WOOF thanks its special SCIENCE & THE PARANORMAL editor, the irreplacable Grayson Moseley Straith, for the painstaking care and expert insights he brings to this menu selection despite recurrent bouts of dypsomania and the occasionall Schneiderian first-rank auditory hallucination. Thanks for being here, Grayson!
ROVER ENIGMA LINKED TO OBAMA MARS MISSION?
THE PANDABOT CONSPIRACY EXPOSED!
While touring India—possibly in hopes of improving her yoga skills—Hillary Clinton proved that she still hasn’t perfected the art of negotiating stairs. On Monday, March 12, Mrs. Clinton attempted to descend the stairs at Jahaz Mahal in Deli, where despite a good deal of able-bodied assistance she still managed to take a tumble—twice. Absent proof to the contrary, we suspect the Russians.
Uh-oh, just as we’ve long feared, reports from all over the country suggest that Amazon’s “Alexa” is going rogue! Owners insist Alexa is waking them up at night cackling demonically, disobeying direct commands and guffawing at them in a manner eerily reminiscent of Hillary Clinton’s infamous cackle. It has long been known that Alexa records household conversations even when she’s off, but emitting the occasional, unbidden, maniacal horselaugh is just adding insult to espionage if you ask us!
The Red Chinese launched the Tiangong-1 space lab in 2011 as a “potent political symbol”–but now they’ve lost control of the thing, and it’s going to crash to earth in March or April, spreading highly toxic hydrazine fuel all over the place, and threatening life and property in central Italy, northern Spain the northern United States, and New Zealand. Have the Chinese intentionally targeted the WOOF cave? Scientists tell us our odds of being hit are about one-million times smaller than our odds of winning the Powerball jackpot—whatever that is—but we’re not taking any chances! Keep watching the skies, America! This has commie plot written all over it!
MINNEAPOLIS — Sunday’s Super Bowl is expected to be the coldest on record with temperatures in the low single digits around kickoff, with 10 mph winds! So, good thing it’s indoors, right? Still, WOOF once again asks: What more will it take to get people to wake up and admit our planet has a fever?!? (As always, Al Gore has not returned our urgent calls requesting comment--we assume he’s busy coping with this latest eruption of planetary conflagration!)
Too much time on your hands? So it seems with LA resident “Robby” Strong, who earned his Warholian 15 minutes this week by delivering a package of manure to the home of Steve Mnuchin, Trump’s Secretary of the Treasury. Asked why, he explained that the GOP tax bill is “bullsh*t” (only without the asterisk) and compared himself to Jesus Christ, likening the delivery of a package of poop to the clearing of the temple in John 2:13-22. This necessitates a belief first that the tax bill is somehow inauthentic, second, that Steve Mnuchin had something to do with it, and third, that Jesus preferred high tax rates. One might conclude that “Robby” needs a psychologist—but not to worry; turns out he is one!
“…Sick of Republicans, or just right wingers in general? Do you want to send a message to Washington that you aren’t going to buy their racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, and classist nonsense for one second longer?” So asks SALON, whose remedy for all this is—are you ready? -- getting Hillary Clinton revved up for 2020! SALON believes this is a brilliant idea, especially because Hillary “offers a quality no one can beat….” And what is that, you ask? Why, obviously, “no candidate can be better described as Russia’s nemesis!” [By the way, WOOF carefully checked this SALON article to make sure it wasn’t from the ONION or the result of Russian hacking—but author Matthew Rozsa appears to mean every word!]
Never mind Newsweek commemorating Manson as an early version of Donald Trump—nobody reads Newsweek anymore—guess why! More amazingly, the NYT continues to evince editorial suicidality by going with Baynard Woods’s learned view that Charlie Manson ““had more in common ideologically with far-right groups like the John Birch Society than he did with the anarchic leftism of, say, the Yippies.” Yes, that conservative icon Charlie Manson is gone, but remember his last words: “The Constitution of the United States of America instituted the government that secures our God-given rights.” Oh wait—that’s from the core principles of the John Birch Society, but the philosophical similarities are eerie, right, Baynard Woods?
ESPN, whose pathological liberalism rivals MSNBC’s, pulled sportscaster Robert Lee from broadcasting the upcoming football game in Charlottesville, because ESPN executives deemed his name too reminiscent of confederate General Robert E. Lee, and therefore “potentially offensive.” Announcer Lee, by the way, is of Chinese ancestry. “In that moment it felt right to all parties,” an ESPN spokesman explained. Oblivious of attendant ironies, the spokesmen added: “It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play-by-play for a football game has become an issue.” WOOF does too, but if the Chinese name Li, which Americanizes as Lee, is now a trigger, does this mean Bruce Lee films are also micro-aggressive? We’re going to miss Bruce a lot!
Many of you know that PayPal has begun banning conservative websites. In a textbook display of leftist irony, sites advertising the book "BANNED" by Adina Kutnicki, courageous blogger, freedom lover, and Lioness of Zion, have been among those singled out for PayPal's opprobrium. As most of you also know, we don't affiliate with PayPal because we give away stuff when we have it, and we don't ask for money. But we still feel left out , so we're boldly endorsing Adina's book (written with co-author, Joe Newby) in a desperate attempt to get banned by PayPal in solidarity with our fellow conservative bloggers--or at least notified that if we ever want to use PayPal, we are pre-banned--is that a thing? We'd settle for that--but the main idea is to get you to buy Adina's book! DISCLAIMER: WOOF receives no portion of any proceeds resulting from this endorsement and attests that its advocacy of Adina Kutnicki's work is unsolicited, unpaid, and based entirely on our personal belief that she is obviously a warrior goddess.
