAL POLLUTION!
Good news! The federal government is sponsoring a project to detect hate speech on Twitter, as well as tracking “misinformation” and “suspicious memes” plus “false and misleading ideas!” The University of Indiana is pleased to report that the project will focus mainly on political activity in order to detect “political smears and other social pollution.” Not to worry, the project developers assure us that their efforts are aimed at “the preservation of open debate” in social media. Whew! And for a moment there, we were worried!
US? WE HAD TO PINCH OURSELVES TO BE SURE WE WEREN’T LOOKING AT BETTY FRIEDAN!
WOOF is shocked to learn that Beyoncé’s 15-minute “FEMINIST” performance at the MTV awards disconcerted vast numbers of viewers who considered her lewd poll dancing while singing “Bow Down Bitches” to reflect a somewhat anti-feminist disposition. Twitter lit up with critics complaining that the singer’s approach reflected a double standard. WOOF refuses to accept that a pop entertainer of Beyoncé’s prominence could conceivably exhibit anything so appalling as a double standard. Presumably the evening’s misadventure is better written off as a political-correctness malfunction.
AG FLAUNTS GRAMMAR; NO APOLOGIA SEEMS EMINENT IRREGARDLESS OF MUCH NOISOME CRITIQUING!
Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that the controversial shooting death of a Black teenager, which has spawned rioting in Ferguson, Missouri, “deserves a fulsome review.” So this review will be excessively complimentary or flattering? Presumably the A.G. meant “full” and should have said so, but in a Common Core world, surely he should get credit for what he tried to say, and besides, lots of people misapply the term and hopefully that makes it alright!
DON’T SHOOT, JIM–THEY’RE HERE TO HELP!!!
Ants are now receiving kudos as a possible reason global warming has not, thus far, done anything its advocates keep predicting. As climatologists find it harder to deny that warming is not occurring, some are pointing to a study by Ronald Dorn at Arizona State University in Tempe indicating that because ants manufacture limestone as a biological byproduct, they may be thwarting our planetary fever by trapping carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, in rock faster than cows or coal plants can belch contaminants. WOOF is hardly surprised to discover that ants contribute to our global wellbeing—we always knew God was a lot smarter than Al Gore.
JERRY–HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING AGAIN..?
Yes, Governor Brown has put his skills as a climatologist to work on California’s problem with runaway illegal immigration, which he recently explained is actually okay because they will all head out of state soon anyhow. Governor “Moonbeam” explained that a mass exodus will inevitably occur “…when millions of people are driven north from the parched landscapes of a world degraded by intensifying climate change…” at which juncture, WOOF assumes, he will move to have California’s electoral vote reduced to that of, say, Rhode Island’s, so there’s some good in everything!
ALL REMOVALS COURTESY OF THE INVISIBLE HAND, INC.
When we're wrong, we're wrong, and in keeping with WOOF's longstanding policies of admitting our errors we now freely acknowledge that President Obama's policies do seem to be creating some jobs--and here is photographic evidence!
IS THAT YOU, ORTHON?!
A gigantic hole, 262 feet wide, has suddenly appeared in the Yamal Peninsula of northern Siberia. The Russians have dispatched an expedition to examine the phenomenon, but meanwhile the Internet is ablaze with speculation that a UFO either entered or exited through the permafrost. Experts from Russia's Center for the Study of the Arctic, as well as the Cryospheric Institute of the Academy of Sciences say they have eliminated the possibility of a meteor strike, but believe the explanation may be global warming. WOOF is sticking with UFOs.
The Eternal Sunshine of the Creaseless Brain?
White House press secretary Josh Earnest said Monday that the Obama administration’s foreign policies have enhanced the world’s tranquility—an enormity so grotesque that even ABC’s Jon Karl felt obliged to take exception. WOOF salutes Mr. Karl’s courage and joins countless others in fervently hoping he continues to be employed. Press Secretary Josh Earnest did not say how much more tranquility the world could endure without exploding.
A PASSION FOR POWER?
A study conducted by researchers at Loughborough University and Cambridge Architectural Research has determined that people who say they are concerned about global warming consume considerably more electricity than those who say climate change doesn’t concern them. WOOF warns readers that these results are highly preliminary and that correlational research cannot conclusively prove causality, so it would be premature to conclude that using too much electricity makes you liberal.
WE GUESS IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY ‘TRANSPARENT!’
Despite increased complaints, even from liberal "journalists" that the Obama administration is stonewalling all enquiries into its various illegal and unconstitutional acts, Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest says he 'absolutely' agrees with President Obama's position that he continues to be the most transparent president. So there. Next scandal!
THANK HEAVEN WE RESISTED MAKING ANY GLOCKAMOLE PUNS!
In the mood for an "M16 burrito," or a "Smith & Wesson Grilled Cheese?" Well pardner, just drop into “Shooters Grill” in Rifle, Colorado, about 180 miles west of Denver where the waitresses are not only hot, but also pack heat. From the photo WOOF infers that a bit more training in weapons management might be efficacious, but those ladies’ hearts are certainly in the right place! (Wonder if Colt .45 is on draught?)
SERIOUSLY??
According to the BBC, the US Secret Service is developing a software system meant to detect sarcasm on Twitter. A spokesman explained that the service currently uses FEMA’s Twitter analyzer (who knew?) but needs its own, adding: "We aren't looking solely to detect sarcasm." Among the Secret Service’s additional demands are the abilities to analyze "sentiment and trend" and "compatibility with Internet Explorer 8." WOOF would like to save the government time and money by reminding the Secret Service that all WOOF tweets are sarcastic—and nothing is compatible with Internet Explorer 8.
The Good, the Bad, or the Ugly?
Can’t get enough Julian Assange? Good news! The Wiki-leaker will be strutting his stuff in designer apparel incorporating a spaghetti-western theme in a London Fashion Week reveal! Of course, the neophyte model can’t leave the Ecuadorian embassy in London or he’ll be arrested on charges of rape, but not to worry—the cameras are coming to him. Wardrobe designer Ben Westwood probably summed it up for everyone when he told the UK Independent: “…it’s important that he doesn’t slip into obscurity.” Heaven forefend!
“O, I GOT PLENTY OF NOTHIN’/NOTHIN’S PLENTY FOR ME!”
In her first whopper of her presidential campaign—currently disguised as a book tour—Mrs. Clinton informs Diane Sawyer of ABC (in an interview scheduled to air this evening, June 9th) that she and Bill left the White house “dead broke” and had to “struggle” to “buy houses.” Houses? Well, yes, who can stay in just one? In a rare moment of journalistic integrity, a moderately perplexed Sawyer counters with the only slightly oblique: “Do you think Americans are going to understand five times the median income in this country for one speech?" WOOF will not bother you with Mrs. Clinton’s circumlocutory response, except to say that her answer, painstakingly reduced for clarity, is “Yes.”
EVERYBODY FREEZE!! (It’s the law of unintended consequences, Honey Bunny!!)
In a fit of archetypical liberal sanctimony, the “Jack in the Box” restaurant chain just banned guns from its establishments…an obvious left-wing beau geste, since gunplay was hardly an issue at the corporation’s franchises—until now! The chain has already been stuck up three times in ten days by gun-waving felons who take their time robbing the till, the employees, and the customers—secure in the knowledge that nobody else is packing heat. Nice going, Jack-in-the-Box! Too bad Roy Rogers closed down—heck, he’d’ve shot the guns out of the robbers’ hands and Trigger would’ve stomped ‘em! Things sure are gettin’ civilized, Roy!
WHY OLD-SCHOOL IS THE BEST SCHOOL:
The State Department has confirmed that last month (April 24th), two US “embassy officers” were getting their hair cut in a Yemeni barber shop when two Yemenis burst in and attempted to abduct them at gunpoint, whereupon the US officials pulled handguns and shot the Yemenis dead. One “official” was a colonel with the Joint Special Operations Command, the other a CIA agent. They have been removed from Yemen—presumably to coach the administration on how properly to deal with these matters.
STOPPED CLOCK THEORY GAINS CREDIBILITY!
Speaking at a maximum-glitz fundraiser hosted by the ingrates who now run the Walt Disney Studio (sorry about that, Walt), President Obama stood in the Magic Kingdom and warned the likes of Barbara Streisand, James Brolin, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and 87 equally shatterpated one percenters that the House and Senate elections could be dire for Democrats in November without massive cash infusions from Tinsel Town, explaining that “…we got this downward spiral of even more cynicism and more dysfunction. And we have to break out of that cycle and that’s what this election’s all about…” and WOOF could not agree more. This, by the way, is the second time in six years WOOF has agreed with the First Marxist, whom we agreed with on the previous occasion of his calling Kanye West “a jackass.” What say, Mr. President, shall we shoot for a third time before the year’s out? --Mustn’t rest on your laurels!
FIRST LADIES GO WILD!
WOOF is often concerned for the First Lady, who considers the White House a jail, professes massive unhappiness with America’s eating and spending habits, reportedly grouches habitually at her vast coterie of assistants and aides and who, by her own admission, never felt proud of being an American until her husband was nominated by the Democrat Party. It is refreshing, therefore, to see her enjoying a moment of authentic ecstasy while touring Red China, cheering on the Chinese military, enthusiastically waving Communist flags in both hands and letting her hair down among likeminded comrades. In fact, why not build the Obama Presidential library in Beijing? Besides the obvious bonds of simpatico, think of the savings in labor!
Evaluate me, huh? I’ll just sit here–they’ll see! I wouldn’t hurt a fly!!
David Gregory cut his chops playing that snide, snotty little frat boy who makes snarky remarks about all the other little frat boys. He played this role to the hilt at “W”-era pressers where NBC producers mistook it for wit and wisdom, so they handed Gregory Tim Russert’s old slot on Meet the Press. The show’s ratings predictably flat-lined prompting NBC execs to order a psych-eval of Gregory. Really? Now what good is that going to accomplish? We just told NBC he’s a snotty little frat boy, and TV viewers prefer CBS’s rather more adult, less neurotic Bob Schieffer. No mystery there! And NBC executives don’t need a psych-eval either: They’re stupid. Are there any further questions?
STILL CLUELESS AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
Kathleen Sibelius finally resigned her post as Health and Human Services Secretary after overseeing the disastrous roll out of Obamacare and subjecting Americans everywhere to the most ill-planned, technically inefficient, fraud-riven, patently unconstitutional and perversely expensive social program in our national history. Sibelius delivered her farewell speech in the Rose Garden, laboriously reading her way through a series of prepared inanities, arriving finally at that portion of her remarks intended to innumerate the many benefits socialized health care will bestow upon the grateful masses. Instead, she lurched suddenly to a stop and stared blankly at the surface of her podium. Uncomfortable seconds ticked by. After a seeming eternity, Sibelius shuffled her papers, cleared her throat, and announced: “Unfortunately, a page is missing.” This seems a perfect parting pronouncement from one of the administration’s most conspicuous ding-a-lings, and a perfect epitaph for Obamacare once awakened Americans manage to wipe it from the historical record!
WELL, EITHER WAY IT SEEMS TO FIGHT AGING!
Anti-aging therapy famously uses injections of growth hormones to give aging adults a more youthful appearance and stamina—that’s the good news. Sadly, it transpires (according to Albert Einstein College of Medicine) that the same growth hormones appear to lower the body's natural immunities, so recipients of anti-aging injections are also likely to die younger—an unanticipated side effect. WOOF leaves it to our readers to determine their personal priorities.
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF GLOBAL WARMING!
The UN is about to release its latest global warming findings, including the prediction that by 2050 warmer temps will drive food prices up by somewhere between 3 and 84 percent… so there would seem to be plenty of wiggle room. But Richard Tol, a Sussex University economist, walked off the panel, calling the report “too alarmist.” But—wait for it--Tol says the review is alarmist because it underestimates the possible benefits that will accompany global warming. Oh sigh.
HAPPY 400th, USA!
Sheila Jackson Lee, (D-TX) who once asked NASA if their Martian rovers could prove that we really visited the red planet by locating where American astronauts planted Old Glory on the Martian surface, and who once denounced a Pepsi commercial as “racist,” and who once tried to warn an NAACP convention that the Tea Party were just the KKK without the sheets but forgot the word for “sheets,” and substituted “you know, that clothing with a name,” has now turned her attentions to our founding document, remarking in Congress on Tuesday that “we have lasted some 400 years, operating under a constitution that clearly defines what is constitutional and what is not.” And even though Congresswoman Lee’s assertion is off by 173 years, WOOF figures if we grade her on her own curve, she deserves an “A plus” for this one!
YOU GO, GIRL!
After years at CBS News as that rarest of modern journalistic commodities, an actual investigative correspondent, Sharyl Attkisson reached CBS’s boiling point—looking into Benghazi, the IRS scandal—she had to go! She “agreed” to resign. Her forthcoming book should be a must read for Wooferians!
WE SING THE CADDY ELECTRIC!
If you haven’t seen Neal McDonough’s commercial for the new electric Cadillac, you are missing an American gem. Liberals are in a predictable fit of pique over its alleged xenophobia and jingoism, and blah blah blah—but if you watch the video and don’t feel a sense of exaltation, you’re just not WOOF material! If you like it so much that you spend 75K on an electric Cadillac, give us a ride, okay? (Are there charging stations in New England?)
AND THAT’S THE WAY IT IS…
Liz Wahl, an anchor person employed by “Russia Today” quit on the air during her Wednesday, March 5th broadcast. Wahl, a major figure in the network's D.C. bureau, announced her refusal to be "part of a network that whitewashes the actions of Putin. I'm proud to be an American and believe in disseminating the truth, and that is why, after this newscast, I am resigning." WOOF rejoices in Miss Wahl’s candor and journalistic integrity. Gosh, if MSNBC’s anchors possessed even a smidgeon of her integrity, they’d resign en masse and the network would consist of dead air—and the ratings would go up.
WUNDERKIND WINS KUDOS AFTER THREE DAYS ON THE AIR!
Ronan Farrow premiered his new MSNBC program Monday, dropping 51 percent from the same hour’s February average and tying him with something called “Jansing & Co,” as the least viewed MSNBC show of the day. But he almost immediately won the annual “Cronkite Award for Excellence in Exploration and Journalism!” WOOF offers its hearty congratulations to Mr. Farrow for this breathtaking achievement, as well as our warm assurances that, at this rate, surely the Nobel Peace Prize is next!
PIERS TO FIGHT CANCELLATION WITH MISSILE?!
Piers Morgan has announced that he will be leaving CNN, declaring “Everybody would rather be hated than ignored.” But Morgan isn’t leaving because he’s hated—he’s leaving because he was ignored. Nobody watched his program. In announcing his departure he made the peculiarly threatening remark, “I don’t launch the first Exocet, but should people take some irrational dislike to me, I like to return the favor.” WOOF takes offense at Mr. Morgan even possessing an Excocet—surely this is not what the founders envisioned when they wrote the 2nd Amendment, right, Piers?
PRIVATE ENTERPRISE PREDICTED BIG FREEZE CHEAP!
Expert climatologists are paraded across our TV screens almost as incessantly as economists predicting signs of recovery; thus we all knew in advance that a hurricane-infested late summer and autumn would give way this winter to what the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Climate Prediction Center (CPC) insisted would be “above normal temperatures from November through January across much of the lower 48 states,” --the inevitable consequence, one assumes, of man’s insensate fixation on combustion engines and non-regulated household thermostats. Instead, we experienced no hurricane activity and endured record breaking low temperatures and snowfalls paralyzing precisely those states that should have been sweltering—and the really embarrassing part is that anybody could have seen it coming (including NOAA) if they had only spent $6.99 on a copy of this years “Farmers Almanac” which precisely predicted the big freeze—or if they had simply listened to a meteorologically gifted rodent named Punxsutawney Phil, a 127-year-old groundhog, who confidently predicted 6 more weeks of solid winter from his headquarters in Pennsylvania. Moreover, with the almanac, NOAA could have acquired a dozen wholesome and delicious recipes, and Phil, who works for free, could have saved the heavily funded government agency a budgetary bundle! (And they say there’s no way to cut government spending!)
SEE? EASY FIX!
A North Carolina appeals judge has upheld a ban on pro-life license plates, pointing out that the state has not made “pro-choice” plates available. His Honor described this as "blatant viewpoint discrimination squarely at odds with the First Amendment." Okay, WOOF gets this—the argument is about equal availability and parity of expression, and this is easy to fix—it took us only one minute and 27 seconds to make the necessary adjustment to the controversial license plate, and if North Carolina will just produce an equal number of specialty plates (as shown above), we assume everything will be fine.
RIP SHIRLEY TEMPLE BLACK, & FLIGHTS OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST!
She did a lot more to fight the depression than FDR, danced with Bill “Bojangles” Robinson in 4 films, starred in two John Ford movies, made a bunch of other hugely popular pictures, and kept her perspective by declaring "I class myself with Rin Tin Tin." Also of conspicuous merit in WOOF’s eyes: Graham Greene famously hated her. Shirley Temple became an ardent Republican activist in the early’50s, served as Chief of Protocol of the United States and ambassador to Ghana and later to Czechoslovakia. She was married to Conservative businessman Charles Alden Black from 1950 until Black’s death in 2005 and could never bring herself to take his voice off their answering machine. Mrs. Black died at home of natural causes on February 10th at the age of 86. WOOF extends our condolences to her three children, as well as grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and admirers everywhere.
REPORT SUGGESTS TERROR BUSINESS IS BOOMING!
The branch of Al Qaeda allied with the Sunni insurgency in Iraq holds training exercises routinely at their camp north of Baghdad. But Monday they were learning about car bombs when somebody broke with routine and accidentally detonated the explosives, killing two dozen participants and resulting in numerous arrests in the mishap’s smokey aftermath. WOOF’s inquiries to discover whether more exercises of this nature are scheduled in the near future have thus far gone unanswered—details as they emerge.
HOW ABOUT: “THIS MACHINE MESSES WITH MAOISTS”?
Early in Obama’s reign, federal marshals twice raided the Gibson guitar factory in Nashville, claiming laws in India and Madagascar were violated by Gibson’s importation of rare woods. By strange coincidence, Gibson’s CEO is a major supporter of Republican candidates, among them the beautiful and talented Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee. Turns out no laws were broken after all, so Gibson finally got its wood back and proceeded to make guitars mocking the event. The new “Government Series” Gibsons are made from the formerly-seized woods and come with certificates of authenticity. WOOF recalls that Woody Guthrie’s guitar used to say “this machine kills fascists,” but nowadays that would probably constitute grounds for a Secret Service investigation, so never mind.
SANDRA, WE HARDLY KNEW YE!
News item: Sandra Fluke, who flukily gained national prominence by whining to congress that government was deficient in keeping her and her fellow Georgetown University students stocked with birth-control devices, filed recently to run for Democrat Henry Waxman’s soon-to-be-vacated seat in the House of Representative. Sadly, she has now changed her mind. WOOF learned that relatively serious members of the California State Democratic Party persuaded her that the idea was a poor one. Her apparent change of heart, viewed in this context, may represent a prophylactic withdrawal.
NOW WE CAN FEEL GUILTLESS WHEN WE SAY, “HANG COOL TEDDY BEAR!”
We in the cave love it when someone asks us if we like meatloaf, because we always answer, "Yes! But he's never going to beat that first album!" (rim shot) But now we can say it in clear conscience because the Meatster has come out as a conservative! Welcome to WOOF's A-list, Meat Loaf! (Welcome to IRS audits, by the way, but hang cool, brother!)
THAT DOES IT! WE BUILT HER, WE PAID FOR HER, SHE’S OURS, AND WE’RE GOING TO KEEP HER!
No, not the Panama Canal! And WOOF really doesn’t need any unnecessary, added controversy—but darn it, enough is enough. Amanda Knox was found guilty by the Italians, then retried and found innocent, and then, once home, retried and found guilty again. Countries won’t extradite to us because we have the death penalty, so why extradite to countries that have double jeopardy? Besides, Amanda always looked pretty much not-guilty to us!
PADDLE FASTER RACHEL–IT’S CAPITALISM!
When CNBC got really desperate for viewers, it started showing reruns of a reality show called “Shark Tank.” The program has nothing to do with fish—it is all about entrepreneurialism, investing, and making business deals that can return millions of dollars under the guidance of several real-life tycoons. In other words, its about hardcore capitalism—and as such, this ABC retread smashed to 6th place in the cable news ratings, easily beating absolutely everything on CNN and MSNBC except Rachel Maddow, who managed to eke out a modest victory…for now.
HEARING OBAMA SPEAK MAKES HIM THINK ABOUT EXCELLENT SEX!
“I think I've said before that I think a speech by Barack Obama is a lot like sex, the worst there ever was is still excellent,” said Alex Castellanos—no, not the Texas Rangers’ outfielder, the Republican Strategist. And with strategists like Alex to gush over Rappin’ Preezy’s State of the Union Address, how can the GOP ever lose? Oh wait, he worked on the campaigns of Bob Dole and Mitt Romney and is now on CNN—the first two entities came in second, and the last just finished January with the third-worst ratings month in its entire history. So…can we trade Castellanos to the Dems?
DRAG-RACE OUTCOME “SHUT DOWN”?
Flash! The latest gossip on celebrity-smitten websites suggests that Justin Bieber may not have been “drag racing” after all when he was arrested on Thursday of last week and charged with drunkenly pitting his Lamborghini Gallardo LP550-2 Spyder against a Ferrari 16M belonging to rapper “Crazy” Khalil Amir Sharieff. The racers allegedly blazed down 15 blocks of Pine Tree Drive in Miami whereupon police arrested both drivers, and WOOF hopes that these most recent reports lack substance, because if true, they deprive the entire puerile incident of its one opportunity to deliver a significant news item—namely, who won?
HAVE YOU SEEN ANY NEWSES?
Chuck Schumer (D-NY) may have been addressing the Center for American Progress on Thursday, January 23rd, but his fulsomely condescending speech sounded as though he was explaining politics to a room full of five-year olds. Judging from the euphoria he inspired on liberal websites, we gather his talk was pitched at the appropriate level. During his peroration Senator Schumer took pains to lay all of the nation’s current woes at the feet of “Tea Party elites” plus “the Rush Limbaughs,” and “the Fox Newses.” WOOF knows who Mr. Limbaugh is, although we had not previously heard of his cloning. We have no idea who or what Tea Party elites are, nor have we encountered any “Fox Newses.” In fact, we aren’t entirely certain how one spells “newses,” but apparently these newses are bad, and WOOF encourages readers to let us know immediately if they spot one. Tea Party elites are bad also, we infer, and seemingly invisible! But fortunately Senator Schumer believes they can be held in check by a properly empowered and deployed IRS, so there’s a lucky break!
FORMER WOOF PREZ. NOMINEE–BLACKBALLED BY HISTRIONICS
Back when WOOF was still an email-based message service, readers may recall we nominated the beautiful and talented Maria Conchita Alonzo for president (assuming at that juncture that birth certificates no longer mattered). On that occasion Ms. Alonzo had just harangued the communist vulgarian Sean Penn in LAX airport for his support of the now blessedly departed Hugo Chavez. Well, this week, Ms. Alonzo got kicked out of her role in a San Francisco Arts production of “The Vagina Monologues” after she was discovered supporting Tea-Party candidate Tim Donnelly, a California State Assemblyman from San Bernardino. “We really can’t have her in the show, unfortunately,” Eliana Lopez explained. Well, that explains that, all right! Maybe Sean Penn can do it in drag!
THE RIGHT TIME TO ROLL TO J. FRED MUGGS?
NBC News President Deborah Turness, shocked that the legendary TODAY program is losing ground to competitors, has issued memos urging staffers to adhere to her new bywords: “Substance, Uplift, and Connection!” Indeed, this creates a memorable acronym, as is the wont of such memorable bywords—except “SUC” isn’t generally viewed as optimal by staffers upon whom the concept is being urged. Fortunately for NBC, Ms.Turness has the kind of think-on-the-go smarts that deal with such crises at lightning speed. She denounced the “SUC” formulation as “false gossip,” explaining that she had never issued these bywords, emphasizing that the actual words she issued had been: Substance, Connection, and Uplift”! Making the new acronym SCU….any inferences derivable from which, WOOF feels it wisest to leave to our readers.
RIP PHIL EVERLY; AND MAY FLIGHTS OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST!
It saddens all of us here in the WOOF cave to report the passing of Phil Everly, the youngest member of the epochal Everly Brothers. Phil and brother Don Everly smashed into the rock and roll charts during the ‘50s with signature hits like “Wake Up Little Susie,” “When Will I Be Loved?” “Bird Dog” “Bye Bye, Love,” and “Cathy’s Clown.” During the British-invasion 60’s the two brothers (from Brownie Kentucky) did not score as well, but released album after album of soaring R&B, and solid rock including the Album “Gone, Gone, Gone” on which both the title song and their extraordinary reworking of Jimmy Reed’s “Ain’t That Lovin’ You Baby” merited far greater respect than they received. Inside the business, the Everly’s legendary two part harmonies (based largely on diatonic thirds) inspired such upstarts as John Lennon and Paul McCartney of the Beatles, Roger McGuinn and David Crosby of the Byrds, and groups like the the Hollies and the Searchers. Phil capitulated on January 3, 2014, at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, California, at the age of 74. The cause of his death was complications attributed to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and emphysema due to chronic smoking. WOOF unanimously offers it condolences to all members of the Everly clan.
Well, this is embarrassing!
Here’s the deal: A bunch of global-warming scientists sailed to Antarctica to prove the southern ice pack was melting but before they could observe any melting Antarctic ice, they got stuck fast in the Antarctic ice—which wasn’t melting all that much after all. In fact, it’s so thick that ice breakers have not yet been able to get near the imperiled research vessel. But Skipper Chris Turney, a professor of climate change at Australia’s University of New South Wales, kept his cool. It would be “silly” he said, to suggest that he and his 73 shipmates aboard the good ship Akademic Shokalskiy were stuck fast in the very ice they’d come to observe melting. On the contrary, Turney declared, they were clearly caught in a completely different field of ice, evidently of the non-melted variety. On the bright side, so much fossil fuel is being burned by the various Chinese, Australian, and other international rescue vessels currently endeavoring to smash through the ice pack and rescue the Shokalskiy, the ozone layer may resultantly deplete enough to permit a breakout—or is that “silly?” WOOF wouldn’t want to sound silly!
ON GAINING A SENSE OF PROPORTION:
WOOF has never seen “Duck Dynasty,” but we are now big fans of star Phil Robertson who made headlines by skipping out on an interview with Barbara Walters because he preferred to go duck hunting. Walters seemed incredulous, rasping: “I have never been superseded by a duck before,” which is probably true—although she was superseded by a chimpanzee on the TODAY show, so she’s making progress, we think.
POSTMODERN GEOGRAPHY
Congresswoman Ann Kuster (D-NH) invited fellow New Hampshirites to ask her about her August trip to the Middle East this week—and many came. When one asked her about Benghazi, Kuster paused and then said, “I am certainly not here to talk about it," insisting she was only "here to talk about the Middle East." Audience members loudly informed her that Benghazi is, in fact, in the Middle East, and this exchange might have embarrassed the liberal Democrat had a Democratic Party spokesperson not subsequently stepped forward to explain that Libya is not in the Middle East after all. WOOF has been unsuccessful thus far in determining where the Democrats have moved Libya, but will keep readers updated as new facts emerge.
SHOULD OBAMACARE COVER THIS– AT LEAST ONCE?
Tragically, a Colombian man, 66, has been forced to undergo the amputation of his penis following his ingestion of an indeterminate amount of Viagra tablets, each tablet of indeterminate millgramage (it can vary, it seems). Sadly, long after the good times had come and gone, the priapistic conditioned remained and intensified—refusing to correct itself throughout the weekend so that by early Monday inflammation, fracture, and early indications of gangrene were evident. WOOF has it on condition of anonymity from several interns present that numerous desperate efforts were made to shrink the unyielding appendage, including the forced viewing of Mrs. Clinton’s Benghazi testimony in its entirety and a power point slide presentation featuring highlights of Barbara Mikulski’s (D-MD) greatest senate speeches—but even these extreme nostrums failed to reduce the gargantuan appurtenance, leaving Dr. Antonio Correa of Neiva Hospital no choice but amputation. The patient is resting quietly, and, we hope, philosophically in the wake of this trauma—leaving the heedful amongst us to contemplate just how expansively the Savior may have intended that stuff in Matthew 5: 18-30!
HOPE FOR DEAD DOG AND THE DUKE?
Brian Griffin was an aspiring novelist, a dipsomaniac, and a liberal didacticist who was converted (briefly) to conservatism by Rush Limbaugh. He was also a dog. Brian appeared as a regular character on “Family Guy,” an “adult” cartoon series of considerable popularity, until his recent death resulting from being struck by a moving vehicle. Fans of the TV show have begun a petition to resurrect Brian, which petition is now said to bear more than 80,000 signatures. Series producer Seth MacFarlane insists that the Griffin family pooch will remain dead, but WOOF can’t help wondering: if the petitioners succeed in resurrecting Brian, what are the chances it would work on John Wayne?
FOOLS AND THEIR MONEY…
WOOF has learned that Hillary Clinton received 450 thousand dollars for her speech to the Chicago Mercantile Exchange’s Global Financial Leadership Conference last week in Naples, Florida, and may have earned a similar sum for delivering the keynote address for the Greenbuild International Conference and Expo at the Liacouras Center in Philadelphia on Nov. 21st. Now, what could Her Magnificence possibly have said that merits that kind of pay out? We bet Christine O’Donnell would’ve done those gigs for half that price—suckers!!
OVER ONE-HUNDRED MILLION SERVED!
President Obama may have forgotten in all the excitement that the days in which he was able to say anything, no matter how far-fetched or outlandish, and have the press repeat it dutifully as gospel, are on the wane. During a conference call with supporters this Monday, when the discussion turned to Obamacare, the president blithely decreed, “In the first month alone we’ve seen more than 100 million Americans successfully enroll in the new insurance plans.” Wow, Mr. President, that’s almost a third of the population of the country—probably covering all 58 states! And while most of the Liberal Establishment Media have daintily tippy toed around reporting the president’s absurd assertion, not even Chris Matthews has suggested it has any association with reality.
LET THEM EAT CROW?
It started out innocently enough-- just another Al Qaeda publicity video of proud Sharia warriors holding up the freshly hacked-off head of a cursed supporter of Syrian dictator Bashar Assad (of whom Al Qaeda disapproves). But whoopsie daisy—it turns out the boys went and beheaded the wrong guy –the head having been subsequently identified as belonging to fellow terrorist nut job, Mohammed Fares. Seems the beheading went rather rapidly permitting little time to authenticate the head’s identity prior to its removal….but not to worry: Al Qaeda has apologized for the error, explaining that: “Allah will forgive a man who unknowingly cuts the head off a fellow believer!” WOOF concurs with Allah on this one.
ROAD RAVES?
So far only Marylanders know the horrors of Gov. Martin J. O’Malley, a cookie-cutter liberal Democrat who is continuing the socio-economic ruination of the “Old Line State” after its brief respite under the enlightened governance of Robert Ehrlich. But Marylanders weren’t having that and swung left again with O’Malley, earning themselves a raft of new taxes, layoffs, and a gun law that bans 45 types of “assault weapons” while placing onerous strictures on legal gun purchasers. O’Malley isn’t worried about Maryland at this point, he’s building up his dossier for a presidential run in 2016 (guess he hasn’t heard about Hillary). Meanwhile, Maryland’s gun sales soared to record levels ahead of the gun ban, and as this sign from Maryland’s Eastern Shore (forwarded by a loyal Woofketeer whose anonymity we are jealously protecting) shows, Marylanders are not hesitant to express their gratitude to their governor for making AR-15 rifles Maryland's latest craze!
BEST COMRADES FOREVER!
Susan Rice is no longer our ambassador to the U.N., so that’s the good news. How much harm can she do as Obama’s National Security Adviser anyway? So now we have Samantha Power at the U.N., representing all of us here in the United States and just to kick things off on a proper Obaman note, she took center stage at the annual United Nations Global Leadership Awards and launched into a prolonged declaration of her love and admiration for Jane Fonda. Power gushed that she hearts Fonda because, she was “outspoken on behalf of her convictions,” and Power found it “a huge honor just to even briefly have shared the stage with her!” As a postscript to this apotheosis WOOF would respectfully add that for several decades at the U.S. Naval academy in Annapolis whenever a plebe shouted "Goodnight, Jane Fonda!" the entire company replied by shouting, "Goodnight, bitch!" It is a sad commentary on the state of our military leadership that the practice was recently banned.
BENDING OVER FOR BETTER RATINGS!
By the time you read this Al Roker and Matt Lauer will have made television history! Both men are undergoing prostate examinations live on NBC’s TODAY show, ostensibly to promote “men’s health issues,” but actually because ABC’s morning program is now beating TODAY in the ratings. Katie Couric lassoed gigantic ratings when she underwent a colonoscopy on the program back in 1998 so the producers are seeking a similar boost--but isn’t this kind of formulaic? WOOF cannot help thinking that TODAY’s ratings would really skyrocket if, for example, Lauer were to marry Roker live on the TODAY show, or maybe they could all sign up for Obamacare together? We have lots of other ratings-boosting suggestions way better than a couple of mundane prostate exams, so call us NBC! Meanwhile, we await the riveting follow-up segment during which, it is rumored, medical expert Nancy Snyderman explains to a visibly shaken Savannah Guthrie why she can’t have a prostate exam too!
WELL THERE’S YOUR PROBLEM!
Okay, in South Korea last week a man paid a routine visit to his doctor and was told, despite his lifelong convictions to the contrary, that he was a woman. An examination revealed that the gentleman possessed female organs and revealed that his complaint of stomach pain was caused by an ovarian cyst. Yipes! Apparently, all this ramifies from a rare combination of Turner syndrome (when a woman lacks two X chromosomes) and congenital adrenal hyperplasia (which affects cortisol production). Both disorders combined to make the guy appear to be a guy while actually being a woman—got that? We don’t understand it either, but for some strange reason we felt obliged to report it…perhaps to emphasize the importance of regular medical check-ups!
OBAMA VERSUS THE SEALS
Some of you have noticed by now that one of Our Dear Leader’s pouty obsessions is thinking up new ways to mess with the SEALS. They should never have shot those Somali pirates without his express permission—which wasn’t coming, of course. They’ve since been irrationally prosecuted for punching terrorists, crammed aboard helicopters that get shot down, had their operational security blown, and now they have to take off their beloved “Don’t tread on me” patch, which is a replica of the first authorized navy jack from 1776. It will not surprise you that the current administration deems it “too radical.”
SO IS THAT WORTH 328 BILLION PINOCCHIOS, WASHINGTON POST?
While seething at Republicans’ hesitancy to raise the debt ceiling, President Obama reassured Americans by purring to us as follows: "Now, this debt ceiling -- I just want to remind people in case you haven't been keeping up -- raising the debt ceiling, which has been done over a hundred times, does not increase our debt; it does not somehow promote profligacy.” Wow, so how come the debt went higher by the tidy sum of 328 billion dollars the day after Congress raised the debt limit? Must be evil Republicans trying to make our Beloved Leader look like a shameless pathological liar! We’d even allow ourselves the supposition that President Obama really IS a shameless pathological liar, but we don’t want to sound as though we “haven’t been keeping up!”
ICONIC QUIP OF THE WEEK:
"If you think healthcare is expensive now--just wait until it's free!" --Clint Eastwood
IS THERE A PROCRASTINATOR IN THE HOUSE?
The healthcare.gov website has been online for two weeks, but nobody seems to be able to get any healthcare, which is probably okay because they could never afford it anyway—but senior medical correspondent Elizabeth Cohen isn’t giving up! .You may not have heard of Dr Cohen because she works at CNN, but she’s been trying to sign up since day one and still hasn’t managed. "I put in my user name and password and didn't recognize it," she says, while on other occasions she received "Error messages. Page not found. System down. Sudden dumpings from the system after lengthy waits. "I've been trying since day one to get an account and login healthcare.gov," she says. "I failed again ... and again ... and again." But why should any of us sign up for Obamacare, Dr. Cohen? When it works perfectly, it merely provides the IRS with unconscionable amounts of information about us, and quotes us ridiculously expensive prices for unsatisfactory policies. If we all ignore it, it may go away—and the worst that can happen is we pay a fine—and you know, Justice Roberts said the fine was really a tax. And Vice President Biden said it’s patriotic to pay taxes, right? ‘Nuff said!
“My Drone is Quick!”
Forget about “I Robot,” and start thinking more in terms of “I the Jury!” The news now is that the military is working overtime developing a drone that can make its own determinations about whom to kill. This makes the drone less susceptible to hacking, and ensures better judgment than could possibly be forthcoming from anyone in the current administration, well grant you; but it’s still a bit unsettling, isn’t it?
SEXUALIZATION PROTEST HAS HAPPY ENDING
WOOF never heard of British supermodel Hollie-May Saker, but we are now her newest fans. Saker was strutting the catwalk during Paris Fashion Week when she was accosted by a female protester from the French activist group “Femen” who was wearing nothing but slogans in black ink scrawled across her naked body denouncing the sexualization of the modeling industry. The nude protester grabbed and raised Miss Saker’s skirt, and Miss Saker hauled back and punched the protest chick in the nose, decking her. Security scooped up the protester as Miss Saker calmly finished her routine and left the walkway. “I was really worried to come backstage but nobody said anything,” Saker reported.
Seize him! Seize the nonbeliever!!
Robert Small is a research manager for the Dept. of Veterans’ Affairs who showed up at his seven-year old daughter’s school for a COMMON CORE orientation. Small asked how COMMON CORE could claim to better prepare kids for college while lowering educational standards, and was immediately set upon by an off-duty policeman moonlighting as a security guard who dragged him from the room and charged him (rather ironically, in the event) with assault, and disturbing school operations. He could do a maximum of 10 years in prison if found guilty, although video tapes of the event do not show him resisting physically. WOOF doesn’t have all the facts but is prepared to opine that “the police acted stupidly”—as will Baltimore’s school children, once COMMON CORE is fully implemented!
Anthony Weiner not an idiot!
Apparently we have misjudged Anthony Weiner, failed New York City mayoral candidate and serial cyberspacial flasher. Weiner, better known to his sexting partners as “Carlos Danger,” explained the matter to Geraldo Rivera, offering the following painstaking analysis: “If you’re breaking the news here that the scandal and how it came back and the new things that came out … more things came out, yes of course, I’m not an idiot.” Thanks for clarifying that, Mr. Weiner. We’ll revise our views in light of your careful explication. Meanwhile, Rivera confessed on air that he had been an early supporter of Weiner’s mayoral bid, but made no disclaimer akin to the ex-candidate’s.
HOW DO YOU MAKE 2 MILLION BIKERS DISAPPEAR?
You just ignore them—that’s what the Liberal Media Establishment is doing! They don’t see anything at all! Not only have they utterly failed to notice 2,000,000 patriotically pee-ohed motorcyclists swarming the streets of DC, boisterously reaffirming the American ethos, they haven’t mentioned their once-vaunted “Million Muslim March” (which, in the event, comprised about twenty of the usual racialist buffoons), perhaps because it was utterly swept from view by the biker tsunami! But those nattering marplots huddled in the House and Senate can’t ignore the thunder, and there’s nothing like a million-or-two growling Harleys to wonderfully concentrate the mind! Thank you bikers of America! WOOF salutes you, each and every one!
HOW LOVELY TO RECALL!
Two Democratic state-level statists, John Morse and Angela Giron (she the president of the state Senate), were recalled Tuesday, September 10th by voters in Colorado for attempting to abridge the 2nd Amendment! Yayyy!! Now, RINOs in Congress, is anybody getting the hint here that helping the Obama Administration advance its anti-handgun agenda might not have been the way to play this whole business earlier this spring?—like maybe you could have fought it fiercely and won monumental support instead? No? Thought not. Didn’t mean to wake you. Anybody in Colorado figuring out that electing Democrats you have to recall later is not an optimal idea on Election Day? Possibly?
DON’T GIVE UP, BIG GUY! SALVATION IS AT HAND!!!
In 2007 Professor Wieslaw Maslowski (who was using super-computer models of the most advanced type) told the BBC that Arctic ice would vanish by the year 2013. Quick to second this prognostication was Cambridge University’s Peter Wadhams. Professor Wadhams ominously added, “This is not a cycle! Not a fluctuation! In the end, it will all just melt away!” So here we are at year 2013, and a quick check of ice in the Arctic Sea shows a 60% increase over just last year! In fact a million square miles of Arctic ocean are now locked up in solid ice. The United Nations has postponed the release of a three-volume report on Arctic warming, and Al Gore will not return WOOF’s phone calls. Hey, professors Maslowski and Wadhams—if we can’t trust Mother Gaia, who’s left??
HYON SONG’S SWAN SONG!?
Fans of North Korean singing sensation Hyon Song-wol are in shock today at the news that Hyon’s ex-boyfriend, Kim Jong-un, (North Korea’s lovably zany dictator) ordered her killed along with 11 other females, all members of North Korea’s hottest pop groups, the Unhasu Orchestra and the Wangjaesan Light Music Band. Why did the Un-Kim order this group slaying? The charge was pornography, but rumor has it that Little Kim was still hot and heavy with Hyon, and his wife found out and insisted on Hyon’s elimination. The other girls may have been window dressing to give the event greater plausibility (and cut down on the competition). All the girls were toppled by machine gun fire while surviving members of the Unhasu Orchestra, Wangjaesan Light Band, and Moranbong Band provided an audience, along with invited members of the victims’ families, who witnessed their loved ones being gunned down and were then promptly sent to prison camps. Dress, WOOF has learned, was formal. Neither Kim Jong-un nor his wife, attended.
THREE DAYS OF THE SWAN-STORK?
Egyptian authorities yesterday (Aug. 30) said they had taken a swan into custody for espionage. When captured in the Qena Governorate the fowl perp was wearing tell-tale spy equipment and appeared by all reports to be behaving suspiciously. Further inquiry revealed that the electronic device around the bird’s neck was in fact a wild-life tracking gismo of French manufacture, but the French are a shifty lot and Egyptian authorities have not yet released the bird, whose innocence must first be endorsed by a team of Egyptian prosecutors. If this seems overabundantly cautious, bear in mind that it was only three years ago that the Egyptians attributed a series of shark attacks along their Mediterranean coastline to the Israeli Navy. Perhaps strangest of all, the bird depicted in the official Egyptian government mug shot, isn’t a swan at all—it’s a stork! So where’s the swan, Egypt? Get honest or you’ll have to answer to one of America’s most relentless, heartless, and fanatical agencies: PETA!
WHY OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!
Okay, here’s a news item: Untold millions of Americans are busily forwarding to their friends and families a Facebook message raving about the coming “Mars Spectacular” during which the red planet will approach earth so closely (a mere 34.6 million miles) that it will appear to the naked eye to be the size of the full moon! Okay, relax, Mars is a cool 200 million miles away, and it won’t be looming in the night sky as advertized, but our point is—about 87% more Americans are fascinated by this utterly ridiculous hoax than could tell you who Ambassador Stevens was—and that’s why Obama got re-elected and that’s why Benghazi isn’t a national issue and that’s why mosquitoes are spreading the Nile virus! (Okay we lied about that last part, but we may spread it on Facebook just the same).
DEATH BY GLOBAL WARMING–POSTPONED?
Once again all the establishment’s weather experts told us the hurricane season would be outside the norm—and they were right! Except instead of being pounded by mega-storm after mega-storm, we haven’t had any at all. Since increased hurricane activity is a cornerstone of global-warming theory, it seems strange that we’ve had zero hurricanes this season whereas in 1913 we’d had four by now—heck, Obama’s presided over the fewest hurricanes of any president in our history—Grover Cleveland had 26! Obviously Dear Leader is turning back global warming—thanks, Obama!
Or, how about “Omar the Occupier?”
Take a long look at this cartoon mascot for the University of Denver’s Pioneers hockey team, and tell us if you can figure out why he’s now unacceptable as a team insignia. No clue? Well, that’s because you’re stupid! If you were a brilliant and sensitive academician like Chancellor Robert Coombe, you would have immediately recognized the mascot as “a polarizing figure that did not reflect the growing diversity of the UD community, but rather was an image that many women, persons of color, international students and faculty members found difficult to relate to as defining the pioneering spirit.” Coombe and his fellow-travelling faculty consultants tried replacing Boone with “Ruckus” the red-tailed hawk, but they must have eventually brought their brilliant analytic skills to bear on the revolting truth: Hawks are pro-war politicians, and the Red Tail is a Ruger .44 magnum. So the quest is on to find a suitably namby pamby, implicitly anti-American and totally-not-Judeo/Christian cartoon character that can represent the school. WOOF would help UD out and submit our own design for a bisexually androgynous, pacifistic prairie chicken in Gizeh Birkenstocks with an Obama-for-me button on his marsupial bag—but we’re busy designing the flag for Northern Colorado when it splits from these blockheads!
“….But I won’t do that!”
Readers will recall that San Diego’s Democrat Mayor Bob Filner did the politically expedient thing and announced he was “seeking counseling” for his problem—his problem being that he sexual assaults women as the whim takes him. Eleven women have now charged Filner with sexual harassment, and they seem to be only the vanguard. Filner is a liberal, so all he really had to do was go to counseling and let CNN interview him about his miraculous turnaround and resume his career—but Filner bolted counseling yesterday, announcing that he would continue on an out-patient basis. Sure, Bob! Maybe he wants to devote himself to combating the Republican war on women?
LOST DOGGIE FINDS WAY HOME TO FAMILY!
When the Obamas embarked on their latest undeserved vacation, returning to Martha’s Vineyard in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts, they must have forgotten “Bo,” the presidential dog. For whatever reason, “Bo” flew separately to the sumptuous vacation resort, marking the first ever use of the MV-22 Osprey as a presidential conveyance. The cost was astronomical of course, but sequestration can’t keep Bo and O apart, not on your life! But, why the separate flight? WOOF suspects that after the long series of accidents and test-flight malfunctions that marked the early development of the MV-22, Bo was picked to ride in it first in case—well--you know! Fortunately all went well and the Obamas can continue to frolic in vacationland without a care while the country collapses! Good boy, Bo!
Oh, McCain, you’ve done it again!
In case you haven’t had a John McCain farrago to scratch your head over lately—and feel deprived as a result—here’s today’s (Sunday, August 11th) offering. The senator took to the airwaves to complain first that Al Qaida is gaining strength while Obama does nothing to counteract its growth, and second, that Obama has not done nearly enough to finance and arm the rebels fighting Bashar Assad in Syria; the problem being: The rebels fighting Bashar Assad are mainly Al Qaida. John, remember what happened in Libya? Oh, never mind.
CORNYN’S IRS CORKER
On Capitol Hill today the chief of the IRS, Dan Werfel, admitted that he doesn’t want to be on ObamaCare, telling the Ways and Means Committee "I would prefer to stay with the current policy that I'm pleased with rather than go through a change if I don't need to go through that change." Amen! Of course, this sort of hypocrisy is by now commonplace on the Left—but it was Senator John Cornyn’s remark that put the matter in perspective. The Texas Republican evinced sympathy for Werfel’s position, telling reporters that “Nobody—not even the head of the IRS—should be subjected to ObamaCare!”
CUTTING EDGE JOURNALISM!
With all due respect to Ron Fournier, his article in today’s (July 31) National Journal online is entitled “What if Obama can’t lead?” Really, Mr. Fournier? Why, what on earth might have bestirred you to advance such a daring hypothesis? And is your next article going to be entitled, “What if Alger Hiss was lying?”
See? He’s really studying the Federalist Papers!
Okay, WOOF knows a lot of people are upset because President Obama had the nerve to take the podium at the White House waving a 67 year old letter from Ho Chi Minh, the late communist-in-chief of North Vietnam and diabolical opponent of freedom in Vietnam or anywhere else in Southeast Asia. President Obama told bollixed onlookers that the letter showed Ho’s admiration for the Declaration of Independence and the U.S, Constitution. Ever since this jaw-dropper a debate has raged over whether the President is really that dumb, or simply revealing his Marxist roots. WOOF says, look on the bright side! Perhaps Obama’s admiration for Ho will inspire him to take a look for himself at our foundational documents! It could happen!
CARLOS DANGER RIDES AGAIN!
Yes, you know that Anthony Weiner is an unmitigated swine, yes you know he got kicked out of the House of Representatives for tweeting pics of his erection to his followers, yes you know he's running for mayor in NY (where his poll numbers have, predictably, seemed encouraging) and yes you know he got caught "sexting" some more icky stuff--but did you know the name he sex-texts under is "Carlos Danger?" It doesn't really get much better than this, now, admit it!
HANDS OFF OUR GIRL, IRS!!
Anybody who reads WOOF knows that we support Christine O’Donnell for absolutely everything, and ran her unsuccessfully for president in 2012. It now concerns us greatly that our unbridled enthusiasm for this great and great looking American patriot may have contributed to the IRS making her the recent brunt of their oppressive tactics! Yes, this exemplar of American excellence received news recently (from the IRS) that her private tax records may have been breached (presumably by the IRS) but we know our girl, Wooketeers, and Christine will not be intimidated by such hooliganism, no, not for an instant! Strive on, Christine! WOOF is with you all the way!
BUT WE HEAR REUTERS IS HIRING!
In the wake of the Zimmerman verdict an Associated Press reporter, one Cristina Silva, set a new standard for journalistic objectivity, tweeting, "So we can all kill teenagers now? Just checking." This seemed moronic enough that the subversive AP decided to lie about it and went public with the revelation that Ms. Silva “was a temporary AP staffer who hasn't worked for AP lately.” Lately? Well not for a week since her most recent (July 9) AP story went to press—WOOF guesses her being a “former employee” will follow shortly.
The CDC and the Pillar
“Salt” was actually a good movie—you should check it out—but anyway, more to our point, the Center for Disease Control has announced that eating salt turns out to be okay and will not in fact increase your blood pressure. Low intake of salt, moreover, is associated with death, particularly from heart disease! Meanwhile, the latest research suggests a substantial link between Omega-3 fish oil supplements and prostate cancer, according to the newest study from a U.S. team of researchers! Throw out your health food and eat your anchovies! (Wait--do those have Omega 3 in them?) We’re so confused!
VEGGIE TALES!
At a White House event celebrating winners of Michelle Obama’s healthy recipe contest, part of the first lady’s ceaseless efforts to immiserate kids across America under the guise of an anti-obesity campaign, President Obama agreed to take a question from the children. No, nobody asked about Benghazi, but one aspiring media star asked the president to name his favorite food, to which the president smilingly replied, “Broccoli!” We guess he always eats a bunch of it when he shoots skeet while closing Gitmo while balancing the budget during his first term while making sure no lobbyists are in his administration…oh let’s face it, he even lies to little kids!
GASLESS COWS JOIN FIGHT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING!
Did you ever hear that old saying, “Everybody talks about methane gas from cows, but nobody does anything about it”? Well good news, environuts! Tim Flannery, head of Australia’s Target 100 Initiative, a group committed to agrarian environmentalism, is on the job! Tim says that “limiting the flatulent expulsion of methane gases not only has a positive impact on the environment, but also increases productivity of the animals.” It’s a win/win, huh,Tim! So in hopes of cleaning up the environment on the Australian range, Tim and his colleagues are attempting to use genetic modification in order to breed fartless cows. Shows you what the private sector can come up with when you turn it loose, right? To support or learn more about the fartless cow project and other equally inspired initiatives (or to prove to yourself that we didn’t make this up) check out Tim’s plan to fight global warming by producing a better bovine at www.target100.com.au,
A LITTLE MORE TO THE LEFT, CORPSE MAN!
Seen here with head Turk, Recep Tayyip Erdogon, Rappin’ Preezy takes a break from the various scandals he’s enegendered abroad and at home in order to exchange Islamic felicitations with one of the few heads of state who remains willing to be photographed near him. But Allah wasn’t in the mood for outreach, it seems, and it began drizzling rain on the august pates of state. Undaunted, Obama ordered Marines to hold umbrellas over his and the equally exposed pate of his esteemed guest. The resultant sight, of Marine’s obediently sheltering Our Dear Leader, seems startling because regulations specifically prohibit Marines from using the devices while in uniform….and until now, they haven’t. But that’s okay, because CNN’s own Captain Wolf Greg tells us that “it was probably okay this time, because the president requested it…” In the event, however, the photo spoke volumes about the Commander in Chief, who looked every inch the effete, sybaritic dork…though it must be said, a dry one….courtesy of the young corporal with the indefatigable arm!
TV NEWS MAKES YOU SMART!
CBS newsreader Scott Pelley gave a speech at Quinnipiac University in Hamden, Connecticut during which he said of CBS News, “Our house is on fire,” and explained “We’re getting the big stories wrong over and over again….” These thoughts led him to the obvious conclusion. “America is strong,” he told the assembled Quinnipiacians, “because its journalism is strong!” Thanks for clearing that up, Scott!
LET THE OFFENDED SAY “HOW!”
By now everyone knows there are two billboards in Colorado that depict armed American Indians and bear the words: “Turn in your arms. The government will take care of you.” Funny, poignant, and provocative, right? But of course gasping, hyperventilating liberals are denouncing the signs as “offensive and insensitive,” although to whom they are offensive and insensitive remains at issue. The Left insists that they are offensive to “Native Americans” (read: American Indians) but cannot articulate a rationale supportive of the assertion—and therefore a search was conducted for actual American Indians who were offended. So far the actual American Indians who say they are offended are a local lady named Kerri Salazar and a professor at Colorado State University named Irene Vernon. WOOF says, oh really? Media speak with forked tongue. We aren’t buying any of this until we hear official statements from Ward Churchill and Elizabeth Warren!
HELP WOOF SAVE THE CZECHS!
Friends, WOOF does not “tweet” because we think the verb sounds sissy-wissy, and we’re concerned about being zeroed in on by the Regime—and mostly because we haven’t figured out how yet. But our loyal Woofketeers tell us that the tweeting out there has taken a rabidly anti-Czechoslovakian turn since the capture of the surviving Boston bombing suspect. TWITTER is ablaze with sentiments such as “What have we ever done to the Czechs?” “Let’s just nuke the @#$% Czechs” and “He’s not Russian—he’s a Czech!” Now, please help WOOF spread the word—especially those of you who, er… “Tweet” or “Twitter”—help us inform an American people educated by the most purposively inefficient educational system in history that Czechoslovakia (now the Czech Republic, but that’s a long story) is entirely distinct from Chechnya, whence the alleged bombers came—they are no more related than Liberia and Libya, or Namibia and Nebraska—in fact they are two-thousand miles apart. So can we help get that straight out there, people? Now go out and hug a Czech!
WANTED– ON SUSPICION OF ANYTHING!
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? He is wanted by CNN, ABC, MSNBC, Time Magazine, NPR, PBS, CBS News, Reuters, The Daily Beast, Moveon.org, The Daily Kos, and the Associated Press! Age: Old; Race: White; Identifying trait: Angry, sometimes described as bitter and clingy; Religion: Christian; Known associates: The Tea Party--suspected military background; Known crimes: So far none, but he MUST be up to something! REWARD: Sizable, for any information tying anyone of this general description to hate crimes, terrorist actions, or assassination plots! If you see this man, or anyone answering his general description, blowing people up, shooting innocent people randomly, and /or committing other terrorist acts, or even looking as though he may be contemplating any of the aforementioned acts, contact Chris Matthews IMMEDIATELY! The LIBERAL ESTABLISHMENT has suspected this man of the Beltway Sniper shootings (but it was two Black guys) the Fort Hood shootings (but it was a Muslim), the Virginia Tech shootings (but the guy was Asian), the Tucson shootings, (but it was a crazed ultra liberal), the IHOP shooting in Carson City (but it was an Hispanic guy, darn it), the Batman shootings (Occupy Movement member, registered Democrat), and most recently this person was widely rumored to be the culprit in the Boston bombings (now disappointingly known to be the work of dysphoric Chechnyans). But the MEDIA always get their man, citizens, and sooner or later this disgruntled old White patriotic nut is going to take a wrong step, and when he does? That’s when all the above-mentioned components of the Liberal Establishment need your help to nail him! Don’t let Chris Matthews down, don’t leave Ed Schultz gasping in exasperation—help them pin something on this suspect before more innocent, formerly complacent Americans are seduced into the invidious, radical Tea-Party movement! REMAIN ALERT!!
HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
Have any of you readers seen Kim Jong-un, whom we affectionately call the un-Kim? He hasn’t been seen since he addressed the North Korean “parliament” on April Fools Day. He seems to be missing, and this is a big problem because there are no milk cartons in North Korea. Kim is, admittedly, rather short and easily overlooked or mislaid, but WOOF has been concerned about him for over a week now and we can’t spot him anywhere in Pyongyang or its ‘burbs, so we’re getting kind of nervous. Could whoever took him please return him so that he can get on with guiding his country to world dominance? WOOF attempted to contact Dennis Rodman, but he won’t return our calls. So maybe he has him. Do any of you know Dennis Rodman—maybe you could ask him for us? In any case we are calling on all our readers to be on the lookout, especially if you have that Google Earth thing on your computers—keep looking for the un-Kim, okay? We miss you, little dude!
THE BLIND LEADING THE BAN
Did you know Dianne Feinstein has a Siamese twin in congress? Diane DeGette is a liberal congresswoman from Colorado, who just explained during a Denver-Post- sponsored Q&A with the public that the dreaded 30-round magazine now reviled by the Left as the cause of most evil in America, will become rapidly extinct after her ban is voted into place because “"These are ammunition, they're bullets, so the people who have those now, they're going to shoot them, so if you ban them in the future, the number of these high-capacity magazines is going to decrease dramatically over time because the bullets will have been shot and there won't be any more available.” In other words, this simpleton has now spent years specializing in ways to ban an item she thinks is “bullets.” Obviously, magazines are reloadable—when full, they contain bullets. The idea that a gun magazine dissolves after its contents are fired is Looney Tunes. To make matters stupider, DeGellete’s office quickly explained that the Congresswoman had been talking about “clips,” even though she was specifically asked about magazines. Okay, so what? To many, the terms are synonymous (Marines always blame the Army for this) but more properly a clip strips ammo into a magazine. Most clips are also reusable. The surest way to define a clip and/or a magazine is to remember that Diane DeGette could fall over either object and have no idea what tripped her!
THE STREET-WALKING DEAD!
In Zimbabwe, the third-world hell hole formerly known as the nation of Rhodesia, a client was engaged in sexual acrobatics with a hired sex worker at the Manor Hotel in lovely downtown Bulawayo when the prostitute gasped, collapsed, and died. The embarrassed client called the police to report a dead hooker, and a unit was duly dispatched. The young lady was examined by paramedics and pronounced dead at the scene, whereupon her cold, lifeless body was loaded into a metal coffin for transport—but as the coffin was loaded onto a police vehicle in front of a large crowd of staff and guests, the naked prostitute pushed off the lid and leaped from the coffin screaming “You want to kill me!” One bystander told local news reporters, “It was like a movie! People were running away in all directions because we were all convinced that she had died because she was just so cold!” While another unnamed individual of an obviously more spiritual bent, declared “Miracles surely do happen!” No charges were pressed, the paramedics and police withdrew, and the prostitute, who is known as MaNdlo, was escorted from the scene by a group of her co-workers. WOOF loves happy endings!
ALL THE LINGERING ATTENTION SPOILED HIM!
Well, WOOF may have jumped the gun when we reported that Venezuela’s recently deceased Pillsbury-dough Tyrant, Hugo Chavez, was scheduled for immortality in his own pastry display case. The idea was to stuff him and display him publicly like Lenin, Mao, and Ho Chi Minh—but it won’t work according to experts. Hugo kind of lay around too long while his acolytes searched for evidence that the CIA caused his cancer—and he kind of got too ripe for proper embalming. The rolling black outs his energy policies caused didn’t help any in the tropical heat, either. Experts from Russia told Chavez’s supporters that their hero was past his prime, even for a dead guy. So it looks like no pastry case for Hugo—darn! He may have to settle for a tombstone—like so many of his political adversaries and dissident citizens. WOOF also admits disappointment at this unexpected news, as we had always believed that Chavez should get stuffed. Sorry Hugo—you’re just too rotten for immortality!
“GET US OUT OF HERE, MISTER SULU!”
The Annual Gridiron Club Dinner where the President traditionally confronts what in the old days was always an adversarial though pleasantly inebriated press corps, has always been a public event. But the “most transparent administration in history” couldn’t risk it, so Obama lavished praise on a mewing throng of reporters in a private affair with no media coverage permitted—the first time ever that this “lighthearted dinner event” has been taken so seriously. But WOOF’s spies were there and we know this much: When the President finished telling Chris Matthews, David Gregory, Diane Sawyer, Martin Bashir, and assorted additional worshipers how important their “objective reporting” had been to him over the past year, he added –and we swear this is true—“"So I want to thank everybody for not just a wonderful evening -- but I also just want to thank you for the work that you do each and every day. And in the words of one of my favorite Star Trek characters -- Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise -- 'May the force be with you.'" You can’t make this stuff up, beloved readers—the man got Jim Kirk confused with Obi Wan Kenobi! No wonder the country’s a mess! Beam us up, Scotty!
CALLING PAT ROBERTSON!
Okay, so Hugo Chavez, the recently dead but still lovable despotic debaucher of Venezuela is being preserved (like Lenin and Mao), in a glass-paneled pastry case, and already Chavez’s hand-picked junior thug, Nicolas Maduro, who has none of Chavez’s Pillsbury Dough-tyrant charm and is stupid into the bargain, has been sworn into office. (We blinked and missed the election) So WOOF would like to call on Pat Robertson to appear on the 700 Club and say, “Somebody should take this guy out!” because it would be kind of traditional, wouldn’t it? After all, Robertson was right about Chavez, when he made the evidently controversial remark in 2005, even though the Leftist Media called him insane. He’d be equally correct to say it about Maduro, and now he has a track record to stand on! …..Pat?
BETTER DEAD WHEN RED– BUT ADIOS HUGO!
Tragically, President Obama has lost his most immediate and apparent role model in the death of Venezuelan commie despot Hugo Chavez—for in fact Hugo Chavez managed to go from a democratically elected leader to a cult of personality featuring himself as a narcissistic dictator in chief who controlled the press, the media, the senate, and the exchequer of his country with an iron, if chubby, fist. While our own president does his best to replicate these feats each day, WOOF wishes he could learn to be fat and clownish at the same time, for these were Chavez’s redeeming features. Chavez struggled for life for two years after his initial diagnoses, even surviving several Cuban cancer treatments, but lost his fight today, March 5th, in his 58th year. RIP Hugo—although we’re afraid that the next time you smell brimstone, it may not be the effluvium of President Bush at the United Nations podium.
BATMAN JUMPS POND! CAPED VIGILANTE FLEES RISING TAXATION BY RELOCATING TO YORKSHIRE ENGLAND!
Joining the procession of well-to-do Americans who are leaving the country and putting down stakes elsewhere as the Obama tax policies make life in the United States untenable, is the well known crime-fighting vigilante Batman. West Yorkshire police confirmed this fact earlier today acknowledging that the caped crusader caught and handed over a 27 year old burglary suspect in Bradford, England. Police in England are well aware of Batman’s reputation as a serious and ethical crime fighter and gave no indication that they sought to detain or question the Dark Knight—further evidence that Batman’s re-location to England has proved a mutually satisfying arrangement. For the record, sources tell WOOF that Batman comic books and films will continue to portray Batman as an American-based superhero. Experts also point out that Batman will not be available for a knighthood owing to his American birth. Can the rest of the Justice League be far behind? Batman’s “collar” was charged on this occasion with handling stolen goods. His trial will be February 8. It is unknown whether Batman will appear as a witness for the prosecution.
OBAMAS STEAL BEST DIRECTOR OSCAR FROM BIGELOW!!!
YUP! As predicted in our review of ZERO DARK THIRTY--which we wrote without seeing the film, remember?—we predicted that the incredibly talented and highly beautiful Kathryn Bigelow would get gyped out of an Oscar for best director, that “Zero Dark Thirty” would lose for best picture, and that Mark Boals’s fantastic screenplay would be snubbed by the academy—and why? Because Hollywood expected “Zero Dark” to make Obama look like Rambo—and instead the First Marxist didn’t even get a single scene! Oh, the indignation! So the Obama administration nominated ARGO by reliable liberal conformist Ben Affleck—and who showed up to give him his Oscar? Surprise! Michelle Obama! We don’t know about you, Kathryn Bigelow, but WOOF has to go toss its collective cookies! Glrrp! ‘Scuse us!!
John Kerry tweets his pick: ARGO for best-picture oscar! Arrrghh!!
Hi-yahhh! Seen above exchanging karate moves, John Kerry and Ben Affleck are long-time bffs. And as if the Obama Regime isn’t already enough of a show-biz proposition, we now have the Secretary of State calling in Oscar recommendations! WOOF hasn’t seen ARGO, but that’s not important now--as a follow up to plugging the movie during his Capital Hill testimony last month, John Forbes Kerry (who served in Vietnam) is reporting for duty as a media critic, tweeting "Good luck @BenAffleck and #Argo at the Oscars. Nice seeing@StateDept & our Foreign Service on the big screen." REALLY, John? If it’s that much of a thrill how come the President couldn’t show up to watch his Ambassador get raped and murdered on the big screen in the Situation Room during Benghazi? Oh well—mustn’t get overwrought—it’s only John Kerry, and he’s not even in the movies!
ANNA YOU’RE A BAD, BAD GIRL! BUT WE MISS YOU, SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Happy Birthday, Anna Vasil’yevna Kushchyenko Chapman, you naughty Red spy queen! Yep, it’s your Spetznaz day, Anna-- 23 February! Now, WOOF doesn’t believe the Obama-is-gay rumors, but we wonder why he continues to aid and abet Communist spies in their efforts to grab our secrets at the Ames Research Center (see story) while in 2010 he had the inexplicable insensitivity to deport you—the best face of Russian espionage ever! Where’s the compassion?? Neutralized by exposure and perfectly safe to retain in the USA, off you went to Moscow! Well, WOOF misses you, Anna Chapman! You are a bad, bad girl, but WOOF certainly wishes you a happy 31st!
MAN, HE’S SO STUPID WE BET HE CAN SEE CUBA FROM HIS HOUSE!!
NEWS FLASH: a doctor suspected of providing free trips to the Dominican Republic to prominent ranking Democratic Senator Robert Menendez (NJ) had his house raided by the FBI last week-- the latest in an investigation of allegations that the New Jersey Senator likes to patronize under-age prostitutes in the Dominican Republic—heard about this? Not if you watch any major news network other than FOX—it just isn’t all that important. MSNBC has not reported on the matter, period. NEWS FLASH: Marco Rubio took a drink of water during a speech he gave on Tuesday evening. CNN played the video with a graphic reading “CAREER ENDER?” while an even more outraged MSNBC played the tape of this devastating faux pas 155 times. Addendum: Media experts continue to assure WOOF that the American news media are not biased to the left. (So relax!)
General MacArthur; please call your office!
As you are well aware, we trust, North Korea tested an A-bomb last Tuesday about half the size of the one dropped on Hiroshima. It worked fine. The North Koreans announced that this was part of a process intended to “wipe out the brigandish US imperialists and South Korea puppet army to the last man and thus accomplish the historic cause of national reunification." President Obama took instant action, stating that the United States would "continue to take steps necessary to defend ourselves and our allies." Feel better? Not to be outdone, UN Ambassador Susan Rice when asked if strong UN action was planned, sighed, “We'll do the usual drill." Hmmm. Well, not to worry—WOOF has learned that President Obama promised to employ “tough diplomacy” to “end the threat of North Korea” and eliminate its nuclear program! Problem being, he promised to do this while running for office back in 2008—so we guess those North Koreans turned out to be tougher than anticipated, huh, Mr. President?
OMG, WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!?
Okay, Pope Benedict (who is okay with WOOF, just so he knows we’re all good) announced his resignation on February 11, and VOOM! Lightning hits St. Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican! Unsettling? Ya think? You know what’s even more unsettling? The prophecies of the Irish saint Malachy, the 12th century bishop of Armagh, that’s what! Malachy prophesied there will be only one more pope after Benedict, and during his reign comes the end of the world. And this Malachy guy was Irish, gentle readers, so he probably knew something! Just sayin’
Don’t get the Chicoms all wei-weied up, Elton!
Sir Elton, are you trying to infuriate the Left, or just trying to be free or something? First you play Rush Limbaugh’s wedding, and now you get all but run out of Red China for dedicating a concert to Ai Weiwei, the outspoken artist/dissident who recently underwent two months of arrest without charges in Beijing, (as the Left now calls Peking). Listen Elton, we’re all for you, personally, buddy—but you have to remember these cool cats who speak truth to power in Communist slave states come over here, and they start acting like conservatives. Didn’t the Left learn its lesson from Solzhenitsyn? Just warning you! Now we hear that Bjork ended a concert in China by yelling “Tibet!” And that was smart, because nobody on the Left would ever consider doing a damn thing for Tibet except putting it on a bumper sticker, so it’s cool! And did you hear that culture minister, Cai Wu, asserted that because of you, “only stars with university degrees should be allowed to play in China in the future”? See, there’s a Commie who knows where his real friends come from! Just friendly advice, Elton, stick with freeing Tibet—it’s harmless and Leftist-approved. WOOF really likes you, man—we don’t want you under suspicion with the jet set! Oh, and, tell Rush we need money, okay? Our bailout never showed up!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN DEERE!
Woof shouts Happy birthday to John Deere! In 1837 John invented the self-scouring cast steel plow and was soon doing hugely successful business from his headquarters in Moline, Illinois. As the success of “the plow that broke the west” soared to unimaginable heights, this former blacksmith, who lacked much in the way of formal education, went on to develop the commercial front mower, the compact utility tractor, the ZTrak zero turn mower, the 1600 Series II Turbo wide-area mower and of course the popular Compact Series Gator Utility Vehicles. John’s company is now a global concern marketing products in 160 countries and making 10 billion dollars in sales annually. What a guy! Happy 209th John—keep those baseball caps coming, too, okay?
RIP BARNEY BUSH, AND FLIGHTS OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST!
It is with considerable sadness and regret that WOOF must report the passing of Barney Bush, the Scottish Terrier who held the Whitehouse together for eight years, seven of which were economic boom times despite the depredations of terror and ongoing war. Barney succumbed to lymphoma after a prolonged battle, and will be remembered fondly by WOOF as a chipper and loyal companion to the Bushes who bore up sanguinely during those stressful years despite rumors connecting him with the New World Order and Big Oil, a well known personal conflict with Bush political adviser Karl Rove (who once called him “a lump”), and accusations from elements of the fringe Left that he was secretly a reptilian, and/or an executive of Halliburton with hidden accounts in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. Barney’s passing was reportedly peaceful, and funeral arrangements will be private and restricted to family members and close friends. Goodbye, Barney old sport—you will be missed!
HIGH CAPACITY MAGAZINES–SAFER THAN TOYS MADE IN CHINA!
The Liberal capacity for vilifying mute objects seemed to have peaked with news reports of people killed not by reckless drivers, but by SUVs, anthropomorphized into homicidal entities. But now we have Claire McCaskill, (D-MO) who decided to do her bit for the struggle against the 2nd amendment by telling Joe Scarborough (failed conservative radio broadcaster) on his MSNBC morning program, “I don’t know many moms who want 30-round clips around their babies!” Wow, you know, that’s very true, Claire! And come to think of it, we don’t know too many moms who want can openers or bags of noodles or composition notebooks around their babies—or—or—snow shoes! Or pocket calculators! I mean, why would you? But the idea that a baby could somehow be injured by a 30-round clip is a whole new level of sinister. Is it that all good liberal moms want nice seven-round clips around their babies? Or is Claire McCaskill unaware of the fact that 30-round clips don’t unilaterally shoot babies? That pencil in Claire’s mouth is more dangerous to a baby than a 30-round clip—and you know what else, Claire? An abortionist is way more dangerous! Just sayin’!
So we’re guessing Dachau was actually a pizza joint, is that about right?
Morsi update! Hey, who’s more fun than Mohammed Morsi, right? We even enjoyed him when Reuters and the AP changed his name briefly to Mursi. Anyhoo—know what that scamp has done now, while his army continues to mow down rioters in his streets? (In the Arab Street, get it?) Why, his government minister (the one whose in charge of appointing and/or shooting all the Egyptian newspaper editors currently) came out and let everyone know that there was never any Holocaust! Relieved? Well we at WOOF sure are! Guess we can cancel worldwide Holocaust Remembrance Day, which just happened to coincide with the announcement. Turns out that 6 million Jews just packed up and moved to the USA with the evident good wishes of Heinrich Himmler and the entire Third Reich! Turns out this was an American intelligence scheme! Apparently nobody Stateside noticed the sudden influx of six million European Jews in the early 1940’s, possibly because they were disguised as WPA workers? Well—nice to know we are rushing 200 top-of-the-line Abrams battle tanks and a flock of F-16 fighters to the Morsi government! They have a lot of protesters to kill! And WOOF will let you know if any of the Nation’s razor-sharp, eagle-eyed news journalists should happen to ask the President about this--- like as if that’s ever going to happen!
“I GUESS SOMEONE SHOULDA STOPPED THE FIGHT AND TOLD ME IT WAS HER!”
There is a probably-apocryphal story, fueled by a fabulous Warren Zevon tune, that when Boom Boom Mancini accidentally killed opponent Duk Koo Kim in a 1982 title match, he finally wearied of hearing what a noble, indispensable young contender Kim had been and snapped, “I guess someone shoulda stopped the fight and told me it was him!” Well obviously somebody should have stopped the fight and told RAND PAUL that it was Hillary “Her Magnificence” Clinton, because the Left is currently unhinged over his treatment of the outgoing Secretary of State. Barbara Boxer pouted that she had to leave the floor while Rand spoke, because, she was so furious. (It should only happen more often!) Carl Bernstein, who gave up investigative journalism years ago in exchange for flaking for corrupt liberals, thundered that Her Magnificence’s critics were “partisan tormenters” and “pygmies” compared to Clinton. You just don’t criticize Hillary like that inside the beltway—as most of the Republican panelists understood, they being content to ooze fulsome kudos at Her Magnificence in unctuous harmony with their Democrat counterparts. Not Paul—he told the disgraced Secretary that if he had been President and she had failed to read the cables she claimed not to have read, he would have “relieved her of her post.” Well, you would have thought Joe McCarthy just called General Zwicker a disgrace to his uniform! Oh, the temerity—oh, the sheer effrontery of the man! Oh, the yelping of the Leftwing Media Machine as it seeks to vilify Paul for showing that dread combination of guts and probity so despised by the Left! Lord save us all from such incivility…except of course when it’s directed at Rand Paul by the gasbags of the state-controlled media!
It’s not the tomato that kills…..
Things haven’t been this weird in New Rochelle since Dick Van Dyke moved out! Some low down hombre has damaged approximately 20 cars by bombarding them with fruit! According to the subversive CBS News affiliate in New York, the mysterious marauding miscreant has hurled papayas, pineapples, and even pumpkins at traffic, hitting nine cars only today, Sunday! While pumpkins are not actually fruit, they being more of gourd-like squash, the basic idea seems to be creating enough destruction to persuade the assemblies of various New York counties to ban fruit—possibly even all produce that weighs over a certain amount. WOOF goes on record here and now as cautioning against overreaction. It’s not going to solve anything to criminalize pineapples. Stiffer laws against assault with deadly pawpaws are needed here, and fast! Copy cat fruit hurlers may be inevitable if swift action isn't implemented at once!
POINT OF ORDER!!!
Delegate Joe Morrissey, (D-Highland Springs), decided to do his Dianne Feinstein impression for his colleagues in the Virginia House of Delegates. He pulled out an AK-47 and began waving it around while caterwauling that Virginians were free to own such weapons, which fact he decried for all the usual reasons. Perhaps noticing that the House was filled with school groups and other visitors in the chamber's gallery, Delegate Todd Gilbert (R-Woodstock) interrupted with a point of order: He asked Gilbert to take his thumb out of the trigger guard! Love ya, Todd Gilbert!!
MELVIN PURVIS PLEASE CALL YOUR OFFICE!
Hot on the trail of Arab evildoers, the FBI has arrived in Tripoli to begin an investigation into last year's killing of U.S. ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans in Benghazi. No less a person than FBI director Robert Mueller arrived Thursday to begin sniffing out evidence in the now-nearly-five-month-old attack. Bureau insiders tell WOOF that preliminary findings at the scene seem to suggest that the rocket-and-mortar assault on the Ambassador’s safe house may in fact have been the work of Al Qaeda militants rather than a grass roots uprising of normally peaceful locals incensed by a 14-minute video none of them ever saw, as previously maintained by the administration. WOOF’s informants inside the Bureau report that no trail ever grows too cold for its agents to crack a case and that a full and detailed summary of events will be forthcoming from Director Mueller as soon as a Jack Lew, David Axelrod, and the President tell him what it’s supposed to say. Meanwhile, WOOF absently wonders-- where is Melvin Purvis when we need him?
Maybe they DID save Hitler’s brain!
Did any of you lose a shipment of 18 human heads? Because they’ve got them down at Chicago’s O'Hare Airport. They seem to have flown over from Rome, but they were apparently being returned from Italy after originally coming from Illinois. Nobody at this point seems real sure about whom they belong to, you know, literally or from a chain of custody standpoint, and problems with their paperwork are holding up a determination—after all, how can heads be expected to write legibly? WOOF is pretty sure that this has something to do with Rahm Emanuel, or possibly some secret sect of neo-Nazi mystics living under Lake Michigan—but if any of you knows the full story, drop us a line! And pick up your heads, okay? Lufthansa’s had them since a week before Christmas, and they’re getting a little antsy. The Airline, not the heads—they’re embalmed.
DOES NOT COMPUTE, RON!
Texas congressman Ron Paul warned journalists at a National Press Club luncheon that they could be “next” on President Obama’s “kill list” if they weren’t careful. His point, obviously, was that the nation’s reporters and journalists should be more concerned about the constitutional rights of the citizenry and less docile in their unanimous obliviousness of every outrage the Administration perpetrates against American principles; but nobody got his point because he didn’t phrase his thoughts convincingly. He asked the room, “Can you imagine being put on a list because you’re a threat?” And obviously none of the media drones in attendance could imagine it. Heck, WOOF can’t even imagine it. A threat to the Obama Administration? The American media? John Lennon probably couldn’t imagine that!
NOT GUILTY SHOCKER IN GREGORY CASE!
Not since that part in 'The Fountainhead' where Howard Roark was found innocent of blowing up his own building (of which he was clearly guilty) because Ayn Rand wrote him such a moving speech, has WOOF been so shocked by a legal decision! Of course, WOOF is kidding. The least surprising thing that will happen this year may be David Gregory, NBC’s resident gadflea,NOT being charged after he flouted DC’s gun laws by carrying a HIGH CAPACITY MAGAZINE onto the set of “Meet the Press”! No, if you are part of the Ruling Class, you walk. DC Attorney General Irvin Nathan acknowledged that Gregory broke the law, but in a long blast of forensic sophistry said essentially that it was okay because he was-- get this-- promoting the first amendment. Nathan then went for the big laughs by adding that not charging Gregory was “a very close decision.”
GLOBAL WARMING THREATENS PANDAS; COLD COMMIES NEED OUR HELP!
The sight of freezing panda bears is now common in China! No sooner did GLOBAL WARMING freeze Russia at levels unheard of since the early ‘40s, than Red China chilled out with its coldest winter since 1984! Snow and ice have cut power, closed roads, and shut down airports. Northeast China is experiencing temperatures as low as they’ve been in at least 43 years. Ice is now firmly spread across most of China, the Bohai Sea, Laizhou Bay, and all major cities—and forecasters are calling for conditions to worsen. Regardless of your political convictions, WOOF strongly encourages you to go out and start your SUVs. Even if you don’t own an SUV, get in a gas powered car and drive somewhere, or just run your lawn mower or weed eater. In the battle to warm the surface of the planet for all the people suffering in this veritable ice age, Americans should put politics aside and start their engines! As environmentalists have repeatedly assured us, we are the world’s biggest producer of fluorocarbons, so it’s up to us to save earth! C’mon America, get out there and join WOOF in “driving for pandas!” It’s up to America to warm the earth, and with enough fossil fuel we can make it happen!
Hillary’s head traumatizes Tina Brown
Wow, no sooner does Tina Brown destroy Newsweek Magazine (all right, it was a mercy killing, but rational editorial policy might’ve orchestrated a death with dignity, at least) than she is ululating her tearful relief that Hillary Clinton was preserved unto us by a merciful Providence. Hillary had a blood clot in her head reduced and eliminated, but Brown is wringing her hands in praise and relief as though the lame duck Secretary of State survived a bunker bomb, gasping, “The idea of losing Hillary…seemed especially unbearable at this political moment. It’s as if she has become, literally, the ship of state!” Really? The ship of state? And literally, no less? We must have been hospitalized with a brain clot when Hillary so distinguished herself—last we heard she was covering up her criminal negligence in Benghazi by blaming a movie. But Tina wasn’t finished! Regarding John Bolton, who had the temerity to express skepticism regarding Clinton’s suspiciously convenient infirmity, the former Newsweek Editor ranted, “What a disgrace that John Bolton and his goaty Republican ilk accused Her Magnificence of inventing a concussion to get out of testifying at the Benghazi hearings. Bolton is not fit to wipe her floor with his mustache!” Say, maybe Newsweek died of embarrassment. Meanwhile, we’re calling Hillary “Her Magnificence” from now on—we like that! …But is “goaty” a word?
THE LUMMOX SELLS OUT
Remember when Albert Gore (the “big lummox” as his former masseuse called him) premiered his CURRENT TV station with great fanfare and much excitement on the Left? And then absolutely nobody watched—and when they hired Keith Olbermann nobody watched; and when they hired Eliot Spitzer (former Governor of New York, best known “john” of call girl Ashley Dupré, and failed CNN host) even fewer people watched. Gore should have hired Miss Dupré, obviously—we mean to host television shows-- but the obvious has a way of eluding the big lummox. Well, today Al’s project to bring global-warming and liberal-political enlightenment to the masses sold itself, and the really fun part? The buyer is Al Jazeera, the Arab “terrorist network” as many call it—but whose money looks as good to Al and his partners at this point as anyone else’s. Say how come CURRENT TV didn’t get a bail out? It could’ve switched to solar power and never lost a single viewer! But the encroachment of Al Jazeera on these shores is being hailed as widely by Liberal pundits as was the launching of CURRENT TV back in 2005. Cathy Rasenberger, a media adviser to the Qatar-based Arab network, insists that “There’s a major hole right now that Al Jazeera can fill. “ And WOOF certainly agrees wholeheartedly with that assessment!
WHY DOES FACEBOOK HATE THIS MAN??
Boy, Facebook must hate Mohandas Gandhi! No sooner had “Natural News” posted a quote by the famous East Indian pacifist than their account was suspended and they were issued a “final warning” that such behavior violated Facebook’s “community standards” and would not be permitted. So why do you hate Gandhi, Facebook? Was it his advice to Jews to commit suicide, or to the British to surrender to Hitler (whom he wrote “Dear Friend” letters to) that turned you off? Or his letting his wife die of infection rather than contaminate her body with British antibiotics? Is it because Joseph Lelyveld’s 2011 biography revealed he was bisexual? Heck, all “Natural News” did was post Gandhi’s quote to the effect that, "Among the many misdeeds of British rule in India, history will look upon the Act depriving a whole nation of arms as the blackest." Say, you don’t think it could have been his anti-gun-control position do you? After all, if Facebook took down a website just because it revealed that Gandhi was pro gun, what will it do if it finds out the Dali Lama said “If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun” (Seattle Times, May 15, 2001)? Oops!
Breaking bad in DC: Dumb gun laws are too strict, huh, David!
David Gregory who was so snotty at Bush-era pressers that NBC promoted him to being snotty on "Meet the Press" was snottily brandishing a high capacity magazine during his rant at NRA prez Wayne LaPierre, announcing that it held 30 "bullets" which is how liberals say cartridges. It transpires, however, that it is a crime to possess such a magazine in murder-riven Washington DC and there is now a petition to have Gregory sent up the river! Of course, David is a treasured member of the ruling class, so he isn't going anywhere except to his next cocktail party, but if you want to have a giggle at the expense of media's newest bullying wimp (Olbermann being MIA for now) you can check out the petition at the White House website at https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petitions and you can vote to impeach Dianne Feinstein and deport Piers Morgan while you're there!
DADDY WARBUCKS, PLEASE CALL YOUR OFFICE!
Tired of hearing about the recovery, and how we used to be in a recession? Tired of being lied to about consumer confidence rebounding in response to the First Marxist’s re-election? Well, somebody at the subversive AP had too much eggnog and let this slip into print: U.S. holiday retail sales this year were the weakest since 2008, “when the nation was in a deep recession.” Christmas hasn’t helped, with dismal numbers out Tuesday indicating a lifeless economy unaided by increases in holiday purchasing.. The Associated Press quotes Marshal Cohen of the NPD market research firm as saying that, “In the end, even steep last-minute discounts weren't enough to get people into stores.” Yes, after four full years of steady recovery as reported by nearly every major news service, network, and daily paper, the economy continues to suck silt. But major tax increases and socialized medicine are coming to the rescue, America! Yikes!
We just hope Dr. Miguelito Loveless doesn’t hear about this!
Last Wednesday Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Georgia) reminded us all of the importance of political correctness in choosing our words. He made an analogy about midgets fighting a giant—the precise context doesn’t matter because nobody cared—but it got interesting the next day when he returned to the House floor to apologize, saying: “I had never heard of the “m” word … it’s a word also that describes a group of people and it, at one time, has been commonly used as a descriptive term…But to my discovery, just within the last 12 hours or so, I have found that the use of the ‘midget’ — oh, excuse me, the use of the “m” word — is no longer socially acceptable.” Well, thank Heaven we cleared that up! From now on whenever we hear anybody say Hank Johnson is a mental midget, we’re going to step forward assertively and say, “Excuse me, I believe the correct word is munchkin!” WOOF ALERT recipients will also remember Johnson as the environmentally-conscientious blockhead who solemnly expressed his concern to the House Armed Services Committee back in 2010 that sending too many Marines to Guam might cause the island to “tip over and capsize.”
WHAT WOULD “SEEGAR” DO?
Christmas postscript: WOOF notes that vigilance is unserious nowadays, and becoming more so. In 1958 the North American Air (now Aerospace) Defense Command was established to sweep the skies with massive radar systems and provide early warning of Red aggression to Curtis LeMay’s SAC bombers. After the Cold War pretended to be over, NORAD began multi-tasking—looking for drug smugglers and terrorists stealing airliners, and so on… and now we learn that NORAD spent Christmas Eve fielding 112.000 phone calls from kids, wanting to learn the exact position of Santa Claus. Apparently each Christmas NORAD updates children regarding the whereabouts of the jolly old elf. What are these people thinking? What resources are tied up tracking Santa Claus that are needed for less frivolous sky searches? Those callers can just wait for Santa like everyone else—they don’t need to clog up the tracking technology at NORAD! What next? Will the Air Force send out cookie recipes and baggies of reindeer food? Stop this foolishness, NORAD, and get back to looking for trouble! You have enough on your plate making sure those atheistic commie rats don’t clobber us on Christmas Eve! Let’s put the LeMay back in Christmas, shall we???
REVERSING GUTHRIE? LIBERALISM TALKS, THE DO RE ME WALKS!
That rascally Jerry Brown, what a Governor! He went and pushed through the highest tax increases folks can remember in old California, on account of folks making money just gotta bail out everyone sitting around, and that’s only fair, right? But Californians making over 250,000 per year are up and leavin’ for states with sane governors, an’ that’s scaring the heck out of them revenuer folks, ‘cuz when the only ones left are the folks just sittin’ around, who’s gonna pay for their food, electricity, drugs and wine coolers? Looks like Woody Guthrie had California just about figured backwards, don’t it? Like, his song shoulda gone: “Believe it or not /you won’t find it so hot /if you DO have the do-re-me!” Sorry Woody—times is changed!
FROZEN RUSSIAN, ANYONE?
News Item: Russia is enduring its most brutal winter in over 70 years (even if you don’t take the Nazi invasion into consideration). Temperatures have dropped to minus 50 degrees Celsius, killing dozens and hospitalizing hundreds. WOOF realizes that because Global Warming is not a falsifiable theory, the weather in Russia must, like all weather trends, result from it. We hereby invite Al Gore, Phil Jones, and/or Bill Nye the Snarky Guy to get in touch with us, and submit a learned treatise on why, if our planet has a fever, the Ruskies aren’t feeling any relief? We’re here for you, Albert! Phil? Bill? Anybody?
“PLUS CA CHANGE, PLUS C’EST LA MEME CHOSE, N’EST-CE PAS?”
Back in 1808 Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr coined that phrase, meaning “the more things change, the more they are the same”—and what greater proof than the sight of two of Communism’s most beloved and infallible helmsmen, separated by almost 50 years of history, both supernally detached from their respective nations’ economic and political miseries, both effortlessly demonstrating the transcendent mindset of the unblemished philosopher/mandarin devoted to the pursuits of serene self-evocation and perfect relaxation of spirit amid the worldly caterwauling of the hoi polloi. Thus is true greatness evinced, comrades, is it not so? Actually, come to think of it, Mao wrote a poem after swimming in the Yangtze—and Obama has yet to provide one, after thrashing around in the surf on Oahu, but we have faith! Oh beloved Barrack, divinely guided pilot of our fates, we await your next pronouncement, expectant with the realization that—it could be verse!
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