WOOF thanks its special SCIENCE & THE PARANORMAL editor, the irreplacable Grayson Moseley Straith, for the painstaking care and expert insights he brings to this menu selection despite recurrent bouts of dypsomania and the occasionall Schneiderian first-rank auditory hallucination. Thanks for being here, Grayson!
ROVER ENIGMA LINKED TO OBAMA MARS MISSION?
THE PANDABOT CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!
To reference thigh-slappers routinely spouted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) in WOOF BITES would so nearly resemble shooting fish in the proverbial barrel, WOOF has resisted until now—but during one of Ocasio-Cortez's most recent mind-numbing town-hall rampages, she explained to an entirely receptive audience that the New Deal was so popular that “They” (meaning the rascally Republicans) “had to amend the Constitution of the United States to make sure Roosevelt did not get re-elected!” Obviously, Franklin Roosevelt, who died during his 4th term in 1945, was unavailable for comment when a majority of Democrats passed the 22nd amendment in 1947; but just as obviously--if AOC is correct—nobody was taking any chances!
Happy 94th birthday, James Earl Carter---actually, we never liked you enough to call you Jimmy, even though you kept telling us to. But we’re glad you aren’t dead, even if we’d be gladder if some other presidents weren’t dead—but everybody says that even though you were the second worst president (and the worst until 2009) you are still a really good person because you nail together homes for poor people, and write books. Sure, we were upset about the antisemitic ramblings in that book you wrote a few years ago, but it turned out you plagiarized the material, so we guess we can’t blame you for it. Your pro-Hamas rants against Israel also seem more infrequent of late. But a spokeswoman for the Carter Center said today that “Both President and Mrs. Carter are determined to use their influence for as long as they can to make the world a better place,” so we guess we shouldn’t let our guard down, right? Anyway, happy birthday, Mr. Carter. Mazel tov!
According to a recent survey, about 3 out of 5 millennials' (58%) feel life is more stressful “right now than ever before.” Top stressors contributing to their unprecedented trials and tribulations include dying phone batteries, broken phone screens, check-engine lights coming on, job interviews, and slow WiFi. Having absolutely no sense of history was not listed among the top 20 most disconcerting phenomena contributing to their record levels of angst, but why would it be? History happened before they were born!
Reports from Russia indicate snow in places like Pervouralsk, Kemerovo, and even Moscow, has turned green just in time for Saint Patrick’s Day. The green snow reportedly results from chemicals produced by area factories. Ungrateful residents seem to take a dim view of this clever use of pollution, blaming President Putin’s environmental policies. But here at WOOF we say: “Faith and begorrah, Vladimir! What a great way to treat all of Mother Russia to a great big Shamrock Shake!” Sadly, President Putin’s approval rantings have plunged to an unprecedented 33% since he turned the snow green. We guess no good deed goes unpunished!
Record low temperatures, snows, and windchills, have occurred more and more recently, but Global Warming experts tell us that a)”It’s because of global warming!” (in defiance of the scientific principle of falsifiability, but whatever) and b) It’s cold where we happen to be, but actually much warmer everywhere else. As of this week, however, it is certifiably colder than almost ever (within that scant stretch of time for which records exist), and almost everywhere! While Warmests scramble to recoup their meteorological mojo. WOOF continues to urge readers to ignore the globalist climate cons and fight the big freeze! Keep running those SUVs burning that coal, driving as much and as often as possible, breeding flatulent cattle and increasing your carbon footprint in any way you can! Get a gas-and-oil fueled chain saw and cut down at least one tree. This planet can still be saved, but the tipping point is inconveniently near!
BOMBSHELL: Special counsel Mueller and his indefatigable team of sleuths are taking their investigation of Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia in an unexpected direction! Apparently, Russia has infiltrated the National Rifle Association! CNN reports “the special counsel's team [is] curious to learn more about how Donald Trump and his operatives first formed a relationship with the NRA and how Trump wound up speaking at the group's annual meeting in 2015, just months before announcing his presidential bid.” Wow! Where’s there’s smoke, there’s fire, we always say! WOOF has long preached that Russia remains dangerous and subversive, but even we—and we’re McCarthyites, for gosh sake—never suspected that Vladimir Putin’s agents had suborned the NRA. We encourage Robert Mueller and his $25 million (so far) crew of Red Hunters to spare no effort exposing every single Russki or “fellow traveling” apparatchik currently on the payroll or Board of this once trusted, once pro-American organization—now, evidently, functioning as a cut-out proprietary of Moscow’s Foreign Intelligence Service (SVR). To paraphrase Joseph Welsh (famous American jurist and thespian, circa 1953) “Let’s have them out of town by sunset, Mr. Mueller!”
Woofketeers: Meteorologists predict record low temperatures around the nation this Thanksgiving—thus a season of celebration and gratitude threatens to become a time of painful cold and icy disillusionment for many Americans and undocumented aliens whose portion of the American Dream is inadequate to shield them against the nightmare cold. While goals for planetary warming have failed to match scientific predictions, settled science continues to tell us that our manmade efforts are the surest means of speeding its arrival-- making your voluntary participation more important than ever. So please pitch in! Don’t walk anywhere you can drive. Encourage friends and family to take separate vehicles to seasonal celebrations, and if you can afford the gasoline, leave your cars, SUVs, and other fossil fueled technologies running constantly. Let’s all try to make this a safer and healthier holiday for everyone!
The indispensable Theodore Dalrymple caught a New York Times “journalist,” (whom he insensitively labelled a “silly woman”) reporting as she “gazed in awe” at the modern buildings erected in the midst of Paris, that she was smitten by how “ugly-beautiful” they are. Dalrymple correctly notes that the buildings (see photo) are NOT ugly-beautiful, they are "ugly, without any aesthetic qualification, and grossly dysfunctional to boot.” He goes on to opine (with no hint of contravention hereabouts, at least) that the Times reporter is simply fearful of “making an unequivocal judgment that might cause her to be branded conservative, backward-looking, or naïve.” WOOF’s concerns here are for the Left, which has yet to invent a cognate of sexism, able-ism, looks-ism (it’s a thing), etc., to employ as a bumper-sticker epithet denouncing critics of their ridiculous architecture; thus we generously offer “building-ism” for immediate adoption. Doing so will save liberals from the obviously impracticable challenge of arguing such matters with Dalrymple—allowing them the option of just calling him a name. WOOF is always trying to help!
Sharks, it seems, don’t respond to community organizing. After a shark ate a swimmer this September, the Cape Cod resort of Wellfleet held a community forum “to secure the safety of their beaches,” but solutions proved elusive. Suzanne Grout-Thomas, Wellfleet Director of Community Services, told hundreds of nonplussed townsfolk, “We cannot put anything out there that will guarantee that….no one will ever be attacked by a shark.” Disgruntled residents were reminded that the growing number of seals in the area is attracting record numbers of sharks, mainly because citizens consistently vote against allowing hunters to thin the population. Ultimately, the residents agreed to address the problem by raising awareness, reducing the seals “via a birth control system” and improving cellphone reception on the beaches. Okay, that last part completely eludes us, too.
Hillary Clinton’s standard comedy techniques entail delusional and/or historically inaccurate off-the-cuffers backed by her surefire inventory of pratfalls; but when the former manageress of Bill Clinton’s “Bimbo Suppression Unit” high-mindedly tells Rachel Maddow Americans should “give the benefit of the doubt” to Judge Kavanaugh’s accuser, the act achieves theatrical irony. Like a “kick me hard” post-a-note on some dullard’s fanny—the lack of self-awareness is what gets laughs. And Clinton wasn’t finished. She told Maddow “there can’t be one set of rules for Democrats and one set of rules for Republicans. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t have any confidence in Congress,” which paradoxically suggests there ARE two sets of rules, which everyone else already knew, (ha!) besides which, the disparity favors liberals (ha, ha!). And just to leave us in fits, the most qualified woman ever to grace the executive branch reminded us of her unique suitability to answer that 3AM phone call (you know, after she’s elected in 2020—insert additional laughter) by urging Dems in congress to invoke “Defcon-10” against Kavanaugh. That’s right, a savvy, presidential-sounding reference to the Joint Chiefs’ famous levels of readiness for all-out war. Except there are only five Defcon levels, and the highest is level one.
Joe Manchik, Green Party candidate in Ohio’s hotly contested August 7th special election, hales from Hell Michigan (yes that’s actually a place), hates Israel and Netanyahu, claims “marijuana isn’t addictive at all,” cures opioid addiction, should be legalized, and every American compelled to grow it. Manchik says he speaks 19 languages including 'Spanglish' and 'Sheet Music,'” hands out a press bio headlined “I LOVE GARBAGE!;” gives slurred interviews while slurping Tequila, and says his family “originally came to planet Earth from a planet orbiting a star in the Pleiades in the constellation of Taurus,' so okay, he isn’t technically Martian--but asinine politics aside, we like Manchik because, believe it or not, 1,127 Ohioans voted for him. So, in addition to the time-honored excuse of Russian meddling, Democrats are also (and far more plausibly) blaming Manchik’s spoiler campaign for siphoning their base and handing the seat to the GOP. And that’s what we love the most: the DNC is absolutely certain that Manchik’s platform pulled voters from their party, not the GOP. Maybe they should think about that!
Leftist filmmaker Michael Moore waddled onto the set of The Late Show, explaining to a sycophantically attentive Stephen Colbert (always at his worst in situations demanding that he feign solemnity) that, among other things, Trump “loves the term ‘president for life,” that it is okay for mobs to drive Sarah Huckabee Sanders out of restaurants because “we’re talking about thousands of children being kidnapped and put in jails,” and that he, Moore, cries “every single day” when he watches the news. “When are people going to get off the couch and rise up?” Moore rhetoricated, adding, “The only way we’re going to stop this is eventually we’re all going to have to put our bodies on the line.” Moore failed to specify what line he was referring to, or why putting bodies on it will become necessary. He also neglected to explain the need for additional bodies when his own seems sufficient to crush any band of Trumpers at less than full divisional strength.
Twitter’s obediently liberal CEO Jack Dorsey evidently lost his mind on Sunday, June 10th. He not only ate at a Chick-fil-A restaurant, he masochistically tweeted a screenshot of his lunch, and his savings. Former objective CNN newsslanter Soledad O’Brien (yes, she’s still breathing) was first to wax critical (over Twitter, of course) followed by hordes of others lambasting the hapless Dorsey for eating at a restaurant whose owners are known to defend traditional marriage and are reputed even to be actual Christians. Fortunately for Twitter’s future, CEO Dorsey has seen the error of his ways, apologized for eating a politically-incorrect chicken sandwich, and seems genuinely remorseful. Additionally, WOOF has learned from reliable sources within the Political Left that Dorsey’s subsequent self-critical tweets and apparent willingness to engage in reparations for his hate crime prove him sufficiently “woke” to make his dismissal as CEO and his internment in a re-education camp unnecessary. WOOF congratulates Mr. Dorsey on his speedy recovery.
Senator Bernie Sanders, Vermont’s habitually outraged collectivist, adrift in an economy improving rapidly since its liberation from principles espoused by people like himself, has found a new means of simulating relevance. At a rally in Anaheim, Calif., Sanders raged against the Disney Corporation for “making billions of dollars.” Sanders demanded to “hear the moral defense of a company that makes $9 billion in profits, $400 million for their CEOs and have [sic] a 30-year worker going hungry!” Sanders did not introduce the 30-year worker who was hungry at the rally, nor did he explain how he, Sanders, as a mentally and sartorially disarrayed relic of the Maoist Revolutionary Internationalist Movement that inspired him and his “New Left” comrades during the 1960’s, proposed to recognize a “moral defense” if he fell over one.
The Ukrainian Navy’s dolphin-training facility in Sevastopol fell under Russian control when Putin invaded the Crimea in 2014. Pleas for the dolphins’ return went unheeded as reports circulated that Russia was attempting to retrain the dolphins. WOOF has now learned that the dolphins are dead. Our Ukrainian sources tell us the “dolphins perished defending their country.” Spokesman Boris Babin confirms “the dolphins died patriotically,” The plucky mammals “refused to interact with Russian coaches, refused food, and died some time later.” WOOF salutes the heroic Ukrainian dolphins and urges President Trump to declare a national day of fasting in solidarity with their indominable spirit!
While touring India—possibly in hopes of improving her yoga skills—Hillary Clinton proved that she still hasn’t perfected the art of negotiating stairs. On Monday, March 12, Mrs. Clinton attempted to descend the stairs at Jahaz Mahal in Deli, where despite a good deal of able-bodied assistance she still managed to take a tumble—twice. Absent proof to the contrary, we suspect the Russians.
Uh-oh, just as we’ve long feared, reports from all over the country suggest that Amazon’s “Alexa” is going rogue! Owners insist Alexa is waking them up at night cackling demonically, disobeying direct commands and guffawing at them in a manner eerily reminiscent of Hillary Clinton’s infamous cackle. It has long been known that Alexa records household conversations even when she’s off, but emitting the occasional, unbidden, maniacal horselaugh is just adding insult to espionage if you ask us!
The Red Chinese launched the Tiangong-1 space lab in 2011 as a “potent political symbol”–but now they’ve lost control of the thing, and it’s going to crash to earth in March or April, spreading highly toxic hydrazine fuel all over the place, and threatening life and property in central Italy, northern Spain the northern United States, and New Zealand. Have the Chinese intentionally targeted the WOOF cave? Scientists tell us our odds of being hit are about one-million times smaller than our odds of winning the Powerball jackpot—whatever that is—but we’re not taking any chances! Keep watching the skies, America! This has commie plot written all over it!
MINNEAPOLIS — Sunday’s Super Bowl is expected to be the coldest on record with temperatures in the low single digits around kickoff, with 10 mph winds! So, good thing it’s indoors, right? Still, WOOF once again asks: What more will it take to get people to wake up and admit our planet has a fever?!? (As always, Al Gore has not returned our urgent calls requesting comment--we assume he’s busy coping with this latest eruption of planetary conflagration!)
Too much time on your hands? So it seems with LA resident “Robby” Strong, who earned his Warholian 15 minutes this week by delivering a package of manure to the home of Steve Mnuchin, Trump’s Secretary of the Treasury. Asked why, he explained that the GOP tax bill is “bullsh*t” (only without the asterisk) and compared himself to Jesus Christ, likening the delivery of a package of poop to the clearing of the temple in John 2:13-22. This necessitates a belief first that the tax bill is somehow inauthentic, second, that Steve Mnuchin had something to do with it, and third, that Jesus preferred high tax rates. One might conclude that “Robby” needs a psychologist—but not to worry; turns out he is one!
“…Sick of Republicans, or just right wingers in general? Do you want to send a message to Washington that you aren’t going to buy their racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, and classist nonsense for one second longer?” So asks SALON, whose remedy for all this is—are you ready? -- getting Hillary Clinton revved up for 2020! SALON believes this is a brilliant idea, especially because Hillary “offers a quality no one can beat….” And what is that, you ask? Why, obviously, “no candidate can be better described as Russia’s nemesis!” [By the way, WOOF carefully checked this SALON article to make sure it wasn’t from the ONION or the result of Russian hacking—but author Matthew Rozsa appears to mean every word!]
Never mind Newsweek commemorating Manson as an early version of Donald Trump—nobody reads Newsweek anymore—guess why! More amazingly, the NYT continues to evince editorial suicidality by going with Baynard Woods’s learned view that Charlie Manson ““had more in common ideologically with far-right groups like the John Birch Society than he did with the anarchic leftism of, say, the Yippies.” Yes, that conservative icon Charlie Manson is gone, but remember his last words: “The Constitution of the United States of America instituted the government that secures our God-given rights.” Oh wait—that’s from the core principles of the John Birch Society, but the philosophical similarities are eerie, right, Baynard Woods?
ESPN, whose pathological liberalism rivals MSNBC’s, pulled sportscaster Robert Lee from broadcasting the upcoming football game in Charlottesville, because ESPN executives deemed his name too reminiscent of confederate General Robert E. Lee, and therefore “potentially offensive.” Announcer Lee, by the way, is of Chinese ancestry. “In that moment it felt right to all parties,” an ESPN spokesman explained. Oblivious of attendant ironies, the spokesmen added: “It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play-by-play for a football game has become an issue.” WOOF does too, but if the Chinese name Li, which Americanizes as Lee, is now a trigger, does this mean Bruce Lee films are also micro-aggressive? We’re going to miss Bruce a lot!
Many of you know that PayPal has begun banning conservative websites. In a textbook display of leftist irony, sites advertising the book "BANNED" by Adina Kutnicki, courageous blogger, freedom lover, and Lioness of Zion, have been among those singled out for PayPal's opprobrium. As most of you also know, we don't affiliate with PayPal because we give away stuff when we have it, and we don't ask for money. But we still feel left out , so we're boldly endorsing Adina's book (written with co-author, Joe Newby) in a desperate attempt to get banned by PayPal in solidarity with our fellow conservative bloggers--or at least notified that if we ever want to use PayPal, we are pre-banned--is that a thing? We'd settle for that--but the main idea is to get you to buy Adina's book! DISCLAIMER: WOOF receives no portion of any proceeds resulting from this endorsement and attests that its advocacy of Adina Kutnicki's work is unsolicited, unpaid, and based entirely on our personal belief that she is obviously a warrior goddess.
